#Im drenched in sweat but Im listening to city boys so is all good

[thisismeracing]

I was feeling down, smoked, shook my ass to my fav afrobeats for twenty minutes and suddenly life is bright and beautiful again. ah the power of songs with roots

[retroellie]

Dating Ellie Williams Headcannons

Summary: Headcannons for dating ellie 

A/N: Have this because my last imagine was ass... I think i like writing headcannons way more than imagines lmao 

Warning: TLOU2 spoilers, Mentions of death, PTSD, and NSFW/dirty talk 

Word Count: 1.8k 

- She fell in love with you when she first saw you 

- She had just come to Jackson after the incident with the fireflies 

- You being around the same age as her tommy asked you to show her around and tell her what’s what

- “Ellie this is Y/n, Y/n this is ellie.” Tommy introduced y’all 

-Her heart stopped when she saw you, she couldn’t help the blush that was forming. 

-She couldn’t stop looking at you when you were talking about the shops and sights around Jackson 

- It seemed like you were liked around town, you were friendly to everyone and everyone knew who you were

- She will never forget the thing you said to her when you guys were in front of her new home 

-”Tommy told me a lot about you and i just want you to know, you're safe now.” 

-She felt for the first time she could let go, relax for a minute 

-You helped her move into the garage, trying to make her as comfortable as she could be 

- She wrote about you a lot in her journal, writing poems and drawing pictures of you 

-You guys hung out a lot with Jesse and Dina but she would much rather hang out with you alone 

-You two had become really good friends by the time you guys were 16, i mean Ellie opened up to you more than she did anyone 

-Opening up meaning talking about her interests and some of her favorite childhood memories 

-She was honestly too scared to tell you about her immunity and even more scared to tell you about her past, afraid that she was gonna scare you away 

-You introduced her to cat and you definitely regretted it because cat liked her 

-When they started dating cat was definitely the third wheel because you and Ellie were so closer

-You held Ellies hand when she got her tattoo, she couldn’t hide the blush than but blamed it on the pain 

-You guys shared the same love for music, you showed her most of the music she listened to 

-You would sleep over at her place a lot 

-You guys would watch movies, talk about space and dance horribly to old music 

-Y’all could never get bored of each other

-When you spent the night at her place you would sleep in her bed with her but it was as friends, Ellie didn’t want you sleep on the floor and you didn’t want to force her out of her own bed  

-Ellie would always get so embarrassed when you slept over, she would always go into a gay panic 

-By the time y’all were 18, she was head over heels for you 

-You two were still best friends but her feelings got in the way  so she was distant 

-It got to the point where she didn’t want to be with anyone else, it was either you or no one 

-She didn’t really have time for relationships so she didn’t really mind it 

-She would play guitar for you when you came over, even attempting to teach you 

-Everything she owned was yours and everything you owned was hers 

-”God damn it, where is my Walkman” 

-”Oh, I took it. Mine broke.” 

-Ellie bashed on everyone you liked, Little did she know you liked her 

- You liked the boy who worked at the bar? She had something to say about him 

-You found out she liked you when you two were dancing one night 

-Your arms were wrapped around her neck and hers around your waist, it was like a scene from a movie 

-You both felt the tension, it made the butterflies in your stomach go crazy 

-”I’m just a girl.... not a threat.” 

-”Oh ellie... I think they should be terrified of you.” 

-Next thing you know her lips were on yours 

-The kiss felt like it went on forever until you pulled away, panting for air 

-No words exchanged just a smirk and her pulling you out of the church

-She didn’t waste anytime, She’s been waiting for this moment 

-Now that you guys were together, you guys were too powerful 

-You guys spent a lot of time in her garage, i swear you basically lived there 

-You guys could spend hours tangled up together or have heated make out sessions that lead to so much more 

-Soft kisses and 80s movies 

-endless sex i swear this woman is going to be the death of me 

-I have said this before but this girl is always horny, i mean she still has raging hormones  so she’s always on top of you 

-She tries to highlight her tattoo when pleasuring you because she knows it drives you crazy 

-She loves when you sit in her lap, it’s both cute and hella sexy to her

-Her kisses make you lightheaded, like you gotta sit down for a minute after she kisses you 

-She finds your body fascinating, like it sounds cringey but she love everything about you body 

-She likes to explore your body a lot, like what gets the best reaction out of you 

-She’s kinda new to sex, she’s had a fling or two but nothing long term so now she really has to get this shit down

-She’s the top, i said what i said 

-Joel has walked in on you two lots of times 

-”Hey elli... OH FUCK. SORRY, I’m sorry.” He says while covering his eyes 

-You both have to stop for a minute just to laugh your asses off 

-Y’all were really loud too so like y’all got complaints a lot 

-”Sorry, Y/n came over for a minute.” Ellie says busting through the door 

-”Yeah i know, i heard y’all.” Joel joked 

-She makes really bad cheesy pick up lines to you 

-”You know I’m jealous of your heart, because it’s pumping in and out of you and I’m not.” 

-”I’m literally gonna break up with you.’ 

-She never fails to make you laugh

-Her with her fucking puns mama, you can’t hide from her silly side

-Joel is a proud dad, he loves his lesbian daughter and her girlfriend 

-Later on into the relationship ellie fully opens up to you 

-You were tracing her tattoo one day, feeling the bumpiness of it 

-”What happened?’ 

-She debated on telling you, Joel said not to tell anyone 

-She gave in through, telling you about riley, her immunity, her and Joel's trip, even David 

-She ended up crying, you’ve never seen her that broken down before 

-You held her most the day, giving her all the kisses she needed 

-When Joel died, you were basically always with her. Not wanting to leave her alone 

-You were the one that found them. You shook ellie awake,  Letting her sob into your shirt 

-You brought her home, she could barely move. She was in so much shock and pain 

-You cleaned her up and took days off of rounds just to lay in bed with her all day 

-The nights were the worst 

-She would wake up in tears, sweat drenched her body. She would bury her face into her chest, crying her eyes out 

-”I saw him. All the blood..” 

-”I know baby, it’s okay. I’m here.” 

-you guys were still so in love with each other at 20, maybe even more if that was possible 

-The trip to Seattle and trying to kill Abby really brought y’all even closer, seeing sides of each other you guys never had 

-The fear and the defeat you both felt on that trip, it made ellie more in love with you that you stayed 

-You two lived in a small farmhouse after the trip to Seattle, it was nice and quiet 

-You lived like two cottagecore lesbians out in the middle of nowhere, it was a good change 

-Ellie would love to paint you with flowers, she found that you and flowers together created a perfect masterpiece 

-Ellie was kinda a city girl so you had to teach her a lot of stuff, you mostly read books about farms because you didn’t have a clue either 

-You guys lived without pants, like no one was there to see y’all, no one to impress so like fuck it, who needs pants 

-Ellie loved waking up to you in the kitchen, with messy hair and nothing but her t-shirt on.... Yes please 

-To save water y’all would take baths together, it mostly always turned into bath sex 

- Ellie was glued to your side, like wherever you went she was there with you 

-She was very distracting, always kissing up your neck or moving your hips on hers 

-I swear this woman was distracting without meaning to be 

-When she was doing farm work and her tattoo would stand out, it made you want to jump on her every single time 

-Sex with her back then  was great but sex with her now was so much better 

-She really matured a lot, she knew what she wanted and just how to do it 

-Your pleasure came first to her, she loved the feeling of being able to pleasure you 

-Don’t worry, you didn’t leave her out. You made sure she felt just as good as you 

-She wasn’t shy so dirty talk was her thing 

-”Just one more time baby, i wanna see you cum on my fingers one more time.” I’m so gross im sorry AHDS

-She would fuck you on literally everything in the house 

-No one was near to hear y’all and y’all could do it anywhere and at anytime, it was fucking heaven for y’all 

-Y’all were together a lot and although ellie loved it, she knew you liked your alone time 

-She would go into her painting room and play guitar or draw, doing anything to keep her busy 

- After a hour or two went by you would come in and sit on her lap, hinting that  you were getting a bit lonely 

-You were always there for her when she went through her attacks, telling her it was going to be okay and you were here with her 

-”Y/N! I- I can’t.. can’t breath.” 

-”Ellie baby, you're okay. just keep taking deep breaths for me, okay?”

-Seeing her like this broke your heart but you were nothing but patient with her,  she was really thankful for that 

-You never talked about joel or even riley, you knew those were sensitive topics so when she did talked about them you listened and allowed her to rant 

-”You know, I think Riley would’ve really liked you.” 

-”You think so?” 

-”Yeah, she would’ve liked your weird taste in music.’ 

-Ellie dreamed about what it would've been like in a normal world

-She could see you two meeting at a movie theater, hitting it off and eventually getting married, Maybe adopting a kid or two

-She was so in love with you, no matter what you looked like or what your body type was. She loved you 

-

-

-

!Credits to gif owner!

[emybain]

Speak Up

hiiiiii I dont like this fic but im posting anyway because im tired and my body is driving me nuts right now! maybe when I can think clearly again ill write another fic where nova and Adrian have a fight (or maybe ill just write it now sksksk) because this didn't turn out the way I wanted it to. I felt bad about just deleting it though so I figured I might as well post it,,,no harm in that other than my reputation

SPOILERS FOR SUPERNOVA

SPOILERS FOR SUPERNOVA

SPOILERS FOR SUPERNOVA

Nova draped an arm over her eyes, feeling a headache coming on. Well, she had a recurring headache just about every day so far that week, and it was only Tuesday. Already she was sick of them. They weren’t the only things she was sick of. 

    “Men are stupid,” Danna said from below Nova. She, Ruby, Danna, and Narcissa were all in Ruby’s room. It still felt weird for Nova to have girl acquaintances, dare she say friends, the same age as her after only having Ingrid and Honey for so many years down in the subway tunnels. “Why do you think I like girls?” 

    Nova and Danna were still on rocky terms, Danna being the only one left on Nova’s former team who hadn’t fully forgiven Nova yet. Nova didn’t blame her; she’d be stubborn to forgive herself as well after everything she put Danna through, as well as the others. Still, it could be frustrating at times when Nova stretched to be nice to the other girl and have it thrown back in her face with a snarky comment. At least now, Nova felt as if Danna was finally starting to accept Nova’s apology, and they could hold a civil conversation when left alone. 

    “Have you tried talking to him?” Ruby questioned, ignoring Danna’s comment. Nova rolled over onto her stomach to peek down at them from her spot on top of one of the twin’s beds. 

    “No.” Nova groaned, sitting up and draping her legs over the mini wall on the bunk bed, meant to keep someone from falling off in their sleep. “I don’t care to see him right now.”

    “Are you going to break up with him?” Narcissa eyed Nova over her book, a mischievous smile on her lips. Her head was resting on Danna’s lap. “That would be hilarious.” 

    Danna swatted at her lightly, affectionately, before going back to playing with her hair. The two had been dating for a few weeks now, and Nova was beginning to wonder if she and Adrian had been as disgustingly adorable when their relationship was official. 

    “No,” Nova said, almost too quickly. Danna snorted. “I don’t know. Is it something worth breaking up over?” She looked down at her hands, feeling her cheeks heat up. 

    Three months of bliss. Apparently, that was all the world wanted Nova to have before it slapped her in the face. It had been three months since the Supernova, and things with Adrian were going fine until last Saturday night when Nova had gone over to watch a movie. It had been a long day for both of them; along with the other Renegades, they were trying to install more independence among the citizens. Now that everyone in the world was a prodigy, more and more people were beginning to see that they didn’t need the Renegades to protect them and do everything for them, and the Renegades, much to Nova’s relief, believed the same thing. It was a lot of work, undoing the system the Renegades had crafted, but Nova enjoyed it. 

    Well, she enjoyed most of it, save the media attention she was getting. A lot of people didn’t know what to think of her, the girl who was one of the most wanted criminals in the city and who was now what they deemed a “good guy” that was dating Gatlon’s golden boy. They wanted to know more about her, and that meant having cameras and reporters constantly in her face whenever she left her apartment. Nova was sick of it, to say the least. And some magazines were starting to catch on, based off of what they were now writing about her and how she had a snippy attitude and a mean composure. Fine. Whatever. She didn’t need a couple of journalists defining who she was. 

    Adrian always tried to comfort her whenever a new story came out, but it never really worked. She could tell he felt bad for her, but what was he to do? He grew up in the spotlight. She grew up in the subway tunnels. He just...didn’t understand. 

    When she had been at his house the weekend before, they had been somewhat paying attention to the movie until Nova got up to use the bathroom. After she got out, Adrian was not on his couch anymore. Figuring he must’ve gone upstairs for more snacks, she had grabbed the empty popcorn bowl and headed up to help him out. But then she paused before she walked into the kitchen, hearing voices. It was a habit, something she needed to break, and she wouldn’t have kept eavesdropping if she hadn’t heard her name mentioned. 

    “...need to keep her in line for this interview, Adrian.” She had recognized Hugh’s voice immediately. Like with Danna, Nova and Adrian’s father had an awkward relationship. While he was surprisingly okay with her dating his son, Nova could tell he was still cautious around her, as if she might break at any moment if someone said the wrong thing. “You know how she gets sometimes, and we can’t have her saying too much.” His tone was light, joking. Nova grit her teeth all the same. 

    “Saying too much?” Nova had leaned in closer, pressing her ear against the door when she heard Adrian’s voice. 

    “He means something inappropriate or uncalled for.” She remembered deflating at Simon’s words; she had thought that between Adrian’s parents, Simon was actually warming up to her. Clearly, that wasn’t the case. “She wasn’t exactly raised in a proper environment and doesn’t know proper manners. You know we like Nova, but once she opens her mouth…” 

    This conversation kept going for a few minutes, and with every second that passed, the sour taste on Nova’s tongue got stronger and stronger. Nova and Sketch’s team had an interview with a major television show in a few weeks that Nova was not looking forward to, but was doing it for Adrian’s sake. It would be their first appearance on a larger platform other than newspapers and magazines following the Supernova, and Nova’s first serious interview. Bleh. Hugh and Simon must’ve been referring to the recent news about her; why else would they have a private conversation with their son? She wasn’t so much as annoyed at the fact that they spoke of her like she was a brash child. No, what hurt was the fact that in the few minutes Nova listened to the conversation, not once did she hear Adrian speak up for her. 

    “Well, what did he say when you found out?” Nova jolted her head up, blinking at Ruby as her mind shifted back to the present. 

    Nova shrugged. “I walked into the kitchen and told him I had to go. I was already out the door before he could say anything.” She let out a slow sigh. “I’m just upset that he didn’t even defend me. I don’t give a rat’s ass what Simon or Hugh think of me, but isn’t Adrian supposed to be on my side for things like this?” She truly felt stupid for having this conversation. Silly, even. Her problems weren’t supposed to be about trivial things like this. Never in her nearly seventeen years of life would Nova had thought that she would ever have girl talk with girls her age, either. It was all just ridiculous.  

    “His parents insulting you based on a bias?” Ruby scrunched her nose up. “Yeah. He should’ve said something, but have you considered the possibility that maybe he didn’t get the chance?”

    Nova picked at her cuticles; it was a new bad habit she got herself into when she was stressed. “I listened to their conversation for a good five minutes. Adrian had plenty of time to interrupt them.” 

    The room was silent for a few minutes. Outside the door, Nova could hear Ruby’s brothers horse-playing. She could smell whatever meal her mom was making for dinner. 

“Well, Nova,” Danna reclined back to rest against the wall, “I’ve known Adrian longer than Ruby, but I think we both know that Adrian would never hurt you on purpose or go behind your back. We’ve seen the way he looks at you, and while it makes me gag,” the edges of her lips curled up, “he’s afraid of losing you.”

“What are you saying? That I should just forget about it and move on?” Nova huffed, crossing her arms. 

“At least go talk to him. Explain why you’re hurt. I’m sure he’ll understand.”

Nova wished it were that simple.

__________

    It was Thursday morning, and Nova had yet to take Danna’s advice. She didn’t want to admit it out loud, but she was nervous at the thought of confronting her boyfriend. What if she had overreacted and he now thought she was being irrational? What if she had waited too long and now Adrian didn’t want to see her? 

    She tried to block out her negative thoughts in the Training Hall with Ruby, where she had suggested they work out together that morning. Now, mid morning, they were running laps around the track. Nova was finally beginning to get lost in her element when she noticed two people walking towards them. Oscar and Adrian.

    From beside her, Ruby placed a hand on Nova’s arm and slowed both of them down. She waved at the two boys, a bright smile lighting up her face at the sight of her boyfriend. Nova’s eyes widened, and she pried Ruby’s fingers off of her. 

    “What?” Ruby raised an eyebrow. “I thought you made up with him already.” When Nova shook her head, lips pressed tightly together, Ruby rolled her eyes. “Well, now’s the time to do it. Come on.” With no other way out, Nova let Ruby lead her off the track to meet the boys. Adrian eyed her cautiously, to which she responded with a glare. He averted his gaze immediately, clearly embarrassed, but it didn’t stop him from glancing over her body. She crossed her arms over her chest, suddenly self conscious about the fact that she had discarded her shirt earlier and was now left in only a sports bra and leggings, both drenched in sweat. She looked disgusting to say the least, and it wasn’t how she wanted Adrian seeing her. Not that she cared, of course. 

    Ruby greeted Oscar with a hug, and he pressed a kiss to her cheek. “Oh, I completely forgot to mention this.” Ruby turned back to Nova and hit the palm of her hand to her forehead softly. “Oscar and I made plans for brunch today. Do you guys want to join?” 

    Nova plastered a thin smile to her lips, answering for herself and Adrian before he could even open his mouth. “No, thank you. I want to get in a few more miles before leaving. You guys have fun, though.” 

    Ruby narrowed her eyes at Nova, as if she was saying “Really?” but Nova pretended she didn’t see it. She waved goodbye to the two of them and turned around, starting up her jog again. She ran for a good twenty feet before she heard Adrian’s voice from behind her, getting louder. 

    “Nova! Hey, wait up!”

    Groaning, Nova stopped again. She wasn’t going to get out of this, obviously, so she waited for Adrian to catch up to her until she spoke. “What?”

    He flinched at the harsh tone in her voice, the movement so subtle Nova almost missed it. She bit the inside of her cheek. “You haven’t been answering my messages.” It was true; she hadn’t been. He had sent a few since Saturday, but Nova hadn’t bothered checking to see what they said. She had been too frustrated to care about his apologies. 

    “I’ve been busy,” she replied, pursing her lips. “Sorry that I don’t have proper etiquette in communication. It was how I was raised, you know.” 

Adrian squeezed his eyes shut for a moment before opening them back up. “Listen, about Saturday, can you please let me explain?” 

Nova stepped off the track so that she wouldn’t be in the way of other runners. “Explain what? Because from my understanding, you let your dads insult the only family I knew for ten years. No, they weren’t perfect,” she let out a harsh laugh, “but they tried. Honey and Leroy and Winston, at least. Ingrid at times when she was in a good mood.”

“Were you seriously that offended?” Adrian took a step back. “Because they manipulated you, Nova. I understand that Leroy is a better person now, but for the rest of them, well,” he shook his head, “I’m not even going to say anything.”

“Just like on Saturday?” She cocked her head to the side. “I don’t give a shit what your dads think of me, okay, Everhart? I do care about what you think of me, though, and if you see me as some uncontrollable toddler who can’t keep her mouth shut like Hugh does, then why are we even together?” The last bit stung her as much as Adrian. Once the words left her mouth, she instantly regretted them, but it was too late now. So she huffed and looked up at him expectantly. 

Nova noticed how people slowed their stride when they passed by the arguing couple, eager for whatever gossip they could get. No doubt word would get out to the press, and Nova’s mood would sour more. 

“Nova, you know I don’t think of you like that, not even in the slightest.” He reached a hand forward, placing it on her arm. She shrugged it off. 

“Then why,” she asked quietly, looking down, “didn’t you defend me? I sat there for five minutes listening to your dads talk to you, and not once did you speak up. Are you afraid that I’m going to embarrass you in front of the entire world? Because I’m not a perfect little doll and that I come from what many people see as garbage? 

“Of course not!” Adrian cried out, drawing more attention to them. He glanced around before lowering his voice. “No, Nova, you’re right. I...I should’ve said something. I wasn’t comfortable with what they were telling me but I kept my mouth shut anyway. I guess I’m just...trying to stay on their good side? Ever since they found out about the Sentinel, things haven’t been the same around the house. But that’s no excuse. You’re my girlfriend and one of the people I care the most about.”

Nova’s shoulders relaxed, but only slightly. She hadn’t really noticed how things may have changed around the Everhart-Westwood household, but she wouldn’t be surprised if they had.

“I’m sorry, babe,” Adrian murmured, daring to reach out again and pull her closer by her hips. Nerves spiked through her body at the nickname; he had used it a few times before, teasingly, because he knew it annoyed her. What he didn’t know was the effect it had on her, despite her holding a grudge against it.  “I was an idiot.”

Nova’s leg bounced nervously, her eyes not meeting Adrian’s. How could she stay upset with him? She knew he was actually sorry and not just saying it to appease her; that’s just how Adrian was. 

“I accept your apology.” She sighed, placing a hand on his outstretched arm. “I’m sorry too...for overreacting. I just…” She peeked up at him. “Sometimes these articles get to me, you know? They put it in my head that I’m not good enough for you because of who I am and where I came from, and then I have to hear the same things from your dads, and I was hurt that you said nothing. I-I know that I can act without thinking sometimes, and say things that I don’t mean, but I can’t stand other people berating me for it.”

Adrian took both of her hands and laced their fingers together. “Those articles are full of bullshit. Nova, one of the things that I love most about you is that you’re not afraid to speak your mind and you’re not afraid to act on something immediately. Your stubbornness and bold composure make you you.” His lips quirked up. “Not to mention, it’s kind of hot.”

Nova had to laugh at that, her first real smile in days breaking out on her face. “Thank you,” she mumbled. 

“No more secrets anymore, right?” He tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear. “Please come to me sooner when I make a mistake so we can talk about it. I can’t stand you being upset with me.” 

“Okay.” Nova nodded, reaching up to wrap her arms around his neck to hug him. “Just as long as you do the same. Going five days without you has sucked ass.”

“It’s a deal.”

[selflovebesson]

delicate, part vii — jack avery

requested?: yes oof

a/n: this is the final part of delicate!! idk man i cried writing this but maybe u wont idk

________________________________________________________

we stood in the same exact spots for so long my feet began to throb. my back was aching and my heart was pounding in the silence.

i was the first to sit down, my posture straight, my hands laid on my knees, my eyes shot forward at the blank white wall.

freddie honer had decided he would talk to jack in private, and i was preparing myself for the reality of that situation.

“y/n,” jonah spoke, but he sounded so distant. i was too distracted trying to make-out the mumbles coming from the room beside us.

of course not!

no!

i would never fucking—

i think i’ve heard loud sounds. fire alarms, ambulances, zach itching for attention on christmas day. but nothing had prepared me for the loud bang that went off just then. a bang so loud, it filled my brain. for instance, i knew the boys were screaming, scrambling to run, but i sat seemingly unbothered, and listened to the softer loud of the thud of the presumably lifeless body hitting the floor.

i didn’t move. perhaps i couldn’t or maybe i just didn’t want to. maybe it hurt too much to move. either way, jonah was the one to throw me over his shoulder as he ran, along with the other boys, through the zigzags of the home until they hit the driveway and im not sure why but they were running and running and running.

-

california is known for how hot it is. at least that’s how it was when i was growing up. california was the hot state. summer even during winter. beach days everyday. i never imagined the heat could close my throat the way it was right now. but then again everything else was closing, too.

“what the fuck are we going to do?!” jonah.

“im not sure, man, but jack—“ eben.

“don’t you dare say it.” corbyn.

sobbing, i knew that was daniel and zach. the two distinct cries were unmistakable to me. i’d heard them millions of times before.

i felt myself unfolding, coming undone, as my brain drained the long gone banging sounds from replay. i looked around, trying to make sense of what was happening, but all i could see was grass. grass and a pile of boys holding back terrible tears under heavy breathing.

“corbs?” deja vu. i shivered at the reminder of the driveway scene, but shook it off because i knew this time it was him, this time i was met with glowing blue eyes not cold brown ones.

he kneeled down beside me, where i sat with my back against a wooden fence. “hm? yes, dear?” his voice was choked, his attention forced, and i felt my own tears starting a lump in my throat.

“where are we?” i managed, swallowing my emotions.

“uh,” he looked around, running his hands through his fallen flat hair. “i think, about 40 miles from the city.” that means we were only 60 miles away from honer. from malis. from jack’s dead body.

you know how they say good things come to those who wait? i waited all my life to find somebody like jack. and when i finally found him, he gets ripped away from under me like some sort of faked welcome rug. so perhaps good things only come to those who earn them, or maybe its just at random.

i felt my feet itch and i shot up from my spot on the grass, surprising all the boys around me. i gave him each a look before i began speeding down the side of the road. mostly because i knew they’d follow suit. and anything was better than staying put at this point in time.

“y/n we can’t run 40 miles!” corbyn called from not so far behind me but i only picked up my pace. should i prove him wrong? show him all the adrenaline i have rushing through me at the moment? maybe. maybe. maybe.

an hour. sixty minutes. that’s how long it took for my legs to give in and drop me to the gravel. the crunching sound of my knees on the pebbles and pavement stopped the five boys behind me as well. my chest heaved up and down uncontrollably but not only because of the running. my tears were falling unconsciously and i was doing nothing to stop them anymore.

i grabbed onto everything i could, grass, dirt, fucking concrete, anything that would hopefully feel like something in my hands. i felt like i had been stabbed repeatedly, over the course of a thousand years, slowly tortured by demented beings. but, then again, that’s basically what freddie honer had just done.

my heart was pounding, so loudly i was praying the boys wouldn’t hear it but they probably could because i could hear theirs, too. boom boom. boom boom.

“y/n?” his voice was distorted and faded, my ears rang and popped with such a painful surge. i felt defeated. utterly and completely defeated.

-

i woke up the next morning to the comfort of my own bed. i woke up the next morning in a cold sweat. my hands were drenched in the liquid, as were my thighs and arms and face. i was breathing heavily, and everything that happened before, in that moment, had been but a dream.

so i sprinted down the stairs, caring less for if i fell or not, and into the kitchen where the boys sat at the kitchen island, in the early morning darkness, silently. i curved the corner and slapped my hands onto the counter, quickly making a mental count of how many there were. “one, two, three, four, five.” five. only five.

“y/n?” eben’s voice echoed off the walls of my brain but i couldn’t focus on it.

i ran myself back up the stairs and burst in the door of jack’s room. it was empty and cold. oh so cold. my shaky fingers traveled over everything. from his nightstand table to his graduation cap, which sat still on his dresser.

i looked myself in the mirror then, and i felt ghostly. the bags under my eyes spoke for themselves and the tears cascading down my already dry ones, was traumatizing.

i reached for one of the drawers, popping it open and grabbing the nearest shirt. it was a blue stripped one he used to wear every so often. he’d bought it on impulse after i told him how much i liked it at the store.

i gripped it. digging my nails into it. it still smelled like him. the strong scent of his cologne filled my nose and traveled to the far away place he held in my mind.

just then, i felt a large hand land on my waist and i jumped lightly, only to be greeted by jonah’s soft expression. he looked broken too. perhaps a bit more put together than me but broken nonetheless. “y/n?” he began. “how long till you’re ready to talk about this?” i shot my eyes up at him as if he were insane. was he really asking me this? jack had only died the night before.

“jonah,” i growled. “jack died last night. do you really expect me to be ready to do anything in less than 24 hours?” his expression turned to confusion in a moments pass and i looked at him carefully through the mirror.

“sweetheart,” he sighed. “im not sure what you think happened. but, jack’s been....gone.... for almost six months. and i know it’s hard because its been hard for all of us but, we need to talk about this at some point.”

“you’re insane!” i raised my voice in sudden rage. “what the fuck do you mean six months ago?!”

“y/n. im sure you remember it rather vividly. the girl. the house. her father—“

“don’t remind me, marais!”

“look,” he grabbed my shoulders and sighed. “my point is, it happened half a year ago, and healing starts with talking.”

“healing starts with talking.”