#If I catch anyone trying to be homophobic or transphobic on this post I’m gonna ram your face into a blender

[the-pink-baphomet1861]

Alfred Ashford and queerness, an analysis 

So, Resident Evil Code Veronica. It’s a game that has the community split on whether it’s one of the best or one of the worst games in the series. I personally love it, but there is a point to be made that it does have quite a few flaws in how its story and gameplay was handled, and with the newer RE remakes that have all been widely praised by pretty much everyone (some more than others,) many people have been clamouring for Code Veronica to get a similar treatment to the others, giving it another chance to show off its potential.

In all of these discussions of a remake, one thing that I see as being ignored is the character of Alfred Ashford and his rather tragic story. In a nutshell, it is a story about a child who is born of a heinous eugenics experiment and is neglected by his father for not being born with what he was looking for, becoming obsessed with the only person who ever showed him any sort of affection, and eventually losing his mind after she leaves, developing a separate personality to cope, and becoming a monster. 

However, this is not what we see in game.

In game, Alfred is a walking queer stereotype who’s entire character is based around an incredibly transphobic reveal of him dressing as Alexia in her absence and being a source of horror not because of his circumstances, but because he was, *gasp*, dressing as a woman! How disgusting!

Now, I probably shouldn’t need to explain why this is a problem. It’s both incredibly transphobic and ableist and utterly destroys anything else that this character could say.

It’s also something that I’ve never really seen people talking about in any Code Veronica remake, only a few actually talk about this issue in a constructive way. Most are more along the lines of “Oh yeah, that’s a problem, capcom better do something about it.” Which isn’t really all that helpful considering the subject matter, but here’s the thing.

I believe that Alfred’s story can be reworked into something that doesn’t just get rid of these unfortunate implications, but turns them on their head to make it a story about queerness rather than discriminating against it.

First, the crossdressing isn’t the only place where you can put Alfred’s queerness on display. Consider: Alfred was neglected and ignored by his father for his lack of intelligence, sure, but what if that wasn’t the only thing. What if it was also because he began displaying some form of queer behaviour and, as part of a horrible eugenics conspiracy, didn’t take it too kindly, maybe even full on physical abuse against him for displaying it. This not only could emphasise why he latched onto Alexia like he did, but also show why he also displays such an obsession with the military as well, choosing a ‘masculine’ career in order to avoid more harassment from his father, but this doesn’t work because Alexander just doesn’t care. Alfred was born wrong and as such he has no love for his son, only scorn. It also makes their experiment on him not just horrific for what they're doing to him, but also triumphant for getting rid of his abuser, but this is not the end for this story.

Soon after, Alexia leaves in her cryostasis and Alfred is not only alone, but in a system that also hates him for existing. Umbrella is probably also just as queerphobic as Alexander, if not even more so, but they can’t just get rid of him due to his status in the company. So they stick him on Rockfort and keep him there in order to stop him from ruining their plans or reputation, which causes Alfred’s mind to shatter under the stress and isolation, leaving him a broken, monstrous wreck of a man.

(They also shouldn’t make Alfred any less of a villain due to this, in fact, having him be even more cruel and sadistic could also make his story even sadder.)

However, Alfred cannot exist in a metaphorical vacuum of queerness. In order for this to work and work well, the rest of the game must work to emphasise this theme with the other characters. Have Claire and Steve empathise with him not just due to his madness, but also because of what caused him to break in such a way, have Alexia’s love come from not just his praise, but also because he’s the only person who truly understands her. Have all the other Umbrella employees look down on him and hate him for it. If Capcom wants Alfred’s story to work, then queerness has to be up there in this game’s themes along with ‘family bonds’ and ‘shooting zombies and big monsters in the face’

In conclusion, I believe that the only way to make Code Veronica’s story not queerphobic besides just cutting it (which would be boring,) is to make it about queerness rather than treating it like it’s disgusting and unnatural. Besides, if done well, then Code Veronica could go down as one of the best stories in gaming.

[metalbatandzenko]

About me taking breaks from this blog

Hey everyone!

You might have noticed that I’ve been taking intermittent breaks from this blog. I try to announce it when I am, because falling off the face of the earth isn’t exactly courteous of me.

I’ve been getting a lot of asks asking if I’m alright and/or if there’s a reason why I’m kind of shutting myself off.

And here’s the thing. I know I don’t technically owe anyone an explanation for why I’ve been doing that. 

But I do want to give one. 

So think of this as more of an update I guess? Anyways, update under the cut. 

Warning: it’s long.

So, about why I’ve been taking breaks/why I haven’t been as interactive lately.

I’ve been rolling this around for a long time and trying to form the words to express all this.

There’s several major factors going on here, but the TLDR is I have an issue with feeling guilty about everything, even when I have no obligation to a person or situation, and it’s tanking my mental health.

1. The first, and most inconsequential, is I’m back to school. 

I’m a full time college student generally and have been since I started this sideblog. But as of this semester, I’ve officially transferred to a new university, which means school is taking up more of my time. 

I’m also in an honors program now, which means maintaining a 4.0 is—for financial reasons—more important than ever. I’m a bit stressed out, I’m not gonna lie! 

Also, the switch to remote has been a particularly rough one. I’m having a really hard time defining the boundary between “school and homework time” and downtime, which means anytime I spend not doing homework is really just spent with me feeling overwhelmed with guilt that I’m not trying to get ahead in class.

2. The world is kind of going through shit right now.

I’d be a liar if I said the state of the world isn’t killing my motivation. There’s a lot of shit going on, and it’s overwhelming. It feels like the second we slow down to catch a breath, a new tragedy hits. 

3. My depression is kind of killing me.

Like everyone, isolation is fucking with me. It has the fun side effect of piling onto my depression, so I’ve been really having a hard time finding the will to do anything, even things I enjoy. 

This also links to that feeling of guilt over not being productive: I want to do something I enjoy, but I can’t because I’m consumed with guilt over the fact I’m not meeting some perceived “productivity quota”, so instead of doing that work, or doing something I enjoy, I do nothing. I’ve been sleeping more these past few months than I ever have, but I’m still tired all the time.

4. Family matters.

I’m lucky in that I’m quarantined with my parents, so I have some interaction, but that also means that I am quarantined with my abusive father. As a closeted, nb gay mixed-asian, being forced to spend almost all my time with my violently racist, homophobic and transphobic white dad has been uh. not great for my mental health.

He also just finished his second round of treatments and we’re waiting on a prognosis to see if he’s cancer free or not, so I’ve been grappling with my extremely mixed feelings surrounding him (as well as the fact that I’ll likely be outed at some point and have to plan for an emergency exit when I live in a different state than the rest of my family and the majority of my friends in the middle of a pandemic) for the past six months or so.

5. I have been teetering dangerously close to full burnout for about five months now, and I think it’s finally hit.

Like I mentioned, I’m sleeping more than I ever have in my life. I’m tired all the time, and I keep getting hit with waves of just. really aggressive sadness and isolation. I’ve cried more in the past month than I have in uh. years.

Writing fanfic is a hobby. The problem is, my hobby overlaps with my major: I’m a creative writing major, so a lot of my creative energy has been going towards that.

Trying to balance both is a really tricky line to walk, and I just can’t do it right now. I’m struggling enough with class as it is, so content creation has fallen to the wayside, and I feel really shitty about that, especially since it’s something I enjoy.

I also felt like I always had to be “on”/accessible for this blog. (This is a personal problem that stems from growing up in a very service based culture, and one I’m working on, but it required time away and better boundaries on my part.)

6. Increased sense of alienation from the fandom at large.

This is kind of linked to 5.

Being able to keep anon on is really important to me, I know I personally don’t always feel comfortable sending asks to people off anon (I’ve joked before that even with users I’m genuinely friends with, I send asks on anon bc I don’t want them to feel like I’m waiting on an answer). 

I only answer about a quarter of the asks I receive (I won’t say a quarter of the asks people send me given tumblr’s tendency to eat asks). About a third of the asks are: asking me when a fic of mine will be updated/a wip will be posted, accusing me of something, flat out rude/hateful, or asking really invasive personal questions. 

I’ve gotten a few asking me to elaborate on specific traumas that I don’t think I’ve even mentioned on this blog, which is both violating and extremely entitled: as if someone else gets to decide if my trauma is legitimate enough or something.

There are also the asks that I either don’t have the energy to give the love they deserve and avoid because I feel guilty about that, or just flat out I don’t want to answer.

But deciding not to answer the asks sent in good faith makes me feel incredibly guilty and ashamed. This, again, is a personal problem, and one I’m working on.

I also feel my hyperfixation on opm beginning to fade.

But generally, I just feel less connected to the fandom. It’s mostly because my lack of spoons means I’m not reaching out to people as much, but there are other factors too. It sounds dramatic, but I’m still a little shaken by the spat I had with another opm blog a couple of months ago.

And generally? I don’t think the fandom is as active anymore anyways. Some small, self-absorbed part of me still blames myself for some of that, because the timing of the fandom dying down and fracturing came right after the dispute I mentioned.

7. I really want this account to stay associated with happy things, and I’m not feeling too happy right now.

This blog was one I made because I enjoyed opm and wanted to have fun with it. I still love opm, and I love some of the friends I’ve made on here, but I just. I don’t feel the love for the fandom as a whole right now, and given all the negative emotions/things I just laid out, I’m worried about it somehow rubbing off on this blog, both for me, and for the people who follow me.

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So yeah, that’s what’s going on on my end. I’m trying to stay positive and take care of myself, but I’m beyond overwhelmed, both for reasons related to, and entirely unrelated to this blog.

I want this blog to feel positive, and I worry this feels like I’m fishing for pity. That’s not it. I just need to get it off my chest, and kind of lay out where I am for you all, because I care about you.

Anyways, that’s all I got. I don’t know if I’ll delete this for now, but for the time it’s up, I’ll have it pinned to my blog. 

Love you all, and be gentle with yourself.