#I've got another clip to post from this same stream but I might post that tomorrow instead

[royalarchivist]

Fit: Just keep me updated, you know, you– you've got my number, you've got my DMs, you know, they're always open Pac.

Pac: Yeah! Oh, sure sure sure sure sure. I'm gonna hit– how do you guys say? I'm gonna hit you.

Fit: [Laughs] Yes. That's right.

Pac: I'm gonna hit you up.

Fit: That sounds great. Well, Ramon, are you about ready to go, my boy? Alright, make sure to say goodbye to Richarlyson and Pac. [Notices Richarlyson placed a sign] Oh, what is it?

Pac: Bye, Ramon! Thank you for joining us on the hide and seek.

Richarlyson: WHAATTT? 0_0 and my dad still says he is single that is just losing opportunitie dad

Fit: [Laughs] Oh, Richarlyson, you're funny, you're a funny kid.

Pac: [Laughs] Wait, Richarlyson, you're going to make me shy!

[2-kamikou-1]

boredom.

So I'm infodumping about all my prsk autistic hcs!

Ichika: (i stole this hc from my friend so I'm gonna paraphrase them some + some things I've observed myself) she's kind of awkward around people who aren't her friends and even then it takes her a while to really be herself around them because she fears that autistic traits drive people away. i smell masking. also miku special interest and she seems to sometimes have trouble communicating her emotions

saki and honami: pure vibes honestly idk it just feels that way. saki sometimes struggles with volume control just like her brother but that's also just one thing ive noticed. idk i dont really pay attention to l/n

shiho: her eyes almost always seem to be averted in her live2d models, in cards where they're talking to people they also appear that way, and even in her 2* they don't appear to be looking into the camera (?), all of which give me the impression of poor eye contact. She seems to struggle with tone, almost always sounding mean/upset without meaning to or even realizing, and has trouble communicating things in ways that aren't blunt. This can sometimes also cause them to say things that are inappropriate for the situation

Minori: haruka/idolship special interest, and we also see her struggle with spatial awareness from time to time, like in the Angel's clover 3dmv she stumbles, and other kinds of general physical awkwardness like that one clip from gunjo sanka. She also has that type of black and white thinking where the first thing she thinks is what she goes with and hard to stray from even if it's incorrect, as shown in the opening to the time to hang out event, where she claims she's "missed the only chance to learn about the Haruka she never knew" despite the fact she had the opportunity to meet up with An again, and when Kohane suggests that she tries to dodge it at first. She also seems to have a hard time making her voice flow naturally, in some mmj covers you can kind of hear her trying really hard to sound good instead of just letting her voice flow

Kohane: general social awkwardness, she seems to have an ability to pick up on music and rhythm just by listening to it. She doesn't seem to pick up on Akito's derogatory tone when reffering to Tsukasa (not by name) in that one area conversation ("My school has this wacko who likes to walk around drawing attention to himself by making random poses"), because she proceeds to say she might ask him for tips on how to be confident. In that same area conversation she worries about drawing attention to herself and refuses to look up. She doesn't understand that An's joking when she says she got 100% on her test on April fool's day, yet another example of her not catching onto tone. In one of her dialogs she hears a cricket chirping in the busy city which is not something neurotypical people can pick out typically!

Toya: he doesn't seem to make a lot of jokes, which is likely because he doesn't catch on to them very well. His speaking voice is sort of flat/monotone, and his facial expressions don't vary much either. His issues with eating squid due to its texture can be chalked up to sensory issues. I think he may also have spatial awareness issues but that one's a little far fetched, seeing as he apparently hits his head off train handles.

might i add, kohane and toya get on in a way only 2 autistic people get along. it's hard to explain they just have that dynamic

long post on the entirety of wxs being autistic

Kanade: she doesn't like the sunlight probably due to sensory issues, and in one area conversation she says she'll wait for a movie to hit streaming because it's too noisy outside to go to the theatre. also sensory stuff! She avoids breaks and resists change, wearing and eating the same stuff every day for the sake of consistency. (These can also be signs of ADHD too but I'm choosing to interpret them as autism because comfort)

Mafuyu: mafuyu is a very good example of the loss of identity that is associated with masking and RSD, both things that can happen in autism. this post explains it in more detail, but in the most simple terms, this happens when an autistic (or any neurodivergence that involves RSD) person creates what are called identity masks to deal with people who are unresponsive to their needs. As they treat personalities like clothes and mirror other people, they start to lose sight of their own identity. That's why we see mafuyu so deadpan when she takes off her good-girl persona, she's disconnected from her core self.

Ena: we see her have something very akin to a meltdown in insatiable pale color, when she makes a mess of all her art supplies. She can be offensive without meaning to at times, as shown in the exciting picnic event. In that same event, it's revealed that Ena defended Airi when she was getting made fun of without even knowing who she was, displaying the innate sense of justice that some autistic people have.

[psychicberry]

Major Key Alert (Life Update)

Monday, August 7, 2023

I will start by saying that life updates are cringe. Whenever anyone posts one they disappear again for months, maybe years. But, it's been six months since I've last written, and frankly, I forgot about this blog. This could be due to the fact that I relapsed into my bad habits and couldn't look at a screen for too long without feeling nauseous, so I reverted back to pen and paper. I would have written in my journal today too, but I already turned the lights off and I'm on my laptop. I have a shit ton to talk about, so that's enough preamble.

Perhaps the biggest update, which is a factor in a lot of the other updates, is that I started therapy. As you know, I've struggled with my emetophobia for years, and in 2022, it got significantly worse. I always knew that I needed to go to therapy, to help with my phobia, but I did not know how to go about getting help. Then, this past December, I decided that my feelings and fears were valid and that I needed to see a medical professional and I made an appointment with my primary care physician. I made the appointment under the guise of being tired and sick all of the time, but I mentioned my restrictive eating and unhealthy thoughts. My physician agreed that I needed to start therapy after the tests came back normal for my vitals. I started therapy in mid-January, initially over the phone. I was formally diagnosed with a phobia! Emetophobia, to be specific, a fear of throwing up. The first couple weeks were about processing my thoughts and feelings and how they related to my fear. I learned about anticipatory anxiety, which is exactly what I was feeling. I learned that this fear stemmed from the actions of my father, his detention and DUI, his drunk incidents. I learned that my anxious thoughts aren't my real thoughts, that I can combat them. I learned how to differentiate my anxiety brain from my regular brain and to use healthy coping skills when I do feel anxious. I learned to be more conscious of my thoughts, to notice when and why I might be feeling or thinking certain things. I learned to do socratic questioning when I have cognitive distortions (breaking down the thought to process if it is valid or not). I have now moved on to the exposure therapy part of my treatment. That has also been going well. I have also been talking about closure with my therapist and talking to my father about his actions and the effects they have had on me.

Another update is that I have gotten back on my reading grind and then gotten back off. I started a reading challenge to read 100 books this year and so far I'm at about 56. I slacked off in May and now I'm perpetually behind unless I read like 24 books in one month. Wish me luck on my journey.

This one is probably the biggest change and my newest hyper fixation, but I finally got into K-POP. It started innocently last year with NewJeans and LESSERAFIM, then NMIXX, and then IVE. I swore that I wouldn't get into boy groups cause I didn't get the appeal and they were all the same to me. But then Tik Tok got me... One compilation of Beomgyu being a silly little guy and it was over for me. I am now slowly transitioning into stanning boy groups Together x Tomorrow and Enhypen. I want to buy all of their albums but I'm trying to be responsible with my money so I've relegated myself to streaming their music and watching clips and videos. NewJeans and Tomorrow x Together just performed at Lollapalooza and it physically hurt me to watch the clips, so I never want to regret not going to a concert. Enhypen are currently on tour and I want to go see them so bad. They're going to Chicago and Dallas and I've been trying to decide where I should go and I've been trying to save up. We'll see. I really want to see them. Like really bad. Sigh.

Anyway, thanks for reading.

EN

[softnorwegians]

hi there! i've loved your blog and skam insights for so long, and was really intrigued about what you wrote in your tags about how the use of cherry wine re even's pov was masterful. if you were interested, i'd love to here more about your thoughts in relation to even and cherry wine. no pressure though! sending lots of love, esp after your recent car accident - i've been in one before and they really are so scary and traumatic. i hope you're okay xxx

Aww, thank you, that’s so sweet~ I’m sorry to hear you’ve been through it too but yeah, it shakes you up even when everyone is okay. I think it’s one of those moments that just makes you remember how much is out of your control. I’m honored to have been a go-to blog for so long, it’s hard to believe someone could still be interested in more over a year later! hahaha, I keep thinking I’ve meta-ed all I possibly can… yet somehow, there’s still a little more to scratch? I don’t think I have too much to say except the obvious but I’ll say that for you! 💕 

Okay, so, at that point, we’d already established a lot: song lyrics as a mode of communication from Even, his love of Nas, and more than that, the music in Skam s3 had already been very meta, it’s almost a larger-than-life part of the show. The use of Cherry Wine stands out for me because it came at this heightened moment; there probably wasn’t a time in the season when viewers more wanted an update than after that Friday when everything fell apart. So, we wound up in this interesting place, where we were more ready and anxious to hear from Even than Isak was. The lyrics of Cherry Wine are moving in and of themselves but I think they were even more so because… we immediately get it. That Even doesn’t feel like he can reach out more than indirectly and his meaning with this one is really transparent. It starts here:

The noise in my head, the curse of the talented

Which pings right away as him acknowledging his bipolar, an emotional moment in itself because it’s really the first time we get to see him do that. It’s the first time that Isak and Even and the audience are all on the same page here. In the same text we get:

Strong communicator,vagabondI gallivant around the equator, And that would get me off the radar

Less direct but there’s this sense of owned unreliability (vagabond, gallivant) and also not wanting to be seen (get me off the radar, though I like the other copy of the lyrics that he didn’t use better “if that would get me off the radar”) that really clicks with Even as we’ve seen him; seemingly confident, unpredictable, and in this place of not wanting to tell Isak (before it came out on its own). 

Then there’s a break and next:

It’s so intense, I’m on my Lilo and StitchPour my Pino Grigio with some lime what is this?

Again, it’s an easy read to see him relating this to being bipolar with “It’s so intense, I’m on my Lilo and Stitch”. There’s even a sense of being in a usual state (with on marking it as not always something happening but my marking it something reoccurring and personal) of being pulled in two directions (Lilo and Stitch) there. 

An immaculate version of me and my babyWith all respect ‘cause you the only one that gets me

This keys in perfectly with us just having established ‘baby’ as their petname of choice in the scene the night before. And “an immaculate version” fits really well with that night too, with the white sheets and “uendelig” and the purity of that moment, as well as all the different ‘versions’ of Isak-and-Even being their thing. (This is especially notable as a lyrical pick Even would have had to make himself, because that’s the clean version of the lyrics and not the original ones.) And obviously “With all respect ‘cause you the only one that gets me”… my heart. 😭😭😭 That line really hurts because Even is putting it all out there, how much being with Isak has meant to him, how real it’s been for him and how he’s felt like Isak really gets him… but it’s only coming after Isak is thinking he doesn’t really know him at all. Which Even would be well aware was likely to be happening right now.

Where is he? The man who was just like meI heard he was hiding somewhere I can’t seeWhere is he? The man who was just like meHeard he was hiding somewhere I can’t see

And then obviously this hurtssss too because you know it’s a question Even probably asked in more than one way, he probably did ask where Isak was when he was coming down from the episode and now he’s more figurative asking it. And once again reinforcing the connection and similarity between them, right as he’s aware it might be breaking… ouch.

And I’m alone and I realize that when I get homeI wanna go through my red and my cherryYes, I’m alone and I realize when I get homeI wanna go through my red and my cherry

“And I’m alone and I realize that when I get home” just… it makes me think Julie Andem had this song in mind all along when structuring the end of ep 8. This is why it feels so masterful, it’s speaking for Even without requiring him to actually speak. We couldn’t really get anymore from Even at this point because Isak is our pov character and he isn’t ready to talk to him again but Cherry Wine brings us through exactly what Even must have gone through post 15:15-1:01 himself. On one hand, there’s an underlying unease you get from the resignation of “And I’m alone” moving to “Yes, I’m alone”. It fits into how he feels alone in his brain and also how he was talking the night before about losing what they had, anticipating it before it happened. The melancholy and yearning feeling of this section, the reaching out with “I wanna go through my red and my cherry” is perfect to bring you from Even last night to Even now. It’s especially poignant, how much the lyrics are about searching and calling out. As he’s showing by sending these lyrics in the first place, Even might have been telling himself that losing Isak was inevitable but he doesn’t want to. He’s still reaching out with this, it’s just in a very heartbreaking way.

Yeah, yeah, let’s pour some cherry wineEverything’s good, everything’s fineYeah, yeah, we bring it every timeYeah, pour a little cherry wine

Yeah, hey yo, salaam, yeah, I think they know the timeEverything’s good, everything’s fineYeah, pour a little cherry wine, yeahLife is good, life is good, yeah

Life is good, no matter whatLife is good, life is goodLife if [sic] good, yeah, no matter whatLife is good

And then the lyrics end with this repetition of both “Everything’s good, everything’s fine” and “Life is good” that here reads like an attempt at self-reassurance, an attempt to keep things together when things clearly aren’t fine and Even isn’t able to see that “life is good” at all. The staccato repetition of the end is something that becomes a good split between Even and Isak’s perspectives too: for Even, it feels like he needs to keep repeating this to himself, keep trying to tell himself this and for Isak, it emphasizes how all of this is speeding past as he reads, not really getting through and seeming an incomprehensible stream of words.

That’s the other real point of genius with this, it’s well established to us that Isak isn’t getting all this from the lyrics. The clip opens with this tense, ominous guitar riff and Isak reading about bipolar disorder and the sound of all these texts coming in close together that he’s ignoring. So of course we get it, that he doesn’t get it. That it seems like maybe another inexplicable thing Even is doing because he’s manic, that it reminds Isak too much of the incoherent strings of biblical texts that he gets from his mother and ignores. It also opens with this already in progress (the first thing we hear is a text arriving) and since the lyrics we get are the end of the song, it’s very likely Even has been sending him the whole thing. Which makes it easier for us to do a targeted reading on what Even means by this but harder for Isak. 

And then there’s this really nice other layer that comes with Skam being very grounded in the real world, that you can go read about the song and any meta about it does exist for them too. So this time, it was such a punch in the gut to have someone point out after this clip:

Annnnnnd know that Even would most likely know that as a fan of Nas. You can even go back and pick through the rest of the lyrics we didn’t see him send and do a deep read on them too, like “I want some who like the champagne I like / My a-alike, someone to talk me off the bridge any day or night” and know Even is over there connected to this too. So now we get to go into this week hearing about what Even is feeling from Even himself… and yet we kind of got this message under Isak’s nose. He was there, he read it too but only we fully got the message. This was just such a smart way to make use of his limited perspective.

Cherry Wine is more vital than it might seem because it’s really our one window into Even’s thoughts before we get his text in at the end of ep 9. I think it serves to get us there, to see just how deeply this could have effected him, when we have an idea of how much Even much is trying to say and the response being “Hi Even. I don’t understand shit right now. Stop texting me.” It allows us to be more in Even’s head with the depth of the loss he feels, which is important when he’s about to go to such a low place after this.