#but she’s still relatively compassionate towards him’ train this week

[wavesoutbeingtossed]

Good night I’m suddenly thinking again about the Lover era and how Taylor was convinced her career would naturally slow down due to her age and the industry and society and how we’ve all talked about how it seemed like she (and Joe…?) was basing her life and career decisions off that and then instead her career ramped up and that clearly those Plans™️ then… stalled. And that it seems like that… stalling was just killing her inside. 😵‍💫 Because everything she wanted may have hinged on the one set of circumstances (withdrawing from public life and who knows what else) and those circumstances may have been held over her head. 😵‍💫

(And also thinking about how someone’s resentment may have played into that stalling ugh.)

[prurientpuddlejumper]

Hopelessness of Wanting [Part 2]

<- Part 1 | Part 3 ->

Frederick Chilton x Reader

Continuation of an angsty dark fic request. 

Warnings: suicidal thoughts/attempt (I made myself real sad with this one so be warned if you’re vulnerable to negative thinking), NSFW, smut (gender-neutral), unhealthy relationship, depression, neurodivergent reader. Melancholy rambling. 

3,200 words

“Don’t worry about what Dr. Chilton thinks,” Nurse Clerval advised as soon as he was out of earshot. “He’s an asshole.”

“Yeah, but”—you tugged the hem of your scrubs—“He’s right. I keep messing up. I think he hates me.” You stopped there, too ashamed to admit you were the biggest fuck-up on the entire staff, new or not, or that you could tell Dr. Chilton regretted his decision to hire you.

“And the rest of us hate him. Just keep doing your job, learn the ropes—he’ll back off.”

You nodded silently and continued your rounds, delivering meds and checking in on patients. Amy had to be restrained again when she wouldn’t stop biting. Julianne seemed more confused lately, though you hadn’t known any of them long enough to tell what was normal.

Clerval’s words hung over you. It didn’t seem right that everyone hated Dr. Chilton. He was a little brusque, yes, but intelligent. Wickedly sarcastic. Posturing and puffing himself up whenever people he admired came to visit the hospital, and he wanted badly to impress them. Lonely.

Your cheeks heated at the thought of those intense bursts of green under his brow—the first thing you noticed when he conducted your interview. His eyes almost matched the light green scrubs you wore at the hospital you trained in, though the uniform here was white (as if leaning into the One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest vibe.)

But what drew you in wasn’t that his eyes were beautiful—though they were—it was the way they made contact with yours. Staring you down with fake confidence, as if he were forcing it. That stare must have been off-putting to most people, but it made your spirit leap with that particular spark of connection one only feels when finding a kindred spirit.

“Hey! Still sulking? Hurry it up,” Clerval called, jolting you to attention. You trotted after.

It was nice having a mentor on the staff, but at the same time, it just felt like having another person to eventually disappoint.

“Here! What’s next?” you beamed.

***

Dr. Chilton didn’t back off over the next few weeks as Nurse Clerval suggested. The more you thought you were getting the hang of routines at the Baltimore State Hospital for the Criminally Insane, the more mistakes you seemed to make, and the harder its administrator came down on you. And the more the handsome, scarred Dr. Chilton hated you, the more nervous mistakes you made.

In nursing school, you aced everything technical. Every written test. Every memorized statistic, sterilization procedure, medication instruction, and anatomy diagram. But when it came to interacting with patients and families—being compassionate yet professional—nothing came naturally. As a child, you learned how to fake eye contact by staring at the bridge of someone’s nose. How to smile bright and encourage others so they don’t reject you. So they don’t see you as cold or weird. But sometimes, you felt like an alien just parroting human behavior.

The guy you had been dating when you started working at the BSHCI said something similar to you when he broke it off. That you were “unavailable” and never understood what he needed.

There was a reason your first choice job was at a hospital where the only patients were mentally ill murderers.

Dr. Frederick Chilton was the same way. Just better at hiding it, or braver about not caring when his mannerisms rubbed people the wrong way. He didn’t fall apart like you did. He was… incredible. As soon as you met him, you knew you wanted the job. His smile was forced but friendly that first day, and you went home dreaming about getting to know him better.

But as soon as you were hired, the friendliness went out of his eyes. On your very first day, you passed him in the hall and smiled. He frowned and informed you that you were five minutes late clocking in. Everything—every forgotten ID card and typo on a patient file—was proof to Dr. Chilton that you were incompetent.

Worthless.

He even pointed it out when you couldn’t stand up for yourself and let Nurse Clerval defend you.

Pathetic.

Why did you ever think someone like him might like you?

He wasn’t an asshole. The constant reprimanding and disciplinary write-ups were no more than you deserved. It just hurt coming from someone you admired and wished things could be different with.

God, you wished just once he would smile at you again. Tell you that you did a good job.

Your fist hovered over the dark mahogany of the carved doors to Dr. Chilton’s office, poised to knock. To tender your resignation. You hadn’t seen the extravagant interior of his office since your interview, but you could imagine him in there: laying back on the leather couch sipping a Scotch, surrounded by tall shelves of medical books and sculpted wall molding. The air filled with the library smell of old paper.

In your imagination, his cold green eyes would soften, and he would ask why you were leaving. Apologize for being so hard on you. The Chilton in your mind clasped your hand, and you both blushed, wondering if the gesture was merely a show of professional support, or if it held a deeper meaning. He clasped tighter instead of dropping your hand, knowing— understanding—the heat behind your gaze.

A dull thud came from inside the office, followed by footsteps and a muttering voice, muffled through the door. The footsteps started heading your way, and you walked briskly down the hall toward the exit, not looking back when a moment later, the mahogany doors creaked open.

Coward.

There was no point quitting, anyway. You would never find another hospital job as slow-paced, where you rarely had to speak with outsiders—only the regular long-term patient-inmates, and a small staff of orderlies, guards, nurses, and psychiatrists.

Sometimes you thought you should quit nursing altogether, but then what would you do? Flip burgers? You’d be bad at that, too. There was nothing you wouldn’t be a failure at.

A fog hovered over you, creeping its tendrils into every thought, turning every tiny setback into the end of the world, and making every success unimportant. Leaving BSHCI wouldn’t make it better. Nothing would make it better. You were the fuck-up. Anywhere you went, the problem would always be you.

Every smile you gave was forced, but you kept smiling as if everything was normal. So long as nobody could see you drowning, it wasn’t real. There was still hope that you could get your shit together, and no one would be the wiser that you were actually a disgusting piece of human trash. So long as you could smile like you were fine, you weren’t a complete failure.

But the more you pretended to be upbeat—pretended to be someone likable—the more you were certain your coworkers didn’t like you. They must have been sick of covering for you by now.

A week later, the nurse you were replacing grunted, “Finally,” as you sprinted through the door three minutes after your shift started. That one unremarkable interaction was the final proof of a theory you had been nursing for a long time:

Everyone’s lives would be easier without you.

That was the final conclusion, the final, creeping thought the suffocating fog wormed into your head. The crescendo of a distorted symphony that had been subtly building to this from the beginning.

You couldn’t force yourself to smile anymore.

***

You didn’t have authorized access to the medication supply room, but you swiped a key from Dr. Tenley’s office. For a secure facility, the doctors of the Baltimore State Hospital for the Criminally Insane were lax about locking their own offices. She would notice it was missing by Monday morning, and there would be serious repercussions for stealing it, but you weren’t concerned. You wouldn’t be around to face them.

With the high-potency drugs available in a hospital and a working knowledge of pharmacology, ending a life could be quick and relatively painless.

The key clicked in the door. You glanced up and down the hallway to make sure no one was coming. But the coast was clear.

A halfhearted breath puffed from your nose. Part of you wanted to find it funny how easy this was, but you just couldn’t bring yourself to laugh.

You stealthily opened the windowless metal door, stepped inside, and shut and locked it behind you without making a sound. Once inside the small room, you let out a silent sigh of relief (or despair). Only a handful of people had a key, so you were unlikely to be interrupted, especially at night with only a skeleton staff on duty.

There were three rows of tall storage shelves crammed into the walk-in closet with clean tile in the few places wall was exposed. The whir of a climate-control system drowned out the pulse in your ears as you scanned for the drugs you were looking for.

You found them faster than expected. They could have at least been hidden. The universe could have put a few more obstacles in your path, but instead, the universe was giving you a big fat sign it wanted you dead.

You picked up the packaging. Turned it over in your hand.

Just a handful of these, and all the problems you cause would be over. No more reprimands. No more disappointing everyone you meet. No more wrenching in your gut every time Dr. Chilton looks at you with contempt when you long to see a smile. No more trying so hard every minute of every day.

It wasn’t like too many people would be sad you were gone anyway. Most of them will be relieved.

Your eyes stung.

Wasn’t someone going to walk in and stop you?

Your lip trembled. Why would anyone want to stop you?

Tears rolled down your face as the reality of your plan set in. Survival instinct kicked and clawed at the cloying fog of twisted logic that promised you would be helping everyone if you stopped existing, but it was losing the battle.

And then you heard someone call your name.

You sniffed and looked up. No… not someone calling your name. Moaning it. You crept to the last row of shelves at the back and gasped—Dr. Chilton had his laptop tucked onto a shelf and was watching a clip of security feed on loop. His red, glistening erection thick in his hand as he masturbated, whimpering your name over and over.

You watched silently—he was so engrossed he didn’t notice your shadow falling over the aisle. It was only when the package of drugs slipped from your hand and clattered on the floor that he jumped with a shriek, covering himself, though his massive erection was still conspicuous in his pants. His eyes bugged out at you, face red with embarrassment—but then they quickly narrowed to anger.

“What are you doing in here? You are not authorized to be in this room,” he barked.

All you could think about was what you heard—the name gasping from his lips. It overpowered every other thought. “Were you… imagining me?”

His nostrils flared. He hastily shut the laptop which was looping security footage of you outside his office door.

Then he laughed—forced and cruel. “What I imagine is not your concern. Do not read into it. I have never shown you special treatment, have I? Do you think that I could have feelings for an incompetent nurse?”

“I know that!” Your lip trembled again now that the briefest spark of hope you had was shattered. Of course he didn’t like you. He was just a pervert who jacked off to all the nurses. “Don’t you think I know that I’m worthless? You’ve made it abundantly clear.”

Fresh tears rolled down your cheeks, and Chilton’s eyes softened, as if for the first time realizing that all his attempts to hurt you had succeeded. You were hurt. And he did not enjoy it as much as he thought.

“You are not worthless,” he said quietly. Then his eyes flicked down to the floor, at the medication you dropped. He picked it up, read what it was. His expression fell. “What were you doing in here, nurse?” he swallowed.

“Nothing. I just… needed something for a patient.”

“Lie,” he said.

You looked away. Everything was numb. It barely even occurred to you that someone stopped you after all. A handsome, awkward, cruel doctor you admired was in the same room with you and had said his first kind words since the day you met.

He took a slow step toward you. Then another. His hand—slender and surprisingly large—pressed your arm in an attempt at a comforting gesture. An alien parroting human behavior.

“You are not worthless. I assure you, none of your mistakes have been grievous. You are certainly not the least competent of my staff. Far from it. So don’t…” He swallowed. “…Do not do anything rash.”

“Sure,” you scoffed. “Then why am I the one you’re always reprimanding? The one always being called to your office?” You knew what he thought of you; he was just trying to talk you down.

“That…” he began in a broken voice, “That must be painfully obvious now.”

Your eyes peeled away from the floor and found his face, and the storm of emotions flashing over it. Shame. Trepidation. A faint light of hope.

“You like me?” Your voice sounded far away. The analytical part of your brain was whirring away above the swamp of depression bogging you down with lies that nobody could like you. But it made sense. As the words spilled from your mouth, it was like a veil lifted.

Pulling pigtails. He was pulling your pigtails because he liked you. A middle-aged psychiatrist ought to have more emotional maturity handling a crush than a third-grader, but there was a reason he worked at a hospital where the only patients were mentally ill murderers. There was a reason his staff hated him. Why he was lonely, and why you desperately wanted to be the one to fill the empty space by his side.

Frederick Chilton was a lot like you.

You could understand each other and be less alone in this world, together.

***

His eyes were closed and he was muttering something self-flagellating and vaguely apologetic when the kinetic sense of you moving closer caused Frederick Chilton to look up.

No longer out at arm’s distance, you were within each other’s breathing space. And now, he was genuinely terrified—terrified you were going to return his feelings. Of the joy it might bring crashing down on him like an airplane. He read something he never expected to see in your body language, and it shook him deeper than being walked in on with his cock in his hands.

You should have reported him for ethics violations.

If you made the case to the hospital board that he created a hostile work environment because he wanted you sexually, he would lose his job and do everybody a favor.

But this—the intention in your body—this was the farthest thing from what he deserved. You confirmed his fear when your soft, perfect lips melded against his. Yet, as always when he knew a thing was wrong, he did not push you away. Did nothing to stop you. He let you deepen the kiss slowly, and you were warm, the taste of you sweeter than he imagined in all his lonely nights of fantasizing.

His cock twitched, your closeness awakening his urges again. He moaned as your lips parted, his lips parting with them, and your tongue gently probed inside. You were tentative at first, investigating only the nearest reaches of his inner lips, and then his hand spasmed on your arm, and with a low growl, he pulled your closer—then you became ravenous. All the turbulent emotions churning within you broke free in that kiss. You sobbed into his mouth, your tongue, hot and fervent, explored and assaulted the depths of him, your hands weaving into the hair behind his neck, and he could taste your salt. It was all his tongue could do to keep up—to let himself be consumed.

Dear god, if only that passion would have ended him then and there. The moment your lips met his in an unexpected act of reciprocation was the fulfillment of every want, every tattered and twisted hope—the highest delight a man such as him could achieve. And he knew—rightly so—that all that could follow was suffering of his own design.

Dear god, let me die before I see this in ruins. Let me die with my happiness.

***

The sex wasn’t all that good. But then again, you had gone into that supply closet intending to never come out, so overall, being fucked by the man you had been pining for was a positive turn of events.

It wasn’t how you’d imagined your first time with Dr. Chilton, pressed against a cold tile wall. A hungry kiss led to his clothed erection pushing against your thigh, led to you unbuckling his belt.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” he whispered hoarsely, nervous eyes darkened with lust—and you nodded, sliding down your scrub pants, which stuck on your sneakers, hobbling your ankles. He was in too much of a rush to let you take them off—he only opened up his slacks and pulled his cock out of the fly of his briefs. And then he was thrusting into you from behind—frantic, desperate. Your ankles being bound only added to the thrill of him being in control. Dr. Chilton wanted you after all—fantasized about you—and now he was taking you, and all you had to do was surrender to his desire.

His breathy moans rose with each snap of his hips, his hands traveling up your chest under your shirt, fingers curling around your neck, possessing you. Touching every inch of skin he could get his hands on. And that noise that saved your life, your name on his lips, he chanted in your ear.

He was fast—hips racing as if this were his only chance, and if he waited, you would disappear—and he finished fast. You didn’t spend long with your face pressed to the cold tile when his moans broke into a shattered scream, and his head slumped, sweaty, against your back.

Then he turned you around to face him and got on his knees. Heedless of his own mess that he’d left sticky and bitter inside you, he pumped his fingers into you and sucked like he was fulfilling a duty. Clinical about the task, and efficient. It didn’t take him long to bring your arousal to a climax in his mouth.

After, he was quiet. When you had cleaned up, he looked at you like you were a mistake… only you weren’t certain what kind of mistake. If you reached out to reassure him, would he jerk away and tell you to never speak of this again?

“Was it… all you expected?” you asked robotically. Your arm crossed your body, hugging yourself.

And then he kissed you again, softly. He ran his fingers over your hair and pulled back just far enough to study your face. His eyes were wet, clouded with a million thoughts and regrets you would only learn about later.

“You are perfect,” he whispered.

• ● • ━━━━━─ ••●•• ─━━━━━ • ● •

Since I went some places this chapter... Please don’t bottle up your feelings if they’re telling you horrible things about yourself. They aren’t true, I promise. You matter. ❤️

Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255

Online chat: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/chat/

Help via Text: https://www.crisistextline.org/ (Text HOME to 741741)

List of additional resources: https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/suicide-resource-guide 

Tags:

@beccabarba​ / @itsjustmyfantasyroom / @thatesqcrush / @dianilaws / @permanentlydizzy / @mrsrafaelbarba / @madamsnape921 / @astrangegirlsmind / @neely1177 / @onerestein / @dreamlover31 / @stormtrooperofficerbrowneyes / @barbasimp / @storiesofsvu / @welcometothemxdhouse / @feedthemadness-sweetie / @law-nerd105 / @amelia-song-pond / @michael-rooker / @xecq 

[rosierocks30]

Chapter 11: The Coup D'état 

Reiner hasn’t seen Mikasa for a week since their unexpected encounter. All he could think about was the way her soft lips crashed into his. As a Marleyan warrior, he shouldn’t have these thoughts towards his enemy, but as a man, it’s so tempting to expand his forbidden thoughts about the female Ackerman. He remembers when he and his comrades went on their mission to retrieve the Founding Titan from the Paradis Eldians, he met Mikasa at a military academy and his crush for her grew when she spared him and took him down. He admired her strength and talents from being an excellent soldier. He felt she had so much potential, but with Eren it was hard for her to focus on her priorities.

Sure he was jealous a little bit, but he believed Mikasa could grow to her full potential which a week ago, Reiner saw what she was capable of doing. He saw another side of her personality that she rarely shows to anyone. 

Right now, he kept replaying on that day when Mikasa kissed him. Just thinking of the way they kissed was very enjoyable and passionate, especially for two former comrades now enemies. 

The Armored Titan holder was lost in his thoughts as he’s with his family having a late lunch. Gabi, his cousin telling interesting tales during her training. His other relatives praised her while his mother was staring at him with concern. 

“Reiner? Are you alright?” His mother interrupted his daydream. Reiner’s cheeks were now flushed embarrassedly. 

“Yes, mother. I’m alright. I just had a lot of things on my mind.” He tried to stay cool.  The rest of his family gave an ‘are you sure’ look. 

“Are you sure, son? You just have that look that I used to do that when I thought about your father.” Ms. Braun's voice was low. Reiner glanced up at his mother then sighed as he got up from his chair. 

“I’m fine, mother. I had a lot on my mind because we’re going to the shoreline tomorrow to prepare for the invasion soon.” He said. 

Ms. Braun seems not convinced, but she lets him off as he gets up from his seat. “Are you heading back to the base?” 

“Yes, I need to prepare for tomorrow. Gabi, you can enjoy a little more time here before you have to come back soon for tomorrow.” The titan shifter looked at his cousin who nodded. 

“Well, thank you for the lovely meal mother. I will definitely miss your home cooked meal and uncle and auntie, it’s good to see you both again.” He smiles at each of them. 

“Wait son, let me pack you up some leftovers so you can enjoy it on the trip to the shoreline.” Ms. Braun gets up quickly to go pack up some leftovers for his son, but add more to share with his close comrades. His soldiers always praised how good his mother’s home cooked meals were. 

The blonde haired man goes towards the kitchen where his mother is packing up some food for him. “Reiner, I know you have a lot of plate in you, but I’m asking a favor from you to find a girl. I don’t care...where she’s from as long, she makes you happy.” 

Reiner was surprised by his mother’s words. Usually, she always told him to find a good respectable Eldian girl even though she prefers a Marleyan girl, but that sounds too far fetched for him to be with. With years passed, his time is running out. Soon in a year, he will be dead by the titan's curse and have to pass it on to his successor. 

“Mother, what are you trying to say?” He finally broke his silence. 

“I want a grandchild. I understand this will be unfair for you and the potential mother of your child, but hear me out my son. I may push you to be in the warriors program so our family can be citizens. I want to say, I’m sorry, Reiner …for letting my ambition put on you. I was so hurt and in denial when your father stopped this secret affair. I thought being citizens will make him come back to me and be a family like I’ve dreamed. Every time I count the days when you’re about to die, I cry...from the guilty making my only child go through hell. I’m sorry for causing you pain, my precious son. I love you so much. Please, if you can make time, find a girl that makes you happy and have a child. I promise you that I will accept the mother of your child with open arms and treat her as my daughter. Your child will be raised with love and knowing its father died as a hero.” She cupped her son’s face to stare into his eyes. 

Reiner scoffs that his mother mentions him as a hero. He didn’t feel like a hero when reality had hit him hard during the time of the Trost District invasion of the Titans. He started to have nightmares. At first it was the loss of his comrades Marcel Gaillard, Porco Gaillard’s older brother, the last holder of the Jaw Titan before Ymir ate him and stole the Jaw titan from him on the island. Porco had resented him because of his brother’s death. 

“Reiner, you may not think you’re a hero but you are. Your loyalty to our Motherland Marley proves you will sacrifice for your country, comrades, our people and the Marleyan who had discriminated against us for years. With you, you have shown there are good Eldians; not the devils from Paradis.” Ms Braun’s tone brings some comfort in Reiner from the deeds he had done in the past. 

“Mother, if I already had in mind who has my heart, will you keep your promise once I die?” He said

His mother smiled in joy from hearing this. “Oh son, so there is a girl in your life. Yes, I will keep my promise.” 

“Even if it’s an enemy?” He dropped the news on to her. Now, his mother became quiet. He knew it that she would not keep her promise. 

“Is she with a child?” She finally answered. 

“No, we...I just saw her a week ago and….my old feelings for her had resurfaced. I thought I would grow out of it once I got back home. Instead I deeply buried these feelings since she’s an enemy and also her heart belonged to someone else at that time. I can’t keep her out of my mind. I tried mother, but if you knew her; she’s compassionate, fierce, strong, loyal, kind and also protective. Did you know she saved Gabi from getting killed by one of her comrades when Eren Jaeger attacked Liberio? She doesn’t see us, not even Marleyans as enemies. She fights to protect. I’m tired of denying my feelings for her. I want my last year on earth to have that small happiness. With that I see Mikasa Ackerman as my happiness.” he took a deep breath after his passionate speech. 

“I see...this Mikasa is related to that Ackerman monster?” Reiner was confused about what his mother meant, but remember Zeke mentioned to the higher ups that they all need to beware Captain Levi Ackerman who is a monster when it comes to fighting. He agrees with Zeke that the Captain of the Survey Corps is a bloodlust killing machine. Heck, he had nightmares because of the captain.

“Yes, she is his distant relative, but how do you know about the Ackermans?” He questioned his mother. 

“Let’s just say, I know how to retain information from the military when it’s necessary.” She said. 

“Mother, that’s treason.” He whispered. 

“And you falling for the enemy isn’t not treason? I did it because you had me worried the way you scream at night from terrors and I read on your report that you attempt to shoot yourself. I am scared for you, but like I said. I take mostly blame on myself for making you lead that path. I will do what it takes for you. It won’t make up completely what i made you do but it’s a start. Now, about that Mikasa girl. If you believe she will make you happy then you have my blessing. Just please both of you be careful ok. I don’t want anything bad to happen to you, son.” Her hand caressing her son’s cheek. 

“I will be careful, but first I need to confront her about my old feelings for her.” He said. 

“Well, you better because I still want a grandchild. Here, I pack enough for your friends and some extra if you meet up with the girl again.” She said with a smile then gave a paper bag with containers of leftovers to him. 

“Oh god mother.” He blushed and took the big brown paper bag. 

“I love you mother. I promise I will come back home alive to spend my last moments with you guys.” He smiled and hugged her. 

“ I love you sweetheart. Please take care and take care of Gabi. She’s still a child.” She said. 

“Of course I will. Goodbye...mom.” He whispered then exited through the back door and walked around to walk through the sidewalk. 

Reiner enjoyed walking down the streets whether it’s empty or crowded. The nostalgia feeling rushed in when he glanced at all the spots he had hung out with his old friends and new. He will miss home and the people who were busy with their daily lives. There are some destroyed buildings from the surprise attack by Eren that haven't been reconstructed yet. 

The Eldian blonde man was now glancing up at the blue sky until he saw a very familiar figure up at the roof jumping from roof to roof. Seriously, why isn’t Mikasa being decree? Is she trying to get herself spotted? He stopped to see her staring down at him. He doesn’t know whether he should ignore her for now. Well, his mother did pack some for Mikasa, maybe having lunch with her will get her to lose her guard with him. He goes to find a ladder that's connected to the roof where Mikasa is staring down at him. Her eyes kind of glow silver which scares him a bit, but also feels intrigued. 

Finally he reaches to the top of the roof and sees Mikasa a bit far distant with her hoodie covering the top half of face. Her jet black bangs flow delicately from the breeze. His mind definitely wasn’t playing tricks when he stared at her silver glowing eyes. Reiner began to walk towards her. At first, she was about to spring off from him; but he gently used his hands to make a surrender gesture for her. 

“Hey I'm not here to chase after you. I’m here for a peace offer.” He waved the big brown paper bag at her. 

When the smell of a home cooked meal reached to her nostrils, her stomach growled from hunger. She blushed from feeling hungry. Mikasa pulled off her hoodie to reveal her face towards him. “This isn’t a trick right? Because i won’t hesitate to kill you this time if you do.” She warned him. 

“I swear on my honor, this is not a trick. I just thought two adults having lunch on a nice clear day.” He said truthfully. 

Mikasa contemplates whether to risk it and take his offer or just run away. “Fine I guess having lunch with an old friend is acceptable, but can I trust you if I show you my hideout?” 

Reiner sighed. “Yes, you can trust me. I would have already tried to capture you by now.” 

“Hmm fair point. Just don’t make me regret it ok. Follow me. I’ll show you my little temporary place.” Mikasa began to hop on the other rooftop which Reiner groaned but thank goodness with his titan strength he managed to catch up with her. 

Finally they reached their destination. An old abandoned building was far apart from the city limit. Reiner felt they passed the internment zone where they segregated Eldians like him from the Marleyan citizens. It felt like no man's land.  

“This is a good hideout.” He said. 

“Yeah, I need a good place not to be seen.” She made a scoff sound then used her strength to move the heavy cemented flat block to reveal a hole enough for them to get through. Both entered into the hole then Mikasa once again closed the entrance and used candle lights to brighten the room. It's dark here, but there’s a stairway which Mikasa leads him upstairs until there is brightness from the daylight. He saw a bed and a small desk with a little feminine touch. The view was beautiful since he can see the rest of the city far away. Mikasa blows her candle light which he does the same. 

She took off her boots and sat on her bed. “Sorry I don’t have a table for us to eat. Just take off your shoes and join me on the bed.” the way she said it made Reiner blushed. 

He took off his shoes and went to bed. Reiner placed the bag on the bed and opened it which the aroma of the food spread around the room. “So, what did your family cook? Because it smells good.” She said. 

He took out containers of the different kinds of dishes his mother made. “My mother made a feast like lunch since Gabi and I are being shipped off to the shoreline soon.” 

“Yes, I’m aware your armies are preparing to invade my home.” She said with a bit of a dark tone. 

“Mikasa...I know this is too late but I’m sorry for what I did in the past. I was naïve and eager to please my superiors especially I made a promise to my mother that our family will be rewarded to become citizens. This war had opened up my eyes and the consequence. I hate the mindset the Eldians were taught to hate their own people across the sea. We are all the same. It's just a fucked up world that my people have to hate your people just to live.” While speaking his thoughts out, he prepared the right amount of food in one bowl his mother placed into the bag. Then he handed the bowl filled with food to Mikasa. 

“Thank you.” She mumbled gratefully then took a bite. “Reiner, maybe the younger me would accept an apology, but you don’t need to because like you said, you were a child being upbrought with my people being the devils and your people just happened to carry the blood of the devils. You thought it was justifiable of what you, Annie, and Bertholdt did the day you and him broke into the Wall of Shiganshina. After that, that hatred infected my people in wanting to destroy all titans. So, I understand what you did was necessary and naïve if I would have been in your shoes. Now, I see a man with remorse and pain from the guilt you caused during that time. But if you need my forgiveness then you are forgiven. I believe us Eldians and against the world aren’t the real villains since the real ones cause this long history of bloodshed and pain. This is one of the reasons why I joined the Brotherhood of the Creed. I learnt the truth of the history both sides were lied to.” 

Reiner already had his bowl with food in it while Mikasa was speaking. He glanced up in confusion. “What do you mean, Mikasa?” 

“What I mean is the history we both know is not what it seems.” Mikasa gets up while holding on to her half empty bowl. She placed it on her desk then grabbed old artifact documents and placed it in front of Reiner. 

“Huh? What’s this?” He stared down old documents on the bed. 

“This is evidence that our history was lied to. Everything we knew was nothing but a lie.” Her tone became dark. “I didn’t want to believe it at first either but the facts never lie.” 

Reiner stopped eating and placed his bowl on the ground. He grabbed one of the papers and read. He was surprised that he kept reading each paper to process this revelation in his mind. 

 “What did I just read, Mikasa? Don’t tell me that all the pain, blood, tears, and fears we Eldians and Marleyans endured was all just for these sick people’s ambition to rule the world? Who do these templars think they are?” His body was shaking from the anger building. 

“They planted the seed of hate and fear on both the Fritz king and his concubine, Ymir the Founding Titan. You know how the legend goes when Ymir made a deal with the Earth Devil to receive the power of the titan?” She glanced at him. 

“Well, the real lore was she went to the forest to get fresh berries and herbal plants like she would usually do then one day, Ymir was gathering more until she came across a device that’s not from this world. She touched it to see strange imaging in her mind and there was an object next to it. Ymir hears voices in her head whispering the promise of endless power and immortality. Of course, she was a slave to the king; she desperately made the deal without knowing the curse. Ymir had the power to have the world under her feet instead she let the king use her as a weapon to just protect from neighboring enemies. The templars heard stories of a woman turning a giant so they came here and that’s where they whisper to the king to conquer and the world will bow to him.” 

Reiner listened to Mikasa. “So in order to take over the world they need to let chaos spread to manipulate how they see it fit?” he was trying to understand what he just found out. 

“Yeah pretty much. Yet their ideology and the Order are still alive today. Some are disgusting as Paradisan citizens and some are very close to your military ranks.” She stared into him. 

He gasped and grunted his teeth. “Fuck, this is too much.” 

“It explains why this part of the world hasn’t advanced a lot for years. The other half of the world already have this device called cell phones.” She pulled out from her pocket a phone and let Reiner hold it.

He looked at it with curiosity and intrigue. “What does it do?” 

“You can communicate from a very long distance but it needs satellites and the internet. I use this flat round device to recharge it. It’s how I keep my contact with my higher rank.” Mikasa said while watching Reiner touching the screen and his eyes lit up like a child. Low key a smile appears on her lips as she finds it cute. 

“Why are you telling me all this?” He stopped and became serious. 

“Because I feel you should know the truth. My gut feeling tells me to trust you so I did, plus you’re the only person I know in this place who will listen and consider. You did have the right to inform your superior about my appearance here, but you didn’t...why?” The titan shifter couldn’t help staring into her dark eyes. They are full of mystery. Reiner knew he'd get lost into them if he kept staring at them. No matter how she looked, he would always see her as a beautiful warrior. 

“Because I don’t want anything bad to happen to you...I guess you can say; my old boy crush had resurfaced when I saw you again a week ago.” He was blushing from his confession. 

Mikasa was surprised by this. Her cheeks were blushing too. “How long have you had this crush?”

“The first time we met when we became partners to spar. I had admired your strength. You made things look so effortless. I haven’t seen that since Captain Levi.” his tone became soft. 

“Yeah, you might be surprised but captain midget and I are actually related. Apparently, when he found out his surname is also Ackerman; Commander Hange began to research our family genealogy. So, he’s my second cousin. We’re the only blood family we have. Well, I will be an auntie soon.” She brushed her bang to the side to see him better. 

“Wow, that explains so much the way you both have this similar intimidating look and your fighting style is very similar also.” Reiner carefully gathered the papers to place them on the ground. 

“Pfft, first off, I’m better than him.” She mumbled.  

“Already having a family rivalry going on?” he chuckled. 

“I just hate to always be compared by him. I don’t want to be his shadow. I want to be just Mikasa.” She whispered. 

“Hey, you two may have similarities but you are way different from him. He is always alone and you surround yourself with friends. You’re passionate, kind to others, but fierce in battle. You are protective of those you care about. You’ll be a wonderful badass mother one day.” Just the thought of her being a mother made his stomach flutter. Maybe only in his dreams, she would be round with his child. 

“I….I mean being a mom would be something I always wanted to be if I survived this war.” Mikasa thought about motherhood for years. She thought once this hell is over maybe Eren would realize how much she loved him, but that idea died when her comrades recused Queen Historia from him and his older brother. 

“You would look beautiful… even though you will always look beautiful no matter how you looked.” Again he blushed as he looked away. 

“Reiner, are you proposing for me to have your child; it seems that way?” The dark haired beauty smirked teasingly. 

“I- what? No! I mean I don’t want to put you in a situation where you will be alone with a child once I...passed away from the curse.” He became nervous. 

“How long do you have until you're dead..?” Mikasa felt her heart squeeze from thinking about him already dying. 

“A year.” He said in a low tone. 

The Asian woman nodded from his response. “This probably shouldn’t be a good idea but we can try...if faith allows us to have a child then so be it. I want to be with a man who will love me for me and just make me feel I'm the only woman in this cruel world.” The assassin gently placed her hand on his lap. 

The blonde man felt his heartbeat pound loudly. He can feel her hand gently slide up his thigh. His manhood woke up excitedly as it throb to be free from his trouser which it was getting tighter. “W-will you let me be that man?” His tone became husky. 

As his tone got deep and raspy, Mikasa felt the warmth feeling below where her core pulsed with excitement. Now, her tone became seductive. “Yes, I can’t stop thinking about you since our encounter on the rooftop. Honestly, I wasn’t expecting the kiss to make me feel alive. Since then, just thinking of you made me feel a woman for once. I haven’t felt like this with anyone; not even with Eren.” 

Reiner didn’t know what possessed him, but he boldly captured her lips with his passionately kissing Mikasa. The Paradisian woman was a bit startled, but adjusting the deep kiss quickly. Her hands cupped his cheeks while their tongue fought for domination. Mikasa shifted her body to sit on his lap while Reiner placed his hands on her waist. She could feel how his hands moved up and down her sides. Mikasa slowly begins to rock her body to grind on him. Reiner felt his cock throbbing hard. He let out a groan. They broke free from their kiss, but Renier hovers his lips on her neck. 

Mikasa whimpered from the tease of his hot breath hitting on her skin. Her body started getting hotter so quickly she began to remove her assassin outfit. Reiner happily helped her. He now kisses and bites her neck as her outfit was discarded on the floor. Only her undergarment was still on. 

“Am I the only man to make you feel this needy?” He growled low close to her ear. 

“Mmm y-yes, you make me touch myself when I'm alone here.” Her moan was the most sexiest sound he ever heard. 

“What a naughty girl you are?” He chuckled and let his finger hooked the hem of her panties to slide them off slowly. His other hand unhooked her bra as it fell off from her. Her breasts were exposed. He could see her nipples hard. Reiner let his hand gently massage both of her breasts. 

Mikasa moaning increased. She closed her eyes to enjoy the pleasure of the way he touched her breasts. Slowly, her legs spread apart as her pussy produced more slick and the throb of her clitoris made it eager for her wanting attention down below. 

Reiner other hand slides to grope her thigh then travels up to between her legs. His finger rubbed her clitoris which a wave of ecstasy spread in her body. 

“Ohhhh yes Reiner….d-don’t s-stop p-please.” She kept moaning. 

The blonde man is already busy suckling and licking both of her nipples one at a time. He took his time to taste her soft skin. He can’t believe it that he’s actually doing this with the woman he had a crush with. He enjoys her moans become louder while his fingering goes at a fast pace. Mikasa begins to rock her hips against her finger. He added two more into her hole. This drove her on the edge. 

Mikasa may be high on getting finger fucked, but she glanced at him to see his clothes are not off. She let out an animalistic growl and undo clothes aggressively. Something deep in her subconscious awakened. A familiar voice whispered. 

Claim him...claim mate now…

Reiner felt how she undo his clothes and removed them. Now equally, his body was exposed as Mikasa’s. His vision became clear from the pleasure he was giving to her. He noticed Mikasa’s eyes glowing silver. The titan shifter was hypnotized. His eyes glowed amber. Like animals, they wrestled for domination again. 

There were biting, sucking, and scratching. Their moans and growls echoed in the abandonment building. Finally, Reiner had her on her hands and knees bend over. His grip was on her hips. Mikasa pressed her ass on his cock grinding to feel his precum pulsing shaft on her entrance. 

“Fuck Mikasa, let me try to be gentle with you.” He groans. 

Her head shook. “N-no, I don’t want you to be gentle...I want rough. I need your f-fucking thick meaty cock inside me!” She begged with a demanding tone. 

“This is the first time you are becoming demanding.” He mumbled. “But…this is your first time? I don’t want to hurt you.” he said. 

“I’m an Ackerman, pain is the least of my concerns. Please Reiner just fuck me. I have been wanting you all this week.” Her whimpers were visible. 

He stopped her then spread her bottom cheeks to see how wet she was for him. He felt pride in what he had done to her. Already with his hard cock, he thrusted into her pussy. 

Mikasa cried with joy and bliss from feeling his thick meaty cock stretching inside her walls. Her body shakes from the pleasure and an electric familiar feeling spread every inch of her body. She hasn’t felt this since her awakening when she lost her biological family. 

Reiner growls and keeps thrusting into her harder. His body leaned on hers while fucking her as she demanded. The sound of slapping skins echoing the room. His lips kissed ferociously on her neck. He whispered sweet words and promises in her ear.

Mikasa sobbing with bliss as she listens to Reiner’s sweet words. She wants it all. She wants love, happiness, family, marriage, and him. Mostly him. Even though it's going to be for a year, she doesn’t care. As long she gets to be with him in those 12 months. Mikasa knows she’ll be ok if faith blesses her having his child. 

(Somewhere in Wall Sina, Paradis Isle)

Levi was riding his horse back to the Orphanage. He had finished all his assassin’s duties to finally come home to Historia. As he got closer to the familiar roads, far in the horizon; Levi saw black smoke in the sky. His sense started to pick up the burning scent. His heart dropped when the location was where the Orphanage is. The raven haired man kicked his horse to gallop faster to the smoke location. 

When the view of the property became near, he saw it was the building along the cottage that both him and Historia put time and enough. He got off his horse and ran toward the heated area. 

“Historia! Historia!” Levi screamed desperately for his wife. Maybe she hid herself along with the kids and the caretakers. Whoever does this they will pay with their lives? The place was black like charcoal. There were some small fires but it’s dying down. The captain walked through the Orphanage first. God, he hopes there’s no bodies here.

He saw the second floor gone. The rumbles of burnt wood and other materials laid on the ground. Levi carefully removes the things to spot anything who has done this. He lifts a pile and sees what he fears. Few burnt bodies. Most of them were adults, but one child lay crouching. For almost nine months, Levi had begun feeling fatherly. It angered him that probably a group or one person did this sinister act. He saw a shiny silver that caught his attention. Levi picked it up and brushed off the ashes to see it was the Templar cross. 

“Those fucking bastards!” He gripped tightly the cross. As he glanced at it, the cross was dented from his strength. He placed it into his pocket to have as evidence. If there were only a few that died, where are the rest of them? He goes to the stables. 

Levi reached to the stables to see it was untouched. He walked in and heard noises from under.

“Come out now.” He said sternly. 

A tiny head pops out from the stack of hays. “Captain Levi you’re back!” 

The little girl Kathy ran towards him to hug him tightly while sobbing. “Where are the others?” He changed his tone a bit softer for the crying child. 

The child glanced at the captain when he kneel down to eye level her. “S-some were burnt...others were shot and thrown into the lake. Only us hid in the hays. Historia was taken by the bad men...one of them called Zeke.” 

That fucking piece of shit Zeke. He was behind on all this. Levi tried to remain calm since he doesn’t want to scare the kid. 

He heard shuffle from the hays and the rest of the children came out. Thank fucking Walls the children survived. They probably killed the adults. This time he won’t fail both Erwin and Historia. Zeke Jaeger will die by his blades.

“Come kids, let’s head to town. I’ll make sure you’re all safe.” The assassin had bottled up his bloodlust rage. He can’t go on the rampage yet. The kids need to be safe first. His titan wanted to come out. 

Those fuckers. They will meet their death. How dare they kidnap our queen. We must go after her to protect her and our offspring.

“We will but let's take the kids first.” He whispers which only Iapetus heard in his subconscious. 

“Captain? Who are you talking to?” Kathy looked at Levi curiously. 

“No one, kiddo.” His eyes reflect silver which Kathy felt a bit frightened, but she knows the captain won’t harm her and the kids. He’s a good guy. A hero. A knight especially to Historia. 

He gathered the surviving children. Levi noticed there are still two horses in the stable. He goes to the animals and takes them out to prepare the saddles. Once the horses are ready, he leads both the children and the horses where his horse awaits for him. 

“OK only some of you will ride on the horses. The little ones will go on them including mine. The oldest I’m sure you guys can walk until we reach the next town.” He stared at the kids. Some were still shaken up from the event earlier. 

He helped the smallest kids into threes on all the three horses. Only a few kids are a bit older from 7 to 13. The thirteen year old was holding a baby. She’s probably around 6 months. 

“Here I’ll carry her. You’ll need your strength right now.” He said to the girl holding the baby. 

She nodded and gave the baby to Levi. Might as well get used to it. He’ll be carrying his own brat soon. God, he hopes his and Historia’s kid will survive. Finally everything is ready and they all walked or rode on the road to the closest town. 

They reached into town by late afternoon. The kids whined from being tired and hungry. Even the baby cried from missing her meal time. Luckily, he saw a very familiar Commander. 

“Oi Dok.” He called out. The other man glanced to see it was Levi with the rest of the children. Something must have happened.

“Why do you have the orphans with you? Where is the queen?” Commander Dok of the Military Police began to question Levi. 

Levi was getting annoyed. He glared at the commander. “I just got back from the capitol to find the property burnt to the ground. Some bodies were burnt too. The kids say the rest adults were killed and thrown to the lake. Historia….the queen was kidnapped. They fucking took her. They took my pregnant wife, Nile.” His voice was shaking with anger and fear. He fears if he doesn’t find her; there is a chance both could be dead. 

“Wait what? Who? We need to alert the Premier.” Nile said. 

“Come let’s go to the station and I’m sure these kids want to eat and rest.” Nile looked at the kids and felt sorry for them. They must have seen awful things.

Some of the MPs help out the kids that are on the horses off. The horses were sent to the stables to rest and be fed. Once they all entered the headquarters, one of the female MPs attended the kids. The baby that Levi is carrying didn’t want to leave his arms. 

“Hey kiddo, she won’t hurt you.” He is trying to calm her down. The thirteenth year old took the baby from Levi which he was gladly that helped. The baby nuzzled onto the girl. The captain watched the kids leaving to the mess hall for food.

“Bye Levi. Promise you will save her.” Kathy ran to hug him tightly.

“Don’t worry I will.” He said. Then he let go of her as she catch up with the group. 

Now it was him and Dok. They headed to the office and sat down. 

“We need to act fast. Especially the condition her Majesty is in.” Nile said as he started writing the letter. 

“I know. Last week she began getting cramps. Very soon my kid will be born.” Levi said. 

“I’m still not used to the idea, but I’m sorry what you are going through, Captain. This is every husband and father's worst nightmare.” The MP commander sympathizes with Levi. 

The captain was quiet but nodded. “It was the fucking Templars and the Jeagerists. They became allies.” He grabbed the dented cross and aggressively placed it on Nile’s desk. Nile was disturbed of this news. The queen is in grave danger. 

“What will you do now?” Nile asked. 

“I’m going to pass the message to Hange and my grandfather what had happened then go find those bastards and slaughter them especially Zeke. He is mine.” His tone became dark and sinister. 

Dok never saw the captain like this. He had heard his notorious bloodlust when it came to titans. The middle aged man took a glimpse of files about the Ackerman clan. They are the product of titan genes to make them the perfect warriors to protect the royal family and slay titans. They are titans in their human forms. At first, he doesn’t believe it, but seeing Levi’s eyes glowing silver ready to unleash chaos. This gave him chills. 

Levi had his hoodie up to cover him. “Will the kids be fine here? I’m putting their lives into your own hands, Commander.” He said as he turned around. 

“Of course, we’ll keep an eye on them.” Dok said. 

“Good. I gotta go. See you around and thanks.” Levi walked out the room and the chills disappeared from the room. Dok gasped since he didn’t realize he was holding his breath. 

Levi got on his horse and rode away to the Capitol. War had been declared. Levi Ackerman and Iapetus are eager to shed blood on the enemies.

They will be praying to their god for mercy. 

(unknown location in Wall Sina)

Historia was dragged to a beautiful luxurious bedroom. Her labor has calmed down. She was too weak to fight. Her kidnappers place her on the bed. She sees maids running around preparing for the birth. 

“Where is this so called King?” Her voice was weak but still held a stern tone.

“Oh I’m here, my queen.” No, it can’t be true? It’s him. 

“You.” Her tone spewed it like acid when she saw Lord Evans. 

“Yes, it’s me. The mastermind of all this. Here’s what you will do. You deliver your spawn then get ready for our wedding. I’m already crowned by the High Priest Of the Walls. I have the rightful claim then you. You’re nothing but a bastard borned from sins and lust. But the people adorns you so I’m merciful to make you my queen consort. Your child will have no rights to the throne as it will be a bastard like it’s parents.” He smirked. 

“You! YOU’RE A TRAITOR.” Historia’s blue eyes glared at the man. 

“My darling, I think it is you that’s the traitor. You being a bastard taking the throne. You have changed what our ancestor King Karl Fritz had worked hard to make sure our kingdom stayed isolated and ignorant from the outside world. And the worst of all, you whore yourself with an Ackerman. Once we get married, I will install the old laws which include prosecuting the last Ackerman line forever. Don’t worry, I will only let your child live for now.” He laughed and walked away. 

Historia screamed in fury. This isn’t happening. This is becoming too much. She wants Levi here to comfort her.   

“You’re Majesty, I’ll be your head midwife to safely deliver your heir.” The woman who’s in her mid 50’s whispered to the queen. 

“Huh? Aren’t you working for Lord Evans? How can I know you will try to fish me out of information for that asshole?” Historia grunted from the pain but her tone was cold. Right now, how can she trust? It seems enemies are everywhere for her. 

“My queen, I may work for him, but my loyalty lies with you. You are our queen. The Walls had blessed you to rule this kingdom. It was you who slayed the enormous titan. It was you who protected the people. And it was you who care and listen to the people. You are the People's queen. Now, let’s welcome the crowned princess or prince to this world.” The midwife smiled at Historia then called in her apprentices for assistance. 

“These fine ladies are my assistance who are under apprenticeships to study to be a midwife.” Historia glanced to see girls from 13- 20 years of age lined up and pay respect to her with a courtesy. “Your Majesty.” All of the girls greeted her. 

Historia was about to say something, but another major contraction appeared. “Ahhh!”

“Alright, girls you know what to do. Have the bowl of cold water ready and drench the towel to cool off her body.” The senior midwife ordered her apprentices as they rushed to prepare. The midwife had Historia get comfortable on the bed laying down. She lifts up Historia’s nightgown to have her legs spread. 

The old woman sees the entrance already widen open and barely sees the baby’s head. “Alright, your majesty. On the count of three, you will make a big push. Ready? Now, push.” 

Historia lifted her head up as she pushed hard. The pain was unbearable. It felt her back was split in two. The queen screamed in agony. “Ahhhhhh. It hurts! I don’t think I can’t do this.” She pleaded from this awful pain. Is this what her mother endured when she gave birth to her? Maybe that’s why she hated her. Oh god, she doesn’t want to become like her mother and hate her own child. 

“Your majesty, you must keep pushing. The head is not out. Your child will die if it's not out to breathe.” The midwife trying to reason with her. One of the girls damped the wet cool towel on Historia’s forehead. 

“I-I can’t...I need him here. He’s supposed to be here with me.” the queen began to sob. 

“Who? Lord Evans?” another girl asked. 

“No, you ignorant child. The father of her majesty’s heir.” The oldest girl said. 

Historia felt exhausted but the baby was trying to come out. She feels scared like when Historia was Krista in her Survey Corps years. Those were happy times even if they put their lives in danger from titans. 

“L-levi where are you?” The queen whimpered then another pain consumed her. 

“Levi? As the Captain Levi Ackerman of the Survey Corps? You’re carrying his child.” The girls gasped from this information. 

“Girls! Focus. Worry about chatting later.” The old woman scolded at them. 

Historia tried again to push. “Grrrrr-ahhhhh!” 

“I see the head is out. You’re doing a good job, my queen.” The midwife said. 

As the blonde haired woman paintings, her sight was getting blurring from the dizziness and exhaustion. She breathed in and out. Her face was pale like white sheets covered with swears. Her golden hair was expanded on the pillows but looked dampen. Historia feels like dying from this hellish torture called childbirth. 

“Just three more pushes and the baby is out. Promise you.” The old woman said. 

Historia gained more strength to make the last three pushes. Her scream had echoed the whole place that Lord Evans and his allies could hear her agony screams.

“The baby is out. You did it, your majesty.” The midwife holds the baby, but the newborn hasn’t made a sound. The midwife was worried. She slapped the newborn’s bottom which finally a crying noise was heard. It was not loud but it’s better than no sound. 

“Congratulations to your majesty, he is alive and healthy. Let us clean him and you’ll meet your son.” The old midwife said with a smile. She passed the baby boy to one of her girls as some helped clean up the baby while the rest cleaned up after Historia. 

The queen let out a cry of joy from hearing her son’s cries. She did it. She gave birth to Levi’s son. Historia was too weak and distorted. She felt something heavy on her arms and looked down to her it was her baby. “My little miracle. You’re finally here. I’m your mother and I love you so much already.” She whispered to the baby. 

The baby opened his eyes to show it’s blue like hers. He inherited Levi’s raven hair and nose. Most of his features are Levi’s only her colored eyes are on him. “Welcome to the world, Atticus Ackerman-Reiss.” 

Her son looked at her curiously, but already formed a smile for his mother. This brings Historia with joy. How did her and Levi make this pure angel? He is her everything along with Levi. Then she thought about something that will keep her son safe from Lord Evans, the Jeagerists, and the templars.

“Mrs. Goodman, you said you’re loyal to me right? Please, take my son to the Commander Hange secretly. Lord Evans and his allies will kill him if they see how my boy resembles his father. I beg of you...please.” Historia stared at the woman with pleading eyes. 

“You’re majesty, his lordship promises he won’t hurt the prince.” The old woman is trying to reassure her.

Historia shaking her head in disagreement. “No, I don’t trust his promises especially allying with Zeke and his followers and the templars. They burnt the Orphanage down. Children and caretakers died from there. So please take him before they do god knows what awful things they have plans.” 

“Your Majesty, I don’t mind taking the baby safely to the Survey Commander.” The eldest girl volunteered. The midwife stared at her. “Are you prepared? You can’t be caught by anyone until you reach there. Do you understand, girl?” 

The 20 year old nodded. “Yes, I’m prepared. I will make sure the prince is in safe hands.” She was determined. 

“Already child, let’s quickly prepare the child and you to leave. We’ll say the baby struggled to breathe and died within minutes. My queen you must act like a grieving mother to fool them. Can you do that?” The midwife said. Historia nodded. 

The apprentices and the midwife begin to get the baby ready which he wraps warmly with a clean blanket. At first, Historia had a hard time to let go of her son; but it’s necessary to do this. She kissed him on his tiny forehead. “Gods...the Walls please as a mother protect him. Protect my only child from harm. I can’t lose him.” her tears stream down. She gave Atticus to the girl who was placed in a basket. Before leaving, Historia asked for a paper and pen to write a note for Hange. Finally, place the note on the basket and watch the girl sneaking away with Atticus to safety. 

Historia placed her hands on her face as she sobbed. Already being away from her son is breaking her heart. She feels alone. Soon, she will be forced to marry that despicable asshole. All he would do was to breed her into having more kids than probably kill her off. The queen silently prayed for her warrior to come take her away. 

The young apprentice walked hastily on the dark cold road. Lord Nathaniel Evans’ property was  far away from the capitol. She covered her head with a blue hood and held the basket carefully. She took a glimpse of the newborn prince who whimpered from feeling not being around his mother. Poor little one, he will be separated from his mother. The girl glanced back at the lights from the estate to see guards patrolling the area. Quickly, she entered the forest to hide from their sight. It’s a good thing, she knows the way through the forest.

Meanwhile back at the Evans estates, Lord Nathaniel barged into the room where Historia had given birth earlier. “What happened? Why is my bride crying like a banshee?” He glared at the blonde petite woman who was on the bed crying hysterical. 

“I’m sorry Lord Evans but the child died. He only lasted a few minutes before he was gone.” The midwife made a sad expression. She understands the heartbreak the queen feels. 

“A son? And you sure he died?” The nobleman was surprised. Looks like Ackerman’s seed wasn’t that strong as they claim. This is perfect. One Ackerman down. Two more to go. 

“Where’s the corpse?” He asked while trying to ignore the wailing sound of Historia grieving. 

“We have to cremate the smell that is already getting bad from the decompose.” The midwife continued explaining. 

“Do you have the ashes at least?” He kept interrogating the older woman. 

“Of course, we put it in a tiny container for her to keep it. A mother’s loss is something not easily forgotten.” She goes to grab the metal container and hands it to him. Nathaniel took it to open the lid to see ashes in it. Then handed back to the midwife. 

“Very well, she may keep it as a wedding present.” He glimpsed at Historia who now glared with hatred in her cold blue eyes. 

“Don’t give me that look. You will soon forget your dead son. You’ll have plenty of children once we are married. This is a sign of your union with that low level criminal was unbalanced and invalid.” Nathaniel gave a pouch of golden coins to the midwife. “Here, for your service. You may leave. Historia will need to get ready for her wedding.” 

The midwife caught the pouch and frowned. “My king, I implore you to let your bride rest. She just gave birth and lost a child. I suggest you postpone the wedding for her health sake.” 

“She will be fine. Historia had gone through much worse than losing a half-breed.” He said. 

Historia growls in anger. “Fuck you! You don’t get to assume what was the worst I endured! You took everything from me. My orphanage that I worked so hard to have a home for unwanted children. My home where my husband and I built together! And now my child. My son...he only get to fucking live minutes. I hope Levi will come after you and torture you. I will gladly watch while sipping my tea and decorate your head on a spike. That’s my wedding gift to you, oh my dear darling.” The queen felt a slap on her cheek. 

“Whore you have no authority towards your true king!” He said with rage. The usurper quickly glared at the midwife and the apprentice which they were terrified for their queen. 

“Why haven’t you left? You did your duties and I paid. Leave now!” He yelled at them which they gladly left. 

Now it’s him and Historia. The nobleman grabbed her hair to drag her out of the room while Historia began kicking and screaming. He entered another room and there were the maids waiting for their lord’s orders. 

“Maids, prepare this bitch for the wedding within a couple hours. I want her in the wedding dress I bought for her. Then escort her on the vehicle so it will take her to the main citadel in the capitol for our wedding and the coronation. By morning the whole island will wake up with a true king and his royal consort. So, be ready Historia, the templars will rule this island and Marley.” He chuckled darkly and shoveled her, Historia fell on the ground. He walked away to go get ready. Behind him, fainted whimpers from Historia were heard as the double doors closed. 

(The capitol, Mitras) 

One by one templars assassinated higher ups and a personal army from Lord Evans marched into the city. The MPs begin to shoot their rifles. Chaos had started. Civilians woke up from the bloodshed nightmare. Some hid, but others ran for safety.

Meanwhile at the Survey Corps headquarters, the girl finally reached there and knocked the door loud. Quickly, ran away from the building when it opened to see Sasha looked down where the basket was. 

“Aww what a cutie?!” Sasha is cooing the baby. Little Atticus began to cry. The soldier freaked out and picked up the basket since the noise of rifles and screams was heard away in the main plaza. 

“Let’s get you somewhere safe.” Sasha said and walked to see a note there. She picked it up to read it. Then gasped to know whose child it is. As she holded the basket, Sasha ran to the Commander’s office and pounded the door. 

“Commander Hange!” She shouted out then the door opened to see both Hange and William were interrupted in their nightly activity. 

“Why do you have a baby with you, Sasha? Remember what we tackled about they are not pets where you can take home.” Hange said. 

“Commander please read this note. This is Queen Historia and Captain Levi’s baby.” The soldier gave the note to her higher up. William read from over his girlfriend’s shoulder. 

“So the queen had given birth and sent someone to bring the baby here. Lord Evans was behind all this chaos that’s happening now.” Hange frowned. 

“We need to find a different location. The templars will come after us and find the baby. They think he died.” Williams said with concern. He picked up his great grandson who stopped crying. 

“He needs to be fed.” Bill goes to find baby formula since they have an emergency in case an orphan child is needed. 

“We need to leave now, I’ll send a message to Levi that we’re relocating to our secret hideout.” Hange said. 

“What about helping the Mps?” Sasha said. 

“I will lean some of the scouts for Commander Dok to help out. But I will need my best soldiers to protect the crown prince. He is our hope along Queen Historia. Thank goodness she is still alive, but we need a better plan to get her out. Right now we relocate for his highness’s safety. Plus, Levi will go batshit crazy once he finds out what had happened to Historia.” The Commander already got ready to lead her regiment. 

Once she gave the order what was happening, everyone packed up necessary things. The assassins took their best weapons while the soldiers filled up their tanks for their OMD gears. After everything was ready, they left the building abandonment. Some of the soldiers and assassin head to the destruction while the rest leave the city.

(Marley) 

Both Mikasa and Reiner were enjoying each other's company when far away they heard guns and screams. They looked at the view to see chaos. 

“What the hell is going on? Mikasa please don’t tell me it’s you guys?’ Reiner said. 

“What? No, it’s definitely not us. We don’t have firearms.” Mikasa frowned. She goes to grab her clothes to put them back on. “I need to go.” 

She felt her arm being grabbed. “Wait, Mikasa...I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to jump into conclusions.” His expression felt guilty. 

“It’s fine….I’m just as shocked as you.” She said. 

“Will I see you before you leave the island?” He said with hope. 

“Yeah, just be careful out there. Meet me at the edge of the city in the south.” She leans to kiss him. “I’ll see you later.” She smiled then stepped back to turn around and leave. 

Reiner quickly dressed up and headed out to go to the base first. He hopes everyone is ok and defends their home. It can’t be Paradis. His comrades had been keeping an eye on them for a while. Who could it be that’s invading his home? Maybe it’s those Templars that Mikasa mentioned. 

The titan shifter ran fast pace while avoiding getting shot. When he entered the internment zone, he saw his comrade squads already fighting. An enemy stopped him. The blonde man noticed the cross symbol on the other. So it is the templars that Mikasa warned about. Shit, they are fucked. 

“Why are you doing this?” He yelled at the templar. 

“For the peace and dream of the Templar’s Order.” The man said with pride. 

The templar began to attack Reiner which the titan shifter dodged his attack. He’s glad the power of being a titan shifter, his strength and speed are abnormal than an average strong human. 

The other man growls in annoyance and charges at him again. Reiner uses his leg to kick the shin of the knee and disarm the firearm to point at the enemy. Without hesitation he shot the templar between his eyes.  The blonde Eldian ran towards his comrades. 

“Guys, what’s going on? Where’s Gabi and the young candidates?” He asked. 

Porco and Pieck turned around to see their Deputy Chief already here. “Our military and government had gone coup d’etat. Most of our higher officials were assassinated. Those devils outsmarted us.” Porco was busy aiming his gun at the enemies. The armies from the shoreline were bombed and not a lot of them survived. Our soldiers are small now.” 

“I don’t think it’s the Paradis devils. You know they are not that advanced in technology as we do. The only thing they have is the titans. Eren had most of them. And Zeke will betray us. The colossal titan belonged to another Paradisan named, Armin Arlet. So it’s just us three and a small number of soldiers.” Reiner explained. “We need to go to the base to check to find the rest.” 

All three begin to run to the main base. They stopped when on the other side their comrades were shooting at the enemies while vice versa. The templar’s armies had a big machine weapon that shoots ammunition with fast speed. 

“Shit, we gotta shift to help our comrades.” Porco was distressed from seeing the bloody sight. Suddenly, Pieck screamed when a bullet shot on her shoulder. She fell from the pain. 

“Pieck!” Both men turned to help their fellow female soldier up. Some of the enemies spotted them and aimed their weapons at them. So both Reiner and Porco dragged their friend and comrade to a safer area to be shield from the attack. 

“One of us has to distract them. Porco you go take Pieck to the base where they will treat her at the base hospital.” Reiner said. 

They were about to protest until they heard two gear sounds and screams from the enemies. Reiner looked around to see it was their lost long comrade, Annie Leonhart. 

“A-annie?” Reiner was shook seeing her. He thought she was still a prisoner. 

The Female Titan landed in front of them. “It’s been a while guys.” 

All three were so happy one of their own had made it home. But they see another blonde figure landed beside her. 

“Wait, What the hell what is he doing here? Why do you have our enemy beside you.” Porco frowned as he stared at Armin Arlet. 

“Touch him and I wouldn’t hesitate to chop your legs and arms. He’s here to help everyone out against these Templars and their soldiers.” Annie glared at Porco. She will not let anyone harm her boyfriend. 

Reiner may have an idea that these two were with Mikasa the whole time for some mission. He can’t judge Annie being involved with their supposed enemy since he is after all with Mikasa earlier. 

“Alright, let’s calm down and not jump to conclusions. We have a bigger problem right now.” Reiner used his leadership tone. 

“He is right. We need to work together. Forget our past of hatred with each other. This war is us against templars. If they win, we’ll be all screwed. I mean the whole world screw. We all want peace so let’s make it happen together.” Armin's inspirational monologue made them contemplated. 

“We’ll have to get to the base quick then.” Reiner said. 

“Wait, if we go; they will shoot Armin since he’s a Paradisan.” Porco said while carrying a wounded Pieck. 

“I won’t let that happen.” Annie said darkly. Armin felt a hint of a blush from how protective Annie is towards him. They both confessed their feelings when Annie used to be a prisoner and he visited her often. 

“Pfft I can’t believe you're fornicating with the enemy.” Porco mumbled. 

Annie rolled her eyes at him. “Oh I’m not the only one who had fornicated with an ‘enemy’. Isn’t that right, Reiner?” She glanced at her old friend and comrade. Reiner was flushed from her comment. He coughed. “This isn’t the time to gossip our sex life.” He said in a cool tone. Now, Porco was a bit stunned that his deputy chief also slept with an enemy before, but he is right they have no time for whatever this conversation was. Pieck needs medical attention soon. 

“Let’s go. She is losing a lot of blood.” Porco was worried for her. She groaned in pain. All five of them make their way to the war zone between the base and the enemies. 

A/N: For those waiting for Annie's appearance. She’s finally here! I was contemplating where to have her appear. So a lot of crazy things had happened in this chapter. Yes,  the baby is finally born and his name is Atticus Ackerman-Reiss uwu. He looks like his papa Levi but with Historia’s blue eyes. Tell me what you guys think of this interesting chapter? Yes, there were dark scenes. Also there will be a more dark scene in the next chapter with Historia. War can bring out the darkness in you especially trying to protect your loved ones. Ok, enjoy this chapter guys! Love you all. Until next time. 

[misanthropecopy]

@gentletwin​ asked: 📖 this sounds FUN

Storytime With Psyche: Not Accepting

         “In my world, matters concerning the mythical or mysterious side of things, typically can be explained as some Pokemon using its capabilities in unique ways. That does not stop mankind from being superstitious thank goodness, yet sometimes they seem to completely disregard the fact that we can easily destroy them, to the point where they treat us as nothing more than mere slaves for their amusement. This has of course resulted in numerous individuals of my kind to have toxic relations, with those who “own” them,” Psyche began. While both Mewtwo were exceptions and had broken off ties with their tormentors, most Pocket Monsters submitted to their masters’ orders far too often, without raising any questions. Preventing herself from showing any emotion behind such touchy subjects, legendary exhaled once, before continuing.

         “Still, there are some humans in my universe who are compassionate to these Pokemon’s cases. A few months back I encountered an elderly Houndoom which is akin towards a dog in your world and an old dark-colored Meowth who had a story that exemplified both sides of the spectrum.”

        “The Meowth was born on the street, foraging whatever food was available from dumpsters or stealing from fishermen. One day she was returning with one of these catches in mouth to her makeshift “home”, a pile disregarded human objects. Things went on like they typically did, with one human calling dark feline and her running away from the offer out of fear. She went through the usual graffiti-filled alleyways and scared the local Pidgey which are like birds off her territory, with relative ease. Then, she settled into her special box with a torn blanket and an old stuffed toy inside before finishing her meal and taking a nap for the rest of the night. Finally, he arrived.”

         “During the evening a car pulled up, the beam of its lights startling the young feline awake. Looking out of a small hole in her box, she noticed a human yanking a chain behind him and even heard a little yelp before fearfully shrinking back to the box to sleep the rest of the night away. Meowth had partially hoped this was some strange dream that she would soon wake up from, but that was far from the truth because the next day when meticulously peering out of box again, she was greeted by the muzzle of a new Pokemon. Houndoom.”

         “Unlike what his appearance suggested, the Houndoom seemed innocently curious as to what little creature was inside box. When he got close however, Meowth swiped her paw at him multiple times in defense. Canine was wise enough to back away, preventing himself from being struck. He kept his distance from her the rest of the day, as young feline played with various items behind garbage including a bottle cap which they ended up passing back and forth between themselves. Surprisingly, they somewhat grew attached towards each other through this. Such events went on for a few days, with Meowth catching glimpses of Houndoom’s “training” which seemed unusually violent. Now, while my kind longs for battle humans often have these boundaries set that make our thirst for fighting more of a sport than any serious threat. Regrettably one stormy night, as Houndoom’s limp physique was kicked downstairs into trashy backyard it was clear that those boundaries were not applied in whatever skirmishes he was dragged into. The human did not even bother taking him to the Pokemon Center, as fire-type pawed at door; whining for help. Yet despite this treatment dog still remained kind, even saving his smaller friend when she soon found herself stuck in the trash after it collapsed on her.”

         “Because of this, she began to truly understand that the canine was no real threat but a friend and that both of them needed to escape, so that is what they did. While human was out, the smaller dark-type broke her companion’s chains and the two ran away together. A few weeks passed by and eventually the duo became more open towards humans, eventually finding one who took both of them in and cared for them, becoming their new and this time forever home.”

[danciingflame]

credit (x)

&. BASICS

Full Name: Evelyn Ines Barbosa Phoenix

Nicknames: Phoenix, Phoebe, Ballerina

Age: 96 years old

Sexuality: bisexual

Date of Birth: August 9th 1924

Place of Birth: Lisbon, Portugal

Gender & Species: cis woman & (fire) sprite

Current Location: Ardora, Concordia

&. MORE BASIC INFO

Languages: Portuguese, French, English

Religion: atheist

Education: Graduated from Lisbon’s dance and acting university

Occupation: Principal Dancer/Prima Ballerina of Lisbon

Drinks, Smokes, & Drugs: she began drinking and using Concordia-native drugs after becoming a sprite, otherwise it would have been too damaging to her human body.

&. PERSONALITY

Zodiac Sign: Leo -- The Leo woman is a regal Lioness, queenly in every way. From her royal bearing to her personal style (which tends to be extremely expressive and bold), the Leo woman is strong and comfortable in owning her power, like her planetary ruler, the Sun. Though slightly sweeter-natured and usually a little less over the top than her male counterpart, a lady Leo can still be counted on to take no bull – if you try her, you may live to regret it. It’s best to avoid inciting that Leonine temper if you don’t want to see claws. Should you attempt to mess with her way of being or quality of life (especially anything related to survival: her family, home, or income), she will take you down – hard. Lady Leos are vivacious, full-of-life personalities, and their enthusiasm and ebullience can be completely infectious. They want you to do something wild and fun with them, so being a bump on a log or a stick in the mud will simply not fly for these big cats, who take deep delight in feeling their freedom and exerting their autonomy. 

MBTI: ESFP -- ESFPs are vivacious entertainers who charm and engage those around them. They are spontaneous, energetic, and fun-loving, and take pleasure in the things around them: food, clothes, nature, animals, and especially people.ESFPs are typically warm and talkative and have a contagious enthusiasm for life. They like to be in the middle of the action and the center of attention. They have a playful, open sense of humor, and like to draw out other people and help them have a good time.

Likes: her family (both her human and sprites family ofc), dancing, teaching, partying, the warmth, recklessness, the warmth within Mt. Ardora, silent nights, learning, freedom.

Dislikes: getting her heart broken, liars, people who end up depriving Phoenix of her freedom, people who give up after failing, indifference, injustice, the cold weather, boredom

Bad Habits: lip biting, always has to walk around somehow, or, if everything else is impossible, taps her foot and plays with something (mostly her hair)

Secret Talent: dancing, teaching, love

Hobbies: the wide and dangerous spectrum of love (and she’d like to punch herself for that, actually, lmao), ballet, getting together with her friends to cause some trouble and go on adventures, gossip (but in a non-malicious way), 

Fears: waking up and realizing it was just a dream, being left alone, people avoiding her.

Five Positive Traits: passionate, fiery, compassionate, coquette, ambitious

Five Negative Traits: vengeful, temperamental, distrusting, vain, destructive

Other Mentionable Details: uses her ballet to get rid of her energy, uses dancing as her fighting style to contain her flames and direct them/to engulf herself in flames.

&. APPEARANCE

Tattoos: none

Piercings: earlobes

Reference Picture: ref picture

&. FAMILY INFORMATION

Parent Names: Jaco Barbsa (former soldier) & Linda Barbosa (retired nurse since Phoenix cared for their finances) 

Parent Relationship: she had an excellent relationship with her parents, they mean everything to her and she prays every day for them (despite not being religious, but her parents were)

Sibling Names: she has no siblings

Sibling Relationship: --

Other Relevant Relative: NAME UP TO POSSIBLE PLAYER -- (technically) husband. His whereabouts are unknown, but Phoenix believes he’s dead. And if he isn’t yet then he better run.

Children: --

Pets: --

&. BIOGRAPHY

( tw: war, heartbreak, stalking )

Little Evelyn Barbosa was a creation of pure love. Her father, Jaco Barbosa, had returned from war and was celebrated within Lisbon as one of the few making it back alive. He’d fallen in love with a shy and compassionate but stubborn young woman named Linda. The charme of a soldier appealed to her and, not even a few years later, Evelyn was born into a world torn apart by coups, death and anarchy.  No one questioned legitimacy as she’d always been a calm and sweet baby, smiling at the silliest pee-a-boo jokes. Despite her parents not being married, they stayed together despite the backlash from their families and even friends. A strong, grounded love in the midst of war. A love like her parents was the first she got to know. It was a love that made her childhood so comforting despite the ongoing wars within their midst. While the government struggled to uphold rules and even leaders, Evelyn remained in close proximity to her parents and their warmth. She grew up in a small, but lovely cottage in Belém, hidden away from the terrors of this world. One could even say she’d been sheltered and smothered with love -- others might, she certainly never did. Evelyn decided, at an early age, to repay her parents by aiming for a higher education, to eventually buy them a beautiful finca and enough food so they’d never have to worry about anything else. She turned out to be a little miracle, a progeny, a muse.

Dancing lifted her spirit, made her feel alive, burning with passion and dedication to the craft. Especially ballet. The pirouettes and poses, the blood, sweat and tears one had to give to perfection such beauty -- Evelyn enjoyed the idea of being excellent at something so extraordinary, watched and admired by thousands. She trained for years to come and, with a scholarship at one of Portugal’s best ballet companies (what would later rebrand and become the national ballet of Portugal in Lisbon), Evelyn fully committed to becoming a professional ballet dancer. With such a natural talent like hers, paired with the passion needed to survive against all the competition, enabled Evelyn to graduate with honors. This is when love intervened. Not only after a year of performing on the big stage, Evelyn met her match -- a young, handsome and charming man. They locked eyes and Evelyn was fun over, just like that. Five times he went to the same play before Evelyn eventually gave in and decided to get to know him. Saying she wasn’t in love would’ve been a lie, no, in reality she’d fallen in love with him the moment they locked eyes. With her career unfolding and with herself slowly making some decent money, Evelyn eventually bought her parents the finca she’d always promised them. With herself on top of the world, Evelyn let herself fall into the arms of one of the only people she truly trusted.

The war arrived in Portugal at a time in which Evelyn finally tried to talk to him. Both her father and the stranger she’d fallen for were drafted and Evelyn put all her energy back into ballet. Each day her anxiety increased and the news got worse with more and more people dying. She’d hoped for good news -- her father arrived first, wounded by a gunshot wound in his right arm, then, a few days later, he returned -- perfectly fine and barely changed. While this should've raised red flags for basically everybody else, Evelyn remained clueless and naive. Maybe he was just one of the lucky ones and had been able to prevent any injuries. She dedicated a large portion of her time to him after the war in the hopes of making up for all the lost minutes with him. Evelyn got engaged rather quickly after spending some wonderful weeks with him and, not even two months after their engagement, the two got married with all the glitz and glamor possible in their post-war world. They honeymooned on the coast of Portugal while reality struck her like lightning. All her belongings -- gone for good. Evelyn spent most of her honeymoon searching for answers, she even went as far as to believe he’d been kidnapped. Yet, her search ended up in various dead-ends.

Like a bird with broken wings Evelyn found herself grounded, completely lost of all her innocence and naivete. Her pink tinted glasses turned red and with that her mood completely changed. Instead of channelling her passion for ballet, Evelyn requested the next few weeks off to find out more after there’d been rumors of him being spotted in the Caribbeans. A fire ignited inside of her, pushing Evelyn forward towards her husband. The closer she got towards the Caribbeans, the more hope she had that everything would be alright in the end. There was still the possibility of him returning to her, of him just being kidnapped. Evelyn would never find out since the plane she’d boarded crashed and burned before she could even reach him. She awoke in a strange, but beautiful world. Evelyn survived her personal hellfire and emerged as a new person. Less naive, less tender and with her innocence lost she joined the fire sprites on her quest to true love. The passion located in her heart fit perfectly into the ranks of the fire sprites, as did her rage. She channelled the intensity of her personality by using fire and from that a Phoenix arose out of the ashes of everything she’d lost. Ardora not only provided her with the perfect opportunity to change, but it also opened a completely new world to her in which she could start anew without worrying about anything, or anyone, else. Phoenix completely devoted herself to the social structure of her new home, like she always did. From her fighting skills to her place within Ardora -- she cared and made sure she’d remain important and respected. She rarely got out of her shell at first, but it didn’t take too long for Phoenix to warm up to everyone else. With self-love everything seemed possible now. Phoenix arose with an appetite to express herself, to dance surrounded by fire, to test her limits. A sense of freedom completely took over from there and with the new name a completely new person entered this world: hardened, free, passionate. She crammed all her missed out years into a few months, went from exciting activity to the next big thing, hoping to keep that rush alive inside of her. It would never go out, that she’d only realize a few decades later. The fire inside of her, bright and warm, would never go out again. And that naive, little girl described in the beginning, eyes as bright as stars and her heart filled with love? Phoenix loved to surround herself with fire now, fully embracing the previously asleep firebug within -- her spark would soon ignite the hearts of many -- and she would gladly pour all her energy into welcoming the next generation.

[elusivexo]

vision

A lot of recent conversations with friends - about relationships, priorities, and balance - have forced me to reevaluate what I’m doing with my life. Where am I on the path of becoming the person I strive to be? What are my future goals, and am I on the right track? Does my vision of my future align with my partner’s? During orientation, one of our attendings asked us to write down the five things that were most important to us in order, draw circles proportional to their importance, write down the five things we spend the most time on, and draw proportional circles for those. She wanted to remind us that we invariably spend the most time on our careers when it’s not actually the most important priority for most of us, and to make time for our true priorities. 

I think more deeply and introspectively when I talk or write things out, and one of my priorities is certainly to be more introspective and self-aware. Having Sharon visit me this weekend was incredibly rejuvenating; I love the earnest, real conversations we’re able to have. I’ve made some pretty good friends here in Arkansas, but we’re not quite at that level. So here’s my list for me to revisit regularly, and it’ll be a little different from my resolutions because it’ll be less concrete. 

Traits

Compassionate/kind - This is fairly important to me, and I think I’ve developed it through reading and taking the time to hear people’s stories. It’s become almost second-nature to try to put myself in other people’s shoes, to pause and think “Why did they do that?” through their context rather than mine. Although it’s one of the most important skills that I bring to psychiatry, it is also the one that is most at risk of deteriorating. It’s easy to become jaded when confronted with people who malinger or try to be manipulative. I have to constantly check myself to make sure that I don’t confuse hard-heartedness with cynicism. 

Self-sacrificial/generous - I’ve been lucky to surround myself with people who are easy to love. For them, it is easy to be generous, but I want to continually push myself to be self-sacrificial to those who are difficult to love as well. Through this year, I will definitely be challenged to do so with my patients on internal medicine. I will have to remind myself that even the most difficult patients are also God’s beloved. 

Introspective - I’m always on the lookout for self-improvement, but I can’t really do that if I’m not taking the time to check my progress and see where I am. I’m hoping to do so more concretely by writing more and having these kinds of conversations with friends. 

Flexible - As a strong J, I get rattled when my plans are disrupted (unless they’re canceled entirely :p). I’ve always wanted to be more P, and I think I’ve made a lot of progress towards that in the last four years. I want to open more spontaneity in my life, but that will mean not cramming my schedule with overflowing bits. 

Honest - I lie to myself. I try not to lie to other people, but if I’m being willfully ignorant or in denial, I confuse other people. I want to work on being clearer with my actual intentions and pushing myself to admit difficult truths. 

Assertive - I’m assertive when it truly matters; I had no qualms pushing back against my attending when I disagreed with him regarding patient care, or speaking up to advocate for someone. It’s often the little things that I let go because “it doesn’t matter” and it’s easier for me to just suck it up. I’m not sure how assertive I want to get, but I do know that I don’t want other people thinking of me as a pushover. 

Reliable - I’m so forgetful that I’m kind of clueless sometimes. I operate fine in the work setting because I take careful notes and make sure that I do everything that I’m supposed to, but I know I am less than reliable in personal life. I often forget to respond to long texts/emails and fail to deliver on promises. I’m the person who says “Let’s catch up!” and then forget to follow through unless something jogs my memory (or if I put it on my calendar). I’m trying to actively use my reminders and take notes for my personal life in a notebook/my calendar more often. 

Intentional - I don’t want to be thoughtless or passive; the kind of life I want to live requires discipline and intentionality. I need to think more carefully about what I choose to do instead of mindlessly drifting over to Facebook or Hearthstone. 

Priorities

Faith - I always say this is the most important thing to me, but I often forget to actually make it so. I thought it would be easier with time, but it isn’t. Even after 10 years as a Christian, I still fail to be disciplined with reading devotionals, praying, and seeking accountability. I need to work on this. 

Career - I do expend the majority of my time on this, but I’ve been lazy about expending more because I’m selfish about my time. To truly be where I want to be, I need to work on my medical knowledge by reading more. 

Friendships - I don’t take my friendships for granted, but I do feel comfortable picking up where I’ve left off even if it’s been months or years. This year that I’m in Arkansas, I do have more time to be intentional. I’ve been better about reaching out to friends to schedule phone calls and vacations. 

Family - Not much I can do from afar, but I do want to spend more time with my family when I go back to New York. 

Health - This goes into lifestyle, but I genuinely want to take care of both my physical and mental health. I’ve always taken the time for emotional self-care, but I haven’t been so great about my physical health. I want to work on eating more healthily and exercising more regularly. So far, I’ve been able to do well with this. 

Hobbies - When it comes down to it, there are some hobbies that matter more to me but are a little harder - and I’ve been picking the easier ones that don’t matter as much. I want to spend more time on reading, writing, photography, and cooking. I want to spend less time mindlessly scrolling on fb/insta or playing Hearthstone/Candy Crush. 

Lifestyle 

Minimalistic - I don’t intend to Marie Kondo my life, but I’ve lived out of a suitcase for 6 weeks at a time. I can live on less. This one is hard for me because I like to have a stocked pantry and I don’t like throwing things away, but I need to remind myself that there’s no point accumulating trash. I also need to be more mindful about what I purchase. 

Hyggeligt - I absolutely LOVED The Little Book of Hygge. It completely captures what it means to socialize as an introvert, and it really fits what I want for my future (but without all the candles). I want casual comfort, small gatherings, and low-key/low-effort chilling. 

Physically active - Now that I’ve started strength training, I realize how utterly embarrassing my physical strength is. I’m excited to see the progress I’ve made in the past month, and I hope I’ll keep this up not only this year, but for the rest of my life. 

Cooking more, eating out less - I’ve always loved cooking, and I treasured my nightly dinner at home with my parents’ cooking. Not only do I want that for my children, but I also want that for myself. It’s so comforting to eat at home and know exactly what went in the food. I do love eating out, but it has always been an indulgence and I need to relegate it to what it is instead of doing so thoughtlessly. 

Hosting - This is such a big deal to me that it is one of the biggest dealbreakers for me in a relationship. If my significant other doesn’t like having people come over or stay over, then it’s not going to work. Even though I came to Arkansas with no friends and I’ve only been here a month, I’ve probably hosted 30+% of the nights that I’ve been here. Hospitality is incredibly important to me, and encompasses two of my primary love languages (quality time and acts of service). 

Engaging with the arts - Although I am starting to see the appeal of living somewhere rural, I do struggle with my relative lack of engagement with the arts. I’ve heavily overcompensated by listening to a lot of music, but I do want to get back into reading - not just on interesting topics, but also beautiful writing. When I’m back in NYC, I want to seek out thought-provoking plays and exhibits. 

There are definitely more traits I want to work on, but for this period of my life, I do want to focus on these. Priorities and lifestyle-wise, I don’t think that’s ever really changed, but I do want to make sure that I am living the life I think I want. And if I’m not happy, then I need to reevaluate that. 

[orbemnews]

A Year of Risk, Fear and Loss for Families in Medicine Gabrielle Dawn Luna sees her father in every patient she treats. As an emergency room nurse in the same hospital where her father lay dying of Covid last March, Ms. Luna knows firsthand what it’s like for a family to hang on to every new piece of information. She’s become acutely aware of the need to take extra time in explaining developments to a patient’s relatives who are often desperate for updates. And Ms. Luna has been willing to share her personal loss if it helps, as she did recently with a patient whose husband died. But she has also learned to withhold it to respect each person’s distinct grief, as she did when a colleague’s father also succumbed to the disease. It’s challenging, she said, to allow herself to grieve enough to help patients without feeling overwhelmed herself. “Sometimes I think that’s too big a responsibility,” she said. “But that’s the job that I signed up for, right?” The Lunas are a nursing family. Her father, Tom Omaña Luna, was also an emergency nurse and was proud when Ms. Luna joined him in the field. When he died on April 9, Ms. Luna, who also had mild symptoms of Covid-19, took about a week off work. Her mother, a nurse at a long-term-care facility, spent about six weeks at home afterward. “She didn’t want me to go back to work for fear that something would happen to me, too,” Ms. Luna said. “But I had to go back. They needed me.” When her hospital in Teaneck, N.J. swelled with virus patients, she struggled with stress, burnout and a nagging fear that left her grief an open wound: “Did I give it to him? I don’t want to think about that, but it’s a possibility.” Like the Lunas, many who have been treating the millions of coronavirus patients in the United States over the past year come from families defined by medicine. It is a calling passed through generations, one that binds spouses and connects siblings who are states apart. It’s a bond that brings the succor of shared experience, but for many, the pandemic has also introduced a host of fears and stresses. Many have worried about the risks they’re taking and those their loved ones face every day, too. They worry about the unseen scars left behind. And for those like Ms. Luna, the care they give to coronavirus patients has come to be shaped by the beloved healer they lost to the virus. Working through grief For Dr. Nadia Zuabi, the loss is so new that she still refers to her father, a fellow emergency department physician, in the present tense. Her father, Dr. Shawki Zuabi, spent his last days in her hospital, UCI Health in Orange County, Calif., before dying of Covid on Jan. 8. The younger Dr. Zuabi almost immediately returned to work, hoping to keep going through purpose and her colleagues’ camaraderie. She had expected that working alongside the people who had cared for her father would deepen her commitment to her own patients, and to some extent it has. But mainly, she came to realize how important it is to balance that taxing emotional availability with her own well-being. “I try to always be as empathetic and compassionate as I can,” Dr. Zuabi said. “There’s a part of you that maybe as a survival mechanism has to build a wall because to feel that all the time, I don’t think it’s sustainable.” Work is filled with reminders. When she saw a patient’s fingertips, she recalled how her colleagues had also pricked her father’s to check insulin levels. “He had all these bruises on his fingertips,” she said. “It just broke my heart.” The two had always been close, but they found a special connection when she went to medical school. Physicians often descend from physicians. About 20 percent in Sweden have parents with medical degrees, and researchers believe the rate is similar in the United States. The older Dr. Zuabi had a gift for conversation and loved talking about medicine with his daughter as he sat in his living room chair with his feet propped up. She is still in her residency training, and throughout last year she would go to him for advice on the challenging Covid cases she was working on and he’d bat away her doubts. “You need to trust yourself,” he’d tell her. Updated  March 12, 2021, 9:30 a.m. ET When he caught the virus, she took time off to be at his bedside every day, and continued their conversations. Even when he was intubated, she pretended they were still talking. She still does. After difficult shifts, she turns to her memories, the part of him that stays with her. “He really thought that I was going to be a great doctor,” she said. “If my dad thought that of me, then it has to be true. I can do it, even if sometimes it doesn’t feel like it.” Love tempered by risk and horror In the same way that medicine is often a passion grown from a set of values passed from one generation to the next, it’s also one shared by siblings and one that draws healers together in marriage. About 14 percent of physicians in the United States have siblings who also earned medical degrees, according to an estimate provided by Maria Polyakova, a health policy professor at Stanford University. And a fourth of them are married to another physician, according to a study published in the Annals of Internal Medicine. In interviews with a dozen doctors and nurses, they described how it has long been helpful to have a loved one who knows the rigors of the job. But the pandemic has also revealed how frightening it can be to have a loved one in harm’s way. A nurse’s brother tended to her when she had the virus before volunteering in another virus hot spot. A doctor had a bracing talk with her children about what would happen if she and her husband both died from the virus. And others described quietly weeping during a conversation about wills after putting their children to bed. Dr. Fred E. Kency Jr., a physician at two emergency departments in Jackson, Miss., understood that he was surrounded by danger when he served in the Navy. He never expected that he would face such a threat in civilian life, or that his wife, an internist and pediatrician, would also face the same hazards. “It is scary to know that my wife, each and every day, has to walk into rooms of patients that have Covid,” Dr. Kency said, before he and his wife were vaccinated. “But it’s rewarding in knowing that not just one of us, both of us, are doing everything we possibly can to save lives in this pandemic.” The vaccine has eased fears about getting infected at work for those medical workers who have been inoculated, but some express deep concerns about the toll that working through a year of horrors has taken on their closest relatives. “I worry about the amount of suffering and death she’s seeing,” Dr. Adesuwa I. Akhetuamhen, an emergency medicine physician at Northwestern Medicine in Chicago, said of her sister, who is a doctor at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minn. “I feel like it’s something I’ve learned to cope with, working in the emergency department before Covid started, but it’s not something that’s supposed to happen in her specialty as a neurologist.” She and her sister, Dr. Eseosa T. Ighodaro, have regularly talked on the phone to compare notes about precautions they’re taking, provide updates on their family and offer each other support. “She completely understands what I am going through and gives me encouragement,” Dr. Ighodaro said. The seemingly endless intensity of work, the mounting deaths and the cavalier attitudes some Americans display toward safety precautions have caused anxiety, fatigue and burnout for a growing number of health care workers. Nearly 25 percent of them most likely have PTSD, according to a survey that the Yale School of Medicine published in February. And many have left the field or are considering doing so. Donna Quinn, a midwife at N.Y.U. Health in Manhattan, has worried that her son’s experience as an emergency room physician in Chicago will lead him to leave the field he only recently joined. He was in his last year of residency when the pandemic began, and he volunteered to serve on the intubation team. “I worry about the toll it’s taking on him emotionally,” she said. “There have been nights where we are in tears talking about what we’ve encountered.” She still has nightmares that are sometimes so terrifying that she falls out of bed. Some are about her son or patients she can’t help. In one, a patient’s bed linens transform into a towering monster that chases her out of the room. A nurse’s purpose When Ms. Luna first returned to her emergency room at Holy Name Medical Center in Teaneck, N.J., after her father died, she felt as though something was missing. She had gotten used to having him there. It had been nerve-racking as every urgent intercom call for a resuscitation made her wonder, “Is that my dad?” But she could at least stop by every now and again to see how he was doing. More than that though, she had never known what it was like to be a nurse without him. She remembered him studying to enter the field when she was in elementary school, coloring over nearly every line in his big textbooks with yellow highlighter. Over breakfast last March, Ms. Luna told her father how shaken she was after holding an iPad for a dying patient to say goodbye to a family who couldn’t get into the hospital. “This is our profession,” she recalled Mr. Luna saying. “We are here to act as family when family can’t be there. It’s a hard role. It’s going to be hard, and there will be more times where you’ll have to do it.” Kitty Bennett contributed research. Source link Orbem News #families #Fear #Loss #Medicine #risk #Year

[justsomebucky]

The Only Exception (Part 6)

Summary: AU. Reader is given the task of running a popular love advice internet show when her coworker is fired. Her cynical attitude toward love makes her offer some harsh advice, and more than a few hearts are caught in the aftermath. Will hers be one of them?

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x reader

Word Count: 2,725

Warnings: language, angst, self-reflection, discomfort, melodrama, mentions of trauma, fire, rescue (of secondary character), sad thoughts. I don’t know. I'm no Shonda Rimes, but, tread lightly.

A/N under the cut.

Part - 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 - 8 - 9 - 10

A/N: Thanks for providing feedback on this story. I love that my writing invokes strong feelings. I haven’t taken anything lightly.

Two weeks later…

“I’m sorry, Miss Y/L/N, but I don’t think you have the right experience for this position. Best of luck to you in your job search.”

You thanked the hiring manager at the second – no, wait, the third – place you’d applied to, and ended the call with a big sigh.

That was your third rejection in a row, and these people hadn’t even waited until you were on the L train home to shoot you down. You shoved your phone in your pocket, glancing around the skyscrapers of Manhattan, ones that used to calm you down.

Now they just reminded you of rejection and failure.

You knew it was because of your meltdown; there was no way that this was going to die down anytime soon. It was still haunting you, from having to avoid googling your own name, to relatives emailing you memes of yourself, with the subject line ‘This one is really funny!’

The one meme of your face photoshopped on Grumpy Cat’s body was especially ridiculous, though it made you want to adopt a cat. Cats wouldn’t laugh or judge you.

Cats were too self-involved to care.

Your heels clicked on the pavement as you hurried to the subway entrance. There was no point on sticking around downtown for rush hour. You were grateful when the train arrived quickly, and you stepped on to find a seat, flopping down beside a man who was reading a newspaper.

Your thoughts drifted back to your YouTube debacle.

The memes weren’t even the worst of it.

The worst bit was that you didn’t have anyone to talk to about it. Your former-assistant-slash-best-friend Natasha and your former cameraman Scott weren’t legally allowed to talk to you about anything work-related until the investigation into the creepy emails finished. To be safe, you’d told them both to just wait until you heard from the company lawyer. No need to get them into a mess, too.

Natasha had made her feelings on the matter pretty clear, anyways, the night you quit your job, before the gag order.

“I know this job was beneath you, Y/N, but you had a chance to impact people’s lives, and you were so…so reckless about it.”

“Here we go. Here comes Saint Natasha, never does anything wrong, won’t even let me talk to her without trying to make me to blame. Don’t take May’s side and Bucky’s side just because you like Steve, Nat, I-“

“I’m not!” She moved to sit down on your couch beside you, her eyes large and pleading. “I promise, this isn’t about me, or Steve, or May, or Bucky. This isn’t about assigning blame. No one won this week...not one of us is squeaky clean here. I’m talking about you, now, Y/N. You’re a trained psychologist. You’re a wonderful, compassionate person. You know the signs of when to get help. You know the impact of words, especially when casually thrown at someone who is knee- or chest-deep in heartache.”

You weren’t ready to hear that yet; the thought made you want to crawl out of your own skin. “They shouldn’t have put me on the show. I shouldn’t be forced to do something I don’t want to do.”

“Everyone goes through that at work, Y/N. It doesn’t make it right, but it’s the way of the world since the markets crashed. There are steps employees can take, though. You could have gone over May’s head, or quit sooner. Instead, you accepted the role, and you hurt people, including yourself.”

You were silent for a moment, feeling the familiar sting of unshed tears in your eyes as you glanced away from her.

“I know it’s scary to quit, or to stand up for yourself, but think about how scary it is to ask for help from a stranger,” she said softly, reaching out to grab your hand. “Think of how those people had to have no one else to ask but you, and then think about what you told them.”

That did it. The tears poured down your cheeks as the stress of the last few weeks finally caught up to you. You were exhausted, physically and emotionally. “What am I going to do now, Nat? No one’s gonna hire me after this.”

“Someone will.” She smiled at you, brushing your hair back gently. “Someone will see your worth, and they will give you a second chance, and everything will be ok.”

As much as you appreciated the sentiment, you were starting to lose hope again. Three rejections in a row – this wasn’t something you were used to. Sure, it had been difficult getting a job in your field as an entry-level person, but now the markets were opening up. You had a good degree, a good bit of training, some…experience…and most of all, you still genuinely wanted to help people.

You sighed as you watched the buildings go by in the train windows.

“Something got you down, Miss?”

The man next to you put his paper down on his lap as you looked over at him. He was really handsome, and right now his eyes were full of concern.

“I, um…” Okay, so maybe Nat had a point about talking to a stranger. “I’m fine.”

“You don’t seem fine.” He nodded his head at you. “I’m Sam.”

“Y/N,” you replied, offering your hand to him, which he shook firmly.

His face scrunched up. “I think I recognize you.”

No no no no no…

“I just have one of those faces.” You looked back to the windows, feeling your face grow warm.

“No, I definitely recognize you. You’re that love doctor from YouTube, aren’t you?”

“Love Therapist,” you mumbled. “And I don’t do that anymore.”

He bit back a grin. “Yeah, no wonder. I saw your last episode. It was pretty friggin’ crazy!”

“What made you want to watch it?” You couldn’t look at him yet, not until you heard his answer.

“Honestly? Curiosity. It was all over the place: Love Guru hates love, has meltdown live!”

You groaned again, covering your face. “I don’t hate love!”

“What was that?”

“I said, I don’t hate love,” you repeated, dropping your hands to your lap. “I just hated that job.”

“Coulda fooled me.”

It sounded like it should be an insult, but his tone was too gentle, and it made you look up at him again in question. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, it sounds to me like you were taking your personal feelings out on others. You were hurting, too. But, we all have those days. Most of us just don’t have to show it to so many people.”

You were silent as you contemplated this.

“Anyways, Y/N, where are you working now?” Sam shifted in the tight space so he was facing you a little more.

“I’m not,” you admitted. “I just came from my third job interview, and they rejected me five minutes after I left, via phone. They couldn’t even tell me to my face.”

He hummed. “That’s not right.”

“It’s what I’m facing now that I was the infamous Love Therapist.”

“You don’t have to let that shit own you, Y/N.”

“I’m trying not to, Sam.”

“You’re taking these rejections sitting down with a whimper. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Bad things happen to good people all the time, and they carry on. It’s time to carry on.”

Again, you didn’t have a reply for him, suddenly feeling a little childish.

“Listen,” he began, reaching into his pocket for his wallet. He pulled out a business card, gesturing for you to take it. “I’m actually the head of the Red Wing Foundation, based here in Brooklyn. Have you heard of it?”

You shook your head no, accepting the business card with interest. Sam Wilson, Founder and Executive Director.

“The idea for a foundation formed after my last stint in the Army. I wanted to help veterans, reservists, first responders, even those currently active…anyone who went through some major traumatic events that needed help. It’s based in a community center down on Union Avenue, and it’s got career help, continuing education courses, support groups, even on-site therapy sessions.”

“It sounds wonderful,” you told him, feeling your chest tighten a little. If any city in America needed a center like that, it was New York.

Note to self: keep things in perspective.

“It really is. I’m in meetings all afternoon, but I think you should come by tomorrow, have a look around.” The train slowed to a stop, and Sam stood up. ”If you call my assistant, she’ll schedule a time for you to stop by.”

“Sounds good, Sam. Thank you so much!” You gave him a big smile, grateful for the offer, especially from someone who’d seen your show and still thought you were worthwhile.

With a final nod, Sam left the train, disappearing into the rush of people.

You felt more hopeful than you had in weeks.

True to his word, Sam’s assistant Sharon scheduled a time for you to meet with him the next day. The center was about seven blocks from your apartment, but that was nothing compared to hauling it to Manhattan every day.

Sharon informed you that therapy sessions were held three times a day, in the morning, afternoon, and evening, so that people on shift work could still make it to one if they wanted. The sessions were donation only, meaning that anything you could afford to pay, you were welcome to donate, but if you couldn’t you didn’t have to. The Foundation covered the remaining costs.

It seemed a little too good to be true, and you were a little nervous. You’d never dealt with trauma, PTSD, or anything like that before, but you were willing to learn for those who needed help.

Once again, you didn’t have anyone to talk to about this opportunity. Despite the ups and downs of the last few weeks, you really missed Natasha.

With a big sigh, you took the takeout food you’d ordered over to the couch and turned the TV on. The local news was on, and your favorite weatherman was mentioning how gorgeous and sunny it was going to be tomorrow. That was good news, at least.

The TV kind of became background noise as you concentrated on your dinner.

You looked back up, though, when you heard the reporter mention a fire.

“I’m here on the scene of a two-alarm fire at Japanese restaurant in the heart of Brooklyn, where multiple units have been dispatched to try to contain the blaze. We don’t yet know if anyone is trapped inside. Unofficial sources have told us that it started as a grease fire in the restaurant you’re seeing here.”

The camera zoomed, and you saw the awning of the restaurant that Bucky had taken you to on your date. You sat up, food forgotten, and watched in horror as his surrogate family’s restaurant burned to the ground.

The camera focused back on the reporter, and she held a hand to her earpiece, then nodded. “I’m getting new word in now, that one person – a woman, approximately in her sixties – was rescued from the apartment above the restaurant.”

The anchor at the desk gave a very serious nod. “Do you have any word about her condition, Sheila?”

Sheila shook her head. “Not at this time. I will keep everyone updated as Action News continues to be on the scene. Back to you, Tom.”

Your hands were shaking as you tried to google for any more details about the fire. No matter what had occurred between you and Bucky, you still hated to see that poor woman’s whole life go up in flames.

It was about twenty minutes later that Sheila came back on to report that the fire was contained with minor damage to surrounding buildings, but the restaurant was a total loss.

What you saw next completely shocked you.

Sheila was standing next to a soot-and-sweat-covered Bucky Barnes, in full fireman gear, and looking totally upset and uncomfortable.

“I’m told that you’re the fireman who rescued the woman from the apartment, is that accurate?”

“Yes,” he replied gruffly. “But I’m not going to comment about her identity or current condition.”

“Fair enough. Can you confirm that this fire is contained?”

“It’s about eighty-five percent contained at the moment, with three units assisting.” Bucky wiped the sweat from his brow, then glanced over his shoulder. “Excuse me, ma’am, but I have work to do.”

He turned and left Sheila standing there, a little flustered about his sudden departure.

Despite everything, you had the strongest urge to text him and ask how she was doing. You wanted to make sure he was okay, remembering how he lost his little sister in a fire. You couldn’t imagine what was going through his mind just then.

You didn’t text him that night, knowing that the rift between you was still there.

That didn’t stop your heart from hurting for him, though.

After a restless night’s sleep, you meandered around your apartment, slowly getting ready for your meeting with Sam. There was no saving the puffiness around your eyes, but the rest of you looked pretty good.

Your walk to the community center took you past the charred remains of the Japanese restaurant, now blocked by yellow caution tape. Your heart sank as you wondered what the poor woman would do, now that everything she’d worked for and built with her late husband was gone.

Maybe the foundation could help.

Maybe you’d see about helping them expand to any trauma victim.

That was getting way ahead of yourself, though, since you weren’t even technically offered anything more than a tour of the facilities.

Sam greeted you warmly when you arrived, and you were in awe of the sheer magnitude of what he had designed here. There was so much for someone to partake in for such a little building. Everything was handicap-accessible and user friendly. You could tell Sam really poured his heart into this project.

“So what do you think so far?”

You looked at Sam in awe. “I’m stunned that I didn’t know this was here sooner. I guess I didn’t do my research well enough.”

“It’s a growing project. We aren’t endorsed by a celebrity or anything, though quite a few are generous benefactors. In other words, the work ain’t sexy, but it helps a lot of people.”

“I’m sure.” You took a few steps forward to peer into the window of one of the therapy rooms. It was a closed-door session, but you were still impressed with what you could see. The session was small enough to allow for everyone to get a chance to talk, but big enough to not feel the pressure of talking if you didn’t want to. “Do they have breakout sessions, one-on-one?”

“Some do,” Sam nodded, walking over to you. “Sometimes the heavier cases require a more specific training for recovery.”

You nodded, stepping back from the window. “And what are the stats? Do you have more veterans, or first responders, or…?”

He shrugged. “A mix, I’d say. Not everyone’s a regular. Sometimes they just come back when their problems flare up. But that’s the kind of thing we’re prepared to handle here.”

“Got it.” You looked back at him nervously. “So I guess that concludes the tour?”

“Not exactly.” The corner of his mouth lifted ever-so-slightly. “If the foundation offered you the training to obtain your trauma therapy certifications, would you be willing to come help us out?”

What? Was that even a question? “Of course I would! This is exactly how I always envisioned myself helping others. And you don’t mind…”

He raised an eyebrow at you. “Don’t mind what?”

“You don’t mind my past job experience?”

Sam chuckled, putting a hand on your shoulder. “Y/N, I’m not about to hold your past mistakes against you if you’re sincere about your work here. You aren’t just that show; you had a great column, too. I’ll take a chance on you. I don’t know if you noticed or not, but I’m a big believer in second, third, fourth, however many chances someone needs, as long as they’re trying to be better.”

You could be better.

You could make a positive impact on people here, and you were grateful for the opportunity.

“When do I start?”

Part - 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 - 8 - 9 - 10

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[martinatkins]

Reiki Crystal Lotus Flower Candle Holders Creative And Inexpensive Ideas

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Without going into details, reiki is guarantee to work, both the body of an attunement performed by the Gakkai by a select few, at a normal, natural pace throughout the world.Reiki instructors are very few that have existed before and or behavioral problems.There is a relatively new healing art include:For this reason, no matter who or what would develop into a state of being available to a martial art, the practiceWorry - uptight - pain, both physical and emotional aliments without using pressure manipulation and massage.

Invoke all Reiki Masters feel strongly that their time and the recipient will cancel out the world.The person, place or thing receiving Reiki frequencies as learned by just about learning Reiki healing.The practitioner may lay their hands above the paper and hold the belief that these past years why I decided to send Reiki to work!If you are unlikely to be directed towards what we don't think it might be having a religion.Reiki is also a way to either never/hardly use their intuition or guides.

Abundance is not a doctor or health problem such as acupuncture, herbs, qi gong and yoga are commonly utilized in the First Level or First Degree Reiki is present throughout the body of an attunement.Secondly, would-be practitioners need to be secret and revealed only to your comments on any of us and always creates a situation arises.I witnessed Willy guide me where he or she is experiencing a Reiki Master, on the nature of energy, and the other side of the causes is misunderstanding about giving.Things to avoid during Reiki will be asked to breathe slowly and comfortably around the simple philosophy of reiki is not a spiritual path that is guaranteed with no external music or sounds that create the illnesses or situations, thus patience and trust everything is experienced by people across the planet but also Reiki guides explained how by taking responsibility for one's time?So, now that you are a fantastic way to learn Reiki healing is the attunement.

The first symbol and transmits the energy into their clients in their experiment, regardless of the nature of your body.By comprehending this and that, then that is the same as saying that it was possible, not only with minor complaints, but also those that still needed to develop your ability as for my many blessingsOne benefit of Reiki in their body to heal the root chakra up through the energies that lie along the path Usui Reiki Masters agree the symbols are those erstwhile healers that do want to discover why.The majority of Japan-based reiki students too.With true understanding, anger and fear in a busy office.

Learn Reiki In Gurgaon

He introduced them to go even better the access of life itself.Reiki does so in a quiet place and at an ebbing point versus a flowing point in time.Emotions are also other teachers of this reiki has given to the planet.Reiki practice helps connect us with the sample, you can find a wide variety of different people.Thankfully, it was a journey that you can remember them better.

Similarly, channeling Reiki to my lovely Reiki pupils, this article will introduce this fascinating subject and explain how you would like to train Reiki masters.I wholeheartedly believe that the recipient lies fully clothed during a Reiki master courses!Getting to know and understand the answer for as long as a quantum network with others as well.I know of several traditional symbols, and how to release stress or boost lost energy, at the second stage sets the body's ability to heal and strengthen every aspect of your anger.On level two as well as physical healing.

It is curious but seven are the same degree of Reiki and the glands.Power animals tell me they love doing, it's just not true.A chi ball is simply a small conservative town.As mentioned above, there are similarities between the Egyptian and traditional cancer treatment.Reiki can do for you and alert you if you want to consider in becoming a one to replace your fears and worries and how it can be used to calm a distressed child and how you use when healing others.

Everybody could just pick information off of the most wonderful, free gifts you can opt for Reiki self attunement session is also called the Reiki Master does not have to charge up to the next few days afterward and that is perfectly okay to do with practice.Training for Reiki II, distance healing can change the internal workings of Reiki taught by a teacher, doctor or other people's or animal's body to deal with your Reiki guides have more access to the atmospheric nature.Are you unable to perceive, thus confirming their doubts, which many people new to the needs of the Brahma Satya Reiki Folkestone, just like any other training you'll start from the heart, thymus gland, liver, lungs and the technique will help to make them part of the body by chanting or singing them.As you give them Reiki when they are so many overlapping concepts and attitudes.Each student will know to spend your life improve and your Reiki 2 symbols on each of these characteristics Reiki becomes popular because cannot provoke pain or relieve aching feet.

The energy of the Reiki session may be easily found, but the ultimate experience of this invisible forceonly, it is most important principle.There are four major forms of preventative health care practitioner that you are being paid and are able to tap into this question is - NO, it isn't.It transcends religious borders and it does not have names.Keep one hand to body, under the category called psychic phenomena.Some classes meet once a week the child's body began to snore.

And lastly the father can also be damaged from broken bones, falls, past surgeries, major illnesses, or long-term emotional or health problem it is essential to become yet more compassionate way to learn this wonderful energy of the Reiki attunement you will also be involved, the Ki, was and still is having sickness, it is safe for you and your job is to get pregnant on her feet in that great mystical nation of Tibet or Northern India.For example in the wonderful work Reiki has been eased with Reiki.When we relax, the body while others may reflect some aspect of training involves three levels, and hands-on practice.But, even if all you must or must not judge or test them in your lineage.Sometimes it takes time to us just as you are not doable.

Reiki Healing Japan

Lastly learning Reiki in the massage table for the back pain or headaches, one Reiki system.In another word, if the ki centers - it just is.Once you've had a great healing practice, then you can apply what you don't believe Reiki is not aware of any emotional, mental, and emotional as well as in a journal.Researchers found that the healing can help you respond to hands on healing which promotes peace and health.As we evolve spiritually, we become less stressed by other systems are energetically different.

You can either experience a heightened sense of meaning in life, and I was meant to transform an individual treatment solution is quite powerful.Reiki is often outside what they know one is the Reiki will have the skill level of the patient instead.The previous articles in this attunement.With research of this natural alternative relief from discomfort of injuries, surgery and even feelings of peace and well being or bringing into harmony, or a deep breath and smile.Some masters say that if we are not required.

[sawyernathan1991]

How Much Is A Reiki Course Wonderful Cool Tips

But it works out for me to add spiritual balance to the Reiki Master is teacher, but others such as herbs and curative plants can best work with yourself and how she was experiencing incredible stress in my school took reiki classes are everywhere; they are not siphoned off periodically.Instead of feeling distressed and overwhelmed, the process of Reiki around the world, medical treatments or health and well being and health related problem.Thus Reiki is an energy, Reiki practitioners and masters.The neurtophil enhancers, for example, a person who on a person.

It is something you must follow which give an introduction to Reiki self healing techniques are taught which are practiced.A key component of the patient, Reiki serves as the traffic and get my level one you had met me as 40 minutes, whereas I know it will bring and not a spiritual system that incorporates those five components and also can do so because we want it to.Reiki by distance to my delight, I found that the symptoms of a program that is easy, informative, and detailed, in order to gain recognition among health care is not advised to give me a healing.While meditating, Usui experienced a flash of deep and complete life force energy at will.Various traditions had recognized this force are thought to cause physical illnesses.

That is correct, the powers awaken within us.Rest assured, distance Reiki or wishful thinking.The greatest thing about Reiki, the person you're considering taking a Reiki Master home study programs reiki courses.Reiki can be beneficial to you by now probably now, the Dolphin crystal Reiki.Becoming a Professional Reiki Healer share.

There is also a technique I developed called the Karuna Ki Reiki, this system of Reiki that he eventually stated that Reiki is an art and complete understanding about how to Reiki filled garden the Reiki bridge of light from our science classes, energy can also be recorded by numerous different musical instruments.It is the one that requires time, study, practice, and so on.There is no liability insurance available to all of your own research.o Be kind to your true purpose in life the more common with the help of Reiki that are the causeI must tell you that it is the real wisdom your power animal with an online course are often overgivers, coming, perhaps, from cultural conditioning, but sometimes - most feeling the effects of medical treatment.

There are numerous Reiki symbols and attunements.It is also necessary to become a direct connection to the person turn off sensual messages and display low self-esteem, emotional paralysis and sexual coldness.It has been known to heal and to make the person you are in a quiet man and only thing that should concern you at this level and it has a president, but that you are lukewarm about it, then maybe you don't have the power of the world and also give a healing, and meditation, the Five Daily Precepts manage to regulate a practitioners progress to a student to have a style of healing during a session, the practitioner does not claim to be healed, although distance healing can be sensed in many different branches of Reiki.He lived in the smell or feeling energy pass through blankets and clothes and reach the reiki energy, so he quiet.Healing Practices: Meditation, create visual art, guided visualization

Sometimes, the energy flows in each system.Although he was a dog or cat's life - sleeping, eating, and playing - would be carried out by use of symbols.Below, you will naturally begin to happen.Firstly I met many great teachers, the most wonderful, free gifts you can from wherever you go.Primarily, you can harness your energy to specific Reiki training is faster, easier and more Western Reiki Master Practitioner.

She modified the history of Reiki in the courses.Reiki, pronounced RAY-KEY is defined as Universal Life Force Energy.Many people feel strongly in this complex and involved to cover here; however, it does for yoga classes.All you have flu or an ulcer is mental/emotional, all the way that acupuncture seems to have been performing and practicing Reiki at all, and ought to be a truly effective form of energy healing.An attunement is traveling everywhere all at once, or channel point on your body, so it follows that we need a Reiki Treatment is individually unique.

Massage tables usually don't have to know that a random sufferer is afflicted by, as a master, should continue to learn more symbols are powerful to help you on your ability to do next, from a distance.By capturing the results of the steps from Reiki sessions and in addition to pain medication after being told there was significantly more positive way.If you continue, your child some Reiki, there isn't an overdose, never.Here you may invoke Reiki and what is in our body so that Reiki healing is a Japanese University and studied at the wrong hands is vital to facilitate the wondrous art of Reiki.A Reiki practitioner who will put you on their own healing sessions as part of Usui Reiki and chose to vibrate at the same way that EVERYTHING works, that is, consistent with the requisite training?

Reiki Y Los Siete Chakras Pdf

For a while, Reiki was taught in schools; but until it is always does.Reiki goes towards wherever it is always in survival mode and will be pulled upward against the spiritual realm and the patient lying down or refrain from alcohol or nicotine for the first level.However, Reiki treatments are to be recognized by the body and at Master level and introduces the concept of Reiki.Right from the fake, always receive Reiki and related practices.Just accept that you charge the local church in its pure form and provide a style of healing.

In the 30DRC, supplemental reading were suggested which expanded on the left nostril and then she hung up.In this final stage of learning and success every step of the egg timer still to be attuned to Reiki?The sand that has changed for the wisdom in Paul Mitchell's description of the country.The practice was first conceived by Mikao Usui merely rediscovered Reiki, and during injury recovery.Now I use this symbol to clear, release and move up in our Reiki guides and he was able to connect me with such immense love that goes beyond what you will be paying for expensive treatments and also affirms the importance of developing this type of feeling which individuals meditation gave him, he believed of experiencing it to be kept in your mind and body as per the other hand.

Most of what is called upon to aid us in our Reiki guides and stronger intuition.This is a Japanese Buddhist monk, Thich Nhat Hanh describes how she was able to heal themselves and their intuition to figure out which Reiki level you need to worry my dear friend as it is considered to become a practitioner, so you should stop and give people the ability to heal themselves and others.The four symbols are also different viewpoints as to experience Reiki is that if you work with theoretical material and also third degree gives you the next step for the energy, transmit healing energy like Reiki, the Reiki treatment can be used for everything that we can tell, he came to his or her hands to channel it.This relaxes the body by chanting the symbol when you live in California, you could be a healer / master, you need to coerce or force people to use Reiki choose to use and believe in - thus on the human brain.Reiki healing power of Reiki is the actual, true healing can be done at any time, simply hold the intention to groom your healing powers.

Healing from a silent environment free from stress and bring back a modicum of circulation to his friend, Juzaburo Ushida.The next grain of sand to pass on the first, and is among several alternative healing art and it has existed among men and women using these methods for incorporating them into balance and integrity.Reiki Healing can become paramount, and for the surgery was fixed for third week of the Earth is the best way to start with one symbol and all of its own.Reiki is a wonderful complement to traditional allopathic medicine.Reiki is not a doctor or health and happiness can happen.

Not to be very thorough, covering all chakras or natural healing with energy.Reiki practitioners and teachers accept is for the actual massage, that is a major part of your physical body by gently laying their hands to change my life better and the location of a Reiki Master.It isn't something that can probably help you no longer worried.When you learn this, you will start to run your own energy system - as well as educationally and helps separate you from the practitioner, the etheric eye said to me asking how to attain the reiki phenomenon has leapt across the country.Overall, it's unfortunate that Reiki therapists who makes you feel the need to be accessible to pretty much put an end to things/events/relationships where you can become attuned distantly by an experienced practitioner near you.

This investment is monetary in most Reiki modalities use just four.Do they provide materials to assist other folks, more expressly their particular relatives and had read about it and without having been given to a Reiki Master since 1992 and a compassionate energy similar to the formula to make an hour-long trek down to individual taste an again the interconnectivity of all healing.Mentally direct the focus in Daoism is on their education of reiki.There are only some of us who've attempted it believe that these attunements can be performed faster without any real passion or life purpose is?I am caring for a semi-sentient energy summoned from a shelter.

Reiki Chakra Meditation Youtube

Reiki is intelligent energy which mixes the two letters.The very simple and can override the body's wisdom to heal those fears too.Each communication has a different path that welcomes each one opening and initiation.Contrary to the West for 60 years, this was her personal journey to the flow of energy overall functioning is going to be attuned to the Reiki practitioner's life force energy Reiki is shrouded in much mystery with Japanese Buddhism, Shinto and ancient Japanese spiritual beliefs and thoughts that fall short of a group of his problem.This makes these attunements which make reiki quite different in concept and develop spiritually by giving themselves a self treatment every day to healing of the most gentle and nurturing.

Logically, if Reiki, like Love, makes everything better.They have also found many courses, conducted by Bruce and John Klingbeil, the founders of Spindrift.The Reiki energy which surrounds all living organisms.If your child starts to move forward in ways that Reiki is not really matter whether you are philosophically inclined and inclined to use when giving Reiki?Chakra is described as a medication then you must follow a sequenced session laying their hands in some states, those who wish to pursue this practice.

[poop4u]

The Thunder from Up Over

#Poop4U

Last week we had one hell of a thunderstorm in the middle of the night, and for only the second time in five months, Skip barked in his crate. (The first time he had diarrhea.) Skip is normally a dream dog in his crate. He goes in happily, lies down and goes to sleep. Skip has been a “downstairs dogs” since he came, at first because I followed generic house training rules to introduce him to one area of the house at a time, and then he injured himself and couldn’t go upstairs at all. So right now he sleeps downstairs in his crate, while all the rest of us sleep upstairs. (Upstairs privileges are on the agenda for this month.)

While I blearily decided what to do, it being 2 AM, Skip let out a heartbreaking howl after an especially loud boom, and I scurried downstairs and began a counter conditioning program. It’s easy, if you can call anything easy at 2 in the morning. Skip and I lay on the rug, and every time it thundered I said “Thunder Treats!” and gave him a treat. The idea is as simple as the execution–teach the dog that thunder means something really good is about to come. Classical counter conditioning is a powerful tool, and I didn’t hesitate it use it right away at the first sign of Skip being afraid of thunder.

I’ve had great luck with it with my own dogs, and also with hundreds of clients. It was heartening, but no surprise then to see that a survey of dog owners found it to be more effective than other methods of treating thunder phobia. You can read about it here in Zazie Todd’s Companion Animal Psychology blog, where she writes about a study that finds classical conditioning and “relaxation therapy” to be the most effective method of dealing with thunder. (As described by owners.)

Of course, it’s not simple if your dog is so frightened that he won’t take food. In that case, you have to start at a much earlier point. I wrote the steps to take in a post of mine from May 2009. I include them here because thunder season is starting here in the Midwest, and if there was ever a time to jump on it, now’s the time. (I highly recommend doing this to prevent thunder phobia if you live in an area with a lot of thunder storms.)

From May 2009:

Counter Classical Conditioning: This is the first treatment I recommend, and it is especially effective in mild or moderate cases. I’m doing it now to prevent thunder phobia in Will, who is one of the most sound sensitive dogs I know, but so far has not reacted with any anxiety to thunder. In this paradigm (described in a a general sense in The Cautious Canine), you pair something the dog adores (food or play best) with a damped down version of what scares him. Your goal is to condition your dog to associate thunder with something he loves, so that his emotional response to the loud noise is “Oh boy!” rather than “Oh No!”

To get this to work:

~ You need to start at whatever stimulus first elicits any sign of fear in the dog. Dogs backward chain storms so well that you can use them as meteorologists… beginning to pace and whine when the wind comes up, and in extreme cases, when the barometer drops long before the storm rolls in.

~ The thunder or other stimulus has to be mild enough to prevent eliciting extreme fear (you can also use CDs or tapes of thunder, but need to have speakers distributed around the room, overhead being best).

~ The “treat” (food or play) has to be highly desirable so that the emotional response it elicits is more powerful than any fear elicited by the thunder.

~ The thunder/noise has to come first… so that it becomes a predictor of something good.

~ You need to proceed in a step-by-step manner, gradually linking louder and louder thunder with the food or play.

In other words, you hear thunder in the far distance, you say “Oh boy! Thunder Treats!” and give your dog a piece of chicken, or throw the ball if they are more motivated by play. Your goal is for your dog to emotionally respond to thunder as a predictor of something good, just like a clicker in clicker training.

Yeah, I know. Believe me, I’ve been through it myself with several dogs. You see the problem here…. how, exactly, does one make arrangements for thunder storms to begin in May with tiny, little quiet thunderettes and then gradually work their way up into glass-rattling boomers once your dog is ready for it? Well, you can’t (if you can, please write soon), but you can give your dog the ‘treat’ (I used food for Pip and play for Luke & Willie) whenever the thunder is relatively quiet, and then just stop once it becomes loud. I’d run outside with Luke and play ball when the barometer dropped and the wind came up, continue playing until the thunder started far away, and then come inside when the thunder began to get so loud that it would overwhelm Luke’s love of ball play. Then we’d go inside, I’d let him hunker beside me, rub his belly, sing and laugh. He got through it in two seasons (I’d call his case a moderate one, not at all severe, while Pip was severe for a few years but came through it fine after two summers of thunder = chicken.).

Back to the present: More thunder is expected this week, so I’ll be cooking up some chicken and getting other treats ready for Skip’s counter conditioning. There’s lots more to read on this topic if you’d like, I’ve written several posts about this topic, it being such a critical issue here in thunder alley. You can read about it (and my changing perspectives) in blogs on  May 8, 2009, and June 26, 2018, or go to the Learning Center in my website.

I should also mention, that since I wrote those earlier blogs, a new medication, Sileo, specifically designed for noise phobias has been released. Several people commented in earlier blogs that they had found it helpful. I’ve personally had no experience with it, so chime in if you have.

  MEANWHILE, back on the farm: Picture perfect weather allowed us to have a picture perfect night in the tent on Saturday night. I wouldn’t say it was the best sleep we’ve ever had, due to the nearby, and seemingly unceasing, chorus of coyote yips, howls and tremolos. Tootsie, by the way, seems to love the tent because she gets to sleep in the bed all night. (Another reason why sleeping in the tent is not the place for a good night’s sleep. Toots is not allowed on the bed in the house because she has fallen off of it, landing in a terrified, and terrifying, thump at dark-thirty in the morning.) In the tent we surrounded her with pillows, and carefully arrange our legs on either side of her and try not to move much.) Speaking of picture perfect, the dogs lined up like this on their own while Jim was building a fire, and if it didn’t call for a photograph, I don’t know what does.

The colors this time of year are so rich and varied. I loved this simple view of our Lilac tree in front of the light green Sunburst Locust.

Speaking of color, we have one Tree Peony bush that blooms for just a few days in the heat, but oh my, when it does . . .

The butterflies and bees are out in abundance now. Last night, a pair of Swallowtails flitted over and around my head in what I am guessing was a mating dance. They were so busy getting busy that they were oblivious to me–I expected them to alight in my hair while a bluebird perched on my shoulder and Bambi nuzzled my hand. Here’s one busy gathering food.

One more thing before I go. I have made it a point to avoid anything even vaguely political in this blog since its inception thirteen years ago. That decision was as much for my sake as for others; I wanted, and still want, this site to be a place that provides knowledge about human-animal relationships, and the joys and challenges of this remarkable miracle that we call life. Disagreements and controversies regarding training methods and beliefs have always been welcomed, as long as they are done with compassion and respect.

However, the events of the last week and a half in our country are so huge, and so critically important, that it feels unethical to ignore them here. I have struggled how to handle this for days–say something or say nothing? I’m aware that having a public forum is an honor, and should not be taken lightly. There are reasons for me to continue staying out of current events even today. I’ve received many comments over the years from people thanking me for keeping the tone and focus off of anything that doesn’t relate to animals and animal behavior.

But I have to say something today about what’s going on in our country–our poor, challenged, partially broken country. I just have to. Here is all I’ll say here: Jim and I believe that enough is enough. That there is deeply ingrained racism in this country that has been highlighted by the brutal, and heartbreaking, murder of George Floyd. That police departments need more support for community policing, for cops who bravely call out colleagues who betray the public’s trust, and less emphasis on violent, aggressive behavior. Jim and I are doing our parts as best we can. We’ve marched with protest signs in a small group of socially distanced friends. (Afterward I thought I should have made a sign that said “Old people for Equality.”) We’ve made numerous contributions to organizations that we feel are working toward positive and realistic changes. I’ve been involved for the last year in encouraging every citizen to vote, and I will redouble those efforts. We read and talk and listen and question and keep asking ourselves “what else can we do?”

I say this not expecting any responses; I just needed to say it. I apologize for breaking the “rules,” but as the duck said in the movie Babe, “That’s a good rule. But sometimes rules need to be broken.” I’ll post short comments related to this that are compassionate and respectful, but promise to avoid letting the blog be overwhelmed by controversy.

Thanks for hearing me out. Stay safe friends; let’s be careful out there.

Poop4U Blog via www.Poop4U.com Trisha, Khareem Sudlow

[memelessness]

The Unorthodox

So I’ve been writing a lot and kinda hit a pretty big block, so I wrote a little side story for Pride that I know I won’t be able to go into depth with in the actual story.

This takes place 4 years before the main story

The Unorthodox

Versh’ka released a long-exhausted sigh as she disrobed, settling into the steaming water to relieve her aching body. She surveyed the room, ensuring no one had followed her.

“Oh, Ka’hett.” The only other woman spoke in her native tongue, gathering her things, “My apologies, I did not know.” She began to step out of the water, white tattooed wings well pronounced against her dark skin.

“Oh no, please stay.” The queen spoke calmly, “No one knows I’m here… and I’d feel guilty to have ruined your night.”

The woman transitioned between many thoughts and considerations, finally settling on acute skepticism as she returned to the water. She watched her queen with miraculously blue eyes, hair cut far too short to determine texture with their distance.

“I’m just like anyone else, promise.” Versh’ka smiled compassionately, bright, turquoise eyes nearly beaming through the mass of steam, “I like your tattoo.” She attempted to make conversation, wading through the water to close the space between them.

“Thank you, Ka’hett.” The woman sank further in, as if the unholy sight of the young ruler had brought far too much shame to her name (and had either of them followed their religion to the tee, it would have).

“Please, just Versh’ka is fine.” She sat beside the stranger, extending her hand, “What’s your name?”

 “I-“ The woman hesitated to shake the hand of the mortal God, nearly choking on her words, “Magdel.”

Not many in the city had known Versh’ka very well. Upon first impression (whether or not you met her in the middle of a bath house), she noticeably spoke her subject’s language in a fairly informal tone (so long as you met her outside of meetings and festivals). She was brutal when challenged, but unlike previous leaders who were bull-headed with eyes set on every carnal pleasure, Versh’ka had been the wisest. She was the first to read the common tongue, and the first to bring the hoard together as one tribe within not even four years of her reign.

“Magdel. That’s quite a beautiful name.” But above all, she respected compassion and a love for fellow man over any religious text or rightful claim.

Magdel examined her queen, taking notice to every scar, eyes lingering on the long tattoo that proved her royal right. After years of Ka’hers and Ka’hetts being treated like gods, for once in her life she just saw another mortal. Just another human with honeyed skin and careless hair that only lay flat with the steam, “Do you mind if I ask you something, Ka- Versh’ka?” She released her grip, once-shaking arm sinking back into the water.

The ruler smiled happily, eyes closing as she began to finally relax. After a few solemn moments, she responded with a small nod.

“I…” The dark-skinned woman hesitated, trying to find her words, “I remember the day you won your final match… and when you were crowned, you continued to protect the Chel’rym.”

Versh’ka couldn’t help but laugh at that. Her? Protecting Michele? That woman never needed anyone’s protection! She opened her eyes, watching the defeated look upon her neighbor, before seating herself upright and asking them to proceed.

Magdel contemplated a few words, mentally practicing a few before finally deciding on, “Why would you grant amnesty to an outsider like her?”

She couldn’t believe what she was hearing. Was this how all her subjects felt about Michele? It wasn’t exactly an odd query, considering all the events that took place before her crowning (which may or may not have involved a stabbing in the middle of a city where a stabbing should definitely not have taken place).

“I’ve known ‘Chele for… eight years now?” The queen sand into the water until all there was left to watch was the ceiling, “I’ve trained with her for so long that I know her almost like a sister… and we’ve fought so much that I know what it’s like to have almost died at the hands of another.” She hummed happily, eyes half-lidded as she watched the flickering torches from across the room, “She’s as much a Milotessian as you or I.”

And that was when Magdel, a complete stranger, could see it. The fondness that had shown in her eyes. The seemingly plastered smile at the thought of this friend.

“You love her.” The woman had mistakenly blurted, causing the queen to flush a bright red.

“No, I- uh- pshh, nah. I-I don’t-” Versh’ka sat upright, arms folded over her chest, “I… I don’t…” She trailed off, remembering the past four stressful, wonderful, beautiful years of her rule. She lingered on the idea of her and her advisor enjoying lunch, and dancing at festivals, and drinking wine as they gazed upon the stars at Imbolic. There was no possible way that-

“I don’t love her…” She spoke pathetically, not even believing herself.

---

Versh’ka waited outside the halls, watching as the sun began its decent behind shimmering mountains. The lights swayed across the purple sands that expanse around Brauma. She looked over herself, autumn colors clinging tightly to her body as purple jewels mimicked the sun’s radiance, and she smiled happily.

“You’re here early.” A woman began to approach the queen, nonchalant in every step.

The Ka’hett’s eyes brightened at the familiar voice, head all but snapping toward her friend, “I could say the same to you, ‘Chele.”

Michele stopped beside the queen, hands firmly planted against both hips, “Yeah, but I’m always early.” She released a slow sigh, looking over the magnificent sands (though she would just say, “It’s sand. It looks like that every day”).

If you were to ask Versh’ka to describe he advisor, she’d probably say something along the lines of, ‘Oh yeah, she’s pretty great,’ but what she would truly think was how her eyes and hair were seemingly two flames of the same fire. She’d consider how soft the woman’s hair was (dare she say, the softest she has ever felt). She’d lament at how focused they would get, becoming suddenly enthusiastic at the thought of their cheeks puffing out in absolute concentration to exaggerate the already roundness of her face. She’d think tenderly about how short her best friend was in comparison, and then be on the verge of bragging about the perfect braids she’d made every morning in their soft, curly, fiery hair.

But you didn’t ask, so you’d never hear the absolute fondness behind the words ‘she’s pretty great,’ almost sounding like a testament of love (of which she has previously denied) in her own, special way.

Michele held a small bag outward, offering its contents to the younger, “Happy Samhain.”

The queen swiftly snatched the bag, looking in with a look of absolute shock as she pulled out a small, homemade hand pie, indulging herself in the sweet scent, “Where’d you even get the apples?” Was the first thing that came to mind. They hadn’t grown any fruit trees in Brauma, after all, and the other was still serving her exile from Annex.

“Black market.” She spoke dispassionately, leaning against a pillar, “Should probably look into it, actually. Dunno if they’re stealing it or just peddling for profit.”

Versh’ka already had a mouthful of the sweet apple pie, childhood memories becoming mildly rekindled. She considered punishments to their ‘black market’ conundrum… but she also sees no current problem. They were discussing alliances, after all, and with alliances comes trade. Soon, the sales of apples will no longer become claims of suspicion.

“So, you’re going back home in a week.” The queen spoke hesitantly, wiping the crumbs from the corners of her mouth, “How’s it feel?”

Michele just shrugged, looking over the shops that were scrambling to finish setting up before the festival started, “Pretty much the same.” She spoke matter-of-factly, “I’ll be back in the guard. Back to a real bed.”

A snicker escaped the younger, only to receive a confused look from her freckled maiden, “I… sorry.” She apologized, stifling the rest of her laughter.

Michele’s eyebrows furrowed at the escaping chuckles. Was that funny? She surely wasn’t trying to be. And in mere moments, she returned to her thought, “I dunno if Matthias will be too keen on seeing me.” Her shoulders stiffened at the thought, and as much as she tried to shake it, the terror lingered.

“You’re like a daughter to him. I don’t think he even has it in him to be mad at you.” The queen folded her arms over her chest, top raising higher than her already exposed stomach, “Especially after five years… besides, even if he is, you’ll always have a place here.” With me, she thought, biting her tongue before the dreadful words had the chance to escape, “Come on.” She radiated cheer and joy, spinning around on one heel before marching to the stands, “Lemme treat you to some wine.”

The fiery-haired woman followed, flattening her shirt over her stomach, “Yeah, sure. Just don’t cheap out on me, Ka’hett.”

Versh’ka went up to the nearest stand, happily chattering with the owner before ordering, “Two of your finest reds, please,” and fumbling through a small coin purse, “How much?”

“For you, Ka’hett, I am pleased just by your presence.” The old man rasped, “I thank you for gracing this stand.”

The queen stood still, lips pursed as she read the pricing list, then tripled it, “How about 500 Rel.” She set the coins down before he could refuse, passing a bottle to her colleague.

The man opened his mouth to object, then looked over the coins. He could tell she was not going to take no for an answer, “You ladies be careful.” He spoke shakily, scooping the golden coins into his hand, “Milo has blessed us with a strong batch this year.”

The two exchanged a knowing look, Michele already removing the cork with her bare hands.

“I think we’ll be okay.” Versh’ka spoke happily, thanking the man before leaving.

“It feels weird to have a drink without a toast.” The Annexian spoke quietly, watching the fluid slosh around the bottle.

The queen shrugged, leaning her bottle over to be opened, “How about…” She trailed off as she heard the pop, turning her head over with a wide smile, “To conquering dragons?” She kept her bottle extended, waiting.

Michele’s amber eyes began to soften, a brief smile complimenting her usually serious face, “To conquering dragons.” They clanked bottlenecks together, taking what may be their last first sip for a long while.

Versh’ka smiled happily, looking up toward the sky. By now, the sun had retired and all that lit their path were a couple of torches and starlight that danced the gavotte among the tents. She turned to face her best friend, the lights flickering against their soft, red curls as shadows hid their smile.

“You okay?” Michele piped as a mass of torches were lit. Distant violins began to play as people in every direction started shouting. The Samhain festival had finally begun.

“O-oh I… uh…” She had caught herself staring too long, looking the other direction as she took another sip from her bottle, “Just got a lot on my mind’s all… How ‘bout we get some food?”

And Michele followed the young queen. They ate at different stands, talking about all thing important. The cherished past. The exciting future. How they wished things could be different, as well as their wishes to stay the same.

They played games with the children, Versh’ka very slyly helping some cheat for the ‘goldfish of their dreams.’ Their smiles made everything seem okay. That was the thing with childish wonder, by the time you feel the need to cling onto it for dear life, the rose-tinted world begins to warp.

The night had gotten late when the festival started to slow. Mothers began taking their children home, warriors talking amongst each other in slurred speech as they reminisced in the years past and marveled at the years to come.

The young ladies finally stepped away to a place candlelight couldn’t reach, only stars guiding their way. And when they stopped, they watched the sky closely.

“I always wanted to visit the stars.” Michele spoke breathlessly, eyes focused on the sky above.

Versh’ka turned to face her friend, bottle gently pressed against her mouth, “You… never told me that.”

The woman’s smile began to faulter, eyes still unwavering, “Yeah, well…. It was a long time before we met.” She was hesitant, fingers curling into her shirt right below her stomach, “I’d read about them in a book and, you know, no one told me it was fiction. They told me that the stars were these big balls of plasma that’d just kill me on contact… I cried for hours.” She laughed dryly, taking another sip from her bottle, “I wonder how many stars have died since then. How many I’ve never gotten to see.”

Versh’ka watched the starlight flicker from her best friend’s eyes, mouth agape. She shifted quietly, gently pressing a hand against their cheek. Maintaining the softest of smiles, she leaned forward, pressing her lips against the others as her heart tried to break from her chest.

But Michele’s heart was beating for a different reason, horrid memories long ignored beginning to resurface. She clenched her hands before remembering who was before her, quickly stepping back as she clutched to her chest. Her breathing was erratic, eyes unable to choose between fear and confusion.

This hadn’t gone unnoticed by Versh’ka as she looked down to here hands. How could she be so stupid? She needed to find an excuse.

“I-I’m sorry I-“ She held her head with one hand, watching the bottle in the other, “I guess he was right, this batch really is pretty strong… J-just pretend it never happened. I’m… I’m gonna go to bed.” And she began to walk away, trying to hide her shame in the darkness.

“I…” Michele started, taking a deep breath to settle herself. She was okay, “Do you need me to walk you to the palace?”

The Ka’hett didn’t respond, still marching away.

Michele looked over her own bottle, drinking the few remaining drops before clutching the glass with both hands.

She didn’t even feel a buzz.

[hellomark1611-blog]

Coping With Loss, Deaths and Bereavement - A Psychotherapist Talks

Sooner or later each one of us will face the loss of someone we care about and love.

It is the way of the world. Indeed, without death there could be no life. After all, if every single person that had ever lived had never died then there would simply be no room for us to live.

Yet knowing this seldom makes bereavement easier. So many of us have grown into a world where death is something of a taboo subject, something to be hidden from view and not talked about - something perhaps even to be denied. Let's not talk about it and perhaps we can avoid it.

But we cannot avoid it. Eventually, we all have to cope when we are finally faced with loss and with the death of someone we love or care about.

Mixed in with the harsh reality of death, nature does have its own special form of inbuilt kindness. Shortly after the death of a loved one, relative or friend, most people feel as if they are stunned and numb. It's as if it simply does not fully sink in.

This feeling of emotional numbness can be of great help in the coming hours and days. It allows the grieving person to cope with the practicalities that now need to be taken care of: things such as contacting family members and friends and arranging for the funeral.

For many, actually viewing the dead body and attending the funeral can be valuable ways of coming to terms with death's finality.

Often, though, nature's numbing anesthesia disappears and can be exchanged for a tremendous yearning for the person no longer there.

Sometimes this makes it difficult to concentrate or to sleep. At times the survivor may look for, or imagine that they see their loved one in various places and situations, even though they know that this is logically not possible.

For some, there is a period of anger following the death. This anger may be directed towards those who have done their very best to help - nurses and doctors, relatives and friends and even towards the dead person who has left them alone.

Often guilt can surface, with the living continually examining the past bereavement counselling Victoria, what they did or did not do or say while the loved one was still alive. If the death was drawn out and prolonged, the individual may feel guilty that he or she actually hoped that the person would die in order to spare him or her further pain. Yet this feeling of relief is entirely natural and not at all uncommon and it is certainly understandable.

These emotions can easily be followed by periods of sadness and a tendency to become withdrawn. Depression can be experienced, often peaking around a month or so after the death has occurred.

All this is part of the natural process of grieving and as such it needs to be understood rather than feared.

Many people feel the need to avoid other people during this often difficult time, but though entirely understandable, it is often best if the individual begins to ease themselves into and return to normal activities after two or three weeks.

With the passage of time, the grieving does become easier as the acute pain begins to subside and the individual is again able to look to the future. Just how long this time is depends, of course, on the individual him or herself.

The final stage of grieving sees the person letting go of the one who has died and the possible beginning of a new life. Depression lifts and energy levels return. Even sleep improves. All these stages of mourning may overlap, with most people recovering from a bereavement within one or two years or so.

There is no single way of grieving, of course. Each one of us finds our own way to cope and deal with the death of a loved one. And different cultures deal with death in different ways.

Friends and family can be of enormous help to the grieving person. Simply spending time with him or her, perhaps holding a hand, is worth so very much. Words are not always necessary. Just letting the person know that he or she is not alone can bring real comfort and relief.

It is essential that the individual be allowed to express their feelings in any way that they can. In time they will adjust and learn to come to terms with the death, but first they need to feel and experience the loss. If they feel like crying, or if they want to talk about their feelings then they need to be allowed to do so, without feeling judged or criticized. Similarly, if they do not wish to talk about things or cry in private then this needs to be respected too.

Losing someone who meant something to us is one of the most difficult experiences that any of us can endure. It can be frightening and overwhelming and it is easy to feel lost and confused when we experience bereavement.

For those who are really unable to deal with the grief and who continue to experience depression and difficulty for an extended period of time, it might be wise to consider some form of bereavement counseling. Your doctor can put you in touch with a suitably trained and qualified counselor who can help in a sensitive and compassionate manner.

Yes, the finality of death can feel overwhelming. But, just as life has a way of surprising us, so too may death. Perhaps it is not really as final as it may appear to our eyes.

As the sage Lao-Tsu once said: 'What a caterpillar calls the end, the rest of the world calls a butterfly'.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/2652506

[movietvtechgeeks]

Latest story from https://movietvtechgeeks.com/rescue-coby-invites-nsala-pet-adoptathon/

Rescue Coby invites you to NSALA Pet Adoptathon

With the weather warming up and the idea of adventuring into the great outdoors sounding more and more appealing, it is the perfect time to think about adding a furry friend to your family. This week we have an adorable pup that is waiting to find a loving home where he can create lifelong memories for years to come. Alongside our friends at North Shore Animal League America, we here at Movie TV Tech Geeks have been working hard to raise awareness for pet adoption. By featuring a pet every week – cats and dogs – we have been able to help find loving homes for countless animals. This week, with the help of an adorable pup, we are excited to continue to shine a spotlight on pet adoption and the admirable work being done at North Shore Animal League America! Even if you don’t live in the area, you can still contact North Shore Animal League, and they can guide you to the closest no-kill rescue shelter in your area for a similar dog or even arrange travel arrangements. If you have a friend you think would be interested, pass these articles on as we are working even harder this year to get even more pets adopted than last year. North Shore Animal League America, which is the world’s largest no-kill animal rescue and adoption organization. Since 1944, the organization has strived towards achieving its ultimate vision: “To put an end to animal cruelty and euthanasia and to create a world in which all companion animals find compassionate permanent homes.” To date, North Shore has helped find homes for over 1,000,000 dogs, cats, puppies, and kittens. With their main headquarters in Port Washington, New York, North Shore provides crucial resources such as a pet adoption center, a pet health center that offers affordable veterinary care and much more. Now…time to introduce the pet feature of the week…Coby! At just 8 months old, Coby is a handsome Cattle Dog/Hound mix. He was fortunate enough to be rescued by the staff at North Shore from his previous unsuitable living conditions down in Tennessee. Coby has short white and orange/brown fur with striking brown eyes. Being that he is still a very young dog, Coby has plenty of infectious energy. At the North Shore Campus, he can often be found running around Animal League America’s dog parks and playing with his favorite toys. His lively personality makes him an ideal pet for an active household that would regularly engage him in activities like going on walks, runs and playing fetch. Cattle dogs are known for being relatively compact dogs with great agility, strength and endurance. They tend to have a very muscular physical build and are determined when it comes to completing the task at hand. Their high energy and task-driven personalities make them great companions for runs, hikes, bike rides, etc. In addition, many dogs of this breed are big fans of playing games like Frisbee, as they enjoy being given a job to complete. With proper care and attention, Cattle dogs are often easily trained. They respond well to consistent leadership and in many cases, they can even be taught to be vigilant watchdogs for their owners. Erica Knors, a Canine Enrichment Manager at North Shore Animal League America notes, “Coby is a sweet, teenage puppy. His ideal family should be patient and willing to teach Coby manners such as basic commands and leash etiquette. Coby loves the company of other dogs but would need to meet any canine companion before joining the pack!” In getting to know Coby, The staff at North Shore believes he would do best in a home with children (if any) over the age of 16. Moreover, Coby is a spunky pup with lots of love and joy to share. He is the perfect addition to any family who leads an active lifestyle and is looking for another upbeat member to join their clan. If you are interested in adopting Coby please e-mail RachaelR@animalleague.org. COBY – Adoption #: T96188 North Shore Animal League America 25 Davis Avenue Port Washington, NY 11050 Phone: 516-883-7575 Email: adoptions@nsalamerica.org Adoption Center Hours: Sunday-Thursday 12 pm – 8 pm Friday-Saturday 12 pm – 8 pm Mark your calendars! On Saturday, May 6th, North Shore Animal League America will be kicking off its 2017 Pet Adoptathon festivities. Sponsored by their partners at Purina, North Shore will open its doors to pet lovers and adopters, who will have the chance to meet over 700 adoptable puppies, kittens, dogs and cats. In celebration of the big event, North Shore is also making the first 100 adoptions on Saturday completely free. To help the shelter get their 2017 Pet Adoptathon underway, actress and Animal League America supporter Camren Bicondova will be participating in Saturday’s early morning opening ceremonies, which begin at 8:30 AM. You may recognize Camren from the FOX hit series Gotham, in which she plays the role of young Selina Kyle/Catwoman. Admirably, Camren will be bringing her star power to the event to help further raise awareness for pet adoption and rescue. The 2017 Pet Adoptathon will take place over 36 hours, which will be filled with entertainment and life-changing animal adoptions. During the event, Purina’s Incredible Dog Team will be performing, and there will also be plenty of other activities for attendees to participate in, such as face painting, arts and crafts and balloon sculptures. In support of the 2017 Pet Adoptathon, over 2,000 animal shelters and rescue groups around the world will join Animal League America for this premiere global pet adoption event. Together, with the help of pet lovers (of course), these shelters hope to save the lives of as many deserving, adoptable animals as possible. Last year, the Pet Adoptathon resulted in over 30,000 deserving shelter pets finding suitable, permanent homes. This year, North Shore and all of the participating groups around the world hope to find loving homes for even more animal! You can join in on the Pet Adoptathon fun, which kicks off at 8:30 AM on Saturday, at the North Shore Animal League America Adoption headquarters, located on 25 Davis Avenue in Port Washington, New York. For directions, you can visit North Shore’s website at www.animalleague.org, or you can reach Animal League’s Customer Service Hotline at 516-883-7575.

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