#I lost so many experiences b/c they were too drunk to drive me anywhere

[iamnotawomanimagod]

sometimes seemingly small shit will stick with you forever. when I was a teenager, my parents were drunk all the time and neither could nor would give me rides to places I wanted to go. so if I wanted to go see friends, do an after-school activity, or get a part-time job, I had to rely on the kindness of my friends/acquaintances (or, in reality, their parents) to be able to leave my house. and I hated being at home, because of the aforementioned constant drunkenness of my parents.

I'm 31. it's been almost 15 years since I've been in that situation. if I get stuck somewhere, I can call my husband. worst case, I have a cell phone and money and I could do a rideshare. more importantly, I drive now and I have my own car. I'm never stuck anywhere. I don't have to rely on the kindness of people who aren't responsible for my well-being. I'm safe, I'm safe, I'm safe.

and yet one of my most frequent stress dreams is being stuck somewhere. not having a ride home. having to walk in the dark and cold after school. being stuck with drunk people and having no escape. getting lost by taking the bus.

my parents were pretty shitty, but even still, I have to wonder - if they knew then that I'd still be having nightmares about this in my 30s, would they have tried harder? could they have? I don't know. addiction is a monster and addicts often make for shitty parents.

I just wish I could go back in time and give myself a ride. I guess I can do that now. but that doesn't stop the nightmares.

[spacewhre]

Frankie aka “Catfish” Morales NSFW alphabet

A = Aftercare (What they’re like after sex)

Sleepy. After a good round, Frankie is exhausted, he’ll make sure your cleaned up before he crawls back into bed and cuddles you. (Frankie so hesitant to admit it but he loves being the little spoon, there’s something about your figure curled around him that makes him feel oh so safe.

B = Body part (Their favourite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

Frankie loves your chest, he loves to rest his head there and listen to your heartbeat, he’s like a big baby, the gentle thump thump of your heart and your rhythmic breathing make him feel safe. He’s always in awe of how soft you are and will subconsciously rubs small circles on your wrist, ribs, neck while getting lost in thought.

C = Cum (Anything to do with cum basically... I’m a disgusting person)

He’ll never finish before you, he wants you to be fucked out before he’ll let himself go, and when he does, he likes to be inside you, you use protection of course, but sometimes you beg him to finish on your chest.

D = Dirty Secret (Pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

Praise. Frankie loves it when you tell him how much you like his cock. He practically melts every time you moan from pleasure, practically gets off on making you feel good. In the moment, anything you say goes straight to his cock, the little “yes”s you pant out, or the sweet nothings that spill from your lips still send butterflies into this man’s stomach.

(See kink for more)

E = Experience (How experienced are they? Do they know what they’re doing?)

He’s pretty experienced. He hasn’t had many partners, but he learned how to please though porn. you were even surprised the first time he went down on you, he lapped at you like his life depended on it, and afterwards you couldn’t believe it when he told you that he rarely got the chance to go down on his previous partner.

F = Favourite Position (This goes without saying. Will probably include a visual)

Frankie is a sucker for missionary, he loves to look into your eyes and run his hands through your hair. That being said, he’s also a huge fan of taking you from the side, spooning you as he slowly thrusts between your clenched thighs

You love to hear his obscene groan as you finally let him enter you. At this angle, you hear and feel his hot breath against your ear, sometimes he even nibbles it, that makes you giggle.

G = Goofy (Are they more serious in the moment, or are they humorous, etc)

Frankie isn’t too serious, but he loves to make things romantic and tender. Sometimes you’ll be fooling around and bodily functions happen, you’ll both giggle like teenagers, but it never offends anyone.

H = Hair (How well groomed are they, does the carpet match the drapes, etc.)

Frankie never thought about grooming until he got into serous relationships, as a single man, he keeps things clean, but when he’s with you, he’ll keep it short and neat.

I = Intimacy (How are they during the moment, romantic aspect...) 

This man is very intimate, in fact, the first time you two we’re together, he almost blurted out his love for you fight there and then. The sight of your body splayed out on the white sheets made his heart almost burst, instead of dying right there and then, he kissed the life out of you. Even farther into your relationship, you’ve never lost the passion, he’s a sappy kinda guy, and still feels sparks fly whenever you’re around him.

J = Jack Off (Masturbation headcanon)

Frankie loves porn. Not the bad kind though, Over the years he’s refined his tastes, sometimes even paying for subscription based sex work. Don’t get me wrong, if given the opportunity he’d rather be with you, but sometimes he enjoys taking the time to please himself, this is his time to be selfish, naughty even.

K = Kink (One or more of their kinks)

Praise. Praise makes Frankie combust. Hearing you beg for him, or tell him just how good he is drives him crazy. Every compliment makes his cock twitch, and when you catch him off guard and say something really filthy, it’s takes all his self restraint not to cum there and then.

L = Location (Favourite places to do the do)

bed. To be honest he just feels weird doing it anywhere else.

Occasionally he’ll fuck you in his truck, especially if you say something that gets him going.

M = Motivation (What turns them on, gets them going)

You. Specifically your thighs. He loves having them wrap around his back as he eats you out, and how they quiver and shake before you cum.

N = NO (Something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

Frankie is not a fan of being called daddy. It makes him feel weird. He imagines having kids of his own one day, and dosent want to associate the word with anything sexual.

O = Oral (Preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc)

Frankie loves eating pussy. He lives for it, that man devours you like it’s his last meal at any given chance. Hell, he’s definitely cum in his pants just at the sight, sound, and taste of you. That man knows exactly what he’s doing, even if he isn’t the most experienced. Also he loves to suck your clit and watch you tremble with overstimulation

Frankie does like getting head too, his favorite is when you come around and sink to your knees out of the blue. Just to make him feel good. (Also you’ve definitely given him road head, resulting in a dent on the back of his trunk.. )

P = Pace (Are they fats and rough? Slow and sensual? etc.)

Slow and steady wins the race. This man has control, he’ll fuck two or three orgasms into you before he lets himself go.

Q = Quickie (Their opinions on quickies rather than proper sex, how often, etc.)

He rather take the time to worship you properly, but that dosent mean that he’s not opposed to a quickie.

R = Risk (Are they game to experiment, do they take risks, etc.)

Frankie is open to spicing things up (in fact he’s mentioned significant interest in a threesome.. the idea of being pleasured by you and another man is something he thinks about.. a lot)

S = Stamina (How many rounds can they go for, how long do they last...)

Frankie is really good at holding it together and fucking a couple orgasms into you before he lets himself spill. But when he’s between your legs, this man absolutely looses it, he’ll cum from eating you out, and he’s not even embarrassed by it.

T = Toy (Do they own toys? Do they use them? On a partner or themselves?)

Frankie is willing to use a wand on you, he likes how the vibrations travel down whiles you’re around his cock, but he prefers to use his hands.

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)

He’s not a tease.

V = Volume (How loud they are, what sounds they make)

Surprisingly, Frankie is very vocal. He’ll grunt and groan and make incredibly erotic moans while inside you. When he gets especially worked up, he becomes completely pussy drunk and babble absolute nonsense.

Sometimes he’ll murmer some praises in Spanish while you suck him off, but you’ve never been able to make out what he’s saying

W = Wild Card (Get a random headcanon for the character of your choice)

Frankie is definitely bi curious. He definitely has a preference for women, but he has sucked a dick or two in his life, and has really enjoyed it.

X = X-Ray (Let’s see what’s going on in those pants, picture or words)

He’s not especially long, but he’s thick. The farther down you go, the harder it is for you to wrap your hand around him..

Y = Yearning (How high is their sex drive?)

Normal, he’s pretty contained when it comes to his sex drive, and dosent think with his dick.

Z = ZZZ (… how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

Quickly. Fucking you wears him out, after you’re all cleaned up and content, he’ll pass out with his head against your chest, your heartbeat lulling him off into a deep sleep

That was my first attempt at smut.. hopefully practice makes perfect!

@zeldasayer

[actualltr4sh]

alright its time for another of these

1. describe yourself. i’m 5′4. i’m goofy when i feel like it. i’m pretty sarcastic or condescending depending on the mood of the receiver. i’m smart, but not on paper. i’m creative. and i’m a hot young ebony. *finger guns* 

2. if you could go anywhere for a week all expenses paid where would it be? antigua & barbuda. it’s where my dad is from and i neeeeed to be an island girl for like two seconds pls.

3. do you have siblings? 4 sisters 1 brother.

4. what is your favorite constellation, why? do not have.

5. favorite color. black.

6. what kind of music do you listen to? i like R&B, early 2000′s or that shit that’s pretty mainstream but everybody swear is lowkey (SZA, Kelela, Daniel Caesar, whoever idk). i like pop punk or alternative a lot too. florence & the machine saved me. or modern baseball, the front bottoms. whatever.

7. favorite flower. (you can name as many as you want cause flowers are awesome) i like roses. i literally have one one my arm so.

8. if you could do magic, what is the first spell you would learn? probably an invisibility spell. it seems simple and like the first thing you should do lol.

9. favorite childhood memory. wow i’ve never thought about this. there was this one christmas where they let me open all my gifts at 12. i got my nintendo DS that year and i remember hearing ‘you are my rock’ by beyonce for the first time.

10. have you ever been cheated on? ish. it sucked. he broke my heart lol.

11. if you could describe your perfect room, what would it be? it’s currently my living room. it’s really cool. actually it’d be more perfect if there was more shit on the wall. but it’s a couch and a playstation and a big tv. it’s lit.

12. favorite animal. owls. ravens. crows. i’m terrified of birds though lmao.

13. what was the last photo you took of? a board in a classroom for this project.

14. do you believe in soul mates? absolutely. i’ve had the pleasure of meeting a few.

15. do you hang toilet paper over or under? i let that shit do what it do.

16. your go to place to eat & your favorite thing to get there. i love texas roadhouse but i try something new whenever i go. chilis i get cajun chicken pasta though. no tomatoes cus i’m not a crazy person.

17. do you believe everything happens for a reason? sometimes. i do think shit just be happening though.

18. guilty pressures? what?

19. favorite mythical creature, why? witches. although i want to believe they’re real. cus they be changing shit. and shit be needing change.

20. something most people don’t know about you. i can’t drive. i’m like a C+ driver lmfao. like we won’t DIE but i’m not who you suggest to do it.

21. where did you grow up, what was it like? detroit. straight as hell. coney slaps lmfao.

22. do you believe aliens exist? that would be narcissistic of me as a human to think that we are the ONLY species to exist.

23. what was your last google search? “how to poop better.” i bullshit you not LMFAOOOOO.

24. what did your last relationship teach you? BITCH. it taught me what i needed in a relationship. what i didn’t need. to put my healing first before anyone else. that love does not always conquer all. to never put a significant other before a friend. to give myself the same love & forgiveness i would forgive anyone else. bitch, i got nothing but lessons lmao.

25. would you relocate for love? i would do anything for love with my dumbass.

26. do you hold grudges or forgive easy? i forgive, not easy, but i forgive. i also don’t hold grudges, but i don’t forget.

27. favorite book. many. eleanor & park is a easy one to say though. i’d have to think forreal. 

28. do you consider yourself an extrovert or introvert? bitch i am introverted as hell. i go days without speaking to people lol.

29. have you ever kept a journal, do you now? i have kept a diary/journal religiously since i was 5.

30. top 5 favorite movies. paid in full, bring it on, halloween, stepbrothers, horrible bosses.

31. do you believe that everything happens for a reason?: didn’t i already answer this? sometimes, nigga.

32. what is your greatest fear? falling in the oven. or never being happy.

33. favorite alcoholic beverage. crown royal vanilla. or anything. i’m that friend lmao.

34. most embarrassing thing you’ve done. be born probably.

35. do you believe in ghosts? all of that.

36. what is the best and worst part of your personality? i make a joke out of everything. the good shit, the bad shit. i’m making fun of it.

37. should you split the dinner bill? if y’all struggling, sure. if you feel like it, sure. money doesn’t matter to me honestly idc lmfao.

38. are you a good liar? ish. i try not to tbh because i don’t really know if i can pull it off lol.

39. what keeps you up at night? i be knocked out forreal LMFAO but anxiety. if i’m not asleep i’m panicking. about.. anything.

40. would you rather go without your phone or music? i truly only use my phone for music. give me an ipod i swear i’d be good.

41. do you believe in god? i believe so. i think so. maybe. yes. i’m the worst christian LMFAO

42. how do you relax when frustrated? i don’t. i have anxiety. jk. ish. lmfaooo. i shower. i write. i watch tv. i sleep. i cook.

43. what’s something that offends you? hearing people talk about mental illnesses in a way that doesn’t accurately depict the experience.

44. favorite food nachOOOOOS

45. if you were on a 10 hour flight and could sit and talk to any person the entire time, who would it be? my ex :/ he was really my best friend LMAO

46. when do you feel the most confident? lowkey, when i’m naked. i got abs and my titties sit. lmfaoooo

47. what do you do on your free time? sleep or watch tv or write.

48. is there anyone who has completely lost your respect i be looking at people differently but i don’t think i don’t respect anyone.

49. have you ever broken someone’s heart? doubtful.

50. did/do you play sports in school? yeah lol i cheered and did gymnastics.

51. when are you happiest? writing or escaping with a tv show.

52. coffee or tea? CAFFEINE ME PLS!

53. what is one possession you own you wouldn’t want to live without? as of late, my camera. i love my baby.

54. what is the first thing you notice about a person? idk. haven’t met anybody new lately.

55. what is your favorite season, why? spring or fall. spring is rainy, fall is gloomy.

56. what makes you laugh? trauma.

57. are you a clean or messy person? messy normally, clean if i’m manic or suddenly tryna shape my shit up.

58. what is important for a successful relationship? COMMUNICATION.

59. what was your upcoming like? fine. rocky. confusing. okay i guess though.

60. favorite holiday? halloween :)

61. what is the first thing you’d do if you won the lottery? pay off my all my debt. student. medical bills. all of it. i don’t wanna owe shit.

62. what’s the best pizza topping combination? bacon and ham is all i get.

63. favorite outdoor activity. going back inside, the fuck lmfaoooo.

64. how are you? honestly. i’m drunk right now so.

65. would you rather go camping in the woods or stay at a beach resort? i hate outside in general. but beaches. less bugs.

66. what is the most beautiful thing in nature? the sun/moon.

67. favorite type of candy? sour patches watermelon or swedish fish or carmello chocolate bars.

68. if your life was a book, what would be the title? ‘pieces in print’

69. what movie quotes do you use of a regular bases? oh god, do i use any?the first thing i thought of was “cha feel? cha definitely feel.” from 21 jumpstreet and i rarely even say that lol.

70. what was cool when you were young but not cool now? webkinz.

71. what’s the craziest conversation you have ever eves dropped on? i don’t remember her words exactly but something about fucking a monkey my freshman year of highschool.

72. what’s the most interesting documentary you’ve ever watched? they’re all pretty interesting. that abducted in plain sight shit was DUMB tho.

73. what’s the worst hairstyle you’ve had? bangs in the 7th grade like anybody lmao.

74. what do you like to cook? all of it. i love cooking!

75. what’s the coolest animal you’ve seen in the wild? ...in the wild? i saw a rat in the street once.

76. what’s the funniest tv show you’ve ever seen?: bitch this is hard. schitts creek. arrested development. the office. misfits. idk tv is funny as hell.

77. do you usually follow your heart or your head? both. once someone told me i made calculated risks and i will never forget it. if i want to do something i WILL do it. but before i do it i think about the best, worst, and most realistic case scenario lmao.

78. what is your favorite quote? “if you are neutral in times of oppresion you have chosen the side of the oppressor.”

79. what’s the weirdest crush you have ever had? my after school teacher in 5th grade. he actually reminds me of jim halpert now that i think about it. makes sense.

80. what’s your love language? quality time and words of affirmation. so literally hang out with me and tell me you love me.

81. do you ever feel alone? yeah. this time last year was the worst of it. i don’t feel like that too much anymore though.

82. ever been bullied? yes nigga. shit sucks.

83. are you usually early or late? on time or late. i can’t be early for the life of me you asking for too much lmfao.

84. what kind of art do you enjoy most? writing. poetry. stories. you know.

85. what do you wish you knew more about? myself.

[barelylivinblog]

How I Ate My Weight in Pineapple Upside Down Cake on a Boat and many more in:  “On Cruising” written by Liv Mitchell, illustrations by the nasty things that escaped my body afterwards.

About a year ago, I swore up and down that I would never get on a cruise ship because that was too claustrophobic for someone like me. 

On January 12th, I got out of my first Uber to Tampa’s cruise line port where I boarded The Brilliance of The Seas, a Royal Caribbean boat, and one the largest boats I had ever seen. I truly thought that there was no way this thing was floating in the water.

This trip only happened because I am fortune enough to have a wonderful boyfriend who has wonderful parents who surprised us with a five night cruise to the Cayman Islands and Cozumel. Take note that the weekend before I had taken my first trip to Canada -- that’s three countries in two weeks. 

Upon boarding the ship, it was overwhelming with how much there was inside this massive metal machine. Two pools, a casino, three restaurants, a dining room, buffet, theater, basketball court, rock climbing wall, club, bar, dance floor, etc, etc. It didn’t feel real and our clouded minds wandered around the ship in silence as we took in our new home for the week.

I’ll tell you that the greatest advantage to cruising is that you’re traveling without feeling like you’re going anywhere. We were at sea for an entire day, and although we could have flown down the Cayman Islands in probably less than six hours, it was much less stressful to be able to do things while we were traveling to our destination. Our suitcases never had to be unpacked and repacked up, food was never an issue, and the cruise ship made a strong attempt to keep guests busy. It was an experience within itself. 

Which leads me to the greatest disadvantage to cruising: being the age of 18-25. I will say that there is plenty to do on the boat, but 95% of the activities hosted are guided towards children and older adults. There were crafts for children, and 70′s music on the dance floor. It became noticeable that my boyfriend and I were struggling to find things to do, which gave us a sense of panic.. That’s ironic, almost silly, to say, but planning out your day on a cruise ship creates this feeling that you HAVE to be doing something or else. If you wanted to relax without having anyone around, you either had to sit out in the boiling sun on one of the side decks, or sit in your small room.  

However, we did find things to do. It opened our minds to doing things we might not have chosen if we had our freedom to walk off the ship, but none the less everything that we went to was entertaining and pretty damn good for being on a boat. For example, we saw a Broad Way type show one night that impressed both of us. For being on a boat, the show really put forth its best efforts. I applaud the dancers for depending on their balance, jumping around in stilettos, while we were feeling the boat move in our seats. We also saw a magic show that was hilarious, which assures me that all the entertainment was well organized.

The best part, however, was the food. I think as the week went on the amount of food we were consuming was slowly killing us. No matter where you are or what time of the day it is, there is always delicious food. I could get pineapple upside down cake at three in the morning and no one would blink an eye. In fact, I ate so much dessert that I was getting tired of it. Every lunch there was a large buffet filled with a variety of foods and dinner was a three course meal that was absolutely to die for. I looked forward to dinner every night because it became a nice family moment for us to sit back and reflect upon the day and catch up.

Destination wise, my boyfriend and I agreed that once you see one of the Caribbean islands, you’ve pretty much seen them all. The Cayman Islands were disappointing in my opinion, just because the island didn’t really feel like an island to me. I came into all of this having no expectations and a very open mind, but with island in the title I expected more than a shopping district. I believe this has to do with perspective. We were ferried in on the port side of the island where all the industrial buildings and operations were. We could only stay on that side because if you wanted to go to the beach you had to take a forty-five minute taxi ride. So, maybe the island is beautiful somewhere, but from what I saw it was the same gift shop with a different name and logo side by side for blocks of street. The benefit of that island was that I got WiFi for a minute, and I watched some woman become way too excited about these big fish that were at the shoreline of the water. I also became very thankful that I get to live in such a privileged country. Oh, and I saw some chickens!

Speaking of WiFi: I will probably not be going anywhere that I won’t have any service for an extended period of time ever again. The most important part of this trip was that I quickly realized how easily I took being able to use my phone for granted. It freaked me out to not know what was going on back at home. I’m that kid that rarely calls my parents or updates them about what I’m doing, but after that trip I’ve made sure to better communicate with them because I understand what being in the dark is like. I kept thinking about the possibilities of something happening at home and me not being able to know until I was in another country, or if the boat sank and I couldn’t even text a goodbye. I depend on my phone to fall asleep too -- I know, I’m one of those people. I’ve made it a routine that every night I have to go through  my social media feed to calm my mind down from thinking. So, not having that crutch made it a little hard to fall asleep every night. Oh, and there was this weird painting on the wall of these flowers that looked like spiders that gave me the creeps. 

The old men on the ship also gave me the creeps. If you’re cruising, you should be aware that you won’t ever have to worry about children being rambunctious: it’s the older people. We witnessed so many drunks on the cruise. I mean, sure I guess, have your fun, but we also witnessed the obnoxiously drunk. It was kind of scary, because I don’t enjoy that atmosphere and neither does my boyfriend. That meant that some places were off limits just because we didn’t want to deal with them. That’s not to say that all places were filled with drunks. We did have fun in the small arcade for an hour or so, wandered out to the helicopter pad for the best view of the ocean, and really enjoyed sitting at the actual bar because the most sophisticated crowd seemed to gather there. It was also the place where they held trivia. 

Being on a cruise ship is kind of strange in the sense that you’re trapped with the same two thousand people for a week. Everyone instantly becomes friends, people talk to you on the elevator, and you’ll watch your boyfriend make small talk with the fancy old ladies at said trivia. I made minimal interaction with other guests unless I was provoked first, but my boyfriend spent some time doing sports activities with others such as table tennis and dodge ball. However, we never really met anyone to stick with because the age situation. If you’re going on a cruise I think it’s best to take a small group so you have a variety of people to have fun with. I caught on that there was a grouping system midway through the cruise and that’s how people were enjoying themselves so much compared to just my boyfriend and I sitting and staring at each other for four days. (okay, maybe not like that but we spent a lot of time sitting and looking to each other for what to do with ourselves. Either way I love him to death and would choose to be slightly worried about being bored over any other option that didn’t include him in the picture.)

Half way through our cruise we arrived in Cozumel in what felt like a cattle farm method of moving tourists where the tourist farmers wanted us to go. It was strange, but effective for the shops and vendors in that particular region. After getting lost trying to figure out where our excursion bus was picking us up at, we took a fifteen minute drive to what was suppose to be this fun water park/beach adventure.

“suppose to be” because:

a. Most of the water attractions the beach had offered were not operating because the sea was a little rough, which isn’t the companies fault but I thought they should have considered doing something being that the entire reason we came was to do those activities. (activities included a floating obstacle course, kayaks, peddle boats, jet skis, snorkeling, etc.)

b. “Water park” in Cozumel means two identical short water slides (that also were not operating when my boyfriend and I walked over), a kiddie pool, and a regular pool.

c. The food was nothing compared to what we had been eating on the boat. I found out the hard way that only in America will you find white meat chicken nuggets. 

After those let downs, we sat on the beach for a couple hours. I also was accidentally given tequila because when my boyfriend asked for a lemonade the bartender put a shot of tequila in it before boyfriend could say anything. Actually, the staff was REALLY pushing drinks on people. I don’t mind a drink or two, being the college student that I am, but I’m pretty sure some teenage girls that were not Mexico’s drinking age (18) were being served. It was strange to watch this bartender/server run around the beach continuously asking if he could serve alcohol to anyone. Thinking back, when I asked for a water he made a joke about me not getting anything other than “just water”. With the lemonade situation, however, the only reason I hadn’t picked up on there being tequila in my drink was because I didn’t want to sound snotty for thinking Mexico’s lemonade was gross.

Even though the beach was somewhat of a bummer, Cozumel had a much better island paradise feel to it. The plants were gorgeous, the buildings were colorful, and the place felt truly exotic. We even watched some native dancing waiting for our bus to go to the beach, which was a fun touch and I wish I could have learned more about what they were doing. 

Back on the boat, I began to notice that the staff was...kind of strange. I guess after the magic of “oh my gosh we’re on a cruise ship!” wears off, you begin to see it as the operation that it is. Everyone was overly nice and really tried to drive home the “Are you having fun!?” feel. There’s one way of being charismatic and fun, such as Disney employees that give you the feeling you are talking to a friend, and then there was the same girl at lunch every day smiling with a bottle of hand sanitize telling us to have a good day like a robot.

Overall, I’d say cruising is something I’ll enjoy when I’m older and don’t want to run around to get where I’m going. I think with who I am currently, I enjoy having my freedom to run around and do whatever at the spur of the moment. Cruising is very scheduled, and is a major tourist trap. I’m assuming that going by the guidelines of what the trap wants, if you really want to have their idea of “a good time” you’ll have to overpay for it. However, the food was worth a million dollars and even without the luxuries other guests chose to waste their money on, it became an experience like no other that I believe everyone should at least have once. I'm always continuing to count my blessings and be thankful for what life has given me, and being on that boat with the person I love the most really solidified my gratefulness for the gift of life.  

[disc-golf]

Use This 5-Step Feedback “Cycle” to Improve Your Business and Relationships

I’ve been broke. I’ve been a drunk. I’ve been a jerk.

I’ve had social anxiety so bad that I would go to seminars and request a hotel room on the lowest floor possible so that I didn’t have to take the elevator with strangers.

That all changed thanks to a simple feedback cycle that has made me “normal,” richer than I ever thought possible, and the owner of my dream business.

Today, I rarely consume alcohol, and when I do, I can always stop at one drink.

When I ride in elevators, I greet everyone that enters and sometimes even tell jokes to strangers.

People who knew me 10 years ago can’t believe how much I’ve changed.

But enough about me. Here’s the good news for you:

There’s one tool I used to change my life, and it can change yours, too. It’s called the Effective Feedback Cycle:

But before you dive in with both feet, you first must accept that you aren’t perfect. You have to put your ego aside.

As high performers, we have an unfailing drive within us to move forward, to improve, to grow. While that’s a very positive quality, it can also lead us to shove problems under the rug—just so we can keep our momentum going.

That’s why we all need to regularly take a deep breath and examine our Effective Feedback Cycle.

I didn’t create this cycle, but it’s a simple, highly visual way to move from the recognition of a problem through feedback and resolution.

Let’s walk through each step in the cycle, using myself as an example. You can use these same steps to help you identify and solve your own problems—both personal and professional.

1. Discover the problem/issue

Without this initial step, the rest of the cycle doesn’t work. In fact, there’s no point in having a feedback cycle if you’re unwilling to see your own shortcomings.

I recommend two ways to dive into this. The first is via self-discovery. This often takes the form of meditation, focusing on negative emotions and/or the problem itself. If you focus on the problem—instead of running away from it—you will likely be able to clearly define what it is.

If, however, you’re completely lost, meditation can also guide you to the root of negative emotion. By removing external distractions and spending 5-10 minutes in a quiet space lingering with your negativity, you will uncover a lot of the triggers and root causes. The key is to “face and follow”—face the emotion and follow the triggers that make it worse or better. Several of these short meditation sessions will reveal much about what your problem actually is.

Self-discovery, however, is not the only path to defining a problem. An outside perspective is always helpful—which is why I always advocate that high performers hire a coach sooner rather than later. An attentive coach will be able to see shifts in your mood and behavior, and even recognize your problems before you do. Their perspective and experience is invaluable, so be sure you hire someone who is willing to be upfront and honest about what they see.

I’ve long practiced meditation, but I fully admit it’s only part of what I need for clarity. Years ago, I hired a coach to “show me the mirror”—reflecting my faults, insecurities, and weaknesses back to me so I could finally see them clearly. It wasn’t fun, but it was absolutely necessary for me to figure out a path forward. 

2. Analyze causes and consequences

Now that you have the problem defined, let’s map out your journey. Let’s assume that your present “problem state” is point B. You want to get to point C, where the problem is resolved. But you also know that to get to point B, you needed to start at point A.

So “face and follow” the path back to point A. What caused the problem you’re currently dealing with?

For me, my lack of vision, goals, and purpose really derailed me. I messed around with alcohol to hide the fact that I wasn’t going anywhere. But alcohol wasn’t the problem—nor was partying or staying up too late or eating junk. Those were all symptoms of a bigger problem: That I hadn’t put any effort into figuring out what I wanted in life and how to get there. And instead of putting effort into defining these critically important things, I just distracted myself with empty activities and indulgences. These just built on my existing anxiety and made my going-nowhere problem worse.

3. Create options and solutions

Every problem should have two solutions. But before we start mapping out those fixes, we need to educate ourselves.

Why is it that we landed in our current situation? Who else has faced our problem? What insight or wisdom can they offer? Are there articles online we can read about it?

More than likely, the problem you’re facing has been faced by others before you. And in the digital age, it’s likely that one of them (at least) has documented their own journey of problem-discovery through solution and resolution. Look for these materials. Reach out to others who have found solutions to similar problems. With this research as a foundation, you can devise your own two solutions.

Now you’re probably asking: Why two?

Because not all well-researched solutions will work. Don’t give yourself the chance to give up on self-improvement just because of a single hiccup. With two solutions, you can move straight from solution A (if it doesn’t work) to solution B.

When I finally started paying attention to my own shortcomings and mistakes, I knew I needed a lot of help mapping out a way forward. So I challenged myself—with the help of a coach—to network with people who had done what I wanted to do (start my own business). I learned from their mistakes and successes so that I could take steps I knew would work.

It was around this time that I also started researching success routines and techniques. I discovered the Stoics, and really began to internalize their teachings—especially their lessons on mindfulness, taking full advantage of the hours in a day, and the necessity of working outside your comfort zone.

This two-pronged approach allowed me to grow in two different ways at the same time—with one approach complementing the other. There were certain very practical things that my high-performing contacts taught me that the Stoics couldn’t and vice-versa. Both together, however, were key to my ultimate success.

4. Commit to action

As I have preached many times, “Action beats anxiety.” Once you have a solution in place and a plan to implement that solution, then act with resolve. Find accountability partners—actually business partners, perhaps, or colleagues/friends—who can check to make sure you’re following through on your “solution roadmap.”

A big part of this is routine. If you create a routine (or tweak an existing routine to accommodate your solution), you will start to build habits around daily action steps. If you know you have a strong routine in place, then weave this new solution into it.

My routine has been set for years, and has built high-performance habits that are now second-nature. I exercise daily, meditate or reflect daily, practice daily gratitude, and constantly revisit the steps I need to take to achieve my biggest goals. This roadmap to success is central to my Perfect Life Formula, which I’m now able to share with thousands of high-achievers all over the world.

5. Evaluate performance

As you follow your “solution roadmap,” make sure to take pitstops to review your performance. Is your solution working? Does it really address your problem, or is it just another thing you’re doing every day? If you want, you can even create a rating scale to track progress and effectiveness.

This is where a coach really becomes valuable. Not only are they someone who provides accountability—someone you desperately do not want to disappoint—but they regularly ask you questions about how your routines, habits, and techniques are moving you toward your biggest goals.

My accountability is both public and private—I’m regularly sharing my progress with my workshops participants, my fellow coaches, and readers like you. This keeps me in a state of constant evaluation. I ask myself daily if what I’m teaching and preaching is actually working; if it isn’t, I scrap it and find a better approach.

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See how easy that is? Five steps and I went from drunk jerk to successful friend, mentor, and coach. If I can turn my life around that dramatically, so can you.

Just remember: Whatever your high-performance goals may be, you’re likely to face problems. Don’t sweep them under the rug or ignore them. Use the Feedback Cycle to turn those problems into massive success stories—then pay that success forward by sharing your experience with other entrepreneurs.

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