#I've only got like a dozen of these left mostly haven't taken them out of fear and because I know I can't replace them

[auroras-void]

Dipped into my ""totally legal"" secret Adderall stash today for like the first time in like a year, and like holy shit I forgot what it felt like to function like a normal human being. Like, I've only tried taking it like maybe a half dozen times total, but every single time it blows my mind how much of a night and day difference it makes. Like all of a sudden all that ADHD advice I've heard thousands of times before that's literally never done anything for me starts magically functioning perfectly. I set my pomodoros and I follow them, I make my lists, I check my notes, I write my stickies, I remember to reward myself only when I'm done. I let all my unhealthy coping mechanisms and mind numbing distractions drop away and I get more done in 4 hours than I have in the past 3 weeks.

I think I really hate my psychiatrist at this point. It's honestly kinda astounding that I haven't been allowed to get a diagnosis and a prescription at this point. I've had like 4 or 5 therapists suggest ADHD completely independently and unprompted. I've done the weird computer test thingy and gotten back a moderate. My anxiety and depression have gotten way better and my executive functioning still hasn't improved.

But she still says I need to wait more, and that ADHD is rare. That it's probably still just depression. She still asks me the same boilerplate questions every appointment and doesn't listen to any of my overly long replies to each one beyond what it takes to round it to the nearest multiple choice answer. Still doesn't really care about what my therapists have had to say, or what I have to tell her. Still doesn't tell me what the fuck is going on with anything or help make the nightmare of american healthcare any less of one.

Just, god I've been asking for help with this for so long, I've said thousands of times that literally nothing has worked. That none of the thousands of stupid CBT exercises I've been given have made any difference. That it all just gets lost in my head like an hour later. And the one thing I have tried that's worked and made everything else click I can't even tell anyone about without sounding like a drug addict and making everything else worse because I got it from a friend instead of a doctor.

Literally getting on hormones was a thousand times easier than this. Like there I knew I could be confident, that I could fight if I ever ran into any trouble and I was lucky enough to live in an area where I knew there would be good people on the other side of that fight once I got there who would help me with everything else.

I feel so scared to advocate for myself here because the more I do it feels like the more resistance I meet, the more I sound like I just want to get high. But if I don't then nothing happens. I just become more disillusioned with mental healthcare and therapy that hasn't done shit for me. I miss more and more appointments because I forget and I feel more and more like there's no point in rescheduling.

Maybe I should just find a drug dealer instead lol. Seems a lot easier.