#I just saw an hour long video essay on this general theory and I’m going to see how many of my points get brought up

[artbyblastweave]

A while ago, I heard some piece of Apocrypha that Fallout 3 was originally set only 20 or so years after the Bombs dropped, and was later moved up in the timeline in order to accommodate familiar and marketable setting elements like the BOS, the Super Mutants, and so on. I forget where I heard this, and I don’t necessarily think it’s true. But I think it’s a really interesting lens to view a lot of the stories and characters through. You assume 20 years and suddenly it makes sense that someone like Moira is just now getting around to trying to codify survival advice; your choice to take the project seriously or half-ass it for personal gain then becomes a statement about the future of the world. You assume 20 years and suddenly it makes sense that they’d build Megaton in a crater, even if it had a live bomb in it, and haven’t yet had opportunity to move somewhere without a bomb. You assume 20 years and suddenly the Andale cannibals make a lot more sense; they aren’t LARPing pre-war life with eerie accuracy, they’re desperately play-acting at the lifestyle they thought they were going to have when they were kids or young adults, and the old guy they’ve got with them is the actual adult from that period who has the context to understand what they’re aping and how fucked it is. Tenpenny, Moriarity, and Dukov all make more sense now; their immigration doesn’t post date the war, they immigrated *before,* to escape the resource wars. Tenpenny Tower as a power bloc is an affluent settlement that *held out* rather than something that just happened to spring up centuries afterward. Agatha doesn’t have a tenuous connection to a famous musician who got sealed up in vault 92, she herself was a famous musician who got out before it all went to shit, and reuniting her with the violin is a decision to help something purely good from the old world last a little while longer. The Gary uprising was recent. The Lone Wanderer is as old as the new world. Lucas Simm’s sheriff getup, Three-Dogs anachronistic radio DJ routine, the whole thing with the Vampires, the Mechanist and the Antagonizer- it’s not passed-down half-remembered cultural knowledge, they’re doing bits as a coping mechanism, or because its still actively recognizable to a plurality. Little Lamplight and Big Town I think make a little more sense under this paradigm. Vault 112 is aping a world that recently died. I haven’t even touched how much more sense the main plot makes if people have only been dealing with the bad water for half a generation instead of 200 years. Going full Charlie Kelly this fine evening

[iridescentsky29]

Warning- spoilers for the end of danganropnpa v3

(massive essay is below the read more I think I spent like half an hour on this I’m not even joking😅)

Ok so I recently finished danganropnpa v3 and I have some theories on what the ending meant

At the end of the game tsugumi says the following:

She essentially hints that the killing game was copied from something, and that I believe is copied from the first two killing games.

We know that Tsugumi says that the first two games were also a tv show just like v3 was, but if that were the case why would she say that she was copying something? I believe that she saw these two killing games and took inspiration from them to make them into a tv show.

Junko enoshima had a massive influence on the world, with people named the remnant’s of despair helping spread that despair across the word. It’s clear that more people will have been influenced by her over time, with it starting out as just students from hopes peak academy and eventually many others will have likely joined over the years.

A group named future foundation was then set up, with Makoto and the rest of the survivors from trigger happy havoc joining them to spread hope around the word and put a stop to the global despair. We never get confirmation of they succeeded with that goal, however in danganronpa v3 we see that the outside world is back to normal, however the only thing strange is that society seems to have normalised the killing games being broadcast globally, with v3 being the 53rd season meaning it is clearly very popular. My theory is that something happened over time which instead one side winning (this being hope v despair) the end result was actually somewhere in the middle.

I imagine that the future foundation were able to get the chaos to die down or stop completely. However because this disaster had been going on for so long it had become normalised in the world for people to be killed and for despair to always happen. Because of this when society returned to ‘normal’ years and years later (I believe it was mentioned that v3 was 100 years in the future) they were actually used to despair and it would still be occasional to see despair take place even though the outside world was mostly peaceful. I believe that society became quite twisted and began to see killing/despair in general as a sort of entertainment. It wouldn’t surprise me if because they were so used to it they would find life boring without it. (Honestly it kinda gives me hunger games vibes with the rich people watching everyone kill eachother as entertainment (I haven’t seen it so I think that’s what happened??))

And this is where tsugumi got her idea.If she also felt the same way about this and also enjoyed hearing about despair on the news and seeing it in the media I believe she then decided that a killing game tv show would be really popular around the globe. If she were to copy the killing games set up by junko enoshima then the world would definitely enjoy it, after all that’s what lead to them all having these ideas in the first place. It’s likely that if junkos killing games had been broadcast to the outside world then it will have been documented somewhere, and potentially would be available for the public now to watch, meaning that the current world would know everything about it and would enjoy there to be more of it.

We also know that in v3 all the participants were eager to join the tv show before they were turned into fictional characters. Shuichi says in his audition video ‘I’ve always been a big fan of danganropnpa and always wanted to be in one. If I were a contestant I would be the ultimate detective. I know there’s been a few in the past and I’ve always loved those characters. I know there’s been a few in the past and I’ve always loved those characters so I would want to be one of them. Ah but I don’t have to be a detective, I’ll be anything just to be part of the show. And I mean that, I’d do anything to be part of danganropnpa. I promise if I get selected I’ll work as hard as I can. I will come up with the best, most gruesome murders! I promise! Everyone will love it! An ultimate detective hasn’t been the blackened yet so I’m sure I can do that! I’m also thinking about the perfect punishment for an ultimate detective’

Shuichi clearly showed a huge for the killing games and really enjoyed them. The fact that he also had ideas for gruesome and interesting killings along with making ideas about his own punishment and being really enthusiastic about it shows that he was willing to sacrifice his and other people ls lives for the sake of the show. We also get an insight of kaede and kaito when they auditioned and they also seemed very excited about it too, showing how corrupt society had became, all due to the work of junko enoshima and tsugumi shirogane.

Obviously this is just my theory about the ending of danganropnpa so obviously it’ll be different to others, but I thought it would be cool to talk about my ideas because it’s really interesting about what could have potentially happened

[daisybeewrites]

Academy Blues — Prologue

word count: 1.8k

warnings: not any for this chapter

ship: Dousy, background Fitzsimmons and Philinda

okay y’all.. here it is. the first installment of my first LONG TERM SERIES!!!!!! ahhhh i’m so excited. literally i cant wait to continue this and see where it takes me. i have an idea and a few different planning sheets, but honestly i have no idea where exactly this will end up. i love each and single one of you <3 thank you for reading!! this is also posted on Ao3, and linked in the masterlist.

Daisy hated the sound of the bells at The Academy. Screeching, awful, way too loud, the bells were the bane of her existence. They all wore standard-issue watches from the lab that monitored vitals and gave them reminders, and also told the time, for god’s sake! Fitz had even modified hers so that she could play snake on the tiny watch face! There was no need for the bells to be so excruciatingly disruptive. Though, Daisy guessed, there were many things more tortuous than bells ringing every hour and fifteen minutes.

Daisy slowed to a jog, cutting her morning run short. The bright side to being a third-year was that you chose your schedule, for the most part, and that meant Daisy had a free first period for four out of five days of classes. She usually spent this free period getting an extra hour in at the gym, boxing or sparring with Mack or Bobbi, two fourth years that had reluctantly taken her under their wings, or sleeping in. She reserved sleeping in for especially rough nights where visions of ashes and earthquakes and lightning returned time and time again, no matter how many deep breaths she took or sheep she counted.

But this morning was not one of those mornings. She had been up before sunrise, a little before her usual alarm and silently headed out of her dorm for a run. It was humid this time of year on most Virginia mornings, but never so hot that it made Daisy feel as if she was being smothered. The cooler air chilled her sweaty skin, her chest rising and falling as she jogged up the three flights of steps to the second years’ dorms. Down one long hallway, and she arrived at her room.

Daisy had been given her own room at the start of last year, complete with poly-adaptic-proto-whatever panels, which she had painted a pastel shade of purple, to compliment the greens of her cacti and the dark purples and blacks of everything else in her room. Even May had agreed that the stark white was too ”psych wing” for a bedroom. Daisy was grateful for the space, but considering the panels and the private room were only necessary since...

She shuddered. Grabbing her shower caddy, Daisy set off to the bathroom at the opposite end of the hall, hoping no one else was spending a free first period at the dorms.

Her shoulder-length waves were wet from bouncing against her neck, and starting to become annoying now that the sweat had dried and was starting to itch. Picking the white tiled shower furthest away from the door, Daisy quickly turned the water on, checked the temperature, pulled her sports bra and shorts off and hopped into the shower. Shampoo, condition, soap body, rinse. Checking her watch, Daisy found that she had showered in record time, less than three minutes. After spending another five just enjoying the hot water, she hopped out and changed into her class clothes.

Dark purple leggings, Coulson’s grey vintage SHIELD tee and a pair of white running sneakers she had “borrowed” from Jemma completed her look. Passing the mirrors, Daisy tried not to glance at herself. If her hair was messy or her undereye bags a bit too dark, she didn’t want to know. Instead, she headed back to her room to pack her bag for the day.

SHIELD-issued laptop, extra hard drives and a charger, Advanced CS 3: Ethical Hacking: Theory and Application, Advanced CS 4: Secrets of The Coding Languages, Physics notebook, an essay that was three days late on some boring book about international laws, and her sparring gear were all thrown into the black bag. She gave a second glance at the Russian notebooks Bobbi had loaned to her, promising that she’d learn without taking the class. Oh well, she still had all of this term to start. Plus, would she ever really need more than the dirty words?

One look at the alarm clock that sat on her dark hardwood night table showed that she still had almost forty-five minutes before she had to be in the computer lab. Sitting down on her bed, Daisy ran a hand over the grey blanket May had given her.

Daisy’s relationship with May and Coulson had been something of a problem with other students when she first got here. Some had been okay with the obvious paternal love Coulson showed for Daisy, showing her around and checking up on her, scheduling lunch dates and reminding her of tests. May was more subtle, texting her links to tai chi videos when she noticed Daisy getting too stressed or letting Daisy do her own thing if she saw that she was overwhelmed. Of course, none of the other students knew her family history, what she had gone through just to realize that May and Coulson were more her parents than her biological father and mother could ever be. She would see them later today—May during field training and Coulson in between lectures in the canteen.

Daisy walked over to her window to open her blinds, staring out at the campus she had grown to love. The large brick buildings scattered around acres of the Virginia countryside; green fields meant for physical activities like sparring or obstacle courses, or simply basking in the weather to study or chat; the dorms—red brick and concrete melded together to upgrade and expand the charming style of previously-built homes.

Grabbing a protein bar, Daisy headed to the canteen to make a green smoothie (and maybe snatch a cup of joe before she had to listen to an hour-long lecture on the reason SHIELD must cooperate with the UN’s stupid rules at 7:30 in the morning). Smelling the pines and morning dew surrounding her, she smiled slightly. Maybe this term wouldn’t be so bad.

———————————————————————

Daniel Sousa was a man of honor. He was a man of great strength. Agent Daniel Sousa, previously Officer Daniel Sousa in the US Army, was a man who could fix his damn alarm clock on his own.

Just, not today. Or the day before.

So, Agent Daniel Sousa was now hurrying his way to class at The SHIELD Academy, books in hand and gym bag slung over his shoulders. Catching a glance at himself in the shiny glass doors of the bio-chem building, he groaned. He hadn’t even brushed his hair. And, looking down, he discovered he was wearing two different shoes.

This is the college experience everyone raves about, he thought bitterly. You see, Daniel Sousa had enlisted to the army straight out of high school, forgoing university. He climbed the ranks impressively quickly, earning his place as second-in-command and reconnaissance scout in the 28th Infantry Regiment. Unfortunately, after only four years in the army, Sousa was injured in the field, losing his leg and almost his life.

He came back to the US a war hero, and yet, he felt he wasn't finished. So, when a recruiter named Peggy Carter knocked on his door claiming to be from SHIELD (“Wow, you guys are still a thing?”), he leapt at the chance to continue fighti-...doing good. The Academy wasn’t exactly what he had bargained for, though. Trying to earn his B.A. and training to be an agent at the same time was grueling, but nothing he couldn’t deal with.

No, six different one hour and fifteen minute long classes plus mandatory physical therapy every day wasn’t going to break him. Learning how to be a communications agent and re-starting field training and catching up on general college education was no problem. Pressuring himself to be the best, to break the limits, to get past all his weaknesses was just another miniscule feather to add to the pile.

Unless his stupid alarm clock broke. Then yes, Agent Daniel Sousa would fail, buckle under the weight and be left on the floor to die.

Maybe he was being a bit dramatic.

One bunny-slippered right foot and a sneakered left leg carried him forward, propelled by a quickly chugged orange Celsius and his sheer will not to be late.

Daniel heard the late bell ring out, understanding that, on his first day of class, he would be counted late. It wasn’t like him, not at all. Especially when his first class was a refresher course on field tactics and covert strategy, something in which he was already aces.

He let out a sigh, slowing as he rounded the corner into the comms building. At the Academy, most buildings were grouped into categories: the cafeteria, gym and pool, and student resource building all to the south; the gun range, obstacle course, and specialized gym to the east; bio-chem labs, tech labs, and smaller rooms for lectures to the west; the computer labs and comms buildings right smack in the middle; and dorms to the north.

He swiped a key card with his driver’s license picture and student ID, unlocking the sliding doors that led to the computer labs. It was quicker to short cut through them than to walk around the building to the entrance closest to communications classrooms.

It wasn’t because he knew a certain broody brunette spent her mornings in the lab.

No, it wasn’t, because she wasn’t in her usual seat in the corner, typing away.

He slowly walked through the rows of computers, searching for a familiar black backpack. Nothing was there.

“Hey, Sousa,” an accented female voice called behind him. He whipped around to see who it was, feeling just a twinge of disappointment when Elena, or, as most people knew her, Yo-Yo, was leaning against the door frame. Yo-Yo, a fourth year operations trainee, who was very close with Daisy.

“Hey, Yo-Yo. Good morning,” he called, “I’m running a bit late.”

Elena checked her nails casually, “Way to state the obvious. You were running faster than I could trying to get here before the bell.”

Daniel rubbed the back of his neck and blushed. “Yeah…”

“Daisy’s running late today, too.”

Daniel looked around, pretending that hearing Daisy’s name didn’t make him want to smile. “Oh, of course. She’s usually here early.”

Elena nodded, chuckling a little at his response. She couldn’t tell if he was oblivious or just a bad liar. It was charming, really. “Right. See ya ‘round, Sousa!”

“See ya,” He replied. He thought he heard a quiet ‘Lovable nerds’ coming from the direction she left, but he couldn’t be sure.

And so, with a last look around the computer lab, Daniel set off to arrive late to May’s lecture.

———————————————————————

okay okay,,, what do y’all think?? like/reblog and let me know! it’s the best way to support writers and it only takes a second! stay tuned for more chapters!!

[redbeardace]

Asexuality Activism Report Card

[This post is a submission for the October Carnival of Aces, hosted by @asexualawarenessweek, on the theme “Reaching In, Reaching Out”]

Every year around Ace Week, I tend to give encouragement and suggestions about the type of outreach or activism we can do.  This year, I’m going to do things a little different and instead give a report card on where I think we are in terms of various kinds of activism/outreach/visibility.

These are solely my opinions and my categories and are based on my experiences and not any kind of exhaustive research or survey.  Please feel free to provide your own grades and suggest other areas I might have missed.  I also want to note that these grades are not an indictment or attack on any particular group, person, or project.  If you’re working on any of these things, you’re part of the solution and your work will make these grades improve over time, so keep at it!

And if you’re doing any of these things, please plug your projects, so people will know about them!

Intra Community - A

We focus an awful lot of energy inward, and that’s a good thing.  Extending a helping hand, providing resources, hosting chatrooms, making podcasts, organizing meetup groups, writing lengthy blog posts, hosting conferences and unconferences, selling t-shirts...  We’re doing a pretty good job supporting each other from the inside.

Queer Community - B

There are quite a few mainstream LGBTQ groups who openly support us.  We often hold our meetups at the queer community center in town.  Many aces are involved with LGBTQ organizations.  There’s an ace group who goes to Creating Change every year.  We’re an obligatory part of many organizations’ Pride messaging.  Lots of groups now deliberately use the “LGBTQIA” variant of The Acronym, and make it clear that “A” isn’t for “Allies”.  The ace group in the NYC Pride Parade this year (likely the biggest pride parade ever) was deliberately selected to be the 10th contingent, which is a huge deal because the parade was literally 12 hours long.

There are obviously challenges.  The uninformed who don’t understand why we’re at the table.  The deliberate trolls who relentlessly hound us online.  But those people will become irrelevant over time.

Unfortunately, this year marked the first time where I saw Rainbow Capitalism set its sights on us.  (With a big name ace group complicit in the exploitation...)  So that’s not good.

Everyone Else - D

We are not doing well in this area.  There are a few people out there who have heard of asexuality, but not many.  Most people use the word wrong or as the insulting punchline to a joke.  There isn’t a single household name who has come out as asexual and put themselves out there as an advocate.  It’s better than it was 8 years ago, but we’re still mostly invisible.

I don’t really have any suggestions here (except that if you’re famous and asexual, COME OUT), because most of the suggestions I’d have are covered in the other areas.

Direct Outreach - F

By “Direct Outreach”, I’m referring to deliberately trying to find people who are asexual but who are unfamiliar with the term or that do not recognize that they’re asexual for whatever reason.  It’s sort of a subset of a lot of these other groups.  (And it could probably use a better name...)

I’m calling this out explicitly, because I think this can have the most impact, if we can figure out effective ways of doing it, and I don’t think anyone’s really doing this.  (I sort of tried, but it didn’t really work out...) Basically, it would be able getting information about asexuality in front of the people who need it.  Taking over the search results for “Why don’t I want sex?”.  Writing articles about how some guys just don’t care about that sort of thing for a men’s magazine.  Maybe even a direct person to person conversation with that friend who never seems to date.  I don’t know, exactly.  If I knew, I’d be doing it.  But I think it needs to be done.

Fiction Media - C+

There are books with ace characters now!  Pretty much entirely YA, though.  And either a love story focused on the asexual character being asexual, or where asexuality is a tangential inclusion token with no real value.

There are TV shows with positive ace characters now!  Huge step forward from lows of Better Half!  Three shows, in fact!. Two of which have been canceled, and the third of which is about to have its final season.  And none of which are anywhere close to the popularity of House.  And none of which are anywhere close to the popularity of another show which completely erased a main character’s canon asexuality.

There are movies with ace char-  Oh no, no there aren’t.  Never mind.  Same with video games.

While some strides have been made, and having productions actively consulting with groups like Ace LA is a huge step forward, we’re still largely living an area of headcanons and unverified conjecture and Word Of God retcons.  There’s so much more than can be done.

Most importantly, we shouldn’t fawn over and praise any little scrap of hope.  Demand better.

If you’re in a position to make things, make them.  If you’re in a position to influence things to be made, influence them.  If you’re in a position to boost content that is made, boost it.

Non-Fiction Media - C-

There are starting to be articles about asexuality that go beyond the typical sensational “There are some people who claim to be asexual, can you believe that, isn’t that SO STRANGE” or the blandly informational 101 interview featuring a picture of sad grey people in bed.  Not many, but they’re there.  But, at the same time, there are blazingly dismissive assholes hiding behind Ph.Ds, writing things like “’demisexual,’ an unnecessary new substitute for the word ‘human’ ” in articles that are published in 20-fucking-19.

There are a number of podcasts and YouTube videos talking about asexuality, but I don’t know how much reach they have outside of the ace community.

There’s one documentary that hasn’t aged well and I think has been removed from most streaming services, and another that hasn’t been released yet and is phenomenal and you should all see it.  So that...  Two documentaries.

Taking a quick look on Amazon, there are about seven books of substance on asexuality.  Three are academic queer theory textbooks with a very specific audience.  Two are self-published.  One is a weird collection of essays, half of which have little to do with asexuality at all, written by someone who isn’t ace and who didn’t seem to bother even talking to aces for much of the book.  That leaves one book about asexuality for a general audience written by an asexual that had a real publishing run.  Just one.

Same with the fiction media, don’t go around hyping any article that mentions asexuality.  Some of them are REALLY REALLY BAD.  There was one a few months ago that said in an infographic that “Girls working part time have a 33% chance of becoming asexual”, yet it was being uncritically passed around by some high profile aces.

So, y’know, Cs get Degrees or whatever, but we can do soooo much better in this area.  Someone go write a book about asexual dating.  Someone go write a book about asexual history.  Go.  Do.  Now.

Education/Schools - D

Well, it seems like it’s getting at least mentioned occasionally, and groups like Asexual Outreach have put some work towards this.  But we’re still left out of sex ed in most places, and when we are included, the information can be confused, inaccurate, or even ridiculed by the instructor.  Tackling this area will, over time, help out every other area on this list, because the next generations will all know and understand what asexuality is, and we won’t have to start from zero in order to get anything done.

Political/Legal - F

Earlier this year, I did a cursory review of anti-discrimination laws as they pertain to asexuality.  Where asexuality was protected, it was often by accident.  Only one state explicitly mentioned asexual people.  Many states which did have strong LGBT anti-discrimination protections have defined “sexual orientation” in such a way to exclude asexuality.  Even the “Equality Act” that the Democrats have made a lot of noise about this year has that narrow definition.

We need to start making connections with politicians and political groups, and we need to start leveraging our connections with queer organizations to get them to push for better language in these laws.  (Many of the non-discrimination laws were deficient or bizarre in multiple ways, so we’d all be better off with improvements.)

And I should note that it’s an F--- as far as protections for aromantics…

Health Care - D+

Well, we managed to get parts of the DSM-V rewritten.  But even those parts are less than ideal.  There are some therapists and doctors who are well versed in asexuality, and others who, as I mentioned above, hide behind their Ph.Ds writing horrible things and going unchecked.  There’s a raft of sex pills with marketing that explicitly targets people who are probably asexual but don’t know it yet, trying to sell them worthless junk that will make them suddenly black out randomly or permanently change the color of their skin.  We’re still not an option on the clipboard the doctor hands you to fill out.  We’re still forced to take unnecessary and invasive tests for no practical reason.

I think we need to be showing up at health care conferences.  We need to be reaching out to local providers.  We need to be telling people how they should be treating us, instead of letting them fumble around and hopefully get it right on their own.

[kiarasdeclassified]

some REAL high school freshman advice

so, you’re finally finished with eighth grade & moving onto the next phase of your life: high school! that should be exciting, right? it’s around the time where everyone is starting to get their schedule, pick out classes, shop for new supplies & outfits… & maybe even check out some advice posts so you know what you’re getting yourself into. however, all of these posts seem to say the same thing: “join a club!” “study hard!” “go to football games!” “take an honors class!” “make some friends!” in all honesty, yes, these are great tips, but they’ve been tired out so much over the years of freshman advice posts that have been created & most importantly, don’t exclusively apply to freshmen either. so, to keep you from branding this as just another basic twitter thread on how drinking water will help you get good grades all year, i’ve compiled a list of things you probably haven’t already been told about your freshman year that will definitely be helpful.

it’s not as hard as your teachers might make it out to be.

i find that the idea of high school being absolutely impossible is mostly proposed by english teachers, so here’s an example: all throughout eighth grade, my english teacher gave my class mountains of homework, at least 2 essays every other month, and ridiculously hard tests over strange words derived from Latin. she told us constantly: “i know the work i’m giving you is challenging, but i’m preparing you for high school.” my freshman year, i had no more than three simple assignments to do per night (& even that’s a stretch), i wrote 8 essays the entire year, and my tests were pretty time consuming but they were not at all difficult. i got solid A’s in every class with some effort, but not nearly with the amount of effort my eighth grade teachers attempted to drill into me. especially if you go to public school, your high school is probably going to be a little more relaxed than your middle school is. they won’t freak out on you if you forget to turn something in. you’ll probably be allowed to take out your phone in one or two classes. you’ll most likely be able to chew gum. of course, you’re taking harder classes, so the coursework is going to be more advanced, but your teachers know that. no one expects you to be perfect, especially as a wee little freshman in a sea full of kids who have done this for at least a year or more.

that being said, you still have to put in work.

just because it isn’t going to be THAT tough doesn’t mean it’s going to be a piece of cake. you still need to develop decent study habits, even if your study “habit” is just you looking at a study guide or watching a crash course video or reviewing a quizlet the night before a test. you especially need to do this if you’re taking advanced classes; the most common classes for freshmen on the advanced track to take (depending on your school, this is just what i see the most often) are geometry and biology. both of these classes are heavily theory-based & require at least SOME studying for success, especially biology. if you aren’t taking an advanced class however, you might view this as less reason to try; but, it’s the opposite. since your coursework isn’t so fast-paced, you can focus more on the details of your unit/chapter/lesson/etc. so you can REALLY be sure to ace your tests & nail your classwork. freshman year is the easiest of all your high school years, so even if you aren’t taking advanced classes, you need to try, even if it’s just a little. you won’t regret it.

don’t take an advanced class if you know you can’t handle it.

an unwritten rule of thumb with most high school classes is that you can fail every test, but as long as you complete & turn in all of your classwork & homework, you will pass the class; while keeping that in mind, it’s important to note that advanced classes usually come with summer homework, group seminars, bigger projects, accelerated coursework, & a heavier load on your academic life in general. if you have little to no work ethic, advanced classes are not for you. if you know you’re going to be too lazy to even start any summer work & you won’t turn in any homework during the year, don’t even think about taking the class. but if you can’t even trust yourself to fulfill the latter part of that statement, don’t do it. if you’ve already signed up for it, drop out of it. if you can’t drop the class, good luck buttercup.

get a job if you can.

you’re getting older, you probably don’t want to have to ask your parent or guardian for money all the time, you’ll want to go out & buy things & do fun things with your friends, or if you’re more introverted, maybe even stay at home & spend your money on something nice you saw online. many places understand that you’re a teenager that has just ventured out into high school & began working, so they can be flexible with schedules & hours. this isn’t the post for me to spew out job info, but you can start your job search by googling “[desired workplace (mcdonald’s, walmart, etc.)] careers” & checking their application for an age limit. if there’s one clearly listed & you’re too young, don’t apply; however, if you’re old enough or if there isn’t one, then go ahead & apply! apply to multiple places at once so you have a better chance of landing one, then call back after around 2-3 days & let them know you’re checking on an application. if you don’t want to call, be ready to wait; i avoided doing this & didn’t hear back from what was eventually my first job for 4 months. regardless, having your own money that you know you earned yourself is an amazing feeling, & treating yourself with it is an even better one.

if you want to go to college, start planning.

if you’re an overachiever like i was back when i was a little freshie, then you’ve probably already started doing this; however, if you don’t care to start looking in depth at colleges, you should at least decide what you want to do after high school. take a career cluster inventory test to figure out what you’d enjoy most as a career & use this to decide between 2-3 potential majors/minors; then, complete the texas reality check to see what careers fit your ideal lifestyle. while these aren’t concrete plans at all, it’s good to at least have an idea of what you’d like to do, so you can eventually use this to decide on something later on. even with this in mind, it’s okay if you don’t even know what you want to do yet & no tests you’ve taken have helped you. at the end of eighth grade, i wanted to go into music; at the end of freshman year, i wanted to go into marketing; at the end of sophomore year, i wanted to double major in chemistry & entrepreneurship. it’s fine to be all over the place interest-wise, & it’s fine to have no clue what you enjoy interest-wise. you have a whole four years to make solid plans, so don’t stress it.

college isn’t your only option.

even though this is probably what your teachers, peers, or maybe even family has drilled into your head for a little while, you have so many other options besides college. you can go into the military if you’d like, even if you’re not interested in combat (there’s other positions too, you know); you can go to technical school for something like cosmetology, mechanics, welding, esthetics, etc.; you could go straight into the workforce or start a business if your interests point you into that direction; you could even do something as simple as an apprenticeship for specific jobs. if college was truly the only postsecondary choice, it would be so much harder to get into the schools you wanted to go to, since almost another 1.1 MILLION students in the United States alone would be applying as well. it’s an unrealistic expectation for everyone to go to college, so you’re not “lazy” or a “bum” because you don’t want to.

most importantly, HAVE (safe & solicited) FUN.

you’re in high school! soon enough, you’ll be driving, making your own plans, talking to your friends 24/7 (even if it’s just on tumblr!), & becoming more independent in general. these are the last four years of your life where you can act like a complete fool outside of school before you become an adult. have fun. bend the rules a little--if you want. whatever you do, don’t give into peer pressure. trust me, NO ONE cares if you don’t want to drink or vape or smoke or have sex, as long as you don’t act like you’re above anyone because you choose not to. never let anyone make you do something you don’t want to do. learn how to say no if you feel uncomfortable with something. if you’re into going out, i don’t recommend doing anything illegal, but if you’re going to, always have a trusted friend in a clear state of mind around who can help you stay safe & protected from harm’s way until you’re at home in your bed (or somewhere else where you feel secure) for the night.

popularity means absolutely nothing.

always have one close friend or a tight-knit circle of friends that you can trust & who you know won’t spread your business around. if something happens & you need someone to fall back on, it’s always better to have 1 real friend you can tell anything to than 10 fake friends who you’re iffy about trust-wise. i get it; almost everybody has wanted to be part of the “in” crowd & has wanted to hang out with them; talk to them; dress like them; be friends with them. eventually, you’ll realize none of that matters. it didn’t click for me until the last 4-5 months of sophomore year. there is no difference between you & rebecca over there with her 2000 instagram followers. she’s [hopefully] being herself, & you should be too. you’ll find your proper crowd, even if it isn’t until the end of high school.

i cannot stress this enough, BE YOURSELF.

who cares if everyone thinks math club is lame? what if your future best friend is in there? wanna go for the volleyball team but you don’t want to seem basic? so what? you’re interested in running for student government but you’re afraid no one will vote for you? you’ll never know if you don’t try! go ahead & wear whatever you want, hang out with whoever you want, listen to whatever music you want, & join whatever clubs you want. fix up the black belt you got from the men’s section at the thrift store slip on your checkered vans. go buy some cute stickers for your hydroflask while blasting billie eilish & ariana grande. finish that painting or developing those cool pictures you took last weekend. DO YOU. don’t stress this whole high school thing; you’ve got this. :)

[nuzblog]

November 21st, 2017

This is the second of two new entries, which were at one point slated to be one entry. I’m glad they weren’t, since both of them got long as hell. I blame the fact that I’m also chipping my way through a 7 hour video essay on Pokemon for my long windedness. If you don’t remember the one where I caught a Drowzee, I recommend scrolling down. Now’s also a good time to remind you that it’s possible to read the entire thing chronologically, by clicking... well, any word in this sentence, how about. Also the Pokedex in the sidebar.

Now seems as good a time as any to mention what I forgot to in my admitted rush to finish the prior entry - while grinding up Baku, I was also hanging out with friends, and finally actually did the damn thing: Moschops was traded for a Kakuna, and then traded back, evolving it to its final form. This is the second time in my lifetime of playing Pokemon that I've actually used the evolved form of a trade evolution, and the first is my Alolan Golem in Sun which I am still not actually finished with yet, largely due to this playthrough superceding it as a priority in my mind, and also because, maybe it's just me but that game's pacing really falls off by the time you're on Poni Island. Not that it was really well paced to begin with, but-- oh, bugger, I'll save this all for when I nuzlocke that game. Uh. If I get there. Maybe I'll be so put off by how much I hate 2nd Gen that I'll simply not get to 3rd. (That's probably not true, I love 3rd Gen so much, I'll slog through garbage to get to it.)

Anyway yeah, I have rad friends and I love them very much and so I have a Machamp now. Weird! I've used Machoke before, but never actually Machamp.

Blaine's gym is the next one, and I actualy have notes on it beyond "the gym trainers were easy." As the series progresses, gyms will become more elaborate - here, they're just. Walk in a straight line, walk in a straight line and then turn left, rifle through some garbage, cut some trees, follow an "invisible" path, just choose a teleport tile and pray, and the two I'm about to knock out back to back.

Blaine's gym is really weird. I definitely understand what they were going for, but it turned out super strange. So Blaine is like, this researcher professor guy, like not quite Pokemon Professor but he knows his shit and wears a lab coat sometimes and the works. So his gym is a quiz. There's these quiz machines that ask you a question that varies from bafflingly simple, such as "does Caterpie evolve into Butterfree", to just plain baffling, either due to strange wording or ambiguous wording. Like... on the one hand they are clearly meant to test your knowledge that you've gained as you adventured, since you're essentially at endgame territory here. But Blaine isn't the kind of professor that seems to legitimately want to test your knowledge, oh no, his questions seem purposely worded to confuse. For example, the first one, "Caterpie evolves into Butterfree?" On the one hand, yes, one of Caterpie's evolutions is Butterfree... but at the same time, Caterpie DOESN'T evolve into Butterfree. Caterpie evolves into Metapod, and Metapod evolves into Butterfree. The correct answer is yes, but it's not technically accurate. Another question asks if Poliwag evolves thrice, which is false, it evolves twice, but it's easy to count each form - Poliwag, Poliwhirl and Poliwrath - and assume that that matches up with the "3" in the question. Also, in what I can only assume to be translation error, one question manages to not only refer to the Electric type as "Thunder", but also refers to types as "element-types". Super weird.

Anyway, I did all the trivia and also fought all the trainers. Used to Firered, I find the lack of unique overworld sprites for the gym leaders interesting. I didn't even realize it was Blaine I was next to until I saw that there was no quiz machine behind him. Of course, with my Nessie and Cingu, the gym is no issue at all. I brink Moschops in too for his rock move, and Wakinyan just in case things got hairy, which they did not - I beat him handily.

Speaking of being beaten handily, the final gym has this mystery behind it, but I appreciate that before you are face to face with his widow's peaked mug, you have every opportunity to guess that the final gym leader is Giovanni of Team Rocket. The "Champ in the making!" dude tells you he uses ground types - and Giovanni, excepting his Kangaskhan, uses Nidoqueens and Rhyhorns and such consistently. That, and the puzzle here is the same pushing tiles that were used in the Rocket Hideout - I guess he likes those things? I know we encounter them in the hideout before the gym, but I like to think that it's the other way around. We don't get as much backstory on Giovanni as I'd like, but I like to imagine that he was a perfectly legitimate gym leader before starting Team Rocket, and he used the puzzle tiles the Pokemon League provided for him in his top secret casino hideout just cause they were the same kind of puzzle he liked enough to put in his gym.

As for fighting him... it's a joke. I was a little nervous going in about his powerful last 'mon and its Fissure, but... it's got 30% accuracy and I outspeed it anyway. Giovanni is defeated, this time for the last time. In this game - and this was removed in the remakes since it is counter to his characterization in his later appearances - if you speak to him after beating him, he says he is giving up on crime for good in order to research Pokemon. I think that's compelling and, again, hints at something a little more earnest in his past and in his motivations. Allow me to extrapolate for a moment here: Team Rocket's goals, in the anime and in the games, are consistent: find and capture rare Pokemon by any means necessary. In this game, they are first found in Mt. Moon, where rare Pokemon fossils can be found that can be resurrected at Cinnabar Island; then, the Silph Scope is recovered from them in Celadon, which is used primarily to be able to observe Ghost Pokemon in the Pokemon Tower, where they can also be found holding one of the region's well known Pokemon caretakers hostage. After that, they are in Silph Co., a powerful organization that has manufactured the Master Ball, which can be used to catch any Pokemon with perfect success. While the grunts may be using common Pokemon like Zubat and Rattata, the big boss has typically got Rhyhorn, Kangaskhan, and Nidoqueen, all Pokemon that are either only or most commonly accessible by way of the Safari Zone, where rarer Pokemon are sequestered for preservation.

What if Giovanni's real purpose is to study these rare Pokemon? Not money, nor pride, but simply the pursuit of knowledge? Taken to extremes, sure, but perhaps from his perspective, the real crime is holding these creatures away from researchers (which, as seen in Silph Co., Team Rocket also employs) that can learn more about them. Bam. There's my wild theory of the week.

Anyway yeah I went in without Wakinyan and just wrecked up his face. Hard not to, with Lapras and Penthes and Moschops and Baku. Cingu didn't do much, nor did he need to.

Speaking of Cingu, I then taught him Fissure. Now, normally, I would pretty much ignore OHKO moves. I mean, it'd be fun to give it to Moschops, but since all transferred Pokemon have their hidden abilities, it still would not be a Fissure/No Guard Machamp, so there's no point to that - instead, I gave it to the faster Cingu, after a bit of research. You see, I did not realize until around 24 hours prior to the time of this writing when I has beaten Giovanni's gym that the X Accuracy was changed in Gen 3. In Gen 3 onwards, which are the only generations I've played extensively, the X Accuracy is a very situationally useful item in a set of items that are essentially like Hardens, Howls, and Focus Energys that you can pay for. Those same moves aren't really that useful either, since far better moves like Swords Dance and Agility are just plain better versions of them. X Accuracy is probably the best of the set since it actually increases your own accuracy by a stage, allowing the effects of moves like the obnoxious Sand Attack or Minimize to be negated or at least mitigated... but since the overwhelming majority of attacks hit 100% of the time, and if you've been sand attacked then using the X Accuracy only gives them another chance to fling sand in your face, the usefulness is not exactly on the level of say, Potions and Pokeballs.

Except, things are a little different in Gen 1. You see, when an X Accuracy is used on a Pokemon in battle in Gen 1, it makes all of its moves hit perfectly every time until it is switched out or fainted. All of them, bypassing accuracy checks a la Swift, which I believe means it isn't even able to fall prey to the dreaded 1/256 glitch, which makes 100% accuracy moves miss one out of every 256 times. Including one hit KO moves like Fissure. (As a side note, this may also be handy with Thunder, which has only 70% accuracy - if it becomes a perfect hit then I'm far more confident of Wakinyan's ability to sweep Lorelei, at the least.)

Which, obviously, is ridiculous. Of course, Fissure only has 5 PP... but I've also not used a single one of the limited Ethers, Elixirs, etc. that the game provides. And with the exception of Dingus, every member of the Elite 4 has 5 Pokemon. (Of course, almost all of them also have a Flying type, and I'm sure SOME of them will outspeed Cingu, which should make Fissure fail regardless.) So like... basically, it's completely busted but fuck me if I'm not gonna take advantage of it. I'm already taking advantage of how busted Slash is. Honestly I'm gonna be sad to push Cingu through the Bank, since it's gonna go from utterly disgustingly broken to like... a normal Pokemon, basically.

Anyway then I slept, woke up, and played more Pokemon.

Now, at this point, I could go to Victory Road. But. Some unfinished business first! The Seafoam Islands are a fairly simple dungeon, with a Strength boulder dropping puzzle that's fairly memorable. Also there's a bird at the end. I murdered this bird, since I couldn't catch it. It actually brought Moschops to fairly low health. Serves me right for trying to use my 4x effective move that just happens to be on my "weak to flying" Pokemon.

NOW I'm ready for Victory Road, except for the fact that I absolutely forgot that there was a rival fight on Route 22 as you're headed for the Pokemon League. I was all healed up anyway, and I don't need to box anyone since he's got 6 Pokemon by now (but apparently no Fire Stones, lol - really, still Growlithe?), but I was still caught off guard, which I'm sure is the point.

Moschops handles Pidgeot and Rhyhorn, which hurts bad enough to switch him for Wakinyan, who, not gonna lie, is basically literally only here to OHKO this Gyarados. Nessie beats Growlithe but Alakazam puts it to 40 health, the lowest any of my Pokemon has been in a long while. Baku has the psychic resistance, so he finishes off Alakazam and then hits Venusaur for super effective damage, but I switch back to Wakinyan to finish him off.

I heal at home and NOW I'm actually going towards Victory Road.

First though, I run around in the grass on Route 23 for a wee bit before realizing that the only Pokemon I can find there are Sandslash/shrew, Sp/Fearow, or Ditto, all of which I still have living. I then think to fish, but I don't have my rod with me. Ah well, can't be arsed.

Victory Road! It's a road made of victory!! Let's see what EXCITING NEW POKEMON await us in this, our final dungeon of the-- oh. Zubat. It's a Zubat. I just caught another Zubat. ts name is Desmod, but it might as well be... Box 1. Cause that's where it'll be living. (Actually Box 2 though, I think.)

The dungeon here isn't actually that tough. The encounter rate is high enough that I got annoyed and put up some repels, but all that'll do is make grinding go a bit faster because you KNOW I'm not gonna fight the Elite 4 until everyone's AT LEAST Level 50. The trainers in here, to their credit, are reasonably tough. One Tamer in particular hurt me pretty bad with his sequence of Psychic types. I tried not to leave too often, since, at the very least, doing so would reset puzzle progress and drain max repels, but I did after this dude. Dig still takes me near Rock Tunnel. I literally haven't healed anywhere other than home since Rock Tunnel, lol. That'll change soon, I bet.

While here, I battled Moltres, the last of three legendary birds. As promised, I'll now discuss my thoughts on legendaries, because I quite frankly think that they're ruddy genius... in this game, and less so increasingly as the series progresses.

In this game, there are 4 legendary Pokemon - the three legendary birds and Mewtwo. Mew is a mythical and I'll talk about those another time, but legendaries are a distinct thing. In this game, despite all being birds except for the edgy one for whatever dumb reason, they are absolutely fantastically executed. Pokemon is a game that revels in boss fights - most routes have the strongest trainer strategically positioned last in a route, sometimes actively obstructing progress. Your rival shows up to fight you a total of eight times counting his final fight, which comes as a surprise at the end of the long foreshadowed gauntlet of four big bosses fought one after another with no Pokemon Centers inbetween, Team Rocket's leader fights you twice before being the last of eight town-based bosses themed around the elements, and that's not even counting optional bosses like the Karate King. However, all of these fights have something in common - they're all trainer fights.

While the distinction between trainer battles and wild Pokemon battles is not one that DRASTICALLY effects gameplay, it is one that exists. While the core principles are the same, two integral things about wild battles that are core to how they are approached are simply not options in trainer battles: running, and throwing Poke Balls. You can't steal people's Pokemon, but you can catch wild ones, and on occasion that capture is harder than most battles.

As such, legendary Pokemon are essentially the "wild Pokemon" answer to gym leaders. While gym leaders are a tough fight against a smart(ish) trainer with strong Pokemon, a legendary Pokemon is strong and, more importantly, very very hard to capture. I want to be clear, defeating these legendaries is not the hard part. I didn't actually do these bosses as they are intended to be fought, since I killed Moltres and Articuno and I used my Master Ball on Zapdos. But, had I gone the traditional route, I could have been spending 30+ Ultra Balls on EACH of them, and having to be so careful not to kill it or let it kill itself, or to let it kill any of my Pokemon. And this is a serious challenge! And THIS is what legendary Pokemon are for. They are out of the way, optional, very challenging, but rewarding intrinsically, because if you DO do the hard thing and catch them, then you have a powerful Pokemon you can use now. This is in opposition to the extrinsic reward of defeating a gym leader for a badge that allows you to train traded Pokemon to a higher level, to use HMs out of battle, to slightly increase stat growth, or whatever else. Getting handed something for winning a fight is great and makes sense... but with the legendaries, the fight is getting the damn things to stay in a ball, and the reward is the same as the reward for throwing a Poke Ball at a Rattata on Route 1: now you HAVE IT.

Of course... nothing stays good forever. In Gen 2, they introduce roaming legendaries. This is a different type of boss fight that takes place over the course of several fights, and is generally agreed to be way more of an obnoxious pain in the ass without actually being that innovative or fun. Instead of doing a cool dungeon that's hidden away and then fighting through your increasing worry to press onwards rather than resetting... an event flag happens in the story, and then you get to run aroung and do chip damage to a big cat or dog or something.

In Gen 3, for the first time, legendary Pokemon, rather than being hidden and out of the way, are thrust firmly in your face. This is the beginning of a change but, at least it's still a big lump of pain to actually capture Kyogre, Groudon or Rayquaza. While this gen also starts the trend of having more legendaries than it knows what to do with, it also makes up for it by having the most esoteric, "Mew is under the truck" type garbage puzzles in the whole series to get the golem-based Regis.

After this, things go bad quick. Starting in Gen 5 and continuing onwards, even being awkwardly shoehorned into the remakes of Gen 3, legendaries go from something you can seek out if you fancy a challenge or are a collector or want the power that comes with them... to being something that's literally handed to you on a silver platter, and that the game will not progress unless you acquire. This is bad and sucks. We'll get to it later.

Speaking of getting to things later. Next time, I guess... will be the Elite Four. After that, assuming I succeed, I'm gonna do some wrap up stuff. I do want to make some posts on here that aren't simply entries, talking about my overall opinion of Gen 1, my experience with nuzlocking it, and also discussing my opinions on some of the Pokemon found therein, which I will generally try to keep positive, since every Pokemon is someone's favorite and it's better to praise something that someone else might not have thought twice about than it is to criticize something that someone else might love. I may give a passing mention to which Pokemon appeal to me the least, but I would say that there are no Pokemon that I think are completely awful or unworthy of Being A Pokemon. (Also that gap will give me the time to finish Sun and buy an Ultra game which, given that MOST people I know who bought Moon were boring and then also bought Ultra Moon rather than buying Ultra Sun which I would think to make sense, will probably be Ultra Sun cause like, then I can trade my Blacephalon for their Stakataka or whatevs.) And then after that... Gen 2.

So, yeah. This has been an experiment so far and I'm really happy with how it has turned out. I look forward, not just to playing but also to writing each installment, and ideally, you look forward to reading them, even if they are uploaded at really weird times.

I'm gonna update the sidebar when I wake up in the... afternoon. Working overnights weirds time.

[letlhogonolotakesuclalaw]

Shelved Memories, Fractured  Relationships, Loss and Healing

It’s a beautiful and sunny Tuesday afternoon in Los Angeles. Today will be good day I tell myself. It is a  particularly exciting day because a certain distinguished lecturer from the  University of Free State will be giving a lecture in the history department.  Yes, another South African in LA. I was told that it is going to be an  exciting lecture. The lecture is on the sixth floor of the history  department. I don't know where the history building is and my google maps is taking  me around in circles and I finally sent a text to the Black Grads UCLA group and  someone directs me to the building. I get there and the lecture begins  shortly. Dr Chitja Twala delivers a lecture on Culture activities and  resistance art as tools of the liberation struggle in the Free State, South  Africa, 1970s -1990s. It wasn't a particularly interesting lecture but the  Americans were impressed, I think anything about South Africa impresses them.  

I get a WhatsApp call from my uncle  and I can't answer. I sent him a message to tell him I can't answer and he  says that I should call him after the lecture. I immediately got this sick  feeling in my gut and my gut keeps saying that something is terribly wrong. I  have a look at the time and it is probably passed ten in the evening in South  Africa and he calling me means that something has to be wrong.

 This lecture needs to end so that I can  call him. After the lecture, I call him and he asks me where I am and I tell  him I am walking on campus. He tells me to find a quiet place and sit down.  His tone confirms my suspicions. I tell myself that something is terribly  wrong. I proceeded to the Grad office and go into Sidney's office. She seems  excited to see me and asks about my weekend. I tell her that something is  wrong and I start crying. She closes her office door. I call my uncle. He  relays the story that my mom fell that morning and proceeds to tell me all  the details of that day and then he says "I'm afraid I don't have good  news for you." I'm not sure what he is saying, although I am. I asked  him "what exactly are you saying?" He says "your mom has  passed away". I let out a loud cry. I think my heart stopped for a  minute. I thought I was dreaming. I thought that I was having a bad dream I  was desperate to wake up from. I put down the phone. He calls again. I'm  uncertain how to answer his question when he asks how I am doing, I wasn't  sure myself.

You see the last couple of years of  my mom's life, we had a very complicated relationship. I think it came with  me working. It reminds me of an essay called The Eternal Intern I read in  "We write what we like" edited by Yolisa Qunta. I

 As black people working, we shoulder  and take on a lot of responsibility and for many of us we are our parents’  saving grace, their ticket out of poverty. But sadly, the system works  tirelessly to ensure that we do not truly become that ticket. The system is  not created to allow me to be in full flourish. In theory, my big 5 law  salary after my degree should have been able to take good care of my mother  and her family. All the sacrifices finally paying off, but it didn't. I moved  to Johannesburg, which meant that I had to get a place to stay, a car, buy  working clothing, live in Johannesburg and send money home to my mom and take  care of my sister. I did the best that I can but in many ways it was not  enough. This caused a drift in our relationship. I am a new age person  and my mom is of the older generation, a clash between the generations. I  expressed my discomfort a lot and I felt that she didn't care about me, but I  was completely wrong - I didn't see her point of view. I didn’t see that  I was her ticket to a better life.

 So, when I left for LA I was uneasy,  I felt that there was unfinished business in South Africa and my first two  months, I was uneasy and now I see why I was. She was going to pass away. My  mom and I last spoke two weeks before her passing. It was  a video call. She was happy to see me alive  and well. I was too. I am saddened that when she passed she couldn't call me.  I am saddened that I was many miles away in another country. Her death cut me  deep. I was angry at life for being so cruel. I mean, I had come to LA to  follow my dreams but inadvertently it would mean that this degree would  better her life as well. After my crying, I become the lawyer that I am, and  starting thinking about what is going to happen. I won't lie to you. The Grad  office at UCLA is incredible, within minutes - a flight back was booked (just  changed my initial return flight) and my Professors would be notified of the  horrid news.  But being the lawyer that I am, my first question was  to ask about the contract I signed to be at UCLA, I had many questions about  what happens if I don't come back. I was assured that it should be the least  of my worries.

I messaged my friends in LA and  South Africa and broke the tragic news to them, the number of texts and calls  were overwhelming, my people were showing up for me. I went to my house. I  was never left alone until I made it to the airport the next day. It was  incredible how black people were showing up for me in my time of need. At  embarking on the hardest journey of my life - 27 hours of travelling back to  SA all by myself. It was a brutal and lonely time for me. I cried in  airports, in flights and had to constantly let people know not to be alarmed  if they saw me cry. It was the worst 27 hours of my life. I wrote a lot, I  cried a lot.  I wrote about my grandmother who passed when I was in  grade 11. She was an amazing womxn, who took care of me on her social welfare  - she died while she was in her 50s. I was reminded of the death of my aunt,  who took care of me - her death happened suddenly in her early forties and  now I was flying across the world to bury my mom who died at 50. Who fell and  died at 50. This was all too much to handle. I arrived in South Africa on  Friday morning and had friends come meet me at the airport and sit down and  cry with me. I needed that. To be held close and to be given the space to  cry. The loss seemed insurmountable.  From the airport it was  straight to Kimberley. My uncle - the same one who broke the news - drove us.  While driving, he asked me if I had any dollars with me because he hadn't  seen one. I told him yes and proceeded to show him. It is these moments that  remind me that traveling abroad is an act of revolution. It reminds me of the  words of Koleka Putuma "crossing  oceans is an achievement even for those left behind."

We got to Kimberley, got to my mom's house and the work began. This  was going to be the longest week of my life. I had to plan the funeral of the  womxn who birthed me. It was an incredibly difficult time. Guys, black  funerals are a lot. As the younger generation we need to think of a new way  of grieving and celebrating our loved ones. A week-long of feeding people and  prepare for the funeral by the bereaved is not on. I didn't have many moments  to grieve and mourn the death of my mom. I was too busy running around  ensuring that everything was going well. It was lot. An entire mess. To make  matters worse, I was jet lagged. Waking up at 2am each morning and having to  function until 10pm each time was  cruel  on my well-being but had to be done. It's only by the grace of God that I  managed to do all things. The Bible says

The LORD is close to the  brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. - Psalm 34:18 Some  of the hardest things I had to do was choose the casket she was doing to be  laid to rest in. There is nothing as final as choosing the casket. What rang  in my head was she is gone. Another task was finalising the program. Yoh! Guys!  Finalising her program broke me, I cried.  The preparation gave me some time to think  back. My mom raised me in a shack - this is significant. She opened a spaza  shop in her shack and put me through my primary school and took care of our  needs. My mom taught me about the Pan Africanist Movement - she'd always say  " I am pure PAC". She introduced me to Robert Mangaliso Sobukwe and  Stephen Bantu Biko. She was my library, she was a wise womxn with great  ideas. She was not university educated but she was  intelligent.  She always wanted her children to get what she  couldn't. She was an active member in the fight against apartheid. She used  to tell me stories of her fighting the system, her time in detention and when  she was electrocuted more times than I can count. . She was brave. I had  forgotten these things when our relationship soured but during that week I  was reminded of the womxn who gave me life and her  passion for learning. This is why black  womxn will always be it for me. Mosadi  o tshwara thipa ka bohaleng

 There is a song on the album Moya  called Nobanzi. It brought me so much healing. Nobanzi is a song by Khanyisa  Buti, who sings about his grandmother who was in informal trader. This song embodies  the womxn who raised me. 

 The day of the funeral I had barely  slept. It was the longest 4- hours of my life. We saw my mom in her casket.  She looked different but the same. She was resting. She was gone. She was gone.  My little sister and I spoke at the funeral. My little sisters reminded me of  two things mama always used to say "life  is a bitch" and "over my  dead body" and these phrases seemed appropriate for the occasion. We  were standing there over her dead body and life was a bitch for taking her  away so soon. The service went beautifully, mama is resting in dignity. The  dignity that she deserves.

 And how am I feeling? I'm mostly  calm. I am very grateful for the opportunity to have come to South Africa to  bury my mother. I am grateful for all the people that showed up in various  ways. The people who held my heart and prayed with and for me. I am grateful  to have come home to a solid support network. Home has been so healing.  

And now I'm writing this on my  flight back to the US - a decision I didn't take easily. I don't want to go  back. I felt like there was no point for me to go back to LA and finish this  degree.  I am afraid that I won't do well and I wouldn't cope. I'm  afraid to embarrass myself. But I'm going back to honour her memory. I'm  going back because all my achievements belong to the womxn in my life - who  have nurtured me. I wrote this as part of a longer piece when I was traveling  back. 

 Dear Mama,

Now like  your mother and sister, you will never get to see get how all your traumas  have created miracles. 

How your  shebeen and tuck shop money made a dreamer of out of your seed. I will become  your wildest dreams my whole life. For you, your mother and your sister. I am  going back to LA. Afraid, broken and on my way to healing.

 Robala ka  Kagiso Tlhapi. You are deeply loved by me. 

 Your son,

Tlhogi