#Idk it just makes me sooo angry how hes like well liked in the alex g community when ik hes evil but idk maybe thats not my business

[girlwithfish]

finished therapy its just me ranting for 50min LOL

[kevinexyqueen]

An fanfic where Neil starded working for the Hatfords after his mom died but he is already dating Andrew and join the foxes anyway

so, andrew and neil meet in juvie when neil was like 14

he stayed there for 3 or 4months while his mother worked some things out

and there he bonded with andrew, told him some trues (he was 14 he was not thar good at keeping secrets yet) , they make a deal, a lot of drama etc etc

and then he has to break out from the place and andrew is like

" i'm going with you"

"no, you're not"

"yes, i am"

andrew can be fucking stubborn so yeah he goes with neil

(he already knows about aaron is a way to put more distance between them)

mary is pissed off, but andrew knows to much and she was not about to kill him

and she sees the way that andrew protect neil so in the end andrew stays with them

is not like someone will put real effort in looking for a foster kid

so she shows andrew how to use a knife (I think she didn't stop teaching neil, is a too valuable habilit)

and also a gun, and i have a headcanon that Andrew is just awful with it, and neil loves to make fun of him

anyway, they protect each other, kill some people, fall in love, learns russian, spar together, normal teenager stuffs

mary does not know, andrew doesn't like her but he doesn't kill her because he knows she is the only reason neil is still alive

they started dating after a year since they meet, so neil was 15 and andrew 16

idk neils/nathaniels age makes me confuse

also, andrew convinces neil to play exy without she knowing

(btw i forgot to mention neil was stefan when thet meet and alex when seattle happens)

and well like a just said Seattle happens

and after that neil can't just keep running, he won't be responsible for Andrew death as well

sooo, yep he calls stuart

Stuart tells them all the moriyamas bullshit, etc etc

they go to the FBI, neils is officially neil abraam josten, Andrew becames andrew minyard etc

after that andrew goes to live with aaron and Neil goes to england, it was safer that way for both of them

STUART KILLS NATHAN/LOLA YEAHH

continuing, they keep dating, long distance and all, andrew goes to england every month at least and do little jobs for neil's family

neil only do some translation works and he is pretty good at making deals (the irony) so he deals with a lot of other mobs family's and is like a lot people think he should become head of the family but that's a long history

anyway, all the canon shit with Andrew happens the same way, Tilda, Nicky, he turning down the ravens and he join the foxes

but he has some Hatford people watching over him so he doesn't beat all those man alone and doesn't take his meds (just needs to see a therapist for a couple of years)

even with all the Mafia shit neil still plays exy and he is better than he is in canon since he have been practicing with andrew for a few years (and also he spars with andrew so hr is a wayyyy better fighter and he also uses the knifes cause of andrew insistence and again all the mafia shit)

anyway, the Hatfords know about them but Andrew's family/the foxes (same thing, no?) doesn't

they come with a plan to take down the moriyamas and i have that in my head but don't know how to explain

but neils deals with a lot of mafia family's right? so like if the moriyamas kill him the Hatfords and idk the chinese as well will take revenge, and the moriyamas would loose since they are dealing with a war in japan and kengo is in hospital, nathan is dead etc etc

so, too much trouble to kill neil, so neil makes a peace offer with ichirou that while he is in the eau he won't kill him or the other foxes

so like, if rikos touches them he will be carving his own grave, and thats the whole point, cause Kevin's hand proven that riko's doesn't have any self control so the fucking plan is making riko angry

and we all know how good neil is at this, andrew is not happy

so yeah, neil needs to join some exy team and of course he will join the foxes because his bf right

NOW EVERYONE FINDING OUT ABOUT NEIL

because like, they are together for years, and not as much hurt as they are in canon, they didn't feel the need to tell anyone but they also doesn't care to hide and yes they hold hand in public and things like this

now neil only come on the same day the upperclassmen return cause there was no need for him to come early

so, like a hour before the reunion in the lounge andrew is like hey everybody in the car now or you're walking

and everyone is like ???? especially when andrew makes kevin go in the backseat

and he goes to the airport and nobody understands nothing, until neil comes

and he just completely ignores everyone im the backseat (yes even Kevin) and looks at andrew >that way< and andrew is a man in love, so he leans and gives neil a quick kiss and neil smiles at him and with a fucking soft voice says "hey baby"

andrew did not blush

anyway they started driving and andrew has his hand on neils leg and aaron, nicky and kevin are just fucking shook, they have no reaction at all, no words nothing because WTF

so when neils turns and says "hey guys, i'm neil" and is meet with three shocked faces staring at him he is trying so hard not to laugh and just goes "are you all okay"

nicky's is the first to recover and well... nicky... "ANDREW, WTF, YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND, WHY DIDN'T U TOLD US, WHAT ABOUT REENE, WHAT"

andrew ignores him and turns on the radio, neil lights a cigarette and they start talking in russian

aaron doesn't say a word

anyway, neils fly was a little late so they're the last ones at the stadium

so when they enter the lounge and andrew is waking with some scary dude (because yeah neil can be pretty and scary) and when they sit in the sofa with thights to shoulders touching everyone is like what the fucking hell

aaron and nicky find some other place to sit, neil does some remark and they start talking in russian and yeah they don't know if they should ignore or no

until dan breaks the spell by asking since when andrew speaking russian and andrew just look at her completely bored until neil answers her

after that wymack (which as always is so fucking done) asks if they have some more languages to show off or if they could start

they both deadpan "yes there is" but are ignored

anyway during the reunion some try to ask questions but wymack stops them and neil and andrew just glare at the person and that's enough to make they shut up

until Aaron makes some shitty remark about both of them in german and neil goes to protective mood and roast aaron in the same language

nicky has to stop aaron from punching Neil (and andrew won the bet he made with Stuart about someone trying to punch neil before neil punches someone

and again wymack is so done

and then they break the news about the ravens coming south

which andrew and neil already know because Hatfords

andrew is still pissed off at kevin

and then neils says (on purpose) something about the moriyamas and everyone is staring at him like????

and the he just smile a little >that smile< and says "you really don't remember me kevin"

he wasn't wearing contacts or anything like that so Kevin's recognizes him

it's caos

but i'm to tired to keep writing sorry

[stonerbughead]

maria watches friday night lights (#3)

I’ve been warned that S2 is the worst and already I’m:

Julie, are you good?? Why you straying from our young Matt Saracen??

-Something about born-again Lyla flirting with Riggins via aggressive banter in the parking lot works for me.

-oh really, Buddy? is Lyla’s mom’s new bf gonna make the Garrity children into “communists?” Because I’m on that guy’s team if so 😂

-“I’m not wearing shoes, dad” - Julie leaving the house for the night?? Yeah you can’t do that where I grew up lmao

-oh come on Julie you’re going to a MUSIC VENUE without shoes on?? What?! Also for this guy who has Early 2000s Fuckboy written all over him? Smh girl

-“well...does she want you to touch her?” -Matt Saracen teaching Landry about CONSENT this is my BOY. Julie what are you DOING

-omg and Early 2000s Fuckboy has a girlfriend too...Julie, girl, WHAT IS YOU DOING

-okay wow this Tyra’s attacker plotline really just escalated quickly!

“Justin Timberlake, Antoine. Hope it was worth it.”

“Buddy Garrity Motors is wholesome.” Uh, sure, you keep telling yourself that, Buddy.

-omg Grandma Saracen’s in-home nurse is Anna from season 2 of one tree hill. (Early bisexual rep!) And oh god I do not appreciate the very obvious implication that this is a new love interest for Matt Saracen and I am sooo over adult love interests for teenage boys! it’s predatory and fucked up. and as we know from Archie/Grundy in S1, showrunners are still doin it.

-this scene where Jason tells Tami he had a dream where she told him he could walk again and then he made a fist the next morning? I get that Tami was going through a lot as a new mom without Eric so it landed for her but from the Jason POV...bruh what?

“You think all human beings are capable of evil?” - Landry to his rally girl I am dead and still horrified by the entire concept of rally girls on the second season

-Julie wtf you kissing another guy before you even break up with Matt? Messy!

-Wowww this abusive new coach is everything that’s wrong with football culture huh??

-Wow Evil Coach is also ableist! He just referred to Jason Street as a “team mascot.”

-YIKES @ Jason thinking this Mexican experimental surgery is gonna make him walk again. Riggins ya gotta stop your friend.

“It’s some kind of experiment where they inject him with shark blood, Lyla” LMAO riggins

-Matt Saracen is SO CUTE OMG the fact that he just asked TAMI, of all people, her opinion on whether Matt hanging out with Julie after she dumped him makes him a “chump.” 😭😂

“Looky here, it’s Brett Weston starting as quarterback!” LMAO Bret is haunting me here too

-what is this weird Lyla/Tim/Jason in Mexico scene where she dances with and kisses each of them while they’re all drinking together. Then she goes, “I have to pray.” WHAT???

-like wow the parallels between both Riverdale and FNL season 2 going off the rails after a much-tighter season 1 is WILD. I mean Jason fell off a boat this episode in Mexico and I almost forgot about it!

-this Santiago plotline is nonsensical and convoluted to me. Do the Garritys have a white savior complex or what

-Awww Tyra being there for Julie! Going to eat ice cream and watch thelma and Louise. It’s totally julie’s fault that she lost Matt, don’t get me wrong, but still rough having to see your ex making out with someone else!

-Idk if I’ll regret saying this bc it’s only her first scene but I love this angry ass volleyball coach fighting for her girls against a bloated football program! But lol oops Eric Taylor guess being an athletic director won’t be so fun after all

-alright y’all 2x07 and yesss Julian from one tree hill is on the scene as a teacher?! I was such a Brulian fan alsooo this actor was a Mary Kate and Ashley love interest in holiday in the sun. Amazing. Sometimes I truly miss the early 2000s.

-And then five seconds later Alex from one tree hill shows up as Smash’s love interest? Ooh boy!

“But where does the money go? How does it get distributed? Do all the sports get equal levels of funding?” -Julie, investigative journalist? Her dad is not gonna be happy but I love it and so does Julian/Hot Teacher.

-god saracen’s new girlfriend is annoying af and I’m not just saying that. She has to be irritating on purpose right? And all the unnecessary PDA, like chill.

-I like a Lyla and Tyra team up...even if it’s conceived by Tami lol.

“Three angry paragraphs about rally girls” I’m sorry did I write julie’s newspaper article?

-Smash’s mom being like, ‘I am worried my son will be hurt by football.’ I mean, yeah. CTE is real.

-ugh please don’t let Julian Hot Teacher be a predator but after all it’s an early 2000s teen drama, it’s like a 50-50 chance

“This is the first real bed I’ve ever had” -Santiago to Buddy Garrity. Ok this white savior plotline is getting a little OD, lord.

Alrighty, I made it through the first seven episodes! It’s no season 1 but I’m plowing through bc I feel like everyone is like “LOVE that show. But Season 2 sucks.” So I will persevere!

[hockeytrashgoblin]

A Tuch of your love ~Alex Tuch

A/N: Hi! so here’s an Alex Tuch imagine. I’m not sure how I feel about it but I get anxious with all my writing so I’m going to post it anyway. I’ve been doing research to try and find how people act so I’ll probably write another one when I know more about how he is as a person and how I can make him into a character also. Also the title is a song name but instead of touch it’s Tuch...Idk I thought of it and couldn’t make it go away so it is what it is and I hope you enjoy.

“Hey good lookin’ what’s cookin’?” I rolled my eyes as I stepped past him into the house.

“How was the filming of the ‘castle’?” I asked Alex puting air quotes on castle. I took off my coat and hung it up by the front door before kicking my shoes off.

“Hey, don’t insult my house.”

“Come on, this isn’t a castle and you know it. You wouldn’t be sleeping in a closet if it was.” I said making him laugh as we walked upstairs to his gaming room.

“Touche.” 

“So what are the plans for today Tuch?”

“I have no plans.”

“You invited me over for no reason?” I asked suspicious of my friend.

“Well I mean I wanted company but I didn’t plan anything to do.”

“Classic.” I said falling back onto the futon.

“We could order food and watch a movie?”

“Unoriginal.”

“Ya know what..” he said letting out a laugh. “You’re a nuisance today.”

“I am not!”

“Pick a movie, you brat.” he said with a big smile. “I’m going to go get snacks.”

“Okay. Bring me a blanket too?”

“God you’re so needy.” he said playfully rolling his eyes.

“Shut up you love me.”

“For some unknown reason.” 

“Rude!” I yelled after he left the room, hearing him laugh which made me smile. I really had the biggest crush on Alex. I’d been friends with him since we were teenagers. Our 10th grade english teacher paired us up for a big group project to give him a better chance at getting a good grade. I had already had a crush on him at that point and I figured it would go away but it never did. The big shot hockey player has had my heart for years. He was so goofy and almost flirty with everyone though so it was really hard for me to navigate what was going on so I just never did anything about it. 

“Hey space cadet.” Alex yelled throwing the blanket at my head, breaking me out of my thoughts.

“Asshole.” I mumbled making him laugh again. 

“What’s got you so zoned out?”

“Dumb boys.”

“Oh? Is there finally a boy in (Y/N) life?”

“God no.”

“You’ve never had a boyfriend. You’re like 23 and still single.”

“And your point?”

“Why?”

“Maybe I have my eye on someone.”

“Well what’s taking so long then?”

“He’s super not interested.”

“How do you know?”

“Well it’s been years and nothing sooo that’s pretty clear to me.” I sighed and pushed his shoulder. “Hey why are we talking about this where are my snacks?”

“Here you little gremlin.” he said throwing a bag of Doritos at me.

“Thank you.” I said with a sweet smile.

“Don’t look at me all sweet and innocent like that.” he laughed. “I know better than anyone that you are not either of those things.”

“Um wooow. I am sweet I’ll have you know. Just not to you. Because you don’t deserve it.”

“Brutal.” Shea said laughing in the doorway.

“Shea! Come watch a movie with us?” 

“No this was our hangout time.” Alex said pouting.

“Nonsense Alex, be nice. Come watch with us.”

“If the pretty girl says so.” he said shrugging coming in and sitting on the other side of me.

“Don’t call her that.” Alex said rolling his eyes.

“What are you trying to say there Tuch?” I asked raising an eyebrow at him.

“That isn’t what I meant. Can we just watch the movie please?”

“Okay..” I said quietly pushing play. Alex got off of the futon and turned the lights off before coming back and sitting closer to me. I unfolded the blanket Alex brought me and curled up in it. At least I tried before both boys took an edge and got under the blankets too. “I’m not very cozy anymore.”

“Well sorry, princess.” Alex said sarcastically.

“Come here.” Shea said putting an arm around me. I rested my head against his shoulder as the movie continued. I heard Alex scoff but he just let it be. Half-way into our second movie Shea got up claiming he had to go do something. Almost as soon as Shea left the room Alex scooted closer to me and pulled my body back into his.

“Alex what are you doing?”

“Shea left. Someone has to hold the baby.” he said trying to make a joke out of it.

“But you don’t like touchi-”

“(Y/N) if I didn’t want to touch you I wouldn’t be. Simple as that.” he said interrupting me and pulling me closer.

“If you’re sure..” 

“I am.”

“Okay.” I said quietly pulling the arm that was resting on my hip around me so his hand was up by my head. Doing that made us get into more of a spooning position and I was fine with that. It felt really nice to just be with him in that way. We were quiet for a minute just watching the movie until Alex cuddled more into me and broke the silence.

“I can’t help but notice that this is very different to what you were doing with Shea.”

“Is it a problem?” I asked trying to move away.

“No.” he whined pulling me back. “I was just pointing out that it was different.”

“Shea’s like a brother to me.”

“What and I’m not?”

“Absolutely not.” I said too quick. “I mean yes.”

“No, no, no you don’t just get to back track like that.” he said rolling me over so he could see me. “What do you mean I’m not like a brother to you?”

“I um..I just don’t see you as a brother that’s all.”

“Why not?” he demanded.

“Don’t raise your voice at me like that.” I said quietly.

“I’m not raising my voice, I just want to know why I’m not a brother to you.”

“Alex just leave it please? I really don’t feel like talking about it.”

“How am I just supposed to leave it and ignore that?” 

“Alex..”

“All I’ve ever tried to do is make you feel safe and happy and have you know that you’ve always got someone around who cares about you a lot. I just don’t understand.”

“You do all of those things. Every single one of them and more.”

“Then why is Shea someone you consider to be so close to you and I’m not?” he yelled standing up.

“Listen up Tuch. You mean more to me than Shea does. You both mean something to me in very different ways.” I tried to explain getting mad.

“Then what way am I important? Hmm? Because I don’t feel very important tonight.”

“For fuck sakes Alex, I don’t see you as a brother because I’m in love with you, you dumbass. It’d be kinda weird to be in love with someone you thought of as your brother.” I didn’t realize what I said until it was too late and I just shut my mouth and looked down away from his face. Which was probably for the best honestly since he just left the room. I panicked and went downstairs to get my stuff and get out of there as fast as I could but I was stopped by a pair of very large arms.

“(Y/N) you can’t go yet.” Shea said while I was struggling to break free.

“Shea you don’t understand. I just embarrassed myself more than I ever have in my life I need to leave.” 

“You can’t leave right now.”

“Yes I can.”

“Not until this is fixed.”

“Does he want to talk to me Shea?”

“Well I mean-”

“Does he want to talk to me?”

“I don’t think so.”

“Then I will be leaving.”

“I don’t think he wants that either.”

“Shea this is what he does. I’ve watched him do this for years. He gets admissions from people he doesn’t want them from and he never fucking speaks to them again. He just disappears. This isn’t going to be any different.”

“(Y/N) this doesn’t make sense, please just stay and try to deal with this.” he let me go and when he did, I ran. Once I was outside I just sat down angry at myself. I kicked over a flower pot but then quickly picking it back up and fixing the flowers. Soon my anger towards myself became anger towards him. I hated the feeling I had. The anger powered me to go back into the house. Shea saw that I was on a mission and just nodded while moving out of my way. I opened the door to his room and found him lying on his bed.

“Can I fucking help you?” he asked taking his headphones out.

“Yeah. We’re fucking talking about this.” I said sitting down on the end of the bed. “I’m not leaving here until we do.”

“This is stupid.” he said rolling his eyes.

“Talk to me, asshole.”

“I don’t know what you want me to say. Sorry you have feelings?”

“You’re fucking stupid.” I said scoffing. 

“You had the right idea to just leave before.”

“Why? So you could just cut me off and never speak to me again in your life?”

“What no? Why would you say that?”

“I’ve watched you do it to sooo many girls. They speak up and you disappear. Never to be heard from again. The great fucking Houdini.”

“I wouldn’t do that to you. You’re my best friend.”

“An easy to lose one apparently.”

“You’d never be easy to lose, don’t fucking start.”

“But you’re willing to do it.” he was quiet and I knew I had him. “So that was just going to be it? Because I have a stupid crush on you, you were just going to pretend I never existed in your life? Why?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Too bad.”

“Why are you doing this?”

“I’m not letting you throw away 6 years of friendship because you don’t want to deal with feelings.”

“I don’t want to talk about feelings. I’ve never been about feelings and you know that.”

“Then just say that you don’t like me back so I can start to move on and this can just become some stupid joke that we laugh about while drunk at parties.” I said laying back on the bed. I needed a break from looking at him.

“I can’t tell you that.” he said making me sit straight back up.

“What? Why?” 

“Because it isn’t true.”

“Then what the fuck is all this for then?”

“I can’t be what you need me to be. You know how I am and who I am. I can’t be what you want me to be.”

“You have no idea who or what I want you to be. All you know is I have feelings for you.”

“I can’t be the perfect loving boyfriend you deserve to have.”

“Uh yeah I know.”

“Um wow rude.” he said cracking a small smile.

“The fact that you think I don’t know how you are and that I’m liking you blindly is fucking hilarious to me. I know you aren’t perfect, idiot.” I said smiling kicking his leg.

“Why would you bring it up now? It’s been so long.”

“I just got upset and it had been bubbling to the surface for a while now. I would’ve been content just sitting around on these feelings and never letting them out but here we are.”

“Here we are.” he repeated. He was quiet for a minute before he added, “I don’t know what to do here.”

“Me neither. I always thought you would react bad but I never thought you wouldn’t be able to tell me it was one sided. I don’t know what to do with that honestly.”

“I didn’t think you’d ever have feelings for me knowing me as well as you do.”

“You’re not that bad of a person to know.” I said rolling my eyes.

“I have a bad temper, I don’t trust easily, I overreact all the time.”

“Trust me I know all of these things.” I rolled my eyes and crawled up the bed to sit beside him. “But you trust me already so there’s that.”

“I guess there is that. But trusting you as a friend and trusting you as something more are two different things.”

“But why? Just leave things how they are but more.”

“What do you mean?” he asked bumping his leg with mine.

“I mean treat me like you always have just with like, touching and stuff.”

“Wouldn’t that just be friends with benefits then?”

“If that’s what you wanted it to be I guess.”

“I don’t want that.”

“Ouch okay.” I said laughing.

“I didn’t mean that I don’t want to fuck you.” he said bluntly sighing making me burst out into laughter. “What is so funny?”

“Just the way you said it. I’m sorry. What were you saying, Tuch?”

“I was just saying that you deserve better than friends with benefits.”

“Then be better than friends with benefits.” I said shrugging and looking at him.

“I don’t know how.” he said quietly. “I’ve only ever had friends with benefits.”

“Then let’s figure it out together, Alex.” I said putting my hand to the back of his head. He closed his eyes and I gave him lots of time to pull away before I closed the distance and pressed my lips to his. He kissed back right away and it was intense to say the least. He licked my bottom lip asking for entrance almost immediately and when I let him in he really destroyed any ability I had to come up with a coherent thought. It really felt like I had been hit by a train. I felt the kiss in my entire body and when he pulled away I whined making him laugh and me blush.

“Needy.” he said brushing his thumb against my bottom lip with a smile.

“God everyone knows I’m needy, Tuch. You’re not original.” 

“My needy girl?” he asked softly.

“Yeah.”

“(Y/N) I’m really not good at this. It’s hard for me to let my guard down and I shut people out in these kinds of situations. I don’t want you to get into something you weren’t expecting and then leave me.”

“I’m not going anywhere. You’re not nearly as hard to love as you think you are.” I said hugging him.

“I’m willing to give us a shot if it’s what you really think you want.”

“It’s what I really know I want Alex.”

“I’m just so afraid you’re going to see me in a light that you don’t like.” he said resting his head on top of mine.

“I’ve seen you in every light. There’s nothing there that’s going to make me want to leave you. Let me prove it to you that not everyone is just trying to leave.”

“Okay.”

“Let’s just give it a try. That’s all I’m asking. We both have feelings, we might as well give it a shot. We kind of owe it to ourselves.”

“You’ve got a point.” I he smiling and pulling back to give me another kiss. “Plus turns out I really like doing that.”

“Me too.”

“This is the most you’ve ever agreed with me in one sitting. The baby just needed attention to cooperate is that it?”

“God shut up, asshole.” I said laughing before pressing another kiss to his lips.

[mitchcantfigureitout]

Things have to fall apart before they can fall into place.

Look, I complain a lot...I feel intensely and I think so much. As if this fucking pandemic wasn’t enough, my dad has a tumor in his brain. 4.5x5x5 cm. This year my dad lost his two jobs, fell into a depression, sold his truck and developed a tumor. Could 2020 get any better? I can’t see him in person thanks to fucking Covid 19. I can’t visit him. I can only facetime him and call him. This is absolutely the worst.

 In the middle of my finals, I cannot concentrate. I can’t help while he is at the hospital. I feel so helpless. I feel useless. I don’t know anything about tumors, let alone cancer. I just want him to be healthy and back at home with me and my mom. I can’t imagine a world where either my parents don’t exist. It doesn’t make sense to me. I’m so agitated. I don’t have any appetite, I don’t have a lot of motivation. Before this, I literately wanted to just no exist for a while and now ...

My mom is in critical conditions also. She can’t see clearly. All I want is to make my parents happy. They mean the world to me. She’s diabetic, high cholesterol and high blood pressure and he’s only ever gotten colds and now a tumor? a fucking tumor. that has been growing for who knows how long and for what reason? he works nonstop and doesn’t take any days off. He’s nice to other people and considerate. Has the biggest smile and heart and gets on my nerves sometimes but nonetheless he’s been present in all of my life. 

Mom, too, has dragged us all out of the dirt. Been our rock while she’s crumbling herself. I feel so helpless. I wish I could cure their diseases. They don’t deserve it. They deserve better. I’ve been selfish in life but they always bring me around. Mom especially, she’s always been realistic and dad has always been hopeful and now he’s scared and mom is anxious and I’m depressed. 

I’ve contacted the people that make me feel the most safe -

Sophia, Philip, Rosie, Jannet (Daniel’s mom), Alex and Michael, and I wish I could tell Daniel but he’s away at basic and about to graduate and I miss the fuck out of all these people and can’t see them or MY DAD because of this fucking pandemic. We don’t even have covid and it is still affecting us. I just don’t get it.

We told some family members  - my Madrinas Chayo and Marissa, my tio Guillo and Carmen, Esperanza and Lourdes.  Family we can trust.

I keep telling myself that tomorrow will be another day, and that’s been helpful but now more than ever, I need to be strong and balanced and to be in control of my emotions. I want to get so angry and let the frustration out but I don’t even know where to begin. My deep concern and anxiety don’t let me sleep. 

We had an earthquake last night - 3.3 magnitude another one of like 2ish something aftershock around 2;40ish pm today (Saturday May 3rd). Too many things occuring at the same time and it is frankly so hard to keep track. 

I called After Hours Caps today and the lady who talked to me told me to journal and to take it one portion/moment at a time. Which is sooo hard for me. I’ve always been so bad with changes and this change is such a big one. I’ve never imagined my dad sick and this is such a hard challenge on me and my mom. 

Looking back at my dad, his head has been hurting for i don’t remember how long. He would take pills and it would kind of go away but it never left. His car accident was April 16, 2019, one year ago and his case just closed and he lost his other car and idk things just keep happening and yeah, I get it - everything happens for a reason but why??? I need answers. I-I- hate all of this. I hate that my mom is sick and has to continue to work so she can have her medical bills paid for. I hate that my dad lost his truck and hasn’t been able to buy a new car when he deserves it. I hate that I haven’t been able to help them. I hate that they argue about little things and that it makes me anxious and that I even have anxiety in the first place. I hate that I don’t have a regular therapist I can talk to. I hate having burdens or being a burden to others. 

I just want to walk up from this horrible nightmare that my mom and I are living. I understand not everything in life is picture perfect but I can’t remember the last time I felt happiness for a long time. I can’t find that emotion in me. I don’t know if it’s this stupid bar inside my arm that keeps my hormones all stupid or if its the depression that I experience or what. I’m supposed to have a plan for what I want to do when I can’t even get through finals in this week? 

Everything happens for a reason? well, what the absolute fuck. I just want to wake up from this nightmare that I am living. To happier days. To better days where none of this is occuring. I miss being happy and looking at my parents also having a good time. I don’t want those memories to end. This is so fucking hard. I can’t even hug my friends and have them tell me everything is going to be alright. How can people go through this? Like this experience sucks ass. I don’t take any pleasure from any of this. It’s hard to look on the bright side when it keeps gets fogged by our reality. I am not okay. My mom is not okay. My dad is definitely not okay. And yet, everything is going to be okay? What. the. fuck?! 

I feel guilty, anxious, mad, sad, helpless, and even stupid. Like I should know better or something like that? Like this is all my fault somehow? I know its not but its easy to take the blame. I just want to point fingers to feel something. What. the absolute fuck. 

[survivorhogsmeade]

Episode #7: Little Ol Alex Tried To Play A Game That I Can Play So Much Better. -Anna

I LOVE this challege, I either do really good or really bad at it, once I WON this in something so I'm really hoping I can win it now, I live for this kind of challenge.  FINGERS CROSSED!!!

Flawless vote out. Not i gotta solve a word puzzle......... I am bad at words

After a long week I've decided to get voted out next tribal I'm too busy to do challenges but I'm still going on the jury

Okay, so Olivia just had a crazy idea. Kevin approached her and Elmo saying that he wanted to be voted out next.  But Olivia was like "hey what if we don't vote Kevin and vote Alex C and then get out 2 birds with one stone, cause Kevin may drop out or strike out". So crazy plan that might just work. Don't know if we are going to go through with it, still have people to talk to, but this might be the best move.

https://vocaroo.com/i/s0XxTJveWxHT

thoughts about kevin wanting to get voted out + what do i need to do

I’m sad that Kevin walked but I mean I should be happy that makes it easier for ME! Also Anna and I can’t  wait to see the Alex’s go after one another, heh heh JoannaI am bad at anagrams. This is what I have learned. So, not shocked, tbh. I can't see words in letters. 

I WON IMMUNITY! OMG I'm so happy, I worked pretty hard on this challenge because I find challenges like this really fun.. May I just say, my darling hosts I know people aren't giving you the effort you deserve BUT I am having sooo much fun playing this game. Every challenge I've enjoyed and have CHALLENGED me which I love, ya'll are a dream come true and 2 amazing people that I'm happy to call my friends after this game!! 

I'm just really proud of myself for winning this immunity because idk I always doubt myself with how "smart" I am and this was a puzzle challenge with letters and numbers and I usually lose those against someone "smarter" then me on Epicmafia. It's just really nice to try hard for something and win it!! I'm def patting myself on the back right now and I'm sooo elated that I won!!!!

this vote makes me uncomfortable

why did u leave kevin i miss u :(

stephen has to go

i want him to go 

but other ppl want alex c, that's fine too

but i'd rather have stephen gone!! 

im gonna pitch it with joanna tbh and see what happens

also create a 5 man alliance between ruthie, alex  s, myself, joanna and olivia

i do love a great majority (-:

Well I had a genius plan of not voting Kevin and voting alex c instead bc everyone would expect Kevin and then Kevin went ahead and quit anyways  after telling us all to vote him and somehow gets to stay on the jury so that plan is fucked. Ruthie, alex s, Joanna, Elmo, and myself are all voting together and that’s a majority right there. The problem is Anna because I don’t trust her but Joanna wants to and she so clearly wants to be trusted but I have a really bad feeling that if we tell her the plan she will run straight to the others and an idol will be played. 

https://vocaroo.com/i/s0jfnFvVjiiY

this conff is such a mess omg

Wtf Anna 

I am orchestrating this vote since everyone is being quiet and wishy washy. The names going around were Madison, Stephen and Alex C. So I took Alex C's name and ran with it. Everyone is on board and we will be splitting it 5-2, Elmo and Joanna will vote Madison and everyone else is on Alex C. Hopefully this works out!!!

Wtf Anna 

Anna in her big swively chair:

This is just too fucking easy look at all these sheeple muahhahahahahahhaha

https://vocaroo.com/i/s0kVWEqJenxO

THIS VOTE IS A MESS YALL

So I go to bed with having no ideas about what the vote would be, but a sneaking suspicion that Alex and Madison weren’t being decisive or smart enough to keep control of the game. And I was right. I wake up to Anna telling me she’s heard Madisons name, Alex Cs name, and even my name. We eventually agreed that we should be voting out Alex C, and then she talking about splitting votes and now thats ringing alarm bells. If she’s trying to get Alex C to vote Madison, how do I know this isn’t a ploy to get my to vote against my one chance of surviving. I was content to play loyally and with alliances but now Annas poked the bear (haha I managed to fit a quasi-gay joke into a dramatic confessional) and whether or not she is being legitimate I’m ready to do something...potentially game destroying.

Okay so I keep feeling bad for not being super active but then when I try to step up my game I realize no one responds or gives a single fuck about it either so like. I guess I feel a little better? But also no one else seems to have much of an excuse so like...go off I guess? 

I will recount the tale of the fall of Rainbow Rumpus Partytown: Anna betrayed the Madison Alex C and I by trying to vote someone out. I betrayed Anna by telling Alex C and Madison. Now Alex C has betrayed me and Madison by saying he’ll vote Madison to save his ass. Geez that was a lot of betrayal for one morning.

THE HECK IS GOING ON. I don't trust anyone they are all SUPER shady, I'm debating whether I should go search for the idol for fun or not. 

Listen I'm just getting home only to find that Anna is a lyin' bitch. Like she's acting like Madison's going home when I'm being told it 's 5-2-2 me. Like ??????? just because you have immunity doesn't mean your safe for 5 years hunny.

So now I gotta panic and that's just another stress to add on woo

So Alex C willed me the Marauders Map in case he doesn’t survive tribal. Which he won’t because I’m going to vote him out. Oops. But he said it was “worthless” but it lets me see how many alliances someone is in!!! That is so useful! And of course the first thing I did was look at Anna, and it said she is in only one alliance, meaning she isn’t backstabbing us as badly as I thought. I feel a lot better about voting Alex C out now than I did a few minutes ago. Thanks Alex!

Help me I can't stop my cracked side from coming out and it's killing me

Okay so somehow, the foursome finally managed to agree on finally targeting Alex C.  Even with having lost Kevin, we're doing okay.  And, even better, Joanna and Anna are on board.

So, uh...what if that didn't happen?

Here is the thing: I don't know if my ideal F7 includes the foursome and Anna/Joanna/Stephen.  Because I might be the biggest target there, and I don't want to go to the finals with two of Ruthie/Elmo/Olivia.  One, at best, preferrably.  But I also don't know if I have the votes right now at that 7 to do what I want.

So..what if I pulled in two votes from the two people on the outs?  Wouldn't be the first time I've done it.  But is it worth it?  Who knows!  We might find out, I honestly haven't decided and it's only an hour until tribal!

It’ll probably be me tonight because someone will play an idol on alex c rip

If they do I’m gonna be so angry 

GAAAA this is literally last minute but I just can't be the only one who flips, I'm sorry other Alex

If I thought anybody else would join me; Anna, Joanna, Ruthie, I'd do it in a heartbeat, but I'm too well set up to burn it all to the ground this early in the merge.

SOSOSOSSO, little ol Alex C tried to play a game that I can play so much better. We have that alliance still from swap Rosemerta and obv everyone is trying to get Alex C out so I was just giving them what they wanted and they basically baited me to say I'd vote Olivia. Alex C went to Olivia and told her I threw her name out, Stephen told me that he did that. I then went to Olivia and told her what really happened and hopefully worked that out with her.

ALEX C WHO U THINK U FUCKIN WITHHHHHHHH?!?!?!!?!? 

ALEX S. DON'T FAIL THE ALEXS I SWEAR

PLEASE ACTUALLY PULL OFF A 4-3-2 VOTE

IF THIS HAPPENS I WILL CRY TEARS OF HAPPINESS