#I have been thinking about 4x13 so fucking much lately

[theladyyavilee]

I know we've talked about this season thematically being a bit of a s4 speed-rerun, but the more I think about it the more it feels so real (I mean it follows similar beats not even just for buddie, with the mid-season jee-birth/wedding parallel for madney and the juxtaposition of giving up nia/taking in mara for henren, and presumably Bobby's arc now having similar beats to the lead up to his and athena's fight at the end of s4 and Bobby in peril, as well as the bathena mud slide and bathena cruise ship parallel 👀😌) and I am just over here like 👀👀

with the way "this doesn't change a thing" felt similarly foreshadowy/famous last words as "the universe doesn't scream" and the way the will reveal invoked the Diaz parents and now we get actual Diaz parents and everything is pointing to Eddie (and/or Chris tbf) in serious peril, I kinda can't help but to expect the ghost of Shannon (in whatever way she appears, be it a lookalike or family member or hallucination/dream/memory) to give an equivalent to "make sure you are following YOUR heart, not christopher's" and I am sooooo 👀👀👀 over that possibility

(also man I keep coming back to remembering convos about the shooting scene and how hard it'll be to top that scene, but if any show could do it it'd be 911, and like buck in the room and the lightning strike and the kinkley kiss came close in feeling monumental as scenes, but had not quite this same feeling of every single frame and choice being a masterpiece and so full of intention, but they haven't done a scene quite like it since and now I can fucking TASTE the fucking potential for a scene that will be an equivalent and will top the shooting scene and IT IS SERIOUSLY HAUNTING MY EVERY WAKING THOUGHT)

[somebodycall911onabc]

Some post-4x13 Buddie because ummmm no to everything that just went down and whatever the hell they're doing with that promo. Pre-relationship Eddie introspection, guest-starring sleepy Buck and Chris (how often can I have these two idiots—Buck and Eddie, not Chris—wake each other up too goddamn early in the morning; the answer is infinite).

Eddie wakes up.

The world is a quiet, washed-out hum of static and dim light. He listens to his breath, in and out, in and out, as the room comes into focus. The rhythmic beeping monitor. The rough sheets over his chest. The hollowed-out numb of his shoulder where—

fuck. Where he’d been shot.

Eddie blinks open his eyes and grimaces. He’s probably doped to hell but his shoulder aches like forest fire, like a pain that will consume him and the whole world too, if he lets it. His head feels like someone pumped it full of air right up until the point before it bursts. He grits his teeth and gathers saliva on his tongue, carefully distributes it so that when he swallows, it will feel less like he’s ingesting a quart of sand. He knows this song and dance. He wiggles his fingers and toes and notes that remarkably, everything’s in working order. He wonders how often you can cheat death before that karma comes to get you.

Although he thinks Buck would probably go to bat for him, even against death himself. The heart monitor spikes as Eddie remembers with a vicious and cruel clarity Buck’s eyes on his as Eddie shuddered and collapsed. Buck’s wide, deer-in-headlights eyes, all that Eddie could see, just two pinprick pupils until there was nothing else, just the black, blank darkness.

Eddie tips his head to the side and opens his eyes, unclenching his fists, and nearly reels back when he sees Ana. She’s crumpled in the seat beside him, her chin resting on her collarbone, her long, dark eyelashes twitching against her cheek as she sleeps.

He closes his eyes and turns his head away.

But Ana’s a light sleeper. She was already waking up when he looked at her, roused from the shallow depths of unconsciousness by the change in Eddie’s breathing pattern, or something. His eyes are still closed when she croaks out, “Eddie?”

He looks at her.

“Eddie!” She says, raising her hands to flutter them over his chest, his face, his un-wounded shoulder. “You’re awake! You’re alive! Thank God,” she says, fervent. Like a prayer.

“Guess I’m just… lucky,” Eddie wheezes out. She smiles at him, eyes watering, and he gave the PG-version of his Silver Star story in her classroom but there’s no hint of recognition in her eyes.

“Either the luckiest man alive, or the unluckiest,” she says. “I’m pretty sure a lucky man wouldn’t be shot at quite so much.” She presses a kiss to his temple and Eddie has the horrible impulse to bat her away from him like she’s an overbearing aunt.

God, he’s an idiot. And it would take getting shot for him to realize it.

“What… happened?” Eddie asks, relieved when she leans back and settles into her chair.

“I’m not sure… I heard there was a sniper on the scene. The police think he might be targeting first responders, because how could this year get any worse?” When she shakes her head, her curls bounce in a way Eddie found appealing, once. It feels like a million years ago.

“Chris?” He asks, heart racing once more. She glances at the monitor and then back to him, offering a reassuring smile that does little to soothe his nerves.

“He’s OK. Buck’s with him.” Those three words calm Eddie instantly, like someone turning off an electric kettle, the worry bubbling up inside him simmering to a still. Because it means Chris is OK, and so is Buck. “I’m really grateful to Buck,” Ana is saying, taking his hand in hers, drawing his attention back to her. “It means I get to be here, with you.” She smiles at him like he’s fragile.

Wrong.

Eddie looks at her and doesn’t know how to tell her. How to tell her that the right thing would be for her to be at Chris’s side. That Chris always came first. Chris was the first and only priority. Chris was Eddie’s heart, raw and exposed, just like Bobby had said.

He looks at her and thinks about Chris’s smile, how he lights up the minute Ana walks in the room. He thinks about Chris confessing to him, quiet and anxious, that he’d asked Santa to find Mommy. He thinks about his parents telling him that the proper thing to do was to marry the girl carrying his child, even if he wasn’t sure he loved her.

Chris has been and will always be the most important thing in Eddie’s life. But Eddie’s starting to realize that even with a Northstar as good and perfect as Chris, Eddie didn’t always make the best choices. For himself, for Chris, or for their family.

“Can you call Buck, for me?” Eddie asks, brushing his thumb over Ana’s delicate knuckles. “If it’s not too late. I want to see my boys.”

She hastily bends down to pick up her purse and fumble her phone out, tell him it was fine, Buck had wanted her to call him as soon as Eddie woke up, anyway. He catches a glimpse of a “5” as she unlocks the phone and opens her contact list.

In the early morning, hospital quiet, Eddie can hear the phone ring on the other end of the line. Once, twice. Click.

“Hello?’ Buck asks, voice scratchy with sleep.

“Let me talk to him,” Eddie says, before Ana can get a word in. She hesitates, opens her mouth, but he holds her gaze until she extends the phone to him. Eddie’s hand is steady when he takes it from her.

“Hey,” Eddie says. Buck’s bleary-eyed, curls smashed to one side of his head, half his face obscured by a dark shape.

“Eddie,” Buck says, a ragged, relieved sound. He shifts, and Eddie hears him say, “Chris, Chris wake up, it’s your dad, Chris, he’s OK!”

And then there’s another face, pressing too close to the camera, so that Eddie mostly sees a nostril and some chin.

“Daddy!” Chris whoops, and Eddie smiles, and Buck pulls Chris back from the phone screen so Eddie can see him.

“Hey there, buddy,” Eddie says, “sorry I scared you.”

“W-wasn’t scared,” Chris insists, blinking rapidly because without his glasses, the world was mostly a multi-colored smudge. “I had Buck.”

Buck—who settles Chris’s glasses over his face with heartbreaking tenderness. Buck—who wraps an arm around Chris and scoots them back against the headboard so they can both see Eddie. Buck—who had clearly been sleeping in Chris’s bed, keeping him safe while Eddie was getting several pints of blood pumped into his body and shrapnel extricated from his shoulder.

“That’s good,” Eddie says. “Really good.”

“We knew you’d be OK,” Buck says. “Right, Superman?”

“Yeah. ‘Cause of your lucky charm.”

Eddie has to close his eyes against that. Chris is still so young, still Disney-innocent and honey-sweet, and Buck knew exactly what to say to calm Chris down. He knew Chris’s favorite bedtime story and the playlist Eddie made for him to help Chris fall asleep.

“That’s right,” Eddie chokes out. “My St. Christopher medal.”

“No.” Eddie blinks at that, at the stubborn line of Chris’s mouth. “Me. And Buck.”

Buck looks just about as surprised as Eddie feels.

“What?” Eddie asks.

“What?” Buck asks.

“What?” Chris asks, confused at their confusion. He addresses Buck. “Daddy said that I was his good l-l-luck charm. Because he loves me. A-and he loves you, so you’re his good luck charm too.”

Eddie isn’t sure if his kid is perceptive or just putting together ideas in the way only kids can. But it doesn’t really matter, because he isn’t wrong.

“Got me there,” Eddie agrees. “I must be pretty lucky, since I’ve got the both of you watching my back.”

Buck’s smiling a pleased, sunshine grin. The room is too dark and the connection is too poor, but Eddie would bet money that Buck’s blushing.

Eddie very deliberately doesn’t look at Ana.

“We’ll come visit as soon as the hospital opens,” Buck promises. “It’s good you called, because we should probably get going.”

To his right, Chris gives a huge yawn.

“You sure? I’m not going anywhere.”

“You think we’re gonna be able to sleep now that you’re awake? No way.”

“No way!’ Chris agrees.

“We’ll be there in fifteen. Twenty. Ten?” Buck looks down at Chris.

“Five!” Chris shouts. “The f-firetruck could make it in five minutes!”

“But we only have Buck’s jeep,” Buck says, pouting at Chris. “Definitely not a firetruck.”

“Fifteen,” Chris amends.

“OK,” Eddie says with a laugh that barely hurts. “I’ll see you soon. Thanks, Buck.”

“For what?” Buck asks, ruffling Chris’s hair with the hand that had been draped over Chris’s shoulders. “Be there soon.”

The call disconnects with the finality of a book snapping shut. He squares his shoulders (as much as he can while lying in an inclined hospital bed with a bullet injury) and turns his head to face Ana.

Her eyes are narrowed and hard, like ice over a troubled stream.

“So,” she says, slow and calm, “Buck?”

“Yeah” Eddie says. It’s all he can say. He can’t tell her how to be what he needs, what Chris needs. He can’t tell her to put Chris first like a reflex, like an instinct.

He doesn’t blame her. He isn’t mad at her. He isn’t even disappointed. He’s as shocked as anyone that he met someone who understood, immediately and profoundly, that Chris was Eddie’s world. Eddie had never counted on someone like Buck. And it was time he stopped running from that and accepted it for the undeserved, unparallelled gift that it was.

“I’m sorry,” he adds.

“Me too.” Ana takes her phone back with a snap of her wrist and drops it in her purse. “I’m going to go home.”

“Yeah,” Eddie says, feeling a little guilty. He knows what it’s like to feel left behind, waking up with nothing but a note and the realization that you could never be good enough.

Ana gets to her feet and smooths the wrinkles of her blouse, and for a moment she reminds him so much of Shannon that he’s dizzy. The straight back, the self-posession, the tumble of curls swept over her shoulder.

He hopes Ana finds a love worthy of her, someone who will treasure her and believe her when she says, “sometimes our limitations let us know who we are.”

Because Eddie looked at the world like a challenge. He threw himself into it like the world might burn up tomorrow, but he would fight to the last breath anyway. He peeled away honorable discharge and may experience lifelong mobility dilemmas and we know what’s best for him and don’t you know how hard it is to be a single father like strips of old paint.

And Buck was the same way. Buck was I had to do it and didn’t you know Jim Abbot played baseball with only one hand and I’m in. You wanted us to bond, Cap. We might end up real close.

Eddie watches Ana leave, her heels clicking sharp against the tiled floor. At the door, she turns her head.

“I am glad you’re OK, Edmundo.”

“Thank you.”

And then she’s gone.

And then Eddie waits, anticipation mounting, for his boys to bring him home.

[ginjointsintheworld]

It’s been disappointing but unsurprising to see so Leyla get so much shit from the general audience and the fandom. The writing has been up and down but I’ve seen so many people acting like Leyla not ‘forgiving’ Lauren and taking her back already is selfish and hypocritical instead of a normal response to having her trust broken. She literally asked Lauren point blank if she had a hand in her employment and Lauren lied. For months. That’s a lot to get over and yeah I think the show wasted some time and the story since their breakup has been meh but still, the main facts remain. I don’t even like the deportation SL and wish they’d done anything else but I get where they’re going with it in terms of rebuilding their relationship, the whole point is to get Leyla and Lauren to a good place and eventually together. I wish people would criticize the writing and plots instead of being lowkey racist and dragging a character(and actor, it’s getting weird)for not doing exactly what they want. I knew a lot of ‘fans’ cared for Leyla only as long as she made Lauren happy but I still hate it. If anything, people should be annoyed that Leyla doesn’t get as much backstory or that she doesn’t get to be as badass as she could be or that we don’t see things from her pov enough.

on the one hand, i understand that we haven't gotten monologues from leyla's perspective about how she feels lately post loan situation. but on the other hand she has had opportunities to express how she felt about events that went down in 4x10+ with moments of insight into her mindset in 4x13, 4x14 and their conversation in the OR viewing room in 4x17. so it's not like we've been completely shut out and that's the frustrating part about people acting like we have and being surprised by her actions. could it be more bluntly expressed to the audience? of course but i don't think it's on the writers to have to spoon feed viewers everything.

like you said, what lauren did was a massive betrayal of her trust and with someone as prideful as leyla, that wasn't something that was going to be forgiven overnight. but we have seen progress and her softening up towards lauren from radio silence in the beginning of 4b to now. i agree, criticize the writing, that's totally fair but when people start throwing around words like leyla being hypocritical and ungrateful, they start to sound like they want lauren to be hailed as her savior and that should not be what we're aiming for bros. hell lauren definitely doesn't want that. it's always been kinda funny to me that in every ship that are instances of shippers who clearly favor one character in the ship over the other but i guess that's the distinction from a ship and an OTP.

that being said it's NEVER okay to attack an actor for things their fictional character does on a show and if people are doing that then fuck them.

[theonceoverthinker]

OUAT Rewatch 4X13 - Unforgiven

Will this be the QUEEN-tesentail episode of the series or not?

Shut up! That was funny!

In any event, you can find my thoughts below the cut!

Main Takeaways

Past

I feel like this episode should’ve had more featured about bad things that the Queens of Darkness, namely Ursula and Cruella have done in the past. Snow and David are about as untrusting of them as they ever were to Regina (Snow literally says “they’re almost worse than Regina”), but the audience, even upon seeing this episode for the second time, don’t have a ton of context because so few of their misdeeds are depicted. While one can assume that more was known about Maleficent from her conflicts with Briar Rose and Aurora, Cruella (Whose misdeeds were done mostly in another realm) and Ursula don’t have that benefit. Even within the confines of this episode, it’s Maleficent who kills the guards and while our other queens agree with the decision, they play no direct part in it. It’s just “ooh badness -- how evil!” I feel like even a reference to past deeds would’ve done so much (Ex. “You destroyed the docks.” or “You had a set of beavers tear apart their dam and flood a town.”). This by no means destroys the flashback in my eyes, but it does fail when later episodes don’t provide a ton of villainy (Or any in Ursula’s case) to either woman.

“No.” Never has a singular word pissed me off so much. This singular word said to Maleficent as she begs to work together as mothers is DISGUSTING. Snow places her piety above her child as well as Mal’s and it is ABHORRENT. Jeez, even before the reveal of what happened, Snow was already coming off as so vile from this moment.

Present

It’s very interesting rewatching this episode with the full knowledge of what Snow and David did to Maleficent. It’s frustrating because Snow tries to stop Mal’s first reaction to seeing them, but because of the need for a twist in this episode, she’s not able to give her an actual apology like I’m pretty sure Snow would have under other circumstances.

”They remind of a time in my life I’d rather forget, time when I was a true villain.” I LOVE this line. I think a line like this is one of Regina’s best in regards to a reflection on her own past. She’s not falsely playing a victim, but shows that she wants to forget this time in her life because it was a time period where she did horrible things. This is a self aware Regina, not pitying herself but still trying to move on. It’s sympathetic enough as a line while not ignoring how bad Regina was. It doesn’t blame anyone for remembering these things -- Regina’s angry at being embarrassed in front of Henry.

I liked Emma and Killian’s conflict in this episode. Like with the Regina line that I mentioned earlier, it’s a good reflection on Killian’s shame over his past villainy and shows a large amount of self awareness. Killian is definitely framed as in the wrong for lying -- as he should -- and the conversations throughout this episode effectively show facets of his and Emma’s characters. Killian is someone who despite his quips and praise over his appearance and abilities does experience self loathing and Emma understands this and wants to help, provided he be honest with her. She doesn’t need the whole truth per-se, accepting his desire for the matter to stay private, but wants him to at least be truthful about that desire and not hide behind denial. And once he apologizes and tells her basically that, she’s supportive of him and assures him. I will say that I wish that at least some suggestion from Emma that Killian confront how he wronged Ursula with her was thrown out in the conversation (Ex. “And you can come back from it”), but it does make Killian’s decision to do it on his own a few episodes later much stronger for his character.

I find it interesting how Snow and David’s lie about their change in morality ends up having a positive effect for Emma. I don’t think it undercuts the truth of the moral, as it does accurately fit Emma and Killian’s dynamic at its conclusion in this episode (And that theme resonates especially well with Emma), but it is weird how it originates from a lie. That having been said, within the confines of the lie, to give no consequences at all to people who stole from a store is kind of...well, dumb, but given that it’s Storybrooke and there are bigger matters to worry about, it’s fine.

“Because they’re villains and we’re heroes.” While I HATED the interpretation of Snow’s possession in “Bleeding Through,” I did like how it was clear about how this black-and-white morality between heroes and villains was utter BS. Because of that, I find it really annoying to see this line. While I know that it’s a lie, the fact that it goes straight-up believed and unchallenged by Emma and Killian (Especially Killian, the more I think about it) makes it feel like no one learned that. And I know it’s a theme of the series, but by now, the lessons been learned a few times over so a line like that going unchallenged is really out of place.

Stream of Consciousness

-Wow! Neal sleeps in the kitchen! These guys REALLY need more space!

-Awww! I love how David is sitting on the steps right by Neal so he can simultaneously protect Emma!

-”Hello, mum.” This is Will Scarlet’s best line. Granny is everyone’s mum!

-Day-um, son! Regina’s getting one hell of a brag up (Because for them, it’s not a takedown) from Cruella and Ursula! XD

-”Chocolate frosted donuts.” I feel like if Regina wasn’t about to deal with the two Queens, she’d be lecturing Henry about not eating like crap. XD

-”I’ve been dying for a grilled cheese all day.” I appreciate that Emma has a legit appetite, especially for someone who runs around town all day!

-I love how word travels so fucking quickly in Storybrooke. What must their text chains look like?! XD

-So, you have to wonder where Mal went while she was “dead.” Thoughts? If she was in the Underworld, i bet Hades pitched a fit so big that Liam was roasting marshmallows from his bar when it happened.

-”You’re getting crumbs all over the book.” Not to be a nitpicker, but a donut with that consistency would not have crumbs! XD

-”If only your wits matched your looks.” Looks like James/Cruella had a bit of foreshadowing! XD

-Cruella’s remarks still crack me up!

-Wait, the station has security footage from Gold’s? Like, I like that that exists because it’s GOLD, but it’s just surprising is all! When was this installed?

-You guys really think two villains will just leave town with your secret after being screwed over and not reveal that secret out of pure spite?! I would PAY to see an alternate cut of this scene with Regina there to point that out with a sassy one-liner.

-I have to wonder what would’ve happened had Snow and David admitted their lie to Emma earlier. Thoughts?

-Can you imagine the Queens of Darkness sleeping in those crazy costumes?! XD

-I really like the set of the Tree of Knowledge and wish we saw it again! It’s really cool!

-Ummmm, Snow, David, shouldn’t you be concerned with why Mal’s ashes are in a convenient little pile?

-Damn, Marco’s got jokes! XD

-”I’d say she’s moved on.” I LOVE how the villains, despite working together, are still underhanded in shit like this! XD

-”You’re positively radiant, my dear.” Was I the only one thinking that Snow was wondering if Mal was hitting on her? XD

-Damn, even finding out about her pregnancy sucked for Snow! I feel really bad for her!

-Mal, if you want to torture Snow and David, why wouldn’t you reveal their secret before they have the chance to? That way, their family and the town at large would trust them less, isolating them and making your further revenge easier.

-Snow and David are so freakin’ awkward! XD

-Robert Carlyle’s acting as he sees Belle and Will Scarlet kiss was fantastic! Look at how he looks like he’s about to cry and how he basically crawls into the darkness because of how torn up he is. That is AMAZING!

-Mal rattling her little rattle breaks my fucking heart!

Favorite Dynamic

Regina and Marco. This really comes down to a singular, effective line: “After ruining everyone else’s happy ending, what makes you think you deserve one of your own?” I am so happy this line and the ensuing conversation was put in. One aspect of Regina’s redemption that I take issue with is that Regina’s smaller victims are often denied a chance to voice their oppositions to said redemption. While Snow and David do get chances to voice their frustrations, smaller victims like Leroy, Granny, Ruby, and Marco don’t get that chance beyond the occasional quip. Because of that, a moment like this really means something. And I like that while the camera pans to show Regina’s reaction to this, it doesn’t linger on her, showing that this isn’t a sympathetic moment for Regina. I also found Regina’s apology to be pretty decent. While I wish it had less excuses within it and Marco was a little too easy to forgive, it did feel authentic to Regina’s character as well as genuine.

Writer

Andrew Chambliss and Kalinda Vazquez are large and in charge today! I don’t have a ton to say. Apart from a few issues that I mentioned above, I feel like they did a decent job here. The story just needed a… ONCE OVER (AND OMG I’M THE ONCE OVER THINKER! I THINK ON WHAT THEY SHOULD’VE DONE A ONCE OVER ON! XD )! The stories are appropriately framed, tell themselves well enough, and setup the future conflicts decently.

Rating

8/10.

-----

Sorry for how late this one came out, but thank you for reading!!!

Shoutouts also to @watchingfairytales and @daensarah! See you all next time!

Season 4 Total (113/230)

Writer Scores: Adam and Eddy: (34/60) Jane Espenson: (20/40) David Goodman and Jerome Schwartz: (30/50) Andrew Chambliss: (22/50) Dana Horgan: (6/30) Kalinda Vazquez: (22/40) Scott Nimerfro: (14/30) Tze Chun (8/20)

Operation Rewatch Archives

[themostrandomfandom]

To bounce off that other ask - Do you think Santana ever thought Dani and herself would be “endgame”? Did Brittany ever think Dani and Santana were endgame? Was she worried the way Santana was about not ending up together?

Hey, @like-rain-and-phones!

So the short answers to your questions are:

Nope.

Nope.

Nope.

Much longer answers are under the cut.

_____

Here’s the deal:

Santana never loves Dani, and she knows as much.

For one thing, within the universe of the show, Santana and Dani are only together for about one month in total, from late April to late May 2013, so they barely have time to even start to really get to know each other, let alone develop the kind of deep, connective bond that might lead Santana to believe they could eventually be endgame.

Thank you, Glee’s fucked up later seasons timeline.

Santana has a “slow to warm up” temperament, which means that even with a girl she likes, it takes her a long time to get to know them and feel comfortable enough to fully be herself in their presence. 

I mean, look at how she is around the glee kids. Not until midway through S1 will she even admit that she enjoys spending time with them. Then it takes her until S3 before she gets to the point where she starts showing them who she really is, allowing her carefully crafted public persona to slip away. Only in S4 does she begin to actively try to befriend them. Even then, she still has a hard time opening up and disclosing intimate details of her life and personal feelings to them. Her coming around to them is incredibly gradual, an incremental process.

She fears rejection so much that she is really, really slow to trust. People have to show her that they’re going to be careful with her “special things” in order for her to feel comfortable enough with them to disclose and form an intimate bond.

She and Dani just never get to that point. They don’t have enough time. They’re still testing the waters, with Santana trying to decide whether or not Dani is trustworthy.

Ultimately, Dani proves that she isn’t, at least as far as Santana is concerned, but more on that matter in a minute.

One of the biggest things Santana looks for in a partner is trustworthiness and support. She needs someone who makes her feel secure and who she knows has her back. It’s not that said partner has to agree with her all the time, but they do have to understand what is important to her. Unless she has that secure bond, she’s not going to consider being with a girl in the long run.

So even though Santana does very much like Dani to start out with, Santana never really reaches a place with Dani where she’s saying, “I feel like I could spend the rest of my life with this woman.” Their relationship doesn’t run that deep yet. 

For another thing, Santana is still in love with Brittany the whole time she’s dating Dani, and the fact is that Baby Girl is just about as emotionally monogamous as they come. 

Despite her reputation for getting around and even given how many sexual partners she has over the course of the series, Santana never truly moves on from Brittany no matter where they are in terms of their relationship status. As Santana says herself in her proposal to Brittany in S6, no matter how many times she tries to set their bond aside or walk away from it, she ultimately never once in six years wants “to live [her] life without [her] one true love.” Her heart is set no matter what.

Her quickness to get back together with Brittany in S5 proves her continued devotion to Brittany even after their breakup (see episodes 5x12 and 5x13).

If Dani had ever really been a serious contender for Santana’s heart in the long-term, then it probably would have taken more than a speech and a kiss from Brittany to win Santana away from her.

The fact is that Dani is always just kind of a placeholder for Brittany—someone that Santana is biding her time with while she waits for the universe to place her and Brittany back into each other’s lives.

Now, that’s not to say that Santana ever makes a conscious decision to use Dani or anything along those lines.

It’s just that, as discussed in the original ask, after Brittana break up, Santana can’t be 100% sure that she and Brittany will ever get back together, even though she wants them to more than anything in the world. Brittany has given her some reassurances that when the time is right, they’ll find each other again (see episodes 4x13 and 4x22), but it’s been months since they’ve even seen each other and even longer since they were last dating, and Brittany is currently at MIT and Santana is still in NYC, and there are no clear and direct paths that Santana can see that will lead them back to each other. It’s all just a matter of chance, and a really big chance at that.

Ever since the events of episode 4x13, Brittany has been telling Santana that it is okay for her to just live life as it comes and try to find happiness where she can in the moment rather than holding her breath, waiting for her ship to come in.

That’s what Brittany herself does in dating Sam. 

It’s just that Santana has never been as easygoing as Brittany. Trusting that everything will end up the way it’s supposed to in the end requires more faith in the universe than she possesses. If she were to give in and date someone else, even knowing that it were just for the time being, she would feel like it was the equivalent of giving up on her and Brittany’s future.

So, honestly, if left to her own devices, I don’t know that Santana would have ever pursued another committed relationship for the whole time she was single and living in NYC. Go on casual dates here and there? Sure. But actively seek out a new girlfriend who isn’t Brittany? No way.

The only reason Santana gets together with Dani is because Dani comes onto her.

Again, that’s not to say that Santana isn’t actually interested in Dani or that she doesn’t legitimately like her. She is and she does. It’s just that if Rachel hadn’t pushed Santana to go for it and Dani hadn’t then made a move intimating to Santana that she wanted them to be together, Santana probably never would have mustered the courage to take action. She would have indefinitely hung back.

Going into her relationship with Dani, she is genuinely very excited to have found a girl who likes her, and she is happy to have some companionship after being alone for so long. It especially thrills her to have someone who’s “hers” after months and months of third-wheeling Hummelberry. Now she isn’t always the odd one out, and, moreover, she has someone who should automatically be on her side whenever there is a debate or tiff at the Loft. Honestly, ever since her breakup with Brittany, she’s been lacking an advocate, and it’s very comforting to her to think that she may have found one again in Dani. 

However, because it is her nature, Santana also has some trepidations even from the onset of her and Dani’s relationship. Aside from her brief and purely sexual fling with Quinn at the Wemma wedding, her only real relationship with a girl prior to this point has been with Brittany, so part of her worries that she won’t know what to do with Dani. What if her inexperience shows? What if she doesn’t really know how to date anyone but Brittany?

This last question is especially pressing, given that, deep down, Santana knows she’s still in love with Brittany. Can she even be a good girlfriend to someone else when her heart still belongs to Britt?

That insecurity manifests in some of the shitty biphobic things Santana says about Brittany to Dani. Essentially, Santana tries to make herself seem cooler, more aloof, and more “over Brittany” than she really is in order to convince both herself and Dani that she is ready for and experienced enough to handle this new relationship (see here).

However, it also manifests in a subtler way—in what Santana withholds from her and Dani’s relationship.

Santana’s anxieties all compound one another.

She worries that she doesn’t have what it takes to maintain her relationship with Dani both due to her own inexperience and her lingering feelings for Brittany. 

She then worries that she is going to lose Dani and that if she does, she’ll be back to where she started from, completely alone and not knowing how to go either forward or back. 

She worries that if she dumped the only girl she ever loved and then got dumped by the only girl aside from that who’s ever even liked her, she is a hopeless case. 

She worries that for as long as her heart still belongs to Brittany, she’ll never be able to successfully date anyone else, which might be okay if she had a guarantee that Brittany would someday come back to her, but she doesn’t, because there is always the possibility that eventually Brittany will realize how full of shit she is and drop her forever, never to return. 

Underlying everything is her same, old basal fear that she is maybe unlovable and that all her relationships are doomed to failure because somehow she doesn’t deserve them. 

The same terrible question remains in her mind: For as much as she loves Brittany, are they going to end up together? Or will she inevitably end up alone?

These fears are almost completely subconscious on her part, but they still greatly influence her behavior, and one of the primary ways in which they do is to make her emotionally guard herself from Dani and the rejection she anticipates will come.

Watch Dantana’s S5 arc and you can see: The relationship is almost completely superficial. Santana and Dani hang out together and show each other physical affection, but Santana doesn’t disclose to Dani, not about important things like her hopes or feelings or fears.

The whole time Santana is dating Dani, she is going through an existential crisis about her future. She doesn’t know what she is doing with her life, and watching Hummelberry achieve success while she has no clue how to even take a first step forward is causing her all sorts of anxiety. 

But does Santana ever talk to Dani about these issues? Does she ever confide how scared she is or that she feels like she’s stuck in a rut? No.

To me, that’s a sign that, deep down, for as much as Santana may like Dani, she doesn’t fully trust her and she isn’t in the relationship for the long haul.

Of course, it is worth noting that the person Santana finally does discuss these issues with is none other than Brittany (see episodes 5x12 and 5x13).

—and particularly not because, near the end of the Dantana relationship, Dani actually validates Santana’s fears, “rejecting Santana” when she colludes with Kurt to kick Santana out of their band.

While Dani views this action as a business move and nothing Santana should take personally, Santana considers it a betrayal and doesn’t ever really get over it.

Dani is supposed to be her advocate and side with her when Hummelberry gang up on her. But Dani doesn’t seem to understand Santana’s need for support. That she would agree that the easiest way to deal with Santana and Rachel’s ongoing feud is to kick both of them out of Pamela Lansbury “proves” to Santana that she has been right along to not fully invest in Dani or completely trust her with her special things.

Frankly, that’s why it’s so easy for Santana to run back to Brittany in episode 5x12—because Brittany is the only person who has always consistently had Santana’s back and been her partner in everything. To Santana, being with someone is all about supporting them and helping them to achieve their dreams, and she has only ever experienced that with Brittany.

So while Dani was pretty and cool and nice to hang out with for a while, she was never Santana’s endgame—and part of Santana always knew as much.

That foundation of love and trust just wasn’t there. 

Now, as for Brittany’s side of things, the matter is pretty straightforward.

Unlike Santana, Brittany does trust that she and Santana will eventually come back together again. While some people may mistake this trust in her for a belief in real magic or a childish naïveté, what it really is is what she talks about during her Heart Locker speech in episode 2x22: namely, a belief that because she and Santana love each other more than anything else in the world, anything is possible for them. 

While she is less certain of her and Santana’s relationship status during S4 (see here), by S5 she has regained her faith that they’ll eventually make it through. She knows they’re broken up for the time being, sure, and she realizes that they are currently separated by distance, definitely. It isn’t at all beyond her that they have the odds stacked against them. It’s just that in the end she knows that what they both want is just to be together, and since they are two strong, smart, determined, stubborn women, they will eventually find some way to make that happen. 

Maybe it will take her graduating MIT and moving to New York to be by Santana’s side. Maybe it will take Santana flying out to Cambridge to be with her. Maybe it will be something that happens in the next couple of months. Maybe in the next couple of years.

But one way or another, no matter the timeframe, as long as they still love each other, they will find their ways back.

—and unlike Santana, Brittany does trust that their bond is unwavering.

Brittany knows her own feelings and knows that Santana has always been her first and last choice, the one person she has always wanted to be with. She also is the world’s foremost expert in Santana, so she knows that Santana feels the same way about her. She was able to read that unfailing devotion throughout their S4 interactions. She knows that every time they’ve parted ways, it has been with their feelings for each other still intact.

I mean, that’s exactly what she tells Santana in her speech at the end of episode 5x12 and later further elaborates on during the bedroom scene in episode 6x03: that she knows that what she and Santana have is special, a kind of once-in-a-lifetime, infinite love (“I’ve seen the world and I’m sure now more than ever that I belong with you.And I’m sure your girlfriend’s great but you can’t re-create what you and I have” and “And I’m never going to stop doing just that.As a math genius, I am one of the few people who understands the concept of infinity, and I will love you until infinity, Santana Lopez”).

While she is highly aware that the world can be a cruel place and that good isn’t always rewarded with good and oftentimes things aren’t fair, she views her and Santana’s love as a constant.

Now we don’t know under what circumstances or from whom Brittany learns that Santana is dating Dani. Maybe Santana herself tells Brittany via email or over the phone. Maybe Brittany sees Santana’s updated Facebook status. Maybe one of the other glee kids lets it slip somehow.

But whatever the case, Brittany doesn’t seem fussed about Dani.

Honestly, while fanfiction loves to imagine Brittany as a jealous person, the truth is that Brittany has never really been jealous when Santana has dated other people, regardless of said people’s genders. 

When Santana used to date boys, Brittany would feel sad because she knew that Santana was miserable and that lying to herself and everyone about who she was wasn’t good for her. But Brittany never faulted the boys themselves, hated them, or even considered them her real rivals. They were just objects, and she understood as much. 

With Dani, Brittany doesn’t even feel sad because at least she knows that Santana really does have a genuine interest in the girl and that being with her isn’t something Santana is doing to hide herself. The attraction there is authentic, and, honestly, that’s a good thing. Santana is being true to herself even though she is out on her own and undoubtedly scared. Frankly, Brittany probably feels proud of her more than anything.

Anyone else might feel jealous or at least uncomfortable knowing that an ex whom they were themselves still madly in love with was in a happy, healthy relationship with someone else—and not just any someone else, but a cool, attractive person with whom they seemed to get along well. 

But not Brittany.

Brittany knows from personal experience that there is a world of difference between “like” and “love.” Brittany also knows that sometimes it’s okay to be happy with the one you’re with while you’re waiting on your happily-ever-after. She knows that you can’t subtract from infinity, meaning that nothing Santana ever has with Dani will take away from what she and Santana have together. She respects Santana’s feelings enough to say, “I think that we belong together, but it’s your choice.”

Brittany lives by the old maxim: “If you love someone, let them go, and if you’re meant to be together, someday they’ll come back you.”

She has that trust that she and Santana are inevitable.

So, no, I don’t think Brittany ever believes that Santana and Dani will be endgame.

She understands how Santana works and knows that the depth of trust and feeling just isn’t there. She knows that while Santana may like Dani a lot, Santana still loves her more than anything. That’s why she feels comfortable kissing Santana and essentially saying, “Okay, it’s time for us to be together again now.” There’s just such an unshakable confidence there, and it comes from the security Brittany has at her core.

Santana is always the nervous one, the one who questions and doubts and hopes against hope but has the hardest time fully believing. Brittany is the certain one, the one who trusts and knows and just has a feeling that things will sort themselves out.

That’s not to say that Brittany knows from the very beginning that she and Santana are going to end up married one day. It’s not that she’s clairvoyant or even fully certain all the time. It’s just that when she has the choice between fear and trust, when it comes to Santana, she learns to trust—and especially after S2.

In the early days, Brittany was just as scared and hopeless as Santana was. But eventually Santana starts coming through for her. Sometimes it takes Santana a long time to come around, but she always comes around eventually. Brittany learns to rely on Santana in that way.

So for as insurmountable as the obstacles between Brittana seemed during S4 and S5, I think Brittany made the conscious decision to say, “Things have looked bleak before, but Santana has always come through for me. She’ll do it again someday. We’ll make it.”

—and, ultimately, she was right.

Anyway, rambling now. Thanks for the questions!      

[head-and-heart]

The Head And Heart Controversy - Parts 3 & 4

Thank you to everyone who has patiently awaited the second (and final) post in my “Head and Heart Controversy” analysis, I’m happy to be posting this.

If you have not already done so, I recommend reading the first post HERE prior to reading this post just because - since this was originally a one part post but it got split in two - it is written with the assumption that anyone reading would have read parts 1 and 2 already. I am going to be building off of the ideas I talked about in the first post, so I do recommend that you read it if you haven’t.

At the very least, if you plan to contradict what I’m saying, please read both parts so you have a full picture of my position. :)

To summarize, in this meta I am going to be discussing my personal interpretation of the head and heart analogy in regards to Bellamy and Clarke (as well as Bellarke) by exploring the way it translates itself into four different categories: intuition, leadership, personal relationships, and internal struggle. In my first post, I covered intuition and leadership, so in this post I will be covering personal relationships (so hard-core Bellarke shippers - this one is for you) and internal struggle.

If that catches your fancy at all, please feel free to keep reading!

Part Three: Personal Relationships

I said personal relationships - as in plural - but mostly this section is just going to be about an observation I have made about the nature of Bellamy and Clarke’s relationship to each other. One of my favourite things about Bellarke is that they are always there to comfort and support each other. It is something we have consistently seen demonstrated again and again every season only excluding (and sometimes not even) when they are at odds with each other.

But how do they comfort each other?

Well, they do it in different ways.

I noticed that when Clarke is offering Bellamy support, she is usually coming from a place of logic, and reassures him by acting as a voice of reason. This is consistent with Clarke’s role as “the head”. While she does physically comfort him - like with the hug in 3x13 - I can’t think of a time off the top of my head where those physical gestures were not accompanied by some sort of comment to remind him of what she believes to be true, and what she has observed.

The following are some examples:

a) “I saw you in the woods with Atom - I know you’re not a killer.” (1x04)

While this isn’t the typical example of comforting that we would see from Clarke nowadays with where the show developed, I still think that this is a good example of Clarke coming from a place of logic (her observation of Bellamy in the woods with Atom) to show him that she knows who he truly is, and that he doesn’t have to be the bad guy that he believes he is. By pointing out something she knows to be true (he couldn’t kill Atom), she is trying to remind him of who he is.

b) “You’re not a murderer. You always did what you had to do to protect your sister - that’s who you are. And you can do it again, by saving 300 of your people.” (1x05)

This example is similar to the first one in that it is once again Clarke using a fact she has observed about Bellamy to remind him of who he is at his core to alleviate his own self-hatred enough that he might be willing to help them. She lifts some of the guilt for the things he has done by pointing out that he has always done it for his sister, and that he is not a murderer - two facts that Bellamy can’t always see for himself. She also points out that it isn’t too late to fix his mistakes and save more of his people, if he helps them find the radio. It is a very logical approach to reasoning with Bellamy and offering him comfort at the same time.

c) “You saved my life today. And you may be a total ass half of the time, but I need you. We all need you. None of us would have survived this place if it wasn’t for you.” (1x08)

This is the first time we really see Clarke comforting Bellamy, in “Day Trip”. Bellamy insists that he is a monster, and that all he does is hurt people, but Clarke proves him wrong. She points out what she knows: he saved her life, they would all be dead without him. Because Bellamy is often so trapped in his own self-hatred, he can’t always see the truth about himself. Clarke is the voice of truth there to show him.

d) “We can’t do this without you, Bellamy. [...] Those kids out there, they listen to you. [...] Five minutes ago they were willing to fight and die for you. You inspire them.” (1x13)

In the Season 1 finale when Bellamy is feeling alone and like he has no voice because all the delinquents are packing up to leave the camp (and him) behind, Clarke reassures him that that is not the case through pointing out their loyalty to him that she has witnessed throughout their time on the Ground together. She shows him that he is valued through offering an example of their devotion to him and establishing that they all need him.

(Also, I like this particular conversation because it clearly lays out Bellamy’s role as the heart that I talked about in the previous two parts.)

e) “You did good here, Bellamy.” (Bellamy: “18 dead.”) “82 alive. You did good.” (1x13)

I hate sounding repetitive but in this example here Clarke, again, comforts Bellamy by pointing out an indisputable fact: he helped keep 82 kids alive, a number more than four times the size of the casualties at that point.

f) “You couldn’t have known it was the Mountain Men. No one could have.” (2x05)

Bellamy implies he feels responsible for whatever might happen to the Grounder village that he sent Finn to because he failed to recognize that it was not them who took their friends. Clarke, using her role as the head, comforts him by pointing out that it was impossible for him to have been aware that the Grounders weren’t the only people out there.

f) “I’m sorry for leaving. I knew I could, because they had you.” (3x05)

This example is different from the ones prior to it because it is the first time that she is comforting Bellamy due to something that Clarke - herself - has done to hurt him versus something else that is on his mind. While different, Clarke still comes from a place of reason in explaining to him that she left their people behind knowing that they would be okay with him there to protect them. She apologizes, not realizing that her actions would hurt him, and offers her explanation and her train of thought when she decided to leave in 2x16 in order to comfort him and show him that it wasn’t because he wasn’t important to her.

g) “Maybe there are no good guys.” (3x11)

This is really the first example of Clarke comforting Bellamy with touch that I can think of (unless you count 2x16, which was more about saying goodbye to him) when she wraps his hand. Prior to this, she did it all with words of reason. This time she still uses what she knows to offer him the comfort that she can. It isn’t Clarke’s place to forgive Bellamy for what he did to the Grounders; what she can do is tell him what she knows to be true: through pointing out that there may not be any good guys, she acknowledges that everyone has done questionable things and made mistakes, not just Bellamy.

h) “Give her time, Bellamy. There may be blood on your hands but it’s not Lincoln’s. [...] You didn’t want that to happen. You tried to stop it. [...] Octavia will forgive you, eventually.” (3x13)

This is a prime example of Clarke comforting Bellamy in her role as “the head” in their relationship. She is extremely logical and calm and tries to alleviate his concerns by pointing out facts of her own. It is a fact that Bellamy did not kill Lincoln. It is a fact that he tried to stop Lincoln’s death. And Clarke truly believes that Octavia will recognize that eventually, but she encourages him to give her time. Because he is so swamped in guilt and because so much of Bellamy’s life has rested on his need to protect Octavia and he feels like he has failed in that duty, Bellamy is unable to see that what Clarke says is true on his own. That’s why having Clarke as the head to be the voice of reason when he is emotional is the best thing that she can do for him in this moment (plus showing that she is there for him when she hugs him).

i) “[Octavia’s] your sister. She’s blood. She’ll come around and see how special you are.” (4x06)

This is, in a way, a leaping point from the conversation that they had in 3x13, in which Clarke assured Bellamy that Octavia would forgive him because he’s her family and he didn’t really kill Lincoln. She reestablishes that because they are blood, they will always come back to each other. Clarke does not comfort Bellamy with touch in this moment, it is all with words and what she believes to be true based on what she knows (god, I feel like such a fucking broken record).

j) “You’re [Octavia’s] brother. You not being there is worse than saying the wrong thing.” (4x10)

When Bellamy is worried that he won’t say the right thing to Octavia and that she won’t to see him before her battle in the conclave, Clarke reassures him that because he is her family, it doesn’t matter. Once more, she uses her words and rational thinking to offer him encouragement.

k) “I didn’t like you at first and that’s no secret, but even then ... every stupid thing you did - it was to protect your sister. She didn’t always see that, but I did. You’ve got such a big heart, Bellamy. [...] People follow you, you inspire them, because of [your heart]. But the only way to make sure we survive is if you use [your head] too.” (4x13)

This conversation (my favourite ever) works to establish lots of things. And, I mean, it’s pretty damn fitting in this meta considering it is literally about the head and the heart analogy, but the point I want to focus on for now is that this is, once again, Clarke comforting Bellamy. Yes, it is for a thing that has not happened yet (leaving her behind on Earth/Clarke “dying”) but it is something that Clarke feels is inevitable. She believes this could be her last chance to talk, to tell Bellamy not only everything that he is to her, but to remind him that she knows who he is as a person. To remind him that he has a big heart, that all the poor choices he has made in the past have all been because of his need to protect other people, to remind him that one of his greatest traits is that he inspires people and they will follow him. She needs to tell him, not only for the survival of them all, but because she knows that he’ll blame himself for when she’s gone, and that he’ll blame himself for a lot of things that have happened and are yet to happen. If these are her last words to him, she needs him to know just how much he means to her, and so she does it by pointing out the things that she knows in her head to be true.

I feel like I have gone in-depth enough for talking about Clarke’s role as the head in her relationship to Bellamy and in comforting/supporting him, so now it is time to talk about the reverse of that: how Bellamy supports Clarke.

When Bellamy supports Clarke, he generally (though not always) does it by establishing through his touch (and occasionally words) that he is present and there to support her. Where Clarke acts as a voice of reason, Bellamy is a place of stability for Clarke to lean on when she is struggling and inspires her to move forward by showing her/telling her what she needs to hear in that moment.

The role of “the heart” is all about connection, as seen in the first two parts. It was all about Bellamy’s connection to the people that he interacts with, and inspiring them to move forward. His relationship to Clarke is no different, only more personal. He establishes that connection through his touch (especially in later seasons) and through words that reassure her that she is not alone and inspire her to keep fighting.

Some of these I won’t expand on in the way I did for Clarke because they feel pretty self-explanatory to me, but others I will provide an explanation for. Here are some examples:

a) “Who we are and who we need to be to survive are two very different things.” Touching her hand to take away the spike they put through Lincoln’s. “It’s not easy being in charge, is it?” (1x07)

This is one of my favourite early Bellarke moments, because it is really the first time we see Bellamy comforting Clarke, and he does it through his touch, connecting them physically, and his words (which also connect them). He establishes them as a “we”, showing that they are in this together, and points out that “it’s not easy being in charge”, implying that he knows what it is like because he is a leader, too, and now they’re leading together.

Bellamy knows how Clarke is feeling and tells her what she needs to hear in the moment to keep pushing forward. He understands her guilt (empathy = heart) and attempts to alleviate it by showing that he understands how she feels.

b) “Your mom would be proud.” (2x07)

As I mentioned, Bellamy’s role as the heart in their relationship means that when he is comforting her, it is all about emotions and connection. When Clarke is frustrated about her inability to save Lincoln in 2x07, Bellamy points out that her mother would be proud of her. He gives her something to keep going, reminds her that he - and her mother - believe in her. 

c) When Finn carries Clarke to the dropship after being injured, Bellamy tends to her and caresses her face, saying, “It’s going to be all right, you just need to rest.” (2x08)

No lengthy explanation for this one. Bellamy establishes that connection I talked about through his touch (the face caress), reassuring her that she’s going to be all right and is not alone. Pure heart.

d) “Hey, you doing all right?” [...] “You did the right thing.” (2x09)

In this moment, Bellamy checks in on Clarke and reminds her that she did the right thing. He tells her what she needs to hear, in order to keep going, in order to live with herself. Whether it worked how he intended for it to, that’s up for discussion, but the intent remains the same regardless.

e) “Together.” Bellamy places his hand over Clarke’s to pull the lever in Mount Weather. (2x16)

If Bellamy were a “head” type, he would have been the one encouraging Clarke by reiterating why it is necessary to pull that lever. If Bellamy were a “head” type, he would have comforted Clarke after the lever was pulled by reassuring her about how if she didn’t pull the lever, all their people would have died. He would have been the voice of reason.

But Bellamy isn’t a “head” type. He is a heart. And so instead of reassuring Clarke on all the reasons why her choice was necessary, he placed his hand over top of hers (reassuring in his touch) and accepted the burden with her. He offered her the strength to pull that lever in his reassurance that she wouldn’t have to do it alone.

f) “If you need forgiveness, I’ll give that to you.” [...] “What WE did. You don’t have to do this alone.” (2x16)

I love this one because I think it is a prime example of how Bellamy is the heart when it comes to comforting Clarke in their relationship. He doesn’t try to use logic to comfort her (as Clarke does with him). Instead, he tells her what he thinks she needs to hear. He tells her that she is forgiven, trying desperately to appeal to Clarke’s state of mind, only it’s not his forgiveness that she needs. 

Another thing he does is remind her that she isn’t alone, that he pulled that lever with her, and that he’ll be there for her as an emotional crutch if she needs it. Bellamy tries to hard to reach Clarke’s heart in his comforting her, and establish his emotional connection to her ... but, this time, the damage is too deep for it to work. 

g) Caressing her face when he reunites with her in the cave. “I’ll get you out of here.” (3x02)

Pretty self-explanatory. Again, the whole touch + gentle reassurance combo in order to establish both a physical and emotional connection.

h) Holding her hand after their fight in Hakeldama. (3x05)

See point “g”.

i) Wrapping arm after Chipped!Raven bites her. “I’ll let her beat me up for awhile.” (3x11)

Again, establishing the physical connection (I don’t know you guys, are you sensing a trend here?). And then Bellamy goes to take Clarke’s place, attempting to bear the emotional weight for her. It’s almost like he’s trying to spare Clarke’s heart from the emotional beating ALIE is offering, it’s almost like he’s trying to protect her heart by becoming her heart. 

j) Literally fucking holding her up when she dramatically collapses in his arms after running from Emerson. (3x12)

Now there’s a visual metaphor for their relationship if I’ve ever seen one.

k) “You are out of your mind if you think I’m letting you do this on your own.” (3x12)

Another example of Bellamy refusing to let Clarke struggle on her own, wanting to be there to share the burden along with her. 

l) “I believe you.” Literally feeding her the fucking chip, I mean what kind of extra ... (3x16)

This example is similar to the “your mom would be proud” because he is telling her what she needs to hear: that he has faith in her. He believes her. He believes in her. He doesn’t need to tell her “you taking the chip will give us a way to shut ALIE down” (”head” logic). He only has to express his belief, he only has to show her that he supports her, that he’s right there beside her through it all. And him feeding her the chip himself, instead of just giving it to her, further connects them.

m) Holding her hand. (3x16)

pHySIcAL COnNecTiOn

‘nuff said.

n) Helping her off the Commander’s throne, continuing to hold her even once she’s steady. (3x16)

See point “m”. 

I would like to add that him physically helping her up, and holding her when she is weak, is kind of a metaphor for his whole role as the “heart” and how he supports her and inspires her and offers her the strength to keep going. It’s the same thing that makes him a leader people will follow: because he inspires them.

o) Placing his hand on her shoulder in 4x03, putting her name below his on the list. (“You still have hope?”) “Are we still breathing?” (4x03)

This is an excellent example of Bellamy supporting Clarke as the “heart” because it demonstrates three things: the first is the physical comfort piece I talked about. The second is him supporting her by establishing his presence and showing that they’re in this together, which is what he does by putting her name down below his on the list. And the last is the piece about Bellamy inspiring Clarke, because this scene is largely about hope, and Bellamy offers Clarke just that in this scene. And maybe there’s no real, logical reason why Clarke should have hope (after all, everything’s gone to shit), and maybe that’s why she’s struggling so much in this moment (as the head) but Bellamy doesn’t need that. He offers her strength by inspiring hope in her. And we know that this was an impactful moment for Clarke, because she remembered it six years later, when she smiled over the radio and told him:

“I still have hope.” 

Because of him.

p) Hugging her. (4x13)

Physical connection, reassurance that he’s there to emotionally support her - “together” - blah blah blah. Can you tell that I’m getting annoyed at my own repetition? 

Anyway.

There’s another aspect to Bellamy and Clarke’s relationship regarding the head and heart analogy that I wanted to talk about as well. It’s not just that Clarke uses her head when supporting/comforting Bellamy or that Bellamy uses his heart; it’s also that when Clarke gets too wrapped up in logic and “the ends justify the means”, Bellamy reminds her of her heart and - likewise - when Bellamy gets too wrapped up in his emotions, Clarke reminds him of his head. 

It is not a coincidence that Bellamy and Clarke have both embarked on the start of their downward spirals when they have been working apart from each other. 

It is no coincidence that Bellamy’s emotions often get the best of him when Clarke isn’t around, or that Clarke pushes Bellamy away (her heart) when she starts to use logic too much.

In Season 1, Bellamy played the “bad guy” for a few episodes before eventually starting to trust, respect, and work with Clarke. In Season 2, Clarke took on the mantra “love is weakness” and made some her most traumatizing decisions (eg. Tondc) while Bellamy was away in Mount Weather. In Season 3, when Bellamy started following Pike’s command, Clarke was away in Polis. Likewise, when Clarke isolated herself from her friends and decided to make choices for her people without having seen them in three months, Bellamy was not at her side. In Season 4, Clarke took on her “God Complex” while she was on Becca’s island, while Bellamy was back in Arkadia.

When they are apart, they struggle, because they are stronger together.

All the examples I gave before are pretty good examples of Clarke reminding Bellamy of his head, but the main one that I believe demonstrates this is her talk with him in 4x13. Particularly because she literally touches her hand to his head and tells him that “if we’re gonna survive, you need to use this too”. In this moment she both physically and verbally reminds him of his head, acknowledging that he has a big heart and that’s a good thing, but also reminding him that it isn’t all he has. 

It is because of this talk with Clarke about making choices with his head, that he is able to pull the lever that will close the door of the rocket on her at the end of this episode. It is because of this talk with Clarke that Bellamy finds the strength to lead with both his head and his heart up on the ark after he believes that she is gone.

The example I picked for Bellamy is pretty simplistic, to be honest, but Clarke’s is a little more complicated, as it is mostly demonstrated through subtext.

There have been multiple occasions on this show where Bellamy has been almost a human representation of Clarke’s heart. Let me explain.

In 2x09 - “Remember Me” - L.exa tells Clarke that she has taken on the ideology “love is weakness”. Clarke, who is heart-broken after killing Finn, decides to take on this mantra, and shut her heart down. 

But how does she do that?

By pushing away her loved ones. Bellamy first.

In the moment where Clarke marches up to Bellamy and tells him to go to Mount Weather, that his death is “worth the risk”, he is performing the metaphorical role of Clarke’s heart. Clarke doesn’t want to acknowledge her heart anymore, doesn’t want the painful emotions, so she tries to send her heart and everything that comes with it away - she tries to send Bellamy away.

Why? Because he is her heart. Because she loves him.

It’s not really that Bellamy’s life is “worth the risk”, it’s that Clarke can’t deal with her emotions in this moment, she doesn’t want to. If she really wants to become cold and emotionless, she can’t have Bellamy around, because he makes it impossible for her to act indifferent. He reminds her too much of the heart beating in her chest.

We see this idea come up again in 3x05 - “Hakeldama” - when Clarke returns to Arkadia to talk to Bellamy. Throughout the entire season, Clarke has been pushing people away, trying to isolate herself. Even though “love is weakness” never really worked out for her and she isn’t quite the cold and ruthless girl we saw in 2x09 anymore, she still embodies that idea through pushing away the people she loves and trying to remain as detached as she possibly can.

When we find her at the start of Season 3, Clarke is a shell of herself, fighting panthers in the woods and hiding her heart underneath the layers of scars fabric she wears on her back. It is this girl that Roan finds, the girl who says “I’m no one” and pretends that she has no clan to be loyal to, no people that she loves.

We see this again when Abby visits her in 3x03 and tries to hug her, only for Clarke to weakly reciprocate, push her away, and then move straight on to business despite the fact that she hasn’t actually seen her mother in three months. Before, in Season 2, Clarke was the cold leader of Skaikru to the Grounders, but now she is Wanheda, and Clarke - despite despising the title - has taken on the untouched and powerful image that the Grounders have given her.

She further plays into this cold image of herself when she dons the Grounder apparel and swears fealty to L.exa, distancing herself from Skaikru once more and offering nothing more than a simple “I’m sorry” when Bellamy asks her to come home.

But Bellamy has always been her weakness, he has always held her heart in his hand, and when it comes the time for Clarke to talk to him - really talk to him - Clarke can no longer hold up the cold, heartless facade she has trained her features to mimic for so long.

While she was cold with her mother, detached from her people, and distant from Roan, Clarke couldn’t stop the emotions that Bellamy brought out of her in 3x05. It is in this scene, their argument, that Clarke breaks. He makes her feel, he pulls up all the pain she’s felt over the past few months, he reminds her of her heart.

Again, this happens in 4x11 - “The Other Side” - when Clarke is faced with a choice: shoot Bellamy, or let him open the bunker door. Bellamy, in this position, makes Clarke acutely aware of her own heart; he reminds her of all the people that she loves, all the people she will have to sacrifice if the bunker door remains closed.

So she doesn’t shoot him, because to do so would be to put a bullet through her own heart.

This is why Bellamy and Clarke’s personal relationship fits well into the head and heart analogy: because Bellamy uses his heart to support Clarke and she uses her head to support him - but, on top of that, they remind each other of their respective body parts when the other starts to lose their path.

Part Four: Internal Struggle

When I see people talking about the head and heart analogy, Bellamy and Clarke’s internal struggle and respective character arc’s is usually what I see them referring to. The main reason that I made this post was because I thought that if you only looked at that one section of the analogy (one of four that I explored) that’s when people run into problems with it, and I just didn’t feel that it was an accurate representation or study of who Bellamy and Clarke are in regards to this metaphor.

In my experience, there are two kinds of people who hate the head and heart analogy: people who think it oversimplifies Bellamy and Clarke and people who want them to be perfect.

The reason I wrote this analysis was because of the former, because I don’t think it simplifies Bellamy and Clarke at all (rather, some people who refer to it use the analogy to simplify Bellamy and Clarke). In fact, I think it makes them very complex and interesting. As for the latter ... well, there’s nothing anyone can do about those people.

Anyway.

It is my belief that Bellamy and Clarke’s individual character journey’s have always revolved around their struggle to balance both their head and their heart, and that the first four seasons of the show have largely been wrapped around this analogy that I have spent so much time talking about. It has been such a large and impactful part of their character’s and the story as a whole that I have even gone so far as to consider whether this story ends when they have finally learned how to do that. 

When you look at their past character arcs, and where Bellamy and Clarke have gone wrong, for Bellamy it has almost always been associated with matters of the heart, whereas with Clarke it has almost always been associated with matters of the brain. 

In Season 1, the reason Bellamy made so many poor decisions was because of his love for his sister and his incessant need to protect her at whatever the cost. In Season 2, Clarke’s questionable decisions arose from her shutting her emotions down and attempting to use only her head when leading. In Season 3, Bellamy let paranoia and his own anger and emotional trauma guide him in joining Pike’s cause. Clarke, in Season 4, again used “the ends justify the means” logic to push her God complex, as Murphy might call it, while sacrificing people she loves in the process.

The truth of the matter is this: in the first three parts that I talked about, Bellamy’s heart and Clarke’s head have been two of their most valuable characteristics that have allowed them to interact with other people, lead, and protect each other as well as the people they care about season after season. But it is also the thing that has enabled their worst mistakes, formed the base of their deepest regrets, and caused them the largest amount of pain.

It is their greatest asset, but also their fatal flaw.

This is why we love Bellamy and Clarke. The idea that their greatest strength is also their greatest flaw is what makes them compelling.

His heart makes Bellamy an inspiring and empathetic leader and person, but it also makes him reckless and careless about his personal safety and needs. It means that he tends to get very wrapped up in his own guilt and need to protect others - always - which can lead to some of the poorer and most self-destructive decisions he has made.

The first three seasons of Bellamy’s character arc were about him learning that allowing his emotions to lead his actions not only have negative impacts on himself, but serve real consequences for the people around him as well. In Season 4, Bellamy’s character arc was more focused on his martyr-like tendencies and him coming to realize that he can’t save everyone, and that his own life matters too. 

The best example I can think of for this is in 4x07 - “Gimme Shelter” - when he is embarks into the black rain to save Mark and Peter. It’s an impossible task, and somewhere in his head Bellamy knows it, but he can’t stop trying. He would offer his own life just so he could have at least tried to save them. He cares too deeply about everyone else and too little about himself to stop himself from taking on what can only be a suicide mission. Bellamy was about to walk right out into that rain to get the rover out of the mud if Kane wasn’t on the radio to talk him down, to tell him that there was no point, and that his life wasn’t worth it. 

Never once has Bellamy made a decision for himself without having some sort of motive to help another person. And that’s why it is so damn crushing to him in this moment that he has failed at what he thought was his sole purpose: protect everyone else, no matter the cost to yourself. 

Bellamy’s journey this past season was all about letting go of his most self-destructive heart-based tendencies, in which he would offer up all of himself in order to better the life of just one other person. It was about learning when he is capable of saving someone, and when he is not.

The climax of his arc was the end of 4x13, when he had to make the choice to sacrifice one of the people he loves most - Clarke - in order to save the rest of his people. It was the ultimate decision for him - will you follow your head or your heart - and, this time, he chose his head.

Every single season, episode, character moment on this show ... they have all led him to this point. This is what the purpose of every single obstacle and roadblock that Bellamy has faced has come to: Bellamy learning to lean more on his head. Whether you like the head and heart analogy or not, it is impossible to deny that it exists in the show, and is extremely crucial to understanding Bellamy’s character.

Likewise, it is also crucial to understanding Clarke as a character.

Clarke’s head makes her a savvy strategist and an apt diplomat, but her need to always make the best choice for her people often means that she puts her own heart at stake in the process, which is not only is destructive to her own emotional well-being, but is also damaging to the people that she loves.

For the past four seasons, Clarke’s character arc has been about coming to this realization (although it definitely picked up in Season 2): love is not weakness, love is strength, and the ends do not justify the means. She didn’t come to the realization until her argument with Bellamy in 3x05, that by shutting her heart she had wounded Bellamy’s (and other people that she loves) and that making decisions with the absence of heart was traumatic for far more people than just herself. She had to learn to rely more on her friends and the people she loves in order to save the world, as demonstrated by her line in the Season 4 finale, “survival is a teamsport”.

In the flash-forward, we seem to find a more heart-driven Clarke than we’ve seen in the past. She is a girl who holds onto hope instead of logic, a girl who is now a woman with a child she feels responsible for, and would do anything for (which is very similar to Bellamy’s attitude toward Octavia in the past). Like Bellamy’s arc led him the final decision to use his head in the decision to leave Clarke behind, Clarke’s arc has led her to this moment where she has become a more emotionally-driven character six years into the future.

What’s been interesting for me to consider now that Bellamy has learned to rely on his head more and Clarke seems to be relying on her heart more, is how their internal struggle will shift in the seasons to come. The first four seasons was about them arriving at this moment, but in Season 5, will Clarke and Bellamy travel opposite journey’s to each other? According to Jason Rothenberg, it sounds like Clarke will do anything for Madi now, and that Bellamy will have to tell her that they can’t do things like that anymore, which seems to suggest that Clarke may be letting her emotional attachment to this surrogate daughter of hers drive her actions, a very heart-based character struggle. 

I am not convinced that Bellamy is a perfectly balanced head and heart leader, because that would be boring. I wonder if, in those six years we missed of him leading, he has started to lean towards the opposite side, where he will struggle with an arc where he has to learn how not to rely so much on his head as he has come to do in an attempt to honour Clarke’s last piece of advice to him. 

It really depends on this: does this story end when Bellamy and Clarke have become fully balanced head and heart characters, or was that only the purpose of the first four seasons? And - in that case - is the six year time jump an attempt to completely reboot the show, therefore giving Bellamy and Clarke new character arcs that have nothing to do with the head and heart analogy?

I don’t know. And, to be honest, it could very well go either way. 

Regardless of which is true, I firmly believe that Clarke and Bellamy’s roles as the head and the heart will always remain the same for the first three categories I discussed, in terms of their intuition, the way they lead, and their personal relationship to each other. Why? Because those are the core characteristics that make up who they are. Those will never change.

Their head vs heart intuition, leadership skills, and the way they support each other are static - those decide who they are, what they can’t change. Their internal struggle, however, is dynamic. It shifts and evolves season after season. I don’t know how their roles as the head and the heart will continue to develop in this particular dimension. I don’t even know if Bellamy will continue to struggle most with his heart tendencies and if Clarke will continue to struggle with her head tendencies, or if they will completely switch places in Season 5 where suddenly Bellamy uses relies too heavily on logic and Clarke follows her emotions too much. Or if it will be either of those things.

It’s possible. It’s possible for that internal struggle to shift while all the other elements of their personality and relationship remain the same.

It’s going to be interesting to see how their character arc’s develop in Season 5 and beyond, and assess how it differs from their character arc’s in the first four seasons. I’m excited to find out.

This, in any case, concludes everything I wanted to cover in this meta. As I have reaffirmed over and over again, the head and heart analogy is complicated and multifaceted. How it applies itself to Bellamy and Clarke’s intuition, leadership, personal relationships, and internal struggle are all key components in understanding their characters and why they do the things that they do. It’s a fascinating topic to me, and that is - in large part - why head-and-heart is my URL.

Thanks so much for your time, I hope you enjoyed reading this!

[goldenheadfreckledheart]

hold on to hope, if you got it

Another reunion fic, because of course it is.

Canonverse, 2 months post 4x13, an excuse for me to patch up my heart.

Thanks to @fredweasleying and @mellamymake for being cheerleaders for this fic. <3

3k. [Read on AO3]

Drawing up treaties with the prisoners has been…exhausting. It feels like she’s doing the whole thing over again, except that she’s on the opposite side this time and she manages to get them to talk before exchanging bullets and spears.

So, in retrospect, not as exhausting as the first time around. At most, all she can complain is that it’s a little repetitive.

And she doesn’t have Bellamy by her side, this time. But she tries her best not to think about that.

She still finds time to radio him, most days, an outlet more than anything. Her voice doesn’t break on his name like it did those first few months, and then again at the five year mark.

It’s good for her, she thinks, talking to him. Madi has been a godsend for her sanity—giving her a sense of priority, a schedule, with all her lessons, and most importantly, someone to love—but she is still a kid, and Clarke misses talking to her friends. Misses Bellamy, more than anything. There’s no point denying it.

He was more than a best friend, which sounds overly sentimental to her own ears, but you don’t go through what they did together and not come out of it as each other’s person. So yeah, she misses him like a constant, familiar ache.

Or maybe she misses the person she remembers. Misses what her brain tells her he was. She can hardly trust her memories, now. Can hardly say for sure if he’d looked at her the way she thought he had, six years ago. If he’d really had the persistent aura of warmth that she still imagines.

They’d loved each other. She knows that at least. In what way, it doesn’t really matter. Not now. But she’d loved him. And he her. And they were a team.

And now they’re not.

Clarke smiles grimly as she finishes the walk from the negotiations tent, back toward her camp. Back to Madi. Her new team member.

She gives the girl a quick squeeze when she runs up as Clarke closes their wooden fence behind her. They’ve mostly retired the rover and their vagabond lifestyle for the last couple months, now that they need to stay close by to the newcomers. And their gate is nothing compared to the one that used to surround Arkadia. It’s a border more than a deterrent, and the thought makes her smile with a little more strength. No need for charged wire and guards, not this time.

“Hey kiddo. Finish that math?”

Madi rolls her eyes, but accepts the hug. “Ages ago. I’m almost halfway through one of the storybooks you brought back last time.”

Clarke stifles a laugh and thinks, not for the first time, that Bellamy would love her. It makes her ache, and also reminds that she hadn’t radioed this morning, what with the early meeting with the Martians.

“I get it, you’re a genius,” she says, ruffling a hand through her braids. “You have to tell me about your favorite stories later.”

She leaves Madi with dinner, courtesy of the Martian hunters, given in exchange for more survival tips, before picking up the radio.

“You need anything before I take the radio out? I missed this morning.”

“Nope,” the girl says, her attention already back on the book.

“Okay.” Clarke presses a kiss to her hair. “I won't be gone for more than an hour.”

There’s no danger here, not now that they’re on good terms with the prisoners. Plus Madi is nearly thirteen, and already bristling when Clarke gives her too many boundaries, or doesn’t let her stay at the camp alone.

The sun is just starting to set when she finishes the short trek up the hillside, to the overlook that she thinks gives her signal the best chance at reaching the Ark. The valley it looks down on is desolate as it’s ever been, though she swore she spotted a speck of green last week.

Settling down onto her usual moss-covered log, she fiddles with the receiver for a second, and then sits back.

“Hey Bellamy,” she says on a sigh. It’s how it always feels when she starts these. Like she hasn’t taken a proper breath all day. “Me again.”

It never really stops feeling stupid, talking to no one, but she doesn’t know when she’s going to stop. She’s sure she’ll have to, eventually. Just not today. Not until it stops helping.

“It’s been 2,260 days since Praimfaya. Negotiations with the Mars colony are more like Madi’s lessons these days. Except more about what not to eat and less about literature and math.” She grins down at her feet, hair falling forward. “I keep thinking how much you’d like her. She’s going to be smarter than me soon. She might even beat you out for mythology references. Those are her favorites from the last trip I took to Becca’s library.”

She clears her throat. “Not much news from the rest of the world. The bunker is still radio silent, but with the Martians here we might have the manpower to dig them out, if I can convince them to help. But… yeah.” She trails off into her thoughts. “We’re still here. On the one spot of green on the planet. Surviving. And still hoping, in case this message wasn’t enough evidence of that. I keep thinking I’ll have to stop this at some point. But like I’ve said before—it helps. And I don’t think I could let go of you, of hope.”

“I’m really glad you didn’t.”

Clarke nearly drops the radio. Because the response doesn’t come from through the crackly speaker, but from the tree line to her right. From here. Earth.

She shoots to her feet, heart racing—from fear or anticipation, she can’t tell. The voice is familiar, so familiar it hurts, but she’s spent so long hoping that this feels like it must be a trick. It must be, until she turns and sees—

“Bellamy?”

Because unless she’s well and truly lost her mind, that’s definitely Bellamy. A little older, hair a little longer, but fuck. Still Bellamy. Her mind trips over itself, trying to take in every detail at once.

He takes a couple steps toward her, a small, hopeful smile playing at his lips. Even now, even after six years, she can tell it’s underlied with guilt.

“Sorry we’re late,” he says, and she wants to live in his voice, or collapse to the ground. It’s a pretty equal fight. “Getting up to space was one thing, but coming back down without incinerating ourselves was more of a problem.”

She can’t laugh at the half-joke, can’t even breathe, let alone believe what she’s seeing. Her mind races as she takes a hesitant step forward.

“I didn’t know if you even made it to the ring.” Even now, with him standing here, it seems impossible.

“We did. Thanks to you.” And sure enough, she shifts her eyes to the other six emerging from the trees behind him. Hanging back a little, but here. Alive.

It’s so long ago now, the day she tried to align the dish. The day she lost him. Lost all of them. It’s so long ago that she’d given up on agonizing over whether it had worked. Whether she saved them, or left them stranded in space.

It’s always been in the back of her head, a constant weight, tinged with the smallest flicker of hope, but it’s been so long since she’s let herself think on it, in concrete terms.

And here he is. Bellamy. If he’s not a hallucination, then he must be something infinitely crazier: a confirmation of all her most optimistic hopes. That the rocket worked, that she’d moved the dish in time, that they’d gotten the air turned on, that the algae bloomed on schedule, that, despite every odd against them, they’d survived.

She’s still staring, and when she meets his eyes, he’s looking at her like he’s trying to figure her out. Her chest twinges painfully.

There’s so much to say -- so much to ask -- that she can’t think where to start. He’s got dirt on his face, and she’s sure the rest of them do too, but she can’t tear her eyes from him. She wants to touch him. Make sure he’s real.

“We came down a month ago,” he supplies, shifting slightly on his feet.

She manages to process the words over the part of her brain that can’t stop noticing that she’d forgotten how good his voice sounds.

A month. So long and yet… so short, in the grand scheme of things.

“We started getting your transmissions a week ago. It took Raven a couple days to get a location from your signal because the ship was pretty fucked up from the landing, but once she did, we started out right awa—”

She’s got her arms around his neck before he can finish, when the need becomes so persistent that she can’t repress it. Like she’s been holding her breath for six years. All thoughts of the passed time erased by the earnestness of his voice.

“I missed you so much,” she whispers, voice wavering.

It doesn’t feel like enough. Not compared to what she’s feeling. But his arms come up around her without hesitation—so familiar, but such a distant memory that she can’t believe she’s ever felt something so good before—and she lets the tears fall from her eyes, unrelenting.

“I missed you too,” he says, so quietly and so low that she almost misses the shake in his voice. “Every day.”

“Me too. I radioed. Every day. You never responded but…”

She can feel him swallow, arms tightening around her, like he’ll never let go. “We never got the coms running again. Clarke, I’m s--”

“I—I just,” she cuts him off and shakes her head into the crook of his neck, choking on a watery laugh. Still reveling in the feel of him. “I can’t believe you’re alive. You’re here.”

“All thanks to you.”

She snorts weakly, not bothering to wipe away the sticky tears as she talks into his shoulder, “I’m willing to bet you were a big part of keeping them all alive, up there.”

“We all did our part.”

She pulls back with a laugh. “Good to see you didn’t lose your modesty.”

He shrugs, a smile playing at the edges of his lips. “Survival’s a team sport.”

She recognizes her words coming from his mouth, and she’s not sure she’s felt this light in years. Not even when they first came to Earth.

He’s not smiling anymore as her eyes roam his face, cataloging every new line, every familiar freckle. When she reaches his eyes, her breath catches at the emotion she finds there.

“Fuck, you’re really alive,” he breathes.

She can’t do anything but smile, heedless of the still falling tears. “So are you. And you’re here.”

She barely catches his returning smile before he pulls her back into him, his chin a blissful, comforting weight on her shoulder. Her hand moves up into his hair when she feels his own tears against her neck.

Home, she thinks. This is what home feels like.

*

When they finally pull apart, her eyes fall on the others. Raven first, who already has her arms open when Clarke barrels into them, then Monty, and Harper, and Murphy, and Emori, and even Echo, who Clarke doesn’t think has ever looked at her with such… kindness.

She doesn’t for a second hear their insistence that they don’t need to stay at her camp, that they’ve got a camp of their own, not too far.

“I haven’t seen you all for six fucking years,” she says on a laugh. “You’re staying here.”

She catches herself for a moment, realizing that they’re more their own people than they are hers anymore. “At least for tonight,” she amends. “And longer, if you want.”

“Of course we want,” Monty says, easy as anything. “What are we without our fearless leader?”

She’s heard that your heart can break from happiness.

“You had one of your own,” she says, nodding to Bellamy, and pushing through the tightness in her throat that comes from meeting his gaze. It eases a little when he smiles at her, soft.

“But good,” she says, clearing her throat. “No take backs. Come on, you have to meet Madi.”

*

“So you are real,” is the first thing Madi says when Clarke introduces the group.

“We haven’t quite gotten to manners in the lessons yet,” Clarke says to her friends, mostly because she knows it’ll make Madi glare, and maybe because it’ll distract from her blush.

“Hi, I’m Madi,” the girl says primly, sticking her hand out to Bellamy with a pointed I can be polite glance at Clarke.

“Hi Madi, I’m Bellamy.”

It’s probably pathetic to say that Clarke’s had this dream. All the people she loves in one place.

“Yeah, I figured,” she says. “Did you know that people can have vivid delusions and hallucinations as a result of trauma? I read about it in a psychology book.”

Clarke chokes on air, and Bellamy looks like he’s suppressing a laugh. Behind him, Murphy and Raven are definitely laughing.

“I think I have heard about that, yeah.”

“I thought that was what was happening to Clarke for a while, but she seemed pretty happy besides that, so I wasn’t sure. I’m glad you’re real.”

“Yeah, so am I,” he says, eyes drifting to Clarke’s for a second, giving her the same jolt of happiness it has for the last hour. That’s probably not going away. She hopes it doesn’t, anyway.

“You’re just as smart as Clarke said,” Bellamy is saying. “This is Raven. She’s really smart too.”

“I know Raven! Clarke said you could teach me about rocket science if you ever came down.”

“Well we came down, so I guess I have to now,” Raven says, stepping forward to shake her hand.

The rest of the introductions take a bit of time, but Clarke doesn’t mind. She can’t stop smiling.

*

Once they get the campfire going, Clarke takes a seat at Bellamy’s side—Madi is next to Raven, already hanging on to her every word—and fills them in on everything she knows. About the bunker, and the Martians. They all decide that a trip to Polis is order in the next few days.

Bellamy settles in closer as the night stretches on and the rest have split into smaller groups.

His warmth is so familiar she wants to cry.

“I’m glad you’re happy,” he says, voice rough and thick with emotion, echoing Madi’s words from earlier. “And I’m sorry we left you behind.”

“Hey.” She finds his hand on log between them, laces her fingers through his and squeezes. “If you hadn’t, we’d all be dead now.”

He nods almost imperceptibly, but his fingers still tighten around hers.

“I have been happy though. Turns out that even after the second apocalypse, earth still has a lot to offer,” she teases. “So don’t feel too guilty.”

He snorts. “Yeah, that definitely helps.”

She’s smiling as she tells him everything—all the finer details she’d left out while talking to the group—about finding Madi two years in, about feeling like herself again after that, about how much it still helped, talking to him every day.

In exchange, he gives her stories from the Ark: how they passed the time, how bad their food tasted before they figured out how to season it properly, how they’re broadly all the same people—like he somehow knew Clarke would be worried about that. About fitting herself into their group again

It’s nearly the same as her story: difficult, but exhilarating, figuring out how to survive in a new world, and succeeding at it.

It makes her feel like they were connect this whole time, somehow.

“Hey Bellamy,” she says, after a while.

“Hey Clarke.”

She huffs a laugh, and then lets her head rest on his shoulder.

“I was happy. But I’m happier now that you’re here.”

She can feel the breath he takes, unsteady as hers have been.

“Yeah. Me too.”

*

“Okay Blake, stop hogging Clarke,” Raven says when words have lapsed into silence. “You’re not the only one who’s missed her.”

He turns to Clarke conspiratorially. “Told you nothing’s changed.”

“Cute,” Raven snarks. “Make yourself useful and get us some food.”

He rolls his eyes, but does what she says, dropping Clarke’s hand with an apologetic smile as he heads over to where Madi’s beckoning toward the food from the Martians, from earlier that day.

“How’s the leg?” Clarke asks, tearing her gaze from him.

“As stiff as ever, but not worse, so,” she shrugs, “small blessings.”

Clarke wraps an arm around her. It’s not just Bellamy she’s missed. “A lot of those today.”

“We were always coming, Clarke. It just took us a while.”

“Yeah, he told me. And I… I think I always knew.”

Her eyes stray to Bellamy again, to where Echo bumps a hip against his while they grab food. She must say something, because he laughs and shakes his head before returning the gesture.

“Are they…” Clarke starts, trailing off when she finds the question too painful. Even after 6 years to get over it. She’s probably making what Madi calls the Bellamy face.

But Raven turns to her before she can take it back. Seeing through her, like she always has.

“What, Bellamy and Echo?” She snorts. “Nah. He’d have to stop thinking about you for more than ten minutes for that to happen.”

Clarke tries to think of something to say to that, and fails.

“You should have seen his face when we heard you over the radio. I think some part of him never gave up hope that you were alive.”

She’s going to kiss him. It's not a jarring thought, but it's one that she's been doing her best at suppressing.

Maybe not today, but she’s definitely going to kiss him. Soon.

“Neither did I.”

Raven smiles knowingly. “Yeah, I figured. Neither of you have ever done things halfway.”

A/N: If you're into this I could probs write an extended Bellamy POV? I have a lot of feelings??

[head-and-heart]

“Tell Me Something Good”

OKAY OKAY OKAY. So I just rewatched 4x03 and I totally forgot that Clarke went up to Bellamy after talking to Luna and said these words to him. ANYWAY, I know this isn’t really an inherently romantic line at all, or anything, but there’s more to it.

I Iiterally just watched the movie “Me Before You” last night (I know it’s super problematic so I watched it illegally because I didn’t want to support the movie, but everyone I know kept bothering me about watching it and I have a huge crush on Emilia Clarke sooooooooo) and one of the recurring parts of the movie is the focus on these words: “tell me something good”. 

And get this? His nickname for her is fucking Clark.

Here, you can watch these clips.

The reason these words are important are because it symbolizes a shift in their relationship. The first time, it happened during one of the first scene’s where Will really opened up to Lou (or “Clark”). This sort of acted as the beginning of their relationship, when they first started falling in love.

The second scene, as a dark contrast to the first one, is the end of their relationship, as Will has made the choice to end his life despite all of Lou’s efforts to convince him not to. What’s SO striking to me about this particular line, though, is that the words “I love you” are never explicitly stated in the movie “Me Before You”. However, the words “tell me something good” ARE, and those words are especially focused on because it comes up not once, but twice. It’s almost as if those words are meant to stand in as an “I love you” because actually saying the words is too painful for the characters.

You know what it reminds me of? The Princess Bride, where Westley tells Buttercup, “as you wish” every time she asks him for something. “As you wish”, over and over again. And in that time he never tells her that he loves her, but it means the same thing. This is kind of the same idea with “tell me something good”. 

So in “Me Before You”, “tell me something good” means “I love you”, right?

So what does that have to do with Bellarke? 

Well, the thing is, I remember when I first heard Clarke say those words, they really struck me but I couldn’t really figure out why. But then I realized that this whole “tell me something good” business, is actually a romance trope where one person in a couple says it to their significant other when they are seeking comfort. And it all links back to this song - ”Tell Me Something Good” by Rufus & Chaka Khan - and these are the lyrics:

Tell me something good Tell me that you love me

Do you get where I’m going with this? It is not a coincidence that this famous song that has been covered by a million people, this “tell me something good” trope, and then these Me Before You parallels all exist. These specific words being  used as a symbolic stand-in for the words “I love you” is a Thing™.

For the actual context of the scene, these words don’t hold the same weight as in “Me Before You” - it’s more casual - but that’s not the point. The point is that when you hear them, you think twice, you wonder: now where do I know that from?

And it fits with the rest of the episode. 

I mean, let’s think about this for a moment. In “Me Before You”, the whole plot is surrounding Will Trainor, a quadriplegic man who feels that his life has no more worth and he wants to end it. Louisa Clark comes along as his caretaker and takes it upon herself to try and change his mind.

Obviously, neither Clarke nor Bellamy are quadriplegic. It’s not modern day, it isn’t the same situation.

BUT. 

What scene took place early in 4x03? Bellamy clearly stating to Raven and Clarke that he fully intends to sacrifice his spot on the Ark, essentially committing suicide. (”I won’t be starving, because I won’t be inside.”)

And what does Clarke say? “Yes, you will.”

She refuses to let him sacrifice himself, even going so far as to write his name down on the list in order to ensure that he won’t. Sort of like Louisa doing everything in her power to stop what Will intends to do.

What I’m getting at is not that Bellamy and Clarke’s love story (and it IS a love story) is the same as Will and Lou’s. Not in the slightest. But for this specific episode, which largely focuses on Bellamy’s sacrificial tendencies and Clarke’s refusal to go on while he does not, it tells a similar story to the basic plot of “Me Before You”. 

The point isn’t that the “tell me something good” line is all that important in the context of The 100; the point is that it calls to mind another love story that - for the purpose of “The Four Horsemen” - has some similar love-based themes to tackle.

So after I came to that realization, I thought to myself, if Bellarke’s “I love you” isn’t the actual words “tell me something good”, then what recurring lines am I looking for here to symbolize those things?

Well, this is something that Bellamy and Clarke actually do a lot, repeat lines back to each other. “It’s not easy being in charge”, for example, or “together”, or “if you need forgiveness I’ll give that to you”. “May we meet again” is a more broad term on the show to signify “I love you”. But none of those are really specific to Bellarke in this episode, or even in Season 4.

So then I thought harder, and I realized: the original scene in “Me Before You” that I featured above happens when Will is looking for comfort, so he asks her to tell him something good.

We get a similar scene, but Clarke’s words are different. Instead, she says, “you still have hope?”

She is asking for comfort in the same way that Will did, and that’s what Bellamy gives her. This line serves the exact same purpose as “tell me something good” did in “Me Before You”. She’s essentially asking for the same thing. 

But when does it come up again, you ask?

In 4x13, after the time jump, when Clarke calls Bellamy again, she says these words to him: “I still have hope”.

It is absolutely a callback to Bellamy’s words that he said to her in 4x03, an acknowledgement of everything he did for her, everything he meant to her (and still does). 

What I also find interesting about the list scene, is that there is vulnerability present in it in a way that is different from Bellarke’s previous scenes. We haven’t seen them quite so intimate in that way, with the scene opening up with Bellamy sleeping on the couch, and then the shoulder touch that Clarke just leans into, resting her head on his hand without needing to say anything. It’s soft and emotional and vulnerable - it almost feels like there’s a shift in the relationship, something different between them where they’re so close to recognizing that what they feel for each other isn’t exactly platonic. And that’s the same thing that happened in first “tell me something good” scene in “Me Before You”. It’s the beginning of their tragic love story arc in Season 4.

And for the second scene? Well, I mentioned that it was their way of saying “I love you”. And, in many ways, I think “I still have hope” was Clarke’s way of saying that too - of expressing the words she never got to tell Bellamy to his face - by making it clear that she remembers that night where she broke down in front of him and he helped her. She’s held onto the memories of what they were to each other all these years, never letting herself forget him or her feelings for him.

Listen, you can say that I’m reaching - maybe I am just being extra. But it wouldn’t shock me in the slightest if Heidi Cole McAdams took inspiration from “Me Before You” and threw that line in there as a sort of easter egg, not expecting people to read too much into it. Sounds like something I would do if I was a writer on this show. 

We all love to talk about the writers taking inspiration from famous love stories, like The Notebook, Titanic, Pride and Prejudice, Han and Leia in Star Wars ... Bonnie and Clyde with Memori, or Romeo and Juliet with Linctavia, etc. And we know for a fact that Jason and the other writers on the team DO allude to stories like these, and take beats from them (they’ve even admitted so much, like Jason saying Bellamy and Clarke were inspired by Han Solo and Princess Leia). It’s not so hard to believe that Heidi would make another allusion to another love story in order to set the theme of Bellarke’s relationship in her episode (love, loss, sacrifice, hopelessness, etc). 

(ESPECIALLY when you consider that “Me Before You” came out in theatres on June 3 of 2016, around the same time Heidi would have written 4x03 - also, The CW generally has a younger audience than many other networks, so it would makes sense that they would allude to a modern love story teens would be familiar with.)

Plus, HER NICKNAME IS CLARK FOR FUCK’S SAKE. I MEAN, WHAT BETTER EASTER EGG COULD YOU POSSIBLY DROP FOR A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP INVOLVING A CHARACTER NAMED “CLARKE”????

Anyway ... I’ve made my point I wanted to make and it’s super late and I’m getting a little loopy now so I’m throwing this into the queue for tomorrow before I start getting carried away with more wild theories.

but i mean c’mon i’m totally right about this guys

[head-and-heart]

Kate’s Hiatus Bellarke Playlist - Song 8

I’m the worst and it’s taken me forever to post this but this song is one of my favourite songs ever and it’s so emotional and basically you have to listen to it and cry with me so let’s get on with it.

“Waves (Acoustic)” by Dean Lewis

If you haven’t heard this song, listen to it rIgHt nOW. You will not be disappointed - it is amazing. I’m pretty sure that this played on Riverdale but - no offense or anything - I don’t really care because I don’t watch Riverdale and this song is so Bellarke following Season 4 IT’S INSANE. So please, if you watch Riverdale, just try to separate it from that show to recognize just how much of a Bellarke song it is if you haven’t in the past??? 

Also, do yourself a huge favour and LISTEN TO THE ACOUSTIC VERSION. IT IS WAY BETTER. I promise you that.

Now that I’ve got that out of the way, it’s time for me to point the lyrics that remind me of Bellarke. Which means, for this song, that’s ALL of them.

There is a swelling storm And I’m caught up in the middle of it all And it takes control Of the person that I thought I was The boy I used to know

First off, this song is so Bellamy right off the bat. The swelling storm would be - in a more literal sense - Praimfaya. But, more than that, it could be just about war in general in the context of the show. Bellamy and Clarke are caught up in the middle of it and it never seems to end.

The idea that it “takes control” is also very Bellamy. War has changed him, given him all of this pain and guilt that he is constantly weighed down by. He is no longer the person he thought he was, who he wanted to be (”my mom raised me to be better, to be good”). He’s not the little boy he used to be on the Ark, hasn’t been that little boy for a long time.

But there is a light In the dark And I feel its warmth In my hands In my heart

That light, my friends, is Clarke Griffin. That warmth he feels is love. And I absolutely adore this line because the singer specifically points out that he feels it in his hands and Bellarke have almost always expressed their affection for each other through gestures from their hands. The touches they exchange with their hands have always given us an indication of where their relationship stands, and they take special care on this show to focus in on them.

I mean, some examples just off the top of my head: Bellamy catching Clarke in 1x02 (camera focusing heavily on their hands), focusing on Bellamy and Clarke’s hands touching at the end of 1x07 when Bellamy takes that spike or whatever it was from her, Bellamy getting flustered after touching his hand to her back (thrown by the intimacy), the special focus on their hands “just barely touching” in the leaked Day Trip script, pulling the lever “together”, Bellamy kneeling in 3x05 to hold Clarke’s hand, the mutual hand-wrapping in 3x11, hand-holding in 3x16, the shoulder touch thing in 4x03, not-so-subtly zooming in on Clarke’s hands wrapping around Bellamy’s waist in 4x13, Clarke placing her hand over Bellamy’s heart, etc, etc. 

The point is, they express their love for each other with their hands, so I enjoyed that.

And the heart part. Oh my fucking god, THE HEART PART. 

WE LITERALLY GOT AN ENTIRE DISCUSSION IN 4X13 WHERE CLARKE PLACES HER HAND OVER BELLAMY’S HEART AND ESTABLISHES THAT HIS MASSIVE HEART AND CAPACITY FOR LOVE IS A HUGE DEFINING CHARACTERISTIC OF HIM. YOU GUYS, THIS SONG IS SO BELLARKE IT KILLS ME.

But why can’t I hold on?  

This line breaks me. It really bloody breaks me. Because even though Bellamy and Clarke love each other so much they can’t hold on to it - whether it was because “love is weakness”, or because there was always a war to fight, or because they were too afraid or didn’t think they deserved it or because they were fucking separated (again!!) they have NEVER been able to hold onto each other. They’ve never been able to fully give into that love. And now it’s too late. They’re nowhere near each other. He thinks she’s dead. She doesn’t know if he’s alive. It’s been six years.

Wow, the universe must really hate us.

‘Cause it comes and goes in waves It always does It always does And we watch as our young hearts fade Into the flood Into the flood

Peace and war - it’s like a constant cycle. Death and pain keeps coming in waves, over and over again. And because of it, their youth has left them (their “young hearts” faded) and escaped into the storm (aka. war).

After watching 4x13, the image of their young hearts fading into a storm makes me thing of their youth literally being burned away by Praimfaya. Because right after that episode there was a six year time jump and none of our characters are kids anymore. Their young hearts have literally faded.

And the freedom of falling And the feeling I thought was set in stone It slips through my fingers And I’m trying hard to let go But it comes and goes in waves 'Cause it comes and goes in waves And carries us away

The freedom of falling … in love? And the feeling he thought was set in stone: that through it all, she would always be by his side. That love, that certainty, slips through his fingers again and again. He just can’t hold onto it, but he can’t let it go either.

He can’t let Clarke Griffin go. 

But the war doesn’t end and the cycle continues and carries them along with it.

Through the wind Down to the place we used to lay when we were kids Memories of a stolen place Caught in the silence An echo lost in space

OKAY LISTEN THIS LYRIC IS SO FUCKING HRMQIQISNDKFNIDAIW THEY ARE LITERALLY. FROM. SPACE. THAT IS THE PLACE THEY USED TO LAY WHEN THEY WERE KIDS. THAT FORGOTTEN PLACE IS SPACE. IT LITERALLY IS. THIS SONG IS TOO ACCURATE. 

(Also, “an echo lost in space” … lmao. i’m sorry)

But anyway, the more metaphorical meaning: they can’t hold onto the innocence that they used to have anymore. They’ve lost that now. 

Also, the image of him being carried away down to the place he used to lay when he was a kid? Bellamy and Clarke were separated with Bellamy literally being carried away to that “echo lost in space” again.

'Cause it comes and goes in waves It always does It always does We watch as our young hearts fade Into the flood Into the flood And the freedom of falling And the feeling I thought was set in stone It slips through my fingers And I’m trying hard to let go But it comes and goes in waves 'Cause it comes and goes in waves And carries us away 

I’ve watched my wild youth disappear in front of my eyes Moments of magic and wonder It seems so hard to find Is it ever coming back again? Is it ever coming back again? Take me back to the feeling when Everything was left to find

Again, the theme of losing their innocence and their youth (metaphorically and - after 4x13 - literally). The “moments of magic and wonder” make me think of those stolen moments of happiness in Season 1 - like the party on Unity Day, where Bellamy and Clarke just got to kind of relax and laugh with each other. Or the days when they first landed on the ground and it was exciting and “everything was left to find”. The show has gotten so dark again. Will those moments ever come back again? Will they find happiness ever again? It’s like a plea: “oh, take me back to the start”. Back before Bellamy and Clarke were constantly being separated, before the bloodshed, before he thought that she was dead, when things were simple. And my poor Blorke heart can’t help but think about Bellamy wanting to go back to the time when everything was left to find in his relationship with Clarke - when it was still new. And now he thinks it’s too late.

'Cause it comes and goes in waves It always does It always does And the freedom of falling And the feeling I thought was set in stone It slips through my fingers And I’m trying hard to let go But it comes and goes in waves 'Cause it comes and goes in waves And carries us away

And that is it folks. That’s the song. If you didn’t actually listen to it, and just read the lyrics and my notes, PLEASE DO YOURSELF A FAVOUR AND LISTEN TO THE SONG. It was way more emotional and easier to visualize as a Bellarke song that way. 

Also, I totally forgot to tag people in my last one so I apologize. I also kind of forgot a lot of the people who asked to be tagged, so if you would like to be tagged in future posts please do let me know!