#IDIOTIC piece of machinery. what’s gonna happen is I’m going to kill someone’s | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

ezra-blue · 8 years

Text

You’ve Got Something - 24

24: Ringing In The New

Goku goes into the New Year by admitting some difficult truths to Sanzo, and as Sanzo copes, Goku is brought deeper into the Sanzo family’s reality.

Word Count: ~7000

This chapter was originally going to be two, but I decided that it would be best to merge them.

24: Ringing In The New

Christmas brunch could not have possibly gone worse.

Toudai was an asshole to Gojyo. Sanzo normally wouldn't object, he was usually an asshole to Gojyo, but Toudai had done it on a spectacularly unjustified level. From the tight expression Hakkai had worn when he'd abandoned the table to chase Gojyo down and comfort him, Toudai was lucky to be walking away with all of his teeth, with only Hakkai's restraint and need to ensure Gojyo wasn't breaking down shielding him. Goku had known the problem all along and had chosen not to say anything, caught between his loyalty to his boss and Sanzo.

Sanzo was pissed. He'd known Goku could be kind of an idiot, but this was a bridge too far. He also knew Goku was just as upset at himself as anything, so he knew scolding him wouldn't do anything. Goku was trying to put a brave face on, forcing a smile for Toudai and Koumyou as they waited for a taxi (their idea, not his, stubborn old goats), as Sanzo waited in the driver's seat, drumming his fingernails on the wheel and mulling it over in his head. When Goku sat down, though, he subdued and pulled his shoulders in. “Thanks for the ride home, Sanzo.”

“Hmph.” Sanzo put the car into gear and drove. He never said he was taking Goku home yet. It was far too rare for him and Goku to actually be alone, but now they were isolated. Koumyou had said that he found many people opened up behind closed doors, but that wasn't just limited to a therapist's office and sofa (the thought of which only reminded Sanzo of a conversation he was going to have to have with Koumyou later because what the hell, Dad, you're retired!), and people often felt safe in their cars. Sure, a two-ton piece of heavy machinery that killed more people every year than anything else, that felt safe. But at least he and Goku were alone, with no risk of interruption.

He started off driving towards Goku's shitty apartment, but veered off down a different road before he reached the tracks. Goku raised an eyebrow and raised a hand. “Uh, Sanzo, I don't live this way.”

“I know.” Sanzo knew where he was going. What he needed to know was where he and Goku were going.

He stopped in the parking lot of a dog park, threw the car into park, and took his seat belt off to twist around and face Goku. “This can't happen again.”

Goku shrank, his shoulders rising over his ears. “I know. I'm sorry--”

“Quit apologizing. I know what actually went down wasn't your fault, but hiding it from me – I don't have time for that bullshit.” Sanzo crossed his arms as Goku continued to shrink down. “Hakkai might tolerate Gojyo prevaricating and vacillating and hiding shit, but I don't.”

Goku sucked his lower lip in, chewed it, then slowly spat out: “You don't get it.” He put his fists down and set his shoulders back, but glared at the console of the car rather than Sanzo. “I've never dealt with this stuff before, okay? I've never had parents, and I've never had to worry about the parents of a boyfriend or girlfriend or anything.”

“You think I know what I'm doing? Shit.” Sanzo rolled his eyes, then took Goku's chin in his hand. “If you tell me, we can do it together.”

Goku blinked, bright eyes flashing with confusion. “You mean that?”

“I do.” Sanzo ran his hand up to Goku's hair. “Unfamiliar territory is best walked with someone else.” Goku relaxed a little when Sanzo ruffled his hair. “As for taking sides, I'm on nobody's side but my own. If you're walking my way, then so be it.”

“Yeah. Okay. I'll try not to hide stuff from you next time.” Goku pushed his head into Sanzo's palm like a dog starved for attention, grinning like he was supposed to for the first time all day.

Exactly what Sanzo wanted. Crisis averted. Goku understood things left unsaid much more than Sanzo gave him credit for sometimes. He thought the conversation was over, but as he tried to withdraw, Goku grabbed his hand.

“Hey, Sanzo?” Goku twisted around in the passenger seat. His gaze went steely, and he set his jaw. He'd obviously made his mind up about something. “There's something I gotta tell you.”

Sanzo frowned, but let Goku clasp his hand in both of his. “I'm listening.”

Goku nodded, then sucked in a breath, filling his lungs, then squeezed Sanzo's hand. “I... I'm a guy, okay? You know that. I'm a guy, I act like a guy, I dress like a guy, most of my friends are guys, okay? But...” He squeezed his eyes shut. “I wasn't always a guy.”

Sanzo felt that like a blow to the chest. “What.”

“I don't usually say it like that. Um, it's like this.” Goku released Sanzo's hand and laced his fingers together. “Uhm, you know how when you're born, the doctor looks between your legs and says, 'this is a boy,' 'this is a girl,' they probably looked between your legs and said you were a boy, right? They looked at me and said I was a girl.” He squeezed his eyes shut. “So for a while, I had to wear dresses and hair bows, they called me a girl's name, and they made me play with baby dolls and pink stuff because they thought I was a girl, but the thing was, in my head, I didn't feel like a girl.” Sanzo could see Goku's knees shaking. “I liked monster trucks and wrestling and I hated Barbie, and I hated wearing pigtails and dresses, and I told Mama, 'stop treating me like a girl,' and then Mama took me to a special doctor in Sacramento and they put together that even though I had a girl's body, I was a boy on the inside.”

“You're telling me you're not biologically male.” Sanzo couldn't be hearing this right. Nothing about Goku seemed feminine in the least. “You said you were how old when you...?”

“Four.” Goku bit his lip. “Mama said it was just a glitch when God was putting me together. My head and heart and soul are all boy, but my body isn't.” He fidgeted again. “But some of me is a boy! I've, um, been on shots since I was nine.”

Sanzo ran his eyes over Goku's body. “Shots.”

“Testosterone.” Goku seemed to feel Sanzo staring at him, and subconsciously pulled his arms over himself. “I started it basically around when I hit puberty, so I started girl puberty a little, but it stopped short and I went through guy puberty. That's why I got a low voice and my face is a guy's, and I don't have girly hips.” He extended a hand to touch Sanzo's wrist. “But if you feel here?” Sanzo let Goku take his wrist and guide it to his shoulder. He pressed Sanzo's palm in, and Sanzo felt something under Goku's shirt. “That's a binder. I kinda have...” Goku traced a little circle around his chest, and Sanzo filled in the blanks and nodded. Goku shuddered. “Yeah, I kinda hate 'em. They're not big, 'cause like I said, I started testosterone early, and I'm saving for top surgery to get 'em off. Mama says that 'cause they're small and I don't wear my binding stuff too much, the surgery should be a lot easier, they can just do a keyhole instead of double-incision or – uh, guess you wouldn't know about all that.”

Sanzo sucked air in through his nose and studied Goku again. Top surgery. That meant there was a bottom surgery. “You don't have a dick.”

“Nope.” Goku hung his head. “And, uh, that's a lot more complicated. At least with top surgery, they're just taking something off. Bottom surgery means you're putting somethin' in that wasn't there before.” He laughed, sharp and anxious, and ran his hand into his hair and gripped it against his scalp. “I mean, when a girl gets breast implants, that's under the skin, so it's easier to hide that! You can't just, y'know, make something where there's kinda nothing.” He released his hair, his shoulders hunching. “So, uh, there's really good odds I'm never gonna have a dick. There's stuff you can do down there to sorta make a fake, but there's no real good way of making one that's gonna match yours. Plus, it's crazy expensive.” He scrunched his nose, and looked up at Sanzo. “So, I kinda came to peace with that. I pack most days, especially if I'm gonna wear tighter pants, and feeling something there is good enough for me. I might get a hysterectomy sooner rather than later, 'cause having a vagina's not a problem but I know getting knocked up would really set my dysphoria off. If I've ever got enough money, I can consider my options.”

Sanzo frowned, as Goku tried to set his shoulders back again and lift his face. Goku was baring his soul, and yet he still found himself searching over Goku's body. He wasn't sure he'd ever met someone who'd transitioned before, and suddenly found himself intimately close. He gathered his thoughts, still trying to put the new information together with the Goku he knew. “Alright,” he murmured after a moment, but shook his head again. Goku sat back, sucking on his lower lip and puzzling.

“Um... did you have any questions?”

Sanzo let a beat of silence pass, as a few children ran through the twirling snow flurries past the front bumper towards the park, a barking retriever of some sort in tow, but Goku only looked once, barely distracted. “What's your name?”

“Goku Son.”

Sanzo snorted. “What was it?”

Goku cringed. “Uh. That's, uh, not an okay question. They call it a 'deadname' for a reason. I kinda buried it when I cut my hair off – like, Mama dug a hole, and we tossed my hair and dresses and girl stuff in there and buried it. Mama changed my name and birth certificate. She kept a tiny bit of my old name, but I honestly prefer not thinking about who I was before then.” He hung his head. “It wasn't me.”

“Oh.” Sanzo frowned, and withdrew from the line he'd crossed. “Sorry.”

Goku's eyes widened with surprise. “Oh, wow, uh, it's okay, really! You didn't know, you don't gotta apologize. I don't think I've ever heard you – anyway.” He withdrew again, his hands clasping in his lap. “Anything else?”

Sanzo mulled it over. “You're... considering top surgery.”

“Definitely want that. Mama's got a special savings fund for it. I send whatever money I got left after the bills get paid, and she matches it.” Goku wrung his fingers. “I almost have two-thousand dollars in there now, so maybe once I'm working full time, I'll get enough this year. At least the hysterectomy might actually be covered by my insurance, y'know?” He grinned sheepishly. “Mama told me I have a higher risk of ovarian cancer 'cause of the T, so getting all that scooped out could be considered preventative care.”

Sanzo shuddered at the thought of Goku talking about his body like it was just something to be cut and changed, but gathered his thoughts for another question. “And you still use testosterone.”

“Uh-huh. Every three weeks, Mama drives me down to Sacramento. I get a great big needle and my butt's sore for a few days, but it's a maintenance dose. I'll likely be on some form of testosterone for the rest of my life, since some of the changes aren't permanent.” He frowned to himself. “Hopefully the clinic I go to stays open for a good long time. Mama said it's hard to find a good doctor who'll help me and not treat me like crap 'cause I wasn't born a guy.” Sanzo examined Goku's face, then put a hand on his shoulder.

“I can ask if Koumyou knows of anyone closer who does hormone and reassignment therapy. Sacramento's three hours away, that's one hell of a drive for a needle.”

“Oh, the drive's not a problem, Mama and me sing road songs the whole way, and plus we'll usually do a nice lunch together and go shopping while we're...” Goku trailed off, as if just realizing what Sanzo had said. “Look, I'm tryin' not to look a gift horse in the mouth here, but now the shock's worn off, you seem really weirdly okay with this.”

Sanzo's brow knit up, but he put his other hand over Goku's and squeezed. “Yeah. I didn't ask your dick out. I didn't give your flat chest and manly pectoral muscles my number. I wanted to see you. I'm just seeing you for who you are now.” He frowned. “It's more complicated than I expected, but it's still just you. Thank you for trusting me.”

Goku's nearly stoic explanation broke, and his voice cracked: “You mean you're not breaking up with me?!”

“No. Idiot, did I say I was?”

Goku groaned and sagged, turning so he could slump in the passenger seat. “Oh my gosh, I thought for sure – but you're not!”

“No,” Sanzo repeated, rolling his eyes.

“But you're gay! Hakkai said you were only into dudes!”

“You started this whole rant off with the very clear statement that you were a dude.” Sanzo folded his arms. “Look at me.” Goku barely lifted his chin, and Sanzo stared him down. “Why did you wait this long?”

Goku hummed and lowered his face again. “Well, at first it didn't matter, 'cause we just met, why the heck would you care? And then, well, you hadn't seen my body or even asked me to take my shirt off, and we weren't having sex or nothing, so it didn't matter. Then I just had to figure out when to break it to ya that maybe I wasn't everything you thought I was.”

“Idiot. It's exactly like you said. You are not just your parts.” Sanzo threaded his fingers into Goku's hair again. Goku leaned into his touch, and Sanzo felt something like sunlight melting ice down his face. “You're a companion, not a sex toy. This is fine. We'll figure it out together.”

“Thank you,” Goku whispered, and put his face in Sanzo's shoulder, leaning over the center console to sink against Sanzo. “Thank you, thank you, thank you.”

Sanzo could feel that Goku had something thicker under his clothes now that he was feeling for it, but it didn't change that it felt very nice to hold Goku against him, like sunshine melting snow.

Sanzo let Goku hug him until the snow flurries had covered the windshield, at which point he turned the wipers on, which caught Goku's attention. “Oh, jeez, it's coming down now.”

“There are still people in the park, so it can't be that bad.” Sanzo turned the front defroster on. “But I'll get you home before the roads get icy.”

“Thank you.” Goku sat back and put his seat belt back on, though Sanzo caught him still quivering a little out of the corner of his eye. Sanzo knew that this had changed next to nothing between them, but he faintly realized that maybe it should.

“Do you want me to take you to Sacramento?” He put the car in gear just as Goku whipped around again, gaping. “For your shot.”

“S-Sanzo – I – uh, I have an hour of therapy when I go down there, too. You'd be bored.”

“I can amuse myself for an hour. If you'd rather keep this a special thing with you and 'Mama,' that's fine, but if you ever want to take me, you need only ask.” He paused. “Does 'Mama' have a name?”

“You could just call her Mother Bosatsu, I guess.” Goku sniffed, his lower lip wiggling through a big, wobbly smile. “And... yeah. Maybe we can do a Sacramento day trip together some time.” He smiled and snaked an arm over to Sanzo's shoulder, tugging him sideways in his seat. Sanzo grunted his annoyance, but let Goku have it. Goku had given him plenty today, he should at least make a token effort to meet him in the middle.

“Do you have big New Year's plans?” Koumyou could make loaded questions sound dreadfully innocent, and Sanzo peered out of his office to glare at him. He was filling out his accreditation forms at his desk using one of the pens decorated with a peacock feather and not quite looking at Sanzo, his smiling eyes down on his desk. Sanzo could already tell he was fishing. One of the things that made Koumyou a good therapist was that he could get the information he really wanted by asking questions around it in a careful waltz until he was taking the last step and had come in for the kill. Sanzo had gotten used to listening for it.

“Why do you want to know? You trying to make plans?”

“Ah, no, your father and I will do what we usually do.” Koumyou giggled. “Dinner, then stay in and watch a benefit concert on television. I think Marin Alsopp will be conducting the SFSO this year. I suppose I'd like to know if you'd like us to include you in our reservations, or if you were going to do something else this year.”

It sounded so reasonable. Koumyou was good at sounding reasonable. Sanzo's suspicion couldn't so easily be assuaged. “Hm. Maybe.”

“Let's see.” Koumyou paused and brushed the feather of the pen across his lower lip. “Hakkai told me he and Gojyo were going to a wine tasting. Did he invite you to join them?”

“Goku can't drink.” Sanzo bit his own tongue the second the words came out. Koumyou merely hummed, but Sanzo knew Koumyou needed more. “I haven't asked him about his plans yet.”

“Oh, really? Perhaps if you were going to make plans, it would be prudent to make them.” Koumyou returned to filling out his paperwork and hummed vacantly. Sanzo grimaced and scooted back into his office.

Making plans meant plans could be broken, but Goku had proven his worth every time Sanzo had taken the risk. He picked his phone up and dialed Goku's number without hesitating.

Goku picked up promptly. “Just a sec, greasy fingers!” Sanzo rolled his eyes, but he heard a frantic scuffle on the other side as Goku hurried to find some way to clean his hands (and likely his face). Then, Goku returned: “Sorry about that. What's up?”

Sanzo sniffed. “Do you have New Year's Eve plans?”

“Me an' some friends were gonna go to a movie.” Goku paused. “But, um, that's not totally set in stone, y'know? Did you want to make some plans?”

Sanzo felt a little relief at Goku understanding without him even trying to explain. “I'm not picky. Dinner?”

“Sure!”

“I'll make reservations.”

Goku, on the other end, gasped. “So, it'll be like a dinner date? Just you and me?” He heard Goku just off the receiver, “I've never been on an actual dinner date!” Then, he came back on. “N'then, maybe we could find somewhere nice to listen to music? I know you like that.”

Sanzo did. “I can do some looking and see if there are any places still accepting reservations with live entertainment.”

“Sure! Anything's fine, I can find something to eat on any menu. Usually I kinda wanna eat half of the menu.” Goku chuckled. “Just tell me where and what time, yeah? I'll be there, bells on!”

“I'll text you.” He hung up, but he could faintly hear Goku celebrating off speaker as he did. He had a funny feeling Goku hadn't been sure whether or not Sanzo would ask him out on a date again. He didn't tell Sanzo this, of course, because Sanzo would likely give him a good kick in the ass and tell him, 'I already told you once!' He couldn't lie and say that even after having him over for Christmas dinner that he'd completely come to terms with the knowledge that Goku was trans. He still, embarrassingly, found himself looking for any tells that Goku wasn't male. He'd found none thus far.

At the same time, Sanzo got the feeling Goku was waiting for Sanzo to decide he wasn't worth the trouble. Maybe he should take this opportunity to prove it.

He did so, with one last addendum by text message: “Bring an overnight bag with a change of clothes.”

Sanzo had no idea where Goku put all the free bread they'd put on the table at the restaurant. All he knew was that the waiters had replaced the basket at least three times and he'd only taken one roll for himself. How did someone so small pack away that much bread, a full plate of pesto, ask about the gnocchi Sanzo hadn't eaten (to the point of having his hand slapped away when Goku jokingly reached for it), and still want dessert?

On the bright side, whereas Goku was loud and enthusiastic, encouraging conversation, asking Sanzo to tell him how good his meal was and expressing how awesome the food was, when the band came out, a jazz quartet, Goku quieted down, speaking only in stage whispers to the waiter to ask for refills and the dessert menu, so Sanzo could enjoy the music. Goku did talk between songs:

“What was that one called? Do you know this song? Who wrote it?”

Sanzo found he usually knew at least one answer, and had no good reason not to tell Goku as much as he could. Goku admitted, “I listen to music, but only, like on the radio. Nataku puts orchestra stuff on while he's studying, but he doesn't actually know anything about it and he puts his headphones on sometimes, so I don't know much about it. The stuff you listen to is pretty neat, though! How'd you get so into jazz and stuff?”

“College,” Sanzo answered steadily, as Goku fidgeted with his soda glass, having long since scraped every last trace of chocolate mousse from his dessert plate. “I listened to the college radio and started to hear some songs I liked, so I researched the musicians independently. Soon, I just learned to listen for the songs that resonated with me. I listen to everything.”

“Cool! Do you do, like, deep cuts and stuff?”

“I'll listen to a full album, if that's what you mean. If I really like something that's not popular, then yes, I make an effort to listen to it when I feel like it.”

Goku glowed appreciatively. “You're all deep and considerate and stuff. It's so cool and cute.”

Sanzo felt his cheeks glow in return. “I just am.”

“Yeah, it's great.” Goku beamed, and the room only got warmer.

Sanzo suggested they leave by eleven, hoping to avoid any drivers who'd celebrated a little too hard, and Goku made no argument. He was perfectly happy to exhort all the fun they'd had up until that point as if Sanzo hadn't been there, enjoying it too. Sanzo couldn't admonish him as he chattered the entire car ride back to his parents' home. When they arrived, the shop was dark and locked, but there was a light on in an upstairs room. Goku hiked his backpack up his shoulders as Sanzo unlocked the door, and Sanzo guided Goku through the dark shop and to the stairwell. The front room on the second floor opened into a lounge where Toudai and Koumyou were sharing a worn-looking leather sofa and watching television. Koumyou hailed them with a wave as they walked past the door.

“Boys, welcome back. Would you care to join us? Madame Alsopp is about to take the podium.”

Sanzo grunted. “Not enough room on the sofa for four. We'll watch in my room.”

Toudai tipped his focus from the television for a moment to raise an eyebrow. Goku, however, gaped at Sanzo. “Wow, you got your own TV?”

“I insisted after sixteen years of passive-aggressive squabbles over whether we would watch primetime dramas or the cooking channel.” Sanzo continued to lead Goku up the stairs. “Besides, I preferred Jeopardy.”

“Lucky! We always had to draw straws at the foster house! Luckily, most everyone wanted to watch cartoons...” Goku tromped up after him to the third floor. Both of them missed the quick, nonverbal exchange between Toudai and Koumyou, Toudai gesturing furiously in their wake and Koumyou stifling a giggle.

Sanzo's bedroom was pretty sparsely appointed. He had a double bed, a chest of drawers that looked like unfinished wood, a bookshelf, and a television stand with, of course, a TV. Sanzo pushed the pillows against the wall like a makeshift daybed and gestured. “Get comfy.”

“Thanks!” Goku took his shoes off and put them by the door, dropped his backpack next to Sanzo's chest, and hopped onto the bed, shoulders against the wall, spread out so he could face the TV. Sanzo sat closer to the edge of the bed, but he yawned before he'd even settled in. Goku nudged Sanzo's hip with his toe. “Are you sleepy?”

Sanzo cast a glare in Goku's direction. “No.” As if to betray him, he yawned again, but cleared the roughness from his voice to add, “I'm used to early mornings, not late nights.”

“What time are you usually asleep?” Goku kicked his feet around. Sanzo muttered something, and Goku nudged his hip again. “Louder?”

“Nine.” Sanzo rolled his eyes. “And up by five. Forgive me for not being a spry college student pulling all-nighters.”

Goku snickered. “Man, if words could actually hurt a guy! Watch the sarcasm there, jeez. And it's okay! If you wanna get into your PJs and get actually comfy, it's okay. I'll put mine on, too!” Goku jumped back off the bed and went for his backpack, but paused just as he went for the zipper. “That's cool, right?”

Goku was holding his gaze, and it took Sanzo a moment for his brain to catch up with Goku's unspoken question. Then he remembered Goku was kind of an idiot. “Yeah. It's a sleepover. If you wanna change in the bathroom, it's across the hall. If you want a glass of water or a snack, you know where the kitchen is. Just don't go up the stairs, that's Toudai and Koumyou's suite.” He waved Goku off, but Goku looked grateful. For all of Goku's stupidities, it was nice that he wasn't presuming anything.

Sanzo shucked his overshirt and pants and flopped down on his bed again. Might as well get used to being comfortable around someone else now.

When Goku returned, it was in a tight-looking white tank top and boxer shorts with a monkey printed on it. Sanzo knew he was staring, but he hoped he was more subtle than Goku. Goku stopped cold for a moment, gaping, then shook it off and hopped back on the bed, leaving a little distance between the pair of them. Sanzo sat up and scooted so they could sit close, and Goku raised his eyebrows, but took the opportunity to wrap an arm around Sanzo's waist.

On TV, the conductor stepped to the podium and raised her baton, the orchestra members lifted their instruments and played a single note in unison, and Sanzo relaxed into Goku's shoulder. He was surprisingly solid for someone so small, and who clearly still had his share of cracks under the surface, and as Sanzo closed his eyes, Goku started to smooth his palm in little circles on his back. “Hey, if you're sleepy, it's okay. I'll tuck you in if you doze off.”

Sanzo was already lolling against him. Goku rested the side of his head against Sanzo's and pulled him closer by the waist. He wasn't sure how many liberties he could take with Sanzo, if he was allowed to stroke his hair or take his shirt the rest of the way off, but he let Sanzo doze against him as the music started to play.

When midnight came, Goku was still contentedly watching the concert, and Sanzo was fast asleep against him. “Hey, Sanzo?” Goku nudged him as the little countdown in the corner of the screen neared zero. “It's midnight. Did you want me to be your first kiss of the New Year?” Sanzo lifted his head a little, opening an eye halfway, then sat up and slid his arm up Goku's back.

“Don't ask me stupid questions.” He captured Goku around the shoulder and tugged him close, nose to nose, then hesitated. Goku, too, could see the countdown on the screen, and whispered it:

“Nine, eight, seven, six...” Sanzo's hand trembled on his shoulder, and Goku put his lip against Sanzo's chin and finished: “Five-four-three-two--!”

Sanzo closed the distance and kissed him, and Goku closed his arms around him. Sanzo's kiss was lazy and deep, and Goku forgot about time.

Sanzo fell asleep with Goku still tasting his mouth, and Goku eased him down onto the bed the rest of the way, then cuddled up to his side. He managed to turn the lamp off without moving, but left the television on, and music washed over them as they fell into solace without a sound.

Goku woke at four in the morning with his stomach growling. He could practically feel his stomach shaking the bed as it growled and complained at him, and he grimaced and sat up. “I knew I should have grabbed some more breadsticks for a midnight snack.” He untangled his legs from Sanzo's and stretched as he rose. Something felt off; his chest was a little sore, but he couldn't be sure why. “Probably just 'cause it's a different bed.” He glanced back at Sanzo where he still slept, breathing softly into his pillow. Sanzo's bed was really comfy; the top was as squishy as a marshmallow, the blankets thick and soft, and the whole thing smelled a little like Sanzo's soap and cigarettes. He kind of never wanted to get out.

Goku found the pantry easily and found a box of crackers. Hopefully, Toudai and Koumyou wouldn't notice a few missing. Or a sleeve. He found himself stretching his arms over his head again as he ate a few, but it was only as he itched at his chest that he realized the problem.

“Crap, fell asleep in my binder like an idiot!” He put the crackers down on the counter and quickly started yanking the Velcro loose on the sides. He breathed just a little easier with the compression off, but just as he went to take the tank off, he heard a gasp from the door and looked up to see a shadow blocking the dim light from the hall.

Toudai in a dressing robe. Gawking at him.

Goku covered his chest with his arm, trying not to panic. “M-Mister Toudai!” He grabbed the crackers off the counter. “Sorry, I was just gettin' a snack – I'll clean up the mess, I'm sorry!” Toudai's mouth was still agape, his shoulders slumped, and Goku waved his free hand. “I, uh, I can explain–”

“Wait.” Toudai compressed his forehead in his hand, his thumb and pinky pressed to his temples at his hairline. “Calm down. You don't owe me an explanation. Here.” He slid his robe off and held it out. “Take that thing off, you can wear this. I may not know much, but I know you shouldn't sleep in it.”

Goku felt his face flush, but as he took the robe, Toudai turned on his heel. “Meet me in the den upstairs. I wish to have a very serious conversation with you.” He strode away, brooking no argument, and Goku cringed and carefully peeled his binder the rest of the way off.

Crap, crap, crap.

Toudai's robe was three sizes too big for Goku, still a little warm off of his chest and carrying the faint scent of chamomile. Toudai had worn pajamas underneath, at least, and Goku was a little relieved he wouldn't have to have this 'very serious conversation' with Toudai shirtless. Toudai had settled on one end of the sofa, and had pulled a leather tuffet close. He patted the smaller cushion as Goku entered the room. “Sit, my boy.” Goku obediently sat near him, pulling the robe around so he wouldn't crush the velvet, and Toudai slapped a hand on his back. “This... whatever this is, changes nothing. If Kouryuu likes you as you are, that is all that's important to us.”

“Mr. Toudai, I'm sorry – I would'a told you, but--”

“It's not important to me. Your gender changes nothing, and as far as I care, it hasn't changed.” He actually smirked. “At least three of the young fellows I coached needed me to help them pack their shorts so they looked right for competitions. That's not what I wanted to talk to you about.” Toudai squeezed his shoulder. “Where are you getting your hormones?”

That wasn't what Goku was expecting. He quickly searched Toudai's face for the deeper meaning, but found only stone cold demand. “Uh, I go to a doctor in Sacramento every three weeks for my T shot.”

“Okay.” Toudai sagged, clearly relieved. “Thank you. That's reassuring. I...” Toudai heaved a sigh, collapsing like a hollow mountain. “I need you to promise me something.” Toudai slid his hand down Goku's arm and took his hand. Goku sat up, listening intently, as Toudai squeezed his fingers. “I need you to promise me that no matter how hard things get, how impatient you are to transition, anything, you do not chase under-the-table testosterone, you do not take more than your doctor orders you, and for Heaven's sake, no matter what you do, never, never--” He clamped Goku's hand tight. “NEVER share a needle.”

Toudai's grip hurt, but his hand was shaking. Goku squeezed his hand back. “I promise.”

Toudai leaned in towards Goku, still clenching his hand. “You don't understand, boy. I may not be here next year to remind you of this. Hell, your relationship with Kouryuu is still hardly in its infancy, you may not be around, either. But know that Koumyou will help you, if it comes to that, just, please, never get so desperate that you make a foolish mistake like I did!”

Goku sucked in a breath. “Mister Toudai?”

Toudai's hand was still shaking. “I have made countless mistakes, my boy. I suffered through twenty years of a loveless marriage to a woman who spent our every damned photo op comparing me to her senorita lover under her breath, and only able to see Koumyou in the night, sneaking around. I turned down so many opportunities for the sake of protecting my identity. Worst, I tried to keep up with my failing body through my latter years of athletics with – with...” Toudai inhaled and exhaled, clearly straining to scrape his soul clean. “You can't imagine what it's like. To sacrifice one's happiness for years for the sake of success, only to see it drained by age... I thought I had no choice but to use HGH to keep up.”

Goku didn't dare say a word. Not with Toudai still shaking in front of him. Toudai shook his head. “It's horrible, isn't it? My pride and stubbornness drove me to... to...” He grimaced. “My own gravestone.” He forced himself ramrod straight. “It was the early nineties. I knew of blood-borne diseases, but there were no massive public information campaigns, and it wasn't taught when I was in school. I was flying blind, and though I knew long-term steroid use would have negative consequences, I thought that just a little, just until I could retire, it wouldn't... But it was illicitly acquired, and shared with...” Toudai swallowed hard. “Others. Other gay men. We knew of HIV, but it was not widely known all the ways it could be spread, and...”

Goku trembled. “Mr. Toudai? You mean you...”

Toudai's hands tensed, and he withdrew from Goku. “I've been HIV positive since the year we adopted Kouryuu.” He hung his head, lacing his fingers until his knuckles went white. “I've been fortunate. We're both professionals, well-to-do, and able to afford antiretroviral therapy and enzyme suppressants. It's become harder since my diagnosis became publicly known and I was forced to retire, even more when my medicine caused me to develop diabetes, but we've managed. However, just a few weeks ago...” He shook his head. “My viral load has steadily increased over the last few years. As of three weeks ago, I've been diagnosed with AIDS.”

“Oh, oh man.” Goku shook his head. “I'm sorry, I'm really sorry, I had no--”

“Why are you apologizing, boy?” Toudai shook his head again, his forehead falling forward. “You didn't force me to take that dirty needle. You had nothing to do with anything I've done. I... I know I seem a crotchety old grouch, but it frustrates me to watch you young people make the same mistakes I did. I want to share what I know, what I've learned, but I can't force you to do what is correct. I can only ask that you hear me out.”

Goku launched himself off of his little stool and hugged Toudai around the shoulders. “Of course. And you're right. I promise I'll never share needles, I promise I'll listen to my doctor.” He hugged Toudai tight, embracing him despite Toudai's shock. “An', please don't be afraid to touch me. I'm smart, I know you're not contagious to me.” He sat right beside Toudai, as Toudai collected himself. “It's okay. I know me an' Sanzo haven't been together long, but he means a lot to me, and I hope I get to stay a for a long time.” He took Toudai's hand again. “Even if you won't be around forever, it's okay. Thank you for trying to take care of me.”

Toudai studied Goku for a moment, then cracked a wry, self-deprecating smile. “You're so easygoing, so much like Koumyou. I would kiss you if I didn't know better.” He wrapped an arm around Goku and hugged him again.

When he opened his eyes from Toudai's embrace, he noticed Koumyou standing just outside of the door, with Sanzo swaying on his feet a step behind him. He closed his eyes and hugged Toudai a little tighter, until Toudai lifted his head and spotted them too.

“We've been having a heart to heart.” Toudai patted Goku's back. “I've gained a new appreciation and understanding for the young man.”

“Ah. Well.” Koumyou came into the room and wrapped an arm around Toudai. “A new year, a new outlook, isn't that right?” He then patted Goku's knee, squeezing it through the velvet of Toudai's robe. “And if my understanding is correct, hopefully an improved you.”

Goku shot Sanzo a raised eyebrow, and he hung his head. Goku quickly understood that Sanzo had likely felt the need to explain, and shot him a winning beam. He knew he’d have to tell Koumyou next anyway. “Yeah, I hope so. The more my outsides match my insides, the better.” He opened an arm. “Hey, you wanna join in the big group hug?”

“No.” Sanzo folded his arms and propped his shoulders on the wall, but Koumyou got up just long enough to grab him by the collar of his shirt and yank him over to the hug pile. Sanzo flailed for a second, but finally begrudgingly let Koumyou and Goku hug him and Toudai.

“Since we're all awake,” Koumyou said after a moment, “Why don't I start some breakfast?”

“Nah.” Goku cuddled back into Sanzo's chest, breaking the two of them away from Toudai and Koumyou. “I just wanted a midnight snack. I'm still kinda tired.”

“That's fine, dear. Kouryuu, why don't you take him back to sleep?” Koumyou captured Toudai's hand in his. “Since we have a moment, Toudai and I are going to have a conversation now.”

Sanzo escorted Goku back up to his room and handed Goku a shirt from his drawer so Goku could keep his modesty. “That tight thing, don't wear it so much. Can't be good for you.”

“Thanks.” Goku turned and redressed, and when he turned around, Sanzo was already back in bed.

“Of course, the old men'll be the death of you.” He stretched out on the side closest to the wall. “They're probably plotting how to best help you right now.”

“Y'think?”

“I know.” Sanzo rolled over, leaving a very clear space beside him. “Get back in bed. We've got a few more hours before we have to start this new year.”

Goku thought it might be scary to come out to Sanzo's parents, or to Sanzo himself. He should have known that it wouldn't have been as bad as he'd thought, and that it would only make things better.

He jumped into bed next to Sanzo and cuddled up to his back, scenting his cigarettes and soap. He hoped that didn't change. It seemed like maybe lots of things would, and all for the better.

“Happy New Year, Sanzo.”

Sanzo was already snoring, and he unconsciously wound an arm around Goku. He closed his eyes into the wee hours, already knowing it would be a good year.

#You've Got Something #my writing #fanfiction

19 notes · View notes