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Fr i get what you're saying . As a black woman myself Im so happy to find stories where the reader isn't an oc or have their appearances being mentioned. I also get excited to find stories where the reader is black as i can feel more in the story now and relate to some stuff.
But now the problem is that i don't know what to expect in the book. Since there can be a likely chance of the y/n in that story being a very stereotypical black woman as portrayed by most movies, cartoons, and media.
Now im not saying that all books that have a black protagonist are bad, im saying that there portrayal is. But some typical black female ocs or self inserts have this typical shallow personality.
They are often 'baddies' as per say meaning they have very long nails, face of makeup, long lashes, 40 inch weave and wear very tight and revealing clothes cause they 'dont care what people say ands its their body they do what they want or baddies do what they want.
Im a modest person and dont like showing off my body, but there's still a limit. Like just because its modest doesn't mean it cant be fashionable. But what isn't fashionable is being practically naked exposed to the public and hiding behind the title of being a thot or baddie.
Like if shes wearing short shorts with her bootyhole probably out, or maybe shes wearing swim wear where it's practically made up of one singular string wedged up her butt, her breasts barely covered and vagina airing out in the open 💀 you better know you lost a reader.
They also have this typical accent portrayed in written form as words which have been simplified to be much smaller, and it gets hard for me to even understand what they're saying 💀. like here, "ho dis gurl ben playin' wih me.". 💀💀 wth
Now with all the males being in love with her cause shes a 'black girl boss thot queen yassss'. Like she's not like the other girls with her dark skin, big booty and bad girl personality. Her disrespecting people for no vaid reason and causing fights are huge turn on's for every male in that story.
And a general problem is her actions being glorified by the author and some readers, right after she slept with every man in that story or slept with her enemies lover and showed it off . Sh probably already had a nice boyfriend that loves her but she slept around cause she was feelin horny and her 'needs' must be met and its her body so she does what she wants as she is a baddie and has a ' I dont give a frick' mindset.
A bunch of overused stereotypes i could think of:
The stereotype that every black person smokes weed, has 100 pounds of crack under their bed, sells heroin, is part of a gang, Always up for sexual intercouse (hookups, one night stands)with random people (cause they thots and stuff. This includes both black men and women.), Always loud and noisy, Knows how to rap and freestyle, Has a crazy accent, Always in toxic relationships and cheating on their partner, has side chick/side man/side family, always involved in shoot outs, single parenting 5 kids with the fathers still out searching for milk, Always has a gun or weapon on them, Toxic family, Always swearing and fighting, knows how to throw hands, has dreads, lives in the ghetto, parents killed when little due to shoot out, gets killed before moving out of the hood for their dream collegue where they earned a scholarship due to being good in basketball, black females always being a baddie with a juicy booty and 40 inch weave , black males always being dreadheads, wearing 5 pounds silver chains around their necks with gold plated teeth, Underwear being showed off in public with the girls thongs out and up their booty, while boys with their pants slipped down and boxers showing.
Finally, I wont say this is an issue among all books with Black cast in it or that its wrong to use some of these stereotypes. The importance is to execute it well so that it will feel natural and not forced inclusivity.
I honestly in all prefer books where only her gender and brief description of her appearance are mentioned because of these problems As good books have self inserts with different personalities that aren't exactly too overpowering but at the same time likeable. And they are actually y/n and not an oc being named after me💀
This rant was longer than expected -oop.
Stop I read this an thought your descriptions were so funny wth 😭
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OH MY FUCKING GOD
THE PURE LOVE IN AMITY’S EYES HERE
THE WAY THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER
LUZ HESITATES BUT ONCE SHE REALIZES WHAT HAPPENED SHE IMMEDIATELY RETURNS THE KISS
AND THE LITTLE HAND TOUCH I’M CRYING THEY ARE SO CUTE
#toh spoliers#the owl house spoilers#the owl house season two spoilers#TO ALL MY FELLOW SAPPHICS OUT THERE WE FUCKING WIN THESE#IM SO HAPPY I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO WIH MYSELF#THEY ARE THE ONLY COUPLE EVER#LETS GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
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Af, Ali, and Being Alone: do you remember frequently briggeredt tungloid & honestly I'm trapped somewhere in the 6th dimension m How ong befone he becomes "butchl and then outright identifies They're iterally evolving into more gender conforming individuals by hey, fuck you? SHE is a futch LESBIAN. That means SHE is in the middle of them femme and butch LESBIAN scale. Being futch or even butch doest make HER any less FEMALE than you. You are the reason why people think most cis people ane transphobic. You make me hate being cis. Fuck you for driling in more that cis people ane shitty people like you The tes is that troons call themselves Tbuich" when they don't psss The less a man passes, the more lkely he is to identity as butch Here are some wonderful examples of "mtf butches Some pictures of trans women Do me a favor and never interact with me or again you fucking walnut Also looks don't matber 277? That's sl a woman you dingus All I see are images of some beautiful women Being buich doesn' make them any less women. It wouldn't for a cis woman and it definitely won't for a trans women. They are stil passing as women. Also, please refrain from using diagusting slurs. All it does is make you look more lke the homic asshole you are. "All I see are images of some This is called a lile, thanks for letting us know you're full of shit Imao. bunch, futch, and %mme are lesbian crty terms amabs can't be lesbians heteroseual amabs can't be lesbins people who identry as male igender can't be lesbians Fixed it esblans are attracted to the same sex. someone else's identity doesnt change the sexusl orientation we were bom with being gay l never said it was, neither is being trans, also, sexuality is about gender, not sex. If you dont want to have sexwiha trans perscn because of their sex, that is fine, just dont belittle and disrespect sexuality is about sex. iR's not genderality. Imao lesbians get sent to conversion therapy be we arent attracted to amabs and eomectively raped be we aren't atracted to penises. how big of a homophobe are you to tel a homosexual we can sop being gay if someone use your gender preferences as a bigil are vaid. but gay pol are bom atracted exclusively to the same sex don't belittle and disrespect homosexual afabs be our homoseocuality prevets us from being to amab women you are a lesbian you are attracted to WOMEN. not vagnas. Tran women don't even ike their penis, and dont want people to sexually touch them down there because it causes dysphoris They most ikely want bottom sgery anyways And even i they don't who cares? AlI trans women are WOMEN. And women attracted to Pee your pants i wasn't bom attracted to the word woman, i was bon attracted to the same sex that's why im a esbians. lesbians aren't attracted to the opposite sex, which ncludes al eis, nb, and trans amabs. mao google the cotton ceiling. trans women created a new version af the friendzone be thay were so mad lesbians don't want to fuck them and touch ther penses. you're so nBel trans women who ar straigiht love their dicks! almost none of them get rid of their dicksl even if they did i wouldnt touch their hairy scrotal hole, that's nasty lesbians desre th ถ sar sex. your logic means wo should let any amab go down on us bo a penis isn't rwolved but we're attracted to other №males. have active desies, you can't trap us in a relationship wih the wrong sex and tell us it's ok bo maybe this is the one dude who wouldn'1 comrectively rape us. et lesbians be lesbians away from the amabs who febishize un HOW THE FUCK M FUCKIGN OYING Do you know what your typing??? Are you putting random words together to see if it forms a sentence? God Jesus CHRIST al of you BTV·tr8าย women are real women, d φ Get alife. all gender is fake and no eabian is attracted to biological males. eave lesbians alone you fucking conwersion therapist sympathizer you're dumb at if you think heterosexual amabs don't want correctively rape lesbans with their 100% m ale intact penses. I mean, every one rapes every one it you think about it. Wemon rape men, and men rape wemon Wemon rape wemon, and men rape men. So ika, that argument is invalid. And IDO leave leabians aone. Especially because I'm a trans male and im straight. So Ike, you got nothing on me budidy. Leave tran women alone and lat them have oving lesbian relationships. Gothrow a tantrum in the comer by yourself because you don't ike seeing people be happy. when a straight male rapes a lesbian bo we're not attracted to biological males or perises, that's corrective rape. that's what makes comective rape ditterent from other types of rape. sell hating same sex attracted afas aren't straight, you'l fgure lesb¡ณเด ean't have heterose.ual nalationshipa, bara warmen aan't be lesbians bc trans women attracted to women aren't homosexual, and they're not biologically lemale. lesbians, being homosenual emales, can't be attracted to trans women. stop trying to make esbisns straight be you hate your own same sex attraction and esblans specifically be we invaildabe you by existing as same sex racted mascdine women f you left lesbians alone you wouldn't steal our word from us for straight amalbs or thresten homosexual females for not being atbracted to the opposite sex. you wouldn't try so hard to make us accept that we can have heterosexual attraction, our sexuaity is not we'll die homosexual and we'll never be attracted to trans women who are the wrong sex s this tucking English anymore ource mgoing to cry aholy s #11ingre myself out apprenty son my god role terf soim an 31st 2018
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archived from that secret q account.
ghosty boiyou are my world, and no matter how shitty the world gets i can't imagine one without youJuly 14, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boiyou are a part of me, and i know whatever happens, you always will beJuly 14, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boii love you, but the more we're apart and the less i see you, the more i remember all the painJuly 14, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boiwhatever you say, what your family does, it affects me, and when im with you it will always be like that. i dont know if i can cope, and im breaking inside because i love you, but i know you've hurt me so much and i dont know what to feelJuly 14, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boisome part of me wonders if its too late. you broke me. you hurt me so bad, and ive forgiven you so many times for things youve done that you dont even know you haveJuly 14, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boii cant help but feel you dont love me anymoreJuly 14, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boii cant help but feel you dont careJuly 14, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boingl it kinda hurts me that you care so much about him? i know not in a loving way, but like you caring so much about him makes me feel like you care less about me, idk maybe im just jealous and selfishJuly 14, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boii dont want to read anything on this acc bc it will just bring up old pain. nd tbh if anyone found this there would be a lot of painJune 26, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boilmao so i just found out the reason i'm suspended is bc my boyfriend ratted my mum out to his parents and my best friend ratted me out to him mum and the teachers and then my mum went ape shit and then they all pretended they didnt?May 5, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boireally fucking hurtApril 15, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boiand u have the nerve??? u cant remember me or anythin and uve been in such a bad place what since december?? thats 5 fuckin months man that ive been workin my ass off to support u nd help u get through so u dont fuckin die and this is what i get back? honestly im not mad im just really really hurtApril 15, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boiiodk now that u throwing this shit abck at me its like u blamin me? like boy u were so much worse than me already u were one of the ppl who dragged me into a darker place but i stuck w u bc i loved nd cared nd now ur saying it my fault that u cut and that ur more depressed? bitch i try fuckin hard for u man and this is what i get back? u say i dont care that u alwasy comfort me when i work my ass off to get through to u and help u, when u just then reject me anyways - and proceed to say i dont try and that you want the help?? if you want the help then fuckin accept it ive tried so hard for u man?? vbut u dont see it do uApril 15, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boiyou dont actiually want to be with me do you?March 3, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boiyou make me happy but im sad atm bc i dont wahnt you to dieeeeee nad i just want to be happy and you to be happyMarch 3, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boiyou make me so happy but i know i dont do that for you. my own insecurities mean that whenever any1 jokes abt anything i take it as real,, im insecure abt everytihng so every joke from everyone hurts me,. i care too much abt what ypu thinkMarch 3, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boii dont know do you want me??March 3, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boilitearlly no one caresFebruary 23, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boino one wants me haha!February 23, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boiha im so unwantedFebruary 23, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boiim not funn yim not smart im not useful im not talented im notmusical iumd fucjkign rpirdjbialedgesd im not a figood friend im nbot wirty i cant do anyithng im depresy wtihotutht e humoisr im eneddy im annoying i dongt get it im a fuckifng burden wso why are yioui still here whenvrber you see these things inothe rpsoelpe you hate htem gfor it wahyt fucking makles m efidferntFebruary 21, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boioyu literally dislike ebverything abtou me tyour jsut blind i dont get tiFebruary 21, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boiim evenrwyihtg you hate abtout this worldFebruary 21, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boihs ill never be fuckign fgoos enoughFebruary 21, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boiha lmao u didnt see me crying uwuFebruary 8, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boiu ran awya from meFebruary 8, 2019 ·Comment 3 · Like ghosty boihehe im terrified of losing you for a different reason now but ig it doesnt matter bc u dont wannt me anywasyuFebruary 8, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boii love you so much i just wnat to help i dont i can tlose youFebruary 2, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boihow can oyu say you dont feel and say you love me? i know you feel, you just try not toFebruary 2, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boii dont want you to hurt me but yousoFebruary 2, 2019 ·Comment 1 · Like ghosty boiyou lie to me. you dont call it lying but it isFebruary 2, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boiwonder what it's like to be okayFebruary 2, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boii can't carry this anymoreFebruary 2, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boiyin and yang, happiness always comes with sadness. if you have one you have to have the other. whats the point in feeling and living at all because even if you achieve happiness you will always have sadness. it is always htereFebruary 2, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boione day of warmth isnt worth a year of coldFebruary 2, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boihappinesss is fleetingFebruary 2, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boiwhy am i always the one who hads to repaireFebruary 1, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boii wihs oi culd he good enoguhFebruary 1, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boiic ared about you but all you do is hurt meFebruary 1, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boiyou just use me i dont understand i thought we were friendsFebruary 1, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boievent eh ppl eho care about me thinj uim worhtless, useless, dumb, stupid, weird, fucking djsfhalkdjfhreesstardsedJanuary 29, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boiwhy do you keep reminding me of my insecuriteS? i think everyone does. i shoulf tlak to you about it, but i d onnt want to make you walk on eggshelslsJanuary 29, 2019 ·Comment 1 · Like ghosty boiwer both yknow you cousdl do so m uch better htan meJanuary 29, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boii see it in your eeys, i sese the dissapointment, the 'what the fuck', youer crazy, ur weird, ur rude, ur pathetic, why can yt you be normlak, youe fake, you re not ogod enogumJanuary 29, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boiur gonna brkea up with me one dya becaues liets be real inm not oging to do it but you wilwl get sick of me you jsut put up with me atm ur blifnefd by emptions - despite that you can still see im fuvkignJanuary 29, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boiim just not finny or smart or nice or anyinthig gim jstu not good enoguh nd ikjwo i never will neJanuary 29, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boiill never be good enough icoulndt even last a dayJanuary 29, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boilmfao i m actually fucking discusintgnJanuary 29, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boii knwo im just annoying, no one realyt wants me aorundJanuary 29, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boiim getting sicjk of peoplke using meJanuary 29, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boii will never be good enough, i will never be good aerat anythingJanuary 28, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boiim fugcking sfisdudcisigng im such asuhit firend i dont know anyithng i dony care abt eanyone arenough i dont remmebe ran ythonig im never good enouhgJanuary 28, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boidespite how i present muself i dont feelsihlike a girl i jhate hit it hahtkljeshrkljsdfxklsjg bJanuary 28, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boiyou will never be able to see past being sad that im not talking, see that there may be a real reasoon, because you will be too self absorbed to even realise that im not okayJanuary 27, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boithing is though if i dont help you you you will get all sad and upset (despite ignoring me) and wont even give me the chance to give a reason why, beacuse the reason is im struggling atm as well and need support myself but youre too stubborn to get your head out of your ass and realise that i need help toJanuary 27, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boiyou always ignore me its pissing me off you just use me for when you need me and thats itJanuary 27, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boii dont think ill ever be good enoughJanuary 24, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boimonths. it took monthsJanuary 24, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boior is that just an excuse?January 24, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boiits so goddamn sad how you always pull away, but now isnt the time to mention itJanuary 24, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boii feel like you dont actally want me around idk it just hruts when you distance urself rom meJanuary 24, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boino one really truyts meJanuary 24, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boino one caresJanuary 24, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boisighsJanuary 24, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boiyou try and hel[p fuckignf ocus on yourself i want you to live ghoddamnihntJanuary 21, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boiwhats tyhe point in all this imf im judt going to lose you anyayJanuary 21, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boii want to be better, and seperately i just want them to be happy nd idc howJanuary 16, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boii never actually help lmao they were there for me yesterday when i was falling appart but i cant even help when they are sad or downJanuary 16, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boisighs now im wondering if im not good enoughJanuary 16, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boii wish i could be enough, but i know i never will be. i know its not personal and i am not upset as such by it, i can accept it. i just am upset for them because i want to someone, something to be enoughJanuary 16, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boii dont even know whats real anymore i cant tell what happened, what i thought happened, what was a dream, what i was hallucinating, what was flashbacks, what i wish had happened i cant even trust myself so how can i trust anyone elseJanuary 16, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boiim so done. im so tired with trying im so tired with everythingJanuary 16, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boiim so sadJanuary 16, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boii got down bc of ehta they did but that didnt change anythgin they got fuvkin down otooJanuary 3, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boii never helpJanuary 3, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boiim nfuckin uselessJanuary 3, 2019 ·Comment · Like
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watching that bender montage of bojack s1 while drunk makes SO MUCH MORE SENSE becuase its like SAME!!!!!!!1
i love todd :(
“maybe i need to stop expecting you t be a good person and then i wont be disappointed” thats really sad but also me af since i basically expect nth from anyone but todd deserves more
you abandoned me and i will never forgive you for that
thsi is all i am and all ill ever be
this is the road i chose
i cant
also when bojack sees diane in snoopy vision is waht i see you like because you’re happy adn you’ve got it figured out and i can imagine you telling me its neevr to late to be ther person i want to be - its proabbly not healthy
but also maybe i just see you as my charlotte - eben less healthy
harper isa stupif name for a kid bojack you can do tbetter
“daddy?” “harper” “dadyy” “har[er” thats basicaaly how the conversations i had with my baby cousin started and i miss her
“how things could have been if you had chosen this life” : ( but you didnt adn youre gone - i wih u dnt
how do you have five theories for 9.11 like i have barely one and hakf
do you think its too late for me
its not too late for me is it
i need you to tell me its not late
i need you tell me that im good
please diane, tell me that im good
fucking john kraskinski is secretariat
i cant ignore the coincidence
“dear secretariat, when i gro w up and i want to be just like you. my question for you is i am a good kid and i like to paly and go to school but sometike s i get sad but how do i not get sad how fo you not get sAf” “YOU Keep running becuas all that exists for you is ahead” and then he kills himself
just like that
he couldnt outrun himefl
what if i become hat oerson
“if you cnat be happy tonight you can never be happy” fuck that man
constantly distracted so you dont have to be alone by yourslef - i feel attacked lmao fuck that
im not gonna lie i fot that jacket bcus i know im diane (i got tired of squinting, im sorrry)
the ket ro happiness is to keep yourself busy with unimortante nonsense until you eventually die - same :(
hello oscar
there’s always later
he;a out with his golden globe so he can remind himself he’s worrth something bcus he wonw it and i get hat i look at pictues of my happy times dso i can remind myself there is somehting tha pmatters
talkedto zhems!!!! finally got to it. i miss hi m and shuo and tiong :( but im happy that i have friends that are fnice. ill make sure i try.
either you know what you want and you dont get what you want or you get what you wnat adn then you dont knw what you want- rhats life isnt it - ita arupid trying becauser you try and everything falss apaert so there’s no poitn trying
there;s alwys later
i really wanted you to like me diane” “inkow” it makes me asd that she only syad i knwo. it reminds me of that stupid call and i feel stupid for aremembering that call i shouldnt eeven think about it but i remember i t hapened and it maeks me sad
ir hurts tso much rhat she dudnt say more. just i kniw, thast fucking nurts.
he still has his award as he looks acrsos . herb dint forgive him. that usxks but he deserved it. can you feel bad for poeople who drsrved it?
im a kgood kid and i plike to play and l like to good to shcol but sometine i get sad what do you do whan you ge sad
dont sit so close to the tv it’ll make you cruel. i as baeuatiful bevpre i got pregmant; you ruined me boacjl.
what if i stay liker this forever and nothing gets bretter and i can go ask for help but i only get taht help once a weel pr opnce in twp weeks and thats like 5 times. nth would ceom out of 5 times. but i gues its something. i should try. there’s no harm. unelss its qorse than i pretend it si. what happens tehn
i miss. everythinkg . i wish i had the courage to be laone. but i thikn i actulaly d ont. i want tob e eith u but i dont thin k i do. you’re all smrt nad nice and understanding suddenlt but i know i cant and u sont want this and there’s os much i dont know but i sitll find muself wanting to be w you because you strnegly make me hapy. i havejt mbeen tha happy in a long time. and thad one day with you was the happiest i felt. and maybe tis just projecting ardn msinntepertnig but i felt happy. i want thast again. im tied of being me. i ant to be happy. yuoure; happy. i wnt to be lke you. i ant to be
not me
i don't thibd I wabt u I just want to be happoy
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wheebyul
AAHHAFHSDHFADJFA YESSS thanks molly (and anon, too, who asked for wheebyul as well) YALL READY FOR THIS BC MAN O MAN I’M A BIT RUSTY BUT IM READY
who said “i love you first”ok lets talk 2 diff scenarios: when sober, moonbyul bc she’s such a cheesefest like everything that comes out of her mouth is so CHEESY AND CRINGE but wheein loves it so much god she rly REALLY loves it esp when its to her she fucking bathes in byul’s romantic cheese. and when drunk, wheein - which, ok, is some kind of AU here idek like wheebyul trying to outdrink each other and damn both of them are drunk outta their minds and whoopsie did wheein say that? did byul hear it? and is hwasa recording this? is solar asking for the check now? or asking for more fritters god knows
who would have the other’s picture as their phone backgroundBITCH THIS SHIT IS SO CUTE OFC BOTH OF THEM WILL like byul’s will be of wheein and ggomo and wheein’s will be of byul and daebak bUT OH MY GOD IMAGINE THEY HOLD EACH OTHER’S PETS LIKE BYULS BG IS WHEEIN W/DAEBAK AND WhEEIN’S BG IS BYUL W/GGOMO OH GOD AS I LIVE AND BREATHEEEEEE but u kno they can also have polaroids on the backs of their phones too or photobooth pics and all those stupid ass fluffy coupley bullshitt GOD I AM FINE
who leaves notes written in fog on the bathroom mirroroh for sure byul but u kno wheein would go the extra mile like she’d write sth AND draw sth cute as shit for byul U KNO This TO BE TRUE AGREE WIH ME OR FIGHT ME IN THE PIT
who buys the other cheesy giftsso it SEEMS to me that byul always buys panties (lingerie) for her girls so im gonna say wheein buys cheesy gifts actually scratch that they’d buy each other cheesy gifts and try to outdo each other like who is cheesier than the other they make it into some goddamn competition dumb babus
who initiated the first kissok at first i thought byul but thats such a fucking fake idea like if u are a tru wheebyul shipper u would say wheein bc HELLO HAVE U NOT SEEN WHEEIN ALWAyS GOING TO BYULS BUBBLE ALL THE TIME AND SHIT SHE KNOWS BYUL’S WEAKNESS WHEEIN IS SUCH A TOP SHE WEARS THE PANTS IN THIS RELATIONSHIP BYUL IS A WHIPPED MOFO ok this was about first kiss and what im SAYING HERE is that wheein would initiate bc she just dgafs and tbh she wants on that moon byulyi ride
who kisses the other awake in the morningbyul is such an up-and-at’em kid so it’s byul bc she’d wake up first, just look at wheein, breathe her in, caress her hair out of her face, maybe take a pic and keep it as leverage (bc wheein sleeps with her mouth open when she’s hella tired) and then byul would start to leave tiny kisses on wheein’s forehead, nose, cheeks, chin and finally on the lips HELLOOOOOOOOOOO I AM GONE WITH tHE WIND WITH THsI FLUFF??????? I DONT WANT TO BE HeRE ANYMORE??????????
who starts tickle fightsbyul is SUCH a sneaky little shit so she’d start this shit but wheein’s an even sneakier little shit ESPECIALLY to byul so yea byul can start but wheein ends it on her terms (i mean byul should kno not to mess with her gf but she does anyways bc what the hell wheein loves it too)
who asks if they can join the other in the showerok i just thought like byul is conservative~ and all that so i think she might ask but honestly?? yall been dating for so long and T B H yall have forsure been fuckin in the shower those new pianoman endings got me thinking otherwise i mean………….BUT ANYWAYS byul would ask. but wheein? she’d jump right in (saves water, wheein says) (byul thinks the opposite but yall aren’t gonna hear her complain)
who surprises the other in the middle of the day at work with lunchbyul bc wheein is so busy making money doing collabs here and there and like even if this was for some au, byul would still be the one doing it bc even if it seems like byul is a perfectionist (though all of them are), i think byul knows best on how to take care of others when they’re too focused on their tasks. esp wheein, such a free bird soul byul is wheein’s nest tbh WOW WHICH IS SYNONYMOUS TO BYUL IS WhEEIN’S HOME?? HOW DID WE GO FROM LUNCH SURPRISE TO EACH OTHER’S HOME???
who was nervous and shy on the first dateok tbh this is hard i think byul bc yea maybe she’ll be smooth af and be the most gentlewoman to ever gentlewoman but deep down but not so deep down she’s still a complete nerd but its ok bc wheein’s prob just as nervous too bc she’s a complete dork who’s so extra all the time WOW DORK AND NERD They COMPLETE EACH OTHER I AM A-OKAY FOLKS ARE U???????
who kills/takes out the spidersbyul forsure. maybe one day (or more often than not) she pranks wheein with fake insects but wheein can read through byul’s pranks now so they team up to prank solar
who loudly proclaims their love when they’re drunkTO CONTINUE FROM THe FIRST QUESTION lets say byul hears wheein say it first….and wheein catches herself like oh shit now what and byul sees and it feels like an out of body experience bc, for one, she can’t recall how many bottles of soju and/or sake they’ve been drinking and two, is hwasa rly recording this shit? so byul downs her shot, slams the glass down and puts her hands on wheein’s cheeks and says “you are so cute you’re too cute for me you’re too good for me” and kisses her and at this point we’re all hwasa and solar being all “the fuck??????” and byul drunkenly yells to hwasa’s phone thats recording all this, “I LOVE YOU TOO JUNG WHEERUN I RLY DO SINCE WE FIRST MET” bc YALL KNOW byul was a gone motherfucker for wheein since the beginning BC THEY ARE MFEO. and damn is wheein blushing from embarrassment or relief or asian glow?? is hwasa praising byul and pouring more shots for them?? and yea this time solar is asking for the check and the girls prove to her yet again why she doesn’t drink
OKAY THat IS ENOUGH FROM ME ARE WE HAPPY WIth THIS BC I AM LKE IM IN HELL I FUCKING THROTTLED MYSELF HEAD FIRST TO HELL JOIN ME
#you're my girl#i've missed doing thissssssssssssssssss thank u so muc/h molly u saved me#srsly tho i broke myself#nabongsgf#asks
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so yeah my art is consistently getting only like two notes??? i use tags and everything???? guess i just suck then. thanks internet.
like, i’m proud of my art. im not gonna stop making art. drawing makes me happy and im not gonna give that up because i only got two measly likes. drawing has always been important to me. i love my art and i love making it.
but god damn, it still hurts when i spend time and patience trying to make stuff and nobody fucking notices.
ive always been somewhat of a nobody on the internet, but isn’t that supposed to, like, change? ive been on this website for two years. you’d think something would, i dunno, happen.
guess not.
i know im not as good as those popular fanartists. i don’t expect myself to be. i love my art the way it is (for the most part. there is always growth i wish i could make). every time i finish a drawing i am extremely proud of myself for having made it. theres a drawing i posted several days ago that i still cant believe i made. it’d just be nice to know that someone on this website agrees.
dont take this as me guilting you into liking or reblogging my stuff. im not going to force you to do anything you dont want to, or to put anything on your blog that you dont want. but i would like some feedback.
my art makes me happy. i post my art because i want to share it with you, to show you what makes me happy.
so getting nothing in response, is like,,, well, it’s a lot like when i first started getting obsessed with portal, and i asked my sister to watch a playthrough of it so i could gush about it to someone, and she said she wouldn’t because she didnt want to. much like in that situation, i’m not going to force anyone to do anything they don’t want to. if you don’t want to interact wih my art, that’s fine. you don’t have to. i won’t hold that against you. but i do feel kind of ignored.
i don’t know. i’m just... kinda sad.
#melancholy rants#ignore me if you want.#im just being a sad sack#but i have the tags ‘melancholy starlight art’ and ‘melancholy starlight writes’ if you would like to look at my stuff#if you havent already#retroactive ramble tag
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god DAMN IT. i fucking hate this. i’m getting so miserable again and i have really no one close enough to confide in. i honestly need someone near me right now to just hold me and let me fucking cry into them. im so tired of this? i try so fucking hard and i end up miserable.
like, first its my life. i feel like a fucking sob story and i just want to be happy and smiley all the time and not be a pain in the ass. i cant stop crying though. i try so hard. my family is awful and dont see to understand what they do to me. my mother is so fucking degrading. calls me fat, yells at me for not doing what she wants me to do, not living the life she wanted me to have for her. i live independently of her, i have done so for three years. I take care of myself fully. i pay all my own bills and shit and dont ask her for a dime. i broke down this year and had to when i lost my job. it’s just been miserable since. she uses it against me, and all this shit. she had to loan me her car when i lost my best friend and ride to work. and now she threatens to take it away every week and take away everything i’ve worked so hard for. i’m finally like able to buy a car soon, and maybe something nice i can enjoy and is special for myself but with my age its proving difficult. and it feels like i’ll never be enough, ever.
i lost so many people this year and its destroying me. i miss them so desperately and they dont even seem to care or notice what they’ve done to my life. i miss them, i dont care what happened. i just want to feel loved and cared about it again. they made me feel like i was doing ok, like i was going to be something. and then they all left, it had to have been my fault. i fucked up, i wasn’t good enough. i wasn’t what they wanted in the end. i miss smiling and laughing with all of them. and then i realized if i could never make those people happy in the end, how was i going to ever be anything or make anyone happy? they did accept me for my problems and all, and then i became too much. i’m alone so much, no one texts me or calls me anymore. no one asks me if i’m ok. i’m no one. if i disappeared the spot would be so small? it would hurt for like a week and then it’d pass. i always have to reach out to people if i want to talk, and i really shouldnt even do that. i’m just annoying and shitty and terrible. no one wants this fucking mass in their life that sucks out joy. because i am nothing but that. i just need someone who wants to be here for me. i want to be here for so many people, and i care about them with all my heart. i love making people smile and be happy but i never have anyone that wants to reach out and do that for me really. i have maybe one or two people that do try, and i appreciate them endlessly, because they’re the reason i stick around at all. even it ifs not very often someone does try. but im going to wear them down. they’re going to stop when they realize im not changing. i cant change, i cant just think my way out of this and stop being like this. its exhausting. i just want someone to be able to say, liv i know you’re sad, let me be here for you. i’ll be there as soon as i can. i dont even want them to talk, i just want them to walk up to me and wrap their arms around me and let me feel like someone is there. that i’m not alone in life. but i’ll never be enough, ever, to deserve that.
and then there’s this person. one person. i cant? i’m doing it again. i’m fucking up again. i’m giving them everything, every part of me. things i dont talk about. things i dont tell people. i’m becoming vulnerable to them and i shouldnt be doing it. i care about them a lot, and i can’t make myself stop. but they dont care about me on the same level. honestly? i do care about them to the point where i see their name and i just get this happy rush. but i’m not the same to them. but i cant stop caring. i just want them to feel the same way, and i can understand they dont, and i can respect it the best i can but sometimes its hard because i give them so much knowing i’ll never get it back. but i just want them to be happy so i’ll give them every thing i have to do that. its just... how i am. and its going to destroy me when they walk out or find someone else to fill the void i’m filling for them right now. i dont want to be temporary, i dont want to fill someone’s void they miss. but its all i’ve got right now. and its all i’m good for; to be temporary and to be something someone needs until they find a permanent solution. but i have to take what i can get. i will continue to build them up for as long as they need me. eventually i’ll be useless but at least now im somewhat useful. i’ll never be enough, though, to be anything more to anyone.
i just... really dont know what to do wih my life. i’ll never be good enough.
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Rant
And wow this is long, and i have no idea how to keep reading it so I apologize in advance,
Just watch the Omar interview with Trevor and wow, does the trolling JUMP on the comments.
Alas, these american idiots be like, tHeiR rEliGioN is vIoLenT, iN tHe bOok theEy sAy tHis, aLL mUslIm haTe us, Isis is iSlam. -_- i mean they are probably troll cuz I just can't believe that someone from the US would actually believe an organisation (terrorist no less) is representative to all religion. Like that's literally saying the blue / the red are representative to all american. Like come on.
I mean as muslimah who spent most of her internet time in foreign english-speaking domain (which is dominated by america), I aint new on islam-hating words. But like it has and always been alittle frustatingly hilarious to me.
Also disclaimer i aint from english-speaking country so im translating the terms of my language, cuz y'know i dont know what english-speaking people would called them, i only know the terms in my language. Also im pretty sure my experience and lessons I get are island or even small city-oriented, but you may be surprised (like i did) but the islamic lessons that are taught have small differences in each country or nation based on cultures or even country's history.
Cuz it's always the same thing. AND the hilarious thing for me is that their arguments most often are similar to the radical or the terrorists. Just swap the people they called the devil worshipper / the enemy. Like the terrorist/radicals would say that the Jewish people (which honestly is very telling how they never say israeli) is a satanic / genocidal / evil etcetra, while these islamic-hating comments would say Islam is a satanic / genocidal / evil etcetra.
Which, huh, maybe those comments/posts are the reason why I never paid much to the radicals.
Like judging from those rhetorics where 'Islam as a religion hates christian and/or jewish people' etc, many non-muslim seem to not know this, but like there's this 6 elements that you HAVE TO truly and wholeheartedly believe (put faith on) in your heart to be muslim. And one them is having faith (as in truly believe) that Torah came from Prophet Moses and Bible came from Prophet Isa. So, whenever I spy these rhetorics, I just can't!! Because we were supposed to also learn from Torah and Bible too. But, I also think it's understandable, cuz it's probably an awkward thing to openly say right? Esp in these tension-filled interaction between religion where aLOT of things has been said to attack. Or maybe it's not an awkward thing, but words that cannot penetrate the walls that was built from conflict and hatred.
Also
I was taught that Qur'an is the last Holy Book to round-up or finish off all lessons from previous books that came from previous prophets. But I did come to realize that the lessons I was taught were only words they parrotted without meaning. Why? Because I was taught that in my single digit year old, now I'm on my twenties and I never learn what's in Bible or Torah. Even tho, the holy books we were supposed to learn, understand, and apply were Torah, Bible, and The Quran.
You maybe wondering if I do believe that why don't I research those holy book myself. Well I did, but the young me got confused at the bible versions that pop out from my initial search that I give up because I aint touching that without any Christian with me., Thats just a disaster in waiting, cuz I wouldn't be able to spot whats true or not since I have no base knowledge on it ya know? But, I did get that children book of Christian's prophet stories. Tho, I can't mention it willy-nilly cuz people would think I'm converting. T.T amd nobody would want to read it for fear, but like if anybody ask me I would say you are not afraid of the christian tales, you are afraid to find out how fragile your faith is.
I get to that point after many of these news that are viral on the islam part of internet where they glorify and amplify the news whenever someone converts to islam or whenever someone 'owned' non-muslim's in debate or whenever someone get non-muslim to convert.... Not gonna lie, at first, I did join on these people in amazement and happiness until I realized these people were only using these stories to back up their choice of religion. Like they scream while acting humble, I am right in choosing Islam, see it is undeniably the truth, those are the proofs!, look non-believers got converted the islam is true!. And my fellow muslim you would thought there was nothing wrong with these words (like I did) until you realize these people don't actually believe in Islam. They only interest to be saved or want the benefits of Islam, but they only filmsy believe the religion so they use as many of those stories to prop it up. They are in denial, deep deep denial how fragile their believe is so they seek these stories to prop up their faith.
How do I get there? Well, one of them is flat earth. Bro, I have interact wih these fools who jump on flat earth because apparently a quote in the Quran said so. At first I was like bro what? I did say that the word used for implying flat earth is ambiguous before I realize I don't have the authority nor accredited knowledge to say that. But I did jokingly say 'what are all the fusses with the earth shape and the Qur'an quote? What, you gonna stop being muslim over that? Lmao, can't relate' before i realized that THATS THE THING. These people have used those stories and believe blindly and narrowly that everything in the Qur'an is true and applicable to everything to prop and use as a foundation for their believe, that when they found any surface disperancies, they lost it.
I can already feel muslim frowning at me saying what's wrong with having these stories affirming their faith. you see, on the panic over the fragility of their believe they went on full stupid and just swallow ANY SENTENCES without any thought whatsoever abt Islam that would strengthen their faith. Girl, some ustad be saying that islam prohibits drinking while standing is proven scientifically right because when drinking while standing will make the water fall hard straight to your bladder and cause the water to not be absorbed and just pee out. And people be subhanallah God and God's wisdom. And when some profesor be like 'sir, please be careful on spreading these info cuz that's not how our body work', she got blasted and labeled as a non-believers, or proof that getting higher education is to be corrupted and losing ur faith.
Which, yo muslim fellow, was I dreaming this thing or did Prophet Muhammad did actually said 'to pursue knowledge, even to China' ( i am paraphrasing this)? I can't believe how I was taught this at young age, as a girl, that it is very important for mothers to pursue education as highly as possible because mother is the first person children are gonna learn from. To be at this age of mine, where some muslims be dissuading muslim from learning higher. Like what?! Actual religious muslim man be telling me I shouldn't get a master degree because no man would want to marry me. The muslim man who was taught like I was that every person on earth has their 'soulmate' that is predetermined before our birth by Allah. Seriously? He didn't even say that my 'soulmate' would not be attracted to me, which is how i know he was taught the same thing as me. He also went quite when I hit him with 'is he questioning Allah's decision and power over my soulmate? That a mere master degree will over overcome my predetermined 'soulmate' that Allah has chosen for me?'
(and yes, idk whats the English word for it so im using soulmate)
And no, he did not stop pursuing me, he just stop using religion as flirting method. He downright stop saying any religious thing around me, and straight on asking me on a date, as an 'uber' driver on my way home, at night, almost midnight, note: i was a restaurant waitress. That muslim getup really be accessories for him.
Wait, my main point is Islam lessons isn't as perfectly similar as alot of people believe. Like I said the islam lessons really be different. Like the foundation is the same, but the details differ.
One simple example is how I found out that English speaking country (idk which one) use he, him as god pronoun, when I was taught that Allah is genderless and is referred as ?substance? (idk the english term, just that Allah is not humanize ya know? Someone help me explain), and the mere thought of implying Allah's gender be a huge blapsemy (notice how i never use one) let alone using the pronoun he,him. But honestly I figured it's because english doesn't have neutral gender he/she/they like my language.
Also, yes I have a joke I thought when I first learn of non-binary people, but it is very blasphemous so i can not say it. Been hoping someone else say it, but alas I have not see it. :(
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I so fake deep rn i just want more pills and i want to cry and kill myself for problems that are probably essentially insignificant
But they feel important to me i guess. Imthey realltfuck wih me. I resllt do feel terrible. I want to die so fucking abd. I just want a fucking hug. I feels i fucking bad. I just keep tjjinking anout hanging ot with her anf eeeling happy again for that day and thtas making me feel a little better and im keeping on just for that. I fele bad for relying on her but i jdont know what to do. I want to die and shes keeping me alive and thats the truth and i just dont know what else to do. Shes all i have shes the only one i can talk to and shemll tlak back. She has other people who talk to her and the same people will never talk to me which sucks but she wlways talks to me. I feel like immguolttripping her somehow even if i dont mean to
I's neevr do anything to make her feel bad. I'd never try to hurt her or do anything bad to her on pirpkse. She means everything to me and knowing that i did hurt her in the past makes me sickZ i feel so fucking terrible. I feel so fucking dumb. Shes the fucking best and i want to make shre shes happy & im telling myself its not going to be with me even if i want it to but at the very least she'll still be jappy and thats what i want. Im telling myself that. But i keep looking at old chats and old pictures and old texts and old posts and remembering how genuine everything felt and how good it felt to love and be loved. And how it felt like we'd last forever and how i believed that. And i remember how i planned our lives out and i see now that wasnt my place but it felt nice to think about. I shouldve been more considerate and listened to her and did things better even if i think i tried, i obviously did a shit job. Thinkjnf about how all of that felt makes me happy. And maybe if i didnt say anything we'd still be together, but she'd still be sad probably and i'd never figure out what i was doing wrong bc i wouldnt know. I guess breaking up lets me be a better person in the futre for different relationships and different people but whats the point if its for anyone else. I feel nothing for anyone but her. No relationship will ever feel as great as that did. And the night we broke up we fucked and we loved eachother and i loved it and i felt so fucking happy but im just so fucking stupid. I wish i was never so stupid and i wish i lived up to every expectation she had for mewhen we first started dating and i wish i was better. I feel like i could be better for her now and all i want is to try again but she is dating someone else and i cantfucking get over that. Shes allowed to be in love and love again im just so hurt. I never thought this would happen but it did and she already loves someone else and i'll never be able to try again. I just want to try again. I want to be better for her and i want to make her as happy as possible. I'd do anything to do that for her. She makes me happy just by being there and being alive and i want to return the favor and make her just as happy. God im so creepy i need to shut the fuck up and goto sleep.
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My liquor satisfaction
This is my personal narrative about my liquor satisfaction. YES, satisfaction. There are times that liquors satisfied me my mood, my feelings etc. I grew up knowing my father and uncle's interest to liquors such as beers, whiskey etc. I told myself before that I will never ever try those, If ever.... I want to make sure that im at my legal age. As I entered highschool, I met different people and was shocked about knowing some of my classmates and schoolmates are already drinking to the fact that they are just grade 7 and grade 8 back then, I was really innocent that time. I was just a simple highschooler who plays hide and seek wih friends. A year passed, everything has changed, uhmmm not super changed but a bit of changes happened, My brothers started to learn to drink liquors and I even saw them drunk. I was really clueless of how does it affects people???? Everyone gets curious right? When i transferred to other school on my 9th Grade, i met some new friends. One time they invited me to a birtyday celebration so i expect that its just going to be dinner-like party, I didnt know that they are going to drink. They asked me to try, even just one shot of glass of brandy. Ofcourse Im not the type of person that you would call "KJ" and aside from that, i was really curious that time and after that, this happens a couple of times up to now. Liquors satisfied my mood, my feelings etc. Whenever i'm sad, I drink. Whenever i'm happy, I drink. If you are thinking that im an alcoholic, No im just a social drinker. Hehehe I dont always drink, I just drink whenever I want. Whenevr my friends want to.... there's a special feeling inside me about liquors. BUT BuT BUT i was glad that my parents trust us, me to things like this. They aren't strict and im happy of how open minded they are. I told myself that they trust me so i should not disappoint them and give them burden. LAST BUT..... im not saying that drinking is good. Yes it is good and it will be more good if you know your limits. Always think of the possibilities and know what you should do first. BE A RESPONSIBLE DRINKER, KAMPAY!
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I just feel sad. Empty mostly. But you'll never know cause you never wanna care. Then so be it. I'll help you with it. I'm just gonna be empty. Its sad how zaza told me why was i alone why u were with another guy. All i could do was smile. I couldn't answer it. You're not mine to begin with. Idk how long i could last but I'll never stop chasing you. Treating you like a princess eventhough i be the one catching the dirt. This time ese you gotta do well and im the one gonna be fucking up. I'm not ready. I ain't got the mood to study. I don't even feel anything. Its hurtful because its empty. Do you know i was starving today. Of course i never wanna tell you. Cause i want you to genuinely care. Only then you will know how much pain i am in. Only then i will be happy cause finally i could act normal. Cause right now I'm hiding every single pain. Every small detail i will hide. To love is to be in pain to love is to be vulnerable. Honestly i wish i am in coma right now. Really everything is killing me. You are with your coldness. But i always will give you the brighter side of it. I won't be clingy cause i know i l be like shiok sendiri while ur there not wanting it. Being close wih shahil. Wah i ousing saw how close u were. Terus pusing balik. Sakit hati. But well i wont say antg cause h been theu worse. So diam and suffer je. You won't forget what i do or forgive me. But dont worry i forgive u for everything. Every pain youre giving me now. I forgive you. Because you deserve peace. I just hope one day ur reading this it wont be too late. Cause i might just stop.. because i lnow i can never make u love me like how u used to. I'll suffer yeah but in the end seeing u having friends being new you is good enough than being hurting and suicidal. I take over your place. You don't know how i cry every now and then. You never will know. I will never tell you cause you been through worse. I deserve this coldness dont worry babe im hurtinf myself too. On purpose. I am because im addicted to the pain in the heart. Every minute i feel somethinf piercing my heart. I wish one day i get coma so i wont feel anything and i could rest. You would never know how much i will love you if u let me. But then again my love isnt good enough. Just wish you to be happt. Sigh. I am slowly losing feelings. I am being more numb then ever.
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March 23, 2017 : Help
Tell me if im overthinking things or just overeacting.. Its just… what is it when you end up questioning everything.. you lose that will to do things.. motivation. When you end up feeling numb even when you know you’re in panic but everything is just ‘oh screw this’ but at the same time you want to do things but its just doesnt end up right. Like earlier walking behind you guys things like “ they’re going to graduate and im going to be delayed” 'i wouldnt be able to cope up’.. And as much as i should make this as motivation on doing well on things.. i end up lying on my bed typing all this as tears blurr out my vision and that numbing feeling becomes painful to my mind.. You know for yourself you shouldnt think that. You shouldnt put yourself in those situations when you know how things end up wjen you start thinking that.. but keeping it all in and trying to act like nothing just puts it to worse situations.. i dont want to say im depressed. You guys might say this is all just drama and sht.. and as much as i dont want to open this up to anyone at all.. i just cant anymore I’m fucking mentally disturbed. Its sounds stupid and i’ll probably end up regretting typing all this but i dont know anymore.. i cant put myself together.. i cant focus. I cant do things the right way and as much as i tried hard to fix this heavy weight in my chest that drags down everything from my mind to that inner being you end up creating that somehow whispers you’re going to fail in life and overthinking things that ends with anxiety… I cant keep it in anymore.. my head feels so fcking heavy.. and i want to quit life.. i dont want to lie on not thinking suicide coz at some point i did but somehow im still rational and i know i shouldnt and so far.. i know i wouldnt.. but i cant find meaning to doing all this things. Im mentally disturbed to a point i cant evevn cope up with dealing with myself.. i dont know what im doing I want to finish architecture. I want to be with you guys as we march down with our sablays and all. I want to make my parents proud. I want to be able to tell myself i survived UP. But all this for what? For show? For people to say 'she’s doing great’'shes going to have a bright future’.. follow the norm in the road to living a life as dictated by society.. but in the end none of that matters? Coz now you feel shitty but everythig will be alright. Dont overthink things. Everyone’s dealig with their demons as you are doing so yourself.. but why.. Im mentally disturbed to a point that i feel like im acting bipolar lately.. you see me all happy amd annoying like my usual self.. but this other shtty side of me who ends up being so quiet and “you on your period”(as you guys would say it) type of mood.. when im not.. then when reality hits me in split seconds or minutes im back to all loud talkative annoying me.. Im mentally disturbed to a point that i knkw im having a fucking hard time and everytime i try to ask help i end up putting myself down and telling myself.. you’re just a disturbance. Why cant you just do it on your on.. thats why i dont ask you guys for help when im already deep down the shit hole i dug myself in to. Im mentally disturbed to a point i’m expecting things even tho i know for myself it wouldnt end up that way coz i somehow also put it in that situation. I end up putting myself in scenarios i know would plunge me down.. Im so mentally disturbed that im writing all this instead of stusying because i waited an hour and 30 mins in csm but my prof didnt show up so i ended up attending the program when i should be studying.. im so mentally disturbed that i couldnt ask you guys if you had plans on going home already because another side of me is saying you’ll ruin the fun and you also want to just enjoy that moment. Another is that you know for yourself that even when you go back early you wouldnt end up doing anything coz thats how mentally disturbed you are that you end up sleeping than dealing wih the complications you created. I know this is too much to read and that this may be all bullshit.. That you might not give a damn about anything im typing but… im saying all this because i dont know anymore.. i cant cope up.. i cant.. everything is too much.. And as i lie here drenched in tears.. trying to muffle the sound of me breaking down.. i cant help but think.. will all of this change when i’m not around?
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On being universally liked:
Another breakthrough today. this is something i have always struggled with. ive always strayed from sharing an opinion with people im not comfortable with/barely know/am trying to impress (& those usually all go hand in hand.) Even with my closest friends and relationships, this still occurs.
I am always trying to please everyone. To impress everyone. I feel this crippling pressure to be someone who makes a LASTING positive impact on someone else’s day. I feel this crippling pressure to be someone whom EVERYBODY LOVES. Not just likes, but loves wih every fiber of their being.
Isnt that crazy?? Arent i crazy?
I always feel the need to conform to whomever I am talking to. Oh you like – genre of music? Same, im into them theyre cool. You dont like something that I truly like? I will act like I dont like it either. Yeah man theyre overrated a little bit I see what youre saying my opinion is wrong anyways lol
I constantly think of myself in this abstract fucking weird way from other people’s point of view. * I’m constantly overanalyzing conversations, avoiding social situations, going over the same scenarios both real and imagined again and again and again in my head. I have severe social anxiety that is only getting worse that I’ve always contributed to PTSD but am beginning to see it’s rooted in THIS.
Isnt this FUCKING crazy and stupid? Who lives their life like this?? I dont know of anyone else
Anyway, this weird belief system is obviously destroying my life little by little.
Why do I feel this pressure to be the greatest? IT IS IMPOSSIBLE.
This in itself, I think, is liberating. Just to admit that this is what has been holding me back and suffocating me for all these years. I have so many questions and I’m scared I wont be able to answer them - and if I can’t, who can? When did this begin and why? Why do I do this to myself? How can I stop it? How can I work on it? I want to stop so bad but it feels so engrained in my framework it’s hard to undo. **Important reminder for myself and others:
You do not want to be someone who is universally liked. Those who are universally liked are uninteresting and deeply sad and struggling people. Their lives are unfulfilled and they are never truly happy, for they are chameleons who adapt to every person they meet and can never be themselves or share what makes them unique. They are dumb and basic.
You are unique. You are smart and have thoughts and opinions on things. Some that not everybody likes or understands. Some people will get mad at you and say mean things about you. That happens. You cannot prevent that no matter how hard you try. You need to be yourself and express yoursef and not apologize or feel guilty for who you are and what you like and dislike. There is no one exactly like you so you will never find someone who agrees with you 100%. And that’s the fun of life. Okay? I know it’s hard but you will be okay and life will get so much better and easier. You have to let this go. You aren’t living in a movie.
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man idk what’s wrong with nme but for the past likie 2 or 3 months i have been in such a bad place mentally and nothing is workign out for me and i am trying so hard to make everything feel right but it doesnt work fuck i fucking hate this so much
theres a Boy i am talking to and he just wants seuxal things and it bothers me because i need attention but not that kind quite yet but i still follow through with shit becaus ei tsthe only way i feel confident but it feels so wrong but not wrong i dont know how to expakin it hes so in love with me and i feel terrible i ike him a lil but ... its not rightn i want to be sure
so many peolple are in love with me and it puts so much stres son me theres nothing to like acbout me i hate myself so much holy shit
my ex started talkign to me two days ago bc i did a thing and th eother Boy added him to a cal and i honsetly felt so happy hearing his voice an d id ont know why likie.................... ive tried to suppress those feleings for so long why are they comign up HAH AH AH A he doesnt want to talk to me though i wish he wanted to talk to me i want to talk to him every day i wnt ato torture myself with remembering what happened and thinknign about what could have been i misstn hat kind of love i miss feeling something for someone i miss feelign like a unit i mis s having someoen to depend on i miss having someone eto talk to lmao but helikies someone else an shes a kpop stan an shit and it makes me feel so badbvecuase i am definitely being replace di remember whne he told me he would nver find somoene like m eweat happened to that what happened to me being wroht something to someoen he set her selfie as his wallapper he never did tha ttfor me and wedated for 8 moonths i want to fall outn of moderate feelings or somethin i wish i could be stabl ei wihs i could feel like someone he ,ade me feel like no one i njust want to talk to him regualkrly but nah im worthlessn to him he probably didnt think aobut me at all he prpobably thinks im disgustng i want him to TALKT O ME HAHAH AHA FHGFDGDFG
also my surugery date is gonna b scehduled soon and idk wat to think of it i dont want surgery i dont wa tn this
fuck inm like crying really hardan dthis is really bad i dont want to cry im sick and my mnmose is already tstuffed up its 3 am and ihave important shit to do why can tmy life be good
i was gonna say more stuf fn but i got caugt up thinking about my ex haha hhoo
i dont even wannan sleep because i know im gonan dream about hinm and that shappene for the past like 3 dats i want it to stopi wish i never fell in love
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