#I really keep struggling with my mental health more than I thought and this hellsite hasn’t helped one bit

[chrollohearttags]

I have not felt an ounce of inspiration to write on this app for a while if I’m being honest. I don’t think I’m leaving but a LONG sabbatical is looking real nice.

[gallickingun]

ding, dong, the witch is dead!

honestly, who didn’t see this coming? lol. but, anyway. i guess this is goodbye! i’ll ramble more below the cut, but just know that over the next couple of days, i’ll be exporting my blog so i can keep what i want, and then this will be the only post left here.

thank you to everyone who i’ve had the privilege of meeting, and those of you who have been so kind as to leave lovely notes on my works, and interact with me over our silly anime crushes. i really appreciate all the kindness i’ve been shown in the anime fandom. some of my best friends i’ve met through this stupid app, but overall, it’s just not a healthy space for me. i’m not blaming anyone else for what this has become, at the end of the day, i created a hell for myself. i’m just tired of trying to rebuild, rebrand, whatever. i’m just tired.

that being said, obviously not everything can always be so lovely. i don’t care about the discourse or the drama or the whatever, but i’m just hoping this post will bring me some closure, and maybe some for those i’ve hurt, whether accidentally or intentionally. if you click read more and you’re upset with what you see, well, idk what to tell you, friend.

i hate that tumblr can be so insignificant, and yet so all encompassing all at once. yes, it’s “just tumblr” and “it’s not that deep” because at the end of the day, it’s just an app. but, unfortunately, behind this app and these blogs are human beings. which means you create real bonds and real friendships, and real feelings get hurt.

i came back to tumblr during a really sad, dark time in my life. and that was honestly my first mistake. i latched on to whoever would pay attention to me, craving some sort of friendship that i never needed before because i always had someone in real life. but i had just moved away from my family, and was starting the process of what would end up being a notsogreat divorce. i felt alone, and was struggling a lot with my self worth, so instead of choosing to be kind, i chose to lash out. regardless of whether or not that was in private dm’s of those whom, at the time, i’d considered friends, it was still inconsiderate and childish of me. i thought i had to be some hateful version of myself in order to prove to other people that i wasn’t as sad about myself as i truly was. the words i said in private were rude, nasty, and just... not who i want to be? and, without going into immense detail, some of those things i wanted to move on from and no longer felt, were then used as weapons and spread around to others who i never intended to see what i’d said.

please, please, PLEASE — be careful what you say. you really never know who is watching, who is going to manipulate you, etc. what you say holds weight, and even if you don’t intend for it to hurt anyone, even if it’s just venting.. i dunno. just, be careful, okay? check yourself from time to time, friend. make sure that you’re not allowing the overall negativity of the world, of your own mind, of others, to affect you to the point that you don’t recognize yourself.

if you don’t know about my lovely little exposed blog, well, you’d probably be the last to know. at least, it feels that way. although in the beginning maybe it was justified? in some right? i’m not sure anymore, really, but regardless—it turned into some sort of stalking experience. at one point in time, i received 35+ messages telling me how horrible i was, telling me to off myself, telling me that my ex did the right thing by leaving me “on the curb”, etc. my full legal name was being released, with the intent to doxx me i’m assuming? i was being told i was “being watched”, which i fully believe was happening, with the consistency of the updates. people who claim to hate me, still followed me with the intent of watching my every move to “see if i’d changed”. i only have received updates through friends, because to be perfectly honest with you, seeing your worst mistakes splayed on the internet and turning you into some shounen villain is NOT the best thing for your mental health. that, and some of the “truths” were half-honesties twisted because i’d be a hypocrite to post private dm’s debunking these things when i was upset with the very same people for posting such things. i’ve addressed some things, such as the racism, so i won’t go into that again, but some of these other instances are stretches, to say the least.

the irony of the whole thing is not lost on me. the very same people who say i only do things for notes/recognition, are doing those very things. those who say i only care about tumblr, are proving that by running a blog dedicated to exposing some twenty three year old idiot on the internet. those who say i use my friends are the same ones who literally lied to my face so they could collect receipts behind my back and then leave me when it got convenient. those who say i talk to “insignificant” blogs to appear invested are the ones calling those blogs insignificant, i never once believed anyone i’ve interacted with was insignificant, contrary to popular belief. everything they focus on ends up being nothing but hypocrisy in the end.

that being said, obviously i truly hurt whoever all is behind this blog. intentionally, or otherwise. and i know that sometimes what you do/say isn’t meant to hurt anyone, however, you don’t get to control how what you’ve done effects others. all you can do is apologize. but, i know a few of them, because based on the “receipts” they’ve pulled together, the stories are too specific to be anything but those people i’m thinking of. i don’t enjoy blanket apologies, but i’m leaving this hellsite, so it’s all i’ve got left.

i’m sorry for giving you the fuel to your fire for this petty agenda, i’m sorry for creating the monster of myself that allowed you to string along this storyline for what seems to be the better part of a year. i’m sorry that i gave you material to fixate upon, rather than providing you with friendship and something better to focus on. i truly hope you can move on now that i’m gone from tumblr, and honestly i don’t plan on coming back, lol. i genuinely, truly, deeply feel sorry for you, and pray that you can turn this obsessive focus from me to something more productive, something healthier.

the angry part of me wants everyone to realize that the start of this, the matchups/refunds situation, was born from this stalkerish behavior. it has taken me months to put the pieces together, because i truly didn’t think someone who i’d called my friend once would ever string together such a lie, or rather an exaggerated, adulterated truth, but i guess it’s what happened, in the end.

there are a lot of, uh, conveniently timed “releases” of receipts even though they were months after the initial occurrence of the offense. i can’t go into each one, because, frankly, there are too many. i just hope that in the wake of all of these horrible exposes of things i’ve done, others are able to reflect on their actions. telling me one thing while currently speaking to another individual and telling them another, blatantly LYING, etc. are all things that i’ve been accused of, and yet they’ve also been done to me. doesn’t justify what i’ve done, nor am i seeking some sort of absolution, however i just hope that these individuals can see their hypocrisy and move forward.

which leads me to my final point — regardless of how shitty someone is, disallowing them the room to grow, stunting their moral/mental growth, is truly the issue. i am not going to sit here and play holier than thou. i know i fucked up. i was a nasty bitch because i was angry at the world, and then that anger was fueled further by consistent situations where i made the wrong friends at the wrong times in my life. but the fact that this exposed nonsense has been dragging on since... july? august? i’m not really sure, but whatever. since it’s been going on, i have been battling with myself and my ability to do the things i love, talk to those i care about, etc. all because i’m afraid of saying the wrong thing, hurting the wrong person, etc. and in trying to avoid it, i’ve been doing the very same thing i hoped to keep from doing.

i never felt like i could apologize to those i wanted to apologize to because it might be received as disingenuous due to the nature of the exposed blog’s very existence “forcing” me to apologize. don’t get me wrong, some of those who the blog tried to coerce me into apologizing to can suck a dick, because there are people that i truly do not feel deserve my apologies, and therefore, will never get them. but, i do feel bad for those i didn’t get the chance to apologize to that i really wanted to. the last thing i’d want is for my apology to be turned into something it’s not, but hopefully everyone who has been affected by my actions can move on with my absence.

and to those of you who feel the need to make public denounces of my name, i hope it provides you the closure you’ve been seeking. truly, i do. but know that i never did anything i’ve ever done with the intent to get ahead or buy someone’s friendship or take advantage of anyone else. if i truly only cared about the things people say i cared about, i would have never made this blog in the first place. i would have leeched off the popularity of my main blog if popularity was all i cared about. i was searching for a home, which, in the end, i burned down myself. me, joking around about follower count and notes, was literally nothing but sarcastic banter that’s been taken out of context. but, i digress.

i am very thankful for those who i can still call my friends, who are willing and ready to have honest discussions with me about the things i’ve said/done and analyze them and help me move forward. therapy, medication, life choices, etc. all have been rolled into me deciding that i’m done letting a silly little app stunt my growth. if the internet was unplugged tomorrow, i know who i’d have and what would matter. i have REAL LIFE to focus on. i am in love and i have beautiful friendships that i want to foster with honesty and kindness. i can only hope that you all have the opportunity to have those very same things.

will i stop writing? nah, dude. no way. i’m just getting started. in my absence, in choosing to stay away from a place that makes me sick to my stomach with anxiety, i’ve delved into my original characters and i’ve written thousands of words that i haven’t felt the pressure to post about. i’ve learned that just because i’m doing something i love, i don’t have to do it for anyone else.

the internet is a funky place, folks. just be careful who your friends are, okay?

anyway. peace out, girl scouts. i wish you all the best 💖

[cassianjerons]

fandom compliment 💕

so since today is the birthday of one of my favorite people on this hellish website and they decided to help host a fandom compliment day in honour of it - because that’s the kind of wonderful and thoughtful human rust is - i am going to attempt to do them justice by sending some kind words to all the wonderful people who shaped my fandom experience over the past two and a half years in all kinds of beautiful, thoughtful, hilarious and amazing ways. 

i never made some overdramatic “i am leaving the fandom” post, because for one that’s not me, but also because i might have been able to quit the show, but i don’t have any interest in quitting on the people. and this feels far more productive anyway. 

oh, and if you hadn’t realised yet, hello again, it’s the artist formerly known as @vicbartons! so let’s do this thing:

(under a cut, because this is going to get really long and quite possibly soppy)

(also go and send rust @rustandruin some love for their birthday while you’re at it, because they deserve it)

@aarobron lucy! my football buddy! seriously, if you happen to have sold your soul to a football club like the two of us have, lucy is the one you want to talk to about it. but aside from the fact that this girl is a wealth of football knowledge, she also happens to be hilarious and smart and passionate, which makes her a freaking joy to talk to at all times. 

@aarondingel haley is an absolute angel of a human who is full of love and support for the people she cares about. she’s thoughtful and kind and there is no one else in this world i would rather vehemently disagree about fiction with than her. bantering, chatting and laughing with her has been one of my favourite things about being part of this fandom and let’s not forget about how she always fills my dashboard with all kinds of gorgeous gifs. 

@aceliv rhia has the kindest soul and the biggest heart and never fails to brighten up my dashboard with her positive energy, which is worth a hole damn lot on an average day, but even more so in a fandom that at times tends to drown in negativity and upset. 

@bartsugsy this fandom and i personally would be so much poorer if it weren’t for lo’s wit and humour and her talent at boiling everything we love about emmerdale and robron into perfect text posts. her blog is always a joy to read and at the end of the day that is down to what a wonderful, thoughtful, kind and caring gem of a human lo is. 

@capseycartwright lorna is honestly an inspiration in about a hundred different ways and seeing her learn and grow and achieve her goals over the past few years from afar has been absolutely wonderful. she’s smart and thoughtful and witty and compassionate. honestly, lorna comes across as the type of person, who you hope to run into when you're sad and drunk in a club bathroom because there is no doubt in my mind that she would have tissues and good advice at hand for you before calling you a taxi. and don’t even get me started on how freaking talented of a writer she is. 

@charitydingle kayleigh is cool and witty and fun and kind and just a joy to follow. also, she loves charity and everyone who does is a goodun in my book.

@dingleminyard so. much. freaking. talent. all of coralie’s gifs and edits are art and we’re lucky to have her around.

@dingletragedy sophie! quite possibly my mutual with the best taste in music? maybe so. chatting with her is always a blast because she’s not only witty and lovely but also incredibly talented and being able to follow along as she started dipping her toes into writing over the past few months has been an absolute joy, especially because of how brilliant she is at it. and not to get too soppy on main, but after seeing her struggle every now and again in the past but also work so damn hard, i just hope that she is at least as proud of herself for graduating uni at the moment as i was when i saw that pic of her and her flipping finished dissertation this past week. 

@escapingreality51 amelia is an inspiration tbh. seeing her struggle with her mental health and bad brain days but always getting back up again, fighting, and turning her feelings and experiences into some of the most emotional, heart-felt, real and beautiful writing i have ever seen is incredible and i hope that she is incredibly proud of herself for all of it. seeing her grow and achieve her goals has been the most gorgeous side product of following her blog, though just having her kind, calm and caring presence on my dashboard would already have been enough. she’s the kind of person i would never hesitate to come to with a problem. she’s also the kind of person to write fanfiction that will make you want to fall in bone-shaking, devastating, can’t keep your heartbeat under control kinda love. 

@forgottenwounds there are few people on this site i have talked to as much over the past two years as erin and i wouldn’t want it any other way. discussing things with her never failed to make fandom more fun to me and because she’s not only fun and a sucker for details, but also incredibly smart and opinionated in the best of ways, i rarely leave our conversations without feeling a little bit smarter than before or having gained a new perspective on things and it’s the absolute best. she also happens to be a badass at work, putting in tons of love and effort and time into making the word a bit of a better place and i respect the hell out of her for it. 

@frecklysugden lauren is kind and funny and caring and i wish she would wake up every morning seeing herself the way i and so many others see her, because she is a ray of sunshine and smarts and wittiness and deserves to take on the world and make it her own. she also happens to be able to write stories that will feel like a punch to your gut in all the best and worst ways and have you crying happy or sad tears into your pillow at two in the morning, because you just couldn’t resist clicking that “next chapter” button just one last time before going to bed. also, sidenote: quality taste in music. that feels a bit tagged on now after all the soppy stuff, but it needed to be said. 

@inloveamateursatbest claudia has great taste in tv. let’s start with that, because that is what has lead me to have some of the best, most thoughtful and most fun conversations on this hellsite with her. just talking to her about stuff often makes me feel a little bit smarter and there is no one i would rather scream about skinny, blonde, nightmarish male characters who are hiding a massive heart under layers and layers of insecurities and issues with than her. that aside, she also happens to be an incredibly kind and thoughtful human, with a heart full of wit and gold. what more could you really ask for?

@inthedreamatorium keri and i have sadly never talked much, but she is just one of those hilarious, warm and wonderful presences on my dashboard that i don’t want to imagine my tumblr experience without. 

@josephtate the first thing i think about when i think of fiona, is how her fics always manage to feel like a hug or cuddling up under the covers with some tea and a good book, all warm and soft and homely. and it’s the most beautiful. she also happens to be way cooler than i could ever hope to be and just a really kind, lovely, talented human with a wicked taste in music and food. 

@justleavemebreathless the gifs! the video edits!! how can a single human be this freaking talented?? and then she also has the biggest heart and is this supportive and positive and lovely?? sounds fake, but it’s not and this fandom is better for having jacqueline in it. 

@lesgayliennesdangereuses kate always feels like one of those really rare “best of both worlds” kinda humans. quick-witted and sharp-tongued, but also incredibly kind and thoughtful. critical and intelligent, but also passionate and hilarious. she doesn’t take shit, but still always shows compassion and heart. basically, she is the kind of person who can go back and forth between shitposts about robert and aaron’s horrible fashion choices and thoughtful, educational posts about social justice issues or sexuality with an ease that’s impressive and wonderful.

@letthe3000rain the blog where sarcasm and not taking shit from dumb anons were born. everyone should have a blue on their dashboard as a palette cleanser from all the insanity of fandom and as a witty voice of reason that reminds you that some things maybe shouldn’t be taken so damn seriously. also to excessively discuss the affair era, because that ish is important. 

@littlelooneyluna nicole is an absolute wizard with words! the emotions she can pull out of you with just a few lines of dialogue is not only astonishing and wonderful but also an inspiration to everyone who’s ever tried their hand at writing themselves. and that’s before you even touch on the fact that she is one of the kindest souls around, never shy to compliment and support anyone who might need it. 

@longlivethefreakinme camille is a funny and supportive angel of a human and i wouldn’t want to imagine my fandom experience without her in it. last but not least, because she shares my love for robert and victoria’s relationship and her blog is always one of the best places to go to for anyone in dire need of a good affair era fix. especially when she stumbles down an emotional rabbit hole again and takes you right down with her in the best way. 

@luststricken hannah is an absolute babe, with a plus taste, who makes my fandom experience better just by existing. she’s a wonderful ray of sunshine who fills your dashboard with quality gifs as well as the perfect mix of positive attitude and banter. that and we all need a friend who supports our irrational hatred of a certain adele song that everyone else is weirdly obsessed with, even though it’s overplayed and she has literally dozens of better ones in her repertoire, you know?

@prettyboysugden lucy knows what she’s about and i respect the hell out of her for it. she stands her ground no matter what, but beyond that, she has an incredibly big heart and a kind soul and if that’s not the perfect mix i don’t know what is. oh, and have we talked about her damn writing yet? because dear god, it’s gorgeous. 

@robertisbisexual malorie is as outspoken and true to herself as i can only hope to be on my very best days and it impresses the hell out of me tbh. smart and witty and a force of nature, she’s the kind of person you want on your dashboard when everything and everyone around you seems to be drifting off into bullshit territory once again. nevertheless, mal never fails to be kind and thoughtful and considerate. oh, and because all of that apparently wasn’t already enough, she’s one hell of a writer as well. (she’s also a demon who loves to torture me personally with pictures of a certain freakish looking taxidermy faux pas, but i love her anyway.)

@robertjacobsugdens i have rarely met someone on here who was as well-spoken and thoughtful and just astonishingly smart as alex is. when alex takes on a topic of discussion, you can be sure that she isn’t going to half-arse things, but that instead she will show you a different perspective or teach you something you didn’t know before or maybe get you to look up a thing or two on wikipedia, because hearing her talk about things and issues she cares about makes you want to know more about them as well. aside of that, she also happens to be incredibly funny and witty and one hell of a writer. like, dear god, you do not want to know the number of times i have reread each and every one of her AUs…

@sapphicsugden siri always inspires me to try and be a better writer. that’s the first thing that comes to my mind when i think of her, because she is just that ridiculously talented. the way her writing takes you on an emotional journey with every carefully chosen word and phrase is mind-blowing and wonderful and deserves to be screamed at from rooftops tbh. but beyond that, siri is one of the most supportive, intelligent and kind-hearted people i have had the pleasure to meet on this website. 

@smittenwithsugden first of all, happiest of birthdays, pauline! i hope it’s an amazing one. now on to the compliments. pauline’s was one of the first emmerdale blogs i stumbled upon and also one of the first fanfic writer’s whose work i read, so i should just take a second to thank her for introducing me to this wonderful mess in the first place. in a lot of ways, she also feels like one of the fandom’s mums. she is the queen of organisation: translating clips, keeping track of directors and writers, planning events left and right and spreading positivity and love while she is at it. her blog is just this wealth of information and support and it’s a gift!

@sugdensquad​ millie is the person in this fandom who got me into reading wips. who had me desperately waiting for a new update the second i had finished her latest chapter of fic. who dragged me deep into her stories with her insane ability to slowly build a narrative and dig deep with characters and the way she takes all the things you love from canon and somehow manages to make them so much more. who had me reading tens of thousands of words in a single evening when it had been months since i’d last managed to actually finish a book. because that’s how talented she is. and on top of that she also happened to be a wonderful bean when i got talking to her much later on. 1000/10. would recommend. 

@thesnowyswan rae has the most supportive and loving energy around. she’s also unafraid to dig deeper and tackle big questions and issues and reading her takes on things, be it through the lens of her fanfic (and goddamnit she is one hell of her writer and reading her work never fails to inspire me) or in her posts always gets me to think more deeply about stuff myself and see things from a new perspective, and i appreciate the hell out of her for that. she’s the kind of person i would always trust to go to for advice, knowing that i would be getting a thoughtful, kind and compassionate answer no matter the issue. 

@wycombewanderer husna feels like a breath of fresh air amidst fandom craziness. the way she always comes across as calm and collected and eloquently speaks on all kinds of issues and topics and never fails to teach me a thing or two on the way is not only impressive but also something i massively appreciate. beyond that, she also just has a genuine, warm and kind energy about her that makes my fandom experience far more enjoyable than it would be without her around.  

[qqueenofhades]

So after the spate of high-profile celebrity suicides recently, and the short-lived discussion of mental health that surrounds them (kind of like the way the gun control debate appears for a week after a mass shooting and then vanishes), I have had some probably disconnected thoughts that I finally felt like putting down somewhere (and honestly, I had most of this post typed up and then tumblr deleted it, so... round two and Fuck You Very Much Tumblr). I briefly thought about putting it on facebook, but a) fuck facebook, I’m barely on it anymore, and b) everyone that I care about is either or also here. So I guess it’s once more using the big blue hellsite as a diary, because I was awake until 1am last night talking to myself about this, and writing is how I work things out.

As ever, please do not feel obliged to read the post or whatever else, especially if you’re uncomfortable with the themes/subjects discussed. Again, it’s essentially for my own benefit and trying to organize things I’ve wanted to say, as a long-term sufferer of depression and anxiety who is also having a really tough time now, and how I see that reflecting on what’s happening both with me and the wider world.

Anyway.

I feel like my main reaction is one of weariness that so much of the response is “get help if you’re struggling! Reach out! Call someone! Things will get better!” Which is... helpful in its way, and I genuinely believe that the people reblogging suicide hotline numbers and “don’t kill yourself” posts and so on really want to help. I am not one to point fingers at anyone who really wants to reach out and do something to make a difference. But that’s also it? We’re barely getting to the place of recognizing depression as a legitimate problem and not stigmatizing people who have it (hah), but to me, it sounds so much like “well, I know you have two broken legs and can’t stand upright, but you should still go walk to the clinic and ask them to help you.” Again. Important. But why is so much of it centered around the assumption that the depression sufferer has the responsibility to go on an individual basis and try therapy or meds or whatever, while the mental health services that even exist are being slashed? While some people seem perfectly happy to talk about how mental health is the problem, and not readily legal assault rifles and a culture of white male entitlement and grievance), and the assumption remains that we can just treat depression on an individual, ad hoc basis, rather than looking at it systematically.

We’ve had a ton of studies and research showing that depression rates are way up, that a lot of people identify as having anxiety and mental issues and are messed up out the wazoo (which frankly, I think most of us are), and then the attendant “everyone’s a snowflake, buck up and take it on the chin!” backlash, because frankly the world is horrible and society sucks. (This opinion is sometimes subject to revision, but still.) Honestly, is this any surprise? When we’re in collapsing late-stage capitalism that has basically utterly fucked everyone born after 1980, we live in this awareness that things are systematically and unbearably evil and oppressive but the vast majority of us have no ability to do anything about that, and birth rates and marriage rates are declining because people (completely understandably) don’t want to bring children into this nightmare of a world and are realizing that traditional ideals of marriage and sexual morality are BS.... I mean, are we surprised that people just don’t want to live in this world anymore? When I find myself worrying about the idea of taking on another student loan (another of the basic commodities that it has become expected that you’ll go tens or hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt for) and then am like, “well, there’s a less than zero chance that Western civilization collapses in my lifetime/the next ten years, and I’m going to die in debt anyway, so...”, there’s a sense of surreality and almost despondency that we’re able to know more than ever how shitty things are, but again, can’t do anything about it. Again. We can’t fix depression by telling people individually to go try therapy or whatever else. It doesn’t get at the reasons that so many of us just can’t stand the world anymore.

I feel like I’ve settled well on my belief that people, even if often beholden to centuries-old bullshit and tribalism and prejudice, are individually good, often amazingly and soul-sustainingly so (I’m not joking when I say that I would probably be dead by now if not for the kindness of strangers and friends, including many of you who I’ve met here), but society and the overall structure is pretty much rotten. We find ways to manage, to exist, to ameliorate, to distract, and I am honestly delighted for the people who can live more or less happy existences despite everything, have found a way to do that. Again, this isn’t a “don’t go to therapy!!” sort of post, because yes, if you’re depressed, you have to decide whether and how you want to get better. But sometimes you just can’t fucking do that. You just exist this way and you know how it is and it becomes sort of familiar and accounted for. 

I’m lucky to be a mostly high-functioning sufferer, who has lived with long-term and chronic depression and anxiety since at least the age of 18 (and probably, through most of my childhood as well), which has left me latently suicidal, physically fucked up, mentally exhausted, and emotionally isolated for my entire adult life. But I’ve also managed to hold jobs and complete several advanced degrees and get out of bed and put on makeup and keep my commitments and so on and otherwise outwardly resemble a normal person. So I then read posts about people who can’t get out of bed or even brush their teeth, and I start wondering if I “really” have depression or it’s just an excuse or I’m a weak person or just broken somehow else. Which is 0% helpful and is the bad brain talking, as I recognize. Looking at me from the outside, it feels like you wouldn’t guess, which also seems to be a theme with the celebrities who died. They always seemed happy and well put together and confident, until they didn’t. I turn 30 this August, and feel about 800.

And yet. I have made the choice to live, and I have continued to make the choice, and I have learned that I have a lot of strength I didn’t know I did, and I am proud of that. But I also read a post by someone I otherwise admire and whose work I really like, about how you can’t ever have the life you want until you take suicide off the table as an option, as if you can just choose once to live and not think about it again. And I just am like... how? I’ve made it before and I’ll have to do it again, but god, I wish with my entire heart that I could just make it once and not look back. I wish I could ever be confident that I could say without qualification that I want to live more than I want to die. Because well, I DON’T want to die, not really. I find things that make me happy and that give me small joys and distract me and which I enjoy. I still have a lot of things I want to do (even while feeling I won’t get the chance) and feel like it would be stupid to die because my brain doesn’t work. So I’m still here. I’ve never made a serious attempt to kill myself, and I obviously hope that doesn’t change. But it remains in the back of my head, the idea that I just wish I could switch off for five years and come back and find that things have somehow worked out. Which obviously is not the way it works, and you don’t get to temporarily go away. But this world is so hard and so tiring to live in, and sometimes it gets to me.

As for the getting help part -- I’ve been trying to do that myself recently. Go to counselling services and the university support centre and whatever else, even though it causes me anxiety to the point of physically messing me up. It feels like being drunk or hungover or just off balance and unable to see or breathe normally. I convulse in bed at night and wake up just as tired when I went to sleep and just don’t feel like I run correctly. And this is from a relatively high-functioning person who isn’t trying to stop herself (at least currently) from suicide, but just enough to keep her going. I can’t imagine what it would be like to be a person depressed to the point of being unable to get out of bed, told to call someone or reach out or whatever else. That’s practically inhumane. We live, for better or worse, in a Western “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” culture that puts the onus on the individual to fix their own problems. When honestly, the collective society that exists right now is a toxic, oppressive, and impossible one that keeps chewing up people from every walk of life and which nobody with the actual ability to do anything about it seems to want to change. Encouraging individuals with depression to seek help is nice, sure. But until something fundamentally and permanently changes in society and how we view our obligations to each other and what we are willing to do to help and to change this culture that tells you you’re responsible for your own illness, people are going to keep dying from depression in droves, and everyone else is just going to figure we’re weak. Or there will be a short-lived mental health awareness campaign, and nice things will be said, and then it will be back to business as usual.  Because man, are we good at burying our heads in the sand for any number of things.

The choice to live doesn’t usually have the luxury of being made once and then never revisited. You have to do it yearly, monthly, weekly, sometimes even daily. And frankly, I don’t blame anyone who feels that the cost-benefit analysis doesn’t really add up to staying here anymore. I’m here certainly in part because of you here on tumblr, who have indirectly (and sometimes directly) saved my life. You have talked with me on text or email or in person for years, have read my fics and thought of things you wanted to tell me and sent me nice messages and otherwise made me feel less invisible. Your kindness has been often what has sustained me, and made me decide that I’d rather be here than anywhere else, and given me what little faith in humanity I have left. And one of the reasons I write all the time (books/fics/asks/metas/papers/theses/projects...etc) is because I literally cannot stand to live in my own head if I don’t. I do love creating things and am happy that people enjoy what I post here, and it’s a major source of pleasure and distraction for me. But I also do it because I will literally cease to function (in what limited capacity I have) if I don’t. I have to do it in order to live with myself and this monster at all, and that is also tiring. 

Overall, we’re all fucked-up people with a very dark sense of humor, whose compassion and conscience is about all we have going for us, and we just have to try to cling together and do for each other what we can. And god, I’m grateful for it. I have a lot of financial terror right now in addition to everything else, and am looking into the aforementioned student loan for short-term stabilizing (limited work rights are a Bitch), and I basically paid my rent last month because of you guys. So yeah, you’ve made the difference for a stranger on the internet being homeless or not, and I have no idea why, but please know that it means more to me than I can ever say, and I hope to give back what I can.

(I also still have a Kofi account, while I’m trying to get things under control here, so... again, entirely up to you.)

I’m not sure how I will make it to December and (supposedly, ha) my PhD graduation, let alone after that. I will probably have to choose to live again several more times between now and then, and then again after that. I hope I can continue to do that. And I hope I can talk to you, both if you need someone to listen and whatever I can do for you by that, and if I do the same.

If you’ve read all the way to the bottom, mazel tov.