#I’m too fat and uncoordinated for that lol

[wellthebardsdead]

I- just realised my want to give Wyrm ballet pointe shoes was another trauma of mine related to both my body image and neurodivergence’s.

I didn’t even complete my first year of pointe dance practice because the teacher said I was too fat, and too uncoordinated.

Fuck it I’m making him dance in the next one. I’ll come up with some convoluted reason to shoehorn it into the story lol

[ittybittylilthing]

I’ve always wanted to be a ballet dancer

[shimmershae]

Some, okay a lot, of pre-mid season (tri? season) finale thoughts.  As if you actually asked for them, lol.

And no, I haven’t actually watched the last episode yet.  I’ve been putting it off all morning.  For reasons.  Reasons that I felt the inexplicable need to put on paper, er, screen.  

If you care at all to read the purging of my fatigued TWD fangirl mind, please look beneath the cut.  Fair warning.  It’s long so pull up a chair maybe, lol.  

I’ll admit it.  The spoilers indicating a significant lack of Carol/Melissa content has dampened much of my enthusiasm and there wasn’t all that much to start with.  

Let me tell you why--

The season, so far, has been woefully unbalanced in favor of the Reaper storyline and the Maggie/Negan conflict (which ties back to the Reaper storyline by the flimsiest of strings) and I’m just not invested.  

Why?  

Well, it’s multifold.  

#1 reason why?  Having a third of the last season ever of TWD devoted to going inside “the lions’ den” of villains I have no emotional connection to or curiosity about is a big fat fail.  

You might say “but there’s the Daryl double agent” aspect and I say “so fucking what” because it was so poorly conceived and has felt like such a WTF set of fraying puppet strings for this plot Angela was apparently jonesing to tell from the GO, damn the torpedoes she had to know where inevitably coming her way.  

Seriously.  I had talked myself into accepting that which I could not change, citing Daryl’s emotional brokenness after Rick.  Convincing myself he’d lost his anchor to goodness and hope and fulfillment in his years of self-imposed exile from Carol and what was left of his family and to a certain extent?  I can still by that explanation.  But really.  It’s the Leah of it all.  

Let me attempt to explain.  

To do that, maybe I should detail how I’ve always perceived Daryl.  

Daryl, IMHO, began this journey with us and the rest of Team Family with a figurative fortress erected around his true, core self.  

He was prickly.  Defensive to any overtures of kindness because he inherently did not trust them.  Loathe to form any real connection to anyone other than Merle, his blood.  

Daryl balked at the possibility of emotional connection and flinched in learned fear from physical touch.  

He did not recognize or accept affection or respect at face value because it was something rarely shown to him before.  

Anybody else remember that childhood abuse book from Consumed?  You know.  One of those first times the showrunners/writers dumped a character nugget in our laps and left it to us to do all the backstory in our own imaginations so they didn’t have to enrich their own characters beyond the scratch and sniff, wham bam this is who they are work?  

Anyway.  We were left to extrapolate from that what most of us h ad already suspected--that Daryl’s formative years were already a living hell before the ZA ever happened.  

So he was standoffish.  He didn’t form emotional connections lightly and physical intimacy was something light years out of his comfort zone.  

Until Carol.  

Daryl’s defenses started to crumble from the very start with Carol because she piqued his interest.  He looked at her, watched her withstand Ed’s abuse, and recognized something of himself.  

Against his will, Daryl started to care and when Carol lost the one good thing that had come out of her miserable life with Ed--Sophia--Daryl’s core identity started to be revealed to us and probably?  To himself after burying it so deep for so long.  

Long story short?  Daryl connected with Carol pretty quickly on a base level through the trauma of Sophia’s loss.  

The real connection, the emotional work it too to peel all those protective layers away took more like--like planting a flower from seed and tending it to help it survive and flourish.  

Simply said?  The work was put in and Daryl bloomed with Carol’s (and Team Family’s) care.  They all put in varying degrees of work but Carol planted the seed of his “belonging.”  

And the thing about Daryl?  Once he bloomed?  He grew strong.  He stretched toward the sun.  

He and Carol essentially bloomed and fought their way toward the sunlight together.  

And little by little, Daryl learned to accept the kindness, trust, and love he always deserved.  

From that newly confident man emerged a Daryl not so fearful of forming connections and none have ever been more powerful than his connection to Carol.  

I’ll spare ya’ll the paragraphs of how Daryl and Carol gravitated toward each other like magnets no matter the means of separation.  

I’ll just spell it out like this:  their bond supersedes all others, even Daryl’s bond with Rick.  And with Daryl only accepting affection from those he trusts implicitly, Carol and Daryl have been the only potential “romantic” pairing that has ever fully made sense for his established character.  

At least the character before Angela launched the grenade of Leah into the mix.  

Leah was a fail from the start.  

And you know what?  I’m thinking that was largely intended (for various reasons) but I still think they could have shown Daryl as receptive to having a “romantic” relationship to those willfully blind to the possibility that he’s actually been in a “romantic” relationship with Carol since Season 2.  Never mind that Carol and Daryl haven’t (yet) crossed certain physical boundaries yet.  Emotionally? They are already there even if neither is able to admit it out loud with the actual words yet.  But I digress.  The people that never wanted to “see” Carol and Daryl as “romantic” because they couldn’t fathom Daryl as seeing Carol in that light had already deemed that Daryl just didn’t feel that way about her, that maybe he didn’t feel that way about anybody (if they couldn’t have their way and have him feel that way about their preferred choice for him, they preferred him alone), and Angela wanted to show them differently.  To show them the light.  

That said, if Angela was so hellbent on doing Leah?  There were a multitude of better ways.  

Here.  I’ll give you one of them.  

Daryl isolates himself from his family after Rick’s “death” same as he did in Angela’s version.  

Carol’s been being pulled more and more to the Kingdom because Henry’s needing a mother figure is like catnip to her hurting natural-born, hurting Mama’s heart.  So Daryl’s anchor to the man he’d matured into, the one with all these earned emotional attachments, is reeled back in, little by little, leaving him unmoored.  

Dog literally runs into him just as before.  It hardly makes sense given how young and floppy and uncoordinated puppies are and thus vulnerable to danger, but this is the least of things we need to worry about suspending disbelief for right?  ;)

Dog and Daryl continue to have these run ins until Daryl decides to retrace the puppy’s clumsy trail and viola!  He finds Leah’s cabin and Leah inside.  She levels the same shotgun at him, they have a standoff, until---

Leah suddenly lowers the gun and incredulously says Daryl’s name.  

That’s right.  One simple change and Daryl and Leah have an undefined past already.  

Daryl doesn’t completely let his guard down because he’s Daryl, but he relaxes enough that we see he doesn’t immediately regard Leah as dangerious to his own well-being.  

From that point on, instead of tying Daryl up and threatening him, we could have been told the story of how they knew each other from before.  

My version goes a little something like this--

Daryl met Leah through Merle.  Merle, in turn, met Leah through the military before he got discharged.  He and Leah had an ongoing “I scratch your itch if you scratch mine” thing and Leah?  Well, she always had a bit of a soft spot/interest in Daryl that Daryl never really returned.  

The thing is, though?  With losing the chosen brother that filled the hole left behind by his lost blood brother Merle and losing Carol to her chasing after a chance of a new family (because she feels Daryl’s out of her reach too, our too blind and stupidly, silently in love idiots)?  Daryl finds himself embracing the shared memories however minimal of that brief past and his grief and loneliness leave him receptive to Leah’s eventual advances in ways he never was before.  

We’re still given hints of their unfolding relationship and we still don’t like it, but it makes more sense for Daryl to cling to the past when he feels he’s lost his future.  

Leah still gives her ultimatum (there’s a reason she gravitated toward Merle in perhaps his most toxic state, she’s more than a little fucked up too) and it’s not as much of a hard sell that Daryl might be pulled in Leah’s direction when he feels Carol is all but lost to him.  

Hell.  They could have even explicitly discussed Carol.  But wait!  Angela would have never allowed that because she doesn’t want to shatter all the crackship dreams in one fell swoop.  

But the story from that point on could have continued just as it has and probably I still wouldn’t have liked it but I could have at least bought it somewhat and understood it.  

Obviously, it didn’t. 

I don’t buy the Leah of it all.  Angela built that “relationship” with monopoly money and it shows.  

Because I don’t buy Leah period.  I don’t buy Daryl giving even giving a shit about trying to or feeling like there’s a snowball’s chance to redeem her so I’m not engaged whatsoever with this Daryl double agent story and him even givign her crumbs about his real family.  

That part rings false.  

So that’s a big problem right there and we haven’t even gotten to the other part I don’t buy.  

You know what else I don’t buy?  

#2?  

Why the hell are the Reapers so bloodthirsty for Maggie’s departure from this mortal coil?  

Without giving better reasoning than they’re just cray-cray, the entire faceplants and considering it’s taken up about 70% of 11A’s focus?  I’m pissed.  

Because, IMHO, they should go big or go home on this to give it any entertainment value because it’s all stale, recycled air if not.  

Maggie’s been established as a much darker character this season.  Which led me to believer the Reapers probably had a legit beef against her, but it seems Angela is reluctant to go all that way down the rabbit hole and doesn’t want to commit to what could be a more entertaining and potentially fascinating story than just Maggie’s in the right, the Reapers are just evil.  

Maggie is right about Negan, IMHO, but she’s also wrong in not listening to him when what he’s saying reeks of simple common sense.  Ignoring sage advice makes her seem more like an angry toddler stamping her feet in defiance than the leader they are so bound and determined to tell us she is.  

You know what?  The window for me to give more than the half a fuck I’m giving right now as they beat this dead horse to dust closed when Maggie decided letting Negan rot in the ASZ jail cell was enough and spared him when she finally had her best chance to end him once and for all.  

Maybe if they stopped having the same damn conversation and they didn’t take up 20% of the screen time left after the boring Reapers/Leah shit, I would be less resentful but I’m not and again, I’ll tell you why.  

BECAUSE.  We are in the last season of the OG TWD ever and this show has chosen to waste screen time on stories nobody cares about to the exclusion of the ones we’re yearning for more of.  

Like ASZ.  We’ve barely seen more than an hour of the eight hours devoted to Carol, Aaron, Rosita, Lydia, Judith, Kelly, Jerry and Co. in total.  Especially since they’ve been trying to establish the Commonwealth on the side, too.  

I mean, I never really expected to dig the Commonwealth so my expectations for it were lower than low so they’ve been exceeded at a miniscule level.  But I expected and hoped for ASZ and those characters we’ve cared the most about to receive much more emphasis and the fact that they haven’t in this last season so far has been the biggest FAIL.  

And okay.  Selfishly, I want more Carol.  She’s like salt.  She makes almost everything go down better.  

But really. Give me more of all the characters we actually care about, please.  The Reapers and the offshoots from that story wheel aren’t it.  I love Daryl but I hate this retread story for him.  Leah is a weak point that pressed upon?  Makes this weak ass arc collapse.  Maggie and Negan are giving us nothing new.  They are the definition of the word STALEMATE and that’s not what you want or need on the finale season of a show.  

Yes, I have enjoyed the majority of the episodes overall, but that was because the moments I loved I weighted more than the ones I didn’t and know they have the most impact on the show down the road.  

Probably 11A will fare better when all is said and done and the show can be binged but standalone?  It’s been an overall disappointment and that saddens me more than I can say.  

Anyway.  I’m going to stop rambling now and try to psyche myself up for episode 8.  I’ll be back with thoughts on it later, maybe.  

Sorry for the word vomit, but I felt maybe I could in someway give voice to some of the feelings floating around out there and let you know that you are not alone.  

Until later, lovelies.  

[its-stranger-than-you-think]

I was tagged by the Queens: @not-reddie and @its-reddie-bitch

1. last drink?: Idk man, I haven’t had anything to drink since yesterday morning I believe lmfaooooo

2: last phone call?: My best friend

3. last text message?: “hey hoe, what up?”

4. last song you listened to?: Visions of Gideon by Sufjan Stevens

5. last time you cried?: Like two days ago because of a fanfic I read 😭

6. dated someone twice?: haven’t officially dated anyone once so nah

7. kissed someone and regretted it: nope

8. been cheated on?: again, never dated anyone so nope, but idk why they would EVER because I’m a goddamn catch 🤷🏼‍♀️

9. lost someone special?: too many to count

10. been depressed?: been??

11. gotten drunk and thrown up?: you mean that one time I drank half of a big ass bottle of vodka by myself even though I’m a fuckin lightweight? Then yes

fave colors

12. Lavender

13. The orangy-yellow color of a sunset/sunrise

14. Forest green

in the last year have you…

15. made new friends?: Tons! A lot of them I’ve gotten to know on here and they’re all so nice and beautiful and I love them

16. fallen out of love?: that’s assuming I actually have a heart that’s capable of love in the first place... lol kidding... or am I?

17. laughed until you cried?: literally every time I talk to my best friend Ashley

18. found out someone was talking about you?: HAHA YES FUCK THOSE FAKE ASS BITCHES

19. met someone who changed you?: oh, for sure

20. found out who your friends are?: my dog and my best friend :)

21. kissed someone on your facebook friends list?: Facebook who?

general:

22. how many of your facebook friends do you know irl?: again, Facebook who?

23. do you have any pets?: my dog Gracie. What an angel ❤️

24. do you want to change your name?: yes, i hate my name

25. what did you do for your last birthday?: I have no idea, I can’t remember

26. what time did you wake up today?: 5:30. My ass never sleeps

27. what were you doing at midnight last night?: listening to music

28. what is something that you can’t wait for?: MY LIFE TO FINALLY GET ITSELF TOGETHER! IT’S LONG OVERDUE

30. what are you listening to right now?: Doves In The Wind by SZA. Literally a song about pussy; it’s fucking fantastic. HIGHLY SUGGEST

31. have you ever talked to a person named tom?: probably, idek,

32. something getting on your nerves?: Everything is, but what’s new?

33. most visited website?: AO3, Tumblr and Twitter

34. hair color?: really dirty blonde

35. long or short hair: long

36. do you have a crush on someone?: nah

37. what do you like about yourself?: I like that I can understand people. I’m a very good listener, so if y’all need anyone to talk to, I’m your girl. I’m also very loyal.

38. want any piercings: I only have a single piercing on my ear and I had my nose pierced at one point, but I definitely want my nipples, bellybutton, cartilage and a lot more

39. blood type: I think I’m O neg but I’m not sure

40. nicknames: my name is Courtney, so people like to call me Short Court because everyone thinks it’s so hilarious to make fun of me for being short. Fuckers.

41. relationship status: single

42. zodiac: Taurus

43. pronouns: she // her

44. fave tv show: I don’t watch a ton of tv, but Stranger Things (obvi), Jane the Virgin, New Girl, How To Get Away With Murder, etc

45. tattoos: Me and my best friend wanna get matching ones so hopefully soon

46. right or left handed: right

47. ever had surgery: I had to get cataracts removed as an infant so yep

48 . piercings: one on my ear and I used to have my nose pierced

49. sport: I don’t play anything because I’m an uncoordinated little shit but figure skating, dancing and gymnastics are so cool

50. vacation: I went to the U.K., France and Spain two years ago and it was the best time of my life. I would love to go back.

51. trainers: my converse or my Air Force 1s 🔥🔥

more general

52. eating: I HAVE NOT ATE SINCE YESTERDAY I AM STARVING

53. drinking: nothing

54. im about to watch: nothing

55. waiting for: some fucking food

56. want: to be with my best friend but she lives like 5 states away fml :(

57. get married? I mean it would really depend on the person obviously

58. career: I’m studying nursing but idk if it’s the thang for me, we shall see

59. hugs or kisses: Why not both? I need love

60. lips or eyes: eyes for sure. eyes are so expressive and gorgeous

61. shorter or taller: taller since I’m so short

62. older or younger: older

63. nice arms or stomach: Honey, i can have both

64. hookup or relationship: depends

65. troublemaker or hesitant: usually hesitant, but I have my moments

66. kissed a stranger: no but that sounds fun tbh

67. drank hard liquor: I have but I get super fucked up so yeah not again

68. lost glasses: my eyesight is SHIT so when I was younger I had really thick glasses that magnified my eyes so fucking much and I hated them so I would “lose” them all the time and I ran around blind until my mom got me contacts

69. turned someone down: ha, yes

70. sex on the first date: yeah dude why not let my slutty self free?

71. broken someones heart: not that I know of

72. had your heart broken: I’m surprised it’s still beating if that tells you something

73. been arrested: no, but I almost have

74. cried when someone died: uh yeah? Who wouldn’t?

75. fallen for a friend: a few times

do you believe in…

76. yourself: I’m trying, I really am

77. miracles: not really

78. love at first sight: I may be a sap, but no

79. santa clause: fuck no, if I ever saw an old, ugly, fat, white man crawl through a dusty ass chimney I would beat his ass with a chair

80. kiss on a first date: hell yeah

81. angels: I think there are people who watch over you; whether they’re “righteous” or not is up for debate

82. best friend’s name: Ashley 💖

83. eye color: my eyes are two different colors, so my left is a bright blue and my right is darkish green

84. fave movie: THE LION KING

85. fave actor: can it be an actress?? Cause Viola Davis is incredible

I TAG: I have no idea who to tag lmfaooo but

@hypochondriac-and-a-trashmouth @ew-its-tozier @ashyfluff-lessthan3 @sunflowerstozier @bubbleteasophiee @sarcastic-pumpkin