#I wish i wasnt so bloody overdramatic

[smallerthanmilk]

I am not sure what to even title this one with

Recently, I feel like my ability to communicate my intentions and emotions has really gatecrashed. This is probably half to do with the often overwhelming emotions I have now that I started the pill. (I find myself feeling very angry or easily agitated or fearful or worried far more easily to the point where I am forced to register and deal with the emotions.) Before, I was often able to override my emotions with logic and then point out ignore them if they persist, however I am no longer able to do that. It kind of sucks. I miss my own emotionless self, I miss being able to function off of logic and fact rather than a guttural instinct that I KNOW doesn’t even make much sense.  I woke up this morning feeling like a brick lay on my chest, and the sort of nervousness and sickness of fear and anxiety, as if I was about to perform, hovered. I’ve never really had such a fear overwhelm me, especially just after sleeping, and all I wanted to do was just sit in bed and ignore the emotion and the world around me and hide under the covers until I fall back to sleep. So I did for a bit. And then I got a message, and my friends were trying to organise meeting up next week. I think it was because of that my high level of discomfort sort of got focused, and my brain then did a backwards form of logic and based my discomfort to then be put to some sort of reason, and the reason it gave was that they all hate me.  This is kind of based off of the last blog post about trust too, I was fine up until like four days ago when suddenly my brain caught itself up and was like ‘shit you trust one of these friends far too much’ and then put my expectation of interactions to be a negative result. So already I guess I was slightly fearful to actually talk in the group chat. We had chatted (all of us) the night before on PS4 but I didn’t really speak much. (When you’re brain is doing that thing when it is trying to point out all the reasons they should dislike you it makes it hard to put anything into the conversation unless it’s asked for). I always feel like I make a fool out of myself when I speak anyway. I always say something odd or weird or controversial or mean and, I don’t know, speaking is more instant than text. You can’t hide behind well constructed and thought through sentences, its there in their ears before you maybe have even registered what you said. 

I use to be laughed at in secondary school when I messed up my sentences. Often nervousness would cause my brain to fuck up the sounds I was saying. For example, I was ‘selling’ a product for my English speaking exam, and I said “Peruvian oranges” rather than “Parisian Origins”. I also pronounce diamante as Die-mont-ay and got laughed at. I’d never heard the word pronounced before (but I had read it in text) and I hate the fact that I got laughed at for my mispronunciation. I refuse to say that word because I still don’t know how to actually enunciate it. 

I found the laughter of the class funny, I found myself funny, I was laughing with them, don’t get me wrong. If I hadn’t also laughed I’m sure they wouldn’t have laughed too. But it sort of is the on refection that I can see and really register the fact that the laughter was at me, it was because of my own mistake in speech and that I was the only one who ever messed up and was laughed at for it. I felt like a bit of an outcast or a bit more stupid than all these fully developed conversational encyclopaedia type of grammar school kids that I was surrounded by.  Normally I can just completely ignore the discomfort I have when speaking. I speak all the time, and when I know everyone it’s easy to forget and just enjoy my time I have talking to them. But sometimes as I said, my brain gets in the way and starts trash talking me. It’s hard to feel great and ignoring when you have an unstoppable bully whispering your own downfalls in your head. Apologies for the slight tangent; back to the point at hand.  They were discussing a meet up next week, and unfortunately Tuesday seems to be the only day everyone else can do, and it is the only day I can’t do. I point out I don’t need to be there. (Admittedly my brain was already putting a slight anxiety on seeing them all and my brain was doing a way up of meeting up vs not planning anything so I can just sleep and ignore the world, and sleeping and ignoring the world was kind of winning (however I also know I would hate missing out on the banter, and I would really regret not seeing my friends. I love them all to pieces, so I will go, I just need my brain to hear that properly). And then the suggestion of playing a mock sort of battlefield 1 with nerf guns came up. And My gut reaction was “No. You are going to fail and look stupid. You will get hurt.”  meanwhile, everyone else was stating how cool it would be. I voice my hesitation on the idea, and internally i agree it would be cool but also I half believe the line of my stomach, it’s not for me. The fear spreads to that, and I ask if I can think about it. I kind of am sure (although not 100% sure) That once this big mood of today has passed I will be up to it and I know I will be able to probably enjoy running around with nerf guns shooting at each other. I just have never done it before and I have never used a nerf gun and I feel like I will just look fat and overweight and stupid and yes why should I care what my friends think of me. I know they don’t see that, but I do, and it feels shit, and the fear spreads more. 

My brain then just did a ‘well they probably hate you’, and thus starts mentally screaming about how they don’t want to hear what you have to say, that they don’t care, how you make their lives so much worse, how I am a letdown..... ya da ya da ya da. It’s not the healthiest of thought trains, and it quickly spirals down. It’s really not been a good morning for my head. And then the words of ‘you should just leave’ pops in. And it becomes a mantra, repeated over and over again. And there’s no argument I can give to get it to shut up. I then think, okay, I know how to make it quiet. I know how to make all the fear go away, and that’s just to shut everything out and to temporarily remove myself from the chat.  And then, the breakdown of communication happens again. There’s no easy way to be honest and say ‘as of currently I am being convinced by my consciousness that you all hate me for not wanting to do the whole thing with nerf guns and being a spoil sport. Also, just because I am me.’, so I think of something to say to reassure them, like an pre-apology for what I’m about to do. I type up the words “Hey, I’m sorry, I just need a little space, but I will be back” But as it stares at me in the enter your text bar, I realise how stupid and over-dramatic it sounds. I know my actions and emotions are currently being really over-dramatic. I hate being over dramatic. But I really, just want my brain to shut up and be quiet.  A bit of me, also wonders if I will be back in the chat. “This is your opportunity to just block them. To just push them all away before you get hurt. They don’t need you, they don’t want you. They don’t like you.” It whispers in the back of my head. Again, real healthy head you have there Smallerthanmilk. R E a L he a l th y.  And I know that’s not the case. I know if they didn’t like me or intended to hurt me or didn’t want me there they would’ve said ages back. I wouldn’t have got so close to them. They wouldn’t be the majority of my remaining friends.  But I don’t know. In a self-destructive manner I kind of think it might just be for the best that I just let them go. I know my heads going to get worse and put strain on it more and more until something happens. Until they decide and they see they are better off without me. Until they do hurt me. And I know they aren’t Abbie and Lauren. And I know I should give them the full chance. But I know it will also end in pain and destruction and I’ll be left behind like I always am. And this is my chance to cut it out now, to stop the pain before it gets worse.  I know that the definition of insane is to continue to do the same thing and expect a different outcome, and it feels insane to continue to hope and trust people. But it Isn't the same. They aren’t everyone else. They are all completely unique from anyone else I have ever known and it may end up different. I just have to have the optimism for that. But today is not an optimistic day. This is not an optimistic morning. This is sad, this is alone. This is the belief I deserve to be alone. It’s the only way my brain remains any sort of semblance of normal anyhow. And I leave.

Then they message me, asking if I am okay, saying that I can talk to them if I need.  And I know there’s far too much to even begin to explain what’s going on in my head and I can’t just put it on them. I sound insane, don’t I?  It seems almost attention seeking to even say any of this. I sound like I just want attention. I mean I do, but this isn’t pretending. This isn’t made up. This is real and it’s my brain and for god sake why can’t I just be normal. I know it’s just a bad day and my fears and worries and depressive outlook on it all will remove itself soon but it feels constant and forever and I feel so lost and alone. This isn’t a depressive episode, this isn’t anything even vaguely normal like social anxiety. I don’t know anyone else who gets so mentally pent up and self-destructive. And I’m angry. I’m angry at my Mum. I guess I kind of blame her for this. I think it’s fair. I want to say “I know I shouldn’t blame her” But that isn’t and won’t ever fully be true.  I’m angry, and that’s alright. I’m alone though, and that doesn’t really seem to be alright. No-one really knows me. No-one even reads this. I’m just typing out essays to myself, trying to understand my head and all I am coming to realise is just how messed up it still all is.  I don’t think I will ever be able to truely recover from this.  I’m fearful that I am going to cause the downfall of yet another friendship, and it won’t just be myself and one person I hurt.  I feel lost. I feel like I already know I am too much for anyone to ever be able to deal with. Some days I am completely fine. Other days, even I overwhelm myself. And I want it to stop. I want it to all go away. 

But it won’t.  The sun will return, but the storms will always follow.  I would like to point out this all sounds far more edgy than it really is. I am still functional, I am still able to type and talk, I am just very hesitant and I feel overwhelmed at the moment. There are many negative feelings and emotions expressed in this but I promise I am okay. You don’t need to worry about me all that much as I know it is just today. I’ll be better tomorrow. I am unsure whether I should tweet about this one. It’s far to recent and far to personal and I do not wish to show my insanity.  But at the same time, no-one reads these anyway, so why the bloody hell not?