#I know it's not April fools but I was inspired by him bribing her

[mushroom-for-art]

Lmao I was inspired, I'm meant to be writing the horrors and yet the movie au dorks are at the helm, featuring the wonderful @oogaboogaspookyman s monochromatic actor

April fools

May casually walked down a hallway within the studio before sliding into broom closet to her left with efficient quiet her back bumping into the monochrome two already hiding in said broom closet who made a slightly startled squeak at their close proximity though May didn't care much keeping her back to him but tilting her head up slightly to look at him.

"You got the goods?" She asked though in a hushed tone.

"Why do you say it like this is some mafia trade?"

He sighed softly at her antics as she turned to face him properly.

"Because you're trading your goods, for my services," she cast a wink as she poked his chest lightly, unable to see his embarrassed expression for the dark of the closet. "And if you don't got my goods well buddy boy this deal is gonna fall through and you may like me so much because I can be real dangerous when I don't get what I'm owed," though she threatened her voice was entirely playful.

"This mafia movie you're shooting is getting to your nogging. But yes I have 'the goods'."

He exaggerated with quotation marks finally turning the closet light on earning a hiss and what the fuck from May at the sudden light as he pulled out a large carry on bag, he unzipped it slowly for emphasis opening it to reveal it loaded with different kinds of treats.

"Hersheys, Moreos of varying delightful flavors for your enjoyment, aero bars, dairy milks, milky way buttons large, caramac, Pokey sticks, reeses pieces, m&ms and many other delightful treats await."

He quickly closed it, zipping it up closed.

"If you can hold up your end of the deal."

"Darlin' you were just speaking my language, don't you worry toots, I'll treat you right." She grinned playfully doing some sort of accent as she booped his nose, "though, surely you could part with something, for my troubles, call it a down payment hmm, keep me sweet? Gonna treat me well Shugs?" She put her hands on his chest as though fiddling with an invisible tie.

"You're enjoying this too much."

He snorted softly but chuckled finding her demeanor somewhat amusing as he pulled out a random thing he paused ripping off the packaging with his teeth before holding the chocolate bar out for her watching her just bite the chocolate and hold it in her teeth with a grin, she gave him a wink and slipped out of the closet as he sighed zipping up the carry bag and hiding it for later.

It was in honesty a difficult job, he wanted her to complete many tasks in advance for April fools, he was always the butt of jokes, but not this year! This year he had help.

It started when everyone had left to go home, she put her plan into motion, firstly the put all the cameras on loop to cover her tracks, secondly she hit the bathrooms carrying carrier bags of jeans and shoes she set them up matching up shoes and trousers in the mens to make every stall appear occupied locking them all from the inside and putting out of order signs on all the doors to cause frustration and the reasonable idea that all of them were full due to the previous closures.

Next she booby trapped different doors and chairs, taping Foghorns so when the door was slammed open or chair sat in it would honk loudly and startle people, she hid them all over some obvious to throw them off the tracks some very expertly hidden. She also took this time to sneak Rubber chickens and whoopee cushions under seats and cushions. On Marie's desk she put a paper cup with "Spinarak inside! Very big! Only lift cup if you're ready to get rid of it!" She'd asked a local Spinarak to make an exit hole in the cup so it looked as though a large spider escaped and it looked authentic.

She removed the bottom of Derricks keyboard carefully, in honesty this one was personal as he has been incredibly rude and quite mean to her for no reason for quite some time, she carefully placed down tissue paper and super fast growing seeds, watering them generously and offering a little psychic help and replacing the keyboard top, and did the same to his work station so when he came tomorrow it would be taken over by nature.

She hit Kathleen's office next, this one was personal to her monochrome friend as she'd not been doing her job properly and fucked up his appointments, she looped a ziptie around a Febreze spray bottle trigger, "fire in the hole!" She pulled it tight and threw it into her office, closing the door as it hissed letting out all its content. In all honesty she would've used a fake fart spray herself but she figured monochrome just wasn't that evil.

Finally, her magnus opus, she spilled hundred upon hundreds of sticky pads and concentrating her psychic energy they flew everywhere sticking to everything along halls window chairs plants set pieces everything! It was a whirlwind of color and chaos.

When she finished she kisses her fingers in an exaggerated mwah of her brilliance before setting the cameras to start recording live footage seconds before the new work day began leaving no trace of her crimes. With that she slipped away into the night to her movie trailer, she preferably would've been enjoying her prize but he's clearly hidden or taken it with him because she couldn't find it.

The next day was complete and utter chaos, there was accusatory yelling frustrated screams, loud HONKS of Foghorns and Kathleen came running out her office coughing and gagging at the overwhelming Febreze scent while Derrick yelled and raged over his computer. He smashed it into a wall and punched a hole into a door before higher management called him into their office. In all honesty probably would've been easy to remove the plants but he was a hot headed asshole anyways.

A worker pointed an accusing finger at ??? Shouting that it must have been him. The boss quickly told them that no it couldn't be because the monochrome one was with him. Another pointed at May, "then her then! She used her powers to do it!" They cried.

"Me? I, I mean I don't know how to break it to you but I'm not the most gifted with psychic abilities," she frowned a sad frown managing a very sad voice that was pitiful without it being obvious that was the intention. Monochrome was impressed by her acting as another worker snapped at them saying that May wasn't capable of such a thing, stop being an asshole.

It halted all work and filming that day as everyone worked to clean up the unexplained mess of pranks with more yelling as hidden jumping snake pranks leapt out from places at cleaning workers. May effectively bumbled along as though just as unsure as everyone else despite knowing where they all were leaping in fright with a squeal at the peanut spring snakes and getting shocked by hidden shockers to really strengthen the image of innocence.

May collapsed onto her bed in her trailer exhausted, setting it up and taking it down was tiresome stuff. She grumbled to herself that her supposed friend hadn't looked at her once or made any indication of trade off, angrily thumping her tail into her bed at his betrayal. She'd get him for that as she snuggled her cushion.

She groaned as someone knocked on her trailer door dragging herself out of her comfy bed.

"Imma coming Imma coming it better be worth it," she emptily threatened as she opened the door to the monochrome bastard she was just thinking about. "You." He smiles at her unaware of his supposed treachery.

"Yes? Me-eh!"

She yanked him into her trailer with one hand holding him against a counter, "you got a lot of nerve showing up you slippery snake." His mouth hand open in confusion as he awkwardly ah'ed? Before making an oh holding up the carry on bag of sweets.

"I didn't want to give it to you where people could see in case they suspected anything. Honest!"

She eyed him taking the carry on with one hand keeping the other holding him to the counter using her teeth to open the zip and stick her nose in sniffing, yup, smelt like sweets in there and it was heavy.

"Hm." She removed her hand to stop pinning him, "you're forgiven, could've been mighty bad for you otherwise pardner"

"Western mafia huh?"

She nodded as she pulled out some Pokey sticks, nodding firmly as she popped one in her mouth confirming around the biscuit, "Western mafia." He chuckled as he watched her nibble the Pokey slowly making it disappear into her mouth seemingly satisfied with the trade off.

"Am I free to leave unharmed?"

May chuckled, stepping aside so he could get to the door, popping another Pokey in her mouth with a "suppose." He grinned putting his hand on the door he paused and leant over close biting the pokey and snapping it before rushing out the door as she stood there in confusion.

"The fuck??" She finished chewing what was left of her Pokey. "What a bastard."

[passivenovember]

Cherry Cola Sundays.

Harringrove April, Day Twelve : Soda.

For @cherrydreamer , who inspires me always.

-- 

Dawn should be covered in bubble wrap, just. Head to toe and back up again. Protective layers securing each pigtail and both perpetually skinned knees until they feel comfortable letting her out of the house.

As a precaution, you know, an insurance policy. Billy laughs at him, like, “Kids get hurt sometimes, baby.”

And Steve scowls, because. He doesn’t understand that. 

The way Billy, who was put on his mother’s back in a baby bjorn and rowed out to surf the first wave as soon as he learned to walk, can sit there and fucking. 

Say that.

“Not our kid.” Steve hates the way his voice quivers. Weak and pathetic, like some sort of wet nurse losing control as time goes on. “One skinned knee and they’ll come take her from us, Bill, I cant--”

Billy slides in behind him, kissing up the back of Steve’s neck and petting the hair out of his face, like. He always does when it gets difficult to breathe.

“I won’t let them do that,”

Steve snorts around the sob in his chest. “You’re dying to teach the kid to cut a wave, I see the way your eyes light up when she grips the edge of the coffee table.”

Billy considers it, mouth scrunching up on one side, like, “There aren’t any waves to surf in Hawkins, but if there were--”

“We don’t do that kind of shit in the Midwest.”

“What? Have fun?”

“No.” Steve turns in the circle of Billy’s arms, sighing. “We have fun without wheels attached to our feet. Y’know; hop scotch and jump rope until the appropriate age and then we stop. Move on to other sports like football and cheerleading.”

Billy studies his face. “You’d let Dawn--”

“No. No, I. Wouldn’t.” Steve says gently. But. “I have a feeling we aren’t gonna let that girl do anything, she’ll just--”

“Do it.” Billy agrees. “Yeah.”

So Steve tries not to hover. 

Tries not to hold his breath every time Dawn encounters something new and stressful; slip ‘n slides, bounce castles, hop scotch, t-ball, and eventually. 

The shit Billy’s into. 

Dangerous, exciting, horrifying shit that makes Steve reconsider the whole bubble wrap situation.

Like skating. Dawn strapped to Billy’s chest just like his mother before him, the first time she sees Billy break out the longboard for their trip to the park with Max. 

Steve will never forget the look on her face.

Eyes wide and glassy. Tiny, quivering chin obviously worried that Billy would hurt himself so he asks, “Wanna ride with me, little mama? Keep me safe?”

And Steve makes a noise. 

A concerned, fatherly, responsible noise that’s completely drowned out an vetoed when Billy adds, “Keep each other safe,” and Dawn climbs on the board in front of him, tiny smile turning into thrilled giggles as he maneuvers around cracks in the pavement. 

Steve follows close behind, arms ready to catch precious cargo when Dawn yells, “Go faster Daddy!”

And Steve has to jog to keep up, practically dry heaving as Max skates lazily down the road beside him. 

--

The idea of roller hockey surfaces two weeks before Dawn’s sixth birthday and four days after grandma and grandpa Hop sent a pair of lady bug skates in the mail.

“You know what would be cool,” Billy says distantly, head bent over the newest vase from their fall collection, “Is if we learned roller hockey and had Dawn’s birthday bash at the rink.” He looks up, left cheek covered in paint and a stupid, honey sweet smile on his face, like, “Wouldn’t that be cool, dad?”

Dawn begs. 

And begs, begbegbegs when Billy wipes his hands on Steve’s apron. Hugging him around the neck and suggesting they all get a pair of roller skates and practice in the park together, dressed as different insects, maybe. Dawn as the lady bug, Billy as the butterfly and Steve as the sunflower they land on.

Billy kisses him slow and sweet. “And maybe, if Dawn gets really good, she could try out for real in the fall--”

Steve feels like the bad guy when his answer is no. 

Billy frowns, pulling away. “No to the rink party or no to the--”

No.

Just flat out. Simple. Steve turns into the villain with his parade of:

No, you might get hurt. 

No, you don’t even know how to skate.

No, I’d feel better if you learned to play the flute, baby--

Watching as Billy looks like a kicked puppy dog and Dawn’s cheeks turn bright red. She screams at him for the first time that day. Insists that she’s not a baby, she’s a big girl, and Steve is a big fat poopy-scoopy-butt head. 

Her bedroom door slams shut, walls vibrating as if the Earth were splitting in two. Steve and Dawn's worlds cracking together and apart. 

--

Steve’s answer is still no. 

No. Everyday for the next week and a half, when Billy brings it up in bed that night and Dawn gifts him the last cherry cola.

Steve won’t be bribed. He sticks by his guns, all the solid, sure-fire reasons that come across his lips in the mirror every morning.

No, Bills. She isn’t old enough.

No, Dawn. You’re a big girl but you aren’t ready yet. 

And eventually, when Steve’s husband and daughter join forces like some sort of nightmare dream team:

No. Daddy’s not ready to see you grow up.

--

Max is the determining factor. 

“I play roller derby,” She says. “Let me teach the brat to skate.”

Steve opens his mouth.

Billy beats him to it. “No.” He mimics bitterly. “Steve is 100% against our child having any of the fun we had as kids. Any of the adventure.”

“She can have adventure, Bills.” Steve ignores Max’s eyes on them as the argue over the patio table. “She can do all sorts of fun, normal, decent shit that keeps her safe--”

“Fuck safe. Max. This guy won’t let her do anything.” Billy leans forward with a cigarette pinched between his teeth. Listing things on his fingers. “No skating, no gymnastics, no climbing up big rocks at the park without a helmet--”

Steve scoffs, like, “I just don’t want our kid to have scrambled eggs for brains--”

“Martha and Neil practically set me loose when I was half the size Dawn is, and I turned out fine.” Billy says, tapping his noggin, like.

See. No cracks.

Steve scowls, turning to face his sister in law. “Do you see what I--”

Max is laughing. 

Shoulders bouncing, face buried in hands, laughing at the two of them. Steve opens his mouth to demand, like, what’s so fucking funny when Billy beats him to it. Again. 

“Fuck’s wrong with you?”

“Not me. You guys.”

“Us?” Billy and Steve demand, because. This isn’t a them problem, this is. Like. A world problem. A difference in parenting styles. Something to be expected.

But Max just nods, like, “Yeah. It’s funny because she’s going to do it anyway, I just think it’s better that she knows how to do it properly to avoid getting hurt.”

And Steve.

Thinks maybe Billy paid Max to say that. Thinks they conspired on the phone every night, coming up with the perfect plan. The most fool proof argument that will have Steve sighing. Shaking his head. Scrubbing at his face and saying;

“Alright.”

Billy sits up like someone electrocuted him. “Alright? We win?”

“You win.” Steve admits glumly.

He isn’t ready for the armful of muscle he gets when Billy throws himself into Steve’s lap, smooching his eyelids and throat, like, “I knew you weren’t such a goddamn stick in the mud, Harrington!”

Steve nods stiffy. “Yeah, yeah, but look. I have conditions.”

Billy pulls himself together. 

Steve looks into those sparkling blue eyes and holds out a single, solitary finger. “Any time she gets hurt, you owe me a cherry cola.”

He gets a whole case of them after that just to save time.

[madamebaggio]

Tags Masterlist

Hello, my dear friends.

I hope you’re all well and safe wherever you are.

I’ve spent the last few days updating all my tags here, so now we get this masterlist.

I’ll put it on my bio as well and probably it’ll get updated if new stories appear.

You can always find posts by character or ship. The new tags are mostly to help in case you want to check a specific string of posts (for example: you can still search #Sansa x Arthur, but maybe you’re looking for something specific like #every piece of my heart and all the posts related to that story).

I’m also adding the links for AO3 (for those stories that are there -not all of them are) and separating by ship. If a ship you like doesn’t have a tag, it’s because there’s just one story with them (like Sansa and Geralt, all their posts are related, so they don’t have a special tag; you can find them as #Sansa Stark x Geralt of Rivia).

Let’s get this show on the road. (let me know if you have any doubts)

Sansa/Arthur

#camelot ranch (Sansa meets Arthur when visiting the Tyrells’ Ranch)

#hen party at camelot (Dany has her hen party at Arthur’s pub)

#jumanji au (You can find it here as well)

#i wont believe in songs ( My work “I won’t believe in songs (Unless they’re sung by you)”)

#good girls go to heaven (My work “Good Girls go to Heaven (Bad Boys bring Heaven to you)”)

#theres no way  (My work “There’s no way (that’s not going there)”)

#till sunday (Sansa tries to seduce Arthur, he tells her to wait until she actually wants to sleep with him)

#artie rescues sansa (two adventures of Sansa (one in modern AU) being rescued by Arthur)

#changeling sansa (Inspired by the works of Nalini Singh, in which Sansa is a shape shifter)

#10 things i hate about you au #please come find me (Both tags are related to my work “Please, come find me”)

#accidental family (A one night stand gives Arthur quite a surprise a few years later)

#hero sansa (Sansa is a hero and Arthur is more of an anti-hero)

#im not marrying you (Sansa and Arthur really don’t want to marry each other)

#love potion (Arthur accidentaly drinks a love potion)

#action hero arthur (Arthur is an action actor that loses a bet and has to act on a rom com)

#who fell in love first (Sansa and Arthur tell their children about how they fell in love)

#the mummy au (Snippets of Sansa and Arthur in the Mummy verse)

#romancing the stone au (Snippets in this verse)

#john wick au (AU where Sansa is the manager of the Continental)

#fair game au (Arthur is a police officer and Sansa is a lawyer)

#great pickup lines (My work “Do you have a band-aid and other great pick-up lines”)

#every piece of my heart (My work “Every Piece of my Heart (Belongs to you)”)

#summer loving (My work “Summer loving (happened so fast)”)

#a text misshap (Sansa texted Arthur by accident, but got a date out of it)

#fooled around and fell in love (My work “Fooled around and fell in love”)

#a steely haven (My work “A Steely Haven”)

Sansa x Tommy Shelby

#a happy occasion  (Thomas is planning on marrying Ada to Robb Stark)

#pretty horses (My work “Of all your pretty horses before (You should know that I can love you much more)”)

#loving her was red (My work “Loving her was red”) 

Jonsa

#kiss with a fist (Kiss with a fist)

#the same way i like my coffee (The Same Way I Like My Coffee)

#youre finally home (You’re Finally Home)

#those stark boys (Those Stark Boys - obs: this is a Sansa/Jon/Robb)

#a whisper in the dark (A Whisper in the Dark)

Sansa/Eomer

#a million years ago (A Million Years Ago)

#the horse lord and the stark wolf (The Horse Lord and the Stark Wolf)

Sansa and others

#prince charming galahad (Modern AU where Sansa meets and adorable Galahad)

#godless underneath your cover (Sansa x Maul)

#tormented willas (One version of Willas Tyrell)

#polite willas (Another possible Willas)

#awkward willas (Final Willas lol)

#agent sansa stark (Sansa x Bucky)

#dont stand so close to me (Modern AU Sansa x Vortigern)

#my fair boss lady (Sansa x Raymond Smith)

#stark blue (Sansa x Bucky x Steve)

#vampire hunters (Starks are vampire hunters)

#maybe theyre seeing something we dont (Theonsa modern AU)

#hidden scars and wolf tattoos (Sansa x Jax)

#the night is young (The Night Is Young (and so are we) King Arthur 2004 crossover with Margaery and Brienne as well)

#my delirium ((Even if you’re the reason of) My delirium - Sansa x Oberyn x Willas modern AU 

The Crackship Fleet

#the first fleet

#cuddly september

#first meetings in october

#sharing beds in november

#december kisses

#late prompts

#angst march

#alternate april

#kissy june

Crossovers Series

#sansa stark crossovers

#susan pevensie crossovers

#margaery tyrell crossovers

#king arthur 2004 crossovers

Darcy Lewis

#commander testosterone (Darcy and Rumlow flirting)

#darcy bakes for the defenders (Darcy is bribing the Defenders with cookies)

#shockstrike (DarcyxJackxBrock)

#the adventures of cameron klein (Cameron Klein tries to survive Darcy and friends)

#is a cult cult (Darcy and Rumlow are pretending to be married)

#what if fanfic (Darcy x Jarvis)

Lotty/Éomer

#if i close my eyes (Work can be found here)

#lothiriel the dreamer (series of possible ways in which Lothiriel and Éomer could have met)

#lothiriel the innocent

#lothiriel the judicious

#lothiriel the ambitious

#lothiriel the mischievous

#lothiriel the valiant

#lothiriel the bold

#not tha kind of princess (“Not that kind of princess”)

#pretty awesome in pink (“Pretty (Awesome) in Pink” modern AU)

Matt/Jess

#something to talk about (can also be found here)

#flirty matt series

#not a date but kind of

Gretel/Nuada

#why dont we kill each other slowly (Can be found here)

#about elves and witch hunters (snippets related to their ship in the Fleet)

Others

#the spring that thaws winter (here)

#rose and king (Marge x Roan, also related to their ship on the Fleet)

#dark in my imagination (here)

#when words are not enough (here)

#the iron lady series (here)

#the gentle lady series (here)

#all i see is red (“All I see is red” Agent 47 x Scarlett)

OMG! I thought I’d never end this... lol

I hope I didn’t forget anything... But let me know if you noticed any tag missing.

Enjoy it ;)

[theliterateape]

The Cat with the Key

By J. L. Thurston

Note from the author: I would absolutely love to claim this entire story as my creation. I do love this tale tremendously. But I was inspired to write this after reading a writing prompt on Pintrest that actually originated from a Tumblr post that was highlighted on Ladnow.com. The exact link actually does not exist, as it is quite old. I wrote this story because it is an idea that deserves to be written.

IT WAS A RAINY DAY IN BARTONSHIRE, as were most days, when Jane Alaric declared her wish to marry. Such a thing would not be so extraordinary, save for the fact that Jane was nearly thirty and was still considered the most beautiful woman any man had ever seen. She had been propositioned by dukes and lords, haughty heirs and desperate commoners alike. In Jane’s opinion, her beauty was the least interesting thing in her life, but it seemed to be all anyone cared for.

Her bloodline was a mystery, and rumors were abounding. Some said her father was the king’s sorcerer and he had purchased Jane from the Fae in exchange for his soul. Others say Jane had no family. She had simply grown from the ground in the form of a flower. Under the light of a full moon, an angel plucked the flower and it became a woman.

In the city of Allensville, they feared her. She was chased away and accused of witchcraft. She was absolved by the Cardinal of Elderbast. In all places, women seethed behind her back and glared at their husbands whenever Jane was near. It had been ten years since she had quietly settled in the village of Bartonshire. She found solace in the sleepy seaside town where there were fewer men to chase her.

Yes, beauty was something Jane had little time or patience for. It had cost much. But the life of a shut-in was not a joyful one. Her loneliness was so deep, and so bitter, and so profound that the previous summer no flowers grew in any of her gardens. Mother nature herself was demanding she find a companion.

It was a worrisome thought. Every man she’d ever met only wanted her for her beauty, and no man was worthy to learn her many secrets. It would be difficult to find a man who would protect them.

So it was on a rainy, cold, blustering day in March, that Jane announced that she would take her door key and tie it around the neck of a cat. The man who could get the key and unlock her front door would be the man she would marry.

The heavens opened, and all of Bartonshire was beneath a downpour for two solid days. No cat was seen. The third morning arrived with clear skies and Marcus the butcher spotted a glossy black cat bearing a gold key on a chain. It was just before dawn, and the cat disappeared down an alley before he could get a closer look. That night, Adam Hoss caught sight of the feline as he docked his fishing boat.

It was the fourth day that the chase began in earnest.

Stephen Warfer gathered five of his closest drinking buddies and they scoured the streets for hours. Twice they spotted the cat. The first time, the beast was sunbathing on the roof of the tannery, and by the time Stephen and his friends drew near it was long gone. The second sighting was on the wide cobblestones of Arbor Street. The gang of men drew exceedingly close as the cat stared with wise green eyes. Then, in a flash, the cat darted off, sending the men stumbling after it.

Stephen Warfer’s group was not the only band of men to rally together. And the women of Bartonshire had their fun, as well. Lucy Hoss set fox traps all over her property in the hopes of tossing the captured cat into the sea. Several other women spent the next few days tying false keys around any feline they could get their hands on. The fifth day found Bartonshire littered with key-toting kitties. The trick worked to make fools of dozens of men, as each cat was caught and each key was forced upon Jane’s front door.

Twelve years ago, Rufus had been thrown from his father’s horse, shattering his leg. The bones grew back as knotted as an oak branch.

Andrew Barge refused to chase the cat. Instead he belted serenades outside Jane’s darkened kitchen window, to the dismay of his young fiancé. Simon Dore spent every last penny he had on roses that slowly died on Jane’s steps. Efforts stooped low as Bart Thomas attempted to bribe the locksmith into opening Jane’s door. When the locksmith refused, he sat at her door for hours with his own ill-fashioned pick.

All the while, through the chasing, hollering, and scheming, as the men taunted each other’s efforts in the taverns and awoke with newfound fervor, there was one man who quietly laughed at them from the comfort of his home.

The afternoon of that legendary first day, mere hours after Jane announced her desire to marry, Rufus the painter and potter was sipping tea by his window when he spotted glittering eyes through a heavy curtain of rain. The black cat with the gold key had taken shelter under an overhanging eave of his shed. He chuckled to himself, as he thought of the game Jane had put upon the town and continued to sip his tea.

Twelve years ago, Rufus had been thrown from his father’s horse, shattering his leg. The bones grew back as knotted as an oak branch. Thus, he was not a man to go chasing after four legged critters. But as the night grew chill, and the rain refused to let up, Rufus could not help but feel sorry for the cat who had taken shelter on his property.

Before bed, he warmed a saucer of milk and limped to his front door. Clicking his tongue at the cat, he set the saucer down on his porch and went back inside. He was not surprised to find it empty the next day. Nor was he surprised to find glittering eyes looking at him in the darkness that following night. Evenings passed this way. One dry night, he sat on his porch as the cat lapped up the milk and chewed on the fish bones.

“I have to admit,” Rufus said, listening to the purr of the cat. “I felt sorry for you that first night. With every hungry man chasing you down. But I’ve heard them talk. You have them all spinning on their heads, don’t you, kitty?”

The cat blinked up at him placidly. Rufus laughed.

“Oh, yes. You aren’t one to be captured. Not in a million years.”

After a moment, the cat slinked forward and leapt into Rufus’ lap. In a soft ball of purrs, the cat settled in. Automatically, Rufus stroked her sleek black fur. The key made soft tones against the chain around her neck. He smiled, knowing that any man in town would give anything to be in his shoes at that moment. An absolute first.

Rufus stroked her, and he eyed the key. He could quite easily remove it and win the game he hadn’t been playing. According to Jane, he’d be able to marry her. But the poor woman wouldn’t want a man such as him. Broken, teetering on the brink of poverty. He only had a home because his parents left it to him. He only had coin because his hands picked up where his legs failed him.

Still…

Rufus removed the chain from the cat’s neck. The cat leapt from his lap. Just as her paws touched the wood planks of the porch, she was no longer a cat. Jane stood before him, as naked as the moon, grinning from ear to ear.

Gasping, spluttering, heart hammering, Rufus was led inside his own home so that Jane could share with him the first of her many secrets.

They were wed on a flowering spring day in April. They had three children who grew up beautiful and strong. Jane was lovely until the day she died, but she was so much more than that. She gave her secrets to her children, and her legacy continues in her bloodline. But, more importantly, she did not die lonely and bitter. She died with a full heart, asleep in the arms of her lover, who died that same night, holding in his arms the embodiment of his happiness.

[emetofiend2dand3d]

Inspired by the April Fools MM update~ Jumin actually tries doing drugs in real life and they end up making him have a panic attack and Jaehee finds him under his desk flipping out and calls Zen and they have to take him home and baby sit him until the drugs start to wear off and it makes him really sick

*NO spoilers* I actually sort of added in a concussion as the main cause of him being sick I hope that’s okay… I also had a lot of fun writing this. And let’s all remember that Jumin is quite good with ropes ;)

Happy April Fools day!

(I sort of went a bit crazy, so if you want to skip to the fun part scroll about halfway) Enjoy!

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“Mr. Han? Mr. Han. I know you’re in here. Why are you hiding?”

Jaehee turned on the lights in Jumin’s office and came inside after she had been banging on the door for almost five minutes.

She wandered around the room searching for him until she found him sitting underneath his desk. “Mr. Han what on earth are you doing?”

“I’m trying to become closer to Elizabeth the III by familiarizing myself with the territory.” Jumin said stoically, not looking up at her.

“And why were you in the dark?” She asked with confusion.

“I’m trying to adjust my eyes to see in the dark.” He had a blank stare.

“Well, regardless, your staff are all waiting for the announcement you said you were going to make at the end of the day.” Jaehee explained.

“What announcement?” Jumin raised an eyebrow.

“This morning you said you had an announcement.”

“Oh- right.” Jumin tried to remember what that could have possibly been, but he couldn’t for the life of him.

Jaehee helped him up and he walked outside his office to address his workers. “Right.” He cleared his throat. “Thank you for your hard work and I wanted to say-” He scratched his head. “I wanted to say-”

“Mr. Han, it’s already 30 minutes past closing.” Jaehee whispered to him.

Jumin thought as hard as he could. “Oh yes! We will be changing the brand of coffee in the break room. I’m very sorry to all of you who are partial to the brand- but we’re getting important beans from Arabia.” Jumin stumbled around his words.

“You mean imported beans from Syria?” One businessman asked.

“Right, yes.” Jumin nodded. “Thank you all for your time, please don’t forget to set your clocks back for daylight savings.”

There were confused looks between coworkers in the room. “It’s not daylight savings.” One person said.

“Oh sorry-” Jumin shook his head. “I meant thank you for your patience and don’t forgot to over work your clocks.”

Some workers began muttering amongst themselves.

“He means, thank you for your patience, please clock out to receive your overtime.” Jaehee told everyone, and there seemed to be a collective coming of understanding, before people shuffled out.

“Mr. Han, are you quite alright? You don’t sound like yourself.” Jaehee asked.

“Hm?” Jumin gave her a long stare. “I’m fine. It must be the- the- what was it called?”

“What are you talking about?” Jaehee didn’t understand.

“I took some- whatcha-ma-call-it I guess it hasn’t worn off yet.” Jumin said.

“You took something?” Jaehee didn’t like the sound of that. “What did you take?”

“Can’t remember- it had a funny taste though.” He thought to himself.

“You ingested something!” Jaehee found herself getting worried.

“Hm? Yeah it’s to help my headache. It works fantastically well. My headache is completely gone.” He said knocking his fist on his head.

“Where did you get them from?” Jaehee asked.

“Online. They were expensive so I’m sure they’re safe.” He said.

Jaehee sighed. “Okay let’s just get you home then I’ll call Driver Kim.”

“Driver Kim- did you say?” Out of the blue, Jumin snatched Jaehee’s phone out of her hand and threw it across the room.

“Mr. Han!” She shouted in surprise.

“Don’t be naive! Aren’t you aware that everyone named Kim is a government spy?” Jumin was acting hysterical.

“You have a second cousin named Kim! And you’ve known Driver Kim for years!” Jaehee wasn’t sure if she could talk sense into him.

“All liars! You can’t trust a single one of them.” He grabbed Jaehee by the arm and dragged her across the room. “Come on, I’ll drive us.”

“What? No please- just think sensibly Jumin.” Jaehee begged and struggled.

“Shh! Don’t worry! I’ve done it before.” He encouraged.

Jaehee saw Jumin’s phone in his back pocket and in split second thinking, grabbed it and dialed Zen, she knew the number by heart.

She didn’t say anything once she saw he had picked up.

“Jumin? Is that you? Is this a prank call or something?” Jaehee was grateful to hear Zen’s distant voice in the phone. “What are you yammering about? I’m ganna hang up.” He said over the call, and Jaehee suddenly shouted “no!”

“Jaehee? Is that you? What’s going on?” Zen’s voice got lower and more serious.

Jaehee couldn’t take the risk of him hanging up again so she said just one word with a powerful voice. “Help!” She shouted, and Jumin shot around. He saw the phone in her hand and his eyes darkened.

“You’re with them? How much did they offer you? Of all people I didn’t think you could be bribed so easily.” Jumin shook his head, tutting. “I really thought I could trust you, but it turns out you’re just like all the others.”

“Please- Mr. Han..” Jaehee begged.

.

Jumin dragged Jaehee down to the parking garage and tied her wrists to a staircase.

“The door locks from the outside. No one uses this staircase.” Jumin explained. “But I trust you won’t have trouble getting out since you have plenty of outside help. I’ll come back in two or three business days. Your escape will confirm my hypothesis that you are indeed a spy. Your demise… well, I’ll be sure to promote you and deliver a fantastic speech at your funeral.”

Just as Jumin was about to shut the door, there was a loud sound and he suddenly collapsed in front of Jaehee. And standing in front of her, was the shadow of a glistening knight in shining armor with long white flowing hair. “Jaehee! I’m sorry it took me so long I was doing a show!” Zen kneeled beside her and untied her wrists.

“Zen!” She was nearly in tears at the sight of him before her expression fell and Zen looked behind him.

Jumin was towering over them both, holding his briefcase high above his head. “Not today… Kim.”

“Look! A cat!” Jaehee suddenly shouted.

“A cat?” Jumin dropped his briefcase and looked around, just long enough for Zen to jump on top of him.

Zen had him by the throat but Jumin fought back. Jaehee stood gawking over them. “I wonder if I should call for help?” She wagered it in her mind.

Not long after, Jumin went limp under Zen’s hands and he let go. “Sorry trust fund kid. I don’t care how rich you are. Nobody has the right to hurt a woman.”

“Thank you Zen!” Jaehee squeaked.

“Of course.” He smiled charmingly. “Now let’s call the cops on this pervert.”

“No!” Jaehee cried. “I think he’s taken something. If he goes to a hospital, there could be a scandal. I could lose my job. Please just help me take him home.” She pleaded.

Zen scowled. “Alright fine. But I’m doing this for you, not this loser.”

.

The two of them called Driver Kim to drive him home. Explaining that he had a bit too much to drink when they were asked why Jumin was unconscious.

They carried him into the apartment and Zen dropped him clumsily down on the couch.

Jumin grunted as he hit the cushion but continued breathing normally.

“Come on, I’ll give you a ride home.” Zen offered.

“I’m- sorry.” She said with disappointment. “I can’t leave him alone, he might have a concussion.”

Zen let out a flustered sigh. “Well I can’t leave you alone with that freak in case he flips out on you again.” Zen walked into the kitchen and looked around. “I guess we’ll just have to make the most of it.” He said, pulling out two clear glasses. “This one looks expensive.” Zen said, unscrewing the cork on a bottle of wine and pouring some in both glasses. “Shall we?”

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The two of them were both pink in the face from the alcohol by the time Jumin woke up.

He rolled over with a groan and sat up clutching his head.

“Mr. Han? How are you feeling?” Jaehee asked.

“My head hurts.” He said bitterly. “The headache medicine must have worn off.”

“What?” Zen stood up, still holding his glass of wine. “What do you mean-”

Jaehee shushed him and turned back to Jumin. “Mr. Han, what do you remember about tonight?”

Jumin thought for a moment. “I remember informing my workers about the coffee change…but then…” He looked around his apartment. “How did I end up here?”

“You-!” Zen was about to make a scene before Jaehee shut him down.

“It might be a good thing that he doesn’t remember.” She whispered.

Zen glared at Jumin. “Well, high or not that guy’s still a freak on the inside. I’ll never forget even if he does.”

“Is that my 1934 vintage wine?” Jumin stood up in anger. “I was saving that bottle for when I had the minister over for dinner. And now it’s been wasted on a commoner who can’t even appreciate the fine taste?”

Zen jumped up and ran towards him. “Alright, that’s it.”

“No Zen!” Jaehee cried, but Zen stopped dead when he got face to face with Jumin.

“What’s with that look?” Zen said cautiously.

Jumin had a blank look of his face and was staring off into the distance. He was swaying back and forth slightly and his eyes were far away.

Zen looked past him slightly and saw the lump on his head. “Wow, I guess I hit him pretty hard.���

Then he heard a strange noise that sounded like it came from Jumin’s throat.

“No-” Zen shook his head in disbelief. “You’re not-”

Suddenly Jumin pitched forward and with a cough, spewed liquid all over Zen’s front.

“Fuck.” Zen cursed.

“Oh, Mr. Han!” Jaehee helped the now miserable looking Jumin sit down and fetched him a small trash bin.

After that, Jaehee insisted that Zen help her explain to Jumin what happened.

Jumin sat on the couch listening to the story with an ice pack on his head. “So technically, I could just go to the hospital and tell them I was attached by a madman.” He said. “And I wouldn’t be lying.”

“It was self defense!” Zen shouted. “You we’re going to kill Jaehee!”

“Unless I mistook some details in the story, it sounds like I was going to leave her for dead. That’s nothing close to killing her myself.” Jumin stated firmly.

“God! You are unbelievable!” Zen snarled. “You haven’t even apologized!”

“Apologized? Shouldn’t you be the one to apologize? Look what you did to my head! I’ve likely got a concussion. You’re lucky I have no intention of suing you.” Jumin stood up again to hold his ground but a moment later he became unsteady again and looked about really to collapse.

“Jumin you shouldn’t try to stand.” Jaehee tried to help him back to the couch but he pushed past her and continued on down the hall.

“You shouldn’t go alone-”

“I’m fine on my own.” Jumin insisted.

He got to the bathroom and locked the door. He leaned over the sink unsteadily. “I’m sweating.” He noticed. “And the room is spinning.” He shut his eyes as sharp pains went through his head. “Uhrgg and the nausea is overwhelming.” He fell to his knees and crawled over to the toilet. The nausea forced him to gag harshly and he coughed weakly. “I must have a concussion after all.” He reasoned, just as another powerful wave of nausea struck him and he gagged several times until eventually, he was puking up liquids into the bowl. He spit in disgust, panting heavily and flushed the toilet. “This might be actually be worse than I thought… maybe I should go to the hospital after all. Honestly, if I ever get the chance, ill make Zen pay for this.” He started getting worried as the nausea and pain persisted. He clenched his fists as he felt his stomach lurch. He heaved over the rim of the toilet and up came more liquids that went splashing into the bowl. “Shit.” He cursed aloud.

Jaehee then knocked on the door. “Mr. Han? I’m just checking up on you.”

“Can you please bring me my phone, I have to make a call.” Jumin said.

“Um- well you see, about that.” Jaehee stuttered.

Jumin rolled his eyes. “Did my phone get lost in your story as well?”

“I’m afraid so.” She admitted.

“As these things go.” Jumin sighed. “And I suppose the option of me having a glass of wine is out of the question?”