#I just changed to a new phone so I'll probably won't be able to draw for a while

[yurki-posts]

F e a r

[impostorsshow]

Gaze upon my ask Goldie anything au drawings

The main basis of this au is that I'm fucking obsessed with ghosts and so I threw Evan/Crying Child in here - when the bite of whatever happens, Evan goes to the hospital and dies, and instead of like haunting his family or haunting the hospital he died in, he haunts the cause of his death, which happens to be a certain Goldie locked in the backrooms. And possessing said Goldie and causing alot of panic in between the two of them.

This *singular* au is actually 14 distinct daydreams with their own plotlines and stuff that I've been slowly working out to smash into one au - right now I've managed to combine most of them together, leaving 5 or so scenarios that aren't "canon", but as of right now anything is subject to change, so I'll just. Make more Tumblr posts as I get things nailed down I guess.

Either ill l try to make this into a comic?? Or anyone who wants to can just, leave asks? The plot I have down right now is that Goldie and Evan are basically best buds after 10 years since they had to get over the "I killed you/you are the reason I'm stuck in a rotting pizzeria and not able to leave", but as mentioned they have not been able to leave the old location of Freddy's Diner, even if they eventually found a way out of the backroom. Well, they have been able to leave, but both of them decided Goldie would probably get found and used for spare parts if they left [not that they were exactly safe from anyone who was brave enough to set foot into the abandoned place.]

And because I don't want this to get super long whoop de doo Goldie was taken from the old location to the new Freddy Fazbears yippee. Except y'know, the teleportation and general psychic powers Goldie has was distinctly Not There Before, and Freddy is incredibly suspicious, though he has no clue what could even be causing it. He asks his friends about it, and T-Bee [working nickname] and T-Chi pull a bit of a prank on the nightguard [Micheal, y'know Evans brother that Certainly Won't Be an Issue] to get access to his phone and look up how to deal with Goldie, and eventually land on a page telling the two about a classic "put a circle of salt around the ghost and hope it works" or whatever and put a line of salt infront of Goldie's door. And wait.

And then Goldie tries walking out of his room and Goldie and Evan both get kicked out of their body, leaving it to fall down on the floor lifelessly. Why? Simple answer because I'm tired is that since Evan is a ghost Goldie is a ghost I'm gonna go take a nap

[just-another-siimp]

Surface Pressure 141 x Reader HCs

Just a dumb bunch of thoughts about the 141st members reacting to their S/O giving them a massage, i crave fluff so i'm writing it for myself. If you guys like this please reblog! It gives me my daily serotonin boost.

word count: 1.3k Warnings: Unsure, if you find any let me know <3.

Captain John Price

We all know that as Captain, John is under a lot of pressure to not only keep his team alive but to get results.

A lot of the stress that he has is held in his shoulders, it doesn't help that post mission he spent a lot of his time hunched over a desk completing reports.

Massages often helped.

You often bought him coffee in the early hours of the morning, strong and dark the perfect combination to get him through the rest of his reports.

Even with exhaustion hanging over you, you'd stay by his side. Keeping him company until he joined you in bed.

You sat on your phone, idly scrolling through the news trying to catch up on the normal of aspects of life you missed while deployed. In the three months since you'd been away there was another royal scandal, the clicking of keys stopped drawing your attention away from the click bait article you'd been occupying yourself with.

Looking up you noticed how John rubbed his shoulder, sighing as he checked over his work before turning to you. When your eyes met he smiled and you practically melted, rolling the chair closer to his side in order to steal a kiss to the cheek before you lost him to his reports again.

"I'm almost done, love. Won't be long now." Your hand reached out to his, squeezing gently as you stood fingers sliding up his arm and the shoulder he'd been rubbing just moments prior. Wordlessly you added a small amount of pressure, both hands now gently massaging the tension away. John leaned back in his chair, head lulling to the side as his hands reached up to hold yours. In a matter of seconds he'd completely melted in his chair, blue eyes staring lovingly up at you.

"You've been sitting at this desk too long, dear." "Hmm if you keep this up I'll never get the reports done."

"That's the point."

Kyle 'Gaz' Garrick

Gaz always has an air of 'calm' surrounding him, it's the reason why you'd fallen in love with him. Even under pressure he never seemed to crack, though that didn't change the fact that even he could grow angry and frustrated.

Anger was often a result of exhaustion, nightmares, aching limps keeping him awake or the worst possible thing. Your young neighbours throwing a house party at 2am on a tuesday.

You'd hate to admit it but even you were growing tense with the near constant thudding of bass boosted music. The party did eventually end, only with police intervention. Which was probably for the best, because if either of you had gone next door it would not have been a nice encounter.

Even after the nights drama Gaz couldn't sleep, he'd continued to toss and turn next to you. No amounts of spooning able to quench the frustration he felt.

Gaz had gotten up to get a glass of water from the kitchen, you sat up listening to the sound of footsteps padding back into the room. He gave you an apologetic smile as he placed the glasses down, that's when you realised. He'd bought you water too. This man was far too sweet to be real.

"Sorry to wake you Sweetheart."

"Come 'ere"

Your voice was coated in sleep, soft and sweet as you reached out for him. As he knelt down on the bed he pulled you into a kiss, something soft and sweet hidden within all of his anger and frustration.

"Lay down."

"Is that an order?" He's smirking at you, you're rolling your eyes at him. Despite the sass he still lays down, on his stomach. Fingers tugging lightly at the shirt you wore, it belonged to him once upon a time. Doing your best not to accidentally knee Kyle in the ribs you straddled his back, hands running down his back.

"Don't be a shit, Kyle."

"Yes ma'am."

In a matter of seconds he was putty in your hands, muscles relaxing under your expert hands as they pushed out the knots in his back. Fifteen minutes later he was fast asleep, with you laying on his back like a weighted blanket. Both finally sleeping peacefully.

Simon 'Ghost' Riley

Ghost isn't the type to enjoy a massage, or any form of TLC really. The feeling of hands on his shoulders send him back to the battlefield, the weight on his back makes him feel like he's suffocating.

Even with you he's not fond of a massage, if you start to rub his shoulders or back he'll guide you into a a hug. Often smothering you in a cuddle, or returning the favour and offering to give you a massage instead.

What he does like however, is his hands being played with.

Simon can't explain it, but the feeling of your fingers gently pinching the pressure point between his thumb and forefinger is relaxing.

The movie had long since been abandoned, yet it still played softly in the background. You and Simon hadn't moved from the couch since dinner, takeout containers sitting empty on floor instead of being disposed of immediately. 'It won't hurt for the floor to be messy for a few hours' Simon had said, his attempt at keeping you on the couch successful. He'd sat with his back against the armrest, you between his legs so he could stop you from leaving. So you wouldn't have been able to say no either way.

Your hands had taken one of his, gently massaging away the ache that had settled in during the cool evening. He told you he was starting to get old, you rolled your eyes and reminded him that you're both the same age.

As the ending title began to play you shifted, releasing his hand as you attempted to get up. The same hand you'd been holding moments early snaking back around your waist and pulling you back to him.

"Where are you going?"

"To pee"

"I'm coming with you." At that comment you smack his hand, standing up.

"Clingy are we?"

Johnny 'Soap' MacTavish

Johnny is very much a head rub kinda guy, he would start world war three if it meant getting a head rub.

that's an exaggeration, he wouldn't.. unless- jk

He likes to sit in front of you on the couch while you play with his mohawk, normally he pulls your leg over his shoulder and will massage your calf or foot.

He doesn't want you to feel left out

but when he's stressed tho? like mega stressed all of the tension in his body goes to his neck. He ends up getting Migraines so bad he sits in a dark until they go away. When on a mission it's worse.

As the sun went down the chill in the safe house grew, huddling closer to the fire you waited for Soap to come out of the shower. He'd been in there for longer than usual, you could only assume that it was as a result of the exhaustion that had overtaken both of you.

If it wasn't for the chill that had set in you'd probably have fallen asleep in bed, but you'd wait for Johnny first. After all snuggling was the best way to achieve warmth, or so he liked to remind you. The door swung open behind you, footsteps skipping right past you as he flopped down on the bed.

It was clear as day and you knew the signs, he had one of those Migraines again.

"mo ghràdh.. I'm so tired."

"Come get into bed properly, love. Then you can sleep."

Once you were both snuggled up under the covers, your hand rested on the back of his neck. Thumb sliding up from his shoulder just to the base of his ear, adding a little pressure before going back to it's starting position.

"Y/N-"

"Shh, go back to sleep."

"Thank you.."

Within a few minutes you'd both drifted off to sleep.

[anvoo]

Hey, up so late? What you up to?

I was a bit restless, so I figured writing my thoughts down would help.

Sounds good. Go for it.

I wrote the part below on my phone (small text):

I'm thinking about Cat a bit rn. About how it'll be later on the 7th of July - our anniversary.

I guess I'm worried and catastrophizing a bit. I'm worried that she won't want me and the break anymore.

I sometimes worry or feel like it's a race against time, that I need to be better faster so that she wouldn't leave me. The thought of that just makes my chest tightens up.

And what if one of you just decides that you don't want the break anymore?

Well, I guess I'm single again if that happens. I'll still be on my path, or I'll kill myself (dramatization). For the latter, I'll be gone, so everything would just be meaningless then.

So, if I'll still continue down my path, I think I'll do just fine. I'm an interesting and funny guy, I'm doing my best to secure a stable career and future, and I'm working on myself. I'll probably find someone I'm interested in, and who's interested in me, and it'll be the start of something new then.

If we continue with our break, it'll be the same thing; the only difference is that Cat will kinda have special privileges in the auction for me :p

Both paths look pretty much identical, only with a slight difference later down the line.

So why am I so distraught over the idea? I think it's because I associate Cat's want "to be with me" as a measure of my self-worth and value, so not having that meant that the feelings I have towards myself would come crashing down. It's like a dam that's holding back my insecurities and negative feelings.

I have so much to say, to write, to think about, but my energy level in this moment isn't the highest, so I'll leave some for later.

It does make me sad to realize that at the roots of many of my sufferings lie the same issues and causes still.

No one said it would be easy or quick. These are deeply rooted things, and change takes a tremendous effort. It doesn't come at just a flick of the wrist.

Yeah, I understand. It takes time. I guess I'm somewhat happy that I'm able to slowly see the beauty in the process and my progress, that I'm doing bits and pieces better and better.

And that's how it's meant to be. Appreciate the progress that you've made and are making.

I'm not sure how I'm feeling right now, to be honest. In terms of progress and goals, I know where I want to head towards. It's concrete and straightforward. But about me and Cat, what do I want? I'll allow myself to indulge in these thoughts a bit.

I would say I do love and care for her. I do want to be with her, and I can imagine a future of us spending our lives together. I like her humor and how well we get along. I like that she's honest and straightforward with her emotions and feelings. I like that we can spend time together. I like her passion for cooking and food. I like that she is a good listener and that it fits well with me, someone who talks a lot (I really appreciate this). I like how open and vulnerable we can be with each other. I like how she makes me feel like I could talk to her about anything and everything. I admire her tenacity and determination. I like how much I trust her - it's proof of her actions throughout the time we've known each other. I like her voice. I like being close to her. I like that she likes my drawings. I like that she loves and cares for me. I think it's funny how some really crazy and weird coincidences have happened between us.

I think that I do want to be with her.

It's good that you can say that.

But I also understand and remember why we're on our break right now. It's a difficult period right now for us personally, and our capacity for things isn't high. Sometimes I wonder, can we be together in the moment still, while working on the things we want to work on? I think right now, at least for me, it would be difficult. I need my capacity to focus on building and keeping good routines and habits, to further my progress with my studies, my physical health, socializing, my hobbies, mental health,... Because of how my brain works and the "issues" that I talked about before, actively maintaining a romantic relationship right now would take too much out of me, and I wouldn't be able to progress with the goals above. My studies are incredibly important, and dictate my future, so that isn't something I can leave on the backburner. I have not yet convinced myself that I am capable of balancing my life out like that, so getting back together right now (08.06) with Cat isn't a decision that I believe in. Cat also has her own circumstances, so we're kind of in the same boat, one way or another.

A lot of my internal thoughts and feelings of self-esteem and self-worth reflect outwards. It's a case of "if I think I'm this, then others must also think I'm that". The same goes with the subject of me and Cat's romantic relationship and break. If I don't love or believe in myself, I tend to excessively worry that Cat won't love or believe in me either. To wrap up a bit my thoughts about Cat, I'll ask myself this question: "Do I think it's a good idea for me and Cat to end our break and reconnect right now?" - No, not yet. I would like more time. I know that she loves and cares for me and that she values and is really serious about us and our break, so we'll communicate throughout about how we're doing and our feelings and such. No need to worry or catastrophize, it's just stupid cavemen brain working against me. Unless something's changed, then that just means that our plan's still in motion, and we're just on our way :)

So what now?

Well, I have a few options.

To kill myself now, to spare further suffering. I would rather not do this.

To just not do anything and let things happen. I can more or less tell where this will lead me, and it's not somewhere I want to go. I'll rather go with option 1.

To continue with my goals and progress. I think this is the choice I want to go with. I think I'll be able to feel better and more confident in myself if I go along with this option. Confidence in self will allow me to do a lot of things: to feel better in my own skin, to have fulfilling hobbies and interests, to be secure in my professional life, to live with myself better (in my head), and to enjoy people's company.

[jafndaegur]

A Dazzling Catalyst for the Future

Zen x MC

Part One | Pro Figure Skater!MC AU

You'd been stuck at Rika's apartment for a few days now. Much to your coach's horror and your own chagrin. But you promised after the party you would still be able to make it to the Championships—grateful that this year they were held in Seoul—and that your "voluntary charity work" would not be getting in the way of your actual profession. After much insistence that this had been your idea and that you were not being held against your will, your coach had reluctantly allowed you to stay. Not like you really offered much of a choice. Seven ensured that.

But the illusion for both you, your coach, your sponsor, your curious fans. All of them were appeased at your spontaneous 11-day mission work you'd decided to partake in before the big day.

Speculators and sports announcers wondered if you were stalling the inevitable. At age twenty-six, you were basically on last tendrils of the sport. Some wondered if you would retire at twenty-eight, others figured this would be your last year.

The World Figure Skating Championships were no small deal after all.

This year's routines had been specialized for difficulty in particular to advance you as far as you could with just technical score... but with almost an entire two weeks away from the rink, you tried not to fear the worst.

Seven hardly allowed you to leave the apartment. Runs at the wee hours of the morning were all he risked, and only with complete tracking. Swallowing your pride you took what you could. Afterall, even as you tried your best—making impromptu workouts to take up the parts of the day not overrun with party business, and filling the rest of your time ceaselessly going over your choreography and jump sequences—your heart swelled as someone else tried his best.

Zen.

Out of the all RFA—without knowing who you were—he connected to you as a performer, entertainer, and storyteller before all else. He figured fast that you were an artiste of some sort. Although you didn't want to worry him with the fact that you desperately needed a place to practice, so you didn't mention exactly what sort of performer you were. When you sent a picture to the chatroom of the post-it notes you'd laid on the floor (which he claimed looked like the position tape on a stage) for your routine, it almost gave you away. Bit by bit, as you both talked and talked and talked, something else other than admiration wiggled it's way into your relationship. The smile in his voice gave it away whenever he called. Every pitter-patter of your heart betrayed yourself.

Every moment spent together whether in the messenger or in person nurtured a shy and fluttering romance.

Even when the world worked against you both with Echo Girl threatening Zen's career and Seven nearly blowing you to smithereens, still the passion and love flourished.

It wound its way around you both and tied you two in an inseparable and steadfast bow. Like laces on a pair of skates.

So as Zen sat chatting excitedly beside you during the night of the party, you couldn't shake the growing pit in your stomach. Tomorrow was the big day, not that the RFA party wasn't a big day, but this one...

Would there be another chance next year?

"Babe," Zen leaned down for you to hear him in the loud ambience of the lively atmosphere. "Your brow's doing that thing again. What's wrong?"

You worried your lip and wondered if you should just leave it be.

"Just tell me, MC." He laced his hand in yours, giving your arm a light encouraging tug.

You caved, not able to handle that soft upturn of his lips and the gentle furrow of his brows as he concentrated on you.

"I have a performance tomorrow afternoon."

No time passed before the panic swept over his face. "Why didn't you say anything?"

You shrugged weakly. "What could I do? It wasn't like I was allowed to leave until I was forced to... and then with the party—"

You hadn't even finished as Zen pulled you along. He spotted Jaehee in the crowd and called out to her. She waved at him and made her way over.

"Zen?"

"Jaehee, with all the trouble I caused, I shouldn't be asking this. But can you and Jumin cover for us?" Zen raised your hand a bit. "Please. It's urgent."

You tried to force away the blush on your cheeks.

She took one good look at you both before deflating just a bit, still Jaehee nodded and shooed you away. "Take the back exit. I'll make sure Mr. Han draws the reporters attention."

Giving your sincerest thanks, the two of you escaped out the back—surprisingly enough, someone as flashy as Zen could still be stealthy. He hailed a cab, and you both hopped in. Once you were seated, he took your hands in his and gave you a stern look.

"The minute we get home, you have to go to bed, m'kay? You need 8 hours of sleep and no less. What time do you need to be at the pre-performance rehearsal?"

You scratched the back of your head sheepishly. "There's only warm-ups. After that I'll be waiting with the other skaters until my routine."

"Wait," he murmured. "Skaters?"

"Yeah," you drawled, realizing you really probably should not have kept this a secret. "I'm a figure skater."

He stared at you for a moment before his hand braced his forehead in disbelief. "You're the missing skater they've been talking about on the news—your coach said you had a sudden change of heart and disappeared to do charity work before the competition started... That's why Jumin or Seven didn't want me announcing your name at the party."

"Unknown slipped me the phone on the way from the airport." You stared down at your hands. "This may very well be my last time on the ice as a skater. I can always take up coaching, but I had wanted one last chance to show...to prove..."

Your voice caught in your throat and you found that you couldn't find the words. Junior debut at fifteen, pro-debut at seventeen, you'd been chasing this dream of yours for as long as you could remember. And to fade into obscurity because you failed both programs in the last leg of your career tore at the flesh of your heart.

"Babe..." a mixture of emotions crossed his face. Anger, worry, frustration, it all painted that beautiful face of his before he exhaled and calmed. Wrapping his arm around your shoulder, he pulled you close. A silent camaraderie, his understanding of the things unsaid overwhelming you as you shook.

Needless to say, after a gentle kiss on the forehead, Zen guaranteed the moment you returned his place—you went almost instantly to bed.

...

You woke up alone in the bed. A half-hearted giggle worked it's way out of you as you went to the bathroom to wash up and get ready. The beast probably made him sleep on the couch.

You'd texted your coach ahead of time so he would bring your makeup and costume, you just needed to get ready and leave. You wondered if Zen had left for his own rehearsals when you found him hunched over his computer watching—to your chagrin—recordings of your past competitions. His chin rested on the back of his hands, and his lips pursed in an uncharacteristically serious frown. Honestly it was kind of cute.

You leaned against the doorframe, watching him with half-hooded eyes and a warm blossom in your chest. "Zenny?"

"Can I go?" He said, pulling his gaze from the computer to you. His hand reached out fingers outstretched to you. "I want to see your story unfold."

Your fingers interlocked with his and he tugged you over.

A smile seeped onto his face, and the determined look in his eyes sparked something bright and flashing in your stomach. "It's you MC, you won't go out with anything less than magnificence."

The confidence rushed you. If Zen cheered you on, there was nothing you couldn't do. "Of course you can come with." Your heart thundered in your chest, pounding against your ribcage as Zen jumped up with excitement to go get his motorcycle helmets. He was determined to get you to the rink earlier, you needed the best jump ahead of everyone if you didn't want to clearly display your disadvantage. The fact that he knew that, the fact that he took the time to study your style and technique and interpretation, the fact that he took the time to learn about you...

If you were going down after this, you were going down with Zen tracking the blazing wake of your passion. This story of yours wouldn't end on the ice, long after the fluttering tails of success faded from the limelight—a strong hand would continue to pull you forward into the conflagration of dazzling light. Because everywhere Zen went, he sparked a catalyst of inspiration.

And you wanted to do the same, with every spiral, with every leap, with every poise of grace. This sport had always been your dream, and into the future you were sure it would continue to be. Just now it was yours to share freely with the Adonis of Storytelling himself.

Clenching your fist, you grinned.

[teenagebeautyqueen]

[Image description: a young person holds a mobile phone with a blue case and a paper on the other. the paper has a drawing of an umbrella colored with the trans pride flag. we can only see their upper body. they are looking down and to the left of the image. they're smiling without showing their teeth, and look relaxed. they're wearing a black, loose hoodie and some shorts can be seen at the bottom of the picture. they're also using black nail polish. on the background there is a door and a star wars poster. the other image is a close up of the paper. end ID]

🌈ʜᴇ/ᴛʜᴇʏ🌈

happy trans day of visability to all my fellow trans*!! here is me and my project for peace's day... i personally love it. it's on spanish, but i'll translate it for y'all.

the text on the left says "cada persona que conoces está luchando una batalla de la que no sabes nada. sé amable. siempre", which is the translation of that quote that goes like "every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. be kind. always".

the one on the right says "¿qué sentido hay en pelear? ¿por qué insistimos en sabotearnos mutuamente? Todos caminamos por el mismo sendero embarrado, todos nos dirigimos al mismo final." its translation is something like "what's the point on fighting? why do we insist on sabotage each other? we all walk the same muddy path, we are all headed for the same end."

and above the umbrella there's words like "odio", "acoso", "ignorancia" & "discriminación", which mean "hatred", "harassment", "ignorance", and "discrimination".

yeah i'm very subtle.

i've decided to share my story with the world. but i got kinda carried away. it's not s fairy tale, so don't read it if you're sensitive to themes like bullying, mental health issues, and toxic people.

——————————————————————

it's been... one ride of a journey, to say the least. i've said a few times that i started to question my gender around summer. but that's not quite true.

growing up, i never was fond of... anything that i associated with femenine, really. this included, but wasn't limited to, any color that wasn't blue (pink and purple get a special mention, i despised them), flowers, clothes too loose or too tight, shorts if they weren't from some sport, etc. i think you get the idea.

this collided with me being afab (aka a girl for everyone including myself) & neurodivergent. i wanted nothing to do with those things. but society wanted me to love them.

5 yo me said she didn't like Monster High. 5 yo female classmate said i was a weirdo. 7 yo me loved football. 7 yo male classmate said i couldn't play because i was a girl. 9 yo me hyperfixated on minecraft. 9 yo pretty much every classmate called me a geek.

so i stoped trying. for a while, i loved pink, wanted to have rapunzel's hair, watched disney channel, etc. but i already was the weirdo. i remember being three and friends with all of them. i remember playful fights for the toy rocket and reading books with the only other boy who could read, to ourselves, each other, and the whole class. but people grow up, and they change. so yeah, i was bullied. always the last one to be chosen, left alone on the bus rides, on my own at the playground.

and you'll be thinking "that sucks, but pao, how is it related to you being trans?"

you'll see, i didn't have many friends. i was kinda alone until i turned 7. then two new kids came to my class. let's call them eva and john. i made friends with them asap. i loved them so much!! they were my first friends since kindergarden. so i allowed myself to let go. i was already hated by most of my peers. why wouldn't i be myself with those who didn't despise me? (i was 7 when i thought this. 7 years old, and i thought that out of 20 people, 18 hated me. and then people wonder why i've got self-steem issues lmao. i'm tryna make the point that bullying in primary school isn't just some mean kids calling you names. i'm currently in high school and it still has its mark on me. but that's for another moment.)

so yeah. i went "wild". eva has adhd too (noice, right? i mean she has her diagnosis becaise she's primarly hyperactive, while i'm primarly inattentive, but we understood each other way quickier than with neurotypicals– even if i didn't know why yet), and john was kinda shy & corpulent (he wasn't fat, but he didn't look slim either), just like me. so we became friends. and i slowly opened up a little, while still playing my role of "the freak kid". i knew i was seen as that AND as the smart kid. double pressure, double bullying. but i had my small circle. it evolved until my current friend group, in which, god bless, there's a trans girl!! (eva's still on it– she's my best friend and i would die for her, no doubts. john can go fuck himself, the goddamned fascist).

but it ain't that easy. it never is. i'm 14 and afab. shit happens. y'all get it.

my first period happened while i was on a school trip (bad), on a hotel with no pads avaliable (very bad), on another country so i couldn't call my mum unless i had wifi because politics & stuff– and i did not have wifi (really bad). cue a lot of dysphoria (even if i didn't know it was that) + not being able to contact anyone. add the fact that i was the second one to have it, and it was some kind of taboo– it meant the other girls wouldn't leave me alone, and the result is clear: one of my worst panic attacks ever, on a tiny bathroom of some shitty hotel room.

from there it went downhill. my body started to become femenine, and the football short didn't make my hips smaller. my face, my oh so alarged face, suddenly became rounder. puberty hit me not only physically, but emotionally. and if that wasn't enough, we, as a class, were entering what's called here "the turkey age", a.k.a. teenagerhood, where looks become even more important. it didn't take long until i hated my body.

[WARNING: from here, this gets hard. mentions of eating disorders, depressive episodes/thoughts, toxic enviroments, homophobia/transphobia (both internalized and external), anxiety attacks, and thoughts of self-harm]

i thought "it's big, it shouldn't be big, it's fat. besides i don't want it to grow so fast. i want to make it stop growing. how? well, i grow up by eating. no eating=no growing".

yeah. eating disorder. when i think about it, i want to laugh. because it only took a few comments and "jokes" for me to be so angry at myself when i should be mad with them. i'm big. always have been, very likely always will. i've been told that i could make a very good rugby player. i probably would. i shared my cantine table with people (😔). and they wouldn't shut up. "[deadname], the rest wants to eat too!", "look at [deadname], she's gonna eat it all!". things like that. i stoped eating. i would pick up the smallest amount of food i could, even if my stomach was begging me to please eat something. eventually, my mum found out. and she helped me to grow out of it. i sometimes releapse, but never for that long. because i went on a whole year like that. and it sucked.

so, last year. socially anxious neurodivergent girl with several doubts on her sexuality gets to eight grade.

i play basketball. since i was little. i used to enjoy it a lot. we weren't a team– we were a family. loved 'em so much, 1000/10 one of the best things of my life. BOOM. now you're old enough & good enough to be on the "good" team. in the good time there's the cool kids. i am not a cool kid. oops. i was left behind, they all laughed at my back, no one cared about me (except one girl, but she was in the group and was scared to act until almost the end of the year. love her for that tho). i felt like shit. i was too scared to go to train. the sight of a ball scared me, because i couldn't help but think everyone was talking shit about me. we went to a national championship and when they went out to the city, they didn't tell me, then sent a pic of them having fun to the groupchat & delated it saying "oops it was for the other group". i had several breakdowns on my room that night. it was such a bad experience i can't even hear the name of the city without tearing up.

not to count that a new girl decided to make my life a living hell. now i know how to deal with her, but then i didn't, and i ended up curled up on the bathroom floor crying.

all while i discovered my own identity. i was so scared of being non-straight i hated myself for it.

it was a tough year and there were times where i would wish i'd never existed. it was too much for me to deal with, and i was just miserable. but i got out of it. remember the trans girl i mentioned? she's closeted, and she told me just this october. but even before that, she was my friend. she bought a new life to it all, a fresh one. i owe her a lot, including accepting myself as i am.

she is here, despite everything.

i am here, despite everything.

you are all here, despite everything.

some of us aren't here. they are the ones we remember. each one of us has our history. i shared mine with you all. it is not an easy road. you know that. it's hard, and it's tough, and it's difficult, and it's unfair.

but we are here, despite everything. the ones who made it, the ones who didn't, the ones who are halfway through it, and the ones who are to come.

we are here. we are trans. and we won't be erased.

[thegingertrekkie]

Lost in a Dream World

Part 2: new companions

"Yuuei island?" You laughed but your smile wavered when you saw how serious Midoriya was. "I was just in Japan! Midoriya, I fell through a portal a little kid made with their quirk! Maybe they sent me to a different universe or something... You gotta help me get back!"

The green haired teen was looking at you with a scared and confused expression, backing away again. Your face fell, he didn't believe you. You found your phone in your pocket and quickly found a picture of you and your Midoriya. In the picture you were both holding your provisional licenses, happy tears Midoriya's eyes and a huge smile on your face. You shoved the device towards this new Midoriya "See? This is me and you from my universe!"

Midoriya's eyes got wide and he held your phone carefully in his hands "This is the smallest magic mirror I've ever seen" he breathed and then started muttering in his typical Midoriya way. You moved to stand next to Midoriya and used your finger to swipe at the screen changing the picture, he gasp and looked at you in awe. You were glad you had so many pictures from the sports festival that he could look at. "What am I like in your world?" Midoriya asked, not looking up from the image on the screen.

"Amazing..." you responded quietly, taking your phone out of the blushing boy's hands. "And I really need to get back to my world..."

Midoriya nodded "I'll do what I can, but I can only take you to the edge of the kingdom. Magic is harder to come by here than it is in your world, but there are rumors of powerful spell casters in the next kingdom. You'll probably want to start asking over there for a way to get home. We should get going, There's a village not too far from here. We should get you a weapon and some clothes so you don't stand out so much..." he eyed your hero costume and you blushed.

"I dress like this because it best suits my quirk, ok?" you didn't know why you were getting defensive "look I'll show you."

You put your phone away and took a step back, then lifted your hand to activate your quirk...but nothing happened. Midoriya raised an eyebrow and you tried to activate your quirk again... And again nothing.

"Is something supposed to happen or...?"

"Shut up! It's not working and I don't know why"

You were frustrated, waving your arms around like a madman. Midoriya looked concerned again, but stepped toward you and put a hand on your shoulder.

"Maybe it's because you're here? Don't worry we'll get you back home and everything will go back to normal... Now come on, it's about an hour until we reach the village."

You both walk in silence for a little while, letting your situation sink in. You are stuck in a strange fantasy world and you might not be able to go home. Midoriya asked about his other self and you shared everything with him. 'You might not see him again' you thought 'maybe you won't see any of them again' Tears started to flow and you wiped them away quickly, but they kept coming. You let out a small sob and Midoriya looks back at you.

"Ah! W-w-what's wrong?? Why are you crying? It's ok, it's ok" Midoriya slowly reaches up to hold your face but pulls back, unsure. Then he hugs you tightly, his rough hand holding the back of your head. Your world's Midoriya never embraced you this way before so you're caught off guard.

"Midoriya?"

"It's ok (y/n)" you could feel his breath against your ear, your face was hot. "I'll get you the next kingdom as fast as I can, you'll be home soon"

He gave you a tight squeeze before stepping back and continuing along the path towards the village. You made small talk until the trees started to thin out. Midoriya motioned for you to wait, and then handed you his sword.

"We shouldn't draw too much attention to ourselves and you definitely stand out... Wait here I'll be right back."

You watched him walk away, he turn back and waved goodbye to you once. There was a slight blush on his freckled cheeks. You sat down under the nearest tree and looked up at the sky, it was still about midday. How long would it take for Midoriya to come back? He said he'd be "right back" so probably not too long. You probably spent about an hour trying to activate your quirk. Getting increasingly frustrated with yourself. You heard Bakugou's voice in the back of your head calling you weak, and you fell asleep wondering if everyone from your class had doppelgangers in this world.

There was a familiar hand shaking you awake. You groaned, pushing the small hand away. "Uraraka..." You grumbled, rubbing the sleep from your eyes "it's not time for class yet is it?"

The girl gasped and mumbled something to the person next to her. It was already starting to get dark, and your eyes had to adjust. It was Uraraka alright, but not your Uraraka. The brunette was wearing a pink hooded shaw over a cotton dress and was holding a long wooden staff. You squeaked when the tip of a sword was shoved in your face.

"Identify yourself and explain how you know my companion's name"

You opened your mouth to respond but was cut off by the sound of Midoriya's yelp.

"Wait! Waaaaaait!" Midoriya called waving his hands in the air "They're with me, Iida!"

Iida raised an eyebrow and lowered his sword. You slumped against the tree and clutched your chest. If he hadn't just been threatening you, you would've been amused by your class president dressed up like a knight. He was still wearing his glasses, you choked back a chuckle and he glared at you.

"Explain yourself Midoriya. It's not like you to travel with such... Flamboyant company" Iida gestured toward your hero outfit and it was your turn to shoot the taller boy a glare.

Midoriya did his best to explain your situation to Uraraka and Iida. Uraraka quickly believed him and took your hands in hers "That's so sad!" She exclaimed "we'll help you! If magic was stronger I would send you back myself!"

Iida took more convincing and you had to pull out your phone again. Scrolling through the pictures you had of your friends. Their eyes were wide "A tiny magic mirror!" Uraraka squealed.

"I've never seen one so small" Iida stated, holding the phone in his hand and adjusting his glasses. Using his finger Iida experimentally swiped across the phone screen and changed the picture. "You don't appear to be lying. So I will also accompany you to the edge of the kingdom and aid you in your journey home."

[pbandjesse]

Im having a sleepy day. But i have the heat on and im on my flannel pjs and im drinking a milkshake out of my cactus cup and things are good.

Since it was the day after an overnight it's a 10 hour work day and a day off all in one. So tha2gs pretty nice. And i did sleep okay last night. I was just really tired so that helped. I stayed up and talked to Jordan for a bit but it was raining and cold and i was looking forwaed to getting some rest.

I keep losing my new chapstick. Last night somehow misplaced it and I spent almost a half an hour looking for it. I got in change so I thought maybe I dropped it there. I was in and out of the ship and Museum and I was everywhere. I couldn't find it. I eventually found it in the goat Locker where the lost and found is. Because I taken a hoodie that was in there. And then the box of Lost and Found stuff fell on top of me so it must have knocked my Chapstick under the ground at some point while I was in there cleaning it up. I was just glad to find it again.

It was a very cold last night. I was okay and my sleeping bag and extra flannelly blanket. But I still got woken up a few times because I was Tangled or my sock fell off. When I woke up at 2 a.m. to use the bathroom somebody's phone was going off and just making all this noise. So I had to go and find the person. And I ended up just pulling their phone out of their sweatshirt pocket that was hanging up on the wall and turning the phone off. And then at some point there was a big crash. It sounds like it came from above us and no one came down to see what was going on or tell us something that happened so Jordan.

I felt okay in the morning when my alarm went off. I went and got washed and fix myself up. I mostly just court all the clothes I brought so still very cold. And then I went to make the breakfast and Jordan went to wake everybody up. It was an okay morning. Cold still. Not as rainy. I did the gun drill and had the kids run the actual program themselves. Calling the commands and stuff. It's a one little girl was so small and have the softest voice. It was a very funny seeing her do all the commands. But she did a really good job. We're under the gun drilled 5 or 6 times and they got really fast by then. It was fun watching them do it. The mom was dropped one of the employment in the harbor but she didn't so it was all good.

Jordan to the firing. We had a misfire for the first one again probably just because of water in the barrel. And then I finish cleaning up. And everybody went home. Me and Jordan were there until about 9:30 finishing paperwork and helping Frank clean. It was a fine day. I somehow lost my Chapstick again. But I didn't end up finding it was all the way down on the ship. While I was walking around the ship I was looking for trash and just making sure everything was away and I was in the hold and I notice that there is a big piece of wood on the ribs. That I don't remember being there. I'm staring at it for a while and I'm like could that be what made the sound last night? And I just couldn't figure out if I remember it being there. But I decided I would just let Jordan know.

I go upstairs and I tell Jordan hey like I don't know did you hear that bang and he thought maybe it was the sign that's on the top deck which sometimes does get knocked over which make the sound. But he said he would go look. He was like that was not there. So I went down and take pictures of it which is what you see above. And we sent them to Amy and to the site manager and they were like well that's not good so yeah a big piece of consolation fell down last night. No idea what they'll do about that.

We headed back over to take me to drop everything off. During help me finish my quiz that I had to fix. And then I bite home. I looked crazy because I had my blanket wrapped around me. Because my jacket wasn't warm enough to keep the rain out. But I got home and I wasn't too Frozen or wet. I got a shower and I made an egg sandwich. And I got into bed. James had gone to go get his bike fixed but he was going to come see me right afterwards. And he got here around noon.

I have been home for over an hour at that point but I just wasn't able to fall asleep. I think because I knew he was coming and my brain was just like got to stay awake. Can't waste the day. Because I knew he had to go to an overnight at 4. So we weren't getting a lot of time today and tomorrow is going to be very similar. But he came and we laid in bed and talked. It was really nice to see him. I had a weird moment where I was so delirious and he didn't look like himself for a second. And it kind of threw me off. But it was really nice being with him. And eventually I was able to fall asleep.

We got out of bed around 2 and went to work at my studio. It's easier to keep that room warm in the daytime when I need to be doing work rather than sit in the living room. My bedroom is okay to heat but the living room is a little hard with having the big hole in the ground to leading to the basement. So we work down there and I work on necklaces while he took photographs of pieces that are going up on the app see. I worked on the fantasy hockey boys drawing. He helped me figure out which ones I needed to change. And it was fun looking at the actual photos with him compared to my interpretations. I got a big kick out of that. He says he's going to share it with the guys he's playing the league with. So I'm excited to hear that feedback as well. It's such a silly little project but I'm really enjoying doing it. I like thinking my pencil drawings. But I don't usually have much inspiration for drawing so having a solid project was nice.

James left here around 3 so he can get something to eat and I haven't up ordering take-out that I regretted. I mean it was fine I just don't really want to eat as much fried food as I have been. So I'm going to make an effort to not eat out as much this week or at least not fried things. Like soup and stuff will be okay, salads. But the last two things I've gotten eating out I felt bad about. I did get a big enough Pizza that I can have two more meals out of it so I don't feel as bad about how much it cost but I still am trying to not eat as much greasy food. Because she's making me feel bad. I'm going to go to the grocery store in the morning and get eggs and cheese. I'll probably try to get some like quick races as well and maybe some soup so I won't have to buy things outside of my apartment.

I spent basically the rest of the night in my studio. I worked on art for a while. And I painted a little. I cuddled with sweet pea a lot and I started reading. It was like the first day since what feels like the spring that I've had the brain power or attention span to actually read. So that was nice. I really hope that I can get that back because while I had a great summer it's been a little hard that I haven't been actually reading. Cuz I love reading. But yeah it was just a nice night and my studio. I came up here about an hour ago and I've been watching videos and I made a milkshake. I think I'm going to do my eyebrows and get ready for bed. Tomorrow I want to wake up early so I can go to the store and then come back here. James is going to come back here after his over night. And if all goes according to plan we're going to carve our pumpkins finally. Because Halloween is in two days 3 days? We really need to get that. It's nice having pumpkins around but I would really like to carve them. But I'm just hoping for a nice day with my favorite boy. And hopefully I won't be cold and I can be comfortable and make fun things and it will be a good day. I hope you all have a good night tonight. Sleep well. Stay warm. Have fun.

[existentialstatesofmind]

Opening Up

Clare: often found new books online by browsing through suggestions of similar reads to past favorites. She was sure this wouldn’t be much different. “I like that feature already. The biggest problem I run into is looking for paranormal romance and getting horror. Yeah if the cover looks gory or violent, I won’t get it.” She grinned at him. “Thank you, if you really don’t mind helping me out. We probably will be using a wok. Unless they are worried about grease fires.” Clare became uneasy at the thought. “There are so many distractions in a classroom and I have slow reflexes.” She laughed nervously. “No problem. We’ll get along fine. I just have to warn Alli.” Her best friend was more outgoing than she was and could easily become defensive. Clare remembered how Alli had taken an immediate dislike to Jenna. Once she made up her mind about someone it was difficult to change it. “Good! I was starting to miss the days when I didn’t care about my appearance and would wear whatever I wanted even if it caused me to be made fun of.” She chuckled. “Yay!” She enthusiastically responded to going to a Cultural Festival. “What is Host Cafe?” Clare knew if it had anything to do with drinking the schools were going to say no. “Oh my god.” She squealed. “If we are doing this, we have to go all out! No point in doing something with so much potential half assed. You have to wear an apron with a big satin bow tying it in the back, gloves, high heels, maid headpiece and feather duster. Everything allowed. Thigh highs with the garter might be against the rules. Though I’d pay money to see you, Kota. Of course I’ll gladly wear a male waiter costume which is probably a vest over a button down shirt, black slacks, a bowtie, and men’s shoes. Can’t forget those. I’m going to have to buy a wig. What color should I go with? I want straight hair too that will make me look different. Maybe Alli and I can draw fake mustaches on each other! I think that would look better than one you glue on. I wonder if I can trick her into letting me give her a goatee?” She grinned mischievously. “I know. I just wasn’t sure how much you trusted him with. I’m glad he’s not like your brothers, you need someone to confide in besides me. So we let everyone think whatever they want? But I don’t have to lie?” Clare was glad she didn’t have to confirm any rumors that might make their way back home. She didn’t care about being thrown out of Jesus Club, however, Clare couldn’t let her parents find out she dared to sleep in the same bed as a boy (even if they weren’t doing anything other than sleeping). “Technically it’s an Irish Claddagh ring.” She doubted many girls would ask the meaning behind it. “I’m not ready emotionally, and I make no promises when I will be. Emi’s good birth control. I love her but I couldn’t take care of her full time like you do. My family’s a mess, I’d have zero support, and a baby is a lot more work. I don’t want us to resent each other because we had to miss out being a normal teenagers. I’m going away for college, I want to live in a dorm and be independent.” If she really got pregnant at 16, her parents and especially Darcy (who looked down on teen moms) would pressure her into giving the baby up for adoption but Clare saw no reason to bring that up. She nodded. “We’ll table it. I obviously am not comfortable with relying on a condom either, I’d have to come up with a way to get around needing parental permission. Or Mom’s head would explode.” Clare didn’t want Kota to change his mind later on and break up with her for a girl who was on birth control. There was nothing she could do about it though. “Seriously? That might be your best kept secret. I mean I have seen tabloid articles with headlines like Melanie Martinez goes on a weekend rendezvous with her younger man! But they never mentioned Toronto.” Clare didn’t feel stupid for not recognizing her own city or Kota if he’d ever been caught on camera too because no one else at school did either. Mostly Clare thought those articles were bogus. But sometimes they guessed Melanie was in some exotic location with an upcoming actor who had a baby face but was really 25. She listened to their crazy adventures, and more they could possibly have. She could never be apart of that. But that was okay. At least she was finally getting to go somewhere AND currently hanging out with Melanie Martinez! Clare smiled. “It won’t be a free for all but it will be parentless.” She walked out of the office and looked at Melanie before answering Kota. “How about starting with Yohio’s lab?”

Kota: looked at Clare when she mentioned paranormal romance and getting horror. "They classify paranormal as supernatural and I've read one supernatural romance that I liked. It didn't have horror, but it was also adult." he explained. "I'm not sure, to be honest I haven't heard of them using a wok, but if you go to someone's house to learn they may use a wok." he shrugged. He listened to her talk about warning Alli and nodded, then laughed when she mentioned her clothes. "A host club is basically a legal form of prostitution without the prostitution. We'd have to wear suits and look nice, the customer will get a list of names of who's on duty and pick which one they want to be with. We'd have to sit with the customer or customers while they eat, we'd be able to drink soda or something with them and we'd have to do what they say. If a girl tells me to flirt with her, I'd have to or we'd lose money. I'd have to kiss her hand regardless though, when the customers leave a kiss on the hand is a proper goodbye." he explained the best he could. Hearing Clare go on about the cafe causing him to shake his head. "You can't do any of that. Everything is supplied by the school. The outfits are decided by votes, the ones that get the most votes are what we will be wearing and they're handmade by our class. The wigs will be provided by the theater committee, the shoes will also be provided for us by the school. You and Alli cannot have facial hair of any sort, you'd have to look like a high school boy and there will already be someone to do your make up and mine. Who knows they may only straighten and style your hair, there are guys with long hair at school. To be honest, I do my hair differently in Japan, there are times when Natsumi stood on a chair and tied my bangs for me with a band on the top of my head. It looked like a small ponytail and it's not uncommon for guys to do that there like it is here." he assured. "No we don't have to lie. If they know you're a virgin who cares? If they think we're having sex, let them." he said honestly. He didn't correct anyone either, he just let them think what they wanted. "I feel the same, I'm not emotionally ready and I don't know when I will be either. I'm actually going to community college because most dormitories won't allow Emi to live with me in them and who's to say if and when my aunt will come back for her. When I graduate Degrassi, I'm getting an apartment to live in wherever I go to school and I'm going to bring Emi apartment shopping with me. If my aunt comes and gets her by then I'll stay in a dorm. I do know that newborns cry a lot and not all of them sleep through the night so continuing high school with a child is nearly impossible and it would be just as impossible to go to an actual college like we want, we'd have to go online and that would suck a lot. I don't plan on having sex until I'm able to take responsibility for whatever happens." he smiled at her and kissed her cheek. "We can worry about that later and I don't think you'll need to get your mom's permission for birth control. I'm not planning on being ready while I'm still in high school so there's no need to worry about that." he said honestly and listened to her. "No, we were in Cali when that happened so don't worry about recognizing the city. I'm able to take small trips between here and America when I want as long as my mom knows. Plus they didn't really get my face, I wore dark glasses and a hat so they couldn't get my face." he confirmed. As Clare spoke, he looked around his office to make sure he had everything and smiled. "Yohio's lab it is." he said before hearing his phone ring and answering it. "Great, I've been trying to call you." he chimed to the person on the other end. "I'm bringing my girlfriend when I bring the jacket to you so..." he trailed off and listened. "That'd be perfect. I'll make sure she's free and I'm willing to pay you back for this. Her name is Clare and please whatever you do don't embarrass her. If you do the IOU you have against me will be null and void." he stated in the phone and smiled. "Great and ok, I'll put paper in my fax machine so you can fax whatever you need to." he smiled. "Ok, I'll see you then and I promise not to tell her. Love ya too." he chuckled and hung up the phone. "Clare, keep your schedule clear for next Saturday. We apparently have plans and I'm not sure what's going to happen since I'm in debt to someone right now." he explained. "Ah, debt that you need to pay with your body." Mel laughed jokingly. "That's not funny, for all I know she could be planning something and though she won't make me her slave I'm still unable to find out what she has up her sleeve." he sighed and stood up. "To Yohio's office." he chimed and lead them down a corridor. "We can't go inside due to the fact he's working and if we scare him or the chemist it could cause problems." he informed and stopped to press a button on the elevator. "What is he making?" Mel asked. "Perfume." Kota answered. "We're selling it in the store downstairs and in Japan first. If the perfume sells well, we'll build him a lab in Japan." he added as they got on the elevator and he pressed the button for the third floor. "The girl you were on the phone with, do I know her?" Mel asked. "Not personally, but you know who she is." he said. "That could be anyone." Mel sighed. "I'll tell you who it is later." he said. "Maybe she just wants to hang out." Mel shrugged. "That's a possibility. I have only been able to hang out with her in America so maybe she wants me to give her a tour of Toronto." he sighed in relief as the elevator stopped and he lead them to a big window. "This is Yohio's lab." he said looking through it to see Yohio and waved at him, in turn Yohio waved back wearing a hooded lab coat, hospital mask, rubber gloves and protective glasses. "Where to next?" he asked.