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weracetogether · 5 years ago

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RAGBRAI 2019- The Stories of Iowa https://ift.tt/39j7gz4 I will tell the story of RAGBRAI 2019 as all stories are told, from the conclusion. Over the week we rode for 553 miles and climbed for over 21,000 feet. We had five bike mechanical issues requiring shop stops on the way. We had 14 and 13 beer stops, one pork chop, a wood fired pizza, countless pies, cinnamon rolls, pancakes and sausage, cheesecake, cookies, cobbler, homemade icecream, bbq, tacos, BLT, noodles, fresh sweet corn, gyros, pickles, french toast, and I am sure a few other things I am forgetting. We listened to two lines of about 200 songs (and sang the rest of the songs...well I did). We saw cows, horses, kittens, rams, goats, donkeys, rabbits, and one golden retriever (a half mile from the Mississippi). We threw over 20 milkweed balls. We encountered hundreds of people with stories and laughter. We thanked officers and paramedics and nice old church ladies. Well, that's the overview; now for the stories!!!

USAF cycling team- out to help!

Please note the stories may not be told by day- because this is RAGBRAI!!!! (If you don't understand let's go to Iowa the last week of July and bring your bike.) BIKE SHOPS ON THE ROAD RAGBRAI is a traveling city of support, including traveling bike shops. These shops manage everything from flat tires (because yes, people on a 500 miles ride forgot to learn how to change a tube or to even bring a spare tube) to broken bikes (no seriously, "here are the three parts of the bike and this piece that is hanging off. Can you fix it?"). No matter what was brought to them the bike shop staff were always smiling. We know this because for the first four days we became friends with the guys at Bike World and then the next three days we rode by getting "hellos" and waves, while they asked about our bikes. It all started on day 1!! This was our gravel day and the first day we met Brad. Oh Brad!! We were about five miles out from the overnight town when we stopped at a small pass through town on a big hill. After a quick stop I picked up my bike and suddenly it won't roll down the hill. This is not even me being on the bike pedaling, it won't roll down the hill. In this moment Patrick says the best line of the day (maybe the trip)-- "It is operator error or is something wrong?" The look I gave him at this moment I am sure said a bunch of curse words that I won't type out here, but "are you kidding me right now" would have also been communicated in the moment. So I did what any person who has been riding a bike for ten hours would do; I handed Patrick my bike and said here you roll it down the hill. When it stopped and refused to move for him too, he confirmed it was in fact not operator error. Oh good, because I was worried this was going to be a long week of me not knowing how to use a bike (please read that line in the most sarcastic tone with eye roll.). This led to us going back up the hill with what ended up being a broken spoke. Turns out the gravel may have jostled more than my internal organs. This was when we first met Brad. Brad who was putting back together other bikes with "brake problems", "derailer problems", and "I don't know what happened problems", smiled as we stood there waiting our turn. Brad then looked at my bike and confirmed, again, it was not operator error. Then he proceeded to fix the problem. Now you might be thinking "great job Brad, way to fix that issue." But this would not be our last encounter with Brad or Bike World and one other bike shop I don't recall the name of, sorry. Nope Brad would go on to fix Patrick's chain and adjust his cables for better shifting up hills; Bike World would go on to sell me a tire (not a tube, a tire-- this will be important later), an the other bike shop would also sell me a tire and fix my bottom bracket making my bike no longer sound like a paint can rattling up hills. Every time we needed help they were there (or close enough) and they were light hearted with positive words and smiles. We laughed through being close to tears each time we stood at their tents. And Brad-- you ROCK!!! And I am glad you got to see your mom during the trip and got a good home-cooked meal!!! GRAVEL Holy crap super fun day!!!! I was in love with riding the gravel loop the moment my tires hit that slightly muddy, somehow dusty, all bumpy road. However, my riding buddy was not feeling the same way. This was day one of riding and seriously trying not to die or end up with serious injury on day one was a HUGE concern on this 18 mile loop. At about 3/4 of a mile into the gravel course and Patrick announced he was done (there may have been curse words; correction there were curse words). I was now between a gravel road and a tough place, like the end of our adventure on day one. I stood at the top of this little hill, looking at the bigger hill, while Patrick wrestled his demons. But lets be fair I stood there like a three year old with a five dollar bill outside an icecream shop. I am pretty sure I was trying not to smile and bounce and yell, "This is F-ing awesome" (ok so to be honest I may have yelled that)!!! This moment was not about me; I was ride or die and there was honestly a chance at death since this was a new riding type for us. Patrick agreed to go up the next hill which would put us about a mile into the 18 mile ride and maybe 200 feet of the 1500 feet climbing on this loop done. At the top of the next hill we stopped (me still in three year old "Can we PLEASE do this" mode). To my excitement Patrick now announced that while this was clearly a bad idea, maybe not our worse idea but a bad one, he was game to go!!! Pretty sure I was fist pumping the air and yelling "they can't take our freedom" as I headed down the hill full speed. We would stop a few more times at the top of hills with Patrick shaking his head and me bouncing on my dirt packed cycling cleats. We would also make it about five miles from the end of the loop when the rain came back. This added a new component of mud to the course. I was told on several occasions to be careful, even by the ladies at the patch stop (Pottawattamie County, the highest county in Iowa, yeah that wasn't on the description). It seems people know that look in my eye of "I live for danger" and they all try to help Patrick to control this behavior in order that I may not find out where the nearest hospital is in Pottawattamie County (I can tell you it was not going to be on the gavel road we were riding). We made it safely to asphalt again and Patrick's death grip on his handlebars loosened, high fives were given, and oh yeah, tires were changed (tires that I would carry on my bike for the rest of the day-- I honestly didn't mind the attention, because "hell yeah we did the gravel"). For the rest of the trip any gravel on the road was met with Patrick yelling "gravel" in his best Clint Eastwood raspy voice. Because when you overcome the gravel loop you announce that this is old news to you and you are invincible (well, except for that broken spoke mentioned earlier). MILKWEED BALLS

Patrick is attracted to oddities (I mean he married me, you have to know this statement is true). So when he saw a tent with butterflies and heard the words "do you want balls" he couldn't deny the intrigue. Turns out Milkweed Matters is an Iowa group who puts together milkweed balls for cyclist the throw along the roads of Iowa in an effort to grow more milkweed to help the monarch butterflies to thrive in Iowa. Here's what you do-- you pick up milkweed balls, which are designed with "clay" as a no till natural tilling seeding method, you put them in your pocket, you ride your bike along the roadway, you find an area where other wildflowers are growing, where there is no mowing and no crops, then you toss them out there. That's it! Each day the tents are located on the route and you pick up more balls to throw. (You do get told not to eat them and not to take them out of the area, as this milkweed is specific to growing in this area.) A few notes- throwing things from your bike is awkward (for me) and you get dirty looks from those who don't know. I explained on more than one occasion that I was not throwing trash on the roadway, I was throwing milkweed. To which the most common response was a roll of the eyes. (Look people I am saving butterflies here. Does someone saving butterflies litter? No, no they don't. They save the fucking butterflies!!!) JERSEYS THAT BIND US

In cycling events what you wear matters. Things like shorts, padding, gloves, helmet, all very important; but your jersey cements who you are in the minds of those passing or being passed. This is your calling card, it is the story you will tell for the day-- for one day, maybe one mile, but it will forever define you for that person. This is why the jersey is a very important choice. Jerseys bring out the conversations in people. They are easy talking points- "oh you have a jellyfish on your jersey, I was once stung by one"; "Oh your jersey has an anatomically correct heart on it, does it mean something (the answer is no, it just looked tough)". The conversations go on like this. But there are these jersey conversations that also stick out. Patrick was wearing his Escape from Alcatraz jersey. We had done the race a number of years ago. This jersey was noticed and remarked on often during the day. We were standing around in a pass-through town when I guy came up and mentioned that he had done the race back in the late 90's. He told of how much we liked the race and visiting California. he then said, "Yeah, I did the race because when I was a kid we were visiting Alcatraz when the escape happened. I remember the sirens and the commotion." At this point all Patrick and I could do was stare at the guy who didn't lead with this part of the story; no it was a casual second thought. I am pretty sure I questioned the guy, "You mean you were in San Francisco when the escape occurred?" He looked at me like he shouldn't have to repeat himself, but very nicely he said, "Yeah we were there on a family vacation looking at the island when it all happened." Then he said the following, "Well, you guys have a nice ride." Wait!!! What just happened???? Patrick and I just stood there for a minute as this guy walked on to talk to other people. Then I am pretty sure we just started laughing. This is what happens on RAGBRAI, you meet people, they tell you something cool or unique or unexplainable, and then they are gone. WE STOP FOR BEER-- WELL, IOWA CRAFT BEER TENTS RAGBRAI is a drinking game. We found out from a friend (Thanks, Kevin) that on the route would be these white beer tents- IOWA CRAFT BEER TENT (a mix of Iowa breweries)- and you could get an armband. This armband was the gateway to a free tshirt at the end of the week. Here are the rules-- Get a band; Buy a $5 craft beer or root beer at the tents; You must buy at least ten beers and you have 14 stops to achieve the goal; Only one beer per stop will count towards your total. The second set of rules that you have to follow is how to get your beer-- Have your money out; pick which beer and learn its number; get in line; walk to your beer's number; grab beer off the table; walk through, handing your money to the staff at the end of the line; scan your armband; find a shady place to sit and drink. It is a super easy process, except for on the first day when you didn't read the sign about having out money, this gets you a few dirty looks that say "bless her little heart". Patrick will tell you the process was slightly different, because for him he walked through the line and told the money taker "she's paying for me." To which I always answered, "I don't know him." And then the money taker took my $10 without any gesture to give me change. Now, those are the rules, but the game is really-- "What can Teresa drink and still ride and then what can Teresa drink and not feel that weird pain in her left ankle?" GAME ON. Each day there were two stops, three on one day and only one on the last day. We made a plan to stop at each stop starting on day one. This was a good plan because the beer stop on day one was after the gravel, a celebration beer for sure. For the most part the last beer tent was about 10 miles outside of town which gave me a great opportunity to have a dark beer and still be able to get to the night town safely. We never had a bad beer. A few "not my favorites" but never a bad one. In fact the day I had to drink before 9am (because it was short course day) I had a blueberry pancake beer which was the perfect breakfast!!! Mostly at the first stop I had a root beer or a cider (because fruit mid morning does not bring about judgement). The IOWA Craft Beer Tent would also play a vital role in the State Trooper Story found later in this post. BUGS OF IOWA

On the first night in Iowa I got bit by a bug on my ankle. I'm from Florida so I get bit by bugs all the freaking time. But this REALLY hurt. The following day my ankle was hurting on the ride, like really hurting. By the following day my ankle was swelling and bruising-- and hurting every time my shoe touched it (which is a lot over 70 miles a day). Moral of the story Iowa has bugs that belong in Australia!!!! PIE

I know it is a photo of icecream.

One does not talk about RAGBRAI without talking about pie. Honestly, it is one of the reasons to love RAGBRAI and if you don;t understand this this you missed the point of RAGBRAI. The best pies you will find will be the pie stands with 7 year olds or 70 year olds handing out the pies. There is only one rule in RAGBRAI- eat pie, eat pie often! A TIRE, A GIRL, AND A COP WALK INTO A BEER TENT The final story I will tell about RAGBRAI 2019 is a story about the greatness that is the Iowa State Patrol. It was day four (of seven) Patrick and I were set to do the Karras loop which puts the ride miles over a century ride. We had finished the loop and all the hills required to get there. We were ready to get another fruit smoothy and a beer before we checked this day off the list. During the loop my bottom bracket started to sound like a paint can rattling with every push. I knew I was going to be stopping again at a bike shop tent to figure out this sound, because one thing was for sure it was not a "happy" biking sound. Not to be out done Patrick decided to get a flat tire. Not just any flat but a full tire blow out. This would be his second in the week (we are on day FOUR)- the "other" tire. I am pretty sure at this moment my actual words were, "You are fucking kidding me?" Patrick shook his head, "nope". Then many more curse words got said in that moment. Given that my bike actually could be ridden I decided to ride ahead to scout out a bike shop tent. Well, there was not one at the first town down the road. I can back to let Patrick know that I was going to rid on till I found the bike tent and I would bring back a tire for him. He was to sit under the tent at Tom the Turkey and get a fruit smoothy. Funny enough he had "ride friends" there who had been on the course and at this stop with us previously. I rode up about 10 miles and found the bike repair tent. I told the guys about my bike and the paint can noise. "Sure we can look and fix it, but it is going to take a minute." Great, well you see the other problem is my husband needs a tire and is ten miles that way (pointing back down the road). The bike shops guys could not leave and pack up yet and only had the shop truck. I looked around and saw a state trooper vehicle. I asked the bike guy if he knew where the state trooper was located. He pointed up the hill near the beer tent as he handed me the tire I needed to get to Patrick. I told him thanks and that I was going to be back for my bike after I got the tire to my husband. The guy yelled "good luck" as I marched up the hill.

Actual photo sent to State Trooper. Patrick with a bag of unmarked medication.

The State Troopers were walking away when I stopped them. They turned around and the only way I can explain this is they looked like "Super Troopers"- mustaches and aviator sunglasses in place. I smiled, I did not laugh. I told them I had a situation. I then explained that they could either take me and the tire to my husband or they could take the tire to my husband. Yep, you heard that right- there was no option to tell me no. They noticed that too and looked at each other like I was a unicorn asking for directions. After a few moments of repeating the request, officer one tried to tell me they could not do it but officer two said they had to call their supervisor. I told them I would wait. Officer two walked away, I swear he looked like he was pretending to dial. Officer one just started at me. I looked over my shoulder to see the bike shop guys watching and smiling. Officer two walked back up shaking his head- not at me but as his partner. I was grinning so big when he told Officer one that the supervisor had given the go ahead to take the tire to my husband.

Loop patches.

As Officer one stood there astonished at the response. I began to tell the Officer two what my husband looked like and where he was located. This took much longer than I intended, as it seems the officers were not familiar with the area. We played a game of"who's on first" when I was telling them I had no idea what the two name was but that I knew he was as the Tom Turkey tent and that said tent was ten miles "that way". The officer rolled his eyes at me. I never lost it wanting to yell at him, Dude I am from Florida. DO you know where Florida is? A hell of a lot further away than your house." But I didn't, nope I took a deep breath and explained one more time where I left my husband. Oh wait it gets better. The officer asked for my husband's cell number. The issue here is that my husband's phone died earlier in the day and is in my pack on my bike. In full disclosure I told the officer this information. Officer two looked at me dumbfounded and officer one I am pretty sure threw up his arms in a "are you fucking kidding me" gesture. Officer two, after a few deep breaths, looks at me and says, "You know you are making this very difficult for us?" What I didn't say was "if you had left fifteen minutes ago when I gave you the details you would be there by now and not standing here dealing with me." Instead I told him "I know. And I promise I am not trying to but let's be honest cell phones aren't working out here anyway." Then I told him that what I did have was a photo of my husband form earlier today. I actually had a photo of him sitting in the exact spot that he would later be found in!! I also gave the officer a friend's phone number. A friend who I knew was still out of the road, and who I also knew was more than likely not near Patrick, but it was my best chance (the cops never called Kevin).

Kevin and Kelly- TEAM AWESOME

What would follow was 45 minutes worth of me texting with the officer, who turns out gave the tire to his supervisor to take up the road. I am pretty sure the man was irritated in giving me his number but he answered each text with updates. Until the final notice that Patrick had the tire in hand. I thanked the officer for his help and that the people of Iowa, him included, were amazing. In the meantime, I had gone back to the bike repair tent. I was greeted by laughter form the guys who all talked over each other in disbelief that the officer took the tire from me to go in search of my husband. The guys were nearly done with my bike, so what was there to do but o grab a beer (before the tent closed for the night). There I sat, with my fixed bike, on the side of the road, drinking a root beer (yeah, I know my limits) as first Kevin can riding up. When I said "Hi" and then "did a cop call you" the rest of the story got told with laughter following. As I glanced over the left at the road left behind, there he was, riding up the hill with a huge smile on his face. We both started laughing as he rode up. "I guess the State Trooper found you?" I asked him. "Yeah, he did. How?" It was a story told again from the bike seat as we traveled the rest of the way to town, laughing at how a girl got an officer to take a tire up the road by the power of demand. Let me say this in closing of this story- Thank you to the State Troopers who helped us out and kept us safe for not only this one moment but for the whole ride. The officers were amazing being there with support, blaring music, and a helping hand. There are many more stories to tell of RAGBRAI. Stories of lighting bugs, sunrise and sunsets, award winning cinnamon rolls, water slides, rock bands, and holding hands. But for now this is RAGBRAI! RAGBRAI 2019 has come a gone, but the stories will live forever!!!

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weracetogether · 7 years ago

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Failure Greets Us All- Tampa Bay Frogman Swim http://ift.tt/2rJAJB8

Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.- Winston Churchill

You build on failure. You use it as a stepping stone. Close the door on the past. You don't try to forget the mistakes, but you don't dwell on it. You don't let it have any of your energy, or any of your time, or any of your space. - Johnny Cash

When we give ourselves permission to fail, we, at the same time, give ourselves permission to excel. - Eloise Ristad

I have been told my entire life that if you do something, anything, you may and eventually will fail. Now, my parents didn’t say this to be cruel or to have me accept failure in the things I would attempt or as a way of life. Instead they told me this because the reality in this world is that you will falter, things will go wrong, and no will or faith will stop you from meeting failure. I have met failure several times in my life. One such time was when at a young age I failed at being a balance beam gymnast; I learned failure as I fell off a railroad tie surrounding our garden smashing my face into the driveway below. But from this event I learned other things- first, cement hurts like a son of a gun, a lesson I would be taught several times in life. Second, I learned that I could not fear the edge just because I might fall. You see the reason I was on the edge beam was to pick green beans from our garden. All the green beans had been plucked from the “safe” garden area this factor didn’t stop my desire to eat them. I remember the events of this fall clearly- tears, blood, that metal taste in my mouth, my screaming, sitting in the bathroom while my mom bandaged me, peroxide, iodine, stinging. But what I remember more was seeing my mother yelling at me and shaking her head when she caught me picking beans on the edge again, still with healing wounds from my previous failed attempt. Now I laugh and hope that she will too, but then I believe it was far from funny to her and maybe a little twinge in her heart knew she could not stop me from failing or falling in life. In my mind, my being afraid of falling again was not going to help in the task at hand; it wasn’t going to get me those green beans and stepping over or on the tomatoes would surely find me dead. Maybe from this I should have learned to stay away from the edge or to be afraid of heights, but I wasn’t wired or taught that way. Failure didn’t bring fear; it brought stubborn determination and at times more failure.

I didn’t really think about failing when I started racing. I have always had this mentality about racing: just make it to the finish line. I gave little thought to my fear of not making it across that line. I tell you this to tell you that the thing I did fear the most in racing happened this past weekend. I failed to make it to the finish line. I failed to make it to the finish line on a swim event that I not only love completing but have a passion to be at because of the cause they support. Yes, on Sunday, 21 January 2018, I was pulled from the waters of Tampa Bay during the Tampa Bay Frogman Swim; never crossing the finish line.

Now let’s all take a deep breath because I need one. Like the story of the Titanic you now know how the story ends but let me tell you the rest of the story.

The day before the event we did all our normal things. We stopped by Sweetwater to pay for our kayak rental and talk to others about conditions on the water. We then went over for the practice swim. Patrick, braver than me, went in the water skin only. We swam around and out a little ways, feeling the cold “holes” of the water. The water temps were in the mid 50’s, so cold but not unbearable. I swam in my sleeveless wetsuit knowing I would not be in the water for an extended period of time on this day. Just shy of a mile we exited the water. The water was certainly cold, but not the coldest I had swam in. After the swim we went for Korean food (another normal). Now set up, stretched out, and our hunger satisfied, we completed pack pick up. Everyone is friendly. This event is ALWAYS friendly. People don’t feel obligated to have to know you in order to talk to you. The chatter is about the service men we are swimming in name of, past events, and things that have taken place over the past year. We talk of water temps and wind and hope for the both to stay calm overnight. Then satisfied that all boxes are checked and double checked we head home. All normal. The only thing not normal about this day was that my stomach was upset. The 9 miles of throwing up while swimming that plagued the Alligator Lighthouse swim ran through my mind; three cold miles would be a long ways puking in the waters of Tampa Bay, so I hoped for the best.

On Sunday morning, we head to the starting beach. The sun is not up yet; it will rest for a few more hours. Here on the beach we encounter the first problem of the day, Patrick has no kayak. The guys are running late, leaving several swimmers and kayakers nervously pacing the sand. The only positive for me is my dad is there with his kayak. Although I always find comfort in knowing Patrick is on the water, even if not beside me. I talk to a few people but again my attention turns to my stomach which seems to be trying to scream over the crowd for my attention. My first thought is “please don’t throw up”. Then I stated to think, “well if I can just get to the start without throwing up I know I can swim while not feeling well.” TMI moment: Throwing up was not what was actively happening but my stomach was acting up. Thankfully I was out of the porta potties as the athlete and kayaker brief started. As the brief started kayaks were still missing, pacing was still happening; anxiety and frustration rose around us. Just before the ceremony was to begin the kayaks show up and Patrick sets up his rig. He has had a lot of practice setting up a kayak so this is done in short order.

The ceremony began with the reading of the names of the fallen Navy SEALs whose badges we dawn around our necks, whose names we swim in memory of, and whose memories surround us through their families, their friends, their service comrades, and there ever still photos. You remember that you aren’t on this beach for yourself, this is bigger than you. This event brings a purpose beyond ourselves. You are reminded that today you are standing here because others can’t; you stand here because others stood up and gave for you; you stand here because you believe in honor and grace.

Then the Color Guard marches out to present the colors and the National Anthem begins. In the three years I have been a part of the Tampa Bay Frogman Swim one of my favorite things is the National Anthem (swim or not swim it plays). Not only because it is another reminder of those who we stand on this beach as representative for but because of what happens next. As the singer begins the crowd falls silent. You see hands reaching to their hearts, people stand to attention, and salutes are offered toward our ever waving flag. Then as the second line begins you hear small voices from all around you begin to sing. The voices get louder, stronger, raised together, and inspiring others. By the time bombs are bursting in air your heart to soaring with pride and compassion for your purpose of this day. The conclusion of the National Anthem brings cheers and uproar across the beach. The colors are retired and the start line begins to bustle.

As the first wave heads out the cheers on the shore are loud, as many remain there, waiting. This cheering noise will diminish as the wave numbers go higher and the number of those left on the beach dwindles. The second wave goes off and there is a call out for an extra kayaker. Patrick, who was not assigned a swimmer yet, goes towards the call for assistance. He begins to move his kayak to head out in the following wave only to have it realized his kayak is a rental and could be used by the support member for the particular swimmer. See the kayak for this person didn’t show up, meaning Patrick’s kayak would go but not Patrick. As I approached, thinking I was kissing him good bye and telling him to paddle strong, he was removing his gear from the kayak and it was being whisked away to another kayaker who jumped in and went to find his swimmer. There was talk of more kayaks coming but it wasn’t looking good for Patrick to get on the water this day. While Patrick was never intending on kayaking for me, like I mentioned before there is a comfort in him being on the water, a comfort I can’t put in words but it is built over years of trust and hours of him looking after me in the water.

My wave readied, I hugged my mom and kissed Patrick and told my dad I would see him out in the water. My wave entered the water slowly since the water temps were low and the sun had not warmed us yet we moved very slowly, as if we would not be cold if we snuck in not disrupting the water. We gathered together wishing each other good luck, reminding each other to be safe, and letting each other know we would see them on the other side. Our kayakers are behind us and I spot my dad giving him a signal that I am who I am- seems hard to tell us apart in our wetsuits and hot pink caps. My dad signals back; we would do this about three times before the horn would start our wave.

In the minutes leading up to the start I felt good. I had my line laid out in my mind and knew where I wanted to be in order to be in “clean” water and out of the crowd. The horn went off and I took a high line closer to the radio tower and then bridge. My dad was at my right hand side within a few minutes of the start. I gave him a wave, just to acknowledge that I knew it was him. I settled into my stroke early- 1, 2, 3, breathe, 1, 2,3, breathe, spotting forward as needed and watching the bow of the kayak for direction. The sun was, as usual, in a horrible spot hiding the buoys for me, but I knew our course was good. On the course we were on we were out closer to the bridge, just us and a few other swimmers; all the rest of the teams were closer to the buoys and mostly out of my sight as they were behind my dad’s kayak given my water level view. I was in clean, flat waters and moving well. At about a half mile I felt this tightness on my left side, but it quickly faded and I gave it no second thought. I figured it was shoulder and back tightness from the full wetsuit I was wearing. I am not a fan of a full wetsuit but I wanted warmth over comfort.

I felt strong hitting the first mile mark. I was holding a good pace and we were positioned well in the Bay for the current drift that was happening. We began crossing the sandbar. On the sandbar I started to feel the side pain again, only this time it was going from my shoulder to my hip on the left side. Also there was a feeling like my guts were being crushed by the wetsuit. I briefly stood up and stretched my side and arm. I felt the water leave the top of the wetsuit, which I believe added to the problems to come (only in retrospect). I reentered the water and began swimming again. Now I could feel the cold rush over my core. I tried to focus on the stroke, to find that smooth motion I had before- 1, 2, 3, breathe. I was longing for this pattern to come back to give me a sense of comfort and control, but I was not finding the rhythm. I swam on and then something happened I had never had happen before.

As I was swimming it was as if there were two worlds overlaid on each other. One is reality and the next was a disorienting view of reality, like waking up from a dream where you are trying to figure out if what your mind is showing you is real or not. Only I wasn’t asleep. In years of racing with cold, sleep deprivation, pain, lacking nutrition, I had never had a cognitive feeling like this one. Somehow my mind was literally scaring me into thinking I was going to sink. I know this is crazy- one I am in a full wetsuit, you don’t sink in wetsuits; two, I am in three feet of water I can literally stand up inn this moment. I swim a little more and the water deepens. I pop up and grab for the kayak. I am pretty sure this is the moment that I saw panic in my father’s eyes. A panic I had not seen since I was much younger and popped my elbow out of socket while wrestling in the living room. I grabbed the kayak thinking I could center myself. I think I told my dad that I was okay but that I didn’t know what was happening in a sense of I didn’t know why I was not just continuing to swim past this feeling. I took a few breaths and tried to stretch again to ease the pain along my side. I let go of the kayak and went back into the water.

My dad pulled up his anchor and paddled. I only made it a short distance further before popping up again and grabbing for the kayak. I knew now what I had feared was about to happen. My dad felt my hands and my neck, I said, “I can’t do it.” Something was wrong and I did not know what. Funny enough I know that I didn’t become disoriented to not knowing where I was or what was going on because in true athlete fashion I stopped my Garmin at 1.8 miles my day was over.

Before I could really process what was taking place my dad singled for help, the right choice as time wasn’t something needing to be wasted if something bad was happening. The safety jet-ski with rescue board came over and the lifeguard jumped off the back. He helped me onto the board, jumped on to the jet-ski and instructed the driver to go, but to go easy so I would not be thrown off. I had wrapped my arms into the roping on the board and he held my hands, shifting my body to make sure I stayed on the board. I know he told me his name but I was too busy being mad at myself and frustrated to remember. He told me repeatedly that I was okay; he was comforting and kind. My mind raced I knew I was okay. My health was okay, but “I” was not okay.

I could feel the shore getting closer. As we slowed and then stopped I stood up. The pain along my side still there, still reaching deep into my abdomen. Patrick and my mom were on the shore, they both jumped up seeing me. Patrick came towards me as the race coordinator and medical personnel moved towards me. I wanted to disappear. I wanted to ask to be taken back out to where I had quit in the water. I wanted to start again. I wanted to be anywhere but there.

Here is the thing when you come in behind a jet-ski people want to check on you, they want to make sure you are safe, they want to ask you questions. While I had heard the speech earlier to listen to the race personnel and if something happened to let them help, all I wanted was for the world to stop spinning so I could figure out what was happening and the place to do this was not beside the finish line that I was not going to cross. I told them I was good, no need for medical care. They pointed me towards the warming tent or medical tent if I did find myself in need of them. My mother looked at me with worry but comfort that I was safe.

Patrick was there and even though he will tell you I stubbornly did not listen to him either, the only thing I wanted was to be next to him; there I knew I was safe. I was fighting tears- tears over this failure, tears over feeling I failed those I was representing today, tears from failure to be able to push down this pain. I didn’t want to cry here, I wanted to yell at myself. Patrick convinced me to go to the warming tent and lie down on the warming mat. I was there with the mat warming around me, a shower cap warming my head, and a warming blanket over me. I should have felt good warming up. I should have been happy to be safe. But I wanted to run away. Each finisher who came in I wanted to hide from out of embarrassment and my own frustration. After only a short time I was done, I could not take being there any longer. I was not able to lie there any longer without sobbing and I didn’t want to do that, not here, not over myself.

Patrick walked with me to the truck to get changed and then back to the beach. My dad kayaked up and when he looked at me it was like I was five years old again. He hugged me, repeating that I was okay and he was glad I was safe.

We packed up and with few words between the four of us we went to the after event. As my family went in I took a moment to sit in the truck and cry. First I cried about my failure. I let that fear of failure sink in, the realization that it had happened flooded over me. I replayed every moment in my mind, where it went wrong, why it went wrong, how it should have or could have been. Then I got mad at myself. Not for failing but for my change in perspective. My failing to complete the last 1.5 miles did not change why I was there, it did not change the fundraising we completed, and it did not change my pride in representing a group who gives to the families of fallen warriors. I sat there and cried over all of it. Then I took a deep breath and went inside.

Again I still did not want to talk to anyone. I still wanted to disappear. I felt ashamed and embarrassed to be standing in this space with others who didn’t fail; others who made it across the finish line. We went home that day again with few words. For me I needed the one thing that could not happen right then I needed time to think.

Over the next few days I just tried to forget about the water, but it would come flooding back to my mind, replaying over and over. This was my happy place and now all I could think about was being pulled from it. I am still not sure what caused what or why it happened in that moment on that day- other than to say failure happens. Maybe the side pain and cramping was from the cold or a lack of nutrition or from my stomach attempting to leave the body union. Maybe I should have trained longer in the full wetsuit. Maybe I needed more time in colder water. Perhaps I was caught up in negative self-talk that just manifested itself in the real world in that moment. Maybe it was all or none or all, I don’t know.

Here is what I do know. Failure sucks… but it does not define me. It does not define my passion. It does not define my grit. It does not define my love. It does not define my family. It does not define my life. It simply defines the moment. A moment that will be met with stubborn determination.

I will swim again. I will find the finish line again. And someday when I least suspect it I will meet failure again, but I don’t fear that day. I don’t need to fear failure because what has never failed in my life was standing on that shore that day with compassion, love, and support that held me steady and stopped the world for me for just a moment allowing me to catch my breath. In that moment I was surrounded by purpose and by those who love me unconditionally. This is what I learned in this failure- when you fall of the edge, when you stop in the middle of the bay, when failure greets you, if you look around there is love and there is no reason to ever fear when there is love.

And my favorite quote of failure:

The phoenix must burn to emerge. - Janet Finch

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