#I think I have to pay for housing though which is kinda bozo and the pay isn't amazing but still excited

[applejarjar]

By the way I got the job!!!

[makebank]

secrets & suds

request: long request but to summarize jj is involved with a kook but hasn’t moved past hooking up, he gets in trouble for pope sinking the boat, and she decides to help out. 

word count: 2.3k

warnings: mentions of smut but none, cussing, typos, angst, fluff

He presses a quick kiss to your cheek as he throws his shirt over his disheveled head. His skin is slightly damp and glistening and some of his tufts of hair plastered to his forehead. “Gotta bounce, see you tomorrow?”

You beam at the blond from across the room and send him a smirk, “You always do”. He rushes out of your house just before dawn. JJ was always good about making sure to leave before your parents woke up, specifically your dad. You never minded the class division, but it was easy to say from your spot on the kook throne. You take a moment to regain your breath then toss yourself back onto your silky king size bed. Your satin pajama set lay wrinkled off the side of your bed, you knew he was going to love ripping off the matching outfit as soon as he saw you. 

For some time now you and JJ have had a little arrangement. And by arrangement that meant he came over most nights to fool around. Sometimes you’d get him to watch a movie or cuddle, but it was always interrupted by your parents waking up or his friends texting him for something. You weren’t exactly sure when you started to fall for the troublemaker, but it came with ease. He seemed so rough and mysterious, which is what amplified your want for him in the first place. But after closer observation, he is kind, gentle, and would do anything for you. Of course you knew it would never happen. He is too caught up in the division and himself to even want anything more than this. Not that you don’t love the time you get with him, but you crave more. 

You sigh as you stand up wrapping yourself in your fluffy robe. Peering out of your bedroom window, you watch JJ sprint across your lawn and expertly hop the high gate. 

-

Alternating between mindlessly scrolling through your phone and checking out your window, you grow impatient. JJ had never missed coming over without texting. You were worried something happened or maybe he was just bored of you. It was getting late, so you send a single text hoping he was okay and try to lull yourself to sleep.

-

The next morning you wake up and for a moment your fears weren’t there. Slowly blinking your eyes open, it all comes back to you. You reach for your phone hoping for some relief. To your dismay no new messages were from him. You jump out of bed and rush to take a quick shower. Some slight snooping wouldn’t hurt. 

You definitely weren’t close with any of JJ’s friends, but you did know where to find them. You enter the Wreck looking overwhelming overdressed in your designer shoes and this season’s newest sundress. You find a vacant booth and make yourself cozy until a curly haired girl you recognize as one of his best friends comes to get your drink order. After she introduces herself, it clicks. Kiara right you had a class with her freshman year of high school. Hm small world. She comes back with your coffee and asks what you’d like to order.

“Have you seen JJ lately?” you awkwardly ask. She shoots you a confused look before settling into a glare. “What’s it to you?” You stumble on your words, “Oh… nothing. He just normally mows our lawn on Wednesday mornings, but he didn’t show up. Just thought I’d ask”. She seems semi satisfied with your answer and doesn’t press for more detail. “Well, he’s busy. Not that it’s any of your business anyway. So do you want something to eat or not?” You weren’t sure why she was being so hostile it's not like you two ever had any direct problems. Maybe she was just being protective of her friend. You weren’t going to take it to heart. 

You slump down in your seat resigning to the fact you weren’t going to get any answers from her. “No, I think I’m good with just this. Thanks”. She huffs whatever and walks away. Just as you're about to leave you see a frantic boy rush up to the counter to Kiara. You knew it was Pope from the pictures JJ has shown you. He looks like he’s on the verge of meltdown. 

“I can’t believe JJ covered for me. Ten thousand dollars is a lot of money. I feel so bad! What do I do?” He’s running a mile a minute and Kiara tells him to lower his voice. She brings him into the back room to comfort him away from eavesdropping ears. However, you heard it all and can’t comprehend what happened that he would owe that much money. Nonetheless, you conclude that you’re going to find a way to help him, wherever he is. You drop a couple twenties leaving a hefty tip and rush out of the restaurant. 

Walking down the street you bump into the three bozos that rule your side of the island. They ogle you and shout their vulgar ‘compliments’ at you. You scoff but are well accustomed to their barbarian-like nature. As you strut away, you overhear Rafe yelling at Topper. “Dude, get over the boat! You won’t even hit on y/n with us. That Maybank kid will have to pay one way or another”. What was with today and perfect timing? You thought you were going to have to dig a little deeper.

You walk home to think of a plan. You had lots of money, but your parents would notice if you took that big of a chunk out without something nice to show in return. There was no way you could get that much, but you could find a way to get fifty percent. That would be enough to get the authorities off his back and give you time to talk down the Thorton’s. You decide you could easily sneak a couple thousand without your parents noticing, but you were going to have to figure out a way to come up with the rest. 

It dawns on you after spending all your childhood watching teen rom coms. A car wash! Everyone was always searching for one after a storm. Plus, it wouldn’t take much but a simple tweet and an instagram story to have people lining the block. You immediately text the girls’ group chat to set the plan for tomorrow. 

- 

You wake up with a spring in your step ready to put your plan into action. You frown a little knowing it was another day with no word from JJ. You hope he’s safe and just taking time to himself. 

Putting on your skimpiest bikini and shorts you gawk at yourself in the mirror. It’s not like you had a problem with showing yourself off, you just knew the attention you were in for today regardless. You were doing this for JJ though, you wanted to help him out and show him there’s a lot more to you than having money and pretending to be perfect. 

You greet all your friends and start setting up. As cars start to line up, you can’t help but giggle to yourself thinking of the stereotypical ‘Cherry Pie’ or “Milkshakes’ playing in the background of every car wash scene. You get to work flirting and scrubbing cars as you all work for every dollar. The nice thing about Figure 8 was that they were willing to spend whatever. Just as you were about to head to another car you hear someone shouting your name.

You whip around to see a red faced and furious JJ. “You’re alive!” You try to lighten the tension. “What the hell are you doing y/n?” You frown in confusion. “What do you mean? A car wash?” He doesn’t seem satisfied with your sarcasm. “You're half naked out here and all these guys can’t keep their hands to themselves,”  he remarks annoyed while flailing his arms. You grin for a moment realizing he’s jealous, then it dawns on you, “First of all, you just disappeared off the face of the earth for days. No text or anything. Second, since when you do you care about what other guys say to me?” He crosses his arms over his body clearly irritated by your logical retort. “It’s none of your business. And I don’t care”. All the energy drains from you at the impact of his words. “Fine. Then keep not caring and leave me alone.” You swivel around stalking off to another car leaving him alone. Even if he didn’t want you, you were determined to finish your job and then move on.

You turn over your shoulder to see JJ storming off in the other direction. Your heart aches at seeing him actually leave. At least you knew he was breathing now. The next car pulls up with Pope in it. “What was that all about?” Your eyes widen at one of his friends catching you. He chuckles, “It’s okay I know about you guys. He tells me everything”. You soften knowing you weren’t a complete secret. “I’m not sure. He’s upset with me though.” He sends you an empathetic smile, “Don’t worry. He’s dealing with a lot right now. He’ll cool down eventually.” You nod your head, “Yeah, I heard about that. That’s actually what this is all for,” you admit sheepishly. Pope’s eyebrows raise with confusion. “My mom had me bring the car, because she said it was raising money for the high school”. Yikes. “That’s my bad. I kinda said it was for whatever people would listen to, so people would come”. He laughs, “Quick thinking y/l/n. You want some help?” Now it's your turn to laugh. “I’m sure we could find you some short shorts somewhere.” He parks the car off to the side and grabs a sponge to contribute. 

The rest of the day goes by with a breeze while joking with Pope and the girls. The last car drives off and you all plop on the curb for a break. You dry off your hands and start counting the money. You could almost cry happy tears. You raised over four thousand dollars. You thank everyone and promise to buy them mimosas at brunch tomorrow. For spoiled rich kids, they sure knew how to help someone in need. Pope pulls you into a side hug, “Thanks for doing this for him”. You smile squeezing him back, “thanks for helping”. 

After putting on some real clothes you stalk off to the Thorton’s. They promise they’ll leave JJ alone about the couple thousand left so it can be paid off slowly, now that they have a down payment for another boat. You breathed a sigh of relief knowing you did all you could. 

-

JJ was relaxing at John B.'s when he got a call. After hanging up, he’s elated and full of energy. He yells to the pogues, “Guys they said I don’t have to serve any time for the boat!” They all jump up excited and ask how. “They said over half of the debt has been paid, so they said I’ll have to sign up for some payment plan. But this means it won’t be on my record or anything”. They all join him in a group hug congratulating him. John B. pipes up, “Who paid it?” JJ stops for a moment considering that it wasn’t just magic, and the only person he knew that had money that knew was Kie. “Did you have your parents do it Kie? I seriously can’t thank you enough,” he picks her up into a giant hug. She shakes her head once he lets her down. “No, I wish I could’ve though. Sorry man.” 

Pope is smirking thinking about his day yesterday trying not to blow his cover. JJ notices. “What do you know, Pope?” He just shakes his head not budging. JJ throws his arm around his neck putting him into a choke hold wrestling move. Kie and John B. are enjoying watching them fight until Pope taps out. “Fine! It was y/n. That’s what the whole giant parade of cars getting washed was”. JJ freezes speechless. He turns on his heels and instantly busts out of the chateau. 

Meanwhile, you’re getting into comfy clothes preparing yourself for a lonely movie marathon tonight. Just as you settle into your thousand thread count sheets, your door swings open making you jump. “JJ you scared the shit out of me. What are you doing here?” He crosses your abnormally large room beelining to you. He grabs your chin and pulls you into a kiss. Your hand naturally falls to his arm as you allow him to passionately lead your lips. You pull away gasping for air. “What was that for?” 

He sits down next to you. “I am so sorry. I’m sorry for disappearing and not texting you. And I’m really sorry for being such a dick yesterday at the car wash. I didn’t know you were doing all that for me. Either way though I shouldn’t have acted like that. Thank you for what you did. It means a lot. I’ll repay you I promise”. You smile rubbing your thumb against his hand. “I forgive you. You don’t need to repay me, we worked for it. You were right though, it wasn’t my business”. He shakes his head, “I wasn’t right. I like you a lot. I’m stupid for not saying it before. I just didn’t know how to tell you about all my issues and thought I’d scare you off.”

You lean over kissing him on his cheek to soothe his obvious tension. “You can’t scare me off. And I really like you too. You can trust me with your secrets, but I’ll try not to meddle anymore if you don’t want to tell me.” Grabbing your arms to scoot you closer, he brings you in for another long and deep kiss. “Don’t worry. You can know all my secrets now,” he winks as he pulls his shirt off easing you back onto the bed. 

taglist in reblog, join in my bio

[thattimdrakeguy]

Robin - the first miniseries - issue #2 (R.I.P Tom Lyle)

This issue is really good at letting you know the bare bones basics of what Tim’s going through in this story.

It may not go through all the details, but it gives you pretty much the main components of what you need to do.

A nice recap that’s always good for readers that didn’t pick up the first issue. It’s very easy, and simple at lowering any confusion.

Although there is probably still butt loads given how little they actually say, but it’s easy to pick up.

Robin’s getting beat up, this adult man who is obviously not Batman is helping him.

You can pick it up fast and continue from there.

They also give Tim’s narration, and I can’t help but read this in the most deadpan clinically exhausted tone reality can bring. It’s so deadpan and self-depreciating, but at the same time, it lets the reader know he has that boy scout thought process.

You get a sense that the kid’s doing his best to be a superhero, but it always does a good job of letting you know that even he’s aware he’s not doing a good job.

Not feeling like he’s good enough is a constant theme of Tim’s character.

His narration also shows us, that Tim is a freaking idiot. That probably should’ve thought this out before nearly getting himself beat to death.

Like he’s clever, good with computers and all that, but he’s still an idiot kid

People to be always over-value Tim’s intelligence, and while he obviously gets a lot smarter than this (often to the point of being out of character to be frank). Some people might make you think he’s a genius, like James Tynion IV, but honestly he’s no genius.

He doesn’t always make the best decisions.

Though even when he’s five steps away from toppling over, he still does his best to do what he thinks is the best thing he can do. He’s doing his best to be a hero, even when he isn’t cut out for the job yet. He keeps on trying.

His relationship with Clyde is also pretty sweet for as odd as it is. I mean, they did just meet after Clyde was gonna get killed, and Timmy jumped in to give the bad guys something else to hit.

But for what it is, it’s decently sweet.

It’s more nice character building for Tim that shows how he is in Robin mode interacting with other people and victims of crime. He’s sweet, and always doing his best to do the right thing.

Like the little boy scout he is.

--

It’s easy to barely care for the villains of this miniseries though, because to be honest. They’re so generic that it’s a bit painful to read them sometimes. They feel like they’re out of a dollar bin Kung Fu movie from the 80s. I have no idea why this is who they decided to make Tim’s first villain this.

The name of the villain is even KING SNAKE, that’s such a cheesy Kung Fu movie villain name.

Oh no, a serious, violent, psychopathic, gang leader.

What ever shall we do.

It’s something you can skip over honestly, because you pretty much know it’s going to be stuff you’ve seen before.

Basically, they go into operation ‘kill the pipsqueak’ (they don’t call it that, but that’s the idea), and that’s the threat they pose. Its very bare bones.

Though there’s a part of this that alarms me more than the main villain.

Because this implies that the girl isn’t Tim’s age. The way she says he’s “almost a child” implies she’s notably older older than Tim given how she words herself, but maybe not, because Tim IS babyfaced. It is a joke people constantly think he’s 12 (and that’s at age 17, Tim’s 14 here. So who knows how he looks to people). So, how old is this girl?

Is she’s Tim’s age? Because I’m alarmed by this because she was vaguely flirting with him in the last issue. Is she his age and she doesn’t know? Cuz if she was his age and she knows, it’s weird for her to word it that way. She’d just say “around my age”, like how a normal person would.

Even then, she still notes how he’s super young like she doesn’t think they’re the same age, so that’s still super creepy.

That interaction alarms me a lot, but it’s not even close to the creepiest thing in this comic, but thankfully that’s in another issue.

I’m not looking forward to talking about it, but this is a review of this miniseries. So I’m going to.

--

The next scene shows just how much of a stupid, sheltered, rich kid Tim is.

Like this kid, just throws away this man’s clothes. This man is in his underwear when he wakes up. Tim took this man’s clothes off his body and threw it away.

This scene I just never liked though, because it’s very contrived.

Tim’s always been shown to be nice and respectful unless it’s to not so nice people. So why does he straight up throw the guys clothes out?

They don’t even play Tim to be creepy, or weird, or rude for this. So this wasn’t intended to make him out to be a disturbing gremlin child.

As far as I can tell, the gag is that Tim’s a sheltered rich kid, and a bit stupid sometimes, but if I woke up in my underwear with a kid talking about crime in front of me. I’d be a lot more alarmed.

Although maybe it’s just some crime movie trope I don’t know about. Girl’s in movies often wake up naked with no real concern. Which is a really gross trope.

I remember in Back to the Future Marty McFly woke up with no pants, but that WAS played as weird, because it WAS weird. You don’t take stranger’s clothes off. So this scene is just contrived.

The intention isn’t to make Tim’s character a weirdo. This wasn’t them trying to show him as creepy, because that’s simply not how it’s portrayed. It’s just a rich kid joke. So he isn’t as far as the series and how I’m concerned, and he doesn’t do anything like this ever again. So it’s just out of place, odd, and contrived.

Maybe this one of the many reason’s why people think Tim was gay. He backs away from being flirted with women, but he’ll take a man’s clothes off without a second thought.

Another creepy scene though, and a scene that’s not even meant to be creepy at that, which almost makes it worse to me. Like I sure hope this wasn’t the way they intended to make Tim come off as gay, because it’s a freaking creepy scene even if it’s kind of clearly not what they intended. 

Although, let me say, I’m 99% sure they honestly did not intend Tim to come off as gay in any way. Just a bad scene honestly. It’s written away from normal human logic, so it’s contrived, and they don’t even fully act like what just happened happened.

However due to the power of interpretation, if you think Tim’s gay, he’s gay.

If they wanted to show Tim being a sheltered rich kid, they should’ve done a better job writing it then this. If Tim’s gonna do it a weird thing, because he doesn’t know what he’s doing, then write it that way. Don’t just act like this wasn’t weird.

--

Lady Shiva has her “come with me if you want to live” moment though, and so the action continues.

In general this issue has a lot more action.

The format of the miniseries is a lot more like a movie than how most comics try to squeeze in a lot of action every issue. There’s action in the first issue, but it’s mostly condensed down a lot. This finally goes into action movie territory.

The bad guys are so corny. Like I can’t get over how much they look like cheesy 80s Kung Fu movie villains.

Tim deserves better than these bozos.

However they keep Tim’s character strong, by reaffirming he’s got no street smarts. Tim at this point is 100% only making this far by his book smarts. He’s naive, and stupid still.

They even got nice ‘show don’t tell’ moments, where Tim’s just freaking bad at this job still. Even though he is quick thinking and sort of clever.

People say Tim has no character, but he has plenty of character. He just isn’t loud. He’s mostly soft spoken so maybe his personality isn’t obvious, but he has it plenty if anyone wanted to pay attention to him.

--

Enjoy some more dumb rich kid Tim.

Like casually renting a farm house isn’t normal, Timothy.

Up until this point, some people may still argue that Tim’s a Gary Stu, because while even though he fails, and isn’t skilled. People still like him, and he doesn’t do anything morally wrong, but that’s not true either.

Tim’s so focus on figuring stuff out that he becomes insensitive to Clyde.

Mostly cuz he’s a dumb, but smart (contradiction, but remember Tim’s book and computer smart, not socially smart or street smart. There’s a distinction. He’s still incredibly naive and unaware that what he did wasn’t right) kid that didn’t realize it, but still. He did something wrong, and it’s shown that he’s wrong for it.

So the traits of his character are able to be shown more to stronger limits.

We know his strong points and his character flaws.

He’s got a heroic spirit, he’s computer smart, good at crime solving, he’s constantly trying to do the right thing, and he doesn’t give up.

but socially and street-wise he’s an idiot, and his sheltered childhood ended up with him being relatively insensitive without him being aware of it at first, and while it’s clear he isn’t insensitive out of malice, it’s still a character flaw, as it causes problems between the characters.

--

The final scene gives us some character growth, and if you wanna smack Timmy for being so insensitive to Clyde, well, in this training scene. Clyde smacks him for ya. (Even if it’s not for being insensitive)

We even get to see how emotionally vulnerable Tim is compared to some other superheroes too.

He cries when he’s angry unlike other superheroes who often enough get to look cool, tough, and masculine when they cry.

Here Tim looks like what lots of people would call a wimp.

As someone who cried a lot when they were mad, and even got bullied for that fact. I honestly just really appreciate, on a personal level, that they had Tim cry when he was mad. 

He’s got his butt kicked this whole entire time by pretty much every person he freaking met. So that’s a lot of emotion coming out of him that he’s been probably building up and internalizing inside of him with all his self-deprecation in his narration.

I kinda gotta question the morals of teaching Tim to fight with anger though.

But it’s still a good moment because it shows were Clyde comes from. That’s were Clyde gets his motivation to fight from and do all of this. Clyde even tho this is his only appearance does get character in this. We learn about him a lot.

It makes me wish Clyde showed up again. Unless he did and I somehow didn’t realize it was him, because he’s a neat character in his own way. Could’ve got a nice noir crime drama out of him.

Along with that. They don’t even ignore the morals of fighting with anger, because that immediately gets brought up.

So differences between these three weirdos come up when they become a trio.

--

I prefer the first issue just because it’s more of a character study, and didn’t have all the corniness.

This issue, while I focus on the bad stuff, because this is a review I’m gonna talk about it. It’s still a good issue. Just a good issue with bad scenes and crooked morals when it comes to the ambiguous age gap between Linx and Timmy that could end up making that whole interaction they had really creepy.

Tim’s character gets stronger, and the story gets filled out, even if the story is still bare bones at this point as far as the villains are concerned. It’s filled out in a way that means, there’s a threat, and there’s actual action and adventure to make it exciting.

So it’s not a perfect miniseries for anyone looking for story. It’s a miniseries that’s perfect for people that love and wanna learn about Timmy.

[ask-silverfire]

⅀

Send me a ⅀ and I’ll explain one of my characters’ backstories really badly

There was a woman, who was a blue-blood from the southlands. No, she didn’t have an accent, because she was Well Educated and came from a Good Family. I mean, she had an abusive grandfather and father, and her mother was a non-entity, and she probably had a questionable mental state, but all in all, she was pretty dignified. After all, she was groomed to become a future Matriarch of her Family.

Except she didn’t get married. She scared away too many suitors. Or maybe it was her father making death threats behind her grandfather’s back to the young men who tried to marry into their family, because he had a bit of an anti-social personality disorder. 

One day, she was away in another kingdom because her family had some property there. That and the prince of their homeland was one of the governors for political and diplomatic reasons. The leader of a massive Death Cult decided to invade their homeland and, you know, do what zombies do, which is to decimate everyone. This is an entire kingdom though, so thankfully not everyone was decimated. This woman’s family was, though. Fortunately for her, she had a handful of loyal servants and subjects, so she wasn’t entirely alone. But you know, when you grew up in a fucked up dysfunctional family and don’t really know what’s normal, you kinda still miss them.

So she decided that there aren’t enough of them left, and because she had a responsibility to Lead those under her Charge, she was like “Okay, we all are pretty damn good soldiers and leaders, let’s go help our new ruler as individuals eh? Others before self and all that palava”. And so they decided to wear black and red, follow that Prince who was now the ex-governor of that other kingdom they were all visiting, because like, their King was dead. 

But a lot of shit happened, that involved that other kingdom fucking them over, and their other allies fucking them over, and then their Prince said “sod this bullshit” and led them all to follow a Very Infamous Demon-Elf person and Very Untrustworthy Sea-Snake-People, but you know, desperate times called for desperate measures.

Cutting a long story short, there was a lot of sex, drugs, and evil demons from outer space. Their Prince decided to ham it up to a demon overlord, some of his army deserted as a result, and this woman decided to join the deserters, because fuck demons. So she joined the fight to overthrow the looney bin Prince whose death in the alien spaceship that they took over was only a setback, and helped to properly make sure he’s as dead as the other evil demons from outer space who decided to pay a visit to their sacred island of their homeland.

Eventually, she kinda remade her family’s household, and did indeed inherit the legacy she was raised to rule. Which would have been great, except that years of not being able to think for herself when it came to having a boyfriend meant that she married some bozo who turned out to be some half-dragon-archamge-priest-hunter-hybrid-who-was-a-high-elf-who-then-turned-blood-elf who ditched her a month after they got married and got her pregnant. 

Well, the failure of that marriage turned out to be a blessing in disguise, when she finally met the love of her life, who was a mass-murderer of humans who eventually became acquitted when the other kingdom who fucked them over, fucked them over again with trying to kill their kinsmen, and he broke out of their jail when that Purge happened. Fuck the Kirin Tor.

Anyway, they got married, united their otherwise indivudally scant households, and formed a new House under a new name, had a daughter between them, in addition to her son from her first marriage, and lived happily ever after, except for the time this second husband got stranded in the Twisting Nether and was thought dead, and she was also thought dead because they were both caught in the same explosion that killed a dreadlord but somehow he was blasted off to some deep space fragment while she got stranded in the demonic headquarters and held hostage.

But hey, it all worked out, and she’s currently living a stable life, until some other weird shit happens. Like maybe a void elf trying to hunt her down and kill her because her son was a dumbass like his biological father. Talk about bad genes, honestly.

Thanks @dorylory

[pxppinmolly-archived]

Shit Anons Have Said

“A bunch of shit Anonymous users have sent me on my main blog.

Mix of crack and NSFW Edit: I’ve come with more to add onto this post.

“Hot food, or dead food? Yes, the choice is mutually exclusive.”

 “I really wanna fuck a doll tho.”

“[NAME] you'd fuck an actual doll wouldn't you? huh? dollfucker?”

“I’d let the lorax speak for my trees.”

“Hm. I had a thought. Yknow who’s a himbo?”

“I broke my tooth eating steak and shake fries.”

“oh fuck you have been gnomed.”

“As a child I had a crush on big bird, kinda makes sense that I turned out to be a furry.”

“I hope people label you as a God.”

“I slowly chased a stray cat for two blocks just to pet him and got a scratch. am I valid?”

“The first time I heard about rhinoplasty was wild imagine paying money to look like a whole rhinoceros.”

“I think you would make a really good god.”

“excuse me while I go fucking feral.”

“is it racist to assume italians can’t be vampires?”

“No earthly force can separate [NAME] from their meat.”

“Whipping my dick out won't help me against the duolingo owl.”

“clowns deserve better.”

“so...would like the cream?”

“I ate a whole bag of frozen peas today.”

 “Have you ever eaten paper? Because that stuffs good. Recycled paper is nasty though.”

“Like come on what are these four masked fuckwits with mixtapes gonna do? Stab?”

“I've already disappointed you once [NAME], I'm going for the world record at this point.”

“Cruise for MILFs with me at Walmart babe.”

“How fat must we pray for your ass to be [NAME]. Let me know so I can stop before you get so dummy thicc, your cheek clap alerts the killers in your house.”

“I heard the guy that painted the mono lisa is taking commissions again.”

 “Karkalicious definition makes Terezi loco.”

“Are you gay or italian I'm confused which is it?”

“sorry, the anthrax will take 4-6 business days to get to you hope u don’t mind.”

“great news [NAME]! I've decided to become an oil baron!”

“I cast Big Gay on you. Bzz bzzz bzz bzzzzzz!”

“When I was a little kid, I used to play with my mom's hair. I liked how it was soft, and it had a nice texture. One day, I figured I'd try tasting it. To this day, I feel the ring of disappointment in my soul that hair doesn't taste good.”

“the only right way to eat ice cream cake is very carefully with a bowie knife.”

“the clown religion is called honkism.”

“I'm not a clown but maybe I'd consider converting. Do you have clown religion resources?”

 “You ever just eat an orange, peel and all, and feel like a God?”

“bozo is a clownphobic slur.”

“I ran into a group of juggalos at the mall, they were in Claire's.”

“ok listen this may be the sleep deprivation or possibly the anxiety of starting a new semester in like forty five minutes talking but 5 am? great time to be awake. my third eye is WIDE fucking open. sleep? government conspiracy to keep us unwoke. think about it.”

“You will sleep. Or I will put you to sleep.”

“Thank you, I’ll be here forever because so will you.”

“I’d like to offer you some Pepto Bismol chewables in this trying time.”

“If there were anyone you could vore here who would it be?”

“graverob my grandpappy, long dick.”

“the genie from aladdin is hot.”

“If I can’t pay you to kill me or flirt, what can I pay for?”

“Yeah but you could share all of your fetishes with us.”

“Ur beautiful and for christmas you can top me.”

“[NAME] you are the only one who’s allowed to kill me.”

“if you’re having a funeral I volunteer to be the dead bitch in the casket.”

“I’ll hold a boom box playing Dancing Queen by Abba with leg warmers and a torn Guns N’ Roses with tiger print leggings at your funeral.”

“I EAT ASS IN ALL FORMS WORLD, I AM BI AND I LOVE IT.”

“ Hi [NAME] I just stayed up for 35 hours and I hope you are doing well.”

“You ever feel like puberty really missed ya and ya whole teenagehood was a mess of unwarranted responsibility and shame?”

“[NAME]….. let us be the most absolute of bafoons.”

“Im very tired and wanna say. Minecraft. Also i would give you a hug.”

“Stuart little is just a shitty Despereaux.”

“I fucking hate Stuart Little. I know what you’re thinking, this is some kind of funny joke, but no. Stuart Little is a piece of shit. A damn rat got picked over actual children at an orphanage and he’s supposed to be a hero? And I can’t even tell you how many damn times I’ve seen a great parking space only to turn the corner and realise Stuart Little is already parked there in his stupid little fucking convertible. He took my wife and the kids and my house and my job. I swear to fucking god.”

“do you fear God?”

“It is 100% obvious that you are, and have definitely eaten part of someone before.”

“you kill it you can eat it, tis the only law in these backwoods.”

“I picked the side of being GRUMPY.”

“ I’m just saying, those boots were made for walking and your thighs were made for getting it and also I guess for holding your legs onto your body.”

“i ate an apple and i think i’m dying.”

“How attached are you to your teeth?”

“Why don’t you love my dad bod?”

“Sorry, calling you "Pope" is probably Italianphobic”

“Is babe a slur to you?”

[NAME] is like the Eve of MILFs. Responsible for the original sin of looking this good.

“Pennes envy is when everyone's pennes are rigate but yours is lisce.”

“They actually choose popes based on meat size! Fun fact!”

“My meat is huge fam, my buldge is the envy of the land but no one ever gets to see it”

“Mac n cheese n the sound of good pussy”

“Your Holiness your pasta is lookin a lil raw and uncooked is something wrong?”

“I'm sorry, I can't do that, I don't wanna threaten you, that's mean and you are nice and don't deserve that.”

“Italian Gordon Ramsay. "Ngl, this pasta do be lookin' kinda fresh doe"’

“We are all OCs of God”

“Your relationship with [NAME] is honestly very cute, in a similar way to two goblins fighting over a bread roll than getting into a tumbling brawl is cute. Which is to say, quite.”

“salami is basically dick when u think about it”

“Do you support breasties? Can I apply?“

“ im a girlboss because i knew that my last teenage summer was gonna suck balls for like 20 different reasons and decided to take advantage of that and make money while it sucked. im working 3 jobs and im so exhausted. where's my subservient malewife. i earnt him.”

“Honestly, who would you be without Electroswing?”

“I dont think it would improve the movie at all but I think it would be really funny if jigsaw got on his hands and knees and slurped up some of the "blood" and just said Choccy Milk to Adam before leaving.”

“You either die a horror protagonist, or live long enough to become a horror villain.”

“I wasn't the most fuckable bitch in the supermarket today. So anyways, I fell in love today.“

“I am on 16 hour sleeby schedule!! I am always sleeb. Maybe something is wrong with me!!!!!!!“

“well.... hm... are low level hexes more or less affordable to send? and are they tax deductible for that matter?“

“Damn, these bitches gay! Good for them!“

“can i use [NAME] for arson fuel?”

“They have Looney Tunes in Space Jam now? Interesting.“

“u tellin me a simp fried this rice ?“

“10 year old me also would have crushed on you and shown you my neopets“

“That being said, you wanna see my Feet?“

“Hey can I show you my boobs?“

“Damn, what a babe.“

“Okay, I hate ur tiddies, boo then.“

“You appreciate seeing a nice pair of tiddies right?“

“ ive never watched a saw but imagine how many people would die if the guy with the puppet worked in customer service”

“she took my fucking McElroy funko pops in the divorce”

“i'd let a goth bite me too. its not that controversial i think“

“I'm confused, did she serve cunt like pussy or served cunt like attitude???“

“im thinking. can you hold my frog while i think for a bit“

“Why haven't you kill me yet, why haven't you killed me yet.”

“[NAME] you don't need to change your Subway Order. Do not forfeit who you are.”

“Don't tie yourself to a sinking ship. You can change your stars.“

“You are more than your past.“

“It's funny actually, my tits are nearly ALWAYS out.”

“The binch? She is the Pape! Put some respect on it!“

“ I think Austin Powers and Scooby Doo should crossover.”

“Pasta? A nice alfredo? I dunno, maybe a ravioli, god I want pasta now.”

“ Maybe U were the one who was predisposed to madness.”

“I'm like a minor god or smth, I can't show up on ur quest unless you invoke me. You will need all of ur strength for what is to come. U have my blessing.”

“I change my subway order each time. I have no nostalgia for the movie Holes.“

“Stop trying to fuck the doll!“

“The way he is so.”

“Did you sing songs at school, we sung so many songs, I can even remember them, watch me sing Sausages and Custard“

“You looks like an old fuddy-duddy.”

“Flavour of CO2 bitch, I'm out here tasting gasses you can only dream of.”

“ARE YOU NOT TOO GOOD FOR SEMENS?“

“I be in like wally wonka lickig snozzberries//don't tell ur mum but I popped ur dads cherry.”

“ Im in your walls.”

“So which are you? A sussy playa or a pussy slaya?”

“What if you had some bitches, would that calm you down?”

“The Nanny was iconic.”

“I'm out here on Tinder like ‘who is gonna come to the flesh pit with me!’“

“Yeah but you have to be Italian to say the "fuggedaboutit" right???“

“How did 3OH!3 manage to beat feminism for 3 minutes at a time, every single time? By all rights, it shouldn't work and yet here we are.”

“Is it cause his meat is Italian?“

“Hey [NAME] quick question. Would you happen to know where zydrate comes from?“

“we all indulge in a bit of cringe“

“ I hope the bottom of your apples are jeans and your boots have furs”

“I promise I'm not a little piss goblin”

“i fall HARD for pretty guys with multiple piercings and way too much eyeliner. this has not worked out well for me, if you were wondering.”

“Vriska was hot when I was a teen, I don't think I grew out of that attraction to dependence and what not and now I just date crazy people which is cool I guess, we have a lot in common.”

“The biggest problem is the absolute magnetism of a huge broken bitch. I hate that like, as a person I am so predictable because that's my TYPE. THAT'S MY TYPE FUCK YEAH HUGE BITCH. It's just kinda sad is all.”

[crossroadsdimension]

Lucky!Ford AU

Whelp. It’s about time that I posted the next chapter for this. We get some very Ford-ish shenanigans in this one. :) Thanks to @howtotrainyournana for beta-reading this for me!

Chapter 3

“G-great-Uncle Ford?”

“Hm?” Ford stopped frowning at his breakfast and the hairs of his brother that happened to be stuck in it. “What is it, Dipper?”

The boy fidgeted a little under his great-uncle’s gaze. “I...I think I might know who has the second journal.”

“Well, why didn’t you speak up sooner?” Stan growled from the stove as he flipped a pancake.

“We weren’t sure whether or not he did have it, so we sent Wendy to spy on his house while you guys were downstairs yesterday,” Dipper explained quickly.

“Yeah!” Mabel nodded. “And when she got back, she said there was some strange stuff going on at his house, and she was able to confirm that he has it!”

“Who has it?” Ford demanded.

“Gideon Gleeful.” The redhead -- who had stayed overnight -- twirled a fork between her fingers. “Ugh, I hate that kid. He keeps stealing my moisturizer.”

Stan groaned. “I know you kids haven’t had the best of times with that kid, but do you really need to take out your anger on him by siccing my brother on that fake psychic?”

“The bolo tie he had was a psychic amulet!” Dipper shot back. “And he’s had this really weird obsession with the house!”

Ford’s eyebrows rose at that. “Psychic amulet?”

Stan also paused and looked over at Dipper. “Yeah, it is kinda weird that he wants our house when he already has one.”

“Weird nothing.” Wendy pulled a flashlight with a crystal tied to the bulb end out of her shirt. “I used Dipper’s shrinking ray to sneak into his house and poke around a little. Nearly got sucked up by the vacuum twice -- his mother never stops and I have no idea why -- and when I finally got to his room, I found a book that looked like Dipper’s sitting in what looked like some kind of shrine.”

“I didn’t see that when he shrank us,” Dipper muttered, frowning. “How did I miss it?”

“It looked recent; probably in the last couple of days,” Wendy supplied. “Honestly, I’m lucky that he wasn’t there when I was.”

“May I see that?” Ford motioned to the flashlight. As Wendy handed it over, he asked, “You called this a ‘shrinking ray’?”

Dipper’s eyes lit up. “Yeah! I found that crystal in the woods -- l-like you said in the journal, where you said you saw animals in strange sizes? There’s a whole lot of those crystals in the woods, and if you shine light through them at a certain angle, it grows or shrinks whatever the light’s aimed at!”

“Really? I assume flipping the crystal changes it between a shrinking and an enlarging ray, then?” Ford ran his fingers over the crystal on the flashlight in interest. “Fascinating!” He pointed it at his fork and quickly flicked the light switch, causing the bit of silverware to suddenly increase in size by a couple inches. He flipped the crystal over and reversed the increase in size a moment later. “Simply fascinating!”

Dipper bounced up and down in his seat. “I know, right?? I really wish I had access to a microscope or something so that I’d be able to see what the crystal’s structure is on a microscopic level! I’d have to be careful not to get my eye shrunk or doubled in size, though.”

“Well, obviously. And have you tried other kinds of light other than natural or incandescent? That could bring up a myriad of alternate affects.” Ford handed the flashlight back over to Dipper. “I would like a look at these crystal growths myself, as well.”

“R-really?”

Stan cleared his throat. “Don’t we have that journal and that Gideon brat to worry about first?”

Dipper slapped his forehead as Ford blinked a couple times, sliding back into focus and away from the discovery that Dipper had just shown him.

“Right, right! If he’s got the second journal, then we’ve gotta get it back from him!” Dipper slammed a fist into an open palm, reminiscent of an action from Stanley from years long past.

“Agreed.” Ford rose to his feet. “How old is this Gideon?”

“He’s younger than us,” Dipper replied. “Ten, I think.”

“And really creepy.” Mabel shuddered. “Not good boyfriend material.”

“Not to mention he’s been eating into my paying customers.” Stan scoffed. “He’s just a puny little stage magician.”

“Not just a puny stage magician,” Dipper responded. “He tried to kill me because I told him Mabel didn’t want to see him anymore! I bet he knows his ways around spells and who knows what other kinds of things because he’s got one of Great-Uncle Ford’s journals!”

Ford’s trigger finger twitched. “Where does he live?”

Dipper quickly gave Ford the address. “His dad owns a used car lot right next door.”

“Worst bunch’a lemons that I’ve ever laid eyes on,” Stan added. “Seriously, you drive one out of his car lot and it breaks down as soon as it gets on the street. I’ve seen that happen to bozos, and they just turn right around and go buy another one.” He huffed and rolled his eyes. “Wants me to sell to him. Like that’s ever gonna happen.”

Ford hardly listened to his brother as he moved away from the table. Checking to make sure that there was a blaster still at his hip (which there was), he started towards the door.

“Great-Uncle Ford, wait!” Dipper scrambled after him as Ford stepped out onto the porch. “L-let me come with you -- Mabel and I have gone against Gideon before; maybe we could--”

“Dipper, as much as I would appreciate your help, I don’t think it would be wise for you to come with me,” Ford replied seriously.

“We could distract Mr. Gleeful for you.” Wendy came up behind the two of them, Mabel right next to her. “He’s probably the only thing standing between you and that creep, and he’d probably call the cops on you if you tried to do anything.”

“Y-yeah!” Dipper nodded vigorously in agreement. “We’ve handled going up against them before -- it shouldn’t be a problem keeping his attention away from Gideon for...fifteen minutes?”

“Hm.” Ford inclined his head slightly. “Getting the attention of the local authorities would make things more difficult….”

Dipper, Mabel, and Wendy all fixed him with determined expressions.

“Very well; but do not let on that you are aware of my being in the area.” Ford paused to consider something. “Is he aware of what Gideon is up to?”

“Probably?” Dipper scratched his head.

“Try definitely!” Stan called from the kitchen. He appeared in the doorway behind the kids and frowned at Ford in his tan trench coat and red sweater -- clothes that had been untouched over the thirty years that Ford had been gone. “Least you could’a done is worn that black stuff you came in with. Give that brat a good scare while you’re climbing through his window or something.”

“No time for that,” Ford replied crisply. “Kids, you go on ahead and try to catch this ‘Mr. Gleeful’ and hold his attention for as long as possible.”

Mabel rubbed her hands together eagerly. “I’m gonna go call Candy and Grenda! I’m sure they’ll wanna help!” She scrambled back into the house and up the stairs, just barely avoiding the pig that came crawling out from under the kitchen table.

Wendy pulled something out of her pocket, smirking. “I bet Thompson and the others are up for egging his car lot again.”

“M-maybe we can TP them, too!” Dipper added. “Grunkle Stan went and got some more recently -- I’ll go grab a couple rolls!” He disappeared into the house.

“Now you’re talkin!” Wendy called after him with a laugh.

“Word of advice!” Stan called. “The cops may be dunderheads on the best of days, but they do still have a soft spot for that brat and his dad. You’re gonna need something to distract them with if they happen to get called in for vandalism!”

“Not a problem, Mr. P!” Wendy held what Ford guessed was a phone up to her ear. “Lee, get the gang together. Wanna bug Mr. Gleeful again? Yeah -- get the gang together and park by the junkyard. We’re gonna need a McGucket-sized distraction if we’re gonna keep the cops off our backs this time.”

Ford did a double-take. “You know McGucket?”

Something in his voice caused Wendy to look over at him with an odd expression. “Y-yeah, I’ll meet you there with Dipper and Mabel.” She pulled the device away from her ear and looked at Ford with her eyebrows furrowed together in a concerned expression. “Look, Mr. Pines 2, I don’t know what Old Man McGucket was like thirty years ago, but he’s a crazy old man who lives in the junkyard.”

“Crazy?” Ford repeated.

“Yeah. Whatever he saw in that portal thing must’a done something to his mind or something.” Wendy shrugged.

It took a moment for that to sink in; Ford shook his head. “No, no it wasn’t that. It can’t have been...the Nightmare Realm was nightmare-inducing, yes, but….” Something else flickered into his mind, then, and his eyes widened. “Oh, no. I told him to destroy that infernal device before it was too late!”

“What device?” Dipper came back to the door, arms full of toilet paper rolls.

“Candy and Grenda are ready to roll!” Mabel chirped as she followed after him.

Ford shook his head, forcing memories of another time into the back of his mind and adding something else to the short list of things he needed to do now that he was back in his home dimension. “Good. Then let’s move out.”

Dipper, Mabel, and Wendy clambered into what looked like a golf cart and took off down the road towards town. Ford followed after them at a decent run, his thirty years being on the run leaving him hardly winded by the time he left the woods and reached the town itself. Remembering the address that Dipper had given him, Ford turned down a few streets and jogged past some of the locals without so much as glancing at them. He noticed the wide-eyed stares he got from them; cries of “Stan, where are you off to in such a hurry?!” rang in his ears.

Obviously, Stan had become a bit of an important figure in the town. Or, at least, a well-known one.

Which meant that kicking him out of the house and onto the street would certainly get him a lot of flack for it. Maybe even a mob, if he was that unlucky.

Ford pushed the thought out of his head as he was passed by a blue minivan with a crowd of teenagers hanging out the windows and hollering at the top of their lungs while an old man with a really long beard danced on top of the roof. The dancing stopped after a moment when the old man and Ford’s eyes met for a second, causing Ford to blink a couple times out of confusion.

Is that…?

The van turned a corner sharply; Ford caught sight of Dipper and Mabel in the back window before the vehicle disappeared from sight. He slowed his run as he reached the turn in the street and peered around the fence.

The van parked a few blocks away from a rather nice-looking house; the old man on the roof stood there for a moment, then scrambled to pull something out of his beard as he leaned over to look down at the teenagers who were climbing out of the vehicle below him. He saw Dipper call something up to the man, who nodded and fidgeted a little before looking over at a fenced-in area across the street. He aimed an odd-looking contraption at the area and fired.

A moment later, a rather rotund man came stumbling out, patting out a fire that had manifested on his hat. He shook a fist at the old man, who screeched and leapt off the van before running off on all fours.

When Ford saw Dipper and the others start pulling out egg cartons and toilet paper rolls, he dashed across the street to the house.

“Gideon’s up on the second floor!” Wendy yelled as Ford jumped over the fence. He gave a quick wave in response before he started scaling the side of the house in order to get to one of the windows on the second floor.

“Wow!” one of the boys yelped. “Look at him go!”

“Less talking, more TP-ing!” Dipper yelped back. “Before Bud gets back!”

“You got it, little man!”

While the teenagers started hooting and hollering below him, Ford started peering through the windows of the second floor in an attempt to find the boy Gideon’s bedroom.

He was lucky enough to find the boy’s room at the first window, but alarmed when he saw what it was that the little white-haired boy was doing.

Ford grabbed onto the upper edge of the window and jumped forward into the window, feet first.

Crash!

The boy -- Gideon -- squealed like a pig and scrambled back in instinctive shock as the glass shards flew across the room. Some embedded themselves in the candles that were around the circle that had been drawn into the wooden floor.

Ford flew in and stomped down on the triangular shape that was in the center of the circle. He made it a point to scuff the eye out with a boot before he turned his gaze to Gideon and the familiar red and gold book that the boy was holding in his chubby little hands.

“Wh-who -- how dare you!” The wide-eyed expression on Gideon’s face quickly turned to one of anger. “Do you realize what you’ve done?! It took me hours to get that just right, and now you’ve broken the--”

“Give me my journal,” Ford growled, cutting the rant off. “Now, boy.”

“--circle -- your journal?” Gideon blinked abruptly in confusion.

“Yes. My journal.” Ford moved closer as Gideon scooted back across the floor, wide-eyed. “That kind of information isn’t something that a child like you should have access to. Hand it over, before you cause irreparable damage to the universe as we know it.”

“Y-you’re the Author?” Gideon’s back bumped against the wall, and he stared in dumbfounded confusion. “B-but -- y-ya look like Stanford Pines! A-are you--”

Ford reached down and grabbed the journal, all six fingers exposed for Gideon to see. The boy’s eyes widened even further as Ford growled out, “Stay away from my house and my research. The knowledge that these books contain is too dangerous for you to comprehend.” He turned and looked down at the circle that had been drawn in the middle of the bedroom floor and scuffed more of the lines, putting out the candles and making sure that the entire thing was completely unrecognizable, much less salvageable.

There came the sound of feet thumping on the stairs outside of the room, causing Ford to turn his head sharply.

“I-I have so many questions.” Gideon rose to his feet, looking amazed.

“I am not going to answer them,” Ford snapped in reply. “If I see you anywhere near my house again, I am going to make sure that you question the decision for the rest of your life.”

With that, he jumped out the window and rolled to a stop a short distance from the road.

The blue van that he’d seen before drove up in front of the house; one of the side doors was yanked open.

“Get in!” Dipper yelled.

Ford dove in without argument, and Dipper slammed the door shut as the man crouched between two seats -- and two teenage boys, who stared at him with wide, disbelieving eyes. The van lurched forward with a screech a moment later, leaving the Gleeful house far, far behind.

“Did you get it?” Dipper asked from where he’d scrambled into the back.

Ford held up the familiar journal, a number 2 written onto the hand on the cover. He quickly hid it away in his coat a moment later. “That boy was about to do something very foolish; I appreciate that you managed to alert me to his presence and had the foresight to check to see if he had it.”

Dipper made a noise that sounded like a muted squeal in response. “I-I’m just glad I could help, Great-Uncle Ford!”

“Thanks for the help, guys!” Mabel added.

“Dude, any excuse to egg that guy’s car lot is a good excuse.” The teenage boy on Ford’s left gave a wide grin. “He’s going to be so steaming mad, I bet you could cook an egg on him!”

The entire van burst out laughing, and despite himself, Ford found himself smiling a little at the thought as well.

“Ya know, Old man McGucket got a little freaked when he saw this guy,” the teenager on Ford’s right remarked. “Any idea why that is?”

Ford’s smile disappeared abruptly. “It’s none of your business.”

“Easy, dude, I was just asking a question.”

Ford saw Wendy look back from the front passenger seat for a moment, then looked at the rather round boy driving. “Stop by the junk yard again before we get back to the Shack.”

“A-are you crazy?”

“Thompson, just do it. This probably isn’t going to take very long.”

Thompson shifted nervously in his seat, but he did as he was told. A few minutes later, they had driven past a tall wooden fence and into a yard that was filled to the brim with wrecked cars and other devices that had long since lost their ability to be used.

Wendy turned around again and looked down at where Ford was crouched. “Mr. Pines, we’re here.” She paused. “He, uh...I don’t know if he remembers you, but--”

Ford shook his head. “If I come out into the open now, he’s going to fly into a panic and force himself to forget again with the memory gun.”

The teens exchanged looks at that in confusion.

“Memory gun…?” Dipper trailed off. “There was something about that in the Journal, but...didn’t you say that was destroyed?”

“I’d hoped it was. However, considering Fiddleford’s present state, I…” Ford ran a hand down his face. He couldn’t afford to let his emotions run rampant. “I don’t think that now is the best time to talk to him.”

Thompson seemed to take that as the signal to start backing out of the junk yard, but then a loud shriek came from somewhere outside the van.

“LET ME GO YOU VARMINTS!”

Ford’s head shot up at the old man’s scream, eyes widening. Before Thompson could punch the van back any further or bring it to a halt, Ford had pushed the side door open and barreled out of the van and into a small group of red-robed individuals, kicking and punching them back with a lot more force than was to be expected from most men his age.

Ford positioned himself between the bearded, hunched over, trembling figure and the red robes, scanning them quickly. When he saw one of them pull out what looked like a gun with a light bulb on one end, he lunged for him and flattened him against the ground.

Ford’s knee slammed down on the man’s hand, shattering the gun-like device.

Crack!

The yell of pain that came from the man a moment later indicated that Ford had broken his hand as well.

“How dare you!” one of the robed figures yelled. “That was from the founder -- our only remaining--!”

“Can it!” Ford barked back. “I’ll hit you so hard you’d think you’re the founder if you don’t get back!”

The man Ford had tackled scrambled out from under him, cradling his hand close to his chest as the others gathered around him.

“I wish we could unsee this,” one of them complained.

“You can’t unsee anything; those memory guns don’t work forever,” Ford snapped in reply. “The memories can and will come back, given the proper triggers.” He waved them off. “Get out of my sight, before I make you regret even more coming after this man.” He made a rather dramatic show of reaching for his blaster.

The red robes scattered, running out of the junk yard in a mad, scrambling panic, screaming at the tops of their lungs, “It is unseen!”

“Not anymore, you crazed lunatics!” Ford shook a fist after them, but they were already out of sight. He relaxed his stance and sighed, shaking his head.

“...Stanford?”

Ford turned his head a little at the nervous lilt in the voice behind him. He closed his eyes and sighed before turning around completely to look down at the man whose life he had just saved.

Fiddleford McGucket stared back up at him with wide eyes, looking Ford up and down as though he was searching for something. “I-Is...is that really you?”

Ford hesitated. He could very well turn and run and get the kids out of the junk yard with him at this moment -- he didn’t want to talk to Fiddleford now, but...if he had a chance, while he still remembered….

Ford sighed again and dropped down into a crouch, causing Fiddleford to scramble back a little at the movement. “It’s me, Fiddleford.”

Fiddleford stared at him with a disbelieving expression.

Ford fidgeted a little under the other’s gaze, adjusting how his trench coat furled out behind him. “I, uh...I destroyed the portal yesterday. I couldn’t before because...well, you were right, Fiddleford, and I ended up trapped on the other side. I did manage to find a way home without...without you know who getting through.”

Fiddleford sucked in a breath sharply at that, his eyes widening.

Ford’s gaze wandered away from his old friend and to what looked like a shack made out of scrap metal. Was that where Fiddleford has been living for the last thirty years? “He won’t be able to get into this dimension anymore; I’ve made sure of that.” He paused. “I don’t expect you to forgive me for everything that happened between us. At this point in time, I’m just...I’m glad to have seen you. I’d understand if you didn’t want to--”

Suddenly there was something -- no, someone -- colliding against his front, causing Ford to lose his balance out of surprise as Fiddleford slammed into him.

“You big idiot.” Fiddleford’s voice was muffled against Ford’s sweater as the two of them lay on the ground. “You big, idiotic idiot.” He lifted his head and looked at Ford, who was watching him with a saddened expression.

“I know,” Ford replied. “And I’m sorry for it.”

Fiddleford rapped his knuckles against Ford’s side, but the action didn’t have much force behind it. “You’re more muscle-y than I can remember.” He sounded slightly surprised.

“Thirty years on the run can do that to a man.” Ford paused, then reached up a hand and rapped it against the side of his head.

Clang clang.

The noise caused Fiddleford to stiffen up.

“I’ve taken precautions against the demon,” Ford explained. “He can’t get into my mind; no one can tamper with it, in fact.”

Fiddleford blinked owlishly a couple times, then reached up himself and rapped against Ford’s head, getting the same sound. He pulled his hand back quickly. “Ford, what happened to you?”

Ford looked away from Fiddleford at the question. “I suppose...I learned my lesson the hard way.”

“Well, I gathered that. You Pines are all too stubborn for yer own good! It’s like everythin’ has to be pounded into yer skulls before you learn anythin’!” Fiddleford started pounding his fists against Ford’s head, producing a cacophony of noise.

“Ow ow ow!” Ford pulled his head back and put his hands between his head and Fiddleford’s hands. “I may have a metal plate in my head, but that doesn’t mean that doesn’t hurt!”

“Good! Cause it means I can still pound more lessons in if ya don’t listen!” Fiddleford shot back. “Have ya made up wit’ yer brother yet?”

“Wha--”

“ ‘Cause I can remember him bein’ nice ta me more ‘n a few times, an’ if yer gonna keep on bein’ stubborn, then I’m gonna reinvent the memory gun an’ wipe out the incident that got you two feudin’ in the first place!” Fiddleford’s voice was slowly getting louder. “I know family feuds, an’ if ya don’ do somethin’ now, yer gonna end up splittin’ yer family in two fer so long that they’re fightin’ just fer the sake of fightin’, and then where are ya gonna be, huh?!”

The junkyard fell silent at that. Ford had a guilty sort of look on his face as he turned his head to look away from Fiddleford again.

“So go back and talk to him ya big lug!” Fiddleford started pounding on Ford’s head again, causing the other to react by pushing the bearded man off and scrambling to his feet. “Go on, git! An’ the next time I see ya, it better be wit’ yer brother!” He shook a fist at Ford in a threatening manner, but there was a spark in his eyes that said he was equally humored and angry.

Ford scrambled back to the van and climbed in, shutting the door behind him and dropping into his previous position between the seats as Thompson backed out of the junkyard and drove out of town. None of the kids looked at Ford; they must have heard most of the conversation.

Ford sighed and put his head in his hands, then felt a pair of hands on his back and glanced back.

Dipper and Mabel gave him reassuring sorts of smiles.

“If there’s anything we can do to help, Great-Uncle Ford,” Dipper said, “you can count on us.”

“Yeah.” Mabel nodded in agreement. “Anything to get you two to hug it out!”

Ford stared at the two of them with a sort of uncertain expression, then gave a quick little smile in response before returning his attention to the front of the van.

He wasn’t entirely sure what was going to happen now, or if the kids were in fact able to help him. He had been thirty years too far gone from this plane of existence, and it showed.

Ford found himself quietly dreading the amount of time he was going to have to spend adjusting back to his home Earth.