#I texted and emailed these helplines (not willing to call bc I have dickhead demons for family and they will attack me or say stupid shit I | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

kayyqua · 10 months

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I can’t breathe normal I can’t swallow normal I can’t let my phlegm do it’s thing I’m fixated I do this thing where I’m checking over these 3 things on a continued cycle day in and out and in and out and in and out and I can’t breathe I can’t think I can’t swallow my phlegm production is too little or too much or too thick or too thin and nothing is right and everything hurts and makes me panic and I’m just

I have no life outside this

#I was stuck at the house for 8 years bc my ocd around these things was so bad I got super bad agoraphobia #bc the wind is a contribution to how your phlegm acts (thick or thin or dry or wet mouth) and it fucked me over #I couldn’t go out for 8 year #s #8 years bro #8 whole years wasted #I was being beaten up by both younger and older siblings and parents and I was getting mocked and I #I was being mocked left and right #oh 25 years old and can’t work and can’t leave the house and in a constant panic like a lil bitch #idk how to live lol #I had a panic attack 2 days ago and I’m still struggling and trying to cope #I haven’t gone out since #I texted and emailed these helplines (not willing to call bc I have dickhead demons for family and they will attack me or say stupid shit I #don’t care to hear)#and today I finally find what my issue is #I overfixate on my bodily functions #to a point where I can’t leave the fkn house in fear of my throat bleeding from how raw I am making it by trying to bring up phlegm and clea #clear my throat #persistently again and again and again #ocd #I hate and lament ever having been born if this was just what I was meant to live with #I wish god would end my life here or just do me a solid and remove all traces of fear from me #I’m tired #I just want an easy solution I’m not interested in living like this I can’t k myself tho unfortunately #anyways

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