#I’m still in the pessimistic stage y’all

[yourqueenb]

I sincerely hope they don’t think this is enough because this still barely scratches the surface

[operctingtcble]

( LOVIE SIMONE, CIS GIRL, SHE/HER, 22 ) i can feel [ TAN ] energy, that must be [ ELODIE ROUSSIN ]. the [ SECOND ] year [ ECONOMICS ] major is known around the manor as the [ OPERATING TABLE ]. i’ve heard whispers about how they’re [ PESSIMISTIC ] and [ COLD ], but everyone says they’re [ PRAGMATIC ] and [ RESPONSIBLE ]. i don’t know what to believe… but with [ ALYS ] pulling the strings… ( 23, EST, SHE/HER )

i’m just gonna link her application here if you want some more in depth stuff, but i don’t have the brain power to make her intro pretty so i’m just gonna be straight with y’all. 

first-born daughter of one of the country’s pre-eminent neurosurgeons. the only black girl in her private school, in her ballet classes, she had to be perfect. no fussing, no meltdowns, nothing could phase her. 

it didn’t even come to her parent’s minds that she could possibly be autistic, even though all the warning signs were there. still, she had little choice but to mask as hard as she possibly could, to the point of dissociating because of the discomfort. it got to the point where she, basically, lived in the back of her own mind because that was the only place she felt safe. 

this disconnection from her body made her a pretty horrible dancer, but she always tried her best and did manage to stay in the dance company, which... led to her death at age fourteen. 

tw: death, bones, surgery, blood, just gory 

she died on stage, dancing the willis during their performance of giselle, slipping on the polished stage and cracking the back of her head open on the hardwood. her father, of course, managed to save her, although she was in a coma for a week and suffered some brain damage. she still deals with chronic migraines to this very day. 

it took her six years to finish high school, and even then she didn’t get that 5.0 her parents wanted her to get. so, she didn’t apply to any ivy league schools. studying still takes a lot out of her, and yet its the one thing her daily schedule is built around. she has to succeed. she has to. 

however, there’s some better news since she’s started university; she’s managed to stop masking as aggressively now. it became harder to mask after her death, anyways. she is still pretty stone-faced and prefers not to speak if she doesn’t know exactly what to say, but she’s let herself be pickier about her food. she only wears clothes that feel good now. she doesn’t have any stim toys but she does have things, like necklaces or bracelets or particular pens, that are satisfying to stim with. she collects stuffed animals now. she was never formally diagnosed with autism, but she... kinda knows she has it. 

ah yes.... the spooky stuff. 

her backroom is this really desaturated, really echoing and endless hospital. all she really remembers is the titular operating table, how cold it was against her back and the scary-looking implements that hung all around her, with nobody else in the room. she thought she was awake during surgery at first but there was something so unreal about this place, it haunts her to this day. she still hates hospitals. 

and her glass person... well, she looks just like elodie, except she smiles nonstop. elodie hates it. the glass person moves like a ballerina, all elegance, dresses in pink... yeah it do be spooky. 

extras: incredibly superstitious; does stan taxidermy; doesn’t have a job bc her parents are supporting her; yes she has a trust fund; someone give her a found family asap. 

[fourdaysofrain]

Self-Made Man

Summary: A Trans!Tony Stark AU. 

(Lengthy, personal author’s note below the cut, if you’re interested.)

Natasha Marie Stark was born twelve minutes before midnight on May 29th, 1970. She weighed a healthy seven pounds and two ounces when she arrived. She was the most beautiful thing that either of her parents had ever seen. And she was screaming loud enough to scare the pigeons from the trees outside.

Read on AO3

Well, hey everyone. It’s been a handful of months since I’ve been on here. I want to apologize for being gone, but that feels kind of phony. I don’t know. I missed this, though. I can tell you that much. I still checked my notifications every once in a while. It made me really glad to see people still commenting on my fics or passing my links around. Love y’all. 

I guess it’s about time that I tell you that I’m trans. I have been this whole time. To answer a few quick questions, I first knew sometime in late high school, but it was always kind of in the background my whole life, I just didn’t know how to isolate the feeling. I started socially transitioning (i.e. dressing male, coming out, going by he/him) after my high school graduation, and I started HRT (Horomone replacement therapy, that means I inject myself with testosterone weekly. .33mL subcutaneously into my tummy, if you’re curious) on Oct. 12, 2018. So it’s been almost two years since, and I’ve been completely passing as a man for quite a while. Ass-crack hair, sweat, and all. 

This is a pretty personal fic for me, given the nature of it. I’ve wanted to write it for a long time, and I’ve actually had words in the Google Doc since January. It took a lot of long nights to write. It helped that I was back home. I always have an easier time tapping into Trans Emotions when I’m in my home town, for better or for worse. All the memories and relationships I formed pre-transition follow me like ghosts. 

I’m leaving for college in two days, conversationally. 

I see a lot of trans!Peter Parker fics. I’m not dissing them, I love them to bits. But it makes me wonder why fandom is so quick to headcanon Peter as trans instead of one of the other characters. He’s petite, has a higher voice, and has softer features than the other male cast members. I feel like those attributes definitely play a role. It can be easy to see trans men as “uwu soft bois”, or as Men Lite, or as a more palatable version of “normal” (that is to say, cis) men. Those ideas are often flawed and based on transphobic foundations. The reality is, trans men (and by extension, all trans people) have the ability to be indiscernible from their cis counterparts. Everyone likes to think they can pick trans people out from a crowd, but you’d be surprised how quickly I started being read as male. Androcentrism for the win, I guess. 

I won’t be entirely pessimistic. I understand that people my age project onto Peter (I am by no means exempt from that), and that there’s a greater number of young trans people than old, due to a series of depressing reasons. But I still wanted to try a different take on a trans character. 

My experience as a trans man is vastly different than the one I write about here. If anything, I’m closer to fandom’s idea of trans!Peter. My parents were accepting, I had the financial and social means to transition relatively early, and I can fly under the radar easily. The most important difference is the time period. 

I don’t know a lot about the trans experience of the 80s and 90s, which is what Tony would have gone through. I know of one single trans man who began his transition back then, one of the gender studies professors at my university. Even then, he’s from Canada, which I’m assuming has an entirely different culture around trans lives. There aren’t many older trans men. It’s depressing. There’s a lot of reasons for this. I don’t want to get too deep into them, because it only makes me feel sad. The final scene in this fic is extremely self-indulgent with regards to this. I wrote what I needed to hear. 

That’s not to say I don’t relate at all to what I wrote. There are themes that are almost universal for the trans experience. I hope you can parse those out here.

I also wanted to talk about how I showed the change from “Natasha” to Tony. In the early stages of this fic’s development, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to openly say Tony’s deadname (the name trans people are given at birth, and often, but not 100% of the time, change as a part of their transition), but I soon realized that it would make the story much clearer with the inclusion of it. If you’re wondering, I got the name from Earth-3490, where Tony is born a woman (and marries Steve, lol). I chose to show the change between the two with the use of past tense for the first half of the fic, and switching to present for Tony’s life. Often times, it feels like that when you transition. You start living in present tense. 

I also want to make it clear that transitioning isn’t as simple as shown here. From the beginning of mapping out this fic, I was stressed about “Oh, how will he be able to graduate as Tony if he doesn’t start transitioning until after he gets to college,” and “How will Howard react to him coming out?” and “How will he have a playboy persona if he isn’t able to have sex with someone without them knowing?” and a zillion other ideas. It was very freeing for me to let go of some of these obstacles and leave it up to the reader to decide. I alluded to some of the solutions that I came up with, but for the most part, I glossed over the paperwork and bureaucracy aspect to transitioning. But in real life, there are countless red tapes you have to cut for even the simplest of actions. I went to the state court to change my name and sex in March of 2019, and I still have cards in my wallet with my deadname. I had a consult with a plastic surgeon for top surgery (the colloquial name for the double mastectomy that trans men often go through to masculinize their chests. If you’re wondering, genital reconstruction surgery is normally called bottom surgery to mirror this) last December, and I still don’t have a date set. It took me a few months to start T, and I only got it so easily because I went through my unviersity, which does informed consent. Some places have to have proof of 6 months of social transitioning and a letter from a therapist. There is a lot of medical gate keeping in the trans community. I don’t know what I would have done had my parents not been accepting enough to help me through the processes. I am extremely thankful for their support. 

But it’s a lot easier to write about transition happening smoothly. Money helps, which I don’t touch on a lot in this fic, but oh my God, does money help. I’m lucky enough to be able to afford my ~$20 a month T prescription (which I will be taking until the end of my days, likely), and I’m in the process of saving for top surgery. Thankfully with Tony, I can just presto most of the problems away because he’s canonically a billionaire. Eat the rich, folks.

There’s also the intersection with race that is very impactful for trans people, as it is for everyone. Both Tony and I are white, which gives us societal privileges that trans people of color don’t have access to. As well as the fact that transitioning from female to male is a much different experience than transitioning from male to female. We don’t experience trans misogyny, which is a special kind of misogyny specifically related to trans women. (Think of old sitcoms where the joke is that it’s a man dressed in women’s clothing, and that’s what makes it funny. That’s a fairly tame example of trans misogyny. It gets ugly fast.) 

I’m veering dangerously off-topic, but it’s important to talk about. It’s easy for white trans people (and LGBT people as a whole, I suppose) to distance themselves from talking about white privilege or male privilege because they aren’t straight and/or cis. But it’s important to recognize that while we may face unique oppression, we also still benefit from historical white supremacist and patriarchal structures present today in society. 

Sorry, not sorry for getting political. And if I haven’t said it on here, Black lives matter. Of course. 

If you end up having trans-related questions, I want to be a resource for you. Seriously, I’m narcissistic and love talking about myself I don’t mind helping you understand the trans experience. I can’t promise that I know everything, but I also have my own group of trans friends who might know what I don’t, and we can learn together. 

Again, love y’all. Thank you for the continued support you give me. I can’t promise that I’ll go back to my normal level of activity on here, but I might dip my feet back in the pool. <3

[zcyns-blog1]

━  01.  「 INTRO 」

Breathe. It was the only thought that she was able to stay focused on without getting distracted. Distracted by self-doubt, pity, or her lack of confidence at the moment that she hid quite well  ━ whatever you want to stamp it as. Her heart was currently in her stomach, a range of surging hormones and abdomen cramps felt like a recipe for disaster for Zayn. Yet, here she was.

The was a room full of voices around her, but the only one that she could make out clearly enough was her own. Thank God for that. She wasn’t completely doomed. She recited her own specially-crafted words in her head as if there was any possible way of her forgetting them. Though she wouldn’t dare utter a word about it aloud, Zayn was actually nervous. It was truly a sight to see; a once in a lifetime experience, for sure.

It doesn’t take long before she’s been introduced on stage, but it takes even longer for her mind to give her legs the signal to start moving. There she is, in the middle of the dimly-lit stage practically looking like a dear caught in headlights. The true irony being in the fact that her sister’s words were playing in her head as if she hadn’t just lectured her twin out of the same pessimistic mentality a couple of days ago.

‘Mommy would so drag you for the way you’re acting right now.’

She was right; she absolutely would. It was enough for the young woman to completely shut her mind off for the time being and bask in the moment ━ as nerve-wracking as it currently was.

She clears her throat, moving her mouth closer to the microphone in front of her in hopes that her soft-toned voice would branch out loud enough for the small club to hear.

“I’m Zayn, in case any of you didn’t know. I’m gonna be performing a piece that I’ve written that was inspired by ━  we’ll call her Mother Earth.” God, she sounded like her mother. “Simply put, it’s a collection of thoughts that not only live within my head but many of the women close to me. Hopefully, it sparks something different within all of you... I hope you enjoy.”

The next line of words that come out of her mouth are equally as melodic as the harmonies she makes with her sister. And, she didn’t even have to sing.

                                                    ⇢

“My condolences to anyone who has ever lost me And, to anyone who got lost in me Or, to anyone who ever felt they took a loss with me My apologies for the misunderstanding or the lack thereof I'm sorry you missed the God in me And I'm sorry you missed the light I'm sorry you forgot the way I arose like the moon Night after night with the burden to forgive Eager to feed you everything See, I'm a holy woman I know what it's like to give life to a being without ever needing to press skin against one another I've practiced how to hold my tongue long enough I'm afraid I forgot to say goodbye I'm afraid you're under the impression That I was made to please you I was under the impression you understood me better The truth is, I'm a superwoman And some days I'm an angry woman And some days I'm a crazy woman For still waiting, for still loving harder even if I'm aching For still trusting that I'm still worth the most For still searching for someone to understand me better.”

                                                              ⇢

When her eyes opened and her mouth finally stopped moving, it felt like she was coming down from another planet. She can see the audience snapping in response, but the actual sound is one that falls upon deaf ears. Her ears are ringing ━ ringing with a joy that was gonna be hard to match. She repeated her spoken word in her head; this time it resembled somewhat of a mantra. Yes, the meaning behind it for her had change just that quickly. But, wasn’t that the beauty of words? 

A small smile graces her features as she claps her hands together, preparing to leave the stage and give time to the next performer. “I appreciate the love. Thank y’all.”

Boy, was that a ride.

Spoken Word/Poem from Kehlani’s album, SweetSexySavage, entitled ‘Intro’. Spoken by Reyna Biddy.

[waxxedwings-blog]

Howdy y’all I’m Maya bringing you the newest disaster gay to grace your screens. Here’s Icarus or most commonly known as Elijah Skies

Icarus

Icarus is the root of the expression “flew too close to the sun”. He is ambitious, and refuses to think pragmatically or sensibly. His dreams are sky high, and he will achieve them no matter what the cost. He has an innate curiosity about him that pushes him to do things that she should not, making him almost possess a childish wonder for the world around him. Bored extremely easily, he can’t settle for the mundane and repetitive nature of life. He’s willing to go the extra mile for something exciting, something new. Icarus is reckless and fearless, having no qualms about rebelling against the wisdom of others if he believes it to be the best. He refuses to allow the earth to tie him down, and is stubborn about it. His ambitions and desire for something more out of life more often than not leads him to trouble, and he doesn’t always see the consequences to his actions. He can be blinded by an ideal picture of reality rather than what’s right in front of him. Icarus has a yearning to him that’s profoundly more present in his self than in perhaps many others. His determination and passion knows no bounds, and he’ll pursue his dreams with a reckless abandon. He’s the epitome of the misguided youth, and a cautionary tale for children that come after him. All this being said, he’d rather go out in a blaze of glory than something unremarkable. 

Elijah

Present day, Elijah is more or less the same, except he is slightly more mature and focuses his efforts into something less dangerous, but still risky. He’s delightfully cheerful and mischievous, with a youthful energy that hasn’t been lost in the cynicism of the world. Elijah has lofty dreams of being a broadway star, and while he’s reached broadway that is not enough for him. Nothing will ever be enough for him. Elijah is stubborn as a mule, and about as prideful as one could expect. He refuses to take the easy way and let his father handle everything, and instead pursues his star studded dreams of being an actor. Elijah thinks of the world and sees it through rose colored glasses, he’s frightfully optimistic and does not let difficulties get in the way of his success. He also doesn’t let others pessimistic view of reality set him off either. He takes charge of his ambitions and determinations and intends to see them through. Elijah can’t see the dangers or malicious intent behind a lot of people or things, being blinded by the light so to speak. Elijah is a young man, so he’s naturally filled with a sort of energy that’s rare among those over 30. Elijah doesn’t know when to quit, or even when to stop at all. He pushes the limits of everything around him, always wanting to travel to new heights. His career as an actor allows him to do this, and his outgoing demeanor and natural charisma on the stage make him a force to be reckoned with. Elijah is slightly more mature than Icarus, in the fact that he does think through his actions. Overall, Elijah and Icarus are extremely similar, but Elijah is more focused on becoming immortal in the eyes of the theatre. They both still are flying towards the sun, however. Hopefully it’ll end better for Elijah than Icarus. 

Think of Elijah and Icarus as the kids in high school who everyone thinks is full of shit but then they turn out to be actually telling the truth but then you never see them again and the school just says ‘they were enrolled.’

He’s also still quoting vines in the year of 2019 so sjdqiuabepcufQH

[mads-cline]

hey y’all, so i’m trying to get some new threads going because my indie/mumu/1x1 (whatever you wanna call it) blog has slowed down, so i figured i do a little brief thing about the muses i most want to play rn, and then a couple faces that i’m dying to write even though i don’t have anything about the charas figured out! you can also find my muse page here, so if none of these peeps strike your fancy, i’m always down to write whomever, so feel free to either hit me up about one of them, or drop a like on this. anyways, i’ll ramble below the cut!

winnie mearns (alicia vikander) - 28 years old, ballerina.

muse page summary: ballerina with more health problems that just physically. self esteem issues that lead to some addiction and eating disorder issues. ballet is pretty from on stage but not so much from up close. she’s sweet and caring and kind but if she sees someone being an asshole, her sass levels crank up. has no patience for cruelty. probably cause she’s experience her fair share.

lilli blake (halston sage) - 23-26 years old, graduate student.

muse page summary: a true kind hearted soul. always sets out with the best intentions. empathetic beyond belief. quick to laugh, quick to cry. studying to be a journalist. tries to find the best in people. don't be mistaken, though - none of that means she won't stand up for herself. she's no pushover.

nora mulligan (stella maeve) - 26 years old, typical suffering artist. 

muse page summary: some artists are pessimists dwelling on the end of life and some artists are optimists dwelling on the beauty of it all. nora distinctly falls into the pessimist category. probably cause her dad died, giving her a host of abandonment and daddy issues. copes by putting into her art and numbing the pain of life with drugs and alcohol rather than, you know, therapy. 

marlene bregman (caitlin stasey) - 27-28 years old, newscaster. 

muse page summary: just your local newscaster. adopted. originally wanted to go into investigative journalism, partially because she wanted to find her parents, but when she had to take broadcasting classes, her plans changed. with a face like that, why wouldn't you pursue a career on air? loves a good protest. great at feminist rants.

millie sinclair (amber heard) -  28-29 years old, food critic.

muse page summary: kinda sorta married her high school sweetheart and kinda sorta never ended up getting divorced. she still holds a torch, but her love for him is still second to her love for food. born and raised manhattanite socialite who’s been featured on the pages of vogue more than once. she makes a mean meal but spends her time writing reviews on other people’s cooking instead of sharing her own. harsh tongue on paper, complete sweetheart in real life. 

maris deangelo (shailene woodley) - 26-27 years old, actress. (will also play younger). 

muse page summary: hollywood. royalty. with a capital R. no one took her serious, probably because she spent her late teens dancing on tables and getting caught by paparazzi. used to get offered roles just for her name. took some time off and went to college to find herself. now it turns out she's got some talent too if she just took herself seriously. she's not surprised, but everyone else is.

and then the non-developed muses i wanna try that i don’t have much to say about but hey if you’re ok with that then so am i: 

kyle (danielle campbell) - 22-24 years old

bryn (olivia culpo) - 26-28 years old 

sutton (lucy fry) - 25-27 years old

gabrielle (jodie comer) - 25-27 years old

[inspobyphae]

100 questions

PART 1: THE BASICS

What is your full name? “phaedra chiara cattaneo.”

Where and when were you born? “i was born on the amalfi coast july 16th, 1995.”

Who are/were your parents? "my dad, agostino cattaneo, is a shipping heir from italy and my mom, sophia lamond cattaneo, is an artist, specifically a painter! she kept her other last name as her middle name because she had a name before she met my father. they’re wonderful, oh god! i could go on for an entire hour about the both of them. they met in santorini around new years eve back in like 1993. it was one of those whirlwind loves, you know? they met and it was like fireworks were going off from every angle of the earth. they fell madly in love and got married on new years eve 1994 going into 1995, no one knew my mom was already pregnant with me but she was! my grandparents on my dad’s side were super pissed mostly because they’re traditional old italians whereas my mother was a pretty, young girl from australia who fell in love with a man like, 15 years her senior...they quickly got over it, though. my mom did everything to make them happy! she learned italian, she married him before having me! ugh, i’m going to text them now.” 

Do you have any siblings? What are/were they like? “i have one half-sibling from my dad’s first marriage when he was just 18. we’re sort of close, but i rarely see him! he’s an investment banker, totally opposite of what i do! he never misses an opening show of my tour, though. what a sweetie.” 

Where do you live now, and with whom? Describe the place and the person/people. “i live in beverly hills with my three dogs and my best friend actually moved in when everything happened a year and a half ago. my dogs are john jeanes but jj for short in honor of...well, you know! then i have severus & minerva from harry potter, but i call them sevy and mini! my house is super earthy on the outside, it has vines growing up for an aesthetic look and privacy. the inside is more modern.” 

What is your occupation? “i’m a singer!” 

Write a full physical description of yourself. You might want to consider factors such as: height, weight, race, hair and eye color, style of dress, and any tattoos, scars, or distinguishing marks. “so, i’m a tiny gal! i’m only five feet tall, it’s quite rude to ask about weight, though don't you think? silly! my natural hair is brown and my eyes are hazel. i’m italian and australian, thanks to my lovely parents! my style? it’s all over the place, but i love comfy clothes that are bigger when i’m not on stage cause i kind of look like a bad bitch on stage or for photoshoots. i also wear a lot of jj’s clothes that i have because they make me feel good and happy. i kind of just wear whatever i feel like wearing. i do love a cute dress, too! i have a ton of tattoos?! i recently got a butterfly on my arm. i’ve got honeymoon on my finger after my song! i’ve got a bunch of random finger tattoos, a movie character on my arm, stars and moon on my hand, and also baby on my arm.”

To which social class do you belong? “definitely the upper class, by birth and by my own career.” 

Do you have any allergies, diseases, or other physical weaknesses? “i honestly, don't? unless you count depression as a disease because i see it that way. i’m doing my best to work through that, though.”

Are you right- or left-handed? “right handed!”

What does your voice sound like? “this is my speaking voice and y’all obviously know my singing voice!”

What words and/or phrases do you use very frequently? “i say whatever a lot, next, okay, baby, all of those! i also say blessed at least twice a day.”

What do you have in your pockets? “i have some chapstick in my left pocket and $20 in my right.” 

Do you have any quirks, strange mannerisms, annoying habits, or other defining characteristics? “i squint my eyes a lot because i should wear glasses, haha.”

PART 2: GROWING UP

How would you describe your childhood in general? “amazing, wonderful, blessed.”

What is your earliest memory? “my earliest memory is running around on the coast when i was like three with my neighbor boyfriend who totally wasn't my real boyfriend but i loved him.” 

How much schooling have you had? “i graduated high school.”

Did you enjoy school? “i did, honestly. some classes more than others. i was trash at mathematics, always. thrived at history and languages, though.”

Where did you learn most of your skills and other abilities? “through trial and error but also from my mother.” 

While growing up, did you have any role models? If so, describe them. “my mother!”

While growing up, how did you get along with the other members of your family?

As a child, what did you want to be when you grew up? “i wanted to be whatever i could be! it ranged from a ballerina to going to the olympics to a princess.”

As a child, what were your favorite activities? “i loved to dance, run around outdoors, explore new places.”

As a child, what kinds of personality traits did you display? “i was very impatient which has changed now! i also loved to say no, my mom joked that was my first word.”

As a child, were you popular? Who were your friends, and what were they like? “i was rather loved as a child, thank god. i had three close friends, one was my cousin adelaide! we’re still extremely fucking close to this day. the other was kate drummond who lives with me now and then tyson warby aka ty! we’re all extremely close still, not a day goes by we don't talk.”

When and with whom was your first kiss? “my first kiss was greg parsons on the school yard in middle school. so embarrassing, but it was a dare! i never turn down a dare!”

Are you a virgin? If not, when and with whom did you lose your virginity? “i’m not a virgin. i lost it to my friend boyfriend who was a legendary rockstar’s son! his name is blue, y’all surely know him. i love him still, but not in that same way. he’s always the first one to check on me throughout my day.” 

PART 3: PAST INFLUENCES

What do you consider the most important event of your life so far? “probably meeting jj.”

Who has had the most influence on you? “my mother, jj, and myself.”

What do you consider your greatest achievement? “winning a grammy!”

What is your greatest regret? “my biggest regret is going to paris in august 2018.”

What is the most evil thing you have ever done? “the most evil thing i’ve done was in high school and there was a girl who did not get along with me and i completely embarrassed her by having her kicked out of a party. she wasn't even doing anything, we just had beef.”

Do you have a criminal record of any kind? “nope!”

When was the time you were the most frightened? “when jj died.”

What is the most embarrassing thing ever to happen to you? “i fall down on stage often, honestly.” 

If you could change one thing from your past, what would it be, and why? “i’d change going to paris. i don't think you really need to know why because that’s rather fucking obvious.”

What is your best memory? “there was one night after the academy awards that jj and i were a bit drunk at home and this beautiful song came on over the speakers. it was an alt-j song! we were up on the rooftop and he just took my hand and started to slow dance with me. i remember laying my head into his chest and crying, i wasn't sure why i was crying but i was and he was so tender with me.”

What is your worst memory? “i don't want to answer this.”

PART 4: BELIEFS & OPINIONS

Are you basically optimistic or pessimistic? “i try to be the most optimistic i can be.”

What is your greatest fear? “i have faced that, it was losing a loved one.”

What are your religious views? “there’s a higher power, but i do not believe that it is a man in the sky. i don't shame anyone for believing what they do, though. it’s everyone’s world to build themselves and so it’s fine if you think what you think.”

What are your political views? “next.”

What are your views on sex? “it’s beautiful and essential.” 

Are you able to kill? Under what circumstances do you find killing to be acceptable or unacceptable? “i think i would only be able to if it were in self-defense.”

In your opinion, what is the most evil thing any human being could do? “purposely break someones heart! that’s pure evil energy.”

Do you believe in the existence of soul mates and/or true love? “yes, absofuckinglutely yes!”

What do you believe makes a successful life? “being dedicated and loving whatever it is you're trying to be successful at.”

How honest are you about your thoughts and feelings (i.e. do you hide your true self from others, and in what way)? “completely honest. i try not to let the public know too much because i like to keep my life a bit private, but i’m generally honest when asked about things.” 

Do you have any biases or prejudices? “i am biased towards my family because they are the best.”

Is there anything you absolutely refuse to do under any circumstances? Why do you refuse to do it? “pose nude, i know that i could do it but i do not want the backlash.”

Who or what, if anything, would you die for (or otherwise go to extremes for)? “i’d probably die to let jj come back, that’s weird isn't it?”

PART 5: RELATIONSHIPS W/OTHERS

In general, how do you treat others (politely, rudely, by keeping them at a distance, etc.)? Does your treatment of them change depending on how well you know them, and if so, how? “i’m a sweet little baby and i know it. i think that life is so fragile and you absolutely never understand what others are going through to be the way that they are, so why waste energy being a bitch? don’t get me wrong, i will stand my ground given that i need to, but in general until i am tested i am polite and sweet.”

Who is the most important person in your life, and why? “i would say my dogs because they’re literally my emotional support! my mother and father as well, as my close friend group.”

Who is the person you respect the most, and why? “i respect me the most because i have been through the ringer and deserve the best life i can have.” 

Have you ever been in love? If so, describe what happened. “i have been in love multiple times. each love is grand and very different, though i have not felt love since jj’s ascension to heaven or the after life. i haven't allowed myself to feel that way, though. i know i am keeping myself in a box over that, it’s confining and keeping me from my full life but i am not ready yet.”

What do you look for in a potential lover? “someone tender and who can love all of me, my past included. i need someone who understands i will always feel deeply for jj and all things in my life and someone who can deal with my emotions.” 

How close are you to your family? “very!”

Have you started your own family? If so, describe them. If not, do you want to? Why or why not? “i have not, aside from my dogs. i will eventually love to have children, but not right now i have so much more to do before that.”

Who would you turn to if you were in desperate need of help? “my mother.”

Do you trust anyone to protect you? Who, and why? “i do! anyone in my close circle because they have been there for me to protect me before.” 

If you died or went missing, who would miss you? “i think that anyone in my life would miss me? i’d love to think that anyways.” 

Who is the person you despise the most, and why? “i’m not really sure? maybe the president.” 

Do you tend to argue with people, or avoid conflict? “i tend to avoid it unless it’s something i truly stand up for and believe it and then i will fight for it.”

Do you tend to take on leadership roles in social situations? “ definitely! i think that’s a good quality to have.” 

Do you like interacting with large groups of people? Why or why not? “i have a love/hate relationship with that? i get anxiety sometimes now but i try to do my best with it. sometimes i’ve got to smoke before dealing with large crowds.” 

Do you care what others think of you? “not really, honestly. it’s my life and not theirs, so what is it to them? nothing.”

PART 6: LIKES & DISLIKES

What is/are your favorite hobbies and pastimes? “i like to swim, explore new places, go on hikes! i’ve learned to love cooking, too! it’s something i’ve picked up only in the last like six months or so. i surprisingly like to camp, too. most people don't know that, but it’s nice because paps don't find you in the middle of the desert or the forest! i enjoy going to live music shows or festivals.” 

What is your most treasured possession? “i’d say jj’s favorite hoodie!”

What is your favorite color? “i like soft purple.”

What is your favorite food? “avocados! i think i could turn into one with how much i eat them.” 

What, if anything, do you like to read? “i like to read fiction novels as well as historical books.”

What is your idea of good entertainment (consider music, movies, art, etc.)? “everything!!! i love art in any and every form.” 

Do you smoke, drink, or use drugs? If so, why? Do you want to quit? “i do smoke and i do drink. i have used drugs in the past, but not often especially after jj’s death.” 

How do you spend a typical Saturday night? “on my couch with my dogs or in my backyard drinking.”

What makes you laugh? “i love to laugh, i try to laugh at most everything at hand because there is humor in everything.”

What, if anything, shocks or offends you? “racism! i cannot believe it still exists. it’s disgusting.” 

What would you do if you had insomnia and had to find something to do to amuse yourself?

How do you deal with stress?

Are you spontaneous, or do you always need to have a plan?

What are your pet peeves?

PART 7: SELF IMAGES & OTHER

Describe the routine of a normal day for you. How do you feel when this routine is disrupted?

What is your greatest strength as a person?

What is your greatest weakness?

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

Are you generally introverted or extroverted?

Are you generally organized or messy?

Name three things you consider yourself to be very good at, and three things you consider yourself to be very bad at.

Do you like yourself?

What are your reasons for being an adventurer (or doing the strange and heroic things that RPG characters do)? Are your real reasons for doing this different than the ones you tell people in public? (If so, detail both sets of reasons…)

What goal do you most want to accomplish in your lifetime?

Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

If you could choose, how would you want to die?

If you knew you were going to die in 24 hours, name three things you would do in the time you had left.

What is the one thing for which you would most like to be remembered after your death?

What three words best describe your personality?

What three words would others probably use to describe you?

If you could, what advice would you, the player, give to your character? (You might even want to speak as if he or she were sitting right here in front of you, and use proper tone so he or she might heed your advice…)

[thedestinydiariez]

how to get over the “love of your life” in 30 days

week one: marinate in the turmoil, scream bloody murder at red lights. if you try to keep it in, you’ll only lose it in broad daylight on a random tuesday bc you opened your trunk and saw the grocery basket you stole like bonnie n clyde... i know from... experience.

escape your headspace. your city. your gently placed reminders. mild to moderate drug use is relatively encouraged at this stage. eat the entire kushy punch. this is rock bottom, roll around in it, make it an astonishing recovery story. wash your sheets. twice. listen to the birdy version of let her go. sleep for 14 hours.

week 2: gasoline is cheap these days. burn their belongings. goodwill or the trash works too just a little less flavor. don’t attempt to keep just a few of your fav sentiments, theyll be all the more bothersome. change all the picture frames. if you haven’t already BLOCK BLOCK BLOCK, includes your phone, ya mamas phone, ya best friends phone. delete all pictures in recently deleted too. cancer placements i’m talking to you. this is your spring cleaning period. burn allll the sage and lavender.

week 3: the most vital of all. open the blinds. crawl your way out. out of the fantasy you drew up and create a better dreamworld. ivy lining the walls and metallic colors lighting the sky. i’m no van gogh but i’ve done a decent amount of painting & even its awful it’s still fused with passion. i’ve also done a ridiculous amount of writing- seriously y’all should see my drafts. mediate but don’t get too accustomed to silence. drink a glass of wine. a bottle. who’s counting. read, distract from your own unhappy ending. make amends with yourself. accept that you can be so incredibly wrong about a person at no fault of your own. it only makes you human to seek the good. don’t let heartache make you pessimistic. remain calm.

week 4: you’re still in the running to be america’s next best version of yourself. i personally had a serena vandersooden in the hamptons moment. now that i can look at the situation as an outsider i’m so thankful that i snapped out of it. sometimes ill get random floods of grief. starts as spouts of frustration, upset that i could be letting the unchangable get the best of me AGAIN. i feel dumb for letting another entity control my emotions with the flick of a switch. but i funnel it out anyway, as quick as possible, rip off the band aid, let my open wound aerolize. a twisted part of me hopes that pain travels like a speed of light to the center of the heart that cursed me. of all the resentments i’ve carried ive never felt guilt. i know i love with no limitations. a care that might scare those incapable of loving themselves. i take pride in every act i participate in. i know that i had genuine intentions and i gave my best & then some. if the absolute most wasn’t enough on some invisible scale, then atleast i went out fighting. it is no reflection of my character that i was gullible. of course i trusted the one i loved blindly. well played but i don’t feel guilty for loving the wrong person because in the collective moments it felt meant to be. i won’t apologize to anyone but myself. having to cope with losing me has to be worse than any punishment i can conjure up. im in awe of all the amazing friends i have that remind me love comes in all shapes and sizes. i owe it all to them- for mirroring the strength i had inside. i look back at what i’ve written just a year ago and i can’t recall the girl who wrote it. we all are ever evolving. hell i wanted to end it last month for someone who may or not be one of my soul mates. as if i wasn’t already planning to throw my life away metaphorically i wanted to literally put the nail in the coffin. i hope the relief i’m overcome with continues into oblivion. i long for the day i feel nothing but silliness for my dramatics.

the destiny’s survival guide is for the die hard lovers out there who are still hung up on their first. if you’re looking for a sign to not zoom them- this is it. for all the lovers out there drowning- don’t forget the little people. you’ll come down eventually. for all my girls out there who spent every waking moment in quarantine with their partner just to remember that men have not and will never will be shit- it’s for the greater good honey. you’ll spend countless hours mapping out the how and why. you just need to know one fact, it happened and it’s done for a reason. all i ever talk about is being in love because love is the only real currency in life. it dictates every move a homosapien makes. you’ll know when you have it. you’ll know when it’s gone and you’ll know when it’s true.

[usuallyrics-blog]

Pound Cake / Paris Morton Music 2

New Lyrics has been published on usuallyrics.com https://usuallyrics.com/lyrics/pound-cake-paris-morton-music-2/

Pound Cake / Paris Morton Music 2

[Christian Rich and Utters:] “Good God Almighty. Like back in the old days. You know, years ago they had the A&R men to tell you what to play, how to play it and you know whether it’s disco and rock but we just went in the studio and we did it. We had champagne in the studio, of course, you know, compliments of the company, and we just laid back and did it. So we hope you enjoy listening to this album half as much as we enjoyed playing it for you. Because we had a ball. Only real music is gonna last, all the other bullshit is here today and gone tomorrow…”

Cash rules everything around me C.R.E.A.M. get the money Dollar dollar bill y’all

[Drake:] After hours at Il Mulino Or Sotto Sotto, just talkin’ women and vino The contract like ’91 Dan Marino I swear this guy Michael Rapino’s boostin’ my ego Overly focused, it’s far from the time to rest now Debates growin’ ’bout who they think is the best now Took a while, got the jokers out of the deck now I’m holdin’ all the cards and niggas wanna play chess now I hear you talkin’, say it twice so I know you meant it Fuck it, I don’t even tint it, they should know who’s in it I’m authentic, real name, no gimmicks No game, no scrimmage, I ain’t playin’ with you niggas at all My classmates, they went on to be chartered accountants Or work with their parents, but thinkin’ back on how they treated me My high school reunion might be worth an appearance Make everybody have to go through security clearance Tables turn, bridges burn, you live and learn With the ink, I could murder word to my nigga Irv Yeah, I swear shit just started clickin’ dog You know it’s real when you are who you think you are

Cash rules everything around me C.R.E.A.M. get the money Dollar dollar bill y’all

[Jay Z:] I had Benzes ‘fore you had braces The all-black Maybach but I’m not a racist Inside’s whiter than Katy Perry’s face is Yellow diamonds in my Jesús I just might learn to speak Mandarin Japanese for the yen that I’m handlin’ International Hov, that’s my handle My saint’s Changó, light a candle El Gran Santo on the mantle ‘Case y’all didn’t know, I speak Spanish too Shout out to Worldwide Wes Everywhere we go we leave a worldwide mess Yes, still Roc La Familia Says a lot about you if you not feelin’ us The homie said, “Hov, it ain’t many of us.” I told him, “Less is more, niggas. It’s plenty of us.”

Cash rules everything around me C.R.E.A.M. get the money Dollar dollar bill y’all

[Jay Z:] Cake, cake cake cake cake cake 500 million, I got a pound cake Niggas is frontin’, that’s upside-down cake Get ’em a red nose, they clown cakes They shoulda never let you ’round cake Look at my neck, I got a carrot cake Now here’s the icing on the cake Cake, cake cake cake cake I’m just gettin’ started, oh yeah we got it bitch I’ve done made more millionaires than the lotto did Dame made millions, Biggs made millions Ye made millions, Just made millions Lyor made millions, Cam made millions Beans’a tell you if he wasn’t in his feelings I’m back in my bag My eyes bloodshot but my jet don’t lag A pair of Jordan 3’s tryna chase this cash Gucci air bag just in case we crash Uh, last night was mad trill I’m fresh out of Advil, Jesus, grab the wheel

[Drake:] Look, fuck all that “Happy to be” here shit that y’all want me on I’m the big homie, they still be tryna little bro me dog Like I should fall in line, like I should alert niggas When I’m ’bout to drop somethin’ crazy and not say I’m the greatest of my generation Like I should be dressin’ different Like I should be less aggressive and pessimistic Like I should be way more nervous and less dismissive Like I should be on my best behavior And not talk my shit and do it major like the niggas who paved a way for us Like I didn’t study the game to the letter And understand that I’m not doin’ it the same, man, I’m doin’ it better Like I didn’t make that clearer this year Like I should feel–I don’t know–guilty for saying that They should put a couple more mirrors in here so I can stare at myself These are usually just some thoughts that I would share with myself But I thought, “Fuck.” It’s worth it to share it with someone else other than Paris for once I text her from time to time. She a mom now I guess sometimes life forces us to calm down I told her that she could live with me if she needs to. I got a compound but I think she straight ‘Cause she supported since Hot Beats Right before Wayne came and got me out of the back room Where I was rapping with Jas over beats That I shouldn’t have in the hopes for the glory He walked right past in the hallway three months later I’m his artist he probably wouldn’t remember that story But that shit stick with me always couldn’t believe when he called me you never know it could happen to you And I just spent four Ferraris all on a brand new Bugatti and did that shit ’cause it’s something to do Yeah, I guess that’s just who I became, dog, nothing was the same, dog

Who is Drake

Aubrey Drake Graham – Canadian actor and musician. Degrassi: Jimmy Brooks from the next generation. As a rapper, Drake uses his stage name.

[usuallyrics-blog]

A Scorpio's Mind

New Lyrics has been published on usuallyrics.com https://usuallyrics.com/lyrics/a-scorpios-mind/

A Scorpio's Mind

(feat. Nickelus F)

[Nickelus F: speaking] Niggas in the city hatin’ me man they trippin’ When I’m the only one that’s really spittin’ My nigga Lil Lee the only one that’s really grippin’ Why you deck(?) me up actin’ like like we cool if you don’t feel him nigga?

Uh, I’m bringing back hip hop Me and my nigga Drake VA, Toronto, Hip-Hop

[Verse: Nickelus F] Aiight let me take my jacket off Unlace the timbs, here again comes the jabberjaw This time I’m blabbin on These rappers that feel a certain way but they get me yappin off Mad cuz the freestyle iller than they whole catalog I got the gift like Santa Claus Flow got spring like a catapult Matter fact the flow Supreme like Diana Ross I’m at the do’ like a deer with the antlers off Niggas acting like Scummy was they neega(?) Wouldn’t even give my man a 12 bar feature I know who you are cause he wanted me to eat ya I said nah lets keep it peaceful My nigga was a true weed source He gave it to us for a cheap cost, for prices we all could eat off A real street dog The type of nigga that y’all niggas be studying learning how to get street off We have an impostor, alert the doctor Bout to hit him up with the chopper like Blaka Shock em like Blanca from Street Fighter, heat got a Hurricane kick, murder everything quick Look, my new Ryu nine is stupendous Why do guys choose my crew to pick wit My crew lie you guys into ditches I said it and meant it the Scorpio’s Mind has many dimensions I’ll say it in intent, sentence, indent, on instant pimpin Hope your listenin to my diction If you are then you now should be itchin That its crack we placed in your stereo system Yea, I be at your burial trippin Nickelus F from Richmond VA, The Scorpio’s Mind is not a game to play wit all day

[Verse: Drake] I’ve been hated by many, wanted by plenty Disliked by some, but confronted by none Since they don’t show me sincerity, I load up, lock up Take shots at em I guess you could call it a parody But compared to D They one-fourth from watermelon to a quarter felon, dude you a pear to me If that’s not how it is it ain’t how it appear to be You got blind heaters, in my sweats is a mind reader And when the psychic get to touchin my palm Seein your physical, the things that you never say to me visible Especially when one of your artist feelin threatened Cause I’m harnessin a weapon, won’t you pardon my reflection Mirror, mirror tell me why they wanna get and scrimmage To play around, to perfection I’m the spittin image My verbal camp is vivid, I told you I’m spittin image It seems we often want to start but never get to finish My verbal campus is Villanova, and those of you feelin Hova And writing college rhymes, but the thrill is over Let me assist you like a specialist So you can pull it back and try catch the metaphors and the rest of this It’s not a problem wit X, I guess I’m a pessimist Which means if shit goes bad, I say “I expected this” And me and Julien we never got the chance to communicate Instead of understanding its a tune of hate The city’s mine like Oklahoma’s a Sooner state And we’re gonna have to cross paths whether soon or late So, why don’t you walk up in the spot using less strut You aint Morris Chestnut, you lighter and less cut And lets be honest, by now you should be your own scholar You still a protege, that’s the reason I don’t holler You got rappers being repetitive actors You stay ahead of the game, I’m ahead of the practice boi

Who is Drake

Aubrey Drake Graham – Canadian actor and musician. Degrassi: Jimmy Brooks from the next generation. As a rapper, Drake uses his stage name.