#I wrote half of these during macroenconomics class

[aceyanaheim]

Dream Daddy Head-canons No One Asked For.

It’s Hurricane Time and I got bored. ( Keep in mind I’m still finishing the game) 

Robert’s been to jail before, misdemeanors and petty crime.

After getting bailed out he was made to work at the shelter with Mary and Damian.

His first reaction to seeing a shih-tzu was to shake it repeatedly because “What the fuck? Is this a dog or a rat?”

Damian had a talk with him about different breeds and “please refrain from shaking the living creatures in this facility, especially the small ones. We..kind of need them alive.”

That’s actually where he got Betsy. For all his hangups about smaller dogs who “don’t look like dogs” Robert wound up turning into a marshmallow around them.

Mary may or may not have arranged for him to adopt Betsy after seeing how good the volunteering did for Robert ( he drank and smoked less, tried to show up on time, he was always happy around the dogs)

She kinda wishes she had given him a bigger dog when the first thing Robert did was try to hunt for cryptids in the dead of the goddamn night. (Betsy’s a tough pup though. She does okay at keeping her human safe.)

Brian makes lasagna for Daisy every first day of school ( it’s her favorite dish)

Both Brian and Joseph have very...open reactions to anyone who suggests parents with Neuroatypical kids are burdened or need a support group.

They might or might not have egged the car of the last person who said that.

Brian and Daisy go on a camping trip the week before school starts every year.

Daisy’s first fishing rod was this tiny pink for-toddlers-rod that she still keeps to this day.

Amanda tutors Daisy in Social Studies, Daisy ends up helping her with English. ( that kid is smart) 

Lucien has the best English grade in Hugo’s junior class.

No one but Mary knows that it’s because when he was little he and Damien would have readings of Victorian novels.

Sometimes Mary and her kids would come along.

Lucien actually winds up babysitting the Christiansen kids a lot.

It is entirely possible that he’s the one who taught them to amp up the creepy twin factor to keep bullies away.

It is also entirely possible he makes sure he scares off the ones that the twins don’t creep out.

Not that he’ll ever fess up to it.

Christopher's middle name is Robin ( because Mary couldn’t resist)

Christian and Christie’s middle names are Matthew and Ruth respectively.

Mary and Joseph may or may not have been trying to outdo each other on who could come up with the most religious name.

Mary’s still not sure how much morphine she was on that she allowed that but she’s decided her kids just need enough confidence to carry the -slightly ridiculous- names.

Crish lucked out -sorta?- and didn’t get an uber religious name.

Chris spends a lot of time with Crish while the twins wander off. He almost prefers to hang out with his baby sibling over anyone else.

Carmencita and Ernest switch to Spanish at near every social gathering and it drives everyone up the wall.

Robert always eggs them on, he likes the chaos.

Robert also refuses to tell just where the hell he learned Spanish “it’s classified”

Robert has G.A.D. which he self-medicates for both by drinking and smoking

The dads have actually talked about getting him to quit because “Jesus Robert you’re not even like a chill stoned person. You get outright paranoid.”

Having Betsy helps him with it a lot. He has to keep things away from her so she won’t get into them and sometimes it leads to him even forgetting he has it.

Robert has a weird rule about smoking in front of the kids. He just won’t.

Lucien finds this hilarious and kind of annoying because “I’m your provider!”

“Well yeah but you’re still a kid”

Daisy learned to read when she was four. Brian found her hoarding t.v. manuals and car magazines and fishing books and..basically if it had letters in it she had it in her room.

She at one point made a fort out of them. He still has the pictures.

Chris scripts and stims a lot. He usually sings songs he hears on the radio and rocks on his feet. He’ll occasionally repeat lines from his favorite movies.

The real reason the twins were quoting The Shining was they grew up around Chris scripting and...also started talking in t.v. quotes ( since to them it just looked like A Thing Chris was doing)

The three of them can actually speak to each other in t.v. quotes and understand each other completely. ( everyone else, however, is clueless. No one’s figured out how to get them to stop. Robert also thinks this is hilarious.)

No one can figure out if it’s better or worse than Ernest and Carmencita's  bilingual shtick.

Both Hugo and Mat slip into Spanish from time to time.

Hugo has family in the Dominican Republic and P.R. but also in New York. ( it’s where his parents emigrated to)

Ernest actually really doesn’t like his name.

He went up to his dad once with a two-page long list of Hispanic Authors and asked why he couldn’t be named after one of those.

Hugo and went on to answer that he had family members named Usnavi and Usmail and Hugo’s middle name was Valentino and “honestly, just count your blessings-no you’re not drinking coffee.”

He was secretly really impressed because damn these were good authors and his kid knew about them? Since when? ( why isn’t he getting better grades?)

Craig spent a good amount after college just...drifting. He went there because he was told to and didn’t really find his drive for doing something until much later in life.

Because of that he kinda gets Robert. He can tell he’s kinda lost too.

Lucien used to have a baby cape.

He still dresses up in Victorian clothes for his dad’s birthday and special occasions.

A lot of conversations about media analysis between Mat and Hugo usually wind up with their kids weighing in.

Ernest tends to take Mat’s side just to be contrarian but he’s learned a lot about his dad from listening to his side of the conversations.

Mary has a favorite dog at the shelter. It’s this scraggly looking greyhound mix she named Stella.

Damian’s the only one who knows, she’s sworn him to secrecy.

She’s that volunteer that checks out all adoptees and flirts her way into convinces people to take “risky” cases home.

Damian wants to be mad but...well it’s not like it doesn’t work. He hates that they can’t use a kill-free policy, with Mary terrifying everyone they kinda do.

Damian Mary and Joseph all go way back. They met a youth service.

Mary was notorious for getting into and starting fights back then.  She had opinions on how Christianity saw a lot of things and no actual fucks to give about arguing with teachers and preachers and other students alike.

She usually wound up kicked out of Youth Ministry/Religion Class ten minutes in. You could set your time by it.

“Oh nooo now I get to do whatever the damn hell I want for thirty minutes whatever will I do with myself”

If Damian hadn’t been there, no one’s sure how long she-or the church would have lasted.

Mary was that Christian girl. The one that rebels hard and parties harder. The church was small, and every knew and talked about what she did and who she did it with and it made her smile.

When Damien started transitioning anyone from the Youth Group who so much as looked at him crooked inherently made things physical. ( but damn if Mary didn’t scare everyone just by looking at them. )

That’s where Joseph meets her. Joseph, who looked the part of the rebel, with black leather and piercings but whose biggest act of rebellion itself is sneaking rock music past his Very Christian Parents.

Mary takes one look at him trying to be “bad” and nearly bursts out laughing all the same feeling fondness for the kid. She figures if she doesn’t keep an eye on this dork, someone’s gonna eat him. 

Friendships can come from a lot less.

It’s the softness in Joseph that really gets to Mary, the same softness she found in Damian. It’s the fact that he refuses to judge her, it’s the fact that he nearly bursts out laughing at every argument she starts with other people. That’s where the friendship’s really born. That’s when she starts trusting him. By the end of the year, he’s as close to her as Damian. ( and she’s just as willing to tear people apart for him)

There’s a lot of conflicts and tears for the three of them on their orientations ( because no, Mary isn’t straight either) and their religion and their faith and those who share it. There were nights spent at couches where Mary couldn’t stand to be with her parents and long silent months were Joseph just went radio silent. ( Damian’s parents were actually hella accepting and the main crashing place but Damian had things to deal with too)

It’s what made Joseph want to be a Youth Pastor. He wanted a church that was friendly, he wanted to keep his faith. He wanted to keep other children from not feeling safe in a place where you’re supposed to. He wanted to tell kids that things always get better. He signed up for a degree in Biblical Studies the moment he was able to.

They moved to the same neighborhood on purpose, the three of them ( and Lucien eventually) like it always was.

Mary started dealing with depression after having Chris.

A big contributing factor was that Joseph had the ministry and Damien had Lucien and Mary...Mary didn’t have anything. She had no life outside of being a housewife. Eventually, Chris went to school and she had nothing to do but keep house.

It started slow but it grew, she was told having more kids would help ( and when she held the twins, she was happy.) but of course it didn’t make things better.

It’s really what killed her relationship with Joseph. It killed her a little each day too. She was told she’d be happy if she married and had kids, she wanted to be happy ( so why wasn’t she?)

She started resenting him, resenting her life, feeling trapped in it. This is around the time she befriended Robert.

Robert, who also hated himself, and his life, who was also miserable. Robert who she could tell her worst thoughts to ( “sometimes I wish I wasn’t a mom. What kind of parent am I” “Trust me I’ve seen worse”) things she wouldn’t want to tell Joseph, things she couldn’t even tell Damian.

Their friendship is based on wasted chances and miserable thoughts and an unabashed acceptance of both.

When she found out he slept with Joseph she gave him the silent treatment for a month. ( Damian of all people told him off. Mary’s still his best friend. This isn’t done.)

Eventually, Robert wears her down, begs her to get a drink and says he’s miserable and sorry and miserable and the next morning he makes her a hangover remedy at his house and they bury the hatchet.

Robert tries to bury an actual hatchet in the backyard, Mary laughs calls him an idiot and “where did you even get a hatchet” “shh don’t worry about it” and that’s when they actually make up.

Joseph took up carpentry as a hobby ( he thinks it’s funny how it plays into his name.) he built the kids a treehouse in the backyard and has made them a couple of toys.

Mary always loved horses. It’s something she shares with Christie, who she’s indulged in exactly 245 My Little Pony dolls.

One of Chris’ special interests is fishing lures ( not even fishing just the different kind of lures you can use) he’ll talk Brian’s ear off about it whenever he can find him.

One of Daisy’s special interests is marine animals, she’ll talk Hugo’s ear off whenever she can find him.

Ernest is absolutely not jealous about his dad talking to this other kid. Nope.

Mat’s coffee shop became The Place Where All The Kids hang out ( a few of them want to work there) and he’s somehow become the person they all talk to if they ever have a problem they can’t talk to their dad about. ( Also Pablo’s there and Pablo’s hot, and the older kids can appreciate that)

Unlike Ernest, Carmencita doesn’t mind sharing her dad. She’s actually gotten really good at advice and conflict resolution because of all the problems the others ( including Pablo) ask Mat’s help with.

Because all the parents get together so often -apparently- for barbeques and stuff the kids have kind of made up their minds that they’re all their parents. They have a dad for each occasion. If someone picks on you? Go to Brian, he’s the one who will tell you ( and teach you to throw a punch, just ask Daisy)  Homework problem? Go to Hugo. Fashion advice? Go to Damian.

There have also been talks had by some of the kids about whose parents could end up with whose. ( except for the Christiansen kids.) 

They might or might not be keeping an eye on Dadsona and who xe winds up dating.