#IM ALWAYS SOOOOOOOOO BITTER!

[southfarthing]

sHUt UP not aegnor and andreth eoduhvoaivhnaqpnqa ive been waiting for you to read athrabeth for ages. I know this is controversial but theyre my favorite couple and finrod and andreth is my favorite platonic ship it kills me I cant think, finrod was so devoted to her and they were intellectual soulmates even if on the opposite side and aegnor DIED before her, and she thought she would trouble him rips hair out and eats it

and the nature ajkfnof elves and how they differ from men and how they think and how deeply Morgoth has corrupted the land that they believe they are cursed but andreth will be free one day and aegnor will be trapped in mandos alone till the second song comes and I my head hurts

it was SOOOOOOOOO literally I was sat reading in the park with my brain rising from my body like

it was SUCH an interesting discussion??? I definitely need to read it again because there was so much going on but yes the way elves know their past while men seem to have come out of such darkness that they see morgoth as the most powerful force???? and always that sense of loss and bitterness 😩😩😩 and all the discussion of hopelessness and hope and pity and healing and 😩😩😩😩😩😩😩

and then the breaks every once in a while where you see how close finrod and andreth are 😩🥺🥺 when he says in Arda remade the elves would sing to the men and andreth is like 'what would you say once you've done singing' and Finrod laughs 😩🥹😩🥹

AND THEN. GOD.

DO CANDLES PITY MOTHS.... OR MOTHS CANDLES WHEN THE WIND BLOWS THEM OUT?...... I TELL THEE AIKANAR LOVED THEE........... THEN WHY DID HE TURN AWAY WHILE I HAD A GOOD FEW YEARS TO SPEND........FOR ONE YEAR, ONE DAY, OF THE FLAME I WOULD HAVE GIVEN ALL....... THAT HE KNEW ........

she doesn't want to be a burden but she never would have been because he never would have run on before her he would have waited but he didn't want her to feel ashamed . but none of that matters because he's going to die first anyway. im literally abt to start chomping on my mattress. the memory of her he will take with him but what will she take wherever it is that she goes ....... 😩🔫

why are elves abd men made different......so we can touch hands in the darkness ... ..

and at the end... "But you are not for Arda. Whither you go may you find light. Await us there, my brother – and me." HEEEEEEEEE Finrod has SO much love and respect for her i want to scream i am inconsolable I will never recover from this i cant believe you recommended this to me my brain chemistry has been changed forever

[pinolitas]

i love talking to older people bc theyve lived here long enough to FINALLY understand where it is that i live and dont live in a bubble of their yuppie neighborhoods

[y2kmini]

Mental issues aren't a white people thing!

(Trigger warning. I dont know which triggers are in here but i know there are at least two: possibly crengy phrases concerning mental health and suicide. I’ve tagged everything as well as I can to keep it away from people that don’t want or need to see this post).

I already feel like this phrase is going to make some one cringe and I’m so sorry, I dont know what they call mental issues on tumblr im just using the term because thats what they called it when refering to me growing up.

If your kid is having an oddly hard time with something that kids normally do with ease at a usual age for it, and youre concerned, and theyre frustrated, there is NO HARM in having them checked out or tested to see what’s going on!

I couldn’t tell you how frustrating my childhood was because my family was lead to believe that dyslexia, a.d.d, and anxiety were white people things that they didn’t have to worry about.

Even my step dad goes on about how “the teachers just like to pick on kids, theirs nothing wrong with them they’re just different ”

1 having mental issues doesn’t mean something is wrong with your kid okay. It just means they think or react in ways different than others. It doesn’t mean they can’t live an average life like every other person.

2 the teachers aren’t picking on your kid. They see your kid is having a hard time and they’ve tryed and failed to help sooooo they’re just suggesting that you seek a professional to see what’s going on. Once you know what’s going on (if anything is going on) that knowledge will help you help your kid learn and understand things better.

3 having mental ISSUSE doesn’t mean your kid is inherently dangerous or without morals or possessed by some demon. They just function differently, they’re still human, they’re still kids, and they still need your love so please don’t make things weird for them.

4 “dissapline” won’t train the mental issue out of your child! It’s not a thing that can be done. If you’ve heard stories that it can then you needed to speak less to Google and more to an actual Doctor.

My mom died thinking I was magically cured of my attention deficit disorder and dyslexia, my dad died thinking I’d grown out of it, good old grandma thought non of that stuff existed in black children, and none of them believed I had anxiety because pffft! Kids don’t have anxiety! They play all day and don’t have jobs or bills!

I love my Dad and my grandmother dearly, I’m not trying to bash them or claim that they were awefull because they did do right by me the best they knew how. I’m just saying their views on the subject matter were ignorant.

I never grew out of those things. As I grew I developed my own way of doing things to help me get by, people called it being quirky and thought it was cute (or sometimes vaugly creepy) but it was just my formula for getting the same results as other kids.

Moving into adulthood I started looking up my issuse online AND talking to doctors (even my drill sergeant helped me through some things) the result was me understanding my own weaknesses and making them my strengths.

My a.d.d made it hard for me to focus and re member things so to this day I right everything down, then I rewrite my notes at least 3x’s. Do I remember things better … a little, but the importaint thing is I’m pretty decent and interested in puzzles so when I try to recall something I can write out bits and pieces of my notes and put them together untill I have the whole thing in front of me again. Remembering things that don’t interest me is still really difficult and tear jerking for me even when im dedicated to giving it my full attintion so making it a puzzle, making it a song, making it a picture, “making it fun” is the only way I get by. It’s my tool for conquering the issue and I’m proud to have figured it out for myself.

The dyslexia though. After reading about it I just got into the habit of telling my self things when I started to get upset like:

“Read it over again, it’s okay. We know that of out of aaaallll the characters in Harry Potter that Ron is less likely to speak with numbers in his words unless he’s been cursed”

“No matter how early in the morning, no matter what the year: YOUR clock will always read you the time with NUMBERS not 2s, backwards Es, upside down hs, and S, G, up side down Lake, B …” you get the point.

I still had to tell myself that to get by in college because the number problems would look sooooooooo much like a fucking message to me that one day after class I took a marker and wrote what I saw right beside it and my teacher laughed because he understood and then stopped laughing … because he understood.

The anxiety… I’ve learned on social media and in therapy that there are ALOT of ways to live with it and that it doesn’t typically go away. I tryed to kill my self over it (thank you to the good Samaritan that swam out to get me and didn’t call the police on me). After that experience I became really depressed because the attempt was terrofying and I had lost the nerve to do it again. So as I lived on bitter and irritated that I was only alive because I was afraid of the pain and distress of suicide I found a new friend, then I found a hand full of them, and they made me feel loved and normal, and accepted.

I want to say I was cured but I wasn’t. I had less anxiety but it was still there telling me that:

My friends only hung out with me because they felt bad

You’re so self absorbed and people hate you for it

Why would anyone want to date you? Your ugly and gross and can’t even human properly.

Your hair is disgusting no matter what you do to it it looks ugly on you

Every one knows you hate yourself, they’re just waiting for you to be polite and GOAWAY, no one wants you here!

I still hear anxiety telling me these things and it still hurts, but the difference is:

when I was a kid my anxieties were like a knowledgeable adult looking down at me and stating facts

But after lots of self coaching in the mirror, lucid dreaming, and crappy self insert fanfiction… as an adult I now see my anxieties as a toddler that knows little to nothing about me or the world around them shouting their very first insults and obscenities at me (believe it or not I even laugh about it on occasion because I’m fucking sick). It hurts, but the pain has gone from a ten to a four in roughly 30 years (that’s like giving birth verses stepping on a Lego to me).

Could I have developed these coping habits earlier if my family had acknowledged I needed help? It’s likely, but since they thought it was a white kid problem I didn’t get any real help untill college when I took it upon my self to call the therapy number they gave every one and occasionally the suicide hotline.

In conclusion to this messy rant If your kid is having trouble with things and they don’t seem to be developing at the same rate as the class it’s okay to have them evaluated. Nothing is wrong with them they may just need some tools to keep up in life. Not having the tools they might need could someday me harmful to their mental, emotional, and or physical help so PLEASE don’t gamble with your kids life over pride or disbelief.

[ts-2020-olympics]

Episode 13 - “Put On My Villain Attire” - Sammy

This week was a lot, I made a mistake socially that hurt someone, and i couldnt be more disgusted or hurt with myself tonight. I feel awful for what i said about nicole, after tribal i cryed like a kid on call with sammy and Caeleb. Reaching out to nicole was hard because i dont want her to think im coming to say sorry as a game move. I respect nicole as a person, as a player, and I made a mistake, and it was time for me to own up to making a personal comment in context that should not have been personal. Now getting that out of the way, this week was crazy, the vote was Tommy, then Jacob, Then nicole, cut to tribal Nicole is excused from tribal, which im thankful for because i actually got to reach out to nicole after to say sorry for my comment.  Getting a response was the last thing I expected from her. And it made me happy to get one, especially such an understanding one that came from her realizing that was not my intentions. Game wise going forward, im aware theres cracks in this alliance and im not 100% safe. But im gonna ride it till i cant no more. I don't want to think game tonight but obviously i need to keep thinking about the game. Immunity wise, i dont think its necessity that I need to win, Even after I had a blow up and such i still feel like those in the game understand how hard it was for me tonight and my truth of how i didnt mean to hurt nicole. I still feel the most close to Sammy and Caeleb, they where there for me tonight after tribal while a cried, so was Kevin and Emma, idealy these people are the people I want there with me at the end of the game. In other news, Darcy has exposed himself as someone who has voted out sammy, meaning the list of people who need to go before I need to start backstabbing gets longer Stoner, Tommy, Nicole and Darcy are IDEALLY the next 4 boots, but u never know what will happen in this game! I could be working with Nicole next round for all I know. ANYWAYS TLDR: Im sorry, me and nicole are fine, im in a good place in this game. Thank u for coming to this LONG ASS confessional. 

im dying, so its been fun toodaloo 

Actually feeling very frustrated atm. I wanted this immunity so bad. The way Nicole plays this game is very frustrating and I’d love to see the way she actually plays the real game. Is she just gonna sit under the hut and ignore everyone that approaches her. She just lies about everyone and the minute someone does something against her she cries in her host chat. I’m usually not a mean person but she deserves to be the villain of this season. I literally have always looked up to Nicole as a player bc I have seen how genuine and kind she can be. But this game has really tossed out how i viewed her as a player. As a person sure she’s great but there’s a way to play this game by having good character. I would hate to see me leave before Nicole but if it happens and she makes it to the finals that’s okay but she won’t have my vote poor management. Anyways don’t wanna make my whole confessional about Nicole since she’s made the whole game revolve around her actions already. I’d like to personally shoutout Jordan caeleb and Eve in this confessional. Truly are the rays of sunshine in this game. I have my doubts about Kevin, Emma, and Darcy because I think that they have connections to Nicole. Someone is playing everyone and it’s so frustrating. I was so close to winning this immunity. I need to survive. Also I am very annoyed that caeleb has not had to stress a single round since merge. Yeah he’s my closest ally but like it’s annoying i want someone else like me to be immune and i know it’s selfish but it’s just annoying. I need to figure this out. I might have to put on my villain attire for this round. 

IMMUNITY? IMMUNITY? I HAVE THAT? Oh my god I think this may be like the first immunity I've actually one in the history of my Tumblr Survivor career (although checking the records there was one time I was just like individually immune for no reason during Seychelles premerge and I do not remember why) I needed this SO BAD, and even better is everyone is PISSED at me for winning, nobody can figure out where I figured out all the colors and it's SOOOOOOOOO FUNNY god bless, long live the underdog bayyyyyyybeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! 

Okay, so here goes.   To start off my confessional for this round, that past tribal really was a mess.  Nicole played a tribal skip, so she survived, which was a good play on her part, but it led to some messy scrambles, and ended up losing probably my closest friend in this game (Love you Jacob <3,)  I ended up voting in minority with Jacob to keep my word, even though I knew majority was on Jacob.   In this game though, you got to take risks, and if the risk of keeping my word to my good friend outside this game ends up being my downfall, then so be it.   However, one isn't going to win by playing it safe every round and voting with majority all the time, you got to vote in minority at times too and try to at least make some bold moves, to get out the threats, otherwise, you might as well just give them the money, as those players would all make finals, and one of them would win.  Then where would the sheep be?   They would be at the jury, alongside those who they voted out.   Now, terms of this round, Nicole and I are trying to come together to split up the power trio of Eve, Caeleb and Sammy.   Plan is to try getting out Eve, as Eve has everyone basically wrapped around their finger, which I do not like, and I think Eve has the best chance of winning this game if they make it to the end, so yea Eve has to go.   I've also been hearing though, and sounds of things, Emma is wanting me out, and her reason I think is pretty well just because I haven't been voting with her.  It's like, I have only been to 3 tribals so far with Emma (4 if you count this one,)  and I voted with her the one tribal against Karen, then other tribal was just because I wanted to be loyal to my friend, and keep my word.   The first time though, was because I found the other person more threatening to my game.   Anyways, I am fighting my all right now to stay, and not going to back down, but if I end up going, so be it, I know I played a great game, and am glad with everything about it.   Pitching to people though that I'm not threatening at all, I literally have 0 moves on my resume at the moment, and how I just want to try beating 7th, because as of currently, 7th is my best placement.   Here goes nothing, and hopefully cards fall right, and Eve gets slain.

I’m kind of feeling hopeless after this round. Nobody actually wants to make the moves that need to be made, nobody wants to do anything actually smart. People are just being so short-sighted and playing for jury. Eve has an ego and will use it to make you believe that it’s her way or the highway. I feel like any cast with more than three braincells amongst them could really do something but, they won’t. Caeleb will win immunity yet again next round. I’ll go, then one by one they’ll go. I really just like, have no energy to guide these dummies to anywhere anymore. I’m tired. Even with immunity people are just ridiculously fake and annoying. 

I think Emma is the plan for tonight. She's playing a double agent type of game which is super dangerous and people are starting to see through it plus me and her don't have the best past so I'm fine with Emma going. It gets me to the Final 10 and gets me one step closer to the Final Tribal Council. I also think once Emma goes I'll be nobodies #1 target and that'll put me in a good position for next vote as long as Nicole doesn't win immunity again. Although who knows things switch around in this game so fast and it could be me going home because if Emma gets wind of her name being out there I see her coming for me just because of our past and I do think there is viable reason for people to flip their votes onto Me, if Emma campaigns for me to go. I'm hoping my name doesn't get dragged into the conversation and it just stays between Emma, Eve, and Darcy so I have no chance of going home tonight. I'm just gonna lay low after this bit of strategy talk but be around if the wind starts to shift onto me.

Fuck I’m not home and don’t want a stike this will be a quick confessional, Sammy I’m so fucking sorry about this but you have such a good social game and I need you gone to free up the field. Formed an alliance with Darcy today that was random but now I actually trust him which is wierd. Still fucking people over with Nicole it’s crazy how that’s working. Next round is final 10 o need to make it past it or I might cry, once I pass that hurdle I’ve never heard passed I’m good. 9th- 1st no bitter Jordan pines, don’t get me wrong though, 1st is still most preferred and it’s seeming achievable

Bye bye Sammy 

Ahh I have to turn my phone off and can't find confessional but my confessional is that I hate myself for voting Sammy 

I ate dinner, We're doing Sammy. Maybe these people have four brain cells instead of three. I however, still just have the one bumping around in my ear canal saying I might have a chance to win the game which is in fact, the stupidest thought I've had this whole round.

well well well....this round is a BIG OLE MESS, so i went into it last night thinking the vote was gonna be emma because she was leaking to nicole, but then i woke up and i guess the vote is on darcy, but Nicole tried to pull a vote on eve but because emma was involved and very loose lipped I would not have felt comfortable hiding that for almost 5 hours, so i told eve LOL.... but that built my trust up with eve and I thought it would make eve doubt emma even more but instead it seems to have made her want to keep her? which maybe means emma leaked the vote already?? which would be a good thing for me because then i didnt try to hide info that eve already knew, but so then that landed the vote primarily on darcy but honestly if darcy goes home this game is likely in the bag for eve, so I had to come up with something quick ! I have no idea if this is gonna go through but i put all my energy into selling this sarah vote like it was the end all be all move for us to make, when i dont think it is but if sarah can go home then the 5some that im viewing as Sammy/Caeleb/Eve/Jordan/Sarah would be down to 4 meaning theres wiggle room at the final 10 to potentially make a power move on a big player, without them being able to stay 5 solid and threaten rocks. They all seemed kinda hesitant but came around so im nervous, eve also asked for a back up plan which I said could be stoner, but the fact that she asked makes me nervous that shes gonna try to pull a fast one and be like "I think sarah has an idol we need to flip it !!!!!" which would be annoying but i wouldn't put it past eve. This also keeps all my potential numbers in those being nicole and then tommy/darcy emma and stoner, again IF this goes through, i could've lost darcy but then i just a 5v5 or if emma gets bold then a 6v4 and im powerless again. I think this was where i need to make a move and i hope it goes through but if it doesn't at least i tried !!!

I think tonight the night ladies, TONIGHT THE NIGHT I AM RELEASED, i mean if not sarah goes home and its whatever. I love love sarah and feel bad for blindsiding her like this. But I have confidence in Kevins decision here, hes trusted me, I have to trust him now.