#I keep it up there for my own amusement. seeing ppl still like it baffles me. GENUINELY.

[smoreal]

Also, after I get my shit together, I WILL be posting shit on my ao3 for the first time ever… I usually just posted on here or on Wattpad…

[pointedly-foolish]

[ stíckч fíngєrs ]

word count: 1090

pairing: connor | rk800/oc

genre: gen

summary: « oh wait, where's...? the detective exclaimed as they rummaged through their bag. i must've-- sorry i really need to... they trailed off. wait here. »

the android simply nodded as he watched the figure scurry away to some part of the precinct.

in the meantime, he found a few things to distract himself with: rhythmically tapping the desk, fidgeting with his coin... he glanced up at the decorated desk and saw a prompt: [ X | ᴱˣᴬᴹᴵᴺᴱ ᴰᴱˢᴷ ] should he...?

a/n: trying to unblock myself and start writing again... so i decided to write some oc x canon stuff as tiny exercise... kinda funny thing that i wrote to also flesh out my oc in a way,,,? ya boi fell in a hole of oc x canon that he thought he would avoid for the longest of times lmao,,, one (1) android controls my life end me,,, in case you do decide to read this, tiny pointers to not be confused: - in this au connor, 60, and rk900 are deviant and work at the DPD. since they're considered rookies (only started officially working as a detective for about a month) they're assigned partners; connor with hank, conan (rk900) with gavin, colin (60) with my oc esmé. - this ficlet mentions my friend's (@miusmius​) oc, Ona Boix, who is also a detective at the DPD (i included her in the artwork, and by default in this work)... i don't own her, she doesn't belong to me... mius dont sue me pls

the drawing was made cuz i wanted to do a challenge where i draw a bunch of different ppl lol

i think that's about it? hope you enjoy this silly thing.

{ [ X | ᴱˣᴬᴹᴵᴺᴱ ᴰᴱˢᴷ ] }

the desk itself is relatively neat, sheaf of paper stacked together and tucked away neatly on one side of the table. other personable belongings such as potted plants, picture frames, and a small owl statuette are organised meticulously. office supplies are placed in cups and holders, not a single item out of place. upon closer inspection, however, the android noticed one item that was not like the other: unnoticeable at first, there was a black pen amidst the others that resembled his… the fountain pen he lost a few days ago.

[ ａｎａｌｙｓｉｎｇ... ] [ ᴬᴺᴬᴸᵞˢᴵˢ ᶜᴼᴹᴾᴸᴱᵀᴱ: ᴸᴬᴹᵞ 2000 ᶠᴼᵁᴺᵀᴬᴵᴺ ᴾᴱᴺ, ᴾᴿᴼᴰᵁᶜᵀ ᶜᴼᴰᴱ ᴸᴹᵞ-ᴸ01ᴱᶠ ]

he pushed aside the rest of the result, ignoring the trivial information such as material (black polycarbonate—makrolon and stainless steel), and swiped the pen up, inspecting the pen’s body. on it was a delicately etched “connor anderson”, coining it as his pen; the one that was gifted to him. stuffing it into his pocket, he now realised how much of the detective’s belongings weren’t actually theirs: hank’s music player, det. collins’ notepad, and headphones he swore he last saw with officer chen. baffled at how no one has noticed yet, he collected said items to be returned after. though most of the stolen goods are of little value and easily replaceable, he settled to discuss the detective’s kleptomaniac tendencies with them soon.

continuing his inspection, he noted the multiple flyers and notes that adorned the detective’s magnetic board: small notices and stickers from past concert—panic! at the disco (which he found out was a well known alternative rock artist who managed to keep his career afloat even after the popularisation of android bands) and others, both popular and indie, of differing languages.

a small timetable and calendar marked a few important dates, circled and annotated accordingly. a small to-do list is taped near it, date at the top right corner. most of the writing is smudged—[ ᴿᵁᴺᴺᵞ ᶠᴼᵁᴺᵀᴬᴵᴺ ᴾᴱᴺ? ˢᴹᵁᴰᴳᴱᴰ ᴾᴱᴺᶜᴵᴸ? ] – “buy food for paris after work” it seemed odd that the detective still took on-paper reminders when a digital alternative was available, not to mention broadcasting them in full view. – “concert Jules     8:30 pm [sic.]” but perhaps they simply preferred the act of physically writing them down, or leaving behind a trace of their last location in the off chance that something happened… who was this “jules”? he decided not to look the person up, though curiosity was tempting. he resisted the urge (that his non-deviant self would have complied to immediately) if not to give the detective their privacy. he trusted them enough to know that they’d tell him about this individual if they need to.

on the top left corner of the board was a sticky note that wasn’t quite like the others: instead of the neat, smooth lines that was characteristic of their handwriting, this one was a messy scrawl that made it almost illegible—detective reed’s handwriting. under it was a smaller sticky note, belonging to the desk’s owner, which read “asshole”. « succinctly put » the android thought with a small smile of amusement.

the final object, which was a more recent addition to the heavily decorated board was a photograph of a recent birthday “party”, which was more of a potluck to be quite honest. his smile remained, and one may even note that it has become marginally brighter as his features softened. a photograph annotated with the raven haired detective’s commentary (entire precinct made up of loose canons—which wasn’t exactly wrong in his mind), which showcased the coworkers being together and celebrating hank’s birthday (while det. reed sulks on a kitchen counter, frustrated. the android chuckled at the annotations, “trash” is right.).

he scanned through each individual: his “brothers”, colin and conan—taken aback slightly at the fact that the three were called fucko 1-through-3; det. boix and officer chen (titled queens—fittingly as both were incredible at their work, though he sometimes wonder why officer chen still hasn’t been promoted yet…); the man he considers his father—lt. hank anderson—“world’s okayest dad” seeming like an understatement (though he’s quite sure it’s joke shared among the detective and the lieutenant); the two canines—sumo (the best saint bernard there ever was) and paris (the best german shepherd there ever was), and finally the desk’s owner themselves: det. esmé thomas, the person he’s waiting for right now. the picture was a slightly candid one (he didn’t recall being informed that they were going to have their picture taken), but he felt a sense of peace in seeing the group’s genuine joy being captured. it was nice to see them enjoying each other’s presence (some had a harder time showing it, though reed was slowly coming around) after the chaos a few months ago.

« hey, i’m back! sorry for making you wait... we can go now, suggested a voice from his far right. he turned his head to face its source before nodding. – alright. »

unlike hank, esmé preferred to drive in complete silence, the only sounds audible were the traffic outside and the thrumming of the car engine. after a few moments, the detective restarted the conversation: « did you have fun snooping around my desk? they asked playfully. – i was merely inspecting it… i noticed it had a new picture on it, he answered truthfully. – yup, they smirked, you like it? it was from last weekend. – it was certainly amusing, what with the flavour text. – ah, i was hoping you’d say that fucko #1, they chuckled. – so we’re a precinct filled with loose canons? he pushed playfully, rolling his eyes. – i don’t see you disagreeing, they replied, glancing briefly at the android. – touché. »

a moment of silence passed as the conversation died once more, the quietness accompanying them in their drive. but it was fine. it was a comfortable silence as they waited to reach their destination. a question was, however, on the tip of the android’s tongue for what would’ve been the entire ride so far, so he decided to ask them: « i’ve been meaning to ask you… he started. the driver made a « hmm? » to inform the passenger that they were listening. – but why are you wearing detective reed’s sunglasses? he pointed at the accessory on the detective’s shirt collar. »

the question goes unanswered and the android gives up on the thought of ever getting a reply, when the person besides him answered determinedly, not a hint of shame in their voice as they admitted the theft: « it was shiny and i wanted it. »

like my work? consider ordering a commission // buying me a coffee // checking out my art tag or my masterlist | links can be found on my desc

[horansqueen]

BabyGirl 11.0

NOTES:

♥ this is based on a concept i received a few weeks ago and ppl asked that i made a story with it. ♥ i planned 3-4 long parts but i think it’ll be 8-10 short parts okay more like 15 parts? lol ♥ 3.4k. fluff. ♥ there may be smut but i doubt it and IF it happens it wont be as explicit as my other smut works. ♥ i didn’t proofread and if you read my stuff you know i never do because im a lazy ass. ♥ i really hope people are still interested in this and i hope this is not too bad? INTENSE FLUFF ALERT! you’re warned lol! ♥ if you have any questions please dont hesitate.

♥ PART 1  // PART 2 // PART 3  // PART 4 // PART 5 // PART 6 // PART 7 // PART 8 // PART 9 // PART 10

                                11.0 RINGS AND PARENTING

HIM

I brought Chelsea to her improvised room after a quick stop to the bathroom and helped her in bed before going through my stuff to find a new shirt for her to borrow. She remained sitting in bed, waiting for me, and when I came back, I chuckled and sat in front of her.

"You couldn't take off your clothes yourself?" I teased, raising my eyebrows and laughing again.

"I can, but I like when you take care of me." she answered with a shrug.

I felt my heart melt and my amused smile turned into a fond one. I was trying to find something smart or kind to answer but i felt speechless. I never expected her honesty and it always destabilized me to hear her so open about her feelings and thoughts, perhaps because I was not really used to express mine. Or maybe because I had spent years trying to keep them as secret as I could. I guess it was part of the job, and the only time I could really let them out was in the songs I wrote.

Chelsea grabbed the shirt from my hands, taking me out of my thoughts, and stared at it for a few seconds before looking back up in my eyes,

"You said you had a shirt exactly like mine, can I wear it?"

I felt my heart bump against my rib cage at her request and breathed in deeply, trying to find the right words.

"I can't, I'm sorry, I don't have it anymore."

Her eyes got bigger and she stared at me, her lips parting slightly.

"Where is it?"

I moved on the bed, feeling a bit uncomfortable. I was not going to lie to her but at the same time, I couldn't spill the biggest bomb ever right there.

"I left it at someone's place." I just answered. "Someone important. Someone I love. And i'm sure they're taking good care of it."

She nodded slowly, looking at the shirt she had in hands, and gently, I helped her take her own shirt off and put the new one on, which was clearly too large for her. She lied down and I grabbed her pants on both legs, pulling on it quickly and making her laugh.

"Socks on or off?" I just asked, raising my eyebrows.

She seemed to hesitate but shook her head. "I'll keep them. I love them."

"You're right, they're amazing."

I saw the chain of her necklace due to the large collar of the shirt she was wearing and reached for it, placing it over her shirt. It brought so many memories and they all sped up in my brain, making me feel a bunch of emotions I had suppress with the years. I liked this necklace and when I gave it to her mother, I meant every single word that came out of my mouth on that day, no matter how cheesy they were.

"Do you know what that necklace means, Chelsea?"

I looked up to meet her eyes and she was frowning. It was cute and I sat better on the bed, moving slightly closer to her. i knew I had to choose my words wisely again and I took a few seconds to think before speaking.

"Those come in pairs. The person who buys it keeps the heart and give the key to someone they love." I explained slowly. "I know it's cliché, but basically, it means that person always has the key to the other’s heart."

She blinked a few times and looked down at the key, grabbing it with her tiny fingers to see it better. I remember saying something similar to my girlfriend when I gave it to her, and I remember keeping the heart with me at all times. It was just an image, a way to tell her how much I loved her without really saying it, but from the reaction she had had back then, I knew it had the desired effect I had hoped for.

"Someone they love?" she asked, making me nod. "Like the person you gave your shirt to?"

I stared at her in surprise, shocked that she had linked both stories although there was no reason to. I hadn't even mentioned the fact that I bought necklaces like hers but for some reason, she had made a connection I never even thought about.

"Uhm, yes, someone like that person."

"I thought you loved my mommy." she pointed out. "Are you gonna marry her?"

This time, the shock on my face was obvious. I was lost for words, unable to find an answer to give her. How could a four year old literally leave me speechless like that?

"I-I don't... I don't know, Chelsea."

Instead to get more curious, she started yawning and it made me chuckle. I didn't have to find a way to switch the conversation and bring it in an other direction, I could see my daughter was tired and that's all it took.

"Come on, enough chatting, it's getting late."

She didn't argue and lied down with an other yawn. I helped her get under the covers and brought them up to her chin, letting two of my fingers slip in her hair.

"Are you okay? Do you need anything else?"

She shook her head and I sent her a smile. I never thought I would enjoy these simple moments but I cherish them with everything I have. I always knew I wanted kids but I never thought it would be so soon. In fact, I wanted it to be later in life, but sometimes, life doesn't go as planned, and occasionally, it ends up being better than we thought.

"Goodnight, Chelsea." I whispered, bending my upper body closer to her. "I love you."

She suddenly sat up and threw her arms around my neck. My heart jumped in surprise but for the second time that day, I pulled her closer and hugged her against me. It filled my heart with a warm feeling that I couldn't explain and I closed my eyes. It was the kind of memories I wanted to keep engraved in my mind forever.

I didn't know how long this hug would last but there was no way I would break it first. Chelsea finally yawned in my ear again and I smiled as she let go of me to lie back down.

"If you need anything, your mom and I will be near, alright?"

She nodded and her eyes fluttered close. It was my cue to leave and I turned the lights off and closed the door behind me before walking back to my room. I walked to my drawers and opened the first one, pushing some of my socks to find what I was looking for. I didn't know If I was really going to do it now, but I knew that back then, I had no hesitation. I grabbed the small box and slipped it in my pocket. I was going to do it because it felt right, and because I wanted it, and it was about time I started to put myself first. For so long, I had taken decisions to make others happy, but it was going to change.

HER

I grabbed the dishes and started rinsing them slowly, lost in my thoughts, putting them in the dish washer randomly and hoping that it was how Niall was doing it normally. I knew he was a bit anal when it came to his stuff and I didn't want to annoy him. I was lost in my thoughts and didn't hear him when he came back until he moved behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist from behind. I turned the water off and a smile appeared on my lips immediately. His body warmth made me feel suddenly better and I tilted my head slightly when his lips brushed against the skin of my neck.

"How's our daughter?" I asked in a whisper to be sure Chelsea wouldn't hear.

"Good, she's probably sleeping by now."

He dropped a kiss on my temple and let go of me to reach the fridge, grabbing the bottle of red wine and placing it on the counter. After pouring two glasses, he handed me one and I leaned against the table. He stared at me as he took a sip and I did the same. I was not used to see Niall drink wine but I couldn't help to think he looked good and that there was nothing I wanted more than to be close to him.

"Thank you for putting her to bed for me." I let out with a sigh, taking a bigger sip this time.

"Don't thank me, it's part of the job." he pointed out before his face cracked into a smile. "And to be quite honest with you, I really like spending time with her."

His confession made me smile back at him and i leaned against the isle, facing him.

"You seemed a bit lost in your thoughts, too." he added. "Are you okay?"

I put my glass on the isle and shook my head slightly.

"I was just a bit.. baffled, by your conversation with Chelsea."

He raised his eyebrows and crossed his ankles, leaning more against the counter. I noticed an amused grin on his lips and it made me roll my eyes with a chuckle.

"I can bet you're not talking about the socks conversation."

I laughed and shook my head again, moving a lock of my hair behind my ear. I thought i'd be nervous to talk about our relationship with Niall but I was at ease and comfortable, and I saw it as a proof we were really meant to be.

"I mean, when you said you love me." I explained, licking my lips. "It sort of took me by surprise."

I saw his eyebrows move as he frowned slightly. "I thought... I thought I made it clear."

"I don't know Niall." I shrugged, having a hard time to explain my exact thoughts. "I know you said you used to love me, but I didn't know if you still did, or..."

I stopped myself and closed my eyes, inhaling deeply and sighing.

"I love you too." I just admitted, my eyes still closed. "I never stopped."

Slowly, I found the courage to open my eyes again, noticing he was now closer to me. My heart jumped in my chest but I wasn't sure it was because of what I had just professed, or because of the way he was looking at me.

"I have something for you."

He dived his hand in his pocket and I frowned at how quickly he had changed the subject. I felt a bit ridiculous now and also quite bad. It seemed like he didn't really want to talk about feelings and I didn't want to force him.

I cleared my throat and waited until he handed me a small box. It brought a smile back on my lips and I grabbed it gently. Inside was a plastic ring very similar to the one he gave Chelsea a few hours earlier, except for the color of the fake stone, and I chuckled, taking it and putting the box away.

"You're ridiculous." I joked with a large grin, putting it on my ring finger. "Thank you."

I stared at it for a few seconds, moving my hand very slightly to see the artificial light of the kitchen reflect on the fake blue stone, until he grabbed my hand and pulled it closer to him.

"When I first met you, I knew something would happen with you. I didn't know how long it would last, and I didn't know how it would go. All I knew is that after only a few hours around you, I felt it in my heart that I could love you."

His fingers warmed mine and he squeezed them more. I was disconcerted by how serious he had suddenly become. He was not smiling anymore and I could read in his eyes that his words were important. I held my breath as I drank his words, trying to remain motionless.

"And I did. I fell in love with you. It was a feeling I was not used to. In fact, I had never felt like that before and I was not sure what I was supposed to do, and how things were supposed to go. I didn't open up to you. I didn't know how to tell you all the feelings I had for you, and what I expected from our relationship. I didn't know how to handle it, and I had no idea how to add boundaries, or how to respect yours. I was scared to make a mistake so I did nothing and somehow, I feel like it's part of the reason, or all of it, why we didn't work out back then."

I swallowed a lump in my throat, making sure I wouldn't let tears out, but it was not an easy task. i allowed myself to breathe in and my lips parted a bit as I stared at him. He looked down at our hands and frowned as if he thought of a memory or a feeling he didn't understand.

"I didn't talk much but my mind was constantly moving, thinking of ways to make you happy, or doing things I felt like you would want me to do. And one day..." He stopped himself and swallowed. "One day, I bought this."

I frowned, waiting for what was next, still looking at him, until I felt him move my fingers again. My gaze dropped down and my breath caught in my throat. I felt like my whole body was on fire and I let him push an other ring against the plastic one. This one was clearly not from a vending machine. It was a heart shaped with diamonds but it was still delicate and simple. I swallowed hard and when i finally succeeded to look away from it, my eyes met his.

"It's just an engagement ring, and I never could decide of a right way, or a right time to ask you, but I knew I was gonna ask you." He paused and inhaled deeply, still staring at me. "My life was so hectic back then. I was always traveling the world, doing concerts, recording... I was exhausted all the time, and I felt guilty to bring you into this lifestyle that you clearly hadn't chosen. But I bought this ring for when things would be better, for when we would wake up together in the same bed more than just once in a while. I bought it and there was not a single doubt in my mind that I would ask you to marry me someday."

He squeezed my fingers again, the ring felt heavy on my hand because of everything it implied but his words made me feel lighter than I had ever felt before.

"I don't want to do things the way I did them last time. I want to open up to you this time. Because that's what people do when they love each other. They don't let the other get lost, or wait for them. They don't expect the other to guess how they feel and they don't lie to them. It's gonna be different this time."

I felt my eyes fill with water once again but this time, I didn’t stop the tears. He brought my hand to his mouth and kissed my fingers, his lips barely brushing against my skin.

"I'm not forcing you, you can say no if you want to, and there will be no harm feelings, no guilt trip, no awkward moment. You can say it's too soon, you can take it off and never wear it, and you are in no way obligated to love me, or marry me. But I love you, and I bought this ring for you. You do whatever you want to do with it because I will never buy an other one, for anyone else. You're the only one I want to marry. You're the only one I want to spend my life with."

With his free hand, he reached for my cheek and wiped the tears off before bringing his hand to my chin, tilting my head up. We stared at each other for a few seconds and I could read the sincerity of his words in his eyes. It made my heart stir and I licked my lips.

"I love you too, Niall." I let out in a whisper. "You know I want to wear it. I would have worn it back then too. I would have accepted your busy schedule. I would have followed you around the world."

His face changed into a guilt expression and he just nodded slowly, blinking a few times. I gripped the front of his shirt and started nibbling on my bottom lip.

"I've never stopped loving you either. Not a second. You were always there with me. In my thoughts, in my heart, in every single thing I did. I would always wonder what you would do, or how you'd react if you were there... what you'd say, how it would feel... how different things would be." I closed my eyes tight for a few seconds and opened them again. "I don't want to be without you anymore, okay?"

"Okay." he whispered, moving his face closer and pressing his lips against mine.

I let go of his shirt and brought both my arms around his neck, pulling him closer to me. His arms wrapped around my waist as he pressed my body against his. and kissed me deeper. I could feel myself cry again, my tears falling on both our mouths and salting the kiss we were sharing. I didn't care about anything but what was happening at this exact moment, but I knew the whole speech he had spoken and the engagement ring were two things that would really hit me later.

"I love you so much." I breathed, allowing my lips to leave his only for a second.

He pushed our bodies and my butt pressed against the isle and it made my lips curl a bit. One of his hand moved to the front of my shirt, brushing against my breasts and down to my stomach before slipping under it. Without thinking, I let out a very low whimper, making him smirk against my lips.

"I haven't touched you in so long." he mentioned in a murmur. "Is it a bad time?"

I smiled and moved my head back slightly with a smile.

"Not a bad time, but a bad place." I corrected with a laugh. "When you have a kid, there's more chance to get caught. We should go to your room."

He laughed too and I could swear his eyes were sparkling when he picked me up. I let him bring me to his room and he closed the door with one of his feet, letting me fall on the bed as he placed himself over me. His lips found mine again and I brought my hands to his back, pulling on his shirt and moving it over his head to take it off. His lips brushed down to my neck and a throbbing sensation appeared all over my body.

"I may have gained some weight..." I started, making him move back to look in my eyes.

"It looks amazing." he just said, cutting me. "I don't want you to ever apologize for what you look like, or for who you are. There is nothing wrong with you."

I felt my heart jump and nodded slightly at his words. I had never felt so loved in my entire life. Back then, when Niall and I dated, I was not sure if he really loved me, but this time, he said he wanted to make things different, and I knew we were up to a good start.

"You didn't give me a ring just to get in my pants, did you?" I joked, trying to lighten the mood.

"No... Did I need it?" he wondered with a laugh, raising his eyebrows and making me chuckle.

"No, definitely not."

The truth was, I could lie all I wanted, I felt like I belonged to him. There was a reason why I couldn't take him out of my head and heart all these years, and I was convinced that reason was right there and then. I was drowning in feelings and It made me realize this was not just an other love story. It was epic, and I was ready for it.

[i-want-my-iwtv]

How has the purge affected u?

[Apologies in advance for the Wall of Text™, I feel like longposting, sorry for the dash coverage, I didn’t think I had this much to say about this… And I probably shouldn’t do this, probably should have kept this to a flippant “It sucks!” with a VC meme, but I haven’t shared much publicly lately… now feels like a singularly poignant time to do so.]

NO CUTS WE LONGPOST LIKE MEN

It’s strange. I think running and participating in the @vcsecretgifts exchange (not finished yet!), and backing up that blog and this one for preservation (not finished yet!), helped take my mind off it! I’ve been busy with @wicked-felina coordinating substitute Santas, so I haven’t had much chance to indulge in it like a participant yet, but I did see that my recipient liked my gift, and that was heartwarming! I’ll reply properly when I have the peace of mind for it (yes I could be doing it now but this is the gear I want to be on right now), and I haven’t had a chance to read the gift from my own Santa, I’m saving that as a treat!

I did the #Log/ffProt/st, that helped. The purge is/was creatively stifling, somewhat, too, bc even though I don’t produce NS/FW stuff myself (I WANT TO, THO), I do reblog it, and support it, I see other artists and writers affected by it, and I felt and still feel helpless, unable to protect them. One of our VC fandom members who draws slash art has been shadowbanned, that I know of. It’s frustrating that the morality & purity police seem to have won this battle, but they haven’t won the war. We’ll take our garbage underground if we have to. 

How crushing to wake up to one’s blog(s) just canceled w/o explanation? We were given 2 weeks’ notice? To pack up our “nasty” stuff and leave? 

[X]

There’s nothing wrong with NS/FW stuff, adult ppl should be able to talk about it, fantasize about it, make art and write fiction about it, have kinks and explore them. I never bought the “if you like it in fiction you support it in reality!” argument, just like with all dangerous things we like in fiction but wouldn’t want in reality. 

“… Fiction is how we both study and de-fang our monsters. To lock violent fiction away, or to close our eyes to it, is to give our monsters and our fears undeserved power and richer hunting grounds.” - Warren Ellis [X]

But I’ve fought those battles and there’s no point in engaging in unwinnable debate with ppl who are committed to misunderstanding me and twisting my words into a strawman they can easily knock over.  

It’s baffling that it’s an unpopular opinion that minors should be allowed to learn about sex, as much as they learn about how to (eventually) drive a car, manage alcohol consumption, defend themselves against violence, handle medication or recreational drugs, all these things that are potentially and not inherently dangerous to them, that they’ll be faced with in the Real World. I remember there were religious rituals in my youth where children could taste alcohol a little bit, it was exposure to an adult thing in a safe space, among other adults. Is this really all about Protecting the Children? Really? Or is it about mental domination? What it looks like to me is a self-proclaimed Particular Authority who wants to keep minors (and adults) submissive and reliant on that Particular Authority, it’s so much easier to keep them submissive and reliant to that same Particular Authority as adults. It’s always been about power. 

And I’m seeing that the communities most affected by the purge are AFAB ppl and LGBTQIA+. It’s misogynistic, LGBTQIA+-phobic. The fact that tungle reportedly blocked archivists from saving blogs before the NS/FW purge is just pouring salt in the wound.

I’ve started following these refugee/evicted tumblr ppl where they’ve migrated to. I’m trying to keep track of them. I’m in the @fiction-is-not-reality2 discord server, keeping my eye out for the next alternative platform.

Leading up to the purge I considered blasting a bunch of smut as a last hurrah, and I did reblog some Controversial™ stuff, just in case my blog was going to be deleted, but then, I lost steam on that. Why put in extra effort and get deleted anyway? Why poke the bear, and deliberately get deleted for it? Most of my blog is SFW, anyway.

I preserved my blog, the gifts blog, and just for archival purposes I should have been doing that all along, so it was good for my own historical safekeeping… so much good commentary and fanworks here, in the past 5+ years! Collecting the scraps just like I’d done in 1994, when there were articles about the IWTV movie and I wanted all of them, I especially wanted the illustrations and caricatures in the magazines (which was really validating of my interest in some way, fanart that was published, essentially!). And I had my folder of Deviantart I liked, of course. So I packed up my blog here to preserve it, it’s on wordpress now, iwantmyiwtv.com, with a lame layout, but I’ve got the tags showing, where fanart that’s blocked here can still be seen on WP.

I’m rambling. 

The purge reminded me that all this, as we know it, could and will be gone someday. Purges have done that before, especially to our fandom, attacked by its own canon author. We’ve survived this before. 

I’ve been on tungle since July ‘13. I’ve made and lost some wonderful friends here, some have moved on to other fandoms, or we’ve had partings of the ways. The fanart in this fandom, my memes, have been spread all over, I see them on Pinterest, Facebook, Twitter. When this blog is deleted, either by content flagging or by tumblr finally keeling over, our stuff is going to outlive us all.  

Who even made this one? One of the vintage memes. Maybe their watermark was long ago cropped off, or maybe they hadn’t put it on:

^It was used in a meme here, but I don’t think that was the OP, it’s gotta be more than 4 yrs old. Pretty sure the “JUDGING YOU” in Impact font was around Twilight time, which came out in 2008. This meme is still floating around, it’s still amusing to ppl all these years later. Someone’s stroke of inspiration, and we may never know who it was, but we enjoy it, it’s part of the worn fabric of the fandom.

Will ppl remember me when/if I’m gone? I don’t need to be remembered, it’s enough that I was here at one point, and encouraged ppl to make fanworks, that I helped bring ppl together. I don’t need them to know it was me, specifically, or know much about me, this blog was never meant to be about me. Those I brought together might remember how they met. There are those who have seen behind the curtain and I hope to hang onto them as long as possible.

If/When this all disappears, I want ppl to know how much I enjoyed interacting with ppl through asks, the chat feature. I’ve missed answering asks, and I’ve missed the feeling of seeing new ask alerts without having to brace myself for Discourse. I’ve missed seeing that anon icon as a friendly, but shy, human being, rather than a living person who’s in pain, somewhere else in the world, throwing bricks through my window. Someone who’s suffering bc they’re not getting the attention they need, truly, someone who deserves to be loved, someone who needs validation for their opinions on things, and wanted mine, but I couldn’t give it. I’m only human, too. I made this blog for 15 year old me, who couldn’t find enough VC fanworks, so I set out to collect, make, and encourage them, but all in the spirit of optimism, bc that’s what I got out of canon. 15 year old me drew self esteem from those books. That’s the only person I ever wanted to please with this thing and that girl is still my priority. 

We’ll survive this purge, we’ve done it before. Hold onto the ppl who you’ve made connections with. I’ll be here as long as I can. 

Most importantly, I’m not letting the morality & purity police tell me what ’m allowed to learn about, make fanworks about, or enjoy in published or fan fiction, etc. 

[therewas-a-girl]

What do u like about Wildqueen?

Anon i love that u asked me this question (i cant sleep so this is great).

Rene is ex military; he was dishonorably discharged for doing sth morally questionable because of something he believed he had to get done. He regrets that deeply (though im not sure he regrets what he did as much as the results of it), as seen in the episode after he was tortured, and he is haunted by his failures , which he sees as a sort of chain that make up his life.

now, thea knows how that feels. She would be able to relate to the discipline, to the dedication that might be ingrained into someone from a military background. and also to bending of general morals to get shit done and/or compromising herself and her integrity for something. (Because she did go with Merlyn, compromising herself cause she wanted to be stronger) I don’t think she would hold what he did against him, or judge him; nor would he hold it against her that she did sth very daring to get control of her life again.

Both Rene and Thea tried doing good with what they were left with, after their failures/tragedies/disappointments. Here is where Rene and Thea might have interesting discussions though, because the WHY of this varies for them. Thea’s morality is much more fluid than Rene’s, I feel. Rene seems to have the whole ‘this is right and this is wrong’ thing going on, while Thea seems more of a ‘this is right for now cause it gets the job done or works for me’ kinda girl. (she has limits obviously) She is not really a joiner or a by-the-system kind, while Rene was military. [what could have possibly prompted a man with such contempt for anyone telling him what to do, to join the military? maybe he was running away from something  - his family situation  - and saw the military as his only escape?] I don’t think he really like being within a structure that tells u what to do, though he could have made friends and found a family of his own there. After his discharge and what prompted it, its also just as probably that he is very disappointed/disillusioned by it. (Personally i doubt that he likes being part of a hierarchy because he has serious authority issues which thea shares and in both cases it stems from parental abuse). Anyway i just know that when it comes to why they do the stuff they do, or why he does and she stopped, those two could have some interesting conversations.

Not to mention that they both would totally relate to each other when it comes to the fuckton of trauma they have been through. Just once i would like to see someone react humanly - as in, the way I do, not the way arrow characters react to fucked up shit that happens to that - to what Thea has been through. I mean, can u imagine? Rene would lose his shit if he knew that

‘yeah i was stabbed through the heart with a sword and almost died and then took a dip into a magic hottub and then got super bloodthirty and THEN ALMOST DIED AGAIN FROM THAT SAME WOUND". ‘u were stabbed.’'Yeah’'Through the chest’'Yup’'By an actual sword? ’*a beat* 'what kind of fucktard psycho uses a sword? ’'oh u would be so surprised. Actually thats bad. With the kind of record the team has, u need to learn to handle one.’'A sword? o_O R u shittting me??’'I shit u not’'Wait wait wait. You took a dip into this pit and now youre like… alive. ’'Yeah’'…dude… thats way weirder than im prepared to handle.’'I KNOW RIGHT!!! ’

(Idk what that up there is, ignore it. Itbsounds more like me talking to thea 😂)

Rene is instinctively protective of those that he percives as needing protection. He went against olivers orders to help a little girl who was in danger in the II ep; because he probably didnt even think about what the Green Arrow would say or do to him. But he also treated Evelyn as an equal and never babied her. (Cause arrow forgot she was a kid but anyway). Thea would most definitely apriciate that and also find it highly refreshing after olivers constant worrying about her and malcolm taking away her agency at every point.

Not to mention that Rene is exactly the kind of dude to find Thea’s ability to kick his ass with one hand behind her back incandescently hot. U gotta respect a guy who respects and is turned on by female power.

He fights hard for what he wants - he is determined and Thea would respect that cause so is she.

Also notice how he always kept his flirting very casual, never pushy never putting anything on her, mostly fun. Cause thats a good point in his favour and would be in Thea’s books too. And how she dismisses him but in a kinda half amused half annoyed way. Its rather hilarious. And i love that despite her shooting him down he never gets bitter about it. Those two times he just kept on smiling. I bet their flirting would be so agressively playful.

He is very observant (as far as I’ve noticed he is the only one that brings in the evidence for felicity) and im thinking he is very good at noticing when ppl change patterns of behavior. he didnt realize what the change meant in Evelyn, in terms of emotions, but he was able to pinpoint exactly /when/ it had happened: after they learned oliver was a the Hood. —> Thea is super smart emotionally and has this amazing radar about when ppl’s *feelings* shift. Oliver and moira never fooled her with their 'were gonna pretend for theas sake’ shtick. She didnt know why but she knew sth is up. That’s great material there. Id be willing to explore that. The good and the bad. The way they might pick up on each other’s moods, tendencies. Good and bad days. The different ways they would notice stuff about each other: Rene by noticing when she does things differently, when she deviates from her routine. Thea noticing when he is angry or happy or annoyed about something, learning how to associate his expressions with his feelings. The two of them baffling each other on how they notice these little things that the other wouldn’t think to notice about anyone, or that they didn’t think anyone noticed about them.

It’s fun to think about.

Rene is exeptionally straightforward and honest. Thea would love that about him. Both would speak their mind frankly to each other since neither is more sensitive than the other.

Rene seems to concentrate on things he does well - mostly physical stuff, stuff with his hands (i noticed this in the crosover. While the nerds were doing their own thing rene was calmly sitting down doing his own thing, handling his weapons i think). He’s probably a kinetic learner, like Oliver. And is very comfortable around ppl who do well with their own things, which Rene might have no idea how to do. I just mean that he is comfortable in his own skin and isnt threatened by other people's power or inteligence. (That moment when Felicity delegated to him and Rory to do that analysis thing, and Rene was totally chill admitting he had no idea what felicity had been talking about and that he Rory and Curtis were the smart ones). And this brings me back to Thea being absolutely charmed by this kind of quality because Rene can manage to be sure in himself without being arrogant.

Also circles back to him loving that he can actually learn stuff from her, fighting-wise. And that would really boost Thea’s selfconfidence because i can just see Rene being flirty about it at first and then surprising her by taking her very seriously and truly wanting to learn.  And in turn she would be a good teacher because though not always the most sensitive, Thea is patient. She would love it that he is sure in himself that he would think nothing of asking her to teach him. And that he respects her and her skill to want to learn from her. Something that nobody has asked her before. And in turn, she would notice that he is an amazing team player and that she can actually play off of him when it comes to having a laugh or teasing the other team members cause theyre both sich little shits. (im also thinking that Rene’s specialty in the field would be recon - because he is so good that noticing when the environment changes, and keep track of patters and routes and stuff like that)

Rene was physically abused by his father. Thea was psycologically abused by hers. They would be able to regognise each others hurts and false-steps naturally and it would add another layer of understanding to their relationship but also a kind of tenderness and protectiveness for each other. I feel like neither of them is much of a cudler in the traditional sense of the word but they would be able to understand each others need for affection and the occasional fear of it. I mean - their scars are symetrical in some way so they would understand each others impulses a lot better than most have before them.

Despite his history tho, rene loves kids and seems hopeful about having kids (abused children will tell u that growing up into that kind of person takes strength and most certaily, goodness), which tells me that there is a lot of hope inside that man. Thea seems to be struggling to grasp onto some kind of hope, for a normal life, a normal self, something to give her meaning. They could help each other find that hope within themselves. Rene could have a positive thing or two to share with thea even, since she is more of a stark realist while rene seems to be more positive.

He is so fucking upbeat about things he actually enjoys. Like the christmass sock that evelyn gave him. Remember that smile? How eager he was and how he tore into that gift - that was precious and so pure, in the real sense of the word, not the tumblr one. I think even after all hes seen rene - and i think this is his best character trait - still has that boyish wonder intact. What makes him an idealist no matter how hard he protects himself with that jaded attitude. Hes not jaded - hes pragmatic and has issues.

And thea, oh my god, she needs someone who can really just have fun with her again. Someone who would delight in having a good time, who would love to laugh with her. Who would teach her how to see the wonderous and the joyous in the world again because i think she is having such a hard time this year. (Im very suspitious of the extreme change she has made from last year to this year and how stubborly she clings to this new status quo. Not that she shouldnt want to get away from the violence - that is an a+ reasoning for her. But her stubborness to keep away feels like fear. And i want to know what she isafraid of and why. Why she doubts herself) Im not at all convinced she is doing as well as she fronts and even if she is, she seems so serious all the time. She used to love parties - not the drug and alcohol kind but the 'together with my family and friends’ kind and rene dies too. They would have the most outrageous christmass ever. Thea would totally spoil him with all these eccentric gifts that are rpobably super inner jokes between them and rene would have a blast decorating the tree with her.

The fights would probably be very explosive cause theyre both hotheaded ppl and where thea can admit she was wrong, rene would need a little more work but im willing to bet that it wouldnt be so hard in the face of someone he loves and considers equal to himself (it was harder for him to apologise to oliver cause its a power thing and a dick measuring thing and a pride thing - elements that would be a non issue cause there would be no such disparities with thea)

Theyre also both very physical ppl and very expressive ppl so im guessing sex would be such fun for them and theyd love to try new things and just go for whatever they want.

Look i could go on. But these are all the surface level stuff i could think of. Im sure there is more. For the most part, what got me into thinking i could rly like the idea of them is the fact that around her, rene is a total goofball (i just love how sincere he is in his admiration without once seeming creepy) - i like seeing him like that and i would love to see thea laugh more. I just think they could be good to each otherband that there is a story there.

[pointedly-foolish]

word count: 1090

pairing: connor | rk800/oc

genre: gen

summary: « oh wait, where's...? the detective exclaimed as they rummaged through their bag. i must've... sorry i really need to... they trailed off. wait here. »

the android simply nodded as he watched the figure scurry away to some part of the precinct.

in the meantime, he found a few things to distract himself with: rhythmically tapping the desk, fidgeting with his coin... he glanced up at the decorated desk and saw a prompt: [ X | ᴱˣᴬᴹᴵᴺᴱ ᴰᴱˢᴷ ] should he...?

a/n: trying to unblock myself and start writing again... so i decided to write some oc x canon stuff as tiny exercise... kinda funny thing that i wrote to also flesh out my oc in a way,,,? ya boi fell in a hole of oc x canon that he thought he would avoid for the longest of times lmao,,, one (1) android controls my life end me,,, in case you do decide to read this, tiny pointers to not be confused: - in this au connor, 60, and rk900 are deviant and work at the DPD. since they're considered rookies (only started officially working as a detective for about a month) they're assigned partners; connor with hank, conan (rk900) with gavin, colin (60) with my oc esmé. - this ficlet mentions my friend's (@miusmius​) oc, Ona Boix, who is also a detective at the DPD (i included her in the artwork, and by default in this work)... i don't own her, she doesn't belong to me... so she's not part of the whole au...

the drawing was made cuz i wanted to do a challenge where i draw a bunch of different ppl lol

i think that's about it? hope you enjoy this silly thing.

{ [ X | ᴱˣᴬᴹᴵᴺᴱ ᴰᴱˢᴷ ] }

the desk itself is relatively neat, sheaf of paper stacked together and tucked away neatly on one side of the table. other personable belongings such as potted plants, picture frames, and a small owl statuette are organised meticulously. office supplies are placed in cups and holders, not a single item out of place. upon closer inspection, however, the android noticed one item that was not like the other: unnoticeable at first, there was a black pen amidst the others that resembled his… the fountain pen he lost a few days ago.

[ ａｎａｌｙｓｉｎｇ... ] [ ᴬᴺᴬᴸᵞˢᴵˢ ᶜᴼᴹᴾᴸᴱᵀᴱ: ᴸᴬᴹᵞ 2000 ᶠᴼᵁᴺᵀᴬᴵᴺ ᴾᴱᴺ, ᴾᴿᴼᴰᵁᶜᵀ ᶜᴼᴰᴱ ᴸᴹᵞ-ᴸ01ᴱᶠ ]

he pushed aside the rest of the result, ignoring the trivial information such as material (black polycarbonate—makrolon and stainless steel), and swiped the pen up, inspecting the pen’s body. on it was a delicately etched “connor anderson”, coining it as his pen, the one that was gifted to him. stuffing it into his pocket, he now realised how much of the detective’s belongings weren’t actually theirs: hank’s music player, det. collins’ notepad, and headphones he swore he last saw with officer chen. baffled at how no one has noticed yet, he collected said items to be returned after. though most of the stolen goods are of little value and easily replaceable, he settled to discuss the detective’s kleptomaniac tendencies with them soon.

continuing his inspection, he noted the multiple flyers and notes that adorned the detective’s magnetic board: small notices and stickers from past concert—panic! at the disco (which he found out was a well known alternative rock artist who managed to keep his career afloat even after the popularisation of android bands) and others, both popular and local, of differing languages.

a small timetable and calendar marked a few important dates, circled and annotated accordingly. a small to-do list is taped near it, date at the top right corner. most of the writing is smudged—[ ᴿᵁᴺᴺᵞ ᶠᴼᵁᴺᵀᴬᴵᴺ ᴾᴱᴺ? ˢᴹᵁᴰᴳᴱᴰ ᴾᴱᴺᶜᴵᴸ? ] – “buy food for paris after work” it seemed odd that the detective still took on-paper reminders when a digital alternative was available, not to mention broadcasting them in full view. – “concert Jules     8:30 pm [sic.]” but perhaps they simply preferred the act of physically writing them down, or leaving behind a trace of their last location in the off chance that something happened… who was this “jules”? he decided not to look the person up, though curiosity was tempting. he resisted the urge (that his non-deviant self would have complied to immediately) if not to give the detective their privacy. he trusted them enough to know that they’d tell him about this individual if they need to.

on the top left corner of the board was a sticky note that wasn’t quite like the others: instead of the neat, smooth lines that was characteristic of their handwriting, this one was a messy scrawl that made it almost illegible—detective reed’s handwriting. under it was a smaller sticky note, belonging to the desk’s owner, which read “asshole”. « succinctly put » the android thought with a small smile of amusement.

the final object, which was a more recent addition to the heavily decorated board was a photograph of a recent birthday “party”, which was more of a potluck to be quite honest. his smile remained, and one may even note that it has become marginally brighter as his features softened. a photograph annotated with the raven haired detective’s commentary (entire precinct made up of loose canons—which wasn’t exactly wrong in his mind), which showcased the coworkers being together and celebrating hank’s birthday (while det. reed sulks on a kitchen counter, frustrated. the android chuckled at the annotations, “trash” is right.).

he scanned through each individual: his “brothers”, colin and conan—taken aback slightly at the fact that the three were called fucko 1-through-3; det. boix and officer chen (titled queens—fittingly as both were incredible at their work, though he sometimes wonder why officer chen still hasn’t been promoted yet…); the man he considers his father—lt. hank anderson—“world’s okayest dad” seeming like an understatement (though he’s quite sure it’s joke shared among the detective and the lieutenant); the two canines—sumo (the best saint bernard there ever was) and paris (the best german shepherd there ever was), and finally the desk’s owner themselves: det. esmé thomas, the person he’s waiting for right now. the picture was a slightly candid one (he didn’t recall being informed that they were going to have their picture taken), but he felt a sense of peace in seeing the group’s genuine joy being captured. it was nice to see them enjoying each other’s presence (some had a harder time showing it, though reed was slowly coming around) after the chaos a few months ago.

« hey, i’m back! sorry for making you wait... we can go now, suggested a voice from his far right. he turned his head to face its source before nodding. – alright. »

- - - - - - -

unlike hank, esmé preferred to drive in complete silence, the only sounds audible were the traffic outside and the thrumming of the car engine. after a few moments, the detective restarted the conversation: « did you have fun snooping around my desk? they asked playfully. – i was merely inspecting it… i noticed it had a new picture on it, he answered truthfully. – yup, they smirked, you like it? it was from last weekend. – it was certainly amusing, what with the flavour text. – ah, i was hoping you’d say that fucko #1, they chuckled. – so we’re a precinct filled with loose canons? he pushed playfully, rolling his eyes. – i don’t see you disagreeing, they replied, glancing briefly at the android. – touché. »

- - - - - - -

a moment of silence passed as the conversation died once more, the quietness accompanying them in their drive. but it was fine. it was a comfortable silence as they waited to reach their destination. a question was, however, on the tip of the android’s tongue for what would’ve been the entire ride so far, so he decided to ask them: « i’ve been meaning to ask you… he started. the driver made a « hmm? » to inform the passenger that they were listening. – but why are you wearing detective reed’s sunglasses? he pointed at the accessory on the detective’s shirt collar. »

the question goes unanswered and the android gives up on the thought of ever getting a reply, when the person besides him answered determinedly, not a hint of shame in their voice as they admitted the theft: « it was shiny and i wanted it. »

like my work? consider ordering a commission // buying me a coffee // checking out my other works