#I mean still dying cuz terminal illness lol

[vully-andthegoose]

me at work all day: man i can’t WAIT to get home & work on this chapter, i have so many ideas. whew i wanna write so bad!

me as soon as i get home: mmmnnnnnhhreerruuuuaaahhuughghaaugh

[issuesdolly]

VERY sad recent personal experience- need to vent

hey folks.... I had to vent to the empty Tumblr space about a very upsetting/confusing recent experience. I have a TikTok where I make JD/Korn related content as well as vids of myself about my life and some comedy stuff of me.

Well, few months ago, a guy found my videos and followed me and seemed to care deeply about the health advocacy videos I put up regarding my terminal + chronic pain illness. He invited me to speak with him and after seeing him on vid + in person, he looked VERY VERY SIMILAR to Jonathan Davis in his 30s... as well as being a huge JD/Korn fan. So yeah him 36 me 33.... living nearby each other. He could even do some good JD vocal immitations when we'd be singing along to the songs together and stuff lol. So.... y'all can imagine how that made me feel lol.

He told me for months he thought I'm beautiful... that he likes me and wanted to get into a relationship. I was pretty much blown away. I was like "seriously????" cuz... it felt like a dream or something haha. I explain over and over again about my failing health and educated him on all that is wrong with me.. testing him....and he was still supportive saying he accepts that that's where it's at for me and still wants to be with me. When I'd had worse flairups he said lovely things like "I wish I could take your pain away," and I would say stuff like "you do... as much as anyone can." Which was true. I was falling for him for sure.

We started spending more time together and he started talking about wanting to hook up. Obviously, I wanted that more than ANYTHING IN THE WORLD HAHA. But... I got scared saying "you are extremely attractive to me but I'm afraid to just hook up.... I'd like to get to know you better first??" because believe it or not... as pervy as I am in my writing, I'm VERY careful in my real life where my physical safety/men are concerned. And where my heart is concerned.

BECAUSE this guy was SO good looking I had to think "I wonder how many women/people he's trying this with????" Him being single and wanting to spend his life with a dying lady seemed too good to be true. He also spends a lot of time out with friends and going to concerts and clubs while I'm bedridden so I had to wonder what he's really up to when I'm not around. Basically I was being appropriately skeptical. And also didn't want to get heartbroken if he saw the vulnerability of my situation knowing I'm very sick/depressed and he reminds me of JD.

I admitted I'm VERY attracted to him and definitely want to fuck him lol.... but want to be careful and spend more time with him before getting into that.

Obviously after I wasn't moving "fast" enough... the JD- lookalike guy has kinda stopped responding to my messages or caring as much. He went from bombarding me with conversation to ghosting for days. Which obviously means he never cared about my health problems + life in the first place. I've been pretty devastated...Since obviously my fondest hope before death would be to meet someone awesome who REMINDS me of Jonathan or the things I like about Jonathan (or at least appreciates his music).. Feeling STUPID and pretty heartbroken. I was with one man for 10 years and that relationship ended this February but what has transpired now has actually cut me deeper than the end of my 10-year relationship.

Also this JD look alike guy has been the ODDEST experience of my life too BTW.

NOT even kidding that dude:

-came out of nowhere.. messaged me

-pursued ME not the other way around

- looked JUST like Jonathan besides dreads but he has long black hair, thick rim black glasses, same height/build/facial hair and how he had it cut. I even asked friends and family showing them pics like "AM I NUTS OR DOES HE LOOK LIKE JONATHAN????" and they were like "he could be a fucking impersonator of early 2000s JD . WTF no you're not nuts"

And yeah this dude spent months acting like he cared about me saying stuff like "I'm always here for you... you can always reach out to me...." "Anyone who loved you would never leave you due to poor health and I accept your health problems and still REALLY like you and want to be with you" or "I'm grateful you're in the world don't give up." FML.