#I was so sure they were gonna cut to klaus who’d be like ‘well now I guess they’re MY problem

[buildoblivionthenwewilltalk]

is anyone else a little disappointed that we didn’t get alphonso and jaime hanging around as bitchy ghosts to keep klaus on his toes

[vampirrediaries]

This Isn’t You : The Vampire Diaries Imagine {Part 4}

description: imagine you turned off your humanity switch and are now on the road with katherine pierce. feat damon and stefan salvatore.

“You sure about this?”

You and Katherine stood in the heart of the French Quarter in New Orleans, which you had suggested as the next stop for the blood binge the pair of you were currently on. Ever since you’d made your escape from Damon and Stefan, you knew being as far away from them as possible was wise. New Orleans seemed like the best option, for you at least. Katherine Pierce was another story.

“Oh please,” Katherine scoffed as she eyed the place greedily. “Klaus and I have a truce now. He wouldn’t hurt me.”

You hummed in response. A certain Hybrid was partly the reason you’d wanted to come here, him being the best ‘tourist-blood drinking buddy’ you knew. Him and his clan often feasted on unsuspecting humans who visited the city, and the thought of that made your mouth water with hunger.

“He makes one hell of a riot when it comes to feeding on tourists,” You shrug “I actually wanna have fun with our food.”

“Oh yeah,” Katherine smiles at the thought “Like when we play little games with them.”

“Exactly,” You laugh. “Plus, Klaus knows this place better than all of us, he could be our tour guide!”

The pair of your make your way further into the Quarter, trying to get familiar with the new surroundings before you planned on wreaking havoc when night fell.

“It’s nothing special,” You groaned when you took in the ancient quarter. “I wonder why vampires like it here so much.”

“Tourists, Cupcake.” Katherine hummed in response. “They just love snacking on temporary residents whenever they please.”

“I cannot say that isn’t true, Katerina.”

You knew that accented voice all too well when it came from behind the both of you, a wide grin appearing on your face when you turned around.

Klaus Mikaelson was leaning elegantly against the far wall as he looked at you with amusement. He was smeared with blood, his mouth evident with the substance. This was why you were quite fond of him. He just didn’t give a damn.

“Well if it isn’t the Hybrid King i’ve missed so much.” Klaus looked quite pleased at the sight of you. The pair of you went on multiple blood-binges when you freshly turned off your humanity.

“Y/N,” He lightly responded with a smile. “It’s nice to see you are still embracing you vampiric abilities to the fullest.”

“We had a few hiccups along the way but i managed to escape, obviously” You say proudly, referencing to the Salvatore brothers ridiculous attempts to make you turn it back on. Katherine shuffled uncomfortably at your side, still antsy about being within sniffing distance of the Hybrid.

“I didn’t expect anything less” He smirked, looking over at the doppelgänger with narrowed eyes. “I cannot say the same for you Katerina, albeit it nice to see your still terrified of me.”

Katherine didn’t say anything, but went closer to you. If there was one thing she was terrified of, it was him. Other than that, the Petrova was ruthless. Klaus chuckled humourlessly, wiping away the fresh blood from his mouth.

“Mind telling me why you’re soaked in blood?” You question, knowing all too well what the answer was when he smirked ruthlessly.

“Let’s just say my enemies have not yet figured out that i am undefeated, so i met them with their ends,”

You were excited, mainly because a blood-thirsty Klaus is a riot.

“So were you planning on joining us on another famous blood-binge? We had fun on the last one, remember?” You ask hopefully. You knew he wouldn’t turn you down, and your hopes were lifted when Klaus responded with blood red eyes.

“Where do we start?”

—————

“She’s in New Orleans.”

Stefan Salvatore was worried off as all hell with the information that was given. Damon, on the other hand, was quite frankly pissed off.

“What the hell do you mean she’s in New Orleans?” Damon slammed his and on the table in anger. “What could she possibly do there?”

Bonnie Bennett gave him a disapproving look as she blew out her candles. The brothers had come to her as soon as you’d made your escape, making her do a tracking spell. It led her to your precise location, and the sight wasn’t pretty.

“I have no idea, Damon” Bonnie sighed. “It says she’s there according to the spell-”

“She went there because she wants to feed without the worry of being caught.” Stefan cut her off as the reasoning came to him. “What better place to go when the Hybrid you’re friends with lives there?”

“Are you kidding me?” Damon groaned. “How do you think we’re gonna fight off both Katherine and an immortal Hybrid?”

“I don’t know,” Stefan responded darkly. “But what i do know, is that we need to get to New Orleans immediately before something happens.”

“Like Y/N going on a killing spree with Klaus and Katherine?” The older Salvatore responds sarcastically.

“I have an idea. It involves Matt Donovan.”

—————

You loved the feeling of it.

The thrill of the hunt had always made you feel complete, like this was the feeling you’d been searching for your entire life. Klaus knew that a vampire free of all trials and tribulations was at it’s height, and that was you in this moment. On a high.

Your greedy eyes scanned the bar, endless options available for you to choose from. It was disorienting, for human’s at least, the rock music blaring from the speakers loudly as your potential victims danced the night away without a care in the world. It was perfect, you were free to kill in plain sight.

“Have your pick, love” Klaus hummed beside you, just as hungry as you were. “The choice is rather endless.”

You downed a shot of alcohol, grinning at his deviance. You immediately went out on the floor, taking off your jacket as you joined in on the drunken dancing that you were surrounded with. The alcohol you’d consumed started to kick, enhancing your enjoyment.

Katherine was hungry as well, but didn’t risk being a care-free as you when her enemy was present. You dragged her along with you.

“C’mon, have some fun Kathy!” You drunkenly smiled. “It’s what we came here for anyways.”

“If I wasn’t starving then maybe i would,” She whined in response. Katherine was just in a bad mood because of Klaus, who looked at the pair of you intriguingly, obviously waiting for you to pick the dinner choices for tonight.

“Pick,” You urge her on, trying to lighten the mood. “I think it’s only fair that you pick our dinner for tonight.”

The doppelgänger’s expression lifted a little at that, scanning the floor ravenously. You followed her gaze, until she inevitably stopped at a group of drunken tourists hanging out by the bar. You smile.

“What about him?,” Katherine’s fangs start to slowly protrude. “Hmm, or her. She looks delicious.”

“How about all of them?” You grin wickedly, feeling your eyes going a dark red with thirst. The doppelgänger only smirked in response, flashing away to the group immediately. You swiftly follow suit.

Katherine grabbed the first person she layed eyes on, a short girl with an awful pixie cut. “You will not scream,” She compelled, grabbing the girl tight. “This is kinda gonna hurt like a bitch.”

With that, the doppelgänger sunk her fangs in the flesh she so desperately craved, leaving the other side of the neck vacant for you. The pair of you were going to kill the girl, and you didn’t care.

You swiftly did the same to the poor girl’s carotid artery, sinking the razors you harboured ravenously in the flesh. Blood immediately started to flow in your mouth, tasting like the purest form of ecstasy. You drank it greedily, wanting more of that feeling as it went down your throat.

The pair of you soon were close to sucking your victim dry, when Klaus interjected, softly pulling you away. You groan at the loss of contact.

“Weren’t you going to save some for me, love?” He chuckles darkly. Katherine retracts her fangs immediately, gazing at the girl with hungry eyes. She looked half-dead when you the pair of you were done with her, skin almost paper white due to the blood loss. She was alive, however, but not for long.

Klaus drags the victim towards him, aligning his razor sharp teeth to the bloody neck caused by yours. He plunges his fangs in mercilessly, obviously starving. The Original had little regard for human life, especially when he was in a state such as this. You stare at them without remorse as Klaus drained the body, dropping it when it was of no use.

“You were right,” You grin, wiping the blood from your mouth. “Tourists are delicious.”

—————

“I thought we would be done with this shit in New York.”

The brothers stood outside yet another bar, similarly to the situation they’d been put in before. Damon, quite frankly, was over it.

“We underestimated her,” Stefan said darkly as he eyed the place. “I had Bonnie make concentrated vervain. We just need to get her away from Klaus.”

“Let’s get this over with” Damon groaned. “I’ve had my fill of no humanity Y/N.”

The pair enter the loud bar with that, eyeing the place warily. All they could see were drunken tourists, a perfect setting for a vampire running on blood.

“Oh, she’s here all right.” Damon spoke over the music. “Look at this place.”

“Let’s just find her and sort this out,” Stefan grumbled as he began making his way into the bar. Even he had to hold his breath, the blood tempting him more than usual. Damon promptly followed suit.

Meanwhile, you were backed into a corner away from prying eyes, sucking another soon to be corpse dry as Klaus did the same. Katherine kept her distance, opting to go to the further side of the bar to soothe her appetite, but not before her supernatural hearing picked up two very distinct voices.

“Damn it Y/N, where are you?”

“She couldn’t be much farther away, Damon. Just keep looking”

Katherine groaned, knowing exactly who’d managed to find them for the second time. “Two times a charm” She grumbled to herself, letting go of her half-dead victim. How was it that the Salvatore brother’s couldn’t take a damn hint?

She trudged through the crowds, following their voices until she inevitably saw the pair standing in the middle of the crowd. She swiftly made her way to the brothers.

“You two are pathetic,”

Damon and Stefan immediately turned around, groaning with the sight of the Petrova. They didn’t want, or need, trouble from her.

“Katherine,” Damon smirked. “Well this is a sight for sore eyes. Did your back heal okay?”

“I think the pair of you are incapable of taking a hint,” Katherine hissed in response. Stefan chuckled humourlessly.

“Where the hell is Y/N?” He questioned angrily, but the doppelgänger seemed unfazed as she started making her way way back.

“Having a glorious time sucking tourists dry,”

“Damn it Katherine-”

“I have to say i’m surprised that you found us all the way over here”

The brothers whipped around immediately, and there you were. Fresh blood coated half your face as you licked your fingers clean. They were mortified.

“Y/N,” Damon breathed out at the sight of you. Stefan only stared at you with wide eyes, shocked.

“I don’t know what you think is gonna happen,” You began saying with a bored expression “But i’m not going with you, i think i made that pretty clear at the start.”

“Y/N, just come home” Stefan pleaded “We all need you back the way you were.”

You rolled you eyes at this, not wanting to go back home and sure as hell not needing to. Katherine looked as bored as ever with the scene, knowing damn well you weren’t about to leave with the pair, like this anyway.

“I want to be here, Stef” You respond nonchalantly. “If you have a problem with that, then i suggest you leave.”

Stefan looked hurt, trying to keep his composure at your words knowing that it was just the humanity switch talking. Damon, however, was done with your shit.

“Listen here,” He angrily demanded. “You can either come with us or I could make you, and trust me Y/N, the latter wont be pretty.”

“I would personally like to see you try” You chuckle humourlessly. “There’s an immortal Hybrid just waiting to sink his teeth in you, considering you did try to kill him once.”

Klaus stood at the far end of the bar, still busy feeding to listen to the conversation. Katherine scoffed, shaking her head at the brothers poor attempts at getting you home.

“I see how it is,” Damon spoke gravely motioning Stefan with a nod of his head. The younger Salvatore looked distressed, knowing perfectly well what had to be done.

“You can come out now,” Damon suddenly called out. You were unfazed, until a certain someone did the thing Damon told them to do. To Come out.

Matt Donovan appeared as if out of nowhere, barely standing on his feet with a bloody neck. You furrowed your brows at the sight of one of your best friends, Matt showing up the last thing you’d expected.

“Really?” You humourlessly chuckle, knowing perfectly well what his intent was. “You seriously think-”

“Shut up,” Damon angrily interjects. “I’m done playing nice.”

Katherine hurriedly tried to intervene, but you stopped her with your hand. She looked at you incredulously, but you didn’t care. All you wanted right now was to be rid of Damon.

“You think we can’t punish you,” Damon continued, pushing Matt down so he was helplessly on his knees. “But I can sure punish him.”

Matt looked at you helplessly, croaking out your name as he was on the brink of death.

“I will kill him right here in front of you.” The Salvatore spat out. “And if i’m wrong, what difference does it make? One less buss boy.”

“Damon,” Stefan said with a cautious tone, but he didn’t give a damn.

“Don’t Damon me,” He hissed, turning to look at you again. “Turn your emotions on or so help me God, i will give you something to be sad about.”

You felt it, the rush of anxiety slowly seeping through the hard surface of your vampirism as you looked at Matt. He was barely conscious, his throat mangled by Damon to weaken him. He wouldn’t actually kill Matt, would he?

“You’re bluffing,” You say with a slightly wavering voice.

Snap.

The events that happened after were not pretty.

You gasp, the emotions you were fighting off for so long, came in rushing like a hot wave of regret and pain as you stared at the dead body of your friend. Tears flood your eyes, completely and utterly overwhelmed at the sight as you slowly sunk to your knees.

“How about now?” Damon asked warily. “You feel anything now? Are you angry I just turned your buddy into roadkill?”

You didn’t know what to say, not wanting to listen to anything as you helplessly crawl over to Matt’s body, soundless tears streaming down your face. You felt Katherine whisk away as soon as she knew, but you were too disoriented to care.

“Remember when he was little kid, his whole life ahead of him?” He provoked you further. “The guy that everybody loved is now a bag of bones.”

You were crying soundlessly, Stefan coming around you as he held you in his arms, trying to soothe your pain.

“Guess it was a good idea that he was wearing this.”

Damon held up Matt’s hand, and the Gilbert ring was on his finger. The ring that made human’s come to life when killed by a supernatural.

“Oh my god,” You finally cry out. “Oh my god, Matt.”

Relief filled you as you grabbed ahold of your friends hand, sobbing with joy and pain as humanity overwhelmed you.

“You feel that weight lifting off your chest?” He spoke softly now, knowing that he was victorious. “That’s joy.”

You look up at him wide eyed, the feeling starting to feel familiar.

“That’s humanity, Y/N.”

masterlist

[unfortunate-stranger-losers]

Six Baudelaires AU, Part Two {AO3} {Masterlist} {Part One}

Chapter Ten → in which the In Auction is planned 

“Lilac, when we get transferred to our next guardian,” Klaus said, “If they make us wear pinstripe suits, I’m going to strangle somebody.”

“I dunno.” Lilac said. “I kind of like them.”

“Of course you do, you goth bitch.” Nick said, tossing a pen for Solitude to catch.

Living with the Squalors was certainly interesting. The Baudelaires lived close to their old home, so when Esme went to work every morning, Jerome could take them out to see their old favorite spots. Violet and Lilac dragged everyone through the Verne Invention Museum, Klaus and Nick made them all visit the Akhmatova Bookstore to look for new encyclopedias or atlases that Jerome would graciously offer to buy for them, and Solitude was excited to go to a place she’d barely noticed before their unfortunate events began- a zoo, where her and Nick would plant themselves in the reptile sections and refuse to see anything else. Sunny didn’t really care to see much, but she did often request that they stop by the Fickle Fountain, where she’d dip her hands or feet in the water and giggle. Jerome would often take them out to lunch, too, or take them to some of his favorite places, and the Baudelaires loved to hear him talk about his memories of the mountains and how their Mother tried to teach him to whistle with crackers in his mouth.

But during the afternoons, the children would return to 667 Dark Avenue, and climb up the long, long, long staircase. When they got back to the penthouse, they’d have to navigate their way through the seventy-one rooms to find where they wanted to go. Only Nick had managed to memorize a path, but sometimes even he was tired or bored and took them down a wrong turn, or they were temporarily splitting up and the group without him got hopelessly lost. They rarely saw Jerome or Esme in the afternoons- though they didn’t mind missing Esme, who only talked about what was in and out and seemed to not notice the orphans at all.

Also, the Baudelaires had been given pinstripe suits in order to be as in as their guardians, but they didn’t fit well. They often had to push or pin up sleeves, and Lilac had to help Solitude and Sunny cut theirs. They added an extra pocket inside Solitude’s, though, to hide Babbitt, who didn’t quite like the loud city or confusing apartment, and spent almost all of their time sleeping in their owner’s pocket, whenever they weren’t in the bedroom, where Solitude would play with them.

While there were many bedrooms, the Baudelaires didn’t like the idea of being separate in such a confusing place, so they found a room with two bunk beds. Violet and Nick called dibs on the top bunks, and Solitude and Sunny slept on piled pillows on the floor, with Babbitt finding a nice bed for themself on a fabric cupholder on top of a desk. Unfortunately for the frog, it was a bit hard to find bugs inside the penthouse, so Solitude compensated by spoiling them with any bugs they happened across outside the penthouse, so long as Jerome wasn’t looking- apparently, herpetology was out, so the Baudelaires weren’t sure how he’d react to Solitude’s pet.

Currently, the Baudelaires were spread out in the living room. Nick and Klaus were trying to read through a book on Emily Dickinson that they’d bought the other day, while Violet and Lilac were going through the newspaper, trying to find something interesting, or some news on the search for Count Olaf. Sunny and Soli, meanwhile, were coloring over the discarded newspaper pages as Babbitt looked for a fly they thought they’d spotted.

“It’s a bit of a mixed bag living here.” Violet said. “I don’t like being in this apartment or having to conform to social norms, but I like being able to go into town.”

“Do you think arranged marriages are ever going to be in?” Nick asked, looking up concernedly. “Cause if Esme tries to marry me off to literally anyone, I’m gonna jump from the window.”

“You’re twelve, Nick, you can’t get married.” Lilac said quietly, trying not to think about how she’d almost been married just a few months ago.

“She seems like the kind of person who’d try to set me up with some rich kid.” Nick said. “And I’m never getting married, not even when I’m older. I’m gonna live alone in the woods, and the only one who can come visit me is Soli.”

“Ihering!” Soli said, which meant something like, “I’ll live with you and we can raise reptiles in the woods!”

“I don’t know what Ihering is,” said Esme, as she walked into the room, Jerome following behind her, “But it doesn’t sound very in.”

Violet quickly stood up, blocking Esme’s view of the corner, where Babbitt had just caught their fly. They quickly hopped back to Solitude, hiding in her pocket.

“Helllo, Baudelaires! How are you doing?” Jerome asked.

“We’re just reading up on Emily Dickinson.” Klaus said.

“Ah, yes. She’s in at the moment, perhaps we could invite her over.” Esme said.

“Emily Dickinson died in 1886.” Nick said.

“Well, that’s no matter.” Esme said. “Children, I came to tell you that I will be very busy. Tomorrow, we will be hosting the In Auction!”

“What’s the In Auction?” Lilac asked, while Nick gave Klaus a disgusted look.

“It is an auction,” Jerome said, “Where everyone gets together and bids on the innest items.”

“I always organize it,” Esme said, “And it’s a smashing event!”

“Smashi?” Sunny asked.

“No, she doesn’t mean we get to smash things.” Violet said quietly.

“It is a fabulous event!” Esme said. “And all the money goes to a good cause!”

“Which good cause?” Lilac asked.

“Me!”  Esme clapped her hands together. “Every last bit of money goes to me! Isn’t that smashing?”

“Actually, dear,” Jerome said, “Don’t you think that this year we could give money to another cause? Like those starving people we read about in the paper.”

“Starving people can’t eat money.” Esme said. “Besides, if we give money to poor people, then they won’t be poor anymore. We’re going to make heaps of money this year. I had lunch with twelve millionaires this morning, and eleven of them are going to attend! The twelfth had a birthday party to attend.”

“This auction sounds like… an interesting event.” Lilac said carefully.

“Oh, Jerome, Gunther’s stopping by tonight, and I need you to take the kids out to dinner.” Esme said. “Can’t have six orphans running around distracting us from our work.”

“Who’s Gunther?” Klaus asked.

“The auctioneer!” Esme replied. “He’s the innest auctioneer in town, and he’s helping me organize! We’re discussing the catalog tonight, and we don’t want to be disturbed.”

“But, darling, I was going to teach the children to play chess tonight.” Jerome said.

“No, no, no.” Esme said. “I already made you a reservation at Cafe Salmonella for seven o’clock. It’s already six o’clock, so you should get moving. Hurry it up, you’ll have to get down the stairs.”

“I didn’t know we were going out tonight.” Klaus said. He and Lilac both shared a dislike of surprise outings, even more than their other siblings.

“Yes, isn’t it delightful?” Esme said. “You all have fun. Tell me all about how in your dinner was!”

“Will do.” Lilac said glumly, picking up Sunny.

Then she turned towards the door and let out a scream. Instantly, Nick leapt to his feet, picking up Solitude and retreating several steps. Klaus let out a gasp and ran to stand by Violet, who pushed him behind her and stared ahead.

Up ahead, Count Olaf had just entered the room.

The kids remained silent, staring in horror at the man. He was in disguise, once again- he wore high, shiny black boots that almost reached his knees, perfect for hiding a tattoo, and over one of his eyes was a monocle. He wore a long pinstripe suit, much like everybody who was in.

“Hello, please!” said Count Olaf. “Esme, are these the children, please, you were telling me about?”

“I- you-” Lilac began.

“Yes, these are the orphans!” Esme said. “Children, Jerome, this is Gunther, our auctioneer.”

“Ah, it is nice to meet you!” Jerome said.

“Please excuse the talking of me.” said Olaf, strutting in and smiling wickedly at the children. “Please, I am not fluent in the English language, please.”

“How…?” Violet asked.

“Where…?” Nick began.

“Bik…” Sunny trailed off.

Lilac recovered first, as Olaf approached her, holding out his hand. “I am happy to meet you, please.”

Lilac recoiled, and snarled, “We’ve met before. Many times before. This man is Count Olaf!”

“I am not understanding, please.” Gunther said. “Please, I am not fluent in the English language, please.”

“Yes, you are!” Kaus said.

“He’s in disguise!” Violet shouted. “And if you just take off his boots-”

“Gunther is the innest auctioneer in town!” Esme said. “I’m not going to make him get undressed just to make you feel better! Apologize to him and go off to dinner.”

“He’s Count Olaf!” Nick said. “Where are the Quagmires? What did you do to them?”

“Esme,” Jerome said, “The children do seem alarmed, maybe we should-”

“Maybe we should listen to me!” Esme said. “I am Esme Gigi Geniveve Squalor-”

She continued ranting about herself, as Jerome listened intently. As he did, Gunther leaned forwards and whispered, “I can’t be Count Olaf, please, because there’s a manhunt for him. I wouldn’t be allowed in, please. And also, if Count Olaf were to be captured, please, what would happen to the poor, poor Quagmires, all alone? Olaf’s the only one who knows where they are, and with him locked up, surely they would starve and die.”

“Whatever you’ve done to them, you’ll regret it.” Lilac hissed.

“What was that, child?” Esme turned around, finally finishing her speech.

“I…” Lilac bit her lip, and then stepped back. “I was just apologizing to Gunther. I see now that he isn’t who I thought he was.”

“Good!” Esme said, clapping. “Now, off to dinner! You don’t want to be late!”

“I’m glad everyone has stopped arguing.” Jerome said. “Children, I know what’ll make you feel better! Why don’t we slide down the bannister!”

The children looked at each other, and Solitude gave Olaf a death glare and muttered, “Fuck you,” thankfully quiet enough that the adults couldn’t hear. Lilac did, though, and she shot Solitude and Nick a glare of her own.

“Alright.” Klaus said. “Thank you, Jerome.”

“I’ll show Gunther the rest of the penthouse, and then we’ll get to work!” Esme cheered. “Ta-ta, children!”

“Ta-ta.” Sunny repeated, unenthusiastically.

Cafe Salmonella was certainly… interesting.

It was located in the Fish District of town, a place that looked, sounded and smelled like fish, due to the fact it was located near the docks of the city and had the scent of the fish that the fishermen hauled in. Cafe Salmonella itself had a theme, and that theme was salmon. The restaurant was colored like a salmon, salmon were painted onto the walls and ceilings, the waiters were dressed in salmon costumes, and every item of food served in the restaurant had something to do with salmon.

“How can they possibly make this much salmon-themed food?” Nick asked, glumly picking at his salmon ice cream. Solitude held out her hands, and he passed it to her; when Jerome looked the other way, she placed it on her lap as a treat for Babbitt.

“It’s apparently very in.” Jerome said.

“Yes. Lots of things are in.” Violet muttered.

“Jerome,” Lilac said quietly, “Do you think there’s something strange about Gunther?”

“Baudelaires,” Jerome said, “I’m surprised at you. Do you know what the word ‘xenophobe’ means?”

“Well, -phobe means ‘afraid of,’” Klaus said, “So I assume it means somebody who is afraid of something. Does ‘xeno’ mean Olaf?”

“No.” Jerome said. “It means stranger or foreigner. A xenophobe is someone who is afraid of people simply because they come from a different country, which is a silly reason to fear someone. I would have thought you three would be far too sensible to be xenophobes.”

“Of course we’re not!” Lilac said.

“Now, I don’t mean to scold you,” Jerome said, “I know you’ve had a very difficult time since your parents’ death, and Esme and I want to do all we can to provide a good, safe home for you. And our neighborhood is very fancy and safe, and if anyone saw Count Olaf, they would alert the authorities immediately.”

“But he was in disguise!” Violet shouted.

“Now, please don’t argue with me.” Jerome said. “I hate to argue.”

“Sometimes it’s useful and necessary to argue.” Lilac said.

“As siblings, we know that very well.” Nick said.

“I can’t think of a single argument that would be useful or necessary,” Jerome said. “For instance, Esme made reservations for us here, and I can’t stand the taste of salmon.”

“Huxley,” said Sunny, meaning, “Maybe if you had argued with her, you could have had a dinner you enjoyed.”

Jerome waved his hand, and their waiter approached. “I’d like to pay the bill. We don’t want the children to be up past their bedtimes.”

The waiter nodded. “I didn’t realize this was a sad occasion.”

Jerome blinked. “Why, of course it’s not.”

“Did you say-?” Lilac began.

The waiter didn’t pay attention to her, instead handing the bill to Jerome and moving away.

As they reached 667 Dark Avenue, the doorman let them in, saying, “Be careful in the lobby. Ocean decorating is in now, so it’s being repainted.”

“Oh, I wish we’d’ve known that.” Jerome said. “We could’ve brought you something from the fish district.”

“Snake?” Solitude asked, peering into the lobby. But as they walked in, they saw no reptile decorations- not even alligators or crocodiles. Solitude huffed and leaned against Nick.

“Has Gunther left?” Lilac asked the doorman.

He shook his head. “I haven’t seen anyone by the name of Gunther.”

“Have you seen anyone by the name of Count Olaf?” Nick asked. The doorman once again shook his head.

The children then headed up the long stairs, passing around Sunny and Solitude as they climbed with Jerome. When they reached the top of the penthouse, they saw Esme waiting for them, leaning against the door.

“Ah! You’re all back! Splendid! I thought I heard you coming!” said Esme. “Children, go to bed, and I’ll tell Jerome all about the In Auction we planned!”

“Is Gunther still here?” Violet asked nervously.

“Oh, no. He left a while ago.” Esme said.

“But the doorman-” Nick began.

“Don’t argue with me.” Esme said. “Off to bed.”

The Baudelaires hesitantly glanced towards each other, and then nodded.

They agreed to go to bed, but they were not planning on sleeping much.