#I wish it was more obvious that I liked women everyone assumes I'm straight

[myangelscrimson]

Women with glasses and dark/curly hair.

[lucienarcheron]

Ok but expanding on the wingman idea - I wish you would write a fic where the women of Prythian come together to make Elain see reason. Picture this they’re all at some big party with all the courts, and Lucien is BUSY. Elain’s watching while the man is dancing with Nuan, Cressida, Vassa, oh what’s this? Feyre wants a turn with her old friend? Ok that makes sense- wait…Nesta?? But she doesn’t even like him?? Meanwhile Lucien’s just like 🧍‍♂️

Ohohohoho. Do I love this or what!

Elain is trying to ignore these weird... territorial feelings she's getting? Why? Why is she feeling this way? They don't...interact that way. He let her be, per her preference and Elain had certainly never given him any ideas that she felt otherwise.

Not that she'd been able to stop herself from thinking about him before bed. Or how he appears in her dreams. Or how she still hears his heartbeat. She would never tell anyone that she knows exactly when he sets foot in Velaris and is hyperaware of him at all times. No one needed to know that.

He was friends with Feyre. Of course, they'd dance together. She didn't need to pay attention to how they laughed. Or how smooth of a dance he was. Of course, he'd dance with Vassa, they were also close friends. They lived together and no, she was not feeling some kind of emotion associated with the color green at that thought. It was none of her business what he did or where he lived.

But those other women...who were they? Why was he so comfortable dancing with them? She could casually ask Feyre about it later but she didn't want to make her curiosity obvious...but Nesta? Dancing with Lucien?

Why? Since when did her older sister have a friendship casual enough that she danced with him?

Elain was barely thinking straight, running mostly on annoyance when she oh, so, casually bumped into him at the refreshments table and he apologized graciously as if she wasn't the one to bump into him.

"Giving yourself a much-needed boost after all that dancing?" she said, attempting humor but even to her own ears, her tone sounded tight.

Lucien only lifts a brow. "It has been a fun night with friends."

Elain hums, a finger tapping on the flute of champagne in her hand. "Yes, it seems like you're enjoying yourself."

"I am," he said, then tilted his head, watching her curiously. "Is there something I can assist you with, my lady?"

And Elain tried not to shiver at the term he always used with her. Always so polite. Always with manners. An awkward silence filled the space between them and Elain knew Lucien would always work on her pace. He would wait for her to initiate anything more than a conversation — as annoyingly respectful as he was.

Elain pursed her lips and before she could think too long about it, she knocked back the glass of champagne and cleared her throat.

"Are you going to ask me to dance?"

Lucien paused, a slight color staining his cheeks, and straightened. "I would've assumed you preferred I stayed away from you."

The next words slipped out before she could stop them. "I would not prefer that. Especially when you're dancing with every female in the room but me."

His lips twitched and Elain promptly wanted to die. She didn't even like him, right? Why did she care if he danced with her? Why was she even talking to him in such a public event?

But now she had brought attention to it and it seemed like she cared and oh gods, was everyone watching them? She felt herself turn more and more red by the minute, frowning.

"Nevermind. I —"

"I would be honored to dance with you," he said and Elain blinked at him as he watched her with amusement.

"Oh."

"Given that you're dying to dance with me."

"I'm not dying to —"

"Too late, you can't take it back now." he joked and Elain made a noise of protest until she saw the twitch of his lips. He was teasing her, that rake. "I just hope you can keep up."

Her eyes narrowed and suddenly her heart began to pump so very fast. She was going to dance with him. With her...mate. And maybe it was the drinks, maybe it was the general atmosphere of the party, and yes — maybe it was because he was handsome and she wanted to show everyone else exactly how well she danced, that Elain lifted her head, jutting her chin in a challenge and said, "Let's hope you can keep up with me."

[xxisxxisxxis]

Gateway Drug | Part Eighty-Eight

Very late, I'm sorry, I just couldn't post it without tweaking things here and there because I'm a little bitch that wants to get this right. I hope everyone has had a good Christmas!!

Words: 4k

Warning(s): explicit language, mentions of drug abuse, explicit sexual situations

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"It's not a death sentence, Viv." Sharise assures me in the back of the limo. 

"I've really been a lunatic, Sharise, and it's not just because people have overexaggerated about how I've been acting--it's because I've actually been fucking crazy." I state as she sips her champagne. "I have a diagnosis and new medication to prove it." 

"Is it ever gonna go away?" She asks me next, furrowing her brows a little. 

"Nope, but it sure as shit can get worse." I tell her. "There's two strains of it and I have the second one which is just shorter spells of mania--a.k.a being a fucking looney tune--and leaning more depressive--a.k.a staying in bed for three months straight and not wanting my husband to touch me despite just getting married." 

"You're not crazy." She argues, lightly kicking at my leg with her heel. "You just have an imbalance in your brain. It's annoying, yeah, but you're not crazy." 

"I just don't want Nikki to leave me over this. Nothing screams stable marriage like bipolar disorder and heroin addiction." 

"Shut up, you're okay, Nikki's okay, you guys will be okay." She assures me. 

I think back to what his therapist wants us to do Wednesday...I can't tell him I'm pregnant. I haven't even told Duff and he should be the first one I tell. 

I feel like as soon as I tell Nikki, it really will be over. 

I get nauseous, my mouth watering. 

"I need air." I pull the sunroof back and stand up, try to calm down, my eyes closing and my head leaning back as we stop at a red-light. 

I hear the obnoxious rumble of a motorcycle coming to a stop in the lane beside us, and groan. 

"Whew!" I hear a familiar voice call. "Your old man let you outta the house?!" Robbin yells over his the noise of his bike and I look over. 

"He's in rehab!" I reply. 

"No shit!" He chuckles. "Whatcha doin'?!"

"Getting some air!"

"There's plenty of air over here!" He informs me. "Come get on!" He gives a grin. 

"I'm good!" 

"Oh, c'mon, Viv, I've only had a couple shots!"

"Couple shots of what, is the question!" I reply. 

"I'm not high!" He states. "Come on!"

I look at him, considering it. 

"You look too damn good to be riding around in a blacked out car where nobody can see you!" He adds and I roll my eyes. "Come get on the damn bike, Viv, a couple blocks won't kill you!" 

I rub my lips together, seeing that the light is gonna turn in a minute. 

"You're gonna get me in trouble!" I say, going to pull my heels off. 

"Not much more than what you're already in!" He says back. 

I sigh out and start to climb out of the sunroof and he puts his fingers in his mouth and whistles loudly before he ignores the cars behind him and kicks the stand of the bike down, coming and grabbing my waist to help me down the car. 

"You look like sex on ten-foot legs!" He adds and I shake my head, pushing at him playfully as we get on his motorcycle. 

"Where the hell are you going?!" Sharise pokes her head out of the roof. 

"I'll catch up to you in a minute!" I tell her.

"Viv--" the light turns green and Robbin doesn't waste any time with getting gone, cutting Sharise short. 

I don't know if it's the loudness of the bike, mixed with the wind and Black Sabbath blaring through speakers I'm assuming he managed to beg someone to build into the Harley, or him smelling like a bar, so I know he's probably drunk and I'm focused on not getting myself killed, but I manage to get my mind off of all the bullshit that just seems to keep getting heaped on loads at a time.

We get to the Cathouse, eventually, which is where Sharise and I were headed, and Robbin comes to a stop and parks his bike and I swing my leg back over the side and put my heels back on, reaching for the strap to buckle it, but failing. 

Before I can grab it, he's crouching down and putting my foot on his knee, fastening it for me before he does the other. 

"Thank you." I tell him as he finishes. 

"Wouldn't want you to break a nail." He replies sarcastically.

"Ha ha, smartass." I state and he chuckles, standing up, as I think back to earlier. 

"What 'trouble' am I in?" I ask him. 

"You think I didn't see you come running in with Duff while Nikki was OD'ing?"

"You managed to see that while you were running out of the room to get outta dodge?" I ask him, smartly. 

"I helped Slash's girlfriend for a minute while they were getting you and Duff." He explains. "I got out of there before you had a caniption and killed all of us." 

"I wouldn't have killed you." I argue. "Make you wish you were dead, sure, but actually kill you, no." 

He smiles a little and rubs his lips together. 

"So, Nikki knows about you two?"

"Yeah."

"And he still wants to work things out?"

"Yeah...no reason for him not to when he cheated on me with Vanity, first." 

He just smiles and nods. 

"I'm glad you two are doing that." He tells me. "I was really bummed when I heard he'd filed for divorce." 

"Well, we're not outta the woods yet." I mumble and he furrows his brows. 

"What do you mean?" 

"I'm knocked up, Robbin." I blurt, and he looks down at me with this expression on his face of confusion and unamusement.

"That shit's not funny, Viv." He states to me.

"I'm fucking pregnant, Robbin, I'm not trying to be funny." 

I snap out of it when Robbin repeats his question, "what do you mean?" 

"Oh, sorry...I don't know...I forgot what I was gonna say." I say next, wishing I could actually tell him I'm pregnant.

When we get inside and get to VIP, Sharise is sitting with her arms crossed, brows raised at me when I sit down. 

"What?" I ask her. 

"You ditched me for a boy." She tells me, pouting. 

"I didn't ditch you." I reply. 

"You so ditched me."

"...Yeah, I did." I admit, smiling and she nudges me with her elbow, saying, "you better be glad he's cute or I'd be more pissed over it," and I laugh as she finishes her drink.

After a night of dancing and pretending I'm not reaping the consequences of my exponential crisis, I'm dropped off at home. 

When I get inside, I see flowers on the small table in the foyer, and smile a little, seeing the little card that reads, "VIVIAN." 

I pluck the paper from the vase and turn it over to read it. 

See you Wednesday

—Nikki

My smile grows wider before slowly falling. 

I'm not sure he'll even want to be with me after Wednesday. 

I feel guilty because I know he's probably decently looking forward to getting all of this over with and starting over, yet here I come with a damn baby. 

Putting the card back with the flowers and placing them on the kitchen counter, I go to my bathroom to get a shower. 

Once I'm done, I'm staring at myself in the mirror, studying to see if there's any noticeable changes…

My boobs are slightly bigger, nothing too, too obvious--I guess Doc's observant. 

I do look like I'm glowing a little bit, but I can blame that on starting fresh with Nikki and how happy I am because of it. 

I open the bathroom drawer and pick up the little ultrasound picture I had taken. 

A sick part of me has been hoping I'd miscarry by now so I wouldn't have to turn mine, Nikki's and Duff's lives into a shitshow, but I was told the baby's healthy. 

I'm not sure why the hell my body refused to grow anything in it, I guess I should've looked into it after my third miscarriage in a row, but I didn't want to pry at myself. I just wanted to forget I was pregnant at all. 

I regret that, now, though...I don't want to get a couple months in and BAM! no more baby, like in the beginning of '86. I should've looked into it earlier and so I could have figured out what was causing it so I couldn't let it happen anymore. 

Despite us not speaking in years, I was certain my mother had, indeed, still managed to screw me over one last time. My uterus was septated and had gone unnoticed in ultrasounds for years--either by the hands of shitty technology or shitty technicians and doctors that didn't say anything about it. Apparently it was a genetic mutation that women could be born with and was a mystery in itself, but a part of me always blamed my mom.

September 1987

"Wait, wait, wait," I chuckle, Duff's lips on my neck. 

Before I even realize what's happening, my back is hitting the mattress of the bed I share with Nikki while Duff's lips are tugging along the skin of my neck, coaxing a light vapor of moans from my throat while I grab at the bottom of his shirt, tugging it over his head. 

Mine's next, lips pressing down my chest as his hands slide under my back to get my bra off. 

My back arches to let the fabric escape, all while my hands pull at my panties, getting them down my legs before I'm kicking them off, the two of us chuckling, his lips coming back to mine while he goes for his belt buckle. 

It's hard to pretend he's Nikki, like I catch my mind trying to do, because he's not as rough as Nikki is. His kiss is sweet and gentle--not weak by any means, and its still hot, but Nikki's is dominantly aggressive and attentive without even meaning to be…

"Condom," Duff says pulling his lips from mine. 

"We don't have any." I tell him, catching my breath. 

"...I'll see if I have some in the car." 

"You can just pull out." I suggest, not wanting him to give me time to change my mind about this. 

"Are you sure?" He asks me, fingertips running over my cheek. 

"Yes." I grin and he slowly smiles and leans down again, kissing me. 

I screw my eyes shut when he slowly pushes into me, letting out a groan under his breath while I take in a sharp breath, nails biting into his back. 

"Are you okay?" He asks me, and I nod, eyes still closed. 

"Yeah." I sigh out, hands grabbing at his arms, nails biting into the tattoo on his bicep as he pulls out of me and pushes back inside, huffing out a sharp breath, his forehead against mine as I lean up and kiss him, humming as he starts thrusting into me steadily, overwhelmingly so.

Unlike Nikki, he's not ferociously aggressive for the most part. He's more so gently aggressive. 

I can't contain the near squeak that emits from my throat as he continues in and out of me, my arms and legs desperate to get him as close to me as possible.

The more I show that I'm feeling good, the more comfortable he gets, and the more deliberate his movements are. 

"It--" I'm cut short when he pushes against my cervix, and my eyes roll back. 

He's about to pull back out but I wrap my legs around him and pull him back in as I beg, "no, no, please, right there." 

He looks down at me, eager to please, looking me in the eye as he pushes against it, again, a sharp shiver shuttering up my back and I cry out, arching my back when his fingers go to my clit. 

My hands dig into the sheets, gasps and whimpers leaving me as he watches me, patiently, like he's studying me in the throes of stupidity and pleasure.  

I'm trying to crawl away when he grins and starts hounding at me, repeatedly hitting the spot in me that has tears pooling in my eyes from pleasure. 

"Please, don't stop." I ask him, my voice weak, and he sits back on his knees, pulling me onto him, grabbing my hips, guiding quick movements into me, making my thighs tense up while he looks down at my tits and the sight of him fucking me, before his eyes catch at my hip bone. 

"Do you like it?" I ask him and he runs his thumb over the "D" in my skin and looks at me before kissing me, quickening his pace again, hitting my sweet spot once more several times while I tighten around him. 

"Are you gonna come?" He asks me, and I nod, not able to speak. 

I push him down to the mattress and straddle him before I brace myself on his chest and start riding him. 

"Fuck," he says as he watches me, probably not able to believe we're having sex. 

My orgasm hits me in a wave, my head back, my hands moving over his on my waist, before he sits up and pulls my lips to his hotly, our tongues dancing as he wraps his arms around me. 

In a couple more minutes, he's holding me still while thrusting up into me desperately, and I feel my brain swimming on dopamine as sweat rolls down my spine. 

"I'm gonna come." He tells me, shutting his eyes and licking his lips for a second before looking down at himself going in and out of me. 

"Then come." I say softly, leaning forward, kissing, licking, and biting up his neck. 

Duff lets out a sharp breath, his hands pulling me down onto him while he gives one last thrust into me, warmth spreading throughout me as his cum coats my insides. 

"Fuck." I whimper out, my hips flexing, at the feeling. 

"How the fuck could he cheat on you?" He asks me, reeling off his sex-high, his eyes running all over my glistened skin before he's sitting up, wrapping his arms around me. "You're so fucking flawless." He adds and I smile at him, brushing the hair from his face before kissing him. 

Once I get off of him and lay beside him in the bed, he's looking up at our mirrored ceiling, that's recently been replaced ever since I broke it throwing a tantrum. 

"That was…" I start, realizing what I'd just done, and he looks at me, his brows furrowed slightly. 

"Are you okay?" He asks me, sitting up, probably thinking I'm about to cry. 

"Yes, I'm fine." I assure him. "It's just strange to have sex without being left right after." I add, remembering the more times than not that Nikki would leave to go out after we got done. 

"I'm not leaving." He tells me, his hand brushing against my cheek. 

"I know." I reply, closing my eyes, my face resting against the pillow as tiredness creeps up on me. 

He lays back down beside me, pulling me closer to him, and comfort consumes my body…

...Right before the roaring of Nikki's Harley pulling into the driveway shatters it.

I snap up, Duff doing the same. 

"Is that…?" He asks me, eyes wide. 

"Shit!" I whisper yell, the two of us getting out of bed. 

He nearly trips, pulling his jeans back on, and I'm pulling my silk robe on, grabbing Duff's shoes, heading for the guest bedroom closet. 

Once he's hidden, having to crouch uncomfortably to fit under the shelf, I'm running back to our room, spraying a few sprays of my perfume to throw off the sex smell.

I rush to the bathroom to wet a washcloth and get Duff's cum, that's leaking down my legs now, off, just as I hear Nikki's boots stomping into our room. 

I finish cleaning up as fast as possible and get back out there to see him shirtless. 

"H-Hey." I nervously greet him, regretting not fixing my hair from its roused state. 

He glances at me and does a double take, his eyes snaking up my exposed legs before he's looking at me. 

A slick smirk falls on his lips as he says:

"Whatcha been doing?"

"What do you mean?" I ask, eyes wide. 

"I know what you look like post-orgasm, Viv. There's no shame in having fun with yourself." He adds and I nearly sigh out with relief. He thinks I've been masterbating. Perfect. "Infact," he steps closer, making me step back until my back hits the wall, and he puts his hand beside my head, trapping me in, "it's really hot." 

I shift uncomfortably as his other hand moves to the curve of my hip, slipping under the robe to palm at my ass cheek, and I have to force myself to hold back a moan when his hand suddenly comes down to harshly give one good smack to my flesh before rubbing over my stinging skin. 

"Don't stop just because I pulled up." He tells me, motioning to the messy bed. "Keep doing your thing and I'll just observe." He grins, his hand moving to my throat. "Might even get the camera out like the good ole days." 

I can't seem to make myself talk, my breathing heavy, my tongue being bit between my teeth. 

We stare at each other another moment before he loses his grin and runs the thumb of his other hand across my lip. 

He leans down and I let out a breath. 

"Nikki," I start softly, about to pull away as best as I can but he stops me, pressing his lips to mine for a second. 

Our tongues meet soon after, and he's running his hands down my back, before pulling me up to wrap my legs around his waist, causing me to let out a moan as my back's against the wall while he threads his fingers through my hair. 

I snap out of it when my back hits the mattress, his hands sliding under my robe to run over my stomach, up my ribs to run over my breasts before grazing down my sides. 

"Nikki." I say after a moment, the two of us catching our breath. 

"Take your robe off." He ignores me, pressing a kiss to the center of my chest. 

"Nikki, no." I deny him. "It wouldn't be smart for us to do that."

"Why not? You've already drawn up divorce papers or something?" He stands up, pulling away from me.

"You're drunk." I bite at him, annoyed. "And what are you doing home? You don't come back home until morning, usually." 

"Tommy puked on me, I had to change shirts." He says. "Not that I owe you a fucking explanation."

"Never said you did, Nikki. It was just a question."

"No, but you're looking pissed that I'm here so that's why I am."

"I'm not pissed, can you stop assuming things?" 

"Whatever, Viv." He grumbles as I stand up, too. 

"Yeah, whatever, Nikki." 

"Oh my God, just shut the fuck u--" he stops abruptly, and I'm confused until I see he's focused on my hip bone, that's been exposed by my robe failing me when it shifts, and I see he's focused on the "D" on my hip. 

He steps closer to me, angling his head in every direction to see it clearly, even laying on the carpet and looking at it from below, the same confused expression on his face. 

When he gets off the floor, he's on his knees, holding at my hips to look at it from centimeters away. 

"Nikki, cut it out." I scold him, trying to move away from him but he stops me. 

"Ya know, the funniest thing is happening. I haven't taken anything hallucinogenic, but I swear I see a 'D' on your hip bone." He tells me and I finally get out of his grip as he stands back up, studying my expression. "Oh, hell fucking no, you did n--I know you do not have a fucking 'D' on your fucking body."

I had one in me a few minutes ago.

"It's not a 'D', Nikki." 

"I may not have graduated but I know my ABCs, Vivian, and that's a fucking 'D'!" 

"It's a Roman numeral for '100'!" I say back, smartly. "To represent the least number of times you fucked Vanity while we were together, so I'll never forget!" 

"We're still together, Vivian!" He screams.

"Really?! Is that why you screw groupies almost every night on the road?!" 

"Because I get lonely because my wife refuses to acknowledge me without screaming my fucking head off!"

"You were screwing another woman even when I wasn't perpetually angry at you, Nikki, what the fuck are you talking about 'lonely'?!" 

"You know what I mean!" He yells back. "See, I can't even come home without you starting a fucking fight!" 

"Then freaking get out!" I throw my hands up. 

"I am!" He shouts, getting his shirt on and grabbing the keys to his bike and heading to the door and I follow him. 

"Good!" I scream back. 

He leaves, slamming the door, and I exhale sharply, forcing back tears, letting out a frustrated groan before throwing one of our wedding photos at the wall. 

When I start back to our room, Duff is cautiously waiting in the hallway looking at me with a sad expression. 

"Don't worry about it." I assure him, kissing his cheek, before stepping back to the bedroom. 

"Don't worry about it." He didn't have anything to worry about then, but look at what five months did.

I shut the door of my car, looking at the apartment Duff's now sharing with Mandy, and let out a breath. 

Tucking the picture of a teeny-tiny little thing growing in me into my purse, I head up and knock on his door hesitantly, hearing Mandy call, "coming!" 

She opens the door and her eyes light up when she sees me, a big grin coming to her face, a softness to her sweet eyes that makes my stomach turn with nausea. 

"Hey, Viv!" She greets me, stepping aside as if it's muscle memory. 

Why does she have to make this so hard on me? Why can't she be a raging bitch? 

"Hey, Mandy." I reply, going inside, glancing around. 

"What's up?" She asks and I rub my lips together. 

"I really need to talk to you and Duff." I reply and she furrows her brows. 

"Are you okay?" 

"Just have a seat." I tell her. 

"O-Okay…" she goes to the living room and sits down. "Duff, c'mere!" She calls as I sit across from her, nervously fumbling with my hands. 

"What's u--hey, Viv." He says, smiling at me as he dries his hair with a towel. 

"She said she needs to talk to us." Mandy says, her tone causing him to look at me, cautiously. 

"What's wrong?" He asks and I can hear my blood pressure in my ears. 

"...I just...really, really, need to tell you something important." I say as he sits down. 

"Alright." He clears his throat, the two of them staring at me and I realize I'm not freaking talking to them at all. 

Just looking at them like a scared puppy. 

"What's going on, Viv?" He asks me. 

I decide maybe speaking right away is best, opening my purse and grabbing the photo, leaning forward to hand it to him. 

He takes it and Mandy both look at it where I have him/her circled in a red marker, confused…

"Is this…" Mandy starts and stops, eyes shooting up at me. "Are you pregnant, Vivian?" 

I swallow the lump in my throat. 

"I'm pregnant." I admit out loud. 

A smile comes to their faces, which throws me off completely. 

"This is good, isn't it?" Duff asks me, handing the picture back, "I mean, you and Nikki are working things out and he's sobering up...I think it's a good thing, you know?" He shrugs, his smile reaching ear to ear.

"Yeah." Mandy agrees and I have to take deep breaths to keep from crying. 

"Duff, Mandy," I start, my voice cracking, "Duff," I repeat and his smile slowly, very, very, slowly fades as if he knows exactly what I'm saying before I finally say, "I'm pregnant."

[doof-doofblog]

"I'm Sorry!"

Tuesday 9th June 2020

Good evening everyone! Hope you've had a good day! It's just hit me that after tonight's episode, we'll only have two episodes to view until the soap goes off air. I'm feeling a touch of sadness but I'm really hoping it won't be too long until the soap will be back on our screens. We should enjoy the last few episodes while we can! I just hope that come the last episode, it won't end on such big cliff hanger - i'll be so frustrated that I'll have to wait for such a lengthy period of time to find out the outcome! I'm sure you guys feel the same way? Let's just hope we're not waiting for months on end!

So tonight's episode was quite full packed wasn't it? I'm going to briefly start with Rainie and Max, it's really nice to see Rainie in a completely different light. I do fear that she will always been known as the terrible drug addict, and I guess there is always a possibility she could go back to her bad ways, but it's so nice to see her living a happy life. She's not interested in taking Max for his money. As she said, she has a good job and stable home as well as someone who loves her for who she is, plus she's clean, she's living her best life right now! Why would she need Max's money? She will find the money eventually for her wedding to Stuart and hopefully they'll have a happy life together. I thought it was really sweet when she said to Max that she actually wanted him to be happy to, I think that's all everyone wants. Max has had his fair share of women on the square but I believe only 2 of those women have made him genuinely happy - Tanya and Stacey! I do hope in time Max will meet someone and he'll be able to be happy, properly, once again.

So, does this mean Dotty and Peter are going to make a go of things? Even regarding that Dotty knows about Ian's secret. It's obvious that Ian is not going to approve, but in all honesty, what can he do? He can't threaten Dotty to leave his son alone, she will only threaten to reveal his secret. Ian is just going to have to suck it up and deal with it and hope to God that Dotty doesn't spill the beans. I know I've mentioned this already, but I can't help thinking about Bobby - even though he's not been seen in recent episodes, he was the one who started off having feelings for Dotty in the first place, how is he going to feel now knowing his brother has gone off with her? I didn't really know what to make of the scene where Dotty was trying to impress Peter by going for the jog ... I guess she wasn't trying to impress him, maybe just get his attention?! Again, like their flirting, I found it a bit cringe-worthy. But you know, each to their own? Do any of you guys ship Dotty and Peter? Or would you prefer to see them with other people? Perhaps you would've preferred Dotty to be with Vinny? They did start up a good, close friendship ... let me know what you guys think! Only thing now is, I have a feeling that Ian's secret isn't going to be kept secret for much longer?

Speaking of ships - does anyone else ship Billy and Karen? Poor Billy! Okay, the flour bomb was funny, but I did kinda feel that somehow, maybe he doesn't belong with the Taylor family. Mitch has done everything in his power to make him feel uncomfortable - even saying that he and Karen won't last for long and that Karen always goes running back to him. Mitch is clearly jealous! But I do feel that Billy does deserve happiness - however, what is going to happen when Honey returns? I'm assuming she will at some point, I don't think we've seen the last of her. But what is going to happen if Honey comes back and finds out that Billy has suddenly moved in with Karen? Isn't that going to break her heart? I mean, okay, Billy did cheat on her and she attempted to move on with Adam, but look how that turned out for the poor woman. She lost her self-esteem and confidence which caused her to relapse on her eating disorder, she then decided she had to leave the Square until she felt herself again, leaving poor Billy on his own. It's nice to see Billy happy with someone but I don't know whether he'll be able to commit to Karen, or whether he'll be able to feel he belongs with the Taylor family, especially with Mitch always at the sidelines, watching in on his relationship with Karen. What do you guys think? Do you think Billy and Honey will be meant to be? Or do you think he can gel well with Karen and the Taylor's and be a part of their family?! Also - yes! I am going to mention that EastEnders did make a comment about the size of Billy's manhood!!!!!! Sorry, but we don't want to know that, thank you!!!

Swiftly moving on ... I do wish that Phil and Sharon would come to some form of understanding with each other. I can understand both sides of spectrum ... Sharon made a terrible mistake of firstly, cheating on Phil, and then secondly giving up her own baby, but now she's trying to do the right thing and bring up her son with the man she loves. However, I can understand Phil's perspective aswell, he was heartbroken when he found out that Kayden wasn't his, considering he had adopted Sharon's elder son and became a father to him, to then lose him in awful circumstances, I guess he can't help but blame Sharon for Dennis's death. I do kinda think Phil is right, if she hadn't have slept with Keanu and got pregnant, none of this would've happened and Dennis would still be around now. It's clear that they do deeply still love each other, but Phil can't find it in himself to bring up another man's baby. When Ian came to collect Sharon's things, I love the way Phil put him in his place, its been obvious that Ian has been swooning over Sharon - Phil isn't stupid, he can see what he's trying to do! Hopefully Sharon will come to realise that also and will find out the truth about Dennis's death. I loved the scene between Linda and Phil, I think the words that Linda rang truth - you can't break a bond between a mother and their child, Phil and Sharon should be able to work things through because of their love for each other, if they want to be together, they should be able to be strong and make it work. However, I was surprised as Phil's revelation! So he is going to be moving into the Vic?! Is that going to be such a good idea, considering his past with the building? I mean, it was once his home also, but Sharon also lived there, could this mean they could end up fighting for the property? Or is Sharon going to remain living with Ian or will she live in the Mitchell household while Phil moves into the Vic?! I'm really eager to see what happens with that one, but I do feel we're going to have to wait a while unfortunately.

Uh-Oh! I have a bad feeling that things could be going from bad to worse for Chantelle. After asking Gray if she could use his car to do an errand for Kheerat, Gray was already annoyed that she was doing Kheerat favours, why is she still doing more? He made it perfectly clear that he didn't want her running around after him. I kinda panicked when Suki asked - wait no - told Chantelle to do those favours for her, it was just going to put her in an even worse situation with Gray. Even though I did think to myself after Chantelle missed her phone call from Gray whilst in the car, after Suki left, why didn't she just ring him back and explain? - But I know, that would've been too easy! - This is EastEnders after all and nothing is ever straight forward as that! So Gray has a tracker on his car, was he watching where Chantelle was going or had been? Then he realised it had been driven someone on a day it was supposed to be at the garage. Us viewers know that Ben used the car last week to drive himself to the job Danny and Phil were at. Gray has already asked Chantelle where she went that day and obviously, Chantelle has nothing to do with it, but Gray unfortunately doesn't believe her, he is going to be jumping to all sorts of conclusions, even possibly thinking that Chantelle is cheating on him? Is he going to become violent with her again? This is why I worry for Chantelle so much, she can't put a foot wrong otherwise Gray will hurt her, physically. The violence that he has put her through is horrific, I fear that until Gray finds out the truth about his car, he's going to become physically abusive towards her again. But even though Gray is paranoid about his wife's whereabouts, he's the one who kissed another woman - well technically she kissed him! Gray has been an absolute rock for Whitney in recent weeks as he's taken on her case. She's currently staying with them and over time, Whitney has become more and more infatuated with Gray. He's been so kind to her, saying all sorts of nice things to support her, even though - I do feel as though he was pushing and pushing her for more information when he took her back to the scene where Leo died, he kept saying "Go on! Carry on!", pushing her and forcing her to relive the moments when Leo died. I kinda found that a little hard to watch, I mean it was brilliant acting from Shona McGarty, but Whitney has already been through so much and she's told the story over and over again, why should she have to relive it? - Anyway she's become so in awe of Gray and his kindness towards her, she suddenly kissed him. Now we knew this was coming, but what does this mean now? Will Gray respond and act and perhaps have an affair with Whitney? Will Whitney be completely apologetic and try and forget the kiss happened? Will Chantelle find out?

A very interesting ending tonight that's for sure! What do you guys think? Are you guys feeling just as sad as I am that we only have two episodes left? I do have a little bit of news for you though, within the last few hours, it's been revealed that next week, Ben is going to collapse due to him battling a fever and still feeling unwell after losing his hearing completely, he will then confide in Jay and tell him the truth about his disability. Hopefully it wont be too long until the soap will be back on our screens full term, with 4 episodes being aired every week as normal! I personally can't wait for things to get back to some form of normality! Anywayz, look after yourself everyone! Keep safe and I'll be back again next week. Thanks everyone! Love you all xXx

[ante--meridiem]

(You don't have to answer if this is too personal btw) It's just that I've known for about two years that I'm probably-mostly a lesbian, but I never had someone to talk to about it seriously. I'm almost 19 now and never really tried to get involved with someone romantically because I don't want to weird anyone out or make them uncomfortable. And I know that doing stuff at my own pace is totally cool but sometimes I worry that I'm late to the game or something :/ What were your experiences?

Hi anon :). Don’t worry, it’s not too personal. (I mean, my answer is quite personal, but what is tumblr for if not over sharing with strangers on the internet? :P) I hope my experiences can help you, though if you’re looking for dating advice the most I can say is “don’t do what I did”.

I can empathise with a lot in this ask. I realised that I was gay at about the same time as you, and it felt late to me as well - but going by what I've heard from other lesbians I've talked to, I think it's actually quite average. (I think the reason it feels late to us is because most "common knowledge" about LGBTQ stuff tends to focus on gay men, who just anecdotally seem to realise a lot earlier on average). I'm still not 100% confident in my sexuality - I settled on "lesbian" more by process of elimination than anything else. The only thing I'm mostly certain of is that I'm not straight - I could potentially be wrong about liking girls, or about not liking guys, but there is no way that I'm attracted to men more than to women.

Extensive discussion of my personal life below, feel free to read if you want to.

Getting to identify as a lesbian was a really long, confusing process for a few reasons. I'm the kind of person who tends to overintellectualise and overrationalise my feelings, so it was far too easy for me to convince myself that I felt the things I "should" feel. My immediate environment was never intensely homophobic (...extended family is a different matter, I'm still not out to them because I'm pretty sure my grandmother would react very badly based on arguments we've had about LGBTQ rights in the past), but the possibility of being anything other than straight just wasn't discussed, other than in a "that's weird and inappropriate for children" kind of way, so I ended up with the impression that being gay is such an unusual and distinct experience that it would be impossible not to know if you were. 

In retrospect, there were a some feelings I had for girls when I was younger that would probably count as crushes/puppy love (I made a girl a Valentines Day card when I was 11, for God's sake, and in my naive obliviousness didn't think anything of it) but somehow I never connected that feeling of intense, nervous admiration to what a crush was supposed to feel like. I managed to think my way into believing I liked various boys and had a tendency to confuse mutual respect for romantic love. (Those "crushes" made me sure for a while that I couldn't be gay, because I liked boys, didn't I? It's honestly hard for me to pick out a detail that proves they were fake, even now, but the main thing that stands out is I preferred talking about how much I liked them over actually talking to them.) Later, I had a phase where I rationalised that romantic love was a lie and indistinguishable from platonic love, and I shouldn’t care so much about it - even though part of me very much cared. 

I can pretty much split my realisation into two parts; realising I wasn't attracted to men and realising I was attracted to women. Both parts were difficult, but in their own way. The easiest one (or maybe I should say "simplest" one, since while it was fairly obvious it wasn't particularly easy emotionally - it made me feel even more weird and out of place, which I’d already felt for other reasons) was realising I wasn't sexually attracted to men - except that at the time, I just parsed it as not being interested in sex generally. Somehow the possibility of sex that didn't involve men at all wasn't something I was really aware of. My friends would talk about how attractive various men were, and I'd just feel extremely confused and like I was missing something. Being the pretentious person I was I rationalised it as "sex is meaningless anyway, all I really care about is love". 

The other half was much more confusing, but happened in a pretty cliché way - I fell in love with a friend. I can't actually say how long it took me to realise that because I'd always seen her differently from my other friends, but I put it down to admiration, jealousy and wishing I could be her. I kind of assumed that she was just so special that everyone must feel that way around her. A moment that stands out is when she was telling me about various guys who'd asked her out, and I started feeling weirdly jealous about it but also found myself thinking well I can't blame them, if I were a guy I'd want to date her too. From there it took about a year to realise that the "if I were a guy" clause wasn't necessary. It felt completely different from my other “crushes” - she made me feel happy more than nervous, I wanted things to stay just between us instead of wanting to share them with everyone, she popped into my head unasked for instead of me making myself think about her. I was hyperaware of her presence and couldn’t stop thinking about how beautiful she was - which had never happened with a guy.

At that point I started calling myself biromantic asexual (terms I found on the internet and never actually used in real life - the most I told anyone was that I was bi, which it still took a long time to be willing to do - I think I was seventeen by the time I actually told anyone I might be bi), but I was still very uncertain of it. For a long time I told myself that I didn't really like girls, I just liked her. I was also completely in denial that my attraction had any physical component at all, because I felt like that would make it less "pure" and I was terrified of being creepy. I tried asking my parents for advice, but they insisted that admiring your friends a lot was normal and didn't mean anything, and I couldn't explain how I knew that this was different. (It didn't help that they believed the only difference between friendship and romance is physical attraction, and I couldn’t define any other difference even though I knew there was one). My mom was hesitant because it would be harder for me if I wasn’t straight, which... I know she meant well, but it came off like she thought I was choosing to overcomplicate my life, something I internalised and that made me second-guess things even more.

Even once I accepted that I was probably bi, a part of me felt certain I would end up with a man, but I wasn’t happy about it - every time I thought about it, I felt resentful. It was the kind of thing that felt like a bad kind of inevitability. I was also scared to tell the friend in question I liked her, because the pessimistic part of me felt certain she was straight even though she’d hinted otherwise. Eventually I did though, but only when she was about to move away to study in university, and because I was afraid of freaking her out I decided to phrase it in past tense and downplay it (”I used to kind of have a crush on you”). When she took it well, I gained the courage to say I still liked her, but had been afraid to say anything because I was afraid of how she’d react. She told me I should have told her sooner, that gender didn’t matter to her and I shouldn’t have assumed she’d reject me. We spent the next few months exchanging semi-flirtatious messages and she said she might consider dating me some day, which came to a head when I realised she didn’t really mean that. I asked her to just straight up reject me - which she did. 

During all this time, I’d come to be very close friends with a guy. He understood me better than almost anyone except the friend I liked (or so I thought at the time) and I felt like I could tell him anything. He asked me out (knowing about the other friend who I was definitely not over) and I accepted, for all the wrong reasons - because it was flattering to be liked, because I was afraid no-one else would like me, because I was trying to get over her and didn’t want to be alone, and because I couldn’t find a reason not to. I told him I thought I might be asexual, but agreed to physical intimacy (not sex, mind you, just kissing and cuddling, but it was enough for me to feel between bored and uncomfortable) anyway, for a lot of the same wrong reasons. 

The relationship wasn’t bad per se, at least at first, but it felt - empty. Like ticking off the boxes of what a healthy relationship should be. We had deep, intimate conversations but it never felt like enough. At first, I tried pushing him for more - more depth, more intensity - because I was annoyed with what felt like complacency from him. I couldn’t understand how he could be satisfied - even happy - with what we had. I felt like I was doing something wrong, like I didn’t know how to love right. The first time I tried to break up with him was after I’d introduced him to my former crush, and he noticed that as soon as she was around she had my full attention. I felt incredibly guilty, there was a lot of crying on both sides, but eventually we didn’t break up. The question came up again a few times - he tried to break up with me as well because he sensed I was being distant, and during this whole time, I started fantasising about being with various girls. This was when I started acknowledging that I might not be asexual after all. 

In the end, I decided to call myself a lesbian because it was the hard boundary I needed to draw in order to break off the relationship, and kept the label because nothing else seemed a better fit, but part of me still felt like I was faking it. (I once made a friend laugh by saying I had imposter syndrome about my sexuality). I was out to a few people - my closer friends, my parents and my English teacher - but only started being fully open about it once I went to university. I got involved in various LGBTQ communities and while I never felt I fit in especially well with the other people there, it did make the label feel less alien, to the point where I was comfortable casually referring to myself as gay. I even went on a few dates with a girl, but I could feel myself trying to force feelings that weren’t there again. I’d latched on to my sexuality as an explanation for why my last relationship went wrong, and I think I wanted to prove to myself that I could feel the right things if I were with someone of the right gender. 

After we decided we wouldn’t work out I decided to stop trying to force things. Right now, I’m very comfortable being single and think it’s best I stay that way until or unless I develop feelings for someone else naturally, though the thought of dating a girl someday makes me feel warm fluttery things in my stomach. (I do realise the chances I’ll just fall in love again without looking for it, and that she’ll be into girls and into me, are very small, but I don’t see a better option).  I’m also out to most people who are a regular presence in my life, extended family aside, and the label has stopped feeling just “good enough” and started actually feeling right.