anvoo - Tumblr blog

[anvoo]

Choose for yourself what you want

I'll take it seriously. I'm losing my mind staying stuck like this. I'll probably want and actually kill myself eventually if things just stay like this anyway, so why make myself suffer through that?

But other hand, if I actually want to live and do better, I need to start now. Cause if I get to that point, I won't be able to do that anymore.

[anvoo]

I miss Cat a bit right now.

I worry about her, I wonder if she's doing ok. She has moments where she feels really bad and lonely, and now when I'm not around, I worry about her.

That's a really kind thing and loving to feel.

I guess it is, yeah.

But if I take a small step back and look at reality, I think that she'll do ok. She's built up routines that help her function and are her pillars,

she's starting therapy,

she's slowly but surely burning through the "negative firewood", and while it is smokey in the moment, it'll clear up.

she's got her family,

and if things are really difficult, she knows that I'm there for her too.

I think she'll do ok. Suffering and going through hardships is how we learn, grow, and do better. She's going through that process, and I'm happy for her.

I'm happy and proud of myself for being capable of such love and care, and also am thoughtful and mature.

Me too. It's a great thing to be able to do and feel. Nownow, what about you? Talk to me a bit later yeah?

Ok, promise.

==

No need to fear the future so much that I try and prune or filter my feelings, just let them be! I know that if I try my best to be a kinder person, the future would also look kind and happy and I'll be ok, no matter what happens!

It's from within, not external circumstances. It's from within.

[anvoo]

Sometimes I'm afraid of changing, of doing different and new things that I know are good to me.

Part of me is afraid that it'll mean that I'll forget about Cat.

Do you really think that'll happen?

No, of course not. But me staying stuck and numb doesn't mean that I'm "preserving" the memories or importance, either. It's the opposite, really. I'm using her and memories of her so much as a tool to survive, to escape, and that's not what I want. I want to be kinder than that.

I feel like, that fear is a part of a bigger one. I'm afraid of changes, of the unknown. Even though I know it's good for me, I'm afraid still. It's so much easier just staying the same.

I understand. I'm here with you. Sometimes, that's all I can do, it's my first time living life too and I don't have the answers to all your problems, but I'll try my best to be there for you.

Thank you.

It's shit feeling numb, physically tired and stomach aches, feeling stuck,... but sometimes I would choose that still, cause of the fear of the unknown.

I'm suddenly reminded of this saying or quote somewhere,

Sometimes, all you need is 20 seconds of insane courage.

[anvoo]

A moment of perspective right now at around 20:30.

I'm sorry to my dad that I made him worry so much about me. He was always around and supported me to the best of his abilities, and I'm really touched by that.

Life is long and there's a lot for me to look forward to. It'll be ok. Tomorrow, next week, next month, next year, next years, will come.

I'll be ok.

[anvoo]

05.12.2023

I'm sad right now. Breaking up cause we both aren't doing great mentally feels terrible. Love still exists on both sides, and we both still have hope that in the future we will try again, it feels like we were and are meant to be, but we just aren't right now. There is of course a certain tragic beauty to it. The love, feelings, and hope never got any closure, so it draws often the paintings of "what if", of "maybe in the future", of "revisiting in a future date",... And then, I have moments when I'm hurting and I try to rationalize and figure myself out completely, if this is because I really love her so much or if I'm just emotionally dependent and needing a romantic relationship to survive.

It's a mix of both, but what's the ratio, I don't think I have an answer to this question right now, and I don't think it matters right now.

It's ok to feel sad, to miss her, to think and hope in a future, to feel like this. The love and hope will probably stay on my mind for a while, but that's ok; it's just how it is.

==

But I think it's important to remind myself of the reason why I chose this and think it's the right decision:

It hurts me in the present and makes it difficult for me to focus on my well-being and happiness.

Right now I have the chance to understand myself better and deal with my dependency issues, so I wouldn't doubt myself so much.

I get to put more effort into myself so I would be happier.

I cherish our feelings for each other and the tragic beauty of it. I do hope a lot right now for a future:

I hope I am happier and more progressed with my goals. I won't feel the need to escape and needing a romantic relationship to feel ok.

I hope I am kinder, more self-loving, and more confident so that I can handle any situation that comes my way.

If I still wish for it later, I hope that me and Cat could be in contact. She's a caring and kind person.

I hope to be happy, and since we still have feelings and hope for each other, it's natural and ok for me to hope and think a bit about a maybe "us" in the future.

I don't think hopes are bad, but it has all to do with what we'll do with those hopes.

The way we are, it's most likely that me and Cat will talk again in the future, and it warms my heart a bit. It's not forgetting or losing, but living more in the moment and going after happiness in the present.

I'll progress with my goals so that I could be kinder, more self-loving, more confident, happier. Then, if I still wish to, I would contact Cat again and it'll feel right. And then, no matter what happens, I would be happy still.

My happiness isn't wholy dependent on my romantic relationship and it's not something that validates or proves me, it's simply an addition to my life.

If we do choose to get back together, it'll be built on stronger, better foundations; if we don't choose so, then there are plenty of other people who can be a good fit for me, and I know I'm deserving and capable of giving and receiving so much love <3

Cat isn't an "if all else fails" option or backup plan for me, that's me betraying my own kindness cause of insecurities, and that's not who I am or want to be. I'm kind, and I will be even kinder.

Just because Cat hopes to talk and maybe try again in the future, doesn't mean that you have to hope and wish so also, you know.

What you want, what you hope and wish for, is for you to find out and answer to yourself. (Don't just use someone else's haha.)

I wish to be happy. Later when we talk again, if I'm still in the same place, I'll be unhappy no matter what, and vice versa - if I'm in a better place, if I am a kinder person, I'll be happy no matter what.

It's not the outcome or future event that determines my happiness, it's what actions I choose to take for myself now that will bring me that. There's not much to think about, and it often goes in circles anyways.

Life is long and there's a lot for me to look forward to. It'll be ok. Tomorrow, next week, next month, next year, next years, will come.

I'll be ok.

[anvoo]

Time for plannings and moving forward! Move towards the future, happiness, and kindness! :> I'm looking forward, I'm hopeful, I'm positive.

[anvoo]

Me and Cat

Why did we break up? Cat's side: Cat right now struggles a lot with her own anxiety, mental health, and self-love. The routines that she has keep her functioning and surviving, and disruptions to them can really make her spiral and emotionally distressed.

My side: I struggle also with my own anxiety, mental health, and self-love. I escape from reality into a romantic relationship easily, I feel really emotionally dependent on it to survive and feel ok, I struggle to build routines that I need to function and survive, and disruptions to this process make it difficult for me to build these routines. I need them to survive and to function.

When it's a good day and we both are in a stable state of mind, we have a great time together and it's really nice, but when it's a bad day and we are both struggling, it could be really emotionally distressing and damaging to our well-being.

I cherish the connection that we have. I'm happy that we broke up on a good note and that our feelings and hopes for each other are still alive and heartfelt. The feelings and hopes that we share are precious to me, and being able to have them in my memory fondly, it's heart-warming. It's a bit sad and tragic in its own way, but I'm happy that it is like this.

I don't want to lose sight of the present and what's important. I want to be a kinder person. I see myself and my future being so much happier and more hopeful, and I look forward to that so much. I know I can do it. The present is also where everything is happening and where my happiness is decided. I want to do things that bring me fulfillment and a sense of accomplishment. Why escape or run when I know I can do well and feel good instead?

I'll stay open to whatever the future holds. I can't tell the future or say for sure whether or not something will happen, so I shouldn't worry too much about it. How likely or less likely, even though it may seem calculatable, it's really not. It's like asking if this or that is the right decision, but truthfully speaking, you wouldn't be able to say until the end of time. There is of course hope for "us" in the future, I'll do my best to stay open to all possibilities and to not forget the points above. But firstly, I want to be a kinder person, so that any decision I make, whether it's to contact Cat again, to be friends or have any kind of setup, or to revisit the idea of a relationship,... It'll be from a place of kindness, self-love, and care.

[anvoo]

Addressing my insecurities and fears about Cat's processing of her previous breakup:

Cat doesn't regret breaking up with them and she knows it was the right choice:

Misaligned future wants ( her knowing for sure that she doesn't want to live in that apartment, that city, while it's the opposite for Cat's previous relationship...) Letting feelings, relationship, and hopes die out completely (living like roommates, sleeping on different beds at the end,...) ...

The pain, anxiety, self-hate resurfacing are just the consequences and time-skipped damage of her not having handled that situation well.

This really isn't as big of a problem as it appears in my mind. Cat right now struggles a lot with her own anxiety, mental health, and self-love, and this is just one of the many factors that create self-hate and/or anxiety. The routines that she have keep her functioning and surviving, and disruptions to them can really make her spiral and not feel ok.

Just like her other challenges like anxiety, stress from work, wanting more friends,... none of it affected or changed her love, wants, and hopes for me. Relating to me and Cat:

During our relationship, I never doubted our connection or that Cat loved and wanted a future with me genuinely, and this is exactly what she always wanted and hoped I knew also.

Me and Cat broke up because we were struggling mentally ourselves, and us not being able to be there for each other was hurting us and making it more difficult to do better.

I think it was the right decision, and in a way, I'm happy that we were strong and loving enough to do so.

I'm happy that we broke up on a good note and that at the time (and probably for a while after) our feelings and hopes for each other are still alive and heartfelt. The feelings and hopes that we shared are precious to me, and being able to have them in my memory fondly, it's heart-warming. It's a bit sad and tragic in its own way, but that's ok. It makes it more difficult to let go and move on, but I'm happy that it is like this.

[anvoo]

03.12.2023 - Big changes

So, me and Cat broke up completely yesterday.

She, of course, still loves me and thinks about me a lot; from her messages, I feel that she was still holding onto hope that sometime next year we would talk again and we would get back together. I'm happy that she feels so deeply for me and that she would want that with me, but I think right now it's healthier for me, first and foremost, and then also for her, to not hold onto such thoughts. I feel swayed and also would feel like I want to hold onto also if she does, you know.

I understand. I'm here with you bro.

I deleted her number from my contacts and I'm moving on. Cat respected my wishes and she understood, even when it wasn't exactly what she wanted. If either one of us wishes to contact the other person, we could and know how to, but this is my wish right now. I'm happy that she cares and respects my wishes. I care about her too, and I know how sometimes things can be really difficult, so I don't want us to completely be blocked off. But she'll probably do OK, I hope.

I'm so proud of you, you know. These decisions really come from a place of genuine self-love and care.

Part of me wants to hold onto that hope, but is that part coming from love and wanting to be with Cat, specifically?

I don't feel like that part that is so fearful and anxious is coming from those places, you know. I feel like, I want more to hold onto the feelings of being in a relationship - of feeling "normal" and "successful" in an aspect, and use that to avoid seeing my shortcomings and taking responsibility. A relationship should be an addition to my life, not something I need to survive or feel whole. I think feeling like that would be one of the many signs of happiness and success. There are of course parts of me that feel a lot of love, care, and warmth for her, and that makes me happy. I'm just a guy with some challenges right now, but I am capable and deserving of so much love. Of course, sometimes I also helped her fill that void, just like how it was sometimes for me, but I'm happy and grateful that I could feel and know for a fact her genuine love and care for me. Honestly speaking, this probably won't be the last time we'll talk to each other, but I hope that when we do, I'll be coming from a place of genuine care, self-love, and security, rather than so much of a need to escape and soothe myself, so that I could be a kind person, cause that's really amazing and cool. I think that'll be a good goal - to be a kind person.

:> You did well. Get some rest, finish writing tomorrow, and get started on progress! Be a kind person.

[anvoo]

Starting my blog again!

I'm going to write more :> Look forward to it!

[anvoo]

Hello friend,

Heyhey, what's up?

I never really thought about it, but talking to you has been one of my emotional self-care things that I did :> Of course, sometimes I would overthink and just ramble on to you the same stuff and convince myself to the easy option - not doing anything at all.

I'm happy that I'm able to help you be kinder to yourself. I'm sorry to hear that you've struggled. We're both from the same brain, so most of the time I'm on the same boat as you haha.

Of course :p I'm not blaming you, I'm grateful that you are here. I'll do my best to stop myself the next time I find myself trying to go for the easy escape option.

And so will I.

[anvoo]

What's the present moment now?

There's someone who I care and love, and that person loves and cares for me so much too. My baby believes in me and in us, she wants our relationship to grow and thrive and is committed to that want.

My codependency issues make it difficult for us to enjoy each others' company and feel the positive feelings from our love for each other.

I want to give her my love, without it being so affected by codependency. She believes in me and is counting and looking forward to me.

If I really love her and care about my baby, then I need to love and care about myself first. That's how I can show and give love. Practice on yourself!

I'm building a life for myself that I can be happy living in so that I won't need to escape or run away from, and I'm letting myself feel my emotions, cause they're the results of my actions.

I want to be happier, (add my list of goals here later),

I don't want to regret inaction. That hurts.

[anvoo]

I'm indulging today, and a bit more tomorrow also.

Sunday evening, I'll plan our my Monday, and we'll start moving forward from there.

A rest that's earned feels good.

I gave myself my word, I put faith in myself; I gave Cat my word, she put faith in me.

Put weight in your words. Faith and trust is precious and hard to come by, so don't waste it.

Prove that you're the man. To yourself first and foremost.

[anvoo]

18.10.2023

I saw a video on YouTube describing the concept of "The good life" by Carl Rogers. He describes "The good life" as a direction rather than a state of being. The three parts to it, are as follows:

Direction: It's the direction selected by the total organism when there is freedom to move in any direction.

Existential living: becoming a participant in and an observer of the experience, rather than being in control of it. Live out your life instead of performing it.

Trust in oneself: A self of confidence in oneself; trusting their guts first and foremost, guided by openness to experiences and the experiences themselves;

It was quite an exhausting day today. I went out to get my haircut for the first time in a while and shared a good talk with my barber, walked all the way home, did the everything-laundry which took 3 machines and almost 4 hours the entire trip, and A LOT of talking and thinking. I managed to help an old couple who was looking for directions also, completely in German, so that's something I'm really proud of.

I talked about me and Cat's current situation with my Mom and Aunt, and they shared with me their views and advice. To be honest, I was overwhelmed at the end of the day. I took a lot of what they told me as just "the truth and reality" and that made me feel so conflicted and torn. But, I think I've decided now that I would just go with what I believe in, even if it goes against what people who are close to me believe in and think is best for me. I know myself and my situation best, so I will trust myself on this. I want to say thank you to the ones who I talked to for giving me their honest opinions and thoughts. Having my thoughts and beliefs challenged and questioned helped me come to conclusions that I solidly believe in, and am able to put weight and trust in them.

As to not rush anything and also to fully put weight and commit to my words, I'll write more and be more conclusive later this week, on the morning of Sunday. (I finished it a bit earlier, but that's ok. I believe. Codeword set!) From now till then, I'll take my time with it, but also focus on planning and going after my goals. This is crucial and a top priority in every way.

Goodnight!

Goodnight!

[anvoo]

17.10.2023

I had my therapy session today. I look forward to them so much every week, honestly. They give me a space to talk about my issues, be listened to, and ask for advice and opinions from a professional I know I can trust. Can't wait for the next one!

I tried out this new app called Endel last night; it's kind of like a soundscape thing, with different customizable sounds and moods depending on what you want to do. The one for focusing that I tried wasn't for me, but the one for sleep was so great. Definitely using it again later.

I wrote a whole lot but decided to delete it and start over because I felt myself spiraling and overthinking a bit. Let's keep it simple!

I want a future with you, not one too far from now, but one that's bit more close and relatable. I could still be finishing my degree, and you're working still, but we would talk and spend time tgt, cook stuff on Fridays and weekends, enjoy our time together, I'll come over once a month and we can have plenty of cuddles and sex then. Is this something you would also want and think is possible? Yes I agree with you. I want a future with you too And I think it is possible I'm really looking forward to this future You always know exactly how to warm my heart And you do too aww I think you are such a great person thank you. I think you are too ;) that's why I want you uknow Yes I want you too ... you're so crazy but I love you so much for it xD I trust you sm and I love uuuuuuuuu in a bit <3 my baby, you're crazy too ;D and I would not want it any other way in a bit <3

That's a snippet of our conversation yesterday. It's really heart-warming. To love someone, to want to be with them, to want a future together, and to have them love you, to have them want to be with you, to have them wanting that same future together. It gave me hope, gave me strength, gave me motivation to try my best.

I worry about Cat, a lot more than I worry about myself, actually. I worry about how she's feeling, how she's doing, what she needs, what could help her,... I take in all of her concerns, all of her challenges, all of her problems, as my own, and I try to fix them. But a lot of that isn't my responsibility to deal with and fix, and there's also not much I could do except just offering support and company.

Trust your partner! She can do it, you know she can :>

Yeah, I do. I trust her, and yes she can!

Don't try to take on everything by yourself. You're only human. Also, you need to do your part too! She's handling hers, so go get yours!

Yeah. Sometimes I wish I was superhuman, that I could do anything and everything. But that's not really realistic, and probably not very fun also. I'll do my best to focus on my part and trust in her that she focuses on hers too. It's the most efficient way actually, since we know ourselves the best, and we know we can always reach out to each other when we need to (really proud and happy that we cultivated and have this bond, trust, and connection).

Go get them. Have faith in yourself; have faith in her.

I will. Goodnight!

[anvoo]

16.10.2023 - turning a new leaf

Cat and I texted some in the afternoon and talked a teeny bit in the evening, which was great. We agreed that we still need a bit more time and effort to spend on ourselves.

I'm happy that we both want each other and want a future together. We want to look forward to it also and have it come ASAP! It's really heart-warming. It feels like, no matter what, I know I'm not alone you know. My thoughts and feelings for her, my moods and plans, I know she has the same ones for me back over on her side.

My self-esteem is something that I want to work on and improve. It's gotten and still gets in the way of so many things, and I want that to change. As I've written in the previous post, it made it difficult for me to fully be there for Cat. I know it's OK and even healthy sometimes to seek validation and reassurance from your partner, and I'm happy that I did. I don't want to overly rely on that though, because I know that most, if not all, of these thoughts and moods stem from my own issues and self-esteem; so in order to get peace of mind, I asked Cat for some reassurance earlier in the evening, and she made me feel really safe and secure in our relationship and us.

So, I asked and talked to her about this (I promised her and myself that this would be the last time because I wanted us to have some distance and space to work on ourselves): Her replies are in quotation marks. She said (something along these lines) "Part of her hasn't processed that that relationship is over". I asked her what does she mean by that? She said, "It's like I haven't processed any of the feelings and hurt at all, and now it's coming back. It's like signing a contract that's like, Ok I take no damage now, but I take that damage later (in game terms xD)." I asked her, is our relationship being threatened because of this? She answered me, "No, it's not. Of course not." Of course not, yeah. Our relationship and this are unrelated, and it's of course not threatened. It's just residual damage, and it's more like painful and annoying memories that she's processing and dealing with.) We love each other a lot and we have plans for our future together. This is what I should focus on.

She told me also, that now her mindset is that "All the things in the past are in the past now, what's done is done. I want to focus on the future, focus on moving forward." I was so happy to hear that. It's healing, it's doing better for yourself, it's striving for happiness,… All of this contributes so much to our future together and it'll be good. I'm really positive and I'm looking forward to it so much.

I want that too. I want to focus on the future, on doing good things for myself, on moving forward. It's newfound motivation. We're both aiming and looking forward to the same future, and we're going for it. I really love her so much. She loves you so much too :> You're her special person, her babybaby, the one she cares the most about in the world (not counting her biological family of course). Yeah :> It makes me happy to know that.

A lot of the overthinking I do comes from the lack of actual actions or things to do. If I just have copious amounts of free time on my hands, then of course my mind will start going crazy. That, and also me feeling super bad about myself cause of that lack of actions, create such a bad and depressing environment.

It does. Do things you know are good for yourself! It'll feel so great. It checks all the boxes: (1) self-satisfaction from doing a good job (2) the things are fun (3) don't need to just "pass time" and overthink (4) happiness and satisfaction from knowing that I'm contributing to my long-term future and happiness (Cat is included in here also!).

Let's focus on the future, focus on moving forward. I miss my baby a bit, but that's ok. I know that she's missing me too. But I know also that we're both looking forward to our future together and working towards it, and that is so precious and heart-warming.

In a bit my babybaby, and let's go!

[anvoo]

16.10.2023

New semester is starting.

I'm progressing with my therapy also, which is really nice. It's a place and time I can talk with a professional about my mental and moods, and we could try to figure something out. It's proving to be really beneficial to me, and that's something I'm really happy about.

Getting a haircut on Wednesday also, my barber's probably gonna be like wtf is that on your head why's it been so long haha. It's alright, I like him. He's a cool guy.

Sitting outside in the park rn.

My self-esteem is getting in the way a bit right now and making me feel anxious and not great.

Cat's going through a difficult time. We talked a bit more the past few weeks.

I think she's going through a phase of self-reflection. She has no friends except me and her family, so I think the isolation and loneliness gets to her sometimes.

She feels guilty and sad that she's got no friends, and also all the ones she lost contact with.

A while ago (few years) she lived in a shared house with her previous relationship and friends, but after she broke up with him and moved away, she never really kept contact with any of them anymore.

She told me also, that after breaking up with that previous relationship, she pushed away all her feelings and emotions without processing them and just ignored them to move on with her life. It's like a self-defense mechanism thing. And now, when she's reflecting on her past, some of the hurt from unresolved baggage and emotions are coming up.

I know that I got nothing to feel threatened by. She loves me and I'm more special and important than anyone to her (excluding bio family ofc), and she wants to be with me, and this is just hurt and distress from unresolved emotional baggage, but

my self-esteem is really messing with me. It makes me doubt and worry and causes me distress. It's shit.

I want to be understanding and supportive, but my own issues and insecurities get in the way and make it difficult.

I hate it.

But I don't want to stay like this and just feel pity and sad for myself.

I'm turning a new leaf and doing things that help.

Overthinking is terrible also, I'll write it down when I do cause writing keeps me grounded and organised, but I'll put a limit on how much self-medicating I can do - for now, 3 sentences max for overthinking and self-medicating/ self-soothing. I force myself out afterwards.

Gotta focus and do well for my semester, gotta get fit, gotta get friends. All of that would help me so much with the mental issues that are challenging me, so I wouldn't need as much soothing.