#I tried to give nancy some nuance here because I do love her character and I almost never write her

[afewproblems]

Season Two Halloween AU Part Ten (Final Part)

Part One, Part Two, Part Three, Part Four, Part Five, Part Six Part Seven Part Eight Part Nine

Synopsis: What if Eddie had been at Tina's Halloween Party in Season Two? Featuring Steve!Whump, Stancy Breakup, and Eddie just trying to keep up with all these new revelations about who King-Steve actually is...

Thank you to Jess @strangersteddierthings for your encouragement and kind words, and to all of you that have been following along with this story. Thank you for your patience, I hope you enjoy the final installment!

***

It doesn't take much to get Dustin on board, especially given the little shits ego.

Nancy and Eddie manage to catch him outside during lunch period the following day, next to the bike racks. With Hawkins Middle just a block away from the highschool, it's easy to make their way over.

"Called it, I totally called it," Dustin preens with a wide grin, Eddie holds back the urge to roll his eyes.

Nancy levels Dustin with an unimpressed glare as she crosses her arms.

"It's not too late, we could make this work without him," Nancy says dryly, and Eddie has to bite his cheek to keep from laughing at the way Dustin's mouth drops open as he looks between Nancy and Eddie with a stricken expression.

"No, wait!" Dustin says, his voice pitched high with panic, "I want to help!" 

"Steve is a good guy, he helped my mom with the groceries last week because she had to work late," the kid continues, his voice softer now.

"I can tell he's sad, when he thinks you aren't looking at him, mom had the same thing after my dad left". 

Dustin looks up at Eddie now, a wary suspicion in his eyes, "he's been like that since the last time I covered for you," he throws long exaggerated finger quotes around the word, 'covered' as he openly glares at Eddie.

"What did you say to him before the tunnels?" Dustin demands fiercely, and even Nancy turns to look at Eddie with a questioning tilt to her head.

Frustration courses through his chest now, hot and bubbling, he has to take a deep breath to keep from yelling. 

As if Eddie hasn't been asking himself that very question, as if he hasn't been turning that moment over and over in his mind, trying to find the moment, the words, responsible for Steve's distance.

"Dustin," Nancy says sharply, "this is not the time--"

"What are you talking about," Dustin turns to Nancy, gesturing at Eddie who bristles, "we're making a plan and that should include what not to say this time."

"This was a stupid idea," Eddie bites out, turning on his heel, his ears are warm under his hair and he can feel the angry flush slowly make its way down his neck, he takes three steps before a hand catches his elbow, halting his path.

"Okay Dustin knock it off," Nancy says quietly, her head on a swivel, watching for any lunchtime stragglers lingering around them or teachers on supervision. 

Satisfied that no one seems to be watching their conversation, she turns back to Eddie and squeezes his elbow one last time before letting her hand drop away, "and you, calm down, we're all here because we want the same thing".

"Well, some of us more than others," Dustin pipes up, wiggling his eyebrows at Eddie who wants to sink into the concrete. 

"Dustin," Nancy bites out between her teeth, "Mike said the Snowball is in two days, think you could get Steve to take you?"

Dustin scrunches his nose as he looks at Nancy, "are you kidding," he scoffs, "all I have to do is tell my mom Steve offered to take me and she'll call him to thank him, he'll have no choice but to agree like it was his idea". 

Nancy blinks once at Dustin and Eddie can't help but stare at the little monster's face as he grins up at the two of them. It's honestly a good plan given what Eddie knows of Steve, and even Nancy begins to nod slowly.

"Okay, then your job," Nancy turns to Eddie now, "is to surprise him here when he arrives at the dance, Dustin's right".

Nancy doesn't look at the little twerp as she says it but nearly rolls her eyes at the triumphant laugh that bursts forth from the kid.

"An ambush is probably the best way to catch him, and Eddie," Nancy turns to fully face him and reaches out to squeeze his arm with small hands, "just…be gentle with Steve, as much as you can".

"Are we all clear on the plan then?" She asks, taking a step back towards the sidewalk path leading back to the school. 

"Yes mom," Eddie huffs, shooting Dustin a matching grin as Nancy sighs loudly.

"Just be here for seven," she says tightly before turning in her heel and stalking off towards the highschool.

"She's pretty intense hey?" Eddie says, turning back to the kid, he trails off at the scowl Dustin gives him in response.

"Nance is cool and has a gun, I wouldn't mess with her and I wouldn't mess with Steve if I were you," Dustin scoffs, taking a step closer.

Eddie swallows roughly at the sudden proximity, looking around the school yard for any stragglers making their way back to class. 

"Keep your voice down you little shit," he hisses, reaching out to pull Dustin farther away from the bike rack and the double front doors. He tries not to let the news of Nancy's weapon cache fluster him but Dustin must see something in Eddie's expression if the sudden smug grin is anything to go by.

"I'm just saying, you're new to the party and we protect each other, so if you're just looking to mess with him--"

"Jesus Christ," Eddie hisses, bringing his hands up to his eyes. He presses his fingers in until his vision explodes in a kaleidoscope of stars and counts to five, breathing deeply through his nose.

"I'm only going to say this one more time, so tell your little party because I ain't doing another shovel talk from someone whose voice hasn't even dropped".

Eddie ignores the squawk Dustin makes as he lowers his hands, "I just want to talk to Steve and see where this goes, I am not getting my hopes up that this is all gonna be 'Happily Ever After' or some shit, and you shouldn't either".

Eddie watches as Dustin frowns skeptically and has to bite the inside of his cheek to keep from rolling his eyes.

"But I swear, I'm not messing with him, okay?" 

Dustin stares at Eddie for what feels like an age, saying nothing. His gaze is anything but warm, it feels like he's being analyzed and he wishes that Nancy were still here to absorb some of the strange attention the kid has focused on him.

Eddie is about to tell him to forget it, to storm off back to the highschool when Dustin finally utters a simple, "okay". 

It throws Eddie off for a moment, he stands in the patchy November worn grass, shivering in the harsh wind, mouth opening and closing in surprise.

"That's it?" He asks faintly, watching as Dustin swings his backpack off his shoulder and unzips it. He reaches in and pulls out a bright yellow walkie talkie and holds it out to Eddie expectantly.

"The party frequency is 467.5625," Dustin says as Eddie takes the device. 

He looks from the walkie in his hands to Dustin and scoffs, "you expect me to remem--"

"Channel eight then, Jesus," the kid huffs out, "don't make me take it back, this is a big deal Munson, you're one of us now". 

Eddie holds back a smile but it's a near thing. 

It feels strange, the warmth in his chest at the words. It shouldn’t feel as big as it does, but the heavy walkie in his hands feels like acceptance, something Eddie has always insisted that he never needed. He had Wayne, he had Hellfire, and Corroded Coffin, what did it matter if the other teens gave him a wide berth in the halls, or if teachers assumed the worst of him without evidence. 

But as Eddie taps the walkie onto the palm of his left hand, that feeling of warmth grows until it travels up his throat into a sudden lump that chokes his words. 

Fuck. 

Eddie blinks away the burning sting in his eyes once, twice, before lowering himself into a bow to hide the moisture he knows is just a split second from becoming a very evident problem. 

Dustin steps back in surprise as Eddie coughs to hide the waver in his voice.

"I uh, humbly accept your invitation and will endeavor to assist with all future quests, even upon pain of death or dismemberment oh noble bard".

Eddie lets a small laugh loose as he stands back up to his full height, grinning at the delighted giggle Dustin makes, even as the kid loudly insists that he's actually an Artificer, duh.

"Could've fooled me with that inspired speech dude," Eddie shakes his head and begins making his way back towards the highschool, letting gravity take him down the small hill towards the trees with heavy steps. He feels lighter now than he has in a while.

Absolutely nothing could go wrong.

"Wait!"

The sound of quick steps and crunching dead leaves announces Dustin before Eddie can even turn to face Hawkins Middle.

He skids to a stop at the bottom of the hill, breathing heavily with a wild grin on his small face.

"I know we have a plan already, but I think I have an even better idea," he breathes out, nearly vibrating in excitement.

"Better than Wheelers?" Eddie says, raising his eyebrow and slowly crossing his arms over his chest, careful not to drop the walkie in the grass.

"It's genius," Dustin insists, "trust me".

***

It was not genius.

It is in fact the stupidest thing that Eddie has ever done.

Including the time he skipped school to climb the tallest tree in Mirkwood on a dare and ended up breaking his collarbone after falling ten feet.

But, Eddie supposes, this is exactly what happens when one listens to a thirteen year old.

Maybe this was how all urban legends started, as unsolicited advice from snarky little pre-teens with more confidence than common sense.

All of a sudden, you end up stowed away in the back of a car trying your damnedest to keep quiet so as not to tip off the driver.

Who you happen to be eavesdropping on. Again.

Fourth time's the charm after all.

Eddie tries to stay as still as he can, crouched down in the back of Steve's Beemer. How the hell did those Urban Legend serial killers make this seem so easy, Eddie thinks as they manage to hit yet another pothole, jostling his position behind Dustin's seat. Eddie's heart beat feels incredibly loud in his ears as he holds his breath between his teeth.

He wonders belatedly just what Hopper would do if he drove past them now and tries to swallow the sudden anxiety that clings to his throat.

"Remember," Steve interrupts Eddie's thoughts with his insistent tone, "you don't care, you're as cool as a cucumber, you let everything roll off your back," Steve says as the sound of the turn signal begins, the rhythmic tick tock keeping pace with his words.

"Like a duck?" Dustin asks from the passenger seat and Eddie has to fight to keep the snort that threatens to break free from his nose.

"Uh, I guess, just, look," Steve sighs as they slow down for a light if the red glow is any indication, "you don't want to come on too strong, what happens when you come on too strong?"

"It blows up in your face," Dustin says quietly as Steve speaks in unison with him, slapping the steering wheel once with the flat of his palm, making Eddie flinch in the back. 

God. Is that what Steve thinks he did?

"Exactly, Henderson, you got it! So what are you?"

"Cool as a cucumber," Dustin repeats, this time with more conviction in his voice and Eddie hopes the kid is a better actor than he thought because that is not the lesson he wants him taking away from this evening.

"Because you don't care," Steve says again, tapping the steering wheel with each word for emphasis and Eddie can hear the grin in his voice as he shifts in the driver's seat. 

"I don't care," Dustin repeats again, though in a much colder voice than before, and suddenly Eddie knows if Dustin could see him now, he'd be staring daggers at him.

Eddie rolls his eyes, he's not going to take the blame for every single word and feeling coming out of Steve's mouth and it isn't fair of Dustin to heap all of it on Eddie.

"You look like a million bucks, go get em tiger," Steve says gently as the car comes to a gentle halt. There's a fondness in his voice that Eddie hasn't heard before. 

He's never had a sibling either, but Eddie imagines that this is exactly how it would feel, witnessing their firsts, cheering them on as they head into the unknown. Being their protector from the things that go bump in the night, even if that thing was as small as a first heartbreak. 

God. King Steve just had to be a secret sweetheart didn't he?

Not that it was really much of a secret, Eddie thinks as Dustin opens the passenger door and hops out of the car--

Oh shit. 

Oh shit.

He had been so engrossed in the conversation he'd been eavesdropping on, yet again, that Eddie had forgotten to sneak out.

He had even kept the back passenger door open, ever so slightly, to avoid the sound of it alerting Steve when he made his escape at the same time as Dustin. Then all they had to do was line up their doors closing at the exact same time and Steve would be none the wiser.

Oh God, he really did it, Eddie really listened to a thirteen year old and expected the plan to work.

And what's worse, he's the one that had fucked it up and now, he's trapped.

Eddie takes a deep breath through his nose and releases it as slowly as he can through his mouth. It feels as though an elephant is seated on his chest and his lungs can't quite keep up with the weight as his ribcage slowly begins to cave in. 

He has to get out, he has to run, he has to get out, he can't be caught in here, he can't ruin this again.

He starts at a sudden tapping on the window and holds his breath as Steve leans over from the driver's side towards his passenger door.

"Dustin?" Steve huffs as he moves back into place, his arm stops to rest on the passenger door just above Eddie's legs hidden in the darkness of the back seat.

"Steve! I, uh, forgot something, in the back," Dustin's voice is slightly strangled as he stumbles through the explanation for his sudden reappearance, "uh, my backpack!"s in days with their plan in place.

"Okay," Steve says slowly, drawing out the second syllable as he drops his hand from the passenger seat, "let me look--"

"No!" Dustin barks out, leaning further into the vehicle, from the new angle Eddie can see the panic on his young face. 

"Dustin? What--" Steve huffs as the kid climbs back into the front seat, grabbing Steve's arms and forcing him to continue facing forward.

And perhaps it's the absolute ridiculousness of the situation that makes Eddie laugh, the look on Dustin's face, or the confusion in Steve's voice, but he can't help but contain the loud snort that bursts forth from the back seat. 

Shit.

Eddie's heart drops into the floor of the vehicle beneath him as Steve and Dustin both freeze. 

It's like time stands still for an eternity, though snow begins to slowly fall outside the Beemer and the far off buzzing of music and laughter continues to emanate from the school gymnasium. 

Eddie moves first, lifting his hands to cover his face as he slowly sits up. He presses his fingers harshly into his eyes until a kaleidoscope of stars and fireworks appear in the darkness, before lifting them slightly to move into his hair and pulling at the roots. Eddie keeps his eyes closed as he hears a sharp intake of breath and movement from the driver's seat. 

"Eds? Dustin, what is going on, what are you doing here?" Steve says, his voice growing louder with each word until Eddie opens his eyes. 

Steve is staring at him, his large hazel eyes are wide and his brows have pinched in the middle, cutting creases across his forehead. He looks at Dustin before turning back to Eddie again, the frown on his face slowly morphing into a sneer. 

"Figures," Steve breathes out before turning to Dustin once more, "you two planned this?"

Dustin has the decency to at least wince at the accusation, "it's not like that--"

"Just," Steve cuts the kid off, the word harsh, almost a snarl before Steve deflates, sinking back into the driver's seat and letting his head drop back onto the headrest. 

He breathes out long and slow through his nose before continuing in a much softer, tired voice, "go to the dance Henderson". 

Dustin opens his mouth to rail against the dismissal, to stop whatever train of thought has run through Steve's mind, but Eddie beats him to it.

"Dustin," Eddie sighs, dropping his hands away from his hair to his lap, "let me take my lumps man, go".

Dustin makes a noise that seems to be a cross between a curse and a growl, his expression venomous, before he steps back and closes the passenger door with a loud metalic bang.

Eddie vaguely remembers Dustin and Nancy's threat and the guns she supposedly owns and suppresses a shudder. 

One problem at a time.

Eddie hauls himself into the back seat and groans at the rush of pins and needles dotting along his arms as he moves into a normal position once more. He rubs his hands along his arms and legs, wincing at how loud he is in the absolute silence of the car.

Steve isn't looking at him, his face pressed in between his hands at 11 and 1 on the steering wheel. 

"So," Steve mutters after a beat, startling Eddie as he sits back up from the wheel, "you were listening to me. Spying. Again." 

"Steve," Eddie starts, only for the other man to continue on as though he hasn't heard him.

"The only thing I can't figure out is why?"

Steve turns in his seat to look at Eddie, his face carefully blank now but for the slight downward pull at the left corner of his mouth. The bruises from Billy's recent beatings have faded to a sallow yellow and even the collection of cuts from the shattered ashtray have begun to scab over. 

The sight makes Eddie ache.

"Did Tommy put you up to this?" Steve interrupts Eddie's thoughts, his stare unwavering.

"What?" Eddie whispers, horrified, "what are you talking about?"

"You, you keep," Steve's voice rises slightly, a hysterical edge begins to creep in as his breathing quickens, "inserting yourself into my shit, you--I told you that I," Steve swallows heavily and blinks, his hazel eyes shine in the glow of the streetlight.

"Tommy is the only one who knows about me, so--so whatever he's got you doing," Steve sucks in another short breath, it's wet at the edges and Eddie feels his chest tighten as Steve's voice wavers.

"Steve--"

"You know what," Steve hisses as he reaches down to tug the keys out of the ignition, his breathing still slightly erratic, "just don't".

Eddie watches, frozen, as Steve wrenches the driver's door open and throws himself out of the vehicle, slamming the door shut behind him.

Eddie sits in silent shock for a moment, as though his limbs have filled up with sand, holding him in place, before he manages to scramble towards his own door.

"Steve!" He shouts, wincing as he slams the car door behind him, prompting several kids and parents walking into the middle school behind them to look in curiosity.

He catches a glimpse of a maroon sweater darting into the trees. 

Gotcha. 

Eddie hurries after him, cursing Dustin's insistence that, 'with this plan you won't need a coat, there's no waiting outside at all!'

He tamps down the hot feeling of irritation creeping up his chest and into his throat. It's a ridiculous night, first spent crouched into the back of a car and now traipsing through the woods to what? 

Chase after someone who clearly wants nothing to do with him? Who has been purposefully avoiding him since that night in the tunnels. 

Nancy and Dustin had it wrong, this was stupid. 

What was he thinking going along with their batshit plan --not that Nancy deserved credit for the car thing, that was all Henderson. 

Eddie pushes a branch out of his path and steps over a snow covered log, cursing the fact that he can feel the chill creeping into his toes through the thin canvas of his converse sneakers. The shoes also have little traction in the fresh snow that seems to be coming down even harder now as the night goes on.

As if to prove a point Eddie slips on a wet patch of leaves and swears at the sudden pain in his back as he struggles to keep upright.

He's breathing hard, puffs of frozen breath billow out and away from him in the cool night air

'Be gentle with him,' Nancy had said, as if she knew this would happen. As if she knew Steve would run the first chance he could and Eddie would follow.

He shakes his head and takes a deep breath, letting it in and out, allowing the frustration and anger from the last few days flow out with each breath.

"Steve," Eddie shouts as he finally catches a glimpse of maroon and tawny hair through the thicket, "just stop, man!"

Steve halts, halfway over a fallen log, but doesn't turn around.

Eddie ducks under another branch and into the small break in the trees that Steve is in. He can see the way the other man's shoulders rise and fall rapidly in the meager moonlight but whether from panic or exertion, Eddie can't tell.

"Steve," Eddie says as he takes another wary step forward, as though approaching a wild animal.

"You promised we'd talk," Eddie tries to swallow around the sudden lump in his throat, "was that a lie?" 

Steve says nothing still, though he turns his face just enough that Eddie can make out his profile in the low light.

Eddie sighs heavily, sliding a shaking hand through his hair, "what would Tommy want with the town freak anyway, he'd be more likely to put sugar in my gas tank than talk to me about anything, Steve".

"So," Eddie breathes out slowly, feeling his heart rate begin to climb as he prepares to take the leap, "rewind a bit, and catch me up on just what is going on in that head of yours sweetheart".

He sees the moment the words register in the way Steve stiffens, the way he slowly turns towards Eddie, his face pale and his eyes wide.

"You…you've called me that before, in the car," Steve says slowly, in fits and starts, "I thought it was a dream". 

Eddie takes another step closer, watches as Steve traces his movement with wary eyes.

"I think that was the most scared I have ever been in my life Steve, I thought you were dead, and it made me realize something," he swallows heavily, it feels like glass all the way down. 

"I was an idiot," Eddie whispers, his breath floats away in the cold November air as he shivers, "and didn't understand what you were trying to tell me at the Byers".

Steve winces slightly and nods, he opens his mouth to say something but Eddie beats him to it.

"IthinkyourNonnawasontosomethingSteve," the words tumble out in a long nearly unintelligible string, "I want to be in your life, whatever that means, however you'll have me," his lungs stutter slightly as Eddie takes a deep steadying breath.

Steve's head tilts slightly to the left as he regards Eddie with a infuriating black expression, his eyes searching Eddie's own.

"As friends?" Steve says slowly. There's a leading note to his voice that Eddie tries not to wince at.

He can't quite help the way his shoulders drop at the words though. Of course, of course he'd been right the first time. Steve was straight and, despite his better judgment, Eddie had gone ahead and gotten his hopes up for nothing.

"If that's what you want," Eddie agrees, forcing a wane smile that doesn't meet his eyes.

Steve's expression betrays nothing still as he moves through the thicket in two steps, his gaze never wavering from Eddie's own as he crosses his arms over his chest, still guarded despite how close they are.

"And if I wanted something else?" Steve speaks softly now, the words travel in between them through gentle puffs of frozen breath.

They're nearly the same height, Eddie might be a half inch taller or so, but from this close it doesn't matter. 

Eddie can see the flecks of green in his eyes, the collection of freckles and moles across his nose and cheeks; if Steve is an Autumnal King in a sunset, he's absolutely otherworldly in the moonlight. The pale snow falling around them almost makes it seem like he's glowing.

"Glowing huh?" 

Fuck.

Steve's face splits into a soft smile, his eyes crinkle at the corners, pulling at the yellow bruised skin. He breathes out something resembling a laugh through his nose as he says, "well, you're not so bad yourself Munson".

Eddie takes another step closer, his heart racing at a mile a minute, "s'that right?" he asks, lifting his hands to grip at Steve's arms.

He lets his ungloved hands run up and down, reveling at how soft and warm the sweater Steve's wearing is before settling at his elbow.

Steve's eyes slowly trace over Eddie's face, before his expression morphs into the determined one that Eddie recognizes from that horrible night in the tunnels.

"I'm sorry," Steve swallows roughly before clearing his throat. He takes a deep breath and shakes his head as Eddie opens his mouth to speak, "please, just let me explain first, and then you can," he bites at the inside of his cheek as his hazel eyes move beyond Eddie's gaze into the trees. 

"You can, make your decision or whatever".

Eddie hesitates for just a moment, squeezing Steve's arms once more before he lets go. 

Steve gives Eddie a tight smile, before closing his eyes, "I've known Tommy since we were like six, sandbox kids right?"

"Our dads were friends, they worked together, so it just made sense, and we were close, we did everything together," Steve opens his eyes but doesn’t look at Eddie, "Tommy knows a lot about me, stuff I've never told anyone, not even Nance".

Steve sighs, kicking roughly at a cluster of leaves and snow on the ground, "not that she hasn't figured a bunch of it out, she's smart like that". 

"I remember talking about girls for the first time when we were Dustin's age, Tommy had a crush on Linda Holloway, he liked her red hair," Steve smiles faintly, but it quickly disappears as he finally meets Eddie's eyes once more, "and I didn't think anything of it at the time, I just thought we were sharing who we thought was cute so I--"

He stops speaking, his breath stutters for a moment as he shakes his head once and curls his arms even more tightly around himself.

"Steve--" Eddie tries, reaching out once again with one hand before he curls his fingers away as though afraid to touch him. 

Eddie wants to tell Steve that he doesn't need to continue, that he understands, but Steve has regained his voice, soft and unwavering.

"I told him about Mary McKinney, she let me borrow her pencil whenever I needed it and always wore her hair in braids," Steve licks his lips, his eyes flitting between Eddie now and the ground, "and, about Brian Donovan, he was on our little league team and he had the best dimples I'd ever seen".

Steve's lips twist into a shy smile this time as he looks at Eddie, "maybe second best now".

Heat rises in Eddie's cheeks, his heart thrums in his chest and he can't stop the pleased grin from taking over his face at the words. 

God, he's so fucked.

Steve continues on, if he notices Eddie's blush in the low twilight he doesn't mention it.

"Tommy said that was weird to think of boys like that, the same way I thought about Mary, and not to talk about it again. That didn't stop him from bringing it up after that," Steve sighs heavily now, "I couldn't so much as make eye contact with another guy at school without Tommy telling me off". 

Anger ignites in Eddie's chest, spreading up his throat and curling around his hands which suddenly long to meet Tommy Hagans stupid face. 

He'd never cared for the guy. Too far up his own ass over the years with a mean streak a mile wide. Add to that a penchant for making other kids' lives absolutely miserable and you have a recipe for a douchebag that Eddie based nearly half of the Munson Doctrine on. 

The other half, well, that had also been influenced by Steve, but if Eddie was being honest, he had no clue who the real Steve Harrington was. 

No one did. 

Hopefully, in time, Eddie could change that. 

"I'm sorry for not trusting you," Steve whispers, his face tipped down to the ground, "I think I've had his voice in my head for so long that I couldn't stop myself from listening to it".

"You want to know the worst part?" Steve asks quietly, he scoffs, not bothering to wait for Eddie to reply, "he acted like he was doing me a fucking favour, like he was protecting me". 

He shakes his head, lifting a hand to pinch the bridge of his nose as his voice wavers suddenly, "maybe he was, in his own way--"

"Nope," Eddie barks out, startling them both with the sudden volume filling the trees, "that rat was trying to save his own skin by trying to control you, you owe Tommy nothing". 

Steve looks at Eddie with wide shocked eyes. He's standing so still that Eddie wonders if he's stopped breathing.

"Maybe he thought he was doing you a favour," Eddie laughs, it's a cold bitter thing that hangs low amongst the tree roots and plant litter, "and in public sure, I get it, but honestly if he could only be friends with this version of you, then he wasn't really ever your friend, Steve". 

"If someone doesn't like you just as you are, then they aren't worth it".

Steve is still staring, he hasn't blinked the entire time that Eddie has been speaking…it's a little unnerving.

"So," Steve asks, hesitantly, halting Eddie's train of thought, "what about you?" 

He's even closer now and, when the hell did that happen.

"Me?" Eddie says faintly, his eyes drop once to Steve's lips, they're slightly chapped but have never looked so God Damn kissable.

Eddie takes a deep breath, and smiles softly as he lifts his hands to grip Steve's elbows once again, squeezing gently before sliding them down to take his hands. 

They're large and warm in his own, callused along the palms from where the nail bat had sat in his hands. Eddie lets his thumbs run along his knuckles, lingering on the healing scabs from his fight with Billy.

"You weren't what I was expecting," Eddie says, watching as Steve's head tilts again at the nonsequiteur, "especially after the party when I tried to give you back your sunglasses".

"You care, about the kids --even when they are being self destructive little shits, about Nancy even though she broke your heart," he traces his thumbs over the tops of Steves hands when his fingers twitch, "and you care about me, enough to put yourself out there even though you had no idea if I felt the same". 

"You are brave, crazy brave to the point where I'm a little worried about why you're so quick to just throw yourself in front of danger, but," Eddie shakes his head as Steve bristles this time, ducking his face away from Eddie's watchful eyes, "we'll unpack that another day". 

He takes a deep breath and slowly lets go of one of Steve's hands, shaking as he reaches up to cup Steve's jaw, tipping his face up until his eyes are level with Eddie's once more.

Steve's hazel eyes trace over Eddie's face, wide and glassy in the moonlight. They are close enough that Eddie can feel the shallow puffs of air against his lips as Steve's breathing quickens.

"Did the doctor say anything about your face," Eddie asks, gesturing at his own with his one free hand, "recovery time?"

Steve shakes his head with a confused frown.

"Good," Eddie takes a deep breath, allowing a wide lecherous grin to bloom, "because I like you, Steve Harrington, exactly as you are, and I'm going to kiss you," he lifts his other hand now to cup the other side of Steve's face, "but I only make it hurt if you want me to, big boy".

Eddie freezes as the words he just said register. 

Oh Fuck.

Who pulls out Big Boy like five seconds after confessing their feelings? 

Eddie groans lowly and shuts his eyes for a beat, only opening them at the tentative sound of Steve's voice.

"Eds," Steve laughs, his face flushed a deep scarlet, giving Eddie a sly smile of his own, "that was really bad, like really bad".

Eddie sighs, embarrassment beginning to curl, hot and heavy, in his chest as he removes his hands from Steve's face, "I know…"

He startles at the feeling of warm fingers wrapping around his own, drawing his hands back to where they had been on Steve's face, "it's a good thing I like you, so you can get more practice".

"Yeah?" Eddie whispers, his voice hoarse as though he can scarcely breathe. He watches as Steve smiles, counting the crinkles at the edges of his eyes and the way his scarlet flush has faded to a soft pink.

He wants to freeze this moment, burn it into his memory so he'll never forget the soft happiness in Steve's eyes.

"Yeah, Eds," Steve breathes against his lips as their noses brush, "exactly as you are".

Eddie's not sure which of them moves first, it's only the faint brush of chapped lips against his own that sets off an unhinged chorus of, 'Kisskissingkisswhatthefuckyou'rekissingSteveHarrington'.

Eddie's fingers tighten against Steve's face before his hands begin to move on their own, one along his jaw until it has wrapped around the back of his head, burying his fingers in thick soft hair. His other hand shifts slightly lower, his thumb presses into Steve's jaw until his head tips back. 

The noise Steve makes against his lips as Eddie moves him sends a thrill down his spine. He feels two hands slide up his chest, over his shoulders, and around his neck as Steve presses himself even closer. Eddie's fingers tighten in Steve's hair, almost involuntarily, as the pulse under his thumb climbs even higher. Eddie hums contentedly and smiles into the kiss.

It's…God.

Kissing Steve is everything he's ever wanted. He tastes like peppermint, like the candy canes Dustin had brought Steve as a thank you for the ride to the dance, and Eddie can't help but wonder if the little shit had done so with this in mind? 

No, nope. Definitely not thinking about that right now.

He tugs his mind away from the thought and opens his lips more to brush against Steve's with purpose, pulling a sweet moan from the other as he nips at his bottom lip.

He pulls back begrudgingly after another moment, relishing the heat, the softness of Steve pressed against him. They're still standing in the middle of the ravine just a few steps from the middle school and it would probably be best to continue this sort of thing in private. 

Eddie shifts away just enough to run the tip of his nose down Steve's own, his heart fit to burst at the soft sigh Steve releases at the touch. His eyes are closed, but from the new blush that has spread from Steve's cheeks, to his ears and all the way down his neck, as well as the soft grin that pulls at his lips, Eddie can tell the feeling is mutual.

Eddie wonders just how many different shades of pink he could make Steve turn? 

A thought for another day, Eddie thinks with a mischievous smirk, brushing his thumb along the crest of Steve's cheek. 

"We should probably get back sweetheart," Eddie murmurs as he reluctantly removes his hands from Steve's face, "I can think of somewhere warmer we can go to talk". 

Steve nods with a snort, knocking his shoulder into Eddie, "talk huh?" 

"Is that not what the kids call it these days?"

Eddie drapes his arm around Steve's neck, tugging the other man closer. He comes all too willingly with a pleased grin stretched across his face.

"Besides," Eddie hums as they begin to make their way back the way they came, "my Uncle Wayne's been asking about when he can meet you --well after he weaseled it out of me, what was making me mope so much these last few weeks, he's already making Thanksgiving plans--"

They jerk to a halt, half slipping in the leaves and snow, he turns to Steve to meet his wide fearful eyes.

"You--your uncle knows, about me, about you?" Steve asks, the words stopping and starting as he speaks. 

Eddie reaches out only for Steve to take a step back into the trees, "why would you tell him--"

"He doesn't know about you specifically, Steve, I would never do that," Eddie insists, he keeps his voice level now with how close they are to the school again, he can hear the sounds of teens yelling and laughing in the short distance.

"Okay, but he, he doesn't care about…"

Steve trails off, his teeth closing down on his bottom lip and though chewing on what he wants to ask.

Your uncle doesn't care about you being gay, being different?

Eddie sighs, resisting the urge to lift his hands and press his fingers into his eyes, "Uncle Wayne took me in a few years ago when my parents kicked me out for that so, no, it's pretty safe to say he doesn't".

"Oh," Steve says faintly. His arms come up around his chest as he begins to hunch in on himself yet again.

Well shit. 

Now, Eddie isn't a hundred percent certain, but based on things that Steve has said, the warning that Nancy gave him, and what happened at the hospital, he knows that the Harrington house hasn't been the happy home he had assumed it to be.

And now, given the stricken look on Steve's face and the pinch in his gut, the doubts are fading even further away. 

Eddie takes a deep breath, stepping onto the tightrope between them, he'll have to be careful about how he plays this, or Steve could bolt again. He's seen Steve run track at school, he knows the other man could easily outrun him.

Best not to give him a reason to.

"You know, not all parents, um, deserve to be parents sweetheart," Eddie says slowly, carefully, watching Steve's face as he speaks, "especially if they're never around".

He feels the rope between them wobble as he takes a step closer, holding out his hand.

"Especially if they don't love us for who we are Stevie," Eddie whispers, watching as Steve looks away sharply, his shoulders tense.

Eddie takes another deep breath before taking the leap, hoping that his feet will meet the ground beneath them.

"Wayne isn't like that, he's safe, and he wants to meet the person I've been mooning over for weeks now, if you're up for it". 

Steve swallows once, twice, his jaw moves as though grinding what he wants to say between his teeth, his nose begins to redden as his eyes grow damp at the edges.

"Yeah," he manages to choke out, his voice cracks down the center as he draws one hand up to pinch the bridge of his nose, "maybe not, right, right now but --fuck, I'm sorry, I don't know why this keeps happening".

Eddie takes the last step and pulls Steve into his arms again; he stiffens at first before finally relaxing, almost boneless, against Eddie's chest. He feels Steve release a long hitching breath and squeezes him gently, rubbing his cheek against the slight stubble on Steve's own.

"Probably because it's been a really hard couple of weeks sweetheart," Eddie pulls back enough to look into Steve's eyes, they're red rimmed now and his lashes have begun to clump together, but even like this Steve still looks beautiful.

"Yeah," Steve says, he sniffs, wincing at the sound of his stuffy nose, "I think I could use a proper…talk, and a rest, if you're still up for it?"

Eddie feels a smile pulling at his lips as incandescent happiness glows in his chest. He pulls Steve closer once more, relishing the feeling of being able to hold Steve again, without the scent of blood and terror in the air. 

"Lead the way then sweetheart," Eddie says softly, knowing he'll follow Steve wherever he goes. There's a lot more for them to talk about, but for now, he'll be there for Steve as his person, for as long as he can. 

Forever if he can swing it. 

Tag List:

@eriquin @luvinthefreaks @cinnamon-mushroomabomination @goodolefashionedloverboi @ellietheasexylibrarian @bambibiest @sadboislovebeans @howincrediblysapphicofyou @coleys-a-nerd @whycantiuseunderscore @airconditioning123 @xxfiction-is-my-realityxx @corrodedbisexual @starman-jpg @ilovecupcakesandtea @yoriposts @clumsiluni @pelinelin @phantomcat94 @lololol-1234 @anaibis @steveshairspray @hellfireone @eddielives1986 @sunswathe  @tentativeghost @robin-not-batman @estrellami-1 @manda-panda-monium @tinyplanet95 @perseus-notjackson @queenie-ofthe-void @rainbowsaw @sp0o0kylights @littlebluejane @hi-im-eff  @phantypurple @just-ladyme @thoroughlycollected @justrandomfandomstm @swimmingbirdrunningrock @finntheehumaneater @dynamic-powerm@nightmareglitter @genderless-spoon @zaddipax @thebiblesays @pyrohonk @emly03 @geekymagicalpotato @sidebarre @lemon-astra @cipounette @discreetapple @starlitlakes @saphhicwitchbitch @marvel-ous-m @lingeringmirth @honorarybrit81 @bookbinderbitch @finntheehumaneater  @lololol-1234 @eddie-munsons-missing-nipple @monsterloverforhire @gaydrieeen @starlight-archer @homosexual-having-tea @devondespresso @rennnnon @my-hyperfixations-hell-blog @carlprocastinator1000 @0o-queendean-o0 @emly03 @paintsplatteredandimperfect @louismeds @fruitmix

@lizzicleromance @fairy-princette @eddiethehunted

And a few people I think may be intersted!

@steddierthings @steddie-there @stevesbipanic @henderdads @bramble-berries @flowercrowngods

[palmviolet]

hii! may i just ask you why/how the mom steve meme is sexist?

thank you for asking so politely!! i’m happy to talk about it (and i think it ought to be discussed).

okay, so let’s talk about mom steve.

steve is a teenage boy. the foundations of his character were set as the stereotypical 80s high school douche, a kind of foil to jonathan, whom nancy was always ultimately going to choose over steve - regardless of how steve’s character developed later on. then the duffers met joe keery, and decided to take his character in a different direction. he starts the series as your high school bully, though the take on the trope is more nuanced than it was originally, but by the end of season 1 he’s starting to redeem himself.

this is all good. it’s more interesting, actually, than the more typical archetype fulfilled by billy in season 2. the duffers are all about nuance.

so let’s go to joyce in season 1. joyce embodies another archetype - the stricken, frantic, hysterical mother. the narrative could easily dismiss her, but instead a large proportion of the series is from her perspective: we see her use of the christmas lights not as a delusion but as a rational, logical experiment. we as the audience are desperate for the others to believe her. so here, too, there is another subversion of a trope - and when her beliefs are validated by hopper, literally part of the institutions that dismiss her (he is ex-army, the police chief, a man), she is still a fundamental part of uncovering the mystery and finding her son. he doesn’t take over. without her, they never would have succeeded.

all this she does in aid of her child. she gets called crazy, delusional, a mess even by her own son, jonathan - but she doesn’t give up.

to summarise so far - in season 1, both steve and joyce subvert tropes. joyce overcomes institutional sexism by her strength and belief as a mother.

onto season 2. the crisis - the monster du jour - isn’t so glaring this time, but creeps up on the narrative. will is present and for a while joyce can be more relaxed. she has a boyfriend now - bob - and they seem happy together. we learn than she and hopper went to high school together. we discover she - and the other characters - are still heavily traumatised by the events of season 1. nancy is too, and she’s struggling in her relationship with steve. but instead of framing their breakup around her trauma, around how they simply don’t work together anymore because they’ve both grown to be different people, the show seems to favour steve and make it less than amicable. we are made to feel sorry for steve, poor, dumped steve, instead of placing the two on equal ground.

@jancys-blue-bayou made a good post about this a while back, when the teaser for s3 came out. in it they discuss steve in season 2; ‘they began […] by making him “a loser” through his relationship with nancy ending in a way that humiliated his frail male ego and then king steve losing his crown to billy, so he’s not popular in high school now. just like jonathan’s never been.’ essentially they begin to shape steve into what jonathan used to be - a loner, an outcast, someone the audience should sympathise with. the kind of character stranger things has always been about.

meanwhile the whole mess with will begins, and joyce has no other focus once again - her relationship with bob falls by the wayside, unless he becomes relevant to will again (calling him up about the tape, inviting him in to help them solve the map). within the narrative this is perfectly understandable - her son is going through something horrible, again, of course he’s all she cares about - but we lose any sense of joyce the person, again. she’s just joyce the mom. contrast this with hopper, who is treated very differently by the narrative. he has multiple plotlines, emotional beats. as @nancykali puts it, ‘the duffers didn’t want to deal with their only main adult female character having a storyline outside of will and hopper. oh but wait - hopper could get his storylines as joyce’s love interest, a support for will, and an adoptive parent to el though, couldn’t he? that’s unbalanced and sexist storytelling.’

so, to recap - while joyce is reduced down to just the Mom (which was fine in s1, because of the urgency of the situation and the fact that this was a new show, none of the characters had been developed much yet, but starts to become alarming in s2) which by default makes her less relatable, less of a figure for the audience to connect with, steve is deliberately cast as a multi-faceted, sympathetic character. joyce’s ‘story is no less than hopper’s but it’s treated as lesser by the canon because she’s a woman and her role is Mother First, Human Second. but if a man decides to be a father he deserves to be lauded, where for a mother to adopt a little girl, that’s too predictable to some people.’ this last bit is in reference to hopper, but it works for steve too. steve giving attention to the kids and acting protective over them for what amounts to one afternoon is celebrated far beyond anything joyce has done, because it’s breaking type. and sure, that can be a good thing. when the series first came out i really enjoyed babysitter steve.

but that’s all he is. a babysitter. joyce is a real mom, and yet because she’s a woman, that’s her job description. but because steve is a teenage boy, who used to be something of a bully, he gets praise far beyond what he might deserve.

being a mother is what drives joyce’s narrative arc - and that’s wrong, and misogynistic, because she deserves to be fleshed out and given other plotlines too - and her character would literally have nothing without it. it feels like a slap in the face, then, for it to be steve who is labelled ‘best mom’ - steve, who has multiple facets to his character, steve who is a teenage boy, steve who is affluent and male and up until recently embodied the trope of 80s highschool bully. joyce is quite literally a single mom and we are shown that she often struggles to make ends meet. she’s had nervous breakdowns in the past, she works weekends and nights and holidays, she relies on jonathan almost as a co-parent to will. she’s a flawed mother, but she does her goddamn best because her life is hard - and despite all this she finds time to actively know and engage with her sons’ interests, to play with them, to have jokes with them. this is being a good mom.

‘mom steve’ is perpetuated by fandom, but it is rooted in the show. take the first s3 teaser: ‘they have him work a menial job that has fans of the mom meme write stuff like “steve got a minimum wage job to take care of his five kids”’. both joyce and jonathan work/have worked menial jobs to support their family, possibly both at minimum wage - while steve is very notably and explicitly affluent. in fact if any character in the show who is not a mom deserves to be called one, it’s jonathan, who is in all but name a co-parent to will. i think @jancys-blue-bayou and @nervousalligator have written on this in the past.

however, applying the term ‘mom’ to these male characters at all is sexist by itself. it promotes the idea that only women can be caregivers - that parenting is only the duty of the mother, and is nothing to do with men. this is highly misogynistic, links back to age-old gender roles that it’s high time were erased, and yet the meme perpetuates them. steve is male. if anything, he should be called ‘dad steve’ - but people won’t run with that, because it’s all a joke. because motherhood is a joke. joyce is defined by being a mother and yet she gets no recognition for it, while steve is not a mother, has multiple plotlines and facets beyond that meme, and yet is lauded as the best mom of all.

it’s actually a manner of woobifying him. he’s not a perfect character, not of them are, yet this ‘mom’ caricature somehow strives to paint him as such. it’s the same with hopper, in his parenting of el - his obvious flaws are dismissed across the fandom because of sweet father-daughter moments. i love hopper as a character, and i can appreciate steve, but often people simply don’t understand them. as @paris-geller-was-straightwashed puts it, ‘y’all will soften the males of this show all the way down until they literally don’t have any sharp edges anymore.’ the male characters become perfect, can do no wrong, while the women are criticised for their every mistake (see the treatment of nancy post s2).

it’s a cycle. the show began it, when they tried to promote steve the best way they knew how - by shaping him into a prototype of jonathan, except without any flaws and much, much richer - and the fandom picked it up and ran with it. this led to fanservice, with the scoops ahoy teaser and the stranger things twitter (don’t think i’ve forgiven the mothers’ day tweet). with any luck the fandom will wise up a little or the creators will stop pandering to them, but we’ll have to see the outcome of s3. regardless, it’s time to stop calling steve a mom. if anything, he’s a big brother to dustin - yet another role that was somewhat snatched from jonathan (see the scene at the end of s1 when jonathan comes down to mike’s basement at the end of the d&d game - he’s a big brother figure to all the boys). people call steve a mom because he gave dustin advice - horrible, sexist advice (‘treat ‘em like you don’t care’) - and put a tea towel on his shoulder. that’s it.

so maybe appreciate steve as his own character, a babysitter at most, because you’re doing him a disservice by woobifying him and calling him a ‘mom’. appreciate joyce, who is an actual mom, and maybe start lobbying the duffers for more development for their female characters rather than for more sexist memes.

TLDR; joyce is defined by being a mother and yet she gets no recognition for it, while steve is not a mother, has multiple plotlines and facets beyond that meme, and yet is lauded as the best mom of all.

[blackjack-15]

The Hand(print) of Fate — Thoughts on: Secret of the Scarlet Hand (SSH)

Previous Metas: SCK/SCK2, STFD, MHM, TRT, FIN

Hello and welcome to a Nancy Drew meta series! 30 metas, 30 Nancy Drew Games that I’m comfortable with doing meta about. Hot takes, cold takes, and just Takes will abound, but one thing’s for sure: they’ll all be longer than I mean them to be.

Each meta will have different distinct sections: an Introduction, an exploration of the Title, an explanation of the Mystery, a run-through of the Suspects. Then, I’ll tackle some of my favorite and least favorite things about the game, and finish it off with ideas on how to improve it.

Unique to this game is a section in between Suspects and Favorite Things, titled “The Hardy Boys”. The content it covers should be fairly obvious.

If any game requires an extra section or two, they’ll be listed in the paragraph above, along with links to previous metas.

These metas are not spoiler free, though I’ll list any games/media that they might spoil here: SSH, SCK, mostly non-spoilery mention of TMB and DOG, National Treasure, very spoilery mention of Agatha Christie’s The ABC Murders.

The Intro:

Secret of the Scarlet Hand is the game that introduces one of Nancy’s most enduring and obvious character traits — her interest in ancient cultures. This comes up again in TMB, where Nancy once again chooses to do an internship, and once again it surrounds an ancient culture.

 Given that, going forward, Nancy mostly gets “chosen” for her cases, rather than stumbling upon them and choosing to solve, the times when Nancy does make a choice are important for establishing (and re-establishing) her character.

SSH is also the game where Nancy starts being “tested”. It’s not quite as overt as some of the other games, but the culprit does call Nancy into their office at the very beginning of the game, worried that someone will steal from the Beech Hill Museum. 

While we know from the tagline on the outside of the box that we’ll be catching a thief (more on that tagline below) so this isn’t a huge spoiler, it does show how the culprit is setting up Nancy to be tested — to answer their one question; can she stop them?

She can, of course, not the least of which because the culprit is obvious. However, this isn’t a negative part of the game — because for the first time, the culprit is obvious to Nancy as well as the player. Heck, everyone else in the game figures it out too — what they’re lacking is concrete evidence, not knowledge. 

But this is a mystery game — this is a Nancy Drew game — so why would the devs not care that everyone knows the culprit from the very beginning?

Mostly because that’s not the main mystery in the game. Even the handprint — which should be the main mystery, because it’s on the cover and in the title, right? — is a borrowed clue, or a forged signature, if you’ll allow the pun. 

The mystery isn’t who stole the Pacal carving, or who pushed (if anyone) Henrik down the temple stairs, or any other mild mystery that the game sets up. This game isn’t even technically a mystery— instead, as we’re told first thing, it’s about secrets.

This is a game about secrets, lies, and above all, the little inter-personal squabbles going on against the backdrop of a museum exhibit opening. Nancy’s puzzling out who hates who and why, who likes who and why, who each of these people really are at their core, and how this information can help her catch the culprit in the act. 

This isn’t a whodunnit, or a howdunnit— it’s a howcatchem, which is fitting when your villain isn’t a murderer or mischief maker, but a smuggler. Generally, smugglers are well known to the police and other organizations; the problem lies not in identifying them, but catching them.

This is further proved by the Historical B-Plot, which once again doesn’t contain a mystery about who killed the Whisperer, but rather focuses on the relationship between the King and the Whisperer, and how secrets ultimately work to both kill (anciently) and save (in the present day).

Come to think of it, maybe this game should have been called “Secrets Can Kill”, and SCK should have been called “the one where murder is taken Lightly and Awfully and also there’s no puzzles”.

The Whisperer is an incredibly important character, not just because she also knew the value of secrets and knowledge, and was ultimately killed for it, but also because she’s one of the few examples of a theme that becomes omnipresent in the later games — she’s a shadow of Nancy. A woman who knows secrets, who is hunted and ultimately hurt by those whose secrets she knows. The game makes this comparison obvious by the end when, like the Whisperer herself, Nancy is shut inside the monolith.

Fate is the other big player in this game (though I’ll get into this later), thematically speaking. The fate of secrets, as popularized by the well-known aphorism “two can keep a secret if one of them is dead”, is to get out. The secret of the smuggling operation tries its best to get out over and over, resulting in Henrik’s fall and amnesia, Joanna’s temporary firing, Alejandro’s machinations, and, of course, ends with Nancy in the monolith.

Outside of the story, I’ll give mad props for this game being an excellent representation of an understaffed museum before a big opening. Sure, the whole thing is an ADA nightmare (all those stairs, the basement portion, etc.), but the game came out in 2002, before a lot of buildings etc. had to be ADA-compliant. 

People running around, unpaid interns doing the heavy lifting, red tape everywhere — the game embraces these realities of opening a new exhibit on a shoestring staff and budget, and it’s fun to see.

I’d be remiss in not acknowledging the importance of Secret of the Scarlet Hand as the first game in what I call the “Expanded” series of Nancy Drew games, moving on from the “Classic” series that covers games 1-5. In the “Expanded” games, which runs roughly from SSH through SHA, Her Interactive pushes the envelope, relying on their now-established patterns and tropes, but also working on making the games bigger, more immersive, more detailed, and more complicated. 

Here in SSH, the locations are bigger and more detailed, your list of phone contacts is longer, the amount of puzzles expands (especially compared to FIN), and the story has a bit more depth and nuance — a good option considering the game is somewhat longer than the first 5 (especially SCK and FIN).

SSH is also important because it’s the first game where the Nancy Drew Universe is really established. 

We have our first mention/appearance of Prudence Rutherford, a character who appears in or is referenced in several games, establishing a canon of celebrities/socialites in the Nancy Drew Universe. There’s also Krolmeister and, perhaps most strikingly, Sonny Joon, whose escapades (and drawings) first appear here. 

With the addition of these and of the Hardy Boys (much more on them later), Her Interactive shows that they’re interested in creating a universe rather than one-shot style games. This trend should hardly surprise anyone who knows that this is also the first game where Her Interactive is an independent distributor. With full creative (and distributive) license, Her became wholly free to build the kind of Universe that we know and love and associate with the Nancy Drew games — and the kind of Universe that the games needed in order to really come into their own.

The final section of this absurdly long intro is going to focus on possibly the most important thing SSH gave us: the Hardy Boys. As they’re introduced in this game (through Bess and George), the Hardy Boys are friends of Nancy who haven’t seen her for a while and show up at Bess and George’s place (or rather, one of their houses), crashing into the game with all the elegance of….well, the Hardy Boys.

This introduces the only voice actor who’s voiced their character from first appearance to present day: Rob Jones, voice of Joe Hardy. Joe’s voice is as iconic as Nancy’s herself, combining smarts with a youthful brightness and a high-energy, can do attitude. It’ll be a few games yet before Frank’s voice settles into the best-known incarnation by Jonah Von Spreecken (who debuts in Danger By Design), but the Hardy Boys’ characters are pretty well set in this game: logical, practical, and studious (though slightly anxious) Frank, and laid-back, action-oriented, and conspiracy-enthusiast Joe.

All in all, Secret of the Scarlet Hand keeps to the solid Nancy Drew formula while adding a few key new items that themselves become part of the Expanded formula. 

It paves the way for the next section of Nancy Drew games and is, if you don’t have access to MHM or TRT, the single best starting point in the Nancy Drew series. Polished, engaging, and always entertaining, SSH is a fascinating and fun addition to a burgeoning series.

The Title:

The title of this game — Secret of the Scarlet Hand — is a bit of a difficult one. It begs the question what is the secret of the scarlet hand, but doesn’t do much in the way of answering it.

The game isn’t shy about showing us the titular scarlet hand; it’s displayed proudly where the Pacal carving is stolen. It’s much shyer about telling us the titular secret, building up the handprint as a Big, Symbolic Clue but never really satisfying the player’s curiosity about it.

There’s more to the handprint than that, but that’ll be covered in the section immediately below.

The other odd thing about the title is that it’s very indeterminate. In SCK, there’s a person who finds out secrets, and is killed — a rather point-blank title. STFD is an obvious pun on “stay tuned” in a television sense, and is easily understood that way. Both MHM and TRT refer to a definite noun within a location, and FIN takes us back to puns/wordplay. SSH, however, has an indefinite subject tied to another noun, and thus is far less grounded.

The indeterminate nature of the title could represent the distractions in Nancy’s way. Ostensibly, she’s just there to help the museum in its build-up to the opening of the Maya exhibit in her capacity as an intern, but that motivation gets cast aside as soon as things start going wonky — aka, beginning with the culprit’s “worry” that the museum will get robbed, and then solidified by the Pacal carving being stolen.

Along the way, Nancy is distracted by everything: taking care of the museum, solving Sonny Joon’s riddles, interrogating suspects, Henrik’s fall, provenance, Joanna’s departure, the Hardy Boys — the list goes on and on. 

Perhaps the indeterminate title is to tell the players that the titular secret is supposed to stay a secret — that while Nancy works out every other secret in the game, the secret of the scarlet hand is just that — a secret.

The MysterySecret:

While there’s no real mystery at the beginning — beyond how a HS graduate from the suburbs of Chicago gets an internship with a Large museum in DC without any credentials besides “I fight crime” — there are secretsfrom the very beginning, starting with the silhouetted Nancy in the cutscene with Joanna. 

HER wanted to show off what they could do, and they did it with panache, making the camera its own character rather than Nancy’s eyes, at least for a scene.

The secrets pile up, however, with the monolith in a box, Sinclair warning you about other thefts around the world, the question of if the Pacal carving/monolith are acquired legally or not, the disappearance of the carving, Sonny Joon, the smuggling ring, “Big Bunny”, Henrik’s fall…the list goes on and on.

The tagline for these games often help spell out the “big mystery” of the game. The tagline for this game is “expose buried secrets and catch a thief red-handed”, but does this actually happen?

Nancy does expose several secrets that are “buried” in some form. The mystery of the Pacal carving theft is buried in Henrik’s memories; the Whisperer is buried in the monolith; the final piece Nancy needs is buried in the painting in Sinclair’s office; the answers to the quizzes are buried in the museum. So definite props for the first half of the tagline — which pretty much spells out the first half/three-fifths of the game.

But what about “catch a thief red-handed”?

There are indeed thieves afoot, and Nancy does catch them, in all fairness. She catches the “thief” that steals the Pacal carving and the thief looking to steal the secrets of the monolith. But the phrase “red-handed” is obviously a reference to the titular “Scarlet Hand” (as well as a recognizable aphorism in English), and therein lies the trouble.

The true secret — or mystery, if you like — in this game is what the “scarlet hand” means, and to figure that out, we have to first dive into the significance of a handprint.

Handprints are usually a signature or an identifier – we fingerprint everyone from felons to teachers, and so the primary use of the word “handprint”, whether literal or figurative is to denote a signature.

The word “signature” when involved with crime, however, takes on a slightly different meaning; a “signature” here is an identifying behavior or “quirk” that a criminal has that differentiates their crimes from other criminals’. The obvious corollary that follows from a criminal’s signature and the phrase “red-handed” is the metaphor of “blood on the hands”. All of these sayings mark a specific crime performed by a specific person.

Except that’s not the case here.

When Sinclair is mentioning the other thefts that have him “worried” about thefts at Beech Hill, the red handprint comes up here as a specific signature, seemingly appearing like clockwork when the Pacal carving is “stolen”. 

Except it’s not the same culprit at all. 

Like the culprit in Agatha Christie’s The ABC Murders committing three murders to conceal the only murder he had motive to commit, Henrik uses the red handprint as a smokescreen, trying to make it seem as if the theft is one of many (so it won’t be questioned) rather than an act of attempting to save the carving by stealing it first.

In this way, the handprint is a mask, serving to identify the culprit without actually identifying him at all. One of the greatest parts of the mystery/secret behind the game is that the handprint is a forgery, confusing the lines of proof just enough to make the player take a step back and think.

In the Introduction, I mentioned that Fate plays a big part in the overall plot of this game, and it’s here that fate really comes into its place of importance.

From the beginning, the Pacal carving is “fated” to be stolen, so much that when it happens it’s not really a surprise as much as a signal to the player that the introductory part of the game is over. 

It’s a joke both in- and out-of-universe that Nancy is fated to find mystery wherever she goes, which adds another nail in the pre-determined nature of her internship.

It’s the unchanging fate of secrets that leads Sinclair to bustle around attempting to stop any hint of his smuggling operation from getting out while at the same time watching Nancy carefully as she solves the mysteries and exposes the secrets that he needs to get his hands on the secret of the monolith.

Nothing shows the hand of fate more, however, than Sinclair not actually being caught by Nancy. The Poetic Trio reciting their end-of-game lyrics simply say that the villain is stewing in his own miscalculations, and, other than giving him the wrong "treasure”, Nancy has absolutely nothing to do with Sinclair being caught. 

Fate ultimately has more power than even Nancy in this game, leaving her not to “catch a thief red-handed”, but simply giving her the opportunity to “expose buried secrets”.

It’s a solid mystery from beginning to end, as Nancy tries to figure out how Sinclair could have pulled off the theft before realizing that it wasn’t Sinclair after all. Joanna and Alejandro do their best to muddy the waters and distract Nancy (and through Nancy, the player) just long enough to make the game feel like a true adventure.

The Suspects:

  Joanna Riggs is the first person you meet in the game in an opening cinematic meant to show off what the game engine could do and to tease us with a silhouette shot of Nancy.

She’s also the least-impactful character in the game, which should stand as a testament to how good this game is with its inclusion of characters into the plot. Joanna’s in charge, basically, and gives Nancy her go-fer tasks until the Pacal carving is stolen.

She’s supposed to be a bit “quirky”, with her non-sensical Latin and her whining to Nancy about how the only thing worse than a highly prized and expensive carving going missing is her mom leaking her prom photos onto the internet (a v weird thing to equate, honestly), but she’s also the most innocent of the bunch, as her only crimes are over-spending on an artifact that the museum really couldn’t afford, and having the worst taste in employees/business associates ever.

As a culprit, Joanna wouldn’t have been a bad pick — it’d be a basic case of theft-for-insurance-money — but she’s certainly the most boring option, so I’m glad that she’s got nothing to do with it. That kind of a crime really wouldn’t fit the Hardy-Boys-aesthetic that’s going on in SSH anyway.

Henrik Van Der Hune is the employee in charge of glyph translation and the man who apparently was the sexual awakening of quite a few of the Clue Crew. He’s also a recent addition to the staff after he heard of their new Mayan exhibition pieces, so I can’t for the life of me figure out why he wasn’t the immediate suspect for the police, especially since it’s his handprint.

Henrik did a bit of a National Treasure-level spoof on the cops, stealing the carving first so that it wouldn’t get stolen later. He orders the cinnabar to make the handprint in Joanna’s name (really Henrik?? Like you didn’t know it was Sinclair all along?? Why??) and pulls off a moderately daring heist, considering he works 50 feet down the hallway from the carving.

Of course, if this were to come to light, the game would be over with no real bad guy nor tension, so Henrik takes a fall down the Insanely Dangerous replica stairs and winds up with a bad case of the forgetsies. At 61 years old, he’s lucky he didn’t bust his hip.

Henrik is a culprit, but he’s not the culprit, which is good, because I’m not sure that HER had the time or space to tackle the moral issue of a thief who loses their memory and can’t technically be tried for a crime that they didn’t knowingly commit.

They definitely could have tried, but I don’t think it would have worked.

As a culprit, Henrik could have worked, but there’s just not enough time to have him fake-steal and then steal for real. It would have been cool to have him be faking amnesia and sneaking out of the hospital to Burgle…but it would have taken a more advanced game engine and a much longer game to pull it off.

Alejandro Del Rio is an ambassador who works at the Mexican Consulate and is the epitome of “just because you’re technically right doesn’t mean you’re actually correct”. 

While he’s right in that a ton of artifacts were stolen from Mexico (and other countries, but honestly he only cares about Mexican artifacts), but he’s incorrect in blaming Joanna and others like her, since those thefts didn’t happen in the number and scale that he’s referring to by 2002 (as opposed to, say, British archaeology in the early 20th century, as is touched on in TMB), and Joanna acquired the artifacts legally.

His cause is right, but blaming those who aren’t responsible does him no good — and can actually hurt him, as is the case in the game, where no one really takes him seriously.

He’s also an uptight, rather humorless character, but has a touch of Devilry about him (he’s not above blackmail, for example, or “trading information”) that makes him slightly different from Jeff Akers in DOG.

Alejandro’s biggest claim to fame is in fanfic, where, like in canon, he is Totally banging Joanna, and is apparently Very Physically Gifted. Good on you, Alejandro.

As a culprit, Alejandro would have been a rather hackneyed choice, as he’s the one who’d obviously steal the carving and monolith to transport it back to where it came from. It would also include giving him more to do in a game than setting up his Hate-FWB to take a call for something he, in all honesty, knew she didn’t do.

Taylor Sinclair is an art dealer with facial hair that’s sort of a grotesque work of art in and of itself, and also happens to be the culprit. He also has a CrimeFursona named “Big Bunny”, which is honestly enough to lock him up and throw away the key.

Sinclair is part of the black market and is looking to sell the carving and the secrets of the monolith in order to make it rich, which is a pretty standard motive, but is notable for including smuggling in a Nancy Drew game rather than a Hardy Boys novel, so that’s a point for him.

SSH is a howcatchem, so Sinclair’s real job in the game is to avoid leaving behind proof — and he does an excellent job. Granted, Henrik steals the Pacal carving before he can manage it, but until he shuts Nancy in the monolith and takes (what he thinks is) the treasure, there’s no piece of physical evidence to tie him to his crimes.

But, like all egotists, Sinclair’s failure comes because he just couldn’t resist being a cackling madman.

As a culprit, Sinclair’s perfect for this game. He’s slimy, untrustworthy, and pretty much everything you imagine a smuggler to be. He doesn’t really need any fleshing out beyond what he already has, because he lurks in the shadows for most of the game, only appearing when he has to in order to get information.

The Hardy Boys:

Honestly speaking, the Hardy Boys are the most important “innovation” of this game, and are the addition that really created the Nancy Drew games as we know and love them today.

Not only do the Hardy Boys establish that Nancy isn’t alone in this universe — that there are others her age out there like her, who solve mysteries and catch bad guys — but they also give the game regular phone friends who are established as capable of helping Nancy solve anything she asks for. 

This makes a lot more sense than Bess/George/Ned suddenly becoming Super Sleuths, and frees up Ned/Bess/George to offer help and have dialogue more appropriate to their increasingly-fleshed-out characters.

And that’s the real benefit to the Hardy Boys: they allow for varied characterization for Nancy’s friends. 

Before this game, Bess/George/Ned have all been indistinguishable from each other, possibly excepting Bess’ lame puns. From this game on, each reoccurring phone friend has their own personality, their own quirks, and their own areas of expertise.

Also, I adore the Hardy Boys (and have since I was small), so it’s great to see them semi-regularly. I love that sometimes you call them together, sometimes it’s one or the other, sometimes they appear in game…it’s really nice to have these characters to lean on and provide entertainment and freedom to the Nancy Drew world and formula.

On a final note, I don’t find it to be a coincidence that this is the first game with the Hardy Boys and that it’s also the most Hardy Boys-eque game so far (smuggling plots, false thefts, a suspect nearly dies and then decides to help out, the Hero Detective is trapped with no obvious means of escape, etc.). It’s a nice nod to the source material, and I appreciate it.

The Favorites:

I love the focus here on knowledge and on the quizzes as Nancy learns with the player. It’s one of the few games to truly be “edutainment” in the sense that it was meant back in the early 2000s, and I really do adore the pure and unbridled appreciation for learning in this game.

The puzzles in SSH are well-placed and make sense as part of the museum exhibit, allowing for the classic puzzles that Nancy Drew games (and players) know and love without having them feel kitschy or out of place.

Hands down my favorite thing in this game is how much characterization it features. Nancy’s in fine form, as are Bess and George, and the Hardy Boys, but even minor characters like Franklin Rose and Poppy Dada and Prudence Rutherford all have their own unique voices, problems, motivations, and secrets. 

The four suspects are well-introduced and fleshed out, and do things simply for their own reasons rather than attempting to sound suspicious for the developers’ sake. It’s a great trend, and one that continues to grow (despite a few misses) as the series goes on.

Hat-tip to the Hardy Boys again here. I’ve said really all I want to say, but it’d be lying to not include them in the list of my favorite things about this game.

Sonny Joon is a great little easter egg (albeit a retroactive easter egg) and I thoroughly enjoy his presence in the game. “Hurricane Sonny” blows in and sticks around for the rest of the series, and it’s a joy to experience.

The best puzzle in the game…I really enjoy the audio quiz thing, but I get how it wouldn’t be other people’s cuppa. I’m gonna go ahead and say that it’s figuring out how to get the last artifact from the Poppy Dada painting, as it requires you do jump through just the right amount of hoops, and gives you some hilarious conversations while you’re figuring it out.

The best moment in this game hands-down is when Prudence Rutherford insinuates that she killed her mother-in-law for the necklace. It’s hilarious.

The Un-Favorites:

There are, however, a few things about this game that make it into the least-favorite category.        

Collecting the packages with the different artifacts is almost wholly reliant on luck and patience, and it can be extremely annoying to have to go to sleep and wake up 4/5 times in a row before the final package arrives. As this would be an easy fix, it sticks out especially in my mind as being a pointlessly annoying thing.

Taylor Sinclair’s tie. No art dealer would wear that. It looks like a bottle of mustard and a placenta had a baby.

I do hate (as noted below in the Fix section) that you can only call certain people on certain phones. Phones don’t work that way — not even back in 2002 — and it is frustrating to have to travel back and forth or wait for morning to make a game-progressing phone call.

The worst puzzle in the game in my opinion is probably lugging the monolith stones around, because it really bothers me that if you take the shortest path, Nancy drops them, but if you take a slightly longer path, she’s totally fine. 

While I can see how the quizzes might cause some people problems, if you take notes like the game encourages you to do (I remember taking notes in a spiral notebook for the first…10 games, about? Until we moved to sticky notes, because as me and my sister got much older, we didn’t need to write down as much), the quizzes are a walk in the park.

The worst moment in the game (which is still a great moment, just definitely my least favorite) is when the sirens go off in the museum. It’s loud, obnoxious, and Joanna just APPEARING suddenly makes me jump every time. It’s a testament to how good this game is that this is the worst moment I can think of.

The Fix:

So what fixes does SSH need?

Honestly, not many.

It’d be great to simplify the phones, so that any person you can call on one phone you can call on any phone (avoid the travel back and forth from the hotel to the museum, in other words), and to have deadlines or exact moments for package delivery so that you’re not waiting days (in-game) for the last straggler to show up.

Other than those small quibbles, however, there’s not much that needs fixing or refreshing in SSH. It’s educational, entertaining, difficult enough on the first go-around to keep you on your feet, but not so hard that replay value is lost — and there are no puzzles so bad that they make the game lose replay value, either.

SSH is a great game, both as #6 in the series and as a first game to those who can’t access the Classic Games, and is a delight to play — both the first time and in replays.

[binkywinky]

hi! Comics rec anon here! to answer your question, I'm not entirely new to comics, have read a few but not enough to say I have a specific type. The first series I read was all the jessica jones comics which I really liked, also the miles morales series which i enjoyed and the spidergwen series which was cute but the art was kinda annoying lol. i also like a couple of dc ones like mister miracle. so i think i prefer a general rec from you since the comics world is so big. thanks in advance!

Got it. Hmm… let’s see. It’s probably easiest to break it down by publisher then. I’ll try to give a mix of ongoing, finished, and “classic” stories. 

Fair warning, I read a lot of comics (probably about 60 per month, and that’s not including manga), so even though this may feel like a long list, it’s short for me.

Marvel

Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man - Relatively new series, and it’s been fantastic so far. Great art, and a bit more grounded than the Amazing Spider-Man run (which is also great). Stellar art, too.

Miles Morales: Spider-Man - A little YA-ish at times, but overall enjoyable. You get to see a lot more of Miles’ personality in this one, which is always fun.

Superior Spider-Man - Because nothing is more fun than seeing a semi-reformed Otto Octavius try to be a hero.

Captain Marvel - Kelly Thompson does a phenomenal job with this series. She has a great hold of Carol’s voice. Would highly recommend Kelly Sue Deconnick and Margaret Stohl’s previous runs to give context (Captain Marvel 2012-2017, Mighty Captain Marvel, and The Life of Captain Marvel).

Jessica Jones - Not sure if you’ve read Kelly Thompson’s recent run or just Bendis’, but hers is definitely worth a read.

Avengers (2019) - actually a solid run. I would check this out if you’re more into crossover, large-scale storytelling. They’re in the middle of War of the Realms, though… so maybe wait until like August or September?

Immortal Hulk, Daredevil, and X-23 - also good. I read them off and on (not really my fave characters to read on their own, I enjoy them in ensembles), but the stories are solid.

Rogue & Gambit - mini series that I absolutely love by Kelly Thompson (she does great character work) that came out last year. Mr. & Mrs. X is a follow-up to it and also tons of fun (nearing its end as well). 

Runaways - I fell off of this when Brian K. Vaughn left, but I can say up through his run ended is well worth the read.

As far as classic stories, Infinity Gauntlet, The Dark Phoenix Saga, X-Men: Age of Apocalypse, Secret Invasion, and Secret Wars would be my first recommendations.

I would’ve recommended Spider-Gwen: Ghost Spider, but maybe wait on that. It’s about to end soon and transition to just Ghost Spider (where she leaves Earth-65 and comes to Earth-616 where Peter and Miles are). Same for X-Men. I’m currently reading Uncanny, but X-Men is about to be overhauled soon. So probably hold on that front.

DC/Vertigo

Honestly, not the biggest DC fan (I lean more towards Vertigo actually), but there are a few that I enjoy.

Action Comics (starting at #1000) - I am not a Superman fan, but I enjoy this series, which says a lot. I enjoy what Bendis is doing with him in this run.

Naomi - a new series, also by Bendis, following the story of a young Black girl who is investigating the circumstances around her adoption. Don’t want to give too much away, but probably my fave DC run at the moment. And Jamal Campbell’s art is fucking gorgeous.

Dial H for Hero - it’s fun. It’s weird. Not for everyone, but maybe give it a shot.

The Flash and Batman, New 52 runs - New 52 gets shit from fans a lot, but I thought these runs were awesome. Very good story-telling.

Dark Nights: Metal event - Probably one of the best things DC did in a long time. It’s a massive event that pretty much reworked the DC universe and all the characters. Enjoyed it immensely.

Heroes in Crisis - this miniseries ended very recently. It’s a story focused on a major event that happens at Sanctuary, a rehab for superheroes suffering from mental health issues (e.g. PTSD after doing something that nearly killed them). Not your usual superhero story, which I liked.

American Carnage - very gritty story focused on a white-passing Black man who infiltrates a white supremacist organization. It’s really fucking good.

High Level - I picked this book up randomly because the cover looked cool. I’ve been reading it ever since. I would say it’s weird sci-fi/fantasy/cyberpunk adventure. A little strong on the language, but very interesting story and great artwork.

Birds of Prey - awesome series with the DC women. A little shaky sometimes, but Gail Simone does really good character work. Her run is probably the only one I’d bother reading.

Deathbed - miniseries by Vertigo that ended maybe a year ago. It’s so bizarre and hilarious and out there. I loved it.

Batwoman (J.H. Williams run) and Batwoman: Rebirth - Kate Kane, my favorite lesbian superhero. Williams did a great job in his run (and the art is to die for). Don’t read the back half, they change writers and it’s a goddamn mess. But then Marguerite Bennett (a queer woman) picked it up in Rebirth, and it got awesome again. Also, shout-out to Greg Rucka for officially making her queerness canon in 52.

Wonder Woman - Wonder Woman’s my fave of DC main characters (along with Martian Manhunter and Wally West I & II), and my favorite run for her is Greg Rucka’s. He does a surprisingly good job of writing women. The run is over at the moment, but I’d check it out. Good stuff there.

For classic stories, Kingdom Come, Watchmen, Flashpoint (precursor to New 52), and Neil Gaiman’s Sandman are some of my faves.

Image

Image is probably what I read the most. Definitely has the most diverse pool of comics to choose from.

Saga - My favorite comic series of all-time. I’ve gotten so many people to read this and they love it. It’s weird - really weird, actually - but the storytelling is phenomenal. And it’s on hiatus right now, so plenty of time to get caught up.

Ice Cream Man - This series is so fucking weird, but I love it. It’s sorta like… Tales from the Crypt? Different stories (mostly horror) that all feature this demon ice cream man.

The Weatherman - This series is such a goddamn delight. I don’t want to ruin the plot but just… yeah. Read the first issue and it just goes crazy from there.

Man-Eaters - Sort of a niche story. Basically, this takes place in a society where when women get their cycle, they turn into giant cats and maul men, so they’ve given them pills to keep them from menstruating. Sounds weird? Wait until you read it. Probably a highlight series of the year for me. 

Black Science - You might not like the art in this one, but maybe give it a shot? These scientists are trying to solve the problem of limited resources on Earth by hopping across dimensions for new ones (infinite dimensions, infinite resources). Only problem is, their machine got damaged so now they hop uncontrollably to whatever dimension it chooses for however long it decides. It’s a wild ride.

Middlewest - An interesting take on parent/child relationships and how the consequences of abuse, anger, and depression can manifest in dangerous ways. Sounds more bleak than it is - the story actually has quite a bit of humor.

Excellence - Very new series, but with a PoC lead, about PoCs, with mostly PoC creators. A story about a secret society of Black magicians and a son whose next in line to take on the mantle, and it’s pretty fucking cool. Issue 2 comes out this week - check it out!

The Walking Dead - I don’t think I have to explain this one, do I? Zombies.

Lazarus and Lazarus: Risen - Sci-fi story set in a dystopian society where the world is ruled by like 15 or so families, and they each have a Lazarus to fight for them. This is told from the perspective of the Carlyle family’s Lazarus, Forever. 

Die - If Dungeons & Dragons and Jumanji had a baby, it would be this book. Sounds weird, but once you read it, you’ll find the description to be accurate.

Anything from Brian K. Vaughn - I have yet to read something from Brian K. Vaughn that I don’t like. Saga, Paper Girls, Y: The Last Man, Runaways, Barrier… his shit’s always good.

Independents / Not Marvel, DC, or Image

Some of these are nostalgia-based, so fair warning.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer (BOOM Studios) - very new series that’s out. Great art. If you were a fan of the show, I think you’ll like it. It’s a re-imagining of sorts. There’s also an Angel series that just started.

Nancy Drew (Dynamite) - Listen… I could not stand Nancy Drew as a kid. Never got into it and thought it was boring as hell. But I really loved this miniseries (another Kelly Thompson run). It’s maybe 5 issues?

Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers and Go Go Power Rangers (BOOM Studios) - Honest to God, if you had told me 3 years ago one of my fave comics would be a Power Rangers one, I would have laughed in your face. Both of these series are really good and provide the continuity, nuance, and characterization the show lacked. Fan of the show or not, I’d say it’s worth checking out if you enjoy the teenage superhero genre. Also, just some really amazing art and world-building.

Anything from Jinxworld - This is Bendis’ own publishing company. He’s put out Cover, Pearl, Scarlet, and United States vs. Murder, Inc. All of them are really good.

Umbrella Academy (Dark Horse) - This is the series the Netflix show is based off of. Right now, they’re doing Hotel Oblivion in the comics, but start with Apocalypse Suite and Dallas.

So, there you go anon. There are FAR more I would recommend, but I tried to give a good range of books for you to choose from without (hopefully) overwhelming you. And if you have any questions, I’m more than happy to talk about any of them.

[seenashwrite]

My Christmas Love

As promised, the following is a recap of a TV Christmas movie, but also the story of the near-meltdown of a woman (me) who got sucked into this ass-disaster of a film that was so stereotypical fanfic it had to be shared with all of you who are in my writing/reading sphere. To be sure, some folks will see it and go "Oh dammit! I wish I'd thought to write that with all the SPN characters!" and/or "Dammit! I wish someone had written that with all the SPN characters!" 

Consider this an intervention: No. Neither of the guys would be party to any of this, not even in some sort of hallucinogenic bewitched state, or curse-related fever dream, or in some sort of hunt-exhausted state, or even a drunken state, and above all they’d never be in love with this lead character. No. No.

All the TV Christmas movies are cliché and formulaic with very few exceptions, and while some are pretty out-of-the-realm in terms of plausibility, they all have a bit of heart-warming to them, and I can see how some folks get the feels, and that it all likely comes from a sense of familiarity, of nostalgia.

This movie lacks that - I cannot imagine any mature, dare I say intelligent, most certainly discerning person will re-visit this to get warm feels, or even to laugh (unless ripping on it with friends), ‘cause it ain’t funny. It is so stupid that I felt dumber for watching it. The plot is perhaps 30% of the problem: the main issue is that the lead character is near-intolerable. The only thing it has going for it is that there’s no precocious child.

But you'll recognize her. I did. I know this character well. So do you. At least, you know versions of her. This movie stars the amalgam of all the Y/Ns: Sweet Shmoop Huffy Flangst Edition that you’ve ever read in fanfics.

So if you have a good sense of humor and are packing a steel constitution (it’s a mighty thick pile of nope), get ready: I am dragging you down this shithole with me.

All right, settling in....

Hello, harbinger of doom.

Before we get too far into the weeds, the synopsis:

A hopeless romantic, who can't ever seem to give a guy a real chance, starts receiving each of the 12 Days of Christmas. As she tries to figure out who is sending the gifts, she begins to believe that the mystery suitor could finally live up to her expectations.

I hate this twat waffle already.

Real quick: if I told you that a movie is based upon - is critically dependent on - the poem/song about The Twelve Days of Christmas, what would your gut say the name might be? Or include? Or reference? The Twelve Days, right? Maybe just "Twelve Days" or "Twelve Days of ____" --> you know, something snappy that still infers it has to do with the poem/song. But nah, fuck all that. Let’s generic this shit up:

Not even “My Christmas Love Gave To Me”. 

This has a rating of 6.4/10 stars on IMDb and is about an hour and twenty minutes long which, if you do the math, equates to about a 2K fic that's gotten 600 notes, a fic that I'm sure is equally as enthralling and nuanced, with a mature, well-rounded female lead.

And are we clear that she’s a chick? With the heart and the butterfly and lipstick and other assorted girly sparkly glittery ornaments on the shiny white tree? And the neon pink styling of the title cards? Because romantic must = stereotypical princess-y? Can’t be, like, a gal mechanic and still be romantic?

Now’s a good time to let you know where you can legally and free of charge watch this movie in its entirety on Vimeo, and we can thank the director for this, though somehow I wonder what Hallmark would think since they (and other streaming services) are charging for it.

Here’s the direct link

Here’s how pumped he is:

Oh, Jeff.

Ah, pardon, Nancy Drew-apostrophe-s? Regardless... Nancy Drew?! Well hello fellow youths. And no way the woman who’s coming up is her little sister, older by a mile, the maturity discrepancy (and appearance) is obvi. So screw off, Jeff. Go figure out what Nancy’s “it” is. Because apostrophes are for possessives and to take the place of other letters when there is a contraction, what you meant to type was “Nancy Drew-s it”, and while I’m here, because you just seem the type, plurals DO NOT USE APOSTROPHES THEY NEVER HAVE AND NEVER WILL.

JEFF.

Okay. I’m fine. I’m calm. 

But back to Whyenne --- and just so you know, she *is* going to get called Whyenne through all this, but her name's Cynthia. I had to deal with a Cynthia in real life. She was a really sad, pathetic, lying, deceptive, wimpy, unoriginal, poor excuse for a person. So Whyenne it is, I ain't typing that other name over and over again. Besides.... is Whyenne.

Behold our first interaction with Whyenne, whose intelligence is communicated without words by her choice of wardrobe in snowy, cold winter:

Fuck that noise.

I hope she falls on her annoying face. She won't. But I can hope. IT'S CHRISTMAS AND CHRISTMAS IS ABOUT HOPE

Let me expound upon how stupid this is right now: as she walked, we clearly see icy-snowy-whatever all along the way, and here’s how people she’s passing by are attired:

Oh, Hana.

The lady who owns the bakery coffee place clues us in to what degree, on average, Whyenne's emotions are kept in check whilst in public, because once she orders what she wants the lady goes "Oh are you back on the market?"  Whyenne's like "No, I have a date".  Lady's like "Phew! 'Cause last time you ordered those.... well.... heh heh, nevermind!"

First thing Whyenne does is tell a nervous dude that the tag's still on his suit, he says thanks, she says all woo-eyed CAN I SEE THE RING because she just knoooooows he’s gearing up to pop the question and she has to inject herself into such a scenario somehow.

Intensity added for clarification.

Whyenne offers to give him her booth, saying it’ll be more romantic, because she is a romance guru WE MUST BE CLEAR ON THIS. Date arrives, cupcakes arrive, and he's like - "Usually people eat before dessert!" in a kidding way, and she says - "Well five month anniversary!" And he's like - "......" But he has a present for her, and she goes - "I was totally kidding about bringing up our five month anniversary!"

No, Whyenne. No, you weren't.

Now, seems Whyenne has roped this poor man into agreeing to two weeks with her whole family out of town at "the farm" (I don't know that we ever see an animal) for not just the holiday but for her older sister's wedding too. She says she wants to wait til Christmas, open it at the farm. Which is when he says he wants to talk to her, that he's not sure. 

Not sure about going to the farm, of course, she guesses. Nah, Whyenne. Nope nope nope. He goes - "About us."

And she goes -

She acts like a brat, dictionary definition of it, stomps to the stranger's table (where his girlfriend is now seated as well), tells them they're a beautiful couple apropos of nothing - gee way to potentially spoil the dude's proposal surprise, because that gal's gonna be like "Um, what was that about, do you know her?" - he'll be like "No, she just gave me this seat so we could be in a booth" - "But she has a date, too - why would she give a stranger her booth?" - "Uh" - "Why?" - "Uhhh" -"No really, why?"

Nice.

The answer to "why", of course, is Whyenne. Because she's an immature creature. And now she's making a scene when dude was perfectly calm and reasonable in both tone and words, stomping back over, snatching her cupcake, snatching his cupcake, then snatching the Christmas present he'd brought for her, because he wanted her to have it anyway, even though he wasn't going on the trip.

Notice I didn't say "break up". Because he wasn't necessarily breaking up with her, he was saying he didn't know about all the shit she was dragging him into after five months, and while yeah, this probably ain't gonna last, you never know until you have a grown-up conversation, which he seemed to be willing to have. Maybe he needed to say "I really like you and care about you, I just feel like we're moving too fast". But she'll never know.

My man has dodged a bullet like Neo.

We now meet best friend, he's playing b’ball and one of the other players calls him "delicate fingers". 'K. Then he says he has to take the phone call he gets because "It's my boss". Boom, next scene - he and Whyenne are then parked on her bed, he’s looking at her adoringly and he's all "Whaaaat's wrooooong" in a voice that says he is so used to this, it’s a routine he’s got down pat.

Sponsored by Invisalign.

She's like "Oh you know the drill - the farm my family the wedding" and then proceeds to shit on the gift he gave her - two very lovely, classy dove ornaments (possibly figurines). But they don't go sparkle so pfffffffft.

You are gonna think because of their stereotypical interactions - not because they stereotypical'd him up to an offensive degree in voice and intonation or by body language or by wardrobe, but by his OMG I love you girl you do no wrong let's talk about your dating life while I look at you with shiny eyes attitude - that we're gearing up for some clunky exposition about him being her gay best friend. He is not. He is so very much not. Not the gay, and not what I’d call her best friend - at least, how she treats him ain’t how I treat someone I consider a friend. We’ll get to that. My point is, you’ve seen this dynamic in TV/movies before, where super-girly chick has a gay male BFF who is totally into her, in an almost overbearing way, and the chick is sucking up the attention like a Hoover.

“If he can't handle me, what good is he right?” says Whyenne - "The right guy," not-gay-best-friend (NGBF) says sincerely, "is out there somewhere." Thanks, that's a real wham-dinger of an encouragement, never heard it before, do you write poetry 'cause stand back Browning and Keats.

Now comes our first plot *ding* about the parents, how her expectations are so high because her parents do ----dramatic pause delivered with great acting skill---- *did* such awesome romantic gooey shit for each other all the time.

MOM'S DEAD Y'ALL

We also find out this is the first Christmas since she died. We also find out that she and NGBF are a writer and illustrator, respectively, and that they are in the midst of fleshing out the most recent book. We also find out that he hasn't dated anyone in the past few years. We also find out that they're going to work on the book over the next two weeks because, oh yeah, he's gonna be her guest now that there's nobody better to take his place, he's Mr. Backup plan, and it is painfully obvious.

We are not even 10 minutes in.

A local cop pulls her over for shits and giggles just to say hi because he was her high school boyfriend. It is made crystal clear that he's a tool. And that he's still got a thing for her. At the house, she ditches NGBF and says “Go on inside!” which he is both in appearance and verbally uncomfortable doing - she ignores his feelings and insists he go on, then la-las off to the barn (where there are no animals) to see if her father is there. Because checking there after checking inside would make too much sense. She then allows NGBF to lug all their bags in, and we see him struggling with those, and with his easel - HE BROUGHT HIS EASEL - as well.

Some of you, as we speak, have already been picturing Castiel in the role of supportive friend/employee who is not gay, and Dean as the cop that pulls them over, and are thinking that Sam is somewhere on the horizon. Or some variation on that. And you're thinking "Whyenne isn't so bad! Nash is a bitch!" Depending on who you want yourself -- er, Whyenne -- to end up with, you may be wrong about all that.... except for the bitch part, spot-on assessment.

Whyenne is that bad, and I'll let her sister, Janet - who you'll imagine as Jody or Donna or Charlie, I suppose - explain. Upon hearing that NGBF is now her plus one for the wedding, she intuits that shit went down with Mr. Five-Months-In-And-Holy-Mother-You're-Thinking-I'm-Gonna-Ask-You-To-Marry-Me, asking "Did you drive him away?" and Whyenne goes  - "I do not drive men away, I have a very romantic nature that some men find-----"

NGBF: "Overwhelming?"

Janet: "Terrifying?"

Whyenne: "Intense."

During introductions to Roger, Janet's fiance, we learn that NGBF "is the illustrator on my Felicia Flowers books". She writes children's books about this little fairy or something. We find out later she's had 2 published so far and they are, naturally, a HUUUUUUGE success. NGBF is complimented by Roger on his artistic skill, to which he diverts the compliment to Whyenne, saying he doesn't know where Whyenne gets all her inspiration, to which Whyenne says "Write what you know", then without saying something kind in return to NGBF she immediately turns to Janet and starts a different line of conversation.

Write. What. You. Know. Because she's a sugar-sweet precious fairy princess. The ego on this broad. She thinks everyone should adore her, and is gobsmacked when people don't.

I hate her.

Now, Dad has a great deal on his plate, as does Janet - who still lives with him - with the wedding, not to mention the understandable sadness that is over them because of Mom's death. The wedding is taking place at the farm and Dad happens to be building an arch for the ceremony, amongst other duties, you know, all the stuff that goes with (a) hosting a bunch of people, and (b) being father of the bride, and with no spouse to pitch in. Whyenne, however, gives no fucks. She is all "Unh!" and bratty over the fact that the house isn't tricked out in Christmas decorations like it has been in the past.

Janet notes that they've had a lot on them, and maybe let's just skip the big fanfare this year. Just this once. Because decorations aren't the chief priority - and just this once, because it's not as if she'll be having a wedding next year, and because as time goes by, the pain of lost Mom will have eased a touch more and Dad will probs be starting to get back into festivities - but even then back the fuck off, let him take the lead, let him set the tone.

Is Whyenne mature enough to get this? Seeing as how she's a big-city author who's out there in the world and not back on the ol’ farm and is worldly and exposed to lots of people and points of view and therefore has developed social skills, such as the ability to read a room? More than that, seeing as how she loves her sister and her father very much and *nothing* about this particular Christmas is about her, she realizes it, and is going to serve as a support and not a stumbling block?

Nah.

"It's a long-standing tradition in our house and one that I intend to keep."

Same, NGBF. Same.

Their father enters and Whyenne exclaims "DADDY!"

::sighs:: 

Folks, only Southern gals get to refer to their fathers as "Daddy" once they're grown women, and even then it's preferable when in a sentence holding the phrase "Momma 'n Daddy 'n all them" to denote a specific group of people who are over yonder, probably on a porch. There can be exceptions, but are case-based and are few-and-far between. I don't make the rules.

"It wouldn't be Christmas without you!" he says sweetly.

"I know," replies Whyenne.

She knows.

Look at that body language.

We are 12 minutes in, y'all.

Whyenne points out that she was in the barn and that he is behind schedule. Janet points out that she is maid-of-honor, not wedding planner, and that they've got this. Whyenne points out that all she's saying is that her father is behind schedule. He "heh-hehs" and smiles it off.

What. A. Cunt. Muffin.

BUT A SUPER SWEET AND NUMMY AND SPARKLY ONE

It is made clear to Dad that NGBF and Whyenne are just friends, and awkwardly. Whyenne announces that they are now going to get a giant tree, Janet again tries to kindly dissuade, she shuts that down. Whilst picking out a wreath, they run into Grant, another high school boyfriend. It is again made clear that NGBF and Whyenne are just friends. Grant has held some good wreaths back for the less fortunate who may have to come last-minute when it's slim-pickings, and - of course - allows Whyenne to have her choice, because she's less fortunate. They both commend him, and Whyenne goes - "How did we ever break up? It's crazy!" and when she bends down to look in the reserve box, this is Grant's face:

Why did we break up?.... well, how long do you have?

The wreath-picking-out is a *thing*, she can’t simply just pick a nice one, she must smell them. They are all pine. Pine smells like pine. It only smells less pine when it’s dried out and officially dead. That’s how pine works. She picks one out - she actually *squeals* when she says "Awwww it's smells just like Chri[squeal]stmas!" Grant says - "You haven't changed a bit."  That is what I personally would shudder to hear, that I haven't evolved since high school, but Whyenne is delighted to hear this.

The next morning, we see Whyenne has baked and decorated three full sheets of gingerbread men, and is working on more, but tells Janet she's only been up "a few hours". Oh, bull-fucking-shit. But it had to be done because she found both the cookie jar and the "spare jar" empty. Who is the sentient taint writing this dreck?

Wait. Here we go. IT'S ON

Walking up to the door, we see someone carrying a cage. Whyenne answers the bell. A woman in old-timey Dickensian garb (cape, hat, etc.) presents a live partridge with a small cutting of a pear tree inside it.  The woman sings the first verse of the 12 Days, smiles, and walks away, climbs back into the car she came in and leaves, Whyenne calling after her, "Is this for me? Can I get a little more information? Do you have a business card?" --> this is the only time during this entire movie that I partially snickered when it was intended by the screenwriters/director, mainly because it was how an actual real person would act, and the actress delivered it well without being all cutesy baby voice spazzy hyper what-have-you. There’s a moment at the end, though, at “the reveal”, when I laughed so hard I ached and had tears in my eyes. We’ll get there.

So, NGBF approaches, asks who it's from - the tag simply reads "Merry Christmas to my one true love". Whyenne goes:

Then she says, "This is a Christmas mystery! It's a Christery!" NGBF looks at her adoringly. Fuckwits are so hot right now. Somewhere, Janet is hitting her knees and thanking the sweet lil' babby Jeebus that Whyenne is going to be too distracted to swath the house in Christmas vomit and meddle in her wedding plans.

Poor, naïve Janet.

Here's the thing: Whyenne has immediately assumed this is all for her. There are four other people in the house - Dad, Janet, Roger, and NGBF. I know that not all of those seem probable, but they are possible. Yet, no - must be for Whyenne. NGBF brings up this very point, says it could be Roger doing something sweet for Janet - nay, says Whyenne. Roger is "awkward", and an accountant, ergo couldn't possibly be doing this for her sister.

Montage of Christmas decorating. SKIP

It's mentioned that Whyenne killed one of their trees once - "In my defense, eight year olds don't know that Christmas trees can't drink eggnog." Is she mentally handicapped? What average child  - especially a rich white blonde one who, chances are great, attended a stellar school and clearly has/had very involved parents - above the age of maybe five doesn't know that plants drink water? Again, screenwriters (and fic writers): the dumb bunny shtick isn't cute, it's annoying, even when talking about childhood hijinks wherein the child should know better. I get it was an accident, but that's not a charming anecdote of an "oh anybody could've made that mistake" nature. It's the writers - for WHATEVER REASON - reinforcing how meddlesome and idiotic this person is, and there's giving your character faults - you should! - but then there's painting them to be too dumb to breathe.

They're up in the finished attic area and she's going through more decorations boxes, he's got the ol' easel set up, and they're brainstorming over what Felicia Flowers should do in the Christmas-themed story.... which apparently her publisher is cool with not being done, here at two weeks before Christmas... and none of her ideas are remotely original. Toys come alive at night, eh? Never have I ever heard such. She goes - "And tinsel! Tinsel has to be all over everything, that's really important, and blinking lights everywhere, it's going to be GORGEOUS".

No, Whyenne. No, it's not going to be gorgeous. Nobody likes tinsel. It's Christmas herpes. It gets all over, and it's messy, and it doesn't even look nice, and if you have pets they will absolutely (whether by oops or curiosity) ingest some of it, and you can kiss their digestive health goodbye - if it doesn't result in surgery, then get ready for constipation followed by blood-tinged spangled diarrhea.

IT'LL BE GORGEOUS

NGBF asks her to slow down a bit, and she goes "NO! I'm on a roll!" Copy that, you self-absorbed shitweasel. But he chuckles, grins, because this inconsiderate behavior is cute. She is an adorable ferret on poppers. Now Whyenne's opened a closet door and pulled out her mother's wedding dress, and is all blissed out looking in the mirror, and if this dress is 30-ish years old, I will eat tinsel and shit rainbows:

I’m not searching frame by frame for these primo screencaps btw, I am spoiled for choice.

Not a fucking chance. Also, it's not in a nice storage box, which is my expectation (I get movie doesn't have time to show her unsealing it from the professional jam that most brides who decide to keep their dresses have done), instead it just comes out of this attic side-storage pristine white, and - like I say - in a style that is *not* from the time frame it has to be from, in order for it to be their mom's given their ages (likely late twenties). 

Okay. So. She says she used to put it on when she was a little girl and imagine her "perfect wedding, perfect romance, perfect husband". I want to shake sense into her. She says she wants the kind of romance Mom and Dad had, how they did all these fun little romantic surprises for each other - she whispers this whole section of dialogue, by the way - and mentions they were married for 40 years. A-HA! I assure you: that dress was in no way from 1976 (this movie is 2 yrs old). Once more, kudos to the costume designer. This is the easy shit. Get the easy shit right, and the glaring stuff will be less irksome. Well. This whole movie is irksome. I mean all things being equal in a movie/story that's actually worth watching/reading because the characters have some redeemable qualities and you actually, you know, care about them.

She stops their work cold and NGBF has a *blink-blink* reaction. "I gave you a lot of stuff to work on," Whyenne says, ditching him  - because she wants to show Janet the dress, because "Janet will love this!" because clearly Janet’s never seen it before, having grown up in the same house as Whyenne and being that she currently lives in said house. I met Janet about 20 minutes ago and *I* know she's not going to love this. Indeed, Janet says she got a sensible dress that she can wear again, and Whyenne's all "You bought it without me there to advise you?" in a mousy voice. Because, never forget: this wedding is about Whyenne and what Whyenne wants.

She proceeds to pressure Janet about Mom's dress, saying (re: Janet's sensible choice) that wedding dresses aren't supposed to be worn again they're supposed to be worn once, and Janet's like - "Well, Mom wore it, so there you go".  Whyenne goes for the jugular, saying  "Wow. If she could hear you say that...." Then YOU fucking wear it, you harpy. Oh, wait. You can't. Because no one can tolerate your bullshit ideals, the "perfection" they can never live up to. You are so grating, you could shred all the cheese in this flick.

Janet finally goes - "I'm not gonna wear Mom's dress, because I'm not ready". Whyenne says - "C'mere, I understand, I think you should think about it, it's really pretty" and pulls her into a heartily reciprocated, supes comfortable-looking embrace:

And by “embrace”, I mean “chokehold”.

Janet is saved by the doorbell. If you guessed two turtle doves are on the other side, then winner winner chicken.... dove .... dinner! Stupid exchange of unfunny dialogue about why called turtle ensues. And Whyenne decides to drag Dad to the pet store so they can get birdseed and ask this small-town shopkeep who ordered these exotic birds, because, sure. Dad's like - How come you didn't bring NGBF? Whyenne explains they've got a big deadline, and he's working on the book. You know, the one for which she's the writer. 

Pet store lady is macking on Dad and in a way obvious manner, it's uncomfortable to watch, and he's uncomfortable, too. Once again, Dad expresses he's not particularly into something - this time the town's Christmas carnival festival hootenanny whatever - but Tool Cop, who's inexplicably shown up at the pet store, forces tickets on him, says it'll hurt his feelings if he/they don't come. Weird shop lady infers sleazily that she wants Dad to come so she can mack on him more. Whyenne says to Tool Cop that he is very thoughtful and purses her lips. Dad's really jazzed about it:

You can always suffocate yourself with that sack o’ seed, my man.

So creepy pet store woman tells Whyenne exactly what any person with more than 2 brain cells would already know, that she only carries parakeets and such because this is a small town, that Whyenne should check out the Big City pet places. Whyenne then googles - which she should have done in the first place - and finds out that only a handful of places have permits that allow them to sell these birds, but bonus! There's some elite service that will set up elaborate gifts and... and... I don't know, I have no idea what this is, perhaps because I am not wealthy. Anyway, for reasons unknown, Whyenne has called and told them that she and NGBF are from state wildlife services and they need to follow-up on a missing permit, and the manager at the joint sniffs them out right away, because Whyenne is a fucking dimbulb.

He shuts them down, saying he doesn't know what the wildlife services has to do with a matter such as this, but regardless, they'd need a subpoena because part of their service is complete confidentiality. He does say that the account they asked about was particularly insistent on secrecy but that there is a letter coming at the end of gig that "will explain everything". Whyenne's like - There's a letter?!?!  Yes, were you dropped on your head as a baby? OF COURSE there's gonna be something on day 12 that ponies up who the sender was, what did you think, that this would go down with nobody taking credit? She then goes into brat mode, takes extra candy from the specialty place's dish with flourish and a sassy look to the manager, whose expression is like “Wha....”

NOTHING SHE DOES IS CUTE OR CHARMING it is *bizarre*

We are just at the half-hour mark, I want to shove a fork in my brain to break up the stupidity calcifications that must be building

They make a point of showing you that NGBF is sketching out the 12 days gifts. Again, the movie wants you to remember: Tool Cop has been painted as moony over her and largely clueless about her not being interested; Janet and Roger purportedly aren't the romantic types; Mom and Dad had a perfectly-perfect romance; NGBF seems to think she farts sunshine.

The three French hens arrived and are barely shown, and then the four calling birds are mechanical. Janet asks that she shut them off. Janet also says that she needs to get on with finding who is sending this stuff, and ask them to make it stop. I love Janet. I care more about Janet than her sister does - I get that all this stuff is taking up room in the house on top of all the Christmas shit that nobody wanted, and has put more burden on Dad with having to take care of these damn animals - who are still being kept in tiny cages, by the way, and who likely need specialty food, by the way - when they’re trying to keep things in order and get the rest of the shit done for the wedding.

This is actual dialogue that was written and said -

Whyenne: Why would I want this to stop? It's the greatest romantic mystery since the Bermuda Triangle

Janet: How is that romantic?

Whyenne: Hello!? Bermuda!

Janet points out that this whole thing is strange. Janet is right. You'll find that Janet is right for the entirety of this fiasco. Janet has sense, and you will also find that she is guilted over it, borderline-bullied over it, this sense-having trait of hers, and nobody gives a shit about her feelings on her own goddamn life and wedding, and by more than Whyenne. We'll get to that.

Whyenne thinks it's Grant from the wreath scene, because "did you see how excited he was to see me and he was totally flirting with me and he's so romantic and he loves Christmas!" and blah blah blah, she goes for coffee with him, brings along signed copies of her Fuckety Fairy Flowers book for his niece. She does this whispering, tongue to her teeth, clicking off the end letter of every word sharply, dragging out "s"-es thing when she's trying to seem all sultry - I guess? - that I can only try to describe, I hope I've painted the picture enough for you, I cannot *express* how off-putting it is.

Meanwhile Tool Cop stops by the barn where NGBF is currently - AND MAKE SURE YOU NOTICE THIS, YET ANOTHER CLOSE-UP OF YE OLDE EASEL! - sketching the 12 days gifts again. Tool Cop is informed that Whyenne is out with Grant and why, and he snickers. Back at the coffee shop - surprise! Grant's a priest now. 

See, Whyenne, what this means is there's a man who was not flirting with you and is not interested in you.  #Jeebus saves   The scene ends with her shoving a pastry in her maw, because it’s also cute when women with Hollywood bodies are all about eating everything.

Back at the farm where we've yet to see an animal beyond the new birds - next day? I forget - after she shows Janet the five golden rings which have just arrived and presents them by singing that verse loudly, Janet goes - They're not your size. And they're probably fake. And don't sing.

I love Janet. I love Janet hard.

Whyenne tells NGBF and Janet that she thinks it's the most recent ex, Mr. Only Five Months, because he knew she would be at the farm on those dates, that all the "I'm not sure" jazz and not coming with her and the the bird figurines was a fake out... does she think all 12 days are about birds? Anyhow, her audience is skeptical, and NGBF is like "Really?"

Whyenne, in a very petulant teen manner goes, "Um, yeeeeaaa-uuuuuh":

I. Hate. Her.

Once more, Whyenne goes to the big city - we know this because our intrepid director keeps showing the goddamn small town sign to-and-fro, because she can't just be there in the next scene, after having her say she’s gonna go see him in the prior scene - and she shows up at his apartment unannounced, and is like "I got your presents tee-hee”. And of course there's a chick there and Whyenne goes:

Fa-la-la-la-fuck you.

I desperately wish it was a shirtless, muscled greased-up dude instead. But writing-wise, why did they do this? The inference is that Mr. Only Five Months had a piece on the side, or at least had one waiting in the wings - it has been but a handful of days since they took the train to Donesville, and this paints him in a really bad light, and it was unnecessary. Why couldn't she see beyond him that he had a bunch of people over, and then he steps out into the hall and is like - I have no idea what you're talking about - and then one of the people, a chick, comes to the door and says - Are you ready, we're about to start the movie - and have her touch him on the arm in an affectionate way, and have her look Whyenne up-and-down like - Move it, sister. You gave this up. Hit the bricks.

Whatever.

Following our standard road sign interlude, we're back at the farm, and hey, guess what? Whyenne's being a pouty snot while other people are getting things done:

Extra marshmallows for Whyenne courtesy of NGBF, who leans in close and asks - Wanna talk about it? Whyenne replies - No, I feel like such an idiot, I'm tired of chasing my own tail - she's decided she'll just wait for the letter to get her answer.

Dear lord, a ray of sense - but don't get excited, we still got about an hour left.

Janet says to Whyenne that it's obvious who the one true love is, the answer is right in front of her face. Speaking of faces, here's NGBF's reaction after he goes, "It is?!?!!?":

Then Janet adds - It's Tool Cop!

Let's follow up with NGBF:

Bom-bom-bah-dah... waaaaah

This is way out of Tool Cop's league, insists Whyenne. Trust her, she says. The backup plan sits next to her and she lays her head on his shoulder and he leans his head on hers. Awwwwwww-----[hack] [gag] ‘Scuse me, that slipped out.

I call this piece Pathetic At Dusk.

Next day: a pillow fight has started, and here's where I'm going to give props to... well, Props, and to Set Design, this is actually pretty creative. The six geese-a-layin'? They're nicely designed appliques sewn on these big rectangular floor and couch pillows - for laying down upon. Very witty.

Janet walks in on the phone talking business, and they of course throw one at her, because adults. To Janet's credit, she nails Whyenne back. Dad joins in. They all pile on NGBF, which I see as a metaphor. 

Whyenne and NGBF are shopping on main street in lil' town. For no reason whatsoever, there’s a line where Whyenne calls the candy butterscotch "butterscot", which NGBF finds adorable. Because stupid is a quality in women that is desirable.

I’m not gonna make it. I’m not. There’s not enough wine in this house.

Convo on a bench where oblivious Whyenne is now asking NGBF's thoughts on if it's Tool Cop, and she's now saying - Oh he is cute and I mean we were high school sweethearts, and wow what if we got together after all these years apart, etc. NGBF - in a moment I love - actually says "Meh." Then Whyenne goes - "It's not *you* sending the presents, right?" Says NGBF:

"You caught me." Then she laughs. Then he goes, more seriously in tone  - "No, it's not." [pause]  "Why would I do tha----"

[interrupted by Whyenne] "I think I'm gonna call Tool Cop. Jus', you know. Call."

::sigh::

The swans are Seven Swans brand champagne. Dad makes a toast that Mom used to make. Cheers. Great. Awesomesauce. Moving on. Out in the barn with NGBF as they're moving the fat hens - still in this tiny plywood cage - Whyenne sing-songs "Tool Cop's gonna take me out tonight!" - so she's ditching the work-on-the-book plans they had, but she's so sorry! Oh, that makes it all better. In the barn,  I see a copious amount of gas canisters, a wagon wheel, vintage ice skates, a hanging chain (hello), a quilt (???) and some horse tack, though I continue to see no horses. Oh, and the floor is *tiled*. Why are we calling this a farm, again?

They open the crate to give the hens water, not eggnog, and the hens - demonstrating they are more intelligent than I am for sticking with this hot mess - make a run for it. Our dynamic protagonist launches into a run to catch them. Because of the shittily done cut-a-way, we see what’s obviously a stunt foot execute a smooth fake trip-----

No. No, it's not.

-----and whaddya know, this happens:

"Hi," she says in baby voice.

"Hi," he says back in breathy voice.

JFC, I'd take an annoying precocious child at this point.

Whilst Whyenne is upstairs Whyenne'ing it up for her date, NGBF and Dad are snacking and playing chess. Dad mentions he and dead Mom used to play every night, then Dad asks him if he wants some strategy advice, but - nudge, nudge - he ain't talking 'bout chess! He advises "Make a move". Dad actor is the best thing this garbage has going with it, he's got actual screen presence and talent. Anyway, he checks NGBF's mate, and NGBF is like - Well, make the wrong move and you lose-----

Again, you and your poetry, NGBF.

-----and Dad goes - But the point is at least you tried.

WHAT EVER COULD THIS ALL MEAN

Whyenne comes downstairs, they tell her how great she looks. Let us again tip our hats to the costume supervisor, or perhaps it's ol' Jeff insisting she be in either impossibly high heels or go-go boots, along with a skirt with a length appropriate for toddlers, in fucking godforsaken icy, snowy December, you absolute objectifying taintlickers:

She is bare-assing it when she sits down, hundred percent.

Whyenne invites NGBF to tell her why he thinks it's not Tool Cop. He says she spent the first part of all this talking about how they were so different and that it couldn't be him, and now she's done a 180 - Whyenne's making all these faces (I'm not screencapping them) and going "Unh! Why are you doing this, I'm about to go on a daaaate!" - he's like "I care about you and I think you deserve more than a bunch of clichés" - she's all "Well people change so maybe Tool Cop's different". And here he gives good advice: She keeps getting hurt over and over and maybe it's time for her to slow down. She walks away, saying over her shoulder - "I'm a big girl." Welp, she got the "girl" part right.

Doorbell rings, and it's a trio in Dickensian get-ups singing "Deck The Halls" and there's Tool Cop in the middle with some roses. He's got a beautiful smile and is waaaaay cuter than NGBF. "Flowers!" she exclaims. Then she turns to NGBF and asks him to put 'em in some eggnog for her. (No she doesn't, but I can dream.)

At the restaurant, there are these huge, nasty, gooey, copiously-frosted cupcakes on their plates. I have to assume they've already eaten. None of this matters. They briefly talk about him being a cop in the little sleepy town, and whoops, look at the time, we gotta get this back to being about Whyenne and Whyenne's feelings and Whyenne's desires. She goes "I can't believe you remembered I love cupcakes! I didn't know you knew me that well!" Holy moses, they've known each other since they were kids and besides, throw a rock and you'll hit somebody who likes cupcakes, this ain't something super-unique to you, Princess. Whyenne mentions between this, and the singers, and the gifts---

The gifts? he repeats.

----she's blown away, and that he's made her feel pretty special. She then whispers "You're the best", and romantically - AND THIS IS ROMANTIC, IT MUST BE, BECAUSE AS ESTABLISHED WHYENNE IS GURU OF ROMANCE - does this:

Ah, nothing like a wrist grab wherein he has to awkwardly clutch your forearm to convey how tingly you are in your no-no places.

We now switch back to NGBF who is sketching her like one of his French girls, except she's not nekkid Kate Winslet, it's just a pencil sketch of someone, because it's not Whyenne, because it looks nothing like her, or it could be her if his goal was to age her to about 50. He got the microscopic upper lip right, though. Yeah, you heard me. And he's in the living room, in the fucking dark, sketching by the lights on the tree I guess, so it catches his eye when they pull in because that's how headlights do down here on the farm.

Outside on the sidewalk, Whyenne is in a floofy romance cloud. "It's you isn't it," she whispers to Tool Cop, "you're the one behind all this, you're my true love."

WHY ARE YOU WHISPERING, HE ISN'T WHISPERING, YOU'RE THE ONLY TWO PEOPLE ON THE SIDEWALK, WHY ARE YOU WHISPERING YOU INSIPID BITCH

She says this trip has been perfect - Not quite yet, says Tool Cop - and they smooch - and of course NGBF is watching through the window, which isn't inappropriate and invasive of your friend's privacy at all, nope, not in the least. #classy  Next day: another close-up shot of him sketching out the 12 days gifts. Because you get what these super-clever screenwriters are wanting you to think, right? 

That it's not Tool Cop sending Whyenne all this shit, but that it's NGBF who is sending, even though he was never supposed to be there in the first place, we won't even discuss the fact that there's no way either of them could afford this on their respective salaries. You know where this is going, right? I bet you do. I'd understand if you didn't, because this is so poorly written and a more adept writer could've left you better subconscious breadcrumbs along the way, so legit, don't beat yourself up if you haven't guessed by now. (I have included their "clues" in this recap, btw.) But! Let us not forget fiance Roger, who theoretically *could* afford such - we're coming back to this possibility in mere moments.

Next day: eight ladies are costumed and in the foyer and have eight metal buckets full of milk in their hands whilst doing some sort of stiff choreography. Whyenne squeals out "Oh my gosh, eight maids-a-milking!" Technically, eight maids-a-sloshin’ if they aren’t careful.

Janet goes - "Is that milk raw? Yeah, you can take that with you when you go."

Behold, 'tis Janet, the best part of the movie. Janet is my Y/N. Janet is me.

Janet then goes to check on Roger, who is in a side den area, and brings him some tea, asks what he's up to. He's like uh uh stutter fluster shuffle - Just some paperwork! And she spots a bridal magazine and is shocked - he's all WAIT! - and she's all - Is THIS what you want our wedding to be like? 'Cause, see, they agreed a long time ago that they wanted an elegant, streamlined ceremony. But Roger says that this is a once-in-a-lifetime event.

My nerd ain't seen divorce stats, has he?

Janet chills a bit, and reminds him how her parents "used to do extravagant things for each other every day" --- every DAY?! thinks Nash, thinks all of us --- and says now that Mom's gone, there's this huge hole in Dad's life, then there's Whyenne who's been chasing romance her whole life, and look where that's gotten her, and that it is so much better to keep things simple, because the wedding is just the first day of their marriage, it isn't the whole thing, what's important is that they are together, it's not about the party aspect of it.

Janet. Is. Gold. Janet is a grown-up. Janet is wise. Janet is right. I want to watch a movie with Janet, I don't even care what the plot is, as long as it isn't for the purpose of changing her learned, considered beliefs.

Roger smiles, Janet smiles, and then she's like - Okay hand 'em over, and he pulls out three more mags, and it’s a sweet scene. Then we pan and see Whyenne has been eavesdropping outside the room with some killer semi-pout, dolly-dead-eye emote action. We cut to the barn - still no animals on the farm! and no crops! not a tree farm! nothing happening! - and NGBF is on the tiled entryway to said barn (y'know, as barns have) splitting wood....  Wha....? And what about his delicate fingers?

Tool Cop strolls into frame with more flowers, natch, and strikes up a convo, asking if he has any advice for him, since he's NGBF. And the answer is a snappy-snippy "Why should I help you?" And Tool Cop is like - Well we both care about her, so we want her to be happy, right? So he gives advice, then later we see him standing with Dad watching them leave, and Dad goes - I heard you gave advice. NGBF says - Yeah. Dad says - "Man, you're just all-day-dumb, aren't ya?" I want my Janet movie to include snarky Dad.

The date is at the community center, and it appears to be old folk dance night, but he calls it a Christmas cotillion. This is the second time there's been a Michael Buble backing track. May not be him, but it's Buble-esque. The hook - and I presume the title of the song, I can't be bothered to look it up - is My Christmas Love. My stars, have we solved the Christery of the stupid title of this flick? Once more, none of this matters, and the scene lasts too long, so we're moving on. Well, 'cept to pause so you can make a note in your How To Romance According To Whyenne journal: be sure to bite your lip because it's supes sexy, and if you're doing it right, you should resemble a squirrel or chipmunk or beaver:

Fanfic writers: *Sear* this image into your minds, so that you see it every time you write - Y/N bit her lip and he moaned, telling her how that turns him on.

Next day, back to the finished attic area, and Whyenne is leaning on a pool cue (sigh) whilst NGBF is pocketing a ball, and she's all "Unnnnnggghh I can't get OVER what a gentleman Tool Cop is and he's not even the same person he's just so mature and he's great!"

NGBF goes - Uh-huh, and the gifts, too, right? He sent you the gifts? Whyenne's all - What? Oh yeah, of course. And NGBF is like -  He said that? He actually said that he was the one sending the presents? - We talked about it! she insists And that he said she's his true love, so it's implied, so....

NGBF laughs in her face. I mean, not right in her face, but he doesn't squelch it, and while it's not over-the-top, my point is he laughs at her stupidity, and this time her *willful* stupidity.  "Well that's super," he says, and I have not liked NGBF this entire movie, but I'm starting to warm up to him. In any event, in her sweetest voice, Whyenne goes - There's something I have to ask you, I was wondering if it was okay with you Tool Cop took me to the wedding because with all the presents and the romance - and I quote - "I feel like it's appropriate that he takes me".

Because your feelings are all that matters. Bitch, Tool Cop isn't taking you to anything. This is your sister's wedding - he will be *your* guest. And also? You drug your supposed best friend out to East Bumfuck for this so you wouldn't be going stag - quelle horreur! - and what's "appropriate" is to follow through with that commitment. If Tool Cop's your true love, he'll get it. This was planned before he hit the scene. If Janet wants to invite Tool Cop, that's up to her, but you don't ignore your best friend regardless. Whyenne, you're a putz.

We are now on the ninth day, and here in the foyer are nine ladies dancing, and Janet and Dad and Roger are grinning a mile wide, and Whyenne rushes in (with NGBF sluggin' it at her heels) just as their routine ends. "Can you do it again?" she asks in a breathy, baby voice that makes me want to drive my fist through the monitor.

But ah, what's this?! WILD CARD! There amongst the troupe is NGBF's old college girlfriend Maggie, and they are genuinely surprised and excited to see each other, and it's not uncomfortable, as these two have more chemistry in under a minute than he's had with Whyenne this whole time.  "Maggie!" he exclaims - "Maggie?" Whyenne repeats weakly.

Double screencap - these are her expressions at their happy embrace (which, it should be noted, visually demonstrates consent on both parts, and is not a chokehold):

Is that second one a reverse pout? Like, I don't... she... what *is* that? Whatever it was, it devolved into a shrug, as in "Whatevs. I'm cool with this. Don't I look cool with this? I'M TOTES COOL WITH THIS."

When NGBF introduces Whyenne, Maggie goes - Oh, girlfriend? And THIS TIME it's HIS turn to be all over-the-top insistent that No, nah, nope, nuh-unh, no no no no no, just friends, actually she's technically my boss. Whyenne is stoked... no not really, Whyenne is envious and sneery:

These shots are moments apart - shout-out to hair & make-up for taming those fly-a-ways and remembering to highlight her face, as well as shouting-out lighting for just guessing at what they’d done prior. This scene was clearly shot at 2 different times, is my point. Because no one on this movie can apparently see the whole picture. This caption is long.  

She no longer has her punching bag’s full attention. Good. I hate her.

Maggie is lovely. She has sweet eyes and a sparkling smile and an upper lip that does not sneer. Maggie stays after the rest of the troupe heads out, and we see her and NGBF catching up on the sofa, and pan to the kitchen, where we see Dad and Whyenne sitting at the counter sipping on wine, Dad reading the paper and Whyenne shooting daggers with her hypocrite eyes.  She tells Dad she thinks it's weird that NGBF is taking Maggie to the carnival tomorrow since neither of them are from that town.

Says Dad:

And he also says that there's no residency requirement. And also that he understands how she must feel, seeing someone she's interested in carrying on with an old flame. Whyenne is not paying attention, rather chooses to do this:

Ho-lee shitsnacks. That is a grown-ass woman chewing on her hair, right there.

She. Is. Chewing. On. Her. Hair.

By the way - this is one of those ingrained habits of people, like biting nails, which are incredibly hard to break (it’s do-able! but hard), meaning that because we were with her over 12 days, we should have seen her do this before, at least one or twice more, because otherwise this is yet another cheap gag to paint her as cutesy and girly and adorbs, AND IT’S NOT - it’s a nasty habit not unlike the aforementioned biting nails, and picking zits, and gnawing on lower lips, which - in order - can mean hair boluses scritching through intestines likely causing nicks not to mention impaction; can mean nasty infections because staph likes to hang out on skin and our mouths are full of mouth-unique bacteria; hello again staph and cystic spots and tunneled blackheads; and finally cracked, peeling, likely occasionally ulcerated bottom lips.

STOP IT

Then Dad turns Snark!Dad again and goes "Hey!" She stops chewing and looks - he holds up three fingers, asks her how many she sees - Wha? - How many? - Huh? - How. Many. - Three - Good, I was worried that you couldn't see what's right in front of your face. Damn, Daddy.

Next day, the carnival thing. Whyenne and Tool Cop, and NGBF and Maggie are walking down the street and Whyenne comments that she loves this, but hates she has to miss the 10 lords leaping. We cut to the farm, and one of them is pounding on the door, annoyed, while the rest are practicing and leaping in the background. I have no idea where Dad is, I have to assume we'll find out. Meanwhile, Roger's at a dart booth which is being run by Father Grant, who - after Rog misses an easy shot - says he seems distracted, and Roger asks if keeping something from someone is the same as lying. The padre says, accurately, that it depends on the reason - Roger says it's for a surprise but he has the feeling it's going to backfire on him. Padre says have faith or some shit.

Speaking of holy shit, HOLY SHIT:

Is she trying to be intimidating? Or sexy? I genuinely have not the first clue.  

When reached for comment, NGBF said:

Now, here's why Maggie is good people, and will absolutely be starring in the Janet movie, along with Janet and Dad - she rolls her eyes good-naturedly, and pulls NGBF's arm up onto her shoulders. He's like - Whaaaat are you doing? And she's all - I'm playing along, it's kinda fun. And he goes - Whaaaa? And Maggie's like - Dude, we go way back. I know that look. I can see you dig her, and bee-tee-dubs I think it's working, I think she's jealous. 'K. That's generous of you, Maggie, because I’d phrase it as a spoiled brat who's sulking:

Can da widdle bebe take her dwink? Pwease? Mmmm yummy coffee.

That is a grown-ass woman pouting.

That. Is. A. Grown. Ass. Woman. Pouting.

WHO LIKES THIS PERSON? WHO LIKES ANYONE EVEN SIMILAR TO THIS PERSON?!

There is nothing endearing about this character, on god, I have never seen such in my many years of reading and watching things. There is even something redeemable, something - however small - to empathize with in villains, for fucknoodley sake. NOTHING about this character is appealing on any level. She is shallow as a kiddie pool. The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead. And she's a self-absorbed cuntface, maybe even clinically narcissistic. WHY is there a story about this character?

[slight panting] [flushed neck] [narrowed eyes]

[forces deep breath] [fans self] [closes eyes]

Your noble recapper needs a time out. Please enjoy these glitter dividers, as it's what Whyenne would want. And what Whyenne wants is most important to the story, so it is what is most important to this recap.

That is a lie.

At the end of this, I'm going to fix this story and tell you what it ought to have been, and it would've been wonderful. You'll agree with me. I know you will.

And Writers & Readers alike, I've held back for three years, but you best believe there's also gonna be a lecture at the end on your Y/Ns, as well as a strongly-worded encouragement to readers to choose your reading material more wisely, so as not to encourage the disease to continue to run rampant.

WHYENNE IS DISEASE

I'll be right back.

While shitty music plays, we get a nice, centered shot of Dad - hey! there he is! - standing by himself somewhere at the carnival, people-watching, a resting semi-smile on his face even though he really would rather be back at the farm with no animals 'cept unwanted exotic birds, likely working on stuff for Janet's wedding. #bless  See, I have more feels for this dude in what has been maybe, what, ten or twelve minutes total screen time? Because the mediocre older white men writers actually gave this older white man's character development consideration, were thoughtful about how he was presented. We're going to come back around to this later, juuuuust you wait. They aren't done with him, not by a long shot.

And oh look, it's pushy pet store broad and she's approached, saying someone looks like they need a Christmas cookie, and now he'll feel obligated to eat it. No, see, the man doesn't need goddamn cookies nor does he need you being pushy, Pushy, what he needs is Dead Mom. He knows he can't have Dead Mom. So he's bummed. But he's not wallowing, he's not become a recluse, he's not holed up somewhere sucking down a liquor store, so all y'all leave him the fuck alone and let him set the tone and the pace. But nah.

I will admit that Pushy's less HEY I'D LET YOU BONE ME this time, she's more conversational, but when she asks if he's sticking around for the dance portion of the carnival (???) and he says he's not up for much of this stuff now-a-days, and Pushy goes - You're not doing anybody any favors staying cooped up at the house all the time----

PARDON, I THINK YOU MEANT "THE FARM"

----and he's like - Well, I'm staying busy getting Janet married off (appreciate that turn of phrase, screenwriters, you out-of-touch cro magnons), and she's all - Okay, then I look forward to seeing more of you in the spring. He smiles, she smiles, he walks away. This is acceptable to me, Pushy just downgraded to Semi-Pushy. The screenwriters continue to not exactly knock it out of the park with the wimmins, and in another story where Whyenne wasn't such a horrific portrayal (yes, writing, but acting too, though I don't know *what* actress could've made what they had to work with any better), then this lady and Janet would more than make up for it. Not gonna go too far down that road just yet, that's for my I Expect This Out Of Mediocre Older White Men, But I Expect More Out Of My Fellow Women Fanfic Writers 101 lecture later.

In any event, now we go to the farm where we once more find Whyenne and Tool Cop having a Moment on the sidewalk leading up to the store. She's all - this trip has been such a dream, and he goes - Yeah, it's been super fun, and she's like - SUPER FUN.

Super.

Can we move this along? We still got 25 minutes, 11 pipers, 12 drummers, a reveal of the sender, and a wedding for this corpse of a story to cover. [claps hands] Let's-a-go!

The Moment turns weird when their chit-chat trails off, and Whyenne all the sudden goes - So I'm tired, and he's like - Oh! Yeah - and then she hugs him, but no kiss, she reiterates "So fun!" and tells him to drive safe. He looks at her, still all moonpied, over his shoulder as he goes.

You done, son.

She opens the door and BOOM, here's what she's immediately greeted with:

Have the lambs stopped screaming, Clarice?

Wha.... I.... was he given a spare key? Is Janet home? I mean, okay. But this is creepy as fuuuuuck. And Whyenne goes (but in a slightly sing-song, well-I-do-declare tone) - Are you spyyying on me? To his credit, he recognizes he is in fact being stalky because in the same tone he goes - Noooo, I *always* hang out by front doors at midnight with 2 cups of coffee in my hand. NGBF goes on to tell her it's Irish coffee, but we're out of coffee. That's what he said; what I heard was "I came here to drink coffee and get puss, and I'm all out of coffee".

When she hears it's actually just a cocktail, she squeals. ::sigh:: Over on the sofa, she's saying - Maggie seems so sweet! He's like - Nah it's not gonna work out. Whyenne's all - Aw I hate to hear that. He says - So you're settling for Tool Cop? (she does not pick up on his very specifically chosen wording.) And she goes on to say how if someone had told her that a couple weeks ago, she's have said they were crazy (pot, meet kettle), he gives the standard "Well that's how love is, it doesn't have to make sense, as long as you're happy",  and she tells - sorry, whispers to - NGBF how he is such a good friend, "like a crazy good friend". Stop saying "crazy", Whyenne, just get it out of your mouth, you clearly don't know from crazy. They smile, he puts his arm around her, and she snuggles into his shoulder. It’s gross.

Now we go to next day, and Janet's back! From another room, she tells Whyenne not to be a judge-y fucking bitch (well, not exactly that, but you get my drift) and she comes out in her dress:

Now, this dress is not my personal style, for wedding or otherwise. I also don't think it's as flattering a dress as could be on Janet. I also think that were she to go through with her I-can-wear-this-again plan, it should be professionally dyed to a jewel-toned color that would complement her skin tone, as it's a little stark, and probably would look better in an off-white or cream in the first place, and guess what? That doesn't mean shit. Not a lick of what I said. Because it's not my wedding, it's not my dress. It's Janet's wedding, it's Janet's dress, it's Janet's choice. I would compliment the elements of it that I did like, and would focus my excitement on, say, what jewelry and hair and make-up she had in mind. That's my job. It's go-time, the wedding is like five seconds away. We're too far gone. So my job is to be supportive and love her.

Let's go to Whyenne for her input - she has a frozen smile and she nods. Janet has to prompt her - "What do you think?" Whyenne goes - "It's um, it's really pretty". Janet says - You hate it. Whyenne's all - Not hate, but this is your weeeeeeeddddding. And Janet, frustrated - understandably - says "I'm not a princess, I'm not a little girl, I'm not *you*, this is who I am!" And thank god for that, Janet. Thank all the deities for that.

She goes on to say - totally exasperated, again, understandably - that she doesn't care about the dresses and the party and the presents, she only cares about her relationship with her husband, and  she doesn't understand how Whyenne doesn't get that. Let's once more go to Whyenne to get a sense of if she's actually absorbing - or trying to absorb - what her dear sister has conveyed:

Shocker.

Whyenne claims to hear her, spouts off that she's sorry, that it's Janet's big day, and she should do what she wants. Well, thank you for giving permission, Whyenne!

Outside, the pipers have arrived, and Dad - who clearly is now in desperate need of help with the wedding, since his other daughter hasn't done shit to help in the almost 2 weeks she's been there, and not because she's been hunkered down with NGBF hammering out their next book - offers the pipers the chance to come inside instead of hanging out here in the cold all day (that's a little weird, the van's behind them, and like the other performers they'd just, y'know, pile in and leave because their job's done), and have some hot breakfast if they'll hang around and help him set up the venue. They happily agree, and place their flutes into a basket Dad already had ready in his hands (????), and go inside. Whyenne inquires if Dad has made enough food. STFU you nasty hobgoblin.

Three second shot of NGBF, who is finishing off his 12 days sketch with the 12 drummers drumming. I bring this up, because I don't get ol' director Jeff's thought process, here. This would be a nice way to denote each day or at least a good chunk of the days - say, showing it immediately after the arrival of the gifts, or just before -  in case viewers don't recall the 12 days or they've forgotten how close we are to the end, no need to count, just an at-a-glance reminder. But it's shown sporadically, and at first was kinda played to be like - It's him! It's NGBF sending them! Maybe this is part of the final letter/explanation! But it's not been consistent. Sometimes we linger on it, sometimes it's a blink-and-you-miss-it jam, as this one was, and all I'm saying is It's an odd choice. Maybe the editor screwed up. None of this matters.

We are now at night, at a restaurant for the rehearsal dinner, Whyenne and Tool Cop sitting beside each other, and Roger is making a toast, which they begin to rudely talk under. I'm not saying I want to hear a whole shmoopy speech, what I'm saying is that this could be happening whilst the salads are being plated or something, once dinner is underway. But Whyenne has no concept of what "rude" and "consideration for others" entails, lest we've forgotten. (We have not forgotten.) Tool Cop says he doesn't want to blow the surprise but he's made wine tasting reservations for the coming Tuesday, and Whyenne to her credit, does pointedly look from Tool Cop to Roger and back, as in Shut It, Tool, but he doesn't pick up on it, and she apparently forgets that brief whiff of manners, and talks with him.

A brief aside: We, for the third time now, must stop and ask the costume designer what the fuck is wrong with them, because allow me to show you what Janet has been dressed in for the rehearsal dinner, and scroll back up real quick to remind yourself of the wedding dress, do you a lil' compare-and-contrast, I don't need to explain, you'll know what I mean:

This clearly should’ve been the wedding dress, is what I mean; why is the rehearsal dinner dress fancier than the wedding dress? This wardrobe person is bizarre. And this caption is *way* too long.

Back to the convo. Whyenne says - You know, this has been such a special two days, maybe you should call off the grand finale (ref'ing the drummers that are on deck for the next day, a.k.a. wedding day). Tool Cop's like - Yeah, I feel you, don't want 12 pipers piping in the middle of their vows.

Oh, Tool Cop. Oh, noes. Oh, you have shown your hand, my boy, and Whyenne's simple, but she knows anything to do with romance down to a microscopic degree, and you dun goofed, brother. Whyenne double-checks that she heard him correctly; he again says pipers.

The pipers came today, Tool Cop.

THE PIPERS CAME TODAY

No one thought to bleach the area above her non-existent upper lip; yes I’m petty.

"Pipers?" she clarifies - "Yeah, pipers," Tool repeats - "It's actually 12 drummers drumming," she tells him. "The pipers came today." - he repeats her ---- WHAT IS THIS SCENE, HURRY UP, JEEBUS CRICKET ---- and Whyenne says, all smarmy "Um I just have a quick lil' question, do you *know* the song?" - "'Course I know the song" - "Why don't you sing it?" - "Right now?" - she confirms she means right now. All in whispers. Roger's been done with the toast for ages. And even though she's whisper-hissing and Tool's keeping his volume low, check it:

JEFF YOU SUCK - why did the director not tell her to stop whispering once the other actor was done with his dialogue? How is it everyone and their mother (well, not the dead ones, ahem) are hearing this back-and-forth?

The scene continues with him whisper-singing and he whiffs it, and when he nervously gets his numbers out of order at one point she goes - "It's eight, because numbers go like this:  7, 8, 9." What. A. Snotfaced. Wretch. Now Dad stands up to interrupt what is escalating into an issue - THANKS WHYENNE, can't have the attention on anyone else - and make a toast which - you guessed it! - Whyenne ignores and keeps on with Tool Cop. "You didn't send the gifts, did you?" she asks, which she should've done in the first place, but Janet and Roger's dinner seems like the perfect time.

"I feel like SUCH an idiot!" Whyenne says, scooting back her chair abruptly, grabbing her purse and coat and huffing off - Dad has halted his toast, everyone is staring - just like Whyenne wants. She throws out a flat, insincere "So sorry, Janet", not even over her shoulder, not even turning her head to make eye contact, she's outta there, Tool Cop chasing after. We get another primo look from Dad, a "How long do I have to keep up the act that I love my daughters equally", at least, that's what I like to think, you be the judge:

She is STILL WHISPERING as they go down the steps of the restaurant and I'll break form and use her real name here - because whilst declaring he's been lying to her and hurting her feels, she also goes "And it's Cynthia! Not Cindy! CYNTHIA! It's been annoying me!" - because this is important. He says - So I didn't send the presents, so what, we had a great time, that counts for something, right?  - and Whyenne is all - You think that's what a relationship is about?! Presents?! Seriously?!

Stop. Everything.

What? WHAT? You superficial weeping abscess, that's ALL YOU'VE CARED ABOUT. Romantic gestures, including but not limited to gifts. And Tool Cop is like - I thought that's what you wanted! Everyone said you were this romantic - and then Whyenne says-----

Get ready.

----and I quote:  "Do you think I'm actually that shallow, that I would actually choose that over real connection?"

[looks around at everyone watching this]

YES, YOU BARREL-CURLED MONSTER, YES!

That's what we did, but Tool Cop is silent, his face confirming that Ding-Ding-Ding! Give the little lady a prize! And lo, a moment of clarity has arrived:

Doing!

But has it really? Can you undo a lifetime of immaturity in one fell swoop? Let's find out, we've come this far, after all. She says she feels really stupid (accurate, you are, Whyenne), and Tool Cop is like - We're gonna get through it - and Whyenne is all - You're SUCH a great guy, you're so AMAZING, you're such a CATCH, I don't worry about you for a SECOND.... etc., etc., I won't bore you, this scene has gone on way too long, and I'm tired. I'm tired, y'all. She is absolutely exhausting.

She says she has to go, and she does, back inside to her sister's rehearsal dinner. HA-HA-HA, PSYCH! 'Course not. Because self-absorbed twat. At the farm, we see NGBF sketching out - finally! - illustrations for the book (and snaps to whoever the person was who did it, they're really cute) and it's snicker-worthy to me that the girl is surrounded by three boys who are handing her gifts, like she's sweet lil' babby jeebus and they're the magi, and all have hearts over their heads, and goddamn, NGBF is so stinkin' pathetic. I hate him again. Whyenne goes - You weren't at the rehearsal dinner, we missed you!

Bitch, YOU aren't at the rehearsal dinner, and you're family, and you're the maid of honor, do you not suppose that *you* are presently being missed? And you sound surprised, did you *just* now recall that he wasn't there? Her entire insides are filled with chirping, glittery butterflies repeating her own name ad nauseam. AND TINSEL, IT'S GORGEOUS

NGBF says he figured he'd be in the way, and instead of correcting him, acknowledging his feelings, insisting - No, we all adore you and consider you part of the family and wanted you there, and we want you at the wedding, etc., she's all - I wanted to tell you that things didn't work out with Tool Cop. He's like - :sigh: What happened? And she's all - Like you don't know, it was you, it was you all along!  He says - No, Whyenne, it wasn't. She says he doesn't have to play along anymore, that it couldn't have been anybody else!

Because, remember: this was all about Whyenne. The gifts couldn't have been for anyone else but Whyenne. Nobody would go to all this trouble and cost and planning for anyone besides Whyenne.

And NGBF zings one right across the plate, high and tight: "Why, because there isn't anybody else *left*?" BURN. I may be back to love for him. Her face falls. "Is that the reason that you're here?" he continues.

"You're making it sound----"

"You think I came here for two weeks to be with your family, to work on a book?"

She scrunches up her face. "Yeah..."

"Come *on*, Whyenne - I came here to be with *you*."

"I didn't know," Whyenne whisper-gasps.

He is done. He gathers a few things, gets up, says he's leaving, and shit he's serious because he leaves the easel. He says he's gonna go get a motel room and take the bus outta there tomorrow. She tries to stop him, and has full-on bunched up face with tears in her eyes and is whimper-talking, which is of course adorable, and he tells her he's not going to be her leftovers - she says back-to-back that she knows, but that she's sorry, she didn't know, and I roll my eyes. He reiterates that he can't do this, that he guesses he'll just see her when he sees her.

Cut to later, Janet and Roger are walking into the kitchen in the middle of a convo, with Roger saying "I don't know about 'ruined', I thought it went pretty well". Nicely done, Whyenne, nicely done, Janet thinks you ruined her rehearsal dinner, and is likely dreading what the wedding day will bring. (The lace-overlay dress, by the way, is even more stunning now that Janet's standing and walking, why this isn't the wedding dress - excepting that it isn’t longer - is genuinely beyond me.) Janet says she guesses there'd be something wrong if there wasn't at least a little Whyenne drama. This poor woman, what she's had to deal with for the whole of her life, and you know what? Shame on their parents, even the dead one, for allowing that behavior. Bad. BAD PARENTS! NO TREATS  She comments - And also here they are, still don't know who's behind all these ridiculous presents. She spots in Roger's satchel, which is on the counter, a thick folder sticking out, and it has some sort of business emblem embossed on it, and she pulls it out, saying "PLEASE don't tell me you're behind all this stuff".

But it's a bunch of brochures and such for a trip to the Caribbean, stuff about hotels and cruises and romantic activities. He ponies up that he's wanting to do something for a honeymoon - Janet reminds him (AGAIN) that they've talked about this, that it's already been hard and going to be hard on Dad, adjusting to the house now being completely empty, that at this point she doesn't want to leave town for an extended period of time. Now, let's review: Janet has expressed her feelings about the Christmas decorations, and those feelings were discarded; Janet has expressed her feelings about legit trying to find out who's behind the gifts and shutting it all down----

And I would submit, as the homeowner, Dad could easily call and tell the company to stop it; if they blah-blah about a contract or something, he could say that he isn't concerned with the details of someone losing their money or whatever, that he'll handle re-homing the birds, but that this is to stop immediately, and that no one else affiliated with this gift is to come onto his property or he'll contact law enforcement; I assure you, the gifts would stop.

----and this has also been discarded, for which I am disappointed in both Dad and Roger for not helping with this and standing up to Whyenne, as well; now I'll bet money that Janet acquiesces to Roger's desire for a lavish honeymoon, and I’m curious as to whether she’s beat down enough by this point to wear Mom’s wedding gown.

Roger says that Dad will be fine, it's just a week - did anybody consider that Janet isn't into cruises, by the way, and that regardless of Dad being fine, SHE doesn’t want to leave him???? - and that even Dad wants his newlywed daughter to be able to have a "romantic honeymoon" (wait - that was said in passing, but is Dad in on this?? More disappoint). In any event, this is the secret surprise Roger was referring to when he spoke with Father Grant. Janet is visibly running out of steam, reiterates that she is not into the romantic stuff, she finds it (her word) "messy", that it more often than not clouds people's judgment, that they don't know what's real and not real, and that Whyenne has "infected" him with this stuff.

See. Told you. Disease.

Roger tries to poo-poo Janet's feelings by saying this is all because she's just stressed about the wedding, which is the wedding equivalent of "You're just PMS'ing", and Janet's all - NO! That is not it! I'm stressed because I am trying to keep the family together, and everyone's ruining everything, *that's* the problem.

Time out: Screenwriters.... what? No. That’s not the reason. The family is not in danger of falling apart. Whyenne has long been moved out and had a career and all that, Janet is also an adult who is doing the normal (well... today’s economy notwithstanding) thing and getting married and moving out, it has been established that Dad’s “light went out” but again, he shows no signs of breakdown or major clinical depression (yes, that’s the term, “major” is part of it to denote it from episodic depression and bipolar depression, et al, I’m not using it as an adjective, is my point) and so what is she talking about, “keep together”? They are all incredibly close to one another, proximity aside. The reason, you hacks, is thus: “No! That’s not it! I’m stressed because I keep telling people in short, understandable, clear sentences what I need and want, and nobody - including you, my fiance! - is listening to me!” End scene. 

So. She goes to the barn, and Whyenne's there, too, and they're kicked back with the partridge, sipping on one of the bottles of swan champagne. I wonder if it's made from real swans. Janet tells her Roger has lost his mind with this secret honeymoon business. I also wonder if there's a clock fast enough to time how quickly this convo gets made about Whyenne. Let's watch.

Whyenne asks why this is so terrible, and Janet's like - Of course you'd think that, it's all presents and romantic get-a-ways, ugh. 

Janet is my spirit made flesh.

Whyenne says a little bit of that can be really fun. Janet says Whyenne's so much like Mom, but she's just not wired that way, that when she said "yes" to Roger, it was because bottom line, it made sense - they're friends first and foremost, and he's really good to her, and she doesn't necessarily want him to be like her on this subject, but she does want him to be happy. She says that Whyenne wasn't there when Mom passed away (of course she wasn't), that she didn't see how the light went out in Dad, and - crying now - she can't imagine living that way, should Roger die - or, should *she* die, she says she wouldn't want to do that to Roger. That, friends, is a considerate person right there. This is what love is, however off-the-mark about the romance stuff we may find Janet to be.

Whyenne asks if she's afraid of going without that "connection" because she's afraid of losing it. But - huh? Earlier, "connection" had nothing to do with gifts and romantic gestures, so.... Huh? And what the hell does Whyenne know about "connection"? Anyway, Whyenne says that Janet's fallen in love, and Janet rolls her eyes good-naturedly, and Whyenne says she's got more Mom in her than she thinks. But now to Whyenne - Janet asks what happened with Tool Cop - Whyenne says they could never have what Mom and Dad had or what Janet and Roger have, and she's gonna stop chasing romance.

The. Fuck. Do you STILL not get it? Why are you fixated on forcing your love life into the mold crafted by others? Make your own mold! And not the kind of creeping fungus mold that *you* are, Butterscot. You stupid cow.

Moving on, next day. So it's not just the drummers for the 12th, it's the whole crew, doing a choreographed routine in front of the house, even the birds and rings are all there, and thankfully the wedding isn't happening - because hey, somebody must've called the company to ensure that, right? Right? For Janet's sake? Nah. Let's leave it up to chance.

One of the chicks sings the whole song through. I want to die. Not really. Metaphorically. This movie has chipped away at my soul. But we're getting to the scene that made me - and I'm not lying to you - burst into tear-inducing laughter. One of the performers brings over the partridge cage once the song is complete, and this time the note attached is an envelope, and it reads "Thomas".

Wait for it.

Whyenne, perplexed, looks up at her father. And our resident Mensa candidate, our Honor Society member, our published author, our grown-ass woman says....

"'Thomas'? Dad... they're from you?"

Says Dad:

"N-no."

Janet takes the envelope, and explains how envelopes work - "No it's not *from* him, it's *for* him.

Whyenne remains perplexed; Dad remains amazed that she is an actual functioning human being and not some two-legged, semi-sentient piece of week-old cotton candy:

I. Have. Lost. It.  When I initially watched this, on TV, I was snort-laughing so hard the dogs jumped in shock. I was muttering “Dumb bitch”. My eyes were blurry with tears, between her stupid face and Dad’s reaction and Janet’s “No....”

SHE DOESN’T UNDERSTAND ENVELOPES, Y’ALL

This pile of chewed bubblegum is *still* convinced all of this is for her, so much so that she saw an envelope, saw that the name on said envelope was not her own, and then her warped, self-obsessed brain turned off common sense, and she actually asked aloud if gifts designated “For my true love” were from her father. Sorry - from her Daddy.

Anyhow, I was so tickled that I missed the reading of the letter when I first watched, I couldn't even manage to hit pause, but c'mon. I knew what it said. A lot of y'all know what it says, too.

It hits Dad what's happened, and he says he wants Whyenne to read it, because he can't, and inside, she demonstrates she can read. Mom apparently didn't die in a car crash or something, the inference is it was probably cancer, because it was a long haul, she had time enough to plan this ahead of time, knew she was dying, 'cause she's saying even in the face of loss, it's still important to make room for some whimsy and joy. She hopes the gifts have brought out the best of him - his humor (check), his strength (...to tolerate it?), his compassion (...for the birds?) Blah-blah-blah, take care of our girls, I love you, blah.

Welp. [glances at watch] We've had about two minutes that weren't about Whyenne. Fuck marinating on Mom for a sec, talking about, say - Wow, when did she manage to do this! Nay, friends. Whyenne throws herself into Dad's arms - "Dad I'm so sorry, I feel so stupid, how did I get it so wrong".  Because you're simple, darlin'.  I wish I had a copy of this script so I could do a "find" to see how many times she's uttered this "I feel so stupid" line. It's got to be around five. FIIIIIIVE STUPID FEEEEEEEELS

Dad assures her she's not stupid - you know, like a liar (as John Mulaney would say). And Janet tries to bring it around, saying what I’d suggested, that Mom must've done it when she stopped treatment. So okay, time out, and yes I'm about to critique Dead Mom: weddings typically take about a year to plan, let's say at minimum six months. This is their first Christmas without her, so she's died within the year. Janet and Roger are such straight-arrows and detail-oriented, precise, exacting people, there's no way they're getting married on the fly, they've been engaged for awhile, hundred percent. So Mom died knowing Janet was engaged. 

And perhaps Janet and Roger weren’t wise to schedule the wedding at Christmas, but one thing that Roger said earlier that I didn't mention was they did this because people would be off work, so they put thought into it. (I personally still frown upon folks who get married *on* holidays, however, because it's really presumptuous to assume their friends will forego spending time with their own families on their day off to go to a wedding. Don't get me started on destination weddings. Unless you plan on paying everyone's airfare and hotel bills, just elope, you assholes. Whyenne would have a destination wedding. You know she would.)

I propose the chances are slim that Janet and Roger hadn't made this known to their family and potential guests way early on, and typically "save the date"-s go out months and months ahead of time. Bottom line: within the year of the wedding, when Mom was "with it" enough to plan this, it's pretty probable she knew Janet was getting married at Christmas, and she did it anyway. I'm saying Dead Mom might've also put romantic shit in front of Janet's feelings, in front of what would be a kindness to Janet. We'll never know. But I'm just throwing that out there, it wouldn't surprise me with these screenwriters, why not toss another self-absorbed woman on the fire. Janet remains an island unto herself. And not a Caribbean one.

By the way, can we stop here for a second, and remind ourselves of the synopsis?

Yes. Whyenne's ideal dude, the one she wants to snuggle up with, the one she wants to lurve 4eva, the one she wants to lay the pipe, is her mother.

Back to our scene: Whyenne repeats that she doesn't know how she could've missed it (answer: selfish shit stain), and Dad's like - well the first note didn't indicate who it was for, it’s understandable, and Whyenne goes - No I mean my whole life [whispering now] I thought I needed to be given all the romantic things you and Mom did but now I realize [wispier whispers] I need someone to do them for. She wispies she has to go do something and dashes off.

WHAT TIME IS THIS DAMN WEDDING ARE YOU GOING TO PARTICIPATE IN HELPING YOUR SISTER GET READY OR HELP DAD FINISH UP LAST MINUTE SHIT OR WHAT

I hope the French hens escaped again, and have crapped in her suitcase. I hope NGBF put eggnog in her shampoo before he left. I hope Dad put her skirts through the woodchipper to prevent having to see his daughter's ass hang out of them in the future. I hope Janet grabs all the ball ornaments off the Christmas tree, crushes them, and puts them in her shoes.

I hate her.

Whyenne has rushed to the bus station, because she knows the schedule for buses heading to Big City by heart -- no, I'm kidding, she took a moment to look it up -- no, I'm kidding, she's just gone down there with no knowledge, because it's sweeping and romantic. Is NGBF even still in town? If he's not there at the station, she's wasted a bunch of time that should be spent on her family, aaaaanyway, but Whyenne.

We are ten minutes away from escaping purgatory.

Whyenne has parked in front of the gate to the bus terminal so that no one else may enter or leave. As bouncy, tee-hee music plays, she is running joyfully, and darts in front of a departing bus, demanding it stop:

No. No, I'm afraid my word-crafting and screencaps will not do this justice. I have pulled the clip for you:

Now, in case you can't play in it your given region: NGBF is sitting on a bench nearby, and calls out, "Whyenne! Get out of the street!" She walks around to the side of the bus but, see, it has blocked her view - she can *hear* him, but she can't *see* him. This is a mystery ---- I'm sorry, I'm so stupid ---- it's a CHRISTERY. So Whyenne yells his name repeatedly, adds on "Are you.... unh!" when the bus doesn't get out of her way fast enough. DOESN'T THE DRIVER KNOW THIS IS WHYENNE?!

Well - you'll think that's it, that she's just impatient it isn't gettin' gone so she can cross the street to where he must be  - oh, but no. See, she thought she heard his voice clear-as-a-bell from INSIDE the bus, and - again I tell you - she is absolutely *screaming* “NGBF!” and "NGBF, WAIT!" multiple times, and nope it’s not calling out to him on the other side, it’s at the bus as it passes:

“Unh!”

The bus is gone now, and there he is. Whew! Christery solved. That was a tough one. Good thing she "Nancy Drew's" these things. There's a sniffle, a pout is most assuredly upon us, I can feel it, but we're saved. She sees him. And she whispers: 

"Hi." 

She walks over, is confused - she asks why he's not on the bus. He says - “It's not my bus.” She goes - “Oh.” 

This movie is actively trying to kill me. 

He asks what she's doing there, and she hands him his sketchbook, which she was carrying, along with her massive purse, which is where she keeps the pieces of men’s spirits that she consumes to stay alive. NGBF's balls are in there, too. In the zippered pocket. Wrapped in tinsel, next to her glittery pink heart-shaped keychain that holds the keys to the gates of hell.

Then she says---- I'm sorry, I’m so stupid, she whisper-hisses ----"And also, I've figured it out. It's you. It's been you the entire time."

This is the look on his face:

Please end this, NGBF. End your suffering. Tell her you're contacting the publisher and saying you'll finish out your commitment, but that this is the last book you'll be working on with Whyenne. Please. No one deserves this. And take her purse, maybe the hospital can re-attach your balls.

"I told you already - I didn't send you the gifts," he says.

"I know," she whisper-hisses, grinning like a psychotic off their meds.

Let's speed run this: Ever since little dreamed about an epic love story, has realized it's right in front of her, he's such a good friend for such a long time, friendship's the most important thing in love, no grand romantic gesture in the world can compete with what we have, I love you, I've loved you for a really long time, they kiss. It's gross.

Now, finally, Janet's wedding. Even though Dad has spoken of “setting up the venue”, we are not at the farm, we are in something that looks like a greenhouse and there's summery plants and vines all around. I am genuinely confused. If this greenhouse is on the farm, why haven’t we seen it before? Also, in order to keep some of those ferns alive in the snowy winter, do you know how warm and humid that joint has to be? This is dumb. This is straight dumb.  

Everyone is wearing springy-summery clothes, some of the men even wearing suits in colors on the spring/summer end of the spectrum (I don’t mean to say seersucker or tan, I mean to say paler shades of grey and lighter-hued navy), and I don’t know that - other than older women - a single woman had any kind of sleeve, whatever length, looked like everyone was sleeveless.

Because it's December. 

And some of the performers (including Maggie) are there, in costume (though Maggie isn't...???), because they didn't have anything to do on this, a holiday.  And what's your guess on what Janet's wearing?

Mom's dress that in no way is from 1976 that they managed to get dry cleaned and fitted on Christmas Day! Yay! Congrats on being bullied into ditching what was in your heart, Janet! Enjoy the Caribbean and all the shmoopy activities! Hope you're pregnant in five minutes! Know now that you're gonna name it after Whyenne, regardless of if boy or girl! YAY!

Whyenne's dress is pink. I mean, all the bridesmaids are in pink. Spring-y or  Summer-y wedding pastel chiffon spaghetti-strapped pink. Not something in the theme of the season, or something appropriate for the time of year. Nope. Not Whyenne. Ten bucks says she was behind it. You know I'm right.

To the reception! Hey, Pushy's here! Dad asks her to dance. He says he'll need to go slow. (He means more than the dance, of course.) And she says quietly, "I know". It is a touching moment, and if I can blow my wad a little early about what I'm going to say at the end? *This* is what this movie should've been about: Dad's journey back to the land of the living, letting go of Mom. And the daughters should've been supplemental characters. And the title should've been "The Twelve Days of You".

But what do I know, I'm not a professional writer.

At a table, Father Grant tells Maggie and Tool Cop that the dance floor's calling their names. I will allow it - Maggie's a good egg, and Tool Cop's not really a tool at the end of the day, I think he has a big heart and he wants people to be safe and happy. And Maggie likes to see people happy, too, being a performer, and she's clearly a great friend. They both have phenomenal smiles. This was an unnecessary, rando scene, but it's short, so whatever. I guess the point is that unless you’re clergy committed to celibacy, EVERYONE MUST HAVE SOMEONE IN ORDER TO BE HAPPY. 

At the main table, No Longer NGBF - he is WB, for Whyenne's Boyfriend, because that's what his identity is now - asks her to dance. He is wearing pale tan suede shoes with a gray suit. About two notes play and she immediately says "I LOVE THIS SONG!" and a song you'll have never heard nor heard of in your life begins to play. She talks and makes sounds The. Entire. Time. they are dancing - "Oooh!" - "Ahh!" - "Oh!" - "Okaaaay, okay!" - "Wooo!" I bet the screenwriters would have her doing this during sex, too, because it’s so cute.

And she does this, because it's super cute:

She has some sort of mental handicap, it’s the only explanation.

The entirety of the last three minutes of the movie is the shitty song and people dancing. Then at the last moment the music cuts out, we pan up to see that someone has hung the partridge's cage like fifteen feet above the dance floor, and it makes sounds, and those sounds are of a pigeon.

[Nash pauses] [Nash ponders] Imma google what a partridge sounds like real quick. That was fucking pigeon, but I'm going to do my due diligence.

I don't see dick about any of the breeds having a "coo".  To You Tube! --> Here's the red-legged partridge - it's scritchy.  /  Here's the gray partridge - it's squeaky.  /  Here's an unspecified breed in England - it's not pleasant, either. Goddammit, why not just use the two turtle doves - like, you know, a COUPLE - and that way could’ve used dove coos. 

Nash's rating on the entirety of this movie? Absolutely nothing. Even "0" is too much.

If you want to see a Christmas flick that also features the theme of the 12 Days, then watch "Twelfth Day of Christmas" starring an actress called Brooke Nevin. It features realistic characters in a decently executed scenario, sweet without being cavity-forming, and they move through the gifts at a quick clip. Oh, and also? It's not the traditional 12 gifts.  

Tangentially-related, this actress is also in another garbage movie, that’s from Lifetime, called “A Gift-Wrapped Christmas” (2015). She’s the exact same bouncy, desserts-loving character (and the leading man is as tepid and bland as plain oatmeal), though I will say that on the 1-to-10 annoyance scale, she hits more at a 7 vs. this one, this one clearly being off-the-charts.

Which brings me to the rest of what I need to purge. The recap’s done, cut out if you don't give a shit about my thoughts on story construction - this movie, yeah, but also fanfic that features a Whyenne such as the one we've just covered. 

But hey, if you enjoyed, drop me a note and let me know? Thanks for reading.

Like I said above - the better story, the one that's hidden in this one, is about Dad. The theme itself, that's fine, keep it, but it is not realistic (I mean, eccentric billionaires might do it) to have exotic birds and dancers and all that. This would have cost *thousands* of dollars. And on top of cancer treatment, probably for at least a year preceding? And then a wedding? The set denotes they're wealthy, but they are also small-town wealthy, so who knows? It's never said what Dad's occupation is/was, if memory serves. His daughter's a real estate agent, his son-in-law is an accountant - unless they are dealing with corporate-type stuff... somehow... in the small town... I don't see them kicking cash Dad's way, and we know the book author daughter isn't, no way, so.... ???? 

It's simply too much for suspending disbelief. So you make the presents related to, but not exactly the 12 days. Make it to where as it goes on, he's slowly starting to realize Dead Mom may be behind it. Or, hell - make it clear that she's behind it from the jump, and each of the gifts are reminders of meaningful times they had with each other at other Christmases, and he can be like - Why is she bumming me out from the grave, pulling up all these memories? But in the end it's like - nah, man, I want you to make *more* memories like these, *new* memories. Call it “The 12 Days of You”, as in of Mom, and yes that’s true but it’s also true that it’s the 12 days of him because this is her giving him the gift he needs - permission to move on.

And keep Janet as the sensible one, go ahead and keep Whyenne as a self-absorbed shit who wasn't there for them when Mom was sick, have that be a family conflict, that no one's asking Janet to be a martyr, and finally confront Whyenne about her attitude. Keep the stuff about them being afraid of falling too deeply in love and not committing to love, respectively, because of how the loss could be too much to handle. Keep the nice lady from in town who is willing to wait on him as long as he needs. *This* is the more heart-warming story, and the one they should have gone with, since they cared more about Dad's character than anyone else's - they just slapped snarky and distant onto Janet, and shellacked Whyenne with narcissism. But the stupidity sold, and it got high ratings, just like fanfics with Whyennes that share similar traits to this main character “sells”. 

SPN Fanfic Writers, I just.... okay, I’m not really gonna lecture - let’s put it this way: if your Y/N displays *any* of the characteristics that this character did, delete your story. Start over. Are there women out there who behave like this? Yes. Would Dean or Sam (or ancient angels/demons) *ever* find these women appealing beyond perhaps a one-night stand, assuming she didn’t speak for the duration? No. They wouldn’t. 

The women they’d be interested in are not whisper-talking or stupid or cutesy or self-absorbed or obsessed with dates and gifts, and they aren’t chewing on their hair and biting their lips and whining and pouting and giggling. A woman can be soft and caring and sweet without being infantile, and she can also be tough and vulnerable, and get romantic and be sensible, she can be ALL those things at once. You’ve seen this on the show, have you not? The types of women they’ve spent significant time with, both as lovers and as friends? Do they resemble 90% of the Y/Ns you write/you read? No. They don’t.

So stop it with this looking-up-through-eyelashes demurely----

It’s a ridiculous scenario, by the way! Because it’s physically impossible, by the way! You sound like an idiot when you write this, by the way! 

----and dreamily lost in thought all the time garbage. How we watch the same show, and y’all come out on the other end thinking a person like this chick is Sam or Dean’s ideal is beyond me. It *completely* takes many of us out of the story because it’s no longer a “behind-the-scenes canon-compliant” sort of jam (as I like to phrase it), because it is insanity to believe either of the guys would be into someone so immature. So stop it. STAHHHHP it. Or give the guys different names and call it an original short story. Because you’re not writing Sam and Dean. And your pitiable “Y/N” sure as shit ain’t me.

SPN Fanfic Readers, I implore you to stop going woo-eyed and reblogging and fawning over this stuff. If you like it, fine, I’m not judging you, what I’m doing is telling you there’s better shit out there that you’ll *really* be blown away by - do not settle for this crap where writers have proclaimed it is in-universe, and you know full well you’re having to suspend a TON of disbelief because Y/N is so shallow and infantile, and the guys are unrecognizable, because they are not in character. There’s stories out there with actual spot-on characterization of Dean and Sam, actual interesting plots, actual well-rounded love interests for them, and some writers do it in such little space you will be dazzled. Stop encouraging mediocrity; encourage those who are knocking it out of the park.

Nash out.  

[afewproblems]

Season Two Halloween AU Part Nine

Part One, Part Two, Part Three, Part Four, Part Five, Part Six Part Seven Part Eight

Synopsis: What if Eddie had been at Tina's Halloween Party in Season Two? Featuring Steve!Whump, Stancy Breakup, and Eddie just trying to keep up with all these new revelations about who King-Steve actually is...

As always, thank you thank you to the lovely Jess @strangersteddierthings for cheering me on, letting me send spoilers, and Steddie screaming with me!

***

Eddie moves, trying to find a comfortable position in the firm plastic hospital chair, letting his legs stretch out into the bulk of the hallway and sliding down the chair. 

He won't be able to stay like this for much longer either, but it's worth it for the irritated looks he can feel from the nurses station.

Eddie hadn't been allowed in the room with Steve while he was being assessed, forcing him to wait outside in the hallway.

He can hear them talking, not bothering to be quiet at four in the morning.

"There's no answer, who isn't home at this time of night?"

"Did you try the secondary number?"

"Yes, it's for a business though and all I get is the answering machine for a Richard Harrington". 

Eddie frowns, silently agreeing with the first nurse, why the hell aren't they here?

That's when he remembers something Steve had mentioned, so casually, Eddie realizes, feeling a little sick, that his parents wouldn't be home until Thanksgiving this year. 

Which is just shy of a month away still, give or take a week.

Just how long have they been gone, he wonders, feeling an anxious pit begin to form in his stomach, and what would that mean for him now?

He's saved from this train of thought for the moment by Hopper appearing at the end of the hall, his heavy step and squeaky boots announcing themselves well before he steps into view. 

He looks exhausted, and a little worse for wear, and Eddie has never been happier to see a cop.

He walks past Eddie, though he does spare him a single nod, and makes his way to the nurses station. 

"Morning," Hopper says gruffly, his voice crackles as though it's either been used too much or too little recently.

"'M'here about the Harrington kid, we have a few questions for him and his injuries and then I'll be taking him home after his statement".

"Sir, that's not--" one of the Nurses tries, only for Hopper to flash his badge and knock his knuckles once on the top of the desk.

"Which room?" He at least has the decency to ask this time, throwing a thumb over his shoulder. 

Eddie hears a long sigh as the other Nurse mutters, '206'; Hopper doesn't even wait for her to finish the word before he's turning on his heel, his boots making a horrible squeak against the linoleum tiles as moves. 

He slows to a stop in front of Eddie, finally looking at him, it's always been nerve wracking having the chiefs full attention on him, though there's a rather big difference between now and the last time, down at the station.

"They check you out?" He grumbles to Eddie, his fingers tap a nervous rhythm on his leg.

Eddie shakes his head, "Steve took the brunt of everything tonight". 

Hopper nods, his gruff face pinched with something close to worry, but it's gone in an instant.

He looks down the hall at something over Eddie's shoulder and lifts his hand in a muted wave before turning back to Eddie.

"You should head home Munson, I took the liberty of getting you a ride".

Eddie frowns at the words and startles slightly as another person sits down beside him, he hadn't even noticed until Wayne was all of a sudden right there.

Eddie blinks, exhaustion and emotion all encompassing; he feels as though he might sink into the floor or tip forward and fall away from the world right then and there, but Wayne reaches out, clasping his shoulder with his firm warm hand. Like he always does.

"Wayne," Eddie says in a tremulous voice, the weight of the night finally crashes over him, the dogs, Billy, the tunnels, it's too much. The image of Steve crumpling to the floor, shards of ceramic in his hair, plays over and over again.

Eddie's face is wet as Wayne pulls him into his arms, he ignores the way the hospital chair digs into his ribs as he moves.

"S'okay Ed," Wayne whispers, letting his hand rub soothing circles on his back, up and down.

Wayne says something above Eddie's head, most likely to Hopper, but he doesn't care, not now. He focuses on the grounding feeling of being held, the warm comfort of knowing that when he needed it, his uncle was there. 

He tries not to think about the fact that it's Hopper in Steve's room rather than his parents. 

***

They don’t talk after. 

It shouldn’t have been surprising really. After the whirlwind in the tunnels, learning that Dustin really had managed to bond with one of the creatures over a mediocre chocolate bar, and finally, finally, getting Steve to the hospital, it was like everything else was put on the back burner. 

The government gives them all NDAs to sign, including Wayne now --how was he not going to tell his uncle after the hospital? The government officials had given Eddie a bit of trouble about it during the debrief about their cover story, until Wayne and Hopper had argued his defense. 

The worst part though, about everything, is the pretending. 

Pretending that everything is normal, like there aren't monsters from an alternate dimension running around Hawkins, like the government didn't know about the real reason so many people, like Mr.Newby, had died. Pretending that small petty things like his late homework assignments, or who was dating who in the wilds of Hawkins High really mattered. 

With that being said, the news that Nancy Wheeler and Jonathan Byers were officially dating now, surged through the school. 

Pretending that that news doesn't make Eddie feel relieved was also difficult.

Well, maybe relieved isn't the right word, but after Eddie's half-assed confession before the tunnels, and the stay in the hospital, Steve has been avoiding him. 

And if it wasn’t because of Nancy….

Well, Eddie tries not to dwell too much on it.

Two weeks after their trip into the Dismal Caverns, Eddie spots, speak of the devil, Nancy Wheeler leaning on his locker.

The last bell has long past so it's only the stragglers now wandering halls, those waiting for Band Practice to start, those just getting out of detention. 

Three guesses which one he's here for. 

Eddie hasn't seen or spoken to Nancy since their government meeting, not that either had been particularly chatty that night, but she had at least sent a grateful smile Eddie's way as one of the officials went through the whole story of that night.

So to see her now sets his teeth on edge and his stomach plummeting into his shoes.

Is it back, did something happen to Will, did another Demodog surface?

Is Steve okay? 

As if Nancy can see the terrified questions swirling around his head, she raises the hand not holding her books to her chest and says lowly, "everyone's fine". 

Eddie lets out the breath he's holding, trying to lower his heart rate, "haven't seen you around these parts Wheeler, don't tell me you need a pick me up?"

He tries for a swarthy smile but it falls flat as the adrenalin from his earlier panic is still running rampant, he runs a sweaty hand through his hair, trying to hide the slight shake.

Nancy rolls her eyes and pushes herself off the locker by her shoulder, tipping her head towards the far back door to the building. 

She says nothing as she leads him out of the school and towards his usual picnic table in the trees.

Eddie tugs his leather jacket around his torso as a harsh November breeze kicks up dead leaves and dust around the school building in small whirls. He wishes in this moment he had found a zip up closure rather than one with button snaps.

Eddie laughs nervously as they enter the treeline, "uh huh, you sure you didn't want something?"

Nancy turns to sit on top of the table, her face impassive, "Mrs. Click was still there, in her room, I don't need to have any meetings with her and my parents because they think I'm being corrupted," she lifts her hands and makes exaggerated quotations with her fingers before rolling her eyes again. 

"We can talk here," she says primly, setting her books down on the table beside her. 

Eddie grins, "you're probably setting yourself up for a meeting with the counselor tomorrow anyway, walking out of the school with me".

He kicks at a bottle cap in the grass and watches as it tumbles a few feet away. When he looks back up, Nancy is staring at him with a pinched brow.

"I'll bite, what's going on?" 

Nancy nods and it's like a switch flips, her spine straightens slightly and her shoulders square before a determined expression smoothes out her face, it's eerie how similar it is to Steve's.

"What is he to you?" Nancy asks, 

"Who?" Eddie stumbles over the word, already knowing exactly who Nancy is asking about.

She looks around now, prompting Eddie to do the same, just in case.

"I know it isn't," she hesitates for a beat as though searching for the word, "safe to talk about it, but," she blinks once, twice, "that's part of why I'm here, asking". 

"I won't see Steve get hurt, not again". 

"So," Nancy stands now, gracefully rising to her feet and stepping off the table, she takes a step closer towards Eddie, "what is he to you?"

He has a good five or six inches on her at least but the fire in her blue eyes makes him feel so much smaller in this moment. 

Eddie feels a snarl build in his chest, the words tumbling out before he can get a chance to really think about them.

"That's fucking rich coming from you, as though you didn't rip his heart out at that stupid Halloween party". 

Nancy's face pales slightly, but there's blood in the water now.

He never really had the heart to ask Steve this question, and he probably never would have been able to actually answer it. 

But Nancy can. 

"Steve is brave, fucking reckless but he's brave, and selfless, and he cares so much --about everything,"

Eddie forces himself to stay where he is, to not move, but his voice climbs in volume, carrying through the trees. 

"You had that and you threw it away Wheeler, and you come in here asking what he is to me?"

He watches as Nancy looks around them frantically watching for people, but Eddie doesn't care, he keeps going.

"He's more than some bullshit you toss in the trash".

There are twin spots of red on the high points of her cheekbones, matching the flush painting her ears, Nancy pins him with a frosty glare as she breathes out slowly through her nose.

"Well, you certainly care, don't you, that's a question answered at least".

She clears her throat and blinks again, and to Eddie's horror, her eyes shine with tears in the afternoon sun. 

"You don't know what it was like after everything last year, how hard it was".

She wipes roughly at one of the tears that rolls down her cheek, cutting it off.

"I wanted to talk about it, I wanted to tell Barb's parents what happened to their daughter, my--"

Nancy swallows roughly, her nostrils flaring, "my best friend, was dead". 

"And Steve wanted to pretend that everything was fine, that it was normal," she clears her throat and wipes at her eyes again, "and I can't do that, I don't have it in me to let it go yet". 

Eddie nods, he gets it.

He didn't understand how everyone was able to just go on like everything in the last week didn't happen, or if he will ever forget the sounds those things made as they screamed in the darkness, that people had died that night. 

He can't pretend either and it's a relief to know he isn't the only one.

Eddie opens his mouth to apologize but Nancy keeps going, her words softer this time.

"I don't really believe that Steve has been able to let it go either if I'm being honest," Nancy says, her eyes searching Eddie's face as she speaks, "he sleeps with the hall lights on, did he tell you? He can't stand the dark anymore". 

"Yeah," Eddie breathes out, "he's said it before, I didn't know about the hall, but.."

He lets the thought trail off, it makes sense. It's not as though he's been sleeping well since everything ended either. Wayne had woken him up that first night to stop his screaming and calm him down, he ended up crawling in with Wayne for the rest of the night, something he hadn't done since he was eight.

Eddie startles slightly at the sudden small hand touching his arm. Nancy pulls back almost immediately at his flinch, regret painting her face.

"Steve needs something that I can't give him,"   and I need more than he can give me, it wasn't meant to last". 

"I didn't mean to hurt him, but that doesn't mean I'm good with Steve getting hurt again and again, he has enough of that with his parents".

Eddie nods again, "have they always been like that?"

Nancy's face darkens for just a moment before smoothing out again.

"In the year we were together, I met them once," she wraps her arms around herself and shivers as another breeze rips through the clearing, "he always made excuses for why they were gone or when they would be back".

She looks up at Eddie now, her wide blue eyes still red rimmed from earlier, "he told me about you, that night". 

Oh. 

Suddenly the weighted looks Nancy had been giving him make more sense. The small conspiratorial smile.

"Yeah well, he's been avoiding me," Eddie admits softly, lifting his hand to snag a lock of hair, "so I wouldn't hold your breath".

Nancy nods and shivers against a rough gust of wind that shifts the trees and swirls the leaves around the table. She looks into the distance suddenly, her eyes catching something behind Eddie as they widen before darting back to his face.

He turns his head to look behind him, only to see Hawkins Middle through the trees.

"Steve's good at pretending, but he doesn't have the same kind of friends around him that would just accept that version of him now, he's got us --well," Nancy stutters momentarily, "he's got you, and the kids, I'm pretty sure Dustin thinks Steve's an action here now".

Eddie snorts, prompting a smile out of Nancy. He takes a small step forward before offering his elbow. Nancy looks from his arm to Eddie's face once before reaching out to curl her hands around it.

"Alright Wheeler," he says with a grin, "how do we do this? I know you've got a plan rolling around that brain of yours and I'm cold as shit so let's move this to the van".

Nancy smiles again, tilting her head towards the Middle School once more, "How do you feel about Dances?"

Tag List: Please Note the List is Officially Closed

@eriquin @luvinthefreaks @cinnamon-mushroomabomination @goodolefashionedloverboi @ellietheasexylibrarian @bambibiest @sadboislovebeans @howincrediblysapphicofyou @coleys-a-nerd @whycantiuseunderscore @airconditioning123 @xxfiction-is-my-realityxx @corrodedbisexual @starman-jpg @ilovecupcakesandtea @yoriposts @clumsiluni @pelinelin @phantomcat94 @lololol-1234 @anaibis @steveshairspray @hellfireone @eddielives1986 @sunswathe  @tentativeghost @robin-not-batman @estrellami-1 @manda-panda-monium @tinyplanet95 @perseus-notjackson @queenie-ofthe-void @rainbowsaw @sp0o0kylights @littlebluejane @hi-im-eff  @phantypurple @just-ladyme @thoroughlycollected @justrandomfandomstm @swimmingbirdrunningrock @finntheehumaneater @dynamic-powerm@nightmareglitter @genderless-spoon @zaddipax @thebiblesays @pyrohonk @emly03 @geekymagicalpotato @sidebarre @lemon-astra @cipounette @discreetapple @starlitlakes @saphhicwitchbitch @marvel-ous-m @lingeringmirth @honorarybrit81 @bookbinderbitch @finntheehumaneater  @lololol-1234 @eddie-munsons-missing-nipple @monsterloverforhire @gaydrieeen @starlight-archer @homosexual-having-tea @devondespresso @rennnnon @my-hyperfixations-hell-blog @carlprocastinator1000 @0o-queendean-o0 @emly03 @paintsplatteredandimperfect @louismeds @fruitmix

@lizzicleromance @fairy-princette @eddiethehunted

And a few people I think may be intersted!

@steddierthings @steddie-there @stevesbipanic @henderdads @spooky-brakers

Part Ten Now Up (Final Part)