#I drew this to cope with the fact im 15 now

[highdrivingsarah]

Moving out

I seeall this stuff from my childhood. So many things where I realize, everything I did from my 8yrs old self, was coping.

I had a shitty childhood, but really

With 8 I cut the eyes from old pictures out.

With 9 I drew black over my father in every picture I own of him.

With 10 I wrote in a diary telling it how I hate everyone and everything.

With 12 I got letters from my bullies telling me how worthless I am, I spit in them.

And with 15 I wrote a letter how I will kill myself.

I found this now, cuz I now move out I just realize how bad I actually was. I never fully understood why everyone is so impressed and stunned bymy behavior and casuality about all of this. Until now.

And now I’m sitting here, almost crying, realizing how fucking messed up I was. I am. How fucking good I am at coping and ignoring. How fucking stupid I was thinking I wont get better.

God, I cant fully comprehend the fact that the little girl, destroying her possessions out if anger, trying to kill herself, always mad and angry at the world. The little girl who was insuch a bad spot, was me. Is me idk.

Im still so fucking mad. Still so fucking vulnerable, I never realize how vulnerable, because I well, just keep going, keep living.

Is it a good coping mechanism, stubbornness or just ignorance? Idk all I know is I’ve got better.

My depression and anxiety will never go fully away again. But I’ve got control and freedom.