#I have 6 more months of grad school though woot woot

[confessionsbycc-blog]

Day 1 - 10.12.2017

“The thing you are most afraid to write. Write that.”

Okay, so here it goes. I’m CC. I’m 24 years old, and I feel like I’m currently going through the absolute most, not the worst, but it’s a lot (for me, and we’ll get to that later). 

For me personally, I have always found that writing out my feelings (I used to journal like crazy) helps me process and deal with things. Since I type faster than I write, and I mean, who doesn’t love a good Tumblr page, I figured I would give this a shot. 

I would say that all of the madness started at the very tail end of 2015, I was in grad school (graduated from that program, woot woot) and working full-time, like almost everyone else. I started dating my amazing boyfriend (yes, I am that girl that loves her boyfriend to pieces, so you will hear about him more often than not most likely) earlier in the year, and we enjoyed working out together. 

I started to notice that even though I was going to the gym at least 3 times a week, eating pretty well, and drinking copious amounts of water, I started gaining weight like crazy. I mean, I gained like 20 pounds over the course of a couple of weeks. So, of course, I’m freaking out… I call my mom in the middle of a breakdown, at the gym (of all places) and she encouraged me to go see my doctor (Mom’s a nurse, fyi - shout out to her). 

That lovely visit, I found out I have a small, little something called Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, or PCOS for short. So, my body isn’t breaking down sugar like its supposed to, my hormones are predominantly all out of whack, and a LOT of other things that I’m not going to get into. When I found out about that, I lost a lot of motivation in regard to me going to the gym (flash-forward almost two years later, and I’m still struggling with that). So this is something that I am consistently dealing with, to put it nicely :). 

Anywho, my Mom is also really, chronically ill. This is something that we’ve been dealing with for the past couple of years. When I first found out, of course, I was crushed, but she’s managing pretty well, in retrospect. 

Last week, I got some news about my dad, that literally ripped me to shreds. I’m not going to say exactly what it is, but just know it is bad (and that is not something that I say lightly). At first, I was mad at the way that I found out about the news, but for like 15 minutes top (hello, he’s more important than the way I found out the information, clearly). So, I’ll be flying out to California, where I was born and raised, at the end of the month to spend some quality time with him. All of this started going down for me last Thursday/Friday. 

Yesterday (Thursday), I found out that my Grandmother also was admitted into the hospital. Can we say whirlwind of emotions (not to mention, crazy hormones, remember..)? I just felt/feel crushed. To put it into perspective this is what I’m currently dealing with: 

Mom- Chronically ill 

Dad - Serious issues which will remain nameless for now 

Grandma - Currently in the hospital 

Cousin - Chronically ill, and also in the hospital 

I’m the type of person (and I’ve been told this by ALL of my friends, therefore, I’m well aware) who tends to take on other people’s problems and keep things bottled up inside (hints the whole blogging thing). With that being said, and referencing everything above, this is a lot for me to take on and to deal with. 

I’m also constantly reminding myself that it can always be worse, and attempting to find a light at the end of the tunnel. Thankfully, I have a great support system, but still… 

Currently reminding myself to pray, ask for help, and remember where my strength comes from. 

“Not by my strength, but HIS.” Zechariah 4:6.