#I will tell him I dont want to talking ever again
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#i feel the way i feel and i dont owe it to anyone to hide my sadness </3333#also i just have bpd and even somewhere many ppl have that u cant even say anything but im just having a breakdown now 🤷🏻♀️#anyway what i wanted to say is that i AM sensitive and emotional and stupid#and it does hurt so much when the person i want and love doesnt feel that way for me#and i feel bad saying stuff like this bc ppl dont really understand but#i dont feel..: a whole lot... for anyone but him thats just how it is#so he IS a loss he IS so hard to lose and thats just how i feel#and it hurts sm bc hes the only one i wanna talk to but i cant#i know this is smth most ppl deal with in life and like it's just part of being a human#i just everyday keep thinking of things that remind me of him or i read a book i wanna tell him abt and then the pain comes back#bc the thing is i kinda only want to talk to him abt it all bc i just dont /feel/ a lot talking to others#that doesnt mean i dont appreciate it or care i just dont know how to explain#maybe it's my avpd? but i just dont feel happy or nice or good or comfortable or excited or interested in the same way :((((#i dont know i barely know what im talking or thinking about#and i keep saying the same things over and over again im just so sad and it feels like i always will be#bc i have bpd and then the pain feels all consuming and like it will never end and its just so hard to deal with#and even if it might be true when ppl say stuff like u deserve love or you're gonna find someone else etc#im not ready to receive it bc i only want this specific person and i get that many ppl deal with unrequited love and its part of life#but i AM scared bc im 25 and i've never ever met anyone i feel even a fraction for what i feel for him#what if im someone who doesnt get many chances w ppl? what if im cursed to be alone and never find anyone i have a mutual connection to????#so therefore i just wanted thought believed and hoped it would be him#and yes i acknowledge that a lot of it was just me wanting that and not realizing reality but its still how i felt#and as a bpd girlie my emotions are all consuming 🥴#so bottom line is i kinda just wanna die bc i wanna talk to him every second bc im crazy and mentally ill and since i cant do that im in sm#pain hahahah :D#and i will complain abt it bc it hurts so much idk what to do!!!!! ☺️
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BACK TO ONE PIECE LETSGOOOOO
#nami put luffy in a cage.... dont let sanji see that.... again nami demonstrating how she is the strongest ever.....#why is franky the boat akshaksjskqjqk ROBIN NEARLY 1000 MILLION YEAAAAAHHHHH#sanji exploded </3 rip the smoking got to him..... luffys snapshot in the cage beaten up akdhsksjsk#jinbes theme is a banger.... buggy lmaoo chacho means president??? that is so funny... CHACHOOOO!!! also buggy owning croc money... banger#these two divas sitting cross legged on the couch bullying buggy.... ajhdkajsa buggys bounty akdhsksjsks#this whole episode was so funny lmao buggy....#talking tag#watching one piece#episode 1086#luffy wanted yamato to join the crew omg....... i mean of course but he was maaaad.... i kew yamato was a nakama for sure#marco telling luffy ace would be proud of him and smiling.... didnt that happen before and he got sad??? development#SERAPHIM?? THE NEW PACIFISTAS?? why tf does she look like hancock??? OMG MARGARET!!! FUCKING BLACKBEARD??? IN AMAZON LILY???#baby angel mihawk too??? what is this.... KILL BLACKBEARD YES!!!! THROW HIM INTO THE SEA!!! LET THE SEA RECLAIM HIM!!!#so pretty sure what garp was talking about were the seraphim pacifistas..... just keep making things worse old man sure#koby is gay confirmed see.... helmeppo got got... the downsides of being bisexual...#BLACKBEARD GOT HER!!! GET YOUR FUCKING HANDS OFF HER!!!!#episode 1087#hancock lying on rayleighs legs omg... those are her parents ALSO SHAKKY EX KUJA CAPTAIN AND EX EX EMPERESS??? RAYLEIGH?????#why does amazon lily have a giant portrait of luffy on the palace facade akdhaksjaka i mean i DO know why.....#who tf is wang zhi and what did koby do.... and blackbeard is NASTY!!!! RAYLEIGH GET HIM!!! this reminds me of shanks in marineford... a lo#koby kidnapped by blackbeard?? omg kuma....... he is alright.... why the cherry blossom petals in between them ajdjsksjwk#see how sabo is alive.... but why does koala have blue eyes and orange hair now.... luffy having a crisis#i was thinking is carobou om that fucking barrel and YES why us brook crying akdhsk what do you know#zoro using luffy's words against him.... but i dont think ace is a good example of this.... zoro and sanji fighting about who is on top....#luffy asking robin for news.... BUT ROBIN I WANT TO KNOW!!!! omg this ending???? WHAT DID LUFFY SAY???? that was beautiful.............#he said he wants to give everyone freedom i know it... and he needs to be pirate king for that.... he knew since he was a child.....#omg....... the one piece is freedom for everyone and for some reason roger couldnt do it he wanted his son to do it.....#back on my theories grind....#episode 1088#LUFFY!!!! THE MAN THAT YOU ARE!!!!
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#i felt so good after talking to my therapist about the issue w my dad#and i didnt even come to any new conclusions or anything i just told her whats been on my mind what im struggling with and why im so afraid#to confront him and she validated me#which honestly was so new to me? like everytime italked about it it felt like people didnt see the seriousness and why im struggling so muc#with it#like Why are you so afraid of your dad. Why do you have such a hard time. Just do it . Just deal with it. girl i would if it was so easy#but she didnt react like this at all & she didnt ask anything that implied she might be thinking this way too. im v blessed alhamdulillah#she suggested to tell him that i want to wear the hijab through the phone for my own safety (which isnt an option personally but i#really appreciated the thought behind it)#and she also told me that i shouldnt do it if i dont feel ready yet to face him and its like. the first time ever someone told me this lol#she said i shouldnt put more weight on my shoulders because the situation will be a lot worse if i m not prepared#i do feel ready now though ive been dealing with this for months im just so so so scared. im so scared iwant to cry all the time#anyway. ive been sleeping much worse than usually and im waking up completely covered in sweat which is#so disgusting. i was worried that im sick or smth (cancer lol) but realised it started w ramadan!!! which is when i made up my mind when#i will talk to him#may Allah help me may Allah protect me#im about to cry again aaa
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#i regret not talking more w him abt what i wanted#when he said he fantasized abt taking me away from my world and keeping me to himself i shouldve shared my fantasies too#i have this issue where i thini every word i say i need to be held responsible for#but i know that he is like me#he fantasizes abt it but wouldnt do it for real#unless it was 100% consensual#so insstead of being scared of me sharing my fantasies would mean that i'd say i wanted to for real be#non consensually kidnapped by him -_-#i wish i hadnt been so paranoid and just talked to him abt it all#bc now that i know i cant do that anymore... i dont think i'll ever be able to trust or KNOW someone well enough to do that#and like the thing is fantasizing abt being kidnapped and stuff is only smth i feel with *him*#i trust and love him. he would never be actually abusive. all of those dark sides would be safe to explore w him#like yeah it's just that i know and i understand him and i KNOW deep in my heart i'd be safe with him#that doesnt exist w anyone else and idk if i can know anyone else again :((#bc i just /know/ him well bc i get him and we were made of the same stuff#i havent met anyone before that i just know bc i feel like our souls were meant to connect#fuck... it's all making me so depressed i cant believe i fucked up my chance at like profound epic love#it IS once in a lifetime to come across love like that and i messed it up and idk how i'll ever forgive myself#like i see pics all the time that im like omg....#him kidnapping me aesthetic!!!!!! ^-^ but then im like oh yeah#i cant tell him any of this and it will never happen bc he is thinking these things abt another girl!!!!!!#i wanna die </333
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Literally gripping execs by the neck I will never give you my money again. Unless it isn't a reboot/remake. I will not hatewatch. I will not EVEN pirate. I don't care anymore and I will do everything in my power to encourage and educate my peers and anyone who will listen to me rant about this. I WILL donate to artists and writers who provide content. I will go to theaters to watch films which are Your Industry Doing What It Is Supposed To Do.
#i AM going to see Saw X- the exception to this - because it is not a reboot#it is a continuation of an ongoing story/addition to the context of a narrative i am invested in#and i have read a bit from one of the screenwriters that is him talking about it. & it seems#he cares about not just the source material but telling a unique new story with the existing world#however. this goes QUADRUPLE for children's movies#i will not ever again give my money to another loveless shameless reboot or retelling#with no respect or love for the original story#again cinderella 2015 can stay because of MANY reasons#but aside from that... i dont know yall#i need to put my money where my mouth is here#its not like i was already spending a ton watching reboots. i dont and i havent.#but i need to have a POLICY about it now#if i want to watch a reboot i better be prepared to write an essay about why and make it good . lol.#just make new shit you guys. just make an effort. just do your jobs. whatever#rant
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Why can't I be satisfied with everything? It needs to be perfect to me and I can't accept anything otherwise :(
#mine#oh boy here we go. guy last post was about has been pretty cool and i got flustered around him a few times#but i feel bad bc. i need m o r e he isnt insane enough he isnt making me go absolutely crazy i want to be satisfied but im NOT im sorry#like its quite honestly the most attention acceptance etc ive gotten but its not ENOUGH he doesnt die whenever i send a selfie#im never satisfied WHY i have unrealistic expectations !!!! i hate my brain killing and violence and death etc#i get crushes on guys who want nothing to do with me but then when one actually wants me its not enough? what is wrong with me#thrill of the chase? i cant accept being loved? what is it brain. christ almighty. im not doing anything like deliberately yandere related#anymore im just being generally incomprehensibly mentally ill 🙄 still trying to find a therapist but idk how on earth ill explain that#ill update this post tomorrow with more insanity but for now i am the sleepy tired#// ok its now 3 days later i dont feel like making another post. i think i was just having a mental illness moment as always#because he does make me insane. hashtag girl. im trying to be the smartest and calculated i have ever been with a relationship in my life#like im thinkin about it so hard bro. the future n shit. how would this relationship go. im so scared ill do something wrong its preventing#me from doing things RIGHT. im sad becaude i flipped out today over even imagining him being upset with me a little#so i was really embarrassed and it put me in a weird mood for the rest of the night but he reassured me he doesnt hate me or want me to die#every one aaalways says theyre different. i can only hope this one is telling the truth. i dont know what ill do if he isnt.#well i need to stop whining about fictional scenarios and focus on the good stuff in reality. i get along with him very well and he#is very niceys to me :3 he doesnt think im fucking insane or stupid for overreacting. i feel very comfortable gossiping and talking w him#every long time blog viewer of mine reading this like ah shit here we go again#but thats what im here for. i guess. just have to keep doing this shit until something good finally happens to me romantically hngh#i feel so strange because i have wanted and yearned for a relationship but now that i actually could have one im like WAIT#I DIDNT THINK ID GET THIS FAR 💀💀💀 bruh. and he doesnt even think im stupid hes respectful to me he checks in on me all the time#like perhaps the only person to ever actually almost match my energy in a romantic sense. there was [redacted] i guess but he didnt love me#he listens to me talk about my problems he doesnt think i complain or overreact too much. all the ridiculous cringe shit i do#he doesnt mind it. its nice to be able to be myself. and im really proud of myself for not rushing into a relationship right away
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hm. my dad is now aware that i have slept over at eriks when i visit him.
#dont love that.#he brought it up bc i have an aunt and uncle in his city and i think he was going to offer to like see if i could stay with them at some#point to visit him#he was like have you thought of visiting erik in (city)? and i was like. yeah#and he was like. have you? and i was like. yeah. and he was like how many times? and i said twice and he was like oh. where did you stay?#and i said. eriks place. and he was like. oh. well you know you have an aunt and uncle there that would let you stay right? and i was like.#yeah i know. and it was in front of my mom and sister and brother in law and HIS sister and everyone was so quiet because they know how my#dad is#and i was like in the process of leaving so i just like said bye to everybody real quick and left so im still like. agh. scawed!#idk why even its not like theres anything he can do to me its just like. god i really want to have peace with him i do not want to ever hav#another lecture from him or get yelled at by him again idk im still scared of that. and he hasnt even met erik yet and probably has a#terrible impression of him now just based off of that even though i am always telling them great stuff about him i dont want HIM to deal#with that especially because i do not think that he would take as much bullshit which he shouldnt have to but god i just have this vision o#my dad like. pulling erik aside for a talk or something if they ever meet and trying to scare him and them getting into an argument bc erik#would stand up for himself#idk who knows if that will happen im literally making up scenarios in my head to scare myself but christ. \#the thing is also at this point in my life i just like. i have to keep moving forward in like. the whole living my life without constantly#thinking about the church's and my dad and the rest of my family's expectations. I have to. I almost lied to him but i didnt and thats#really big progress but im still so scared. but whatever. do it scared. agh!
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I think a 10yo just got attached to me in genshin and if this keeps up its gonna make me not wanna play cuz I don't wanna come off as mean if I have to tell her to give me some space, but I wanna play in peace ya know?
#she came into my world i think saturday night or sunday morning. thats how long i played. and chatted for a minute then left#then the second i logged on this morning she immediately hopped in and started calling me Ed#and she was asking questions and im polite so i answered and she was like you can ask me questions#and since she asked how old i was i asked back snd she was all uh um well im 10#and thats fine to me cuz im not gonna be a weirdo anyway#but then she asked if i had a wife and i said no im not interested in girls so thats probably when she was sure i was a safe adult#and someone else joined and she dm'ed me that she didnt like him and right after he left so did she#and when i opened my world back up later she immediately popped in again#and wanted me to go to whatever a playstation party is while i was doing a quest and i had to politely tell her no twice#and then it segwayed into material hunting with her so i could still do something productive in game at least#but at one point she called me her bff and started talking about how she just got a phone#and im worried she may end up asking for my number or something. like hell nah#like. im all for being friendly and playing a game together and casual chatting. again. i have no intention of EVER being a weirdo#but shes coming off as immediately REALLY attached and i dont need to be going through shit like that again#ive had people get REALLY attached to me in some games previously and not leave me alone while im trying to play#and then they blow up at me when i ask for some space. so i dont wanna deal with that again#especially from a 10yo. i really dont wanna upset anyone by rejecting them or asking for space#but sometimes its too much and i just wanna do what i want in the game#and i kinda really dont wanna have a 10yo tailing me the whole time i wanna play#especially cuz shes 10 ya know? friends are cool but im a little too old to be a bff to her imo#i think i'll just try keeping my world closed when i log off so i wont log on and she immediately pop in first thing#i dont wanna block her off completely cuz i dont mind if she comes by every once in a while. just not all the time ya know?#personal
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its been really hard lately
#i miss my ex best friend. i dont ever cry and i cried again tonight#i wishb i knew what to do to fix everything because now i know how to act. this all changed me for the better ibe stopped doing so many#bad thinfs since than. but the pain is still here :(#negative /#delete later#im so lonely because i have friends bur i dont feel like i have any connections or anyone who either has the time to talk to me#enough or that i really want to talk to anymore. i just feel like everyones living rheir adult lives and are too busy and im still stuck in#no one i know doesnt work or doesnt go to school but me i just feel like im alone in the universe again snd wasting my life#when i had him i didnt feel like yhay i felt like i wasnr just a nothing loser. but i chose to give it up because of my selfish#impulsive choices. i wish i could shake past me and scream at her to tell her to cherish the friendships shes had at so manynpoints in our#life and nor destroy them because theyre not ''perfect''#theres nothing to gain by being so self pitying. it doesnt get you anythung
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did i make a mistake?
#sigh dawnie crush issues in the tags#so yeah fair warning#...........................................................................................................................................#idk man I just. i feel like instead of getting closer weve grown more distant ever since he asked me out and its killing me man#i dont wanna be hurt. im so fragile rn and just starting to heal from the years of trauma i faced in my family. when i try to talk#about any issue i have to him he just. ignores the text#or gives me a very dry response which hey. im not trying to say u should listen to my issues all the time. i get that some people dont want#to. but i would just much rather have someone tell me that directly yk? just a hey i dont do well with rants. but the thing is he said hes#fine with them. but then when i get nothing to address it i just. i feel hurt. like... ive started to wonder if hes just keeping the#relation for namesake at this point but ik that isnt true. weve only been dating 2 weeks or so i shouldnt judge so soon. but man its hard#to not overthink ive always been conditioned to do that. ive always been super excited when he plans a date (which he doesnt even call#a date) but when i try to plan smth its always that he has some other plan to attend to which again i get it im not the jealous date who#asks her s/o to be for her every waking moment but yk it does hurt and i feel instead of just letting it bottle up its better to admit it.#i tried to ask him to get cotton candy once and he said wed go the next day and then he forgot. never asked me a time or anything. i didnt#think of it much cuz hed gone to meet a friend outside the city and he mustve been tired. yesterday i asked him again and he said he was#again going outside the city to meet his 12th grader friend. man am i jealous of that girl who gets to spend more time with the guy#who asked me out than ive collectively spent with him#and no i dont mean this in a toxic way like “oh hes meeting other girls he shouldnt do that” i just. man i pictured so much out of my first#relationship. and i got nothing. not one thing out of it. i guess it makes sense cuz my love language is mostly physical touch and u cant#really do that in a campus in India. and its also wrong of me to hold him to such high standards of a perfect relationship when the guy#himself has been in one for the first time (i assume?) but like i said id rather not try to hide my emotions and express them out openly.#theres still so much more about this that i feel wrong but the thing is its confusing cuz i feel like the two years of torture in my house#has made it so that the trauma from never hearing i love you wnd words of affirmation from my parents has been reflecting off this place.#its wrong of me to do this but i expected everything that i couldnt recieve to be fulfilled in a relationship and i now realise how stupid#i was yk? cuz its wrong of me to put such harsh expectations on him like that. i feel like such a shallow person for getting depressed over#a relationship that has just been going for 1 week#theres also the thing where he generally seemed more excited to talk to me before? and now i just get the dryest responses ever out of#which no conversation can be built. and again im not expecting him to be online and respond immediately but a thoughtful response goes a#long way. again ik im being so harsh on him cuz its his first time too and he must be facing the same awkwardness im facing but jesus. i#ok my tags are over im continuing in a reblog
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brain has two options:
either certain urges are not distractable and bad stuff ends up happening
or they are distractable despite the strength of the urges at the time and so I must be faking it
can't win can I
#earlier they hit like a truck and i voice called a friend immediately and staved them off that way#now i felt them coming on again and jumped up and turned off the lights quickly so that id have to find in the dark and that has#succeeded for now even though i still feel them but they are controllable#just. cannot win with my brain#sometimes i dont know waht to do#because i dont see a way out of this#i just don't#to tell the truth i don't see myself surviving til march#puddleglum hours#i think i could die happy to the music im listening to now#and when i close my eyes every night i dream of dying#every. single. night.#and oh at this moment i ache for something stronger than merely self-harm#and it's times like this i understand people drinking#if i ever got drunk it would be to forget nothing more nothing less#hate the taste of alcohol#sometimes I'd do nearly anything to forget for a time#and a friend is talking to me and being lovely and sweet and i am here#longing to tell him that all i want right now is to slit my throat#but i won't#i won't tell him#and i won't do it#but i want to#but i won't tell him because he has enough to deal with at present#is this at a point at which i could reasonably call a suicide hotline? probably#but im not truly in danger just coming close to it and also my phone is a way away#and i dont know if i would trust myself to get up right now and go through the house to find my phone anyway#but i have people i can skype call or smth rn if i needed it so like#im safe i just don't want to be#oh what a mixed up mess this all lis
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Your breakup really really reminds me of my first (and only) wlw relationship/breakup everything you're saying hits home a lot. You will get through it but tbh it's so hard to heal and it still grinds my gears when I think about her and how we broke up. Idk if that helps but I understand what you're going though
YEAH MAN ITS TOUGH OUT HERE FR!!! its not my first queer relationship but like something about this is genuilnely the most world-shattering romantic experience ive had cuz we went into this soooo head over heels for each other like we were literally moving SO fast. and at the time i was like is it ok for us to even be moving this fast (probs tmi but we were literally making out shirtless by like 2nd time we even made out) (probs not a big deal to most people but i experienced a LOT of new things with her that id never experienced befoer & the fact that i was so WILLING to do it so fast was what surprised me the most) but then i was like okk whateverrr i really like how fast we're moving. and i was like 'damn if were moving this fast & if im feeling so good it has to end soon right like theres no way life is going to let me just be happy w this' and then i was like 'no elts not think about it' and then what do you know 5 months later she brekas up w me. and neither of us did anything wrong but it was so random??? like i dont understand how one moment shes telling me how excited she is to spend the entire semester with me and then literally 36 hours later tell me shes not feeling an emotional connection but wont even give us the chance to work it out. i know she also broke it off for personal reasons but its like... this was something we could have TRIED to work out you know!!! maybe it wouldnt have worked in the end but literally nothing felt off to me at all & if id known she was feeling this way i wouldve done my best to make things better. the entire breakup was so sudden and honestly im really not mad at her because i know how nerve-wracking it is to be in your first relationship. i think its just that im really dispapointed she gave up on us so easily you know??? didnt even give us a chance to figure it out
#sorry you didnt ask for a rant but man im not even going to lie the main reason i even rant about this on tumblr is cuz its so much easier#than talking to my friends#not cuz theyre not kind & underestanding and stuff. i mean just generally ive always been better at saying things by writing anonymously#like i never cry on my friends but this was the first time ive ever done that and even then#every time i tell someone i broke up with her i generally dont feel anything i feel like im just retelling a story#other than that one time i cried on my firend#like its just so much easier ranting on tumblr than telling my friends. also if eel really bad ranting to my friends#cuz i know they care abou tme but also like how much of 'i want her back' are they going to take yk??#every time i get tipsy i start complaining about how much i miss her and these past few weeknds my friends have heard an earful of tipsy me#like i jstu dont wnat to burden them like that#but yeah anyway. i feel you anon this shit is so hard#and i feel like the other thing is when its a hetero-presenting relationship friends find it easier to be like 'fuck him / her!!'#and obviously thats not always going to make the person feel better cuz EVERYONE is complex but in a way its nice feeling that support from#friends. but my dating experiences have always been queer and i feel so guilty any time someone says 'fuck them! youre out of their league'#because like the thing about queer dating is i feel so much more understood and it all feels so much more intimate#and when you cant even get a 'fuck them' from your friends it just feels so alienating in a way#idk how to explain it#obviuosly if the ex is a cheater then its valid to be 'fuck them' but in my case none of them have cheated & theyre both very copmlex peopl#weve all done probelmatic things to each other yk#i think its just like. how am i suposed to get over her when our relationship doesnt feel like it should have ended at all#like it was NOT our time!!! NOTHING felt off or wrong or anything!! i thought we were really happy!!#i think she broke it off in part because she was afraid of the moment things went wrong but man this hurts much worse#cuz at least if things started going wrong it would make SENSE to break it off. but BEFORE things go wrong? this pain just feels unnecessar#anyway heres to hoping my insta stories trying to look hot convince her that she messed up and she should totally date me again#and well live happily ever after for at least a few more months#anon tag#asks
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i wish there was a way for me to likeee. semi change this one thingin this one mod. but 1 im not a modder 2 i feel like thats disrespectful. i just want sort of an inbetween between the game and this mod but that is not a thing that exist... sigh
#NOT COMPLAINING ABT THE MOD just personal preference im not saying the mod bc i dont want it seen as an attack but basically i like mods#that add a bit more realism while also keeping some stuff yfm... like 4 example Random example unrelated i like the idea of Having to decid#what to do with the remains of a dead sim and having the body stick around but i also like having the grim reaper appear.... so in my ideal#death mod the sim dies and then the grim reaper shows up to like. take their soul but the body stays. im not a modder so idk how possible..#also ig that kind of doesnt fully make sense since the ghosts r still afoot so ig itd just be him severing the connection btwn the body and#soul right. not taking anything... which i suppose is what he does in the basegame is he severs the connection and then takes the body w/#him. which is kind of funny. whats he need that for is it just courtesy or is he doing smtg w/ them. bc ik you get the gravestone/urn when#they die and those r the remains but like. ? he just like. conjures those doesnt he. body vanishes and then those appear. does he just#rearrange the atoms of the body into those things. bc i dont subscribe to the idea that he actually digs a hole for the corpse idt theres#anything down there bc u cn put a basement right under a grave and no issues. so i think he magics the bodies away and then either somehow#transforms those bodies into the appropriate grave marker (unclear on if theres even actually ash in the urn like is that mentioned. OR he#takes them leaves the urn and gravestone and then just has the bodies to do whatever with. WHATS HE DOING !!! is it a nice like Ill just#handle this so they dont have to (presumptuous. caring for a body is a rly important thing in many cultures and it can be a great way to#process a loss for some ppl (not all obviously. grief is very personal this is one of my autism things sry)) but ig in simnation society it#isnt that important Evidently. but idk... either hes taking them as a favor to help out/soften the blow bc obv nobody Likes seeing the grim#reaper olive sit down. connor sit down. so hes like well ill handle this. or is it something more nefarious WHTS HE DOINGG tell me. i think#funny to imagine he just teleports the body elsewhere ik he prolly just destroys it but its kind of awesome to imagine theres a giant magic#crematorium and like. a columbarium. idk why i assume cremation itd just save space in his. realm? i he has a realm. if i were him and i#didnt have a realm id be kinda pissed id call the watcher and be like heyyy um... yk. but ya i think thats cool bc i love lands of the dead#gotta be one of my favorite things (autistic) and i think its just cool to imagine a place where the remains of every person whos ever live#r kept. be that their soul as is traditional or their literal remains in this case. isnt that kind of cool.. love it. but again we probably#arent supposed to rly think abt it he prolly jut vaporizes them into nothing. i just wanted to have fun... bring a positive sort of vibe.#anyways. i would like to be able to have The body just bc i think thats cool and i think itd be awesome to have a mod that adds in more#grieving practices from around the world but obviously thatd be like. HUGEscale bc there are a millionnn different ways to grieve. and its#all so interesting to learn abt. read from here to eternity. by caitlin doughty. smiles <- it doesnt cover Everything obv but it talks abt#lot of stuff from around the world in a rly respectful way and its incredible to read abt and learn. my autism . but i genuinely love#learning abt grief and mourning and funerary practices in other cultures i rly wish that so many practices werent lost to colonization wher#ppl were forced to abandon their way of caring for their dead just bc it seemed ghoulish or barbaric or whathave you to the missionaries et#idk. id put death it up there with food as one of the biggest cultural signifiers...i cant continue the tag limit. wtvr. u get it
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tfw my sister is chill with our (half-)brother and also texting and whatever
meanwhile I regularly forget he exists, have no sibling connection to him at all, nor am I interest in it, and if I think of him I get upset lmao
#cylas speaks#bc he went no contact with our dad when he was. idk. like 12 years old. so... 2006?#been resolute with that all this time. doesn't give dad any chance. dad says even he doesn't know what happened.#never tried to get into contact with my sister and me. i coincidentally discovered him on facebook bc he was friends was a cousin lmao.#and yeah idk i cant imagine a reason to just literally not talk to dad this long. figured that maybe when he got older he would at least try#overall theory is that maybe his mum told him shit. because people talking shit and lying about each other just is a thing here.#but yeah if my sister wants to be friends with him ok#i dont want to play happy siblings with someone i dont know and who blatantly did not care before i contacted him on fb#like maybe he has his reasons etc#but all i know is how sad and hurt and legitimately confused dad is#and we're talking about someone who hardly ever shows his emotions. maybe at his mum's funeral.#and like. he isn't getting younger. 63 now.#so yeah that's that#bc even my sister has gone through a straight up hateful towards dad phase (that was at least somewhat fueled by our brother :))#but has grown out of it and can reflect on it all now#also brother did have contact with my mum and it's all chill#and she arguably is/has been worse lmao#like dad was/is emotionally distant which isn't great growing up#but he also always had to take over responsibility when mum relapsed again#and lemme tell you it messes with you when the emotionally supportive figure in your life who also always tells you how she'll always be l#there for you etc just is not reliable at all#anyway there's a lot of emotions and i just talked with mum about it (who also doesnt know what happened) and cried a lot and now head hurts
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the thing you need to understand is that mario is not a young skinny guy. mario is a kindly old uncle to me. and he's fat, and thats fine. like. he's like an uncle who would babysit you as a kid and he never yells at you and would make you the best plate of spaghetti you've ever had, and when he leaves you can't wait to see him again. he loves going on adventures and he loves his brother and he loves the mushroom kingdom. and like he's a silent character in the RPGs but (to me) in the sense that he's just a quiet, humble guy who prefers to listen and when you're talking you can tell that he's listening and he cares. if you got interrupted in mid-sentence by someone else, mario would ask you to carry on where you left off when there was a chance. if you were walking in a group and you had to stop to tie your shoe, and everyone else went on without you, mario would wait for you patiently. i dont mind if you ship him and peach but to me he doesnt rescue her because of romantic love, he's just a good guy who wants to help out. this is my truth. mario is not Crisp Rat. mario is a nice older man and i stand by this. i love you mario mario.
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#no one reads my blog but whatever tw suicidal thoughts#im carrying so much guilt for many reasons and foreal it feels like dissapearing its the only way i wont feel so shitty#hadnt had ideations this bad in at least 4 years#but if i were to carry out my death#how do i do it so its not messy#what will my mom do -in the middle of her cancer treatment#barely processing the deatb of both her parents#what will be of my sister#she has barely been in a good emotional place ever#what will be of her if her sibling kills themself#what will be of my mesage of oh wow life is beautiful and so worth loving#how would my partner cope with me dying#he hasnt had it easy either#not even my death is mine#do i leave a mesage#it would be my one shot to tell the truth and everything else comes to the grave with me#how much do i say#i dont want it to hurt either#i could cope with cutting myself again but i dont want the pain#i feel like a coward#i wish i could sh right now but it would be noticed quickly#if i tried to cover my partner would know somethings off inmediately#and except for him i dont have anyone to talk to#i feel so incredibely lonely sometimes#no money for therapy either#i wish i could have some drug to sleep for a couple of weeks or similar#so i could get some relief#but i have to be careful with drugs as i hate puking
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