#I doubt anyone really even noticed my absence. I doubt anyone was sad I didn't graduate with my grade.

[straydogged]

a lot of my high school "friends" are getting married to each other and other people I knew and it's... making me really fucking bitter ngl. like, I'm engaged, I have been for years. it's not that. I guess it's more like bitterness that they're all still friends. I know I didn't make much effort to keep up with them after dropping out, but the truth is I don't think I was ever part of that group the way I thought I was. I remember them planning a party I wasn't invited to in front of me, pretty vividly. I remember that they never seemed to really care about my presence one way or another... I was on the fringes. always on the fringes, tolerated at best. I was too autistic to pick up on that at the time, I think. sure, I had classes with them and we shared a lot of extracurriculars. and a lot of us had gone to the same middle school. thinking back, I think most of them had gone to the same elementary school, too.

I don't know where I'm going with this. I guess I just feel lonely. untethered. when I'm gone, who will remember me? not my classmates. not the people I thought I was friends with. it's like my life before 19 just never happened. there's only one tie left from my childhood.

[lizardthelizard]

Every word you wrote about Tamara is just FACTS!!!!!!!!!!!! What I would have given for Grag & Tamara to be so broken because of magic, that they both had plans of revenge. Getting more people involved behind the scenes even. Tragic, yet understandable backstories and a real threat to Storybrooke from the outside world. The fears of some folks in town coming true (the whole E.T. thing Leroy mentioned in the hospital after Greg first showed up). The danger of having magic in a non-magical world.

EXACTLY!!! 'Tragic yet understandable' is the perfect way to phrase it, because OUAT is very good at including antagonists with these kinds of backstories (although, the effectiveness of this varies from character to character) and I'm sad that Tamara didn't get enough attention to receive the same treatment!

Okay, so, I'm gonna lay out some thoughts properly because why not:

(Disclaimer: I'm adding a read more because this got VERY out of hand. But please read on if anyone is interested in headcanoned Tamara backstory!)

(Second disclaimer: I've actually used this general backstory for Tamara in one of my fics before, although I wasn't able to go into quite as much detail at the time)

So, imagine. Tamara is a child (maybe 10 or 11). She has a happy family; parents that love her, a younger brother that she cares about a lot, a pet goldfish, whatever. And then imagine that, one night, 10 year old Tamara hears a noise from her brother's bedroom. She goes to investigate it but, when she opens the door, she finds herself frozen in shock. The window is wide open and her brother is floating in the middle of the room.

There's the faint sparkle of a glowing green dust on him and a dark shadow with bright, hollow eyes floats just beside him. Tamara pinches herself. She thinks she's dreaming. She's not. The shadowy figure spots her and before she can do a thing to stop it, the creature has taken her brother's hand and flown out the window with him. Maybe he cheerfully waves goodbye, maybe he doesn't even notice that she was there at all.

When Tamara finally works up the courage to move, she rushes to the window. Her brother is long gone, but there's a very fine sprinkle of green dust on the windowsill left in his absence.

Of course, she goes to tell her parents and, of course, they panic. Tamara tries to tell them what she saw but they naturally ignore any claims that she saw her brother flying or that the person that kidnapped him was nothing but a shadow with white, glowing eyes.

There was no sign of a break in from anywhere in the apartment. And the investigation team are baffled as to how anyone could have clambered in and out of the window when the room is situated on the third floor of the building. Tamara's brother never comes back and it's eventually considered a cold case.

Tamara has always considered herself honest, logical and responsible. For a long while, she insists that what she saw was true. It's only after she starts getting therapy that she begins to doubt things.

Therapy does little to fix things. Her family is completely broken. A year or so down the line, her parents divorce. Tamara starts to visit her Grandmother more and more often and she develops a very tight bond with her.

Tamara grows up and moves on from it all as best she can. She eventually stumbles into the same conspiracy group that Greg is a part of. They don't connect right away, but, after a couple of meet ups, they discover that they have a lot in common and also come to realise that, perhaps, they're the only two people in this group that have actually seen real magic.

They eventually confide in one another, talking about how 'magic' has ruined their lives. How it's hurt them in ways that no one else in this group that they're a part of will understand. They connect (idk, they can still get together romantically if they want, although I personally didn't see much chemistry between them and the show only really paired them up for shock value let's be honest) and they start talking about fairy tales and Storybrooke.

(Side note, since Greg is kind of aware of Regina being the Evil Queen (right? or is he not aware of that until he reaches Storybrooke again?) maybe he's even able to suggest that it could have been Peter Pan/Peter's Shadow that kidnapped her brother. I like the idea that he's very overly familiar with a lot of fairy tales and stories is more than willing to consider them in the real world ever since his interaction with Regina)

Anyway, I don't know HOW (and forgive me if I'm missing something from canon here, I'm guessing it maybe had something to do with Pan) but I like the idea of Greg in particular managing to track down either August or Neal (since, aside from Emma, those two are the links that lead back to Storybrooke). And, from here, the pair of them start working on plans to get to Storybrooke.

Greg and Tamara are both therefore stuck with these similar backstories, involving someone they loved being taken from them by someone magical. And ALSO similar in the sense that...no one believed them when they tried to tell the truth about this... Not only would this be about getting some kind of revenge (Greg wanting to get closure on his father and then kill Regina when he confirms that she did murder his dad, and Tamara desperate to find some trace of the shadow that took her brother), but it would also be about proving that they were right this entire time. That they weren't lying or 'crazy' or making things up. That magic is real and it's dangerous.

I guess the dilemma for Greg and Tamara is: how? How are they able to prove that magic actually exists, in a world where magic is unseen to those that don't believe in it? (This is a question that I will be pondering on, but not one that I'll be answering here. This ask has already gotten too long, ahahah)

(Still, there's one final thing I'd like to address)

Because, you see, there's something so deliciously tragic about Pan being the one to cause this trauma in the first place. For him to be so heavily responsible for Tamara's tragic childhood and then him continuing to have a chokehold on Tamara years later on. OUGH.

That said? yeah, I absolutely would have preferred if the Pan arc had been kept entirely separate from Greg and Tamara's (aka, they were there exclusively for their own reasons and not just because Pan said so). Greg and Tamara deserved their own arc that had nothing to do with Neverland. No 'home office', no dumb crystal that was triggered to explode the town or whatever (or! DO include those things! but tie them exclusively to John and Michael's story instead!)

I just!!!!!! I have way more feelings about Tamara (and to a lesser extent Greg/Owen) than I know I should and I'm getting a bit weird thinking about her lately!!!!!!

[cat3ch1sm]

requests are back therefore iiii am baaaaccckk!!!

i have decided i would like a lil sum sum both angst/hurt but obviously ending happy because i am weak without it 🤪snarky bamf girlfriend has gone missing how very dare she. she begged to leave to go shopping because she love’s watari she does but he can’t….shop bless his heart (and she enjoys nature as well cause ya know fresh air takes away sadness at least that’s what my therapist said 😌☝️) L is freaking out but not but is cause he does have feelings and is like “i regret being in a relationship” only because he’s worried to all hell. if you do like during task force don’t wanna tell you how to write cause duh but i would not mind if it’s more like a character study of L as each member interacts with him (insert tries~~ to) and help with the ongoing situation. i dunno i kinda see obviously golden retriever himbo matsuda being the one uncomfortable with the fact that L is still so stoic. would L lash out? i dunno sure. you’re probably wondering whomst would take snarky girlfriend and howst did they know about her? just a random dude and i think that’s what pisses L off its not anyone with a vendetta just some random sicko. she comes back obviously and once again you can decide that part because i did not think that far 😌😊. anywhoooooooo welcome back literally take a sabbatical if needed. with that being said take as long as you want with this request cause yes ✨tdlrrrr: girlfriend gone, L freaking out, task force struggling to help, girlfriend come back, literally cannot go anywhere ever again and tbh can’t leave L’s sight 🫡 God bless bestie soldier

🐸| hey girl queen pussy boss glad to see u in my reqs again😏

Why did he even let you leave?

L had never let you go out without someone keeping tabs on you at all times- usually him. Of course, nobody on the outside knew he was L, but it was just to be on the safe side. Regardless. You'd been gone for over five hours with no follow-up.

Hell. He knew he should have just stuck that tracking chip on your shoelace when he had the chance.

He really shouldn't have cared. There were far more important things to tend to, obviously. L was in the middle of the Kira investigation, for god's sake, working with just six other people, one of which he was almost completely sure was the internationally feared murderer himself. That was what should have been on his mind. And anyways, you were an adult. You were intelligent and resourceful and every bit as capable as he. If harm befell you, L had very little doubt that you wouldn't be able to make your way out. But no matter how much he tried to convince himself that what was going on around him was significantly more pressing, something in him just wouldn't accept that. There was an annoying nagging in the back of his mind reminding him that you still weren't back.

L really couldn't stand you leaving to begin with. What did you need to go shopping for Watari for, anyway? The man looked just fine in his professional attire, L thought. But you had insisted that Watari needed more up-to-date clothing and a wider selection of outfits in general, and L, knowing it would be useless to argue with you, had simply let you leave. But it couldn't possibly take that long to buy clothes for a man three times your age, right? Then again, L wouldn't know. He'd never even set foot in a shopping center- his trusty white shirt and blue jeans had served him just fine for years. Why had he even gotten in a relationship to begin with? If he had never met you, he wouldn't have to feel this way. That would have been much more preferable.

Oh, please. He didn't mean a word of that and it was impossible to convince himself that he did. L knew he was really starting to panic if he was thinking like this.

The members of the task force themselves also seemed to notice your absence despite them not knowing you very well. The loss of the atmosphere of arrogance and lack of sarcastic remarks was not missed by anyone- which prompted the most eager (and the most tone-deaf) member of the group, Matsuda, to ask about your extended absence.

"Hey, L- I mean, Ryuzaki?" Matsuda carefully stepped towards the detective, whose blank expression was beginning to falter. "You know, Y/N's been gone a while... do you think everything's okay?"

So even Matsuda had noticed, L realized. That didn't seem good- but he was determined to keep it together, and he definitely didn't feel like talking about it with Matsuda.

"She's fine," L replied, a little too sharply, and Matsuda backed up a bit. "That's unimportant right now. How close are we to formulating a plan to infiltrate Yotsuba directly?"

"Oh- yeah. My bad." Matsuda scurried away, leaving L to mull over your whereabouts. Assuming shopping wasn't supposed to take this long as he'd suspected, there were several possibilities. Perhaps you'd been taken was one he was a bit concerned about- you didn't look very strong at first glance, and of course most people would consider you quite attractive. But L more doubted this than didn't- you weren't an inexperienced fighter, and you were more than capable of fighting off anyone that approached you the wrong way.

Next thought- maybe there had been a situation at the shop you'd gone to? Maybe someone had burst through the door with a gun and held everyone hostage- but L didn't think that was likely, either. Japan was so strict about who could have a gun that it was almost impossible for a regular citizen to obtain one- and definitely not someone crazy enough to hold a bunch of people hostage. Third scenario.

Okay, removing all ideas of foul play- there were lots of potential reasons why you weren't back yet that didn't involve you getting kidnapped or killed. Maybe you just ran into a friend at the store and stuck around with them to catch up. Maybe traffic was just bad- it had been drizzling all day, anyway. He knew you had a penchant for things like trees and birds- perhaps you had just stopped at a nearby park or something.

Wait- what if you'd run into someone else? A new person? Someone who wasn't so... reclusive. Quirky. Reserved. Odd. L wouldn't be surprised if you had just found someone you fancied more- someone like you had tons of options, more than L cared to admit at the moment. Maybe you'd wanted to get away from him for once and accepted a date request from this other person. Maybe you'd found them fun, fascinating, attractive. Someone like that would probably be much appreciated by you when all you did was spend time with L and his... personality.

L decided to stop himself there. He was going to worry himself into a frenzy if he kept that up. No, next.

Maybe Watari's wardrobe actually did need updating- and badly, for you to be gone this long. When was the last time L had seen the elderly man out of that stately suit and hat, anyway...?

"Ryuzaki?"

L snapped out of his thoughts and slowly spun around in his chair to face Detective Yagami, who was eyeing L with a furrowed brow. "Is everything alright? You seem to be in a bit of a trance..."

"Yes, yes, I'm fine." L averted his eyes and waved his hand dismissively, turning back around before Soichiro saw his normally calm visage waver. Unfortunately, Soichiro's son stood right beside his father; L could feel Light's eyes burning into the back of his head.

"Dad's right; you seem a little off," Light added, stepping around L's chair so that he could see L's face. "We're making pretty good progress with Yotsuba, if that's what you're worried about- we've got a couple of leads-"

"That's good." L interrupted, and Light cocked his head at the detective, a little put off. "Keep it up."

Light turned around and began to wander back over to the rest of the task force, watching L's back from the corner of his eye. When he was face-to-face with his colleagues again, he brought up L's unusual demeanor, lowering his voice. "I know this might not be a great time, but have you all noticed anything a little odd about Ryuzaki today?"

Soichiro nodded in agreement. "Yes, I have... he seems a bit- dare I say- distracted." He kept his voice barely audible as to not attract the attention of the enigmatic detective just a few feet away from where the group was huddled.

"I noticed it too; it's unlike him," Aizawa added in a businesslike tone. "Although I'd rather stay on task than discuss Ryuzaki, it's honestly unsettling..."

"He must be very much so if we can tell," Light decided. "I mean, Ryuzaki obviously hides a lot under the surface- so if we can see it, something must be really bothering him."

"I know, right?" Matsuda exhaled, seeming relieved that he hadn't been the only one that had noticed L's unusual behavior. "I even went and asked him about it."

"Straight out?" Soichiro looked startled. "Matsuda, good grief."

"No, no- not straight straight out," Matsuda hurriedly amended, shaking his head wildly. "I just asked him about Y/N, and he kind of snapped at me and I came back over here," he explained quickly.

Light snapped his fingers, coming to a realization. "Of course- Y/N is what's worrying him. Have you noticed how long it's been since we've heard from her? Ryuzaki must be fretting over her whereabouts."

Soichiro turned to Light, an understanding expression on his face as he thought over this. "Right. We already know the two of them have... a relationship of sorts, so it's only natural for someone to be concerned- especially someone like Ryuzaki."

"I can't imagine why he'd be very worried about her," Aizawa scoffed. "Y/N seems more than capable to me."

"Still, he's worried. Normal human emotions!" Matsuda announced triumphantly, throwing his arms into the air.

The other three men collectively facepalmed.

Matsuda dropped his arms, puzzled. "Wha-?" Confusedly, he turned around- and was met with the startling sight of Ryuzaki's wide eyes staring right back at him.

"Agh!" Matsuda instantly whirled back around and squeezed his eyes shut in embarrassment as the other task force members glared at him, annoyed.

"Again- good grief, Matsuda," Soichiro snapped under his breath, and Matsuda dared to open his eyes a smidge to give the older man a sheepish smile.

"My bad, Chief..."

Luckily for the group, Ryuzaki didn't budge from his chair, instead having turned back around to fidget aimlessly with the mouse of his computer. Of course, the lack of reprimand for the group being off task was not lost on the men, who goggled in shock at Ryuzaki and then Matsuda, who seemed just as appalled as everyone else.

"Uh- why didn't he get mad again?" Aizawa asked, brow furrowed.

"Beats me..." Matsuda glanced one more time at Ryuzaki before turning to face the others with wide eyes. "Okay, he's totally freaking out about Y/N, right? He has to be."

"I guess that's the only conclusion," Light agreed, looking uncertain. "But if the guy running this whole operation is distracted, what are we supposed to do to help?"

"Ah, you're right- that may be a problem," Soichiro affirmed nervously. "But this is Ryuzaki- I'm really at a loss for what to do here."

The group stood in thoughtful silence for a couple of minutes, wondering how to fix this problem.

Matsuda suddenly snapped his head up. "Hey, let's cheer him up!" he suggested gleefully, making sure to keep his voice hushed this time.

The rest of the task force reacted accordingly to this idea.

"Huh?"

"What?"

"Huh?"

"Oh, come on- you heard me," Matsuda enthused, his expression brightening. "If we can make him feel better, he won't be distracted, and we can get things going again!"

"Sounds like a pipe dream," Aizawa jutted in scornfully.

"Not if we pull it off."

"And the chance of that is...?" Light prompted sarcastically before folding his arms across his chest and letting out an exasperated breath. "I really think we ought to just leave him be. Y/N will be back soon, more than likely, and he'll be just fine."

"Still," Matsuda insisted. "We're just being nice! And it's super weird seeing Ryuzaki like this, anyway... so why not?"

"And how would you suggest we go about that, Matsuda?" Soichiro queried, his tone skeptical as well.

Matsuda eyed both Yagamis curiously. "You've never cheered anybody up before when they're down? Just tell him that there's nothing to worry about- but in a lot more words than that."

"Okay, Matsuda, quick reminder that this is Ryuzaki." Aizawa arched a brow dubiously.

"Yeah, well, Ryuzaki or not, he's still a human being."

"But do we know that for sure?" Now both eyebrows were raised.

"Okay, okay." Light held up two hands, silencing the two men. "You know what, Matsuda? We'll try it, just to humor you. But if this doesn't go as planned..."

"Thanks, Light! Don't worry, it'll be fine- come on, guys!" Matsuda, apparently having no qualms at all, began strolling right towards Ryuzaki, leaving the other men no choice but to follow him.

"I hope he knows what he's doing," Soichiro murmured beneath his breath.

"With Matsuda? It's kind of a gamble," Light told his father as the group approached L, who turned around upon hearing the men behind him. Seeming a little caught off guard, L cocked his head at them, eyeing each in turn. "Is something the matter?"

Light, Soichiro, and Aizawa all awkwardly mumbled different things in unison, the general idea being that Matsuda was the one who forced them over here. Matsuda, however, paid no mind to the others and flashed a somewhat pitiful smile at L, who blinked in confusion.

"Actually- we were wondering-"

"You were wondering," Aizawa interjected sharply.

Matsuda huffed. "Okay, I was mostly wondering- but they were too- if you were doing okay?"

L continued to look confused. "Doing okay?"

"Like, uh, we were wondering if you were feeling alright. If something was wrong?" Matsuda sputtered, chuckling awkwardly after every few words, the task force behind him grimacing as L glanced towards them.

"I am alright. Thank you for asking. Now wh-"

"But are you really, though?" Matsuda cut him off abruptly, wringing his hands nervously. "I- what I mean is-"

Finally, Light, seeing that if they allowed Matsuda to go on he would say the wrong thing, interrupted Matsuda himself. "To be honest, we've noticed that your behavior has been a little out of the ordinary since Y/N left a while ago. To put it simply, we're curious as to if she is the reason for this."

Matsuda sent Light a grateful look as Light stepped back slightly with a wince. Meanwhile, L just watched the group, apparently waiting for the next person to talk.

"Of course, we don't mean to be invasive," Soichiro clarified, deciding to help the pair that had just spoken. "We'd just like to know if you need us to do anything." Aizawa, not knowing how to add on, just affirmed Soichiro's words with a firm nod.

L sighed, seeming exasperated, and the entire task force collectively cringed, hoping their words hadn't come off the wrong way.

"If you must know..." L finally spun around, his gaze not meeting anyone else's. "I am a bit concerned as to where Y/N may be right now. There's no need to walk on eggshells- you all are already aware that we have a bit of a relationship, so please, don't look so nervous."

Nobody relaxed.

"I appreciate your concern, but really, it's unnecessary," L insisted. "I'm just a little worried. Everything is fine."

"Can't be if we can tell something's wrong," Matsuda countered, and L's probing gaze instantly shot up to look at him. Matsuda faltered some before continuing on. "Well, I mean, you never show any emotions ever, so... I mean..."

L arched a brow, but his response wasn't what Matsuda expected. "Excellent deduction."

"Well, I'm sure she'll be back soon," Light chimed in, a little weirded out by the whole situation, but trying to be reassuring anyway. "Y/N certainly isn't helpless- I'm not suspecting any foul play, so I hope that's not what you're worried about."

The words sounded strange coming from Light's mouth- Ryuzaki, worried about someone? His thoughts on humanity as a whole were pretty straightforward: trust nobody, they're only "cunning monsters," so forth. But it seemed L didn't feel that way about everyone.

"I agree," Soichiro added, sounding tentative. "It's probably traffic or something similar that's keeping her. I'm sure there isn't any need to worry."

L didn't reply to either Yagami, only looking up at them with just a hint of uncertainty on his face. "Mm... do you think so?"

"To be honest, you never know with women." Aizawa shrugged flippantly, trying to lighten the mood some. "They say they'll be back in an hour and you don't see them for five, they say 'fine' when they actually want you dead, all of that. Y/N's probably still... what was she doing?... shopping or something. Wouldn't be surprised if she just wanted to 'look around' a little more- and apparently, that's not a slow process with them."

Now L actually looked lost. Meanwhile, the other task force members slowly lifted their gazes towards Aizawa, equally questioning expressions on their faces.

"Uh... thanks for the information... I guess?" Matsuda squinted at his coworker, bewildered.

Aizawa pursed his lips unapologetically. "I tried."

Matsuda blinked before turning back to L. "Okay- so why exactly are you so worried? What do you think might have happened?" He spun around to face Light. "Hey, Light, you have a girlfriend- what would you be worried about besides for foul play?"

Light's expression dulled at the mention of Misa Amane. "Can't say I'd be worried," he answered listlessly. "When she isn't with me and she's out in public, she has a couple of bodyguards with her a lot of the time."

Matsuda coughed awkwardly. "Uh, yeah, right. Uh- well, if you don't mind, Light, if Misa-Misa was my girlfriend, I'd be worried that she'd find somebody else to be with!" He laughed nervously, putting a hand behind his head. "I mean, it would just seem like she had a bunch of other, way better options for a boyfriend." He looked back down at Ryuzaki, who blinked up at Matsuda with an odd expression. "Maybe you're worried about something similar? That she ran off with a random guy or something?"

L was silent for a few seconds before responding. "...maybe. But if that were true, I'd be more worried about foul play than Y/N deciding to leave with no warning. That would be out of character."

"Huh- I guess you're right; that would be kinda weird." Matsuda stuck out his lower lip in thought.

Now Soichiro spoke up. "Forgive me if this is offensive, but... knowing you, I'd expect you had something like a tracking device on her- honesty, I'm a little bit surprised you don't."

"Yes, I know, and normally I would," L sighed. "However, I was specifically asked not to, so I refrained..."

"It's okay," Aizawa offered. "I mean, it's a lot better than you doing it anyway and her finding out later."

L nodded halfheartedly.

"If you're really concerned, Ryuzaki, you could let us go out and try to look for her," Matsuda suggested helpfully. "Especially since we're sort of way off task already..."

"A search? Now?" Light queried, eyeing Matsuda skeptically.

"Yeah? Why not? It's not like we'll be able to focus now, anyway." Matsuda shrugged casually.

"Now isn't the best time," Soichiro interjected, siding with his son as usual. "Of course, this is still the Kira investigation..."

"Actually, I'm with Matsuda on this one- for once," Aizawa cut in. "We won't be able to really do our best work if Y/N's on our minds. It'd be best if we just went out and got her already."

"Didn't we establish that Y/N is perfectly capable of handling herself?" Light countered. "She'll come back when she comes back. There's more important things at hand."

"My son is right," Soichiro affirmed. "Matsuda- please think twice before dragging us all somewhere next time..."

"But, chief- you guys agreed to help cheer up Ryuzaki so we could get back on task!" Matsuda protested. "Of course, sir, no disrespect."

"Cheer me up?" L glanced up at Matsuda questioningly.

"Yeah, this was a team decision," Aizawa challenged. "If we hadn't come over here, we would have just spent the whole time wondering about Ryuzaki."

"You could have just asked me-" L tried to cut in.

"Are my father and I the only ones capable of focusing on the task at hand?" Light demanded, his tone growing agitated and the atmosphere tense. "Why are we worrying about an issue that will just resolve itself?"

"What if- but what if it didn't?" Matsuda sputtered, a little caught off guard at the change in Light's normally cool demeanor. "There's always the risk that-"

"Again," Soichiro interrupted, his voice still calm, "Y/N can tend to herself. We've already eliminated the possibility of these 'risks.'"

The discussion quickly began to devolve into chaos, the task force members at odds and L unable to get in a single word.

"But there's still a chance-"

"Y/N can take care of herself!"

"There's nothing wrong with making sure."

"It isn't like we're gonna get anything done at this point!"

"You realize this isn't an everyday investigation, right?"

"Everyone, please-"

"You're doing nothing but drowning everybody out at this point!"

"I don't see why you're so against this idea!"

"I could say the same for you!"

"Please-"

"Hey."

Everyone stopped in their tracks, the room suddenly silent as your voice echoed through the room. Casually, you made your way towards the others, arms full of shopping bags and oblivious to the chaos that had just ceased.

"Hello, everyone- what did I miss?" You looked around the room, your eyes coming to a stop at the task force still in their arguing stances, your boyfriend shrouded by their silhouettes.

You arched a brow. "Okay, why is everyone looking at me like that?'

[diary-thinking]

! ! ! WARNING: It contains spoilers for Duskwood Episode 10 ! ! !

The oneshot itself takes place after Jessy and Thomas visited Michael Hanson's house.

Special thanks again to @captainwanderlust78 🥰

fem!MC x the one behind the mask of the MWAF

I took a deep breath. This situation was so overwhelming and yet I was sure that I was right.

I quickly put the new sim-card that I got from a gas station on my way here into my old cell phone and started it, downloaded the Messenger and set up a new profile. I needed a profile that Jake couldn't read.

Then I grabbed my actual phone and opened Messenger. My phone hovered over the connection to Hannah's phone for a moment before I opened it and opened the messages, specifically the chat with the Man without a face.

I bit my lower lip, still undecided if what I was doing was really right.. and I knew that wasn't so true. It was right for me. But not in general.

I quickly typed my message.

Before I had any more doubts, I tapped send and stared at the screen uneasily, waiting for something to happen. It really didn't take long and the short ringtone on my old cell phone told me that I had been added. I deleted the message - luckily in the meantime I had considered the possibilities that I could delete the message without Jake noticing that this message had been sent. He would eventually make it if he tried.. but why should he? At the time, he hadn't noticed that I had had a brief exchange with the Man without a face in the chat.

I disconnected Hannah's cell phone and turned off my original cell phone completely. I couldn't imagine it, but I didn't want Jake getting into my microphone because I wasn't responding.

I took another deep breath as I grabbed my old phone and opened Messenger again. A sad smile appeared on my lips as I read the faceless man's message. It was too obvious.. and yet my heart was beating fast in my chest.

My finger hovered over the send button again for a moment. I didn't want to be sure, but there was too much to suggest. The realization hurt me. It was almost worse than the pain that gripped me when I thought about watching Richy die.

But from the insights I had gotten through all the research and the others and the way I got to know Richy.. I just couldn't imagine that he was there with an absolutely bad intention. I needed to know, and I didn't need any interruption from the others or Jake.

I press the send button. My gaze never left the chat and I saw that another message had started but not been sent. Multiple.

I sent my last message and put the phone down for a moment. I had to move. Get out. I couldn't take it like that, and I couldn't just sit here in this motel room and see if anyone would end up getting hurt, even if it was from some act of heroism.

I slowly stood up and stretched briefly. Without further ado, I tied my blond hair into a ponytail so that only a few strands fell out at the front. Then I grabbed my black leather jacket, which I put on in one quick movement.

I returned to the table, picked up the phone and again a sad smile appeared on my lips as I read the reply.

I could really imagine how Richy – wherever he was – sat sighing in front of the smartphone. I knew he didn't want me to come here..or not for those reasons anyway. And certainly not that our first meeting would expire too.

Then he went offline.

I nervously fiddled with the zipper on my leather jacket, stared at the screen of my old phone, and sighed. I had so much faith in Richy and I just hoped I wasn't wrong. Normally I had a knowledge of human nature that I could rely on.. but that wasn't an everyday situation either.

I grabbed my purse and slipped my old phone into it. For a moment my gaze fell on my actual phone and I wondered if I should turn it on and make some excuse for the others about my extended absence..

I didn't want to take it with me. Jake could track me even if I turned off location sharing. But ever since he had to flee and made himself a temporary home somewhere.. I was 100% sure he was in the vicinity of Duskwood and I didn't want him to find me with Richy. I even got the new sim-card for my old cell phone, so I wasn't logged into the same WiFi network as my current cell phone. I could only hope that it would be enough.

I gathered up another blanket and put it in my purse before grabbing the room keys and leaving the room. I opened up the Maps app on my old phone and made a little detour to a small grocery store where I picked up some fruit, sandwiches and water - Richy had been "dead" for a few days now and I wasn't sure how well he had provided food in his hiding place.

A little later I found myself a little behind the dare house. It actually took a little longer than I thought to find the way, but I finally found the house. I sit down on a fallen tree trunk and look around a bit. The sun's rays shone sporadically through the trees while a few birds could be heard in the distance.

I took a quick look at the cell phone I used to communicate with Richy and checked the time. If he really did stick to it, he should show up at any moment and that only made me more nervous. If I was already so nervous overall, I was even more so now.. not only that it could be totally dangerous, no, I was about to face Richy. Richy, with whom I got along well from the start. Who made me laugh even when the situation seemed hopeless. Who, hard as it was for me to admit under the latest circumstances, had slowly won my heart.

"You actually came.." a quiet voice murmured to my left, tearing me out of my thoughts. Startled, I looked up and actually saw Richy, who looked at me apologetically.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you again," he said, walking towards me. I slowly got up and brushed the dirt off my pants. Then I looked around, grabbed Richy's hand and pulled him further into the forest with me, further away from the dare house. "Call me paranoid, but I don't want you to get caught." I said quietly while Richy had meanwhile adjusted to my walking pace. I could feel his eyes on me, but I couldn't focus on that right now.

After a few seconds of silence we came to a small clearing with a hill going up on one side. A larger couple of rocks lie there and you could see Duskwood Lake in the distance from here, which made me smile for a moment. I thought of Jessy, who had shown me another part of the lake.

"I think this should be good," I murmured, letting my gaze wander as I approached the stones. I became embarrassingly aware that I was still holding Richy's hand and let go of it so that I could get the blanket out of my purse - and at the same time I was able to hide my blushed cheeks because I felt his eyes on me again.

"I brought some fruit, sandwiches and water.. I didn't know if and what you've eaten in the last few days." I said quietly while I put the bag down with the one on the stone and then finally got up and  turned back to Richy. I was surprised to find that he had come very close to me and before I could react I felt his arms around me. I gasped briefly, only to wrap my arms around him before he took that wrong and pulled away again. I buried my face in the crook of his neck and hugged him tightly while inhaling his scent - it was a cross between shower gel and forest, so I assumed that wherever he was hiding he also had a shower available. But overall he seemed quite fresh, maybe he had stayed in the Hanson house after all? Was it just waiting for the police to leave?

"I.. I'm so, so sorry, MC.. also and especially that I scared you with the calls.." he whispered softly into my hair and I could hear that he was serious. He sounded so desperate, so... close to tears.

I pulled away from him a bit, without undoing the hug itself, and looked up at him. A sad smile sat on my lips as I studied his face. "I know.. I know." In his eyes, which he had also focused on me, small tears glistened and he looked very worried, but also incredibly tired. He doesn't seem to have shaved the last few days either, because stubble adorns his chin.. and that suited him outrageously well.

Without thinking too much about it, I released one arm and put my hand to his cheek, gently stroking my fingertips across his cheek. "I know, Richy," I repeated. "Come on.. let's sit down, eat and you'll explain everything to me." I suggested and now completely pulled away from him, to which he gave a short nod.

Together we spread the blanket on the floor and sat on it so that I could take the groceries out of my purse. I pushed the fruit and a sandwich over to him, as well as one of the water bottles, which he acknowledged with a grateful smile, but didn't take any of it yet. He sat down so that he could lean against one of the rocks, keeping his eyes on me the whole time.

I sat cross-legged on the blanket so I was facing him and could meet his gaze. I grabbed some of the grapes I had brought and ate them slowly.

"So.. where do I start? It's actually all related to what happened with Jennifer back then.. but it wasn't just Hannah and Amy who were involved, it was me too.. indirectly. Hannah and Amy stopped by our workshop and...", Richy started to talk quietly. He held my gaze the whole time, occasionally pausing in his narration and then reveling in his thoughts for a brief moment, but I didn't interrupt him, I just waited. It was all heavy on his soul, I could see that from him and from what it sounded like to me he hadn't spoken to anyone about it except at last with Amy, before she took her own life.

“.. and somehow.. it all slipped out of my hands. I was so panicked and made the wrong decisions. Amy's suicide scared me so much and when Hannah spoke to Amy that she had proof.. I don't know..", he finished and stared down at his hands, in which he was holding one of the sandwiches. I got up and sat next to Richy so I could rest my head on his shoulder. So he would know I was there.

"You were panicked and desperate.. I don't know how I would have reacted if I were in this situation. But the first instinct is usually the one that is often not the right one.. but it's okay. You screwed up, yes, but you know it." I said quietly to him and raised my eyes so that I could look at him. A sad smile formed on his lips.

"Yeah, maybe..." he answered before biting off the sandwich again.

"Where's Hannah now?" I asked him after a few moments of silence while he ate. Richy looked up again and looked at me. "She's still in Michael Hanson's abandoned house. She's fine, don't worry.. I've always brought her food and drink, she's not tied up or anything and you can actually take a normal shower and use the toilet and everything.. she's just in a cordoned-off area,” explained he calm. "But I'm going to end all of this now, don't worry.. I should have done that much sooner."

I nodded slightly and placed my head back on his shoulder. Richy put the half-eaten sandwich on the blanket next to him and brushed his hands off before he took mine and interlaced our fingers. A small smile lay on my lips as I watched our intertwined hands. My skin tingled where he touched me and my stomach felt like it was pounding. I was glad that I had enough control over myself that it wasn't obvious what his touch triggered in me.. even if I had a guilty conscience at the same time, I couldn't and didn't want to deny my feelings for him. I knew the whole story now, and no matter what happens next, I would support Richy.

"What's your plan now?" I asked him while tracing small circles on his skin with my thumb. Richy shrugged slightly, just enough not to push my head away. "If I knew that.. I will definitely release Hannah. And then... go to the police. Face me, probably go to jail." he said and sighed.

I bit my lower lip. It was crazy and.. I didn't know how to do it either, but.. "You can always come to me, you know?" I said quietly, raising my head to look at him could rest my chin on his shoulder. I knew my cheeks were flushed again, but I didn't care. I wanted to look at him, to let him know with my eyes that I was behind him.

Richy actually looked at me very surprised after hearing my words. A small smile played on his lips again. He squeezed my hand gently, but then shook his head. "I appreciate what you're offering.. but I'd like to try to make the right decision. And I've been silent before, I don't want to walk around with such guilt feelings again without being able to talk about it..." he replied.

I smiled at him. I knew he was making the right decision and I was happy about it, but if he'd gone along with that suggestion I would have helped him—even if it meant keeping my new friends at a distance more than I wanted to . If, when everything about Richy came out and they noticed that I still support him, they still wanted to be in contact with me. I could imagine that in the end they would not only be disappointed with Richy.

"Come on.. you should be back at the motel before dark.. the faceless man won't harm you, but still I'd feel more comfortable if you got back before dark. And I'm going to take Hannah to the police.” Richy then said after we sat in silence for a few minutes.

I nodded reluctantly, I could have sat here with him forever. I lifted my chin off his shoulder so he could stand up - although he didn't let go of my hand.

He carefully pulled me up. I looked up at him, examining his face carefully. He met my gaze again, that sad smile on his lips. "Thank you, MC..", he said quietly and raised his free hand, which he gently stroked over my cheek.

I stared at him, wanting to kiss him, and his touch didn't make it much better. I didn't know where it was coming from right now.. maybe because I wasn't sure when I'd be that close to him next. Or when I would ever see him again. But.. I didn't want to sit there later and wonder how it could have been.

I took a step closer to him, maintaining eye contact. "Richy..." I mumbled while letting go of his hand and instead cupping both hands on his face, gently pulling him closer to me and placing my lips on his.

I knew I had surprised him - not for the first time today. But it only lasted a moment before I felt his arms around my waist again, how he put them around me and pulled me even closer and how he kissed me back. I smiled into the kiss even though I could feel the tears stinging my eyes.

[imaginationintowords]

Folklore [song series]

my tears ricochet

Modern Day AU! Bucky Barnes x Natasha Romanoff; Steve Rogers x OC!Reader

Plot: Inspired by Taylor Swift’s new album Folklore. The story follows the timeline of Bucky and Elizabeth’s life throughout the years

[warnings: death, and funeral]

word count: 4829

[a/n: sorry for such a long wait. I've been busy. I thought once I was done for the semester I would have a lot more time to work on my stories, but if anything my summer break has been more hectic. Just because I haven't been posting, doesn't mean I haven't been working on them. Just know that I am working on the new chapters for this and for TKWBA, just need a bit of patience from you all. Also thank-you for the continue love and support on all my work]

Series Masterlist

Tag list info here [if you want to be tagged please read this]

Age: 21

Year: Sep. 2015

Location: Brooklyn, NY & Stanford, CA

Elizabeth was sat at her desk doing her homework. She was anxiously waiting for Steve's call about the baby arriving. He had called her two hours prior to let her know that Natasha had gone into labor, and they were at the hospital. Steve told her that he'd call her as soon as he heard the news. She tried her hardest to focus on her homework, but she found herself constantly checking her phone for any updates.

Suddenly her phone started going off. She instantly picked it up and answered the call.

"Is the baby here?" She immediately asked.

"Liz," Steve choked out.

"Steve, what's wrong?" She could hear the distress in his voice.

"Natasha, she," he tried to say but the words got caught in his throat, and she could hear the soft cries.

"Steve, breathe," she tries to calm him down the best she could without actually physically being with him.

Elizabeth was simultaneously trying to keep herself calm, and not rush into any assumptions.

"She died," he said after calming himself down enough to tell her what happened.

"She died?"

"I guess there were complications, he tells her, still unsure of what exactly happened.

Steve hadn't thought to ask further into what exactly happened when Bucky's mom called to tell him the devastating news. He couldn't wrap his head around what she was telling him. He just never imagined that this would be the outcome of his best friend welcoming his first child into the world.

Steve clears his throat trying to force the lump back down.

"I'm catching the next flight out to New York," he tells Elizabeth, "I just gotta be there for Bucky."

"Yeah, of course," she says, completely understanding.

"I know you can't exactly fly out now, without letting your professors know, so as soon as I find out all the funeral," his throat catches at the word, he takes a small breath, "all the funeral information I'll let you know."

"Okay that works," she agrees.

"Okay. I haven't to pack real quick and get to the airport within the next hour," he tells her.

"Okay, I'll let you go."

"Wait, Steve," she calls out before he could hang up.

"Yeah?"

"I love you," she says with a shaky voice.

"I love you too, so much," he says, "I'll text you when I board the plane."

After one final goodbye, Steve hangs up the phone.

The flight seemed like Steve's longest one he's ever been on. As soon as he landed he quickly grabbed his carry on, the only thing aside from his backpack that he brought with him. Elizabeth had messaged him letting him know that she could bring more of his stuff once she flies out.

Steve made his way out of the airport to find his mom waiting for him by her car. He quickly made his way towards her and wrapping his arms around her.

On the drive to Bucky's apartment Steve sent Liz a text letting her know he landed. He then called Bucky's mom to let her know he was on the way.

"Thank-you for coming out Steve," Winnie thanks him, "The baby is just about to get discharged, we should be at the apartment before you get there."

"Of course, I'll see you guys soon," he says hanging up the phone.

Steve then sends a quick email to his boss and professors explains his absence and why he'll most likely be gone for a couple of weeks.

An hour later Steve's mom was stopping outside of Bucky's building.

"Let them know I'm here if they need anything," his mom tells him before he exists the car, "I'll come back at noon with lunch for everyone."

"Thanks Mom," he says leaning over to kiss her cheek.

Steve exists the car leaving his bags with his mom. He takes one final breath before walking to the front doors. Steve presses the call button for Bucky's apartment and was immediately buzzed in.

As soon as he reaches Bucky's door, he knocks quietly. The door opens and he's welcomed by Rebecca. He takes in the sullen face on the teenage girl.

"Hey Bec," he says.

"Hi," she quietly says, as they hug each other in the door way.

When they pull apart she steps aside letting him inside.

"It's just my parents and I here. Bucky didn't want to deal with a lot of people right now," she explains to Steve.

"Steve," he hears from his left, Keith, Bucky's stepdad makes his way out of the small kitchenette over to him, and embracing him, "Thank-you so much for coming. We know you're a very busy person."

Before Steve could respond Bucky's mom Winnie walks into the living room.

"Oh Steve," she immediately wraps her arms around him.

"Thank-you so much for coming on such a short notice," she says. Steve could hear the shakiness in her voice. He could tell she was trying to keep it together. No doubt the last 12 hours being the most stressful and emotional she's ever been.

"There's no need to thank me. This is where I need to be," he tells them.

"Let us at least pay you back for the flight," Keith says.

"No, don't worry about that," Steve waves him off, "I had a lot of miles that needed to be used."

"Well, thank-you again," Keith nods his head, understanding where Steve was coming from.

"You can go on ahead Steve. Bucky is waiting for you in the nursery," Winnie tells him, giving him an assuring nod, he nods back making his way towards the nursery.

The short walk seemed like it was much longer. Steve has never felt so nervous in his life. When he approaches the closed door, he softly knocks on it.

"Come in," Bucky calls from inside.

Steve walks in, closing the door behind him. He's immediately greeted by Bucky sitting in the rocking chair in the corner of the room, feeding his newborn daughter.

"Hey," Steve softly says, not sure what to say.

"Hey," Bucky greeted Steve with a sad smile.

It had been 12 hours later and it still didn't feel real to Bucky. The hospital had even offered the chance for him and Poppy to stay a couple of days, but all Bucky wanted to do was to go home and get away from the hospital. But now being back in the apartment without Natasha was surreal. He was trying his best to keep it all in, at least while the baby is awake and needs him.

He was determined in being the one that cared for her, even when his mom offered to take care of her for a few hours while he gets some rest. He assured her that he needed to do this. He had to do it alone, because he knew that soon enough it would just be him and Poppy.

Bucky was very grateful when he heard Steve was flying out. He felt like Steve was the only one he could really talk to about everything going on.

Steve was still standing by the door, just watching his best friend be a dad for the first time. He had no idea what to say in this kind of situation. The words were caught in his throat the moment he actually saw Bucky.

"Thanks for coming," Bucky says breaking the silence. Steve immediately looks away from the baby to meet Bucky's eyes.

"You would've done the same thing," Steve says, "And like I've said before, I'll always be here for you."

"I don't care how far, I'll always be on that first flight to you," Steve continues, he glances down at the now sleepy baby, "You're my brother Buck."

There was a moment of silence between the young men. Both understanding what the other one means with such few words.

Steve watched as Bucky gently placed the sleepy baby on his shoulder to burp her.

"It suits you," Steve quietly remarks.

"What?" Bucky looked up at him confused.

"Fatherhood, it suits you," Steve says again, stepping closer to his friend.

"You think?" Bucky looks back down at the now sleeping baby.

"Yeah. I know it's only been less than a day, but you look natural. Make it look easy."

"Thanks," Bucky smiled, getting up for the he chair and walking over to the crib to gently place Poppy in.

Steve walked over, standing next to Bucky, watching the little one sleep peacefully.

"What's her name?" Steve whispered, realizing that he hadn't found out what the name of the baby was.

"Poppy James Barnes," Bucky proudly says.

"That's cute," Steve commented, he placed his right hand on Bucky's left shoulder and gave it a squeeze.

Bucky looked over at Steve and they both nodded their heads in agreement, before falling into an embrace.

"I am so sorry," Steve quietly says.

"It happened so quick, she barely even got to see the baby," Bucky quietly cried into Steve's shoulder, "I never even thought of this would be the outcome. I never imagined I'd be coming home solo with the baby."

Steve tightened his embrace on Bucky, just listening to his friend.

"I don't know how I'm going to do this Steve. I don't know how I'm going to raise her without her mom. I'm trying to keep it together to not worry my mom, but fuck Steve, I don't know what I'm doing. I'm scared I'll screw this all up. I'm scared I'll screw her up.

"I'm so scared Steve," Bucky cries.

"It's okay to be scared," Steve tries his best to comfort Bucky, "I'd be more concerned if you weren't scared. This is entirely new territory for you. You're raising a child, a child who unfortunately no longer has her mother. That alone is a fucking terrifying thing to go through.

"It's not going to be easy. There's no point in lying to you, and saying it will. You and I both that won't be the truth. But if there's anyone I know who could do this, it's you Buck. You're the strongest person I know. Whatever has happened before this doesn't matter. The only thing that matters now is that little girl. And I know damn well you're going to give her the best life she will ever have," Steve pulls away from Bucky and holds onto his shoulders.

"And you're not alone in this. You have a lot of people who care about you, and now Poppy. You will never be alone. You'll always have someone to call, someone to help you. You're crazy to think we would ever leave you to do this alone. We're here, and we're not going anywhere. You and Poppy will never have to be alone. She might not have her mom, but she's got you, and I know damn well you won't ever let her wonder what being without one parent truly feels like.

"You've got this Buck," Steve assures him, "And we're here every step of the way."

"Thanks Steve," Bucky sniffles, wiping the tears away.

"No need to thank me," Steve smiles, "Now why don't you go take a nap. Get some rest. We're here if Poppy wakes up."

"Yeah I could use some sleep," Bucky yawns, his adrenaline from the last 12 hours fading away.

Steve walks Bucky to his bedroom and watches as he gets into his bed, and quickly falls asleep. He quietly closes the door behind him, with the baby monitor in one hand checking to make sure Poppy is still asleep.

He walks back into the living room, placing the monitor by the tv for everyone to see and hear.

"They're both asleep," Steve announces to the room.

"Oh thank goodness," Winnie sighs, "James hasn't taken a moment to rest since everything happened."

"Knowing Bucky, we'll probably have to be forcing him to rest for the next couple of weeks," Steve says.

"I just got off of the phone with Natasha's father," Keith said walking back inside the apartment.

"What did he say?" Winnie asked.

"He said that the funeral is all up to us," Keith sighs, "Something about how Natasha made her own path with getting pregnant, and that once she left she was no longer his responsibility."

"He really said that?" Winnie asked mortified.

"I'm afraid so," Keith sighed, "I tried reasoning with him saying we would handle everything financially and he can come to the funeral but he said no."

"What kind of father doesn't show up to his own daughter's funeral," Winnie shakes her head in complete disbelief.

"Explains why Natasha was the way she was," Rebecca whispered, so that only Steve could hear her.

He reluctantly agrees.

Two weeks later

Elizabeth was helping Steve with his tie in his childhood bedroom. She had flown in yesterday for today's funeral services. Elizabeth had gotten in late last night, so she still hasn't seen Bucky or Poppy yet. She was a let to get a week off of work and her professors gave her an extension on her assignments when she explained to them what happened.

"I still can't believe Natasha's dad isn't going," she says as she straightens out Steve's tie.

"Bucky's mom is still holding out hope that he shows up," Steve says.

"What does Bucky think of it all?" Elizabeth asks.

"He's not worrying about it," Steve explains, looking over himself in the mirror, "His only concern right now is Poppy and only Poppy. If Nat's dad shows up then he does. But as of now Bucky has made the decision that he will not be in Poppy's life. Not until he proves himself."

"That's very mature," she says grabbing her purse.

"This Buck is like a whole new one you've never seen before. Fatherhood has made him a thousand times more grown up these last couple of weeks."

"That's good."

"Ready to go?" Steve asked her, grabbing the keys to his mom's car.

"Yup," Elizabeth says following Steve out.

Bucky had asked Steve to pick him and Poppy up, and Steve had of course agreed.

They arrived to Bucky's apartment in fifteen minutes. Walking up to Bucky's door they could hear a lot of commotion coming from inside. Steve used the key Bucky gave him to let himself and Elizabeth in.

As soon as they walked in they were greeted by the sounds of a baby crying.

"Buck?" Steve called out.

"We're in here," he calls from the nursery.

They go to the nursery to find Bucky looking frazzled while trying to change Poppy's diaper.

"I'm so sorry. I'm running so behind," Bucky tells them, glancing over his shoulder quickly,

"Poppy didn't sleep well last night. And nothing I've tried has been working."

"It's okay Buck, just take your time," Steve calmly says.

"I still need to shower, shave, and get dressed," Bucky rambles, "She's going to need another change of clothes because she spat all over herself, and my mom only bought this one outfit for today."

"Hey Bucky, calm down," Elizabeth calmly spoke up, placing her hand on his back, "Take a breath."

Bucky felt the warmth and comfort from Liz's touch. He listens to what she says and takes a deep breath.

"Okay good," she says, "now you go get ready. Steve and I got this."

"Okay," he nods his head, handing the baby over to Elizabeth, "thank-you."

"Of course," she softly smiles at him, "now go get ready."

Bucky quickly makes his way out of the room and into his own to get ready.

Elizabeth looks down at the small baby in her arms. She could see so much of Bucky in the baby with hints of Natasha. It was a little strange for her to be holding Bucky's baby and it not being her baby as well. Not that she ever wanted to get back together with Bucky, because she didn't. There was just a little voice in her head, that of her teenage self, saying how it was supposed to be them, doing this together.

She quickly shut the voice down.

Elizabeth was incredibly sympathetic of Bucky's situation. All she wanted to do was be there for him, as a friend. She wanted Bucky to succeed as a father, and she would do what she could to make that happen.

Steve silently watched Elizabeth watching Poppy. He couldn't really read her expression. He hates to admit it to himself, especially with everything going on, but he was slightly worried about how Liz would react to all of this. He had faith in their relationship, of course he trusted her immensely. But he still couldn't help but feel like she might decide to leave him for Bucky. Elizabeth turned around to see Steve looking at her with a distant look in his eyes.

"You good?" She gently asked, breaking him from his self-destructive thoughts.

"Yeah. You?"

"Yeah," she nods her head, handing the baby over to him, "I'm going to try and find her a new outfit.

"Okay," Steve says sitting down with the baby.

"I love you," Liz quietly says to Steve, knowing what could possibly going through his mind, if hers was also wandering.

"I love you," Steve replies back, finding himself relaxing at just hearing those three words, any doubt slipping away.

30 minutes later Bucky was ready to go. He walked out to the living room where he found Steve and Elizabeth sitting with each other holding the baby. He paused for a moment taking in the scene in front of him. He felt a sense of warmth and low flow through him as his closest friends admire his daughter. In that moment he knew he had made the right decision in what he would tell them next.

Steve glanced up to see Bucky leaning against the frame of the hallway.

"Ready?" Steve asked.

"Yeah, but I actually wanted to ask you two something before we go," Bucky says walking over and sitting on a chair next to the couch.

"Sure, what's up?" Steve leans forward, leaning on his knees, giving Bucky his full attention.

Elizabeth tears her eyes away from Poppy to also give Bucky her full attention. She smiles at him, letting him know he could continue on.

"I first and foremost just want to thank you Steve, for what probably is the hundredth time," Bucky says, "I know you have a lot going on with work and school. So I really appreciate everything you've done for me and for Poppy. And you too Elizabeth, I know you're incredibly busy especially with law school prep. And with everything that's happened between-"

"Don't," she stopped him, "What's past is past."

"Well anyways, thank-you," Bucky says, "Now here comes what I wanted to ask you two. There's no other two people I wouldn't trust more with Poppy. So I wanted to ask if you would be her godparents?"

"Really?" Elizabeth asked taken back by Bucky's request.

"Yes," he nods his head, "There's no one else I wouldn't trust with her if anything happens. It'll help me sleep better knowing she'll have two people who'll love her like I would. Two people who have so much love between them, that I know will always be together."

Both Steve and Elizabeth were taken back by Bucky's last statement. They knew Bucky had accepted their relationship, but to actually have him not only say it out loud but to practically give them his blessing, it meant the world to the couple.

Steve and Elizabeth both share a look with tears glistening in their eyes. Elizabeth nods her head.

Steve turns back to Bucky, "We'd be honored to be Poppy's godparents."

Elizabeth and Steve stood up to hug Bucky. All filled with a wide range of emotions. Bucky felt a huge sense of comfort after asking Liz and Steve to be Poppy's godparents. He knew he made the right decision, and he knew he could now sleep better at night knowing his daughter would be taken care of. And by two people he knows can love her the way he does.

After what happened with Natasha, Bucky just wanted to make sure Poppy would be taken care of. If she couldn't have her parents, then she would have the closest thing to having parents. And Bucky knows Steve and Elizabeth would be amazing parents.

That alone allowed him to be at peace for whatever may happen.

Arriving to the funeral location Bucky felt his nerves start to spike. He sat in the backseat looking out the window at the familiar faces walking into the chapel.

"You okay?" Elizabeth asked turning in her seat, after Steve parked the car.

"I don't know if I can do this," he mutters, glancing towards the sleeping baby in the car seat next to him.

"We'll be right next to you along the entire way," Liz calmly says.

"If you feel too overwhelmed we'll leave whenever you want," Steve tells him, "We won't stay if you absolutely can't handle it. No one will hold it against you."

"Okay," Bucky takes a deep breath.

"Stay here, I'll get the stroller out," Steve says, getting out of the car.

"No one is expecting you to be brave, Buck," Elizabeth says, "You're allowed to be vulnerable. You're allowed to show emotions."

He nods his head, taking in what she's telling him.

He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a small necklace. Clutching onto it as if his life depended on it.

Elizabeth catches the small 'N' on it, realizing that that was the necklace Natasha wore everyday since she was 13.

Bucky takes one final deep breath, trying to calm his nerves.

"Okay, I'm ready," he tells her.

"Okay, let's do this."

Bucky was grateful that they arrived only minutes before the service started. Everyone was already seated in the pews.

He slowly walked down the aisle pushing the stroller, Steve and Elizabeth walking right behind him.

Bucky tried his best to avoid any eye contact with everyone. He couldn't bare to look at the pity in their eyes.

He caught sight of his family siting in the second row. He also noticed a man sitting alone in the first row.

He instantly knew who it was.

Once Bucky reached the first row, the man made to movement to greet Bucky.

Bucky cleared his throat, "Mr. Romanoff."

The older man looked over at Bucky, then at the stroller.

"James," he stiffly said, turning his attention back to the front.

Bucky awkwardly sat down placing the stroller next to his legs, away from Natasha's father, while Steve and Elizabeth sat next to Bucky.

The service was going smoothly up until the priest announced that Natasha's father would be making a speech, catching everyone off guard.

Bucky looked at the older man as he walked up to the stand. He turned around to face his mom, "Did you know this?" he whispered.

"No I didn't," she shook her head.

Right as Mr. Romanoff was about to start speaking, Poppy began to cry. Bucky quickly went to get her out of the stroller, while Steve quickly went to grab a bottle to help him out.

As soon as the baby calmed down Mr. Romanoff began to speak.

"First and foremost, I want to thank everyone for coming," he begins, "I really appreciate it. Natasha would be eternally grateful for all of you."

Bucky started to get annoyed by the beginning of Mr. Romanoff's speech. As if the man didn't turn down the invitation for the last two weeks. Now he's trying to act like the perfect father, as if he didn't kick her out and cut off his pregnant daughter.

"Natasha was a kind hearted person. Only wanting the best for those closest to her. She was the most selfless person you would have ever met," he continued on with his speech.

Elizabeth couldn't help but be confused by Mr. Romanoff's speech. She hated thinking ill of the dead, but that man had no idea who his daughter truly was.

"Natasha was so smart, earning her way into Yale. She was only months away from graduating. I was so incredibly proud of her. If only we would've gotten the opportunity to watch her walk across the stage.

"Other than leaving an everlasting impression on all of us, she also left behind a part of her. Her last moments on Earth was spent bringing in another Romanoff," he says.

Bucky's head snapped up to Mr. Romanoff, then towards Steve.

"Romanoff?" Bucky whispered, "This man has the fucking nerve."

"Ignore him," Steve whispered back, trying to calm Bucky down, "He's just saying all of this to make himself look good."

"Natasha brought her daughter into the world," Mr. Romanoff continued, forcing fake tears to fall, "I remember being by her side as she was in labor."

Bucky clenched his jaw, forcing himself not to call Mr. Romanoff out on his lies.

"As she was dying," Mr. Romanoff paused for dramatic effect, "Her only request was to name her daughter after her."

Steve paled his hand on Bucky's shoulder, trying his best to calm him down. It was too late, Bucky was already placing Poppy in Steve's arms.

"What a fucking lie," Bucky stood up shouting at Mr. Romanoff, causing everyone to gasp.

"James," Mr. Romanoff said through gritted teeth, as a warning.

"How could you just lie to all these people?" Bucky shouted, "How could you lie as if you didn't disown Natasha months prior when she told you she was pregnant. Or when my parents kept inviting you to the funeral, you kept saying no and how Natasha's decisions led to their death. How dare you say you were in the delivery room. As if you didn't have her number blocked.  My mom and I were there when things took a horrible turn. We were there when the doctor walked out and told us Natasha didn't make it. Not you! Us!

"Then you go on to make some shitty story about Nat's last words. Which is completely false. Natasha never wanted to name the baby after herself, you'd actually know that if you were actually present in her life. But you weren't. And you sure as hell will never be a part of your granddaughter's life."

Bucky turned to Steve and Liz, "Let's go."

They nodded their heads and helped put Poppy in the stroller. They followed Bucky as he walked out of the chapel.

After leaving the funeral services, Steve was able to calm Bucky down. Winnie had called Elizabeth to let her know that the burial services the next day were officially going to be private. Liz agreed that that'd be best for everyone involved. Especially with what happened during the funeral services.

The burial service was only attended by Bucky, and his family, along with Elizabeth and Steve.

Everything went along smoothly. Everyone giving Bucky the safe space to grieve.

After the burial, everyone gave Bucky a few moments alone at the grave site so he can say his final goodbyes.

"Hey Nat," he pauses taking a deep breath, "these last two weeks haven't been the easiest. But boy have they been amazing. I may be more exhausted than I've ever been, but boy is she worth it.

"She may only be two weeks but I can already tell she's going to be the most amazing person ever," he softly cries, "You would've loved her so much. But like I promised back at the hospital, she'll never not know who her mother was. I will always make sure she knows who you were. Always."

"Goodbye Natasha," he whispered, before walking away to join his family waiting.

Age: 26

Location: Brooklyn, NY

Year: 2020

"Daddy, what's this?" Poppy calls out to her father from his bedroom.

"What's what petal?" He asked walking into the room, finding her surrounded by boxes, as they prep for their move uptown.

"This," she holds up the small necklace with the 'N'.

Bucky kept that necklace in a small box in his nightstand. He kept it at the bottom of his nightstand for safe keepings. Planning on one day to give it to his daughter. He always planned to wait until she was 16, but he figures now is as good as ever.

"That was your mommy Natasha's," he said walking over to her, and sitting next to her on his bed, "She got it when she was 13, and wore it every day up until when she died."

"It's pretty," she says admiring it in her hands.

"It is isn't it," he smiles at his little girl, "It's now yours."

He grabs the necklace from her little hands. He unclasps it, then gently moves her dirty blonde hair to the side. He places the necklace around her neck, and clasps it shut.

"Thank-you daddy," she smiles brightly at her father, admiring the necklace that now lay on her chest.

Bucky smiled at his daughter, watching as she kept admiring the necklace. It was a little big on her, but he knew she would grow into it.

"Anything for you baby," he kisses the top of her head, "Anything."

[everyhowlmarksthedead]

❛ YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE ❜

✨ REQUEST: hermanikiiiiiii i wanted to request you the prompt number 1 with coco cruz!!thank you, love you muchisisimoooooo💕💕

✨ PROMPTS: “Wait, you love me? Like Garfield loves Lasagna?”

✨ MADE BY: Juls.

Gif credit: to my lovely @supervalcsi.

WORDS: about 2k.

❚❙ A/N: this writing hasn’t been edited, you may find some grammar mistakes, I’m sorry about that. If you find a description about body or a word out of place or something that makes you feel uncomfortable / unrepresented, let me know by a private message and I will change it delighted ❤

❚❙ JOHNNY ‘COCO’ CRUZ MASTERLIST.

❚❙ MASTERLIST.

❚❙ JOIN MY TAG LIST.

When you heard that Coco had been shot, your heart suddenly stopped. It was four days ago in some kind of dog's fight, as Chuckie told you at the scrapyard. Bishop needed someone to take care of him while they were investigating what happened, so you offered yourself without doubting it.

Much to your regret, you are only two good friends, even if you feel more things that you can't explain, about which you haven't talked with anyone. And thanks to your work in the hospital, you managed a room only for him, so he could rest as much as he wanted, as much as he needed. But your back hurts like hell after being sleeping on the sofa, close to the bed, just to make sure that you were able to attend to all his necessities for minimal they were.

These days there, you have learned a lot about him, about his curiosities, about his fears; spending his time awake talking with you to keep his mind entertained, to not think about the pain in his lower abdomen. Your mates took the bullet in a jiffy, but, normally, the sorrow remains for a couple of weeks. Luckily, he only complained when the hour of the next turn of medicines was close.

You have tried to not think about your feelings the time you were in the hospital, but it was impossible. All you wanted to do was to lie by his side on the bed, embrace him between your arms and kiss him, having to conform yourself with holding his hand and resting your cheek on the mattress. Your eyes have never left his eyes, not even when he was sleeping, on alert in case of an unforeseen because of pain, or an infection, or God who knows. You were really paranoid.

“You ready?”

Coco glared at you, slightly tilting his head. You had asked the same question five times in the last two minutes. Offering him a hand to secure himself, the mexican put down from the hospital bed, ready to leave and go home. Angel and Gilly had cleaned his house, even if you insisted to Bishop that you could do it. But he asked you back to stay with him till the next morning, so he wouldn't stay the night alone until they came back from the other side of the border.

Two knocks in the opened door brought you back to reality from your own thoughts, in the meantime that you helped Coco to wear his leather kutte. Directing your tired eyes to the entrance of the room, you found three Vicki's girls, happily waving their hands. Raising an eyebrow confused and your lips pressed, they came in without asking.

“Papi, we've missed you”. The latin and playful tone of voice from Mariela, as she swung her hips to your friend, gave you shivers.

In just one sight, your presence was pushed to the background. These girls hadn't even called to ask about his state of health and, now, they were there as if they did all the work you did —delighted, of course. Trying to keep calm, you put Coco's clothes into his bag, zipping it when everything is ready.

“No te preocupes, we take care of him now”. Carolina sentenced with contempt and superiority, grabbing his stuff ready to abandon the hospital.

“Yeah, mami. Go home and rest”. His words hurt. More than a bullet.

Preferring their company besides yours let you know that he hadn't taken in count what you did. And yes, you did it because you wanted, but you also thought that maybe could mean a step ahead. But it wasn't. Not saying a word, doing anything but a simple nod with your chin, you grabbed your bag to step out from there. Ashamed. Feeling stupid.

Two weeks have passed and Coco has come back to the clubhouse. This time you have been doing extra shifts to compensate for your lost days taking care of him, almost walking like a zombie from home to work, and from work to home. So, when Bishop invites you to a party in his honor, you decline it. You are too tired physically to assist and tired mentally for foolishness. What is the point of going to a party to see Coco having fun with those bitches? You have had enough after two weeks without receiving a single text to thank you or to know how you are. He hasn't even cared about the fact that you haven't shown up in the club for two weeks. That's the little he thinks in your friendship.

Zapping from one channel to another, you try to find something to watch. A movie, a tv show, whatever that helps to distract your mind, while you enjoy thai noodles with beef. Finally finding an action movie, you cover yourself with a cozy blanket, grabbing the cardboard box to start your dinner. The ringtone of your phone interrupts your calm, with Coco's name on the screen. At first, you don't want to answer, but he continues insisting for more than three long minutes. Hanging up and calling again. With a furious growl installed in your throat, you leave over the table your dinner to grab your phone.

“The fuck means you aren' comen'?”

He doesn't even let you say hi or how are you.

“It means that I'm tired and I have to work at five”.

“I don' think one damn beer reverses your sleeping schedule, Yo' Grace”.

“Fuck you, Jonathan. I've been working double shifts to cover the hours I was taking care of you in th—”.

“Nobody asked you to do it”.

Eyes widened and your heart racing. You can't believe he just said that.

“Yeah, nobody did. But your hermanos preferred to be on the other side of the border. Your putas preferred to be partying and sucking dicks in Vicki's. And your mamá sent me pal' carajo when I called to tell her what happened. I did it because I was your friend. Because I cared about you. Because seeing you there with… all those tubes was killing me. That shit continues giving me nightmares every fucking night. But you shit on that. You kicked me as soon as your putas came to the hospital”. You don't know when you have started to cry, more than because of the rage than because of the sadness. “I'm sorry if I'm too tired to drink a fucking beer, but my job is more important than a person who doesn't give a shit about me, who hasn't called or text me in two weeks, who only wants my company when no one else is around. Have fun in your damn party and fuck all those whores to thank them for picking you up from the hospital, but didn't care about how you were after being shot”.

Hanging up, you toss the phone somewhere on the table, wrapping your body with the blanket and lying down on the sofa. Trying to contain the tears, the only thing you earn is to cry bitterness. You can't understand why he only has noticed your absence at the party. What has changed? Probably it was his egocentrism working, wanting to be surrounded by a lot of people, not caring if they're his friends or not. But you're done being his lapdog.

About to fall asleep, the angry hits in the main door make you suddenly wake up agitated.

“Open up!”

The rage is consuming you again after hearing the strong mexican accent, taking three long strides towards it to receive him with your reddened crystal eyes.

“What the fuck 'you want now? Haven't you had enough beating myself up?”

“You're fuckin' dramatic”. He spits in your face, stopping with a foot the slam to his about to close the door again. “I didn't talk to you because you were working, bu' you didn't talk to me either”.

“Yeah, because you were served with your bitches. Go fuck yourself, Jonathan”.

“Don' call me like that again”. Coco grunts taking a step into your house. “You had to work, they came to cover your back”.

“Oh, please, don't make me laugh. They just wanted to have the credits of taking care of you, so you will expend more money with them. That's the only thing they care about you. Wake up from your world of fantasy, Coco. If you weren't part of the MC, you wouldn't be a shit for them; just another fucking soldier with a broken home”. You can't help but push his chest with both hands, driven by anger.

At first, he doesn't say anything. He looks thoughtful, being aware of the truth in your words. And it hurts that you have to be the one to open his eyes. The problem is that you weren't thinking while talking, pulling your gaze away from him and pressing your trembling lips, one against the other.

“I'm sorry”. You babble, cleaning your tears with the back of your left hand. “I didn't mea—”.

“But you said so”. Coco interrupts you with a husky tone of voice, bristling every inch of skin of your anatomy. “That's wha' I am without my kutte. An ex-soldier, a criminal, an outlaw. I spend my money on them because they take care of me, one way or another”.

“I did it too”.

“So, what? What you want? Money? Tell me an amount”.

Squinting at him, you can't help but chuckle with a painful and bitter laugh.

“I did it because I love you, not because I want your money”. You confess, knowing there's no going back. “I don't care about your money, nor your job, nor about your kutte. I love you because you make me happy. After all, for me, there's nothing better than a hug of yours, because you… you are simply amazing. You're intelligent, funny, loyal. And I wish that you could see yourself through my eyes, Coco”.

He, not saying anything, is killing you slowly. Barely breathing, you cross your arms over your chest to hide the fact that your lungs aren't receiving any air.

“I thought that after being shot, you realized you only live once. And that… after being those… boring days with me, you realized that you preferred the company of these other girls. The funny part of being alive. So I just pulled myself away”. Taking a small pause, you bow down your head, cleaning your tears again. “These weeks have been torture. I've written you a lot of texts that I haven't sent… and I've been a lot of times about to call you. But 'you know that… feeling when you think... the other person is not gonna answer you, because maybe is too busy for you? That shit has been destroying me”.

Hoping that Coco finally is going to speak, he remains silent. Looking at you openmouthed, processing all the information you have just give him.

“Can you, ple—please, say something?” You beg almost shaking.

“Wait, you… love me? Like… Garfield loves lasagna?”

Raising your eyes, pouting at him, you know that he's trying to make you laugh after understanding all the pain you have been through. Lonely. Without talking about it with anyone.

“I'm sorry, mami… I just… fuck”.

Cupping your cheeks onto his hands, Coco slams his lips on yours, tasting the salty tears you have shed because of him. The sloppy kisses bring some more air to your lungs, calming your racing pulse and making you feel less unhappy. As your fingers get intertwined in his shirt, crinkling under your grip, he urges you to walk backward so he can close the main door with a kick.

“God knows I'm so fuckin' sorry… Please, forgive me”. Coco's whispers brush your lips, keeping his eyes closed just like yours. “I'm gonna take care of you now, okay?”.

Nodding in silence, you place your arms around his middle back, hiding your face into his chest. His strong scent brings you back to life, while his arms wrap you tightly to comfort all the pain he has provoked you without knowing it.

“I just want you, ma'. No one else. Just you”.

[jkbabiey]

𝚂𝚎𝚕𝚏𝚒𝚜𝚑 ⤇ 𝙹𝙹𝙺

Words: 4.7K

Genre: angst; fluff; it's a sad ending y'all

Synopsis: “I'm in love with you and it scares me to death."

Song Rec: 2 kids - Taemin ; to die for - Sam Smith ; r u ok - Tate McRae ; Emotional bruises - Madison Beer ; Selfish - Madison Beer ; i love you - Billie Eilish ; when the party's over - Billie Eilish

Oh, he was so perfect! So freaking flawless you couldn’t take your eyes off him for a second!

You had just got to Hoseok’s party with Yuta, but it seemed, to Jungkook, like he had been staring at you for hours. You hadn’t spared him a look yet, and if he hadn’t stood up from his seat on the couch to greet you, you probably wouldn’t have even known he was there too. You were too busy looking at your boyfriend, all wide-eyed and agape lips, to notice his presence behind you. But then Yuta’s eyes hardened as he crossed eyes with your best friend, and you, of course, noticed his change of behaviour and looked over your shoulder.

“Oh! Hi Kook!” you squealed and immediately threw your arms around his neck. Jungkook quickly enveloped your waist in his muscular arms, lifting you from the floor. “God, I missed you so much these last days! Where have you been?” you asked against the skin of his neck. And Jungkook smiled, discretely taking a sniff from your hair.

“I’ve been where I always am. You’re the one who disappeared,” he said, humorously - but not so much, because he actually meant to throw that in your face, but he wouldn’t stand the idea of making you feel bad over anything, ever.

“Oh God, blame Yuta here!” you said, raising your eyebrows and chuckling softly as he let you back on the floor. “Yuta, this is Jungkook, my best friend.” You presented him, and he held out his hand in Yuta’s direction, out of pure courtesy.

“Hey man,” Yuta muttered and shook his hand, a bit too boldly for Jungkook’s liking. Jungkook smiled at the guy - a very small and not-genuine smile. Any other time, you would have noticed how fake his smile was, but right now, your eyes were on Yuta. None of your attention was aimed at Jungkook.

Before Jungkook noticed, you two were already too immersed in how amazing these last days - without him - had been, he turned around and walked out of the toxic, smoke-ish and noisy environment that had taken over Hoseok’s whole place, betting his ass that you wouldn't notice his absence until the end of the night.

His hands were buried in his pockets and his head hung low. He was praying not to bump into Jin, Taehyung or any other of his closest friends that had also attended the party. His lips were currently being intensely wounded by his front teeth. His eyes stung and he didn’t know why. Then he got to his car, sitting down and letting go a deep breath that he didn’t know he was holding in. Then the tears he also hadn’t noticed to be sheltering in his eyes started to run down his cheeks.

He didn't quite know why he was crying. The only thing he knew was that you were taken. You were completely smitten to some other guy, that wasn’t him and that bothered him in measures he couldn’t have imagined. You were absolutely smitten to someone, who wasn't him.

He had lost his chance. That's why he was crying.

He was a goner.

You were standing there, messy hair, deep dark circles, bare face, large grey sweatpants- that seemed oddly familiar to him, but he decided to ignore that - and a black sweatshirt, in front of him, asking to come in. He stepped away and you came in. Not wasting any time after he closed the door, you grabbed his neck and buried your face on it. He felt the wet patches you were leaving in his thin dark green t-shirt. He held you tight against his body and you sobbed fully. Your cries only intensified when he placed one of his big hands on your head and took his soft lips to your forehead, pecking it.

Then he picked you up, your legs around his waist and your face, still buried in his neck. He took you to his living room, taking a chair and placing it in front of his warm fireplace. He sat on it, you on his lap, holding onto his shoulders. There was nothing better than this spot to calm you down on a cold day. He knew it but he doubted Yuta made any idea of it.

“Have you ever been afraid of losing the love of your life?”

His heart shattered. He could hear it shatter, like a very fragile glass piece. Yuta was the love of your life. What had he to do with that, why were you even here, if your problem was with Yuta?

“You and Yuta argued?”

You hummed, a bit hesitant - the reason unknown to him. He didn’t say anything else. He couldn’t. It was not his place. You just needed a friendly lap to seat on, a couple of warm arms to hold you and a gentle voice to tell you it was alright.

“It’s alright... It’s alright baby...”

That’s exactly what he did.

“This is Soojin, my girlfriend.”

Your eyes widened and a small, surprised smile played on your lips. He hesitated for your answer.

“Hi!” after greeting the beautiful girl that stood next to him holding his hand tight, you moved forward to briefly hug her. “Jungkook, never mentioned you before!”.

Snarky.

Soojin looked at Jungkook, her shy eyes now displayed a small discreet amount of anger.

“Oh... This is pretty recent. That’s why,” Soojin blurted, a nervous laugh erupting right away.

Soojin was a girl he had met about a month ago and she was amazing. Incredibly breathtaking and Jungkook couldn’t adore her more. His crush on you had been long forgotten - or at least he thought it had.

Jungkook thought the dinner was delicious, but still, when you asked what he thought of the dinner he answered ‘it’s good, but yesterday Soojin made some amazing bibimbap, I should have asked her to do it for tonight instead’. And you smiled bitterly and him. No one else noticed the bitterness in your smile, but he did.

Why was he acting this way? Because since he and his new girlfriend got in your apartment, you had established this dumb discreet competition between you and Soojin, making passive-aggressive comments and the poor girl beside him was so notoriously uncomfortable, he felt sorry for bringing her here.

“Soojin, maybe you should visit my hairdresser”

“I know you probably don’t understand since you’ve never been to college, but I’ve been so happy with my grades recently”

“How have you managed to attract someone like Jungkook, I mean... You know what I mean, right?”

So when the dinner was over, he pulled you away by the arm, bringing you to the kitchen and leaving Yuta and Soojin on the balcony, enjoying the view and hopefully sparing Soojin some minutes of your annoyingly mean comments.

“Why are you being such a bitch to Soojin?” he asked, hands on his hips and his eyes raging.

“I’m not,” you furrowed your eyebrows and he laughed ironically.

“Don’t play dumb with me, Y/N.”

“You had never mentioned her before. Who do you think I am, for you to present me some temporary fling you’re having. I’m more important than that! If you want to present me to someone, I want her to be at least stable. Not someone you’ve been dating for 2 weeks!”

“What has time to do with it? I like her, I think she’s worthy enough for you to meet her!”

“C’mon, look at her. She sports the slutty look.” you deadpanned and Jungkook’s eyes widened.

“You’re going too far! Look at Yuta! He’s the typical high school fuckboy!” he whisper-screamed. “You have no moral to talk about Soojin like that!”

“Oh, now he’s defending her!” you ironized and he rubbed his forehead, trying to look for just a little bit more patience. “You didn’t even tell me she was coming! And plus, I don’t have to mandatorily like her!”

“I don’t like Yuta and you don’t hear me talking to him like he's trash, right?”

“Yeah, that’s because he’s not trash, but we can’t say the same for Soojin, can we?”

That was enough. He turned his back on you, going to the balcony in quick steps and grabbing Soojin’s hand in his. He dragged her across your apartment as you stared at him piercingly.

“Babe, what’s going on?” Soojin asked, completely adrift.

“We’re leaving.”

“I haven’t said goodbye yet, kook”

“You don’t need to, we’re not coming back anyway,” he stated as his eyes locked on yours.

Jungkook really didn’t plan on coming back but Soojin broke up with him about a month later, claiming that he was in love with someone else and not bothering to explain further. Needless to say, Jungkook had never been as bewildered and nauseated in his life. He had argued with you, his best friend, to protect Soojin’s dignity, and she dared to say he didn’t love her?!

The only one he could think of to help him figure out what the heck Soojin was referring to with such barbarities, was you. You were the most intelligent and astute person Jungkook had ever met. He was sure you were the only one who could possible help him.

When he showed up at your door, you opened it. No sign of shock or surprise evident on your face in seeing him after your huge argument, because you both knew you two would never be able to stay mad a each other for too long. A month of not talking was a new record.

When he blurted out the reason Soojin had used to break up with him, after sitting down next to you on your couch, your mouth fell agape and your eyes widened.

“What?” you exclaimed as Jungkook shook his head, showing his bewilderment.

“That’s what I said!” he exclaimed back and you looked at the floor, completely confused by what your best friend was telling you. The boy had almost finished his 7-year friendship to defend his new girlfriend. How could she even question his feelings?!

“She’s probably just overthinking something... Maybe she saw you hugging another girl... Or maybe a text on your phone...”

“I didn’t text anyone other than her! Not even you!” he screeched and you scratched your ear, trying to think of some logical reason behind the sudden breakup.

“... Probably, it’s really her overthinking something... Girls do that! I do that, all the time!” you looked at him doubtfully, as he stared back in the same way. “SHE’S INSECURE!” you shouted as the sudden realization, that seemed to be the most logical out of every single theory you had already come up with, came to your mind.

Jungkook widened his eyes, straightening his back as your speculation didn’t seem as automatically disposable as all the others that had come to his mind.

“That’s it!” you continued. “Probably, she’s in one of those times where she doubts every single thing in her body, and she thinks she’s not enough for you! I feel that way too often!”

Jungkook’s expression got serious as he heard the last portion of your speech. “You do?”

It took you a moment to understand what he was asking, but as you saw the worry behind his eyes you quickly figured the context of the question. “Oh... Yeah, I guess it’s pretty normal...”

“You shouldn’t feel that way, you’re pretty amazing...”

You smiled shyly and sent him a sweet gaze, as he quickly returned it. “With Yuta, it’s pretty hard not to doubt me at times. Have you seen the guy? Seems like he came straight out a freaking novel...” you chuckled playfully and Jungkook pushed your shoulder with his.

“And so do you.” And there was Jungkook in his natural element.

“Jungkook! Stop flirting!” you screeched, shyly as your cheeks turned into a dark shade of pink. Jungkook laughed, cringing internally at how cute he found you in that exact moment. He embraced your shoulders in his muscular arms, and you finally looked into his eyes. His face was awfully close and you could feel his breath on your face as a soft smile lingered on his lips.

“Missed you,” he whispered so that only the two of you could hear it, even though no one else was around.

“Missed you,” you whispered back, leaning your forehead to his.

Soojin had taken him back.

She had her reasons to break up with him in the first place, but she couldn’t deny the guy a second chance as he stood by her door, a bouquet of red roses, that you had recommended, in his hand, puppy eyes and pouted lips.

You had found out in the worst of ways.

Crying your heart out, you stood in the elevator, waiting for it to finally come to your destination, your best friend’s apartment floor. When it did, you got out of it, your face smudged with your -supposedly, waterproof - mascara. You knocked and were received by Soojin, in all her beauty, messy hair and no make-up features, wearing Jungkook’s shirt. She was probably busy with something else. She still managed to look extremely gorgeous, and there were you, looking like you had just been run over by a bus.

“Y/N! Are you alright! That’s dumb, of course not! Do you want to come in? Wait a second, I’ll go call Jungkook,” she stated with a genuine expression of worry on her face and a hand on your shoulder.

“No! No, leave it. I’m fine!” you said, grabbing her hand before she could go and call Jungkook. “I’ll just go home. Sorry for interrupting you two!” you smiled, even with your smudged make-up face. “Don’t worry, I’ll just call him later!”

And so you turned your back on her, as you felt her worried look on your back.

“Oh! And I’m sorry about how I treated you last time...” You turned back to her, sending an apologetic smile her way.

“Don’t worry about that...” she muttered and smiled back.

It was obvious why Jungkook liked her so much.

“What happened yesterday?!” Jungkook shouted as soon as you opened the door, exactly 7:54 AM and the guy was already standing by your door.

“You didn’t tell me you and Soojin were back together...”

“Not what I asked,” he said back, impatient.

“I wasn’t answering you either,” you mocked and he sent you an annoyed look. “Don’t worry about last night. I’m fine now.”

“I just want to know what happened. Not even worried...” he said and you laughed at how sarcastic he could be at times.

“Yuta and I broke up,” you said and Jungkook’s eyes widened. “He cheated. A drunk night out.”

“Son of a bitch...” he muttered and you quickly enveloped his face with your hands, bringing his eyes to yours.

“I’m fine, really. No need to get mad” you chuckled a bit. Jungkook stared at you for a while, before holding your hands and kissing both of them.

“You deserve so much better. Please don’t settle for someone like him.”

“I won’t,” you smiled and he smiled back.

He spent the rest of the day with you. Both laying on the sofa, holding onto each other, and watching movies, with a huge bowl of the sweetest popcorn you could have managed.

“I’m 25...” you muttered out of nowhere and Jungkook hummed back, his face snuggled by the side of your neck, his arms around your waist and his chest against your back.

“And?”

“I want to get married someday and now I don't have a boyfriend,” you muttered once again.

“Were you really planning on marrying that piece of shit?”

“I didn’t know he was a piece of shit.”

“You don’t need to get married now. You’re still young. You’ll find a great guy, who knows how to truly value you as the woman you are,” he said, before softly kissing the skin of your neck, where his cheek was previously resting on.

"Soojin’s a lucky girl,” you said, smiling, after few silent moments.

She really was a lucky girl.

A few years later

“Would you marry me?”

Your eyes widened, quickly averting to your best friend, kneeled down in front of his 3-year girlfriend. He was glowing. A wide perfectly white smile played on his lips as he stared up at Soojin with eyes that shone brighter than ever. She was speechless - very much like you. Her hands covered her mouth and her eyes were starting to get wet with tears. The answer that followed was obvious.

“Yes!”

There it was. She threw her arms around Jungkook’s neck, as he stood up and enveloped her slim waist in his embrace. She was crying already and he chuckled lightly at the emotional mess his girlfriend was.

You weren't expecting this. But you should have. Jungkook hadn't talked to you about this or left you any clue about it, but still, he was 28 years old. You could see the shine of his eyes getting brighter each time he looked at her, every passing day. They were in love and their relationship was stronger each day.

Your whole group of friends manifested their happiness. Jimin had tears in his eyes from how happy he was seeing that the youngest of the group was finally settling down for life. Namjoon clapped his hands, smirking proudly at the youngest. You could swear you’d seen Jin, that stood next to Namjoon also clapping his hands, winking to his friend when their eyes crossed. Yeri whistled loudly along with Taehyung, while Irene laughed at her friends’ foolishness.

Mingyu, quite unaware of the mess the living room held, kept his eyes secured on you, smiling. When you caught his gaze, you sent him a tiny smile back - the first since the heartfelt proposal. You averted your eyes back to the couple holding each other in the middle of the room and when they parted their embrace, Jungkook’s eyes locked on yours. You weren’t smiling as he expected you to be. You didn’t even seem to be happy for him. He smiled anyway, and you, in all your effort, winked playfully at him, as you turned your back on him. You grabbed a cup of champagne and walked towards the balcony, being interrupted by the male hand that suddenly grabbed your waist.

“We’re next,” you heard Mingyu whisper in your ear. You looked back, grabbing his hand and lightly squeezing it.

“You bet,” you answered playfully and smiled brightly at him.

Mingyu was your boyfriend. You had been dating him for 2 years now and he was great. Jungkook had presented him to you at a home party. You still remember complaining to him about having to watch him and Soojin being all couply while you still spent the night laying in bed and watching romances. The week after your complaints he took you to a party and introduced you to this really nice and good-looking guy, which happened to be his friend, named Mingyu. Mingyu was a few months older than you and he had just started to work as a lawyer. He was already introduced to your family and they all loved him, dismissing your sister's daily comments that claimed her disappointment because she thought you 'would end u with your Jungkook'.

When Mingyu let go of you to go hang out with the rest of your friends, you reached the balcony, closing the door behind you, leaning on the glass balcony and gazing at the amazing view your friend Irene had got when she bought this new apartment with Jin, her boyfriend. Your hair, being wildly swept by the wind, was a mess, but you could care less. Your eyes were teary, you didn't really know why though. Something about Jungkook getting married left a huge ball of emotions sitting on your chest. What bothered you is that even knowing Soojin was an amazing girl and Jungkook would be happy with her, you weren't particularly happy with the news. You knew this could as well turn you into a very shitty best friend, and that's why you thought you wouldn't really be able to talk to Jungkook without catching a breath of fresh air first. Without noticing the tears you had been previously sheltering in your eyes, were now running down your cheeks.

You sobbed and quickly wiped the tears away when you heard the balcony doors opening and closing again. It was Jungkook, you knew it when you felt the warm presence you'd gotten used to after 9 years.

"Hey," he muttered.

You didn't answer, afraid your voice would fail you and just kept staring forwards, feeling Jungkook's gaze on you. You knew he knew you had been crying. He was a master when it came to figuring it out.

"So... you're getting married now hum?" you commented, once your vocal cords seemed stable enough.

"Right," he answered, and you looked at your side, not bothering to hide your puffy eyes. "What do you think of that?" he asked you and you looked down at your hands.

"You know... If you're happy, I'm happy," you said and he chuckled.

"Of course," Jungkook mimicked your actions, looking down as well. You two stayed quiet for some time, as the starry night sky shined down on you.

"You look amazing tonight, by the way," he remarked. "Didn't get the chance to te-"

"You didn't tell me you were going to propose," you interrupted him, looking back at him. There wasn't a shy smile on your lips or a polite gaze on your eyes. All Jungkook could see in your expression was hurt.

"I don't have to tell you every little thing going on in my life," he answered, putting up his defensive side.

"This is not little! This is marriage," you exclaimed and stared at him. He stared down and stayed quiet.

"Mingyu told me he's going to propose too," he announced and you widened your eyes. Not that you hadn't thought about it. Mingyu had commented a lot of times he wanted to make you his wife and build a family with you. But still, it was big news for you.

"I'm sure you weren't supposed to tell me that."

"Are you going to say yes?" he asked and stared at you.

You stared back at him and for once in that night, your eyes met for more than a minute. There was a silent plead present in his eyes that you couldn't really figure out. He sighed and got closer to you, your arms rubbing against each other. You lay your head down on his shoulder and he shortly kissed your forehead.

"Y/n..." he whispered, and you hummed back, still not answering his previous question. "I can... go back. If you... want me to."

"If you love her, then you should marry her," you answered right away, not wanting to hold your best friend back from marrying the girl he loves.

He kept quiet and so did you.

"Are you going to say yes?" he repeated his previous question and you shot your head up, looking straight in his eyes.

"You know... I've always thought of you as the love of my life."

Jungkook's eyes widened as you chuckled. That's when it came to him. That night, you were afraid of losing him, not Yuta.

"I've always been told I should marry the love of my life. But I don't think I can marry you now that you're already married," you stated playfully, but Jungkook's stare was serious. "Mingyu is amazing, really. I worship him. But how do I know if I love him enough to marry him?" you asked, looking up to find Jungkook already staring at you, a mix of different emotions present in his eyes. "How did you know you loved Soojin enough to marry her?" you asked again and Jungkook looked down.

"Well... I like her almost as much as I love you," he whispered loud enough for only you to listen. "And I think that's a whole lot."

"Do you love her, though?" you asked, absolutely perplexed at his answer.

He smiled lightly and sighted.

"You just don't get it, do you?" he whispered.

He stood up straight, turning his back on you and walking back towards the door.

"Why don't you just tell me then?" you said a bit louder than you had talked the whole night.

He looked back at you, over his shoulder, his hand already on the door handle. He chuckled lowly, what sounded like a sarcastic chuckle, before turning back to you and taking two steps forward. Somehow, his expression had changed and you weren't sure how to read it now. He was bitter.

"You want me to tell you? I just proposed and you have the guts to get sad because I'm marrying Soojin??

"I'm not s-"

"Shut up! Just... Shut up." he begged ironically and you stood quiet, he sighed angrily and looked to his left, avoiding looking at you.

"Maybe you should step away... At least for a while."

"What the hell is wrong with you? Jungkook you're getting married. I can't miss that. I won't miss that!"

"Exactly!" he screamed suddenly and walked quickly towards you. He had never been this angry in front of you and it scared you that you were the reason for his anger. His face was inches away from yours and you could feel his quick breath fanning over your lips. "I'm getting married to Soojin but all I can think about is if I should have proposed to you!" he whispered in your face and you could see his eyes watering, very much like you could feel yours do the same. “You know why I proposed so suddenly? Because Mingyu told me he was going to propose to you and I didn’t want to be the only one feeling miserable!”

"J-Jungkook..." you sighed and Jungkook let his tears fall, furrowing his eyebrows in pure anguish, as he nestled his face on your neck, crying silently. He enveloped your body in his arms and you quickly did the same.

"I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I-I'm in love with you and it scares me to death," he sobbed and your grip on him tightened.

"It's alright... I'm right here..."

You two stayed in that same position for a while, until he calmed down and his sobs stopped.

"What do I do now?" he asked, still laying his head on your chest.

"You do whatever makes you happy," you answered and he kissed your neck, and action that, from him, was already usual.

"Hubby! Can we go home?" Soojin opened the balcony's door, chuckling at the new nickname. Jungkook quickly stepped back and wiped the stray tears on his cheeks away. Sensing your stare on him, he sent you a tiny smile.

Soojin caught your gaze from behind Jungkook's shoulder and sent you a smile, which you retributed.

"Yes babe, let's go..." Jungkook answered after a while. He looked at you, the deepest look in his eyes that you had ever seen. He cupped your cheek as you two heard Soojin walking back inside, to say her goodbyes. “I’ll go now.”

“Please, don’t do this. If you don’t want to marry her, you don’t have to.”

“What do you want?”

You didn’t answer, opting to roll your arms tightly around his neck, as he held your waist, bringing your body impossibly closer to his.

“I love you, Jungkook,” you whispered. “, but this is a decision you have to make.”

And he wasn’t ready. He wasn’t ready to break all the promises he had made to Soojin this past three years. He wasn’t ready to admit that all she was was a way to get to you. He wasn’t ready to admit that at some point in his life he had become a worthless and selfish jerk and that his life had been diminished to you. He wasn’t ready to break every single ethical moral and principle that he had been trying to live by all his life. This decision didn’t come to him, and only him. It came to you, to Soojin, to Mingyu and to everyone surrounding the four of you. It wasn’t his right to break his friends’ hearts and he wouldn’t do it. He couldn’t do it.

“I’m sorry.”

And he walked away.

[its5amandimbored]

Part three of my Artemis fowl memes for book 5! Basically I'm rereading the Artemis fowl books and making memes as I go because why not.

you can find all the ones I made for book 1-4 right here they're seperated by book and nicely organized all on one post

All the memes

Previous

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When no one laughs at "I doubt anyone accused Murray gell-mannof kidnapping a quark even though he knowingly carried a billion of then around in his pocket"

"I doubt anyone accused Murray gell-mannof kidnapping a quark even though he knowingly carried a billion of then around in his pocket"

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I don't have a meme for this one I just want to point out that instead of saying "if shit hits the fans" foaly just like went out of his way to avoid saying anything like that and went the unnecessarily complicated route of saying "if the manure hits the air circulator" so different options for that

1. Eoin colfer wanted to avoid saying shit for his books because of a younger audience and couldn't think of literally any other thing to replace it with

2. Foaly really wanted to sound smart and is really extra about it

3. foaly was gonna say "shit hits the fans" and then remembered that artemis, a child, was listening and went out of his way to avoid saying shit in front of the child

All of these are funny to me

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Honestly based on how we've seen foaly just kind of view everything going on like a game or tv show and how done with him holly is I like to think is just like a daily occurrence for the two of them:

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I will say Im still kind of sad minerva never got more time in the series cause I honestly liked her. Also sad we don't delve more into how this all affected Artemis, like seeing everyone died including his best friend right in front of him while he couldn't do anything and her last words were begging him to help her, and also loosing 3 years of his life, like that is so much trauma. Also he just suddenly became a big brother to two toddlers, this boy who never interacted with kids even as a child and had no peers or close relatives was suddenly a big brother to two toddlers, like I'm sorry that must've been so crazy to him. Like I want you to just imagine you come home from school or work or hanging out with a friend one day (remember that for artemis it had only been a few minutes) and your parents go "here's two toddlers, they're you're brother's now :) anyway take care of them while we go off being shitty parents again :)" like it's crazy and such a huge change in his life and it's never really addressed in the books it makes me sad.

Also if I'm being honest I know a lot of people make jokes about how artemis went missing and his parents immidetely had kids, which that REALLY fucked me up as a child when I first read that, it just seemed so bizarre to me but rereading now I honestly don't think they even noticed at first. Like artemis had a reputation of just leaving the country and going on adventures and skipping school and going underground for adventures and shit and they never noticed, they never noticed his absences throughout any of the books. they were very much absentee parents, I mean he had an illness in the 7th book and his parents didn't even notice, butler noticed, holly and foaly noticed after talking to him for like a minute meanwhile his parents are oblivious to the fact. It's kind of sad to think about...

Next

[liibrii]

Chapter 1: Still the same

Ojiro Aran x fem!reader

Synopsis: In Aran's eyes you've always been someone he could lean onto. Before you lost touch after graduating that was. Now that you've found a way back into his life, cracking under the weight of the world, he's determined to be there for you as you were for him. It really is only the question of time before he falls in love with you again but he soon starts to realise he might not know you all that well to begin with...

Genre: hurt/comfort, angst, slow burn, friends to lovers

Warnings: timeskip spoilers, internalised guilt and shame, intrusive thoughts, self doubt, depression, anxiety, swearing, use of alcohol

wc: 3.1k

a/n: if you wanna be tagged lemme know. as always feedback is greatly appreciated!  a big thanks to @rosecaffelatte​ for the help with header and dividers!

“I dig the new look. But why just the beard, why not grow some nice moustache too? You could twirl them during matches. Like some super volleyball villain.“

Aran's coffee goes down the wrong pipe. “Is that how ya see me?” he asks during coughs.

Years later and your laughter still sounds the same. Warmth spreading through him is still the same. It's been a few months since you moved to Tokyo to finish your degree. “Better late than never, right?“ you told him the first time you got coffee together. An unfamiliar bitterness laced your voice then.

“Me? No. But the opponent might.“ You add some sugar to your cup before making a sip. Aran remembers seeing your favourite drink on the menu and wonders why you ordered something else. Maybe you just don't like it anymore. It has been some time since he last saw you.

Almost four years to be exact. Has it really been that long? He remembers the reunion as if it happened yesterday and graduation only a day before.

“We're graduating in a few days so I made you all a little something.“ You pulled neatly wrapped gifts from your bag. “Don't look so suspicious.“Seeing team's faces made you scrunch up your nose. “It's just a framed picture.“

You made one for everyone, even the first years who were merely bench warmers. It's the picture of the entire team taken after you returned from your last nationals. Aran remembers vividly how insistent you were on hanging team banner in the background. 'We don't need memories.' “But I sure do,“ you joked.

There's a hand written message on the back side. A different note for every single member.

“Take that 'Tsumu!“ shouted Osamu back then and pushed his frame under Atsumu's nose, “Look here, 'Don't tell 'Tsumu but yer my favourite twin!'“

Atsumu sneered at his brother: “What're ya talkin' about? 'Tsum-Tsum yer on the way of becomin' the best setter the world has ever known. And don't tell 'Samu but yer my favourite twin!' Take that ya pig!“

Aran laughed with the rest of the team. How typical that you would play twins against each other to create chaos. 'Aran,' his note read, 'don't forget to stretch properly after practice! And please, never sprain your ankle during matches. World doesn't have to know all your socks have holes in them.'

The first time he noticed your absence in his life was only months after graduating. The volleyball club manager who yelled at the cheering squad in front of the entire gymnasium for making a first year cry during a practice match. Fearless.

You were there when he needed someone to lean onto. With a snack and a sports drink, staying late just to make sure he didn't go overboard with practice. A light slap on his shoulders when he was wallowing in self doubt. On the days it got especially bad you pulled a pack of ritz crackers from your secret stash of snacks and bought him a drink on the way home. Sometimes you'd sit on the stone fence by the crossroad where your path home diverged, gossiping for hours about your classmates and teachers. Aran found it so easy to tell you all the trouble weighing on his mind. Be it about school or volleyball, you listened. Even when he knew he was talking nonsense, even when he knew his worries were just unfounded doubts you listened.

“Better to try and fail than to never try at all,“ you once told him.

Aran's lips curved into a small smile. “Where did ya read that? Some ancient philosopher?“

“No, it's a song.“ You pulled out your phone from the pocket and offered him a headphone. “Wanna listen to it?“

It really was no surprise he fell in love with you.

But he never spoke of how his breath caught in his throat, how his heart pounded whenever you were around. How could he when he had always known that look of pure love and adoration in your eyes would never be meant for him?

How could it be when you were so obviously in love with Kita?

No matter how much his heart ached for you he had to admit you and Kita were a match made in heaven. Years later and he still remembers the pictures in your room, you and Kita aged five or so holding hands, bruised knees and dirty cheeks, you and Kita on your first day of elementary school, you and Kita graduating Middle school. You and Kita joining volleyball club together. You and Kita locking pinkies on the way home. You and Kita. Always you and Kita.

He was so jealous back then. It drained so much of his energy trying to prevent the sneering beast from taking over. So much suppressed emotions trying to protect the friendship he to this day holds so dear. But no matter what he did he couldn't prevent his insides clenching every time you took Kita's hand. Well, why did he even expect you'd chose anyone but him? You've known him your entire life. Kita was your best friend from before either of you even knew what that meant. He understood you better than anyone. Why would you ever choose anyone but him?

For years you were happy and for years Aran believed he had moved on. Once in passing Kita even bashfully mentioned marriage. Aran congratulated his friend, even looked at engagement rings with him. That night he cam home and collapsed on the bed dazed from emotions erupting back to the surface. In his lonely, empty apartment he cried his eyes out. Never before had he been so angry at himself. He believed he was over you. And with one single sentence from Kita vines carrying your name sprouted thorns and pierced his heart.

He was a terrible friend, wasn't he? Perhaps this was his punishment for wishing you were in his arms instead. You are happy, right? So why can't that be enough? Even if it's with someone else, if he really loved you then knowing you are happy should be all that matters, right?

You were happy. Until you weren't. Aran was never glad to learn you and Kita broke up. But he wasn't sad either.

“I always thought ya and Shinsuke were gonna be it.“

Warm sunlight dances over your face. You stare out the window, the gaze of your eyes sorrowful. Aran doesn't remember ever seeing you sad. You've always been the happy one, the one capable of lifting others' spirits no matter how bad it was.

You stir your drink. “I thought so too.“ When you lean back your eyes still search for something in the street. “But that's how it goes you know, sooner or later you realise you've been wrong. One way or another.“

You're trying to sound carefree and Aran's heart cracks a little. Why are you trying so hard to conceal the pain? Don't you trust him?

You are still his friend. He's starting to think that maybe... Maybe he isn't yours anymore. He shouldn't have brought up Kita. Idiot.

“Our semi-final match is next week. Ya comin'?“

Before you answer a small voice chimes in. “Uhm, excuse me? Ojiro-san?“ The boy's eyes sparkle with excitement as he asks for an autograph and a picture and Aran's more than happy to oblige. Two other kids show up and then their parents and some of the guests who had been throwing glances at your table for some time. Aran takes his time taking pictures and exchanging pleasantries. Meeting fans is the one aspect of being a renown athlete he likes.

When he turns back at you there's a fond smile on your face. “Remember those times when you thought you had no future in volleyball because you didn't get invited to youth training camp?“ Your voice softens. “Look at you now. Ojiro Aran, outside hitter of Japan's National Team.“

The light trace of pride in your voice makes his face heat up. “I was lucky to have friends who believed in me.“

“True. I better get going, my shift stars in an hour.“ You stand up and collect your things. “Talk to you later!“

What little of time you spent together always seemed to fly past too rapidly. Aran watches through the window as you hurry down the street. His coffee has gotten cold.

His spike wins them the semi-finals. In the eruption of cheering he can't hear your voice but he does see you bouncing on your heels right beside his family. You're wearing his jersey. Not a replica, it's the same jersey he wore the last season. You jumped from happiness when you opened the present. One more for your small collection of former teammates' jerseys.

Aran beams and waves in your direction. If he could he'd run over to hug and spin you around just like he used to do back in high school but he's called away. By the time interviews are over you're long gone. A part of him really hoped you would wait for him. Just like you did back in high school. All there is is a message telling him he was amazing and you're proud of him. His heart swells and for the rest of the day nothing can wipe the wide grin off of his face.

At the after party alcohol runs in rivers. Since there's no practice scheduled for tomorrow his teammates go wild. Aran downs his fifth or sixth shot having lost count a while ago. He's warm and giddy, from the victory, the alcohol, the girl on his lap running her hands up and down his chest. What was her name again? She pulls him to the dance floor, her hair is the same colour as yours and her body feels so nice against his... She looks at him funny when he calls her your name. He gets lost in the blasting music and dim lights, the haze of all the drinks and the arm around his waist.

The sound of the alarm clock might as well be a sack of rocks someone dumped on his head. Even still half asleep the blunt throbbing in his head is becoming unbearable. He wraps himself tighter with the thin blanket. Futon beneath shifts as someone climbs over him.

Or perhaps he's just dreaming.

When the second alarm rings Aran's eyes begrudgingly flutter open. He struggles to pick up the phone trying to hit that snooze button. He rubs the sleep off his eyes. That's not his phone.

The alarm is still ringing. Oh, he's going to have one hell of a headache today. His fingers shake when he finally finds the 'stop' button. For a few moments he lies motionless though the pounding of his heart rings in his ears. Last night is a haze of disconnected voices and pictures. The futon beneath him is too small to be his and he doesn't recognise the pattern of the sheets either. He probably slept with some girl from the party. Better get up and get the awkward 'morning after' conversation over with.

Sitting up he discovers all his clothes are still on. The room doesn't look familiar, yet the smell... There's something homey and intoxicating about it.

Standing up is a feat on its own. He's dizzy from the sleep and the alcohol and has to grab the edge of the desk to steady himself. He closes his eyes and waits for dizziness to pass. In the weak morning sunlight sipping through the window he notices books and pencils strewn all over. There's a framed picture on the window ledge. It takes a moment for him to recognise it.

Last year of high school, the last trip to the beach you made together. Akagi is giving you a piggy-back ride, Omimi holds both of your popsicles with a fond look on his face. Aran stands beside him, carrying the inflatable ring you guys later accidentally popped on a rock, and on the edge of the group is Kita. His face is covered with a post-it note.

Sudden sickness twists his stomach and it's not just too much alcohol to blame. He slides open the door and looks around before walking down a short hallway to the kitchen. You're just packing your bag. “Look who woke up from his beauty sleep. Want some breakfast?“

“Bathroom,“ is all he manages to utter.

“Last door on the right.“

He finds it not a moment too early. How embarrassing, to be throwing up at your place. He feels your hands rub soothing circles on his back as he leans over the toilet. Once his stomach settles down you hand him a glass of water and some headache medicine. His head is spinning. When he finally collects himself enough to stand up on his own you hand him a new toothbrush. “I gotta go in a few minutes. Professor doesn't like us being late.“

“What happened?“ His voice is hoarse.

“You had a drink too much Mr. Lightweight,“ you say with a loop sided grin. “A girl form the party called me in the middle of the night asking for someone to pick you up. It's a good thing she did cause everyone was so drunk they couldn't stand straight. You guys really did take celebrating to a whole new level. I did take you to your place but when we got there your keys were gone. So might want to look into that. Also I'm pretty sure I strained a muscle dragging you up the stairs.“ You glimpse over to the clock on the wall. “Listen, I really have to go. My roommate'll be home all day so you can stay if you want. And when you get hungry just take something from the fridge. You gonna be alright?“

Aran nods. Fuck, even that hurts. “Need to sleep it off,“ he mumbles.

You give him one more pat on the back before you leave. He struggles for a while trying to unscrew the tube of toothpaste. Never before has brushing teeth posed such a challenge. He washes his face with ice cold water that does nothing to improve the headache or his mood.

He collapses back on your futon. So, this is your room then. It's nothing like the one he remembers from back home. The Vabo-chan plushie team gifted you for your birthday lies on the pillow. It still holds the ball Omimi made at the last moment, not that he was the one given this task in the first place. It was meant as a joke yet you brought it with you to Tokyo. Aran snuggles it, noticing how pale and worn out it's becoming. He drifts back to sleep, thinking he should tell the others you still have it. They'll be glad to hear it.

No matter how hard Aran tries to pay you back the money for the taxi ride from the party you refuse. The only payment you're prepared to accept is a trip to the seaside. The moment you see the endless blue water you run closer, discarding your shoes on the beach. Seeing you splash around in the shallow water makes him laugh.

He lays out the blanket and watches over you. It's good seeing the exhaustion on your face being washed away. Even if you didn't complain at all and said nothing he could tell balancing college and work is taking its toll. Despite smiling and appearing as carefree as always you seem tired. Aran is starting to fear you'll break under the weight of whatever it is you refuse to tell him.

He lays back on his bag, basking in the warm sun. Soon he dozes off. Once he wakes up you're laying beside him and scribbling in the margins of an article you have to read for an upcoming lecture. He lets you work and simply enjoys your presence. He missed hanging out with you, even if you don't do anything special he's just glad to have you around.  

As evening falls he draps his jacket on your shoulders. You always loved stealing – not stealing he corrects himself, borrowing- you always loved borrowing jackets and hoodies.

“Hey Aran? Can... Can I tell you something?“ You hide your face beneath the hood of his jacket.  

“'Course ya can.“

“Remember the old maple tree by the crossroad?“

Aran thinks for a moment. “Ya mean the one Suna dared ya to climb and ya fell down from?“

“That one yeah.“ A shadow of a smile flies over your lips at the memory.

“Everyone thought Oomi-sensei would throw ya outta the club. Shouldda seen the second year's faces when they thought we'll lose our precious manager.“

“A few months ago I walked past it. Thought about climbing it.“

“Lemme guess, ya couldn't? College life sucked all the strength from yer arms? Told ya ya should exercise more.“

“I was scared.“ You take a deep breath. “I climbed that tree a thousand times before. And now I'm too scared to even touch the lowest branch.“ You fidget with the hem of his jacket. “It scared me so much you know, not noticing how much I've changed.“

“Ya haven't changed that much.“

You look at him. “Haven't I?“

“No.“ Lies. A part of him knows it's lies. “Yer still the same. Our precious manager.“ He playfully pokes your shoulder. Yeah, you're still the same. You're still the you he remembers. “Yer my friend. Fearless. Always there to kick some sense into me.“ You're still the same girl he fell in love with all those years ago. “Yer one of my best friends. Nothin's gonna change that. Besides-“

“I hated you.“

Seagulls' calls. Waves crashing on the shore. People chatting in the distance. “Well, hate might be a bit too strong...“ You pull your knees to your chest and hug them, your eyes fixed on the waning light on the horizon. “I was so envious of you, you know? Of all of you... You, Akagi, Omiren,... You all knew what you wanted, you going pro, them going to college, and Shin... Even back in school I was the odd one out. I couldn't admit to myself that I envied you. Now I know it was wrong. So fucking childish. But that's how I felt.“ You can't bear to look him in the eye. “Sometimes I still feel like the one who has no idea what to do with her life...“

A lump forms in Aran's throat. He had no idea. Too blinded by your light, too engrossed in his own feelings to notice what was happening underneath your carefree facade.

“Knowing that tell me,“ you glance at him and tears in your eyes glimmer in the last beams of the setting sun, “can really nothing change our friendship?“

Ch. 2: Tattered

[onlydeadcells]

I'm constantly stuck between wanting to take time away from this platform bc I know I am WAYYY too addicted and it brings triggers so many bad emotions within me + wanting to stay bc I'm too scared to 'missing anything' although I doubt my absence would even be noticed. I spend 98% of my time on here from when I wake up til right before I lay my head down to sleep. this is a major result of the extremely isolated, desolate state I've come into over the past four years.

I've lost all contact w any friends I had and haven't had any interaction w anyone in those four years apart from the same ten ppl (all family members). it makes me extremely suicidal, especially bc I know everyone on my snapchat and instagram will be posting all their 'post lockdown catchups" and I've got absolutely no one who wants to see me or bother catching up. it brings the excruciating ache in my chest back again as I realize how truly alone I am, I have no one. and the sad thing is that it is all my own fault.

I let myself give into the depression and the darkness, allowing them to engulf me in their open arms. I let myself believe I could go without help once I got discharged from adult services at eighteen. I let all the repressed emotional pain take over me bc I convinced myself that I didn't care anymore. I guess that's what I get for assuming I'd die before eighteen; being forced to face the reality that I am unfortunately still alive.

this ramble has gone off in a complete tangent but I just feel so fucked, for lack of better words. I'm lonely when I'm on tumblr, I'd be lonelier w/o tumblr. no matter what I'll ultimately end up feeling the painful stabs of my loneliness and emotions. I wish so badly I was dead, truly. I wish I necked it way back when I was first suicidal at the age of seven years old, so I never had to deal with 'growing up' and all this pain inside of me.

no one can save me. yet I can't save myself. so what is there really left for me? nothing. I'm going to shut up now + sign out but god, the pain and aching is heartbreaking tonight.

stay safe all.

onlydeadcells ✨