#I think I was sort of THE Breath Mint to a lot of ppl particularly on tumblr bc I was one of few rlly posted abt us for a while.

[taketheringtolohac]

also I’m in the tag for kcbm now and it’s so wild to me that like. You don’t have to scroll very far to find me. which idk ig I was very prominent at one point but by the time it was all over I hadn’t rlly posted at all in over a year. So if it’s sort of wild to see that I am still There even if I had tapered off in some ways

[sapphicscholar]

A/N: Here are letters from the past few chapters as I’ve been traveling and couldn’t post

Chapter 85:

April 27, 2012, 11:54pm

Alex…

Look I get that youre trying to help and shit but just…you’re not ok? It’s cute or whatever that youre so convinced that I’m getting into these places and shit bt we’re not all you. We don’t all get to be doubkke doctors from fucking Stanford. Being smnart and fit and caring doenst mean shit wen you don’t know the right ppl/

I still love you but stopl.l k. Maggie

---

April 28, 2012, 10:03am

I feel like death. This is what death feels like. I am too old for this. I am also sorry. I…you were trying to help. And I know you were. It’s just…that’s not…if we were together in person this would’ve been easier. But you just kept going, and it’s not the way—it just made me feel worse. Because, yeah, maybe I should have gotten in. Maybe. But I didn’t. And knowing that…it doesn’t make me feel better, Alex. And knowing that I can’t get into a fucking cop academy when you’re off in extra fancy grad school getting an MD and a PhD at the same time…it really doesn’t feel like you can actually relate. And I know you said you’ve struggled with coursework and not getting results in your lab and stuff, but still. You’re at Stanford, Alex. You’re at Stanford, and you’re brilliant, and you’re going to be wildly successful, and more and more it’s feeling like I’m just sitting here proving Emily right—that this was the wrong track. That I should have gone to law school and done something that will look good on paper and impress the right people and make me good enough for people like you. I don’t know. But still. You don’t know those things. You couldn’t…I shouldn’t have expected you to know. I’m sorry for last night. I should have waited until this morning to reply to you. Just give me another day or two to start feeling like myself, okay?

Love,

Maggie

---

April 28, 2012, 11:17am

Alex… I just finally stumbled outside and found a big ass care package sitting on my doorstep. There are chocolates (that are a little melty from the sun but still delicious – I checked) and pastries and a brand new bottle of the wine I got us to share from Paris. And a note signed “the better Befana.” How…how in the world did you manage this? I really, really don’t deserve you.

---

Chapter 86

April 28, 2012, 9:58 am

Dear Maggie,

Please don't beat yourself up about it. I appreciate the apology, but I...my memory isn’t so short that I’ve forgotten how awful I was to you when I was inching my way out of the closest. It’s hard to be vulnerable, and it’s really easy to lash out when things that you thought you knew about yourself are coming under fire. I was trying to help...but I wasn't supporting you in the way you needed.

I’ve always been the person whose first instinct is to fix things that are broken. It's not an approach that works for all people or all situations. But for Kara, who’s been the most important person in my life for ages, it *is* what worked, and it was what she wanted, so I forgot about people like my old best friend from high school who used to get so angry when I’d offer solutions instead of just listening and commiserating and reminding her that she deserved better. I just...I always assumed that when people talked about something that was wrong it was my job to find a solution, but it’s not what everyone wants. Thank you for telling me that you needed something different. It didn't feel particularly good to get that first email, but I get it. I want to learn how to be the girlfriend you need. I want to support you because you deserve someone standing in your corner. It's tough, you know, not being able to see you or hold you, so I'm happy that you felt comfortable enough to tell me that what I was doing wasn't working for you. I want to be better because I want this—what we have together—to be a thing that works going forward.

It’s hard to admit because there are things in my life that I don’t—I can’t—I just don’t talk about, you know. There are portions of time where nothing has gone right, and I’ve felt like a failure. There are things I don’t get to talk about, but shit I carry around. And I think I...bristled at the idea that I couldn’t possibly relate because of them, even though it wasn’t like you’d have any reason to know. But in the sense you’re talking about in your emails, you're right. I don't know what some of these things feel like. My parents were scientists (Mom still is), and that made things...easier? Sure I've worked my ass off in school my whole life, and I’ve had to "make my own way" or whatever to get into this particular program, but I always knew I could, say, intern in so-and-so's lab because if my parents didn't know them they probably knew someone who did. It made things...not easy, but definitely easier. And I don’t...I wasn’t thinking about earlier in life. My life changed in high school, but I never had to worry about a lot of the things you did, and that—I imagine that makes a difference.

I do think I have some insight into doubting that you're on the right path because of someone else's expectations. I'm not going to lie, Maggie, you're taking a risk with this. But you'd be taking a risk pursuing a law degree, too. You'd be risking unhappiness and a sizable amount of debt for something someone else is telling you to want. And the two programs at the top of your list—DC and National City—they’re the ones I heard you speak about with so much passion. They’re the ones that are recognizing aliens as an important population that requires unique understanding. And you understand that and care about that, and it’s all so important, Maggie. It means a lot. And the part of me that wants to fix things wants to tell you that the no from Chicago is a sign that you were onto the right path with those other two cities because that’s where you’re gonna make the biggest impact and help the most people going forward. But I don’t know if that’s what you want to hear.

I don't know. I think we convince ourselves that if we don't have everything we want right now, we're absolutely never going to have it? And that's not true. Life is long, and we're still young. For every fresh-out-of-undergrad 22-year old in a masters or PhD program there's an older student who is taking classes to further their career or start a new one entirely. And those things can be good—not just a mediocre whatever thing, but an actual good. I don’t know. It matters to know something other than the one thing you’re doing because it helps you know that you didn’t just choose something because it sounded right or like the thing you should want. If we went by that logic, you might be miserable in law school, and I definitely wouldn’t have a girlfriend I was head over heels for.

In the interest of saving us from more miscommunications, can we Skype? It’s not as good as face-to-face, but I think it might help to at least see yours? And I want you to see how sincere I am when I tell you that you, Maggie Sawyer, are going to make a difference no matter what, that you’re going to change lives and the whole fucking world because you don’t carry that much passion and care and raw strength around and just let it hide. You’re incredible and you deserve to be told that every day for as long as you’ll let me say it—for as long as it takes until you believe it.

Love, Alex

Chapter 87

April 29, 2012, 12:06pm

Dear Alex,

Thanks again for the long Skype call last night. I’m sorry for crying as much as I did...that was mildly humiliating and definitely not something I’ve ever really done in front of someone else. So, uh, yeah, thanks for not laughing. And if we could never bring it up again, that’d be cool too. Anyway I woke up in the middle of the night with the worst cramps (at least now I have an excuse for half that crying, right?), and I’ve barely slept, and I’m totally out of groceries because I was supposed to go out yesterday or Friday but those days sort of went to shit as far as productivity, and I just want hot tea and a heating pad, and honestly I’d love to be cuddling with you, and maybe there’ll be a day in the future where that’s a reality. But for now I’m just gonna to reread your letters and take Advil and hope I can doze on and off or something. Maybe I’ll watch Pride and Prejudice and hope I dream of you.

Anyway I don’t know I just love you and I miss you a lot right now and wish you were here or I was there and we could be curled up together and stuff. But now I sound whiny and needy so I’m gonna go.

Love, Maggie

P.S. This was all supposed to be about seeing if we could push Skype from today to tomorrow because I think I might be miserable company...even more so than the past few days. But yeah let me know.

———

April 29, 2012, 7:01pm

Alex...

I found a very peppy special someone outside my door a few minutes ago clutching bag with a heating pad, mint tea, and enough chocolate to feed an army. I’m gonna let her take over because I think she wants to give you her explanation before I hit send.

Before I go though: 1. I promise I’m not going to tell anyone, so please don’t worry. I understand why some of these things aren’t secrets you can just have out in the open, and I think maybe I have a little more insight into those times you talked about feeling like you were failing or being asked to do so much more and not keeping up, even if you couldn’t speak about them. Carrying around something like that takes a lot of energy and work (physical and emotional), and I want you to know that I see it and appreciate all that you’ve surely done over the years without any recognition. You’re amazing, Alex. You’re one of the good ones, and there aren’t too many of them. 2. You’re both incredibly sweet and totally didn’t have to do this but I can finally breathe in deeply with the heat so I’m not gonna complain

Love you, Maggie

Um...hi Alex!

It’s a long story... Ok not really. It’s just, I’ve never gotten to see Maggie, you know? And I thought she’d be pretty happy about the care package, so I just wanted to see her reaction but then one of her neighbors saw me, and I got startled and made a noise and then Maggie saw me. Guess you had shown her my picture, huh? Cause she did not buy the “new neighbor” line. Anyway she’s even prettier in person than she was in the pictures on her Facebook! Also did you hear, she got into the DC police academy today! Isn’t that so great? You should be so proud!

Please don’t be mad, okay? I’m gonna hang out and chat with Maggie for a few minutes before I head back.

Love, Kara

———

April 29, 2012, 7:38pm

Hey Alex,

Kara mentioned that she told you about the DC news. I wasn’t keeping it from you, I promise. I only found out an hour or two before Kara got here, and I had kind of wanted to tell you over Skype. But I’m not mad at Kara or anything. She didn’t know. We’re having a nice conversation now about alien rights and experiences, and it’s reminding me of all the reasons why the National City and DC academies were so attractive to me in the first place. Guess what I’m saying is maybe you were right about that first rejection being a sign.

Skype tomorrow?

Love, Maggie

Chapter 88

April 29, 2012, 12:39 pm

Hi Maggie,

First of all, congratulations!! That’s amazing! I’m so glad that all the hard work you’ve done is paying off. From what you’ve told me, it sounds like the DC program would be a great fit. A selfish part of me is still holding out hope for National City, but I’m proud of you regardless. That’s really awesome, Mags. Honestly. (Plus, DC is still a shorter flight than Italy!)

Second of all, I’m…well, at the end of the day, I’m happy that you got to meet Kara—the real Kara. I wish I was just being paranoid, but this isn’t something we should discuss over email. It's…you are basically the only person outside of immediate family that knows. You should understand how dangerous it is—and not just for her (I know you get the dangerous realities for her out there—after all, it's what you want to do, right?), but it puts you at risk too. And I won’t see another person I love hurt because of it. So just…we’ll talk, but I need you to understand that secrecy here isn’t just a matter of consideration; it’s about safety and security.

I trust you. You’re dedicated to civil rights and care about the community. So please know that when I say this I’m saying it as Kara’s older sister and not as your girlfriend, but I will protect her at any costs.

I will want to talk about this a bit more during our Skype date tomorrow, but really I want to use the time to celebrate with you. This is a huge accomplishment. Also, I hope you’re feeling better! I know Kara probably gave you enough chocolate to last for days, but sometimes even chocolate isn't enough.

See you tomorrow! And congratulations again!

Love, Alex

(do make sure to check out this last one on AO3 as there are visual elements not included here)