#I lovee jimmy but he is not in this fandom/a fanfic space he has no idea how etiquette works here

[thedo0zyslider]

hey ermm with that recent "jimmy maybe reading fanfic on stream/video post" going around I will be putting my fics on registered users only. (I know if he DOES go to ao3 he MIGHT sort by general audiences (if he figures that system out) but I still DO NOT want those read)

He might go onto wattpad, but still. That is not better. Wattpad authors are still fanfic authors (I saw some people kinda implying that they weren't on the notes of the og post and um. As someone who originally intended to post on wattpad, What The Fuck guys. Not cool.) At the same time, the ccs know about ao3 guys, they are not as in the dark we like to believe they are. We have evidence that a few use the site for gods sake. So yeah I'm encouraging all my fellow writers to go ahead and hide their stuff if they don't want their works read, ao3 or wattpad or whatever site.

And while we're here. Do not send my work to a cc without my permission. Do not do that to anyone's work, especially not fanfic, okay? Okay.

So sorry to all my guest readers (I love you guys dearly) but this gives me a lot less anxiety <3

[blocksruinedme]

(hi there! sorry if this is disrespectful or anything, feel free to delete this ask! i was just concerned because in the comments of jimmy's recent videos, it seems that he might make a video reacting to fanfictions...

very concerning! especially because it seems like he didn't contact the creators of the edits in newest video beforehand. no offense to him, but i genuinely do not trust him to handle fanfiction in a respectful way. he's very hard-working, but he's getting dangerously content-brained!

anyways, the reason i'm sending this ask to you is because you seem to frequent his streams a lot. VERY sorry if this is disrespectful to ask, but if you do attend his next stream, is it ok to ask that you try and send a message in his chat? i would myself, but he streams after midnight where i live T^T i really hope that someone well-versed in the rules of fandom spaces (maybe scott (ｰ ｰ;) ) can talk him out of it, but i would be very grateful if any chatters could discourage him during his next live.

thank you very much for reading!!)

-a shy chinese anon who experienced the banning of ao3 in china because fans of a celebrity mass-reported an rpf fic to the government :<

(Hey shy anon, I didn't show up until a little after the ban, but I was on the english side of that fandom so i know a lot. my eternal condolences, I'll never stop being upset about what happened!)

It is not at all disrespectful to ask politely, which you have! I am not going to send a message in his chat because it is an absolute hellhole, but people I know have left thoughtful comments on his youtube, which I think is 20x more useful. He sees those in his own time and can think about it. Chat is running nonstop, super fast, you get instant reaction in the chat from all kinds of sorts - seriously i love jimmy and i have nothing against younger people, but holy hell that chat is mostly intolerable to read. Most streams I don't even have it visible. Jimmy has very little time to think in response to chat messages, it can't be nuanced, and the first thing he says is now public record.

Overall, I don't think Jimmy will react to fanfic. If he does (and I've been wrong predicting Jimmy before!), it's going to be something like Wholesome Seablings Adventures. I can not imagine Jimmy reading ship fic - unless I guess it's incredibly pg canon-ship? There's all kinds of "pg youtubers", and Jimmy's more on the Katherine side of thing, appealing to families and genuinely little kids. If you look at the saucy things he lets in, you generally need some real non-pg context for it to feel non-pg. (there's always exceptions)

When people demand he address shipping he tries to say as little as possible. He's been shown nsfw fanart while he was streaming. He knows what is going on and he's not going to touch that. He's thoughtful when it counts, and since these aren't stream reacts, he has time to think hard about what he's actually going to use. So if he did do fanfic, there would be plenty of never seen footage of Jimmy of going "holy moly!" and moving on. When it matters, he is generally thoughtful and respectful.

Like the time he realized he was confused about asexuality (he didn't know about aromanticism) and slowed down to be really careful he didn't say anything accidentally hurtful. (for context shelby is ace but dates and he knows that. look at his poor little face trying to understand.)

Maybe he'll mess up this time, I sure hope not, but I'm not personally freaking out.

Also, exactly one time he opened tumblr on stream, it was the sexyman poll, and he read my reply to the post (i'm the one who called him a wet paper bag of a man, my claim to fame.) I showed up to apologize, he was a sweetheart, and he said this about tumblr, that he knows we want our own private space. He's respectful at heart.

I am not on tiktok, but until your ask, I'll admit it never occurred to me he might contact the creators before reacting. Thinking on it, I guess I think of TikTok like youtube, where it is loudly tossed out at the whole world for attention, but I'm not on TikTok.

And why do I think ao3 is different? Well, I have no coherent answer besides "vibes" and "more contained audience" and "everyone knows everyone is on youtube and tiktok".

Here are some more Jimmy clips I've wanted to share on tumblr for one reason or another.

In the end, I have been hyperfixating on this man for sixteen months and I believe it'll be okay. If I'm wrong, well. We'll make it through this, gang. We'll take care of each other and keep going. Nothing's stopped us yet!

If you want to say something to Jimmy, leave a yt comment, don't go into his stream, please, not there, you'll just provoke people and he might have to respond to that, please

Everyone out there who read ao3 not logged in - go log in, people are locking things.

People on ao3, lock or don't lock, as you see fit!

(also joel lizzie and oli did fanfic readings/reenactments/whatever years ago, including writing their own snippets, i got through like 90 seconds of one, youtube at your own risk.)

[dimpledpran]

bad buddy fandom getting-to-know-you meme!

(created by @fiercynn)

Thank you for tagging me @morkofday (x) and @disasterbabygirlnick (x)

note: i consider "fanworks" to pretty much everything people create related to a fandom, including but not limited to meta/analysis/discussion, gifs, fanvids/edits/fancams, filk, fanart, fanfic, fan food, fan crafts, etc. please include this note with the meme unless you have a different definition!

name and whatever you want to share about yourself

Mimi, 30, She/Her, Singapore, always in need of more sleep, and more time to get through the watch list

when did you watch bad buddy/join the fandom?

So I was initially waiting for Bad Buddy to finish airing so that I can binge it. But it was getting harder to avoid spoilers on the dash, so I decided to give it a go. I am so glad I binged ep 1-6 and only joined the airing from ep 7. Because there is no way I could have survived ep5 and waited a week after watching Pran walk away. That would have been torture.

favorite ship(s)

Of course PatPran are the ultimate ship. I love them so much. And also InkPha because we are finally getting some GL representation!!!

favorite character(s)

I know everyone says this, but it is true. Pran is me. I am Pran. Like I have never related to a character as much as I have related to Pran. In terms of character, personality and even certain issues he was facing. It's just insane. And I love him so much.

favorite episode(s)

Episode 10. It just has everything; the highs and the lows. A perfect mix. We start off with the staircase confession, which is also one of my fave scenes, and then we have the boys finding out that the business/Chai was never the main problem the parents, prompting them to dig deeper. Pha's realisation and thew whole park trial date with the Wai encounter. That was such an epic scene. The only thing better than confused Pha was protective Ink and flustered/heartbroken Wai.A little cameo from Gemini, Ford and Fourth! INKPHA DARK ROOM SCENE!! PatPran on an actual hotpot date! And of course the parental confrontation and rooftop breakdown. I know I did not have to list out the whole ep, but I got excited. I am sorry.

favorite scene(s) 

Episode 5 4/4 is just a different league. That should actually count as an episode on its own. Love every second from the lobby fight scene to the rooftop kiss and Pran walking away. Its all just chef's kiss. All the emotions!! I am forever in awe at how Jimmy stood up to Nanon and Ohm. He could have easily gotten swallowed by their presence and energy, as a newbie. But nope, he gave as good as either of them. He demanded that space in the scene. And all three of them killed it! Not even gonna start talking about the rooftop scene. There is not enough time and character limit for that. Another favourite is the rooftop breakdown. That was one gorgeous breakdown, and idk if it can be topped. The way Pat is already there when Pran calls his phone. The way Pran who has always been in absolute control, jsut completely breaks down sobbing in Pat's arms. The way Pat can't hold his tears back at seeing Pran cry. The way he tries to still hold it back because he knows Pran needs the space to finally let go. Pat asking Pran if he likes Ink in ep4, and Pran crying in his bed. Idk if he was meant to cry, or if it just happened. But that was beautiful. I can't watch that scene without feeling like I want to punch Pat for puttiung PRan through that, and to give Pran a nice long hug. This shall be my last. InkPha darkroom scene!! They both did such a rgeat job there as well! I can still hear the way Pha's voice quivers when she talks to Ink. It was remarkable. And to think everyone was actually there for that scene (I think it was this scene?). Cos everyone wanted to see the girls act a GL scene. So it must have been pressurising, but they were amazing!

one thing you would change about the show if you could

Gonna say the same thing as Vi and Vishie. WAI NEEDS TO APOLOGISE TO PRAN! It does not matter if homophobia does not exist in the BB universe. You still broke your friend's trust. There's no way you are being made the victim here. You have to apologise and face the music. I am not saying that Wai dropping the curtain should not have happened. I can understand why he did that. But I can't understand why he got away scot-free, and Pran was left to chase after him with an apology. I do not like that they left this unaddressed.

what are some of your favorite fanworks made by other people

It honestly is a struggle to control myself here and not just tag everything I see/read. So here are a few.

♥ gfx ♥ ♥ @weiyingsexual : InkPha X 4Signs ♥ @pranink : The colouring here is insanely gorgeous , PatPran + Rooftop (Stunning colouring) ♥ @petekaos Just an insane edit ♥ @nanons : Pran Fave Character , This gives such dreamy vibes ♥ @mabellsmora : Love the quote with the scenes ♥ @liyazaki : BB Casette Playlist ♥ @lan-xichens : Love the rainbow and the composition , ♥ @baifengxis : Basically their whole rewatch series , ♥ @ardentlytess : InkPha Edit , Pran Fave Character ♥ @raypakorn : Pran Edit , Pat Edit , Horror Edit , Love the blending and overlays here ♥ @disasterbabygirlnick : PatPranXBollywood ♥ Edit ♥ ♥ @morkofday : Fave Ep , Pran DnD , I just love how Pran GLOWS in this edit , ANGST , This used to be my wallpaper , Planet Symbolism ♥ @snimeat : Love the framing and composition here , This gives such happy vibes ♥ @oswlld : Fave Ep , The quote with those scenes just went straight to my heart , Silly Pat and Endeared Pran , PatPran X Songwriting (such a cool formart/concept) , BB as Noir Film ♥ @patspran : New Beginning ♥ @i-got-the-feels : Dynamics , Pran Parakul Songs , Fave Ep

♥ Fanart ♥ ♥ @thatgothsamurai : Photobooth , Wedding ♥ @hereforlou : just all their fanart ♥ @kit-teung : InkPha ♥ @kornswasianguyswag : All their BB fanart ♥ Fanvid♥ ♥ @patpranism : B99 intro ♥ @transpat : Tujh Mein Rab Dikhita Hai , Pat Version ♥ Fanfic ♥ ♥ Promise Me When October Comes, You Will Wait For Me , Remember Even When You Forget, Do I Need A Reason? ♥ @dimplesandfierceeyes : Aroma-nce So Sweet , When Tempests Toss, Embrace Chaos , The Road To Normal Is A Mirage ♥ @sunshinedobi : Melted , Heart In A Cage , Sleepless In Bangkok , Worth The Wait ♥ Contradictions ♥ What's In Your Head (Zombie Eh Eh) ♥ I Only Want To Have It All ♥ @fiercynn : Wait Until The Stars Uncross And Say Yes , All For Swinging You Around ♥ @bbshyperfixation : Pat & Dissaya Go To Singapore , Don't Worry , All My Clothes would Fit , ♥ There's So Many Of Me And So Many Of You ♥ @morkofday : My People, Our People , My Right Hand, Meet Left Hand

(if you create fanworks) what are your favorite fanworks that you’ve made?

Fave Show : Honestly am very impressed with how the blending turned out here. Fave Couple : First time trying out a different style with text effects, colouring those random heart effects, and I was very excited with the final look. Fave Episode : I thought it was a fun idea to explain the episode with song titles, and liked how it turned out. BB X Spiderman : Yes, It is not a happy edit, but I love spiderman and I loved the chance to mix it together with my BB love. Composition Gif Challenge : Again, not a happy edit. But I saw the quote and it reminded me that PatPran could have had an unhappy ending. So I wanted to explore that. It was fun trying to figure out all the shapes and placements. Gifted Buddy Series (1 and 2) : This was entirely a product of Vishie screaming at me with her AU ideas. Thank you for all the screaming Vish, I love it all and I love you! Season 2 Netflix Edit : This took so much time, but I really like how it turned out. And it was kinda fun coming up with a Season 2 synopsis.

a song that makes you think of bbs (the ones in the show don’t count lol)

Silver Tongues - Louis Tomlinson This song is totally PatPran's song. It was made for them. It actually prompted a whole series that I planned out in my head last year. And it turned out that @fitfmybeloved also had the same idea, and we brainstormed more. But somehow we still haven't actually done it yet. Hopefully soon?

idk anything else you want us to know?

So @morkofday gave me an idea for a "collab" edit and we are both working through it now, and mine is about BB. So there is an edit coming out soon? hehe

tagging:

I Everyone who has been tagged above. ♥

[lovecanbesostrange]

I want to say things about the WandaVision finale, but I don’t even know where to start.

Who was Jimmy’s missing person? Why didn’t we get one last scene with Monica, Jimmy and Darcy? Hayward giving up was kinda fast.

I kinda like how the people of Westview are left. Something terrible has been done to them. And I don’t think they are under any obligation to just forgive. And how do you even apologize for spreading your trauma like that? To think they had Wanda’s nightmares... yeah, wo will pay for a townwide therapy now???

In the comics Wanda has been made into - an unintentional - villain so often, it fits that the show that centers around her, goes there as well. And she can’t handle it, but ultimately doesn’t want to cause harm, but in the end that is what she’s remembered for. Ouch.

The one on one level with Monica works. But also because Monica isn’t just any civillian, but has training, a mission and grew up with unusual things. (I knew there wouldn’t be a hug, because that’s too fanfic-y and also they are not really close, but I still wish that happened. Monica talking to the boys was great and I’m gonna create a space in my heart, where Wanda had a chance to ask Monica to be their godmother...)

White Vision is out in the world. Good job, Hayward, you lost your precious toy. Okay, he has the memories. But he does lack the human emotion. They just kept everything bad about VisionQuest. The family is destroyed pffffff...

But well, Wanda got to say goodbye. And she made this choice, because it was the right one. And she needs to heal. BUT EVERYTHING IS SO TERRIBLE. Damn that moment on the street when she tore down the Hex and her family vanished in agony... aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh...

But then for a brief moment they fought as one. A family. Because Wanda may have created them, but they were all real.

For years I was a bit unhappy that Wanda was just Wanda. Now I have a whole show as the origin of the Scarlet Witch. What a great pay-off. And they did go there with a new costume. Wow. I need to process all of that.

I think the way they left it with Agatha was a good choice. They couldn’t know how people would react to her and now there is the possibility to let her be Agnes forever or just bring her back. Like Wanda says, if she needs her she can find her. And since the viewers fell in love with Agatha I hope they will bring her back and there absolutely is the chance to get a Wanda/Agatha relationship close to the comics. All the doors have been left, please use it.

AND WANDA STUDIES THE DARKHOLD NOW AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA....... I loved that she took the one thing Agatha offhandedly “taught” her and used it in the fight against her immediately. Yes, Wanda has vast power with no knowledge. That absolutely is what makes her so dangerous. But she is a fast learner and the one thing she is proven over and over again is that she can adapt.

Wanda came to Westview to look at the place Vision wanted to call their home. She caused havoc and now she leaves once again being feared by people. A witch without a coven, always on the run. Such fun............................. (I was expecting Dr. Strange to show up in a post-credit moment ngl. But it’s made clear to me once again, the group of people Wanda needs are actually the Agents of SHIELD. Of course they wouldn’t be happy about the Darkhold situation... funny how Aida is like the opposite of Vision...)

The episode was very MCU. Well, as a serious finale, but instead of fun bits before the big battle we got a character driven deep dive that would just not be possible in film format. I watched eps 1-8 yesterday and I really enjoy the gradual shift. Starting with funny sitcom with a few out of place moments that hint at a dark underbelly and then revealing all the psychological damage at the core and coating it with a fantastical story with witches and robots and soldiers and superheroes. It worked. Thanks. And not dropping it all at once was the right decision!!!

Bonuspoints for Skrull lady and Monica going to space again. :3 She got powers and a new job, so at least one person gets a nice fresh start.

And now I need to process the way the Hex slowly vanished and Wanda saying goodbye to her kids and husband. Calm, collected, facing the grief with open eyes and hope.

I’ve been through some of my past tags and all the things I wished for Wanda as a character years ago and WandaVision pretty much gave me what I wanted. Wow. So now what is left would for the Scarlet Witch to get a chance to show the world that she is a hero, an Avenger, somebody fighting for others and not causing chaos (well, someone who learns to use chaos to create something good).

I mean can we talk about how the Avengers probably have their fans and endless discussions about all the good they did, but Wanda is probably the taboo topic, because she is divisive? (Like in real world MCU fandom. XD )

I HAVE LOTS OF FEELINGS AND I CAN’T BELIEVE IT’S OVER..............

[conduitstreetcat]

Fanfic writer asks

I saw this list and thought it would be fun to answer! Please, anyone who writes fic, feel free to do the same!

1. favourite fic you wrote this year

Like choosing a favourite child... but it would have to be St Jimmy

2.    least favourite fic you wrote this year Like choosing a least favourite child. Not touching this one.

3. favourite line/scene you wrote this year It would have to be the scene in A Sea of Troubles in which Jim confesses to Seb why he faked his death and realizes some unexpected truths. I remember being on holiday with friends and sitting on a wall in a beautiful castle writing this and the realization hitting Jim and me at the same time and crying my eyes out. 

4. total number of words you wrote this year 1,142,866 according to AO3 stats. Most of those were with @greenfaeriefeverdream

5. most popular fic this year In hits, In Sanguine Veritas. In kudos, Lethe.

6. least popular fic this year This Is a Love Story, both in kudos and hits. Makes sense, as I also posted the entire story on tumblr.

7. longest completed fic you wrote this year

In Sanguine Veritas - a whopping 262277 words of vampire angst and fluff.

8. shortest completed fic you wrote this year

This Is a Love Story, with 428 words shorter than many of the paragraphs of our long fics ;)

9. longest wip of the year

A Sea of Troubles, 95,001 words of heartrending soul explorations and kittens

10. shortest wip of the year

Tiger on the Silk Road - so short we haven’t even published its first chapter yet, but watch this space! It’s going to be a magnificent Arabian Nights Mormor adventure.

11. fandom you enjoyed writing for the most this year There is only Mormor.

12. favourite character to write about this year

Oh gods - *this* is like choosing a favourite child!! 

If I *have* to choose, I’d have to say Jim. He is so unpredictable, so versatile, and impatient with any hesitance on the part of his humble writer.

13. favourite writing song/artist/album of this year

So many! Music is such an important part of our writing, and we have playlists for most of our fics. 

I guess I’d have to choose Muse. Went to see them live this year and they were amazing, and so many of their songs are Mormorish.

With a shoutout to Britney Spears, Jim’s Queen of Pop...

14. a fic you didn’t expect to write

St Jimmy, again! I went to a country which has monitored internet and where pornography and homosexuality are illegal. But the thought of not writing Mormor for a *whole week* was unbearable...  Fortunately, inspired by Fleabag, we devised a setting where Jim is innocent (?) Father James, trying to help the poor lost soul who comes to his church... meaning that the first chapters at least are entirely safe for censors.

15. something you learned this year

@greenfaeriefeverdream is amazing.

16. fic(s) you completed this year

In Sanguine Veritas, St Jimmy, This Is a Love Story, Stiles and His Gun, In Tent to Murder, Lethe, Crime and Punishment, Dark Fool, Unlawful Evil.

17. fics you’ll continue next year A Sea of Troubles, Every Smile You Fake, Tiger on the Silk Road

18. current number of wips

3, as is proper

19.  any new fics to start next year Probably. We have some ideas

20. number of comments you haven’t read

There are people who *don’t read comments!?* Who are these spoiled, world-weary creatures?? We cherish, read, repeat to each other, and reply to each and every comment. Comments are gold.

21. most memorable comment/review

Oh that’s hard. So many lovely ones from @rammyrue @hiblovesandrewscott @morporkianhobbit . I think the ones where people give a blow-by-blow account of how they experience a chapter are the best. It’s like experiencing it all again.

22. events you participated in this year

none

23. fics you wanted to write but didn’t In the Good Ideas (TM) list

24. favourite fic you read this year

Closer Than Skin by @mottlemoth

25. a fic you read this year you would recommend everyone read

https://archiveofourown.org/works/501161 with trigger warnings for death. But she’s nice.

26. number of favourites/bookmarks you made this year

Only the one, Emergency Contact by @rammyrue

27. favourite fanfic author of the year

@greenfaeriefeverdream . Always.

28. longest fic you read this year

In Sanguine Veritas

29. shortest fic you read this year

Not sure - probably something on tumblr

30. favourite fandom to read fic from this year

MorMor 4eva!

[greenapricot]

2019 fic year in review

Total number of completed stories: 18

Total word count: 53536

Fandoms written in: Lewis (15), Endeavour (2), Inspector Morse (1), Shetland (1), Victoria (1). (Those numbers don’t add up bc there’s a fic that is Lewis, Endeavour, and Inspector Morse all at once.)

Looking back, did you write more fic than you thought you would this year, less, or about what you’d expected? More. I challenged myself to post a fic a month for 2019, so I had hoped to write 12 but hadn’t fully expected that I would. I’m very pleased with myself for having met that goal (even if I didn’t technically meet it bc I didn’t post fic in September, but I’m going to call 18 fics a win anyway).

What’s your own favorite story of the year? I’ve answered other fic memes during the year about my favorite and though I’ve written more fics since then I still think my favorite is A Man About to Fly (Lewis, James/Robbie, gen). It’s just got the most perfect atmosphere of delicate longing that feels so right to me in a way I can’t quite describe. I also think it’s the fic of mine that I’ve reread the most this year.

Did you take any writing risks this year? I would call it a risk, more of a stretch or a challenge to myself, but I wrote in two new fandoms, Shetland (No Holiday, Jimmy/Duncan, mature) and Victoria (Delayed Gratification, Palmerstons, mature). I hadn’t planned to write for either fandom but the ideas for those two stories just grabbed me and then I needed them to exist and so had no choice but to write them.

Also, writing Morris Dancers (Lewis, James/Robbie, teen) in @bryndeavour‘s Night Vale AU universe was a fun challenge with the radio format, getting the Night Vale tone right, and making it fit with the fic she’d already written.

Do you have any fanfic or profic goals for the new year? Now that I’ve proven to myself that I can write a lot of things in one year I want to write something long again. I have two casefics I’ve been poking at off and on for a while now. One in my Lewis wingfic universe and one that follows on from my other Lewis post-s9 fics. I think the wingfic one will end up happening first, even though I’ve had the idea for the other one for something like three years, mostly just because I’ve been having a lot of fun brainstorming casefic and wingfic universe ideas with @bryndeavour.

I also have two more parts to my Shetland fic planned and a couple of WIPs I’d like to finish. And, I just started three new prompt fics (one in a fandom I haven’t written in before). I’d like to finish and post them in the next week or so just to prove I can still write short quick things and also hopefully write something for the other prompts I got.

Most popular story of the year? By kudos, Misuse of Police Resources (Lewis, James/Robbie, explicit); by comments, Over the Edge (Lewis, James/Robbie, mature). Though Over the Edge will surpass Misuse in kudos at some point because it’s much more recent and has almost as many kudos.

Story of mine most under-appreciated by the universe, in my opinion: Delayed Gratification (Victoria, Lady Palmerston/Lord Palmerston) and No Holiday (Shetland, Jimmy/Duncan). This is no surprise at all though because Delayed Gratification is an obscure pairing in a not terribly large fandom and Shetland fandom is very tiny. So they have the least kudos but I think they have been properly appreciated in the small spaces in which they exist. I think I would also add Overture (Lewis, James/Robbie/Laura, explicit) to this list, but again, it being explicit threesome fic I’m not super surprised it doesn’t have a ton of comments or kudos bc not everyone is into that.

Most fun story to write: Winter Wonderland (Lewis, James/Robbie, explicit) and Misuse of Police Resources (Lewis, James/Robbie, explicit). Both of these grew from convos in discord chat and I think that’s part of where the fun in writing came from, snickering to my self about how people were likely to react to certain lines and feeling very clever with my use of cliches.

Most unintentionally telling story: Evening the Odds (Lewis, James/Robbie, gen). My husband is older than me (though not as much of an age difference as Robbie and James) and I do have thoughts similar to James’ in this fic from time to time.

Biggest disappointment: Not posting a fic in September. Which I know is ridiculous bc I posted so much fic but I still think about it and am annoyed with myself.

Biggest surprise: That I met and exceeded my fic a month goal and that I wrote in new fandoms. I must say I’m pretty damn proud of myself for having written so much.

I’m not doing the tagging thing bc I’m just not but if you wrote things in 2019 and haven’t done one of these I think you should. :)

Full list of everything I wrote in 2019 in chronological order blow.

More than all the rest of the world - Lewis (TV) (235 words) James/Robbie - teen - Fluff, Established Relationship “I love you,” James says, pressing a kiss to Robbie’s navel.

Takes one to know one - Lewis (TV) (570 words) James/Robbie - general audiences - Established Relationship, Angst with a Happy Ending It was a stupid fight, it’s never anything but a stupid fight; the job getting to them and them taking it out on each other. Or the job getting to James and James taking it out on Robbie.

Now at the end of the day - Endeavour (TV) (389 words) Max/Morse - general audiences - Love Confessions When Morse walks into the morgue, Max is at the worktop under the windows performing his usual tidying up rituals.

His only remaining vice - Lewis (TV) (311 words) James/Robbie - general audiences - Established Relationship It is a Saturday, they don’t have a case and are down at the bottom of the rota; the day is miraculously their own. Yet they have ventured out into the bitter cold all same because James needs coffee and what they’ve got in the flat won’t do.

A Man About To Fly - Lewis (TV) (2524 words) James/Robbie - general audiences - Episode: s07e05-06 Intelligent Design parts 1-2, Angst with a hopeful ending James looks away from Lewis’ smile and takes another sip of his pint, but it’s not Lewis now, it’s Robbie. Robbie’s smile. To say the name aloud, to have Robbie smile at him like that when he does, is a gift. A gift James has received just in time for it to no longer be useful.

Evening the Odds - Lewis (TV) (605 words) James/Robbie  - general audiences - Established Relationship, Angst, Discussion of Mortality James is beautiful, a silhouette in the dark, light from the street lamp catching his hair in an almost halo and turning the smoke bright as it drifts above the garden wall; but the beauty of the moment doesn’t outweigh Robbie’s hope that the next time James tries to give up smoking it will stick.

Misuse of Police Resources - Lewis (TV) (4275 words) James/Robbie, Laura Hobson - explicit - Light Bondage, Masturbation He should have gone with rope, then he’d be able to untie himself, but he couldn’t quite maintain the fantasy of Lewis tying him up in intricate knots, except for how he’s always doing it unintentionally. James thumps his head back against the mattress in defeat. He’s not getting out of this on his own, he’s going to have to ring someone, and there are very few someones in his life.

Delayed Gratification - Victoria (TV) (1723 words) Lord Palmerston/Lady Palmerston - mature - Missing Scene, Episode 3x05 A Show of Unity Emily steps back, breaking the kiss, and Henry leans toward her making a low hum of protest. She takes his hand and leads him to her dressing room; their dressing room now that he has returned, as is their tradition. When they are together here in the castle away from parliamentary time pressure, they dress and undress each other.

Enkindled Spring - Lewis (TV) (4170 words) James/Robbie - teen - Established Relationship, Magical Realism, Wingfic, Alternate Universe, Fluff A large bird with a tail similar to a swallow is soaring overhead, James’ gaze hasn’t left it since he finished his sandwich. I wonder if he’s remembering how it feels to soar through the air, the sun warming his back and wings. It’s a sight I’d very much like to see.

Morris Dancers - Dreaming Spires Radio - Lewis (TV) (2872 words) James/Robbie - teen - Nightvale AU, Alternate Universe, Supernatural Elements Trees are in full bloom all across our fair city, filling the streets with the scent of their perfume and the edges of our peripheral vision with those familiar swirling shadows that can’t quite be seen no matter how fast you turn your head. Do not fear the shadows, they mean you no harm. Unless you have personally offended their families. This is Dreaming Spires Radio and I am, as always, your host, James Hathaway.

Overture - Lewis (TV) (5947 words) James/Laura/Robbie - explicit - Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Oral Sex, Anal Sex, Threesome The way they keep looking at him and at each other is enough to make a bloke think things that can’t possibly be true. If pressed Robbie would have to admit that the thought has crossed his mind; him and Laura, him and James, the three of them together, but it’s only ever been a thought, wank fodder, never a real possibility.

Aftermath - Lewis (TV) (1407 words) James/Robbie - teen - Angst with a Happy Ending, Love Confessions Robbie wakes to a steady beeping in a bed that’s not his own. He feels like he’s been hit by a lorry. Wait. He was. Or near enough, if it weren’t for James. James.

A storm that blackens the quiet sea - Lewis (TV) (727 words) James/Robbie - teen - Established Relationship, case-related angst James takes a long drag and leans against the wall, turning his face to the grey winter sky. It will be dark soon, they’ve been in court all day, yet it’s come to nothing. Less than nothing. He can’t keep letting cases get to him like this.

Even the weeds are green and flowering - Lewis (TV), Inspector Morse (TV), Endeavour (TV)) (2057 words) James/Robbie, Max/Morse - general audiences - Gardens & Gardening, Fluff, Established Relationship, Reminiscence Watching James at his careful work—snipping off a branch or two, stepping back to consider the bush as a whole, snipping another branch—brings to mind another garden, much better kept than Robbie’s poor neglected allotment. A garden with roses that weren’t altogether dissimilar to these.

No Holiday - Shetland (TV) (1539 words) Jimmy/Duncan - mature - Extended Scene, Episode: s05e05, Angst Duncan raises the bottle to Jimmy’s retreating back, looks up at the Merrie Dancers, and takes a hearty swig. There’s not quite enough whisky left to completely dull the echo of Jimmy’s words in his head, but he’ll give it a go.

In the forests of the night Lewis (TV) (6846 words) James/Robbie - teen - Magical Realism, Alternate Universe, Shapeshifters, Love Confessions “I’m fine, lad. You’re the one who’s in danger.” “From what?” James swings his arms out wide to encompass the empty moor in all directions. “We’re trained police officers and there’s no one else here.” “From me,” Robbie says. Whether or not there are other dangers out on the moor, the danger Robbie poses is worse. If James doesn’t get going soon there’s nothing Robbie’s going to be able to do to protect him.

Over the Edge - Lewis (TV) (11809 words) James/Robbie - mature - Hurt/Comfort, Pining, Angst with a Happy Ending, Sharing a Bed, First Kiss Ignoring it then. James can do that. He can sit here while Lewis helps him on with the sling and not lean into his touch. He can get into bed once the sling is fastened and close his eyes and pretend the reason he’s breathing a bit heavier than normal is down to exhaustion and pain. It’s not untrue, even if it’s not the whole truth. He can accept the water and painkillers Lewis brings him, and not read anything into it when Lewis smooths the duvet over his chest and tells him to get some sleep. He can do that. He can close his eyes even though it’s not even properly dark yet and not think about the pain in his shoulder or the pain in his head or the pain of longing for Lewis to touch him and mean it. He can try to sleep.

Winter Wonderland - Lewis (TV)) (5530 words) James/Robbie - explicit - Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Romantic Cliches, Oral Sex, Fingerfucking, Only One Bed, but they never make it to the bed The radio has been going on about the unprecedented snowfall for the past two very slow hours of driving; two hours which would have been one without the snow. Astounding snowfall rates, the announcer keeps saying. What’s astounding is that they’ve made it here at all with how bad the roads are. What’s astounding is that Robbie has invited James on holiday. Not Laura, or Lyn, or anyone else, but James who he ought to have had enough of all day every day at work.

[robronsecretsanta]

Fanfic: the past is the past and it’s here to stay

(canon compliant until present, and then it’s all my doing. 10k. tw: discussions of memory loss.)

In which the year 2020 rolls around, and new technology allows Robert to enter his own memories and see his mum again.

Or- the one where Aaron has to save Robert from his dumbass ending up in a Black Mirror episode.

Written for @robronsecretsanta 2017, to the wonderful @iwillsendapostcard who makes this fandom a better place every day, and someone I’m so lucky to call a friend. I hope you have a wonderful day lovely xxxxxxx

It all started in the most inappropriate place. Something that ends up changing your life shouldn’t have started in a stuffy portacabin, with someone like Jimmy bringing it into existence.

“What do you fancy for tea, then?” Aaron said, sitting himself down on Robert’s desk and putting his hand on Robert’s thigh to alert him. “Could make one of them M&S Christmas thingys Liv picked up.”

“Yeah,” Robert said, smiling easily, the way that he always did these days, nearly three years of marriage making them good with each other, good for each other. “We could- oi, Jimmy, could you turn that down maybe? Not everyone’s as deaf as ya.” Jimmy’s recent foray into the world of video news on his iPhone had been personally occurring just to fuck over Robert’s life, he imagined. Especially since Jimmy apparently hadn’t heard of the existence of headphones.

“Oi,” Gerry opened the door to the portacabin, sticking his head in, cheeks red from the cold, pointing in the direction of Aaron. “Get back out here will ya? As big as me muscles are I don’t reckon I can lift this car all on me lonesome.” Aaron rolled his eyes and gave robert a quick kiss on the cheek before leaving. Robert felt warmth spread to his chest, the way he couldn’t ever stop it from doing these days, every time he saw how easily Aaron would show him affection even front of idiots like Jimmy King.

“Look at this though, seriously,” Jimmy bounded over to him, shoving his phone in his face. “Mind- oh hang on, gotta go back to the beginning-“

“Get that out of my face, Jimmy,” Robert said rolling his eyes, but before he could properly shove Jimmy off the video began, and Robert was staring at a well-dressed newswoman on the BBC, holding a microphone and standing in front of an incredibly and strikingly white building.

“The so-called MemoryTech has already been implemented in police stations in the capital, and is soon to be rolled out throughout the country. However it’s here, in Leeds, where the first private use is taking on experimental trials for private use. Dr Emily Park, a psychiatrist, had this to say.” The camera cut to a well-dressed woman, standing in front of a large, corporate-looking building.

“The way we saw it was that there was an easy and clear parallel to accessing memories for the purposes of eyewitness statements to helping our patients with grief. In a controlled environment, we have been able to allow adults who lost their parents while they were very young to access memories of them, to young widows and mothers- it isn’t a solution, but it has been shown to have very beneficial effects for allowing the patients to move on in a constructive way. Think about the ability to say the thing you never got to. This is that chance.”

“Of course, it’s worth noting the high price tag- nearly 30 thousand pounds for a 30 minute session- although of course the time manipulations could make it seem as if months are passing-“

“2020, year of the future, eh?” Jimmy grabbed the phone from where it had been in front of Robert’s face. “Not for me, getting involved with that tech stuff.”

“Well, of course, probably nothing you’d want to relive anyway, eh Jimmy?” Robert said, flicking through some papers.

“Some nights with Nicola,” Jimmy said, ambling back to his desk. “I wouldn’t mind havin a’ peek at those an all. Probably the same for you and your Aaron,”

Robert was preparing a witty response in his head, trying to decide which best avenue would be the most suited for reminding Jimmy that there was nothing he wanted less to hear about than Jimmy and Nicola’s disgusting and prolific sex life- when he was stopped by an incoming text message from Victoria.

‘Thinking of mum today- Diane found this photo of you and her. xxxx’

Attached was a photo of Robert from when he had probably been about 4. They were standing in front of an ice rink, Sarah holding him up with a huge smile on her face. A big red scarf wrapped around her neck that 4 year old Robert was grabbing with one of his hands. Robert felt the usual rush of warmth he did whenever he saw a photo of her, as he desperately tried to recall any memory of that day.

There wasn’t any.

He excused himself, typed in some search terms into his phone’s browser, before clicking the number and calling the company in Leeds.

—-

“I just don’t-“ Aaron rubbed his hands over his eyes, later that day. Robert had burst in, talking to him quickly as he threw his stuff together, about Sarah, and an institute, and a quick last minute cancellation appointment. “It’s a bit weird, y’know? I mean, how do they access the memories?”

“It’s just a small procedure, it’s like- a smart phone, but a small one, like a chip, right?” Robert said, taking his phone back from Aaron. “or smart technology, and then they surgically implant it and it’s able to travel to your head, and then it’s able to access the memories from there, and-“

“They can just fuck with your head, yeah,” Aaron said, folding his arms. Years of marriage had made them both realise when something was going to be A Fight, their stupid dedication to open and honest communication making their big fights much less frequent but still easy to demarcate. “Which you decided to tell me about an hour before you’re heading off to Leeds for it? And 30 grand for 30 minutes?”

“It’s not like we can’t afford it,” Robert got up and continued his haphazard search for his scarf, “Look, I- I would’ve told you earlier, okay, but I only found out about it this morning- well, you heard Jimmy same time I did- and I didn’t think they could fit me in for months because of the waiting times but there was a cancellation and-“

“On the kitchen table with your keys.”

“Cheers,” Robert moved over and picked it up and started shoving on his coat. Aaron felt himself get lost in it, the way he still did after all this time- the long black winter Burberry coat suiting him so well that it made Aaron’s heart ache to think that he was leaving, even for a few hours. The way he always did, these days. “I have to go to the bank first, I need to leave here soon if I’m gonna make it to Leeds with enough time, especially if there’s traffic-“

“Rob I just- hang on a minute,” and with one move Aaron’s hands were on Rob’s shoulders, stopping him from moving back towards the sitting room. “Can we just talk about this a little more, I mean, we don’t know anything about this stuff, really-“

“I know it’s a chance to see my mum again, Aaron,” Robert said, fixing his eyes on him. “Don’t you get that? If I don’t go today, it could be years. The waiting list is that long. Wouldn’t ya pay anything to see Jackson again-“

“Don’t mention him like that,” Aaron said, hurt coming to his face, and there it was- an absolute fight. “And, y’know what? No, I wouldn’t. Because some things are better left in the past, they aren’t worth-“

“If it’s the money, I can pull out from one of my old investments-“

“You know it’s not the money, I don’t care bout the money, I care about you and I’m worried about ya, we should talk about this-“

“It’s my mum,” Robert finally said raising his voice, something he hated doing. “Do you get that, Aaron? I don’t remember something that happened when we were young and soon I won’t remember anything- she’ll keep- she’ll keep fading, the one person who loved me unconditionally until you, the one person-“

“Robert, please can we just-“

“I have to go,” Robert threw his bag over his shoulder and walked towards the door of the Mill. “I’m sorry. I have to go.”

—

“Mr Sugden?” Robert looked up to see a well-dressed woman in a cream coloured suit smiling at him and quickly stood up, putting his phone in his pocket. “My name is Dr Morgan Rodgers- call me Morgan- I’ll be taking you through the procedure.”

“Hiya,” he responded, shaking her hand.

“If you just follow me, please,” she motioned towards him to follow her through a long white, long corridor. After about a minute, he watched her enter in a key code and open two large doors bearing the warning DO NOT ENTER UNLESS ACCESS IS GRANTED.

“This is where you’ll be set up,” she said, and Robert took a moment to be truly and utterly shocked at what he was seeing- a spacious room with a gorgeous view of the countryside, a leather reclinable-looking practically identical to the one in Robert and Aaron’s own living room. The only thing abnormal was the presence of two, well-dressed men wearing suits, standing conspicuously over a third man, much younger and dressed casually. He was sitting in a chair surrounded by three large, sleek computer desktops and what appeared to be a heart rate monitor.

“You can have a seat over here,” Morgan pointed towards the leather chair. Robert obliged, eyeing the- tech guy? In front of him pointedly. “Oh, right. This is- Dr Murphy. He runs through the technology at first, to make sure it’s all sound.” She looked at all of them pointedly. “I think that’s enough, thanks,” she motioned until all three were filing out of the room. “Shall we begin?” She sat Robert down.

“We can just, do it here?”

“Modern medicine, eh?” She said with a smile. “No operating table. Try to lean back, be as relaxed as you can. This will only take a minute.” She unrolled his sleeve and pushed it up, beginning the process of hooking him up to an IV. Robert closed his eyes.

He awoke to a room that was completely empty. Calling it a ‘room’ seemed incorrect as well- vast, empty space, no walls, just a monitor in the centre. Robert was entirely himself- nothing hooked up to him- and was still wearing the blue patterned shirt and jacket that he had been wearing when he had been sedated. He fiddled with his wedding ring, feeling it ground him as a wave of anxiety threatened to pull him under.

“And we are… all set up,” Morgan said. “You have paid for one memory, which you can choose here-“ she pressed a few buttons and suddenly there were memories filling the void, silent videos running side by side. He saw flashes of his mum, Jack, Andy, Victoria- and then more recent ones. He felt himself focus in on one of Aaron smiling, smiling into a kiss with him on their wedding. “If you like more, you can always press this button,” she gestured to a bright yellow pound sign at the corner of the screen, “and top up. Just a signature, same rates of payment.”

“Do you- lead me through it?” Robert asked. Coming closer to stare more properly at the memories.

“No, we don’t feel that’s appropriate for privacy reasons,” Morgan said. “These are your memories. Now,” she smiled at him warmly. “Where would you like to begin?”

—

Robert’s phone went straight to voicemail.

It had been two hours, and Aaron had cooled off. He had timed how long it would take Robert to get to Leeds, be there for an hour and get home, and then factored in time for him to go have a drink and be upset, before starting to worry.

Robert didn’t switch off his phone.

—

He’d picked the ice skating, of course. Morgan had disappeared as soon as he had selected it, so it was just him- the whiteness of the void instantly changing to his childhood kitchen. He saw himself- 4 years old- sitting at the breakfast table with Sarah. He was talking to her about something, babbling in the way that little kids do, but in a way that Robert had never remembered doing.

And it was her, her alive, no sign of Jack, probably out early, and she was alive, and okay, and Robert felt like he couldn’t breathe. “Mum?” he said tepidly, looking for a reaction. “Mum?” He went closer to the table and began to get louder. “Mum, it’s Robert, look at me-” (’non-interference,’ he remembered the administrative assistant saying on the phone. ‘No way of talking to them. Just watching. Think of it as a baby monitor.”)

“No,” he said. “No, no no, I don’t want to do this, I can’t talk to her, I need to talk to her, please get me out, please-“

“Robert?” And a voice was suddenly behind him. Her voice.

The Sarah and Robert of the past still playing in front of him, her lifting Robert into her lap to read him a story. Who was behind him was her. Sarah.

“Mum,” and he ran and hugged her with everything he had.

“It’s okay,” she said, soothing him with a rub to his back. “It’s okay, I’m here.”

—

He managed to calm down after an hour, Sarah explaining to him that she was real, but she wasn’t- she was memories forming an image of her, talking like her without being back from the dead. A gift from Morgan, someone to help him through it. Robert had struggled at first, wanting to know everything about her life, being met with a gentle reminder that the MemoryTech was for him, not for her.

She’d managed to finally ply him, though, when the memory shifted to the rink and they had been able to watch the skating.  

Are you feeling alright, Robert?” Sarah asked, year old self be dragged around by a laughing Sarah.

“Just thinking, I suppose,” he was holding a hot chocolate, and could smell the hint of salted caramel that the barista from the local coffee shop had added into it- a fancy one, built for beleaguered parents aiming to take a break from their kids. “Thinkin’ that the rink will be closing soon. But- it’s my mind, right? I could have it where it doesn’t close, where mum and me get to skate all day again?”

“The rink closes because it’s a memory,” Sarah said gently. “And look-“ she pointed towards Robert and her counterpart, busily zipping up his coat. “It’s time for you to go home to supper.”

“Home to shouting and crying, more like,” he threw his empty cup in the nearby bin. “I’d rather just spend time with you, even though you’re- not you.” He’d not been able to stomach asking how it was true, how she could be there when she was also in memory, how this Sarah looked and sounded and acted like his mum but couldn’t be her, really- just recycled memories forming her exact persona. Robert hated that it still felt like more than he’d had in ages, that he strangely didn’t have a feeling it wasn’t enough.

“There are many more memories we can go to,” Sarah said, again kind, painfully kind. “But I’m afraid that’s time.” She waved a hand and soon it was just her and him back in a completely empty, white room next to what appeared to be a large desk- filled with touch screen buttons. “What’s lucky is that was only 30 minutes, outside,” she went over to the desk and began fiddling with it. “You can get home for supper. Unless, of course, you wanted to top up your time, and show me some more?”

“Aaron will be worried,” Robert said, looking at the flashing pound sign on the board.

“You’ve still not told me much about him,” Sarah said, walking away from the monitor. “I’m sorry I could never meet my son-in-law. I would give anything to see him now, to see how happy he makes you.” She began fiddling with the controls, until Robert was met with large visions the way he had earlier- but instead of him and Sarah, and Victoria, and Andy, they were all of him and Aaron. Their first wedding, their second wedding. Proposing to him by his bedside. Hugging him in the pub so many years ago. Slow dancing at Sam and Lydia’s wedding.

“Do you want to show me any of these?” Sarah said, pulling up the auto-topup options with its distinct cash register sound. Before he could really think Robert was pressing the button, signing, and then diving as fast as he could into the memory of proposing to Aaron by his bedside.

—

It was when he got the text that Aaron began to really worry. He went and saw Victoria and Diane.

“So you’ve not seen him either?” Aaron tried to quell the panic in his voice as he began twisting the sleeve of his jumper. All the way there he had clung on to the hope that Robert had contacted them, hoping that he had gone to stay with one of them, needing some space but being alright, being alive.

“Well, right, hang on, how long are you sayin’ he’s been missing for?” Victoria began to look alarmed, putting her basket of shopping down near the tills. “Have you had a fight or summat?”

“No, well- yeah, but that’s not the point, look, he went to do this weird memory thing, which he said was in Leeds, and then I got some texts from him, and- look,” he handed the phone to Victoria.

“I can’t make you understand this. I need some time to myself,” Victoria read out. “Second message- ‘you’d do anything to see your Jackson again.’”

“What’s he talkin’ about?” Diane asked, and Aaron hated it, hated the rising panic in her voice, hated that Robert had put it there, just like he’d done to him.

“Okay, so you’re saying- Robert’s gone to do some memory- thing- that allows him to see mum,” Victoria said slowly. “And he’s not come back, but he’s been textin’ you? So he’s okay. Look, you know how he gets.”

“He’s always been impulsive,” Diane added, adopting a defiantly measured tone. “And he loved her so much, pet. It’s probably just a lot to take in, he’s probably holed up in a hotel room somewhere, brooding.”

“It’s not him,” Aaron said. “I can tell. Someone’s got his phone.”  

“Aaron,” Victoria said meeting him with one of her warning tones of voice that Aaron had come accustomed to from his sister-in-law. “Look. I know you’re worried, and you’d rather him be home with you than out in some lab in Leeds, but he’s safe, right? He says so here. And I just saw him today! He’s only been gone what, a few hours?”

“It’s not him,” Aaron started again. “I know it isn’t, Vic.”

“Aaron, how would they know about this? You think he’s been, what, kidnapped?”

“I know you’re worried, Aaron love, and I don’t know anything about this but I know Robert, and Robert never got over Sarah, it’s understandable he needs some time,” Diane jumped in, placing a reassuring hand on Aaron’s arm.

“He’s impulsive, Aaron, It’s what he’s like,” Victoria said, handing him back his phone.

“Used to be what he’s like,” Aaron said after a pause. “Maybe you don’t see that- yeah, okay, he ran away, and he used to run at the first sign of danger, but he’d never do this, he wouldn’t just leave and send me somethin’ like this, he wouldn’t leave me like this,” and Aaron felt tears come in that he was unable to stop, fuck it- “I know him, and he wouldn’t. And the way he talks? The way he’s talked here? That’s not Robert. It’s tryin to be him, yeah, and it might be doin’ an alright job, but it’s not him. So someone’s bein’ him, and fine, it’s been a few hours, but it’s him.” He ran an exasperated hand through his hair. “And I dunno where the fuck in Leeds he is, but I’m not spendin’ anymore time without him, so- whatever, you can come, you can’t come, but I’m bringin’ him home, so.” He turned and walked out but then felt two hands on each of his shoulders pulling him back.

“You’re not goin’ on a rescue mission without us,” Diane said with a small smile. “Even if Robert is just sittin’ and moping in a hotel room.”

“We take my van,” Victoria added. “Leave in an hour.”

“Why an hour?”

“Because if you’re gonna be breakin’ into a multimillion pound tech company, Aaron, we’re gonna need to get some of yer family with us, won’t we?”

—

“My son, married to a Dingle,” Sarah said, smiling at the memory- Aaron and Robert in the garage, exchanging vows. “I never thought that would happen.”

“He changed everything,” Robert said. “Aaron did. It was- complicated. I don’t want you to see the person I was,” he added. “During a lot of it. But we got there.”

“He seems wonderful,” Sarah said, looking towards Aaron, who was in the middle of saying his vows. “Kind.”

“He is,” Robert said. “He changed everything for me. Made-“ Robert shrugged. “I dunno, I guess- for awhile it didn’t seem like I couldn’t ever be happy, and then I was with him, and it made me feel like everythin’ made sense- I mean, you’ll see next-“ but before he could say it, they were back, in the white void, the void he had gotten too familiar with.”I really thought the wedding would be included in this one,” he said looking desperately towards the video clip of Aaron and him slow dancing at their wedding.

“I’d like to see more,” Sarah said. “Can you show me more?”

—

Cain, Moira and Belle in the end were the ones who joined, along with Vic and Diane.

He had to talk Cain out of bringing a variety of offensive and menacing weapons and limited him have a gun and a baseball bat only.

It was nice, in a way, to see his uncle willing to inflict grievous bodily harm for Robert.

(His wife willing to as well.)

They got to the warehouse, broke in easily, and saw a woman wandering around, monitoring what were hundreds of people in reclinable chairs, hooked up to IVs and computers.

“What the-“ the woman said, as they advanced upon her. Aaron broke into a run when it became clear who she was next to, who’s IV she was monitoring.

Robert’s.

She reached for her phone quickly, pressing an alarm button.

Cain and Moira reacted first, grabbing the woman and restraining her to the chair, Moira crushing the phone with her foot. Aaron ran to Robert.

“You, explain, now,” Moira glared menacingly down at the woman- Morgan- as she struggled under her restraints.

“You- you have this all wrong, y’know,” she said grappling. “I can’t control this.”

“You’re gonna get him out of that thing right now or I swear to god,” Victoria came over, and was inexplicably holding a stapler. “I swear to god, you’re going to bring my brother back, you absolute psycho-“

“He will come back, they always come back,” Morgan said, breathing quickly, fear coming over her at the sight of the gun trained on her. “I swear.”

“Oh yeah, all this lot here, back and happy with their families, huh, are they?” Cain pointed at the hundreds of men and women lying in their reclinable chairs around them.

“A couple hundred,” Morgan breathed tensely, “Out of hundreds of thousands that we have in this trial, all over the country, are still here. Most see their loved ones, remember something forgotten, and then decide to leave. And we let them go! What’s the point you’re trying to prove? And they will come back. But we can’t make them come back.”

“Right, you lot just gave them a way that they would never want to leave, is that right?” Diane jumped in, staring with utter menace in her eyes.

“And that’s not wrong, is it? For people to get stuck in their memories, paying thousands of pounds to stay here while you profit?” Belle jumped in. “I read about that.”

“If an old millionaire wants to stay stuck in the past before he ruined his life, we give them that opportunity,” Morgan said.

“Oh, don’t pretend you’re a hero of the people lady,” Belle said. “Look at them. Your rich investors are the ones profiting and that woman, do ya seriously think she’s got a load of cash?” She gestured towards a woman nearby. “How could she even pay?”

“Or what is it you’re doin’ to make it worth your while,” Cain said, approaching Morgan with the air of a newly released tiger. “I think that’s the question I want to know the answer to.”

“Cain,” Moira said warningly, from where she standing near Aaron, who was still looking at Robert’s face with an air of complete brokenness.

“He’s not waking up,” Aaron said, running his thumb in circles over Robert’s hand. “He’s- Robert’s not waking up.”

“So you’re gonna figure out a way to make him wake up,” Cain said menacingly.

“If you’d all stop threatening me and listen for a second, you’d understand that I can’t,” she said, glaring up at Cain. “Don’t you get it? It’s autonomous. I enter in the information, I set it up, I talk them through it, but then the cookie that’s in there is a simulation of me who runs everything. I’ve got nothing to do with it.”

“A simulation-“Aaron got up and walked towards her finally. “What’d ya mean by that?”

“It’s a chip out of my brain containing my consciousness,” Morgan said with a tone of annoyance that Aaron felt was frankly entitled. “A piece of it. And it runs all of them. Not just his, all of them. It’s so I don’t have to be in all the simulations at once, or spend what feels like years running some sad sack through his daughter’s wedding again and again-“

“Oh, it’s a bit rough for you is it?” Aaron’s voice got louder. “Well that’s great, cause you had no problem trapping my husband in there with you, gettin’ him to spend however much money, what, what do you just build a friendship, yeah? Make him feel all good and like he can trust you?”

A flicker of a micro expression hit Morgan’s face, as she attempted to cover it up. “No-“

“What is it you’re not telling me?” Aaron said. “I won’t ask you again,” he said looking over at Cain.

“It wouldn’t work if it was just me,” she finally said. “We can- change what we look like, in the memory space. He thinks-“ she sighed and then regarded him warily. “He thinks he’s with his mother.”

All hell broke loose.

Aaron heard shouting. It was all he could hear as he felt himself sink back. Moira, by far the calmest so far, had come over and slapped her across the face.The sounds of Diane and Victoria shouting drowned out the defences that he could hear Morgan trying to proclaim. He felt himself stumble back and his body moved, without thinking, to where Robert was. The need to be near him, the need to hold him tight and make it all feel better seemed primal in how quick and all-encompassing it was. He felt himself move Robert slightly to his right, muscle memory from nights of Robert star-fishing across their bed, and curled up next to him.

“Hey,” he said quietly, having no sense of self-consciousness despite how many people were in the room, even if they were currently too distracted to notice. “Rob, hey, it’s me.” He looked over his face, completely still. Aaron hated it. He spoke the final word like a prayer, as he figured out what he needed to do.

“I’m gonna get you out, okay?”

—

Sarah leaned back on the bar, where the remnants of the second wedding still remained- petals thrown over Robert and Aaron that had landed there, spilled champagne. “I can’t believe you fulfilled the Dingle welly tradition, twice,” she said with a laugh. And then, more sincerely- “Thank you for showing me that.”

Robert was also leaned on the bar, staring at the people milling about and heading home. He hoped Sarah wouldn’t ask where he and Aaron had gone off, or worse ask to see- he remembered the desperate kissing on their bed in the hotel, both of them taking off each other’s suits and discarding them and the feel of Aaron beneath him until they were both too tired to even think about going back to their own wedding. They’d only managed after napping, showing up in disheveled suits that left nothing to the imagination in terms of what they had been doing.

“I wish you’d been there,”

“Can I see this one?” Sarah asked, looking at him and fiddling with the buttons as the familiar white room began appearing behind them, the auto-top up screen appearing behind them. The memories appeared up and he saw what was nearly ready to autoplay, him and Aaron in the pub, saying goodbye. The day after their first wedding.”When was this?”

“It’s- painful,” he said finally. “I can- I can show you another,” he said, remembering the trip to Wales with Liv and Aaron, their first proper trip as a family. “I can show you something better.”

He pressed the button.

—

“You can’t go in there, Aaron,” Cain said staring at him with menace. “Don’t even think about it.”

“You can do it, can’t ya,” Aaron turned to Morgan with madness in his eyes. “You can use your- whatever technology, and put me in there.”

“Aaron,” Cain said warningly.

“We don’t-“ Morgan looked from Aaron to the others, seemingly choosing her words carefully. “I have no idea where they are. I told you. I don’t control this. The version of me that’s in there accesses the memories. When the patient wants to leave- which most of them do after a bit, the cookie version of me shuts down the programme and brings them back. And we-“ She looked towards the floor and then back to Aaron, “we move them here, we only move them here when they’ve been gone longer than a few hours. When it’s been a few months in the simulation.”

“This just gets better and better,” Aaron said closing his eyes.

“I could put you in there, but there’s no way to guarantee you’d find him,” Morgan said harshly. “You’d get stuck there yourself. These aren’t your memories. The system isn’t built for this. We’ve never done it before.”

“That sounds like a few good reasons to sit back and think about this, Aaron,” Moira said, coming over to him.

“He will come back,” Victoria added, placing a hand on Aaron’s arm. “I know he will. He wouldn’t leave ya, Aaron. He couldn’t.”

“They’re-“ and tears were in his eyes, because fuck it, “They put him in with your mum, Vic, but it’s not your mum,” Aaron used one of his sleeves to wipe his eyes. “It’s not your mum, and he’s alone, and I promised him I’d never let him be alone again.” Aaron didn’t care about how it sounded, the rising panic he felt in every part of his body outweighing any sense of self-consciousness over it, over bearing this much of himself and his relationship to half of their families. He took a deep breath, and then moving quickly so no one could react, crouched down beside Morgan and began untying her hands. “So you’re gonna- you’re gonna hook me up, or whatever, and put me in there and I’m bringin’ him home.”

Morgan began to stand up once her hands were untied which prompted Cain to hold the gun up. “Don’t you move a step,” he said, and looked at Aaron. “Mate, I can’t go back without ya. I’m not doin that to my sister.”

“Then don’t,” Aaron said by way of reply, and moved with Morgan towards the computer. “Look- keep the gun on her. Make sure she doesn’t do anythin’ weird. And make her fix it. Make her get us out.” He grabbed one of the empty lounge chairs nearby and pulled it so that it was next to Robert’s. “You all should know by now anyway I’m not takin’ no.”

Cain nodded swiftly. “Well, what’re you doin, then? Get over.”

“I would like to just once more say how idiotic this plan is,” Morgan said. “Just for the record.”

“Yeah, and I think you’ve probably lost all rights to tell us how to do anything, though,” Aaron said, meeting her with a hardened gaze. “Just do your fuckin’ job.”

Morgan looked at him for a minute, and then to the gun trained on her, and began to type into her computer.

“I’m dismantling the firewalls on the control panel in the MemorySpace,” Morgan said. “And the… payment options.” She added quickly, looking furtively at her screen. “I could take you through it myself-“

“And let ya figure out some sort of escape route while in there, I imagine?” Moira walked over and stood next to Cain. “We’re doin’ this for Aaron and then you’re gonna figure out a way to get every single person in this room out of it.”

“Well, that’s impossible,” Morgan said. “But okay.” Cain reacted quickly to hold back Moira, who looked ready to jump on her. “I need one of you to help,” Morgan continued. “I’ll do the IV, but it needs to be synchronised.”

“Whatever you need,” Victoria volunteered, walking over, giving Aaron a small smile before taking Morgan’s place at the computer. Morgan went over to Aaron, reaching in the small wooden cupboard that was sat beside Robert’s lifeless frame, pulling out separate syringe. He watched her sterilise it rudimentarily before she was running an antibacterial wipe over his right forearm, injecting him with something, and explaining something to Victoria. The last thing he noticed was the IV fluids connecting him to Robert.

—

Aaron woke up in a void.

He walked over to what appeared to be a desk with a control panel. He touched his hand to the screen and watched it brightly come to life, the words “Robert Sugden- A1948EG” in a bright white typeface at the bottom of the screen. Aaron saw flashes of memories to choose from, and couldn’t help himself from smiling fondly to see himself present so vividly- both of their weddings, their first kiss, robert sliding the ring on his finger in a hospital bed. Then Sarah- her holding him up in the air. Sarah holding all three kids in her lap. Sarah making tea and biscuits.

“Where are ya,” Aaron felt overwhelmed and then picked the one Robert had mentioned, Sarah and Robert ice skating, from the look of it, and saw the room quickly change into a festive winter scene, an ice rink in walking distance away. He began to call Robert’s name.

—

It all started to go wrong like this.

Robert was picking a new memory, Sarah smiling fondly next to him as he debated between an old Christmas with all the Sugdens and a newer Christmas with Aaron when, before he could decide, the screen disappeared and all Robert saw was greenery.

“What-“ Robert began to walk, Sarah closely behind him, to try to find out where they were. “I didn’t pick this one,” he said frowning, “Does that happen?”

“It’s probably just a glitch, love,” and Robert noticed the way the word didn’t seem to fit when said by her. Glitch. A universe where his mum grew old, lived long enough for words like that to become part of her vocabulary. “Shall we go and find out what this is?”

“I didn’t pay this much money for a memory I don’t know about,” Robert said, a flash of irritation present in his voice. Then, off Sarah’s slightly hurt expression, “I mean- I’m sorry, mum, I didn’t-“

Sarah smiled back at him. “Always quick to get upset, you. Should we just have a look? I can figure out a way to get us back afterwards and reset the system so you aren’t charged.”

“Right, okay,” Robert said, and began to walk. After about five minutes, they reached the undeniable sight of Robert’s car, the lodge, and-

“Oh, no,” Robert said, realisation dawning on him. “No, I know what this is, I don’t-“

“That’s murder.”

“Don’t call it that.”

“Are you feeling stressed out, Robert?” Sarah said, fixing him with a look of concern. “We have to go inside, you know how this works.”

“This isn’t what I want to see,” Robert felt panic rise up in his voice. “Mum, you have to-“

“I’m not going to be able to get us out until it resets after the memory is over, Robert, you know that,” she said again, gently, far too gently. “And we have to go inside.”

Robert numbly felt himself walk into the front door, into the room. He gripped Sarah’s hand.

A glass shattered, and Robert saw himself unravel two bathrobes and use the ties to tie Aaron’s legs and hands, a gag around his mouth.

“Robert,” Sarah whispered in shock, as they continued to watch it unfold.

“It wasn’t-“ and then he stopped, wanting it to end, knowing he was powerless against it. “I’m so sorry, mum, I never wanted you to have to see-” Him driving away. Him coming back. Pointing a gun. “I meant it, I love you.” Paddy shot. Aaron’s face. Aaron. Aaron. Aaron-

The white room came back, and Robert got up from where he had been crouched down, hands over his eyes, knees attempting to block out his ears.

“I need to go home,” he said, standing up. “I need Aaron. I need to see Aaron. I’m scared, I’m scared, I’m scared and I need to see Aaron-“

“One second,” Sarah was fiddling with the control panel. “There seems to be some sort of issue, love, just one second-“

“Issue,” he repeated, “what sort of issue,”

“It’s not letting me choose the memories, anymore,” she said, reluctantly turning towards him. “It’s shuffled them.”

“Well, I don’t- I don’t care about that, I just want to leave, who cares if they’re shuffled,” he said.

“It’s not letting us exit out,” Sarah said. “I don’t know- love, I’m so sorry, I think it’s timelocked, too many others are in the queue, we can’t get everyone offline at once because there needs to be someone on the outside to turn off the programme-“

“Right, but-“ he looked at her desperately. “Mum, you’ve gotta fix this,”

“It’s autoplaying,” she said with horror. “I’m sorry-“

His father. A farmhand, a desperate kiss. Violence.

Katie. Through the floorboards.

Aaron. Lying in a hospital bed with wounds in his arm. The nurse saying septicaemia.

Aaron drowning.

Kissing Rebecca.

Six weeks in Mauritius, guilt consuming his every being.

Aaron smashing the photo.

—

Aaron felt himself slide down sitting on the floor into the void near the control panel. He fought the urge to cry. He hadn’t spoken to another human being in what had felt like a week. He knew what solitary confinement looked like, knew it was always the easiest way to break someone down. Deprive someone of human contact long enough they’ll agree to anything, say anything to make it stop. But the raw all encompassing grief that fulfilled every millimetre of his body, the gnawing sensation that this was all wrong, the feeling of illness that was spreading through him- Aaron could identify that as nothing other than the complete and utter separation from his husband.

He’d tried everything, feeling horrific guilt at seeing something so personal of his husband’s, something not purposefully shared with him because of trust or desire but because of necessity, because of dark things like ‘kidnapping’ and ‘trauma.’

He’d tried everything, every positive memory he could see featuring Sarah. Ice skating, a day at the park, a trip to Leeds to see a film. Then a few of him and Liv- both of their weddings, both proposals.

“Robert,” he finally said, not knowing what he was saying or why he was. “I love ya. Please- please don’t leave me alone.” He twisted his wedding ring and tears came to his eyes, not sure of how he was going to take another week, month, year of memories to try to find Robert, but knowing that he would still do it, that he had nothing left, nothing without Robert, and then-

He got an idea.

—

“I thought it was only girls that cut themselves-“ “Mum,” Robert looked desperately towards Sarah, “Mum you- you don’t need to see this.” They were standing in the scrapyard, staring at Robert’s younger self spew hatred towards the love of his life.

How it was worse than Katie dying, how it felt worse, Robert wasn’t sure.

“I’m not here to judge you,” Sarah said, face placid. She put a comforting hand on his shoulder. “Maybe the next one will be better.” Robert fiddled with his wedding ring. “I hurt him.” “I know.” “I try not to think about things like that.” “You can’t control that here, love.” “I need to see him,” Robert said. “I need to-“ “You can’t interfere with the memory, Robert,” Sarah said for what must have been the thousandth time during the past few days, hitting a fever pitch when Robert had to watch Aaron taking off his ring and handing it to him, giving him a soft kiss on the cheek. “I don’t care, I don’t care, I can’t-“ and he was going over to them now, the versions of himself and Aaron, Aaron pushing him up against a car, telling him that he would never speak to him like that again. “Aaron,” Robert said, his dream counterpart leaving him alone in tears. “Aaron, please, I love you, I’m so sorry, I love you, please,” but Aaron moved, the Aaron of his memory, a broken man who was strong enough to still not have Robert’s words break him- “It’s going to cut off, you can’t see this, you don’t remember this, this isn’t your memory-“ Robert ignored Sarah’s words and threw his arms around the Aaron of his memory, triggering nothing but static-y shock and then Aaron was gone, and Robert was in his bedroom, but- “Robert,” a voice behind him. Aaron’s voice. His Aaron. “Aaron?” He said tentatively, staring at the man who had appeared aside from Sarah. “You can-“ he noticed the wedding ring, the clothes, the shirt that Aaron had been wearing that day, when they’d had a fight. Then before he could observe anything else Aaron’s entire body was on his, hugging the life out of him. “I’m so sorry,” Robert said, all of his words plying on a loop in his head from the fight, their fight, and then the ones from the scrapyard, still echoing from a few moments before. “I’m so sorry.” He clung onto the back of Aaron’s hoodie then, hooking his fingers underneath the hem to ground himself.

“Hey,” Aaron said, soft as ever. “Hey, you don’t have anythin’ to be sorry for. That’s why I’m here. But Rob, we-“ he reluctantly unhooked himself from the hug and kept holding onto the sides of Robert’s face, hoping that somehow it would anchor him, that they wouldn’t be stripped apart if he just held on- “I need to tell you something,” he looked to Sarah then, who had been standing with a look of growing horror on her face. “About her.”

“You’re not supposed to be here,” she said, crossing to him quickly. “How are you here?”

“Oh, see, ya messed that up, if ya want to play the role of the doting mother ya might want to actually, yknow, seem happy to meet your son-in-law,” Aaron said with venom in his voice.

“Aaron, love, this is dangerous,” Sarah said, taking a step. “I’m sorry. I’ve seen so much of you today it’s hard to remember I don’t actually know you. See, there’s been a problem, with a glitch in the system, and now that you’re here, I’m worried that’s evidence of another glitch-“

“She’s not your mum, Rob,” he said. “She’s Morgan. Doctor Morgan Rodgers. She’s the woman who put you under, but like- a cookie version, or whatever, that she has take you through all these memories, it’s her- it’s her consciousness, right, and she can look like your mum but she’s not your mum-“

“No,” Robert said, moving back so Aaron’s hands fell from his face. “No, Aaron, you don’t-“ he took a breath. “I know what you’re thinking, okay, and I know it isn’t her. It’s my memories of her, of the last time I saw her, and made through the computer programme to simulate how she would act and talk around me.  And the- they told me that the emotions she had for me, the things she felt, would show up, so it was like it was her, the closest it could get, it’s not actually her, no, but it has all of her memories, and it’s-“

“How could they do that?” Aaron walked back closer to him, trying to not be wounded as Robert seemed to look wary about being touched by him. “Rob, think about it, just for a second, yeah? How could they only show you memories in the past but alter this one thing, this only person? Why not your dad? Or Katie? Or-“

“Aaron,” Sarah said sternly. “You can see you’re upsetting him, and this isn’t the time. We’re both frightened by what’s happened, the best way for us to move forward is to keep trying-“

“She’s a bot, Rob, her entire purpose is to keep ya here, forever if she can, because people like you and hundreds of others they’ve done this to fund this entire goddamn thing, they get access to everything, they distract ya, you willingly hand it over and if ya don’t you’re just-“ he met Robert with a pained expression. “That’s all she is. She’s programmed. The real her gave her one purpose and that’s all she is, and she’s stuck here forever if she doesn’t fulfil it.”

“No,” Robert said. “Aaron, no, you don’t understand, it’s been months, I would’ve realised-“

“No ya wouldn’t have, not after what they’ve done!” He felt tears come into his eyes and he made a desperate grab for the lapels of Robert’s shirt. “Robert please-“

“Keep your hands off him,” Sarah said in a warning tone, advancing on them.

“I swore on my life that I would protect you,” Aaron said, moving his hands down to cup Robert’s. “I swore I wouldn’t leave ya. I swore I would never lie to ya. And I am telling you that this is the truth.”

Robert felt it before he could react. Firstly, within himself, the other shoe, looking in Aaron’s eyes and understanding. And then, back towards Sarah, a coldness overtaking the calm and pleasant demeanour that had always emanated from her.

“Love,” she said softly.

“Don’t-“ he moved back a pace. “Don’t come near me.” She continued advancing upon him. “Did they programme you for human decency?”

“I’m a real person,” Morgan said hotly, because suddenly she was back to being Morgan, the doctor from before. “I’m not a programme.”

“I spent months with you,” Robert said, and Aaron gripped his hand tightly. “I spent months feeling like I had my mum back, like I could say everything like I could show you Aaron, I shared Aaron with you, I shared everything!”

“This is very touching,” Morgan said. “Congratulations are in order, I suppose, for being the first to break in here, I’m sure you both will enjoy being stuck for eternity. Who knows when the programme will be switched off.”

“What do you mean by that?” Aaron asked, trying to calm Robert through rubbing circles on his hand with his thumb.

“I mean, I don’t know,” Morgan said. “Despite what you may think, I didn’t relish taking you through your worst memories. There’s something wrong, I can’t get us out. Someone out there will have to turn it off.”

“Well- Aaron looked to Robert, who met his eyes with a look of crushing defeat. “Well that-that’s fine, because they’re working on it, they’ve got to be close now, when I came in here they’d gotten you- I mean, you know, the real you- to try to- rewire the whole thing, and get him back, so-“

“And how long have you been here? Like, seriously Aaron, how long has it felt like? A day? A week?”

“A week, I- I guess, and I know they messed with the time- ways- so it’s less time out there-“

“You’ve been in here for maybe three minutes,” Morgan said. “He’s only been in here for a few hours.” She looked at Robert. “I don’t know why you’re looking surprised, you knew this. And you didn’t choose to leave when you could have left.”

“You think that’s his fault?” Aaron took a step towards her. “You pretended to be his mum! You used everythin’ you could to keep him here!”

“That’s what they told me to do, that’s all I can do, don’t you get it?” Morgan said, tears springing to her eyes, shocking Aaron and Robert. “I have all my thoughts and memories, but I’m a chip. My job is to take you through. I don’t get anything apart from this. I had my own life and now I have to do this and I’ve had to be alive for thousands of years doing this. I fought them, at first,” she said. Taking a deep breath. “Said I wouldn’t do it. Said I didn’t want to trap people. They left me in this room,” she finally waved her hand to allow them to stand in the white void again- “and let me experience a year’s worth of nothing. I’d have agreed to anything. I’m sorry,” she turned towards Robert. “I’m sorry I lied to you.”

“So what-“ and Robert finally spoke. “What do we do now?”

“Wait for them to switch it off,” Morgan said. “It’s all we can do.”

“Can you control the memories?” Robert said.

Morgan nodded. “Once I realised that the option to go back had disappeared I thought- I don’t know, trying to bring you to traumatic memories would jolt something in you- real you’s body, to wake you up. It just didn’t work.”

Robert looked at Aaron, giving him a small shake of the head. It was one of those things that they had built up over years of being together, the ability to read each other. Robert could tell Aaron’s anger was building like a tidal wave, an urge to protect him.

“Can you-“ Robert sighed, trying to think. “Can you send us somewhere nice? Alone? While we wait?”

As a surprise to both of them, there was no argument. No reasons why no technological malfunction explained, nothing to say. “Where to?”

—

They sat side by side on the boardwalk in Brighton, a tacky souvenir stand to their left and a man announcing a prize game on their right. They’d been there an hour, as their counterparts stood at the edge, Robert’s arm slung over Aaron’s shoulder haphazardly. It was only from six months earlier- a mate of Aaron’s getting married so othey’d taken the weekend and rented a house on a street filled with pastel-coloured houses- 3 stories, 4 bedrooms with a pride flag hanging in the back garden to greet them. Aaron remembered them dropping off their suits and bags at the house, preparing for an afternoon of sex before realising that the owners weren’t planning on leaving until the early afternoon. So they’d gone to the boardwalk, Robert only making a few comments about it being touristy before letting himself get fully immersed in the experience. They still had the photo booth photos on the mirror in their bathroom from it, them making stupid faces and Robert kissing Aaron’s cheek.

“We should go back here,” Robert said, staring over at the waves below him. “When we’re out again. I’d like to go back here.”

“Robert I’m so sorry,” Aaron said. “Look at me.” And Robert did, because they did this now, they had the difficult conversations that required eye contact and Feelings. “I should never have said that about your mum or let you come do this on your own.”

“Hey,” Robert said, in his softest voice. He leaned forward and kissed Aaron lightly. “This isn’t your fault.”

“I wish I hadn’t seen so many of your memories,” Aaron added, saying the thing that he had been dying to say since he’d first seen Robert again. “That’s not- that’s not fair on ya.”

“Aaron,” Robert started, trying to choose his words carefully. “I don’t care about that. There’s nothing I want to keep from ya.”

“You shouldn’t have had to- keep all that buried,” Aaron finally said quietly, staring at his feet. “Ya must’ve been lonely. All this time.”

“It wasn’t all bad. I got to see her again. Got to remember some nice things. You and me.” Robert laughed. “It’s funny, I paid thousands of pounds to see our wedding- to show her our wedding- because I wanted to see ya. I could’ve just left and seen ya. Might’ve been able to breathe if I’d done that.”

“Robert, you didn’t know,” Aaron said gently. “She lied to ya.”

“I should’ve been able to tell,” Robert said, voice getting choked up in the way that Aaron hated, that made him want to burn and destroy things until whatever was hurting his husband went away. “I should have seen it- and if I’m-“ he took a breath. “If I’m not able to see what’s her and what isn’t, I’m gonna forget her,” Robert finished.

Aaron leaned over and framed Robert’s face. “Hey, that’s not- that’s not what that means, Rob. You’re not ever gonna forget her. You got to- you got to see her again, here. You got to see her hold your hand and take ya to- to ice skate and see her birthday again,” he let his hands drop. “If anythin’ good came out of this, this bullshit she put ya through- you got to remember more than you ever would have. And hey, I’m with ya now. You’re not alone with these memories anymore. You’re not alone.”

“Even if we’re stuck here for a thousand years?” Robert said. “Still worth it?”

“A thousand years with you, I think that’d be alright,” Aaron said with a small smile. “C’mon, the wedding’s gonna start soon,” he added, gesturing towards their counterparts, who were heading home to change- only having sex once, in a mark of true restraint.

—

“I remember this song,” Robert said, gesturing to the DJ. A few hours had gone by, and Robert and Aaron- the ones from the memory, were slow dancing- drunk off champagne and each other, laughing and swaying from side-to-side. “Wanna dance?”

Aaron smiled and stood up. “Not as fancy as we were then,” he said, gesturing to his grey Henley. He looked serious for a moment. “Always.”

‘And nothing matters when we’re dancing..’

Aaron clutched at the back of Robert’s shoulders and felt Robert’s hands descend to his waist.

‘In tat or tatters you’re entrancing..’

Robert buried his head in Aaron’s neck, taking him in.

‘Be we in Paris or in Lansing-‘

Robert started to feel a jolt and felt himself fall backwards. An earthquake. Something wrong. Something very wrong.

Nothing matters when we’re-‘

The music went away. For a minute, pure white. And then before they could think of anything else they were hit with nothing but the sensation of being awake and alive and fell into each other’s arms.

—

(It was Victoria, in the end who had cracked. Apparently only after 2 minutes. A baseball bat to every single monitor. Completely calling Morgan’s bluff that this would strand Robert and Aaron for eternity.)

“I couldn’t just watch ya go under to save him and not do anything,” she had said to Aaron, while he fielded questions from the police, over Rob’s shoulder as she’d refused to stop hugging him for even a minute. “Particularly when she told us more about how it all worked. I had to save my brother. And knowing you two you’d just stay there forever staring into each other’s eyes or summat.”)

(It was Belle who fought at the inquiry, who spoke passionately about things that the rest of them were, as Cain said, ‘too stupid or old’ to understand. It was Belle who highlighted the other victims and called into question privatisation of Memory-based Technology.)

(It was Cain and Moira who hired the lawyers, prepared statements, dealt with the police and fed the entire family of misfits situated at Mill Cottage for weeks after.)

(It was Aaron who took care of Robert.)

(It was Robert who took care of Aaron.)

—

Robert woke up to turning 34 with a smile on his face.

It wasn’t just the sex, though that played a part. It wasn’t the breakfast in bed that Aaron served him after, or the walk they went on by the bridge. It wasn’t even the hours they spent just talking, truly talking, about how they were feeling, the way they had to check in these days.

It was the fact that when Robert said “I want to see her,” Aaron immediately grabbed his keys.

It was walking by her gravestone and laying a rose, hand held tightly in his husband’s hand.

It was lying in bed hours after, staring into Aaron’s eyes and watching shitty Netflix until the clock marked his birthday officially over.

“You know, you saved me,” Robert said. They hadn’t talked about it in ages, not feeling like they could- any reflection on the months spent under seemed too unreal, too disjointed and was typically a good way to ensure one of them spent hours sobbing. Usually Robert, Aaron stroking his back as he convulsed over their toilet.

“Hey,” Aaron replied, tightening himself closer around Robert, knowing that that was the way he liked to be spooned, really- the way that he felt like he could nearly crawl into Aarno’s skin. “We’ve talked about this. You saved ya. I had nothin’ to do with it.”

“You walked through memories for me,” Robert said, feeling overwhelmed. “Sometimes you just- ya love me so much, and I don’t understand how. But then I think about what I feel for ya, and I sort of get it.”

Aaron smiled at him warmly. “I guess it’s just- how it is, for us.”

“Weird,” Robert countered.

“Yeah,” Aaron said. “But I’d crawl through a thousand memories to drag you back to where you could be in my arms, so.”

Robert felt something draw over him, something that felt like it could slot into place the way it hadn’t ever before. “A thousand lifetimes,” he said.

They both ignored the enormity of it, feeling comfortable in everything that had been said, and drifted off.

[eternalsterekrecs]

Is there a tag for fics where they're Internet celebrities? Like one of them is a youtuber or something. If not, do you know of any fics like that? Thanks a bunch!

Yup, we sure do!

ONLINE CELEBRITIES

Bones Straining Under the Weight by weathervaanes

One of Stiles’ favorite things about life is Derek Hale’s food blog. He never expects to meet the man in person.

~

“Derek,” he says again, and the name feels very strange on his tongue. “You don’t mean Derek Hale.”

His professor’s eyebrows reach up, eyes widening. “You read his blog?”

“Uh. Worship. Would be a better more descriptive word. That is Derek Hale?”

Jimmy chuckles. “Good-looking guy, huh?”

“You mean to tell me the Food Network hasn’t snatched him up to dethrone everyone else from daytime TV.”

Jimmy smiles a small private smile. “I don’t think TV is his medium.”

Stiles raises an eyebrow. “Shy?”

The man laughs heartily at that. “No, I wouldn’t say that. He just has particular forms of expression, like eyebrows and chili powder.”

Navigating This Space Between Us by Omni

Derek gets forced to watch some sci-fi show about a surly, secret prince and the sarcastic young spaceship captain hired to aid him on his quest. Strangely enough, he finds himself hooked on it. So much so that he’s even drawn into the fandom. There he meets a popular fanfic author with an oddly endearing attitude, and he gets rather smitten. Maybe this mystery guy could actually help get him to stop pining for Stiles…

Kiss the Cook by idyll

Derek’s a professional chef, and Stiles is a blogger who butchers his recipes.

on camera by bleep0bleep

A near-naked incident on Derek’s livestream.

Daddy Do’s by apocryphal

“Hi Mr. Stilinski!” Lydia said pertly. “My name’s Lydia, and this is my daddy. His name is Derek Andrew Hale and he watches all of your videos on YouTube a lot, but he still can’t braid.”

[Stiles is a celebrity YouTube hairstylist. Derek may or may not have a crush. Lydia just wants a French braid for school picture day.]

Really, Derek Hale? by relenafanel

Derek loves his sisters, so when Allison expresses the need to visit her family home in Beacon Hills years after the death of her parents, Derek agrees. It’s the perfect setting for him to work on the storyboard for Lycaon Production’s newest horror movie. It also happens to be the hometown of one of the most popular horror movie vloggers.

Stiles’ Horror Picture Blog just might be the inspiration he needs to put Lycaon back on the big screen. He doesn’t expect Stiles himself to become his inspiration.

And he certainly doesn’t expect Stiles’ antagonistic treatment of him in return, even if he understands how it happened. Derek has never been very good at people, and he has no idea how to make it right when everything he tries just makes Stiles’ opinion of him worse.

A Pride and Prejudice / Lizzie Bennet Diaries fusion fic from the Darcy character’s POV.

Wolf Talk With Stiles by alphagottadonk

The first time he saw Derek, he swooped in all charm and suave coolness that Derek fell for hook, line, and sinker. And that was a total lie, because the first time he laid eyes on Derek, he’d been shocked by how fucking gorgeous he was with his dark hair and the most attractive facial structure Stiles had ever seen. He just looked wolfish, and when his pale eyes flicked up to catch Stiles’, he tried waving and then promptly walked into the glass doors to the little company café, dumping his whole cup of coffee down his front.

[eenefangirlanalysis]

“The hills are alive, Eddy!”

“Yeah, with the sounds of an idiot.”

Perfect movie connection. I wonder if they’ve watched The Sound of Music.

Before I go on have you noticed how Eddy has slashed or stomped on flowers throughout this scene?

I had to look up if this referred to any dark symbolism and I was taken to ‘The Crushing Symbolism of the Boot’. Everything underneath the sole of a shoe is insignificant. 

Wow, this automatically made me think back to when Bro was still living with Eddy and abusing him under his power. Eddy never meant anything to Bro. He was insignificant.

Eddy has always felt insecure about his short stature. Sarah and Jimmy are almost as tall as him and they’re eight years old. Since Eddy is releasing all kinds of anger he’s making anything smaller feel his pain.

Dark.

Somehow Edd teleports himself in front of his friends.

He only takes advantage of cartoon physics when he really needs to.

Love Eddy’s reaction.

Then again Edd has shown the ability to run faster then his friends. He beats Eddy when he’s trying to chase Ed in order to destroy his violin in Pain in the Ed. Edd underestimates his physical strength. But, also fears it. He’s afraid of what he made do after the events of the dodge ball incident. He’s much stronger person then everyone thinks. We’ll see that play out in the swamp scene.

Edd deems that they’re not going to take another step until they deduce the whereabouts's of Eddy’s brother.

Oh, this image is so adorable. 

Edd is acting as the adult figure while Eddy is trying to decide what to do to make Edd change his mind.

This expression has Bro written all over it. Then again, Eddy has always been a master weaseling his way into people’s emotions. Eddy always takes advantage of Edd knowing he is an emotional person. 

However, human emotions are Eddy’s weakness. He can’t stand to see anybody cry. He immediately falls out from the tough guy act to reconfigure his plan so nobody will be emotionally affected. I think Eddy has always been an emotional person. There are a few theories or fanfics which have him crying at nights when nobody else is around. He hates himself for making his friends go through idiotic situation which test their emotional limits. 

This whole journey is testing their friendship.

As I have complained before Ed gets left out due to the EddEddy subplot. The Ed’s together have all been faced with countless tests whether they’re meant to be friends or not.

But mostly Edd and Eddy.

“Forget to pay the brain bill?”

Eddy perpetrates Edd’s personal space bubble immediately breaking Edd out from his authoritative adult mask. 

You know, I never looked at Eddy’s face this closely until now. He looks a tad uncomfortable at what he’s doing. He’s mirroring Bro. Eddy hates being too close to people, although he can never keep his hands to himself. You can tell that he doesn’t want to be harassing Edd like this.

As I have explained before the characters have two different eyes. One eye is big while the other is small. The eye that is closest to Edd represents the Bro mask. The eye facing closet to the audience represents the real Eddy. Every character on this show is wearing a mask and you can tell whenever they’re unsure.

Edd looses focus but still is able to give a good argument that he has nothing to go on because Eddy’s brother is an enigma to him.

Yup, that’s the best word to describe Bro. Viewers are still trying to figure this man out after eight years.

Eddy has always used physical touch to take advantage of Edd. Let’s talk about the one arm hug once more. Eddy wants his friends to go along with him so he uses what he has witnessed from their home lives to get his way. A terrible approach but he wants his friends to feel good. 

Edd feels utterly violated by this act. He picks up on Eddy’s ways. Nobody has any idea what Edd is going through or how he feels. Whether Eddy has picked up on how cold Edd’s parents truly are he has a lot to learn about Edd post movie. He would have learned more if they didn’t cut the confession scene.

Eddy, being the mischievous rascal he is, randomly dives through Edd’s legs.

Yeah, I believe EddEddy is canon too. The artists shipped them!

And it’s not the first time Eddy dove through Edd’s legs. He literally stuck his hand through Edd’s legs just to get a quarter in A Fistful of Ed.

Aw, poor Edd.

Eddy smugly tells Eddy to think up a plan quickly. He also adds that his brother is waiting.

Eddy says this a number of times throughout their journey.

A part of him is hoping that his brother still remembers him. Yes, they have had communication via letters but Bro has not physically seen Eddy. And vice versa. Will Eddy recognize his brother?

I believe that Eddy wanted to find his brother all along. The reason why he always slowed things up is because he grows scared whenever they may be close. What if he hasn’t changed? The repressed memories are also coming back to haunt him. He needs to find out for himself if the memories that showcase Bro as an abuser are true or if it’s his mind playing tricks on him.

What Eddy is saying is that he’s waiting, not his brother.

Edd grasps his head in frustration once more.

The year I came back into the eene fandom I wrote a whole fanfic novelization which goes along with the movie. I wrote each scene, line, and even wrote in a few of the deleted scenes that would have taken place. As I writer I love to write background events and what characters are thinking during conversations.

I’ve always wondered if Edd regrets his friendship with Eddy. Notice how he was drifting a lot during season 5? He believes he’d be better off without Ed and Eddy until he realizes that he doesn’t have anyone else. Eddy has tested his limits and taught Edd how to have fun. That’s an important lesson for Edd because nobody else has taught him that. If Edd stopped being friends with Eddy he’d resort back to sitting in his room all day long experimenting and never experiencing what the world is truly about.

[destielfanfic]

Lost and Found, #1

Introducing a new category of posts on destielfanfic - Lost and Found!

Hey guys! It has come to our attention that sometimes our private answers get lost in the blue void and never reach their destination (booo tumblr!) Since answering asks is time consuming, we’ve decided not to let our efforts go to waste and post them on the blog as well. This way more people will be able to benefit from our answers. To save space, we withhold the urls and quote only relevant bits from the original asks to give you an idea of what we are working with here. Some asks may contain spoilers for the fic, but them’s the breaks. Proceed at your own risk!

When possible, fic links go to posts on our blog, if the fic is not featured on the blog, we link to the hosting site. If you think that some other fic is a better fit, let us know!  Gif from the gorgeous gif set by @magnificent-winged-beast​ , original post here, SPN, 15x12. Used with the permission.

Lost and Found fic, #1

This is an interesting case since we received several asks about the same fic in a short succession. Of course, there’s always a good chance that some asks are from the same OP because our answers never reached them.

a canon-verse one where sam is cas's vessel temporarily. Not sure what season it's set around;

the one where Cas loses his body and Sam offers to take him inside his body. Cas heals Sams mental damage from Lucifer while Dean struggles with his feelings for Cas.

after Cas becomes a archangel, Jimmy can't hold him, so he goes into Sam's body and Dean is conflicted because of the feelings he has for Cas;

it's one where Sam is Cas' vessel for a bit, over 20k at least;

something happens to Cas and he uses Sam as a vessel (its only Destiel still) , it's past season 5 at least (canonverse or canon divergent);

Our answer: Our Bodies, Possessed By Light by obstinatrix [NC-17, 42,000 word count, SU], an old fandom favorite, still going strong it seems.

Lost and Found fic, #2

Dean starts having these dreams about him and Cas, in different scenarios. ... I believe Dean always wakes up before the, ahem, big finish. As it turns out, Cas has been having the same dreams. They meet in the kitchen one night, and kitchen shenanigans ensue. If you have any ideas, it'd be so helpful.

Our answer: Along My Restless Palms by Sass_Master  [NC-17, 23,800 word count, SU]

Lost and Found fic, #3

in which Dean is a monster (... ) and they're kind of in a post apocalyptic world were all the monsters from purgatory were released. He finds Cas and 2 kids on the side of the road and saves them from a bunch of people? 

Our answer: Man in the Wilderness by OneHundredSuns [NC-17, 67,700 word count, AU, Super AU]   Over the years, we have been asked about this fic multiple times. It seems, our followers have a hard time to find it on the blog. Hint - try #creature!dean tag!

Lost and Found fic, #4

dean and castiel are in high school and they’re those popular kids who pretend to be gay / flirt with each other? i doubt it was any more than 8,000 words

Our answer: Peak Homosexual by K_K_TiBal [G, 3,800 word count, AU]

So, we never heard back from the OP, which usually would mean that our suggested fic was correct choice but now I’m having second thoughts. Maybe it is this one?

The Nuances in Flirting by K_K_TiBal [G, 3,100 word count, AU]

Lost and Found fic, #5 

Castiel has Aspergers or ocd and works in a record store with Meg, I think they’re related or something. Dean has different color hair like every week.

Our answer: Scars by lemonsorbae [NC-17, 148,000 word count, AU] Note - Cas is friends and related to Ruby, not Meg in this fic, but all the other details fit perfectly. 

~~~~

Other stuff to remember:

All asks are much longer and full of love and polite language. ;)

If we answered your lost fic ask and you never responded back, we are assuming that we found your fic;

Lost fic asks that we couldn’t answer privately, are added to our Group Ask for our followers to helpI

We also answer more general questions about fics, fanfic tropes and suggest some recs when necessary. We may add some of such asks on these posts later, but we are not gonna post publicly every ask we answered privately, lost fic or otherwise.

If you have sent us an ask and never heard from us again, privately or via our Group Asks, don’t hesitate to send us another message!

When looking for lost fic, check out our Tags Page! We have more than 300 tags to explore. Or use our Search engine from desktop to search for specific or unique terms. 

[destielfanfic]

Lost and Found, #2

Lost and Found, vol.2 (more about this new type of post see here) 

Here are some asks that we have already answered privately but we hope that our answers could be useful to other followers as well. Some asks may contain spoilers for the fic, proceed at your own risk!

When possible, fic links go to posts on our blog, if the fic is not featured on the blog, we link to the hosting site. If you think that some other fic is a better fit, let us know! Gif from the gorgeous gif set by @magnificent-winged-beast​ , original post here, SPN, 15x12. Used with a permission.

Lost and Found fic, #1 

I’m looking for an old epic Destiel fic (LJ era). Castiel was Dean’s guardian angel since he was a child. On one of the first scene Castiel was fascinated by Dean excitement for a storm. Castiel was very fascinated by Dean in general. Castiel was able to see souls. Sam and Dean had a very strong bond partly because Castiel had touched newborn Sam’s soul. When Dean was a teenager Castiel possessed Jimmy’s twin sister and went to a date with Dean to the cinema.

Our answer: The Soul Piece by cloudyjenn [M, 138,000 (abandoned? WIP), SU]

This fandom classic used to be hosted on all popular fic hosting platforms of the day - Live Journal, FanFic Net and Dreamwidth. Times have changed , the author has deleted their LJ and FF accounts, and the fic is now hosted only on AO3. See our PSA about cloudyjenn here.

Lost and Found fic, #2

I’m looking for a fic called “Return” but I cannot remember the author. It is a story about Dean being a space soldier and Cas is his husband back on earth with their son. Dean’s ship gets blown up but Cas can’t move on even when Sam tries to talk him into it for his own good. Turns out Dean is alive and enslaved. He is rescued 5 years after he is presumed KIA and returns to Cas and son. It also has two smaller fics in the verse “Meet” and “Ask”.

Our answer:  Return, Meet and Ask by cloudyjenn (unofficially recced on an ask about fics where Cas thinks that Dean is dead) [8,000 word count, 3 parts, AU]

Another fic by cloudyjenn, which is now hosted only on her Dreamwidth. On our blog this fic is recced on 2 asks, the second ask is about fics with soldier/civilian families; both asks are tagged with the #war tag. Since cloudyjenn deleted her LJ 3 years ago, many links to her fics on our blog were broken. Thanks to this ask, I had a chance to look them up and fix them. ;)

Lost and Found fic, #3

hey! what’s that fanfic where cas is a spanish professor and dean is an MA student doing spanish literature? thanks xxx 

Our answer: Inevitable Homoeroticism in Spanish Romantic Heroes by prosopopeya [NC-17, 41,700 word count, AU]

Gosh, this fic was the talk of the town when I joined fandom and started reading destiel fic 8 years ago.

Lost and Found fic, #4

hi! I've looked through your fantasy/demon dean tags and used the search engine, but I haven't found the fic i'm after. In the fic Dean was a demon/Cas was an angel, I think it worked out like angels and demons were different kingdoms? As far as I remember they had to work together, an arranged marriage may have been involved but I'm not sure. Demons had tails/wings, and angels had wings but i'm not sure about tails. There's a scene where Cas watched Dean train his demon team. 

Our answer: This is All Life Really Means by gedry [NC-17, 90,000 word count, AU]

Gedry is another popular author from the good old LJ times. The link on our review goes to their LJ where fic is marked as complete. Recently, gedry has started to repost their fic to AO3, so I added AO3 link to our review as well. It seems that some timestamps are still not transferred, and for this reason only the fic is marked as a WIP. Please be assured that the main destiel story is complete and you can enjoy the fic and give it more love on AO3. Btw, the fic is on our demon!dean tag which we use for both, AU and SU fics. 

Lost and Found fic, #5

[TL;DR lost fic: SU S10 (Post Demon!Dean), Dean PoV, hunting, angst, on Ao3, medium length] Newly-human Dean struggling to control the MoC and TFW hunting at a hotel. Demon!Dean told Sam & Cas that Dean was molested as a kid by a coach at his school (who paid for the brothers' hotel room). Monster looked like Cas, but didn't speak. Not written by kelpie, xylo, komodo, salty, peridium, or other usual suspects. 

Our answer:  Autrement, Danger - Or the Account of an Exceedingly Long Day by awed_frog [M, 30,600 word count, SU]

If awed_frog is not yet among your usual suspects when looking for a canon verse fic, she must be added to the list asap!

Other stuff to remember:

If we answered your lost fic ask and you never responded back, we are assuming that we have found your fic. If you have sent us an ask and never heard from us again, privately or via our Group Asks, don’t hesitate to send us another message!

Lost fic asks that we couldn’t answer privately, are added to our Group Ask for our followers to help!

We also answer more general questions about fics, fanfic tropes and suggest recs when necessary.

When looking for lost fic, check out our Tags Page! We have more than 300 tags to explore. Or use our Search engine from desktop to search for specific or unique terms.

If you enjoyed the fic, please drop by the archive (AO3) and let the author know with your comments and/or kudos! And if you found our recs useful, let us know by Liking and/or Reblogging our posts.