#I dunno when brain will get spicy again so I just wanna be prepared for if anything happened🤷

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #306

i’m v talkative today so pardon my jabbering below.

What is the strangest type of candy you have eaten? I think I've had one of those lollipops with a bug in it before as a kid? I don't remember. What would be your most ideal profession? A freelance photographer. But I'm honestly starting to lose hope. Have you tried those coloring books for adults? Yeah; it's funny you mention 'em, 'cuz a family friend got me one for my birthday earlier this month. What is a topic you definitely don't want to talk about with anyone? I don't like talking about my sexual history, doesn't matter who you are. It's just uncomfortable. What was your first gaming console? An Atari. Is there something you're eagerly waiting for? What is it? *SLAMS FISTS ON TABLE* MAY NEEDS TO FUCKIN' HURRY. My tattoo appointment is set then. :''') Do you/have you ever belonged to an organization? If so, which one? I was a Girl Scout when I was young. What is something you're very passionate about? Nature conservation, gay rights (equal rights in general, really), the pro-choice movement, and then there are less "important" things like certain hobbies interests and such. I'm sure there are more big ones that are just slipping my mind right now, considering I feel passionately for a shitload of stuff. What are you studying or what was the last thing you studied? I majored in Art & Design with a focus on Photography in college. But guess who dropped out. What was the last present you gave someone? I don't know... I mention enough that I don't have a source of income where I can really buy anything. I think the last thing I did was a Christmas gift for Mom a year or two back of a drawing I did of our late dog Cali, whom she absolutely adored. Do you enjoy plays? If so, what was the latest one you saw? Not really, no. What was the last thing you achieved? PHP has helped me focus on little victories, so prepare for an underwhelming answer haha, but it's something. I Facebook messaged an old friend I really wanted to catch up with, and everyone in group cheered for me. :') It was really heartwarming. What a shocker that this program is really helping me once again. What is something you would like to achieve at some point in your life? I would love love love to take at least one "famous" or award-winning photograph. It'd be such amazing validation that I'm talented at something I love so much. What is one philosophy you have regarding life/living/purpose? That's... difficult to answer seeing as I'm trying desperately to find my purpose. I do try to live by this old quote a therapist said once: "Deal with life, or life deals with you." I think it holds an incredible amount of depth and meaning in such a short phrase. How would you design the inside of your own home? I don't know the details of it, really, besides that shit is gonna look like a Halloween house year-round. I can imagine wanting black furniture, too, and having loooots of decor expressive of what I love and find comfort in. Gotta make a house feel like a home just for me. What is a band you remember liking from your childhood? Backstreet Boys, duh. Do you ever get mad at people for not having the same opinion as you (i.e. abortion being wrong/right, meat-eating being wrong/right)? Two things: it depends on the topic, and "get mad" is the wrong term for what I feel. It's more disgust; ex., I'm repulsed by anti-gay rights people and want absolutely nothing to do with 'em, but I'm not like, mad at them. Do you edit any of your pictures? In what ways? Oh yeah, and it definitely depends on the raw photograph. I edit depending on the mood it emanates; like if you've seen my roadkill photography versus nature shots, there is an extremely distinct difference in editing style and vibe. I'd say in general though, I tend to like to brighten my photographs and add more vibrance. If you like to take pictures, what is your motivation? God, I could write an essay on this. I just love and am so thankful for the fact we can literally freeze time forever with the click of a button and look back on fantastic sights, beautiful moments, memories... It's just magical to me, and I adore contributing to that art. Would you ever consider living anywhere cold? Well yeah, that's my preference, actually. What is your absolute favorite food? The spicy shrimp fritas from Olive Garden, jfc. Would you ever wear snake-skin pants, or other animal clothing? Fuck to the absolute hell no. What foreign country would you like to go to for a shopping spree? Idk, considering I'm not well-versed in the artistic creations of other countries. Perhaps India? Japan? I dunno. If you met your favorite musician, what would you ask him/her? I'm asking for his fucking autograph and a hug while I smile my face in two AND cry lmao. What do you spend most of your day thinking about? I ain't gonna bullshit nobody, my PTSD. In some way or another, he's lurking in that head of mine through memories, flashbacks, wonders of what could have gone differently... but thank God it's no longer in the forefront of my mind after my first PHP. I've come very, very far, but especially when trying to blank out my mind to fall asleep, parts of PTSD strangle my brain until I'm just finally out. I really hope that changes someday. Where is a busy place you would like to go to? Yikes, nowhere, really. I like to avoid busy locations. Do you think video games cause people to become violent? Absolutely not. You are responsible for the decisions you make; music, games, movies, etc. have no deciding voice in stupid shit you do, and it's bullshit that people blame art and entertainment for such things. Vocabulary: What was the last word you learned? I'm unsure. Have you or could you build your own site? Absolutely not from scratch. The closest I've gotten to that is my photography website, but it was through the assistance of Wix. What's the best thing you can cook yourself? Scrambled eggs, haha. I do make some bomb eggs at least. Are there a lot of graffiti around your neighborhood? No. Do you have a hobby that forces you out of the house? If so, what is it? Nature photography. Would you stop eating meat, if you had to raise and slaughter it yourself? Absolutely. God, I want to go vegetarian again... Besides English, what other languages can you speak? I can speak a very little bit of German. Took four semesters of it in high school and became very good at it, but lack of practice has pretty much ruined that. Besides English, what other languages can you read? I can read German well; as in, I can pronounce most words I see, but that doesn't mean I understand what is written. Do you think you could make it as a chef? Gordon Ramsey would deadass kick me off his show on day one, lmao. What's your favorite kind of tea? It marvels me JUST how many tea and coffee questions are in surveys. Anyway, I don't like tea. I am an embarrassment to NC culture. What thing/person/happening has made you the happiest you've been? lask;dfjal;wekrjwe What's the most freeing thing you've ever done? Stealing my happiness back from someone who had no right to hold it all in its entirety. That shit's mine. Do you think today's kids are really impatient? Most, probably, but in some ways I can understand it - at least, in the sense that with the assistance of modern technology and advancements in satiating our wants so quickly, kids just expect it. I definitely believe that patience is something to try to be deeply instilled in everyone, though. I don't have an ounce of it (in most situations) and wish I did. Have you ever tasted birch sap? No. How about the young buds/shoots of spruce trees? No. Which edible flowers have you tasted? One of my favorite Southern experiences is finding a bunch of honeysuckles and tasting the honey (is it technically even honey??). Tastes amazing. My family's hairdresser lives down a beautiful path that sprouts a massive amount of them, and as kids, my sisters and her two boys would go tasting them while our parents talked for so long, or if we were waiting our turn. Good memories. What has been your worst restaurant experience? I'm not sure, really. What's the most immature, adolescent thing that still makes you laugh? "Inappropriate humor type jokes." <<<< They can get me sometimes, too. Have you ever had a life-threatening condition? If so, what was it? No, thankfully. Have you ever had a custom print done on a shirt? If so, what was it? I don't believe so, no. Besides making a tye-dye one in HS with our school colors. Wasn't my idea and never wore it, haha. Do you ever read other people's survey answers? It depends on the person. If it's a friend, absolutely, because I love learning usually obscure things about them I wouldn't have known otherwise. If it's a user I don't know from wherever I got the survey, sometimes, depending on how short the answer is and my eyes kinda just scroll over it. Do you like daytime or night time better? Why? Daytime, especially mornings. I'm generally happier when there's light around. What's your highest level of education so far? Some college. Describe your ordinary day: My average day is embarrassingly uneventful. It's sitting on the laptop doing shit on various sites, none of which are actually important, and playing WoW, which is also without true substance, save for social interactions with my friends on there. I spray Venus' terrarium everyday multiple times as well to keep the humidity up, and obviously eat and handle that kinda bodily needs stuff. Would you ever have a UV tattoo? Ugh, that'd be so dope. I've seen some awesome ones, but idk if I'd get one, considering when am I actually going to be under UV light?? Like I wanna be able to see my tat. What is the brand and color name of your favorite lipstick? I have one black lipstick, but it comes right off so I don't even like it. I only ever put it on to take pictures. What do you like on your tortilla? Just ham and cheese. How about inside your pita bread? I've never had pita bread, actually. What do you like in your burger? It depends on where I'm getting the burger. My basic is cheese, ketchup, mustard, a bit of mayo, pickles, and a light sprinkle of diced onion, but sometimes I add bacon and take away the onions. How about on your pizza? I have three I tend to pick from: pepperoni, jalapeno, or meat lovers. Do you work better alone or in a group? Alone, definitely. Which body part would you not mind losing? I'ma be extremely honest, with just how horribly weak my legs are, I could live without them, I guess. Not saying I want to by any means, it's just exhausting using them. Ideally, I'd take away something minor, like a finger or something. What common saying people use is absolute BS to you? “'Everything happens for a reason.'” <<<< Fuckin' colossal "same." I won't rag on people who believe it, especially if it gives you courage to keep moving forward, but I don't believe it in the slightest. If it were so, I'd like to talk to whoever is in control of those "reasons," please. What is the most interesting thing you’ve read or seen this week? I had no idea elephants were pregnant for two years, like holy shit, can you imagine. It was in an article I saw on Facebook about a mother and daughter elephant who are both expecting and doing well. Wonderful to hear. What’s the most useless talent you have? Ha, I'm a master in the arts of catastrophizing and jumping to conclusions involving people hating me in one way or another. What’s something everyone looks stupid doing? I'm one of those people who hate dabbing done by anybody, like you look like you're just smelling your armpit. Which kids’ movie scarred you for life? I wouldn't say "scarred me for life" by any means, but when I was little, I was terrified of the Wicked Witch from The Wizard of Oz and even had nightmares about her. It sucked because my little sister was obsessed with that movie, haha. In one sentence, how would you sum up the Internet? A source of incredible knowledge but also hate and misinformation. What would be the most ridiculous thing for the government to make illegal? I literally dread the idea of Roe vs. Wade being reversed. Banning abortion would kill so many people with operational uteruses and cause absolute pandemonium. How many friends do you have on social media and how many of them do you know for real? On Facebook, I have 124 friends, and I'd say I know most of them "in real life." However, having been on the Internet since I was so young and befriending loads of incredible people, a good chunk are "online friends." Hell, I'm more interested in their lives than most "real" ones. Long-distance friendships are so valid. What fact amazes you every time you think of it? Lots of things, generally regarding the stupidity of humanity. What’s the most spontaneous thing you’ve ever done? Probably going to the beach w/ my old friend Colleen. We had zero plans of doing it, but she just called me one morning and asked if I wanted to go, and off we went. It was a fun day. What has taken up too much of your life? I'ma be real, WoW. I don't think I'm addicted to it like I once was seeing as I go through spans where I barely want to play it at all and don't, so I truly am capable of not playing it, but rather it's just the most entertaining way to kill time in my life. I just don't like how much time I've invested into a game over six or seven years regardless. Where do you not mind waiting? Uh, nowhere lmao. Is there an app you hate to use, but still use every day? No; why would I use it if that was the case? Who is the funniest person you know? My friend Girt is fucking hysterical. What three words describe you best? Complex, passionate, and creative. What makes you think you’re smart? Lol who says I think I'm smart? Who inspires you? Korean Jesus. Okay on a serious note, not just him, of course, but he's #1 in an entire universe of ways. Do you aspire to be like somebody else? If so, who? No; I want to be my own authentic self. How did you meet your best friend? YouTube, back when it had more social aspects. Which one of your accomplishments are you the most proud of? I want to say my recovery, but like... I wonder a lot if it's "enough" to be proud of with how scarred I still am? I still struggle with a lot and feel like I could be so much better by now if I tried harder. If I'm completely honest with myself, I think it's finishing high school in the top percentile of my graduating class. There was a ceremony for the handful of us and all, and I cherish my plaque probably too much. Reminds me of a time when I knew what the fuck I was doing. What's the strangest thing you ever did as a child? Thinking I had "animal powers" where I could invoke the traits of certain animals at will, like what the actual fuck, Brittany. What did your mother teach you? Christ, a lot. Dad didn't do a lot of the raising, honestly, so much of my core values and whatnot were instilled by my mother. She taught me to care for and be nice to others, respect myself, try my best in everything, and most importantly that she is always there for me and my sisters no matter what and can tell her absolutely anything. She was very serious about us going to college and saving sex for marriage when we were younger, but she diverged from those ideas as absolutely necessary with experience. I'm extremely lucky with who I call my mom, overall. What did your father teach you? Eek... Read above. Not a lot as a kid (save for riding a bike and playing softball); most he's taught me has come following reuniting with him after my parents' divorce. I remember we went to lunch once and talked about my breakup, and he talked to me about sometimes, you just have to let people go in order to be happy, like with him and Mom. He's very serious now about ensuring us girls know that he is always there for us and will help us in any way he's capable. What makes you feel powerful? "Powerful" isn't something I really feel, if I'm being real. What are you ready to let go? It would be inexplicably fantastic if I could let every speck of Jason go in both my head and heart. What is your most bizarre deal-breaker? I don't really find any of my expectations and limits as "bizarre?" They're all valid to me. Well wait, idk if you'd find it strange that I absofuckinglutely would not date someone who hunts, but it's not to me. That's a difference in a very serious value to me. Would you rather be hated or forgotten? Hated. God, I don't want to leave this earth having given just nothing. I can live with some people hating me for whatever reason. What’s the biggest personal change you’ve made? Accepting my bisexuality, probably. That's something that I consider pretty big for two reasons: 1.) I could end up with a woman forever, and especially 2.) I was originally homophobic. I still have difficulty in fathoming how I ever was. What are some of your short-term goals? PHP is finally starting to make me build these again. I want to get better at selfcare, draw, write, and read more, I want to drink a lot more water, exercise way more... Lots of things, really. What is the weirdest thing about you? Uh. I dunno. Probably that I RP meerkats, which is a very obscure RP niche for sure.

[mor-beck-more-problems]

Running Up That Hill || Morgan & Remmy

TIMING: This afternoon

PARTIES: @whatsin-yourhead & @mor-beck-more-problems

SUMMARY: Morgan and Remmy try to catch up and unload their problems. But some problems are too difficult to share.

The world wasn’t so scary anymore, but without the buffer of something taking up space in Remmy’s mind, the sorrow that clung to their heart had crawled its way back in. Heavy on their shoulders, they had walked all the way to Morgan and Deirdre’s-- which wasn’t actually that far from Lydia’s home-- without stopping. Granted, endless energy made the trudge much easier. It also made it easier for their mind to wander. They couldn’t stop thinking about the night they’d spent with Luce-- how warm her skin always felt, how sweet her lips tasted. How gentle she’d been when they’d let her touch them. Their chest filled with a heat just thinking about it, finding themself craving her more now. They couldn’t shake her from their head, even with everything else left to worry about, all they could focus on was Luce. Rubbing their eyes, they came to a stop, realizing they’d made it to Morgan’s place already. Looking around, they straightened themself out before heading up to the door and giving a knock. They hadn’t prepared anything to say, and they weren’t sure they’d be able to say what Morgan asked without that pain swelling in their throat coming out. But when the door opened, and they saw Morgan’s face, it really didn’t matter. They folded her into a tight hug in what seemed like it would have been suddenly, had the conversation last night not gone the way it had. “Sorry,” they mumbled after a moment, but didn’t pull away, “I can’t hug Lydia this tight.”

Morgan leapt straight into Remmy’s arms and clung tight to her heart’s content. Remmy’s arms were small, but they had enough strength to buckle her rib bones, and the little dents they made in her organs were a bittersweet relief because they meant Remmy was here and she didn’t have to hold the world up anymore. Tears eeked out of the corners of her eyes. “Don’t you dare be sorry,” she said, sniffling into their shoulder. “You give the best hugs. The best, okay?” Even when Remmy loosened their hold, she stayed close to them. “You’re looking a little worn out. Don’t tell me this place is kicking your ass too right now. Or if it is, at least tell me it’s something we can scream or punch our way out of?” She pulled them by the hand and collapsed onto the couch with them, curling up into their side.

A smile tried to tug itself onto their face, but only made it halfway there before Remmy felt the weight of everything else pull it down. “Okay,” they agreed quietly, following Morgan inside. It was the same house it always was, but something hung in the air that Remmy couldn’t quite place. It was both lighter and heavier all at once. Maybe even from two different things. They sunk greedily into the soft couch and tucked Morgan’s small frame into them, finding comfort in the small action. The safety they felt in her arms was paralleled only by being with Lydia. “Oh, um....it’s...well...I dunno if it’s a punch out thing, but maybe it can be a talk out thing,” they stuttered through the words. They weren’t sure why they were nervous to tell Morgan-- were they worried she’d be mad at them? Angry? Upset? They didn’t know. “I uh-- I slept with Luce again,” they said quickly. “I-I know it was a bad idea, but I just-- I couldn’t help it.”

Morgan had braced herself for a whole number of possibilities. She wasn’t sure how many more worries she could squeeze onto her plate, but she’d make the space for Remmy--until they confessed what had happened. Morgan couldn’t help but snort. “Oh, honey--” She brushed back the scruffy hair that stuck out from their head. “Remmy--” She shook her head, but there was nothing angry or disappointed in her expression. “She’s that irresistible, huh? How do you feel? How are things going for you two after...that.”

Remmy let out a long puff of air. “I guess,” they muttered, but Morgan was right-- Remmy couldn’t stay away, even if they wanted to. The other night proved that. Huffing, they crossed their arms over their chest. “I don’t know, and I hate it. She says she’s good, but when has Luce ever said that and meant it?” they looked earnestly over at Morgan, before feeling their body droop. “It was my idea, too,” they grumbled, “I feel so-- stupid. I was supposed to have boundaries, be strong, and I just--” they waved their hands in front of them, “the minute I saw her I couldn’t not kiss her.”

“Remmy--” Morgan stretched up to kiss their temple. “You’ve really got it bad, huh? Listen, I don’t have any great advice here, except maybe, you know, try to lay down more of those boundaries. Try. But that’s easier said than done. You may recall the number of times I came here to have some very un-casual casual sex with Deirdre, and the a month or so where I was living here, sharing an un-sexy bed, and making out with her while insisting that we were just friends. And then there’s all the all girls back in Texas I insisted were just for the night and then made the mistake of holding repeat engagements, before I learned better. Point is: I am the reigning queen of terrible sex decisions. Welcome, my dear Remmy, to my queendom. Would you like me to whip you up some nachos or popcorn about it? Because there’s not much to do about this one besides letting it all out with your friends. What’d she say besides that she was ‘good’?”

“She asked me to stay,” Remmy said quietly, looking up at Morgan with big, bashful eyes. Even if it seemed impossible, they couldn’t help but cling to the small hope that Luce cared about them, too. That maybe she even liked them back. “Afterwards. And it was--” they gave a small pause, “--it was the first time I let her touch me, too.” They sat back a little. “I haven’t-- since I woke up dead. Let anyone…” Did it mean something? Or were they reading into it? They needed to know, and they were looking at Morgan as if she were the only one with the answer. They knew it wasn't’ fair, but they couldn’t help it. “Nachos sound nice,” they murmured after a small silence. “I could eat some nachos right now.”

“Oh, honey,” Morgan repeated, dragging out the word. She had been there, was still kind of there even, savoring all of the amazing little treasures of affection Deirdre gave her, from her practiced touches, to her swift, almost mindless kisses, and all the words and smiles she gave. There were less of them now, with everything happening with Regan, but Morgan treasured what she received even more now, knowing Deirdre was working against her despair to be present for her. “That’s a big base to cross. I’m proud of you, however this shakes out, okay? Just give me a sec, okay? I already have some half done for us.” She kissed the top of Remmy’s head and disappeared into the kitchen for a few minutes, assembling everything and pouring hot, diced brains on top. When they were ready, Morgan came back with a big bowl and promptly placed it in their lap before crawling back into their place against them. “Is there more to the story that you wanna share? I’m guessing you did stay over? Was there breakfast, coffee? Goodbye kisses?”

Remmy waited idly while Morgan went to get their nachos. They rubbed their palms along the tops of their pants in a small, nervous manner, sitting up a little straighter when Morgan came back into the room and handed the plate over. They cozied in and let her reattach herself to her side, taking a small bite before answering her question. “Not really. Um-- I think she felt weird making stuff when she knows I don’t eat. It was-- well, not awkward, but also not, like...that,” they said, pushing around some of the nachos with a finger. They looked over at Morgan almost expectantly. “I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I feel like I should just...get over it. Get over her, but I--” they scratched at their jeans, “--I don’t think I want to.” It was hard to explain-- even after all the hurtful things Luce had said, all of the times she’d pushed them away, they’d seen enough of her softness to know there were feelings buried in her somewhere. They could almost feel it. “I know that really doesn’t help with...all the other shit I’m trying to work through, but I just-- I don’t think I’ve ever felt this way about someone before.” They offered the plate to Morgan, before setting it on the table in front of them. “Why are girls so complicated?”

Morgan took a chip and scooped it deep into her brain mix before the bowl went to rest on the table. She chewed thoughtfully, savoring the spicy-tangy taste as she listened to her friend. “I wish I knew why girls and girl stuff was so complicated, Remmy. If we could make caring about one another un-complicated and stick in a bottle, we’d make billions. People-- some of the most incredible people are the most hurt, or the most locked away, or the most angry. I’m sure there’s gotta be some out there that aren’t, but maybe you and I...we just don’t click with them like we do the people we really like. And who even knows how or why we’re drawn to the people we are. I don’t think I’ve known many people who came together perfectly, with no bumps or hold ups, and stayed together. It’s all one big clusterfuck of a mystery. I gotta ask you something though--” She turned her head so she could lock eyes with Remmy. “Do you think you might love her, Remmy?”

Remmy listened intently to Morgan’s mini-speech-- she was really good at that, and they supposed that was why she was an English teacher. But it didn’t change the meaning of her words, or about how right she was. They could only wish for an easy answer. And then, of course, she had to ask the hardest question of them all-- and Remmy knew the answer, but they hadn’t said it outloud yet. They almost didn’t want to. They picked at a spot on their jeans, unable to look Morgan in the eyes, even as she attempted to lock them in. “I-- don’t know. I’m not sure I really...know what romantic love feels like, anymore. Cause I thought I-- I thought I loved him, my last-- I thought that was love, but it wasn’t, and I...well...how can I know?” they chanced a small look over at her, wondering if their face would be flushed had it been able to be. Wondering if this was really the talk they needed to be having when they still felt like their past held a vice grip on them, chaining them to a personhood they no longer had possession of.

“Ooh! This one, I do have an answer for!” Morgan helped herself to another loaded tortilla chip and stuffed it into her mouth. “I don’t know how much you’re going to like it, Remmy, and maybe it sounds cheesy but…” She sighed, holding Remmy’s gaze affectionately. It was so familiar, and so unfair. “When you know, Remmy, you know. I’ve never-- I’d been with people before and I’d had hope for people before, but I’d never been loved this way. And I’d never been in love, except for one sad high school obsession that wasn’t allowed to go anywhere. I knew about as much as you right now...when you know, you know. It’s just...something in us that most of us can understand when it comes. So if you think you do, Remmy, those heart flutters and heart aches, and the catalog of expressions you keep in your head, the thrill of one more minute or one more hour together-- I think it is what you think it is.”

Remmy stayed quiet while Morgan talked, trying to absorb what she was saying and see if that matched how they felt. The truth was, they didn’t really know how they felt-- they just knew that watching Luce suffer made them hurt, and watching her be happy made them happy, and touching her felt like the greatest thing in the world. So-- huh. Maybe Morgan was right. They looked over at her, swallowing. “What if she doesn’t...love me back?” they asked quietly, almost so quiet it could’ve been missed had they not been so close together, and had their mouth not moved to say the words.

Morgan draped an arm around Remmy and tucked them closer together. “If she doesn’t, then Luce is even more of an emotionally stunted idiot than I already think she is. And you may not stop loving her all at once or ever, knowing you, but you’ll have to at least try to get on without her. Find someone who will appreciate the love you have to offer.” Her head fell to rest on Remmy’s shoulder, tired and sad. “But maybe she does. Maybe she just doesn’t know how to say it yet…”

Remmy settled into Morgan and put their head on top of hers when she rest on their shoulder. “Was it hard for you? With Deirdre?” they asked into the silence after a long moment. They weren’t sure why asking that helped, but maybe they just wanted to know this struggle wasn’t theirs alone. “To say it? Did she-- she figured out how to say it. Was that hard?” The world felt heavy and quiet around them, and the nachos were going cold, but Remmy didn’t want to move. Not yet. They wanted something solid, something real. Anyone, or anything. Morgan couldn’t always be their rock, they knew that.

“Well, I met her in January, moved in sometime in March, and even when she asked me to be her girlfriend in April, she immediately had a panic attack and started crying when I said I loved her,” Morgan replied. It wasn’t the best weather forecast for Remmy and Luce if this was some kind of pattern with other women, but it didn’t occur to her to tell Remmy anything other than the truth. “We’ve talked about all that since, and she’s said...she loved me back then. As far back as that stupid week and a half break up, maybe before. She was really scared about it. Some of it was the way she was brought up, a lot of it honestly, but...yeah, it was really hard. But then, after I said it, and then said she didn’t have to right away, that it would just be nice to hear someday, after that it was easy. I mean, you know what a romantic dope she is. I think we say it at least ten times a day.” She shrugged. “Maybe Luce just needs to get over that hump. Or maybe she’s just not the kind of person to say that a lot.” Her mother certainly wasn’t, but Ruth Beck wasn’t a kind of person Morgan wanted Remmy to be getting close to. “I hope if it is hard now, it gets easy later. At least the feelings part. Feelings and talking and being kind should come easy, I think. There’s so much other hard stuff you can’t do anything about, no matter how hard you try, at least the basic things shouldn’t be hard too,” she sighed.

Remmy was quiet again. They weren’t sure what else to say. Everything Morgan said was true and right and the way she talked about Deirdre made even Remmy feel loved. The two of them had something Remmy wasn’t sure they’d ever get, but sometimes, when they thought about Luce, or lying in bed next to Luce, or just sitting in her cabin, it felt like maybe they could get close. Their thoughts turned momentarily to Nadia, and other Nadia, and how Luce had expressed such a similar concern for them as for Remmy, but that wasn’t something they could think about right now. Things were...too complicated there. They needed something to be easy. “Yeah,” they finally replied, letting out a long sigh. “I think she’s just scared.” A beat. “I kinda get that.” They looked down at Morgan. “I’m glad she finally said it to you. You two...deserve that happiness.”

Morgan sniffled and nodded into Remmy’s shoulder. “Me too,” she said, tearing up in spite of herself. “We uh...fuck, we could really use that right now. Just some good fairy tale kiss the girl and everything is magically all better bulshit.” She cried into Remmy’s shoulder, squeezing them as tight as her hands could stand. “Everything’s kind of hard right now,” she said, breathing through her teeth. “And she’s my anchor, and I’m hers, and I know if we have anything at all, it’s each other, but I just wish we didn’t have to fight or hold on so tight in the first place.”

“Is it still….the mushroom stuff?” Remmy asked, hoping they weren’t reopening some recent, painful wound that was going to be difficult to talk about. But maybe Morgan needed to talk about it. They didn’t want to boggart her time by making it all about them, and maybe if they got her to talk about a different subject she’d forget about why Remmy was here in the first place. “Is everything okay with you guys?”

“It’s not the mushrooms,” Morgan mumbled tearfully. “It’s...fuck, it’s secret, awful fae bullshit. It’s destroying Deirdre to do it and I don’t think it’s a good idea to talk about it with anyone. I don’t know if they could accept how brutal it all is, what she has to do, what was done to her when she was, stars, she was just eight. And she tried so hard to look for something else, anything else. She’s tried so hard to accept kindness, to be kind to people, and this thing is--I’m so afraid it’ll take that away from her, and me. And if that wasn’t enough..” She laughed bitterly and wiped her eyes. “You remember Constance? From the day I died?”

Oh. That-- that was a lot to unpack. Remmy didn’t know what to say. Lydia was very secretive about her fae stuff, except for when she’d helped Remmy escape Jax. Other than that, she did not speak of it, and Remmy did not ask. It didn’t seem right to. So secret fae shit sounded heavy. And like something they weren’t willing to push on. “I--I’m sorry,” was all they found they could say. Blinked, though back to that day. To the specter that had sat on the bench next to them, surprised to find that Remmy could see her. “I-- yeah. I remember. W-why?”

“She came to our house. Here. She came here while we were in bed. It was normal and fine and then Deirdre felt something close by and she just--” Morgan shook her head. “She would’ve killed us both if we let her. She would’ve crushed Deirdre’s throat if I hadn’t stopped her. She was solid and awful, and she wants me to die, for good this time, because of whatever bullshit made her crazy enough to curse us all in the first place.” She grimaced through her tears and reached for the bowl of nachos, cradling it to her stomach to have something to hold. “I’m going to end her first. There’s exorcisms that make ghosts hurt, and as soon as I get my hands on the worst of them, she’s mine.”

“She-- what!?” Remmy said, exasperated. They sat up enough to look at Morgan fully, as if expecting to find some sort of damage on her, some tell that they must’ve missed. But zombies healed almost instantaneously, so of course there was nothing. Nothing except the droop in Morgan’s shoulders and the weariness on her face. The unfairness of the situation, of the world, falling on her back. “But-- you’re okay now? Why, why would she do that? I thought the curse ended when you died? When you--” they swallowed, shook their head. “Wait-- exorcism?” Hadn’t Nadia said something about those? “Don’t-- dont those hurt? You want to...make her hurt?”

Morgan wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. “You know, I was a little busy fighting for our lives to hold an interview. But she made it clear that my sticking around after the curse is why she’s so pissed. She said ‘I am your justice and your fate.’ And that I needed to be punished.” She stuffed a handful of nachos into her mouth, but she didn’t have the appetite for it, she was too angry. “Yes, an exorcism. Yes, I want to make her hurt. For what she did to me, to Deirdre, to my mother-- do you realize she’s the reason my mother was such a nightmare in the first place? And her mother? And probably hers before that, a whole fucked up family line, just hurting each other because we couldn’t figure out or get our hands on the one who was actually to blame! It’s such bullshit. If I could still make magic on my own I’d find a way to write something to take her energy and rip it into so many pieces, if I could take it out of the cycle of the universe altogether, even better. But I’ll settle for an exorcism to the pain. I just need to find it, and someone to do it.”

“I-- sorry,” Remmy said at her first words, clicking their jaw shut and listening to the rest of her words. What she was saying, it wasn’t fair. Constance coming after her wasn’t fair, of course it wasn’t, but-- hurting someone? Specifically looking for something to hurt someone else? It didn’t sit right with Remmy. They had to say something. “I-- I know it’s not fair of her to come after you, but-- maybe she’s just confused? O-or hurting, herself? Being a ghost has to be hard. People can’t see or hear you or...a-and I’m not saying it’s an excuse, but-- looking to hurt someone like that, you...I don’t think that’s really a good idea, Morgan,” they said quietly, trying to keep their words fair and even. It wasn’t working well, they could tell by the look on Morgan’s face. And almost seeing your lover killed by a physical ghost probably didn’t help, but wanting to hurt someone just to hurt them? That wasn’t who Morgan was, right? She didn’t lash out like that in anger just for vengeance, did she?

Morgan stared at Remmy and wondered if she had been magic hexed into having another hyper-realistic dream. Surely, this was the moment when the floor folded up and crushed them, or her own mangled body plummeted through the ceiling and landed between them. “Are you completely shitting me right now?” She murmured, edging out of Remmy’s grasp. “Blanche was one thing, but you--you saw her kill me, Remmy. You were there when everything--and all those bullshit ways I almost died!  And to come back just when I have my life together, you want to call trying to murder Deirdre in front of me just ‘not fair’? Geez, I hate to see what would happen if she actually finished the job! What does that get from you, a slap on the ectoplasm?” She looked at Remmy and she stood, eyes pleading with disbelief. “Tell me you are not gonna bail on me when the bitch who ruined my life is back to take what’s left of it. Tell me you haven’t forgotten everything she’s put me through.”

Remmy flinched. That had been the absolute wrong thing to say, but somehow, they didn’t feel bad for saying it. Their whole life they’d been asked to just shut up and take it and they were growing tired of it. Of not saying what was on their mind. And while they wanted to argue again, they felt a heavy weariness inside of them that told them now really wasn’t the time. “Right, no, that’s...I’m not. I’m not going to bail on you, of course not,” they said, holding a hand out to Morgan again. “Just...come back to the couch, okay? I just...let’s just watch something. Today has been...a lot, for both of us.” They looked up at Morgan with soft, pleading eyes. “Please?”

Morgan idled, holding herself against Remmy’s words. “I need this, Remmy,” she murmured. “And I need at least some of my friends to care enough to help me.” Maybe not enough, she thought, just more than some set of hopeless principles. More than whatever fear Constance wanted to put in them. More than whatever squick hang-ups a phrase like “to the pain” they held. She wanted to be more important than that. “I need to be able to trust you with this.” She held their gaze, clocking the unease but unable to decipher which impulse was winning. She still didn’t know for sure when she edged back to the couch. She passed Remmy the remote and mumbled that they could pick what to watch, still searching for a hard answer in their expression. “Everything feels like it wants to fall apart,” she whispered, shifting around, looking for that comfortable spot again. “I just need my best friend. Okay?”

The world had tried so hard to tear Remmy apart-- both emotionally and mentally. It had tried so many times to destroy them. And, perhaps, it had succeeded at times. It had torn apart their life when it had taken their mom from them. It had torn apart their life when they’d been nearly expelled from high school and practically forced into the military. It had torn apart their life when it took their squad mates and friends from them. And it had torn apart their life when they had woken up alone and afraid and forgotten. White Crest was supposed to have been a place where they could start over and build something new. And even it had tried to tear them down. Life was just trying to teach them the same lesson, over and over. And now that they’d finally learned it, they were faced with a friend who wanted them to go back on it. To bend under the overwhelming pressure of deciding if what was right and wrong, if what they believed in, meant more to them than someone’s friendship. Remmy’s shoulders drooped just a little and they clicked on Grey’s Anatomy before settling in next Morgan. All they said to her was, “Okay.”

[sweetcatmintea]

Figgy Pudding

Hello hello! I’m back ;3 Here’s a totally unedited attempt at @alexprompts 1st advent calendar prompt! I hope you enjoy spending the holidays with Xave and his family ^u^ Feedback is appreciated!

Prompt: This Picture Words: 1545 Characters: Xavier, Mary, Mama, Mumsie, and Will 

-----

Once a year, when the days grow short, the nights long, and the world finishes its orbit, there is a wonderful celebration. Some places launch into joyous festival, some choose to sit quietly, reflecting on the year past. This Turn of Frost, like each before it, Xavier drank in the tradition with unmatched enthusiasm. He raced down the stairs to where Mama was shoulders deep in the bottom cupboard of the kitchen. Hopping from paw to paw, he couldn’t stop wiggling.

“Mama, Mama, is it time yet? Can we start? I wanna do the mixing! Can I be the mixing boss Mama?”

“You won’t be doing anything if you don’t put those hamsters back.” She didn’t even look up. How did she know?

“Aw! But Captain and Louie want to help too!” He held his cupped hands closer appeasingly. The fuzzy pair peered over his clawed fingers, as hamsters are wont to do. It wouldn’t be right to leave them out of the celebrations! They’re family too.

Mama sighed, pulling herself and the desired pot out of the cupboard, wiping her halo of tight black curls off her face. It was massive, shoved all the way in the back under the more frequently used utensils.

“That may be the case, but it’s too dangerous for them in the kitchen. Put them back in their tank please, if you want to help.”

Xavier had half a mind to argue, his hamsters were very smart after all, obviously they wouldn’t have accidents like normal hamsters, but Mumsie’s Look as she entered the kitchen kept his mouth shut. He really wanted to help. Louie and Captain wouldn’t mind too much would they? Okay! It was decided. He’ll just tell them about it afterwards. Dashing back to his room, he called over his shoulder, “Don’t start without me! I’m the mixing boss!”

“Please.”

“Please!”

It took less than a moment before he was in the kitchen once more. The Most Important step, as good mixing boss will tell you, is to wash your hands before you start. The secret Most Important step is that you must make sure you don’t touch anything that is not food while you’re cooking or you have to wash your hands again. Although Mary could reach the sink easily, Xavier wasn’t quite (at all) tall enough yet, hopping onto his little wooden step beside her. She paid special attention to her long claws. Xavier wondered if his little nails would get that long one day. Somehow, he doubted they would. He was a fox after all, not a bear.

Bells twinkled along with the radio’s merry hum, filling the house with festive music as the four family members worked together in the cosy kitchen finding and arranging the ingredients prescribed by the generations old cookbook. It was warm, not the room, exactly, but in Xavier’s chest. They sang along with the songs they knew, made up lyrics for the ones they didn’t. He loved when his mums sang together. Mary was very skilled, it was true, but his parents always looked so happy in harmony.

Almost immediately, Xavier spilled a cup of flour all over himself. He sneezed so many times he was certain he must have broken a record. Mary got to work carefully chopping the dates and figs while Mumsie measured the sugar and jam. It was the same jam they’d made when their plum tree had fruited, so Xavier knew it was going to be good. Mama prepared a soaked cheese cloth on the scrap of yet unoccupied bench, then warmed the milk. As requested, he was the mixing boss. When the mixture got too tough too stir, it would have to be mixed by hand and oh how ready he was. But! In the meantime, he’d pay attention to stir it very properly, like a good mixing boss.

“Can I eat some?” Warm spices made his mouth water. It smelled so good. Surely a little bite wouldn’t hurt.

Evidently Mama thought otherwise. “Not yet.” She laughed. “It’s just flour at the moment. It’ll taste pretty bad.”

“No way! It won’t!!” That wasn’t possible.

“You don’t believe your own Mama?” She held a hand over her heart, feigning hurt (so that’s where Will learned it!).

Xavier’s tail thrashed. That wasn’t true! He trusted Mama. “No! I believe you! But, um, I think that maybe you’re not telling the truth ‘cause you just don’t want me to eat it all yet…”

“That just means you don’t believe her!” Mary cut in.

“No!! That’s not true!” He hopped up and down. Not believing and thinking that someone might be fibbing are definitely Not the same! How was he supposed to explain though?

Mumsie took it upon herself to settle it. A fresh teaspoon in hand, she offered a taste to Xavier. “You’re not going to like it but you can try it.”

He was going to prove them wrong! No time for hesitation, he shoved the spoon in his mouth. The culmination of his life’s decisions was supposed to be sweeter than this. Immediate regret.

“Pleh! It’s bad! Why’s -pleh- it so -pleh- spicy bad??” Most ended up on the floor. The stubborn remnants gargled down the sink.  No fair! His family laughed as he scrambled around. It’s not that funny!

Taking pity on her foolish brother, Mary held out a date. “Here, this’ll help.”

“Thanks Mary.” He chomped it down, no questions asked. At least he learned quickly. She was right, it really did take the edge off the flour.

The milk reached the boil and the ingredients were married together in the large mixing bowl. A knock cut through the music, interrupting Xavier’s stirring concentration. His parents shared a knowing look. Why do Adults have secret brain talks anyway? Xavier was pretty sure that was rude.

“Let Mama take over for a second Xave, someone’s at the door.”

“Okay, but don’t forget I’m the mixing boss, okay! Mama can be the mixing first mate. Come on Mary!” He grabbed her hand before she could agree, dragging his sister with him. The knock sounded again.

Adult? Check!

Day time? Check! (Mostly, it wasn’t quite evening.)

Chain on to see who is at the door first? Check!

Xavier cracked the door open, taking a responsible peak at the identity of the newcomer.

“Will!!” He squealed with delight.

Will stood, one hand on his backpack strap, the other hanging casually to his side. Did he have presents in there? “Are you going to let me in or should I go back to my place?”

Mary answered first, “No sales people thanks, we’re good.” Pretending to shut the door.

“No!! Mary, it’s Will, he’s not a sales person!” Xavier wailed. “Let him in!!”

“I dunno, he looks shady to me. I think we should lock him out.”

“Nooooo! Maarryy please!!” All but hanging off her arm, Xavier gave his best puppy dog eyes, quivering his lower lip and drooping his ears low.

Mary sighed dramatically. “Fiiine, I guess we can let him in this one time.” She unlatched the chain, opening it wide for their brother. “Come on in.”

“Thanks Mary, that’s so kind of you.” Will rolled his eyes, poking his tongue at her. She returned the favour. “I was held up at work, did I miss anything?”

“No,” she smiled, “You’re right on time.”

“Come onnnn! Come on come on come on! Mama is going to do all the mixing while you’re talking and she can’t do that because she’s not the mixing boss!” Bouncing from paw to paw again, Xavier tried to pull his siblings into anything faster than a leisurely stroll.

Hugs and kisses exchanged, they crowded around the bowl.

“Time to make a wish! Give the pudding a stir and wish away.” Mama said, mixing her wish in as she spoke. She passed the spoon on.

Mumsie gave a stir, kissing Mama gently on her cheek, her whispered wish in the same breath. Gross! Plus, didn’t she know you’re not supposed to say your wishes or they don’t come true? Mama kissed back, holding Mumsie close to her side.

Will took the spoon next, stirring slowly, dramatically. “Hmm, my wish is that Xave will grow tall.”

“You’re not supposed to say it! Now it won’t come true!!”

“I know.” Mischief twinkled in his brown eyes. “Now you’re gonna be short forever.”

“Hey!! You can’t do that!! I don’t wanna be short, I mean, I’m not short now!” Xavier bounced in his tiny outrage. “Mama, Mumsie, make him undo that! Tell him he can’t make me short forever!”

Mary took the spoon. “I’ll unwish it. I wish that Xavier will Not grow tall. There, now you’ll grow just right, okay?”

Xavier hugged her leg. “Thanks Mary.”

“Besides,” Will pinched Xavier’s ear teasingly, “wishes don’t come true all by themselves. You’ve got to help them and work for it. I’m not going to put any effort into keeping you short so don’t worry so much.”

Sounds fake but okay. Xavier took the spoon, the last to stir. Careful to use his whisper voice, even in his brain, he made his wish. ‘I wish we can be happy together for ever.’ ‘p.s. a bike would also be good.’ ‘p.p.s. thank you wish pudding.’

-----

Tag list

@snobbysnekboi, @inkovert, @kainablue, @i-rove-rock-n-roll, and @goblin-writer