#If Janeway came to Tuvok like 'I have feelings for Chakotay Tuvok and it's tearing me apart' he'd be like 'I understand completely. What you

[bumblingbabooshka]

Me reading fics where Tuvok encourages other peoples’ romantic pursuits:

[firstofficer-williamyiker]

Ok, ok, ok, ok. I am way too focus on this but I really really wanted to list out every Star Trek ship (from TNG, DS9, and VOY cause those are the ones I have seen most of) I could think of and give my opinion on it. Why? Because I don’t wanna do my math test. Lets go down the spiral of hyperfixation and little impulse control. (FYI, this became a long ass post, so read through if you want or don’t lol)

Let’s start from the beginning. 

The Next Generation: (aka gays that all share one smart brain cell) 

Picard x Crusher: Honestly, I like their chemistry, and if it became canon I would be alright with that. No real strong feelings on this ship.

Picard x Q: The epitome of enemies to lovers slow burn in 300k words. The sexual tension is too much to handle, I absolutely adore these two. They probably fucked once and Picard regrets it immeasurably. 

Picard x Riker: Nah, not for me. But you do you dudes.

Riker x Troi: Again, I quite like these two together. Two Bi Icons getting together, I’m here for it. 

Riker x Worf: Eh, Worf isn’t really a fav of mine so that makes me bias against this ship. It cool tho.

Riker x Crusher: *war flashbacks to when Crusher had sex with a Trill worm that was inside currently inside Riker’s body* Haha, fuck no. 

Troi x Crusher: Two queens getting together and tearing down the patriarchy, I stan.

Troi x Tasha: I tend to block out season one of TNG from my mind, but honestly, I like the vibe.

Data x Geordi: My OTP for this show. It should have happened. Rick Berman is a coward. They are just so sweet and they understand each other like no one else. A few of their scenes in this show made me cry. I ship

Data x Tasha: Nah, I don’t vibe. Would have been better as mlm and wlw solidarity. 

Worf x Troi: They had a few cute scenes together in the later seasons, I don’t hate neither super enjoy.

Deep Space Nine: (aka no straights in space)

Sisko x Kasidy: I liked them better in the early seasons. I think the writers low-key forgot about Kasidy until she was convenient plot device. 

Kira x Odo: I preferred it in the first few seasons where Odo had a little crush on Kira and it was kinda adorable. But after their relationship had become canon in the later seasons I was kinda disappointed.

Kira x Jadzia: I am here for this ship, two powerful women ready to take on the world together but also have their own insecurities that come up as the situation arises. Immaculate, I want it.

Dukat x Kira: Fuck no, they are enemies. Idk why the DS9 writers thought it would be a great idea to pair THESE two together. But thank god for Nana Visitor for being such a queen. 

Odo x Quark: Again, another amazing enemies to lovers ship. I love seeing those two on screen together, their chemistry is just *chef’s kiss*.

Miles x Keiko: Miles is like, the token heterosexual on this show. He loves his wife, his kids, and his job.

Bashir x Garak: Fuck yeah, OTP of this show for me gang. It was so heavily implied and it would have been so cool to see, especially in the 90s. But oh well, at least we got the actors writing and performing fanfiction for us.

Bashir x Jadzia: Yeah no, I wouldn’t ship them romantically. And the writers definetly did not favors to Bashir when they make his crush on her a bit creepy in the early seasons. But would be a BROTP for me.

Bashir x Ezri: Hnng, I don’t like. It just feels like Bashir is trying to date the Jadzia he never had and I don’t like it.

Jadzia x Worf: It’s fine, I guess. I don’t really see the chemistry.

Ezri x Jake: I mean, it’s better than Ezri x Bashir, but like, Dax has known Jake over 3 lifetimes and watched him grow up soooo, nah.

Jake x Ziyal: I am a fan. I think these two would have been really cool together especially since they are both artistic people with Jake’s writing and Ziyal’s painting. They could have done some really cool stuff together. Plus, it would make some interesting family reunion moments between Dukat and Sisko hehe.

Jake x Nog: Again, I am a fan. Tol and smol dynamics are what I am here for.

Garak x Ziyal: No

Voyager: (aka gays lost in space)

Janeway x Chakotay: The of the few straight ships I would die for. I am quite disappointed that nothing ever formed between the two because it would have been really cute and oh my god the tension the writers made between the two. I feel baited for this ship, AND IT’S A STRAIGHT SHIP! I’m sorry I have feelings about this. 

Janeway x Seven: Not a top ship of mine but I definitely see the chemistry here and I support it. 

Janeway x Paris: I only bring this up because in like season 1 or 2 they have axolotl children together because the writers were probably high as a kite when they came up with this idea for an episode. But a hard pass. 

Janeway x Coffee: I’m pretty sure this is already canon and I stan. 

Chakotay x Seven: I haven’t completely finished Voyager yet but I heard that this is the endgame for the two and WTF. I don’t see or understand it and it makes me upset, like really upset.

Chakotay x B’elanna: I’m just glad this wasn’t canon. I more just bring it up because I remembered B’elanna had a crush on Chakotay in the early seasons before Tom. And like, I get it because if Chakotay was my commanding officer I’d probably crush too girl. 

B’elanna x Paris: It’s a canon ship that I honestly kinda like. There are some moments where I’m like “oh no” and other where I’m like “YES”. But overall, I enjoy it. I just feel like there is something missing.

Paris x Kim: Fuck yea, I love these two together. Two bros turned lovers I am fucking here for it my dudes. But again, I feel like there is something else missing here.

B’elanna x Paris x Kim: Oh hell yea, I found what was missing. This is my personal OTP of Voyager. In my head I think Kim and B’elanna are just really close friends who do engineering things together. While Paris is in the corner, loving them both, but also setting the Delta Flyer on fire for the third time this week. I haven’t really looked into the Voyager tag (because spoilers) so idk if this is a popular ship. But I think they all have some really fun chemistry and I enjoy it. 

Paris x Delta Flyer: This just came to my head 20 seconds ago as I wrote the last one but I’m pretty sure this one is already canon. 

Kim x Seven: Nah

Seven x The Doctor: Hmm, do I dislike it as much as I do Seven x Chakotay? No, I do not. But do I like it that much? No, no I do not. I ship them as friends.

Tuvok x Nelix: No, not really. Opposites attract is not really my cup of tea all the time.

Nelix x Kes: Oh damn, I almost forgot about Kes. I know this is canon but where did this come from. The writers NEVER EXPLAIN IT! And then they never explain why the later broke up. I just... I just don’t understand. 

I doubt I have covered every ship, these were just the ones that came to me while writing this. Also, these are just my personal opinions please don’t come for my knees.

[irenemarkone]

So yeah uh I can't explain myself

Part One of the ~6,000 word fic I wrote solely on a plot bunny I got at 2 a.m.

The Delta Quadrant finally breaks Captain Janeway, and Q arrives entirely too late.

TW: sewerslidal thoughts

Goddess of Good Fortune pt. 1

Voyager had been floating dead in space for days now. Janeway was reading through sensor logs in her ready room when whoever it was had attacked; an explosion rendered the bridge inhospitable, trapping her inside.

She couldn't reach anyone. The comm system wasn't down, there was simply no one to reach. She remained unshakable for the first day, trying everything she could, but there was nothing she could do without the rest of Voyager.

The second day, she broke down, sobbing as she slapped her comm badge for what felt like the thousandth time, asking for somebody, anybody to answer. She was furious at herself, at fate, and she began throwing everything that wasn't attached to the deck. She quickly scolded herself for acting like a foolish child, and cried some more.

The third day, environmental controls began to lose power. She tried asking the computer what was going on, but she was answered with a slow chime before the lights went out. Oxygen levels slowly began to drop, and before long she sat on the floor with her legs curled up under her. Her breaths came heavily and she dozed off after a few hours.

She woke up on the fourth day to the sound of a familiar voice.

"Kathy…"

She opened her eyes sluggishly and saw Q standing by her desk, wearing his usual Starfleet attire and an unusually grim expression. She muttered weakly through gritted teeth, "What the hell do you want."

He met her gaze and said, with something almost like remorse, "I knew you were in a bit of trouble, I thought you'd be able to handle it, but something went… wrong." He stepped towards her and said, "Horribly wrong…"

She moved to try and stand, grunting softly as her legs buckled underneath her. She was exhausted, but in a flash of light, he was there beside her, helping her to her feet. She grimaced and shoved him away weakly, bracing herself on the edge of the desk and saying, "Then why didn't you do something. Why didn't you… blink the other ship away or send them into the abyss-" her voice rose angrily, "-why didn't you do something Q! My crew is gone! My ship is in ruins! They're all dead! Every single one! Kim, Paris, Tuvok, Wildman, Torres, Chakotay-"

Her voice broke and she looked away, blinking back angry tears and taking in a raspy breath. The Continuum had forbidden him from aiding Voyager, she knew that; he knew that she knew that, but for once, he could almost understand.

It was almost a minute of dreadful, pointed silence before she whispered, "Go away."

He hesitated before reaching out to place a hand on her shoulder, but as soon as he touched her, she slapped his hand away, yelling hoarsely, "Go away, Q! Go away! For once in your infuriating existence, go away and leave me be!"

Her slap didn't physically hurt him- he doubted anything outside Q weapons ever could -but seeing her like this was the closest anything had ever gotten.

For the first few seconds, she tried to regain her composure, tucking various stray locks of hair behind her ears and standing upright while turning away from him. It didn't last long.

It started with her breaths beginning to shudder, and her hand quickly went to brace against her desk. She straightened her back and squared her shoulders, but it was to no avail. Her knees buckled once more and she held a hand over her mouth, sobbing openly and almost folding in on herself.

He knelt beside her and slowly placed a hand on her shoulder, his heart(?) nearly shattering as she flinched at his touch.

"I could take you home. If that would help." He knew it wouldn't.

Her answer was almost inaudible, but for once in his life(?), he regretted the fact that he could hear her voice flawlessly. "It doesn't matter anymore."

He moved in front of her. She looked up from the carpet, and he almost hoped she would glare at him (punch him, scream at him, anything to let him know there was some fight left), but her bottom lip quivered and her head fell forward to rest on his shoulder. His arms wrapped around her and he kissed the top of her head, stroking her back and her shoulders as he whispered sweet nothings into her hair.

He took them away from Voyager, leaving the broken ship to drift aimlessly in space. With a thought, they were in the Continuum, but not in any form she'd seen before. The dirt road was dreadful, and the memories of almost being executed in the Civil War reenactment still made him grimace, so instead he took her to a 20th century suburban home.

The small house was decorated with all manner of knickknacks and embroidery projects (and some of the most hideous wallpaper he'd ever seen), and there was plastic on the furniture for god's sake, but there was something oddly comforting about it all, so he let it be.

She was exhausted, physically, mentally, and emotionally, and he decided that what she needed the most was sleep.

In normal circumstances, where she would banter with him and he could charm her all he wanted, he would have changed her clothes by hand, but this was far from normal (he noticed with devastating awareness). He snapped his fingers and she was in a comfortable set of pajamas, underneath the covers of the master bedroom's California King, and it wasn't long before she drifted to sleep.

He stepped to the side of the bed and saw that her face was screwed into a frown. Her hands held the sheets in a white-knuckled grip. He reached into her thoughts and found that she was already slipping into a nightmare, and a nasty one at that. He knew that before all of this, she would have hated him for digging around in her mind, but for the moment he could only hope she would forgive him as he made her sleep dreamlessly.

He kissed her forehead and tucked a stray lock of hair out of her face, just as a flash of light signalled the arrival of another Q.

He sighed and turned to face his former lover, saying in a solemn voice he'd never heard himself use before, "Please Q, she's had a wretched day."

She raised one of her impeccable eyebrows and drawled, "So you've brought your pet human back to the Continuum. What was it this time? Did she have a bad date with Commander Whatsit and wanted to whimper to you, or did another wormhole turn out to be a dud?"

He narrowed his eyes at her and she narrowed hers right back, as he said, "Buzz off. I don't feel like arguing with you."

She rolled her eyes and stepped closer, saying as she looked down at the sleeping captain like a snake eyeing a mouse, "If it's really that horrible, just cheer her up. Give her that horrid bean drink she never shuts up about, make her a new ship with new underlings to boss around, there has to be something to stop this nonsense and your insufferable moping."

He kept his eyes fixed on Kathryn, stroking her cheek with the back of one finger. He remained grim as he said, "None of that will make her happy, not now."

For the first time, he heard Miss Q laugh. "Then what will? Good heavens, you never moped this much when she rejected you. This 'horrid day' must have been a real doozy."

The humor quickly died for her and she said, "I almost have the mind to make her Q. Surely now that those ignoramuses are out of the way, she couldn't be too horrible to have around."

He looked up at her quickly and said with a bit of urgency, "Don't you dare. That's a terrible idea."

She gave him a smirk. "You act like the fact that it's a terrible idea to you is going to stop me. If anything, I'm convinced. Really Q, your sense of humor has degraded horribly ever since you let that mammal into our lives. Besides. It will be so much fun to watch her."

She disappeared.

He quickly looked back down at Kathryn to find her still asleep underneath the covers, her expression now blank and her hands grasping at the sheets. He sat on the side of the bed and held one of her hands gently, slipping a small sliver of a dream into her mind.

She was lying in the middle of a wildflower field, gazing up at the stars, but Q stayed by her side, warding her nightmares away.

---

When Kathryn woke up the next morning(?), sunlight filtered beautifully through the windows and birds sang outside in the trees. She looked around the room with a bit of alarm, but as soon as she saw Q, it all came flooding back. Her face fell and she lied back down, turning away from him as she curled up in the sheets.

He moved to rest a hand on her back but hesitated at the last second, saying softly, “Kathy… you know there was nothing I could do.”

She turned over and gave him a weak glare, saying hoarsely, “Well you certainly picked an odd time to give a damn about anyone’s rules.” He nodded and said with a ghost of a sad smirk, “I guess I did.”

He stood from the side of the bed and conjured a small breakfast tray for her, complete with a tall stack of pancakes, bacon and eggs, and of course a steaming mug of coffee. She faced away from him, although her stomach rumbled loud enough for him to hear.

“You have to eat something, Kathy. Please,” he muttered, moving a little closer. She reluctantly sat up and grabbed the tray, setting it in her lap before wiping her eyes with the back of her hand. He watched her inquisitively, a faint frown on his face as he said, "Go on, it's not poison." The corner of her mouth twitched and she muttered under her breath, "Shame."

She ate her breakfast, keeping her gaze on the tray as she downed mouthful after mouthful. She hadn't realized just how hungry she actually was; she cleaned her plate in five minutes. The coffee, however, remained untouched.

Q noticed this, saying, "It's your favorite blend, black, just how you like it." She grabbed the handle slowly and took a sip, setting it back down. He let out a small breath before saying, "How are you, Kathy?"

She rubbed one of her temples with her free hand and said through gritted teeth, "Don't call me that." He frowned and said, "Kathryn, then." Chakotay's face flashed behind her eyes and she spat, "That's worse."

"Madame Captain?"

She slammed the mug down on her tray, sending coffee sloshing over the sides. "I'm not a damn captain anymore Q, my crew is dead-!"

Her voice cracked and she held her face in her hands, taking deep shuddering breaths before grabbing the mug again. She took another slow sip of coffee, taking a deep breath.

“I’m sorry," he said softly. She nodded, finishing off her mug and setting it down on the tray.

“‘Kathy’ is alright. I shouldn’t have yelled.”

“My dear Kathy, no one has more of a right to yell than you do.”

She set her tray to the side, and he vanished it as soon as it left her hands.

She spent the day in bed, alternating hours of sleeping and crying and only breaking this routine to begrudgingly eat the meals Q conjured for her. Although she hardly said a word, he stayed with her the entire time, keeping her dreams peaceful and making sure she was comfortable.

---

Almost a month passed this way; Kathryn could hardly leave her room. She ate her meals and drank her coffee in silence, ignoring Q and staring into nothingness. He fought off her nightmares and talked to her even though he hardly ever got answers outside small grunts and single words.

He never knew her crew meant this much to her. Sure, she’d told him, she’d been so determined to get home, she watched over them like a mother bear, but he woefully realized that he’d never really listened to her. Seeing her like this was truly jarring.

One day, she’d been in a darker place than usual. She’d thrown her mug at the wall, sending hot coffee and shards of glass everywhere, and screamed for him to leave. He forgot himself for a moment and left the Continuum, knocking a few moons out of orbit before righting them again and heading back. He found her sitting in the living room, and she said in a voice hoarse from sobbing, “I’m sorry Q.” She watched him with watery eyes as he stepped closer, and he said, “It’s alright… I shouldn't have left you alone, you have every right to be angry.” He sat down next to her hesitantly, and before he could react, she moved closer and hugged him. He returned the hug gently, feeling her begin to cry in his arms.

Miss Q arrived one evening while Kathryn was sleeping, and Q stood in front of her door with a glare.

“Don’t you dare, Q. You can’t.”

She raised an eyebrow and said, “And why can’t I? I’m bored. I know fully well that you understand the feeling.”

“She’s miserable enough without having to live out eternity this way. Please, leave her be.”

She actually smirked, chuckling low in her throat and saying, “‘Please’? Oh Q, how pathetic of you.” She snapped her fingers, disappearing from the house in a flash of light.

He teleported to Kathryn's room only to find her sitting on the edge of her bed, looking down at her hands. He could feel something almost like electricity in the air, a subtle difference he only noticed around fellow Q. His heart(?) dropped.

He knew that right now, she was feeling the full brunt of omnipotence, weighing down on her like a foot on the back of her neck. He stepped forward cautiously, but the force of her anger shoved him back against the closed door as she muttered, "What the hell did you do to me."

"This wasn't me, I swear! It was Q, that conniving-"

"Why."

He couldn't answer her.

Standing in front of her was almost like standing in the center of a supernova. He could feel the intensity of the grief rolling off of her, and it almost brought him to his knees. For her sake, he couldn't wait until a few millenia passed, when emotions began to fade and give way to crushing emptiness, but at the same time he dreaded it.

As she narrowed her eyes at him and snapped vindictively, sending them both hurtling through space, he had to admit she adjusted quickly. He truthfully expected nothing less from her, and he would have been proud were it not for the fact that he was currently being dragged through space and time like a ragdoll. Given the circumstances, for the first time in forever, he was terrified.

She yelled at him in the Qs' language, and while hearing her voice saying those words(?) was transcendent, the meaning behind them made him want to hide in the nearest blackhole and never come out again.

"Why did she do this? Why did she make me this way? Answer me, Q!"

"She said she was bored, nothing more! She didn't mean anything by it!"

She lashed out, dragging him through an anomaly and raging, "That would be just my luck, to spend the rest of time itself as part of a species who torments sentient life because they're bored!"

She vanished, leaving him reeling.

It wasn't until fifty years later that he found her standing on top of a trash freighter in the Delta Quadrant, watching Voyager's remains being hauled away.

She wore her Starfleet uniform, her (lovely) hair pulled back into her signature bun. She felt his presence and said softly, "Go away." He manifested beside her in his own corporeal form, sitting down on the hull. She sat down next to him and blinked back tears (he remembered tears, from his mortal experience on the Enterprise-D).

"Kathy… this won't help."

"I know it won't."

She clasped her hands together and took in a deep breath, saying, "It doesn't get any better, does it?" He looked down at the bulkhead beneath his feet and said, "I wouldn't know. I haven't… cared for anything as strongly as you cared for them."

He thought for a quick second before saying, "If it makes you feel any better, you're Q now. You can see anything you want, do anything you like."

She looked at him and said lowly, "You really don't know anything about me, do you? After all those years of stalking me and trying to win me over, you never really took the time to learn who I am. If you think I'm going to enjoy being trapped in limbo, never able to move on from this miserable existence, then you don't know me at all."

She disappeared, and with that, Voyager's remains ceased to exist.

He stayed on the bulkhead of the trash freighter for a while longer, staring out at the empty space in front of him. He wasn't sure what was to be done now.

---

The first thing she did was try to undo what happened to Voyager. She went back and vanished the other ship into nothingness, but as she did, she could feel every individual life cease to exist all at once. It hit her like a punch to the throat.

She watched her crew go on living, but she wasn't used to changing time, and what she changed only caused another timeline.

Back in her timeline, her crew was still dead.

She tried everything she could, but the results remained the same. She supposed she could have ripped the universe apart but in the end she didn't see the point.

---

Years, decades, centuries passed and Kathryn grew used to omnipotence.

She started off the rest of eternity by exploring, still driven by the humanity inside her to see all that she could. She looked but never touched, determined not to become a monster but too dreadfully aimless to remove herself entirely.

She visited Earth only once, but without her crew the planet held nothing but bitterness. She never visited it again.

In a somewhat desperate attempt to regain some small bit of normalcy, she lived in different species for a couple millenia. She'd mingle, learn all there was to learn, sometimes staying for hundreds of years at a time before moving to the next.

The more and more she lived as a Q, the less and less sense the Prime Directive made to her. The notion left her mind entirely one day, as she stopped an asteroid from decimating a planet populated by a civilization that deemed her the Goddess of Good Fortune shortly afterward. She found somewhat of a purpose, gaining a similar reputation in thousands of solar systems, halting plagues and natural disasters and all manner of disputes.

She refused to be associated with the Continuum. She never sought them out, and for the longest time, she didn't see any of them.

Q finally came to talk to her, watching carefully from afar as she drifted on the edge of a spiral galaxy in the incorporeal form she hated so much. She thought she would never get used to the feeling.

"What do you want, Q?"

"I'd just like to talk."

"...Alright."

She appeared in the tunic she'd worn on the planet she and Chakotay had dubbed New Earth, sitting cross-legged in the void. Q joined her in his usual uniform, looking at her with a silent question on his features.

"I'm sorry, Kathy, you must know that by now."

She paused before saying softly, "I know."

She rested her chin on her hand and said, "I've given it quite a bit of thought, between the distractions. Time… is so incredibly different this way. I guess it doesn't matter now."

She faced him and said, "The emptiness is… almost suffocating sometimes. I've lived a thousand different lives, on so many different worlds, but it doesn't mean a thing. Not a damn thing. I can pretend, but I'm not like them anymore."

Her voice quivered as she said, "I can barely even mourn properly. I feel… I feel numb, but that's not the right word. I know it was senseless, I know there was nothing I could have done, but I can't accept that. But I have to."

He hesitated, for once in his life(?) thinking before he spoke.

"You may not believe me, and I've given you plenty of reason not to, but I admire you."

She looked back out into the void, chuckling darkly. He raised both hands and said, "I do. Any other-"

He caught himself, "A Q would have lashed out. Half the universe would be in ruins, but you, Kathryn Janeway, the marvel of the human race… I used to scoff at your morals, but…" He looked down at his hands and then back at her, saying softly, "You're so much better than I could ever be."

They sat there in silence, watching everything and nothing all at once. She caught herself speaking aloud, startling them both, "Hold me." He gave her a puzzled look and she said, "Please."

Without hesitation, he pulled her into a tight hug, feeling her return it. He planted a small kiss under her ear and she rested her forehead on his shoulder, holding onto him a little tighter. He could feel her emotions filling the space around them, her frustration, anger, but the most overwhelming was the crushing grief. It poured off of her in relentless waves that had long since dragged her under.

He held her, stroking her hair and staying silent as she began to cry. He didn’t need to infer too much to know that he shouldn’t say anything, and even if he should, he wouldn't know what. He supposed if she were in a better mood, she would have found that amusing, Q, not knowing what to say, but he doubted she would be in a better mood again.

Slowly, over the course of a few hours, the waves subsided to numbness, and she disappeared without another word. He stayed behind, looking out at the galaxy gently turning before him. She had called this the Milky Way before, and he almost had the mind to destroy it.

He plucked it out of space and held it in his palm, regarding it with something almost resembling disgust. A simple thought, that's all it would take, but something stopped him. He paused, letting it turn in his hand before leaving it hanging in the void.

---

Another thousand years came and went like it was nothing, and Q didn’t see Kathryn once. He saw her handiwork: corrected orbits, cured plagues, halted disasters of every caliber, but never the orchestrator. That was, until one day she found him instead of the other way around.

He had gone back to Earth and found nothing he remembered. Humans had changed drastically since the last time he'd seen them, and when he arrived, they simply ignored him. He knew it was foolish, but he almost felt hurt. He was sitting inside a nebula, vanishing stars without systems when she found him.

She didn't say a word, sitting down next to him and hugging her knees to her chest. He couldn't feel her emotions at first, and as he probed for them, he found nothing but a small fragment of her grief.

He turned to face her and said, "I can see why you hate this so much…" He paused before saying softly, "Kathr- Kathy, I am so sorry-"

She interrupted him with a swift kiss on the mouth, and as he looked at her in utter bewilderment, she said, "Enough apologies, Q." She leaned in again, and there was nothing he could do to move away.

This kiss was slow. It was everything he'd ever wanted, but at the same time it wasn't. Her arms hooked around his neck and her hands wandered to his hair, but she was so dreadfully cold. Where he should have felt passion, warmth, love, if not love then lust, anything, he felt nothing.

[summahsunlight]

This Way Became My Journey, Ch. 19

"Tuvok to Janeway."

The Vulcan's steady, strong voice cut through her slumber. Kathryn opened her eyes and immediately realized that sleeping on the chaise lounge had been a big mistake; her neck was aching terribly. Sitting up, she rubbed her eyes, and pressed her combadge. "Go ahead, Tuvok."

"The modifications are complete. We're ready to proceed into Rupor space on your orders, Captain."

Was it morning already? She felt like she had just laid down and had gotten no sleep at all. Stretching her neck, she told him, "I'm on my way. Hold our position until I get there."

"Understood, Captain. Tuvok out."

Kathryn climbed off of the chaise lounge and went into the bathroom to splash some cold water on her face. There would be no time for a shower today; a fresh uniform change, fixing of hair and makeup was all she had time for today. But being a mother she was used to not being able to shower in the morning. Speaking of the children, where are they? Kathryn peeked into the mirror, which gave her a clear view of the living room. Ava had moved from the chaise lounge sometime in the night and was now sprawled out on the sofa. Kathryn had no doubt that Michael was still sleeping peacefully in his room.

That won't last for long; I better take advantage of it. 

She quickly slipped out of the rumpled uniform that she had slept in, pulled on a fresh one, and shook her hair out, reaching for her brush. As she did so she heard the doors to the living room swish open and she smiled. "Morning, Tal."

The young Bajoran's face appeared in the mirror, watching as Janeway did her hair. "Good morning, Captain. Are the children still in bed?" A frustrated cry from the sofa indicated that Ava was no longer asleep. "I'll get her, Captain. Keep getting ready."

Kathryn watched in the mirror as Tal picked Ava off of the sofa and went to the dining area, picking out some ration pack that was suitable for children. After we retrieve Chakotay and Sarah, those damn replicators are getting fixed. Pinning the last bit of hair back into her bun, Kathryn touched up her make up, splashed on some perfume that had been her husband's favorite, and went out into the living room. A sleepy-eyed Michael had joined Tal and Ava at the table, and both children were looking at the ration packs pensively. Tal was telling them, quite animatedly, to just pretend that the ration packs were in fact, the best thing they had ever tasted before.

"The best thing Ava's ever tasted is that goopy cereal Mama gives her," Michael said, moving his fork about the dehydrated food. "I don't think this game is going to work, Tal."

"Oh come on," Tal interjected. "I did it this morning."

Michael looked up at his mother, pleading in his eyes. "Mama, do I really have to eat this?"

"I'm afraid honey, until the replicators are fixed, you do," Kathryn replied, leaning down to kiss the top of his dark hair. "I'll see you later."

She ruffled Ava's hair on the way out of the quarters and proceeded to the turbo lift. In a few short hours the nightmare of the past two days could be all over, she didn't know why that wasn't making her feel any better. Perhaps she was afraid of what they were going to find once they got back to that planetoid. Ensign Kim's long range sensor reports indicated that it was Class L, not the best place to try and survive for a few days while waiting to be rescued.

When the doors to the bridge swished open, Kvati, the engineer that had been assigned to lead the team modifying Voyager's shields greeted her, " Good morning, Captain Janeway, like we promised the modifications are complete. Voyager should be able to pass through Rupor space undetected for several hours."

Kathryn nodded her head in appreciation as she made her way to the command station. "Mister Paris, how far are we from the planetoid we tracked the shuttle too?"

"If we travel at warp six we could be there in two hours," Tom answered, sounding much more rested than the night before. "If we travel any faster than that we risk interfering with the shield modifications and being detected by our friends."

The Captain set her jaw. Two hours, it could all be over in two hours. "Mister Paris, set a course for the planetoid, warp six."

"Aye, Captain."

Harry Kim had been in engineering, helping B'Elanna maintain the constant change of shield variances to keep them hidden from the Rupor, when Captain Janeway had summoned him to the transporter room. Grabbing a tricorder and a phaser before he left, he told B'Elanna to wish them luck. She had responded that Klingons don't believe in luck, but offered it to him anyways.

He found Janeway already standing on the transporter pad, her own tricorder and phaser in her belt, Tuvok was standing with her. Harry bounded up onto the transporter pad, on the other side of the Captain, and she gave the transporter chief a small nod of her head. Soon he felt the familiar sensation of being broken down to the very last atom in his body. It tingled; he always had loved how it made him feel, like he was free to go anywhere he pleased.

A rocky and barren landscape soon materialized before him. Harry looked about, reaching for his tricorder and pulling it out of his belt. Opening it up he noticed a deep path cut through the rock and his tricorder was picking up traces of plasma and other alloys that were common in Starfleet vessels and shuttlecrafts. He swallowed, they had transported directly to the crash sight. "Captain, I'm not picking up any life signs," he said softly, his dark eyes searching the face of his commanding officer. Her deep blue eyes were conveying a deep sorrow, one that Harry had not seen in her before. She was on the verge of tears, he was sure of it, and he felt a strong urge to comfort her. But there were no comforting words, for he was in just as much pain.

"It's quite possible, Captain, that Commander Chakotay and Counselor Barrett abandoned the shuttle to look for supplies and a place to set up camp," Tuvok reasoned, breaking the silence. "We should have Voyager do a planet wide sweep for human life signs."

Janeway's only response was a curt nod of her head. She motioned for Harry to follow her while Tuvok made the arrangements with Voyager to scan the area for Chakotay and Sarah.

Harry walked a few meters with her before they came across the shuttle, crumpled against the cavern's walls. His heart sank at the sight. What are the chances that anyone could survive a crash like this? 

Janeway was picking her way through the open hatch, stepping over debris, scanning the area. Harry watched as her eyes took in the charred inner cabin, the smell of burnt plasma lingering in the chilled air. Suddenly she stopped and leaned down, brushing aside some ash to pick something up. When she straightened her form Harry could clearly see what she held in the palm of her hand; two Starfleet issued combadges. The sound of Tuvok approaching, his boots walking across the stone ground could be heard echoing off the walls, while Janeway ran her fingers absentmindedly over the two mangled badges.

"Voyager is scanning the area now, Captain," Tuvok stated, his eyes falling on the badges. The silence lingered, awkwardly, between the three officers.

And suddenly, Janeway's fingers closed in around the combadges, her eyes snapping up to meet Tuvok's. There was fire burning in them, Harry realized, the trace of the pain and sadness gone, replaced with a fury that was nothing like he had ever seen. "Get another team down here to search the area. Harry and I are going to go through this mess and see if we can piece together what, exactly happened."

With a nod of his head, Tuvok disappeared from the shuttle.

"Let's get to it, Ensign," Janeway said, turning about, venturing deeper into the destroyed shuttle.

Harry found that he had yet to learn how to bury his emotions like Janeway could and focus on the task at hand. His mind kept wandering to Sarah, how she had been becoming his friend, and now was added to the list of losses that Voyager had endured in just the three short weeks that they had been stranded out in the Delta Quadrant. Was this something that Janeway had learned over time, how to bury emotions? Was it the outcome of years in Starfleet? Or was it just a personality trait? Either way, Harry wished that he had the ability.

"Odd," Janeway's voice brought him out of his ponderings. He ventured into the shuttle to where she was standing, scanning the walls with her tricorder. "These conduits didn't explode because of the crash; they exploded because someone fired a Starfleet issued phaser at them to apparently catch the cabin on fire."

"So, the combadges were accidentally left behind?"

Janeway shook her head. "No, I think the combadges were left there as a ruse, to make the Rupor think the occupants in the shuttle had perished." She leaned down and started to scan the area where she had found the two badges. "Normally, there would be traces of human DNA, but I'm not picking any up where the badges where, meaning that Chakotay and Sarah weren't there when the conduits exploded."

Harry, feeling a new sense of hope, began to scan the rest of the cabin. Maybe the Commander and Counselor had survived this crash after all. Then his tricorder beeped, and he frowned, turning about to Janeway. "Captain, I think you should see this."

She picked her way through the ash towards him and began to scan the area that Harry was standing in front. With a frown she tapped her combadge. "Janeway to sickbay. Doctor, I'm sending up a piece of debris of the crash sight. I want you to confirm that it has either Commander Chakotay's or Counselor Barrett's DNA on it."

"Understood Captain," the Doctor's voice came over the comline. "I'll be ready for it."

Janeway took her tricorder and placed it on the piece of charred conduit that Harry had been scanning. She tapped her combadge again. "Voyager, lock onto my tricorder and beam it, along with the piece of conduit, directly to sickbay."

Harry heard someone answer, but his eyes were transfixed on the piece of conduit that disappeared in the transporter beam. It wouldn't take the Doctor long to determine if the traces of blood he had found on the debris were Chakotay's or Sarah's, and that would confirm, without a doubt that the Commander and Counselor had died in the crash, or been hunted down later. He felt something like a burning hatred swelling in his heart. The Rupor had murdered two officers, in cold blood. He didn't care if they had violated the aliens' twisted sense of authority. If Chakotay had been given the chance he surely would have retreated from Rupor space.

But the Commander apparently had not been given the chance. Him and Sarah had been shot down, tearing a path through thick rock until their shuttle came to a crumpled stop. If they had managed to even survive that crash, the Rupor must have gone after them, to finish the job. It didn't seem like them to just leave well enough alone.

Had their last few moments been terrifying? Painful? Or had they gone quickly? Harry prayed for the latter. He hated to think of his fellow officers, one whom he considered a friend, suffering a gruesome death.

"Tuvok to Janeway, Captain we've found something, it appears to be boot tracks leading up the mountain. Permission to continue?"

"Permission granted," Janeway answered, motioning for Harry to leave the shuttle with her. "Ensign Kim and I are transporting back to Voyager. Keep me informed, Commander, on your progress. Janeway out."

"The traces of blood on the conduit definitely belong to Counselor Barrett," the Doctor informed Janeway upon her return to Voyager. "But I can't tell you if she died in that shuttle or not."

Janeway rubbed her temples for a moment. "We didn't find any other traces of DNA, just one area with her blood. It could mean that they managed to get out of the shuttle before the conduits blew, or they made it look like the conduits had blown so the Rupor wouldn't come after them. Everything is up in the air right now Doctor."

"I wish I had more to tell you Captain."

The woman let out a frustrated sigh. It had been nearly thirty minutes since she had transported back to Voyager. She had heard nothing from Tuvok and the rescue team down on the planet's surface, and the Doctor's news wasn't what she had hoped to hear. "I'm going to assume that they're alive until otherwise notified, Doctor. I want you to be ready for causalities; who knows what kind of state we're going to find them in. The shuttle was a mess and after being stranded on a barren planet for two days their conditions may not be the best."

"Aye Captain," the Doctor replied. "I'll be ready."

"I'll be on the bridge," Janeway stated, making a quick exit out of sickbay and heading for the turbo lift. As she made her way to the safe, warm confines of the bridge, she had no way of knowing that her officers were fighting, at that moment, for their very lives.

The game of cat and mouse had been going on since Sarah had shaken him awake at dusk the previous day. Apparently their friends hadn't fallen for the destruction he had inflicted on the cabin to make it look like it had exploded in the crash. Chakotay had been forced to leave everything, but a tricorder, a canteen of water, and a blanket for Sarah, behind, and the two had left the tiny cave they had sought to seek shelter in. Now they were being stalked like prey, through the rocky terrain.

Chakotay hadn't actually seen the aliens, but he knew that they were there, the tricorder kept warning them of the life forms approaching. And every hour they seemed to gain on them. Sarah was loosing strength minute by minute, if she had even had any to begin with. For him, hypothermia had set in late that night as they braved the high winds at the peak of the mountain. Even the sunlight of the next day was doing very little to warm him up. If they didn't find a place to take shelter in that night, he was certain that they both were going to die out here. It didn't matter if Voyager was coming for them or not, they wouldn't survive long enough to see their crewmates.

"Chakotay, please," Sarah pleaded. "I need to stop. The pain…it hurts."

He shook his head, stubborn, determined to carry onward, even if his own legs were starting to give out. "We can't stop. Just grit your teeth and bear it. I promise, once we're back on Voyager I'll give you light duty shifts, but until then, just keep moving."

There was a tiny groan of protest, but she didn't say anything else. She probably didn't have the strength too. Since abandoning the shuttle the night before she had taken no medication to quell the pain or to stall the infection, both were running rampant through her body and here he was dragging her around over rough ground. I'm not making my case for First Officer of the Year, here, Chakotay thought with mild amusement, if there could be anything amusing about their current situation.

Sarah suddenly stumbled, taking Chakotay with her. "I…can't…Chakotay. I just can't…"

He felt a great weight tugging at his arm as Sarah sank to the ground. He was pulled down to his knees. For a moment he sat there, watching her as she stared up at the sky that was extremely reminiscent of her eyes.

"My father always made us lay out on cliffs to watch the clouds and stars when we were little. He liked to drag us on camping trip after camping trip; I hated every moment of it," she suddenly muttered. "Funny how the last thing I'm going to do is watch the sky."

Chakotay leaned over her and grasped onto her shoulders. "Don't you do this to me now! You're not through just yet, not if I have anything to say about it!"

She shook her head. "What's the point, Chakotay? Those aliens are only going to kill us. Let's consider it doing them a favor by dying before they get the chance."

"You are not going to die! Not when we've come this far!" Chakotay sucked in a large breath of air and tried to pull her back to her feet, but she was dead weight and he had very little strength left. With a huff he fell back onto his behind, the canteen rolling away from him, the tricorder smashing against the rock. He watched as Sarah's thick eyelashes soon closed over her eyes. It would only be a matter of time before she gave out, and he knew, that he wasn't going to be far behind her.

[impalaanddemons]

Infinity

A/N: DO MY EYES FOOL ME NO THEY DON’T i wrote something. Very very inspired by @imamotherfuckingstar-lord and her fantastic loki fic. I had to do a Q one! Q x Reader,  Soulmate AU one shot, age of soulmate at meeting on wrist, reliving their memories at fiest touch Summary: The age of your soulmate when you meet is printed on your wrist. Sadly you got fucked over by destiny with an infinity symbol, so you guess you’re out of the game.

You leant against a wall in Voyagers med bay, your hands pressed on your thighs and pushing air slowly into your lungs and then back out. You hated space. You hated the delta quadrant. You hated starfleet. You hated birthday parties were two crew mates shook hands for the first time in congratulations and learned that they were, in fact, soul mates.

Contrary to most of your crew mates you didn’t mind being stranded in the delta quadrant as much as others, mostly the young ensigns. There had been endless talk about their soulmates from the moment on they realized they were stranded: Desperation- the fear and realization of never meeting their soulmate or of never seeing them again if they had already been found. Confusion, because none of the ages on any wrists had changed. A faint hope that they would find a way back before. Endless theories based on those imprints.

And eventually the all pervading topic of soulmates and how it dominated humanoid life in the universe had subsided on Voyager and became a faint background noise nobody really wanted to talk about.

And now - this. This … unfortunate accident, this finding of soulmates, the energy that came with it had swept through the ship and had even tempted steadfast Janeway to offer her congratulations. And while the ship now brimmed again with talk and possibilities and a soulmate celebration to be held you had fled to med bay, yelled at the EMH - the poor doctor, you would have to apologize later - and then at some point sunken to the floor, staring gloomily at your own wrist. Where a number should be you only had a symbol of infinity, a lying eight - an undeniable ∞.

It didn’t even faintly look like an eight, which would’ve been slightly concerning on it’s own at your age, as you had hoped as a child. When you had still held your breath whenever you were introduced to someone your age. Then someone slightly younger. Then someone a lot younger. You had stopped hoping around your eleventh birthday when you couldn’t fool yourself anymore. It had been a long lesson of physics in class when you had been introduced to the infinity symbol and realized that there was nothing left to hope for. Destiny had fucked up. To you, all this symbol meant was a big fat ‚Nope‘ from the universe itself. You grew to resent the soulmate cult around your teenage years and were secretly glad when talk of it had died down on the Voyager some months after the displacement. Everyone had grasped the fact that they’d not find their soulmate for the foreseeable future and had come to terms with it. Just as you had to live in their world before, they now had to join yours. Fair play.

More tears welled up, you choked and sobbed until a pair of arms took you in, pulled you closer until your head lay on the chest of the Doctor. His movement was somewhat awkward - he was not usually the type to pull crew mates into his arms and his rather harsh disposition did not make him the first call for people in emotional distress anyway.

But, as he once had said to you, he was a hologram and his chances of finding a soul mate where as high as yours. Zero.

Soulmate festivities usually lasted two weeks - the union of two minds was celebrated after all and it was not like the Voyager was in a rush. What were two weeks compared to 70 to 80 years and everybody needed something to cheer up.

You had managed to avoid the first couple of days already and now with most of the crew nursing a hangover another person not leaving her quarters rarely raised anyones eyebrows.

You had pulled up your favorite shows, used your rations to replicate a rakhtajino and some, okay a lot, of comfort food that would definitely raise the Doctors eyebrows and had decided to enjoy the vacation your way.

That is until the yellow alarm sounded - you pulled over your uniform, just in case - quickly followed by a red alarm - you now put your uniform on in record time - and you rushed over to the bridge - your station as security personnel aboard Voyager.

The bridge was in disarray, to put it mildly. Chakotay way yelling something, a few people were running around headless - not literally - only Tuvok was at his station, pushing buttons, analyzing things, sciencing science.

„Commander Chakotay, Sir. Where’s the Captain?“ you asked, your eyes flickering over his exposed wrist as he lifted his hands for a second and then sighed. His number was not Captain Janeways age and would never be, you noted for yourself.

„In her Quarters. Good that you’re here, Lieutenant Y/N, come with me, I haven’t had contact with her.“

You nodded and then fell into an easy jog alongside his long strides through the ship.

„Sir, if I may … „

„You may“, he said and although he was tense you could see the glint of a smile in his eyes. „An entity we have encountered before has boarded ship a few minutes ago“ he then explained before you had a chance to open your mouth. Both of you turned around a corner and he saw the quizzical expression on your face. „Omnipotent. Extremely … dangerous.“

For a moment there you had a feeling that he had wanted to say something else. „Sir, I don’t think I understand … the red alarm …?“

„You’ll see, just stay alert.“ he sighed and the both of you turned around another corner.

„My dear Captain Janeway“ a voice drawled, sounding lazy and with a dark rich quality to it. „Q.“ the exasperated sigh of your Captain did not sound like an emergency per se, but that was not your decision to make. „How can you have a two week party without inviting me? All the indulgence, the raw hedonism“ you could hear a knowing eyebrow wriggle in his voice. When you and Chakotay entered the room she had just opened her mouth to answer and probably shut him down too, but the other voice interrupted her already. „And you already invited Chakotay“ a sigh followed your superior officers name and you had a moment to take in the figure in front of you - tall and muscular without being bulky. He had the physic of a cat and the smirk on his lips reflected in his eyes, inviting you and warning you at the same time. Your wrist began to itch as his eyes crossed yours and you pulled your eyebrows into a furrow.

„And who are you, mon petite cher?“ he didn’t bother with Chakotay who tried to raise his voice, neither did he care for the Captain demanding his attention. Instead he cocked his head lightly and when Chakotay tried to put a hand on his arm - what a macho gesture, you thought - the dark haired man vanished with a flash of light. His voice was now right behind your ear and a shudder crawled down your spine. Your wrist had begun to hurt - a burning sensation as if someone was trying to tattoo that symbol of shame with a hot nail onto your skin. „I’ve never seen you before.“ his voice dropped even more and you wondered at the melodic cadence when he talked.

„Leave her alone Q, she is my security.“ Janeway interrupted whatever he wanted to whisper and he threw his head back and laughed a boisterous laugh. You rubbed your wrist. „Security?“ he laughed again. You realized how tall he was when he had to bend down to your level, his dark eyes searching your face for something. „Oh dear Kathy, I don’t think she has it in her.“

You could feel heat rushing up to your face and neck at the offense and the blood rushing through your veins with fury. „Careful, Sir. I may not know who you are but I will - „

„Yes?“ he interrupted you the smile on his face almost excited, giddy with anticipation. „Oh you should have invited me last week, Kathy, there’s so much …“ he paused as if searching for the right word.

„ … fun.“

He lifted his fingers and as he did you lifted your phaser, pressing it right under his chin. But the man still smiled and as he smiled your world began to melt into this single moment, your eyes locked with his and your ears unable to hear Chakotays orders, only processing the sweet words this Q would surely say any moment now. Your wrist now burned giving you the distinct impression of your very bones catching fire in your hand. „Touch me and I’ll shoot you.“ you hissed.

There was no fear in his eyes. Only curiosity and pity.

He lifted his fingers. You pulled the trigger. Nothing happened. And then he extended his hand, grabbed your burning fist and turned it around. A second passed between the two of you as his fingers slid over the curves of the infinity symbol and then his eyes snapped up to yours. You wanted to say something, spit it in his face but then you groaned as a million memories crashed over you and into you.

You blacked out on the spot.

You awoke with a gasp for air and with a dream of drowning. A quick look around assured you of a couple of things:

you were in medbay and tucked in a biobed there

your head was dizzy and fuzzy and a strange feeling inside you stirred like a wounded animal

you felt somewhat uneasy but couldn’t possibly put your finger on it

the Q was sitting right next to you, his hands folded as he leant forward to watch you without blinking

For some reason you knew that the uneasiness and restlessness had to do with him. The glint in his eye told you so. An expression settled firmly between morbid interest and downright disgust.

„The fuck are you doing here?“ you muttered and let your head fall back onto the bed. You groaned. „You’re my soulmate.“ he sounded exasperated. „I don’t have a soulmate.“ „You do.“ he insisted and pulled his lips into an expression you had never seen before and couldn’t put anywhere. There was something of a snarl in it. „No.“ you sighed, tired now. „Look, it’s a nonsense symbol.“ „It’s my age.“ You let the moment of silent sit between the two of you. You wanted to call him a liar. Yell at him for playing hurtful games with you. Punch him in the face for the audacity to toy with you in such a manner.

But then you … remembered. Remembered the aeons, the millenia. Space and Time. All of it. Your head began to hurt again. „I don’t know where integrating my memories in your tiny ape brain will lead to …“ he said, more earnest now. „Thanks.“ you muttered while you tried to shut out whatever was bombarding your conscious mind. Your fingers tingled. „It was of course no problem to integrate the meagre years you have lived before.“ „Thanks“ you muttered again, this time more pointedly. How could destiny hate you so much? This - you looked at the dark eyes who stared back at you, the same disbelief in them - thing was to be your soulmate? „What … „ you took a deep breath, too tired to finish the sentence. „I’ll take you to the Continuum.“ it was strange seeing him this somber after his previous antics. And slightly unsettling if you had to be honest with yourself. „Why?“ you blinked. The memories of a lonely existence pushed themselves forward. Thousand of years watching neutrons and protons, observing the beginning and the end. Alone. He didn’t answer. „Do I have a say in this?“ He furrowed his brows ever so slightly. A mocking smile pulled at his lips. „Of course not, my dear.“ he bent over your bed the tips of his fingers grasping your face with utmost care. „You’re beautiful, mon petit cher.“

[secretvixen83]

Quieter Souls

Chakotay felt reenergized after his session using the Akuna. Some questions were answered, while other questions were raised. He was right about his necklace, yes he was right about the glow from the stone. Ironically, he realized that the glowing hue was identical to Kathryn’s eyes. Smiling to himself, he silently wished her “good night”. Crawling into bed himself, he stared at the ceiling. It seemed lighter than it should be and he thought it was odd. He dismissed it though, and rolled to his side, and fell asleep.

He was dreaming. He knew he was, but the smell of  fire still made him jumpy. He was in the cargo bay, and the computer wasn’t responding to his orders. Had Kathryn lost trust in him? Had she removed his status? He turned and looked around him. Fire everywhere. It wasn’t that he had been removed, but that he was trapped, and systems were malfunctioning to stop the fire. He tried to make it to the wall to manually override the computer. As he moved there was a flash, and a massive white fireball knocked him down. The air knocked out of him, he struggled once more to his feet. He wouldn’t die like this, dream or not. Silently, he called on his spirit guide to help him. He looked around again and noticed the flames had changed. They were completely white. Burning yes, but not moving towards him. They stayed static. Not wanting to tempt fate, he began to quickly move to the wall. In front of him a shape suddenly appeared. It was approximately 5ft in stature, maybe more. Pointed ears like an Ocampa, but lanky like an elf. It was almost like a statue but had been painted. He looked at it but was more anxious to handle the flames. Making his way to the wall finally, he pulled open the panel and began redirecting the circuit power. Just when he was ready to give up, the foam shot from the walls at floor level and extinguished the flames.

As the smoke cleared, the statue remained unharmed. He walked towards it and stopped about a foot away when he heard the voice. “This is not Borg space as she thinks.” It hissed. “Beware star seeker, you shall make friend and foe here.” The voice wasn’t scary, it just caught him off guard. As soon as the voice stopped a huge rush of wind seemed to envelope the room, and the statue shattered, then dissolved. Chakotay was picked up in the wind and thrown.

With a jump, Chakotay woke to find himself on the floor in his quarters. Sweating just as if he had gone back to the Holodeck to work out, his shorts clung to his legs, and the heat from his skin radiated out. Slowly getting up, he took a deep breath. The words replayed in his head “Not Borg space, friend and foe”. Chakotay tried to shake himself of the dream and looked at the clock. 0530. Great time to get ready for work. He ate breakfast quickly and replicated coffee. Not for himself, but for her. It wasn’t much, but he would give anything to see the light back in her eyes. The necklace glowed again. As blue as Kathryn’s eyes. Smiling, Chakotay grabbed the coffee cup from the replicator, and headed out the door.

 Kathryn had just passed Chakotay’s door, and he saw her rounding the corner. He carefully trotted to catch up. The light demand on his muscles making them rebel after the workout yesterday. “Kathryn!” He called to her so she would turn. As she did, his heart sped up, and he could feel the stone against his chest cooling rapidly. He could see she hadn’t slept well the night before, and he realized that it bothered him. It never had before. Or was he so dense he had never noticed it? Either way, he was sorry he had never noticed it before now. As he stepped up to her, he took her right hand in his left, and carefully set the coffee cup in her hand. “I thought you might need this before duty.” He said smiling slightly. She looked down at the cup, and back at him. “Thank you.” It was almost a whisper. A weary whisper. He walked with her in silence as she drank, and he realized the stone was colder than usual under his uniform. So cold in fact, it made goosebumps on his skin.

As they made their way onto the bridge, Chakotay felt the shift in her. No personal feelings, only work. Tom caught his eye and gave a questioning look. Chakotay smiled and shook his head, as if to say “It’s nothing.” Kathryn had settled in her chair, still cradling the coffee cup he had given her, and if someone caused her to spill it, Kathryn decided she would probably just eject them into space. She wasn’t showing it, but it touched her deeply that he had used his rations on her. As Kathryn listened to the din surrounding her, she let her mind wander to the place where she kept everything she knew about Audrey’s disappearance. The police seemed to not be willing to help, her mother was crushed, and had blamed herself, Kathryn admitted she just quit feeling after the first 30 days.

Audrey’s father, Shane had been a promising officer at the Academy. Their romance had been a whirlwind. He had turned rogue though and took up a position as a no name Maquis. Kathryn understood the Maquis cause far more than Chakotay would realize. When she found out she was pregnant, she was terrified to tell anyone. Shane found out one night after they had gone dancing, and she fell extremely ill. While being checked out by medical, the truth came to light, and he had asked her; “Is it true Katy? Are you? I mean, are we?” When she had answered in the positive, she was sure he would be enraged. Instead, he swept her up off the bed in his arms and held her tightly. It was the safest she had felt the entire time she had been pregnant. Then came the night when she was seven months 3 weeks along, when the police came to her door with the announcement that Shane was gone. She thought she had lost her soul then but carried on anyway. When Audrey was born, she struggled to find a middle name, and Shane had been adamant that the baby should have a noble, and respectable last name. So, Audrey Shane Janeway was born.

Kathryn jumped as she felt Chakotay’s light touch on her arm. She looked up at him, and knew he saw her tears and pain. Quickly, she blinked them away, as she realized Tuvok had been calling to her concerning an approaching vessel. She went through the motions and could feel Chakotay just over her left shoulder as she stood to listen and speak back to their newly found species. Curious travelers were what they were. No hostility. No war. No fighting. Several times as Chakotay would speak she caught herself looking up and slightly back at him. On purpose, she took half a step back and gently bumped into him. Then as he spoke, she studied his profile. Just looking at this man calmed her. Calmed her, alarmed her, confused her. Running her teeth across her bottom lip, she forced herself to look away from him, and back to the screen. They said their goodbyes to this new species and went on their way. As soon as the screen went back to being just darkness and stars, Kathryn made a subtle break for the Readyroom.

Chakotay watched her go. He wasn’t sure if he should follow. The words from his dream repeated. “This is not Borg space as she thinks.” With that, he handed off command to Tuvok, and followed Kathryn. She was at her desk staring at her computer when he entered. “Captain” he said, and she looked up. Emotionless. That’s how she was looking at him, and it scared him. “I need to talk to you about where we are in the quadrant.” He said, trying to illicit a reaction from her. She blinked and motioned to a chair. “Borg space.” She said as he sat. “We have been through this before.” Her tone was flat, and still emotionless. “I don’t think it’s Borg space we will be entering.” As he said that, there was a flicker in her eyes. Barely. “I am not sure what we will find here, but I doubt it will be Borg.” As he said that, Kathryn’s brow furrowed as she processed what he was saying. “Commander,” She started, as she came around the desk and stood in front of him, leaning her hip on the edge. “What do you base your findings on?” She was curious. Still guarded, still numb, but curious.

He knew how his answer would sound but he had to say it. “A dream after my meditation last night.” He repeated the dream, every part of it. Kathryn listened actively. Again, a flicker, but this time it stayed. When he was done, Kathryn was silent for a minute as she walked to the window. Turning back to face him, she said, “Commander, at this point I say we prepare for Borg—but hope for whatever your dream may mean.” Just then Seven’s voice came over their Combadges. “Captain, Commander, The readings from the probe have returned. There are no Borg in the distances tested.” Seven said in her usual, factual tone. “Very well, Seven, thank you for letting us know. Please ready the probes again to be used in the next couple of days after their data has been loaded into our records.” Chakotay said as he watched Kathryn.

She looked like if she stood still long enough, she would sleep standing up. There was about five feet between them. Kathryn felt as if it could have been a hundred. Chakotay stayed where he was, not wanting to rush or frighten Kathryn. He wanted to hold her. He wanted to smell the intoxicating soap she used, to feel her weight against him. She looked back at him, and then back out the window. He shifted and began to stand. Before he was all the way up she was in front of him. He raised his eyebrows, letting her make the first move. Her gaze said it all. She was tired, hurt, confused, scared, and underneath it all, she trusted him. She reached out her arms to him, and he quickly pulled her to him, kissing her forehead as she let out a sigh. He coaxed her into taking a nap on the couch in her office. Promising her if anything major happened he would wake her. He stayed until she fell asleep. He started to leave, instead he walked to her, kissed her forehead, and sat back down in the chair he had been in, kicked his legs out, leaned back and took a nap along side his Captain. Along side Kathryn.

[pixiedane]

B'elanna/Geordi, for an engineering match made in space!

As I mention here, I really don’t ship Geordi with anyone, and B’Elanna is a character I strongly identify with so this is especially Not My Thing. 

They are both better at engineering than interpersonal relationships, so if it happened I do see it going colleagues to friends to lovers. I feel a lot of things would have to be different in order for it to happen though. 

They meet at a conference where they are both presenting. Post-Voyager, post-Nemesis. Geordi is particularly lonely due to the loss of Data, B’Elanna is having more trouble adjusting to life in the AQ than she wants to admit. She doesn’t know where she fits in. On Earth things are stable and she has time to think, which makes it harder because she hasn’t had that in….ever? She’s married into Starfleet royalty and has a kid, none of which she ever imagined, and she’s overwhelmed. Chakotay is teaching. Tom followed Janeway to the admiralty, works as her aide. B’Elanna works with Harry at HQ – a temporary assignment but one that doesn’t seem to have an end date, and he figures out she’s spiraling and suggests the conference. Discussing robotics with peers, as opposed to dealing with Starfleet regulations, her new extended family, and a toddler, will be good for her. 

Post presentations they end up at a bar, both avoiding the crowd, and start to discuss their work. They disagree about something, and their conversation gets very heated. Eventually B’Elanna’s like, I came here to relax! and storms off and Geordi runs after her and apologizes and wants to make it up to her, and she’s like it’s fine, but I want to be alone, and Geordi says, I don’t. And there’s something in the way he says it that makes her pause and he says Data was supposed to be here with him, and B’Elanna’s like UGH I don’t want this but Tom, Chakotay, Harry, Janeway, Tuvok…everyone would stay so she stays. 

They get a booth in the back and order food. Geordi doesn’t want to talk about Data so they talk about Voyager. B’Elanna opens up to him as she hasn’t to anyone since she got back. Sometimes a stranger is easier to talk to. She starts slow, but she’s really needed this, and eventually she’s admitting – upon threat of dismemberment should he repeat it to anyone – that she hates Earth and misses the Delta Quadrant. Voyager, while lost, was the only place she ever felt she belonged. She has a great life and she should be happy but she’s not. She’s lonely and angry and resentful and ashamed. 

And Geordi doesn’t know what to do with this, but he does his best to be supportive. And it is fumbling and awkward and B’Elanna says Ha ha, you remind me of Harry. And Geordi looks blank and B’Elanna starts telling him how Harry has been so great, and so has Geordi, and they should be friends, maybe even date that would be cute. She’s a little loopy at this point. And Geordi is all, Ha ha, thanks I guess? But if I was gonna date anyone on Voyager it would be you! And she’s like whoa boundaries, don’t make this weird! And he says Sorry! And they start to laugh in order not to cry but it doesn’t work and then they are both simultaneously laughing and crying in a corner booth of some hotel bar surrounded by their peers and they run away and Geordi doesn’t know where to go, just that they need to escape, and they end up in his room. 

B’Elanna collapses on his bed. Geordi paces in a tizzy. He has a probably drunk, definitely depressed, married, klingon half-sobbing in his bed? He gets her a drink of water. B’Elanna sits up to drink it and meets his eyes over the glass and says, You know if I wanted to ruin my perfect life sleeping with you would be one way to do it. And Geordi’s like …..??? And a tear slips out of her eye and Geordi swallows and says, I think we should call Harry. And B’Elanna nods and curls into a ball and Geordi asks the computer to locate Harry Kim and tells him, um, I’m with Lt. Torres and she kind of had a breakdown and Harry’s been expecting this tbh and he arrives asap. 

And Harry gathers her up and says he’s here to help and everything will be fine now, and B’Elanna agrees to go with him. Harry thanks Geordi and then B’Elanna tells him, hey I still want to hear about Data, and also I have some ideas about synthetic synapses I want to run by you and Geordi is amazed that after all that she remembers? And she hugs him and he whispers, Boundaries, and she laughs. She goes home and tells Harry the truth, and Tom, and things get better. 

She contacts Geordi a few weeks later and they meet for lunch and talk about synthetic synapses and they start to collaborate and become good friends. Eventually Geordi and Harry start dating, and they are godparents to Miral’s little brother. 

Send me a ship and I’ll give you my (brutally) honest opinion on it /write a scenario

[fbismostunwanted1158]

Nine Months (NC17)

Chapter 3. Longest f’ing chapter of the whole thing so far...

Month Two: Sacred Ground

The Magistrate’s lack of answers did nothing to settle the already hostile state of Kathryn’s stomach. Something needed to be done, and soon. She couldn’t bear the thought of losing Kes, not like this. Reflecting on the information Neelix had provided, she decided that, like King Nevad, she refused to accept Kes’ ‘death sleep’. The pressure of her epiphany caused the waves of nausea to crest and crash into her with full force.

Flying out from behind her desk, she barely made it to the sink basin before reliving, what appeared to be, everything she had eaten since being stranded in the Delta Quadrant. She could make out the sound of an override code being entered into her Ready Room door.

“Kathryn?”

The deep timber of her first officer’s voice traveled over the sound of her retching in the small private bathroom.

The warmth of his hands seeped through the layers of clothing as he massaged at her lower back and gathered the loosened hair out of the way. Tears stung at her eyes as the gagging slowly subsided. She was gently guided back into the room and gently deposited on her couch. She felt bereft during his momentary distance as he replicated a glass of water.

“Have you been to see the Doctor? I know he’s busy with Kes, but I’m been worried about you.”

Kathryn sighed into the glass, taking an experimental drink, and shook her head. He lowered himself onto the couch close to her. She leaned into his space and he brought an arm around her shoulders and pulled her body to his. His hand massaged at the muscles of her arm; her eyes slipped closed.

“There has to be a way, Chakotay. These monks, their body has an immunity. Somehow, this ‘ritual’ changes the chemical makeup of--,” she stopped short as bile began to rise in her throat once more.

Two strong arms hauled her to her feet and practically carried her back to the bathroom. He grimaced as her dry heaving turned to exhausted moans of pain. His concern skyrocketed as he felt the racing of her pulse beneath the tender skin of her wrist.

“I have to help her. Beam to the planet, gather data for the Doctor to find a cure for Kes. I’m going--,” his hand on her chin halted her train of thought.

“Kathryn! You can barely stand. Let alone experience the rigors of a spiritual journey. Exactly what is it that you hope to accomplish?”      

Her features grew hard and the ‘Captain’ resurfaced. She pushed her way from his embrace and staggered back to sit at her desk.

“If you’re asking whether I expect to speak to the Ancestral Spirits—no, of course not. But, something happens to the monks when they go through the ritual, something that allows them to enter the biogenic field, and I intend to find out exactly what that is. It might provide clues to a treatment.”

A small painful burp caused her to grimace. He gave a deep sigh and moved to sit across from her, his hands folded tensely in his lap. He knew that point of attempting to talk her out of the decision was moot.

“We’ll have to find a way for the Doctor to monitor your physical condition, and you should have a way to call for an emergency beam-out if you need it, as a precaution,” he added the final thought to appease the tiresome look she gave him.

“We just don’t have any idea of what the ritual entails. And if you’re already ill, I don’t feel comfortable sending you down there.”

She rolled her eyes and he noted the small wince she gave, as the gesture must have intensified her dizziness. Kathryn pursed her lips and pinched the bridge of her nose.

“I know that you are concerned for my well-being, and frankly, I’m a bit apprehensive myself. But, we’re running out of time. Test of endurance or not, I need that information. Whatever the explanation may be, spiritual, scientific, or otherwise; that does not matter. Right now, a member of my crew is dying.”

Their gaze was locked in an intense battle of the wills. A page to her combadge interrupted their standoff.

“Bridge to the Captain.”

“Go ahead, Ensign.”

“The magistrate has informed us that the council has approved your request to perform the ritual. You are expected on the surface at sunset.”

“Thank you. Please inform the Doctor that I will require his expertise.”

“Aye, Captain.”

“Janeway out.”

Chakotay could not hide the trepidation that sunk like a rock in the pit of his stomach. Kathryn looked horrible, and he had a feeling she was only going to get worse.

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

“Everything seems to be working. The subdermal bioprobe will transmit any changes in your biochemistry. It also acts as a homing beacon, if you are in need of assistance, simply treat it as a combadge and you will be beamed out.”

Kathryn could only nod her head in assent, fatigue had seeped into her bones. She did her best to mask her discomfort, not about to give Chakotay any reason to keep her in sickbay. Although, she’d give anything to have the room stop spinning.

“Thank you. Here’s hoping that I uncover some answers,” she stood slowly from the biobed and cleared her throat.

“One to beam to the surface.”

And with that, she disappeared.

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

“Her respiration and pulse have remained steady. But, there’s been a gradual buildup of lactic acid in her extensor muscles over the last hour. And here,” he paused, examining the readout, “something else that the sensors haven’t quite deciphered yet.”

Chakotay followed closely as the EMH adjusted the settings and sensitivity of the probe. The Doctor’s slowly widening eyes elevated his blood pressure.

“What does that mean? Is she in danger?”

“N-not at all. She’s probably experiencing some light strain. What you’d expect in an endurance ritual. The troubling discovery here are the clearly elevated levels of hCG present in the captain’s body. How could I have missed this?”

“Is that something that would suggest a treatment for Kes?”

Chakotay, again, trailed in the Doctor’s wake as he shakily sat down behind his desk shaking his head; suddenly engrossed in his computer screen.

“Not…exactly.”

The intimidating look that Chakotay pinned the hologram with could have vaporized a Klingon warrior in an instant.  

“I don’t suppose you’d settle for: ‘Doctor/Patient confidentiality’?”

The Commander’s continued silence answered the question for him.

“Alright. Well, if you must know. It appears that the captain is pregnant. According to these readings, conception took place approximately...eight and a half weeks ago.”

Both men froze as their minds raced back in time; Chakotay numbly braced himself on the edge of the desk.

“New Earth,” the commander’s whisper confirmed the Doctor’s speculations.

“Yes. Of course. When the Captain returns, I’d better check on the rest of your inoculations. The both of you. Who knows what else that virus rendered inactive. I believe ‘congratulations’ are in order then, Commander,” he attempted a small smile to assuage some of the obvious terror radiating from his commanding officer.

“Are the stresses she’s experiencing going to put her or the pregnancy at risk?”

The Doctor paused, formulating the correct phrasing to approach him with.

“Would I have allowed her to go down to the planet had I been aware she was pregnant? Probably not. Could I have stopped her? Most certainly not. Will she be in danger? Only time can tell. All we can do is wait and hope that she uncovers something to help Kes. I would hate for all of this to be for naught,” Chakotay sank down to sit on the edge of the desk. The Doctor’s words fading in and out of focus.

Pregnant. In about seven months, they would have a baby. If she came back from this. If nothing happened after that. What about when the baby was born? What if there were an attack? A kidnapping?

Suddenly, the image of an alien race holding the captain’s child for ransom sprung into his mind. He already worried enough about Kathryn. He didn’t think his heart could take it. The Delta Quadrant was a horrible place. Who was he to bring a child into this hostile environment?

A flashing tricorder brought Chakotay back to the present. The EMH was practically shouting in his face.

“Commander! There you are! I was sure that I had lost you,” he continued to run the sensor over his body, “Get some rest. Breathe a little deeper. And just take things one step at a time. I will keep you privy to the Captain’s condition.”

Chakotay shot the Doctor a withering glance and the hologram raised his hands in apology.

“I am relieving you of duty. I will page you, should anything change,” the Commander sighed and mumbled something as he passed the EMH and headed through the doors.

­­*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*

“Commander Chakotay, you are needed in sickbay.”

Tuvok’s voice over the combadge snapped him out of his sleep. Still on his couch, report in hand, Chakotay cleared his throat and tapped at his chest.

“On my way. Chakotay out.”

­­­*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

He paced back and forth, his rage barely containable. The Doctor knew for certain the reason for his behavior, all the while Tuvok raised an inquisitive eyebrow at his First Officer’s unprofessional behavior.

“It’s been three days since she had any sleep! How long are we going to let her go through this?”

Chakotay turned to the Vulcan, intense eyes demanding an answer. Not receiving one, the Doctor reluctantly cut in.

“I understand your concern, Commander. But the fact is that her vital signs are stable. She seems to be in no immediate danger,” the EMH shrunk back into his seat as Chakotay leaned over the console, face set in a deadly glare.

“She’s been poisoned with some unknown toxin. It may be having an effect that we can’t gauge. It could lie dormant for a few days and then suddenly fluctuate and kill her in minutes,” Tuvok took an immediate step back as Chakotay hurled the padd that he had been holding across the room.

“It is possible that some of the Commander’s concern may be justified. Is there anything which might be preventing her from using the homing signal in her implant?”

The security officer did his best to renationalize the extreme emotions that were radiating from his distressed colleague.  

“Not that I am aware of. She’s fully conscious. If she wanted to transport, she could signal us. I am not about to pull the Captain out unless I am absolutely sure that she is in danger. I am getting some remarkable data. This amino acid is occurring due to the breakdown of the toxin in her bloodstream. I believe this is it. What we’ve been searching for,” the Doctor spoke mostly to Tuvok, finding it difficult to concentrate under Chakotay’s intense glare.

“So, does this mean that you can form a cure for Kes from this data alone,” the Commander stepped closer into the hologram’s space.

“I strongly suspect that this biochemical change is going to give us the answers we need,” a tense pause fell over the men. Tuvok examined the situation and then broke the silence.

“Commander, it is ultimately your decision. However, I believe it would be the Captain’s desire to complete the ritual.”

Chakotay shook his head and grumbled.

“Alright. We’ll leave her there for now. But I’m not moving from this monitor until she gets back.”

With a nod of assent, Tuvok exited the room. Stern eyes turned on the EMH.

“Will the toxin kill the fetus,” exhaustion and a hint of sadness creeped into Chakotay’s voice.

Both men stared blankly at the readouts on the screen.

“As of now, I cannot provide you with an answer. But, I assure you. She is in no distress; and I will do a full and complete workup when she returns to the ship.”

The Doctor turned to see a figure quickly moving out the door.

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

Chakotay sprinted down the corridor as he slid to a stop in front of the sickbay doors. They opened, only to reveal Kathryn clutching a basin, moaning through a horrible episode of dry heaves.

“Damn it, Kathryn!”

He rushed to her side as the EMH appeared with a series of hyposprays. After what seemed to be hours, Kathryn weakly brought her face up to meet her Commander’s.

“Hey there. The Doctor informed me that I’m going to need some extra space in my quarters soon,” the attempt at humor was thinly veiled as her smirk quickly morphed into trembling sorrow.

Chakotay took the basin from her and gathered her shaking body into his arms. He whispered comforts to her and gently rocked back and forth as she sobbed into his chest. The Doctor finished his tests and silently affirmed that everything was alright.

He slowly brought his lips to her forehead, resting them there, waiting for her breathing to return to normal.

“When will he begin treating Kes,” she rested heavily against him as her words slurred together.

“Almost immediately. The toxin was the key. You made it through for her. Kes will be alright. And…our baby will be alright.”

He felt her stiffen slightly with his last assuring statement. Fatigue winning out, she relaxed into him once more.

“You need food, water, and rest. I’m going to take you to my quarters to watch over you tonight, and I won’t take ‘no’ for an answer,” she sighed and wrapped her arms around his neck.

“You’ll get no argument from me,” her voice muffled by the material of his uniform, “I just want my stomach to stop churning.”

“I can give you something to relieve the nausea. It won’t rid you entirely of it, although it will make life more bearable. A diet change would be wise, but we will save that discussion for your follow up appointment,” the Doctor pressed one final hypospray to her neck before returning to his office.

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*

Chakotay had almost succeeded in coaxing Kathryn to bed when her combadge called her to sickbay. As luck would have it, Tuvok paged him to the Bridge, before he could follow her down the corridor.  

Sensors were detecting a fluctuation in the energy signature that they had studied from the altar down on the planet. Damn. What did it all mean? Why couldn’t anything be simple here in the Delta Quadrant?

He had asked that question once at a senior staff meeting. Kathryn’s dancing eyes had met his and she sprung from her seat, clasping him on the shoulder.  

“Now, where would the fun be in that,” her singsong reply brought laughter to the whole table.

His reverie was interrupted by the lack of Kathryn Janeway as he entered sickbay.

“Where is she and why hasn’t Kes’ condition changed?”

The EMH swiftly moved back and forth around the biobed. Doing his best not to be disrupted by the irritated man that had just entered the room.

“The treatment is not having the desired effect. I’m not quite sure where the Captain has gone, I have been working on altering the toxin and attempting a second procedure.”

Chakotay had strode out the door before the Doctor could finish his report.

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

He had been on nearly every deck. The mess hall, back to the Bridge, back to their quarters; she was nowhere to be found.

“Janeway to Chakotay.”

“Captain we’ve been worried about you.”

“I’m all right. I want you to beam Kes down here to the sanctuary.”

“Kathryn, what are you doing?”

“Chakotay, please. Just do it. That’s an order.”

“Acknowledged. I’ll bring her down myself. Chakotay to Sickbay. Doctor, prepare Kes for transport.”

“Understood.”

An unshakable feeling of uneasiness settled over Chakotay. Whatever happened, he just prayed to the Spirits to protect them all.

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*

“The Doctor says that her life signs are deteriorating, he almost wouldn’t let us out of Sickbay. Kathryn, what are you going to do?”

She wouldn’t look him in the eye. The uneasiness intensified.

“Kath-, “she held up a hand to stop him.

“I’m taking her back into the biogenic field,” Chakotay’s heart sank.

“Why,” Neelix pled.

“I believe it will save her life,” all of Kathryn’s focus remained on Kes.

“Kathryn…you’ve been through a lit in the past few days--,” he wished she would just look him in the eyes.

“I know what I’m doing.”

“Are you sure of that? There are 800 megajoules of energy running through that field. There’s no telling what would happen if you went through it. Take some time to think about this and we’ll run a few more scans,” with that she looked right at him.

“No.”

She pushed past him to get to Kes. All he could do was stand by and watch as the mother of his child carried Kes’ lifeless body up to the shrine.

Sending up silent prayers of protection, he held his breath as a surge of energy burst around the two women. His body was ready to sprint at a moment’s notice, when he heard Kathryn calling to Kes.

Neelix and Chakotay both let out a sigh of relief as Kes’ small reply floated across the cave. Chakotay met them at the bottom of the steps and carried Kes the rest of the way to the bed.

“Chakotay to the Doctor, beam up Kes and Neelix.”

“Yes, Commander.”

Chakotay waited for the transport to complete before turning back to Kathryn, who looked ready to collapse at any second. He caught her just as she went down and pulled her up against his chest. Her breathing was slow and even, no immediate concern there.

“Chakotay to Voyager. Two to beam directly to the Captain’s quarters.”

“Aye, sir.”

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

She stirred as they approached her bed. He laid her down and sat next to her hip. Weary eyes followed his movements as he slipped the sandals from her feet.

“What—I, never mind. I’m far too tired to have this conversation tonight,” he sighed and hung his head in defeat. He turned to see tears rolling down Kathryn’s pale face.

“I can’t do this, Chakotay. I’m not ready for this. How do I even--? What if something were to--,” he silenced her with a chaste kiss to the lips.

Standing and removing his boots, he climbed into the bed beside her. She instantly molded to his side and he cradled her there.

“I had all of the same doubts and fears. Someone told me to ‘get some rest, breathe a little deeper, and take things one step at a time’. I found it to be sound advice. I say we take it and discuss things when you’re feeling better,” she sighed at the feeling of a tender kiss being dropped on the top of her head.

“Chakotay?”

“Hmmm?”

“I-I love you.”

He smiled and squeezed her a bit tighter.

“I love you too. Always.”

[impalaanddemons]

Ad Astra - Chapter 2

A/N: Keva has a very bad day Story: Keva Scofield is a young member of the relatively fresh Department of Temporal Investigations and prides herself in being a temporal agent. She is sent with Junior Agent Lorilee, temporal agent in training, to investigate the destruction of the freighter Mercury and the vanishing of its Captain and First Officer. It is there at a time rift she makes first contact with an entity that calls itself Q. around 3500 words This Chapter is on Ao3

Chapter 1

Chapter 2: Unless acted upon by another Force

Uneasiness became fright at the look of his wicked smile. Fright became fear at the whisper of his voice. Fear became terror at the inevitable.

Gravity gripped down at her body. A force that clenched down on her flesh, crushing and squeezing until she howled with pain - tears streamed down her contorted face, teeth bared in pain and hate and utter terror. Something poured liquid lead into her mouth. The rift burned as it swallowed her whole. It bit down on her, chew, ground her body with forces that were never meant for a human to be endured in just a suit. The gravity well of the temporal rift crushed her bones. The rift and darkness swallowed her, eradicating what it meant to feel warmth and light and human touch. She screamed and whimpered and begged, defenselessly tossed around by an uncaring universe. And then, mercifully, thankfully, graciously - she lost her consciousness, surrounded by nothing at all.

Her temporal tricorder blinked red.

Stardate: Unknown

Gravity was a curious thing. It was the great actor of the universe. That what was and moved and caught and let go. In sufficiently empty space anything could be enough mass to attract another object. Be it an asteroid on it’s lonely journey through the universe, or a lost human in it’s space suit. Kevas Life support systems were glowing orange with the soft hum of an early oxygen alert. Were the inhabitant of the suit awake, she would have been able to read instructions on getting back to the nearest shuttle immediately to replenish her oxygen reserves. But Keva Scofield was unconscious, mind and body exhausted and twisted from a trip no human should have survived. Yet, here she was - one object among million floating in endless space. Lost and forgotten to humanity. Only attracted by the next source of mass, like any other object. Driftwood in an ocean designed to kill her. Sooner or later.

She would have died - forgotten and frozen for future explorers to find her, nothing more then a footnote in the books of history - if she hadn’t been dropped in this particular part of space, at this particular moment. She would’ve died if the rift had transported her there two weeks earlier - or two weeks later. She would’ve died in any other part of the delta quadrant.

But here at this time and place she showed up as a blip on the sensors of an Intrepid Class starship. The ship was nearly as lost as she was, thrown into this part of the galaxy by chance and bad luck. Ensign Harry Kim at first thought the blip was just a fidget of his mind, an imagination brought upon by lack of sleep or something he ate at Neelix’ canteen. „Captain, short range scanners have registered an organic object.“ „Really?“ Janeways voice perked curiously at the notion. „Ensign, run a deep scan on the object.“ Turning her head to her number one she smiled an agitated smile. „A mystery. How Lovely.“ „Second scan …“ Kim did not finish his sentence. Instead he stopped himself, did a double take at the results and only then spoke again: „Permission to run a third scan for confirmation, Captain.“ „Ensign Kim, please report and rerun second scan for confirmation.“ she commanded raising her eyebrows ever so slightly. „It’s… I’m sorry Captain, but sensors confirm the presence of a humanoid floating in space approximately one hundred clicks ahead of us.“ A murmur rose on the bridge, ebbed from Ensign Kim away much like the tide and came to a sudden end when the Voyagers Captain rose her voice again. „Ensign send coordinates to the transporter room.“, she touched a button on her commanding chair. „Transport room, are the coordinates I just send you within range?“ A moment of silent followed. Swift fingers scurried over control panels and recalculated energy output, distance, guessed the approximate weight of the object before answering.

„We can beam aboard, Captain.“ - that was B’elanna Torres voice. Sharp and all business. „Prepare for transport in one minute.“, Captain Janeway touched another button on the display of her chair. „Bridge to Sickbay, prepare for emergency transport of unknown humanoid and medical assistance.“ „Aye, Captain“ - it was Kes, gentle and soft immediately mediating the Captains message to the Doctor. Expectant eyes lay on Janeways back. She felt the tense atmosphere on the bridge. Every day another adventure, she thought. Whatever they encountered here, whatever they found - they could never be sure if it would prove a simple distraction or a direct threat to the ships and crews safety. „Transporter room to bridge, we are ready for transport. Class two containment field is in place.“ „Beam abord, Lieutenant Torres.“

Silence fell in the transporter room when the object was beamed aboard. Janeways voice had to pierce through the confused haze that had befallen the crew in engineering twice before B’elanna managed to answer her. „I’m initiating an emergency transport to sickbay, Captain. It’s … you better have a look for yourself.“ „Quite a mystery“, Janeway said as she got up. „Number One, you come with me. Tuvok you have the bridge.“

The Doctor and Kes were already at work when Janeway and Chakotay arrived in sickbay. The captain immediately felt her brows furrow in confusion - much like the expression of her Number One. „Now, what do we say to that?“ „You know what I have to say about chance, Captain“, muttered the dark haired man, his eyes practically glued to the form in front of them. „Doctor?“ Janeway lifted her voice and the medical hologram didn’t even bother looking up from his patient. „All our scans confirm her as a female human.“ he simply stated. „I assume that you will want to keep her equipment for scan and research?“ „You assume correctly, Doctor.“ Janeway answered. She would’ve sounded bemused were it not for the figure on the biobed before her - the spacesuit she wore was not old-fashioned, it was antiquated. She had seen a thing like that in starfleet academy archives. And the women within. She sure wore a uniform of the United Federation, but the overall impression was that of a person that had stepped right out of a holo novel. The Doctor transported the body of the human out of her suit onto another biobed. His assistance began immediately to carefully remove the clothes from her body.

„She looks bad“, sad Chakotay close to Janeways right side and she nodded along in confirmation of his assessment. The body in front of them was covered in bruises - dark blue and red splotches on her skin, almost giving the impression of someone only related to modern humans. Where she was not bruised, petechia covered her, giving the distinct impression of her skin glowing. Her right ankle was twisted in an unnatural angle and dried blood covered her face and had her short hair in dirty tangles. The list of visible injuries didn’t end there - in short, she was in a miserable condition. „Can you say what has happened to her, Doctor?“ „Massive trauma“, he answered - which was more then a bit vague. „I must confess I am not quite sure what would cause such a massive trauma. Her body must have endured extreme pressure.“ he continued calmly while directing Kes at the same time. „It will take a few days, but I expect her to make full recovery.“ was his last addition after which he focused back on his patient. "Looks like we’ll have to quell our curiosity for just a few days more. Mr. Paris will collect the suit and her equipment later, he has a knack for antiques. Maybe he can tell us more.“

It was loud outside her mind. She didn’t want to wake, not yet. As soon as she had passed out what was left of her awareness had fled from terror and pain into the relative comfort of her memories. She was sitting on a large boulder, overlooking a red skyline with Junior Agent Lorilee at her side. Silver trees littered the horizon. Were they on a training trip? She couldn’t say with certainty. But the lights and the voices outside her mind were so loud, so intrusive, diluting the peace of her deep sleep. Maybe she was dead. Maybe she was hallucinating her last seconds, her scared consciousness stretching moments into eternity to avoid the inevitable.

„Elevated alpha waves indicate she’ll awake within the next few minutes.“ „We’ll learn more about our mysterious Jane Doe.“ Two male voices, discussing. One of them very matter-of-factly, the other almost … cheerful. And a female voice, one that demanded respect, a dark timbre in contrast to everyone else. Keva shifted slightly. A faint trace of pain shot through her leg and she groaned. Could she be alive? There was no way she could have survived that and yet … here she seemed to be. Surrounded by voices and light and life. „Gentleman, give her room to wake up. Everyone that is not my Number One, Tom Paris and the sickbay crew is dismissed.“ So a ship had picked her up. Her mind started to pick up speed. Slowly. Very slowly in fact, but better then never again. „Her breathing indicates that she is awake.“ „Thank you, Doctor.“ the female voice said, maybe a notch too pointedly. Feet shuffled in the background. God, it was so bright. Carefully, slowly she pried her eyes open, lifted her right hand in an attempt to block out the light. Another moan escaped her mouth involuntarily. Every muscles hurt and ached as if she’d run a marathon that had ended with her in a junk press. How was she alive. That was impossible. A gross violation of the laws of physic. Her eyes took their sweet time to adapt to their surroundings and she blinked for a long moment until the shapes and colors in front of her fell into a sensible form. There was a woman in a red uniform - a sleek design, fitted tightly around her slender body. Next to her a man with short black hair, a tattoo covered part of his face and his inquiring eyes followed every moment closely. He stood close to the woman. Kevas gaze hovered further - another man, clad in a blue uniform of the same design, almost bald and checking the readings on what was perhaps a PADD. Her doctor, she thought. Next to her bed was another woman - a small delicate creature maybe a head shorter then Keva herself was. Something about her was odd and she made a mental note to enquire about her species later. Maybe some Vulcan hybrid. Lastly there was another man - taller then the other two with light blond hair and a confident, no, cocky expression to himself. She blinked a few more times, looking back to the woman who had her arms crossed in front of her chest, head cocked lightly in an expression of restrained curiosity.

„Welcome back to the living and aboard the USS Voyager.“ her voice was pleasant to listen to, if a bit unusual at first. It was a voice that was used to the burden of command and it made her feel at safety almost immediately. Starfleet, the young agent concluded and suppressed a groan. „USS Voyager…“ Kevas voice croaked hoarsely. She coughed a few times and almost at once the petite young woman handed her a glass of water, which she eagerly drank.„I am Captain Janeway. My Number One - Chakotay and Mr. Paris. The Doctor and Kes have been attending to your health over the last week.“ Keva nodded to each of them, only pondered a second over the  strange introduction as ‚The Doctor‘ and then looked around some more. Everything was off. Uncertainty settled in her gut. Everything here was polished. The uniforms strange. Had she been picked up by an experimental vessel? „Is this …“ the young woman stopped herself to remind herself of manners. „I am sorry, Captain. I am Keva Scofield.“ she said then and offered a weak smile as an excuse for her near Faux Pas. Should she disclose her affiliation just yet? She couldn’t remember protocol. Everything she knew and held dear was still in that heavy fog surrounding her. „It is our pleasure to have made your acquaintance.“ the Captain smiled kindly in return. It was almost motherly. „I am sorry to intrude upon your ship and have taken up a place in your sickbay.“ Keva continued, now very careful, her eyes once more wandering through the unsettling room. Everything was off just enough to make her wonder. „Are you…“ taking a deep breath, she collected herself once more. It was difficult to decide which question to forward first. „Can you provide me with a secure channel to federation headquarters?“ she then asked and provided her most convincing smile. „I’ll gladly explain everything afterwards.“

There was little more as unsettling as a group of people exchanging knowing glances without being part of said group. The woman actually sat down on the edge of her bed now, her grey eyes searching Kevas face with caution. „I am afraid that won’t be possible, Mrs. Scofield.“ „Agent.“, the young woman snapped and almost immediately regretted it. There was no reason to be irritated at the Captain, she told herself. „It’s .. Agent Scofield, Captain.“ Great. Another starfleet captain with whom she was off to a very good start. Before the captain, or anyone else really, could open their mouth she spoke up once more: „Captain, are you on a five year mission? Where is the next communication relay?“ „Relays?“ the tall young man muttered under his breath, just loud enough for Keva to hear. „There is no contact to the Federation or Starfleet command. It must sound strange to you, but we are stranded in the Delta Quadrant.“ Keva blinked once. Keva blinked twice. Stupefied silence was all that left her lips. The delta quadrant? Impossible. „Delta“, she muttered then and eyed them all once more, with more suspicion then before. The hair, the uniforms, the room that was somehow off. Her breath quickened enough for the Doctor to look over to her. „This must be very difficult for you to process.“ the Captain continued with a soft voice. „Delta Quadrant.“, the agent muttered once more, pressing her lips together until all that remained was a thin white line. She drew a couple of heavy breaths through her nose. „Doctor, her heart rate is elevated, oxygen levels are dropping.“ Kes whispered to the Doctor, her face concerned now. Keva took another deep breath, her nostrils flaring. „Captain… starfleet has not advanced to the Delta quadrant.“ And then she looked around again and slowly the pieces of this puzzle fell into place. It struck her, right into the chest, like a phaser hitting her in full force. „Keva… what stardate is right now?“ the woman with the grey eyes didn’t even mind the use of her first name right now. The young agent knew what was coming next. She dreaded it. „Doctor…“ the blonde alien began again, but the Doctor lifted his hand to cut her off, shaking his head. He knew and monitored the castaway closely. Keva drew on her training. Deep breaths. Counting. Her hands shook and before she could do something about it the older woman put a hand on her shoulder. The weight of it was comforting. Anchoring her in reality. „It’s August the 15th.“ Another deep breath. „2271. A tuesday.“ Another exchange of looks between the group. How far uptime was she? Ten years? Twenty? The Doctor walked over to them. God, they knew. They knew. She looked up into the Captains eyes, into those warm eyes, barely hiding the pity she felt for her. She counted to four while breathing in. Held for a second. Waiting for the final blow. And then slowly counted to eight while breathing out again. „I am so sorry … Agent.“ the Captain paused for a second. Sorry. She wanted to spew the word back to the captain, but what had that woman done to her? No. It was a job hazard. Came with the description of her position. Thirty years? The thought crossed her anxious mind completely uninvited. „But the current year is 2372.“ A hundred years.

„Oh.“ she could feel her heart skip a beat. „Do you remember what happened?“ A hundred years uptime. Scofield burst into a humorless barking laughter that nobody joined into. The contraction of her muscles was painful to endure and tears welled up in her eyes, real but involuntarily. She was temporally displaced. No. Not only that. She stopped laughing as suddenly as she had started and looked into all those concerned faces around her. The pain that lingered in her bones and muscles despite the medication she had undoubtedly received felt strangely real and comforting. She was also displaced in the most traditional sense of the word - completely cut off from her friends and family, from her home, her planet - her quadrant even. A hundred fucking years uptime. Still owing the Captain an answer, she began to explain. „I am from the Federation Department of Temporal Investigation.“ A few eyebrows were raised, which was oddly reassuring as it probably meant that the DTI was still kicking about. „Me and my partner were sent out to investigate a time rift a few parsec from vulcan space. The freighter mercury was destroyed and it’s Captain and First Officer were missing.“ She carefully watched the expression of her listeners, but nobody seemed to recognize the name mercury. Which probably meant that they were displaced somewhere else. An unstable rift? She filed the information back for later, threw that bit onto the ever growing pile of thoughts demanding a closer inspection. „I collected the telemetry logs from mercury and then went out to … deploy the monitoring drones to get chronitonic readings on the rift.“ „You got too close to the gravity well of the rift?“ the tall blonde asked, a little bit too eager for her taste. Keva gasped, as if she just remembered herself, feeling the shock once again. „I was pushed.“ The Doctor cleared his throat pointedly. „Pushed?“ Chakotay raised his voice now in surprise. „Pushed“ confirmed the agent once again and rubbed her temples. „By a man. There was a man on the ship.“ The Doctor cleared his throat once more. "I think it is time for my patient to rest.“ he put a heavy emphasis on the ‚I think‘. The captain rose from Kevas bed unwillingly. „Yes, I think that should be enough for today. Tomorrow…“ she exchanged a look with the Doctor. „I’ll be back tomorrow. Rest well, Agent Scofield. If you have any questions … we’ll answer all your questions tomorrow.“ The Doctor scooted them all out of her room now, looking thoroughly disapproving of the whole situation and the additional stress everyone had put his patient under. But Keva Scofield had already fallen back into a deep, dreamless sleep. A hundred years.

„Mr. Paris.“ prompted Janeway once they were outside. „I understand you had no luck in extracting any information from her equipment?“ „It was pretty beat up, Captain.“ he shrugged apologetically. „Which does not surprise me any more, to be honest with you.“ „Hm.“ Janeway nodded and glanced over to Chakotay who seemed to be waiting for her to make a decision. „Go over her equipment again with Lieutenant Torres. See what you can salvage. I have a feeling we’re not through yet.“ „I will get right to work.“ With Mr. Paris gone, Chakotay seized his captain up once more. „You think someones intervening here?“ She nodded grimly. „She’s from a hundred years in the past. And conveniently drops in the delta quadrant right in scanner range? A little too convenient for my taste.“ „You’re right“ he conceded. They both walked down to the bridge in silence for a moment. „This is going to be tough for her. Keva. She looks like she's barely out of her twenties.“ The dark haired man sounded thoughtful. „We'll have to be gentle.“ Janeway bowed her head in agreement, sounding equally thoughtful. „How should we tell the crew?“ She turned her head to look at him. „We had Tom in the room and nothing was declared confidential yet.“ Chakotay mused. „If you don’t intervene, Neelix will want to interview her for his news program come tomorrow morning.“ The captain chuckled at the thought. „We should prevent that.“ „Yes. Yes we should.“ Both laughed for a moment and then entered the bridge.

„Tuvok, to my ready room please. Chakotay, take the bridge.“

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Melody

Okay. This creation of mine has been beating me over the head. It’s titled ‘Melody’ because it’s an extension on the episode ‘Counterpoint’. Original, I know. lol. 

I need some input. I’ve already had help from the lovely @supernovacoffee (greatly appreciated). I’m not exactly sure where to take things. I’m not sure if the dialogue and actions quite fit our Captain and Commander. 

Let me know in the comments below! Good or bad! Anything! Send me a message, whatever you feel. I am a rookie seeking guidance from anyone and everyone. :D 

WARNING: It is NOT finished and has NOT been Beta’d. It has language and may contain triggers. It is angst filled and ridiculous. Thanks. 

             The Devore warships left Voyager at a standstill in their wake. Sounds of Mahler the only sound left after all was said and done. Chakotay, first to enter the Bridge, found Kathryn seated at his command post. Her legs crossed in their usual manner, protective arm folded across her abdomen, and a hand played pensively at her mouth.

               He didn’t think it possible that she could tuck herself into the chair any further, as if it were her own personal shield. Kashyk must have made her sit and watch in humiliation as he ‘took command’ of Voyager. Smug bastard.

               He approached to comment on their successful deception and was halted by her unsettling mask of, what seemed to be, indifference. Kathryn was lightyears away. She seemed to pay no mind to his presence; another troubling behavior. He cleared his throat.

                 Her head slowly turned up to meet his gaze and it pierced his heart. Unshed tears pooled at her lower lashes, the muscles around her mouth twitched with the rigor of holding such a tight rein on her outward expression. Her face could lie, but the torment he saw behind it spoke many truths.

               “Computer, terminate audio playback,” the music stopped at her clipped command. Her eyes bore into his, attempting to translate what her voice couldn’t convey.  

               “Kathryn. What did--,” his hushed query was interrupted by the remaining senior officers filtering onto the Bridge.

               “So good that the enemies just walk out on their own now, huh,” Tom clasped Chakotay on the back as he passed to the conn, “No one dares take Voyager. Heard she’s got one hell of a captain”.  

               She cleared her throat and pushed herself to stand. Tom was rewarded with the flash of a small smile as she stepped forward out of her first officer’s careful observation.

               “Indeed, Mr. Paris. Resume a course for home, Warp 6. Engage,” the ship hummed with life once more, Chakotay moved to intercept her. Kathryn side stepped and glowered at him in annoyance.

               “You have the Bridge, Commander.”

Her evasive maneuvers were becoming increasingly blatant as time passed. Kathryn was beginning to accept that she could hide nothing from him anymore. The fact that he read her like an open book only served to fuel her anger.

               “Yes, Captain.”

Chakotay’s icy tone struck her deeply before the doors to her Ready Room secured her refuge.

_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*

               He tolerated her absence for nearly twenty minutes before rising to confront her. A personal best, in Tom’s opinion. Something was seriously wrong. They won. They should be celebrating.

He hadn’t missed the tense exchange between his captain and first officer. Paris had grown to admire the way Chakotay perfectly complimented and appreciated the sheer fortitude that was Kathryn Janeway. Standing back as she constantly sacrificed a different piece of her being for her crew. While balancing the keen ability to foresee when she would dissolve into a self-destructive frenzy. Sacrificing too much. Too fast. Recklessly.  

               Tuvok arched an inquiring eyebrow, most likely premeditating his actions. The two did not see eye to eye, yet when it came to Kathryn’s well-being, both stood together. Unwavering. To uphold her when she could no longer do so herself.

               “Tuvok, you have the Bridge.”

               He rang the chime. It went unanswered. He rang again. The doors opened to a darkened Ready Room.

               She sat on the couch. Legs tucked underneath her body, arms hugging herself. Her face held no expression. Cautiously, he made his way to her. There was no change. He lowered himself to sit near her and let his eyes slip closed. He did not want to have the conversation that he knew was about to take place.

               Letting out a deep sigh, he laid a hand on her knee. Rage bloomed in his chest as she flinched at the contact. His jaw clenched painfully at the slight tremors that began to wrack her body. Chakotay withdrew.

               “How far? How much did you let him take, Kathryn?”

               His voice sounded foreign as the question hung heavily in the air. Dropping his head, he pressed again.

               “Do I need to get the Doctor up here,” she made a small noise in the back of her throat, pulling further into herself.  

               “I’m fine. Nothing happened. I just need to rest. Been a long day.”

               “That is a lie. And you know it,” she finally turned at his bitter accusation. It was true. Wasn’t it? She had been burying it so deep that she had trouble discerning reality.

               “How would you know,” she spat.

               “Damn it, Kathryn! I’m not an idiot.”

               “No. You aren’t. Are you?”

               “Why? Why do you do this? You know that I--.”

                Neither dared to speak. He had pulled them back to the precipice and now it was someone’s turn to jump. She resumed her vigilant watch over whatever was across the room.

               Again, a charged silence filled the room. How long could she wait him out?  

              “Are you quite finished, Commander?”

               The venom laced in her use of his title caused his aggravation to escalate.  

               “Reverting back to rank now, Captain? Distancing yourself from me again? Lashing out won’t change the past. It won’t take back what’s already been done.”

             Kathryn swung her feet out from underneath her and leapt from the couch. She stalked over to her desk, bracing herself on it.

              “You’re dismissed.”

              “No. I’m not letting this one go. Not this time.”

              She gave a dry chuckle at his insubordination.

             “You don’t have the luxury of making that decision. Now, I believe I told you to get out.”

              Kathryn sank into her chair and turned her attention to an errant padd.

             “I am not leaving this room until you and I have finished this discussion,” she slammed the device down on her desk with full force, damaging it beyond repair.

             “You really want to me spell it out for you? Fine. I let him fuck me. Is that what you so desperately needed to hear? Will you get the hell out of my sight or do you need me to submit it to you in writing?” She flung the broken padd at him and he let it strike him in the chest.

              Her brash admission was what truly slammed into him, leaving him breathless. His stomach roiled with such force that he had to swallow hard against the bile rising in his throat.

              “This is what I am now, Chakotay. The whore captain of the Delta Quadrant. Ready to spread her legs for anyone willing to show an interest. Perhaps we should advertise that offer during trade negotiations? Make things a little easier,” Kathryn’s flippant attitude was frightening.  

              “Now your duties as my first officer come into play. Go ahead. Advise me,” she stood and moved around her desk again, continuing without allowing him to interject. He huffed in shock as she pushed past him on her way to the coffee table.    

               “Is there an article in the Starfleet regulations that discusses the solicitation of sexual acts from starship captains? Is there, Chakotay? Because I need to know! We can’t stray from protocol!”

              Chakotay turned just in time to dodge the coffee cup that was hurled at his head. It clattered against the bulkhead and fell to the floor.

              “Stop staring at me like that! ‘Oh, pity poor helpless Kathryn.’ I don’t need you and your sympathy! GET. OUT. YOU GOD DAMNED BLEEDING HEART.”

              “Yes, ma’am.”

               Chakotay snapped his head to attention and strode out the door.

­­­*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*

               Thoughts of Kathryn plagued his mind; she was often the cause of his late-night pacing sessions. The further he reflected on their argument, the more it disturbed him. He had grown tired of her recent obsession with impulsive and, ultimately, destructive behavior. The callous display in the ready room was very telling of just far she had come.

               “Computer, is the captain in her quarters?”

               “Affirmative.”

               He knew that the possibility of her being asleep was slim to none. Chakotay grabbed his jacket and made his way to her.

               Why couldn’t she ever just answer the damn door? He muttered in frustration after the fourth unanswered chime. Feeling bold, he keyed in the override code and stepped inside.

              Elbows braced on her knees and hair balled in fists, Kathryn was slumped forward in her easy chair. The bottle of Anterian cider he had gifted to her a few months ago sat nearly empty on the table next to her.  

               “Come for round two?”

               He came to stand in front of her, pinching the bridge of his nose.  

               “You’re drunk, Kathryn.”

               “Yes. I am. My drinking habits are no concern of yours. So, unless this is ship’s business, I’m going to have to, once again, ask you to get out.”

               “It’s going to take a hell of a lot more than a coffee cup and your unpleasant attitude to get rid of me.”  

               “I don’t need you to save me, Chakotay. I’m a grown woman. Capable of solving her own problems.”

               Slowly, Chakotay lowered himself to kneel in front of her. Taking in a deep breath, he prepared for the remainder of the argument. He would allow her hostility. He would take the blame. He would carry her burden. Those were the unspoken promises he had made to her years before.

                Her head slowly raised to meet his gaze. She opened her mouth to speak and it fell closed again. Kathryn laid back and crossed her arms over her face.  

               “How can you even look at me? After all that I’ve--,” her shoulders began to shake.

               “Kathryn. You were lonely. Vulnerable. That bastard used it to his advantage and you got hurt. That is what makes me angry. His actions. Not yours. Please understand that.”

               He reached out and rested his hands gently on her thighs, rubbing them back and forth, generating a soothing warmth. There was a small sense of victory when she moved to wrap her arms around him and tucked her face into his neck. She began to weigh heavily on his shoulder and he couldn’t help but smile.

               “How much of that cider did you drink yourself? Two glasses of the stuff and I’m just about useless,” his small smile faded when he didn’t receive a response.

                Chakotay pulled back to assess the situation. Eyes wide with panic, her face blanched. Kathryn’s hand flew to her mouth. She began to flail in his grasp, attempting to scramble for the bathroom. He swiftly lifted her and barely made it as she emptied, what he estimated to be, nearly a full bottle of cider. He braced her as she continued to dry heave to a point of alarm.            

               She coughed and gasped, her body spasming to bring up what was no longer there. She sagged in his arms, moaning in pain. He pulled her into his lap and pressed his comm badge.

               “Chakotay to the Doctor. I need an immediate transport for two from the captain’s quarters to Sickbay.”

               “Acknowledged.”

­­­­_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*

               Kathryn woke to the sensation of something warm pressing her right hand. She opened her eyes and was pleasantly surprised to be greeted by low light. The less pleasant fact was that she was laying on a biobed.

               Chakotay was the warm object at her hand. He had it clutched between his own, his forehead rested against them, as if in prayer. She wriggled her fingers and worried eyes shot up to meet hers. He kept a hold, lifted her wrist to his mouth, and placed a kiss there.  

               “Doctor, she’s awake.”

               The sound of a medical tricorder alerted her to the hologram’s presence.  

               “How are you feeling, Captain,” the EMH pressed a few hyposprays to her neck.  

               “Like I’ve been in a fight with a Klingon,” she grimaced as a sharp pain lanced through her head.

               “Not surprising. I am recommending you take a few days of medical leave. It was quite a bit of work to pull your body from the acute shock it was in. I would suggest synthohol next time you wish to drink yourself into oblivion.”

               She brought her other hand up to cover her burning eyes. The pain in her head was getting worse.

               “You need to rest and take in plenty of fluids. Apart from coffee. Your blood alcohol level is still elevated. You will continue to experience pain, nausea, and dizziness,” Kathryn gave a despondent groan at the notion of her impending ‘hangover’. Chakotay moved to the head of the bed, tenderly brushing her hair back from her face.

               “I trust you will ensure that she follow my orders, Commander?”

               “Yes. She will be in good hands.”

               “She is right here and does not require around the clock surveillance,” Kathryn grit her teeth against the dizziness as she sat up. A firm hand came to support the small of her back. The medication had sapped all the energy from her, stopping any further protest against being cared for.    

             Wordlessly, Chakotay lifted her from the bed and the transport began. Her quarters materialized around them. His face was unreadable, but she didn’t dare study it longer than a few seconds at a time. The dizzy spell was intensified by the reassembling of her molecules and she welcomed the strong arms that carried her to the couch.

              He cautiously helped her to sit and headed for the replicator once she was situated. He returned with a glass of water and cup of tea. He settled next to her, their shoulders and legs touching. The heat from his body seeped into her bones. Like a comforting balm, his proximity ate at the damage that had been inflicted on her soul. She gave silent thanks and accepted the glass of water.

               They remained trapped in a pregnant pause. He was patiently waiting for her to share her innermost thoughts. Both knew that she would eventually give in. Somehow, along the way, her first officer had mastered an unspoken influence over her.    

               “I finally thought that I had found someone I could allow myself to get close to,” she took in a deep breath to steady herself. Her vision was fixed on the glass she hadn’t taken a drink from. Chakotay placed his tea on the table and turned to fully examine her.

               “He felt so familiar and…safe. Deep down, I knew it was all an act. But, I just couldn’t bring myself to care. I was--,” she swallowed, “I was taken with him. Swept away by the notion of being able to let my guard down.”

               Kathryn shook her head in bitter embarrassment and shifted to rise from his reach. He swiftly captured her wrist and squeezed her thigh; gently, yet effectively, impeding her escape.  

               “You can’t be expected to be ‘Captain Janeway’ for every waking moment for, what could possibly be, the rest of your life. It’s not healthy for you. Or for those who love you,” the final statement stumbled from his lips before he could catch it. It was laden with unmasked emotion and meaning.

                Her lips parted to speak, but nothing would come. Her tongue came out to wet her lips as they regarded each other cautiously. She was almost certain if she contemplated her ‘feelings’ any longer, her head would split open.

               Her face must have broadcast the renewed pain that she was experiencing. In that moment, all the hesitation vanished from Chakotay’s movements. His warm hand brushed across her cheek and ran down to hold her jaw, cradling it as if she would break. As she considered his tender gaze, she thought she might. A single tear escaped her lashes and his thumb gracefully intercepted it.