#I should really tag my art cos I can’t find anything on my blog

[reagi-df]

I was staring at prison dimensions images for waaayyy too long and well… not even 24hrs later I have yet another au in mind…

But man the ideas I have for this one, 👀

[pengychan]

[Coco] Mind the Gap, Epilogue

Title: Mind the Gap Summary: Modern Day AU. Tired of Ernesto’s snide remarks, Imelda decides to put him in his place and her husband is more than happy to help. It was supposed to be a one-night deal. Things quickly get out of hand. [OT3, mostly porn and humor. Plenty of instances of Ernesto being Dramatic, Imelda getting Sick Of His Shit, and Héctor trying to be the peacekeeper. Don’t expect anything serious.] Pairings: Ernesto/Héctor/Imelda Rating: Explicit.

Art by @swanpit​.

[All chapters are tagged as ‘mind the gap’ on my blog.]

A/N: A family can be a mom, a dad, their baby, mom and dad's boyfriend who is also the baby's honorary uncle, a cat, and a total of five dogs. 

***

“You know, you and your brothers had been baptized long before you were six months old.”

The speakers are not on, but Ernesto is still able to hear every word Imelda’s mother is uttering due to the disease that seems to affect many people the age of fifty - the certainty you absolutely need to yell into the phone for your words to be heard on the other side.

Imelda would very much appreciate not hearing them, if the way she drops the side of her head against the passenger side window with a thunk is anything to go by. “I am aware, mamá,” she almost groans. “But we’re doing it now, no? We’re on the way there, by the way, that’s what I called to let you kno--”

“And I am glad, but I cannot see any reason why you had to wait this long.”

Imelda’s head thunks back against the window just as Ernesto changes lanes to get past a car whose owner seems to be missing the foot that’s supposed to go on the speed pedal. Somewhere in the back, Héctor groans quietly. 

“I had work to do, Héctor had work to do, and if we wanted to have the ceremony in Santa Cecilia we needed time to organize,” Imelda is gritting out. “I don’t see why we should have rushed things, considering that Coco is not at risk of imminent death. Nor has she had enough time to commit significant sins on the mortal plane.”

“Of course she has not, but you know it is important for babies to be baptized--”

“And besides, the Pope decided limbo is no longer canonical some ten years ago.”

“He also said it is no reason to delay--”

“Ah, we’re getting into a tunnel. Signal is bad. See you later,” Imelda snaps, and ends the call before dropping against the backrest with the expression of a luchadora who barely made it through the end of the match. “Remind me why cancelling the entire baptism out of spite is not a good idea?”

“Ceci worked really hard on the ropón and Coco looks beautiful in it,” Héctor speaks up.

“I already paid for the entire damn thing,” Ernesto supplies helpfully.

A chuckle. “Ay, we’re stuck, then,” Imelda says, and turns back to Ernesto. “... Sorry. What were you saying before the call again?”

“The concert next month. The latest piece Héctor wrote is a duet and we could use a woman’s voice. You should come with us, it will only be a couple of nights and you’d only need to be on stage for that song. Armando is already sold to the idea.”

It seems a very reasonable proposal to Ernesto, but Imelda frowns, pulling the car’s window down just enough to get some wind on her face. “I know he is, but I am not completely sold to the idea of leaving Coco in my brothers’ care for any amount of time.”

“It can’t be that ba--”

“You were not there when they came up with the self-rocking crib,” Héctor interjects from the back.

“The self-rocking crib?”

“Yes. Thankfully they tested it on Pepita first. She was not very happy about being ejected against the wall, but you know what they say about cats landing on their feet.”

“Ah.” Ernesto briefly debates whether he should tell them about the surprise the twins are planning. Not that he knows what the surprise actually is, they just briefly mentioned they were going back to Santa Cecilia a few days earlier than them to prepare… something. 

Ah, it will be fine. Probably. 

“Well, maybe we could find someone else to look after Coco,” he finally says instead. “Or keep an eye on them while they look after Coco. ”

Imelda hums. “I guess Ceci may be able to.”

“... Anyone else?”

“Don’t be like that, she’s her godmother.”

“Not yet she isn’t, you have time until tomorrow to change your min--”

“Your co-godparent,” Héctor pipes in. “Meaning that if anything happens to me and Imelda, you two will be morally obliged to step in and help her out. Together.”

“Uuugh. You both had better live long and healthy lives.”

A chuckle. “We’ll do our best,” Imelda promises, and for a time the car is quiet. Not for a long time, with Héctor speaking up again soon enough. 

“Are we there yet?”

Ernesto sighs. And there he hoped he would stop asking. “No.”

“My leg is all pins and needles.”

“Wouldn’t have happened if you sat like a normal human.”

“But Coco needed me to hug the baby seat, she wouldn’t settle otherwise.”

“Well, she’s asleep now. You can let go.”

Sprawled across the back seat in order to keep his arms wrapped around the sleeping child on the baby seat, his left leg folded awkwardly beneath him, Héctor shoots a very offended look which Ernesto glimpses through the rear view mirror.

“No,” he declares with all the defiance of a father refusing to hand over his baby to King Herod himself to be slaughtered in the Massacre of the Innocents. Ernesto shrugs.

“Suit yourself,” he says, and keeps driving. A boring task right now, the road straight and mercifully empty. They should be in Santa Cecilia within a couple of hours, he estimates, give or take a few--

“Are we there yet?”

“Por Dios, I was prepared for the baby to be insufferable throughout the trip, but you’re worse,” Ernesto groans. On the passenger seat, Imelda rubs her temple. 

���We could stop a few minutes, so Héctor can stretch his legs - don’t protest, you know you need it. I wouldn’t mind a break either,” she adds, and glances over at Ernesto. “Do you want me to drive the rest of the way? You’ve been at the wheel the entire time.”

“I can drive the rest of the way,” Héctor volunteers.

“Absolutely not,” Ernesto and Imelda say as one.

“Oh come on, if this is still about that thing with the level crossing in Colima, it was weeks ago and--”

“Coco is in the car,” Imelda reminds him, and Héctor promptly shuts up. When Ernesto pulls into a service station and stops the car in the small parking lot, he slowly disentangles himself from the baby seat. As Coco does not, in fact, bolt awake screaming in horrible pain the second he lets go, he finally gets off the car and takes a few steps. 

Or rather, hops awkwardly on one foot while trying to regain sensation in his left leg. Imelda watches him hop towards the toilet with a chuckle, and turns to put a hand on Ernesto’s arm. “I’ll be getting coffee for both me and Héctor. Knowing you, I assume you’d prefer a beer.”

“I’m supposed to be driving--”

“Look at you, being all resonsible with a baby on board. But no, you’re not. I’ll take over from here,” she cuts him off, and Ernesto smiles. 

“I’ll take two beers, then. One for me and one for the señorita in the back.”

Imelda laughs, and smacks his chest before she picks up her purse. “I’ll be right back. If the señorita in the back awakens and demands a drink, you know where the bottle and the thermos with her milk are.”

“I may have forgotten, Héctor only showed me sixteen times,” Ernesto calls after her, leaning against the side of the car. He arches his back to stretch, groans at the satisfying pop somewhere in his spine, and pulls out his phone. Sofía has sent him a photo showing the couch in Héctor and Imelda’s living room, currently occupied by four napping chihuahuas, an unimpressed-looking cat, and an upside-down Xolo dog.

Pet sitting them here is a lot better, she wrote. At least it’s not my shit they chew up. No shoes among the fatalities, though, so no need to castrate the big one. Tell Imelda that.

Ay, how unfortunate that Dante is getting the snip either way, Ernesto thinks, much like Diablo and Lobo did. He could have Clara and Zita spayed, true enough, but the procedure is more invasive and he’d rather spare them the ordeal if it can all be fixed, literally, by fixing Dante. They’ll book the appointment as soon as they get back, and then he and Héctor will have a drink in male solidarity. Soon, possibly before either Clara or Zita can--

“Bababababa!”

Ah, so the señorita is awake. Ernesto puts away the phone and sticks his head back into the car. “You called?” he asks, and Coco grins up at him with half a tooth, absolutely delighted. She reaches up with a squeal, and Ernesto grins back.

“You want me to pick you up? Is that it?”

“Aaaababah!”

“Is that a yes? I’ll take it as a yes.” Getting Coco out of her baby seat gets another delighted squeal out of her, chubby hands grabbing fistfuls of his shirt. He bounces her a bit and she gives a joyous laugh. “Ah, look at you. Don’t tell your papá I said it, but sometimes I get what he means when he--”

“BLEAGH!”

“Gah!” 

Getting half-digested milk and apple puree all over his shirt is not what Ernesto expected to happen, but in retrospect he probably should have. To his credit he doesn’t give in to his first instinct, which is to drop the baby to tend to his shirt, so he will get to live another day. He just stands there, staring down at his ruined shirt, holding Coco at arms’ length. 

Unaware - or maybe perfectly aware - of the mess she has made, Coco burps and laughs, legs dangling in what almost looks like a little dance. Ernesto sighs, and stares at her in the eye. “I take that back,” he informs her. Coco giggles. 

“... I suspect I know what that look means. I will not be the one to change your diaper.”

“Paaa.”

“Yes, exactly. We’ll leave it to your--”

“She’s awake! She didn’t cry, did she? Coco! Papá is here!”

“Paaaaaaaa!”

Héctor takes Coco from Ernesto’s hands with a wide smile, not even noticing the condition his shirt is in, and twirls around with her in his arms, making her laugh harder. Ernesto would warn him not to spin too much, but it seems she’d already emptied her stomach, the little demon. In the end he just scoffs, gives her an offended look she absolutely ignores, and grabs a clean shirt from his luggage in the back of the car before he heads for the toilets to try and somewhat salvage the one he’s wearing. Maybe if he washes off the worst of it now, his mother will know how to fix the rest. He’s halfway to the toilets when Imelda calls out. 

"Here's your beer, it's not as cold as you like it but-- ah. I see Coco got you."

Ernesto turns to meet her gaze, his expression solemn. “I am afraid your mother was right.”

“... Qué?”

“You’re too late. Your daughter has now definitely sinned on this mortal plane,” he declares. “Do you know how much I paid for this shirt?”

Imelda raises an eyebrow. “Ah, more than you should have. It doesn’t fit you that well. You should just arrive at your parents’ place shirtless. They’re used to seeing you shirtless by now,” she adds, and laughs at Ernesto’s indignant sputtering as he informs her that was low. 

But then she kisses him and promises she will keep his beer in the ice box fridge until he’s back, and he can find it in himself to forgive the affront after all.

***

“... And this my mamá, see? Emilia. She is your other abuela, can you say abuela?”

“Abbwaba!”

“Heh. Close enough, querida. Close enough” 

Sitting cross-legged before his parents’ grave, with Coco nestled comfortably in his arms, Héctor kisses his daughter’s head before turning back to the gravestone with a small smile. Ricardo and Emilia Rivera are smiling back from it, a few years younger than they were when they died. 

Finding that photo was a struggle, because the gas leak that destroyed his home spared none of the family albums. Ernesto nearly tore down his own home, but in the end he was able to dig up a bunch of photographs from one of their very last Nativity plays - and among them was one photo of Héctor, looking a little embarrassed in his angel wings and fake halo, with his parents beaming at either side of him. 

The original is now proudly displayed in the living room in Mexico City; Imelda’s parents have a copy, which Héctor always finds on their ofrenda when he and Imelda come to spend Día de los Muertos with them. Two cut-outs from a third copy are now gracing their gravestone.

I should make more copies. Just in case.

In his arms Coco squeals, and holds out a chubby hand towards the smiling faces of her grandparents. Héctor’s somewhat dampened smile brightens again. 

“Mamá, papá, meet Coco. She’s very happy to meet you.” He bounces the child a little in his arms. “She crawls everywhere and puts everything in her mouth, just like you said I did. And she's got my eyes! Yours, mamá. Not the nose, thank God - no offense, papá, but… come on.” He laughs a little. “Ay, I shouldn’t complain. I mostly grew into it, like you said I would. I’m sorry you didn’t get to see that you were right. I’m sorry you don’t get to be here today.”

Héctor pauses a moment, and kisses Coco’s head one more time before he speaks again. “... I wish you were here to give me advice, but I’ll do my best to be as good a parent as you were. I, uh. Well, my family is not really traditional now, I guess. I don’t know if you’d approve. I don’t know if you’d understand. I’m both relieved and sad I may never get to know, and then sad I’m relieved at all because-- either way, I wish you were here.” 

He pauses, and swallows. Oblivious to the painful lump in her father’s throat, Coco has managed to grab a flower and is trying to put it in her mouth. He takes it out of her hand gently, placing it back before the grave. “But I wanted to tell you, I believe I am doing the right thing. And I am very happy. We are all very happy, and doing our best, and that… that is the most important thing, I think.”

Their smiling faces stare back, forever unchanging. He never got to see their bodies - he was told it was for the best - and now he is glad of that. This is how he wants to remember them: whole, and alive, and always smiling. They would smile today seeing their granddaughter, he’s sure. He likes to think that somewhere, they still are. 

Coco sure is smiling plenty for someone with only half a tooth, still babbling and trying to reach out for the faces on the gravestone. Héctor holds her a bit closer, and her hands press on the glass over the photos like she’s trying to grab those smiles for herself. 

“Abbwaba,” she chirps, and laughs like someone just told a really great joke. 

Must be papá. Mamá’s jokes were terrible, Héctor thinks, and when Coco turns to look at him again, laughing, he laughs just as hard.

***

“Oh, you look so handsome!”

That is something Ernesto usually appreciates hearing - he appreciates it very much, truth be told - but it does lose some of its appeal when the person saying it is your mother as she circles you to make sure your jacket looks absolutely spotless.

“Uh, yes. So, are we ready to--”

“Isn’t he handsome, Estéban?”

Estéban de la Cruz, who clearly needs help getting ready far more than Ernesto ever did - anything vaguely more elegant than an undershirt seems to make him ill at ease - glances over and gives him a shrug that probably translates to ‘I have to listen to this every day, now it’s your turn’. 

“Looking good,” is all he says, causing Ernesto to blink. This kind of thing, his father looking at him and talking to him like a normal specimen of homo sapiens, is something he has yet to get entirely used to. He remembers times when he saw his father sitting on the couch while staring at the wall in an alcohol-induced stupor, and being both relieved and frustrated by it. A part of him rejoiced at the chance to just pass by unnoticed and spare himself one of his moods, while the other wanted to grab him by the shirt and shake him, knowing full well it would amount to suicide.

I am here, damn you. I’m right here. Look at me.

“So handsome,” Adela repeats for the eleventh time, snapping him from his reminiscence. “You know, you should find someone.”

As his father looks suddenly very busy fiddling with the buttons of his jacket, Ernesto holds back a groan. “Mamá, can we not--”

“You know Mirela’s son? He’s a nice boy too, and word is that he also may be--”

Oh no. No no no no no, this is not happening.

“Ay, look at the time, I really need to go! See you in church!” Ernesto yells, and sprints to the door, almost forgetting to pick up the sack of coins on his way out.

***

“That’s a very generous bolo.”

“Ugh, don’t remind me. Ceci would never let me hear the end of it if I gave anything less.”

“Ah, don't be modest. You wanted to be a good godfather and bring plenty of good fortune to your goddaugh--"

“No, it was definitely Ceci."

"Ah." As children swarm around them to pick up the frankly astounding amount of coins Ernesto has scattered around, Héctor laughs and puts an arm around his shoulders. “Ay, don’t worry, mi amigo. I have a song in mind that will more than make up for your losses.”

Ernesto, newly-minted godfather, snorts. “It had better,” he says, elbowing him in the ribs, but his lips are already curling in a smile. Héctor lets out a yelp that’s mostly for show, and looks over to where Imelda is standing, clad in a beautiful dress Ceci insists on tailoring just for her along with Coco’s pure white ropón.

“No, no purple, for God’s sake,” he remembers Ceci muttering as she took Imelda’s measures. “This is your child’s christening, not Lent!”

Imelda does favor purple over most colors, but she looks stunning in the blue dress as she speaks to guests, Coco squirming and giggling in her arms as Óscar and Felipe make faces at her. She gets to make some noise now, after being on her best behavior through… most of the ceremony, a few drum-shattering shrieks aside. Héctor finds himself smiling dreamily. 

“She is beautiful, isn’t she?” he sighs, and Ernesto raises an eyebrow. 

“Imelda, or Coco?”

“Both.”

“Heh. Yes,” Ernesto concedes. For a few more moments they just look on, side by side. For just a split second Héctor allows himself to wish circumstances would allow him to grab Ernesto’s hand, but he knows better than that; they will not go out of their way to hide, but they have got to be practical. If there is anyone present at the moment they may try to come clean to first, it’s probably-- ah, speaking of them…

“Ernesto?”

“Mmh?”

“The twins are planning something during the reception, aren’t they?”

“Of course they are. It may or may not involve explosive material.”

“Por Dios, tell me you talked them out of it!”

“Why would I? I like fireworks.”

To the boys’ credit, the display is pretty spectacular. The only casualty is a perfectly replaceable tablecloth, and Coco’s sheer delight as she claps at the lights, nestled in her grandmother’s arms, is well worth the loss. 

It also causes enough of a distraction for the three of them to slip their arms under the table and hold onto each other’s hands for a few moments, squeezing tight.

***

“Home, sweet home!”

Héctor’s dramatic declaration would be more accurate as ‘bed sweet bed’, really. When they made it back to their apartment it felt anything but sweet, with a baby cranky from the long trip and five dogs, plus a cat, either very offended by their absence or bouncing off the walls,  frantic for their attention after a grand total of two hours on their own after Sofía left. 

It took about an hour to put down their things, feed the pets, feed the baby, take the dogs out and put Coco in her crib. Then, and only then, can the three of them collapse on the bed and breathe in a sigh of relief. 

“We survived,” Ernesto mutters into the pillow. 

“Seems like it,” Héctor groans. “Now we can sleep.”

And then, of course, Coco starts crying. It takes Imelda approximately half a minute to pick her up, decide she’s not going to be able to keep standing on her own two feet long enough to soothe her, and return to their bed with her. She lays down with her and Coco settles quickly, nestled securely in her arms. She never moves around when asleep and Pepita is keeping watch as always, so it’s safe enough, Imelda reasons with a yawn. She only realizes she forgot to close the door when Pepita jumps in, curling up next to Coco. She groans. 

“For the love of God, close the door before--”

“BOOF!”

“Yip! Yip! Yip!”

“Agh-- Dante, no, wait--” Héctor trails off with a yelp when Dante jumps up on the bed, landing across his legs and just barely missing his crotch with a clumsy paw. Out of the corner of her eye, Imelda notices Ernesto reaching down. 

No dogs on the bed, she wants to say, but Dante is already up and she is tired enough to admit defeat, at least this once. She sighs and shushes Coco while she falls back asleep, trying to ignore Ernesto’s little monsters as they snuffle around to find a spot to snooze. Once they finally settle, Imelda closes her eyes and tries to sleep. And tries. And tries. 

On the pillow, Pepita is purring away. The dogs are mostly silent, except for the occasional twitch and half-snore. Coco is suckling on her thumb as she sleeps, Héctor is breathing with his mouth open as usual, and Ernesto is snoring softly behind her. She could blame any of those things for the lack of sleep, but she knows that’s not it. 

Finally, quiet and careful to stir no one, Imelda half-sits and looks across the bed she used to share with Héctor and no one else, and that used to feel so large. 

It’s quite crowded now, with the three of them and Coco resting on it, Héctors’ limbs splayed in all directions and Ernesto a solid presence behind her, their pets filling up all remaining space. Not a single gap left.

It is perfect. It is whole. 

It is home.

Imelda nods silently, and leans back down. She tucks a lock of hair behind Coco’s ear, kisses her forehead, and closes her eyes with a sated smile.

***

Aaaand it's over, yet another fic that got out of hand and ended up at least three times longer than planned! Hope you enjoyed the read as much as I enjoyed writing it.

(Also, letting a baby sleep in the Big Bed with mom, dad, their boyfriend who is also a honorary uncle, their cat and their five dogs is really cute in fiction, but can go very wrong in reality if someone turns in their sleep. Don't do that.)

[just-incorrect-beastars]

Beastars Fandom Interview!

This post starts a series of interviews I want to make to artists in this fandom! I’m really sorry for the delay with this, but I had to take care of some business irl! The first interview it’s with @dooptown, talented artist and writer of Craving More Than You’re Given, Beasts in The Stars and co-author of We’re Only Animals with @nilesthewhitetaileddeerqueer! Enjoy! If you want to submit other questions feel free to do it!

How did you get into the fandom?

My friend showed me its debut cover on Shonen Champion back in like 2016? At the time I thought the art looked weird so I put it on the backburner. Fast forward to May of 2017 and the same friend started reading it and recommended that I do as well. And the rest is history.

What do you feel about Beastars? Has it improved or not with the latest volumes?

My relationship with Beastars has definitely been complicated. If you go way back on my blog you're sure to find text posts of me complaining endlessly about it because that was back when I thought the whole thing would devolve into a romance story. I saw the romance between Haru and Legosi as forced and shallow (I don't think that anymore, although I do wish it was given more focus so we can really understand it). After the Meteor Festival Arc I got really invested in it, and I believe the Murder Solution Arc is the strongest in the story. The slice of life leaning of Legosi living on his own is really good too. Melon's introduction kind of marked the descent into the Weirdness we're seeing now. I love Melon to bits but the story right now is really weird and weird things keep happening. I still enjoy a handful of the chapters coming out currently, and the last few have been really great, but it's definitely not as good as it used to be. What I crave most from Beastars is slice of life.

Do you have a favorite character?

Overall? I'm not sure. I'll just say it's Louis.

You are considered one of the first Lougosi writers/artists and one of the most looked up to. How does it feel?

While there were certainly a handful of Lougosi fics before mine as well as some art, I do remember that ship being a bit barren when the manga wasn't as popular. I'm not aware of just how influential or far reaching my work with this ship is, since this is the internet and tracking that sort of thing is kind of impossible and I tend to be a bit of an aloof hermit. Knowing I'm relatively well known in a community I care a lot about is a nice feeling, though! But at the end of the day I'm a fan just like anyone else.

How has the fandom changed since you joined, especially since the anime came out?

It has blown up, that's for sure! The tumblr tag for Beastars back in 2017 was me and maybe four other regular posters, and I was the only artist posting consistent Beastars art back then (that I remember) As time went on it definitely gained in popularity, mostly by word of mouth, but even in March of 2019 it had a virtually empty Ao3 tag. So the anime, understandably, launched Beastars into the mainstream (or at least close to it). This is awesome and I love that it's seeing so much popularity and praise! Of course that also brings with it the ugliness of general Fandom Drama. Beastars Discourse is the most unwelcome thing to come of this popularity and it's the reason I no longer track the tag here on tumblr or look it up on twitter.

Your art is very popular. Have you ever thought of making a comic?

I would like to make comics but comic layout is intimidating and so is the whole process. Maybe one day.

 3 fics that you would recommend?

serendipity by elkieistrying

  Want a Haru/Juno story with a nice helping of Lougosi on the side? Serendipity can scratch that itch. Both ships are very well written and I love the characterization so much in this story.

Ashfall by Skeptacles

This fic doesn't seem to have many hits, and I think that's because people are turned away by it being a Game of Thrones crossover. As someone who has never read, watched, or even knows anything about Game of Thrones, I can say this fic is a great read! Skeptacles presents the setting and worldbuilding in an easy to understand way and if you have no GoT knowledge like I do, it simply seems like a Beastars Fantasy story.

To one I am tied, to the other I am true by Sinpie_Senpai 

This was the first Lougosi fic I ever read, and it is the second English Lougosi fic on Ao3. It was very influential to my decision to start writing Lougosi fic, and if you haven't read it yet I think you should.

How much have you worked on merging the manga’s plot and your story for Craving More Than You’re Given?

For CMTYG the merging of the plot just happened naturally. I started it in March of 2019 so at that point Legosi just had his birthday and hadn't seen Louis in a while, so I figured a birthday party would be a good reason for them to meet again. I wrote from there while also paying attention to where the canon plot was going to see what I wanted to incorporate.

You think you're gonna include the turf war in your fic? And are there any new characters you want to include?

Since this story was conceived long before this manga plot started, I won't be including it. Things are going to go very differently. As for new characters, I don't think so.

What inspired Beasts in the Stars?

As for Beasts in the Stars, I've always been a Sci fi fan. This story is loosely based on an AU I made for my OCs back in 2015, as well as some Sci fi ideas I've had bouncing around in my head for years. I can't point to any specific inspirations, but people compare it to Cowboy Bebop, which I can see since both of a laid back hard Sci fi aesthetic. I also write Star Fox fanfic, so I’m definitely using some of my experience from that. 

Legosi in the fic is homosexual or what? What about Louis?

Their sexualities will be explained, but I usually work off my headcanon of Legosi being bi and Louis being gay.

What other characters do you want to include in Beasts in the Stars?

BITS will hopefully include virtually every character from Beastars in some capacity.

What's the difference between writing a story more anchored to the manga and one that isn't?

Writing a fic that's manga-compliant is fun because you have to take into consideration past actions in the story and make sure it lines up with what they're doing in the fic. Of course, there's less freedom there, so that's why writing an AU also has its positives. Using the characters as a base to work off of in a new setting is very exciting.

Any spoilers you would like to share for both of them?

CMTYG: Next chapter is being written, and the summer clothes Legosi pics I've been drawing definitely play a role ;) 

BITS: Next canon characters you'll be seeing are the Drama Club folks. I hope people enjoy how I adapted them for this story.

And this was it! If you are an artist in the fandom and you want to partecipate to this please feel free to write me, I’ll get back at you as soon as possible!

[softest-cinnamon-roll]

Who are your favorite reddie bloggers and fic writers?

writers 

Leigh @s-s-georgie

Leigh is one of my favourite writers in the fandom, hands down. She has such a wide variety of fics, from soulmates to fluff, to horror. Her writing is so diverse and I can completely confirm that you will all love her fics! She also has an interactive fic which touches all corners of ships! She is also the queen of bottom Richie, so if you ever want to fill a bottom Richie need, she literally has a series called “Bottom Richie Extravaganza” so just head on over there and your needs will be fulfilled! She also doesn’t just write Reddie fics, she has got a whole series for Rarepairs which include; Stozier, Steddie, Hanzier, Stanlon, Bichie, Benverly, Stenbroughzier, Stenbrough and Streddie.

AO3 - leighwrites

Favourite Fic - Liberté

El @tozier-boy

El is my best friend and my first real friend in the fandom. She is such an amazing fic writer but an even more amazing artist. If you reach out to her, she will be open to commissions so if you’d like her to draw you something then just drop her a message! Her art is so unique and beautiful, and her interpretation of Richie is just…damn. In regards to her writing, she has written a few amazing Reddie fics and has even collabed with me on the Titanic Fic and Anastasia fic. I highly suggest you check out her stuff, she is a genius both with words and with art.

AO3: Enj0ltaiRe

Favourite Fic: This is where I leave you (sitting in a palace, covered in gold inside my head)

Art Tag | Ko-Fi

Monse @jem-carstairs-is-perfection

Oh my god, if you ever want to read nothing but reddie fluff, Monse is the person you want to go to. She is so talented with her interpretation of reddie and how beautiful their love is. Smut? Amazing. Fluff? Gorgeous. Angst? On point. She also has an amazing Harry Potter Au that was co-written with Amelia, that you definitely have to check out! She also doesn’t only write for Reddie but for; Bichie & Stanlon that you definitely have to check it out, you won’t regret it.

AO3: Mseg_21

Favourite Fic: one caramel macchiato, on me 

Allie @tozierking

Allie, the Queen of Smut, one of my favourite long time writers! She has written so many amazing fics for the reddie fandom that you absolutely just have to go and check them out. She has a fic called “to all the dicks that worked before” which is a friends with benefits fic that you all need to read. As I mentioned before, Allie’s smut is literally the best thing you’ll ever read so please, please go check out her blog and her writing!

AO3: morganlights

Favourite Fic: relationship status: dumbass 

Ashley @richietoizer

Ugh, Ashley. Ashbot. Another one of my all time favourite writers in this fandom because most of her fics feel really realistic. They have the perfect balance between romance, smut and angst that it is just…perfect. Her sitcom style fic is just, ugh, the best thing I have ever read in my life. It’s called Semi Charmed Life and it’s…yeah. It’s a definite must read. She is also the writer of the runaway reddie fic series…which is one of my all time favourite AUs, just saying! 

AO3: ashleygail

Favourite Fic: No You Can’t Fence Time, And You Can’t Stop Love 

Amelia @tinyarmedtrex

Amelia is an author who has literally written almost every type of AU out there, and all of them are amazing. From Reddie to Stanlon (and even some non IT Fandom pairings) she is exceptionally talented. Some of her fics that you definitely need to check out include; Cruise Control, Rattle the Stars and The App. She also writes for Stanlon (her favourite couple let’s be honest), Stenbrough, Stozier and Benverly. Also, her favourite trope is fake relationship so if that is your trope then you’ve come to the right place!

AO3: tinyarmedtrex

Favourite Fic: Operation: Hawaii Honeymoon 

Diana @thundercatseddie

Diana is a new writer to the fandom, but don’t let that detter you as she has written so many amazing fluffy reddie prompts that will rot your teeth! She is a great writer that will make you smile and cry at the same time. She has also written a bottom Richie fic, which is so damn hot so please check it out! I was also one of the first people to follow her and send her a prompt that resulted in the cute fic “Coffee Shop Angel” so go read that!

AO3: dianawritesfic

Favourite Fic: Make It Up To You

Meg @that-weird-girls-blog

Meg (previously @mrs-vh) is such a talented writer and you should all go and follow her new blog that she made! ^^. Not only does she write some beautiful reddie fics, but she has also written a lot of Stanlon that you definitely need to check out if you like those soft boys. Her mermaid Eddie fic is beautiful and you should all give it a read, as well as her fake boyfriend Stanlon fic!

AO3: mrs_vh

Favourite Fic: The One Where He Is A Dog Walker 

Ruve @eduardoandale

Ruve! My cute beautiful amazing Australian love! She is such a cute, lovely amazing person who deserves so much love from everyone so please go follow her, you won’t regret it! She hasn’t written a lot of fics, but the ones that she has as cute and sweet and just…damn yeah. So adorable. She is also such an amazing friend so yeah, she is just so funny and cute.

AO3: Ruve

Favourite Fic: Resolution

Emily @reddie-for-anything

Emily was one of the first writers that I discovered in the fandom, and since then her fics have only just gotten better! Her use of description in the fic is just, wow, so amazing and it really puts you in the scene. She is also a writer who writes for other pairs other than Reddie. Stozier, Stanlon, Kaspbrough, Benverly. You have loads to choose from! Her Baseball Eddie fic is amazing as well as her fic “Sex sent me to the ER”. Go check out her fics!

AO3: the_lazy_eye

Favourite Fic: Pastel Sprinkles 

McKenna @oldguybones

Okay, where to start with McKenna? She is so amazing and her works never fail to disappoint me. If you like cute fluffy fics, as well as fics with a sprinkle of angst? McKenna is your woman. I can’t say that I have read a fic by her that I haven’t loved with my whole soul, so you certainly won’t be disappointed with what you find when you check out her blog and her fics. She is also a writer who writes for Benverly, Stozier and Stanlon, which is always a bonus in my eyes!

AO3: Oldguybones

Favourite Fic: On The Air

Xander @xandertheundead

One of the first ever fics I read from Xander was her little drabbles about Richie being an artist and falling in love with the mysterious EFK. That fic is so intriguing you must definitely have to check it out. She has a perfect mix of fluff and angst, which is an almost equal balance. She also has a damn amazing Superhero AU called “Unconditional” that you absolutely must check out!

AO3: Xander_The_Undead

Favourite Fic: Color You Mine 

Sorch @queen-sock

Sorch has written some beautiful, sweet fics that would just melt my heart. The 14:23 from FL to ME? Gorgeous! She also has written some amazing smut fics, so you should definitely check out that fic also. There is a whole treasure trove of fics there that you all need to check out!

AO3: thefutureisbright

Favourite Fic: Sugar, Honey, Honey 

Sara @richietoaster

Sara, once again one of the first writers I came across in the fandom when I joined two years ago. All of her fics just make me smile, as they are all so fluffy and happy. Her smut is also on point, but it is also like…romantic at the same time? Just, please go read her stuff, she is amazing. Her ‘Best of Me’ fic? Gorgeous. I love her a whole lot so yeah, go check her out!

AO3: richietoaster

Favourite Fic: Steady Feet, Don’t Fail Me Now

artists

Gwen @caliceal

Oh my god, this art is just, some of my all time favourite art that I have ever seen in my entire existence. Each update brings a smile to my face and it is even better than the last. She deserves so much recognition for their work so please, go follow them and like and reblog their work because it is really, really just perfect!  Not sure if she has a Ko-fi or does commissions but if you ask I’m sure you’ll get a reply.

Madi @madi-artist​

Madi! A new friend I have made in the recent months and her art is stunning! I can’t really describe my feelings when I see the art by Madi as it always just, makes me smile like a crazy person. If you don’t follow her, please go and follow her now and search through her art tag! It’ll make you smile, I promise! She also does accept commissions, but unsure of the completion timeline. Just pop her a message if you’re interested!

Holly @violetreddie​

Holly is also another new friend I have made recently and she is so kind and sweet, I love her so much. She is an artist and her work is just beautiful. The style and the detail that goes into each one of her drawings just amazes me. So please, go give her the recognition she deserves! Not sure if she has a Ko-fi or does commissions but if you ask I’m sure you’ll get a reply.

Lili @liliemm

Lili! Damn, Lili is such a talented and sweet human being. She is so helpful and sweet and her art? Damn her art is well…a work of art! Her version of Eddie is just so cute and beautiful, so much detail is put in and she even filled a commission for me for one of my fics, so you should definitely go follow her for her amazing work! You won’t regret it!

Ko-Fi

@slashpalooza

To be honest, Slash is one of the best artists for fanart I have ever seen in my life, and this is before I even get to the brilliance that is the reddie-fancomic. If you haven’t read it, please go check it out, as it is so brilliantly done. I won’t give away any spoilers, so please just go and check it out. If you guys also want to see uncensored chapters to the fancomic, sign up to be a patreon for her! I’ll link it below!

Patreon || Ko-Fi

Michelle @ayyyymichele

Ahh, Michele’s work is like, the cutest damn thing you’ll ever see! She is also the runner of the ask-eddiekasp blog, which is literally a blog filled with amazing art by this lovely human being, done in the form of an ask blog. Seriously, go and check it out, it is just so damn cute and ugh, I am just smiling writing all of this. Not sure if she has a Ko-fi or does commissions but if you ask I’m sure you’ll get a reply.

A/N: This fandom is just full to the brim with so many amazing writers, artists, moodboard makers, playlist creators, you name it the fandom has it. Sometimes we need to just take a step back and appreciate the content that these amazing people create for us. Please take the time to go and follow everyone on this rec list, as they really do provide us with the content we love and treasure and help keep the fandom alive. That’s all I really have to say, this was pretty long winded so I’ll cap it off here. Thank you for listening to my rambling :D

[twdeadfanfic]

Drinks and Braids

Daryl Dixon x Reader

Summary:  1236 words (wops) drabble with the prompt “Sshh, stop fussing, I’m braiding your hair!”, Alexandria era, set after Deanna’s party. Requested by @fabii101

You can find more Daryl x Reader stories in the masterlist linked in the description of this blog.

......................................................

As you stumbled out of Deanna’s house, you realized you were a bit tipsy. Maybe quite a bit tipsy…

The last time you had drank alcohol must have been that night you spent at the CDC, but you had decided that since you were at a party with drinks available and you had to interact with nosy people that you didn’t know, you deserved to have some drinks. You had ended up drinking more than you had initially thought, the alcohol had soon gone to your head, but that just made it easier to have fun and talk to people, and so you had kept drinking and drinking

Maybe you should have stopped more than a couple of drinks ago…you had turned into a giggling, oversharing mess, which you’d regret as soon as you were sober enough to think about it. Now everything was spinning and you felt like you were burning, the reason why you had decided to go out and get some air.

You spotted Daryl at the end of the street and you smiled. Your favorite person was joining the party! You had thought he wasn’t coming. He was your crush too, had been for a long while, though nobody knew…well, not until you had started talking about him at the party, not that you had realized it.

Daryl wasn’t moving, though, and so you decided to go get him. You stumbled down the stairs of Deanna’s house, tripping a bit at the last one… because of those new boots you weren’t used to and not because of the drinks you had, you were sure.

You made a beeline towards Daryl…or you did in your head, not noticing how uncoordinated you were, tumbling slightly from side to side. Daryl frowned as you approached him, but you didn’t notice, grinning as you greeted him.

“Daryl! I’m so happy you came! I thought you wouldn’t!” You rushed the last steps towards him but ended up tripping over, though Daryl was quick, reaching out to grab your arms and prevent you from falling down. “Wops, I can’t walk with these boots, they are pretty but I think they’re not my size.” You giggled and Daryl just frowned more.

“Are you drunk?”

“No, well…a bit tipsy…” You giggled again. “But it’s a party! Come on, let’s go.” You reached to take Daryl’s hand and lace your fingers, tugging, but he didn’t move.

“I think you had enough.” He was looking at you half concerned half amused. “I’ll walk you home.”

“But you’ll miss the party…”

“I wasn’t going inside anyway, I was going to go home…” Daryl shrugged.

“You look so sad since we arrived here… I hate it. I don’t want you to be sad.” You pouted. “Just tell me what’s wrong and I’ll fix it. If I have to kick someone’s ass I will. If you want to leave I’ll go with you.” Maybe the alcohol was making you be more honest than you usually would, but you meant every word. “But I think this place could be good for you too…”

Daryl was looking at you with a soft smile. He let go of one of your hands to brush his knuckles over your cheekbone ever so softly, making you grin and lean into his touch. You didn’t think he had ever shown you that kind of physical affection.

“You’re more than tipsy, Y/N. Come on, let’s go home.”

“Noooo!” You pouted again. “You don’t want to go to the party, okay, cool. But I don’t want to go home yet…” You looked around and pointed at one of Alexandria’s green areas. “Come, sit with me.”

Daryl rolled his eyes, shaking his head, but he let you tug him with you and you both sat down on the grass. You kicked off the uncomfortable boots, stretching your toes, smiling as you felt the grass and the mug against your feet. You turned to look at Daryl, who had been watching you but he looked away when you looked at him.

“Your hair looks so soft…” You thought aloud. Daryl arched an eyebrow at you, seeming amused but mostly confused. You reached out and stroke Daryl’s hair, it felt so soft too.

“What you doing?!” Daryl snapped, pulling away from you.

“Shh. Stop fussing!” You shifted onto your knees and ran your fingers through a strand of his oh so soft hair. “I’m braiding your hair!”

“Y/N!” Daryl complained, shaking his head to free his hair from your grap.

“Come on, indulge me on this…” You looked at Daryl with begging eyes and pouty lips. He rolled his eyes, letting out a sigh, but he stopped trying to pull away.

Humming softly, you braided one of the strands closer to his face into a tiny braid. You didn’t have a hair tie so you secured the end of the braid with a bobby pin you took out of your own hair, and then you did the same at the other side of his head. Lastly, you took the last two bobby pins of your hairdo, letting your hair fall free, to pin the couple of tiny braids back. You looked at Daryl, surveying your work, and you grinned and giggled. He was looking away from you, cheeks blushed red.

“So handsome! Like a prince charming…” You let out a dreamy sigh and Daryl scoffed, reaching to take off the braids, but you slapped his hands away. He grumbled something but stopped trying. “Not that you aren’t always handsome…cos you really are.”

Daryl’s eyes snapped to you at that, looking at you as if you had gone crazy or as if he thought you were making fun of him. You didn’t notice, though, and you kept talking...or rather oversharing again.

“But if only you were handsome…but no, you gotta be smart too, and brave, and loyal, and kind, generous, with the best heart, and so on, and so on…” You almost sounded frustrated. “How’s people supposed not to fall for you.”

Daryl kept looking at you as if you were crazy, cheeks burning, and then he shook his head. “How much have you drunk, girl?”

“I’m not that I drunk!” You protested. “Although…yeah, okay, maybe I’m drunk.” You giggled. “But I mean every word.” You did. Not that you wouldn’t be embarrassed about having said all that in the morning, if you remembered it.

Daryl wasn’t saying anything, too dumbfounded and shy to be able to find words, though you were oblivious to it. You let yourself fall down onto your back, lying down over the soft grass.

“I like you a lot, Daryl…” You whispered, closing your eyes and reaching out blindly until you found his hand and laced your fingers, barely noticing his twitching nervously.

“You should go home and sleep.” He managed to murmur.

“Just five minutes more…”

You ended up falling asleep there. Daryl knew he should wake you up, drag you home and get you in bed… his mind was too busy to do anything but think, though. He thought about your words, what you had said about him…he thought about how it made him nervous and uncomfortable but at the same time made something twirl inside his stomach and his heart speed up…he wondered if it was real, or if it was the alcohol. He wondered if you’d remember it in the morning. He wondered if he’d dare to ask you in the morning if you really meant it…

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I hope you enjoyed this little thing, if you have a moment please drop me a comment with your thoughts.

As always, english is not my mother language, so sorry if there are mistakes.

If you want to be (un)tagged let me know!

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[branch--chief--faba]

Branch-Chief--Faba

It's me, the former owner of branch-chief--faba. 

Someone I know pointed out the post @trash-troll made and after reaching out to them they did imply me with their post. So let's start out with the obvious; me writing this post means I'm alive.  Though I should add 'barely' to that. 

Trash-Troll showed me screenshots of people talking about me. And after them convincing me to do it I've decided to write my version of what happened or more importantly.. how I feel about the whole thing. I am not here to debunk anything.. because it will become a he said/she said thing. Let’s just go into this wall of text by saying both parties fucked up.

The end of 2017 and all of 2018 were pretty bad for me, mentally. I was hurt and lost and I didn't know what to do. A year prior to that I made the blog.  It was fun! I never had so many people reaching out to me and willing to spend time to me. That was a whole new experience and in hindsight I didn't know how to deal with it. This isn't me debunking or saying something did or didn't happen but I guess I was in over my head. I had never been popular or even had friends before. Or friends who weren't forced to hang with me because of college or them being co-workers. You know how proud I was that people found me cute or pretty when I posted a selfie? Yeah that never happened before. It boosted my self esteem sky high. 

I did some things that in hindsight weren't smart or downright stupid. I let people play me. I fought battles for people I should have never fought. I was just so afraid that if I didn't do it- they leave and I'd be alone again. I didn’t purposely stick my nose in other’s business. I just wanted to help and now i feel that some people really took advantages of that. In that sense this blog was both a blessing.. and a curse for me. I was so obsessed with keeping everyone happy that I forgot my own happiness and I forgot to look further than the tip of my nose and to please some people I hurt some others, unintentional at the time.. but I understand now and I’m sorry.

I can only apologise for it now. I am to blame for my actions even though they were inspired by others and sometimes it was peer pressure.  I admit that I should've been stronger when i was in a discord made to slam a group of people. I've been a fool and absolutely stupid. You know those PSA’s when they tell you doing nothing is as bad as the bullying? Yeah. At times i was the bystander... and I wish I could undo it but I can’t. 

I feel like (now that I've seen screenshots..) that sometimes I was set up to vent about a person only for it to be shared. Was it fair for me to vent? Yes and no. In my eyes- I was hurt by a few people and I thought the person i was talking to (this venting only happened one on one, never in a group.) was someone I could trust. I know better now and I feel stupid. I said things in pure emotion and in confidence. I was angry and hurt and I just wanted to vent those feelings. Again, I'm the fool for walking into such an obvious trap. I don't blame anyone but myself. I should’ve know better. I really should. However, this isn't just about me. 

There are things people did that are wrong too. Things that hurt me. I will never forget me finding the courage to call someone out on how their actions harmed me mentally and them saying that 'It was my own fault for being too emotionally attached to them'. That's painful and that hurts, even today it haunts me to my core. 

I won't forget that I was doxxed, that i got daily anons to kill myself, that they wish I had cancer, etc.  Even though I enjoyed writing Faba up till that point I just had to slow down. I had up to 1000 asks at the end of it and a lot of them were nasty anons. I deleted one and two came in it's place. Eventually I just had to stop for my own sanity.  I know people suggested and would suggest now that I just should’ve turned the anons off but again. I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I thought that turning them off would mean people wouldn’t like me anymore, because there were good anons too! I figured ‘why should they suffer because of a few’ and in hindsight.. I should’ve just turned the anons off. I know hindsight is 20/20 but.. 

It was around that time almost everything went sour and I still don't know why. This is not me being a idiot, I really don't know why. I am still so socially awkward and figuring out human emotions is hard for me. Sometimes I don't understand until someone tells me 'Hey I'm mad at you because you did X or Y' I'm working on it though but it's not easy.

I won’t forget how a duo of a cis man and a cis woman reached out to someone and pretended to be a gay couple. And I will never forgive myself for not stopping it.  And if you were the victim of this and if you read this then I’m so sorry. Know that I am absolutely disgusted with myself.

I will not forget how a new discord was made without me.. and the reason I wasn’t welcome? I was a supposed transphobe. I am not. Since deleting I’ve had A LOT of time to myself and I came to few conclusions about my gender and my sexual identity. DO NOT even think about use my dead name. I can’t believe someone would say that about me. 

I know people think I’m just some money hound and out for that but I’m not. I don’t give a single shit about money. I care about happiness and I’m not getting it and because of it I’m not growing as a person.

I won’t forget how hurt I was by the actions of a few. And I can’t forget because I feel it .. even today. It consumes me and I already hear people laughing about it. Because ‘haha look at this dumb fuck, right? It’s been a year.” but I just can’t. It’s etched so deep inside me that it makes me sick. 

I know you know who I'm talking about it. And I know you know it's you. I’m doing a favour and not tag anyone I’m going to leave the responsibility to owe up to your actions to you and if you don’t.. then that also speaks volumes about you as a person.  And those people I'm talking about need to take a good hard look at themselves. Instead of posting that 'the evil is defeated' gif or celebrating someone deleting out of despair. Because this is not the only story to tell. There are LOADS more. Trash-Troll showed me. Please just be kinder..

I cannot change the past and I will never deny myself having some part in it.. but no one should feel like I do over fandom stuff. NO ONE. And no one can really help you if you see someone get doxxed, bullied or threatened and you sit back thinking 'eh they deserve it' no one deserves it. I know we live in an age where internet is part of our lives. But for many the internet is a safe space where they can just be a little looser than usual.  Just block people.

What happened after I left this blog? I started by deleting my Discord, there were too many bad memories attached to it so I just dumped the whole thing out. I send a message explaining why I did it and send a few people who I thought I could trust my new discord. That not a single soul accepted my new friend request.. yeah that stung pretty hard. So, after keeping it up for two months and resending the friend requests.. I just deleted that one too. 

I stopped using my other socials, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram. I had to quit my job. If you can recall it wasn't a job that required a lot of thinking so my thoughts were allowed to run wild. Sometimes I started working and I just didn't know how I got to the end of my shift. It was just.. there. I'd black out thinking about the whole mess. I was feeling numb for months, nothing would bring me joy or sadness. It was like I was stuck in the ocean. Just below the surface and not being able to reach out. I could see people on the shore and I could swear they could see me too, but it was safer to let me drown. 

I deleted all my tumblrs too. All of them. I didn't want anything to do with this place. I moved to twitter for a bit when I got lonely but that didn't stick. I had a few odd conversations but Twitter isn’t really the best place to talk about things I figured. 

I tried to get myself to draw and write again but I couldn't.. I just couldn't.  I tried but every time I opened a word document or put pen on paper I'd get antsy and panic-y.  I couldn't bring myself to create anything at all. Not writing, not art, nothing. Even drawing original characters or other fandom stuff. I couldn't. 

I was and still am too afraid to share anything with anyone.  My brain goes through a whole series of 'what ifs' when i'm trying to write or draw. "What if they like it and we get talking and I mess up again." or "What if I put a lot of effort in a work and people will ignore it on purpose because they know it's me?" those kinds of thoughts.  

My whole memory is warped. What really happend and what did my brain make up. I am not saying I’m not to blame for things, either partly or wholly but I NEVER had the intention to hurt people on purpose. I’m not hiding behind anything but fact remains that I am socially malformed. I don’t understand things. I spend the first 16 years of my life basically talking to no one and when I did.. I was the ‘weird kid’ or I heard my peer saying ‘Don’t talk to the freak.. so weird!’  I was never raised to be social and then I was dropped in a very social group full of very colourful people.I didn’t know how to handle it and it drove me literally nuts. 

I feel into a deep depression and the last two months of 2018 are a haze for me. I barely remember anything. I don’t remember Christmas, I don’t remember New Years. It’s a blur.  I almost died a couple of times, it's no secret. And for that I have the permanent reminder...  I'm glad I didn't do it though.

Now it's 2019 and 2019 is almost over; how am I doing now? 

Not much better. I still have the fear to create. I want to but I can’t. I still barely touch my socials because of my paranoia of people finding me and the whole circus starting again.  I use my instagram because of cosplay commission stuff and I only use my Twitter to support some artists on there. Even then I keep this ‘neutral-someone-everyone-can-like-persona’ just this safe ‘brand type’ posts. 

I'm only back on Tumblr for this and I won't be coming back. This isn't a revival tour. It's like one last song to send everyone on their way. 

Please leave others alone. I truly am not on Tumblr and do not plan to come back not now or ever. I do not have a sneaky hidden blog. All the blogs I used to own are either dead or I just gave it to people who used to own blogs with me.

It's very painful for me to write this all out. I know I'm missing a lot of parts. To summarise;  while I did some things that I'm not proud of. I cannot believe the lengths people went to to make me feel horrible about myself. 

I cannot believe you guys would share some things about me that I wanted to keep private. That I thought was pretty private and you would understand.  I'm sickened by the lies told about me and disgusted that it's still going in 2019, almost a year after I deleted everything. 

I gave my new discord to people and those people never accepted and that's fine, it hurts but it's fine. I never bothered them or sought contact. I will admit that I once accidentally send a snapchat to someone.. but I promise that was an honest accident. I didn’t mean to. But I just don't get the feeling the same thing is happening and I have proof from people that I'm right.  

Can you not post my trauma for all to see? That's not justice that's just being a dick... I have no other word for it. Being an evil dick. I never spoke badly about any of you after the whole thing. I will admit that .. in my anger when it all was going on, I did vent to people and TRUST me I regret that. I thought it would stay between us but it leaked.. 

Do the same for me and please have the decency to apologise for the things you did and just..  stop putting my private shit online without my consent. What I shared, I shared because I felt I could trust people. It was never about sympathy because I do not want it. 

You gain nothing except the satisfaction that you gave me a kick again by sharing it. Which is a horrendous move. You’re not getting even, you’re winning at being a dick.. 

I want to be left alone. I want that confirmation of 'hey we're leaving you alone now'. I want to go back before I was paranoid. It’s not a fun thing. It’s maddening to think something behind EVERYONE’s action. Deep down.. I know better but I can’t stop. It’s a problem and I’m working on it.

I want NOTHING to do with Pokemon OR it's fandom.  I won't be purchasing games or other media from it. I just gave away my copies of the 3DS games to people who wanted them. The whole thing is too triggering to me. 

I wish I could pick up a pencil or pen and draw and write again without having a panic attack and I wish I could show myself on my private social media again without people watching me. 

I know you guys doxxed me before using my Facebook- It's not weird of me to think people could do it again.

I don't mind it, if you hit me up and talk to me via this blog. You can reply to this post or just us DM.  My only rule is to be civil. I am being civil too even though I feel empty, numb and sick. 

And finally.. I apologise for EVERYONE who people thought were me. You don’t deserve that. No one does. 

Well I guess this mystery is solved, what happens next is wholly up to you. I am not going to reach out myself. I made that promise. 

I’m posting this because I have nothing else left to lose. Please show me you’re capable of human decency.  And some things only God can forgive. That goes for me too. 

And just to proof it’s me; I will be tagging this post as I always did; using my old tags. 

[drowningcomicart]

time to wrestle with the pigs i guess, because this has got to end right the fuck now

content warnings for this post include pedophilia mentions, abuse mentions, suicide/suicide baiting, and csa mentions, and to everyone not involved hi, this has been my life for almost a year, it’s a lot of bullshit so tread with caution i guess. (and no i’m not putting it under a read more because this is important.)

with that out of the way, i want to make it very explicitly clear that i’m not writing this post as an apology, nor am i going to ‘justify’ myself because there’s nothing to fucking justify. but i’m addressing it because we’ve officially hit november, and that means that for nine fucking months, i have heard every disingenuous opinion on this mess there is to hear, whether i wanted it or not. and i am tired, and i am done, but y’all wanna keep beating this horse, so here i am.

for those who are unaware, in february of this year someone in the fantroll circle--or at least the one i’m part of--was being unjustly harassed by some dumbass teenagers with a chip on their shoulders and nothing better to do. and because no one else was saying or doing anything, i made a post calling out the stupidity of bothering someone over an art style and if they were blown, they should just block and move on. i never mentioned the harasser’s usernames, not even in the tags. but i guess the ringleader’s guilty conscience took over, because they came crytyping at me in a dm to take the post down and how it wasn’t faaaaiiirrr. and when i gave no sympathy, saying i had not mentioned them by name and if they felt guilty, maybe they shouldn’t be a vicious asshole to people, magically they weren’t sad and anxious about how people would treat them (ha) anymore; they got mad. mad enough that they started a smear campaign against me under the guise of Protecting The Community and horribly twisting one of my characters into something he’s not so they could call me a pedophile.

he is a csa survivor. he has bad coping mechanisms for that trauma, and yes, it is dark. it is uhealthy and sad and tragic and awful. but it is still part of his story, and i am not going to shy away from telling it. and since that entire blog always had nsfw tagged, and unless tumblr was fucking around should not have been accessible to anyone under 18 in the first place, the abusive little shits who made it their personal goal to drive me out of the community, off of tumblr, and apparently hopefully into killing myself, should not have been able to see that content at all. unless they chose to, and again as mentioned above, it was definitely a choice. a choice born of spite and violence, because it was ONLY to have “dirt” on me when i called them on their shit behavior. because, i cannot stress this enough, it was never ever about pedophilia. it was about a power struggle. a made up stupid power struggle they felt the need to ‘win’ at any and all costs, including making a wildly serious accusation with no substance, altering screenshots to serve their purpose, and taking everything out of context to suit their narrative. and this is how it is for literally every single anti-based argument out there.

now we all know how i feel about the purity crusade happening on this dumpsterfire of a website, but in case you don’t THERE IS NO CASE WHATSOEVER IN WHICH DARKFIC IS THE SAME THING AS REAL LIFE CRIMES. if you disagree with that, please block me. please. literally right now. block me. block me and go away and i only pray you learn to separate fiction from reality and don’t turn into what these demons are. because i don’t care how much you disagree with someone, i don’t care how much you don’t like them, i do not care about any of it. your presence in those spaces is your choice. because despite what antis will have you believe, people writing and drawing this stuff always--and i will say always knowing you’re smart enough to not give me The One Exception as your airtight strawman to render every other argument invalid--tag it, keep it in adult-only spaces, and are responsible enough to know what ‘i understand and wish to continue’ buttons mean.

and so, knowing that fiction does not equal reality, and that the spaces these fictions are written in are inherently designed to make it so only people who say yes i wanna see it can access it, or hell even knowing basic fucking human decency, there is NO reason to suicide bait someone. ever. period. do not tell people to die you actual fucking monsters. people HAVE killed themselves. and if you’re okay with that, if you are really seriously willing to say someone deserved to die over fiction, block me. i don’t want to see anything from you until you find your humanity again. and yet here i am, again 9 months after the fact, and people are STILL messaging me about it. even my would be supporters, the ones who claim they’re only concerned for my reputation or whatever, are being disingenuous and victim blaming. all i have heard is “you should prove your innocence cos you’re making people uncomfortable otherwise”. it belies their stance on these things; that they secretly agree it’s ok to harass content creators so long as they can pretend to themselves it’s justified in some small way. that if someone doesn’t want to give their abusers--and internet harassment IS abuse do not @ me on this one--a platform, it’s the same as admitting they’re correct, no matter how absurd the lie. Yet they do nothing to show support for people being harassed because they’re too concerned with living in their comfortable bubble to make even the smallest effort to oust abusive jackasses from their own community, and then go on to bellyache that the fandom “isn’t what it used to be” and wonder “where everyone went”.

with any luck, they’re like me and they “went” to doctors and got medicated for the depression and anxiety this sort of shit exacerbates, and blocked all involved for their own sanity and because they don’t owe anyone shit. but more likely, from what i’ve seen? they’re dead. and if that makes you sick, if that makes you uncomfortable, it fucking should. people are fucking dead because of fictional characters, from a source that in and of itself deals with very upsetting and adult themes using child protagonists. regardless if they’re survivors of abuse themselves, or just like to explore anxieties and fears in the very VERY safe environment of fiction, where there are no real life consequences, it doesn’t matter. there’s no such thing as people who are “allowed” to write these subjects and people who are not. no one needs to put their life and vulnerabilities on the table for complete strangers to judge and deem worthy or unworthy of basic decency. to say otherwise is despicably transparent in their motives to exploit already vulnerable people for their personal entertainment or self gratification, and yet people fall for it every goddamned time.

i’m not going to make an argument that i’m not a pedophile because i shouldn’t have to. y’all should be able to use your fucking brains well enough to know that someone drawing fictional scenarios is not the same as a real adult abusing real children with very real world consequences. if it is personally upsetting to you, or makes you feel uncomfortable, or even triggers ptsd please for the love of god leave the blog.  why would you put yourself through that? why would you, if you are so against it, actively seek it out and harass people who make it? i would never call people outright liars about what does and does not trigger them. but it seems to me the only people who would behave in this way are either not as bothered as they have convinced themselves and everyone else they are, or they have some seriously bad coping mechanisms for their own trauma that are in no way the fault of the authors and artists at the receiving end of their vitriol. but as someone who was horribly abused, emotionally and psychologically, for the majority of my life, i know an abusive power trip when i see one.

if y’all have been supporting these people without thinking about it, i don’t want your apologies and shame, and likely no one else you’ve let get trampled with no help does either. but you have to do better. WE have to do better. even something as small as blocking people you know to be abusive jerks in the community can make a world of difference because they can’t have power if you don’t let them have a platform.

and as for the people in the community who started this mess, cos i know you still look up my posts in the tags--i’m not afraid of you. i’m not fucking going anywhere. i am here to enjoy my characters, enjoy my writing, enjoy making art and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. you are not going to silence me because you got mad that i called you out for being an abusive asshole. and anyone who listens to your bullshit deserves better than to be manipulated and frightened of you. fucking grow up and get some help, because lying about wanting to protect people by causing active harm to others is more morally bankrupt than any darkfic could ever be.

[rinnysega]

Okay so your wedding is coming up and I'm a newer follower. Will you tell us your and your future wife's love story? How did you meet? When did you realize that it was love?

Hello new friend! Welcome to my blog!

And oooh ok! This will get kind of long so I’ll put it under a read more.

@ilonacho and I met in late November/early December of 2015. My friend @prismatoons and I were really into the Disney show Penn Zero: Part time Hero (and still are tbh. idc if it’s ended, it’s still prominent in our lives and will be forever) and one day when I was on vacation, I got a message from her to check out some new artwork that showed up in the tag. The fandom was incredibly small, so news of anything new, especially art, was an immediate “STOP THE PRESSES” kind of moment. 

If you check out her art tag you’ll see how incredible she is, and I was floored by her style and how she drew the characters. So, like the friendly idiot I am, I really wanted to introduce myself, but I was incredibly shy. But, since there were only a handful of people to talk to about PZ, I had to suck it up and approach her if I wanted a new fandom friend, so I stumbled my way into her ask box to let her know that I loved her artwork, and since she was new to the fandom, I’d love to introduce her to people and be a friend if she was looking to talk about the show with anybody. I think I scared her cause I feel I was way too forward in being like “HELLO, WANNA BE FRIENDS?” but like I said, I was a shy. I thought she was super cool and it’s like, who am I to just barge in here and say hello? Lol but anyway…

That leads me to the day things sort of changed I guess? We’d talked through the askbox only a couple of times, and then one day I noticed she had followed me. I was so excited because again, I thought she was the coolest person in the world, and here she is, following me back when she states on her own blog that she doesn’t follow that many people in order to keep her dashboard short and clean, and I was just like “mOM HOLY FUCK”

I told her I was so happy about it and her immediate response was “uhhhhh that was an accident, I dropped my phone on my face and it followed u by mistake” and when I was like “hnnnnnn u can unfollow me if u want” she said it was cool and would keep it the way it is cause I think she felt bad about it. But either way, ever since that incident we started talking more and more and we started hanging out off tumblr like on streams and stuff, and it got to a point by New Years 2016 I had developed a mondo crush. 

Mutual friends started asking us both questions the more we started hanging out and how we interacted together, and we both found out through the grapevine that the other had a crush on us. Just before Valentines Day 2016 we talked about it with each other, but we were unsure of actually dating. We’d just met like two months prior, and even though we were both over 18, we still had a pretty big age gap of 7 years which made me uncomfortable as the older one. Not to mention that long distance between the states and Denmark was a nightmare. We were currently 6 hours apart and I was about to move in a month to California where we’d be 9 hours apart. Didn’t really seem like a good choice, so we decided to stay friends.

In July of that year, I’d settled well in LA, and a co-worker of mine asked me on a date. I said no because at the time I realized that the only person I wanted to be with was Ilo, so I was kind of turned off with wanting to date other people. Another coworker and I talked about it and she recommended that if I wasn’t going to date anyone because I couldn’t get Ilo off my mind, I should just try out the long distance. Ilo and I for months had back and forth conversations about dating where we talked about our fears and wants in relationships, what we were both looking for, what we were both scared of, what we would do if it worked out or didn’t work out, etc, so when I brought this to her attention, she felt she was ready to give it a try, and by then I was ready to try to. So we officially got together on July 25th 2016. 

She first came to visit me here in the states for Valentine’s Day 2017 for about a week. I was very nervous because it was our first time seeing each other in person and I was scared about a lot of things as you could imagine. But when she landed, and I picked her up from the airport, everything felt so…right? I was so awestruck with my crush on her that I missed our exit driving back from LAX and had to take the long way home lol. By the time we got to my apartment, everything felt natural. Neither of us were worried or uncomfortable, and it was almost as if we’d known each other forever.

We went on our first date the day after she got in. It was February 12, 2017 and we went to Universal Studios Hollywood. From there, we had a wonderful week of going to Disneyland and going out to dinner on Valentines Day, and we saw movies together, and painted pottery. It was fantastic and it was so sad to see her leave. She was able to come back for two weeks in the summer to see the Penn Zero finale with me, and then I went to spend two weeks with her and her family in Denmark for Christmas that year. During the time apart and how heart breaking it was to see the other go, I think that’s when I realized it was a lifelong love and neither of us wanted to go without the other. 

We talked a lot about her immigrating to the United States to live with me fulltime since currently she can’t stay in the country anymore than 90 days, so we did a lot of research about how to go about it. We came to the decision together that the best option for us would be to get married in Denmark in Fall of 2018 and have her immigrate to the US as my wife. 

We hadn’t lived together more than 2 weeks at a time, so she came to stay with me between February thru April of this year to see if we could live together for a long period of time. And let me tell you, it was the best 3 months of my life. We’d got into a chore routine, a life routine really, and being able to wake up to her every morning was the best way to start the day (even that one time when she elbowed me in the face). No matter how early it was, 4am or 5am, she’d get out of bed and walk me to the front door as I left for work to kiss me goodbye and make sure I remembered my phone, keys, wallet, etc, even when she was half asleep and groggy. She always walked me to the door no matter what. During that time we also went home to Florida so I could introduce her to my parents, and they loved her just like her parents loved me. 

My mom and I were lying in her bed one morning while Ilona was still sleeping in the guest room, and she told me she thought Ilona was perfect for me. We had a heart to heart where we talked about a lot of personal stuff, but she said more than anything, she and my father wanted me to be happy and to find someone who would love me the way they did, and she said “I see how she takes care of you. It’s the little things she does, like goes behind you to make sure you’re okay, those little things show me and your Dad that she really loves you and we’re so happy for the two of you” like I cried so much. And she and my dad have a 6 year age gap between them, so she as the older one told me not to worry too much about what other people think. As long as we communicate and have a balanced relationship, things would be okay, and they are. 

So right now here we are: we’re getting ready for our TMNT wedding coming up soon where my dad and I will fly to Denmark for a week. My mom would go too but she can’t travel very well so that’s why we’re going to have a second wedding here for my friends and family in 2020. At that point at that ceremony I’ll take her last name and we’ll officially start our family. 

So that’s where our love story is right now! Full of happy tears and cartoon turtles lol She’s also going to come back to the states between mid-October and early January so we can spend all the holidays together. Hopefully the next time she returns will be for good!

And for the record: i still have a mondo crush on her.

[verdiprati]

Upcoming performances by Dame Sarah Connolly

[NOTE: this post is now out of date. Check the schedule tag on my blog for the most recent version of this list.]

After the jump: an unofficial schedule of Dame Sarah Connolly’s future performances. Those of you in Britain may catch a performance in London, Nottingham, Oxford, Gloucester, Lewes, Cheltenham, or Painswick, or possibly a public masterclass in Aldeburgh. Those on the Continent may see her in Berlin, Paris, Vienna, Brussels, Amsterdam, Rotterdam, or Vilabertran (Catalunya). And finally, those of us in North America have engagements in New York and Philadelphia to look forward to! Plus, Dame Sarah's agency has mentioned future performances in Paris and Madrid, though no details are available yet. Don’t live near one of these places? Take in a concert from afar: I am adding online broadcast and livestream details as they become available.

This is not an authoritative list. These are the upcoming performances by Dame Sarah Connolly that I have been able to learn about from Dame Sarah's website (not currently being updated), her agent's website (Askonas Holt), Operabase, Bachtrack, Dame Sarah's Twitter, and generally ferreting around the web.

I sometimes list concerts that are not yet officially confirmed; you should of course check official sources before making plans and be aware that cast changes and cancellations can happen at any time.

I have added links to venue, ticketing, and broadcast information where available. Tips on new information are always welcome! Please contact me via email (verdiprati [at] selveamene [dot] com), Tumblr messaging, or ask box (plain prose only in the ask box; anything with links or an email address will get eaten by Tumblr filters) with corrections or additions.

Handel, Ariodante (title role) at the Wiener Staatsoper, February 24 and 26 and March 1, 4, and 8, 2018. With Chen Reiss (Ginevra), Hila Fahima (Dalinda), Christphe Dumaux (Polinesso), Rainer Trost (Lurcanio), and Wilhelm Schwinghammer (Il Re di Scozia). In a new production directed by David McVicar with music is supplied by Les Arts Florissants conducted by William Christie. Note: although Christie, LAF, and many of the soloists from this Ariodante will be performing the opera in a concert tour following its staging in Vienna, Dame Sarah is not scheduled to join them; Kate Lindsey has been announced to take over the title role for the tour.

[Broadcast] The opening night performance, February 24, is scheduled for live radio broadcast on OE1. It will also be carried live by Radio Clásica in Spain and possibly other European radio stations that I have not run across yet.

[Livestream] The opera is scheduled for video livestreaming on Sunday, March 4. There is a fee of €14 to watch the livestream.

Schubert, “Zögernd leise” in a Mothering Sunday concert at Gloucester Cathedral, March 11, 2018. With the Girl Choristers of Gloucester Cathedral; conducted by Nia Llewelyn Jones. This concert is just an hour long altogether and the one song Dame Sarah is scheduled to sing runs about five or six minutes, but it’s one of my favorite pieces I’ve heard her sing live—she’s like a storyteller in this song—and the £16 ticket price a) is pretty affordable and b) includes “a glass of pink fizz.”

Mahler, Symphony No. 8 “Symphony of a Thousand” at de Doelen, Rotterdam, March 23 and 25, 2018. With the Rotterdam Philharmonic Orchestra conducted by Yannick Nézet-Séguin. The other soloists are Angela Meade, Erin Wall, Erin Morley, Mihoko Fujimura, Michael Schade, Markus Werba, and Christof Fischesser. On choral duty are the Groot Omroep Koor, Rotterdam Symphony Chorus, Orfeon Donostiarra, and Nationaal Kinderkoor. UPDATE: Dame Sarah, citing illness in a tweet, withdrew from all three performances with the Rotterdam Phil and was replaced by Michelle DeYoung.

[New! Broadcast] The March 23 performance will be broadcast in live video by Medici.tv. My understanding is that the video will be available for “limited replay” to those with free accounts on the service and “unlimited replay” to those with paid accounts.

Mahler, Symphony No. 8 “Symphony of a Thousand” at BOZAR Centre for Fine Arts, Brussels, March 24, 2018. With the Rotterdam Philharmonic Orchestra; same details as the Rotterdam performances listed above. UPDATE: Dame Sarah, citing illness in a tweet, withdrew from all three performances with the Rotterdam Phil and was replaced by Michelle DeYoung.

[Broadcast] I found a web page saying that all concerts at the 2018 Klarafestival can be followed live on the Klara radio station (“Tot slot zijn ook dit jaar alle concerten van Klarafestival live te volgen op radiozender Klara”); I should be able to confirm the Klara broadcast schedule closer to the time. UPDATING just slightly to add: although I can’t find a page specifically for the Mahler 8 broadcast, I can confirm that “Klara Live - Klarafestival” is appearing in the relevant slot of the program grid for March 24.

[Masterclasses] Public masterclasses for the Britten-Pears Young Artist Programme at Snape Maltings in Aldeburgh, England, March 26, 27, 28, and 30. Part of a course on Handel’s Theodora to be co-taught with conductor Christian Curnyn. Although this doesn’t really count as a performance by Sarah Connolly, I am adding it to my “unofficial schedule” of her work with the thought that fans who live in the area might want to attend some of the public masterclasses Sarah Connolly will be co-teaching or the culminating performance on March 31 by young artists she will have coached.

Verdi, Requiem at the Royal Concert Hall in Nottingham, April 28, 2018. With Elizabeth Llewellyn, Gywn Hughes Jones, Wojtek Gierlach, and the London Philharmonic Orchestra. The chorus will be supplied by Nottingham Trent University, where Dame Sarah was awarded an honorary doctorate of music in July of 2017. 

Recital at St Mary’s Church, Painswick, Glos., May 12, 2018. With Joseph Middleton; sponsored by the Painswick Music Society. Works to include songs by Vaughan Williams, Gurney, Parry, Howells, Holst, Britten, Tippett, “and others,” as well as the premiere of a new song cycle by Sally Beamish.

Handel, Giulio Cesare (title role) at Glyndebourne, June 10 through July 28, 2018. In a revival of the legendary 2005 production by David McVicar, with the Orchestra of the Age of Enlightenment conducted by William Christie. With Joélle Harvey as Cleopatra, plus Christophe Dumaux and Patricia Bardon reprising the roles of Tolomeo and Cornelia respectively; also starring Anna Stéphany (Sesto), John Moore (Achilla), and Kangmin Justin Kim (Nireno).

Bach, cantata selections in a concert with Mahan Esfahani at the Cheltenham Music Festival, July 1, 2018. Specifically, Dame Sarah is scheduled to sing “arias from Bach’s cantatas Widerstehe doch der Sünde and Ich habe genug and a complete performance of Vergnügte Ruh, beliebte Seelenlust,” according to the festival website.

[New!] Recital for the Cheltenham Music Festival at the Pittville Pump Room, July 4, 2018. With Joseph Middleton. They will be performing “a survey of composers from the Royal College of Music,” including songs by Stanford, Parry, Vaughan Williams, Holst, Gurney, Howells, Bridge, Britten, and Tippett. Tickets go on sale to the public April 4. 

[New details!] Recital at the Schubertíada Vilabertran, August 18, 2018. With pianist Malcolm Martineau and viola player Jonathan Brown. Repertoire includes songs by Brahms, Mahler’s Kindertotenlieder, and a selection of traditional English songs. 

Wagner, Das Rheingold and Die Walküre (Fricka in both) at the Royal Opera, London, September 24 through October 28, 2018. A revival of Keith Warner’s Ring Cycle, with Antonio Pappano conducting. For cast and date details, see the ROH web pages linked above. As of this writing, the ROH is only allowing customers to purchase tickets for an entire cycle of the four operas; I’m not sure whether they’ll allow separate booking later. Curiously, two performances of Die Walküre—but none of Das Rheingold (nor of the other two operas)—are marked “Filming” on the ROH website. Do we have a Walküre webcast or DVD to look forward to? Or is Pappano gathering clips for a future documentary? I do not know.

Mahler, Das Lied von der Erde at the Royal Festival Hall, London, September 29, 2018. With Stuart Skelton and the London Philharmonic Orchestra conducted by Vladimir Jurowski. In a concert with Mitsiko Uchida playing Mozart’s Piano Concerto No. 27.

Mahler, Das Lied von der Erde at the Philharmonie Berlin [PDF], October 14, 2018. With Torsten Kerl and the Rundfunk-Sinfonieorchester Berlin conducted by Vladimir Jurowski.

[New! Broadcast] The concert listing on the RSB website includes a notation “Konzert mit Deutschlandfunk Kultur,” implying (I believe) that it will be broadcast on said radio station.

[New! Details TBA] Appearance with the Oxford Lieder Festival, sometime in the range October 12-27, 2018. I can’t find any details on the OLF website as of this writing, but a story published by The Ocelot and presumably based on an OLF press release promises that Dame Sarah will be among the artists involved with the 2018 festival. 

Concert with the Tenebrae Consort at Wigmore Hall, London, October 24, 2018. Part of Dame Sarah’s yearlong residency at the Wigmore. Repertoire TBA. Listed in the season preview brochure [PDF].

[New!] Blow, Venus and Adonis and Purcell, Dido and Aeneas in concert at the Concertgebouw, Amsterdam, November 3, 2018. With the Early Opera Company conducted by Christian Curnyn. Dame Sarah’s co-stars are Jonathan McGovern, Lucy Crowe, Susan Bickley, and Rowan Pierce. Tickets go on sale June 1. 

[New!] Tippett, A Child of our Time at the Paris Philharmonie, November 7 and 8, 2018. With Michelle Bradley, Mark Padmore, John Relyea, and the Orchestre de Paris conducted by Thomas Adès in a concert also featuring symphonic works by Berlioz and Adès.

Ravel song recital at Wigmore Hall, London, November 16, 2018. With James Newby and Joseph Middleton. Part of a Ravel song series being presented by the Wigmore over the course of the year. Listed in the season preview brochure [PDF].

[New!] Recital with Julius Drake at the Concertgebouw, Amsterdam, March 5, 2019. Works by R. Schumann, Brahms, Wolf, A. Mahler, and Zemlinsky. 

Recital with Julius Drake at Wigmore Hall, London, March 15, 2019. Part of Dame Sarah’s yearlong residency at the Wigmore. Repertoire TBA, but may have some works in common with those programmed for Connolly and Drake’s other recitals in the same month. Listed in the season preview brochure [PDF].

[New!] Recital with Julius Drake at the Kimmel Center, Philadelphia, March 22, 2019. Sponsored by the Philadelphia Chamber Music Society. Repertoire includes works by Brahms, Wolf, Roussel, Debussy, and Zemlinksy. 

[New!] Wagner, Götterdämmerung (Waltraute) at the Metropolitan Opera, New York, April 27, May 4, and May 11, 2019. In a revival of Robert Lepage’s production of the Ring cycle, with all shows to be conducted by Philippe Jordan. Dame Sarah’s co-stars in Götterdämmerung include Christine Goerke (Brünnhilde), Stefan Vinke / Andreas Schager (sharing the role of Siegfried), Edith Haller (Gutrune), Eric Owens (Hagen), Evgeny Nitikin (Gunther), and Tomasz Konieczny (Alberich).

Recital with Malcolm Martineau at Wigmore Hall, London, July 23, 2019. Part of Dame Sarah’s yearlong residency at the Wigmore. Repertoire TBA. Listed in the season preview brochure [PDF].

[Details TBA] Future appearances at the Opéra national de Paris and the Teatro Réal in Madrid are mentioned in the current bio that can be downloaded from Dame Sarah’s page on the Askonas Holt website (click “Publicity Pack”). 

Previous versions of this list can be found under the schedule tag on this blog. This version published on February 10, 2018. Edited February 15 to add the Scubertíada Vilabertran, the Met Götterdämmerung, and the Elgar concert at the Barbican. Edited February 16 to delete the Elgar concert at the Barbican after clarifying with Dame Sarah’s agent that the listing was erroneous. Edited February 27 to add the Concertgebouw double header of English baroque operas in concert. Edited February 28 to add the Philadelphia Chamber Music Society link. Edited March 1 to add the Concertgebouw recital with Julius Drake and fill in more details on the Philadelphia recital. Edited March 8 to add details to the Vilabertran recital and to add the Tippett piece with the Orchestre de Paris. Edited March 10 to confirm the appearance of the Klara Festival on the Klara program schedule for March 24. Edited March 17 to add the recital with Joseph Middleton at the Cheltenham Music Festival, the broadcast note on the Berlin Das Lied, and the Medici.tv livestream of Mahler 8. Edited March 26 to correct a typo in one of the Cheltenham Music Festival entries (I had mistakenly placed both concerts on the same day, July 1) and to belatedly reflect Dame Sarah’s withdrawal from the Rotterdam Philharmonic Mahler 8 concerts. Edited April 4 to add the Oxford Lieder Festival. I may continue to edit this list as I receive new information.

[annashipper]

Ophie Hunter: the exclusive second lost interview

Interviewer: 3 years of complete silence and now 2 interviews in 2 weeks…

Rachel: For the record, I want it to be perfectly clear that it was not my idea to give this second interview so soon after the first one. I do not need to remind anyone, that I am a shy and private person, who strongly dislikes the spotlight and abhors self-promotion. You can’t even begin to imagine, how difficult it is for someone like me to come forward and be the center of attention again but I was strongly persuaded to do it.

Int: You were? By whom?

Ophie: I will name no names. It is sufficient to say that I received an angry and extremely menacing phone call from a well-known American film producer and film studio executive (he and his brother have been co-chairmen of their own production company, since 2005) you can call him Mr. W. Mr. W. shouted at me over the phone that in my previous interview I came off as “a self-important snob boasting of her refined tastes and worldliness through language” . I strongly disagree but he was most persistent, that I should retract the statements I made in my previous interview and clean my image.

Int: What was your immediate reaction to his phone call?

Ophie: The avant-garde artist in me immediately saw the potential opera and theatrical narrative of the individual in that phone call and created a moodboard which included the images of the 1781 oil painting “The Nightmare” by the Anglo- Swiss artist Henry Fuseli, and the bloody horse-head scene from the 1972 American crime film “The Godfather” directed by Francis Ford Coppola (based on Mario Puzo’s best-selling novel with the same name). The whole concept of a ‘mafia theatrical opera’ came to me as a vision and inspired what will be a wonderful work for the operatic stage. I will be seeking to develop a new kind of theatrical event reflecting and profoundly questioning the actualities of my way of looking at the world.

Int: Some people also accused you of being pretentious. Do you think there was some truth in those claims?

Rachel: Pretentious, moi? Don’t be ridiculous. Conflating “foreign”, “artistic”, “intelectual” with “pretence” as you do in the working classes is disquietingly parochial.

Int: Do you care to elaborate on that?

Rachel: People are always suspicious of the unconventional. Experimental literature, avant-garde performances, modernist art, or fashion design are only pretentious for you low and middle classes! I have never pursued these interests out of affectation! I have an art school degree and decades of experience as an Actress/Opera Director/Playwriter/Avant-Garde Artist/Model-Fashionista/Producer extraordinaire working in the field of Contemporary Art/Indie and Mainstream Cinema/Experimental Theater/Fashion/Opera, so you could say I’ve spent a life embedded in pretension. But you would be wrong.

Int: How is that?

Rachel: I am just one of the crowd really! I get on with my staff (when they do their jobs properly). My sense of sense of humour is very appreciated (amongst people who I have on payroll). I smile a lot and even genuinely (for the paparazzi). I have friends who can vouch just how my salt-of-the-earth credentials are. I am a very likable and emphatic person who is also involved in Charities.

Int: What Charities?

Rachel: I do not like to brag but I am most commited to help people to fulfill their hopes and dreams. Particularly my close relatives and friends because as mother says 'Charity begins at home’. Naturally, I understand the overriding demands of taking care of one’s family, before caring for others and I have dozens of close relatives, and friends - each one with his/her own ambitions, dreams- and as God is my witness, I will not rest until Bob helps each and everyone of them to find their way, their ambition and their success in this world!

Int: What were the other reactions to your first interview?

Ophie: As soon as the interview was out I received hundreds of notifications on my phone. Naturally I assumed that the interview had gone viral and I was receiving congratulations and accolades, instead you can imagine my surprise when all I got was worried and stressed messages from my interns reporting to me that I was receiving all sorts of negative reactions on social media. Among other surprising and unfair things, people were accusing me, ME of being a Diva that was putting on airs and graces.

Inter: How did you react to those accusations?

Ophie: I was very upset, obviously! I’ve never done one diva-ish thing in my life. Not a single one! I had a temper-tantrum, then calmed down, collected myself, flipped my hair and proceeded in firing all the members of my in-house staff- who were responsible for managing my online reputation and I left the stage, I mean the meeting room!

Int: You fired everybody? Wasn’t that a bit extreme?

Rachel: No it really wasn’t. My intern’s job’s descriptions were perfectly clear since day one: manage my name domain online, establish a clear, fleshed-out presence on multiple social networking sites, post to each of them at least once a week, blurr my husband’s face in all the photos where I, a celebrity in my own right, was endorsing high profile brands and products such as designer shoes and jewelry, fashion clothes and accessories- while simultaneously tagging his name in order to lure in his fandom, and most importantly keep monitoring the web (particularly the hateful so-called “Skeptics” blogs) for any unflattering photos or mentions of me. If they did find something negative or unflattering, they had clear orders to do everything in their power to bury them with positive content. They failed on all accounts.

Int: What happened next?

Ophie: My Media Team Management which included my Reputation Manager, my Press representative, my Public relations publicist, my Special publicity consultant, my Unit publicist and my Media Agent resigned in block allegedly because they were “extremely frustrated with me and particularly my perceived interference in the team’s affairs”. The truth was that they promised to make my preferred online profile float to the top of search results in order to boost my personal or corporate brand and instead due to their collective incompetence they failed to achieve my stated target of securing me a place in the Top Celebrities League.

Int: Did you feel people misunderstood you?

Rachel: Yes of course. I want people to understand- because Mr. W. was most insistent about this specific point- that I care hugely about my role. I care hugely about Bob. I care hugely about SM. I think Sunny March is a fantastic organisation full of people who just want to make a difference. I want people to know that I want to be a tool to Bob, SM and Mr. W- if they really enable me and my people to make a real difference in Bob’s career. I want Mr. W to know that I am extremly commited to help him on this long-term agenda, because I think that this is the opportunity of a life time, and I think I’ll probably look back over the last three years and say, that we helped each other a lot.

Int: Do you intend to give any more interviews in future?

WHM: In the immortal words of mother: Watch this space! You never know.

Int: Thank you Ophie!

Ophie: That’s Mrs. Cumberbatch for you! C-U-M-B-E-R-B-A-T-C-H

# cumber*atch # benedic*cumber*atch # lovingwifey # realcouplesarereal # realfamilies # ben*phie4eva # ijustwanttobefamous # 17yearsgoingon2weeksandcounting #hopeitlasts

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Anna:  After reading the above submission, I feel the need to be very clear:

This is not a real interview by Sophie Hunter.  I repeat.  NOT a real interview.

I just feel it’s imperative I make the distinction, because the snarky Anon who’s getting these imaginary exclusives has managed to capture Weirdo’s spirit so well, I half expect excerpts from it to end up on SHC as quotes.  Having said that, the interns who run SHC haven’t posted anything since the 4th of March, so perhaps I don’t need to be as vigilant...

[norman-reedus-gossip]

bulk

--mod--

I'll add to the comments. 

Bulk

Anon: DK once said she traveled 24 hours to see JJ for only one day. She did the same with Norman now

.


Anon:

 
So now that we know DK is definitely in Barcelona (just jared) has anyone still a explanation why she's hiding? Why didn't she attend Normans gallery opening to show they are just friends? Why was she sneaking around in Barcelona alone meanwhile? Why did the fans two days ago say he was with his girlfriend? Why would they lie. Norman is pissing his pants, he deleted comments calling them out. He usually never does this. You all don't know DK, she wouldn't travel the world to see just a friend.




Anon:  


Just Jared shared pics of DK in Barcelona. It was her with him and they were trying to hide their dirty little secret. I hope someone will call them out now. Norman already deleted some comments calling him out. Seems like he can't take it.




.


Anon:

It still ticks me off people are now going to label N as a liar or pos. Dude is probably just trying to protect his privacy. Are they fucking? Probably, but I wouldn't buy them wedding gifts just yet. I can't wait to hear what PR wife has to say lol



Anon: 


So it was DK on the bike...




Anon: 


Love you mod! 😘 I love N but he fucked himself with this one. US papers are going to pick up on this, and I highly doubt his people are going to issue another denial. Which he should have never had them do in the first place. If he's boning her, own up to it, if not, he probably should start. lol I don't see a committed relationship here. Cause this fucker sure flirts/goes out with a lot of other people besides her, many of them women. What do you think mod? Im genuinely curious on ur take?




Anon: Ya'll need to think logical. If Dk was only normans friend she would have been there at his gallery opening yesterday. she definitely wasn't. they are together probably since sky and cheating is involved and now they are trying to hide their dirty little fling. they deserve each other. norman is not the person he claimed to be which disgust me to death.                                                                                                    --mod--

Don't die anon.




Anon: 



Oh did you all see Norman and DK let delete all the pictures of them in Barcelona on IG. There were lots of them in both her and his tag and now they all disappeared. Someones trying to hide the dirty secret. They can't take that people called them out when they were sure no one noticed them together in spain. But sure, friends do all this if they don't have anything to hide. Also I wonder why she didn't attend his opening show last night? Friends support friends... oh wait.... 
                                                                                                                                   --Mod-- I don't think they can delete someone else's photos


Anon: 


Daily Mail has an article out now too. Well done Norman. Didn't work with the hiding and trying to secretly screw around in Europe. Too bad. I almost feel sorry for his reps, they tried to do damage control and officially denied it because Norman probably lied to them too and now THEY are the ones looking bad. Hope they going to kick his booty out pretty soon. 




Anon: 
Mod I'm sorry but I just will never get it. Why did Norman let his reps deny a romance if he knew he'd secretly meet her in Barcelona just two weeks later? Are his reps okay with this? They gonna look like liars I can't believe they agree with what hes doing. It's Norman's fault and his own problem when the next shitstorm is coming now. He and his reps should have said simply nothing but now they look so shady and false. No one will ever believe them again. And that's why I don't understand it. 
                                                                                        -mod-- I don't think your the only one WTF'ing right now




Anon: 


Norman makes me want to vomit so hard. I'm so sick of him and his shit. He stone cold lied into everyone's face, saying he's just friends with DK. Hell he even let his reps deny it. Wonder how they feel about this now. They will look like liars. If this man was my client I'd kick his ass out faster than he can look. It truly disgusts the hell out of me. Specially a man who claimed to love honesty is the biggest liar. Yo Norman, I hope your image is gonna fall to pieces. No fan deserves this. --mod-- Don't puke too hard you might pull a muscle 




Anon: 


None of the gossip site reporting on NR and DK's relationship seem to believe they are just friends so why should we? 
--mod-- People can believe what they want. We don't all have to agree




Maria: 
People should calm down 
The only thing that bothers me regarding the DK/NR situation is the lack of respect of people, they create pages on IG to insult them. They call DK slut, pig, wh*re, etc…and they do the same to NR. Come on people, you can not agree with their relationship (friend or love) but have some education and respect, they don’t own you anything and you won’t win anything if they stop seeing each other. Mod, sending you some whisky and nachos to help you deal with the crazies.
http://www.casimages.com/i/170314052229350479.jpg.html
--Mod-- That's a picture of HEAVEN 




Anon: 
Mod, what do you think now? I may be in the minority but what if they are only friends on his side of the coin but it's HER who wants more? How stupid would Norman be to deny it & knowingly have her come to Barcelona 2 weeks later to make him look like a complete lying fool? Her pap shots leaving NYC & then arriving in Paris weren't exactly secretive either. It's not like she didn't tip off anyone that she was on the move and even what part of the world she was in. Something's not right about it --mod-- I don't I guess. I guess I just don't see as a full on relationship, it's something but not all lovely dovey like this pay for play rags make it out to be.He's never really had a problem with being seen with someone his fans disapprove of.


Anon: 
what happened to the DK/NR bike pic?? I can't seem to find it anywhere anymore!! Did everyone just delete it simultaneously orrrr --mod-- It's still out there.



Anon: 


Shes clearly not hiding. NO1 barc paparazzi would know who she was or even nobody except online fans knew she COULD be there. Yeah she wore a hoodie but she also was super over the top trying to make ascene and even took off her glasses so they couldclearly get her face never mind wearing the same clothes as when she was on the bike just so we'd know for sure she was with NR. Total setup cos she doesn't like being the dirty little secret. Get out of there gurl i don't like u but u deserve better

 


Anon: 


I don't want to go to wsc to meet him now. He's not who I thought he was. I thought he was always the sweet honest guy he portrayed himself as but if any of this is true, how can he be if this is what he has been hiding and then officially lying about to TMZ and everyone else? does anyone know if you can sell wsc tickets? --mod-- You can totally sell your tickets, I see them on Craigslist all the time. Or you could go and meet someone else.



Anon: 


I think this hate group did something to NR and DK's benefit. Of course that's not the their purpose but there was so much anger and hatred in their messages. And then everyone felt the need to act to defend them. Have a good day Mod, I love you Can I ask for a gif from you? --mod-- Wait there's a hate group. That's not rad. I'll get your gif up soon. Any requests 




Anon:

 
I wish Norman would say something else. This looks SO bad. If he's really only just friends with her then I think he needs to put his other foot down. No one is acknowledging his first denial and this just looks so terrible now. She didn't go to the second art gallery because I think it would have overshadowed it like the first, no matter what the truth is (friends or otherwise). So I wish he would do a full statement on this. 




Anon:

 
To the people saying she didn't want to be seen, that can't be true. If she were REALLY trying to keep it quiet, she didn't have to announce that she was in Europe at all. If he were really trying to keep it quiet, why would he go riding around with her and then take selfies with fans with her standing off to the side? Something isn't adding up! 


Anon: 
Re: potential cheating. Sky was filmed in very early 2015. The supposed bar kissing was in Dec 2015, right? It's now March 2017, and we're just now seeing pictures of them potentially together. JJ's been spotted kissing women twice since the official split. But no public romance from DK / Norman. If they've been together since say February 2015, (1) that's a long-ass time to be sneaky, (2) esp. since neither seems to have super-duper spy skills, & (3) it's the weirdest "affair" I've ever seen. 
--mod-- 3 is the best EVER




Anon:

 
I don't understand how everyone can be upset and saying they are done supporting N when there was just a rumor out that he MIGHT be with DK.. But now that it seems he is everyone is fine with it? Makes no sense. My personal opinion (and I've seen this before) he thinks his fans dont approve of his gf just because "theyre crazy fangirls who want him". No, people don't approve because of WHO the girl is. If I recall weren't most of his previous gf liked? Haha btw love your blog. Great job mod💖 
--mod-- Most we generally liked I believe 


Anon: 


Wait, am I the only one who thinks they could just be friends? I don't understand why people aren't believing his denial? He denied they were dating not that they were friends. Maybe she had time so she went over to Barcelona from Paris as friends? Maybe he didn't lie at all?? Maybe she's the one still after his fame? 


Anon:

 
I can't believe he did this. He blatantly LIED. Even if they had been together and keeping it quiet, he puts out a denial only to be caught??? I don't get it. Why would he stay silent for a year, then put out a denial then get caught with her? I don't understand any of this!!! I am SO disappointed in him. I can't believe he would lie to his fanbase so blatantly. I defended him for so long. And it's not because I'm "jealous" I'm genuinely hurt by his lying. He has no respect for us as fans. 




Anon:

 
I don't believe for one second they are dating. Just Jared is not exactly reputable and the article did say they were NOT seen together. I think it's nothing more than friends if even that. DK is sad and shady AF and it's obvious this is all for attention on her part. --mod-- 😏😏😏



Anon: 



Mod can I ask for your opinion? Do you think it's possible they *are* just friends? I can't get over that she planted those pap shots (both NYC and Bcla) so I can't believe he would risk his reputation by making a statement that they were friends before that and then get caught sneaking? Maybe he's just tired of having to not be seen with females he associates with? It's not a big deal for rich people to fly around the world. 
--mod--

Anythings possible. The shots are just weird and so are the articles. Whatever is going on they should probably talk it out, get on the same page and then do whatever they want. Also what I said makes no sense my brain hurts 


Anon:

 
If NR and DK were just friends I don't get why she's trying to hard not to be seen in Barcelona? It's obvious from the pics she was trying not to be spotted but why bother if you've got nothing to hide? --mod-- They may not have anything to hide, but regardless of what they do or don't do is going to be picked apart. She really isn't trying hard not to be seen. She's not hiding. Hiding is not walking around in broad daylight. I'm not shading her at all, she was in a beautiful city and was taking in the sights. But if your going to hide and you know people are looking for you, you don't go outside and stroll the streets. Just my opinion. 




Anon: 



Norman is not who I thought he was. He apparently lies and cheats and sneaks around. I am so upset. It has nothing to do with him being with someone but the way he lied about it. He's not the person he said he was to his fans. How can we believe anything he says to us anymore? I believed in him so much. He broke my heart if this is all true. 




Anon:

 
Mod I am so confused! We know that she is the one who paid for the NYC garage photos, then his PR makes a statement to deny it and then he is caught with her again? And she has paid for the new paparazzi pics bc no way would people even know to look for her in Barcelona. So what is going on? Why would he deny it on one side KNOWING that she would be trying to make it look real? If they were together, he would have known they were coming out so why would he make himself out to look like a liar?? 
--mod-- No idea. 



Anon:

 
Maybe this will all end now that it's obvious they are a couple no way their just friends. I will say DK didn't look to happy in those set up pap pictures norman not giving her his attention poor baby 



Anon: 


I'm sorry people but them coming out its not because will be a 'cheating scandal' when that shit was not even a cheating since there is no proof of that. They dont 'come out' because norman wants a fwb relationship. He denied anything with her because in the end they dont have a committed relationship and he couldnt say yeah we are friends that fuck. Diane obviously wants more than what she has but if she continues this greedy i see her in a very short minute being send to space very quick. 



Anon: 


If he was really interested in her and protecting her he had not denied anything and everything with her and since she was in barcelona he would have taken her to exhibition but since she didnt did that she made an 'oh so casually' paps pics when paps are not even common thing in barcelona. She is a friend that he fucks and he is willing to go all over the world at his call. that is her place on his life. she wants more but since he doesnt give her she tries to make it more than it is via tabs

 


Anon: norman wanted a fwb and made a problem...lol to me is very simple. He called her for a bootycall and she was willing to go. Non of the less and since she couldnt set him up...AGAIN, she calls the paps to 'catch her' in the middle of barcelona where she is not even well know or there is paps for C list celebs. It's obvious to me too this have NOTHING to him protecting her or not. he clearly doesnt want the same as her she is the one pushing and being ridiculous.


Anon: I still think she was there for his art show ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ friends support each other. 

Anon: 
Hey Mod, I noticed the story is in the Daily Mail too. Isn't that who DK pays off? And how come NO one talks about the denial he issued? Could you ask pr wife what she thinks now? 



Anon: 
MOD! Please tell us what you think. I don't understand something: Why would his PR people make him out to LOOK like a liar??? Because that is exactly what he looks like now. They have made it look like he IS sneaking around now. How is that beneficial to him?? Something is so weird with all this because the Daily Mail is all over it and she pays them. Am I the only one who is suspicious? 
--mod-- I dont think your the only side eyeing it. It's just so weird




Karyn:

Some thoughts. Sure, it all looks shady af but until I see pics of them holding hands or kissing I’m going to believe the “just friends”. Notice how she’s always shown up to where he is? Italy, France, & now Spain. He didn’t travel to Europe to see her when she was filming. She could just be one of those types of clingy women who might be sad/desperate/lonely after the end of a 10 year relationship, 40 years old, seeking something from someone - ANYONE! I think a lot of women can relate to that feeling of “I want someone to love me” after a break up and make dumb choices. Anyone who has ever been to a Con or seen Norman meet fans on the street, the guy has infinite patience so maybe he’s just being nice to a friend and she’s a little hopeful. Or maybe I’m totally wrong. Lol. Just remember, at this time there is absolutely ZERO actual proof they cheated.




Anon: 


So the annona source on blinds said there's something interesting that went down in Barcelona with the dk stuff. Can't wait to hear what it is. Sadly he is still in his fwb with her and the other lady who we won't name out of respect even tho he wants more with her. Why Norman can you not cut off toxic people like DK? She called the paps AGAIN. 


Anon: 


Alright, the way I see it, there's only two options left: 1. They are dating and they are both hypocritical liars. Or 2. DK has gone batshit crazy and is following Norman to the ends of the earth to save her quickly falling career. Question is - IF that's the case, why the hell is he playing in on it? It only reflects badly on him

 

Anon: Do people not realise how horrible it is that JDM and his wife can be papped kissing and being affectionate on the beach but NR and DK have to hide themselves and their relationship because of crazy fans?! I feel so sad for them that DK is having to walk around Barcelona undercover and that they can't be seen anywhere near each other because of fear of backlash. It's awful that some internet bullies are having a direct effect on two people's lives like that. --mod-- Those are 2 very different relationships. It's a married couple -vs- a maybe could be couple with all sorts of shady around them

. 


Anon: 


I am wondering if they ever officially go public. To me the difference between a relationship versus casual fwb would be things like he did with his last girlfriend. Even though he still never publicly acknowledged his ex, look at everything he did with her: Going on vacation alone together his usual places (without hiding it). Her visiting/living with him in GA, time with his family, vacay with him and his son, set visits, etc. She's gonna want him at events w/her which he did w/CS at first. --mod-- Touché



Anon: 


Maybe this is their way of going public? Or at least not caring if ppl see them anymore. Think about it. They were both in NYC, he'll return in a week. If they wanted to continue hiding why would she go all the way to Spain and be out in public with him? Why is she paying mags to take pics of her and write up articles? And ppl can say well that's just her but he's obviously fine with it. Putting on a hoodie and sunglasses before paps take your pic for the daily mail is not "incognito" lol --mod-- If this was a coming out it's done horribly. I mean they could've at least sent me whiskey before hand. 🤣🤣🤣 






Anon:

 
well, so much for his "brand" LMAO! most def not investing a single dime in ANY of his cheating lying asses work. frankly, i was getting tired of TWD anyway. --mod-- But Negans lean back is the best... you should at least tune in just to see how far he goes back 




Anon:

 
I believe Norman and Diane are secretly dating and I know as fans we shouldn't judge his personal life. But If the cheating scandal was true I can't say what he did was right. If Norman really did had a affair with Diane Kruger and did that to Joshua Jackson I feel like that was wrong to do. I still support Norman as a fan but at the same time I can't say what he did was okay.


[asfeedin]

LATEST NEW RELEASES, RECOMMENDATIONS, & PRE-ORDERS — WEEK OF April 27, 2020 — Aestas Book Blog

BOOKWORM NEWS:

Rafe by Sawyer Bennett goes live at midnight!! — “I was living my dream until one phone call changed everything… When I’m not on the ice with my new team, I’m helping care for my dad. And in the midst of my grief, I find comfort from the one person I never expected… She stole my heart at a very young age. The beautiful, smart, headstrong girl next door, she was my first… everything. She has never forgiven me for leaving her, believing that I chose hockey over a future together. What she doesn’t understand is that every decision I made was for her, and I’ve never given up hope that one day we’d be together again…”

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Artful Lies by Jodi Ellen Malpas goes live this week!! — “An irresistible connection, a desire that won’t let go… When aspiring antiques dealer Eleanor Cole is handed the chance of a lifetime to work for the Hunt Corporation, the renowned antiques dealers, she doesn’t think twice. Only to discover she’ll be working up close and personal with the notorious and insanely irresistible Becker Hunt. He is a man famous for getting what he wants, and Becker wants Eleanor. But as Becker pulls her deeper into his world, she discovers there’s more to him than meets the eye. And falling for Becker goes from being foolish to dangerous…”

Filthy Lawyer by Whitney G goes live this week!! — “Dear Miss Tanner, It’s currently nine o’clock in the morning, which means you’re already two & a half hours late for your first day of work at Hamilton & Associates. During your interview, you waxed poetic about your obsession with “being on time” and promised to be “one hundred percent accountable,” but clearly, that’s a goddamn lie. Then again, to be fair, I lied to you during your interview as well. I told you that it was nice to “meet” you, but I guess now is the time to admit that we’ve met before. You took my online class at Harvard, and you never turned in your final paper. Instead, you sent me a dirty list that was meant for your boyfriend… I gave you an ‘A’ for amusement… [but] when you finally do decide to show up to work, I expect you to stick to discussions about the law, not anything personal. I don’t want you to ever take my rare moments of kindness for weakness. (I don’t have any.) In fact, this email is probably the longest stretch of words I’ll ever say to you. Stay out of my way, and I’ll stay out of yours. Now that our formal introduction is out of the way, I’ll assume that you’re currently on your way into my office. Welcome to the firm, Damien Carter”

  NEW BOOK LIST: My Standout Favorite Reads — I made a new list! There were no rules to how I made this list. I didn’t try to name a certain number of books. Sometimes I mentioned a specific book by title, sometimes I mentioned the author if I just generally love all their books, sometimes I’ve mentioned whole series if it’s more about the entire experience rather than an individual book… and this isn’t just a general favorites list either, rather this is a list of reads that particularly stood out to me over the years… click here to see the books!

  RARE SALE & TOP FAVORITES: Dream Man Box Set Books 1-4 by Kristen Ashley  OMG! This is an amazing deal! 4 TOP FAVORITE BOOKS bundled together for about half the price that they’d be individually – for almost 1500 pages of awesome badass alpha romance content!! — This boxed set includes: (1) Mystery Man (“Gwendolyn Kidd has met the man of her dreams. He’s hot, he’s sexy, and what started as a no-names-exchanged night of passion has blossomed into a year and a half-long pleasure fest. Hawk Delgado has demons that keep him from connecting with anyone. But when Gwen is threatened, Hawk’s protective nature comes out in full force…”), (2) Wild Man (“Tessa O’Hara never expected the man of her dreams to walk into her bakery. Within thirty seconds he asks her out for a beer. But when she discovers he’s an undercover DEA agent-and he’s investigating her possible role in her ex-husband’s drug business, Tess declares their relationship is over. Brock disagrees. He’s committed to his mission, but he’s fallen in love with the beautiful woman who’s as sweet as her cupcakes-and he’ll do anything to win her back.”), (3) Law Man (“Sweet, shy Mara Hanover is in love with her neighbor. For four years, she has secretly watched her dream man from afar. Handsome police detective Mitch Lawson is way out of her league. She’s a girl from the wrong side of the tracks [but] when Mara gets pulled back into the life she’s tried so hard to leave behind, it’s Mitch who comes to her rescue.”), (4) Motorcycle Man (“Tyra Masters has had enough drama to last a lifetime. Now she’s back on track and looking forward to her new quiet life. Until she meets the man of her dreams. The tattooed, muscled biker plies her with tequila-and the best sex of her life. She knows Kane “Tack” Allen is the kind of man she’s always wanted. Unfortunately, he’s also her new boss…”) — If you haven’t read these, be sure to grab this Dream Man sale bundle! And if you have read them, then pre-order the upcoming spin-off: Dream Maker!

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[twdeadfanfic]

Don’t look back Pt.3/3

*Summary:  Daryl is used to his brother coming and going out of his life, leaving him alone, since he was a kid. He’s used to Merle meaning trouble too, and to be dragged into all his messes as Daryl loyally follows his brother. But this time Merle’s mess has reached top and has affected more people than the brothers, and Daryl finds himself wanting to step in and fix it, as once again he’s left alone by his brother. Inspired by me wondering how Daryl felt about having always done as Merle says and yet being always left alone, and especially by wondering how is Daryl so good with kids, handling baby Judith so good, like a pro since day one.

*Tags/Warnings: There’s cute stuff here, but the main tag is Angst. Daryl’s pov, there’s an OC (well…two…), but still, this is mostly a Daryl Dixon fic. Once again, this gets pretty angsty, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Last chapter! This is going to be very, very angsty people! You’ve been warned.

Also, I’ve been reblogging some pictures of Norman Reedus that I’ve called “young Daryl” and some gifsets that I think kind of have a bit of the vibe of this mini-series. If you want to check it, this is the tag: Don’t look back (Sorry but tumblr doesnt allow me to direct link it)

Link to my masterlist with my other works can be found on the description of this blog. I’m sorry for the inconvenience, but tumblr doesn’t show posts with links in the tags.

------

Months later, Daryl is still thinking about Claire’s words. He doesn’t know much about Merle’s situation, but now he knows he’s indeed getting an early release, though not until months. Daryl still means what he told Claire, he’s not going to stop being her friend, seeing her an Emily, but he can’t help but be nervous about what Merle is going to think and how his life is going to be with his brother back again.

He’s gone to the woods, further than usual, camped the night there, both to try and clear his mind and also to try and hunt a deer. He’s been only successful at the latest, and so now he’s trying to tie the deer to the bike, which is not that easy. Maybe he shouldn’t have taken the bike for this, but he wanted to ride.

He rides back, plans on going to see Claire and Emily, give them some deer. Between the kindergarten and Claire working more, he doesn’t see them as often as he did once, but still often enough. He doesn’t want to show up at her place with a dead deer over his shoulders and so first he goes to his place to get it ready. It takes him a while, so when he rides to Claire’s place he knows Emily would be back from the kindergarten and Claire’d have finished working too.

“Hi!” Claire grins when she opens the door. “How was your hunting?”

“Got a deer.” He hands him a pack with some of the meat he got ready.

He walks inside and finds Emily inside that kind of big cage that Claire calls park, playing with some toys.  She smiles when she sees him, reaching out to him, babbling something that sounds like “hi.” She does that lately, she stills babbles nonsense but also things like no, mum, and some other little words.  Claire has said she’s going to teach her to say ‘Daryl’ and he’s not sure if she was kidding or not, but the idea makes him feel giddier than he wants to admit.

“Hi darlin’, what did you do to end up in baby jail?” He asks as he kneels down next to the park thing, picking Emily up and placing her outside.

“I told you not to call it like that,” Claire says, humor in her voice, as she goes to leave the meat in the kitchen. “It’s a park.”

“A park, yeah, sure, does it looks like a park to you, sweetheart?” He wouldn’t be caught talking like that to Emily outside that house, the idea mortifies him. He’s still embarrassed doing it in front of Claire, but not as much as once he had been. Emily babbles a “no” and Daryl looks at Claire, smirking. She rolls her eyes but smiles too.

Emily holds on Daryl’s hands as she tries to stand up. Daryl helps her steady herself as she tries taking some steps, his smile going wide. She’s always been a fast crawler, but now she’s trying to take steps too. “I’m going to come one day and you’re gonna be walking already, uh?”

“Then she’s going to be spending more time in baby jail. She already manages to get everywhere just by crawling the moment I don’t have my eye on her, I don’t want to think about her walking.”

“Nah, I’ll bail you out.” Daryl keeps helping Emily stumbling steps until the little girl gets bored of it and she sits down on Daryl’s leg, reaching out to grab a stuffed bunny that was one of her favorites.

“Bun.” She babbles as she tries to push it onto Daryl’s hand, he’s not very sure as for what.

“Hey, that’s a new word,” he says as he holds the bunny, still unsure of what Emily wants him to do with it.

“Yeah, a bunny.” Claire goes to sit down next to them. “Like the ones Daryl hunts and I’ve been feeding you, doesn’t that seem conflicting to you?” She jokes, Emily’s little enough not to understand what she’s saying. “No? Then wait until you watch Bambi and Daryl takes you hunting deer.”

Daryl snorts, nudging Claire with his shoulder, but Emily just smiles, unaware, taking another plushy, a fish this time, and pushing Daryl with it again. “What does she want me to do?”

“Don’t know, ask her.” Claire smiles, seeming amused, and she grabs a plushy to throw it at Daryl too. He rolls his eyes at her but can’t even pretend to be annoyed.

For a while, Daryl is silent, holding toys that Emily passes him as she babbles its names, sometimes right sometimes not, half his mind in the little girl, half the other still on his brother.

“Merle’s getting the early release.” He finally blurts out. He waits for Claire to say something, but she doesn’t, so Daryl glances at her. She’s serious and thoughtful, and Daryl guesses what she might be thinking about.

“I meant what I told you, just cos my brother’s back doesn’t mean I’m not going to see you both anymore. That ain’t happening.” Daryl knows how Merle can be, but he’ll think something, he’ll make it work. Claire just shrugs in silence. “You don’t believe me.” He deflates. He holds Emily a bit tighter, like if that could shield him from his emotions, but it does the opposite.

“It’s not that.” Claire let’s out a sigh. “Just…I wouldn’t hold it against you, if you do.” She fidgets with one of the toys as she speaks. “You’ve done enough for us. And Merle’s your brother, and you were always following him before, so-”

“I ain’t my brother’s dog or nothing, woman!” Daryl snaps harsher than he wants without letting her stop, he can’t help it, he’s always hated how he indeed ends up doing whatever Merle tells him. Emily looks at him, startled, like if he had scared her, and it’s like a punch to the gut.

“I’m sorry.” He murmurs.

“I didn’t mean it like that, Daryl.” Claire begins speaking softly again. “But you guys were always together, you’re brothers, so if when he’s back Emily and I don’t quite fit in the picture…well, I understand, and-”

“Stop with that.” Daryl cuts her again, softer this time. “I already told you nothing’s going to change.” It wasn’t entirely true, things would change with Merle there, Daryl knew it, but nothing was going to change the fact that Claire was his best friend and that he’d always want to help her to take care of Emily and protect the little girl, not Merle, not anything. He was loyal to his brother, but now he was loyal to Claire and Emily too.

“Okay.” Claire gives him a tiny smile.

“Only thing that can happen is that you will have to put up with my brother sometimes.” Daryl half-jokes, totally aware of how Merle can be sometimes, but Claire already knew him and she isn’t one to scare easy. Besides, Daryl doesn’t really plan on letting Merle around Emily too often.

“I can do that.” Claire’s smile goes a bit wider.

“Settled, then.”

They fall silent again but is not as tense as before. Daryl watches as Claire and Emily play with some construction blocks, passing them some from time to time as they build something without a defined form.

“What’s this supposed to be?” He asks as he passed them the block Emily pointed, way too big to place it on top of the other four that she has placed before.

“Modern art,” Claire replies, reaching out to stop the small tower from falling down. “She’s an artist, you see.”

“I see.”  He smirks. “Gonna be a while until she can put a bike together.”

“She doesn’t want to put together a bike, she’s an artist, I told you.”

Emily doesn’t say anything, just passes Daryl another block, babbling as he waits for him to place it on top of the tower.

*

Daryl has gone out to the woods again, further this time, to the place where his uncle took him to camp as a kid to teach him how to hunt when his father was too drunk and too out of control. That, until his uncle left him too.

He likes the solitude, likes the woods and being out there, likes it better than the town, but after a couple of days he’s more than ready to go back to see Claire and Emily. He had just needed to clear his mind.

For all his words to Claire, Daryl can’t help but worry as days pass and Merle’s release date gets closer. It must be in a week or so by now, or maybe just days. Is not that he doesn’t want his brother to come back, he misses him, it’s just he can almost hear him making fun and what not of him and his friendship with Claire and her little girl. And he’s not sure how Merle’s going to take all the time he spends with Emily and Claire. He doesn’t think he’s going to like it, though. He’s unsure too of what his brother is going to want them to do once he’s back.

Anyway, there’s no point worrying about that now. It feels wrong, telling Claire that he’s not going to stop hanging out with her just because his brother is getting back and then spending more time in the woods, but he thinks she understands.

He has taken Merle’s bike again so he can enjoy it before he’s back, and he has left it hidden in some bushes at the outside of the woods. He should clean it before his brother gets back.

He makes his way back to where he left the bike but before he can reach it, he sees a man stumbling to him, seeming to come from the road. His clothes are ragged and bloodied, his face gray and splashed with more blood, his eyes clouded. Maybe he’s been in some kind of accident, he looks so bad Daryl doesn’t know how he’s walking.

“You okay, man?”

He doesn’t answer, and the more he approaches the more Daryl realizes he doesn’t look normal. Like, at all. A shiver runs through Daryl's spine as he looks at him, he looks beyond ill, dead even. The man begins reaching out for him, growling. Maybe he’s insane.

"Stop right there!” Daryl yells, raising his crossbow, and when the man keeps going Daryl loses the arrow, aiming to stop him but not kill him. The man keeps going though, doesn’t even seem to notice the arrow, so the next one Daryl loses goes straight through his chest. That doesn’t stop him either, and Daryl is dumbfounded for a moment. Before he knows what’s happening, the man throws himself at him with more strength that he seems to have and Daryl falls to the ground with him on top.

He struggles, trying to push him away but the man doesn’t relent, trying to bite him. Daryl manages to get out his hunting knife and stabs the man with it several times, but he doesn’t stop, and not knowing what to do, Daryl sinks it into the man’s skull as hard as he can. That finally makes him stop moving and Daryl kicks him off him when he drops dead on top of him.

Daryl rushes onto his feet, looking at the corpse, a thousand confusing thoughts racing through his mind. He doesn’t know what’s going on or what to do, but before he can think anything else, he sees another man and a woman looking like that going to him. He aims again, this time the arrow going straight to the woman’s chest but that doesn’t make her stop, neither the one straight to her heart and so Daryl aims at her head, and that makes her fall down. Her next arrow goes straight to the man’s head.

Daryl still doesn’t know what to do or what to think, all he knew is that he has to get out of there and back to the town. He takes the bike off the bushes and rides back to the road. There is a car there and two corpses lying on the ground, but Daryl ignores it, driving back to the town.

Halfway there he finds a couple of cars crashed on the road, and what it seems like one of those things, which Daryl is starting to doubt are people anymore, bended on top of someone, seeming to be biting him, or eating him, or Daryl doesn’t know what but he doesn’t stop, speeding up, going as fast as he can. Whatever is going on, Daryl needs to get to the town and check on Claire and Emily.

There are some more of those things at the town, roaming the streets, looking at him when they hear the bike, snapping, while others seem to be eating the people that are dead on the ground, and maybe Daryl is going crazy but he’s pretty sure those are people he knows. He still doesn’t know what’s going on, it just gets weirder and weirder, but whatever it is, it’s not good.

“Help!”

Daryl’s about to ignore the voice pleading for help but a woman runs in front of his bike, making him slam the breaks and almost falling down. Before he can yell at her he sees what seems one of those things, and this time he’s sure he knows her, he has seen her enough times at the park. Without thinking it twice, he rushes to take his crossbow and shoots at the head before she can get too close.

“The hell is going on?” He snaps at the woman who’s stopped in front of his bike.

“That, hell! The dead walking!” The woman seems out of herself but it’s not like Daryl can really blame her. “The end of the world!” Daryl scoffs at that, turning on the engine again. “I’ve seen it on tv, it’s not only here, it’s everywhere, people are going insane like that and attacking people everywhere!”

Daryl’s head has been on Claire and Emily the whole time, but it goes to his brother at that. Everywhere? Does that mean the jail where Merle is too? The knot of worry that’s clenching his stomach gets worse, he needs to go there and find his brother, and then Merle’ll know what to do. But first he needs to check on Claire and the little girl, make sure they are okay. Maybe she can convince Claire to go with him to get Merle or at least he needs to get her and Emily to a safe place, because that town is seeming crazier every passing minute.

Without any other word, the woman rushes into what Daryl guesses it’s her car to drive away. She should be good enough and so Daryl speeds up to Claire’s place. Those things snap their heads at him but Daryl ignores them, stopping just to shoot at them when they’re blocking the way, but he tries to just drive through them, afraid of getting out of arrows, and there’s not enough of them to actually block the road.

Daryl stops in front of Claire’s place, his worry going out of control when he sees the door is open and he straights out panics when he rushes inside and sees blood on the floor. He’s about to call for Claire but then there’s a horrifying gurgling sound and he sees her lying on the floor, hands clutching her throat as blood pours over them.

Daryl straight blacks out for a second but then he’s rushing to her, falling onto his knees next to her, pulling her into his arms. He doesn’t know what to do, panic gripping him as he takes her hands and sees her throat tore open. Claire looks at him with cloudy eyes as she chokes and gurgles, and Daryl thinks she chokes out something that sounds like ‘Emily’ but he’s not sure. He knows he has to find the little girl and keep her safe, but he can’t leave Claire.

He doesn’t know if Claire’s shaking or if it’s him, but his hands are trembling as he presses them to her throat and he’s sure his heart stops when Claire closes her eyes, lying limp on his arms. “No, no, no, Claire, hey.” He all but pants for air as his lungs seem to stop working, he has to do something but he doesn’t know what, the fear that grips his heart telling him she’s beyond help.

Claire’s eyes open to look at him as he shakes her and for a crazy second Daryl dares to have hope, but then she stops chocking and gurgling, her eyes fixed on him but empty, and just like that she’s gone.

Daryl can only stare at her body, his vision turning blurry as tears fill his eyes. He’s shaking, and his lungs burn as he gasps for air. It doesn’t feel real and at the same time it feels too real. It huts like it’s real. Daryl doesn’t think he can move, his body doesn’t seem to respond, but he forces himself to do it, he has to. He has to find Emily and keep her safe, though he doesn’t know what to do or where to go. He has to find Merle, take Emily with him, make sure both his brother and the little girl are safe, and then Merle will know what to do.

He’s holding Claire’s body against him but he makes himself lie her onto the floor to get up, tries not to look at her but he does and for a moment the pain overwhelms him again, threatening to make him crumble and fall again, but he forces himself to shut it and keep going. He rubs his eyes as he takes a deep breath, realizing too late that his hands are wet with Claire’s blood, smearing it over his face, turning his stomach.

Daryl chokes a whimper but he has no time for that, he has to find Emily. The little girl is going to be scared seeing him like that, though. At least she didn’t have to see her mother like that, she’s not around, and for a moment Daryl fears Emily’s not in the house and he’s not going to be able to find her, but it’s past time she was home from the kindergarten and he can see his little boots propped up at the side of the sofa. She has to be there, and this time it’s not going to be too late.

“Emily? Sweetheart?” He calls for her and there’s no babbly answer but Daryl forces himself not to panic and he rushes to her room. She’s in the corridor, sitting on the floor with her back to him as if blissfully oblivious to everything that’s going on, and Daryl lets out a relieved sigh. “Darlin’, we have to go, alright?”

Daryl walks closer to pick her up but stops, his blood freezing in his veins when he hears the growl coming from Emily. No, it can’t be that. She turns around and looks at him with those empty eyes, the same that the things on the streets have, her face drained of color but the red of the blood that has splashed it, contorting into something that terrifies Daryl as she snarls. It can’t be real.

Her little hands reach out for him as she growls and she tries to get up, stumbling a couple of steps before she falls down and resorts to crawling. Daryl can’t move, can’t think, can’t breathe, he feels as he’s as dead as Claire, empty, his mind numb.

Somehow his survival instinct kicks in through his shock, forcing him to stop looking at what is not Emily anymore, to turn away and run out of the house, but he’s not sure how he’s able to do it because next thing Daryl knows is that he’s on Merle’s bike riding as fast as he can, he doesn’t know where, doesn’t care. His mind is still clouded, making him feel numb, but that’s better than the pain. The pain is too much.

He takes a turn, just because, gets into the woods, keeps riding until the wheels of the bike get stuck in the mud and both the bike and him fall to the ground, hitting his head, but Daryl doesn’t care, doesn’t bother to try to get up. He wants his mind to be numb and the pain in his head is better to the one in his heart.

This doesn’t make sense. He still doesn’t know what’s going on but he doesn’t care, all he knows is that Claire is gone and that Emily is…something that is nor her, and it doesn’t make sense. Daryl curls on himself, closes his eyes. Maybe it’s a nightmare, maybe he’ll wake up, his nightmares are terrifying, painful, but they don’t hurt like this, and he knows this is real.

He can’t help his sobs, can’t stop them, neither the tears that burn his eyes. They are gone, he doesn’t understand how or why, but they are gone, his best friend and her little girl, the people Daryl wanted to protect, the people he ended up caring about so, so much, the people that made him happy, made his life better, the people he loves.

It hurts worse than if one of his bolts had gone through his heart, it hurts worse than if his heart’d have been ripped out of his chest while he’s still alive, his stomach clenches and turns, making him want to throw up.  

Daryl stays like that, curled, eyes closed, fighting to breathe, until he hears a growl and knows that one of those things are close, but he can’t find the will to get up and fight it, he doesn’t want to move. His survival instinct kicks in once again when the thing gets close enough to reach him, though, making him move like a robot, getting up and facing the thing that growls and snarls, reaching out and trying to grab him

Daryl doesn’t bother to get an arrow on the crossbow and aim, he just bashes the crossbow onto the thing’s head, hitting it hard. The thing fells to the ground, probably dead, but Daryl keeps hitting and hitting, yelling at it, until what was its head isn’t recognizable anymore. He drops the crossbow and kicks the dead body until his legs give up and he falls to the ground.

He doesn’t want to feel. He wants to be numb again, he wants to shut it down, but images keep coming to his mind and there’s no way to stop them. He can’t get it out of his mind, the image of Emily, or the thing with Emily’s dead face.

He closes his eyes tight and he can almost see her when she was so, so tiny, wrapped in the scarf…the first time he held her…playing with her while she babbled…her holding onto his hands stubbornly trying to walk, but all those memories faze and all he can see is her dead face snarling as her dead body somehow crawled to him. Because Daryl knows it, knows that even though she’s moving, she’s dead, no matter he doesn’t understand how, and she’s not coming back

His memories of Claire smiling to him, joking as they three played together, talking with him for hours and hours as they walked, telling him he was his best friend, having his back in more ways than she knew, all them turn into her body dead in his arms, her empty eyes on him, he tries to hear her voice but all he hears is her gurgling as she chocked.

Daryl can’t take it and he curls onto himself again, shaking, his lugs burning as if his body doesn’t want to breathe anymore.

He was supposed to take care of them, to protect them, and he wasn’t there. He should have been there. He should have saved them. They should be alive. He failed them and now they are gone and he’s alone, and it hurts too much to keep going.

“And you call yourself a Dixon? You are a shame. Lying there on top of a pile of brains, whimpering like some pussy. This is all on you, Lil’ brother, all your fault.”

Daryl’s thinks he’s going insane when he hears Merle’s voice. Maybe he’s turning into one of those things too.

“You’ve been like this since you were this Lil’ brat, I always had to drag you everywhere with me, tried to teach you to be like me, and all for this…all I got for a brother is this whining, crying, useless, weak mess…I’m ashamed to call you my blood.”

Merle’s voice ranting again, so clear, and this time Daryl looks up but he can’t see his brother anywhere. He’s really going insane.

“You’re gonna be lying there, whimpering like a beaten dog, until you get your useless ass eaten? Nah, Lil’ brother, you stole your older brother’s bike and now you’re gonna get it back to him. So come on, get your whining ass on that bike and drive it to me, and without any scratch. Come on, Darylina.”

Merle.

He’s right.

His brother might still be alive, he has to. Of course he’s alive. He’s Merle. Merle doesn’t die.

Daryl has to find him.

He tries to get up but his legs are shaking too much. His head thumps from when he hit it when he fell off the bike but that’s good, that’s welcomed. He sits down, takes a deep breath. He wants to be numb again, he needs to be numb again, he doesn’t want to feel, he can’t.

He doesn’t want the pain, the hurt, the memories, the feelings. He shuts everything, he pushes everything down, somewhere where he hopes he won’t have to feel it or see it again. All his memories of Claire and Emily. He doesn’t want anything of that anymore, he can’t handle it. He needs it gone.

He struggles but at the end he manages to push everything down, to shut it down. He has to find Merle.  Nothing else matters now but finding his brother.

Daryl gets up, takes the bike, drags it out of the mud. Emily liked to play in the sand and the mud, Claire never minded the little girl getting dirty if that meant she was having fun, she neither minded getting her clothes full of mud. Daryl can almost hear them laughing and tears burn in his eyes again as he gasps for air.

No.

That’s gone.

He has to shut that down.

Or otherwise he won’t be able to keep going, and he needs to find Merle.

He pushes it all down, all the pain, all the feelings, everything, shuts himself.

Daryl drags the bike back to the road, gets on it, kicks on the engine and seeps up, off to find his brother, fast enough he can’t think, fast enough he can’t feel anything that’s not the wind, and he doesn’t look back.

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Well...I told you this was going to be angsty :( I’m really sorry people, but I had this idea in my mind and I hade to write it down. I think it makes sense with how hard Daryl tried to find Sophia, he’s very protective and he likes kids, he didn’t want another one to die, and also it makes snse with how good and sweet he was with lil asskicker. Writing this killed me, I cried, but I also love it.

Next monday a liltte one-shot/imagine based on 9x09 is coming, and then on wednesday a new series begins. I hope you’ll like those! You can read the summaries in my masterlist.

Thank you all for reading! I hope you liked it! If you have a moment, please let me know your thoughts in the comments, your feedback makes my day!rry if there are mistakes.

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[mikeyd1986]

MIKEY’S PERSONAL BLOG 135, December 2018

Last Saturday night, I attended the CinFull Fitness Christmas break-up held at The Main Cafe Bar Restaurant in Berwick. Considering that I had to work for 9 hours and quickly got myself changed after work (into an ugly Christmas sweater of course), I was amazed at how “awake” I was. The restaurant was a lot more fully booked than I expected and I could tell that the staff were flat off their feet. I easily found the table that Cinamon booked for us so I just decided to walk on over.

The sad reality is that I hardly ever go out socially so tonight I was making the most of it. Still, I was being sensible with my alcohol intake especially when I had to get up early for work the next day. Cinamon made up these cute little gift bags with a personalised name tag, each containing some bath bombs and choccies. It was a really sweet and thoughtful gesture. I decided to order the poached chicken with chips, which ironically was the first meal to arrive considering I got there a bit late.

Even though social situations will continue to be a challenge for me, I was doing my best simply tuning into the conversations happening around me. As I’ve stated before in previous blogs, it takes a while for me to be comfortable enough to open up about myself to people. I guess it’s a self-defensive mechanism of mine, being cautious about who I trust and trying my best not to get hurt. I’m certainly not a closed book either, simply just shy and reserved.

I could also tell that these girls (and guy) were all pretty relaxed around me. That actually puts me at ease because I know girls can have preconceived notions about men but the truth is that they have nothing to fear. I try to be the most easy going, friendly, caring, humble man because that’s my nature. We did have plenty of laughs and somehow I managed to stay for over 2 hours, which is a pretty big achievement for me.

I didn’t even need to rush over to the toilet once (for a mental regroup) so that shows my progress with being in social situations. I enjoyed my night and I’m really looking forward to smashing more fitness and confidence goals in 2019 with CinFull Fitness.

On Monday afternoon, I had an appointment with my occupational therapist Ambika from Everyday Independence. I was feeling a bit nervous and apprehensive today as I really didn’t know what I’d be in for. I did my best to create a calming, relaxed space in the dining room with my folder full of notes, a notepad, glass of water and radio playing softly in the background. At least I could say that I was physically prepared for this.

The appointment seemed to go pretty smoothly as Ambika gauged what I needed assistance with at home and together we put together a helpful weekly planner to add household chores to including cooking, cleaning, dusting vacuuming, sweeping, wiping certain rooms of the house. She also made it realistic and manageable, considering I don’t do many of these tasks currently, in order to build up motivation and confidence gradually.

She’s set me the task of preparing my own recipe for dinner including writing out a shopping list and buying all the ingredients. Sounds simple enough, it’s just the “doing” part now. Ambika also recommended a few apps I could use to help with moods, coping strategies for stress and anxiety as well as daily planning and checklists. These are Daylio - Diary, Journal and Mood Tracker, Headspace: Meditation and Mindfulness and Google Keep - Notes & Lists.  

On Monday night, I attended my last Boxing class for the year with Cinamon Guerin at CinFull Fitness in Narre Warren South. It’s hard to believe that it’s been five months since I’ve joined this group and I can definitely see the improvements I’ve made with my confidence, focus, determination and drive. I’ve always been slow to warm up when it comes to learning boxing techniques and combos but it doesn’t take me long before I’ve “got it”. https://www.expertboxing.com/boxing-basics/how-to-box/the-beginners-guide-to-boxing

It was just a couple of us tonight (Sam, Sarah and myself) but I was content with that. I was actually worried that I wouldn’t get there on time with all the local peak-hour traffic making me run late but I made it. We did some EMOM (Every Minute on the Minute) drills which involved 10 jabs, 20 uppercuts, 30 highs and 40 hooks plus 4 side to side straddles, 10 star jumps, a squat hold and 10 V-crunches. Plus some continuous walking combos which made us all laugh.  

I’m hoping that in the new year, I’ll be able to come to classes more regularly and even stick around for a “double” one time. But right now I know my limits in terms of physical fitness. It’s something I need to continue to work on so that I don’t get as tired or fatigued as often. It’s about forming better habits and smashing through goals gradually. It doesn’t matter how many times I go off track, I’m going to keep bringing myself back.

On Tuesday morning, Mum and I attended the City of Casey - School Crossing Supervisor’s Christmas social function held at Zagame's Berwick Hotel. Switching the venue from last year’s event at the Lynbrook Hotel to here seemed like a good idea on paper considering how large the turnout was. Sadly, they still ran into a few problems such as using a “random bingo number” system to organise everyone’s meal orders. It was chaotic and messy to say the least especially with Sonya having to yell out the numbers instead of using a microphone. Going table by table would have been much more efficient but never mind.

We were lucky to sit in a comfy circular booth near the rear of the Sports Bar with Mum’s friend Val plus Kay and Ray. They put on a Morning Melodies performance for an hour, playing a mixture of Christmas songs (Hark Now Hear The Angels Sing, Blue Christmas, Rockin’ Around The Christmas Tree) and a few classics including ABBA’s Dancing Queen and Honey Honey, You’re The One That I Want by John Travolta & Olivia Newton John and Sugar, Honey Honey by The Archies.

After the drama with the main meals was over, Dreena (the School Crossing Co-ordinator) announced a few years of service awards and drew out some door prizes. Mum was lucky enough to win one which I was very pleased about. As expected, I got asked the question of what I’ll be doing next year. I always find it really daunting and hard answering because I never really know myself. I’ve lived this year pretty much day to day.

It’s like people expect you to have your life mapped out for the next 5-10 years but in reality, I’m lucky to plan a month in advance. However, I am considering enroling in one of the free TAFE courses such as the Certificate IV in Mental Health as I have personal experience as well as a keen interest in that area. Plus I still have a burning passion for creative writing including blogs and music/movie reviews and also getting back into art again. So there you go. Hopefully that’s a satisfying enough answer for those wondering.

On Tuesday night, I went to the final Body Balance class for 2018 with Astrid held at YMCA Casey RACE in Cranbourne East. I was still feeling very tense through my upper back and shoulders after my boxing session last night so I figured some yoga and pilates stretches should help with that. We did the new release (number 83) which features tracks including Towards The Sun by Rhianna, Die Young by Sylvan Esso, There She Goes by Leon Bridges, I Need a Forest Fire by James Blake & Bon Iver. https://www.lesmills.com/workouts/fitness-classes/bodybalance/#facType=modal&filterType=0&classes=bb

Overall, this wasn’t a bad release. The balance tracks and Pilates were the most challenging parts for me but I did what I could given my limitations. Here is a breakdown of the exercises: Tai Chi Warm Up (Overhead arm circles, Flowing Water arms), Sun Salutations (Forward Fold, Low Lunge, Downward Facing Dog, Plank, Crocodile, Baby Cobra), Standing Strength (Warrior 1, Warrior 2, Joyful Warrior, Intense Pose), Balance (Half Moon pose, Falling Star pose), Pilates Core (Foot circles, V-crunches, Bicycle crunches, Bow pose), Twists and Seated Poses (Swan pose, Wide Legged Forward Fold with Side Stretches, Half Lord of the Fishes pose), Hamstrings (Butterfly pose, Happy Baby pose) and Relaxation. https://www.livestrong.com/article/39660-body-balance-class/

On Friday morning, I had my first appointment with a speech pathologist named Amon from Everyday Independence. Was it going to be like the opening scene from Everybody Loves Raymond? (THEY’RE COMING! Come and sing a song of joy!). Probably not. That’s just my anxiety trying hard to freak me out. New person alert. Oh shit! It’s something I need to seriously confront in order to gain more self confidence really. And the reality is that he’s here to help me. https://www.everydayind.com.au/our-therapies/speech-pathology/

Today’s assessment involved being asked a lot of scerario-based questions related to my communication skills and how I talk with people I know and people I’m not familiar with. It was pretty difficult and confronting at times especially the part on making conversation. This is an area where I have huge issues and a lot of sensitivity about ever since my childhood. Plus it’s really draining answering questions for 1.5 hours. https://www.everydayind.com.au/therapy/communications-skills/

Luckily, Amon was very friendly and easy going. It was just tough coming up with decent answers like how I respond in certain situations and trying to remember specific examples of times when this happened. When you’re in a brain fog or you simply can’t come up with anything, it’s embarrassing as. But Amon was quite patient during these awkward silences and didn’t push me too hard.

We also came up with a couple of goals to work towards over the next 12 months. This includes: Being more confident and using strategies to make conversation with others, especially people that I’m not familiar with. Developing friendships with people I feel comfortable with and be able to spend time socially with in the future. I rated my level of importance has high for both of these goals. Hopefully 2019 will be a more successful year for me in terms of achieving more self-confidence and better communication.

“The cold wind is blowin' and the streets are getting dark. I'm writin' you a letter and I don't know where to start. The bells will be ringin' Saint John the Divine. I get a little lonely every year around this time...I've got to know (Nobody ought to be all alone on Christmas). Where do the lonely hearts go (Nobody ought to be all alone on Christmas). Oh cause' nobody ought to be all alone on Christmas.” Darlene Love - All Alone On Christmas (1992)

“All around the world. Anticipation. 'Cause here it comes again (you see). No matter where you are. It could be near or far. But it still feels like Christmas time to me. I tell you what you already know. Forget and ready to let it go. The countdown has begun. Whether you're in the mmh. North, South, it's all the same. Let your troubles fade away. Get ready to love everyone.” Kylie Minogue & Dannii Minogue - 100 Degrees (2015)

[heavenwheel]

Six Links Worthy Of Your Attention #420

Is there one link, story, picture or thought that you saw online this week that you think somebody you know must see?

My friends: Alistair Croll (Solve for Interesting, Tilt the Windmill, HBS, chair of Strata, Startupfest, Pandemonio, and ResolveTO, Author of Lean Analytics and some other books), Hugh McGuire (PressBooks, LibriVox, iambik and co-author of Book: A Futurist's Manifesto) and I decided that every week the three of us are going to share one link for one another (for a total of six links) that each individual feels the other person "must see".

Check out these six links that we're recommending to one another: 

Radio host quits job over chronic dread, then decides to face her fears head-on - Out In The Open - CBC. "I wish I had the time to spend a year doing the things that frighten me. But first I'd have to figure out what those were, which sounds pretty terrifying in itself." (Alistair for Hugh).

Ethical Algorithms - Bias and Explainability in Machine Learning Systems - New York Artificial Intelligence - YouTube. "Kathryn Hume is a national treasure. One of the most eloquent, poetic thinkers I've ever met on the subjects of technology and society. Here's a video of her talking about explainability and bias in artificial intelligence. It's dense, but fascinating." (Alistair for Mitch).

David Harvey on Capital. Interview with The Dig Podcast - Reading Marx's Capital With David Harvey. "Did you know I'm a bit of an idealist/socialist/marxist-ish kind of guy? I'm not sure what the solutions are, and I don't much trust Marxists to find them, but I've always liked the Marxist analysis of the problems of capitalism. David Harvey is one of the great scholars of Marx, and everything I've heard and read from him is insightful. In this podcast, he muses on some of the current problems we find ourselves in, the difference between insane people and an insane system, the reason the left should embrace AI and not fight it, and he makes the case that the 'market' is anything but 'rational' ... if it were rational, why is it that we see, side buy side, a surplus of capital accumulation, needing ever more complex mechanisms to deploy it (eg building empty cities in China), and a surplus of labour, with little ability to put these two together for productive uses?" (Hugh for Alistair).

The horror and the wonder of jellyfish - New Statesman. "Jellyfish are strange things!" (Hugh for Mitch). 

Billionaire Ray Dalio: A.I. is widening the wealth gap, 'national emergency should be declared' - CNBC. "Artificial intelligence is going to cause a much deeper wealth gap. That's not just the words of a famed billionaire talking. I believe it too. I'm sure that do as well? If we think about the impact of AI today, instead of worrying about when it really happens tomorrow, perhaps this headline is then not as outlandish as it may seem at first blush. Are we in the need to treat massive technological disruptions (like AI) as 'national emergencies'? You be the judge." (Mitch for Alistair).

The comic book artists that fuelled a century of science innovation - Quartz. "Last weekend, I spent a lot of time (and money) at Montreal ComicCon (along with 60,000 other people!). I've been a comic book nerd since I was a very little kid. OG. I can't remember not having comic books in my life. I liked the stories. I liked the characters. What really captured my imagination was the art. To this day, it's still the artwork that gets me every time. Here's the story of how comic books impact culture and innovation and science. Hint: it's not just big budget action adventure movies!" (Mitch for Hugh).

Feel free to share these links and add your picks on Twitter, Facebook, in the comments below or wherever you play.

Tags: advertising ai algorithm alistair croll art artist artwork   brand business blog cbc cnbc comic book comiccon content content marketing culture david harvey digital marketing digital marketing blog disruption facebook innovation jellyfish kathryn hume link link exchange machine learning marketing marketing blog mitch joel mitchjoel montreal comiccon nature new statesman new york artificial intelligence nyai out in the open podcast quartz ray dalio reading marxs capital with david harvey science six pixels of separation solve for interesting the dig podcast tilt the windmill twitter youtube

from Digital http://www.sixpixels.com/blog/archives/six-links-worthy-of-your-attention-420/ via http://www.rssmix.com/

[dillenwaeraa]

Six Links Worthy Of Your Attention #420

Is there one link, story, picture or thought that you saw online this week that you think somebody you know must see?

My friends: Alistair Croll (Solve for Interesting, Tilt the Windmill, HBS, chair of Strata, Startupfest, Pandemonio, and ResolveTO, Author of Lean Analytics and some other books), Hugh McGuire (PressBooks, LibriVox, iambik and co-author of Book: A Futurist's Manifesto) and I decided that every week the three of us are going to share one link for one another (for a total of six links) that each individual feels the other person "must see".

Check out these six links that we're recommending to one another: 

Radio host quits job over chronic dread, then decides to face her fears head-on - Out In The Open - CBC. "I wish I had the time to spend a year doing the things that frighten me. But first I'd have to figure out what those were, which sounds pretty terrifying in itself." (Alistair for Hugh).

Ethical Algorithms - Bias and Explainability in Machine Learning Systems - New York Artificial Intelligence - YouTube. "Kathryn Hume is a national treasure. One of the most eloquent, poetic thinkers I've ever met on the subjects of technology and society. Here's a video of her talking about explainability and bias in artificial intelligence. It's dense, but fascinating." (Alistair for Mitch).

David Harvey on Capital. Interview with The Dig Podcast - Reading Marx's Capital With David Harvey. "Did you know I'm a bit of an idealist/socialist/marxist-ish kind of guy? I'm not sure what the solutions are, and I don't much trust Marxists to find them, but I've always liked the Marxist analysis of the problems of capitalism. David Harvey is one of the great scholars of Marx, and everything I've heard and read from him is insightful. In this podcast, he muses on some of the current problems we find ourselves in, the difference between insane people and an insane system, the reason the left should embrace AI and not fight it, and he makes the case that the 'market' is anything but 'rational' ... if it were rational, why is it that we see, side buy side, a surplus of capital accumulation, needing ever more complex mechanisms to deploy it (eg building empty cities in China), and a surplus of labour, with little ability to put these two together for productive uses?" (Hugh for Alistair).

The horror and the wonder of jellyfish - New Statesman. "Jellyfish are strange things!" (Hugh for Mitch). 

Billionaire Ray Dalio: A.I. is widening the wealth gap, 'national emergency should be declared' - CNBC. "Artificial intelligence is going to cause a much deeper wealth gap. That's not just the words of a famed billionaire talking. I believe it too. I'm sure that do as well? If we think about the impact of AI today, instead of worrying about when it really happens tomorrow, perhaps this headline is then not as outlandish as it may seem at first blush. Are we in the need to treat massive technological disruptions (like AI) as 'national emergencies'? You be the judge." (Mitch for Alistair).

The comic book artists that fuelled a century of science innovation - Quartz. "Last weekend, I spent a lot of time (and money) at Montreal ComicCon (along with 60,000 other people!). I've been a comic book nerd since I was a very little kid. OG. I can't remember not having comic books in my life. I liked the stories. I liked the characters. What really captured my imagination was the art. To this day, it's still the artwork that gets me every time. Here's the story of how comic books impact culture and innovation and science. Hint: it's not just big budget action adventure movies!" (Mitch for Hugh).

Feel free to share these links and add your picks on Twitter, Facebook, in the comments below or wherever you play.

Tags: advertising ai algorithm alistair croll art artist artwork   brand business blog cbc cnbc comic book comiccon content content marketing culture david harvey digital marketing digital marketing blog disruption facebook innovation jellyfish kathryn hume link link exchange machine learning marketing marketing blog mitch joel mitchjoel montreal comiccon nature new statesman new york artificial intelligence nyai out in the open podcast quartz ray dalio reading marxs capital with david harvey science six pixels of separation solve for interesting the dig podcast tilt the windmill twitter youtube

from Marketing http://www.sixpixels.com/blog/archives/six-links-worthy-of-your-attention-420/ via http://www.rssmix.com/