#Individually they are intelligent together? They cancel braincells

[fontainesibs]

*age 12 in their bunk bed*

Lyney: *peak at Freminet at 3am* Pretty fucked up that we depict the moon as a girl and the sun as a boy. They're just floating rocks in space. Freminet ? Wake up, Freminet ! Listen! They're sexless!

Freminet: The sun isn't a rock, go back to sleep.

[dewgossip]

Hello there my little gossiping ducks! Gather ‘round Mother Goose here to learn all about how you ranked the other members of your town — and what everyone thinks of you! The superlatives are in... and I’m ready to share. 

Who is ... in their flop era?

The town voted that HENRY DESAI is in his flop era! After his failed business venture, I can’t quite say I’m surprised. As delicious as his cookies and cakes may be, the valley just wasn’t ready for its own bake shop ... or maybe the fates just had a big old flop in store for poor Henry! Is something burning? Oh, well, it’s not a cake — Just Henry’s hopes and dreams! 

Who has ... the worst hair?

In a unanimous vote ( boring! where’s the drama! ) the town voted KOA ROXAS for worst hair ... when he doesn’t even have any. Boring! Where’s the drama? Sometimes, I suppose bad hair is better than no hair at all. At least you all seem to think so. I wonder if he burned it off... remind him to never get a cheap wig. Synthetic fibers would smell worse than Henry’s dreams! 

Who is ... most likely to break your heart?

I would certainly let my heart be broken by someone as dashing as FINLEY MARTIN — who you all decided was most likely to do it. Now, my heart would never be broken by anyone, because I am always the one who does the breaking ... but this next person, evidently, does not share my (or Finley’s!) prowess...

Who is ... most likely to get their heart broken?

Perhaps there’s some trouble stewing in the General Store, because the person voted most likely to get their heart broken was JILLIAN MERCER. We should have held this back when the store was closing ... talk about kicking them while they’re down! You know I love a good rumor, so if there is any hype around canoodling with either of our heart-break/heart-breaker candidates... someone let Gossip Elder know if it turns out to be true!

 Who is ... most likely to embarrass themselves on national TV? 

Another win... or really, another loss is in the bag for Mr. KOA ROXAS. After a close race, you all decided that Koa was most likely to embarrass himself on national television. Nevermind what he’d be on TV for, if not complaints of arson... how would he embarrass himself? Perhaps the glint of the aforementioned bald head blinds the cameraman?

Who is ... most likely to be a CEO (derogatory)? 

So much for respecting the dead ... you all voted ISMAIL HAQ for most likely to become a CEO. I have several complaints with this one — first of all, it’s not fun to insult people when they aren’t around to hear it and get upset! Second of all, I think him not being a CEO might have been what made him so tense... if he couldn’t keep a Joja open in Stardew Valley, how is he supposed to be a billionaire? 

Who is ... the worst chef in America The Ferngill Republic?

More in cooking and fire failures... the people have chosen MATEO MORENO for not only the Valley’s worst chef, but the worst chef in the country! That’s quite a high honor to place on Matty. His multiple nominations for this award made this an easy win, but there were other people nominated. Mateo, if you’re disappointed it wasn’t unanimous, just imagine how the rest of us feel when we try your cooking! Let’s hope for Ben’s sake you don’t try to improve your knife skills...

Who should ... get out of the Valley NOW?

It is despicable to me that we’ve moved on from bullying the youths of this town to the distinguished elders of it such as myself, and who you all said should leave, BILL “SOCQUES” MERCER. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but we already tried to kick the Mercer clan out of town once, and it didn’t work on the other half of Socques’ family! His brother might be younger, taller, married-er and better at singing Journey songs than Socques is... but he also didn’t win this award! 

Who should ... be cancelled by cancel culture? 

Another despicable result, though at least this time the nomination of one of the town’s elders did not result in a win ... how dare any of you try to ‘cancel’ me! The real winner of this prize is SASHA FIORINI, the only one of you with enough relevancy to be cancelled by cancel culture! Let’s all hope a rabid fanbase doesn’t come into town to defend her from this, or, Yoba forbid, start Tweeting with little @ call signs like fiorinisgirl! If this little pop-star (what happened to real music!) gets my blog taken down, I’ll fight her on that beach too — and I’ll win!

Who is ... most likely to stage a coup on Mayor Lewis?

Another day, another win for JILLIAN MERCER! Or should I say, another loss. I imagine that any kind of coup she’d stage would be about as successful as her family’s business, or her fight with Sasha, or her relationships with most people in town, or her skating career... Mayor Lewis would probably have to take pity on her and sign over the documents just to get her to stop yelling at him! 

Who did ... not kill Ismail, but definitely killed someone?

Another murder mystery on our hands might send my poor old soul into an early grave, but luckily — the killer on this front is not one we have to solve! ARCHIE TAYLOR was most likely to have killed. I only hope that if she’s reading this, she won’t kill again. Maybe it’s her glares, maybe it’s the fact that no one is that obsessed with ghosts unless they’ve created one... or a few! Spare me, Archie! 

Who is ... most likely to have a secret famous Twitter? 

It’s hard to believe that this blabber mouth could have a secret famous Twitter — or be committed enough to it for her following to grow. Nevertheless, you all decided that LIZZIE JOHNSON-PHAN was winning the popularity contest ... on the internet, at least, and not in town after that whole Miami debacle. I wonder if we can find any buzzy Twitter users that went on a vay-cay last October, and see if there’s any truth to this!

Who is ... the biggest himbo?

Our first and only stalemate ... and if these two gentlemen don’t know what that means, it means you’ve tied! KOA ROXAS and ARTHUR PENA were voted the sweetest, strongest ... and dumbest of the whole bunch. Which, considering how few of you take my blog as gospel, is saying something — I don’t see many braincells bopping around the crowd. 

Who is ... the biggest bimbo? 

In a unanimous vote is proof in the pudding that intelligence and knowledge are not the same thing — the town’s biggest bimbo is a second-time winner LIZZIE JOHNSON-PHAN! Maybe we should have been looking for dumb Twitter users instead of ones who travel around the world. Let’s just hope she has spell check turned on to make her a little harder to find! 

Who is ... most likely to peak by being nominated for this list? 

In our most contested category, with the most individual nominations and most split votes, it looks to me like this person isn’t even peaking in their own category! It’s a good thing FINLEY MARTIN was nominated for something else on this list, or else they’d be branded peaked by ... barely peaking! A rather unexciting finish in this race with for our favorite runner... or, second favorite, if you go based on the fact that Malia wasn’t even nominated! 

Who is ... most likely to steal the bus to go to Zuzu City?

It wasn’t hard for ARTHUR PENA and LIZZIE JOHNSON-PHAN to win the category of them being most likely to steal the bus into Zuzu City... it’s just hard to tell if they’ll have enough loyalty to the town to bring it back! Maybe this time with no murderer on the lose, these local farmers will go for a joyride instead of an escape plan. Do you think they’ll get me a souvenir? Knowing their status as himbo and bimbo, I’d doubt it’d be any good...

 Who has ... the biggest tab at the Stardrop Saloon? 

What’s another win for this list is another loss for her liver, everyone put your hands together for ... JILLIAN MERCER! I’ve already gone through the painstaking process of listing out all her sorrows, but I’m sure Gus will appreciate her picking up this week’s bill once she’s done drowning them! 

 Who would ... win in a Stardew Valley fight club?

While the Valley’s participants in some of the physical violence we’ve seen were nominated for this category, and took half the vote to themselves — the winner of this ring was ELAINE CARTER! While she seems calm, I agree with the rest of you that she can probably pack a punch... or at least pack her chainsaw with her when she goes to fight, and ward off anyone else who tried to take her title! 

And so is the end of this round of Stardew Valley superlatives... remember that all my silly little jabs are in good fun, and that your gossip grandma loves you dearly. Love and kisses, until next time!

xoxo

Gossip Elder