#I've already said so much on this topic I think I'm repeating myself lol

[hajihiko]

If I may ask, which plot twist hooked you onto DR2?

The "you were the bad guys all along" one!

[beautifulpersonpeach]

sorry about bringing a sensitive situation to your blog again Bpp but I can't keep quiet. The way people are acting makes me very uncomfortable. All you said was that even tho you think a BTS boycott is misguided people can decide for themselves and that everyone will do what they want, you listed the Gaza charity you're donating to but someone is calling you brainless zionist for that?? When 'propalestine armys' are already saying BTS should be held accountable for 'making them feel unsafe'?

BTS???!!!???

It's reminding me of when people attacked you for 'not holding Jungkook responsible for sportswashing' during the Olympics. People came to your blog, a jikook blog, and were attacking you for not allowing them to call Jungkook a murderer!

If people want to boycott they should boycott without trying to solicit support and then attacking people, calling them zionists when they say they disagree with their method!! It's driving me crazy seeing what's happening. I'm from the US. I've marched in protests, written and called my representative, I skipped buying a new microwave and TV system I've been saving for because a portion of my income now goes to Palestine charities, I talk about Gaza everywhere, but 'armys' on twitter are calling me a zionist because I don't think it makes sense to punish j-hope for Scooter Braun. For V's new song I saw people checking the catering team to see if someone there was a zionist! They're doing background checks on the CATERING TEAM.

What will these people do if nothing changes by the time Jin comes back? How will they escalate things? They are getting more and more angry and already attacking the members Bpp you saw it yourself.

Please talk about this. I know you're avoiding this topic but please talk about this. I feel I'm going crazy Bpp. The hate is getting so much the thought of Jin coming back to this mess scares the fuck out of me. What are your genuine uncensored thoughts about this? What is the worst case scenario? I'm thinking of leaving the fandom until Jin comes back because this is too much!

*

Ask 2: BPP, the ask about the boycotts, what did you mean by focus on tannies is misguided? Its a hard topic so I understand if you want to avoid it but I'd appreciate if you can you explain why.

***

"It's reminding me of when people attacked you for 'not holding Jungkook responsible for sportswashing' during the Olympics."

I think you mean World Cup, lol.

Anyway, me not talking about it is less about me avoiding the topic, and more because I've talked about this before and really hate repeating myself. As I said back then, the way I see it, what's at the root of this issue is people demanding Collective Responsibility. I've talked about this on my blog for a long time.

I talked about it when ARMYs where saying Jungkook should be held accountable for Qatar's hate crimes;

I talked about it when someone sent me an ask about Black multis calling to boycott BTS during the Black Lives Matter movement;

I talked about it when people asked me why I still support BTS even though they work with Supreme Boi;

I talked about it when people asked me why I didn't boycott Jimin even though he worked with Bobby Jung;

I talked about it when people where saying BTS should be held accountable for ARMYs actions as a fandom;

I talked about it when I said I don't hold Taemin responsible for Shawols attacking Yeonjun and other idols who covered his songs.

...I've been talking about this for a long time on my blog. About how the issue at its root is using BTS and/or k-pop idols as a proxy to punish people actually responsible because it's simply easier to use BTS and/or idols k-pop stans already feel they have control over. There's really no point talking about this, because what's happening here is a bigger phenomenon than just Palestinian ARMYs wanting to hold HYBE and/or BTS accountable. It happens with artists and their fans generally, outside k-pop as well.

Like I said all those other times, Collective Responsibility (CR) perhaps isn't a phrase we've all heard before, but it's an impulse a lot of people have. It is also considered by ethicists to be demonstrably and fundamentally immoral, because it is punishing someone not directly responsible for the beliefs and actions of another person, as though they are responsible. It's an expression of Association Fallacy (AF), the worst examples of which show up in our society as genocides and holocausts. Also, a consequence of AF is that it leads to purity tests, because then anyone connected to the guilty party becomes fair game. It's how people can rationalize scrutinizing the catering team hired for a music video by a k-pop group to use as evidence of a Zionist infiltration conspiracy.

This is something particular to me, and it is that I strongly believe in holding the people actually responsible, responsible. Because once you start using proxies or expanding that locus of responsibility, an impartial application ropes in more people including those who actually aren't responsible, and so it demands people being selective about who they think should be scapegoated. And 9 times out of 10, people choose targets they feel they already have influence or control over. It's simply human nature.

Because we are talking about ARMYs, HYBE and BTS, I'll give three examples specific to the fandom.

One.

Last year when October 7th happened, myself and a few ARMY friends were talking about the fall out and predicted that what's happened since, would happen. But the focus of our discussion was led by some friends who are American. America is the largest funder of Israel. If we were to draw a tree map of who contributes the most to Israel's military complex among BTS, HYBE, and the fandom, it would be US ARMYs by virtue of their tax dollars, discretionary spending on brands like McDonalds and Remax (notice Starbucks is mentioned in that article exactly zero times), and university tuitions and academic membership fees as some of the largest funders of Israel are American universities. My friend, let's call her M, said last year that if the focus is to have an impact on the situation in Israel, the largest focus would have to be American-centric and on established institutions. These were the arguments she gave our group when people were calling for boycotts of Golden.

Fast-forward to Winter 2024, Israel's campaign in Gaza has escalated to a full on genocide, people are more angry, more restless, and more hungry for retribution. Calls for boycotts are louder. I don't want to single this person out so I won't mention them, but to drive home my example, I've noticed one of the ARMYs calling for boycotts of BTS is a UC Berkley professor - a university that has long documented direct ties to the Israeli government, as well as research in the West Bank, and she's a professor in a department that receives Israeli funding... UC Berkeley in general has been in the news as a focus point of Israeli-Palestinian clashes over the last 10 years and especially this year.

Now, personally I have no issues with this person as like I've said, just because she's associated with a guilty party paying for the government's actions in occupied territories, doesn't mean she is responsible. However, the minute you expand the locus of responsibility, to use the logic of proponents of the BTS boycott, the question then becomes why this person is able to compartmentalize their receipt of Israeli funding via their salary and their continued fee paying to a university with long ties to Israel, why they are demonstrably still patronizing several brands on the BDS list, but they are focusing their attentions on Scooter Braun and using BTS as the tool to do so. Granted, it would be far more difficult to divest themselves from a portion of their salary even though it comes from Israel, or to stop using many of the American brands on the BDS list. BTS on the other hand, although they contribute significantly less to Israel's campaign of violence, is a Korean band that simply constitutes a hobby for this person. BTS and HYBE are far easier ways for this person to express their hate of Israel via Scooter Braun, all they have to do is not spend their Israel-American funded salary on this hobby, and so this is where this UC Berkeley professor expends most of her efforts - leading the HYBE Divest from Zionism movement.

In contrast to my next two examples, we don't yet have a conclusion to this latest BTS boycott campaign.

Two.

In Spring 2020, the Black Lives Matter (BLM) movement took off in the US and quickly became a worldwide campaign. Around the same time, Yoongi released D-2 and one of the tracks included a sample of Jim Jones' speech. Jim Jones was a psychotic cult leader responsible for the massacre of ~1,000 people at Jonestown, people he lured there under the pretense of a racial utopia where White, Black, and people of all races would be equal. Because of this promise, his followers were overwhelmingly Black. It is one of the worst mass deaths in US history, and it was the result of a sick White man hijacking the Civil Rights Movement. Still, Jim Jones' speech has been sampled in many works over the years, such as: Pretty Picture by The Used (an American band) which used the same sample speech as Yoongi, and Jonestown by Post Malone which had been released two years before Yoongi's song, also referenced Jim Jones. Both times these artists have referenced this atrocity without backlash or issue, and those are just two examples out of a very long list. That particular song by Yoongi had also been completed in 2019.

However, with the backdrop of the BLM movement, all it did was raise emotions to a nuclear pitch in a k-pop fandom where even the smallest issues become huge scandals. K-pop stans demanded a boycott of BTS and this included some Black multis and ARMYs. When BigHit released the statement and apology that it was a producer who had put it in, regrettably, Black multis strengthened their call for a boycott demanding that it would continue until Yoongi himself took responsibility, named the producer, and fired him. BigHit was declared a racist institution and every incident of Black erasure since then (such as Weverse articles) revives that assertion.

The fandom before Dynamite was far less fragmented than it is now, and so the response from the fandom was to rally behind Yoongi, and match BTS's US$1 million donation to the BLM movement. Several Black multis who didn't get their demands 'left' the fandom, and some became unabashed antis. Many of those Black k-pop fans support groups that worked with unapologetic racist white and Korean people during that time and since, groups they've not made the same demands of.

That was the conclusion of that BTS boycott campaign.

Three.

Many artists were dragged when it was revealed they would perform at the 2022 World Cup, because they were deemed as complicit in Qatar's human rights violations. They cited the Qatari government's history of hate crimes against LGBT+ people and minorities, and also the construction of the main stadium where thousands of migrant workers died due to inhumane working conditions. Some artists took that criticism to heart and dropped out. When it was announced that Jungkook would be singing Dreamers at the World Cup, people called for him to drop out and some fans called for boycotts of BTS until that happened.

Notably, many of these people didn't extend their calls to any of the teams actually participating in the World Cup. Many k-pop stans who called for Jungkook to drop out, themselves watched the World Cup. Several multi stans decided this was the final straw in what changed their perception of Jungkook as a good person, and in their support of BTS more generally, and unstanned.

Most ARMYs settled for 'condemning' Jungkook or expressing disappointment for HYBE's sportwashing, but again, it was interesting to see many of the same people happy and rooting for Son Heung-min. The response of the fandom to that boycott campaign was largely to ignore it, I suspect many people don't even know people called for boycotts.

That was the conclusion of that BTS boycott campaign.

**

Collective Responsibility is something some people are instinctively critical about, being careful of where to assign blame. It's why the only Korean company listed in the official BDS boycott list, is HD Hyundai, a company that sold machinery used demolish homes in Palestine; while a company like Samsung that invests in Israel and has an R&D center in Israel isn't on the BDS list, because there is yet to be a direct link between the work of that subsidiary and the loss of life in Gaza. Now, people are free to boycott Samsung if they want, but others are just as free to find the basis tenuous at best.

I keep saying people are free to do what they want, and it's perfectly natural and more than understandable if someone cannot stomach the idea of Scooter Braun working with BTS and decides to unstan them as a result - which, just like the other BTS boycott campaigns, is what I suspect will be the end result of this latest boycott if HYBE does not meet their demands to remove Scooter Braun this year. The music industry is filled with undesirables, and so long as BTS are in the music industry, they will work with them directly and indirectly. Everyone decides for themselves what they can tolerate - for example some people couldn't tolerate buying Angel by Jimin because a convicted rapist was featured on the song and they didn't want him to get their money, but they could tolerate buying and streaming Filter though it was also made with a convicted sex offender.

Personally, I was angry the Angel feature happened because it was one of Jimin's first solo American projects, one of his first introductions to the American public as a solo artist, and I felt he could've had a much better feature than someone many Americans already found distasteful. I believe I've been explicit about my dislike of Scooter Braun on my blog and about how I feel he is not the best partner for HYBE in the US. My views on his belief in the two-state solution and sentiments about Israel which he bases on being descended from Holocaust survivors, while admittedly complicated, only add to my dislike of him.

Still, I don't hold BTS responsible for him, and so I think any act to boycott BTS on his account is misguided. But this boycott campaign is what to expect from k-pop stans. It's happened before and will happen again because people feel the way they feel, at the end of the day. And because there's already a latent expectation in k-pop fandoms that you're entitled to a safe space in k-pop, and that companies cater to you. It's the flip side of the parasocial contract and how this industry has built insane levels of fan loyalty. It's why many of the people calling for BTS boycotts and HYBE divestment, aren't doing so for UMG, Atlantic Records, Warner Music, and a handful of other American labels and their artists who have more established ties to Israel than Scooter Braun.

As to my views on how HYBE could respond, I'm waiting till after the GSM on the 29th to form an opinion.

I hope this answered your questions and concerns, Anons. I'd genuinely prefer to not talk about this again.

[rongzhi]

Hi! Sorry if you dont answer this kinda question and feel free to delete if you dont wanna answer but how would one go about learning Chinese? Are there any tips or sources you could direct to? I want to surprise my dad one day by learning Chinese since I grew up without learning it (been Americanized 😔) but I have no idea where to start at all. I would greatly appreciate the help if you provide any.

Nonetheless I hope you are well! Love your douyin translations! Thanks! ♡♡♡

I'm not reaaally a good person to ask since I'm not truly actively pursuing language studies. You'd be better off searching up language resources/communities or looking for Chinese langblrs tbh. I think they'll probably have a lot more actual learning resources that you can check out. If you're real serious, I'd look up getting into HSK levels (standardised testing levels basically)

However, my general advice is to probably just immerse yourself more if you're already a little bit familiar with Chinese. It sounds like your parents or at least your dad is Chinese, so you must know a little bit already. I've said as much in previous asks before, but my current Chinese language skills are basically all from just getting more into watching dramas/movies/web videos (like douyins) over the last ~2 years. Personally, my listening skills are still better than speaking/reading, but I used to be practically illiterate and now I can indulge more in my love of reading comment sections and forum drama lol.

There's tons of drama/movie recs out there including from me (check my FAQ/answered asks) so I won't bother with that here.

Everything I link below is just going to be based on my own experience/some resources I use/have used. Idk how helpful it will be to what you're trying to achieve.

If your goal is only to get better at speaking Chinese, I'd say learning songs might help? Or just when you're watching any language videos, repeating things out loud helps. I also just mutter out loud to myself anytime I find myself thinking in Chinese these days, since I don't really talk to anybody but I still want to improve my speaking skills.

Video channels:

The Mandarin Corner - a language youtube channel has varying levels language videos on various topics as well as vocab.

每日中文课Free To Learn is also a nice language youtube channel, though it may be a little bit more intermediate learning. 唐真探【唐唐說-每週更新】- True crime channel in Chinese. If you have interest in true crime, I think watching ones in Chinese are interesting because they offer more diverse case coverage, including cases from China and other Asian countries that you typically just don't find in western true crime channels. Subtitles are in Traditional so if you're like me, you'll probably rely mostly on listening. I think these channels also help me learn some modern vocab. 英大吉來了 - another true crime channel in Chinese. Subtitles are in Traditional. 脑弟说电影 - movie/drama recap channel in Chinese. Subtitles are in Simplified.

Some apps that might be helpful (based on my experience only):

Mobile:

Pleco - a Chinese-English dictionary). I would install a Chinese pinyin keyboard and handwriting keyboard on your phone in order to look up words or phrases. A similiar app I've heard people talk about before is called Anki, I think?

HelloChinese - This can take you up to HSK 4 or something like that for free. It's better than DuoLingo, I hear. I haven't actually used DuoLingo before but I'm told their Chinese program is a little bullshit. I used to use HelloChinese reading/writing practice on and off but since I'm not interested in paying for stuff, I don't really use it anymore. However, I think the practices that are available are pretty good and the example sentences and whatnot actually make sense.

Desktop:

Zhongwen pop-up dictionary - browser extension. This is pretty useful extension that lets you look up words by hovering over them (unless it does that thing where it just tells you to look up a different entry 🙄). When I encounter words I don't know while reading, I'll turn this on.

Yellowbridge - an online Chinese-English dictionary. I honestly just use this to double check brush stroke orders sometimes but it's a good dictionary for desktop.

Again, probably not that helpful but that's all I really have personally!

[onewomancitadel]

No that wasnt a refutation I was just reiterating that to show that we agree in that regard. I wasnt divorcing it from the story(at least that wasnt my intention) just wanted to talk about something I felt was pretty underrated. Sorry. I will stop wasting your time now.

I think we are probably in more agreement than you think. For the record, I prefer more context where possible - especially because I am a weirdo with opinions most people disagree with and am constantly navigating a minefield mentally because of that - but I think you may not be a logged-in user so you've got a limit on ask length which is a shame.

You're not wasting my time. I am the one who has my ask box open and I choose to respond. I would tell you if you were. You can see that I am very honest when I think someone is wasting my time lol.

I frequently write about Jaune, Cinder, and Knightfall on my blog, so this is also a topic that interests me, and obviously I am writing a novel-length fanfic exploring the ideas we're already discussing. So I agree, it's not something really discussed because he's not taken seriously as a character because comic relief reasons/self-insert/stupid boy getting in the way/where is my kill death machine.

What makes Jaune and Cinder particularly compelling to me (I may be repeating myself here so I apologise) is that to really understand either of them comes with a host of necessary thematic and story concerns. If someone doesn't 'get' either of them they probably have wildly divergent analyses of the show from me. That's interesting, but it's also why I wholesale dismiss holding a debate about either of their characters because to dismiss them pretty much means dismissing anything I think that is fundamentally great about R/WBY. Also, my blog isn't really meant for debates, it's just my personal correspondence. Lol

So yes, it is a very interesting topic and something I genuinely enjoy thinking about. Have a nice night and please don't feel bad. I'm only working with what context I've got and if you're generally good faith I am not actually mean, what grinds my gears is when I go out of my way to take other people seriously and then I have to deal with people who outright ignore anything I have to say - but who still want to annoy me.

If I ever genuinely misinterpret something you've said in an ask please also don't feel bad correcting me (that is why I asked if it were a refutation). Take care.

[happysadyoyo]

Maybe don't talk like you know what Morg has and hasn't tried. His dad taking away booze and pills ain't half of what a healthy parental response should be. Making assumptions about someone's home-life (or life in general) does not lead to anything but more speculation and more hateful anons to him. I beg of you to consider not bringing more suicide-baiters to a suicidal person.(Not meaning to imply that you've brought them all, or any for that matter, but people clearly find ammo in such posts)

Ignoring the fact I had a much more good faith discussion with another anon than the vibes I'm getting here --

I wonder about the sui baiters mentioned here. I don't really know how to put this in a delicate way, so I'll be blunt. Morg would be attracting those people regardless of what I or anyone else said about him, or even if we stopped talking about him. His posts present him as a very emotional volatile, vulnerable individual who is in pain. He posts about painful topics that get picked up and circulated around.

I've been online long enough to know that it doesn't matter how many times someone says "don't do this." People will still do it. And I do think it's important to explain to my followers how morg is being (unintentionally or not) manipulative and hurtful to himself and others. Plus, he's straight up lying about people.

And as I said, I spoke with someone else already about assuming someone's home life and mental state, so I don't feel the need to repeat myself (for once in my life lol).

[muselin]

Hey! I'm the 2nd gen anon that sent you the ask the other day. I agree with what you said especially the thing about social media.

For the past few years, I've been wondering why I fell out of Kpop because at that time, Kpop was gaining more attraction. I think the first reason would be that many older groups were disbanding. Then, it would be the presence of social media (toxic fans are the loudest). Other than that, I couldn't get myself into the newer songs. I remember thinking that the reason for this was due to newer songs being too westernized. However, foreign producers have been making songs for Kpop artists for a while. Over time, I noticed that a lot of the newer songs (even non-Kpop songs) don't have full choruses. The songs are mostly focused on the beat and the title of the song is repeated in the chorus. I don't hate this type of music but I tend to get sick of it quickly. A lot of 3rd and 4th gen groups are coming out with this kind of music now which makes sense into why I couldn't get myself into them. Even when my favs, which are 2nd gen and early 3rd gen (I actually regard them as 2.5 gen because they had similar styles to 2nd gen) come out with songs that don't have full choruses, I rarely listen to it.

I know in my previous ask, I did say I stopped being a Kpop fan at one point but I did still listened to my favourite Kpop songs as well as trending songs. I don't think I can ever stop listening to Kpop or music in general. I guess you can say I just became a casual listener. I'll check kpop news from time to time but that's it. I couldn't keep up with the fandom.

I don't know if you ever felt this way before but I feel bad for not putting in time for my favs or ults(?). What I'm talking about is things like streaming and voting. Luckily, my favs don't really care because they've been in the industry for a while but I still feel guilty because streaming and voting is a form of supporting the artists you love.

Sorry for the long ask. It's just hard to find 2nd gen fans on Tumblr. Also, thanks for bringing awareness about mental health. Like you said, it's sad that such tragic events have to happen in order for us to bring light to an important topic. With this, I hope people will care for the mental health of others and themselves.

I definitely agree with a lot of what you said. And thank you for dropping in again! I personally don't like songs where the structure is "skimped on", e.g. not having a full chorus, or several lines of lyrics being just the same word or phrase repeated over and over. Although that said, "Sorry Sorry" and "Ring Ding Dong" are what got me into kpop and are the most iconic songs ever and you can't tell me otherwise lol.

For me personally, rediscovering Super Junior and SHINee after 7+ years of not keeping up and being a casual listener was like a shock to the system. With Super Junior it was like, hold up, you mean Kibum, Hangeng, Kangin AND Sungmin are not in SJ anymore?? And with SHINee it was like... how can we go on without Jjong?? And hold on, Taemin is now the biggest solo artist of all of them?? TVXQ was now only Yunho and Changmin and the rest had left?? It was so much to take in.

When I was coming back into kpop circa late 2017, besides BTS I wasn't that thrilled with what I arrived to as a 2nd gen fan to be honest. Monsta X and KARD were a breath of fresh air, as a proper very EDM focused and a mixed gender group, respectively. Musically though, aside from BTS it was VIXX I loved the most and they sit awkwardly in the time line, somewhere between 2nd gen and 3rd gen. They're usually considered 2.5 gen.

It was sad learning about everyone I knew from 2nd gen that was disbanding or not active (f(x), 2NE1, SHINee were just recovering from Jonghyun's passing at the time). But at the same time I was thrilled that so many were still going strong. I felt i could relate to them because I was getting into that later-twenties stage where I was worrying about getting older, but I was comforted knowing my 2nd gen idols were growing older with me, they were already a few years ahead of me and still rocking it.

You see, with feeling guilty about not streaming and voting, I didn't really experience that. When I was an early kpop fan it wasn't even possible to vote outside of Korea so I never felt like I had missed out on these opportunities or let my idols down. When i got into kpop again I did take advantage of the fact that I could stream, vote for MAMA and vote on some music shows. I never felt guilty though because I knew that the majority of these voting drives were for the younger fans, who didn't have full time jobs, families or that many responsibilities. So I always felt I was doing my best as a fan in moderation, without sacrificing all my time, money and sanity.

With 4th gen, I don't even bother with voting. Some people might say that makes me a shitty or lazy fan, but my ults are 2nd and 3rd gen, and I'm only one person. I know 3rd and 4th gen have loads and loads of young fans who do the streaming and voting better than I ever could. I just stream on comeback day and enjoy the music, and buy the occasional album. When I was a young fan I had no money at all, I couldn't buy any albums or go to any concerts. So I don't feel guilty because I can do more now as an older fan than I ever could before to support my idols. I save my voting rights for my 2nd gen faves who aren't as popular anymore, because I know it would mean much more to them to still win awards this late into their careers :)

[whattheresidentdidtoday]

3 /4/22 - Recap...Again

Trainee - 2/28/22 :

I was Lead Monday as usual, and had Estevan, Alma and the new girl Seriah for PM team. It was Seriah's first day, so I got to kick off her training. Earlier in the day I'd asked Emelio if I was training her, or if he was preferring Lynn do it like with the last new person. He said "no, you'll be doing it. Train her right, ok?" and I'm going uh-huh, yup, sure, definitely don't still feel like newbie myself some days...newbie training the newbie! No problem! But it actually didn't go as bad as I was thinking. She's super sweet, the residents she talked to like her, and she's good at following instructions (yay, not a JP copycat!). She's a high schooler too, so I feel old. She's just a baby compared to the rest of us! I did find I have trouble telling someone what to do, and instead opt to phrase it like a question, eg "would you be able to sweep out here, and then Estevan will mop?". But she hasn't been scared off so I must not have done too badly and didn't info dump too much!

Repeat of Thursday - 3/3/22 :

Yesterday Lynn started texting me at 6am, 9am and then around 10, and I didn't see them until a little after 11 (if I don't have to be up for 6am, I won't be. It's funny she thinks I'd see it at that time lol). Apparently she was super tired, and was starting to not feel good and wanted me to cover her Lead shift. I say sure, but I'll have to take a shower first. She sends me crying emojis and updates on how she's feeling until I get there at around 2. And whaddya know, Taylor is chef again! Hehehehehe.

Lunch service was already about done by then, so I start cranking out loads of laundry (since Tammy had been complaining about night shift not getting it done...y'know, even though AM shift has more time to do it than PM but they just don't do it *eyeroll*) and try not to panic looking at how few desserts are left. (K-Ci told me today that why there wasn't a lot of the spice cake left yesterday was because a big portion of the middle was raw and that cut down on the amount we had to use)

Anyways, I get a couple pans of cookies done, Taylor is getting dinner rolls made and left to raise. Then when we're getting plates ready for the cart, we're chatting and I'm tossing some ice at him, though not as much as I was last Thursday, and he randomly asks if I have a boyfriend. I say nope, never have either. He says "what, really!?" I say yep, want me to make it worse? I've only been on one date, last year, and it resulted in him just wanting to be friends. Taylor makes a 'oof that sucks' face and says something that lightens the mood. Then he asks if I'm looking for a boyfriend, to which I go eh, not actively. If one comes along I'll take him. My mom thinks he probably thinks I've been flirting with him (no, but yes, but no?) and that was him trying to figure out if that's what I've been doing or not.

Then there's some other topic which I won't get into here. Oh, and also when he was putting the rolls on the plates, he was...complimenting his baking...he gave one a squeeze and said "we've got nice, soft little buns here" (same here, Taylor) and I just...had to have the self control not to bust out laughing because that could be taken the wrong way (which is the way my mind twisted it of course) and he could've said it literally any other way but that!

Throughout dinner service I didn't bug him too much, but did a little when it calmed down in the dining room. Did get a few good sized cubes down the back of his shirt! I was telling Alma about our conversations, and after getting home she sent me a voice message on Instagram saying "she's never seen Taylor so chill with someone like that before, if it was anyone else trying to put an ice cube down his shirt he'd throw a bitch fit, but he was laughing/giggling when I did it, so maybe? Maybe...??" So yeah, I think I should lay off the flirty ice shenanigans so he doesn't think I'm trying to jump his bones. Either that or we're getting the new and improved chilled out version of Taylor and it is his new norm and not just him tolerating my mischievious puppy like self.

Milk Heist - 3/4/22 :

Nothing much for today, except that Tammy was throwing out milk 24 milk cartons, the small ones, all because they expired today instead of having us use them in the dining room or on the cart, which would've taken care of a lot of them. No, instead we use the ones that expire on the 7th, while she keeps buying more and wondering why the food expense keeps going up and why they're tossing out so much *eyeroll again*. So K-Ci and I take the box with us when we take garbages out, I stick it behind the dumpster, text my mom to swing by real quick and pick them up. I go on lunch, she arrives, I nyoom downstairs and get the box into the car, chat for a minute and then nyoom upstairs and resume eating like nothing ever happened. Heheheheheh, rebellion. It feels good.

[pokefanbri]

https://www.facebook.com/104057744428568/posts/156998459134496/?sfnsn=mo&d=n&vh=e

Fucking told him its a huge red flag if someone doesn't get rid of their apps. Multiple apps. Smh 😠 "oh yea i don't use them anymore" proceeds to use fb dating app" for real come on bro!

Some comments of the post:

"If you have to be checking up on your Partner then you shouldn't be with that person.. Idk how people have time for all this .. love yourself and know your worth.."

"If you're in a serious committed exclusive relationship you should not be on tinder. That's how I met my fiance and as soon as we said we are gf and bf and exclusive we both deleted it. Honestly if I was her I would have broken up with him too"

"a person also has a right to trust their gut feeling and check things out if something's not feeling right. Knowledge is power"

I've already discussed this but this news clip further validates my point of the topic, nothing more. I could call him out on hs bs further with detail, but I won't....yet, out of respect even though he probably doesn't deserve it. Til he reaches me & apologizes for everything he's done, i can say whatever tf I want & i could make a whole damn list.

Its the events of this what happened that started our downfall to begin with cuz i didn't trust him & he didn't even try to gain it back just left it as is when I could've turned my back right then & there, no apology either. Didnt apologize much actually, not even when i last saw him. But from then we spiraled & he got bored of me. I wasn't giving him what he wanted in whatever way & he wanted to find more. Closed himself off from the beginning & that created his boredom 😒

Would've had a blast together like a normal fucking couple if he was less closed off, & wouldn't have felt the need to do shit behind my back.

I'll stop talking about it for now, I have the anger & urge to keep going but I wont...actually no Screw it im pissed 😡 but ill keep it light. Its just not fair, I did so much for him but I was disrespected in different aspects of the whole relationship. Fuck! I've talked about the positives alot cuz i do love him..but the negatives are such bs too.

I want a good ass sincere apology for all of it so I can forgive him & move on, ive already apologized myself even though I dont think I should have to 😒. Didnt even give me a straight answer for the breakup, it was always a different excuse when I know he just wanted to pursue other women without me around im not fucking stupid. His own toxicity was too much even for himself & I was in the line of fire, to where i was the toxic one? No fuck that its unacceptable, he always lied when it came to covering his own ass.

For all i know he's watching me squirm & taking pleasure in all the pain I'm going through over him cuz he likes the attention. But no I actually don't think so on that one he's still good & ill give him credit where its due. But I gave him all the attention he wanted/needed & still wanted more from someone else. Really dude fucking really!?

Man up & own up to your mistakes, speak to me where I can actually hear ur voice speaking back to me with sincerity. We'll apologize together. Yea ull be pissed about this, but after u get over it & calm down. Give in & call me, granted when ur ready, & open up for once in your damn reserved life. Itll help us both with more closure & may even take a weight off our shoulders if we just talk it out, no arguing...since we're done there's no point anyway..a friendly non judgment zone cuz idc, i won't think of u any less.

U confused me during & especially after the relationship cuz i didnt know who u really were, i know the good cuz that's what u allowed me to see, ive accepted the bad that I knew already & from what ive learned...i accepted u regardless.

I always forgave u & not cuz im passive, cuz forgiveness is what the Bible teaches.. ive forgiven u & myself the best i could especially with the last things ive showed u, (accept this part cuz im pissed rn & standing up for myself, ill delete eventually maybe if u ask cuz nobody wants to be seen any less of a person. but I can make it alot worse, calling me the mistake was the worst thing u ever said to me & pointing out your faults so u can be better throughout the relationship was my only toxicity to u) we actually never really fought except the 1 time, just argued a tiny bit rarely about little things.

Ive tried using every ounce of my courage to show u how much im sorry for any wrong ive done. but its up to u now to make things right. U know me, ive always said that u can talk to me about anything. I want to be able to trust again & move on whilst staying friends. What else do u have to lose, might even have a great heart to heart convo dude to dudet

Everything ive ever said up to this point lies all my Questions. But here's most of the list, we both were equally in control of the relationship. Maybe u didn't want me to? But doing everything I had to for myself & the household, what u & ur parents wanted of me & just me being me cuz i had to, u had your own part to play & did provide...but did u actually not want me to cater to u if it were a sign u were lazy or something? Like did u not feel worthy of me? What is it u think is my "addicting personality" that isn't fixable on the surface? What is it really that u didnt like about me? This is why i don't have closure, u left me like this, confused as well as wanting more since u held back so much. Was that on purpose to give me even more false hope & want me to pine over u? Did u ever or do u still, love me at all? What did u want from me & out of the relationship, what was the purpose of it from ur perspective & why do u think i couldn't give that to u? What did i lack that u felt compelled to not tell me so I could improve & vise versa so we both could improve? Why wouldn't u allow me to help u become a better man when (I shouldnt have to btw), its exactly what u wanted but maybe didnt see it? Do u realize your own faults even as u do them? Lol. Like i genuinely want to know as much as the good ive seen, cuz to be better the more open of a person u are the more u understand yourself too.

Unless claiming u want to be a better man is part of ur alluring charm in love bombing process to land a caring girl on purpose lol...god I hope not, that would just mean u rinse & repeat like a for real narcissist 🤔 seriously tho look into that im not even kidding, im asking cuz i care. Im pissed now but 1 thing is that im trying to not put ur behavior against u cuz maybe u can't help it, its just the way u are, all ive seen & experienced points to maybe 50% of u lol. Ive always suspected narcissism, a real psych problem that might be worth looking into. But yea 1 of the reasons especially why im so forgiving & trying not to put it against u, why i still care despite u being a dick lol. I chose to look past it, all the time & up to now cuz I understand what its like to have psychological ailments. The worst part about it is most dont realize it, so i encourage u to do some research & self reflection & admitting it to urself are the 1st steps. Okay? There's different kinds & levels to being 1 too, i found that fascinating. bryan is definitely a different type, ur more lighter than that...definitely not the worst which is the physical harm type. Trust me its worth finding out more about yourself, just dont use it to ur advantage in a bad way but i trust u to do right & grow. Not sure a discarded supply (ie me) has ever tried telling a narcy what they might be for the benefit of their own self awareness 🤔,idk if its ever been done, but theres a 1st for everything? U can find alot on it in quora digest alone but Google is also ur friend.

You always were worth every effort of mine to help u in any way to be happy, & i was most happy when u were. U mean alot to me still, its the effect u had on me, I was under ur spell lol its hard to rid myself of it still, not sure when it'll pass. I chose to see it as a gift rather than a curse, that ur effect on me is still so strong when I shouldn't give a damn. If u really are a narcy, then I understand & don't put alot against u cuz its just the way u are & i need to accept it, but if it somehow helps u to help yourself cuz of it, then whats the harm? But, even in doing this or having my socials public for u...maybe just feeds into what u want...i still dont care, I want u to see how bad or good im doing without u in my life, so u know im okay at least. U promised friendship, least I can do is allow u to keep tabs on me too we spoke of, on my end of things.

The 18th of June was the last time i saw u. It'll soon be a month ago in about a week & a 1/2 & your birthday would mark 2 months. Cant believe we couldn't even last through to that 😔

Mark my words playa I will be contacting u on that day lol. Can't ghost your homie forever sweetie