#I’ve mostly been on the ‘j was a terrible partner at the end and made her feel like shit which made her lash out

[wavesoutbeingtossed]

Good night I’m suddenly thinking again about the Lover era and how Taylor was convinced her career would naturally slow down due to her age and the industry and society and how we’ve all talked about how it seemed like she (and Joe…?) was basing her life and career decisions off that and then instead her career ramped up and that clearly those Plans™️ then… stalled. And that it seems like that… stalling was just killing her inside. 😵‍💫 Because everything she wanted may have hinged on the one set of circumstances (withdrawing from public life and who knows what else) and those circumstances may have been held over her head. 😵‍💫

(And also thinking about how someone’s resentment may have played into that stalling ugh.)

[kodydrs]

don’t stay at my house - j. kirstein

a/n : i need him in a way that’s terrible for feminism. I’ve been in love with this man since day freaking 1 and i think if i search hard enough there’ll be fanfics i wrote abt him when i was 15 (they will not be getting posted). but anywhos. why not send in a request, or ask?!

warnings: jean x fem!reader, jean x marco!sister!reader, fxm, smut (mdni), friends with benefits, brothers best friend type fwb, p in v, unprotected sex (wrap it before u tap it), titplay (not really), mostly fully clothed, not proofread (it’s never proofread), I’m bad at tagging still

ib: this one fanart i saw on pinterest

request: yes / no

rule number 1: no feelings. it’s called off straight away if either of us catch feelings

rule number 2 : don’t tell anyone

rule number 3 : all things must be discussed previously before trying

rule number 4 : consent is key

rule number 5 : MARCO CANNOT FIND OUT

It’d been a boring day. You had no classes, and you’d done as much study as your brain would let you. You probably could’ve invited Sasha or Mikasa over, but they both had partners to hang out with, as well as other stuff.

You were single. There was no real reason why. There were boys & girls that’d happily go out with you if you gave them the chance, but dating just didn’t appeal to you that much. Not when there were so many strings attached. But that doesn’t mean you were a slut. You didn’t jump from person to person’s bed or anything. You were happy with your situation.

‘Hey.’

‘Oh. I didn’t realise you were over.’

Jean stood at your door, arms folded and leaning against the frame. He chuckled lightly, walking into your room and sitting on the edge of your bed.

‘I’ve been here almost all day. Marco just went into town to grab stuff so the house is empty. How are you feeling?’

‘I’m fine, thank you. How about you? I haven’t seen you in over a week.’

‘I’ve been great.’ He says, pushing his hair back. ‘But I was kinda wondering if… um… I wanted to see your smile.’

He grinned widely, and the flicker from your eyes to your lips didn’t go unnoticed. You leaned forwards, closing the gap between you slightly.

‘You’re allowed to kiss me, Kirstein.’ You whispered, smiling at his unsubtlety. His grin growing, he brought his hand to your cheek, caressing it lightly before brushing his lips against yours in a sweet, gentle kiss.

‘I love your smile. You know that?’ He pulled back slightly, his hand moving down to gently squeeze your thigh beneath your blanket.

‘I know.’ You reply, moving your hand to hold his jaw before smoothing along the bone. His eyes closed, melting into the soft touch of your fingers on his skin.

He leaned in again, and this time their kiss deepened, his other hand moving up to grip your waist, pulling your bodies closer.

‘Jean…’ You breathed, bringing your hands to his chest. Their placement made me groan softly, heart racing.

‘Yeah?’

‘We can’t right now. Marco could get home any minute.’ You pulled back, pressing your foreheads together to maintain proximity. He muttered a quiet ‘damn it’, aware that you were right. He sighed and took a deep breath, trying to calm his body down.

‘I know this isn’t the best place or time, but I can’t stop thinking about you.’

You could only give a sympathetic smile to his words. You took his hand and rubbed your thumb along his palm.

‘You’ll have to stop it then. You remember the rules. No feelings.’

‘Yeah. Yeah. Got it. “no feelings involved”.’ He said, holding your hand. ‘But you don’t know how hard that is when it's you I could be with. Like, I keep catching myself thinking about things we could do together. It drives me nuts.’

You listened to him, but the inside of your mouth was being abused by your teeth, distracted by his words.

He leaned in to kiss you once again, but this time, your hand came between your mouths, pushing his face away.

‘Look. Jean. I do really like you, ok. But Marco and… if he found out, then that’s the end of it. You won’t be invited over anymore.’

There was a look of hurt in his eyes when you met them. His hands wrapped carefully around your wrist, pulling your hand away.

‘Please say you aren’t pushing me away right now.’ You couldn’t keep looking at his eyes, so they diverted to your wall, holding your breath like you were about to cry.

After a few moments, Jean’s grip on your wrist loosened and you felt the bed adjust as he stood.

‘Yeah. You’re right. We can’t do this.’ You wanted to look at him. You wanted to pour your heart out to him and get him to stay, but the thought of his friendship with your brother being destroyed seemed to keep you quiet.

‘You… You should probably go back to Marco’s room. Pretend the house is actually empty.’

‘Yeah. I should.’ He hesitated for a moment, but he gave you a small smile before he left, closing the door gently. As soon as his footsteps faded, you burst into tears, clutching your shirt to cover your mouth.

Jean left your room hurriedly, face flushed and heart racing from the feelings he’d just tried to suppress.

‘Shit.’ He sat down on the stairs, putting his face in his hands as he took deep breaths. ‘Fucking shit.’

It’d been a few months since the “incident” if you’d even call it an incident at all. You hadn’t seen each other since, and you had no clue if it was because he hadn’t come over, or because you barely left your room. But it didn’t matter to you at all. You had exams to focus on.

‘Hey Marco. Do you have any spare batte-‘ You opened your brothers door, only stopping when you saw he had company. ‘-ries.’

Jean looked up from where he lay on Marco’s bed, face flushed and burying his head down as if it’d hide the fact you’d already seen him. Marco went unphased, opening his drawer to rummage through.

‘What type do you need?’

‘Do you have like, 2 9v ones? Preferably lithium but not too phased.’

He found the first one pretty quickly, but it felt like a mission finding another one. After about 3 minutes, you both gave up and closed the drawer.

‘I’ll pick some up later when I go into town. Do you need anything else?’

‘No. I should be right. Take him with you when you leave.’ You nodded towards Jean. Jean who still had his face hidden. Marco gave you a look, but you just closed the door. You froze outside for a minute, letting out a deep sigh before you went back to your room.

You’d told Marco about what happened. Told him everything from the first hook up to the “break up”. He was a little weirded out at first, but he didn’t seem to care otherwise.

A few hours had passed when you heard the rustle of shoes before a soft knock on your door, followed by your brother's head poking in.

‘I’m going now. Don’t die while I’m gone.’

‘Take Jean with you.’ Marco opened the door fully, folding his arms across his chest.

‘You haven’t been phased by being alone in the house for the past month, so why now that you know he’s here?’

‘Because I know he’s here.’ You emphasised each word, trying to prove your point. ‘It’s like when there’s a serial killer in your house. You aren’t phased until you know they’re there.’

‘That’s a bit dramatic, don’t you think?’ A deadpan reaction was the only reaction he was getting out of you. ‘Whatever. Just don’t burn the house down.’

‘Thank you.’

Like any brother, he didn’t close your door properly, but you heard the front door close, followed by his car leaving and that was enough reassurance that you were alone in an empty house.

You only worked for another 30 minutes before dehydration set in. Usually you had your drink bottle on your desk or in your bag, but today seemed to be an exception because you couldn’t find it at all. So you stood, pushing your chair back and walked to the kitchen.

Like you wanted, the house was empty and quiet. It was always like that considering it was only you and Marco that lived there.

The house was big enough to fit more people, but living alone just out of the city meant it was mostly silent, mind the few cars that drove past into work or to one of the neighbouring houses. But it also meant that if you needed to, you could catch a bus to your classes.

You were reaching for a glass when you heard footsteps on the lino. It made you flinch, nearly dropping the glass when you saw Jean trying to escape quietly.

‘Why are you still here?!’

He froze, stepping back like he’d been caught doing something he wasn’t meant to. Not that he wasn’t meant to be in your house. Just not at that exact moment.

‘Look. I didn’t even know you were here until you came into Marco’s room. I thought you had classes today.’

‘Is that your excuse?’ You asked. Your tone showed how pissed off you were if your expression didn’t. You left the glass on the counter, suddenly well hydrated before storming out of the kitchen.

‘Wait. Please.’ You felt hands grab around your wrist, stopping you in your tracks. ‘Just… let me talk. Please.’

You maintained your frown, making it obvious you didn’t wanna hear what he had to say, but you were more respectful than that, so you stopped pulling against him.

He released a sigh and let go of your wrist.

‘Alright. Can I start off by saying I’m sorry? I should’ve checked you weren’t here before I came. That part is fair for you to be mad about.’ You stood, arms folded and leaning against the counter as the brunette continued. ‘And I want to apologise for how things turned out back then. I still really fucked up, and I’m not denying that any of it was wrong, because I pushed you and I shouldn’t have. You didn’t deserve any of that.’ You watched as he ran a hand through his hair, an action you noted hasn’t changed in your time apart. But you couldn’t meet his eyes, so they looked down at the floor, the same way you looked away when you last spoke. He sighed again, moving closer to you so his hand gently brushed against your arms.

‘Look. I know I’m not the best, and you probably have plenty of other options that you could go to, but… I still really like you. A lot. And I’ve done everything I can to try move on-‘

‘Jean.’ You interrupted sternly. It’s not like how you used to say it. You used to breath his name with so much love that it drove you both crazy. There was no love in the way you said it now. ‘Stop.’

‘Stop what? Talking to you? Even if I did, I wouldn’t stop thinking about you.’

‘Just stop it!’ There was anger boiling in your voice, but he seemed so clouded that he couldn’t see it.

‘Why? Why do you hate me so?’

‘Because if I don’t hate you, then I’m going to fall in love with you again!’ Tears brimmed your eyes as you finally confessed.

Jean’s heart skipped a beat. He moved closer, placing a hand on your chin and gently raising it until your eyes met.

‘That can’t happen.’ He said, his voice barely above a whisper.

‘Don’t you dare say that. Because I’ve been trying not to for months.’ You’re looking up at him, leaning against his hand. Reaching down, he cupped your face, his thumb gently stroking your cheek.

‘I’ll fight it with everything I have in me but…’ He trailed off, leaning in so his lips barely brushed against yours.

‘But..?’

‘But I can’t promise I’ll win.’

He kissed you slowly, his hands sliding off your face and down your back, pulling you closer. The kiss only deepened as emotions ran high between the 2 of you.

You kissed him like a starved man, quick to get your hands beneath his shirt to feel the dip

Jean moaned against your lips, hands following suit as they slid along your thighs, gripping your hips tightly.

‘God. I’ve wanted this everyday since I last saw you.’ He whispered before pulling away slightly, looking into your eyes. You were quick to pull him back in, whispering against his lips.

‘Then don’t stop.’

He was hesitant for a moment before leaning down to once again taste your lips. He grabbed you around the waist, wrapping his arms around you as your legs wrapped around him.

‘I love you.’

You paused for a minute, almost like you were scared of the words, before you pulled away and kissed his jaw up to his ear.

‘Show me then.’

With a smile, Jean hoisted you atop the counter, positioning himself between your legs while he attacked your neck. A soft whimper came from your mouth, and your fingers tangled with the hair at his nape.

‘You like that?’ He nipped at your neck again, hips grinding languidly against yours. You grinded against him, making you both breath deep as his hands pressed you against the counter. ‘You haven’t changed.’

You grinned, pulling his chin up to look at you.

‘Will you fuck me on the kitchen counter?’

‘You’re a hot mess, aren’t you?’ He chuckled, his judgement clouded by lust and desire. You shurgged.

‘It wouldn’t be the first time.’

‘You’re so slutty.’ He teased and pecked your lips, but still started to undo his belt. Your grin widened, and you took his free hand, trailing it up your torso to massage your tit through the fabric of your shirt.

His breath hitched, and his fingers searched for your hardened nipple as he pulled his erection free of its restrictions. Seeing his throbbing cock, you slid your shorts and underwear to your ankles, revealing yourself to the man.

‘Fuck. You’re gorgeous.’ He stepped closer, swiping his tip through your wet folds and groaning as he sank into you.

Head thrown back, you gripped his hand that was on your breast, while your other held his nape, keeping you upright.

‘Holy shit-‘

‘That’s right, baby. Just like that. Take it all.’ He started with moving slowly, dragging himself along your walls with a string of soft grunts. But as he felt you relax around him, he picked up speed, skin slapping together in rhythm.

Damn did you miss this. Both of you missed it. Missed the way he’d tease you by changing pace, but just not enough teasing to annoy you. Missed the way you had to keep a hand over your mouth so the neighbours couldn’t hear you being fucked by your brothers best friend.

Jean leaned down, capturing your lips in a heated kiss, his thrusts growing deeper and more intense as he felt you clench around him tightly.

‘Jean.’ You whimpered, interlacing your fingers.

‘I know, baby.’ He bit your bottom lip, feeling the pleasure coursing through you both. He could tell by the way your body was reacting that you were close, and he’d be lying if he said he wasn’t either, noticeable by his movements becoming more desperate.

You did your best to grind your hips to his timing, making you both groan. Eyes rolled at the overwhelming sensation, unable to hold back any longer.

‘Fuck. I’m gonna cum.’

‘You can cum inside.’ You panted, pulling his lips back to yours. With a few final thrusts, he groaned as he released his seed deep inside you, feeling your wall clench around him in the most perfect way. You came hard at the same time, trembling against him as the aftermath washed over you both.

‘Fuck, baby…’ Leaning heavily forwards and stabilising himself on the counter, he pressed gentle kisses along your neck and collarbone. Your hand on the back of his neck found its way to his hair, running your fingers through the strands.

‘T-That was good.’

He sighed, an unmatched sense of comfort in your presence. Arm wrapped around you, he pulled back to look in your eyes.

‘God. I want you.’ His face was flushed, like he was embarrassed to admit it. You smiled, brushing his hair out of his face.

‘Then you can have me.’ His heart races at your words. searching your eyes like they would tell him how serious you were being. You just grin, pulling him back down for another kiss. Another kiss, just as the front door opens.

‘Shit.’

© kodydrs

all rights and reserves are copyright to kodydrs on tumblr. this material is not to be copied or translated.

[extravaguk]

sex education 2.0

pairing: college!au, jungkook x reader

summary: "Are you calling me boring?" Jungkook gasps dramatically, looking at you dumbfounded and visibly offended. You roll your eyes, taking a napkin and leaning forward to wipe the crumbs of garlic bread on his lips.

"First of all, don't talk with your mouth full, you pig. Second of all," you stop to take a sip of your coke, aware of Jungkook's expectant eyes on you. "A little, yeah." 

wordcount: 9k

genre: smut - angst(? not rlly - fluff, like tons bc im a slut for fluff

rated: m (duh!2.0)

warnings: alcohol and weed consumption, just jk and tae being bros having bro convos, switch!reader, switch!jk, but mostly dom!jk, dirty talk, glimpses of poorly written bdsm, reader being a jealous and ‘insecure little bitch’ (her words, not mine),slapping (dont worry i tried to make it funny), how i met your mother spoilers (sorry im a gemini i spoil shit), spanking, degradation kink, back at it again with the spit kink, slight anal play, beware!of jungkook being a sweetheart, a lil mean at the end but a sweetheart nontheless.

read sex education here!

Three months of being in an actual commitment with Jeon Jungkook, your brother's partner in crime since the young age of five and, therefore, a common denominator throughout your childhood and teenage years, has proven to you a few things you never knew you would discover about the boy himself: Jeon Jungkook is definitely not what you thought him to be. 

You thought growing up with him would've been enough telltale about everything that made Jungkook be, well, Jungkook. He wasn't as immature as you had believed prior to the beginning of your relationship, he was funnier than you remembered -although maybe you found him funnier now that Taehyung wasn't in the picture to interfere with infantile inside jokes that you never were able to grasp-, and smarter than he had ever let you known before. Although you're sure the main reason his grades had started to improve was solely you and the way you rewarded him by opening your legs everytime he passed an exam. 

But above all, if there was something that had truly surprised you about Jeon Jungkook was the fact that he was truly an absolutely and undeniably softie.  

You loved it. Loved the random scribbled love notes he sometimes left in your backpack before kissing you goodbye to leave for his own class, loved the Spotify playlists he made exclusively just for you -with genres that varied between sappy and romantic and wanting to tear your 'wet ass pussy' in two-, loved the late night texts filled with emojis telling you how much he missed you when both of you were too busy doing assignments and studying to see each other -even if it hadn't even been 48 hours since you last saw each other-. You loved how careful and sweet and thoughtful he was. You really did. 

But.

"Are you calling me boring?" Jungkook gasps dramatically, looking at you dumbfounded and visibly offended. You roll your eyes, taking a napkin and leaning forward to wipe the crumbs of garlic bread on his lips.

"First of all, don't talk with your mouth full, you pig. Second of all," you stop to take a sip of your coke, aware of Jungkook's expectant eyes on you. "A little, yeah." His mouth falls open and you supress a laugh. You really shouldn't be enjoying this so much, but there's something about Jungkook's reaction to his ego being bruised and that terribly adorable pout on his face that just makes your insides tingle with joy. 

"What do you mean? I've had plenty of girls in bed before you, like a whole lot, and none of them have ever called me boring! They loved this adventurous and fun dick, alright? Why do you think-" you raise a brow, scrutinizingly. It still amazes you how with just a simple expression and no words needed, you can make all color from Jungkook's face banish and how quick he is to reach for your hand across his bed. "But I only love youuuu, and you're the best thing that has ever happened to me and my dick like, baby, have I mentioned how head over heels I'm for you?"

"Only like five times today." rolling your eyes again, you pull your hand from his to toy with the peperoni piece on your slice of pizza. Jungkook swallows the lump in his throat, he was starting to get truly concerned now. You couldn't possibly...?

"Are you not satisfied? I mean, do I not make you feel good or...?" there's clear worry in his voice and that makes you meet his eyes, shaking your head hurriedly. Now it's you who take his hand in yours.  

"No! No, babe. I love sex with you! I love everything you do to me, I love how you treat me, I love how you make me feel. I'm a hundred percent satisfied, I swear, It's just..." you sigh, dropping your gaze to rub slow and reassuring circles to the ink adorning his skin. "All I'm saying is... I may also want to experience what all those girls have experienced with you, y'know... the not so vanilla stuff. But you always seem to be scared to try new things with me, and I don't know if it's because of m-"

"Baby," Jungkooks soft voice calls out to you, removing the pizza box in between the two of you to slide closer to you on the mattress. He craddles your face with his fingers, tilting your chin up to make eye contact with you. "_____, don't say that. I just don't ever want to cross any boundaries. I don't want to hurt you or do anything you might not like or regret later, you know that, right?" placing a small kiss on your lips, you hum in content nodding your head yes.

"I know that." you pull him for another brief kiss, oddly not caring about the faint taste of garlic and spice on them because that's what love will do to you. "But what if I do want you to hurt me? What if I want you to fuck my mouth with no mercy until I cry and slap my face after you've cum all over it while you call me a slut?" you pause, eyes meeting his through your eyelashes. "Or viceversa."

It's not that Jungkook is afraid. Because Jungkook is afraid of nothing in this world. He will murder any spider in his way, he will throw a punch to anyone who denies mint chocolate ice cream as the superior ice cream flavour -and he knows that means he will have to literally fight like the entire population on planet earth-, and he will Rey Mysterio you if you ever discredit or deny his incredible skills playing Overwatch.

Jeon Jungkook prides himself in being fearless in every aspect of his life. Except when it comes to you. 

So yeah, maybe he was a little afraid. Because hearing you use the words 'choke', 'slap' and 'slut' in the same sentence did things to him that he didn't deem possible considering none of you were newbies anymore to intimicy. You have been together for three months, for God's sake, but you still made his cock twitch like the first day and he's sure in twenty years you'll have the exact same effect on him.

He didn't want his most primal instincts to overpower the respect and love he'd harboured for you since you were kids because at the end of the day, one, you were still his best friend's little sister, two, he appreciated you too much to ever cross any lines, and three, as cliché as it sounded, you were nothing compared to the girls he had been with previously. What he feels towards you cannot be compared to anything he had experienced before. 

And fuck, was he in a predicament. Because you made him weak in his knees for you and you were not even aware of it. You were not aware of how badly he has wanted to explore and take things way further, way out of both his and your comfort zones. But he's terrified. He's terrified because all he wants is to to take care of you and what if he fails at the one thing he's swore to himself? What if he lets the darkest side of him consume him and at the same time consume you? What if he does actually hurt you, not just psichologically but also physically?

He would never be able to forgive himself. And neither could Taehyung.

And that, was also tormenting him.

Taehyung seemed fine with the two of you dating -or at least that blow to Jungkook's face seemed to ease things between them-, but Jungkook is not dumb and has felt his best friend slowly distancing himself. 

Sure, they were still best friends and will ever will. Taehyung is loyal to Jungkook and Jungkook is loyal to Taehyung. Has been that way since they were five and that will not change just because Jungkook's caught feelings for his little sister.

But the phonecalls were not as often and not as long as they used to be; in rare occasions Jungkook could sense a certain type of awkwardness between them that really had never happened in their friendship, and sometimes Taehyung's jokes seemed to hold more truth than lightheartedness. 

And to top it all off, Jungkook's dilemma regarding you was eating him alive and, usually he would turn to Taehyung for girl advice, only to later realize he was also frightened of doing that. 

But a Friday night at 2 a.m, Jungkook decides he can't take it anymore. 

"Sup, man." Taehyung's voice answers Jungkook's phone call on the second ring, like he always does. 

"Hey, bro." Jungkook clears his voice, suddenly feeling self conscious. "Are you busy?"

"I don't know," his friend seems to be chewing on what Jungkook bets is red Skittles -yes, only the red ones- because he just knows him too well. "Are you busy still fucking my little sister?" 

Taehyung chuckles at his own joke, but Jungkook doesn't. He knows there's no malice, but he can't help to think there might be. He settles for a sigh. "Yeah." he can hear some shuffling on the other side and the clicking of a computer mouse. Jungkook would also bet he was playing Among Us and he would lie if he said he wasn’t disappointed he hadn't called him to play with him. "Y'know what, it's not even important, I'll just call y-"

"Come on, man. You haven't even laughed at that and you usually laugh at everything I say even when no one else does." Taehyung swirls in his chair, his attention fully focused on his best friend. "Seriously, what's bothering you." Jungkook takes a deep breath, rubbing the side of his face. 

"It's about _____."

"_____? As in, my little sister? Who you're fucking?"  

"Tae, dude-"

"Okay, okay, I'm sorry. Go on." Taehyung stiffles a laugh and waits patiently for Jungkook to continue.

"She um... Fuck, I hope this isn't weird, dude. I really do. She wants to like... rough it up in the bedroom, I guess? And I just... I don’t know... I'm terrified dude." There's silence filling the gap between Taehyung and Jungkook and Jungkook almost feels like throwing up. 

"You're coming to me for sex advice... about my little sister?"

"I know, dude but... Who else I'm supossed to talk to? Jimin? Hoseok?" Jungkook sits up on his bed, an ugly knot beginning to form in his stomach. "I mean, you're my best friend," Jungkook swallows again, voice cracking. "...right?"

It's Taehyung's turn to sigh after a few seconds before he replies. "Forever and always, bro." His tone settles Jungkook's uneasiness. There's nothing but honesty in it. "Listen, Guk. I really don't know what kind of advice to give you because, literally, ew. But I do know my sister, and if that's what she wants and she's communicated with you about it, it’s because she trusts you. And I trust you more than anyone in my life. So there you go, man."

Relief washes all over Jungkook's body and he lays back on the bed again, heart not beating as hard as it was a few seconds ago. 

"Thanks, dude." Jungkook smiles. "Sorry for calling you so late."

"No problem, bro." Taehyung smiles as well, swirling his chair back to his computer screen. A weight of his own being lifted. "Among Us next time?"

"Yeah, I'll let you know. Good night, bro."  

Taehyung calls Jungkook's name before he can hang up. "Hey, man?"

"Yeah, man?"

There's a pause between them and then Taehyung speaks. "I love you, man."

Jungkook supresses the threat of tears about to spill because he knows Taehyung would try to bruise his other other eyebrow if he ever found out. Or hug him to death. Or both.

"I love you too, bro."

"This reminds me of the first time you gave me a blowjob." Jungkook chuckles, watching you get down on your knees between his spread thighs, make up free and sporting a similar low messy bun as that time he's mentioning, except this time you're wearing one of his hoodies engulfing your smaller frame. Proof that this time around, you're exclusively his and no one else’s.

"You mean the blowjob of your life." you giggle as you reach out to pull down his sweatpants, deligthed to see he decided on not wearing any underwear. Your spit on the back of your hand and immediately wrap it around the base of his rock hard cock while his own darts out to push the strands falling down your face behind your ear, heart eyes emoji looking down at you looking up at him. 

Your tongue swirls around the tip timidly, swallowing the drop of precum oozing as he sighs heavily and lovingly. "Every blowjob you give me is the blowjob of my life." he unties your hair from the band holding it together because he prefers his fingers to be the hair tie, prefers to be the one to guide the bobbing of your head up and down his dick. 

You hum in appreciation against him, cherry balmed lips wrapping fully around the head of his cock and he hums back. "Love seeing you on your knees for me with your pretty mouth stuffed, fuck." You take him deeper, closing your eyes. 

Your hand moving accordingly to your mouth and your panties already wet, clinging to your folds. It's really not your fault Jungkook is the most delicious eye candy on earth and how fast can the mere sight of him make your pussy lips quiver. You slurp around the head obscenely , a moan of yours mixing with a moan of his. "Hands on your back." 

You obligue, removing your hands and growing excited at the dominating low tone his voice exerts. The grip he has on your hair tightens and controls your motions, pushing you further down his dripping shaft until your nose hits his pubic bone. He holds you there, his own eyes closing shut and his dick twitching insde your mouth. A thrust of his hips make you gag and has one of your hands flying to tap his leg two times, letting him know you were in need for air. 

He releases you, pulling you back until his cock is pulsating in front of you. He looks down at you, both breathless but the difference is you look so messy. Eyes watery, chest moving heavily and saliva leaking from your lips. 

Yeah, there was a reason Jungkook hasn't been like this with you before. The sight of you submitting completely and looking so nasty was too much for him to handle. He might never want to see you any other way than this. 

"Isn't this what you wanted, huh?" the free hand that had been supporting his weight on the matress grasps your face harshly, making you lock eyes with him.

 "I thought you wanted me to choke you with my cock like a little whore?" you nod your head eagerly, unable to form words. Your pussy throbs, prompting you to rub your thighs to get some sort of relief as his thumb smears the spit adorning your lips. You're quick to envelop it in the warmth of your mouth, an involuntary moan leaving your throat. "Such a pretty slut," he lets his cock slap against your cheek, removing his thumb to move his hand back to his previous position. "Open again."

You do, his length entering your mouth again -that you gladly accept- and then he's shoving you down by your hair. "Shit, gonna fuck your mouth so good..." 

And he does, not holding back anymore, his hand thrusting your head along his shaft until your throat tightens around him repeteadly, struggling for breath. But you take it, you take the aggresiveness and the degradation because fuck, you've been waiting for so long to know what this feels like. To have Jungkook be mean and have this type of control and power over you and you're enjoying it a bit too much. 

"F-fuck, I'm gonna cum, leave your mouth open." he releases on your tongue, not able to look away from the image of you with tears falling down your eyes and mouth drenched with him and your spit, some of his cum staining down your chin and the corners of your lips that he gathers with his thumb and pushes back into your mouth. He groans, watching you swallow all of it like a good girl, your tongue grazing around his digit for the remainings, gaze not leaving his. "Let me grab my phone real quick, I need to take a picture of this."

You were definitely not the jealous type.  

You prided yourself on being able to recognize when your behaviours were due to your own insecurities and removing all sorts of feelings of uncertainty from your mind. You never liked toxic patterns or the glamorization of them and your relationship with Jungkook was proof. You knew relationships were supossed to be based on blind trust and faith in your partner and yours definitely reciprocated in the same way. 

"So can anybody tell me why Eunha is basically all over my boyfriend right now?" you wish you could blame your state on Hoseok's weed, who's sitting on the left side of the couch right next to you at the frat party. You really wish you could have an explanation for the way your heart tugged in such a weird way and your stomach swirled dangerously until almost making you nauseous. You really tried to blame your overthinking on the joint you had just passed to your friend. 

You knew it was bound to happen someday, especially considering Jungkook had always been a ladies' man and the kind of attraction from both men and women he was able to manifest, willing or unwillingly. You just never thought it would happen so soon and in such way that made you clench your fists so tight and your nails dig into the palm of your hands so painfully. 

"I mean, they did have like a long fling a few years ago, didn't they?" Seulgi, sitting on your right, chimes in. 

That was true. Longer than most flings Jungkook ever had before you.  

"Yeah, before she dumped him." Hoseok adds.

Your eye twitches and your jaw contracts. Because that, was also true, and it was mostly what was bothering you so much. 

Had it been Jungkook the one to move away from his situationship with Eunha like with most girls, you wouldn't have such a problem with the way she's shamelessly leaning towards him from across the room. Or the way she's twirling a strand of her hair between one of her fingers while battling her lashes. Or the way she's hysterically laughing at whatever he was saying, because your boyfriend was funny, but he was not that funny. 

You were not the jealous type, and Jungkook definitely wasn't giving you any reason to be, because as coquettish as the blonde was being or as provocatively as she was pushing her tits into his arm, he politely keeps his distance and tries to also engage with Jimin in conversation, leaving her pouting. But that wasn't enough to not make you start seriously questioning your feminist ethics right now. 

"Wait, you're not jealous, are you?" Seulgi turns to you, offering you the joint -how long had you been focusing your attention on Jungkook and Eunha to not realize it was your turn again to smoke?-. You take it, hesitating between answering right away or taking a hit before doing that. You were never a good liar. You look between your two friends who are looking back at you with their eyebrows raised.

"I-" you close your mouth and run your fingers through your hair. "Maybe? I don't know what I'm feeling and I don't like it one bit." 

"Aw, babe." Seulgi squeezes your knee, eyes showing you sympathy. "Jealousy is a natural response to any relationship."

"I know..." you take the joint in your hand, taking a long drag before letting the smoke out. "I just don't want to sound like an insecure little bitch!" you whine. "I don't want to be like 'Oh, why would Jeon Jungkook, a God of the Olympus, dare give his attention to a peasant as unworthy as me!?' Like no, he's just a man. A little less mediocre than most but a man nontheless. I'm not going to doubt myself or other women just because he's more beautiful than most, and hotter, and funnier and has a massive co-" you notice you're getting carried away by the look of disgust in Hoseok's face and Seulgi trying to hold back a laugh. 

"Anyways, he's lucky to have me. We're both lucky to have each other but sometimes I feel like I might be the luckiest out of the two. And seeing Eunha looking so pretty and throwing herself at him is triggering me because..." you pause to take a deep breath and lounch back on the couch. "What if he realizes one day that I'm luckier than he is and he could be luckier with someone else?"

There's, ironically, a long silence. Ironically because the sound of Travis Scott making the walls tremble is anything but, until Hoseok speaks.

"I think you feel that way because you still haven't seen how that boy looks at you, _____." and then he motions to the spot from across the room you had been observing for too long, the spot where Jungkook is now glancing at you after noticing your detectable distress, with a frown on his features. 

'You okay?' he mouthes, his fist raising in the air in a thumbs up, questioningly.  

Your heart jerks, and not out of bitterness or envy caused by a girl trying to get your boyfriend's attention. Because his attention is always entirely on you, no matter how many feet are separating the two of you. 

'Yes' you mouth back, with a nod of your head and an encouraging smile that has formed itself on your face. He beams as well at you. Mouthes an 'I love you' and puckers his lips in a flying kiss that makes you giggle. You mimic him, your heart tight against your chest. 

Hoseok is right. You have nothing to worry about.

Jungkook is in love with you. Sometimes, he thinks, he's too in love with you.

"Can't believe I'm letting you do this."

"Can't believe you're such a pussy."

Jungkook huffs in annoyance. He would smack your ass right now if his hands weren't restricted by a scarf of yours he had never seen before to your bedpost. He would also send you a mean look if his eyes weren't covered by the only tie he owned and had so generously lent to you. 

When you mentioned you wanted to try this, he expected you to be in this position. Not the other way around.

He's sprawled on your bed, only his boxers covering him as your legs straddle his waist and you tighten the hold of the scarf around his wrists sternly. He winces and manages an 'Hey!' He knows you're only wearing your panties because he can't feel anything else and he's felt one of your naked tits brushing  his face as you tied him up. He also tried to catch one of your nipples in his mouth as a form of punishment, to no use because you swiftly backed away from his attempt. 

"I've never been a bottom before, this is new for me." he says. He really doesn't mind any of this. He's just not used to it. He knows he'd be lying if he said it didn't turn him on a little bit, even if he'd rather be the one to have you completely unmoving and naked beneath him. Especially now that you're skimming your nails up and down his torso.

"Mm, good to know." your lips follow the path your fingers created, from the center of his chest up, moving steadily and tracing soft kisses over his flesh. 

"Don't worry. I'll be gentle." you croon, dragging your tongue from the pulse of his neck to his earlobe, nails scraping lightly over his left nipple. Jungkook shudders, air sucked in through his teeth as his mouth opens on its own. Taking advantage of this, you place a kiss on the corner of his lips before slipping your tongue inside. 

He answers simultaniously, his own tangling with yours, swallowing each other's moans. Your hips set a slow peace, clothed cad core griding over the length poking between your thighs. His hips move unvoluntarily, trying to find some sort of friction to make up for the fact that his hands are unavailable to knead your ass and pull you closer, if that was even possible.

You separate from him, raising on your knees. Jungkook whines in protest, hips buckling up from the mattress to try to meet yours again.

"Jungkook, I'm serious, stay still!" 

"I take it back." his voice shaky and hands straining against the tight hold the scarf you tied around has on them. "I don't like this. Untie me so I can fuck you, babe." he complains. You sit on his tiny waist, your thighs trying to stop his movements. 

You take a moment to assess him. He looks too beautiful for his own good: hair courtaning his forehead, biceps bulging and abs flexing. You can't see his eyes but you know they might be glassy. You bite your lip to supress a whine of delight. You almost consider doing as he says. Almost. 

But you mantain your ground. Your jealousy from the other night had been crawling slowly from within these past few days and since you couldn't take it out on Jungkook any other way because he really wasn't to blame, you figured you'd try something new to punish him and let some of your supressed anger vanish. 

Twisting your body back to pull down his boxers, not all the way, just enough to have his cock springing free from the confines of the fabric and slapping against your asscheeks.

"Has toxic masculinity seriously polluted your brain so much you can't take this seriously?" you fall forward, one of your hands balancing you beside his head as the other wraps around his neck, a tentative hold not yet to constrict his breathing. 

He gulps, his body's tense and his Adam's apple is prominent under your touch. All he can see is black but he'd do anything to watch your pretty tits bouncing in front of his face. "I don't like this conversation either." he pouts.

"Then why are you so hard?" you grin, holding yourself back from laughing as he hesitates for an answer. You lean closer, mouth against his ear as you whisper. "I'm so wet right now, I could take you just like this. No lubrication at all and my pussy would just swallow your dick." Feeling his girth still between your ass flutter, clearly affected by the sultry tone of your voice. You remove your hand from his neck seeing as he has stopped moving obediently. Reaching back, you slide your panties to the side and align your entrance to the head of his leaking cock. 

"Fuck, baby, please~" Jungkook's pleads fills the air, hips desperately back in motion and sliding just a few inches inside your drenched heat. The warmth envoles him instantly, your pussy pulsates around him and neither of you can't help the in synch groans tearing from your throats. 

"Just the tip" you lick your lips, your voice betraying you as you resist the urge to glide the rest of his lenght inside your quivering core.

"Just the tip, my ass." 

Out of sudden, Jungkook is swiftly lifting his hips from the matress, sinking all the way in. You cry as your body jumps forward, face hidden in the juncture of Jungkook's sweaty neck. His thick cock stretches you out as nice and deep and perfectly as he always does. You mewl. This was not supossed to happen at all.  

"See? This is what you really wanted." you can hear the chuckle threatening to spill from his lips, anger starting to boil inside of you again. 

Regaining a little bit of your lost control, you lift yourself on your trembling knees and sit back again, the tip of his dick hitting your cervix. You groan in unision, placing your hands on the hard planes of his chest and steadying yourself to try to reclaim your dominance. Finding it troublesome, because Jungook is set on having it his own way, his thrusts meeting yours in perfect synch.

You really shouldn't feel your climax approaching so soon but somehow battling for control while bickering with Jungkook is about to send you over the edge and that's making you even more annoyed.

"I swear to God, Jungkook. If you don't stop moving and shut the fuck up..." your murmur through gritted teeth, jaw slackened and eyes fluttering shut.  

"What?" he spats, breathing rugged and voice coarse. "If I don't shut up, you'll wha-"

The sound of a sharp smack echoes inside your room and Jungkook's movements freeze on the spot. His head is turned to the side from the impact, and a faint print of your fingers is adorning his  already stinging cheek. None of you mutter anything for a few seconds, until concerned words start to rush out of you.

"Ohmygod, Jungkook, I-"

"Did you just slap me?" Jungkook is unmoving, his mouth agape and you can picture the incredulous expression his eyes might be oozing. "Baby, what the fuck?!" You're mortified. Your hands cover your mouth and your eyes, wide open, stare down at him although he can't stare at you back.

"Babe, I don't know why I did that, you wouldn't stop talking and I know that's not an excuse but it-" 

"It was fucking hot." a breathy laugh in disbelief leaves his chest. Your forehead creases, hands falling down to your chest to try to steady your incessant heartbeat. His tongue darts between his pearly teeth, a smug smirk on his features. An eyebrow of yours raises as you size him up, the realization that his body is completely motionless now hitting you.

Lurging forward, you pinch his jaw between your fingers, your hips carry on their grinding on their own accord. He releases a raspy moan, your walls clenching around him as another hit strikes his cheek, softer this time. 

"You gonna be good to me?" you mutter against his lips. He nods slowly, his mouth salivating as your hips swirl on top of him. He blindly tries to reattach his mouth to yours, but you dodge him, going for the skin of his clavicle instead. "Can I fuck you slow like this until you're filling me with your cum?" He squirms when he feels you sucking a pretty purple bruise on his flesh, your cunt dropping all the way down his cock, leisurly grinding against his pelvic bone, looking yourself to find some relief to your clit. 

"Ah!" his head tilts back, back slighlt arching as you soothe the mark on his neck with your tongue. "That m-might be s-sooner than you think, babe" he admits timorously, swallowing the lump in his throat, the veins on his neck on full display. 

You sigh in content because, thankfully your orgasm is also closer than he thinks it is. "M-me too-" you gasp, your face buried on his shoulder, letting your fingers brush his ebony hair, nails gently scrapping his scalp as you keep the tortuous movements of your hips against his, his girth hitting that spot just right everytime until you feel the knot in your tummy finally snapping. "C-cum, J-Jungkook, I-m-"

Jungkook doesn't need to be told twice because he has been holding back from it for a while now, not really willing to admit he was enjoying this as much as he was. With a thrust of his own fused with the way your pussy is tightening around him it's enough to send him over the edge, an unpredicted cry emanating from his vocal chords harmonizing with your own, his whole body tensing as your walls milk every single drop of his cum. 

For several minutes you stay just like that. Jungkook's hands still tied, blindfold still on, his mouth still agape as his chest rises and falls until his breathing becomes steady again. And you, on top, your fingers tangled in his dark locks, your breath fanning against his neck and his release dripping down your thighs. You stay like that until your body starts shaking with uncontrollable laughter. 

Jungkook tilts his head towards yours, eyebrows furrowing and eyes still covered.

"What was that noise?" you manage through your giggle fit. "'Aaah!'" You've never made a noise like that before, I can't- it was so funn-"

Even while still being strained and blindfolded and with you making fun of him, a loopsided goofy smirk starts making an appearence on Jungkook's features. 

Fancy dinner parties were never your thing. 

Wearing heels that were too high -specifically to try to match Jungkook's height-, a new expensive dress that you were surely going to return as soon as the event was over because you definitely could not afford it and socializing with Jungkook's clique was definitely not the way you envisioned your Saturday night going. 

At least Jungkook had barely been able to keep his hands for himself at the sight of you wrapped in emerald green silk and lace. But even that couldn't make you feel less uncomfortable and out of place. 

Yugyeom, one of Jungkook's friends, had definitely more money than your boyfriend had previously let you know. Apparently, being a 'lil rich' as Jungkook had mentioned meant booking a luxurious restaurant to hold a dinner party with at least fifty people who looked just as 'lil rich' as Yugyeom's Gucci tuxedo.  

'It'll be alright babe. Yugyeom always insists on celebrating his birthday like it's an Oscar after party. We'll just eat some of that disgusting caviar and then head home to watch Netflix, I swear'. 

And yes, caviar was gross, but so was the fact that Jungkook had failed to mention a certain someone would also be making an appearence. 

After introducing you to a few of his friends and realizing that Mingyu's frendliness and amiability helped you feel more relaxed, he had excused himself to the bathroom, leaving you and his friend to entangle in a heated conversation about How I Met Your Mother's finale season. 

You were thankful for Mingyu's humble nature and easygoing talk for a few minutes until you finally spotted your boyfriend making his way back into the room, stopping in his tracks to acknowledge a group of friends from his class. 

Again, you wouldn't have such a problem with a certain blonde if she would just stop looking at Jungkook with stars in her eyes and pressing her cleavage against him while playing with her hair. It was hard to keep track of your conversation with Mingyu while Eunha was standing right next to your boyfriend and seemingly ogling up at him. It was also hard to not let your mind waver to dangerous territory when you took notice of how disgustingly good they looked together. 

Just two attractive people who would look disgustingly good together. 

Mingyu's voice makes you turn back to him. 

"...I don't know, like, Barney was a womanizer until Robin, you know? He changed for her! They were just perfect for each other, but they had to throw it all away by killing the mother and then making Robin marry Ted? And Barney going back to his old ways?" Mingyu sounds exhasperated and you would laugh and find it cute if your stomach wasn't tugging again in a way that made you regret drinking so much wine so fast. Specially after his last statement.  

"That's what I'm saying." you mumble, turning your attention back to your boyfriend in the crowd.

Jungkook wouldn't go back to his old ways. He loves you. There's nothing to worry about.

But as you watch him start to make his way towards you, you also watch the way Eunha grabs the sleeve of his blazer to pull him back. She leans in, whispers something in his ear to which he just shakes his head, says something that it's impossible to decipher from here you're standing and simply walks in your direction. 

Still, as much as you tried to be neutral and objective and not a 'jealous little bitch', it's almost impossible to hide the sour expression on your face. It's impossible to unclench your jaw throughout the entire evening or lose the too tight grip on your glass of wine. Even when Jungkook whispers in your ear if you're okay, you merely nod yes. You avoid eye contact with him and everytime he tries to slip your hand into his, you dodge him it by wrapping your arms around yourself, claiming how cold it is.

Jungkook is not dumb. 

He know something's up but he's also not stupid enough to cause a scene in public or preassure you into talking. So he settles on wating and being patient. Even as he slips his jacket on your stiff shoulders with pouty lips and his eyebrows drawn together, all he does is press a small kiss to the back of your neck. It takes all power within you to not throw yourself in his arms. 

But as midnight approaches and it's time to leave, you notice a change in Jungkook's behaviour as you say your goodbyes. His hand on your back is not just a soft caress, instead, his fingers pull you closer, dig into your skin as he drags the both of you to where his car is parked. Now it's him who avoids your gaze. His tensed jaw and his tongue pressing against the inside of his cheek is a visible indicator that Jungkook is pissed. 

You know his body language as well as he knows yours. And now, as he opens the door of the passanger seat so you can slide in, the guilt and the remorse of acting cold towards him for hours is finally dawning on you. 

"Are you going to tell me now what was that about?" when he closes his own door shut, he doesn't bother to put his seatbelt on. Just grips the steering wheel as he turns to you. 

"I-I don't know what you're t-"

"You don't know what I'm talking about?" he laughs, not a bit of humour in it. "I know scenes like this make you feel uncomfortable but I actually thought everything was going fine. I leave you for five minutes with Mingyu and when I come back, you won't look at me, won't touch me, won't act like I'm your boyfriend. Like I did something wrong. So please, _____, tell me, what's going on?"

You know there's no excuse for the way you acted. You know it's not Jungkook's fault he attracts attention and it most definitely not his fault if an ex of his is still hung up on him. You know it's your own fault and you know you should not try to excuse yourself and fight back. You'd swore to yourself you'd push down any feelings of jealousy deep inside until they disappeared. But something about tonight makes you explode.

"Why was she being all over you?"

Jungkook's face twists in confusion. "What? Who?"

"Eunha! Who the fuck else? She was all over you a few weeks ago at Minghao's party, and she was all over you tonight!" your voice is louder than you would've liked but at this point all you care about is letting it all out.

"This is what all of that was about? Eunha?"

"Yes! I've seen her on campus as well! Always trying to get your attention! I don't care that you have friends in common, but specially tonight, she whispered something to you and she was looking at you like she-"

"Who cares how she looks at me? All you need to care about is how I look at you because the only thing I care about is how you look at me!" Jungkook exclaims, clearly exhausted of this conversation. 

You sink in your seat and look away as the knuckles on his hands turn white from gripping the steering wheel. 

"_____," he calls you gently,  but his voice mantains a stern tone to it. "We don't do jealousy. I thought we were supossed to trust each other blindly. Have I not proved to you how sickenly in love with you I am? Do you not trust me and what I feel?"

"I-... Of course I do. I-just... I don't know. You're right. That was uncalled for." you wrap yourself in the warmth of Junkook's blazer, trying to make his scent wash away any ugly resentment and guilt in your body. 

"Wanna know what she said to me?" a rethorical question, because he was going to tell you anyway. "She asked me if I was going to stay for Yugyeom's after party, way past midnight. Wanna know what I said?" he turns to you. "I said no, I'm spending the night with my girlfriend."

None of you say nothing after that. He just puts his seatbelt on and starts driving. It's not too much of a far drive to his dorm, but the silence and the awkwardness makes it feel so much longer than it should be. You don't remember the last time Jungkook was mad at you. Actually, you don't think Jungkook has ever been mad at you. He loved the banter, loved to tease you, loved being competitive with you. But you had never seen him being avoidant of you. And that feeling tears your heart on the seat of his car.

"Are you mad at me?" you ask, voice barely audible, when the car stops at a red light. His dark eyes meet yours, his face immediately softening as he studies your expression. Then he picks one of your small hands in one of his big ones, brings it to his lips and lightly kisses your knuckles. He communicates with his eyes what he doesn't with words and it's enough to make you feel secure, at least for now.

When you finally arrive at Jungkook's room, he holds the door ope for you and lets you walk in, but he's still unusually quiet. So much so, you start to worry you might have fucked up big time. 

You stand there, not knowing what to do as you watch him sit down on his bed, slipping his shoes and socks off and loosening the tie around his neck. His hair, that was perfectly styled a few hours ago, is now messy by the amount of times his hand has pushed it back. He looks too yummy, and you hate the fact that tension and a little bit of fighting has managed to make him look as delectable. 

You ignore the heat starting to form in your belly because now it's not the time to be horny. Not when you still need to apologize and make things right. He's rolling  the sleeves of his black shirt down his forearms when you decide to speak. 

"Jungkook, I'm very sorry." you start, as you remove his blazer off you and place it on the chair right in front of his desk. "I don't know why I acted the way I did. I dont get easily jealous and I really don't think I am but..." your throat constricts your words for a moment. "The more I love you, the more frightened I get when I think that one day you'll realize I'm better off as your best friend's little sister. I-I dont know what I'd do with myself if that ever happene-"

"Take off your dress." Jungkook's impassive voice and emotionless face startles you and you freeze on your feet. 

"What?"

"Did I stutter?"

His elbows rest on his knees and he's holding your stare with his. His doe eyes lack that free spirited and amusing glint they usually have. He looks bored, scrutinizing you. He's not challenging you. He's commanding you because he knows you will obligue. 

That's why you gulp and slowly slide the straps of your dress down your arms until the fabric pools at your feet. His eyes waver along your naked breasts, nipples perking up like the mere intensity of his gaze is ordering them to. He doesn't make a move and doesn't say anything for a few seconds. He doesn't compliment you like he normally would at the sight of you almost naked in front of him.

His lack of words make you feel insecure, regardless of how turned on you are. You're used to Jungkook being reassuring, you're used to his lighthearted jokes and his playful kisses in the bedroom. But you're not used to Jungkook telling you what to do and keeping his distance while doing so. Your arms move on their own to hide yourself.

"Don't. If you hide from me, I swear to God, _____." he watches you as you let your arms fall back to your sides, your chest moving up and down while you struggle to breathe. You can't deny Jungkook's gruff voice and his eyes studying every bit of skin available to him like he hasn't seen you naked before is not making your underwear stick to your lower lips. 

"JK, I just don't think this is the right moment to-"

"On my lap." your heart skips a bit, a thrill of excitement coursing through your veins.

"Jungkook-"

"I said, get on my lap, face down." he says again, this time slower. One of his eyebrows quirk up. "Or would you rather me drag you myself? Or make you crawl?"

Your eyes widen, and your feet are quick to approach him. Your nipples tingle, your core is throbbing and your cheeks are adorned by a beautiful blush that Jungkook doesn't miss. 

He doesn't move until you're in front of him, just to help you lower yourself on his lap, your cheek and your nipples touching the mattress and your ass up. You close your eyes when Jungkook skims his fingertips over your skin, his carressing relaxing your body until he eases your nerves a bit. He sighs when he notices the way that poor excuse of a thong sticks between your folds as his strong hands massage your buttcheeks. 

He's taking his time, his fingers gliding over your soft skin, his breathing too calm for your liking. Until one palm of his hand collides sharply against your right cheek, sending your body forward. You gasp, the stinging making your body want to pull away. But he's quick to catch both your wrists behind your back, keeping you in place. 

"Jungk-!"

Another smack, this time harder, on the same cheek. 

"Did I give you permission to talk?"  

Smack. This time on the left cheek. Your back arches on its own will, presenting more of your ass to him unwittingly. Your eyes squeezed shut and bite the inside of your cheek as you rub your thighs together. You keep quiet as his hand lands another blow on your ass. 

"That's a good girl. Now," his voice is gentler this time as his hand soothe your reddened cheeks. "do you think what you did tonight was okay?" you say nothing, only a mewl slips past your lips. Another smack. "Answer me."

"No." you lick your lips, anticipating more. 

"Do you think it was funny to pull a stunt like that?" 

Smack.

"N-no!"

"No, it wasn't. Spread your legs for me." you do as you're told and he finally pulls down the drenched piece of lace down your thighs. He leans forward, spreads your cheeks with one hand as he lets a glob of spit fall directly into your lips. He makes you gasp when his fingers start sliding up and down your folds slowly. 

"I've had to put up with this kind of behavour since the day you begged me to fuck this tight, virgin pussy like the little slut you are." you whine, face red as humiliation starts to creep in. Jungkook slips one finger in, pumping it slow and easy. Your hips move to take him deeper.

"I tried to be a gentleman, you know?" he says, adding a second finger. "I've tried to treat you nice and sweet and be the best boyfriend I could be to make you happy and keep you satisfied in every sense of the word." his thumb finds your clit, rubbing tortuous circles. 

"Been compeletely whipped since I kissed you for the first time. Haven't looked at other girls because I just can't when I have everything I want to look at right in front of me." murmuring, he starts to get lost your pussy and how it swallows his fingers and how obscene you look and sound, dripping right on his trousers. He watches his fingers moving in and out, almost hypnotized. "Yet, somehow..." he pulls away. You whimper in protest. 

"Somehow, you still seem to doubt me." His hand smacks your cheek again, wet fingers spreading your essence all over your skin.

"P-please, please." you cry. You miss Jungkook's sadistic smile before he releases the grip on your wrists, still keeping you on his lap. Both his hands spread your cheeks now, and another glob of spit falls right into your asshole. His fingers find your cunt again, easily taking you almost over the edge.

"If you could only look at yourself right now... All spread out for me like a needy whore in heat" his thumb teases your unexplored rim, hesitantly, coating it with his spit and your own arousal. He presses in slowly. You gasp, your body tenses and Jungkook stills his movements immediately. There's silence for a few seconds. 

"Too far? Should I stop?" and there's your Jungkook, concern lacing his voice. His free hand caresses your back, your body relaxing, laying back down obediently. His fingers are still inside you and his thumb is still asking for entrance. He leans forward, placing a small but comforting kiss on the bruised skin of your right asscheek. 

"Go on." you whisper, but he doesn't move right away. This time, it's his own body that tenses momentarely before going back to his tranquil demeanor. He breathes through his noise as his fingers pick up where they left off. 

"Yeah?" you swear you hear him swallow a lump in his throat. "Gonna let me finger this tight little ass like a good slut? Mm?" his thumb slides deeper, slightly stretching you out while his fingers work your pussy in a solid rhythm. "Gonna let me stretch you out little by little until I can open you up with my cock one day?" his movements speed up, fingers sliding out of your cunt to play with your clit and his thumb slowly moving in and out. "You don't wanna talk now? You just want to stay silent while I fuck your ass and-"

And then you're cumming, so unexpected it takes both of you by surprise. Your hands grip onto Jungkook's sheets, your thighs clasp around his hand as you scream his name. He doesn't stop though. He rides you through it, encouraging words mixing with filthy insults that prolong your orgasm until you're squirming beneath him. 

"Shit, baby... My hand is soaked." he mumbles, as he slowly removes his fingers and thumb from you. "You okay?"

You faintly nod your head yes, not able to find words through your dry mouth and your pussy still convulsing. 

"Good. Get on the bed. On your hands and knees." 

You somehow manage to slip from his lap and position yourself as he says. Except your arms and legs are shaking. Although the sound of Jungkook undoing his belt and his hands gripping your hips and bringing you towards him until the head of his dick is at your entrance is enough to make you forget about how tired your body is. You surrender to him, not even bothering to hold yourself up on your arms, your fingers crumbling the sheets and your face buried into the pillow. 

When his cock enters you, a pitiful moan leaves your mouth. His thick lenght slides into your heat, filling you perfectly as he always does. It's a wonder how well he fits inside you. 

"Such a perfect slut for me. Always ready for me to do whatever I want with her, since day one. So tight, so ready. So, so perfect. All mine." he talks as measured as he moves, dragging each word out as his hips find a nice tempo. 

Then he doesn't move for a while with his dick buried between your walls, and you know he's holding himself back. You turn your head slightly to look at him. He catches your eyes instantly. Sees your mascara running down your watery eyes, and your smudged lipstick and your messy hair and then he's giving you that look. That look that lets you know that Jungkook is, indeed, whipped for you. Leaning in, he presses his shirt-covered chest to your sweaty, naked back. His cock dives deeper, not an ounce of space between you as he lovingly kisses your cheek until his mouth finds yours. 

He kisses you hard but soft, tongue meeting yours for the first time since you entered the room. Jungkook is not a man of words. He's silly, and a jokester, and finds it difficult to express how he's feeling. But when he kisses you, or looks at you, when he touches you, or when he makes love to you, even if it's as dirty and filthy as right now, he's always able to transmit exactly what he can't vocally.

He's telling you there's no other place he'd rather be than here, with you. 

When he pulls back, a string of saliva still connecting your lips, his hand moves to the back of your head, fisting your hair in a tight hold that makes you arch your back and desperately moan for him.

"A-and you're mine." you sob.

It's like something snaps inside of him. He growls and suddenly his hips lose control. He nails you against the mattress, his grip on your hair pulling your head back, his lips against your ear as your cunt clenches around his cock. 

"Just yours. All yours." his grunts send shivers down your spine and you're close again, even in the painful and uncomfortable position your body is in. Being at Jungkook's mercy and him being at yours is enough to have you seeing starts.

"This is the only pussy I want wrapped around my cock. Your lips are the only ones I want to kiss. You're the only one I want between my arms." It only takes two flickers of Jungkook's free hand against your nub and his next words to tip you over. "You belong to me, and I belong to you."

You squeal as you come, and Jungkook bites your shoulder to keep himself from doing so as well as he follows shortly. He fills you up with his release,  but he doesn't release you from him. He wraps his arms around your frame, both your bodies becoming soft as he rolls over to one side with your back still pressed to his chest, cock still inside you. His lips find their way to the skin of your shoulder and the back of your neck. His breath fanning your flesh makes you smile.

"That is so not like my sister. I'm telling you, she never gets jealous." Taehyung says over the phone. He's munching on something again and Jungkook would bet all the money in his wallet again he's eating Skittles. Red Skittles. "So, everything cool now?"

"Yeah, man. We just talked it out, you know?" Jungkook's gaze falls on you, laying on your stomach on his bed, laptop iluminating your face, earbuds on and your head moving to whatever music you're listening to. Jungkook would bet all the money in his bank account it's Shape Of My Heart by The Backstreet Boys. Or at least that's what he's been able to guess so far. He was never good at reading lips, specially when trying to guess boybands' lyrics. 

Friday's nights meant late 1990's/early 2000's pop nostalgia for you. It meant shaking his head and spending the following week trying to get Britney and Xtina songs out of his brain for him. Although lately, he hadn't been trying that hard. Jungkook sighs in content, not really trying to cover the fact that he might be looking at you like a starstruck teenager. Which, it was totally fair because that's exactly how he feels about you. "Communication is key, bro."

He keeps watching you until your head perks up and catch him gawking. You smile at him and he smiles back.

"By 'communication is key' you mean you actually fucked my little sister silly right? Bro, I swear, I'll block your numb-"

"Sorry man, gotta go." 

"And now you're gonna fuck her silly again, right? You son of a b-"

Jungkook hangs up just as you take your earbuds off, making his way to you to kiss you silly.

[mst3kproject]

The Monster Maker

I could have sworn J. Carroll Naish was on MST3K at some point but the only thing I can find from his filmography that has appeared on this blog is Dracula vs Frankenstein, in which he played Dr. D'Ray.  Not that it matters.  The Monster Maker's producer, Sigmund Neufeld, also brought us MST3K feature The Mad Monster, and writer Sam Newfield penned both that film and I Accuse my Parents (not to mention the world's only all-midget cowboy musical, Terror of Tiny Town), but mostly I'm watching this movie because... well, you know, it sucks.

I know what you're thinking, and as far as I can tell, no, Sigmund Neufeld and Sam Newfield are not the same guy who's just bad at pseudonyms.

Anthony Lawrence is one of the world's greatest pianists, but with a concert tour finished he's looking forward to relaxing and spending some time with his daughter Patricia and her fiance Bob.  Sadly, this is not to be, as Patricia has come to the attention of Dr. Igor Markov, who believes her to be the reincarnation of his dead wife Leonora.  He spends weeks harassing poor Pat, until her father storms over to Markov's office to tell him where he can shove his attentions. Little does Lawrence know he's walking into a trap.  Markov has been experimenting on animals in his basement, and if Lawrence doesn't hand over Patricia, the next syringe is for him!

I have mixed feelings about this movie.  It surprisingly subverts several tropes of the mad scientist movie, including some it deliberately sets up only to pull the rug out from under them, resulting in a surprisingly happy ending.  On the other hand, it does this in ways that aren't always very satisfying, and its treatment of the disabled is frightful.

For an illustrative example, let's take Dr. Markov's caged gorilla.  The movie never tells us why he has a caged gorilla.  He says it's vital to his work but we never see him do anything much with it... I assume it's there because the caged gorilla was a standard part of the mad scientist lab equipment in the 1940s and 50s.  The only time we see him interact with it is when he sets it loose in the middle of the night to murder his traitorous assistant, Maxine, who had threatened to go to the police.  We cut to the gorilla back in its cage the next morning, and we assume Maxine is dead – only to have her walk in and tell us that her protective dog drove the gorilla back to the lab.

This is kind of a fun moment, not only because it's a surprise but because everything in it was set up, not just the gorilla but the animosity between it and the dog.  It also enables the eventual happy ending – after Markov is killed, Patricia worries that nobody else will be able to help her father. However, Maxine is familiar with Markov's work, and assures her that Lawrence will be just fine with a few weeks of treatment.  That's all quite nice for a mad scientist movie of this vintage!  It's also interesting in that it tells us these tropes were around to be subverted – that audiences in 1944 had already seen enough stupid mad scientist movies to know that the gorilla is supposed to kill the traitorous assistant and that the ending is supposed to be a tragedy.

The problem is that this leaves the gorilla with no reason to be in the movie at all besides to fake us out.  It ultimately has no effect on the plot whatsoever other than to establish Markov as a bastard, which by now we already knew.  You cannot put Chekov's Gorilla in a cage in act one, wave it around in act two before putting it back with a 'psych!', and then not have it break somebody's neck in act three.  It still has to do something, or you're just being a tease.

The fact that Maxine is able to cure Lawrence speaks to the fact that The Monster Maker is surprisingly respectful of its women.  Maxine is quite intelligent and knows her love for Markov is self-destructive, but feels she has devoted too much of her life to him to leave him now.  Patricia is a less substantial character, but her father treats her with great respect – when Markov demands Patricia in exchange for a cure, Lawrence continues to refuse even after the mad doctor has robbed him of his friends, his passion, and his career.  Pat's fiance Bob has fewer principles, as he repeatedly lies to her in the belief that he is protecting her from the truth, but this too is presented as the wrong thing to do and I hope we're meant to believe Bob learns from it. The screenwriters' general attitude seems to be that women should be allowed to make up their own minds about things.

Markov, as the villain, is also the movie's misogynist, and this is in no way subtle.  He wants to marry Patricia because she resembles Leonora – and that's it.  Her personality, her background, and her wishes mean nothing to him.  All he cares about is her face.  What she represents to him is an attempt to undo the wrong he did to Leonora herself.  We eventually learn that Leonora left him for another man, and in revenge he injected her with his monster juice.  He had hoped that her new love would leave her because she was no longer beautiful, but in fact Leonora committed suicide because she couldn't stand to look at herself in the mirror.

This tends to make one wonder what would have happened if Leonora had tried to crawl back to Markov.  At the time this happened, he didn't yet have a cure for his creations.  Would he have gone on to find one sooner in order to help her?  Or would he, too, have rejected her now that she was ugly?  I kind of suspect the latter.  He's only sorry about any of this because she died.  He wanted her back less than he wanted her to live in misery, knowing that without her looks she would have no value.

Interestingly, this also applies somewhat to Lawrence.  As his condition progresses, he locks himself in his room and puts records on so that nobody will realize he is now unable to play the piano... but he also keeps the lights off and refuses to admit anybody, too ashamed to show his face.  Ugliness apparently makes both sexes unfit company for the rest of us.

Markov himself speaks with a German accent despite having a Russian name. He manages to be slightly less creepy than the Great Vorelli or Dr. Carlo Lombardi, but only because he never resorts to rape via hypnosis.  Upon realizing he has found a cure for a terrible disease, his first reaction is to triumphantly declare that he can charge whatever he wants for it... eighty years later, that's still depressingly relevant.

So all this is okay and at times fairly progressive for the 1940s, but now we have to get into The Monster Maker's attitude towards the disabled.  I've been a little cagey about exactly what it is Dr. Markov is doing to his victims, and you've probably been picturing some sort of mutagen that makes them go all lumpy and melty like that guy in Robocop. Unfortunately, no.  Remember acromegaly, the hormonal disorder that Richard Kiel and Rondo Hatton suffered from?  Yeah.  Markov has a bottle of it in his cupboard.

I don't know how you bottle acromegaly, but at least they did better than the people who made Tarantula and fucking spelled it right.

Acromegaly is not a cheerful diagnosis.  Lawrence's doctor tells him it's not fatal, but that isn't always true – a lot of sufferers, including Hatton, die from the complications.  It disfigures the head, hands, and feet, and would definitely be a devastating disease for a pianist... all of which makes it that much worse that this stupid movie keeps using the word 'monster'.  Lawrence even describes himself as such, comparing his situation to that of Frankenstein's Monster and declaring that he will similarly kill Markov for what he has done to him.  In the end he does exactly that, and the movie never addresses it on any level besides 'boy, good thing the bad guy is dead!'

This is probably because, clearly, the real monster Markov has made is himself... but that's subtext.  In the text, his monsters are his overgrown pigs and Anthony Lawrence.  I just blasted Tarantula for spelling the name of the condition incorrectly, but that movie at least did not even imply that its human acromegaliacs were 'monsters'.  They were in every way victims, even when their sufferings were as a result of experimenting on themselves.  Lawrence is also a victim, but the movie plays up the 'monster' idea in more than just the title: Lawrence's condition also makes him restless and prone to violence, as he repeatedly attacks Markov and at one point must be tied to a bed to prevent him doing so.  Markov suggests that this is a side effect of the hormonal problems, but Lawrence's own belief that he's becoming a 'monster' also appears to have something to do with it.

In the end, this movie is way too much like The Brute Man, in telling us that the ugly and disabled can never be an accepted part of society.  Hal Moffat was forced into the shadows, while Anthony Lawrence takes to them voluntarily, but for the same reason: ugliness is made for gawking at, not for normal relationships such as that between partners, or parents and children.  Fuck that.

[agentstarkbarnes]

Amortentia. (Jules x Steve)

Summary: Julia Johnson and Steve Rogers are in their sixth year at Hogwarts.One day at potions, they brew amortentia and she realises she liked the quiet Hufflepuff boy all along.

Pairing(the regular xD): Julia x Steve, Tasha Sen x  Bucky Barnes

A/N: This is an AU where the avengers attend Hogwarts in the golden trio era.

Julia was walking, holding hands with her boyfriend Hugh. It was time for dinner and she was walking in through the great hall with Hugh, talking about the stars and what fascinated her. Hugh couldn’t be less interested. All he said was “Uh..mhmm”, “Cool” and “Kay”. “See you later, Hugh” she sighed to which he just nodded, watching her settle at the Ravenclaw table.

“Tough day, sweetie?” Tasha looked at her friend sadly. “It’s Hugh, he’s not that sweet guy anymore” Julia sighed as she picked up an apple. “You deserve better, Jules..do what you gotta do, okay?” she gave her an encouraging smile. Julia knew what exactly to do. Tasha and she talked about how toxic and controlling Hugh was, and Julia herself said that she felt about breaking up with him a lot of times, but couldn’t bring herself to do it. Tasha then distracted her by joking and they had dinner together.

--------------------------------------

Not far away, in the Hufflepuff table were Steve and Bucky. Steve was clutching his drawing notebook, looking at Julia. “What in the world is wrong with Hugh?” he said in an annoyed tone. 

“Wassup buddy?” Bucky stopped admiring his broom and looked at his friend. 

“Julia looked adorable, talking and pointing at the stars. Why can’t he see that?” Steve sighed. 

“You gotta tell that to her face, or else you’ll never know if she likes you back” Bucky chuckled and admired his broom again.

“I’ve known her for years, and she sees me as a friend and nothing more. She might not like me, Buck” Steve sighed.

--------------------------------------

After dinner, Julia and Tasha headed to the library to study. Hugh came rushing into the library to Julia. “What the hell are you doing here?” he yelled at her, only to get shushed by everyone there. Julia was embarrassed at this but also confused as to why he was yelling at her. “Why shouldn’t I be here, Hugh?” she asked him in a low tone.

“Pack up, you are studying with me in my common room. I have an essay due tomorrow, we haven’t got time” he said in a hasty tone. 

“Do you mean, me doing your assignment while you sleep in front of me? No thank you. Plus you’re planning this right now, and I’ve already got plans” she hissed at him.

“Why are you being such a bitch?” he screamed at her, in a relatively less tone than the one he used when he stormed into the library.

Julia took a deep breath and stared at him. “I’m done with you, Hugh. I’m not your puppet to do whatever you tell and to deal with your toxicity. Goodbye”. She then sank into her seat beside her friend.

Hugh came raging towards Julia, starting to yell, only to be facing the end of Tasha’s wand as she said silencio. Voiceless, Hugh clenched his fists and headed out. 

“Jules you good?” Tasha looked at her friend, only to see a crying mess. “There, there..don’t you cry for him” she hugged her. “Let’s head back to our dorms, okay? I’ll make you some tea..” Julia nodded and she packed both her and Julia’s stuff and took her to their dorm. 

--------------------------------------

It was a week after Julia broke it off with Hugh. She entered the great hall with sacks under her eyes and her hair not well groomed. Still, she was the prettiest person in the room. “Jules, up top!” Tasha tried to cheer her up, who had bags under her eyes too and a messy bun on top. Julia couldn’t sleep for days and Tasha stayed up, making tea and scones, consoling her.

“Should I have given him another chance? Did I overreact? I think I still like him” she said, tears forming in the corner of her eyes. “Heyy shushhh” Tasha made her sit. “You made the right decision, okay? Don’t worry..plus there are a lot of fish in the sea” Tasha smiled. 

Steve watched Julia sob from his table. His heart shattered as he saw her cry. “I’m going to kill Hugh” he let out a growl. “Calm down buddy, Hugh is a bigger mess right now. It’s so good to see the asshole suffer” Bucky chuckled. “Well he deserved it for breaking a heart of an angel” Steve said.

“Lemme get you your favorite quill from Clint, alright? He said he’ll lend it to you anytime, so I’m going there and snatching it from him” Tasha said as Julia smiled. “Keep smiling girl” Tasha pointed her index finger at Julia, walking to the Gryffindor table and getting the quill from Clint. 

“Keep it as long as you want, Tasha” Clint gave his best smile, being an amazing friend as he always is. “Sure will, honey” she winked, returning the smile. 

When coming back to the Ravenclaw table, she was stopped at the Hufflepuff table by the duo. “Oh hey Stevie, sup?” she smiled. “All good with Julia?” he asked shyly to which Tasha nodded.

“Flirting much? With Barton?” Bucky snickered at her. “Why do you care so much?” she smirked at him. “None of your business, messy bun” he pointed to her hair to which she groaned at him and turned back to Steve. “She’s just going through..a breakup, you can talk to her I guess, she’ll let her favorite people talk to her though” she smiled at Steve’s blush when he got to know that he’s one of Julia’s favorite people. 

“Aight then, see ya boys” she chuckled as she went back to Julia, giving her the quill. “Such a nice boy, Steve. He was concerned why you were sad.” Tasha said as she picked up her breakfast. Julia felt warm hearing Steve’s name. “Yeah, he’s always been nice to me” she smiled at Tasha.

After breakfast, it was potions. Great. Just what I needed in my terrible life. Potions as my first class.Till lunch. Julia thought to herself as she and Tasha went to the dungeon and sat at the first seats. They always sat at the front, answered questions back to back and scored points for Ravenclaw.

They waited for other students to come. Steve and Bucky came in and sat at a corner. As the students arrived and the class was settled, Professor Slughorn started pacing around the class slowly. “Today, we’re going to talk about and also brew the amortentia.” he talked the theoretical part for a few minutes before telling students to brew the potion.

Julia and Tasha were mostly partners in everything. As they were about to start with their potion, Slughorn approached the girls and asked one of them to interchange with Steve or Bucky as both the girls were smart and the boys cannot be trusted with potions. Since this potion required more precision, it was wise to let the girls split. “Mr.Rogers, pair up with Ms.Johnson” he said and Steve blushed profusely before coming to the girls’ table. “Have fun kiddos” Tasha smiled at them and picked her books. “Ms.Sen can assist Mr.Barnes” he added and Tasha moved to his table.

Steve looked at Julia. “J-Julia, are you okay?” he asked as he worked with the basic components of the potion.“Yeah Steve, I’m good. I just had a terrible breakup” she sighed as she began to take a component from him and cut it. 

He took it back and looked at her with his soft blue eyes. “If you’re feeling off, then I’ll finish the potion for us.I’m not clumsy, Bucky is.I just get caught with him” he rubbed the back of his neck shyly, which made Julia chuckle gently. “Also you look beautiful today” he added quickly. “I know you’re my friend, Steve but you need not flatter me” she smiled at him.

“No, I mean it. Your hair is so rich with the color and it looks so natural like this. Also your face is so clear and sun kissed and you have the most gorgeous smile I’ve ever seen” he said swiftly and nervously, but Julia caught the words and smiled at him. “You’re the best. I have no words except this, thank you Steve, it means a lot.”

He held her hand gently and squeezed it. “Also, if you have to talk about anything, I’m here” he gave a subtle nod at her, trying not to blush. Her heart raced for the moment when he squeezed her hand. She looked at him gratefully. “Sure Steve”

They then worked on the potion and brewed it successfully. After a while, Slughorn walked over to every table to inspect the potion. He arrived at Steve and Julia’s table and gave a satisfied smile after looking at the potion. “So tell me Mr.Rogers, what do you smell?” 

Steve hesitated for a moment and said. “Paint, canvas, cookies and a perfume..it smells something like a rose”. Julia turned a bit pink as she heard that but maintained a calm posture.

“Excellent. Ms.Johnson, what did you smell?” he turned to Julia. “Old books, the smell of rain and a cologne..I smelt the exact same smells when Tasha and I brewed this potion a few months ago” she said. Slughorn gave an impressive nod at Julia and Tasha for the early attempt at the potion.

“Prof, we smelled the same too!” Bucky called out to the professor. “What are you saying, Mr.Barnes?” Slughorn asked in a confused tone. “Miss.Sen over here and I smelt each other too” he chuckled, getting a slap on his arm from Tasha. “Shut up Buck” she whispered quickly, holding a laugh in. 

Julia felt her cheeks heat up. She just realized that all the mysterious feelings when she saw Steve was indeed love. The way her heart skipped when he held her or looked her in the eyes. They way she felt like she floated in air when he joked or played quidditch. The way she felt a pang of jealousy when other girls flirted with Steve. And she was glad it was mutual. She could not have tolerated two heartbreaks continuously. Little did she know that he felt the same way for her for years. 

Slughorn shook his head at Bucky and carried on with his class. “He is so sick of you, Barnes” Tasha giggled at him.

As Slughorn proceeded with his theoretical class, Steve turned to Julia and respectfully whispered. “Julia, will you go out with me? If you like me of course,  you are not obliged to say yes. You can take your time to answer, no rush” 

Julia smiled at him and noticed his nervousness. Of course she liked him, there was no doubt. You cannot lie to amortentia. Steve was fiddling with the quill, getting more nervous as time passed. 

After what seemed like forever, Slughorn concluded the class. Steve sat nervously in his seat. “Steve, I will go out with you” she smiled at him. Steve, being a gentleman, took her hand and kissed the back of it. “I’ll treat you right, Julia, you won’t regret it” he looked at her genuinely. Especially after a break up, hearing these words is annoying. Not when it comes out of Steve’s mouth, not when you see his earnest eyes looking at the girl he loves. Julia smiled at him. “I know I won’t regret it Steve” she pecked him on the lips and withdrew, making him look like a cherry.

“Well well well, if it isn’t my favorite couple” Tasha put her hands on Steve and Julia’s shoulders as Bucky stood on the side. “I fucking knew it!” 

“Come on Tasha!” Jules laughed softly, breaking the hug and picking her books. “So, this saturday?” she turned to Steve.

“Yes, at the library. I know how much you love the library..it won’t be a normal date, I assure you that” he smiled at her.

“Aight Bucko, take your man. I’m taking my homie to buy a dress for the date” she winked at him. The four walked out of the dungeon, Julia and Steve holding hands, talking romantically. Tasha and Bucky having a banter battle.

[organabanana]

Bloom || Harley/Ivy

Chapters: 1/1

Fandom: DCU (Comics)

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences

Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply

Relationships: Pamela Isley & Harleen Quinzel

Characters: Pamela Isley, Harleen Quinzel

Additional Tags: Femslash February, Femslash February 2020, Femslash, Hurt/Comfort, One Shot

Series: Part 2 of Femslash February 2020

Summary: Harley wants to try her hand at being a plant parent. Pamela helps. Feels are had. Warnings: implied Joker/Harley abuse. Light mention of needles in a medical context.

[ao3 link]

"Look what I got ya, Red!"

Harley climbed into the greenhouse through the window, as was her custom, even if she'd had a key for a while. Pamela figured it'd become a sort of tradition at this point and chose not to fight it.

"I stopped by that banker's place. Remember the banker I was telling you about? With the--"

"The jewelry collection?"

"Right!" Harley grinned, clearly delighted with Pamela's memory. "So I stopped by his place to... y'know. Get acquainted with it."

"And you got me...?" Pamela tried to steer Harley back to the topic at hand, but even she knew it was mostly a lost cause. Harley would meander for as long as she needed to, and she'd arrive at the actual message when she felt like it and not a second before that. That was tradition, too.

"Well, I wasn't gonna take anything on the first visit! I'm way smarter than that," Harley tapped her temple and winked at Pamela, "but when I was walkin' past this guy's office I saw this! And I knew it belonged with you."

Harley's triumphant smile contrasted sharply with what she held in her hands as if it was the shiniest trinket she could've possibly brought Pamela. Her face looked like she was hearing a rousing drum roll in her head. Her hands held... a clay pot with some dirt inside?

"I uh..." Pamela struggled to find the right words. She knew a little gratefulness could go a long way, but she was a bit too stunned to engage the polite area of her brain. She'd been friends with Harley for long enough that she was pretty sure she actually understood the beautiful mess that was the shorter woman's mind. But sometimes Harley still caught her completely off guard.

Bringing her a dirty pot as a present was one of those times.

"Thank you. For such a... well-crafted pot? Looks... sturdy."

"What?" Harley frowned, looking at Pamela like she'd grown a second head and then down at the pot as if she was worried she might have shown Pamela the wrong one by accident. "Oh! No, no, no, Red, look!" She took a couple steps forward, officially invading Pamela's personal space as she held the pot up so the taller woman could take a closer look. "See?" Harley pointed at a particular spot inside the pot. "There's someone in there!"

Green eyes narrowed as Pamela looked in, and the line of her jaw hardened when she saw what Harley was pointing to. A sad-looking, nearly dead little stick that had probably been a healthy green stem at some point, pitifully poking out of the dirt.

"Bastard," Pamela said simply, nearly spitting out the word as she gently took the clay pot from Harley. People let plants die as if they didn't matter at all. They weren't much better to animals, but at least most people were on board with seeing animal abuse as a crime. Plants, though? Nobody cared about plants. She figured it had a lot to do with them not crying out in pain. If they could feel their pain like she did...

She placed the pot on a nearby table, in a spot where it'd get all the sunlight it'd need. The plant looked more dead than alive at this point, but Pamela knew it was nothing she couldn't fix. She'd just breathe a bit of life into it, and--

"Hey, Pammy. Red? Hi. Remember me?" Harley flashed her a goofy smile that never failed to charm Pamela and take the edge off whatever was currently making her see red.

"Sorry. Got a little carried away, didn't I? Thank you for bringing it to me. Most people wouldn't even have noticed it."

Harley shrugged. There was something about the look on her face that made Pamela think if Harley was capable of blushing, she would've been doing just that. "Eh, no biggie. Greenery's kinda been on my mind lately, y'know? What with spendin' time here in the jungle with you."

She motioned around the greenhouse, which was of course full of the vegetation Pamela loved so much. Plants and flowers everywhere, claiming every inch of the space. Just the way Pamela liked it. Just the way it was meant to be.

"Still. Thank you, Harley."

"Aw, c'mon, stop it! Gonna give me a big head and mess up my balance."

Pamela let out a quiet chuckle at the mental imagery and focused on the plant - what was left of it, anyway - instead. She could fix its sad state in no time flat. She just had to touch it and--

"Uh... Pammy?"

"Yes, Harley," her tone was drier now. She was grateful, but her patience had a limit and Harley's constant interruptions were getting very close to it.

"Can I keep it?"

What?

Pamela turned around, forgetting the plant for now to stare at the shorter woman and try to make sense of whatever she was trying to say. "Can you keep what?"

"The plant!"

Green eyes blinked, slowly, just once. She would never fully understand Harley Quinn, would she?

Harley sighed, as if she couldn't believe she had to clarify what she meant because it was so obvious already. "Can it be my plant?"

"You want to... take it home with you?"

"No! No way!" Harley shook her head emphatically. "It'll live here, with you and its buddies. But I'll take care of it! It'll be my plant."

Pamela couldn't find the word to say exactly how Harley's request made her feel. It was... strangely charming. Endearing, almost. Something else.

"I'd be fine with that. You come over all the time anyway."

"YAY!" Harley bounced on her feet in a way that made Pamela fear a hug was incoming, but it ended up as a false alarm. "I'm gonna call it Cupcake."

"Cupcake", Pamela echoed, making no effort to hide just how ridiculous she found it.

"Right! Gonna be good to Pammy, ain't ya, Cupcake?" Harley ever-so-gently tapped the little dry stick, "Red, you can't do your green... thing with it, okay?"

"Come again?"

"Y'know, the thing! Where you'll make plants grow with magic."

"It's not magic, Harley, it's--"

"Oh, I know, I know," Harley said, waving her hand dismissively, "but you can't do it. Not to Cupcake, all right? Cupcake's my plant. I wanna take care of it myself."

Pamela hesitated for a moment. Ultimately, she figured there was no reason she couldn't let Harley give it a shot. She could always intervene if she absolutely had to.

"All right. Your plant. I promise."

***

"Ugh. Do I have to?"

Harley eyed the needle with a mixture of dread and disgust in her eyes. Pamela pointedly ignored the way Harley's bottom lip stuck out in a pitiful pout. Cute. But not cute enough to change her mind.

"Yes, you have to. It's for your own safety." Pamela filled up the syringe with a light green serum and tapped it with one of her fingertips to make sure there were no air bubbles within.

"But Pammy," Harley had a way of saying Pamela's name that made something tighten in a very peculiar way in Pamela's chest, "I'm immune to toxins. To yours, to Mistah J's... No need to get pokey with that thing, y'know? I'm fine!"

Pamela felt her jaw tense. It was an involuntary reaction, she swore. A sort of Pavlovian response to hearing his name coming from Harley.

"I've explained this, remember?" Pamela said, gently nudging Harley's elbow until she relented and held out her arm so Pamela could dab at a spot with an alcohol-soaked cotton ball, "it's not for my toxins, it's for my--"

"Pheromones. I know, I know," Harley rolled her eyes, "but hear me out: I trust ya, Red. All right? I know ya wouldn't do your mind-control love potion thing to me."

Pamela couldn't help but smile. "Not a potion, Harls," and she didn't bother explaining because the way Harley winked at her let her know she'd been joking all along, "but still. We're partners. Think of this as a... partnership contract. Something more solid than trust."

Harley took a moment to consider Pamela's words. There was a slight frown on her face, and then she opened her mouth to argue, but closed it again before any words came out. And then, finally, she made up her mind.

"All right, fine," she said with a dramatic sigh, looking away from her arm and the needle and focusing her gaze on her mallet that rested against a nearby chair instead, "do your thing, Red."

Pamela nodded once. Even if it'd been her idea all along, she hesitated for just a couple of seconds before injecting the serum into Harley's arm. She still thought it was the right thing to do. She hadn't lied when she told Harley it was a sort of contract. A partnership couldn't be equal when one of them had the means to control the other's mind, could it? And yet... maybe she hadn't told Harley the true reason she was receiving this shot.

"All done," Pamela said, placing a small band-aid over the barely-there spot where the needle had been.

"Really?" Harley looked from the band-aid to the discarded syringe and then into Pamela's eyes, amazement written all over her face.

"Wasn't so terrible, was it?"

"Barely even felt it. Ya got some skills, Red!" Harley grinned and hopped down from the table where she'd been sitting, immediately walking over to the small clay pot where her plant was struggling to recover.

"How's it looking?" Pamela asked as she disposed of the needle and tidied up the space around her.

"Sad," Harley said, her own tone as downcast as the little plant in the pot.

Pamela nodded. She knew the plant - Cupcake - wasn't doing great. She cared a great deal about that plant and its recovery. And at some point in the last couple of weeks, she'd had an epiphany and realized her concern wasn't just for the plant's well-being. No. She wanted the plant to thrive because she knew any other outcome would break Harley's heart.

And that. That was what kept her up at night thinking about the plant and its progress.

Which brought her back to the true reason she'd insisted on making Harley immune to her pheromones. It wasn't just about trust and an equal partnership, even if those were very real and logical points to make. What Pamela truly wanted, if she forced herself to be perfectly honest, was to know this was real. This... friendship they shared. She wanted to know without a shadow of a doubt that Harley's smiles were real. The way she looked at Pamela, the way she invaded Pamela's personal space, the way she wanted to spend seemingly all her time with Pamela. Pamela wanted to know it was all real.

"Pammy?" Harley's concerned voice made Pamela turn around to look at her, and the look in the blonde's face made something twist uncomfortably in Pamela's chest. "Is Cupcake gonna be all right?"

There was something deeply moving in seeing a woman with plenty of blood on her hands look like she was on the verge of tears over a dry little plant's well-being.

"Of course, Harl," Pamela walked over and looked into the pot, "you're doing great. It just needs some time."

And maybe the serum wasn't the only thing Pamela Isley hadn't been completely honest about. Because if she had truly honored her promise and stayed away from Cupcake - oh, that name - it would very much have been dead by now. But a little help wasn't a big deal. It counted as a white lie, right?

A green lie.

"Wait. Look. Red, look!" Harley pointed at the spot where Cupcake's stem met the dirt. And right there, if you squinted and looked very closely, you could almost see the tiniest hint of a new leaf pushing through. "Cupcake's alive!"

Harley grinned, bouncing on her feet for just a second before she turned around and threw her arms around Pamela's neck, pulling her into a tight hug that nearly threw the taller woman off-balance.

A real smile, and a real hug. Who cared about a little green lie or two?

***

"Ain't she a beauty?"

Harley proudly held up the brand new pot where Cupcake now lived and thrived. Harley had painted the clay pot herself, a mishmash of poorly drawn green vines and diamonds painted black and red. It toed the line between beauty and ugliness in a way that made Pamela think it may very well have been a work of art. It certainly made her feel things, didn't it?

"So Cupcake's a she?"

"Yep," Harley nodded confidently, placing Cupcake and its pot on the perfect spot where the sun hit just right, "one of us, Red. A survivor."

Harley wasn't looking at her, but Pamela didn't need to see her face to imagine the look in Harley's eyes. A survivor, indeed. And maybe that's why she let her guard down for just a moment, because she was too busy thinking about Harley and her life outside the safe haven of Pamela's greenhouse to fully engage the walls she always kept around herself.

Maybe that's why her hand moved without her permission, hovering right next to Harley's for a split second before Pamela came to her senses and put it back in her pocket, where it belonged. Not on - or in - Harley's hand.

"Hey, Red?" Something in the tone that echoed right under the surface of Harley's question let Pamela know she'd noticed exactly what had almost happened between them.

"Yes, Harl?"

Harley's pinky finger lightly brushed against the fabric of Pamela's shirt, right above the waistband of her pants.

Pamela's breath caught in her throat.

"What happens if I touch ya?"

"What do you mean?"

"If I touch ya. Skin to skin." Harley's voice sounded different all of a sudden. Just a little lower than normal. Her eyes looked slightly darker, too, when they looked up into Pamela's. "What happens then?"

"Nothing," Pamela said, pretending they were only talking about her toxins, "you're immune, Harl. Remember?"

Harley nodded. Pamela watched her worry at her bottom lip with her teeth. She watched her eyes roam down Pamela's body until they settled on the hand in her pocket. She watched Harley's own hand move towards Pamela's, fingers hesitating mid-air for a second before gently wrapping around Pamela's wrist.

"Can I?"

Now it was Pamela's turn to nod as she let Harley pull her hand out of her pocket and hold it in her own. Harley looked at it for a moment, almost as if she was seeing it for the very first time. As if they hadn't been partners in crime for so long now each other's hands should've been more than old news.

Harley started by tracing Pamela's fingers, and then the vines on the back of her hand. She followed the swirly lines with her own fingertips, across Pamela's hand and past her wrist, into the sensitive, soft skin of her forearm.

"Pammy?" It was barely above a whisper. Pamela couldn't remember the last time she'd breathed.

"Yeah, Harley?"

"What happens if someone else touches ya?"

Pamela smirked, even if her heartbeat was still very much all over the place. What would happen if someone else - anyone else - tried to do what Harley was doing right then?

"They die," Pamela said matter-of-factly, with maybe a hint of poorly hidden amusement in her voice. She wouldn't have been able to explain why the thought of someone dropping dead after touching her was funny, but it was.

And of course, Harley let out a quiet giggle that reminded Pamela of the fact that she didn't need to explain. Harley got it. Of course she did.

"And what if ya touch me, Red?" Harley's eyes found Pamela's again. "What then?"

Pamela could've said something. She could've said nothing would happen. But instead, she found herself reaching up to tuck a few flyaway hairs behind Harley's ear, letting her fingers brush against the soft skin of Harley's cheek on their way back down towards her neck. And then-

Then an obnoxious horn seemed to shatter the air between and around them, its festive fanfare making Harley drop Pamela's hand and take a step back.

"Shit," wide eyes looked around the room in search of a clock until they landed on the watch on her own wrist, "I forgot I told Puddin' I'd meet him ten minutes ago."

Pamela wanted to say something - do something - but she was rooted in place, her heart still struggling to recover from their moment and its abrupt end.

"I'll see ya soon, Pammy," Harley said, a twinge of sadness dimming her otherwise wide smile, "keep Cupcake company for me!"

***

"I don't wanna talk, Red. Don't make me talk."

Pamela pressed her lips together and took in the sight in front of her. The bruises, the dried tears, the scrapes, the spot of blood on a swollen lip. The cut right above Harley's right eyebrow, red and angry and still bleeding.

She looked until she couldn't do it anymore, and then she clenched her eyes shut and forced herself to breathe. She wanted to kill him. She wanted him dead more than she wanted anything else in the world. But she knew Harley needed her here, with her. Revenge would have to wait.

"Is she getting a flower?"

"What?"

Pamela opened her eyes and saw Harley looking at Cupcake in her homemade pot. The little plant kept growing, with a little help from Harley's well-intentioned care and a lot of help from Pamela and the Green. And yes - she had a little bud which looked about ready to bloom.

"Sit down, Harl," Pamela sighed, shaking her head, "let's take care of you first. Then we can look into the flower, all right?"

Harley didn't seem too convinced, but she hopped onto the nearby table anyway, one fingertip gently tapping the still closed bud as if she wanted to reassure the little plant that she was going to be all right.

Pamela gathered her first aid supplies and arranged them on the table next to Harley, focusing on the task at hand instead of the many slow and painful ways she wanted to end that bastard's life. Harley needed her here, now. And that's where she had to stay.

"Let me see that cut," she said, one hand gently cupping Harley's jaw to turn her face so the light would hit the small gash on her forehead. Pamela frowned at the sight.

"That bad, huh?" Harley tried to sound like she was teasing, but for once it fell flat. There was nothing funny about the situation, and even Harley Quinn could tell.

"The lip's not too bad," Pamela said, "but that cut's going to need at least a couple of stitches."

Harley winced in anticipation, and the thought of hurting her was enough to make something twist in Pamela's chest. She'd seen Harley get far worse injuries than these a million times before. She'd seen her laugh it all off like she was made of rubber and nothing could ever hurt her. But this was different. He'd done this.

"Hey," Pamela said, covering Harley's hand with her own and giving it a gentle squeeze, "I'm here. You're safe."

Harley just nodded and looked down at the plant on the table next to her. And in that moment, Pamela would've given anything to be able to breathe life into her, just like she did with that little plant. But that wasn't how things worked.

"Don't worry about the pain," Pamela said as she walked towards a nearby cabinet and started going through the vials it contained, "I'll give you a shot of the really good stuff. You won't feel a thing."

Light pink vial in hand, Pamela winked at Harley and hoped that'd be enough to lighten up the mood just a little bit.

It wasn't.

"Here," she said, opening the vial and offering it to her friend, "drink up. It'll stop hurting right away."

Harley took the vial from Pamela and studied it for a moment, holding it up in the light. But instead of drinking it, she placed it on the table next to the other medical supplies.

"Where'd ya get that, Pammy?"

Pamela's eyes narrowed slightly in confusion. "What do you mean? I didn't get it anywhere. I made it."

Slowly, Harley's gaze moved from the vial to Pamela's hand, and then up, up, up, until she was looking straight into green eyes.

"Ya made it?" Harley tapped a spot in the middle of Pamela's chest, and Pamela knew exactly what she meant. Did she make it in the lab, or did she make it?

Pamela nodded.

"Why'd ya give me that lil' bottle then?"

"What do y-"

"Ya don't give Bats and the others their poison in lil pink bottles, do ya, Red?"

Oh.

Pamela licked her lips, her eyes subconsciously glancing down at Harley's mouth.

"Right," Harley said, a smirk slowly appearing on her lips, "that's what I mean."

"You know your lip's hurt, right?"

"I'll live, Pammy."

So after a moment of pause - more to savor the moment than anything else - Pamela leaned in and kissed Harley, gently, letting the blonde set the pace until the anesthetic kicked in.

And once it did... well. By then they were both a little too distracted to think about stitches or injuries or anything that wasn't each other and their kiss. Harley's fingers slid into red hair, greedily pulling Pamela closer and closer until they were pressed flush against each other, and even that didn't feel like they were close enough. And then, just as Pamela's hand started its trek up Harley's thigh...

"Look!" It took Pamela a couple of seconds to focus blown pupils enough to see what Harley was excitedly pointing out, "Cupcake got her flower!"

"Good for her," Pamela said with a grin as she captured Harley's lips with her own once again. For once, a plant didn't seem like the most important thing in the world.

***

"I've left him."

Pamela looked up from her microscope and stared at the woman on the other side of the greenhouse. They'd been sharing one of their comfortable silences for the better part of an hour, and Pamela hadn't been expecting Harley to speak at all. Let alone to say... that.

"What?"

"I've left him, Red."

Pamela sighed as she stood up and walked closer to her friend. As much as she wanted to believe her, they'd been through this before. Harley got hurt, she left him, Pamela helped her heal, and then she inevitably went back to him. It was a destructive, toxic cycle Pamela had no idea how to break without losing Harley's friendship in the process.

"Harl..."

"No. I mean it. I've left him. For good." Harley held Pamela's gaze, and Pamela saw something in her eyes that she'd never seen before when talking about him. Something like... confidence. "I told him right before Bats got him."

Pamela narrowed her eyes just so. There was something in Harley's tone and demeanor that made her think Batman had had a bit of help from the inside when it came to getting that bastard this time.

"He's in Arkham?"

Harley nodded.

"And you...?"

"I wanna stay here, Pammy. With you."

Pamela stood where she was, unable to make up her mind. She wanted to believe what she was hearing. She wanted Harley. Hell, she loved Harley. She'd loved her for so long, in fact, that a part of her refused to believe this was real.

"No rush, Red," Harley reached for Pamela's hand and tugged lightly, encouraging her to come closer, "Bats said he's gonna be locked up for a real long time."

"And when he gets out?"

Harley shrugged. There was a hint of embarrassment in the way she smiled, like she knew Pamela had every reason to doubt things would truly be as easy as they seemed this time.

"I dunno. Maybe we'll be off in a tropical island by then."

Pamela chuckled. "A tropical island?"

"Wherever ya want," Harley said, and in the silence that followed Pamela could hear her own heartbeat telling her how real this whole thing truly was, "I love ya, Pammy. I really do."

Pamela's eyes fluttered closed for a moment as she let the words wash over her. Harley loved her. Harley wanted to be with her. Harley--

"Have you been lyin' to me?"

"What?" Pamela opened her eyes to see Harley looking at Cupcake and the very nearly radiant flower she'd just sprouted. Crap.

"Have you been keepin' her alive all this time?"

Pamela kept her best poker face on, but she felt her cheeks warm up with guilt.

"I have no idea what you're talking about, Harley."

The blonde tilted her head to one side, eyeing Pamela as if she was trying to read the truth in her eyes. And then, without saying a word, she leaned in and kissed her - soft and sweet, and keeping an eye on the plant next to them. And as if on cue, the second Harley deepened the kiss, a second flower bloomed next to the first.

"Oh, Pammy," she sighed, and Pamela didn't know if it was the tone of Harley's voice or the look in Harley's eye that was making her knees feel weak, "ya better buckle up, baby, because I'm about to turn this place into even more of a jungle."

[starksinthenorth]

...

I’ve been pretty absent from Tumblr and AO3 over the last month or so. In that time I: moved back to the city my school is in from where my parents live, started a new job, dealt with my city’s race riots/protests happening right outside my building (the stores on the first floor got broken into two nights in a row and a neighbor got maced by a cop while watching from their balcony, a friend got arrested for violating curfew - and that’s just a few things that happened), and started a new job. I live alone with a cat and dealing with the emotional isolation from friends and family has been more draining than I anticipated. My apologies for not responding, but with all the personal shit I just did not have the emotional energy to deal with ship wars and people’s adamant defenses of their faves.

This post is an address to a series of comments on my fic, Brave, Gentle, Strong, on AO3 by someone who has (generally) been respectful until recently, when the comments got somewhat more demanding and entitled. In fairness, I did promise to answer but just did not have the emotional space to deal with this. There’s a lot in those comments, so I’ll be addressing them in chunks. Here goes.

Request to tag fic “Sansa-centric”: I’m not going to be doing this. This fic is not Sansa-centric, I have fans of J, S, and D who have all enjoyed it and are sticking around despite controversial decisions I’ve made. While it’s mostly a romantic angst fic, the political plot thus far has been wholly dedicated to Dany finding a way to get her throne. The ending will be successful in that endeavor. If you do a “find” search on the “entire work” option, Dany appears 569 times, Daenerys 153 (total = 722); Sansa 837; and Jon 732. I have a horrible habit of using epithets, and “queen” appears an additional 197 times, most of which are “the queen” or “his queen” in reference to Dany.

Advocating for Dany is encouraged, not discouraged: I never said I don’t want people to advocate for their faves. Especially since I’m still not as familiar with Dany, I don’t mind people calling out areas I’ve miswritten her. Someone mentioned that I only have Sansa and Jon reflect on Dany’s beauty and not her strength and accomplishments. That’s not entirely true, but a reread did show me I have ways to go on making that more evident. Part of the difference with her and Sansa being appreciated by the other/Jon was two-fold: 1) Sansa was coming into the already established relationship of Jonerys, and 2) Sansa gets trashed a lot more in fanfic that I’ve read. When I was mostly into Jonsa it was a few years back and writers were still kind to Dany. When I got into Jonerys fic, it was during/after S8 and the writers were absolutely TERRIBLE to Sansa. I had my reasons for making Sansa appeared loved by the other two; but it’s on my list of things to add in on edits to show ways that J and S appreciate her more than just being pretty.

The reason that comment was made was some threatening and uncomfortable comments made by Dany stans.: I got some pretty awful comments from other Dany stans and it made me very adverse to reading any comments about her because of it.

I am a fan of Dany.: I really hate having to defend myself to people just because Sansa is my fave. I wrote this fic in anticipation of the horrible things to come after 804: Who Would Ever Want to be Queen?, a decent amount of fics with D/S as the premier couple in a happy way, and even some J/S fics where she’s featured positively. I’ve also written plenty of meta, rants, and defenses of her on tumblr: book!Dany and saving Missandei; how Dany could have been pro-slavery out of bitterness and wasn’t; Jon won’t kill Dany; GRRM Does Not Want Us to Think Negatively of Daenerys in ADWD; How Dany + Sansa will meet; Way D&D Fucked Up Daenerys Targaryen #32423423; and more. Like, just because bad things are happening to a character doesn’t mean the author hates them.

 This OT3 is made of characters I deeply care for. I just also really like angst. This fic is tagged heavy angst and we’re only 2/3 of the way through part 1 of 2.  

OT3’s future together:

1) Dany’s first child. I’m confused why you think Dany is “unhappy” when she leaves them at King’s Landing. She’s concerned to realize she’s pregnant – she stutters through her excuses to go away before puking; Missandei describes Dany as thus: “The look on Dany’s face nearly breaks her Hand’s heart. The joy and worry mixed with so much pain. She’s already lost two children. Must she lose a third?” Dany is severely worried that this child will die and explicitly doesn’t “want to pain [Jon and Sansa] with the news” that they could lose a child. Dany is an incredibly giving, loving character, but she also has an aloofness to her. This isn’t necessarily a negative thing, but it’s something she’s dealt with in canon: “Do all gods feel so lonely? Some must, surely.” (ASOS, Dany VI). And while they’re happy, she’s still dealing with that and learning to trust her partners. That’s why she goes to Dragonstone to give birth.

2) Writing Health poly relationships: You point out “Poly relationships that are healthy, have three or more people who love and respect each other. Equally.” And that’s what I’m working towards. The problem between how we each view this is in that exact statement: I am working towards a healthy relationship. They aren’t in one yet. Everyone has some personal and plot issues to work through before they can get together. And for that to happen, various plot devices needed to occur. It is not the purposeful “destruction and misery of one [partner]” in this fic from the other partners’ POVs. It’s an authorial decision to make everyone pretty miserable before they can be triumphant. I’ve written a fair amount of angst and fics that are literally just characters suffering. It’s a dynamic I like to explore and this has been labeled Heavy Angst since the first chapter was posted, back when it was just Dany taking a nap and chatting with Sansa. If angst isn’t your thing, this isn’t the story for you. I’ve said it since the beginning. I’ve been doing reading in on this and how to write it better, but at the end of the day they aren’t a couple yet. They’re each individual parties thinking as individuals about their individual interests. They still need to realize they’re better together, and they aren’t there yet. If you want to know how that looks, checkout The Price of a Princess, a newer fic about their future as parents and rulers together.

3) Authorial plot devices do not equate abuse character behaviors. You said it was “abuse” that I had a plot device (the miscarriage) that is going to cause character and romantic development. That’s not abusive behavior. The characters are unaware of the events as they occur. A living human cannot abuse fictional characters. You might disagree with the choices I made about this plot, but it’s not abusive because only one of us is actually a person.

[hopeworldfan]

RO5EY (2)

summary: you were an idol but didn’t look the part.

pairing: hoseok/reader

word count: 1k+

genre: fluff, angst, idolverse

warning: bullying, mentions of depression, mentions of suicide

Blooms meant the absolute world to you. They were the ones who made it possible for you to have a career that you loved, they supported you and encouraged you through thick and thin, so you tried to give back to them as much as you possibly could. In doing so, you were the most active of your group on Vlive and social media (since your company allowed you all to have your own personal accounts.) It was the least you could do for the people who gave so much to you.

“Hey, guys!” You greeted cheerfully, a wide smile on your face as you sat in your room. “How’s everyone doing today?”

You relaxed back in your chair, scanning the chat log as messages flooded in as people joined the stream.

“Better now that you see my face? You guys are so sweet!” You gushed, framing your face and smiling at the camera. It was hard to not let on just how tired you were after a long day of rehearsing, but you hadn’t streamed in a while and felt guilty. Sleep could wait.

“When are we coming to America? Hopefully soon! I want to see you guys so bad!” You answered with a pout. Your eyes continued to scan the outpour of messages, schooling your expression as the meaner comments started to trickle in.

Fat pig

How disgusting

Why are you in a group with such cute girls, you only bring them down

You should just die

It wasn’t anything new, unfortunately. Ever since the five of you debuted, you always received the most hate, it was commonplace.

“Oh! You guys saw our interview with BTS? They’re all so nice.” You paused to take a sip of your water. “You liked my performance of Cypher? Aww thank you! I was so nervous, it was embarrassing!”

You made a fool of yourself

The performance was terrible

You’re not talented

Kill yourself

“J-Hope is your bias too? We’re bias twins!” You laughed, keeping a smile on your face. The cruel words hurt, of course they did, but you couldn’t let it get to you. If you let it get to you then that means they won, so you soldiered on, chatting with your real fans.

“Advice for unconventional girls who want to be idols?” You paused. That question was a frequent one that was fielded your way. “You have to have thick skin. I’m very vocal about the hate I receive, and it never really gets easier, but sweet fans like you guys give me the strength to power through! As long as I can make one person smile with what I do, nothing is going to stop me!”

You chatted with your fans for another half hour before signing off and slumping down into your chair. What felt like every bone in your body cracked when you stretched your limbs and sighed. It was late, but you had wanted to stream at a time convenient for your American fans and since practice didn’t end until late, it seemed like the perfect opportunity. When in Rome and all that.  

Sinking into your plush mattress felt like heaven and you couldn’t help the sigh that slipped out. Tomorrow was going to be another long day of practicing for the next award show performance. RO5EY strived for nothing less than perfection, it’s what was necessary to stay on top, and it’s what the fans deserved. With fans in mind, you forced yourself to sit back up and grab your phone, working on taking a cute selfie to post on Instagram.  

Since your company’s sole focus was defying idol norms, it wasn’t a surprise when they let you all have your own personal social media accounts. Though they were monitored by a social media manager, you mostly had free reign to post whatever you wanted, within reason. They didn’t want the reputation of the group getting tarnished by outlandish posts.

After a few minutes of changing angles and poses, one of the pictures was decent enough post and you did so quickly, adding a caption thanking the Blooms who tuned into the Vlive and telling them to be on the lookout for the next one. It was only a matter of seconds before the comments started.

No one cares about your vlive.

You’re the worst member.

Ugly.

Hana had suggested turning commenting off, so did the social media manager. That would have been the smart thing to do, because even if the accounts got reported and suspended, more only rose to take their place. You couldn’t bring yourself to do it though, the whole reason for your presence on social media was to interact with your fans. There was something so amazing about being able to bring joy to someone just by replying to their comment, or hell, even just liking it. So, you dealt with the hate, tried to let it roll off your back, focusing on the positives and trying your best to ignore the negatives.

Just as you were sinking back in your bed, your phone buzzed, and you laughed when you saw it was a text from your leader.

Why are you posting so late? We have a long day tomorrow; you need your rest.

Also, that’s a cute picture.

Practice was intense, but it always was. Youra was a perfectionist and she led practices since she was assigned the role of lead dancer. She was a harsh teacher, never letting the smallest of mistakes slip by, but none of you ever took it personally, you wanted to be perfect.

“And feet together on eight,” She instructed and the four of you immediately followed suit. “Next the dance line has a feature so you two can go have a quick break while we go over this.”

The dance line consisted of you, Youra, and Hana. Out of the three, you were by far the least experienced dancer which meant you always had to work ten times harder to make the work look effortless. Hana was classically trained before she became a trainee, and Youra’s parents owned a hip-hop studio so she’d been dancing since she could walk.

Byeol would have been the ideal third member of the dance line since she was also classically trained, but since Youra and Hana were both vocalists, management wanted a either you or Seung and your poor rap partner was even more hopeless at dancing than you were.  

Sweat dripped down your face as you worked to keep up with Youra’s movements. Your muscles burned with every move, ever stretch, but you refused to give up. Dancing had become easier over the years, but it still took you longer to master routines.  

“Alright, let’s take a break then take it from the top.” You immediately slumped to the ground the second the words slipped out Youra’s mouth. The cool, wooden floors were a welcome relief against your hot skin.

“Yeah unnie! That’s my rap partner!” Seung cheered, running up and collapsing on top of your pitiful form. You groaned and immediately pushed her off, flopping onto your back.

“Put me out of my misery.” You pleaded desperately but your black-haired friend just laughed.

“You don’t get off the hook that easy unnie.”

“You’re doing really well unnie.” Byeol complimented, walking up to the two of you.

“Thanks, ByeBye.” You said, your voice muffled from your arms covering your voice. Your maknae was always there to shower you in compliments when necessary, she was the cutest person on the entire planet and that wasn’t an exaggeration.

“Hey girls!” A cheery voice interrupted, and you immediately jumped up.

“Jaewon-unnie!”

“Hello Jaewon-unnie!”

“Good morning Jaewon-unnie.”

“There’s our favorite manager!”

“Hiya Jaewon-unnie.” You all greeted. Jaewon was the one who started it all. Despite only being ten years older than you, she was the CEO and one of the founders of the small company your group belonged to. It was uncommon, having a female CEO, but it was also uncommon having a chubby girl as an idol, and that was the whole point.

Jaewon was highly critical of the toxic parts of the K-Pop industry. Her aunt had been an idol back in the day and she saw first-hand the effects the industry had on young men and women. She did her senior thesis on the changes the industry should make. With a few friends and help from her very wealthy family, she founded the company. You all admired her so much, knowing how hard she’s worked to make the company, and your group successful.  

“I have some exciting news,” She started with a smile and the five of you crowded her immediately, eager for whatever news she had. “I’ve been in contact with BigHit-”

Seung immediately squealed and you slapped your hand over her mouth, despite the fact that you easily could have had the same reaction. You all knew BigHit, more importantly, you all knew a certain group that was under their management.

“As I was saying,” Jaewon laughed. “I’ve been in contact with BigHit. The ratings for the show you did with BTS were better than either of us thought they would be. Apparently, there was a surge of international viewers. There are talks about a collaboration being thrown around.”

All five of your squealed that time, even Hana, though hers was more subdued.

“Nothing is set in stone yet.” Your manager quickly interjected. “But we’re thinking about doing a series of some sort since there are too many people for one song. If it all goes according to plan, we’re looking at RM and Hana since you’re both leaders, Byeol and Jungkook since you’re both the maknae, Youra with Jimin and V, Seung with Suga and Jin, and (y/n) with J-Hope.”

“Oh my god shut up unnie! Ahh!” Seung shrieked, bouncing up and down in sheer excitement. “I get to work with Suga? Is this a dream? This has to be a dream! Pinch me (y/n)-unnie!”

You automatically pinched your excited companion and she squealed again. “It’s not a dream!”

“Jimin is a beautiful dancer, this is exciting.” Youra grinned.

“With Jungkook?” Byeol’s face was a bright red.

“When will we know more?” Hana questioned, always getting straight to business.

“We’re having a meeting in three days to iron out the details.”

You were frozen solid. A collaboration with J-Hope? Just you and him? You reached down and pinched yourself, wincing at the pain. Okay, not a dream.

[ambroseffxiv]

Character Details: Ambrose

just a quick warning, since this is pretty detailed, ill be putting as much detail as i feel like into this! which means things you probably didnt want to know. youve been warned. additionally, for my own sake, this is only for the crystal version of ambrose. thank you ilu

full name. Ambrose Metaxas ; birth name J’nah Vacho/Tia pronunciation. ahm-bro-s meh-tax-us nicknames. amby, amb, rosey/rosie, blue, baobao height. 4′11″ (possibly.) age. 19 zodiac. Nymeia patron, Aquarius zodiac languages.   Dravanian/Dragonspeak, ‘Old Elezen’/Landlord, Common/Eorzean (spoken only)

physical characteristics.

hair colour.  Natural hair color is a light pink, but tends to dye it in black or brown.  eye colour.  Cyan, with white pupils. skin tone.  Brown. body type.   Muscular, but not defined. Fat covers most of his stomach and legs, the most defined muscles being on his arms. Has a wider waist, with thick thighs comprised of muscle and fat.  accent. Otherworldly, on the surface. He sounds like he’s using his entire throat to speak, coupled with the occasional accidental snarl. To people who have joined in the chorus (understand dragonspeak/dravanian, are dragons in nature, etc) Ambrose sounds gentle and like a young man of his age. When excited, he gets a little higher pitched- Around the right people, that is. dominant hand.  He’s ambidextrous (ironically) but typically uses left hand. posture. He stands straight, with little slouch. Warriors do not slouch, and nor do soldiers. Has a tendency to sit with his hands between his legs. scars. Plenty, mostly from terrible decisions. Notable ones are primarily on his arms, smaller ones from repeat summoning as a child that have long since dulled, ones from swords and magical burns, and one notable one that spans both of his forearms, a slash from a Temple Knight’s sword in an attempt to end him. There are also a few smaller scars on his torso, but the only larger ones are underneath his breasts, but they aren’t noticeable unless you look for them. tattoos.  Arcane symbols that divide his upper body into sections like a butchering diagram. Made of Arcane ink and with smaller implants of Allagan origin. Stripes also follow on his upper body, furred portion of his legs, back, back of the neck, and face.  most noticeable features. Eyes appear to lack pupils. Tail is huge and fluffy, calves are digitigrade ending with paws, appears to have retractable claws when observed closely, fangs appear to be large enough that they shouldn’t fit so snugly in his mouth, nose seems to be more catlike, and hands/fingers have small pads.

childhood.

place of birth. Ala Ghiri, Gyr Abania. hometown.  Tailfeather, Dravania. birth weight / height. n/a (he was a fat baby tho) manner of birth. n/a (probably just summoned into the world who knows) first words. "Apple.” siblings.  Too many from his initial group of Heretics, various from the Enlightened Ones, currently unknown. Vaguely considering Akai Ikigomi due to relations. parents. J’nhakso (J Tribe, Miqo’te, Seeker of the Sun, Mother) Vacho Vesucho (Limsan, Lalafell, Plainsfolk, Father), Various adoptive parents. parental involvement. none from his birth parents. adoptive parents were very involved throughout each of their periods with him.

adult life

occupation. Retainer and sometimes botanist. current residence.  Ren Huang’s apartment in the Goblet. close friends. Esredes Rosemond, Ren Huang relationship status. In a relationship with Ren Huang.. Kind of. They’re working on it. financial status. Well off, even without Ren. Just manages his own money poorly. vices. Ambrose has a weakness to people who are simply kind to him from the getgo, a problem he had since he was little, trusting people relatively blindly so long as he’s treated well. Additionally, he has been prone to a slight drinking problem in his past due to it being the cheapest painkiller available when he was imprisoned. Otherwise, he’s desperate for attention and affection, and due to his own inexperience, is blind to certain boundaries in love, romance, sex, and all things relating to it. He does consider friends past a certain point as family as well, which can result in.. Problems, sometimes.

sex & romance.

sexual orientation.  homosexual romantic orientation.   homoromantic preferred emotional role.  submissive | dominant | switch  |  unsure preferred sexual role. submissive  |  dominant  |  switch |  sex repulsed libido. Not very high, but he’s easy to get caught up in feelings and the moment. The quickest way to get him in bed is to follow his turn ons to the letter, and add in a little bit of praise and affection. He isn’t one to ask unless you’re fairly close to him. turn ons. treating him like a delicate little flower or treated like an object, secretly. He loves being roughed around, and praised for any little thing. Has a slight thing for being marked/claimed, and likes just being felt, mostly near the base of his tail (his tail is only sensitive at the tip and base) and his chest/nipples. Also enjoys having his nipples played with and sucked on. Also because of Ren, having casual conversation during sex. turn offs.  Blood. Any injuries being made to him or his partner that aren’t just bruises. Pulling on his ears or tail. Anything to do with his feet (though he doesn’t mind people playing with his toebeans, it’s not a turn on). Any mention of him being better if he were still a woman. Complete silence.  love language. Wrapping his tail around his partner. Constantly trying to keep them as close as possible. Little kisses on the chin and cheeks, and deep kisses with lips. Scratching at his partner’s back in certain positions. Feeling his partner and nuzzling them constantly. relationship tendencies.  Little gifts of affection, coupled with warm cuddles and needing to be close at all times. He can’t stand being separated for too long, and if he has to be, he gravitates back to his partner immediately. Wants to be held and cuddled, and is just a bit demanding. Supportive and his partners biggest cheerleader. Obsessed with his partner to an unhealthy point. Not controlling, but wants to know every little thing on his partner to make sure they’re always safe and always happy.

miscellaneous.

hobbies to pass the time.  Flowers. Just. Flowers. Talking to people he trusts. Trying recipes he’s never heard of. Some baking (he prefers making meals, but his cookies are great). Taking long walks. Snuggling Ren.  mental illnesses.  PTSD. Chronic Depression. Probably more, but I’ll be honest, I’ve never looked into it. physical illnesses.  His summoning ability leaves him a shade of a man, and if a primal takes over his mind, it turns quite literal. He considers it a blight on himself. Otherwise, physically usually healthy. left or right brained. Neither, apparently. (i’d say left) fears. Complete abandonment. Being somewhere completely silent. Everyone he knows dying all at once. Being surrounded by blood and gore. Blood and gore on white. Large fires. Burnt flesh. Ser Charibert. The leader of his heretic group before the Enlightened ones. Things he can’t see. Not being able to see.  self confidence level. Average, but dips into poor frequently. Usually holds his head high due in part of the teachings of his ‘father’ and leader, Esredes. Will refuse many things simply because of his personal pride.  vulnerabilities. His ability backfiring. His thighs are strong, but his calves are an easy target. Struggles in high heat environments due to growing up primarily in a temperate to frozen environment. Many things will trigger Ambrose into a panic attack, and he doesn’t know everything that will and won’t. 

tagged by: @thevoilinauttheory and @yulu-and-co tagging: @eastern-eccentric pls cries i think most ppl have already done this but if you havent use meeeeee

[creatingspaceinmyhead]

Look what you made me do.

I’m sure everyone loves that song by taylor swift.

“I don't like your little games Don't like your tilted stage The role you made me play of the fool No, I don't like youI don't like your perfect crime How you laugh when you lie You said the gun was mine Isn't cool, no, I don't like you .”

So I’m writing these journal entries becasue I’ve had someone in my life who has acted in a completely shady way and I really need to jut sit here and write eveything that went down. So i can finally clear my head and move on with this mess. I’m probably going to included the messages as well. Now just to be completely honest and transparent, I also acted like a tool throughout this as well. Mostly out of hurt, but I did say thngs that I am not proud of.

I’m going to put these under read mores - TRIGGER WARNING TALKING ABOUT CHILD ABUSE -

But this ended up playing perfectly into what she wanted to happen anyway.

But I digress, I should start at the beginning because all good writing has those. So my sister in law we’ll refer to her as H, from now on. Started dating this abusive dickead who we’ll refer to as L, back in 2017. He’s a complete waste of time and space, he doesn’t even have the looks to make up for his terrible personality. So they had been dating a while when this happened, but basicaly L has a kid called C and obviously being the crapbag that he is, he treats him like shit all the time and calls him names and is genrally terrible. H’s mum J has spent the past 2 years coming down to us, complaining about L and basically wishing that H would just hurry up and leave him. (spoiler she won’t because he’s her “soul mate”.)

I had, had my daughter B several months before, so we had the ‘pleasure’ of seeing H more and hearing about the drama that is her life. Until on day when she also brings down L and his son C. Now this day L had a stick up his arse, and you could just tell that he was being foul. By this point we’d seen him with his son a coupe of times and hear enough from J to know that he’s abusing this kid. But obviously becasue they don’t do anything, and he’s comfortable enough around us, he obviously thought that he could do anything he wants and not get into trouble.

So C is on the floor playing with B, he’s 6 so he’s miowing and pretending to be a cat. You know kid stuff. L is on the sofa being miserable and staring at his phone when he suddenly shouts, “god shut up you stupid cunt.” yes to a child who is just pretending to be a cat.  H and J half heartedly tell him off, he ignores them and goes back to his phone. My partner T (H’s brother) is obviously annoyed he takes B to get a bottle in the kitchen. I’m uncomfortable as all heck, so after a little bit I start to follow him down to the kitchen, I’ve barley left the living room when I hear an almighty CRASH and turn around.

J shouts H, go get C. And all you can here is L shouting. The H starts banshi screaming “give him here, give him to me, STOP.” My partner hearing this comes storming down the corridor. He hands me B. And starts to make for throwing L out on his arse. Because we could all hear that he had just thrown that little boy into a wall. J is already screaming at him in the living room “your a terrible father, how dare you, that is disgusting behaviour.” L just sits down casually on the sofa. J then tried to restrain T from throwing him out (I still don’t know why. As H rushing past me into the kitchen.

We all follow her, C has a hug egg on the back of his head, a chinese burn up his arm and all H can say is lamely “sorry guys.” Like this is normal. Poor fucking C says “why is daddy so mad at me.” They all leave shortly after. He tries to hld his dads hand in the car and he snatches it away. When L gets to his ex-K house he tells her a lie that C was swinging on a doorknob and thats why he has a bump.

 H and L break up that night

And H does the only decent thing shes ever done, and tells ex-K what really happened and that L abused his kid and hurt him. ex-K said “not like its the first time.” (I’m going to tell the story in order but this part is important.)

The next day H and L get back together (obviously, she is a doormat.)

I spend the next 2-3 days wrestling with wether I should contact social services. J says that she has half a mind to report him herself because his behaviour was so bad. My partner T is livid and agrees that I should. So I ring up social and tell them what happened.

A couple of days after that I get an angry message for J saying that H has just rung her in floods of tears, becasue shes had to talk to the police on her first week of being a teacher (yes I know H is a teacher.) But that its all my fault because I reported it and how dare I.

[haltandcatchfiretothemax]

Everyone's terrible: Halt and Catch Fire 4x08.

Because it's determined to be the most maddening show of all time, of course Halt's penultimate episode is going to maybe be the best episode of the season and easily one of the best of the series. I've spent this entire season getting more and more frustrated and distracted by the show's construction, and as such feeling more and more ready for it to end its run. So naturally, the next to last one is the only episode of the season that not only didn't have a bunch of stuff in it that upset and annoyed me, but that also reminded me why I fell so hard for Halt in the first place, and why I'll miss it so badly. WHY?

"Goodwill" is a really remarkable hour of television about a necessary and draining chore that we mostly try not to think about ever having to do. It feels like it should be uncomfortable, but it's surprisingly easy to watch, and I think it's the first episode all season that I'm truly looking forward to watching again? There's a lot to talk about, and it seems like no matter how much my Halt geek friends talk about it, we still want to talk/cry about it more. So, put on some Dire Straits, grab some extra boxes and plastic bags, and lets see if we can finally sort and pack up what went on in this episode. Literally nothing but spoilers for Halt and Catch Fire 4x08 below.

For me, there were a few different key, big deal things that really stood out to me about this episode. All of them are more than worthy of their own full-length post, but I'll address them here as succinctly as I can:

The Flashback scenes. I probably literally will not be able to list all the reasons why the early scenes from Donna and Gordon's marriage worked for me, but I'll try. They bring a different, more vibrant drama to what otherwise would've been a relatively quiet, elegiac hour of tv, which is amazing considering that we knew Gordon would return to Donna and Joanie. The flashbacks force us to remember that Gordon wasn't a great husband, and that he and Donna had real problems, and their argument is such a fitting prequel to season 1. Gordon is characteristically, annoyingly, and depressingly right about why they absolutely should not move back to Texas or let Donna's parents any further into their marriage! But Donna is just as right about why they, or really she, needs more help. To me, that's the most effective and striking thing about the flashbacks: the heartbreaking contrast between Donna and Gordon in 1976, and Donna in 1994. In 1994, Donna seems so alone without Gordon, but she has help, she and her girls has some kind of support. In 1976, she had Gordon, but they didn't have anyone else, and it's presumably why they cut their losses and moved back to Dallas. Gordon's return and recommittment to Donna is so well done that it takes no effort to imagine Donna shortly thereafter making a sort of inverse of the list of demands she made in 2x10, and also the first version of her 'you partner with me in this family' speech from the pilot: we move to Dallas, we let my parents help, we let them buy us a house, that is how we stick together. In her defense, it's also very easy to imagine Donna's mother nudging her into making said demands. The whole thing is a beautiful and miserable depiction of two people who were never going to make it work, for so many reasons, but who tried so, SO fucking hard.

The grief. It isn't surprising to me that Halt got this so right, and I'm glad that they spent nearly an entire episode on going through Gordon's things, because in this garbage c*pitalist, anti-feelings society we don't get to talk about that process or how difficult it is anywhere near enough. Everyone is in a sort of fog, feeling sad and overwhelmed and numb at the same time, and just trying to get through it, because what else can you do? There's always at least one person who is angry and who copes by picking fights and being 'overly' honest about how things really were, like Joanie. And there's always at least one person who can't seem to find any chill or numbness, who is jumpy and freaked out and who struggles and makes 'too' big a deal about everything, like J*e does in this hour. But everyone is there, and they're all grappling with the same thing, this sudden hole in their life that they can't patch. The loss means something different to everyone there, but everyone knows it's a loss shared by the entire group. They spend the day working together to clean out Gordon's house, some of them retrieving their own things, some of them preparing the deceased's things for their next destination. They grapple with the brevity, loneliness, and fragility of their own lives, and they talk about Gordon, and they laugh and then they cry. And then eventually, they all sit down together, exhausted, and they eat together at Gordon's dining room table. Because again, what else can you do?

The CamDonna. So, to be real: I don't think it was necessary to make us wait all the way until the next to last episode for Donna and Cameron's reconciliation, and no, I don't think that there's anything even remotely poignant about the brorunners torturing these two women characters and then hurting them more by taking one of their few friends away from both of them, just to put them back together for the finale. I wouldn't go so far as to say it's 'too little too late', but damn if it doesn't feel, in some ways, like so little, so freaking late. AT THE SAME TIME: if this is all the CamDonna reunion we're gonna get, at least it was good. It didn't track with my experiences with grief -- a death will deepen long-term personal rifts more often than it will magically heal them -- but it was still welcome and long overdue. Cameron goes out of her way to help Donna deal with Joanie, Donna finally tells Cameron that she finished Pilgrim and it quickly gets awkward when Donna tries to apologize for telling Cameron to stay out of her life, and then again when Donna talks about how good J*e is with her kids (……), but then they finally really talk when Donna performs the timeless Mom task of letting her know that dinner is ready. They bond over both their loss and how aggravating and demoralizing it is to be asked 'how are you doing' when you're in the middle of a life-altering trauma, and then over how that trauma changes your relationships. And yeah, it might feel a little bit prestige-y, but when Cameron and Donna talk about Gordon and how much they miss him, and what he meant to them, they're also talking about each other. You feel it the most at the end of their conversation, when Donna says she spent so much time telling Gordon everything he did wrong. They're finally in the same frame for the first time since early season 3, and they cry together, but when Cameron supplies a perfect and very in-character response, "He did a ton wrong," they finally laugh together. For a moment, you almost forget that they're talking about Donna's relationship with Gordon.

But there's the other thing. Um, not to be a douche but, did anyone else find themselves wondering, are we seriously all crying over Gordon, right now? That's not a question for viewers though, because of course we're responding to this glorious and cathartic piece of filmmaking by crying about Gordon, because that was the intended impact. No, this is a question for the showrunners: why Gordon, when he's actually been an incredibly unlikeable character for the whole goddamn series? Why, in season 4, does he suddenly become this beloved family man, and the character who connects everyone? (Yes, even this season, in which he still wasn't a great partner to Donna, and in which his personal life flourished while the showrunners put hers through a friggen meat grinder.) Why do Gordon (and also J*e…) get these huge, season-long redemptive arcs? While Cameron and Donna get nothing but like, suffering? Lol jk  DON'T answer, I KNOW why. (No, literally, don't answer, I don't need any of this explained to me, I'm good, thanks!) Again, it's not necessary or inherently poignant but if we had to put up with this storyline, well. At least it was executed impeccably, and we got a brilliant episode out of it, with great scenes with Donna, Cameron, Katie and the girls.

But now, we're down to the finale. We've got two hours of show left, in which anything and everything can happen, dog help us. Gordon's story has come to an end, and that's sort of what the last scene is about, right? He went over the cliff and he went all in, and he lived his life, mostly with Donna. Prayer circle that the rest of our characters will get a generous conclusion to their stories!

[offbeatmusicuk]

Albums Of 2019

Here we go again. Another pretty strong year. Full disclosure I haven’t had as much time to listen to these albums this year as usual so my mind may be changed (possibly immediately) but here’s my list as it stands at the mo.

Before that though... an honourable mention of an album which I decided wasn’t eligible for the list because technically it’s a soundtrack album, even though it sounds like a new album from the band, and a strong addition to their discography....

Biffy Clyro  “Balance, Not Symmetry”

And now the bonus 30 albums that didn’t quite make the top 50 but couldn’t go unmentioned.

Lindsay Schoolcraft / Sigrid / Talla 2XLC / Ladytron / The Anix / While She Sleeps / Calva Louise / HANA / Ivy Crown / Lacuna Coil / Hante. / Puppy / Stanton Warriors / Moonlight Haze / Perfect Son

Idiot Pilot / Port Noir / Above & Beyond / Eat Your Heart Out / Potty Mouth / Lupa J / Papa Roach / Starkill / IAMWARFACE / The Anix / MC Lars & Mega Ran / Snow Ghosts / J Majik / Estiva / GIRLI

And now the big five-oh

50.

Dinosaur Pile-Up  “Celebrity Mansions”

Dinosaur Pile-Up have been gaining praise for their 4th album, and it’s not hard to see why. Spikey, catchy rock and punk, about touring the USA, some sounding like Foo Fighters’ heavier moments. Fun stuff.

49. Foals  “Everything Not Saved Will Be Lost Part 1″

The experimental indie band released 2 albums in 2019, both parts of the same project, and though Part 2 certainly has merit, and a few cracking tracks, Part 1 is the more consistent, full of varied and surprising music.

48. Forever Still  “Breathe In Colours”

The Danish hard rockers fronted by Maja Shining, deliver their 2nd album of aggressive, melodic rock and alternative metal.

https://foreverstill.bandcamp.com/album/breathe-in-colours

47. Cold Kingdom  “Into The Black Sky”

Debut album from the Minneapolis hard rockers, their first release with new singer Elissa Pearson.

https://coldkingdom.bandcamp.com/album/into-the-black-sky

46. Hatchie  “Keepsake”

Aussie Hatchie brings us her debut album of shoegaze-y, shimmery, dreamy, electronic indie-pop. One to float away with.

https://hatchie.bandcamp.com/album/keepsake

45. UNKLE  “The Road Part II / Lost Highway”

A serious case of double album syndrome with this one. Disc 1, aside from a weak cover of a terrible song as its last track, is absolutely amazing, and if it was released like that it would be top 10 for sure. But the whole thing has to be considered and disc 2, though far from bad, is just a bit dull, especially comparatively.

44. Doll Skin  “Love Is Dead And We Killed Her”

The ladies from Phoenix are back with their new album, once again a great collection of catchy, upbeat, alternative rock and punk. 

43.

Only Shadows  “Brothers”

Epic, catchy indie rock. They are very American sounding but they come from Nuneaton. Good stuff though.

42. Driftmoon  “Remember The Night”

Though it is a live recording of a DJ set, Driftmoon insists that this is his third artist album. Fair enough - it is all his music, though there are many collabs and his remix of John O’Callaghan & Audrey Gallagher’s classic “Big Sky”, but aside from an instrumental version of a track that featured on his last album “Invictus” it’s all previously unreleased. He wanted to switch it up and make the ‘live performance’ the first way these tracks were heard. And like many a DJ set, more often than an album, the biggest and best tracks are in the last third of the album, and there are some mammoth tunes here.

41.

The High Priest  “Dream American”

Formerly of excellent bands Diphonia, Global Police Force and Dark Science, The High Priest continues his solo journey with his new album. And it’s a good ‘un. His website describes it best - “Dark brooding sonic rock music and atmospheric soundscapes”. Class.

40. Feeder  “Tallulah”

Feeder’s tenth album continues their run of quality records. It’s no wild departure, but you’ll like it if you’re a fan. “Fear Of Flying” stands up against many of their classic tunes.

39. Furious Monkey House  “Love, Scum & Dust”

Spanish indie-rock young-uns Furious Monkey House release their 2nd album. And it’s an excellent collection of catchy upbeat tunes, mostly in English but with some native Spanish in there too. Great stuff.

38. Nemesea  “White Flag”

5th album from the Dutch band. They’ve moved through symphonic metal and gothic rock in their career, and this album includes a handful of the best songs they’ve ever done. 

https://nemesea.bandcamp.com/album/white-flag

37. Fever 333  “Strength In Numb333rs”

Agressive rap-metal, with massive riffs and huge melodic choruses. Touches of electronics and Trap are dotted throughout.  Sounds like the middle ground between Rage Against The Machine and early Linkin Park. 

36.

The Dark Element  “Songs The Night Sings”

Former Nightwish vocalist Anette Olzon and her Dark Element partner Jani Liimatainen deliver their second album, and it’s another quality, catchy collection of symphonic metal tunes.

35. New Years Day  “Unbreakable”

Huge, jittery riffage, paired with pop style songwriting and melodies, with powerful vocals. Reminiscent of “Blood” era In This Moment, but less sleazy.

34. Blood Red Shoes  “Get Tragic”

Blood Red Shoes bring a new sound with their 5th album. More electronic, almost synth-pop, but still with a rock band at the core. Some of their most original and catchy tunes yet are included here.

33. Maraton  “Meta”

The Bandcamp page describes this album perfectly - “MARATON pushes the boundaries between pop music and progressive rock, mixing machine like drums and roaring bass groundwork with shimmering guitars, ethereal keys and sacral vocal performance. The band has sought to create a style of music which combines the rhythmic heaviness from bands such as Mars Volta with the pop aesthetics of Muse.”  Check them out.

https://maratonofnorway.bandcamp.com/releases

32. Ankor  “White Dragon”

Accessible metal with a prog sensibility, the melodies are catchy, but musically it will keep you guessing throughout.

31.

Liquid  “Spacemonkey”

Old school hardcore rave stylings from scene legend Liquid on his 3rd artist album. A breakbeat bounty.

30. As December Falls  “As December Falls”

Straight to the point, catchy pop-punk from this Nottingham four-piece on their debut album. Fans of early Paramore, early Tonight Alive or We Are The In Crowd etc would do well to check this lot out.

29. Blink-182  “Nine”

2016′s “California”, the first album to feature Alkaline Trio’s Matt Skiba replacing original member Tom DeLonge, was a huge return to form for the band, and “Nine” continues the revitalised Blink with another massive collection of pop-punk tunes. They broaden their sound palette here too with sampled drum loops and heavier riffs in places.

28. Rebecca Lou  “Bleed”

There’s a shoegaze-esque vibe to the production on this collection of raw, catchy, rock ‘n’ roll tunes from Denmark, and it gives just the edge of uniqueness that makes this album special.

https://rebeccalou.bandcamp.com/album/bleed

27. Sleep Token  “Sundowning”

On paper Sleep Token, a mysterious, masked unit of unnamed musicians, who worship an ancient deity called “Sleep”, would make you think they made incredibly sinister black or doom metal. But that isn’t the case. There is a metal heaviness and some mountainous riffs, but only in parts - often kicking in as songs build to their climax. For the most part though they are bewitching soundscapes, often minimal, with huge melodic vocals, and electronic touches. Worship.

26. Within Temptation  “Resist”

Less orchestras, more electronic touches and more influence from other styles of modern music, but still unmistakably a Within Temptation album, “Resist” brings the band back from the brink after some serious writers’ block almost ended them. Bombastic and revitalised.

25. Solarstone  “...--”

The final part of Solarstone’s “One” album trilogy is once again an epic journey through his ‘pure trance’ sound.

24. We Are The Catalyst  “Ephemeral”

Third album from the alternative-metal Swedes, full of huge choruses. Fans of accessible metal with melodic female vocals should check this out.

https://watcofficial.bandcamp.com/album/ephemeral

23. Lamb  “The Secret Of Letting Go”

Five years on from their last, Lamb unleash their 7th album. Ethereal, magical, and special, as they do so well.

22. Polynation  “Igneous”

A cinematic, sweeping, atmospheric album, blending many facets of dance music, ambient, techno, IDM. A wordless, groove laden, goosebump inducing journey.

21. Grum  “Deep State”

Grum’s much delayed second album finally lands on Anjunabeats. It’s a kinetic mix of sounds incorporating trance, progressive and deep house elements, and creates some huge anthems. In particular the incredible “Stay”.

20. False Advertising  “Brainfreeze”

Mancunian grunge / noise-pop trio deliver a fizzing album of 90s influenced rock. Cracking, energetic tunes throughout.

https://falseadvertising.bandcamp.com/album/brainfreeze

19. Cold Blue  “Winter”

Slowly but surely building his status and honing his craft over the last decade or so, and in recent years gaining a reputation as one of the best producers in the trance scene, German Tobias Schuh finally unleashes his debut album. It is an epic, progressive journey through uplifting trance, slowly building and revealing its treasures, avoiding being too formulaic and predictable. One to get lost in.

18. R+  “The Last Summer”

Rollo returns, with a little help from his sister Dido, and long time production partner and Faithless teammate Sister Bliss, giving us a blissful, Balearic sounding album. The whole thing sounds like a love letter to Ibiza. Lovely. 

17. Pumarosa  “Devastation”

Pumarosa deliver their moody second album. A bit more electronic (with elements of trip-hop and drum & bass seeping in), a bit darker, still brilliantly adventurous. A very exciting band.

16. Luttrell  “Into Clouds”

I’ve been following Eric Luttrell’s superb, progressive blend of deep house and melodic techno for a couple of years, and now he unleashes his debut album. It doesn’t disappoint. Widescreen, beautiful, upbeat, catchy and excellently produced.

15. The Beautiful Monument  “I’m The Reaper”

The Aussie quartet deliver their second impressive long player. Huge riffs, huge drums, huge melodies, in their blend of post-hardcore, pop-punk and metal.

https://tbmofficial.bandcamp.com/album/im-the-reaper

14. The Thrillseekers present Hydra  “Altered State”

Despite releasing his first music in 1999, and releasing a steady stream of singles since, Steve Helstrip only delivered his debut album as The Thrillseekers in 2016. For this, his 2nd opus, he's decided to release under his Hydra alias. And what a beauty it is. Mostly instrumental, apart from a new reworking of The Thrillseekers classic "The Last Time" with vocals from Fisher, it is a masterclass in sublime, chilled, Balearic trance. Reminiscent of the first couple of Chicane albums, and makes you feel like you are blissed out on a beautiful, sunny beach.

https://thethrillseekers.bandcamp.com/album/altered-state

13. Jimmy Eat World  “Surviving”

"Surviving" is Jimmy Eat World's 10th album. There are little touches of an expansion to their sound, but if you are familiar with their brand of American rock, then you'll know pretty much what to expect. This is undoubtedly a Jimmy Eat World album. It is, however, a very, very good one. One of the strongest they've ever done in my opinion, probably only with "Bleed American" as any kind of competition.

12. Age Of Rampage  “Empire City”

Age Of Rampage deliver a plethora of breakbeat stompers on their debut album. Their love for acts like The Prodigy would be evident even without the first track sampling a Keith Flint interview, but the old school is delivered with relish here. If you love 90s breakbeat acts such as The Prodigy, The Chemical Brothers, The Crystal Method, Freestylers etc, this is a very worthy listen. Such a shame Russian breakbeat label Criminal Tribe don't do physical releases.

https://criminaltribeltd.bandcamp.com/album/age-of-rampage-empire-city-ctr035-18032019

11. Hands Off Gretel  “I Want The World”

Hands Off Gretel are an effervescent blend of punk and grunge, led by the fierce Lauren Tate. A love of 90s rock is evident. "I Want The World", their 2nd album, is packed full of killer tunes.

10. Dido  “Still On My Mind”

I’ve loved Dido’s voice since the early days of Faithless, so when she started releasing her own music I’ve always liked it to varying degrees (loved some of it, some of it a bit meh). This is her best album since “No Angel” in my opinion. It’s chilled, ethereal, and rather beautiful, and has been one of my most listened to albums in 2019. The title track is absolutely one of my favourite tracks of the year. I’m surprised it is top 10, but it had to be.

9. Wislov  “Madness From Paradise”

Kniteforce Records and their sister labels have been a driving force in the old-school hardcore (or ‘rave’ as many early 90s compilations would call it) revival. Most of their releases are new music, just done in the old style, with fresh touches. Wislov is one of, if not the, greatest talent in this scene, and after a bunch of EPs and a slew of great tunes, this debut album is unleashed. And it’s a cracker. If you love that old-school sound you will find much to love here.

8. HÆLOS  “Any Random Kindness”

Mesmerising, utterly beautiful, electronic tunes, with lush vocals. Picking up where their 2016 debut album “Full Circle” left off, but stepping up a notch. There is a heavy rave influence, but this is definitely made for the post-party, the comedown, the chill out time, the blissed out euphoria after the full on euphoria. Every time I hear this album I discover something new, and love it more. Wonderful.

7. Yonaka  “Don’t Wait ‘Til Tomorrow”

Yonaka may veer to the poppier end of alternative-rock, but they know how to write a hell of a tune. Many of them in fact. 11 feature here on their debut album, released after a string of quality EPs and singles got them some exposure over the last couple of years. Hooks aplenty, huge choruses, riffs and electronics.

6. Anavae  “45″

Fans of Anavae have been waiting a long time for this. The debut album many thought may never come. 8 years on from their debut single and 7 years after their debut EP “Into The Aether”, and following a bunch of EPs and singles in the interim, it is finally here. And I’m sure very few will be left disappointed. Rebecca Need-Menear and Jamie Finch deliver a typically varied alternative-rock album, veering at times into poppier territory, and others into moody trip-hop-esque tracks. Other times they stick to simple, yet epic, rock tunes like on the massive “High”. If you don’t know this band, check them out.

5. Dream State  “Primrose Path”

Dream State progress in sound and technical ability with each release. From 2015′s debut EP “Consequences”, through last year’s excellent “Recovery” EP to this, their debut album. And it’s a pretty epic affair. Chunky riffs, pounding drumming, powerful vocals (both in aggressive and melodic turns from CJ Gilpin) with a massive, widescreen feel to the production. The Welsh 4-piece are often classed as post-hardcore, but that is far too limiting a description for a band with such obvious ambition. Class.

4. Machineheart  “People Change”

Lush, shimmery, ethereal alt pop from this L.A. quartet fronted by the fabulous vocals of Stevie Scott. A cracking album from start to finish but a particular mention goes to upbeat (almost breakbeat styled) track "Overgrown" which is one of the best tracks I've heard all year. If you like bands like London Grammar or HÆLOS, give this album a spin.

3. Black Futures  “Never Not Nothing”

Black Futures are a genre meshing riot. They've been called "Anarchic Electro Psych Punk Noise", "industrial noise-punk" and label themselves as "Future Punk". They have the sensibilities of a punk band and a dance band simultaneously. There's Bobby Gillespie from Primal Scream guesting, as is rapper P.O.S. More than once have they been described as a mix of Death From Above 1979 & The Chemical Brothers. It's a future party, a post-apocalyptic riot. Give it a listen.

2. Dallas Kalevala  “Dallas Kalevala”

Dallas Kalevala hail from Finland and have been called fierce subarctic pop music. Whether they called themselves this I'm not sure. What it sounds like to me is a brilliant, varied pop album, slightly camp, with fantastic electronic production and some full on pounding dance beats. 9 brilliantly written tracks, that all sound different, but somehow sound like they come from the same band and belong together. There is a feeling Dallas Kalevala would be somewhat polarising.  There's no way they'll be everyone's cup of tea (which suggests they are doing something right), but those that get them will love them a whole lot.

1. The Chemical Brothers  “No Geography”

To make their 9th album The Chemical Brothers returned to the equipment they used to make their first two albums. And though "No Geography" doesn't sound like "Exit Planet Dust" or "Dig Your Own Hole", it feels like them. Consequently it is arguably their best album since them, but it is definitely their best since 2002's "Come With Us". It feels a bit old school, but also fresh and new. Tracks flow into each other seamlessly making the album feel like a complete body of work rather than a collection of tracks, and it is utterly brilliant throughout. Joyous.

Well there you go. I’ll leave you with the following, for your listening pleasure:

Spotify playlist - a countdown of the top 50 (50-1), minus a couple of things that aren’t on Spotify.

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/05F3PPwKO7NkwpD4eTJBiP?si=O8bO2JYDSqa3Kz-SzQ8D4Q

And a YouTube playlist counting down 50-1, but a completely different tracklist to the Spotify playlist (and different vids for the top 5 than are embedded here).

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLSWMYBJKcPo0tJGbPDFw8QAdZlb1BWj3H

[im0nwpa-blog]

Probably the Best Sex of My Life

Wow. Alright, about 4 months ago I got out of an almost 4 year relationship that was.... well bad. Both of us got out of control and it was mutually abusive (DRUGS ARE BAD). Anyway, it finally ends.

Now, I am pretty timid. It takes a while to open up to new people and I don't really do large gatherings. Unless it's something nerdy like Magic the Gathering night or a LAN party, because I am a) a nerd and b) kind of... lived more than the average comic book shop denizen. Without going too deeply into the way overthought philosophy I have created: I am a hedonist and pursue pleasure, and in order to know if something is pleasurable you have to do it, so if it is safe - or consequences acceptable - then I'm game to at least try. This isnt something I broadcast too heavily, but I do find myself frequently in interesting situations while pursuing pleasure with innately poor autonomy.

It was at one such gathering for MTG Night that I met a girl we'll call Tess about 5 years ago. Something about a combination of huggy bombs, this girl totally fitting my type, and boosted confidence because of the environment I made a total fool of myself because I am terrible as a "pickup artist" of any kind. I dont really know how I've gotten with most women I've been with, it always kind of just happens (or lets be realistic, I had drugs and/or money, low standards, and an addiction to sex).

To describe Tess, she is very thin and tone with small perky breasts, brunette hair, a constantly sing song voice, and an incredibly lovable personality. Very much so a rural, Christian girl who loves her kin and prays before bed, but stills gets down because there isnt much else to do and Jesus forgives. A innocence seemingly beautiful in its purity that I can never help but wanting to show the other side. At least I thought.

Obviously she me down that night, but was really cool about it. We remained friends and humg out/smoked pot from time to time. As our comfort grew, we both became more open about more personal aspects of our life. Mostly that Tess loved sex and had a diversity of partners. I think half of it was an attempt to get my ex gf to dump me. In retrospect it would have made my life easier but thats life: theres a low for every high.

Flash forward to about 2 months ago. Tess wants to fuck a guy with a strapon. She really liked fingering a guy, now she wants to fuck one. Uncharacteristically, I saw I'm down. Fresh out of a relationship, curious, so why not. We still havent ordered the strap, but I think Tiff kind of assumed I was joking.

It comes up a few times, but still no real plan or action. And then last night happened. I get a message around 9pm:

Tess> You should come pick me up at midnight.. we'll go hang out at your trailer for like an hour.

Im0> I can prolly swing that :p

Tess> Be here at midnight!

I picked Tess up from her gas station job. We both admitted we were nervous. I told her this was probably going to be embarassing as I hadn't been laid in a while.

I should note here that for a while I have called my friend Tess a slut. Because she is and that's awesome. If there's informed consent from all parties you do you homegirl, men don't get shamed so women shouldn't either: own that fucking word. We aren't entirely PC people.

We arrived at the trailer and smoked a J to calm down, and it was a little awkward at first, but very quickly we fell into a groove. I had wanted to do this for years. This woman, in my mind gorgeous. I may have had an trusive fantasy or two. All I can say is somehow the fantasy couldn't touch reality.

She laid down on the bed and I awkwardly started teasingly asking her questions running my hand up and down her petite frame as I began teasing and nibbling her neck. She immediately let out a little moan and pushed her hips into me. I teased her, asking if she had been fantasizing about this to which she replied with a coy maybe.

I lifted up her shirt a little and kissed around her tight stomach, making sure to gently graze her panty line. Slowly I pulled down her leggings and underwear another moan escaped her lips.

I let my hands run up and down her long tan legs.i continued my nibbling and kissing on her inner thigh. Her back arched and she tried to shove her pussy toward my face. I sat up, pulling away from her already very wet pussy.

I scooped her up to me and took off her shirt and kept up my assault of nibbles and kisses. She could stop grinding against my leg.

Tess likes dirty talk, I knew this from her stories. I have some experience as a switch. I played with her nipples while commenting on how she was even sexier than I imagined. Her reply was a moan and arching of the back.

"You really like it when I say you're a slut, huh?" Her moans and increased breathimg tell me she does. "You are so fucking wet. I could get you to do anything right now, couldn't I slut?" Among the moans I hear a distinct "MHMM".

I finally make one last teasing run from her neck down. I tried to touch every bit of skin with my lips and tongue. Finally all that is left is her clit. I gently swirled my tongue around it and took it into my mouth and ever so gently suckled. Instantly she was bucking and moaning, loudly! Looking up from between her legs, her dripping pussy soaking my chin, and she came. I suckled just a few seconds longer before sitting up:

"That was so fucking hot. You really are a slut, your pussy soaked my face."

Her response was to pull me down to her, begin sucking on my neck while wrapping her legs around me and wildly humping me.

"Do you want me inside you?"

She let out an exasperated "Yes!"

"Not yet!" I said with a grin. I pushed her hands down and again began sucking on her swolen clit. Teasingly I worked a finger inside of her pussy. Even as turned on as she was, she was very tight. I rubbed those little ridges that are on the "top" and sucked on her clit.

Now I fucking love giving orgasms, and like to think I am a quick study. This girl came so rapidly and so many times I can't really describe it. There was already a wet spot forming on the bed when I finally asked, "Well, wanna see if my dick really is thick, my slave."

She could barely manage a "Yes," in between moans.

"Then beg for my dick slave Tess. Tell me exactly where you want it."

I slipped off my shorts as she breathlessly begged for me to shove my dick into her slut pussy. After watching her buck and squirm and beg to my satisfaction I slowly slid my remarkably averagr cock into the tightest pussy I have ever felt. Every time she orgasmed, which was seemingly with every stroke, shed slam our hips together and shake as her pussy clamped down on my dick. Wel alternated myself on top, sitting, and her on top.

I was in awe of how sexy she was. When I let out a growl she immediately pulled me down on her and squeezed mh dick in her velvet vise.

"Do you like my growling?"

She couldnt halt the moans, but she could nod her head yes while it was buried in my shoulder. Her mouth biting hard trying to suppress one of those super loud moans.

"You can be as loud as you want here, slut. Its kind of cute how you sound like wounded prey, whimpering and breathing so fast."

I slid my hand up to her neck, not doing a blood choke but still firmly placed. I whispered in her ear, "You're my toy now," and let out long low growl and started fucking her hard and fast, slowly gripping the sides of her throat.

This is when something I've always wanted to happen did. She squirted. This has always been a kink of mine. I stopped dead and she kept bucking up, slamming me into her and just shrieking. I began to feel the signs of cumming so I stopped and pulled out. Her hips continued to buck hopelessly.

"Do you swallow, Tess?"

"I can," she replied breathlessly.

"Good," I said as I laid back, "I want you to suck all of your pussy juice off my dick slutslave."

She eagerly complied and toom my whole cock into her mouth. It hardly fit (small mouth) but somehow she managed to cause a ripling sensation along the whole thing. I made her look me in the eye while she sucked my dick.

I spun her around eager to taste her pussy again while she sucked my cock. I noted how her juices dripped from her pussy. I gently pushed against her mouth making my cock go just a little further down her throat and told her how her pussy was dripping. I took her clit into my mouth and buried my face into that warm, wet cave. She had been opened up by my dick, but her legs immediately began to shake. I suck on her clits while running my nails dowm her back and burying my nose in her pussy. My entire face was absoluter covered in her juices when she began to shake and squirted again all over my face.

She began working her tongue around the head of my dick and I experienced a sensation I never have before. The intense pleasure of orgasm with no ejaculation. She kept me in that wonderful state for what seemed like forever before climbing on top of me, looking me dead in the eye and desperately saying, "I need your cum. Now, please."

There was a look of true desperation in her eyes. We were both totally out of breath and covered in all manner of nodily fluids. She rode my dick like a woman possessed. Even now every 7 or 8 thrusts I'd feel that clamping and she'd shove my dick deeper into her to keep it from being forced out.

Now, I kind of have a creampie/preg risk fetish. Newly discovered in the last year. We had agreed I would pull out, but at this point she was just begging me to cum, so I asked where she wanted me to.

She responded breathlessly, "Anywhere." And begind grinding me faster and even harder. I was in ecstasy. She was bucking me so hard and screaming as she came over and over again.

"God I'd love to fill your tight littlr slave pussy with cum."

Another blast of wetness meant that she had just squirted at the thought of me filling her pussy with cum. She collapsed on top of me, totally exhausted.

"Let's get you a drink, and I want to bend you over the couch."

She got up in an almost mesmerized daze and walked the hall. I am reasonably certain this is when she hit subspace. She took a few drinks of water and without being told bent herself ovet the side of the couch.

"Do you really want me to fill you pussy with my cum?" I asked as I lifter her ass up and slide my dick back into her pussy. She whimpered and pushed me deeper into her.

Coming Next Part 2!

[ber-bonfamille-lyons]

RP Questionnaire

in which lauryl rambles about all things rp (tw for incomplete sentences, odd punctuation, etc.)

Name: Lauryl Characters: leave me alone (ber, kiara, hades, mel, chester, milla, milo, nala, kiki, prince, pongo/paul, anita) Pick a thread from the past six months that you’re proud of and talk about why.

The Journey of Kiki Takayama: I loved this thread because it highlighted my bby Kiki! I’m really proud of Kiki’s character and her journey, both literal in this case and in the development~ way. I’ve been really poking at Kiki’s self-esteem issues, her pervasive depression, and I think this thread really brings a lot of those threads, and other threads, together. Like, the fact she brings Howl back to her by singing and dancing with the earworm she’d made for Patty (this sentence is nonsense to anyone who doesn’t know what I’m talking about). Like, that felt so natural to me-- that I could use her friendship with Patty, her earworwm thread with Hiro, and her history with Howl dancin’ to karaoke, to produce what I thought was this really silly-yet-serious-and-kinda-beautiful moment. To me, it was just very dynamic, and I’m proud.

Chester’s arc: I’m also really proud that I finally got to PULL THIS OFF AFTER SO LONG. I loved the pace of it overall, and Chloe really provided a lot of emotional depth by bringing Mitte along. Even though these two are ridiculous and full of hijinks, that question “What do these two mean to each other?” still followed them from para to para. And Mitte’s loyalty to Chester (or to chaos) has really solidified this strange friendship and helped launch the second part of this plot. Thus, this arc ran the gamut: light and ridiculous, serious and dark, tragic and comic.

Identify a challenge you’ve faced in this rp. Reflect on why this is a challenge for you. Are there any strategies you can develop to overcome this challenge?

Taking on too much hahahha: this is definitely my biggest challenge and even extends to the outside writing that I do. I’m an Idea Man. I’m a conceptual, out of the box, daydreamer-of-an-rper, who develops everything like, very top down, very chronic-plot-heavy, very BIG STAKES!! So usually every character has a Big Arc and I get really excited about these very big plots-- annnnnd then i have 13 very big plots and no way to balance them all along with all the plots i want to get involved in with the REST of the rp that kinda fall into my lap and i’m like omfg ahhhhhh.

What happens naturally is I prioritize characters over others. Ber, Hades, and Mel are my big kahunas who i do the most with. Chester’s gotten his time in the sunshine finally, god bless, and to a good extent, Kiki too. And Rajah got a lot of good stuff. But there are some babies that I haven’t done a lot of those Big things for. Milo for example lawd, MILO. I finally have this mummy plot but i’ve been trying to do more cave/merlin stuff for over a year now. I also wanna do so much MORE with Prince and with Nala and Paul, but they always get pushed to the side. Even the characters that I do more with get pushed to the side-- hi Hades !!

So how do I fix this? I mean, I can really prioritize, I can create schedules and hard deadlines that map out my plots for myself and keep me on track….buuuut if we’re honest rp is a collaborative hobby and hard deadlines are often soft, malleable deadlines.

I can also just, not plan as much and focus on more acute plots. Or: not have as many characters.

Gasp.

I know, someone needed to say it though. Also I could be a total hypocrite on this point because as we speak I have little plot seedlings growing jungles in my head. But something’s got to give. And so this is not a very clear answer but I think it’s sort of a combination of me being serious with my deadlines (or at least structure out plots the way we are doing on this questionnaire) instead of keeping all those Big big big plots in my head. I can also do less threads. The other part? Finishing off character’s arcs and letting them go, my darlings, so I can free up a lil more space for others. I did that with Rajah recently because I’d accomplished the biggest goals I had for him and soon I’ll be letting go of Chester and Milla too for the same reasons-- I’m closing up their stories. Course, I’ll probably pick up NEW characters like the hypocrite I am, but the point is: it’s good to know when to let your babies go, and I want to be the first person to encourage people to see their characters through to whatever end there is. 

Pick one of your characters and talk about their growth (we recommend choosing an older character, but it’s up to you! ) What about their story has surprised you? What are you proud of? How have they changed from their original inception to now?

Milla: When I first got Milla, I wanted a capital-v Villain and I wanted to use her for plot purposes mostly. I was fine with just being a tool in other people’s plots in other words, and I didn’t expect Milla to go anywhere. But Milla has surprised me, and it’s all due to the people who have drawn out new sides of Milla that I only suspected lay dormant. I love that I have both my daughters and an Ella (and gosh, I love that Bee was up for having Ella have this contentious relationship with Milla that was out of the house but still very much a “trap” of sorts, just a more modern day trap, ala money). I love her deliciously evil relationship with Taka.  I love that she’s gotten to be a lawyer for Gaston and other villains. I love that she’s become this dominatrix character with Flynn.  She’s still very set in her ways now, but finding how she became set in those ways through these interactions is some of the most interesting, different RPing I get to do. I love that how she twists her definition of mother on its head, I love that she is honestly so weary and lonely, I love that she has accepted a lot of that if only because of her age. I’m really proud of the depth I’ve achieved with her, so much so that I can write a terrible post and fully sympathize with her anyway. In fact...part of me honestly roots for her, and I think that’s how you should wanna feel for your villains, even if, at the end of the day, you know they must be thwarted.

Pick another character and talk a little about where you WANT them to go. What are your plans for them for the rest of the year?

The Great Prince: Eeeee, my son. The Prince has always been a very distinctive voice for me and a much different story than many of my characters. Like Milla, he’s older, and in some ways a lot of his development is in backstory, which involves a fair amount of “uncovering” as I write. But unlike Milla, I fully intend Great Prince to grow and he’s doing so already. He’s blurring the lines between the forest and the town and sort of fully embracing the liminal aspects of his being. Like, yes, he’ll never really be a normal human, but he is still human; and yes, he might not be a true animal of the forest, but it’s still his home, and he wants to share it with people in a way he’s never really gotten to do.

I’m looking forward to forging stronger relationships with those he has already formed bonds with: Soleil, Bambi, Ella, etc. I would love to get more fairy relationships for him actually because I haven’t done a lot with that though I imagine Prince was raised by the fairies a lot more than he was his Father Prince, so I’d love to explore that dynamic. Send me ur fairies!!

I’m also looking forward to trying to do more forest plotty stuff. Maybe I can do this with Bambi if Bambi ends up embracing his powers more but I could also do this with FAIRIES if I do make more fairy friends!!

I also really want the Prince to start wrestling more concretely with the toxic rules he was raised under. I want him to realize he can change tradition, that the rules he hates don’t have to be the rules. As his relationships develop with key characters, I think the Prince will come in conflict with those rules (or I hope so) rather naturally.

AND finally, wow so long, I see the Prince mourning and letting go of Willow, finally. His memories of her have been the only really good ones in his life, so as he gets more good memories and makes relationships, he’ll be able to put Willow to rest for himself. Maaaaaaaybe, just maybe, he miiiight even let himself fall in love again (and that will help him wrestle with those toxic rules I was just talking about :D) 

IF YOU DID THE LAST QUESTIONNAIRE: Alright, now pick an item from the Wishlist you completed in January that you’ve started to pursue. How far are you from completing this goal? Talk about the steps you took to make it happen.

Well, I made Chester’s entire arc happen! And it’s still kinda happening. It took a LOT of organizing on my part, and I sort of followed the same format as the mock plot included in this questionnaire. I plotted out paras and made sure I knew what partners I had to contact to help me. The London plot was all Mitte/Chloe, so that was very straightforward, though I should note I had to do a lot of one-shot writing because important events took place with just Chester.

Also moving forward, organizing the demon haunting threads has been a real fun challenge, because it’s such a weird animal. I’m lucky to have such enthusiastic partners who are willing to try this strange format with me, so shoutout to Sam who was instrumental in that, and to J and Pet for playing along. Also just Pet and MK in general for doing chatzies with me and staying patient. AND one last shoutout to Marina for freezing Anita’s heart! It’s been really refreshing for me to RP her and I love what it did for the plot overall.  IF YOU DID THE LAST QUESTIONNAIRE: Pick another item on your wishlist that hasn’t happened yet. We’re gonna do a MOCK-PLOT!!!

Great Prince + Forest stuff! Like I mentioned, I’d love to get a sideplot going with some of the forest natives sooo I’m literally pulling this outta my ass, check it:

Great Prince introduces Bambi to the Stone Trolls, during which the Stone Trolls complain about the Gummis

Therefore

Great Prince visits Gummis with Clarion for negotiations

But

Negotiations break down and the Stone Trolls kidnap someone (Soleil, Ella, Bambi) for ransom

Therefore

The Prince asks Goliath for help on a rescue mission.

This is the most hilarious plot if only bc the gummis are a thing that exist.

Finally: write a NEW wish list for the upcoming half of the year. It’s fine if you use a lot from your previous wish list if you still haven’t completed them and you still want to!

By character:

Mel: 

Explore momma mel-- this will sorta be through threads as I weave this event into Mel’s life. I also think this applies to getting an apprentice-ish figure for Mel which is kinda happening as she “mentors” some young Magicks (Celia, Jim, Ly).

Acknowledge her feelings for Howl and deal with that shit: dark squad is always Really High Magic, so I’d love to take ‘em down with a good ol confession scene or something idk. Or maybe Mel cries to someone else bc she has feelings for someone who can’t love her or idk maybe she goes on a rampage I dunno.

Ber: 

More music reviews. This was from my old list AND I’ve been doing more, so I just want to kinda continue on doing these and up my number mhm.

Produce someone’s music. I rly want Ber to get a partnership with someone sooo!! I’ll be on the look out.

Kiara: 

Date! I actually am here for this idea of Kiara dating Callie and maybe Alice too. Is Callie ok with that?? Idk we’ll see.

Figure out her passion for healthcare and women stuff!!! I think Kiara might end up like a nurse or a social worker related to like women’s healthcare so I dunno I’d like to somehow explore more of those threads, maybe make her do some sort of afterschool program. She’s still finding herself so!! It’s an important year for her coming up.

Hades: 

Uh. Use his fire lmao but rly this is an important goal and lowkey cant say anything more spoilers

Chester: spoilers

Milla: spoilers

Milo: 

Still want him to start looking OUT of Pride U and start thinking about what he really wants for his future.

Buuuut while he’s in Pride U, student stuff! Teacher apprentice?? Tutor?? Idk hit me up

Merlin Objects. Get dat seal in the cave yo

TALK ABOUT ISSUES WITH JANE

Nala: 

Still want Nala to have a one night stand/go on dates c’mon ppl I don’t get to explore romantic Nala a lot.

More female friends 

Kiki: 

Find Jiji, perform ceremony

Discover true nature of her powers, which will lead to ONE OF TWO SCENARIOS:

Embraces her powers

Decides to stop being a witch and go to university instead.

Would still like her to go on a date ok

Anita: 

Explore what a canon dearcliffe looks like????? I don’t know if this will actually happen like when all this shit calms down and Anita is unfrozen maybe Roger will be like bitch bye idk. But it would be interesting to see Anita finally embrace her real feelings and realize that she can be considerate but still assertive, and then get to see how the relationship actually operates after so. much. build-up.

Also I meeeaaaan she’s also been woken up for how BI she is, that’d be interesting to do more with. Especially if it was in the context of a budding relationship with Roger (tbd on that lol)

Would still like to do more art paras (looking at anna and annette for potential help with this-- maybe a louita (friendly) reunion would be nice too

Great Prince:

More forest plot stuff. I have some random ideas floating in my head and so i’d love to introduce the stone trolls i keep mentioning and have great prince share his forest home with ppl (like bambi and ella). Obviously some of this will happen as prince ‘trains’ bambi in his magic. Or I hope so.

Honestly…. Maybe...have him...do stuff...with..pride..u? He really loved being a professor and I could see him get more involved with the magizoology department! Maybe as a guest lecturer at times or he could lead groups of students? IDK we both just loved prof henthorn sooo bring! it! back!

Paul:

Make Paul go on dates. This is leftover from my old one but part of his journey~ involves putting himself back out there. It’s important for Paul to realize he’s not trapped or that being a dad isnt the end of his love life and he can’t really do that with Perdita (sorry Perdy).

Continue fixing his relationship with Perdy. That being said and counterintuitive perhaps to the last point, Paul does care about Perdy and wants to be good friends with her. I’d love some more co-parenting stuff when Perdy gets more comfortable with the babies because I am intrigued by that dynamic since they won’t be dating rn. At least i dont think they will.

UNIVERSITY i have a plan for this i gotta make it happen lol i suck

[ah17hh]

Looking for help in adjusting to poly via /r/polyamory

Looking for help in adjusting to poly

I'm a long time lurker and first-time poster so I may break posting conventions. If this is a rambling mess I apologize.

I'll go into more detail in a second but the gist of the problem is I am a self-conscious mess with an absolutely amazing partner of almost 10 years and they started dating our roommate. I am not okay with this 90% of the time and the other bit I can really see the benefits and how happy it makes my partner.

​

My partner, who we can call J, and I have been together since we were teenagers and I am madly in love with them. However, I have serious issue with my self and never felt really confident in our relationship. I never thought they would cheat on me and I never doubted their honesty. The bigger issue is them realizing they're too good for me. While this all is super obvious to me now, I only seriously got into therapy maybe a year ago.

We started down the poly-path due to my issue. I have a habit of withdrawing when I get into a bad place and it takes a huge toll on J. In order to make sure J wasn't alone or felt abandoned during my next big downswing I proposed polyamory/a thruple. J would have a shoulder to cry on and someone to cuddle without needing to deal with my shit. It felt like the perfect plan and J was really on board. I don't need comments telling me how terrible this was and I set up our relationship up for failure because I know. Oh boy do I know.

It started off pretty well. J started seeing a lady they kinda liked and it made them happy. I even drove J to their house and encouraged them. We talked about their dates, the ups, and the downs. Everything. The relationship didn't work out and that's fine but it felt like a really good trial run. After that, we both kinda just stuck to looking and chatting with people on Tinder (them more so than me). J seemed really into a poly lifestyle but it really isn't my cup of tea. I have entertained the idea of a thruple or a casual relationship for just me but any meaningful just seems exhausting, you know?

Once quartine started, J found a new boyfriend, our roommate. J knew I was against dating our roommate for several reasons. For the sake of honesty, the fact that its another dude bothers me deeply. I think its mostly a replacement thing. If J got a girlfriend then that's a role I cant fill. With this situation, I feel like I'm just a shitty boyfriend that cant take care of my partner.

Another issue I have is J is the only person I've ever slept with or have been any kind of intimate with. When I touch them it just feels so right. J has had a few partners and is physically intimate with their new boyfriend. They tell me that everyone feels different and that we have good sexual chemistry and that no one could replace my cuddles but that's hard for me to believe. "If we're so great why would you need another" is the thought that comes to mind the most.

For their credit, J and their boyfriend are very respectful of my discomfort. J has tried to comfort me and reassure me that I'm their nesting partner and that they want to be with me.

He is also super nice to J (from what I see) and he handles their panic attacks very well. They seem like they both enjoy each other and have good chemistry. I just wish I could be happy about it all the time. J being poly isn't killing me, it's my total inability to like myself and feel like my partner wants me,

I'm not interested in ending the relationship and asking J to be mono for me just feels like asking them to shut out an important part of them.

I guess what I really want is advice and/or words of encouragement. Getting to a place where I can be happy with this situation would make a world of difference for my happiness and in our relationship.

Submitted August 04, 2020 at 08:02AM by NotMattttt via reddit https://ift.tt/2Xt2RpQ

[apostleofsilence]

Chapter two; or, Jesus Christ, so this is still a thing.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

[[AUTHOR NOTE: I made the executive decision to delete most of the old entries. Preface stays. Honestly, though, it is a fitting end to a portion of my life now forever gone to the ravages of too many benzos be represented by a missing chapted. No longer shackled to the words of a dead man, I hope to pull myself out of despair. Gods know I deserve it.]]

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Two and a half fucking years since I started this. I noticed that I got followed by what looks like two real life people. If you ever read this, hiii! I was just gonna delete this churning trainwreck, but since there is a possibility others might see this someday, I shall trudge ever forward. So lets fill in the gaps, or what I remember.

So where we last left our intrepid adventurer, he was staring into the stygian abyss, and while it stared not back, it it gave threat with it's flying blanket elemental. Eesh. Terrible place to leave on a cliffhanger. So, what did happen?

Benzodiazepines, kiddos. Proof that if there is a God, it is a cruel and capricious one indeed. My ultimate salvation, it whispered in my ears, the siren song of modern medicine. It made me complete. And completely an asshole. So the benzos had to go. I was prescribed 6mg of Xanax and 6mg of Kpin. Daily. As is a supply of 90 each every four weeks. If your not familiar, that is a fuckton. Like, an irresponsible dose. I had been getting small caches of .5 xannies, and those were perfect. Shut out the negative thoughts, let my mind drift in peace for awhile. My new shrink, when he found out I expected him to maybe keep up with said dose, his solution was to give me thirty times the benzos I requested. I was leery, but who had the medical degree, amirite?

Well, as a result of this, I have six months worth of mostly empty memories, and the things I do recall were traumatic, to say the least. Maybe in a future chapter, I will discuss the sort of depravity one gets up to when you feel like a God given flesh, and you feel like it too. But for now, we focus on the future.

I lost many good friends. I was a mess. My stepdad, who grew up doing hardcore drugs from the sixties through the mid eighties, told me that he'd never seen anyone as far gone as I was come back through unscathed. Talk like that scares me a bit, because this man wasn't picky about who knew he did them, or whom he did them with.

So, I let go of benzos, willingly. On my terms. I flushed all the xannies, probably had an easy street value of a thousand, likely. Gone. Flushed all but enough of the kpin to parachute down on. Didn't want to quit all that just to die due to a withdrawl-induced grand mal seizure. Figured as much as I had been taking, it probably would've completely fucked up my shit.

I went back to my partner (who had decided that being ftm wasn't really for her, and that her dysphoria was mostly tied to being shamed all her life about her body). I don't think either of us intended it, but there it is. We went back to being friends during my recovery, and we were just so goddamned good together again. Since then, while we have had a touch of turmoil, it hasn't been nearly like it used to be. We are more patient with each other, more open about what we need and want. Like adults. This whole section might be a half-chapter of its own, and definitely a tale for later.

I didn't see another therapist since I got my last one fired for naked malpractice and HIPPA violations. Just another reason not to trust shrinks. Scum, most of them. I had one or two along the way that were worthwhile, but constantly moving homes assured I could never totally and implicitly trust one shrink. I finally saw one on October this year. Two months ago? Yeah. Proud of me, internet? Yeah, me too. My cardiologist is literally the best, he got me in to see this guy as a favor.

Anyway, I've changed cars twice since then. From that shitty Camry to the significantly less shitty 16 year old Acura. Didn't do any driving while I was "waiting to adjust" to those suicide slammers I was prescribed, and continued drinking on. Oh yeah, quit drinking among all that, too. I'm just fucking killing it over here, rockstar style.

But I will resist braggadocia (okay, maybe a little indulgence). But seriously, I couldn't have done it alone. Special thanks go out to A(rhymes with among kinda), J(sorta rhymes with heft), D(definitely rhymes with barrel), D(rhymes with rave, though he's never been), EJ (he would deffo know who he is, no hints needed 😉), and the best pair of male rats I've ever owned. And especially special thanks of epicness +1 to C(whom also rhymes with barrel). My heart of hearts, soul of soul. My sun and stars. Thanks for "getting" me like nobody ever did before. I <3 you.

So, here I am. How am I now? At moments bad, but getting better all the time, I hope. I've become more reclusive. To keep myself from outright agoraphobia, I set up a Dungeons and Dragons group almost as soon as I committed to recovery. Writing helps, and beyond this blog, my pen has been stilled by hopeless thoughts. Except for roleplaying games.

That group has grown and molded from just me, D, J, and C crawling from one outlandish setting to the next in my slapdash, seat of my pants storytelling into a Sunday night movie night, with almost double the cast. Its an even split almost, girls to guys, and we mostly watch bad exploitation flicks and so bad they're good trainwrecks. Somehow, I find contentment from this social arrangement.

Umm, my anxiety in public is worse now. With no benzos, all I got left out there is music, and if I forget my earbuds I wander into the gtocery store, immediately lose focus on my goals, buy the same thing every time (a hastily grabbed pepsi max and a bag of sour bears, my only weakness!), and leave the store. I emerge from my fog as I jostle my keys from my pocket to get into the car, realizing I forgot the cereal, the milk, and the bread. Oh, was I humming again? How long had I been doing it? The same fucking tune, oh you don't say. You're still a wreck of a man, Rev.

So yeah. I'm getting better, but I feel like there is a transparent wall of force between me and normalcy. The ability to work, to start a family. God, how I want that. We both want just one and done. Hope someday I can break through and realize all of these things as reality. For now, I shall dream.

-=-=-=-=-

And with that, I conclude this entry. With luck, I will be bashing out more screeds in the future, now that I have discovered the tumblr app. Thoughts? Questions? Maybe my next post will be an interlude. I need to figure out what the nomenclature for trigger warnings on here. I am totally new to the platform and am aware that there is some manner of acceptable decorum around these here parts.

Baby steps.

And if any of you mentioned above find this, I ask that you keep it to yourself. If you like, I would be happy to one on one you in regards to anything you might be concerned about. Please respect this, this blog is like personal therapy. Thank you.