#I'm not specialist I just have this shit | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

sherlock-is-ace · 5 months

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#oh wow...#i just had an oh shit fuck moment #wow #i usually complain about the one therapist i had in my entire life and how she wouldn't just listen to what i was saying #if it didn't fit her textbook definition of whatever she was thinking at the time #and how i talked to her about my anxiety and how that made me feel and she would only focus on how i acted #so the example i gave her was the one time i went into a shop to buy something by myself #because my mom didn't want to go in for me and arguing with my mom in front of the shop in public and then inevitably have to #go in myself either way was way worse to me #because of the embarrassement of arguing in public. the fact that my mom was gonna spend the entire walk home telling me how i have to #''just suck it up and learn and just overcome my anxiety because i don't have a problem'' or whatever #and then having to go into the shop where the lady had been watching me from inside the entire time how i clearly didn't want to go in #and possibly be even more awkward with teary eyes because of the anxiety and awkwardness i already bring to the table any day...#all of those things that were going inside my head were trumped by the fact that i did go in and did buy what i needed #although my heart was coming out of my chest the entire time... all that didn't matter to my therapist because in her words:#''if you had anxiety. you simply wouldn't have gone in''#which is ridiculous #but anyways... i just had an epiphany... that was masking wasn't it?#forcing myself to do something that brings me major discomfort to make my mother and the shop lady not judge me?#pretend i'm a normal human being just doing normal things instead of someone who's about to have a heart attack buying embroidery thread?#panicking the entire time because i wasn't prepeared and hadn't scripted the entire transaction in my head?#yet still going in and putting on my ''normal person'' mask to try to seem like i wasn't just dying seconds ago (and still was)?#isn't that literally what masking is?!#and the ''autism specialist'' ass therapist was like ''if you did it then you don't have a problem''#when i'm literally telling her how much of a problem it actually WAS?!#you know what's the best part about all this #that when i told my mom after i left that therapist that she didn't listen to me because [insert everything above]#my mom's response was ''well sometimes therapist will say things that you don't want to hear but you have to accept them''....#same woman who's always saying how much she hates therapists because they ''will say whatever and pretend they know shit''#ok so it's only The Truth when I tell you it isn't...

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naamahdarling · 11 months

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#got a cardio appt in the morning that's too early to sleep before and too late not to fuck up my schedule so that's going to be fun #and im worried about it #I'm only mildly worried about there being something wrong #but i am worried about getting on the 'furher testing' railroad because i have NO spare energy for more medical shit right now #im dealing with like 3 other specialists right now AND therapy and I don't have a car #and also i just can't do more than 2 appts a month AND deal with prescription bullshit and the inevitable clinic fuckups #just that much messes me up #i do not need more #god help me if something IS wrong because I absolutely do not have the spoons or the ability to deal with interventions #or god save me '''''lifestyle changes'''''' which they offer NO material support for but for which I need material support #ugh #i want to get this checked out but it had better be nothing just like last time #im also having one of those evenings where my hands are so unsteady i can't do fine work at all #but at least i got myself into the studio for a while even if i wound up doing something else

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an-assortment-of-forks · 8 months

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there are doctors there are hospitals there are specialists there is medicine there are systems in place so people do not have to suffer and be tortured under their own chronic pain daily and yet. they're all fucking inaccessible to the people who need it most!!! to what I would argue is most disabled people!! I'm so fucking done with the medical system.

#today is an absolutely wretched pain day that makes me want to not be here anymore but guess what!#wasted a whole year trying to convince my doctors I was in significant and disableing pain daily and the best they could do #is tell me to go to PT and to wait 6 months and tell them if it gets better #to prescribe some shit like gabapentin or otc pain meds and write me off #tell me they'll get new X-rays to see if it got worse by the summer #disability exists!! specialists exist! good doctors fucking exist!! somewhere!!! I'm sure!!#but here I sit. in excruciating amounts of pain unable to convince any fucking doctors of anything #and that year I spent pushing myself to the limit is wasted bc at the very end of it all only one guy listened to me #and he said no one in their giant ass facility could diagnose me #so I'm back to square one bc I got a new job which means new insurance and new doctors to try and convince again #I just want to be on disability so i can want to be alive again #I'm so frustrated and in pain constantly #what are people like me who have to work 40hrs to afford to live but don't have any family to rely on supposed to do??#just die? am i supposed to continue to work until im too disabled to move and be profitable unless i get lucky?#bc some fucking doctor finally decides to actually listen???#ive tried ALL THE DAMN TRICKS TOO. telling them a friend has it and thats how i found out. that my previous doctor was looking into it #etc etc #I'm SO done living like this i am exhausted.#and to know that i COULD BE HELPED. RIGHT NOW. is the worst fucking part #these systems are in place so people like me dont have to fucking suffer.#but i cant even do anything about it bc i have a cat.

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icharchivist · 1 year

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achievement: chronic fatigue officially acknowledged by a doctor with a "truth be told it's a miracle you even managed to drag yourself here considering how low your iron levels are, you should barely be able to move" mention, like hell yeah

#rubbing that at my relative faces who just called me lazy all this time like holy shit #i changed doctor recently bc my previous one would brush me off saying it's only in my head or bc of my weight and stuff #(which sucks either way but it's not even like i'm overweight she was just being awful)#and the few times i saw him before was for really big illness so it's the first time i'm discussing chronic stuff #and the guy now has a lead on how it'd be one major chronic illness actually #and he was just shocked at my iron levels #and the fact they are so low it means it's been dropping for years and i've been exhausted for years #and he also said 'you're not used being listened to about your health aren't you'#and i'm here. crying voice squeaking like. yeah.#probably said that bc major exhaustion + symptoms would have shown years ago as the iron level was dropping #so for it to be that low it means it's been ignored for years #anyway vindication. now working on finding a specialist to check it more in details #ichapersonal

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kenobihater · 4 months

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god really said "fuck this guy in particular" and that guy is me. bam. one million medical issues all at once. thanks man, my wallet is really loving your work, it was too full anyways 🫶🏼

#i kid. i'm still a believer despite not being able to convert yet (bc of The Maladies and life in general) but this is really feelin like a #book of job situation here. it hasn't affected my faith but if the big man upstairs could cut me a break i'd really appreciate it #i'm not even posting half of the shit that is happening to my health on tumblr dot com just know that it's a LOT lmao. i just bitch abt the #biggest stuff. like i've seen 3 specialists had too many drs appts and have to schedule more followups and new specialist appts #on the bright side at least everyone i've met w/ has been v nice & even super chill like my endo. fuck that 1 xray tech tho he was a freak #len speaks

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anaalnathrakhs · 6 months

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...i'm starting to wonder if i wasn't actually pretty often failed by the adults in my life as a young kid tbh.

#i'm always doubtful where to put the blame #in a morally neutral causality kind of way to be clear #because like. i dont know. if i was the adult. confronted to the opaque behavior of a child. would i have done better?#but also i can't help but think #why the fuck did they make me skip a grade (last grade of primary on top of that) when i was notorious for never doing my homework #and was incredibly inconsistent across topics #like i sucked at math. like ''needs to count on fingers to do a simple addition or substraction'' sucking at math.#like i never learned any multiplication tables sucking at math #like i never got how to pose divisions and still can't at age 18 because logicomathematics are completely counterintuitive to me #and just. the work was never done to make me Get It. my work or teachers' work who knows. but perhaps skipping a grade wasnt the solution #or like #apparently when i was three years old the pediatrician suspected smth was up with me #either autism directly or ''generally suspicious child'' we're not clear on that #but he told my parents. and everybody said ''we better test that'' and then. nothing. idk.#they filled a parental report of behaviors questionnaire for... adhd i think? autism maybe. and that's it. never fucking heard about it.#god. i just remembered my mom saying proudly they almost never put me in the nursery as a kid.#always either with a parent or family or a nanny.#and perhaps mother. you could have foreseen that a kid with no siblings no pets no kid neighbors no playdates. would end up socially fucked #i remember the teachers scolding late students and showing us that we were supposed to be in bed by 9:30 or something #and internally i was like BUDDY AT 9PM WE'RE HALFWAY THROUGH DINNER #MOM'S BEEN HOME FOR LESS THAN AN HOUR #and shit. i don't know. i was scared of the dark as a child. to the point that even with the compromise #of keeping the door ajar and lights in the hallway (which i had to fucking advocate for btw)#i still slept curled up in the bathroom on a towel sometimes when it got too scary #and i would cry and scream before going to bed. i would beg my mom for sleeping pills from a young age.#i would often find myself in the morning sleeping with my face smushed between the pages of the book i literally fell asleep on #because i read until my eyes gave out #and a couple years later when i got a 3ds i'd play at night and if my dad caught me he'd storm into my room and i'd hide under the comforte #and he'd punch a couple times and whisper-yell at me not to do that and go to sleep #it took until i was about 15yo for me to see a sleep specialist

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thethingything · 7 months

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oh yeah now I can add allergic reactions to the list of ridiculous shit I've experienced because of social anxiety.

we used to have allergic reactions fairly often in response to strong emotions (especially laughing a lot for some reason?) but it hasn't really happened in a while so I forgot it was a thing but earlier thanks to the perfect combination of both social anxiety and laughing a lot it happened again and like... why the fuck is that a thing

#personal #thoughts #🍬 post #if you google it you just get a bunch of stuff about people who don't like talking about their emotions #because people like to refer to that as being ''allergic to emotions''#but no I'm talking about an actual allergic reaction where I have to go take allergy meds for it #the only stuff I can find actually describing what we experience is from people with MCAS which we've suspected we have for years #but never gotten any actual tests done because despite mentioning it to doctors we never actually got any referals to specialists for it #but like it would also explain us being allergic to so much random shit

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raystie · 1 year

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wow my last post was in Feb so despite not really having a following here I still feel obligated to say I'm going through a Bad Time both mentally and physically rn I can't even be bothered to think about or play Yakuza or do anything really. not dead but I sure feel like I'm on the way there rn. won't be here for a while take care everyone

#ray txt #well if you really wanna know the tmi details I'm putting it in the tags because I love overshsring #short version is entered depressive episode couldn't regulate my emotions constant crying and racing thoughts and mood swings #eventually psychosomatic symptoms caused by anxiety gets bad enough I start also having health anxiety and freaking out that I had some #disease or illness and that I was gonna die #if you've ever had your body feel like it's dying because of anxiety it's the typical shit #chest feels tight and like it's being crushed and like I can't breathe #random pains all over sometimes muscles or stabbing pains across torso #random nausea sweating and constant loss of appetite but maybe that was the depression #anyway after multiple crying sessions and nights where I couldn't sleep until like 8am and my parents considering putting me in #psych rehab (idea got scrapped) I go see some specialists #they check my blood piss uterus (irregular cycles I only get it every 2-4 months for years now)#and x-rays and they tell me actually everything looks fine physically! there's nothing wrong anywhere they can see and all my Levels are #perfectly Normal and Average I don't have a disease or illness or deficit #so all those pains and suffering really was just psychologically manifested and my brain made it up #andi know it's true because after that visit the chest pain was a lot less Andi can breathe better now #wait but that's not the end of it!#the gyne thinks I could have PCOS but can't confirm so I get my hormones tested and turns out I have more prolactin than normal #that fool made it sound like I Needed to get a MRI scan to check the gland that produces it in my brain or whatever #i go see an endocrinologist who says oh actually the extra prolactin is most likely just from your psychiatric medications #turns out if you take those it's commonly seen to go up so I didn't have to get scanned #this was optional but he suggested I take cabergoline to lower it and also get my menstruation regular again #and that's what I'm doing now but I feel like I had forgotten what having a period is like after always going for months without it #Oh and then I saw a new psychiatrist. because I had serotonin syndrome before and my body reacts badly to medications I've taken #he suggests a sensitivity blood test which I agreed to IMMEADIATELY because I've spent almost a whole decade taking all sorts of meds and #none of it working out #I haven't gotten the results back but he also said SSRIs are out of the question #although I've tried a bunch of antipsychotics and (prescribed) ADHD medications and they didn't work out #really want this fucking test because taking a med and then getting blasted with side effects makes me feel like a guinea pig being #experimented on

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wolfpoets · 1 year

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legitimately mourning this summer. feels like i didn't do anything.

#like sure. i got a lot of things done. but i didn't ... do anything.#& also. even if they get their shit together for the grant. i'm going to have to turn it down.#the weather has already turned & i can't be driving back & forth an hour away on a dangerous highway in snow & freezing rain.#so that means working through the winter & going in the spring. which is ... fine. but i should've bit that bullet last month.#even though i couldn't have because i had to be available to run my mother back & forth to specialists every week. sometimes #multiple times a week.#& now i'm in full blown autistic burn out. so even the notion of having to interview for shitty jobs is just. god. kill me now.#fuck.

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straydogged · 11 months

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:( it figures, I finally got my shoulder back in place with the help of a supportive pillow and a heat pack to make the muscles relax, and now it feels like it might be slipping out again because I am no longer holding myself up by a pillow.

#the state of my shoulders is. every time I think too much about it I get stressed #idk how I'm gonna wear a backpack for school hahah #maybe I need to look into a shoulder brace or something. kinesthetic tape doesn't mix well with my skin; I've tried it and it's not worth i #I wish I had a doctor holy shit!!!!!#idk how I'm supposed to get one when the organization that is SUPPOSED to match people to doctors straight up told me #that I would have to go to multiple walkins with the same issue in order to be fastracked to have a proper doctor #guys. I have a complex multisystemic genetic condition that requires a joint effort by multiple specialist to properly manage.#which. by the way. it has not been. I have recieved zero support from my doctor who I saw when I lived in [redacted]#even after I was diagnosed! and she fought the diagnosis so hard and gaslit me constantly only for the geneticist to tell me that he was #without a doubt certain that I have hEDS. it took SIX YEARS to get off the waitlist for him.#sorry I'm getting off topic #I just. I need a lot more medical support than I can access and it scares me and makes me want to cry #I don't know how to manage or recognize when something is wrong with my body because of the gaslighting and the medical neglect #and the thinking my body was completely normal so never really questioning symptoms #:(#I need to stop before I make myself even more upset

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istoleludwigsbaumkuchen · 1 year

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My body feels like it's falling apart and I can hardly take it anymore

(Vent in tags)

#vent #aparently the guy who thought it was fine to call me a cripple because he had to wear a boot cause he sprained his ankle #said i was faking being disabled #Like dude #I wish i was faking this shit #constantly being in pain and having times where i am literally unable to walk unaided is not silly and fun #I've got a near constant headache and fear heatstroke every single time i walk home because of the heat #They're sending me to 3 different specialists to see if it really is just because of my arfid or not #I'm just tired man #I'm being stretched too thin and i cant do anything about it

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keepingthepeaceinouterspace · 1 year

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I miss when I was able to get good health insurance that wasn't just stupid

#I work for a company that owns a health insurer #And every year we continue to get the stupidest plans #The high deductible plan has a lower deductible than the other plan option #The non high deductible plan is basically just like 'nothing counts towards your deductible and fuck you if you happen to get an out of #Network provider. Oh shit I hope that ambulance was an actual emergency as deemed by us!!'#Like??? Your website sucks at finding providers. Get the fuck out of here.#Any ways I guess I'm going back to the high deductible plan and finding a way to navigate the system so I don't have to pay for every #Therapy appointment oop #Ugh I have to make a few more specialist appointments this year too. What a delight.