#Idk if I can wait until Tuesday for pain relief

[frenchibi]

Not to make depressing personal posts on main but I have been having a really bad pain week and I'm ready to mcfreakin lose it

[whump-tr0pes]

Honor Bound 2 - 32

This is a series. Start here, continued from here. 

This is a sequel to Honor Bound. 

AO3

Thank you to everyone who came to the livewrite for this!!! I had the time of my life watching y’all scream over my dumbasses. You have no idea how hard it was to write this with y’all screaming MAKE THEM FUUUUUUUUCK and not actually do it. So I love you. You’re my people. 

The spice will come later I promise.

Cw: blood, gore, nightmare monsters with pointy teeth (idk dude I creeped myself out writing it), mention of past rape and torture, mention of really, really bad parents enabling/encouraging torture, tricky ex-whumper/whumpee dynamics

Gavin was home again.

He knew it immediately. The walls, the pictures on them, the carpet, the light, the smell, it was all exactly how he remembered it. Years ago, or weeks ago? He wasn’t sure. He just knew he was home. 

He wandered through the front door, dragging his fingers along the wall, looking around at the place that seemed frozen in time. 

When’s the last time I was here? Years ago, or weeks ago?

He shrugged and kept moving. 

He passed the grand staircase, disappearing into shadows upstairs. Where his bedroom was, and his parents’ bedroom. And his play room, now turned into a study for when he wanted to work from home. A coat closet to his left. A bathroom to his right. Past a corner, into a living room. A kitchen, off to his right. A room at the end of the hallway, where he had spent hours playing under his father’s desk while he worked. “Come here, Gavin. Look at this map. We’ll learn the cities together. Soon it’ll be yours.”

It was exactly the same as he remembered it— Years ago, or weeks ago? What did it matter? It was perfect. He ran his hand along his father’s desk, the low set of drawers along the wall.

The hair on the back of Gavin’s neck stood up. He heard breathing behind him. Not the kind of breathing that comes from a normal human throat. 

Icy terror poured down his spine as his hands clenched into fists. No. No no no no no.

“Gavin.”

The sound of his father’s shredded voice clutched Gavin’s heart. A shudder rippled through him. He closed his eyes, praying that if he didn’t look, it would go away. He wouldn’t have to see it. Tears rolled down his cheeks and he felt breath on the back of his neck. 

He spun around in a panic, his hands flying out in front of his face to protect himself. Still several feet away, his father stood, looking at him. 

His throat was completely torn away, gaping raggedly, blood bubbling in the deep tear that disappeared into his neck. His father’s eyes were blank and clouded, like his soul was already gone, as he stood there staring at Gavin. 

Gavin pressed himself back against the drawers, heart beating out of his chest. “D-dad…”

His father’s voice gurgled out of him. “Hello, son.”

“P-please, no, I don’t… please…”

His father grinned. “Want to see me make her good again?”

Gavin’s stomach dropped, and he gagged. “No. No no no no I don’t want that. Dad. No.”

Gavin blinked. 

There was someone else standing behind his father. She looked like Vera, felt like Vera. He knew she was Vera. 

But her mouth gaped open with razor sharp teeth, pointed and deadly. 

She looked like a monster. 

Gavin shivered. “No. No no fuck, Vera, I’m sorry, please no…”

His father’s hand closed around Vera’s hair and forced her to her knees. 

“No no no, dad no…” Gavin staggered a step forward, his hand outstretched. 

Vera lunged forward and snapped her teeth at Gavin’s hand. 

He screamed and fell backwards, bashing his head against the drawers behind him. His father barked out a wet, shrieking laugh. “I told you. She’s feral.” He jerked her back to her knees and stared down at her with a smile on his vacant face. “This is why I had to make her good.” 

“Dad, you…” Gavin got to his feet, forcing down the bile that clawed up his throat as he stared at his father. “You made her like this!”

His father chuckled and loosened his hold on Vera’s hair. “You want me to let her go, then? You want me to let her get you?”

“N-no, please, just… Why did you…” Gavin choked down tears. “Why did you do this?”

“I told you, son,” his father croaked. “I told you from the beginning. What you feel is right, no matter what. They exist to be our—”

“No!” Gavin shouted. “They don’t! You… she wouldn’t be this way if you didn’t…” He gasped and his eyes snapped to Vera.

She was fighting his father’s hold, writhing against the hand in her hair, clawing her way towards Gavin. Her eyes bored into his, and blood dripped down her chin from her teeth. She snarled at him wordlessly. 

“Please,” he whispered to her. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know.” 

Her lips pulled back over her teeth. She broke his father’s hold and threw herself on top of him, snapping at his throat. 

“No!”

Gavin pushed away from the weight on top of him, sobbing. “No no no no no please!”

“Gavin.” 

He knew that voice. It wasn’t Vera’s. 

“Gavin.”

“No,” he whimpered, flailing in the dark. 

“Oh, for fuck’s sake…” The weight disappeared, and Gavin slumped back to the bed, sobbing with relief. The light blazed on and Gavin flinched back, covering his eyes. The sheets tightened around him and he thrashed, panicking. 

“For fuck’s sake, Gavin, calm the fuck down. It’s me.”

Gavin shuddered. “I-Isaac?”

“Yeah, dumbass.” Gavin’s eyes slowly focused. Isaac was standing by the door, his arms folded over his chest, his face like a storm cloud. 

Gavin trembled and pulled at the sheets. ���I… Fuck, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you.”

Isaac grit his teeth. “Well, you did. I’m going back to bed.” He reached for the nightswitch. 

Gavin’s stomach lurched. “Isaac, please.” Isaac stopped at whatever he heard in Gavin’s voice. “Can you just… just wait?”

Isaac stared into the hallway, his throat working around a swallow. A muscle stood out in his jaw as he clenched his teeth. 

Tears burned in Gavin’s eyes, and he looked down, mortified. “I… I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I’m… just really fucking freaked out right now.” 

Isaac dragged his hand across his face. “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” he mumbled, so quietly Gavin almost missed it. Then he turned and leaned up against the doorframe. “Okay. What do you want?”

I want to not be so fucking scared all the time. “Please. I just…” Gavin’s head fell forward into his hands. “I don’t know. I’m sorry.” 

Isaac crossed his arms across his chest. His hands were squeezed into fists. He stared at Gavin with a look that could have been disgust, if there wasn’t that flicker of fear behind it. Gavin’s heart clenched with shame. Yeah, no shit, dumbass. You fucking tortured him. 

I never broke him, though.

Gavin picked at the bedspread. “I’m sorry it was, um, you.” Gavin stole a glance at Isaac where he stood. 

Isaac’s eyes narrowed. “Sorry what was me?”

“I’m um, sorry you’re the one I woke up. I guess I…” He fell silent. 

Isaac blew out a scornful-sounding breath. “It’s not exactly like you have your pick here of people you haven’t fucking traumatized.”

Gavin swallowed. “I… I know. I’m s—”

“Don’t,” Isaac growled. “Don’t fucking say you’re sorry.”

Gavin chewed his lip. “Then what the fuck do you want me to say?”

Isaac ground his teeth together and for a moment, Gavin thought Isaac might beat him to death right here. If I’ve gotta go out some way…

Instead, Isaac slid to the ground. He pressed his face into his hands. “Ugh.” The sound came out muffled.

Gavin twisted the sheets between his hands, his heart still beating hard in his chest. 

“I…” Isaac dropped his hands and stared at the ceiling. “I want you to say…” Isaac shook his head. “I don’t know what the fuck I want you to say. The damage has been done.” 

Gavin’s throat tightened with a sob. “I… I kn-know I, um, damaged you.” 

Isaac’s eyes snapped to Gavin’s. “Oh, fuck you.”

Gavin swallowed. “I’m sorry.” 

Isaac smoothly got to his feet and took a step towards the bed. “You don’t know fucking damage. You don’t know a fucking thing.” 

Gavin pressed himself back against the headboard. “I—”

“Shut up,” Isaac snapped. “You don’t know how it feels to look at your two best friends and watch them fucking break because of something some entitled, sadistic asshole decided to do because it was a fucking Tuesday. You don’t know how it feels to watch every single person you love dragged into the middle of a room and tortured in the worst possible way. You don’t know a fucking thing.” Isaac’s hands curled into fists. “Do you fucking understand?”

A tear escaped to run down Gavin’s cheek and he nodded, cringing backways. “Yes. I’m… I’m sorry.”

Isaac’s body shuddered forward. “I don’t understand why Gray won’t let me fucking kill you.”

Gavin held a hand out in front of him. As if he could protect himself from Isaac. As if he could try. “P-please don’t.” 

Isaac squeezed his eyes shut, his chest heaving. “Fuck,” he whispered. He blew out a slow, forceful breath. “Fuck.” He took a step back. Then another. He opened his eyes. His face was pulled into such a look of anguish that Gavin felt it like a physical pain. Isaac fell back another step, against the doorframe, and slid to the floor again. 

Gavin cast around for something that would be helpful to say. 

“Um…” He bit his lip. “I’m… I’m not a sadist anymore?”

Isaac looked murderous. 

Oh. I fucked up.

Gavin frantically backpedaled. “Oh, fuck. I mean, um, I… I won’t do it again. And… and I don’t want to do it again. I just want—” He cut himself off as Isaac turned an alarming shade of red. Gavin’s mouth snapped shut. 

“What,” Isaac snarled through his teeth, “Do you want. I’m dying to fucking know.” 

Gavin’s vision blurred with tears. He bit down hard on his lip, trying to keep the tears from spilling. If I tell him, he’s going to kill me.

He’s never going to fucking trust me until I do.

Gavin swallowed, pressing the sleeves of his sleeping shirt against his eyes. “Um. I…” He blew out a shaky breath, considering for a moment it might be his last. “I… just… want to feel like I have a family again.” 

Gavin held his breath. Waited for Isaac to launch himself across the room and bash his skull in like he so looked like he wanted to do just about constantly. Gavin didn’t move an inch. Waiting. 

He started to get dizzy from the lack of oxygen. He dragged in a gasp and dared to peek over his hands at Isaac’s face. 

Isaac had gone a ghostly white, looking at Gavin with something that surpassed horror. Gavin’s heart sunk in his chest. 

“And you want… you want… my family?” Isaac rasped. His lips trembled.

“I don’t want to… to steal them, or anything, I mean…” Gavin wrapped his arms tight around his chest. “I mean…” He shook his head. “I thought…” His voice wavered. He tried again. “Everything about my family was, um. Was a lie. I thought they loved me. I thought they… they gave a fuck about me. But I’m, um… I’m starting to realize… they only ever loved me when I was, um. Like them. They… they ignored me when I did anything else. When I, um. Wanted. Anything else. And I…” He gasped, holding his hand out to Isaac. “I’m not trying to say I had it worse. Okay? I’m not. I swear. But… I never knew there was, um, anything else. I should have fucking known, okay? But… it… um… h-hurting people was, was all I was ever good at. And I was good at it. I never had to do anything else. I never had to, um, learn to be anything else. And then… when I didn’t want that anymore…” Gavin swallowed the burning sensation in his throat and closed his eyes. “Um… as soon as I was, um, someone else, someone who was, um, broken, they… she… threw me out. But you…” Gavin shuddered, sure he was pushing too far, that he would say the wrong thing, that he would ruin everything more than it had already been ruined. “Everyone’s, um, broken. Here. And you all…” He couldn’t say it. 

“We what?” 

Gavin opened his eyes and looked at Isaac. He had his hands at his sides, still curled into fists, his breaths moving fast through his chest. Gavin steadied his breath. 

“Everyone’s broken here. And you all still love each other.” 

Isaac leaned back against the doorframe, his eyes still fixed on Gavin. He crossed his arms in front of his chest and breathed slow. 

Gavin swallowed hard. “And I want that, too.” 

Isaac opened his mouth to speak. Closed it. Opened it. Closed it again. 

Gavin buried his face in his hands. Fuck. 

“You wanted a family, so you went and found the family you tortured?” There was something in Isaac’s voice Gavin couldn’t place. He didn’t raise his head. 

“You are, um, good people. Good people are easy to hurt but, um, I don’t want to, uh, hurt you.”

“You almost took my family away from me,” Isaac whispered. “Do you fucking remember that? Is that even real to you?”

Gavin lifted his head. The pain that dragged at Isaac’s face made Gavin’s throat tight. 

“Do you fucking remember holding a gun to Sam’s head and telling me you’d kill them if I didn’t fucking torture them? My fucking sibling?”

Gavin clenched his teeth together. He nodded. 

“Do you remember torturing my best friend with the man who raped her and tortured her for months?” 

Gavin opened his mouth to speak.

“Don’t fucking say you didn’t know about the rapes. I’ve already fucking heard it. If you didn’t know, then you’re an idiot.”

“I am an idiot, Isaac,” Gavin whispered. “That’s what I’ve tried to fucking tell you.”

Isaac laughed once, bitterly, and rolled his eyes up to the ceiling. “Are you even the same fucking person?”

Gavin swallowed. “Yeah. Just… minus everything that made me who I was, yeah.”

Isaac snorted. “Then there wasn’t much to you in the first place, was there?”

Gavin’s mouth twisted. “Don’t be an asshole, Isaac.” 

“God forbid there be two in the room,” Isaac snapped. 

Gavin laughed tightly, darkly. “See, this is why I—” OH GOD DON’T FUCKING SAY THAT. 

“Why you what?” Isaac’s eyes narrowed.

—why I loved torturing you. The rapport. Gavin shook his head. “Can I just say it was something really, really stupid that I don’t wanna say and call it good?”

Isaac stared at him for a moment, then let his head thump back against the doorframe. “Sure. Why the fuck not.”

Gavin breathed out a desperate sigh of relief. “Thank you,” he wheezed. 

Isaac tapped his fingers against his legs. After a moment, he said, “Dare I ask what your fucking nightmare was about?”

Gavin’s eyes widened. “Um. No. Oh no no no.” He really will kill me. I can’t fucking tell him that.

Isaac tilted his head. “No, I really wanna know. What scares Gavin fucking Stormbeck?” His tone was taunting, but he wasn’t radiating the murderous rage Gavin always seemed to cause in him. 

“Um…” Gavin closed his eyes for a moment, then opened them again as an image of Vera with teeth like a fucking anglerfish flashed through his mind. “Ugh. Fuck. You have to, um, promise not to get mad.”

Isaac’s face darkened. “No I fucking don’t.” 

Gavin bit his lip. “Well, I… I can’t fucking help what my subconscious thinks of, right?”

Isaac said nothing, just stared at Gavin with a snarl on his face. 

Gavin’s head thumped back against the headboard. “Fucking fine.” Just thinking of it made his stomach clench with fear. “Um… I had a dream I was um, at my house, where Vera, um… Where my, uh, dad was killed. And he was there, looking all bloody and fucking horrifying. And Vera was there, too, looking like a fucking… well, like a fucking nightmare, with sharp teeth and shit, like she always does…” 

“Wait… ‘like she always does’?” Isaac’s eyes narrowed. 

“I, um.” Gavin looked down at the bedspread thinking, for not the first time tonight, that this is when Isaac would kill him. “I’ve, um, ha-had nightmares about Vera, um, killing my dad. Every…” He drew in a deep breath and blew it out. “...every fucking night.” 

Isaac leaned back, considering that. “Oh. Holy shit.” A smile quirked at his lips. “She’d be fucking thrilled to know that.” 

“Yeah, I bet she fucking would,” Gavin grumbled. He glanced up and saw Isaac’s eyes fixed on him again. Agh, fuck. He shook his head and kept going. “So she, um, was there, with my dad, and my d-dad said he would, um, let her…” Another slow breath. “Let her get me if I didn’t want to…” Gavin’s eyes flicked to Isaac’s again. Yup. He’s gonna fucking murder me for this. “He said he would let her get me if I didn’t, um, want to watch him…” He squeezed his eyes shut, terrified to look at Isaac while he said it. “...make her good.” 

Gavin flinched back, eyes still desperately squeezed shut, at Isaac’s soft intake of breath. He braced himself, shivering against the headboard. 

Nothing moved for a moment. 

“And what the fuck did you say?” Isaac growled at him. 

“I… I didn’t want him to. I wanted him to stop.” Gavin shuddered. “I just wanted him to fucking stop.” 

For a moment there was nothing but the sound of their breathing. 

There was a rustle of movement and Gavin’s eyes flew open. Isaac stood from his spot against the doorframe and leaned against the wall. 

“I…” Isaac said softly. He wet his lips and tried again. “I don’t know how I can ever trust you.”

Let me earn it.

Can I earn it?

I want to earn it.

“I… I know.” Gavin’s voice creaked out of him, heavy with sadness. 

“No. Do you understand what you’ve done to me and my family?”

Gavin was silent. 

Isaac shook his head. “I don’t know how I can trust you,” he said again, quieter. He turned to leave, his hand reaching for the lightswitch. 

“No, please,” Gavin breathed. 

Isaac paused in the doorway. 

Gavin swallowed. “L-leave the, um, the light on. Please.” 

Isaac dropped his hand and left. 

Continued here

@untilthepainstarts, @womping-grounds, @free-2bmee, @quirkykayleetam, @walkingchemicalfire, @inpainandsuffering, @redwingedwhump, @burtlederp, @castielamigos-whump-side-blog, @insomniacscoprio, @cursedscribbles, @whumpywhumper, @stxck-fxck, @omega-em-z-02, @whumps-the-word, @slaintetowhump, @finder-of-rings, @neutralcinnamon, @thatsthewhump, @im-just-here-for-the-whump, @orchidscript

[bigwigs]

i feel like i’ve been long overdue a work vent...

so...

in october i had to take five days off sick in the 2nd and 4th weeks - 3 because i had some weird viral thing which made me feel like i had the flu but without any of the congestion, and 2 because i got hit with a really nasty cold (which everyone in my office has had or is about to have soon). when i got back from the second bout my manager was like we can’t pay you for those last 2 days you were off, we have a policy for only paying for 10 sick days. and i was like ok, fine i guess, like i can’t do anything about that now and i couldn’t have come in (and nobody would have wanted me to!!) even if i had known that. he seemed very concerned over whether i was OK and whether work needed to do anything to accommodate me and it was just the weirdest most intense conversation i’ve ever had over having a cold.

fast forward to two weeks later. 

for y’all who don’t know i have had a horrible toothache since sunday* - i made an appointment to see a dentist next week on tuesday but it’s gotten progressively worse to the point where yesterday i was sat at work crying because a) pain, and b) i phoned the non-emergency healthcare line who said i needed to see a dentist “within 24 hours”. they gave me three numbers to try and none of them could take me (and the private dentist i’d tried wouldn’t answer the phone). the prospect of waiting until tuesday was unbearable.

* it has not been a good few weeks.

like i went to the bathroom to cry and when i got back my colleague was like dude just go home and i thought about it for a while and decided to yeah, go home, like i could be miserable and in pain at work or miserable and in pain with wearing pyjamas and sitting with my cats. so i said fine i’ll go work from home.

my manager was out of the office so i sent him an email to say hey heads up, i’m going to WFH this afternoon because my tooth is hurting - i’m going to try to get an appointment for tomorrow and will keep you posted.

i got home, got into PJs, had some paracetamol and did a saltwater mouth rinse and immediately felt better. i hopped on my work laptop (which i’d brought with me) and worked up until 4pm because i normally finish at 4 on wednesdays. then i played an hour of rdr2 before conceding to the pain and having to go lie down.

(while i was lying down, my private dentist called back and said i could come in on friday and i nearly cried with relief.)

ANYWAY so i figure i’ll work from home for the rest of the week in case i’m able to get an appointment earlier - it makes no sense to make the 40 minute trip to work only to have to come right back if somewhere local can take me - and also because like, i’m in pain and being at home is more comfortable!! i’ll get more done!!)

but when i checked my email this morning i had 2 emails from my manager, sent just after i’d stopped working. one in response to the heads up i’d sent him: “Thanks for the email. How are you now? Have you managed to work, or are you sick? Did you manage to get an appointment?“

and one to the whole team:

“Hi all, Just a quick note on working from home, and the process here. Whilst we support working from home, when required, it is important to remember that if you are sick then you are sick and working from home should not be the substitute. If you are not fit for work then you should be resting up and not working from home so that you get better quicker. Within in our roles it is important that we are in the office to support each other. Our colleagues depend on our day to day support to get the job done and it is far more effective when you are in the office. So to clarify, working from home must be scheduled in advanced and approved.  Hope this helps clarify, any questions please give me a shout as I am happy to talk through any that you might have. Thanks for your support.“

idk if i read it the wrong way but i sort of feel like i was being accused of something? like he’s saying i should have taken an (unpaid!) sick day instead even though i CAN work?

i replied to the email directed to me:

“I did work in the afternoon (~2:20 to 4 as I arrived at 8 and didn't take lunch). I'm not really sick, just in pain, and was having a tough time being comfortable at the office so [colleague] suggested I go home. I found out this morning that my dentist can squeeze me in Friday at 1pm but might ring around to see if I can get an appointment elsewhere today.”

he replied..

“OK, great. In terms of today then, are you fit for work? Are you coming in the office? Or is today a sick day?”

like why are those the only two options????

i can come into the office and be in pain and non-functional or work from home and be in pain but slightly more functional?? like great yes i saw your email but i can’t.. go back in time... ???? or magically make myself not be sick?

i asked if it was ok for me to WFH today and tomorrow morning until i get to see the dentist and. no response. & now i’m expecting to be pulled into another weird meeting next week. i just don’t understand?

[castawxayaway]

Pause: Part Two

Yes, this is a surprise to me too. Pause was if I’m correct my second piece(?) that I wrote for this blog and I haven’t really written anything like this since wedif ended. This isn’t me coming back, I’m in a good place now but this story lingered in my mind. When I posted part one I was asked by an anon to do part two, agreeing to it I started to write but just never continued. Ending on one of my most successful pieces and seeing the progress I made in just under a year is fascinating. If you’ve read Pause, or remember reading it when it came out please please let me know - I’d love to hear from anyone who has been here that blooming long or any thoughts in general. So Pause, the full circle of my writing. 

Little life update (for those who care? idk): I’m happier, in a better place mentally and have chosen (at last) to go to University in September and will be studying creative writing. Thank you for the positivity x

Oh and if you’re new, here are a bunch of links that may be of use- all in one place :) 

my beloved part one / the entire masterlist / writing everyday in february (wedif) / my personal writing, soon to be my main writing 

Enjoy! It is a long one, but I had to do it justice.

​

Mumbling nonsense I slowly rolled over in my bed, my eyes still lazily closed. Outside I could hear the light pattering of raindrops against my window, temporarily staining it, tainting my view of home. My eyes hesitantly opened as they remained heavy with sleep, I allowed myself to momentarily adjust to the dull morning light glancing by through my window as I loudly yawned. Sitting upright I heard things click, a spring go in my mattress followed by silence.

Rubbing my eyes I picked my phone up, checking the time wondering why the incessant blaring of my alarm has yet to ruin my morning. "Shit!" Yelling I forced myself out of my bed. I was three hours late for a meeting with my manager.

The rush of the late morning had begun without me, the city was too busy for me to get through with ease. Incessantly swearing I got dressed, grabbed my things and called my manager who seemed more stressed than I was. “I’m sorry somehow I overslept! I was up until late working on the latest chapter!” I struggled to catch my breath as I ran down the street, nearing my car and throwing everything in. “No, don’t leave. I’m just on my way now, you’ll want to read this chapter, you’ll love it Daniel!” Now I spoke with force, I couldn’t lose this chance, not now. 

“Just, just hurry then. See you soon.” With an irritable tone he hung up, leaving me with the sound of my own shallow breaths as I started the car and pulled away from the apartment block. Glancing over to the passengers seat my prized possession remained intact, my laptop storing the rough version of my novel, my debut novel that is. 

Driving slowly as the traffic piled up I saw figures stood next to my car, smiling to myself I saw two of them interacting, laughing with one another whilst waiting there for that infamous bus to turn up. The days of waiting for the bus are behind me thankfully, but I can’t help but miss the strange interactions every now and then, those always made me laugh. Nearing the cafe I parked my car and readjusted the plain black jumper, now well worn as I pull my hair forward, hiding the various stains and avoid the judging eyes.

As I opened the door I kept my laptop close to my chest as I spotted Daniel, staring straight at the pastries with beady eyes. Rolling my eyes I walked over, put my laptop down before he even noticed and went back to buy an arrangement of pastries and brought them to him as a peace offering. 

Rolling my eyes I selected various flaky pastries to those heavily iced and glazed. Taking these in hand I turned around and began to walk towards him with a sweet smile etched on my face, “Truce?” I questioned as I held the pastries up clear to him and as I did his eyes widened momentarily before straightening up and merely nodding. 

“So, pastries first business later? I can hear your stomach rumble.” He joked and passed me one of the few pastries and to say I devoured it would be putting it lightly. Flakes of pastry decided to cling into my hair which I soon noticed as Daniel kept glancing to it, subtly trying to help me out without embarrassing me, something he has to do too often. 

Sitting there listening to him talk I couldn’t help but daydream, couples passed by, effortlessly happy. Something I secretly long for in a form other than my own written words but in contact, someone who would hold me and enclose me rather than an over sized jumper. Clicking of fingers causes me to snap out of my thoughts as I turn my head back to Daniel, his green eyes boring into mine. “Just go over these notes that I’ve made and send me the finished chapter before the week is over yeah?” He asked as he gathered his things. 

Nodding in response I stood up, giving him a tight hug. “Thanks Danny.” Grinning to him he shrugged it off, always hating the nicknames I give him but I know he secretly craves the attention. After all, don’t we all? 

Watching him walk out I take his seat, allowing me to observe the entirety of the quaint cafe, my haven. Though it is a late Tuesday morning and the sun continues to shine through the rain of last night the chattering of strangers remains active, putting my earphones in I zone out of it all and focus on the words that appear on my screen. My intense tapping continues, the music continues to flood my ears and slowly my drink becomes less full and the pastries are something of the past.

Placing my cup down it feels too light, glancing over I see the barista hovers, patiently waiting for a customer to disturb her peaceful moment. Clicking save I leave my laptop and walk over towards her, as I order my drink laughter fills my ears at such an intensity it feels alien. Turning around I feel aware of how small I am, insignificant against three tall guys, all well dressed whilst I appear as a hobbit who just crawled out of the shire. The one who towered me with golden curls and kind hazel eyes smiled half heartedly to me, “Caffeine eh? What could we do without it.” He chuckled as he lent against the glass case of pastries, rubbing the smudge with the edge of his grey sleeve.

“Probably die.” Giving him a small smile I felt tension build as he glanced back to his two friends who merely shrugged their shoulders. “It was a joke.” I laughed lightly, the uncomfortable atmosphere spreading drastically. Picking up my drink the barista smiled to me, mumbling how she got the joke and then I walked off, back to my shire where social interactions remain minimalistic.

The three of them soon left and I let out a sigh of relief, as the door closed the tension wafted with them and continued down the road towards the small beach that is rarely used or known of due to its remoteness. Living here isn’t isolating, it just means leading a quieter life as opposed to the named cities like London or Brighton. Here we can live, get on in our small corner of the hectic lives of others.

After typing away and rewording paragraphs for a few hours I zone back into my surroundings, now only me and two others occupy the space. Standing up I quietly walk out, feeling like a student at the end of an exam again as if I were making a mistake or doing something wrong. Quietly I said goodbye as the door closed, more so speaking to the door hoping for a response as I kept my laptop in hand and headed towards the beach for fresh air and inspiration.

Nearing the beach the rays of light that were casting over the remains of the pier are clouded, grey fills in the gaps of the blue, shutting out the sunlight we all craved now and then. Sighing I continued towards the beach, I didn’t mind the lack of sunshine, I just needed a different surrounding where I could be alone, truly alone. Placing my laptop down on the rocks I climb down to the sand, removing my boots and allow myself the sensation of sand between my toes, how it wriggles and tickles all at once.

Sitting down I place my hands behind me, and turn my head up as if I were in Spain where the sun shined without fail. Instead I’m here, on a below average beach with the remains of a once beautiful pier. Shame really, they never tried to rebuild it after it burnt to the ground leaving behind the info structure.

As I relax I focus on the sounds of the waves, ignoring the constant thoughts of my book, my life, even him. It’s been three years since I saw him last, a mere message two months ago. No matter how much I tell myself it doesn’t matter the pain still stands; internal, rather than external. No one can see the pain, how I wish I could hold his hand, spend one more night with him. All I do now is channel my pain into my writing, it’s all I have left.

The sounds of the waves were interrupted as I heard shouts of actions to my left. Opening my eyes and sitting upright I turned my head to see almost a small army of people with filming crew. Maybe my ten minutes of fame were coming sooner than I anticipated. Various members departed, spreading out revealing four indistinct figures running, then walking and slowly pacing to these cameras. Faintly I could hear music playing and I saw a few of them glance my way. Conscious of my own presence I tried to busy myself my building a sand mount, one that struggled to form.

Looking back the army concealed the four people and I saw someone clenching papers run towards me. Quick to stand I held my laptop close to my chest, defensive as always. The man stopped before me, panting and held his papers up high whilst he bent over to catch his own breath. “Sorry Ma’am. We’ll need you to go further up the beach. We’re filming today in this location and can’t risk interference.” Speaking in a hurry I remained quiet until he finished and allowed his rush of words to process.

“No problem. Can I ask what you’re filming?” Curious I held my laptop closer yet I bit my lip and overlooked the man to the film crew in the distance. He ruffled his papers loudly taking my attention away from the scene.

“’Fraid not. Can’t risk it these days. We can never know who is watching.” With that he hurried off, almost waddling to reach the rest of the crew.

Defeated I treaded back up to the rocks, most of which were stained with alga or remains of sand etched in any crooks they could find. Pulling my sleeves down I sat down, cross legged and played my music, shutting out the shouts of directions from the crew near by. I kept my eyes closed, and tried to envision myself in the sunshine, “AND CUT.” My eyes shot open as someone exclaimed and I dropped my phone, my earphones being pulled out with force.

Lifting my head the crew departed in the same direction, leaving the four figures exposed clearly. I felt my breath get hitched in my throat as one stood out from the others, squinting I tried to make him out but it was no use. Shaking the thought from my mind it lingered internally, the goose bumps I felt, the rapid beating of my heart followed by that same sense of disappointment, a feeling I know all too well. Putting my earphones back in I close my eyes again, resuming my peace but feel something gnawing away at me to look again. If I look again I’ll be certain, then I can go with my mind at rest rather than always wondering what if.

Opening my left eye the four figures were closer, close enough to have a clear perception of them. The coffee guy, he was one of them. He was stood with the other two, the ones who spoke via facial expressions. My eyes tried to avoid him, the fear evident as I felt my hands begin to shake.

“It might not be him. It’s just a coincidence. Like he’d even notice you here, it’s been three years.” I muttered to myself, attempting to convince my heart that the brain didn’t need reassurance. “Fuck it.”

Staring towards them I analysed every detail that I could make out, and as a result I couldn’t take my eyes off of him. Blonde hair, grown out rather than styled. The lip ring that was always icy cold removed, exposing the sweet smile that gave me butterflies then and now angry wasps. He looked different. My mind struggled to comprehend as it screamed for me to turn my head, stop looking so creepy.

Coffee guy nudged him, I could see it happening in slow motion. He turned his head, his eyes focusing on me. His expression changed, his whole body shifted to see little ol’ me. He opened his mouth, I couldn’t face his words, not now. Standing up I pulled on my sleeves, hiding the shakes as I grabbed my laptop, the case decorated with light raindrops.

Around my feet the rocks were slowly turning darker, the discolouration beginning. The sound of the rain becoming intense, my hair was already clinging to my head. I couldn’t face him anymore, so like anyone would do I walked away.

*

The pattering of the rain became louder, I hear squeals from children with their parents or relatives as they hurry on by with their hands full of bags that dig deep into their palms. They each wear that sense of urgency and pain etched into their expressions as if it were an acquaintance. Then, you can see those who simply are past caring, the ones who wrap their arms around themselves and are plugged in, shutting the world out including the weather. In this moment all I can think of is some form of shelter, my car is parked too far away and I’d rather wait until the rain eases at this point.

Sighing I see shops closing up, their hanging signs being reeled in leaving me with few options. Desperately looking around I spot an empty bus shelter, running over I wrap my arms around myself, craving the warmth I have in my car with the eating, in the café hen I’m writing, at home in bed, anywhere but here.

Leaning against the clear plastic the pattering intensified, the rain droplets running in and out of sync with each other as they distorted my view past the shelter. Figures still passed by but here I felt still, as if life was on hold all over again. “Deja vu much?” Jumping I turned to see that smile that stung my heart, and slowly spreads poison through my body.

He kept that smile, it didn’t falter even as I blankly stared at him. His smile said one thing whilst his eyes spoke a thousand different words, those light sunny day blue clouded much like the sky as the storm approached. “So I was right then.” I sat down on the so called bench whilst he remained stood upright, hiss demeanour seeming more enticing than before.

“Depends what you want to be right about.” He sighed as he sat down on the far end of the bench., merely raising an eyebrow to me.

Pulling on the sleeves of my jumper again I rested my head against the cold plastic. “About you being here. About you knowing it was me. Just, why now? And I’m not trying to make it out as if the entire world revolves around me as that’s bullshit.” I heard a chocked laugh coming from him as he remained hunched over, analysing my every move.

He edged closer, ever so slightly. “Well, this place has memories. Good and bad. I thought that it would be fitting for our music video.”

My ears perked up, “Wait, so you actually did it?” It sounded too harsh, the unintentional sarcasm that dripped heavily in my words.

“Yeah, yeah we did.” He chuckled half heartedly. “I guess you are one of the reasons why.” A light pang threw me off as guilt rushed my system, I knew what was coming.

“How could I live with myself knowing I made you miss your chance? Besides, it was only a few dates. Nothing too serious.” I felt my teeth gritting, I was lying to myself and him. We both knew it. It was always so much more.

“Guess so.” He shrugged his shoulders. “How are things with you then, the writing going well?” I groaned internally the small talk phase. Something I have not had the audacity to witness in months but now I am experiencing it first hand. I can feel the awkward tension rising as the intensity of the rain increases around us, as the shrills of people decrease.

“I’m getting my novel published. About six weeks of editing to go.” I focus on my feet, the sand that has griped onto my bots, scuffing the leather. “All a bit surreal don’t you think?” Glancing towards him I saw him nod, deep in thought. “In the moment when everything is busy, a blast from the past returns.”

“Are you referring to this moment?” He asked cautiously.

Turning to face him I shook my head, “I think you know what moment.” He lowered his head in shame. “That message really shocked me, Luke. You said how you regret breaking up with me, that you listed all the things we could’ve done or could’ve ben I didn’t need that, I was happy. Since then all I can do is reflect over it, over that version for us that’ll never be.” My voice got louder as the more I relived, the pain that I felt when I read that message at 4 in the morning and nothing after that.

“It wasn’t like that. Part of me wishes I had that second chance, that we could’ve had something.” He moved closer, reaching his hand out but I stood up not letting him have the mere opportunity. “Is, is that the hoodie?” He spoke with a questionable tone.

Looking down at the old hoodie I was wearing I felt my cheeks heating up lightly, “Of all the days I had to throw this old thing on.” I rolled my eyes and I heard a light laugh. “Well I guess we can match, just like the first time we met.” He stood up and walked towards me.

It all felt too real. The memories of the day we first met, going home and speaking to him. Our first date to the last, saying goodbye and slamming the door. He lifted his hand up as I did, the tension and sparks colliding at a dramatic rate. “We shouldn’t.” I muttered.

“We couldn’t.” He whispered as his lips neared mine.

His arms snaked around my waist, pulling me closer to him, the same moves as he did three years ago and still able to make those wasps retreat and be replaced by butterflies. “Luke, just-” I was never good at telling him things straight when we became intertwined.

Sparks diminish, it was more of an old flame flashing for the last time before it is replaced by the wisps of smoke that elegantly float up into the atmosphere, becoming one with the oxygen. That is how it felt, like we were becoming something new, another one.

“I think your bus is due.” I mumbled as I pulled away, rubbing my lips together as I pull on the sleeves of my jumper, a bad habit I struggle to shake.

He smiles in response, shaking his head. “They’ll probably wonder where I am by now.” Sticking his head outside and quickly rewinds back in, shaking his hair like a dogs thick coat. “But, what’s ten more minutes.”

“Luke, I don’t want to, I can’t be a ten minute break.” Holding my hands against his chest I avoid his gaze.

Problem with becoming one with the atmosphere is that we disappear, become unrecognised.

“What we have is something. Maybe it’ll take time but there is always some blue sky after a rainy day.” He muttered as he glanced up, the sky still remaining cloudy, if anything the clouds turning darker.

Struggling to hold my gaze with him I take a step outside from my form of shelter, immediately wishing I had waited until the rain had eased as it pelts down with such a velocity it feels like sharp daggers hitting my shoulders. Standing there I look up to the sky, closing my eyes and letting the sting hit after hit, somehow I feel free.

A light touch to my fingertips makes me snap out of my daze, looking down Luke is holding my hand, like old times. In the other my laptop securely protected. His hand remains tightly connected with mine despite the rain seeping through our fingers making them less secure together, something I was always secretly afraid of. “Together, I’m not wasting another chance.” He smiled with such assurance it felt as if I were 18 again, the 19 year old Luke with such great ambitions for someone hanging in a bus shelter.

I began to shiver as we remained still, exposed under the grey sky. “Okay.” I nodded and stepped down from the pavement, landing in a puddle and feeling the water seep through my jeans. “Typical.” I laughed and Luke soon joined.

We quickly walked down the open streets, past the closed shops and abandoned roads. I wasn’t going to let go, not now. I’d finally gotten my second chance, something that I never considered lucky enough to have. Three years can put a lot in perspective. People change, they grow (considerably) and become someone else. I can say whole heartedly that I think I know who that is now, with our without Luke by my side.