#I'm turning 30 in less than 5 months and I still have the same fucking social/relationship anxiety I had when I was 14 lmfaoooo

[fiendir]

I'm so fucking stupid, I really don't have a single fucking functioning braincell left

and if there is? then it is dedicated to making ne suffer

[canceramorem]

. So at this point in the love game I hadn't heard from the lovely Scarlett Marie. It was a hot summer that year too...

So July and August were horrible for me. I was still an emotional hostage of this women who came into my life like a category 5 Hurricane. Yeah she fucking had me in a whirlwind of bullshit from Asheville to fucking Fayetteville. Warrants in both cities for stealing like less than 20$ worth of items, i got bonded out on one and moved to catch a new one 30 counties away. That was in December and January, here it was , fucking late July and August. Between Asheville and Fayetteville I was playing " catch me if you can , I'm the fucking J Pizzle gingerbread man". I had identical charges in two different counties , four hours away from each other. One thing Jey Pizzle does not do is voluntarily turn himself in. And for people that do- you're stupid! I tried that one time in Florida, actually it was right after my daughter was born. You know what the "Honorable " Judge said? When I suggested turning myself in should be rewarded with a little leniency, that fucking asshole said , "well you should have done that any ways" , and then the fuck held me on a bond that I could not afford. Well its safe to say, that I will never turn myself in, nor will I ever look at a judge with anything but disgust. Only God judges me mother fuckers, A judge is nothing but a fuck- head cop with more earthly power than God. And do you know how much a judge makes a year? When they retire, they make fucking bank , like $250,000 a year AFTER they retire. And guess who pays for the Judges Salary? Yup, you got it right, Jon Doe and Joe Blow. Fucking fun dummies. The whole system is designed to make crazy money and pay these judges so much money, and they are usually fucking asshole smart asses too,. Try saying a word to one and the court cops will fuck you up. Yeah , "your honor"- go FUCK off. One time I was in a counselor/confidential type setting trying to fight my case using one of my trusted defenses. And I was not in a good mindset. I said something about the judge and something about an explosion, just wishing his house would blow up. That fucking counselor rat-bitch ran to the phone and next thing you know, The Marshall's came , threw me in a big black Suburban , and drove me two hours away from that particular judges "court" (like they own it - bastards) the next morning I was arraigned and they said i could get 48 months for threatening one of those cock sucking Judges! They ended up dropping it, because what most people don't realize is that if you are not sober, you can use the intoxication defense. These little bullshit charges were such a

pain In the ass. I would have to get back to Asheville from the "Ville " (Fayette) and I would lose all my good gear and shit because when they picked me up in the park there by Bartlett Arms, I had hid my stuff with Robins stuff. I brought her to Gary because she was looking to make some money , fucking trickin . Gary sends me to the store to get something , it was a fucking cock-suckin , cock- BLOCKING, setup. He didn't answer his door, had Robin in there and I was a sitting- fuck duck- there in the park. Two cops swooped in out of nowhere, ran my name and it was a wrap. Two weeks later, I was released, it was like this- i am arrested,

From there , about a week in Buncombe Jail, and then Cumberland county came to get me and I was out in like three days from there. Finally got the old little bullshit charges gone and done . But the events leading up to that ,well , it just goes to show just how strong the love curse Marie had on me is.

I wondered if I would ever see her again. It was like part of me was missing. I couldn't go anywhere or look at anything and not be reminded of her. It fucked things up in other areas as well. I was the laughing stock of all of my friends. They would team up and say , oh yeah, I just saw her car hopping up by Ingle's, I'd be across town somewhere trying my hardest to get to ingles, hoping I'd catch you. You weren't there, and people, just said shit because they couldn't love as much as I did you. But it was all just cruel jokes. You had left the state and I knew it , because , like I said, I had that empty feeling. And I honestly believed and still do, that we are twin flames.

Down on the French broad river, I was hanging out with Chris and a guy named Straps. Now Straps and Marie had a fling or something going. Before I got with her. I knew about it and it was all good . As straps was there with his new white girlfriend. Her name is Robin. Both he and Chris were trying to get rid of Robin, I guess they just got sick of her, I don't really see how. I mean , Robin was pretty cool. She really was. Like so many people that end up in Asheville, Robin apparently had been living in or from the Charlotte area. So had straps. His real name is Taquis (Tah-Qweez). He was in his mid Thirty's and looked like a young version of T-Pain. Its funny, because I love real gangsters , not posers. " Be true to yourself and you will never fail' . So straps as it seems is some sort of gun expert. Hence the street name ' straps'. You know , like when someone is "strapped " up. Etc. Supposedly old dude straps is known for his ability and knowledge of real -life guns, I guess pistols , I am not sure. I do know this - there are three things that Jey pizzle loves with a passion in life. And jeypizzle , when he likes something, he goes over the edge learning about it and mastering it.

1)- Español, or in English, the Spanish language. This is probably my most valuable asset. Spanish has not only-got me fed, got me paid, got me laid, got me out of trouble, its something that no one can take away from me, its fucking cool, I love it, I know it I really honest and truly am so fluent in Spanish, that I have had Spanish people roll out the red carpet for me. Yeah, I love Spanish. Me encanta Español. I'm an expert at it.

2. Guns- Ever since I was a little boy, I have wanted a motherfucking Ak- 47. I have owned dozens of firearms in my life and know how to pretty much build my own from stuff at the metal machine shop in any high school. As a matter of fact, I had to take a five hour hunter safety course when I lived in Missouri, just to get a deer tag to go hunting. My very first gun was a .22 short Ruger revolver, 5 shot side corral loader , it was black a had plastic white handle. I was 19 years old in Miami Florida, ( MIAMI NOT CHARLOTTE!). My buddy Dan gave it to me. He said if I didn't take it, he was gonna kill someone with it. I gladly took the pistol present. In the nearly half a century I've been alive, I have shot thousands of different guns. Never have I stolen a gun , nor have I ever disrespected firearms. Yes, I am a Marksman, and expert at target shooting as well. I just love guns. So when I got the chance to talk to The so called expert about guns, " Strap" - this fool, didn't even know the difference between a .22 long rifle or a .25 center fire cartridge. So we discussed Marie, I had to know every little juicy detail I could . He said he felt bad for her, and I believed him. After seeing straps in action ( trying to give himself a shot of some of the shit I cooked ). I knew that Marie was right. He most definitely had a head injury alright. Its called mentally challenged, wanna -be bad ass , wearing red -like a blood , but sporting a blue L.A. Dodgers hat ( arch enemies in the gang world). He was shaking uncontrollably and had what appeared to be having seizures or something similar, he was convulsing at the mere sight of what I consider "mediocre dope". Don't forget, Pizzle had mastered the art of the clandestine cookout, "Shaking" it up, with excellent yield. I use only the best ingredients, the shit they had for me to use was leftover dollar tree trash. Point is , he had threatened me one time when I was with Marie at Bartlett Arms , because we didn't hear him and his white girlfriend at the time , Lay Lay. They were at the gate trying to get in and he mumbled something to the effect , that he was gonna drag me. I didn't say shit, it was about 8 months or so prior. Straps, had nothing bad to say about my Boo Marie, or I probably would have mopped the train tracks with his head. Just because of the time he showed out in front of lay lay and marie at Bartlett. Anyhow, he's alright . I just couldn't believe that he actually like, had Marie , like hanging out with him . I am sure they fucked, but i dont understand why white , good looking chicks, not just Marie, why they buy into this bullshit story of him and his knowledge of guns and the street. Because as a real man, he couldn't fight his way out of a wet paper bag, I could beat him on every level.

The third thing in life that I have the most passion for is this woman , Yes, the same one who had -ripped my heart out, threw it on the ground , stomped on it three times , then put it in backwards, ripped it out again, and then puts it back in the right way and gives you a kiss on the cheek afterwards, while calling you 'Sweetie '. Yeah, that's what the pain of this heart break-separation/leaving pizzle/Marie takingoff/ - felt like.

We met at the most unexpected , and probably needed time in my life. I don't want this make anyone look bad, but yeah. I have a tremendous amount of passion for this woman, and only for her. I love you Marie. With passion, compassion, all ...

So after a couple days I was like fuck this shit, I need to have sex, It was hard for me to even talk to other girls because of the love curse and spell I was under. The truth is, that I was gonna bring Robin out of the river and up to Love Mountain, where Marie and I had stayed for a while, I had to do something, because it was so unfair what Scarlett Marie had done to me, I really, really am dying at this point. Dying heartbroken is horrible.

I mean , goddamn man, I was so worried about you, it literally made me sick , worrying about you. I didn't have any closure what so-ever. I wanted to know so much more about her , I wanted to grow old with her, and have good , normal , non- homeless times with Scarlett.

Mainly , I just wanted to know if what we had was real, because the feeling we shared was that of a 'Gone with the Wind ' type romance. The reality of the whole sordid , confusion, was that the only type of "romance" we had was "Bad Romance" (Lady Gaga song). 'Gone wth the wind 'feeling , but Lady Gaga- "Bad Romance " reality.

, Pizzle had it bad( lovesick/heartbrokeness), because their was no getting out of Marie's Love Curse , I say that because, here i was , literally with Robin, in the river , both of us naked, and maybe could have- fuck that- SHOULD have- had sex, but Jey Pizzle, was so infatuated with Scarlett Marie, that he didn't even do anything , but tell Robin that she had a nice body. Then gets dried up and dressed. And saves Robin from the river and boredom of being stuck there with nothing, by bringing her to Gary. So , yeah, pizzle really was faithful. Not even trying to do what the average man would have done, which is at least try to have sex with Robin. Instead, he does some things that a "fun dummy" would do. Making bad decisions in the name of love is fucking stupid. A man can get so fucked up in his head over a woman , that he might as well be a crash test dummy. Because he will be headed straight for a dummy mission if he thinks a woman really "needs " him.-Better off crashing into a brick wall head first. A fucking good time never hurt no one, yeah right , try being a fun dummy- you'll be blinded by the fucking love light, more like a fucking police flashlight as they are ruining your life, " in the name of love", while she's " making love " to someone else.Youre ass will be in jail , and she'll be under the bridge on Gillespie street in the Ville having threesomes with two dudes while smoking crack. You know how you can tell most women are lying, Their lips are moving! There are some Good ones out there though, and addiction shit ain't no joke for some people. I got some friends that have stay in TROSA. That shit ain't no joke . They have to be held accountable for every lie and all about how telling(snitching) is the way to quit crack cocaine. It's called "behavior modification" a two year rehab. What do you know about that?....

She left and I was so fucked up in the head, I had no game . and to make matters worse. I still had a lingering arrest warrant in Fayetteville , from when I was there the winter before. When Marie Boo and I were in our " misdemeanor outlaws" phase. Well, I had gotten caught stealing food, flashlights and whatever else she wanted. We used to go in anywhere, and whatever she wanted, I'd fucking get it one way or the other. It is wrong to steal , but she made it seem like it was legal to go "shopping " , which equates to shop- lifting. I got popped in Fayetteville while I was already out on p.r. in Asheville for the same shit- stealing, ( For My Boo). So, Marie did get me out..i n the past January, It was like 60$ or something, but the fact she got me out, well I don't think she even knows to this day, what I would do for her, which is ANYTHING! But I was gonna try and do what any normal man would do , which Is get laid. But i am not any normal man. As she once told me, "You're different from the others" . Well, you shall see how that works out for this "love fool", fucking fun dummy J pizzle...

[purplesurveys]

1885

What Happened In the Past Year?

How many relationships were you in? None. Haven't been since 2020 and I don't plan to change that.

What did you do for Valentine's day? I managed a Valentine's Day-themed event for one of my clients; my camera roll also reminds me that that same evening I went to Glorietta with my mom to try to find a gown that I intended to wear for a family friend's 18th birthday debut.

Did you receive your driver's license? I've had my license since 2016, so no. I didn't renew it last year either – that happened just a month ago since it only expired this year.

Did you graduate high school? I graduated in high school 2016.

Did you graduate college? Nope, that happened 2020.

Did you move out on your own? Nope, it'll be a while before I get to do that!

Did you get arrested? No.

Did you get a speeding ticket? I did not. Does anyone get pulled over for speeding in the Philippines ever? Haha but no that didn't happen and I fortunately never got pulled over for any reason last year either.

What was the best thing you got for Christmas? Airpods from my parents.

Did you fall in love? Nopes.

Did you become an aunt or an uncle? Nah, it'll still be a little while before that happens haha.

Did you have a baby? Definitely not me, no.

Did you get engaged? I did not.

Did you get married? No.

Did someone close to you die? Not really, but a childhood friend's dad passed away and I visited the family during the wake – my family and hers were definitely close during our younger years. It was the first time we met again after 15 years so to say it was a bittersweet reunion is an understatement.

Annoyingly small world, too – at that time my ex was a workmate of that childhood friend, so she also apparently was at the wake. Fortunately we never crossed paths as she was there hours before I was.

How many funerals did you go to? 0 funerals, 1 wake.

How many weddings? I knew a few people who got married, but I'm not close with any of them so I wasn't invited.

Did you turn 18? 7 years older than that.

Did you turn 21? 4 years older than that.

Did you turn 30? 5 years younger than that.

Did you have a car accident? Nah. The pandemic taught me to chill the fuck out so I definitely road rage a lot less – if not not at all. I'm super careful now even if it means being a bit slower and giving way a whole lot more.

Were you old enough to vote this year? I've been old enough to do so since 2016.

How many jobs did you have throughout the year? I got promoted twice in 2023 so that was certainly a fucking whiplash, lmao.

Did you get a new pet? No.

Did you get cheated on? Nope.

Did you cheat on someone? Also nope. I wasn't even in a relationship.

Did you start at a new school? No school for me anymore.

Did you make any new friends? Sure! All work people, but nonetheless all the new hires at the time were very easy to get along with and fun to talk to. Andi also introduced me to a few new people when we'd go to wrestling gigs, or, that one time, trivia night.

Did you get a new car? No, I'm perfectly happy with my current one.

Did you drastically change your hairstyle? Kind of. I mean technically I just re-dyed it back to purple, but it had faded to brown and I let it be brown for so long that the look felt completely new.

Did you go out of the country? Yeah, I had trips to Thailand and Malaysia.

Did you keep your last New Year's resolution? Sadly I didn't, because it was a particularly rough and draining work year last year.

What was the best movie you saw in theaters? I didn't watch anything in the cinema other than the theatrical screening of BTS in Busan, haha. And I loooooved that.

What was the best book you read? Probably just the official BTS memoir that came out that year which was also the only book I read in 2023.

What was your greatest accomplishment? Being able to save up for and plan a trip overseas for myself and my friends for the very first time.

What was the best CD released this year? Agust D, D-Day.

Did you get a new tattoo? No, and I don't have any tattoos.

A new piercing? Nope.

Are you still dating the same person you dated at the start of the year? I didn't date the whole year.

The Lasts of the Past

How old were you on your last birthday? I turned 25.

Who was the last person to tell you "I love you"? Angela.

Who was the last person you spoke to in person? I think it was my sister.

Who was your last missed call? Trina.

Who was your last phone call to? Also Trina.

What was the last movie you watched? My sister, dad, and I watched Moana a little over a week ago! I told them the sequel was coming out later this year so we thought of giving it a watch.

The last song you heard? Billie Eilish's Birds of a Feather is everywhere at the moment. I honestly don't mind though; I really like the song.

The last book you read? Becky Lynch's memoir.

The last place you went? I was in Glorietta yesterday for a few work things.

The last time you cut your hair? April.

The color of the last shirt your wore? Before my current one, my shirt was brown.

The last person you hugged? Anna, our newest team member.

The last thing you bought? I paid for my order of Muse, so there's that hah.

The last time you went to the doctor? Last month. Went to the dentist for my usual braces adjustment.

The last time you went swimming? Oh jeez, that I can't really remember. Swimming is so tiresome to me haha it involves so many steps and preps...maybe a year ago? Probably even longer than that?

The last game you played? RhyHi.

The last person's house you went to? I was at Angela's place last Monday to celebrate her passing the boards. And, unbeknownst to her at the time, I wanted to see her for the last time before she got proposed to.

The last un-related guy you hung out with? Hans.

The last un-related girl you hung out with? Anj, Reena. The four of us, essentially.

The last family member you hung out with? My sister.

The last movie you saw in theaters? I watched a snippet of You Got Mail when a client held a screening of it for Valentine's Day, but it was so deep into the story by the time I came in that it was hard to follow through and appreciate haha. I didn't spend too much time in the actual cinema and soon enough went back outside to check on all the events stuff happening there and make sure everything's running smoothly.

The last time you went to Walmart? We don't have Walmarts.

The last time you went to Burger King? We drove through one last Friday while on the way to Tagaytay.

The last time you went on vacation? Two weeks ago, to Vietnam.

The last restaurant you went to? Wildflour.

The last thing you ate? Seafood pasta.

The last thing you drank? Coffee.

The Firsts of the New Year

Who was the first person you kissed? Didn't kiss anyone then.

Who was the first person you told "I love you" to? I don't know...I don't think I said that to anyone during New Year.

Who was the first person you spoke to? I was with my entire family, so them.

Who was your first phone call to/from? My first call in 2024 apparently came from Bea. I have absolutely no memory of what she called for lmao.

Where was the first place you went? UP! January 1st, I dropped by and picked an isolated spot to watch the sun set from there as well. I had very weird, very restless anxiety coming into 2024 and UP has constantly been the one place that can calm me down like no other.

What was the first thing you bought? Probably food at UP, haha. I think I may have gotten street food? Or coffee? Can barely remember.

Who was the first person to wish you "Happy New Year!"? My family, to one another.

What was the first thing you ate? I have absolutely no clue. My mom probably made breakfast, so a good guess would be fried rice, eggs, and hotdogs.

The first thing you drank? I was drinking wine when the clock struck 12. I also dropped the wine glass and nicked my leg not long after, lol.

What color was the first shirt you wore? I had on a black dress since I had also actually come from an NYE street party event of a client. We were allowed to leave by around 7 PM, though, so we could be at home in time for the new year. I could have stayed and watched Red Velvet who were performing, but I do not always get my dad home for the new year. I was for damn sure going home haha.

What were the first shoes you wore? Idk it was probably my fave Onitsuka Tiger pair.

What was the first electronic (not computer or cell) device you used? TV.

What was the first movie you watched? No idea.

What was the first song you heard? I can't remember, but I think we had a New Year playlist going on on Spotify. We were probably listening to something that had the same vibe as Celebrate by Earth, Wind & Fire.

Who was the first girl you hung out with? My sister.

Who was the first guy? My dad.

The first relative? My entire immediate family.

What was the first thing you did when it became the new year? Watched the fireworks :)

What the Future Year Has In Store

What are you most looking forward to in the New Year? I had major anxiety going into 2024 because there was a bunch of work shit that was taking effect January 1st, all of which I was directly affected by. That said I needed a lot of distractions during the New Year and one of the few things I recall being excited about is that this is the year that Jin and Hobi were finally getting discharged, lol.

Are you getting married this year? No

Are you expecting a child? Nopes.

Will you be getting a new job? I was going to, because I had actually resigned for real at one point. But we worked around it and I'm still here and in a much better place, and with no plans to leave soon.

Will you be starting a new school? Nope.

Will you be moving to a new place? Not happening this year.

Will you get your driver's license this year? I did renew it this year, so that kind of counts.

Will you turn 18? Nope.

Will you turn 21? Nopes.

Will you turn 25? I turned a year older than that!

Will you turn 30? Not for another 4 years...

Will you turn 40? ...and not for another 14 years.

Are you going on a vacation this year? I already did. I'm done with vacations haha, it's back to work until the end of the year for me.

What movie are you most looking forward to coming out this year? Moana 2!

What book? None really.

What music album? Jin's :)

Do you expect to find love this year? No thanks.

Did you make a New Year's resolution? No. I was too depressed and anxious at the start of the year to make any.

Have you kept it so far?

Will you be going to a wedding this year? Nope! Not yet at least.

Will you get a new car? I am not.

Will you buy a house this year? Definitely not.

Do you expect to be with the same person at the end of the year? That's never the case, at least for me. I always come out of a year a little different.

Are you starting the year off single? Yes.

What do you most want to happen this year? Finding stability and satisfaction in my work. And going to more places I haven't been :)

What are you most excited about this year? My best friend's now engaged and idk how soon they'll start planning for their wedding, but I'm v excited to get involved and see how I can help!! :) :)

[vtgdog]

health vent

i'm very lucky i found a good PT literally 60 seconds from where i live who understands and respects CFS and is willing to learn about hEDS and help me with increasing my joint stability so i don't constantly pull things out of place standing stock still and maybe reduce my hip/knee pain etc. etc. but at the same time we still haven't found a good balance between making progress vs. triggering PEM and my health in general is taking a very bad turn since starting PT :( my POTS symptoms are a lot worse than they were before even though i'm working to increase my cardio endurance (verrry slowly... there will be someone three times my age just flyin by on the elliptical next to me without much perceived trouble meanwhile i can't go above 3 MPH (average walking speed for adults) without my heart rate exceeding 200 BPM right away and triggering my asthma and it still gets that high by the time i've done 5 minutes at that speed lol). in general my fatigue is the worst it's been in years. i've had to start using more aids to get anything done (cane, shower chair, impact mats, ergonomic kitchen tools, using chairs more often) and lately i can't even eat the few things i keep in the house that i can a) afford b) tolerate and c) prepare reliably. i've always had to eat slow but lately i've had to take several hours to eat meals that i used to take maybe 30 minutes to eat before (and those are the things that are most agreeable to my stomach) because my motility issues are so much worse than they ever have been, eating more than a couple bites makes me feel fucking awful but i also feel worse when i haven't eaten obviously. and i've started noticing that sometimes meals will cause my heart to start racing, though i haven't been able to pin down a pattern so i'm not sure what the cause is yet or if it's even anything i can control. my sensory issues are so much worse, too - it's gotten better with age to an extent, but i've also worked really hard to challenge myself to periodically try things i've not liked in the past and i've expanded my horizons quite a bit. but lately i've been averse to foods that are normally fine so much that it causes me full-body pain until it's out of my mouth so a lot of times i've gone to prepare something i normally eat and not only does it hurt digestive-ways but also sensory-ways so i can't eat it at all (or have to spend even more time picking out whatever is causing the problem and be on edge the whole time that i missed something). i had overwhelming sensory issues as a kid but i think i forgot just how viscerally bad it was lol. re: the motility issues i need to start eating smaller meals more frequently but that's even more time preparing things and i can't currently realistically afford many ready-to-eat foods that i can actually tolerate, everything i can scrape together needs to be prepared in some way (even if with just microwaving or boiling water or chucking it in a rice cooker). i can't even go to the store by myself anymore and i know i'll figure it out but with the few hours and little energy i have to do anything and the unreliability of whether or not i can drive anywhere myself (used to be like two or three times a month i would spend my best energy days to drive to the store, i've gone to the store one (1) time since starting PT in december) this is a bigger task than it should be and with everything else going on i feel like i'm in freefall... i'm very grateful i finally have a foothold to get into a doctor's office much less get them to maybe listen a little sometimes if they're nice and they feel like it. but it's been 13 years since i've been saying something's *really* wrong and while i've done my best to make peace with my body and health it's still just a lot to deal with sometimes

[killerqueenwidow]

// So.... this is going to be a vent and possibly triggering with language. So I'm putting it under a read more. In essence: just send me good vibes, well wishes, and good energy. Thank you!

I feel like a goddamn failure.

In the past few months, I have had a bunch of things happen.

My discord server that I set up with someone had a bunch of drama happen with the person that I set it up with. They ended up leaving after making a call out post and all sorts of things. They messaged me on some of my other social media that they had and even on documents I had shared with them for book keeping purposes saying I was horrible, only in things for shipping, toxic, and not a good friend.

I will admit that my passive nature and my want to be liked can be toxic. I can be manipulative and bad. I acknowledge that and I won't run from it. I've been working on being better and growing from these things.

The server is now strong, but it has caused me to feel off in other servers I'm in and even here on Tumblr. I don't talk much in my other servers because I feel like I've lost connections with people because I keep doubting myself. I feel like I'm going to upset people and they're going to say the same things and I can't take that from people I believe are my friends in those servers. I won't be able to handle it. The people that make up most of those servers know me on a level that some people outside of the internet don't know because I feel the screen allows me to be a little more honest and open. If any of them were to tell me the same things that the other person did... I would stop everything, leave Tumblr and discord and probably never come back. That's another toxic thing: I put too much value in outside opinions.

My depression has been RAGING. I haven't taken my medication on a consistent basis for a while and I know I need to.

Last month I was told my lease on my apartment wasn't getting renewed. We never got a letter of complaint so I was confused. I will admit that I hate cleaning and the place wasn't all that pretty (it's a lot better but still not perfect) and that's why we aren't getting renewed. So I started thinking "Maybe I can buy a house now!"

My credit score is SHIT. I was stupid and throughout this decade I racked up A LOT of credit card debt. This means I cannot get a loan because my credit score sucks ass for lenders. Yeah. Capitalism sucks. I had been so happy thinking I was finally going to become a homeowner before I was 30. But no... This dream isn't meant to be. So now I need to find a place that will take me and my crap score, my two cats, and my tortoise who needs to be registered as an emotional support animal.

I want to start writing a novel, more like turn my old D&D campaign into a novel because it was a HILARIOUS campaign and I think people would enjoy reading it. But I don't have the energy or the will to do anything anymore. I hate where I'm working because discrimination is RAMPANT and I can't take it. I wish we were back in virtual schooling because I think it was easier and a lot less micromanaged.

I'm also getting upset with my significant other. He is legally married but separated. We've been together for 5 years and he's been separated from his wife since about two months before we met. I want him divorced but lawyers cost money and we don't have that. I'm a teacher and he makes minimum wage. He also won't get a driver's license or use the damn scooter he bought, electing to Uber into work. It's annoying as fuck.

If anyone reads this... thank you for making it this far. I needed to get this out and really give people a choice to read it. Sure I can vent in my discord servers, but it still sends a notification to people who haven't muted the channel or whatnot and I don't want people to have to deal with that. So if you're still here, thank you. I'm not asking for anything other than good vibes and well wishes.

[arumin-arureruto]

Honeytea PT 1

Kyoya x fem reader and Hikaru x fem reader, Kyoya angst, Hikaru slowburn.

Warnings: manipulation, Kyoya angst

word count: 2k

songs to listen to while reading:

The Night We Met - Lord Huron

Everything I wanted - Billie Eilish

Bitches Broken Heart - Billie Eilish

(I'll probably make a Spotify playlist at some point)

Outfit reader is wearing:

"ouch" the boiling hot water dripped from the tip of the tea kettle and onto your hand

"Mrs Ootori let me help you with that" said one of the kitchen workers as she rushed to your aid, already grabbing a towel.

"Oh no it's ok, this is for Kyoya and I would like to make him tea myself, I haven't been in a kitchen in so long though it seems I'm a bit rusty." you laughed while running your hand under cold water.

The water helped soothe the burning but you would definitely feel an unpleasant sting later.

This time you payed more attention as you poured the water into the mug.

Looking through the assortments of tea you tried looking for Kyoya's favorite, mint and passionfruit.

You put the tea bag in the water and put back all the other tea boxes, you and Kyoya used to love buying exotic teas from all around the world and trying them. The thought of doing something as simple as drinking tea with your husband made you smile.

You picked up the mug and started walking out of the kitchen, smiling at the staff that were busy at work already prepping for tomorrow's meals.

The manor's halls were dimly lit and empty, Kyoya insisted on buying a big lavish house even though it was just you two most of the time.

Walking slowly as to not spill any of the tea all you could hear was your breathing and your bare feet hitting the cold marble floor.

When you got to Kyoya's office you knocked, and waited for permission to come in.

No answer.

You knocked again and waited.

Still no answer.

You grabbed the doorknob thinking you'd just let yourself in when you remembered what happened last time you walked into his office without permission.

A chill went down your spine and you felt a lump in your throat.

"It's okay, he said it wouldn't happen again" you thought to yourself.

Still you decided to try knocking one more time, after you knocked the third time you heard Kyoya's voice coming from behind the door.

"You may come in"

You slowly opened the door and walked inside, still holding the mug in your hand.

"How can I help you?" he asked not looking up from his laptop.

"I brought you some tea" you hesitantly put it down on his desk, your hands already missing the warmth the mug provided.

"I appreciate it, you may leave" he still wasn't looking at you.

"Actually I was wondering if you wanted to come to bed with me?" you spoke the words quickly and nervously.

"No thank you, I am quite busy at the moment and would like some peace and quiet to continue my work if you don't mind."

"You've been leaving earlier for work and staying up later to finish it, I've just been feeling lonely and wanted to spend some time together that's all"

oh no.

Word vomit.

You did not mean to say that thought out loud.

Kyoya let out a loud and annoyed sigh, he stood up from his desk and started walking towards you.

You felt your heart beating in your ears and a lump starting to form in your throat as his tall lanky figure approached you.

Already preparing yourself for the worst you closed your eyes and looked down.

"Like I said, I am busy at the moment with important work and do not have time to deal with you and your loneliness, will I have to repeat myself a second time?"

His mouth was right next to your ear, you could feel his warm breath on your neck.

"No, I understand" you said, voice barely above a whisper.

"Then you may leave"

you gave a quick nod and turned to leave, already feeling the tears in your eyes threatening to spill while he returned to his desk.

"Y/n, before you leave I ask that you learn your place in this house, you are in no position to waltz into my office and demand that I drop everything to spend time with you, do you hear me?"

You stopped in your tracks. His voice was cold and emotionless, the chill you felt earlier returning.

Your voice shook a little.

"Yes"

"Good, then we understand each other my dear."

You hurried and left Kyoya's office quickly, tears streaming down your face.

You had only been married for a year and 4 months, why was your marriage already dying? Before you got engaged you and Kyoya had already been dating for almost 3 years so you knew he did like you, what happened?

You continued walking to your room, the house's unwelcoming atmosphere making you want to ball up and cry even more.

When you got to the room you and Kyoya shared you frantically looked for your phone, turning over pillows and accidentally messing up the tidy bed one of the maids had made.

"Son of a bitch where is it" you thought while continuing to search the bed. Your vision was blurry because of the tears so that didn't help.

After 5 minutes of turning the room upside down for it you found your phone, sitting neatly on your vanity.

You quickly picked it up and hurriedly scrolled down your contact list.

Majority of the numbers were women from families Kyoya thought it would be beneficial for you to associate with, your actual friends and family took up less than 30% of the numbers in your phone.

After scrolling for a little longer you found the number you had been looking for.

You quickly called the number and waited while it rang.

"Hey this is Hikaru leave a message, or don't, I really don't care."

fuck

It was pretty late so he was probably asleep, but you decided to try again.

You paced around the room and waited while the phone rang a second time.

After what it felt like ages you finally heard a voice.

"y/n?"

Your spirits started to lift and a little smile crept up to your face.

"Hikaru? I'm sorry did I wake you up"

Hikaru let out a sleepy laugh.

"Yeah you big head it's almost midnight, its fine though, what's up? You sound weird"

"I'm-"

You froze, should you tell him?Should you tell him that your marriage was falling apart? That you felt out of place in your own home? that you felt lonelier then ever?

"I've actually been having a pretty shitty night" you laughed, mostly out of nervousness than joy.

Suddenly you couldn't hold it in anymore, tears started running down your face again and you let out a loud, guttural sob.

"Sorry I didn't want you to hear that" you laughed again as you wiped your nose with the sleeves of your robe.

"Y/n what's going on?" Hikaru's voice grew alarmed

"I don't think I can do this over the phone, I have to talk to you, in person."

"Ok I'll come over right now if you want."

It sounded like he was stumbling out of bed and putting on his slippers.

"Oh no no its fine, it can wait till tomorrow" you said quickly, even if Kyoya wasn't home you needed some time alone to think so Hikaru coming over right now was out of the question.

"Are you sure?" he asked, still sounding worried.

"Yes I'm sure, I'll talk to you tomorrow"

"Ok but are you 100% sure?"

You felt a smile creep onto your face

"Go back to sleep Hitachiin"

"Whatever you say Ootori"

You laughed again, this time a genuine laugh.

"Goodnight Hikaru"

"Goodnight y/n"

You hung up, feeling happier than you were before.

You threw your phone on the bed and went into the bathroom that connected to your bedroom to wash your face.

After splashing some cold water on your face you looked into the mirror and almost didn't recognize the woman before you.

What happened?

You had everything anyone could want. Looks, money, power, a rich handsome husband, a high status in society.

Your eyes didn't have the same glint they did back in high school, you felt as if you had aged 2 decades in just 8 years.

You and Kyoya had started dating in your senior year of high school, he was attending his first year at Ouran University and he proposed to you right after he graduated while you were starting your 4th year at the university.

You were happy, everything was going great, it all started going downhill after you got married.

Kyoya became cold, it's as if after he had you wrapped around his finger he didn't bother trying to please you. Sometimes you wondered if the only reason he targeted you was because of how it would make him look, but you couldn't think of a way in which marrying a commoner that was attending Ouran on a scholarship would benefit him in any way.

You tried forgetting those awful thoughts, no, Kyoya loved you, you guys were just going through some hard times as do any couples.

As you leaned on the sink staring at your own reflection you heard Kyoya coming into the room.

You took one last look in the mirror to make sure any traces of your crying were gone.

you turned around and there was Kyoya, silently staring at you while leaning on the door frame.

You didn't know what to do so you just leaned with your back on the sink while he slowly approached you.

He ran his hands down the side of your body down to your thighs and put this face in the crook of your neck.

He inhaled and exhaled, hands feeling the back of your thighs.

"God you smell amazing"

Just his deep voice close to your ear was enough to make your legs go weak.

No.

Sex wasn't getting him out of this.

Until he used words to apologize you weren't going to give him anything.

"I thought you were busy" You said harshly.

"I took care of things that couldn't be delayed, everything else can wait until tomorrow." You could feel his breathing speeding up.

no, nope. Until he apologized he would get nothing.

"Hmm" you said, still not giving him a reaction.

He seemed to pick up on your strategy because he lifted you up and put you on the bathroom counter.

The cold marble against your bare thigh scared you but before you could process the feeling Kyoya put his mouth on your neck and sucked the skin.

Since you were caught by surprise you couldn't suppress the moan that came out of your mouth.

"Now now Mrs Ootori, what troubles you? Giving me the cold shoulder isn't very nice." he was whispering in your ear while undoing your silk robe.

Your own breathing was starting to speed up and you could feel heat pooling at the bottom of your underwear.

"How about you try apologizing?" You didn't try to stop him from undoing your robe.

"And why would I do that?" he asked while feeling the exposed skin on your collarbone with his nose.

"For the way you treated me when I went into your office" You said, anger starting to return.

"To be fair you interrupted me while I was doing very important work and it made me upset, so who here should really be apologizing?"

He was right, you knew how much he valued his work time and you still interrupted him.

Ashamed, you put your head down.

"I'm sorry" you mumbled.

"What was that? I couldn't hear you"

"I'm sorry" this time you said it louder.

Kyoya lifted his head up to look you in the eyes.

"Good girl. Now, there are other ways you could apologize to me."

He picked you up by your thighs from the bathroom counter and carried you to the bed.

By then your robe was already discarded on the bathroom floor and you laid on the bed, just in a thin and short sleeping gown.

Kyoya took off his shirt and pants and straddled himself on top of you, arms on either sides of your head.

Although you laid there with your husband on top of you, all you could think about was seeing your best friend the next day.

A/N: Hey babes so this is just the first chapter, I'm definitely making this a slowburn so expect a lot of chapters. As a Kyoya girl this was painful to write </3, anyways love y'all!!!

[minmincals]

kinda wanna do this i hope i won't forget abt it

Day 1: 165cm 47kg,, ion do other measurements

Day 2: i'm as already mentioned 165cm and ngl i'd like to grow a lil but i'm also not gonna cry if i didn't

Day 3: i dont have a specific one but thigh gaps🗣🗣🗣

Day 4: im afraid i might become too skinny to look good dancing

Day 5: because i hate the way my body looks esp my thighs i can only wear loose pants or skirts, whenever i wear leggings to dance class i have to wear a big tshirt or hoodie to cover them bc it looks weird otherwise

Day 6: yes i do theres a lot of times where im feeling empty but like emotionally n not physically and so i-

Day 7: idk tbh ion talk to them

Day 8: i have none im lying in bed all day

Day 9: often enough, even now they dont stfu abt it

Day 10: uhm idk

Day 11: don't have one

Day 12: small portion of anything my parents cook for lunch and whatever tf i feel like snacking on till evening

Day 13: i have an eating disorder. healthier than before tho im rarely purging

Day 14: my ugw is 40kgs and im expecting to reach it by graduation if possible,, so 1¼yrs left

Day 15: i would def want to turn vegan but my parents don't want me to🤪 i've cut out red meat tho and tbh i feel sm better since i did and i have sm less to binge on since my fam are red meat lovers and so i did lose weight by cutting that out.

Day 16: somewhere in 6th grade

Day 17: yes🥳

Day 18: cakes, fruit, or anything with sesame seeds

Day 19: its been quite a while idk maybe 2-3 months ago

Day 20: don't have one since i didnt get to try many

Day 21: i could easily fit xs but i prefer s and m unless it's skirts

Day 22: lw was 42,9kg i gained bc my digestive system was fucked from all the purging and if i didnt purge id gain like rly fast but i didnt have the energy to purge anymore so that stressed me out which then led to a binge cycle and boom i gained double of what i lost

Day 23: not really until i found those diet/fitness youtubers which motivated me to work on it

Day 24: the meaning's all twisted and ppl still argue abt it but im just seeing it as a tag where i can get motivation for myself idk

Day 25: countless times, i read it was hard to purge first time and so i was worried i might take a while and everyone in the house would hear but then i thought fuck it and went for it n it actually wasnt bad---

Day26: seeing the number and also the way i might look at that weight

Day 27: i either binge or it makes me sick just looking at it

Day 28: i absolutely do simply bc that means i have worked hard enough and also my thighs wont touch anymore which is >>>>>

Day 29: beauty is whatever u decide it to be for yourself

Day 30: 46,9kg still the same height

1) i love to dance

2) im ace

3) i love hugs and holding hands n all that stuff but my brain decides who im comfortable with doing that (bitch is very selective) and often its ppl that i'll never be close with and it makes me sad

4) im a math enjoyer and proud

5) i love riddles and figuring stuff out on my own

6) i play genshin and im a kazuha main

7) im into kpop and my ult group is onf

8) i have a hard time telling apart romantic and platonic so its always nice if the other person makes clear where we stand

9) i have ednos, 100% pain and suffering, 0% weightloss

10) im nonbinary