#I feel like I’m being really nitpicky but I also don’t want the misconception to persist but I feel bad for correcting it >~<

[tiny-cloud-of-flowers]

friendly reminder that my self-inserts are not OCs (I know that other people count theirs as such, and that is absolutely fine, but mine do not count as such)

[greenie-teaa]

Stuff I Played in 2023: AI: The Somnium Files - Nirvana Initiaive

God what a mouthful of a title. Just like last time I loved this game. Granted, I agree that it isn’t as good as the first, but I still think it’s very good. I’m gonna sound a little nitpicky and like I don’t like it, but I assure you, I recommend it to anyone wanting a crazy story. Usual spoiler warning, also for the first game.

I’ll just refer to this as Nirvana Initiative. Or NI. Either one. Just like the first game, Nirvana Initiative is a detective game with a mix of sci-fi and supernatural stuff going on. Rather than following Date, this time, you follow Ryuki and a now 18 year old Mizuki. The game takes place both a few months after the first game’s ending and also 6 years later.

While Mizuki and Aiba don’t share the dynamic that Date and Aiba did, it was basically moved and reversed to Ryuki and Tama, his little AI friend. Ryuki’s kind of a dope sometimes, while Tama is cracking sex jokes very often, similar to Date. None of which entertain Ryuki.

This being a sequel (and, again, a Spike Chunsoft title), I was only expecting it to be crazier than last time, and I was more than fed exactly that. While the first game’s supernatural portions were proven to just be misconceptions, this time around, it’s... actually kind of real? Not canonically. Maybe. But I’ll just say the secret ending is not only creepy and wild, but the method of getting to it is really cool - a number unique for every player, which is all I’ll say. Find it yourself!!

This time around, instead of investigating a string of bodies all missing their left eyes, it’s bodies all cut in half at the molecular level, straight down the middle. Like any crazy mystery game, it seems logical at first, but as you progress through the plot, it gets crazier and more confusing - which I love!! I love when these games confuse the absolute shit out of me because it drives me to keep going so I can see it all click together at the end, both in front of me and in my head. It gets that mouth agape reaction out of me when I figure it out that’s kinda hard to find anywhere else. I won’t say too much about the overall plot so I don’t ruin the fun.

The writing - both story and characters - was good. While not as solid as the first game, it was still strong. Save for a couple nitpicks and one major plot hole that is STILL bothering me (which I’ll say at the bottom in italics, don’t read if you don’t wanna), I was really satisfied unravelling all the confusion it forced on me and coming to the realization of little details I never even noticed. Something I specifically liked about the characters was a few of the unnamed characters were brought back and given a little development off screen, even having their names said aloud instead of just in the character info menu. One of them - Amame - was even given the privilege of being a main chracter. Plus Date was there, though as a main character and not the player character, which I always enjoy in games. Having a past protagonist be an NPC always feels cool to me for some reason.

As for the puzzles, just like last time, the Somnium segments get harder as you go on. Tearer and Amame’s (at least the first half) are actually kinda difficult. Tearer’s was probably my favorite, since whenever I have to open a calculator, it always makes me laugh, because like... wow I wasn’t expecting this lemme get the office supplies out so I can progress. Plus escape room type games are just kinda always a fun thing to do.

However, I can’t say the game was 100% polished? Thankfully, it wasn’t more than some text errors and some model clipping. I’m not sure what the point of the little Aiba Tamagotchi was, other than a silly feature, but I wouldn’t say it’s a bad addition. The addition of being able to change Aiba and Tama’s outfits led to them selling a few outfit DLCs, which I just personally think is stupid, especially since the only time you’ll see their customized clothing is after going back through the game, which you’d only do to get all the achievements. Graphically, for some reason, everything seems... dirtier? Duller? Though that isn’t necessarily a bad thing, of course. Moma’s writing I felt was just... bad. They turned him into a complete weirdo for some reason. And of course that plot hole.

Mizuki psyncs with Tearer with the prototype psync machine from the first game. A major plot point, due to the fact the left eye socket of both participants had to be empty, yet Mizuki was able to use it was Aiba in her socket? Not only that, but through Tearer’s entire mask as well? It honestly upset me that much.

All of that said, I did very much thoroughly enjoy the game, its characters, and its insane twists and turns it dragged me through. I played it for 13 hours yesterday just to finish it. I highly recommend it, though not full price. Wait for a sale. I almost hate having to say that.

[nothorses]

Honestly no joke as a trans man I sometimes have weekly/nightly breakdowns thinking about phallo and tonight I’ve sobbed harder than I have in a long while and I just need a place to vent. I’m so fucking jealous of transfem results which look and function amazingly compared to transmasc results. I see trans women with vulvas that are cis passing both in look and functionality all the goddamn time and I have never seen a trans man’s phallo that even looks vaguely realistic, nevermind the function. I just.... not to be overly dramatic but sometimes it actually makes me suicidal thinking about how I’ll never have a penis that remotely looks or functions like how they’re supposed to. I keep refreshing my browser over and over again and check almost daily for any new development in the field and it’s all just a constant stream of radio silence or disappointing results and I’ve just lost all hope of having any remote form of sexual satisfaction. (Also no I’m not getting meta because I’m not shilling out thousands of dollars just for a micro penis that’s useless for pleasuring my male partner. If I wanted a useless micro dick I’d just keep my T-dick.)

So, there are some misconceptions in here.

First: Meta phalluses are not "useless"; the reason so many folks opt for them over phallo is because they do appear more natural, they are more sensitive more quickly, and they get erect on their own. The operation is also less expensive, more minor, and heals quicker, iirc!

Second: Phallo results can also be pretty great! There are a lot of misconceptions around phallo, and a lot of it is because TERFs and radfems have a vested interest in scaremongering about them. The myths are so pervasive that most people who get phallo don't really want to share updates, because sharing updates often means your photos are mocked and ridiculed, and sometimes passed around to scare other people out of getting phallo as well. They hide groups and photo resources behind heavy group security and passwords, and even then they're hard to locate at all.

So the pictures you see of phallo results are usually:

Only the forearm skin healing progress, because that generally isn't censored on popular sharing sites

Only of very recent results, pre-contouring and touchups and early in the healing process, because they were taken by the surgeon at a post-op; and/or

Old and out-of-date procedures, because it's hard for people to get their hands on any photos at all, let alone recent ones- plus people don't know the difference because knowledge is so scarce to begin with.

Part of the problem here is also that everyone buys into these myths; not just TERFs. It's become "common knowledge" that phallo results are Grossy Icky Unconvincing Bad Insufficient Will Make You Hate Yourself. This feeds on the dysphoria of people who actually do want this kind of surgery, convincing everyone that it's pointless, it'll just waste your time/money, you'll only hate yourself more, you just have to live with this body you're miserable in and hate yourself this amount rather than risk making it worse... and on, and on, and on.

So we spread these ideas among each other, too, and now it's even harder to share result updates and pictures from years and years of recovery, from happy people who love their phallo results and are so glad they got it done- because every time they share it, the conversation just becomes demoralizing and nitpicky and dysphoria-inducing for everyone involved, but especially the person who's actual genitals are the subject of such intense scrutiny.

Look, I know bottom dysphoria is hard. It's an expensive fix, you can't be sure you'll be 100% happy with the results, it's a lot of risk vs. reward; and not much information to start with. And it is so, so hard to feel like there's no good solution. It hurts so much, and it's so easy to feel alone. And you aren't alone- a lot of people feel this exact way, and we're here with you.

But please be mindful about how you're talking about real living human beings' genitals. So many people have found that these surgeries are absolutely worth it to them, and have felt they've fixed a lot and helped a lot, and so many people are working so hard to love their bodies- even if those results weren't exactly what they wanted. Their bodies are wonderful, their results deserve celebration, and people deserve the space to be excited about the possibilities, and proud of those results, if they decide those are options they want to pursue!

It might also be worth working on that kind of thinking in yourself, too. Most aspects of transition are flawed; sometimes we fixate on the flaws because dysphoria tells us to, and looking at the positives can help a lot. And sometimes the reality of our transition solves enough of the dysphoria that we find the flaws aren't as big a deal as we though they'd be, too.

[love-takes-work]

Steven Universe Comic #31 (2019) - Outline & Review

The thirty-first installment of the ongoing comic series for Steven Universe is about encouraging Peedee to develop confidence and have fun during a dance contest.

Plot:

Steven and Connie are immediately excited when they see a flier advertising a dance off . . . and they could win free pizza for a year! They've got to enter!

In their enthusiasm, Steven and Connie spread the word about the dance contest to Peedee while he's getting them their fry bits. Steven's seen Peedee dance before and thinks he's got some awesome moves. He encourages Peedee to show up for the dance contest even though Peedee himself seems less than confident in his skills.

Peedee's a little worried that people will laugh at him, but Connie assures him that they will deal with anyone who laughs at him with extreme prejudice. However, Steven and Connie have their own problems; when they count their money, they don't have enough to cover the entry fee, and Steven's wealthy dad is out of town as manager of Sadie's band while they're on the road. They decide to combine their cash AND their bodies and enter as Stevonnie. Decision made, they practice dancing.

Peedee sees Stevonnie dancing and compliments them. He seems distressed, though, and admits to Stevonnie that he worries about his dancing because he's "in his own head" about it, in stark contrast to the carefree way Stevonnie dances. He feels inadequate competing against them, and in a burst of motivation, he asks if they'd mind giving him dance lessons. Stevonnie, flattered, consents.

Peedee still struggles with confidence, while Stevonnie is an unending fountain of positivity about how good he'll do at the dance off. He's still unsure when the dance off begins, and when Stevonnie sees him, they ask him to come out and dance. He's hesitant, and Stevonnie respects if he does not want to dance, but they encourage him and play up what fun it will be. Peedee finds that to be true when he accepts.

Soon they're all having a great time, but Stevonnie becomes conflicted when they realize the judges are focusing on and encouraging them. They want to win, but they want Peedee to win! How can they do both? Luckily, Mr. Smiley appears and provides an out: He wants Stevonnie to emcee instead of participate, because Nanefua lost her voice and their substitute DJ--Onion!--refuses to speak. With some relief at not having to compete against Peedee, they accept the last-minute emcee gig.

Stevonnie amps up the crowd and calls out compliments for all the dancers on the floor. But eventually, a dance off emerges. And who might it be? Jamie vs. Peedee!

The dancing heats up and both dancers are having a blast. The judges select a winner and give the envelope to Stevonnie to read, but a seagull snatches it and they have to pass the announcement back to the judges. Garnet gets up and handles it. They've selected Jamie as the dance contest winner and the recipient of all that pizza.

Stevonnie is concerned that Peedee will be so disappointed, and runs out to console him. But this turns out to be unnecessary . . . because Peedee, despite even his own expectations, really enjoyed the dance contest. He had an excellent time!

Mayor Nanefua comes to comment on the close call (though she can still hardly speak; lost voice you know). Peedee and Stevonnie feel very good about the outcome! And what's more, Nanefua awards Stevonnie a lesser prize of 1 month's free pizza for helping out with the emceeing. Stevonnie offers to split a pizza with Peedee and the comic ends.

Notable:

1. In the very beginning, in the place where Steven discovers the dance off flier, there is also a flier for "Sadie and the Killers," which seems like a corruption of Sadie's actual band name, "Sadie Killer and the Suspects." In the previous comic, #30, Steven also calls the band "Sadie and the Killers" in dialogue, though he also referred to them correctly earlier in that comic. Seems to be a weird misconception somewhere that keeps getting repeated. (Later in this one, Mr. Smiley mentions "Sadie Killer," but not the rest of the band name.)

2. In other news, I'm also very curious about the poor lost iguana being searched for by Ronaldo on another flier. I sure hope Brody's okay! But maybe it's good that the iguana escaped Ronaldo . . . one never knows.

3. When Steven is urging Peedee to enter the dance contest based on having seen him dance before and thinking he's talented, it reminds me a little of when Steven did the same thing to encourage Sadie to sing in Beach-A-Palooza in the TV episode "Sadie's Song."

4. Steven and Connie suddenly own piggy banks that they dramatically bring together to count their money for the entry fee. When it's only enough combined cash to make one entry fee, that inspires Stevonnie's entry instead of separate entries, and the author remembered that Steven's dad is way too rich to not be able to give Steven a $40 entry fee, so they had him conveniently out of town with no way to ask him for money. I do kinda wish they'd just decided to fuse for the contest because they wanted to, or so they wouldn’t have to compete against each other, or to choose to save money, instead of having a setup where they were pushed into that conclusion due to lack of funds with the First National Bank of Dad conveniently out of town. This is nitpicky, but in a comic where several developments occurred due to coincidences and forced circumstances, I would have preferred seeing some agency.

5. Stevonnie's Gem is drawn sort of inconsistently in this comic. It's supposed to be pentagonal but it shows up as hexagonal most of the time. It's strange because the same artist worked on this comic who worked on the previous one and Stevonnie was in that comic too with the correct facet configuration.

6. Peedee has a weird little mini-Frybo that he's carrying around in this comic. He hides his face behind it once while he's embarrassed. What a throwback.

7. Stevonnie encourages Peridot to "get out of the Temple more" at one point. I wonder if that means she's supposed to be still living in Steven's bathroom in this part of the timeline. Comics exist in a weird limbo sometimes.

8. Stevonnie's encouragement for Peedee is all really cute and relatable. All the scenes where they're helping Peedee are so genuinely full of Steveny optimism.

9. Mr. Smiley appearing and begging Stevonnie to emcee is a strange scene because he claims he's been looking for Stevonnie "since the competition started," and yet right before that we see him at the judges' table looking at them and approving with the other judges, in no apparent panic to recruit them as an emcee. I'm just as puzzled that Mr. Smiley couldn't just do it himself instead of acting like he's desperate for Stevonnie's help, considering it was supposed to be Nanefua's job (forfeited due to her lost voice) and she's also a judge so it can't be because he needed to be free for judging. It would've been a nice little gesture if someone on the panel (surely Garnet!) noticed Stevonnie's conflict and suggested this solution, but there was no indication that the problem was fabricated.

10. They call Barb "Mrs. Miller" in this comic--it's unclear in the show whether Barb has a partner, but nothing has indicated that Sadie has another parent in the picture or that her mom is married to anyone. I am not sure if she's actually a Mrs., but so far in canon we just have absence of evidence.

11. Garnet congratulating Jamie and referring to the prize as "more pizza than is usually recommended" and "enjoy your many, many, many pizzas" was hilarious and great writing for Garnet.

12. I love that Peedee enjoyed himself even though he didn't win the dance-off, but I felt a little disappointed that the story elected to take Stevonnie out of the conflict inherent in competing against a friend you're rooting for by throwing an equally appealing escape right in their path in the form of them being NEEDED for another role. It's nice that there was still a conflict that Peedee had to face and work through, but at the same time I kinda would have liked to see Stevonnie resolve the issue without a ready-made exit. And I feel similarly about a seagull snatching the winner-reveal envelope out of their hand so they didn't even have to personally announce that Peedee didn't win. I liked that Stevonnie got to have some free pizza too, though, since Steven and Connie seemed to really want that pizza but didn't care as much about how others felt about their dancing.

13. Man, Peedee enters the contest just wearing his usual tank top that he wears at work. Doesn't that boy have any other clothes?

14. I thought the way the dancing was drawn in this comic had some excellent energy! It really conveyed motion very well and each frame looked like it captured bodies on their way to another position, not just awkwardly posing. I love when art can do that.

[SU Book and Comic Reviews]

[northsideblaine-archive-blog]

You only deserve good things, Blaine Anderson. Even if those good things throw you back in the closet (◕‿◕✿)

[ PRIVATE REACTION ]

[ PUBLIC ANSWER ]

Oh gosh, thank you, new friend! I can’t tell you how much I love and appreciate getting your message. I especially love the little face at the end, it’s so adorable! I hope you know that you also only deserve good things and you deserve the best that this world has to offer. I hope that every moment of your every day is filled with nothing but happiness and love.

And not to be nitpicky or anything because I really do love your message but I must correct you on one small thing, friend. I’m not being pushed back into a closet nor am I being oppressed in any way. To the contrary, I feel more open and free as my sexuality has broadened. I still live my life out loud and proudly, especially this month, as a queer man with the same attractions to men as I’ve had before. 

I’m not sure where this misconception started and it saddens me that people would believe that The Farm would be the kind of place that represses anyone in that ugly way. 

At The Farm, we’re actually very much encouraged to go on journeys of self-discovery and learn more about who we are as people fundamentally. On my journey, I happened to find out that I was putting myself into a tiny little labeled box that was suppressing my growth, rather than nurturing it. So, I’ve decided to break free of it.

And while my attractions to the same sex are still there, my journey has allowed me to finally find the right path that my heart was leading me rather than my... other... parts. Which, don’t misunderstand, I have a great attraction to Marley as well because she is breathtakingly beautiful but my feelings for her greatly surpass simple things like the physical.

So, saying that you believe I’m being shoved back into a closet, that too a great deal of sacrifice and courage to emerge from in the first place, just because the person I love with every fiber of my heart happens to be of the opposite sex, really is insulting to not only her because it frames her out to be something akeen to shackles and chains but it’s also insulting to the very idea of love.

I believe in love above all else. Love will always be the one thing you should count on to be safe. You should always be free to love who you want when you want without having to defend or justify it. 

Marley is my best friend and the love of my life. All of me, loves all of her and I am very lucky to have found her so soon in this lifetime. Even if I didn’t always know it was her, deep down I’m glad my path finally lead me to where I belong. And what her gender happens to be will never matter in that regard.

Also, friend it’s 2019, do you really believe that if I wanted the same sexual experience I could get with a man, that we couldn’t work that detail out?

But I digress and I’m so sorry for the long reply. I hope this doesn’t sound like I’m trying to bait you or argue in anyway because I was really glad to receieve your message. I just want to make sure that we’re on the same page.