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#I love the complex and the nebulous and the indescribable and I love you formulaic and I love you pain and I love you light
novablisters · 8 months
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“oh btw you have to be this gender and it defines how people perceive you and how you have to act and also you have to play an emotional puzzle game full of pins and needles and knives to love in this specific way to be fulfilled and it has to be with this gender and they have to look a certain way or else you’re a moron with low standards and you have to dress this certain way and if you for some reason don’t have enough control to do this we will try to strip you of the inherent value you have by merit of being alive in the eyes of man and regardless you will have to do gymnastics to figure out how to survive in this complicated system we built that doesn’t care about you as anything more than a replaceable cog”
awesome! great! one question, can I as a living sentient being have my own feelings? two questions, actually, can I decide how I want to live? three. can I decide anything about who I am. why do I have to live by your rules. do I have freedom in any way that matters. do you even want me to. you will continue to try to stomp me out as if I am a pesky fire. will I burn you?
#started from gender dysphoria but the first sentence snowballed because it’s almost valentines day#and then#bashing my head against the wall#there’s million things I could tag this with but you know what I Don’t Fucking Care#I am built to LOVE I AM BUILT FOR JOY AND PLEASURE AND#NOBODY IS LISTENING EVERYONE IS PLAYING THE GAME I WANT OUT I WANT OUT OF IT I AM SHACKLED AND CHAINED BY THINGS NOBODY BATS AN EYE AT#I am so lonely in ways that nobody understands#the salmon are kissing and it sounds like the words of god#I just want to love#but the way I do is wrong#I cannot love myself because I am Wrong#but I do anyway#and I love you and I love bizarre campy shit and I love childish things and I love diversity and I love living and I love freedom#and I love art and I love life and I love subtle small things about nature and even human society#I love the complex and the nebulous and the indescribable and I love you formulaic and I love you pain and I love you light#and I love you darkness and I love you horror and I love you hope and I love you broken and shattered and Wrong#is it so selfish to want to be loved in return#to be loved for all that is both understood and impossible to understand about me#to be loved by someone who can also see the destructive force in car exhaust and fall in love with it#but also see the creek flow and fall to their knees because it is so beautiful that by chance we have water and therefore life#to be loved in a way so raw that to deem it romantic is to dumb it down#but nothing can ever be Truly understood#science is an endless game of desparately clinging to sense#as we write what we find only to discover something else completely is true#maybe we’re all the atom#model after model is drawn but we may never really know what and why and how#we try to draw it but it can never be so simple
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