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#Its something I actually wanted to do a while ago
puppyeared · 10 months
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its so hard to watch time pass when things like careers and assignments exist. what do you mean im supposed to take that seriously
#I have an assignment that was due a week ago and I really really dont want to do it. I have to but i dont want to#im probably making it worse because my brain has built a wall around it so now i can’t do literally anything else until thats done. but#because I don’t want to do it I’m just kinda stuck. turns out this is what they meant when they said emotional regulation is part of#exec dysfunction.. I’ll have a thought like if I get a little bit of it done now i can get it over with. I can just submit something#and then not even 5 minutes later itll be like ugh but I have to draw all the assets out. I have to write things and make spreads ugh#and its just flopping between those two things. i hate it when ppl are like well how much time do you need to work on one thing#because BOY id love to know too. I’d love to know exactly when my brain wants to cooperate with me and work around that but I cant#even my period can’t decide when it wants to punch me in the stomach. which is kinda funny in the grand scheme of things but still#its so weird im just lying on my bed thinking abt all this like damn.. the time will pass anyways no matter what I decide to do.. damn….#if I submit that assignment now and take the L I literally won’t die. it’ll just be a deduction on an assignment nobody will ask me about#I know this but I’m still stressing myself about it so my thoughts aren’t really connecting to my body. weird#maybe its because Im having a hard time looking forward to things. theres definitely a lot I should be living for but I don’t really feel#a strong attachment to it I guess? it’s been like this for a while with holidays and meeting with friends so I just don’t#I kinda figured its because im pretty passionless and its more like passing interest. but it’s not very fun when it feels like I’m going to#be living distraction to distraction for the next 70 years or so lol#idk it kind of feels like slowly bleeding out. which is funny because I actually did experience blood loss this week#had a 30 minute nosebleed and literally could not stand. also it felt like someone was pinching the back of my brain which was interesting#yapping#does this count as vent#vent#Ive just been making an oc carrd and contemplate changing my blog header for the past 3 days honestly
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seraheart · 8 months
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I kinda wish that the DetCo canon would do more with the fact that the relationship (I don't mean this in the shipping sense) between Conan and Haibara has been, or at least logically should have been, really strained for a long time.
Originally, they had this development where Haibara was really messed up, overly cautious and trying to force her maladaptive survival psychological issues onto other people, and generally not good at positive interactions. Then, slowly, Conan and the others started gaining her trust (not entirely though), and also her general mental health improved (never completely though).
But then it turned around, and started getting significantly worse. Haibara isn't really in a healing arc anymore. If Aoyama still took her seriously as a character (which, to be fair, I don't think is the case), she would be in a retraumatization arc. Conan and his allies are limiting Haibara's agency, invading her privacy, dismissing her concerns about all this, and pretending that this isn't happening while she can obviously tell that it is happening.
I think the really obvious turning point was the Mystery Train arc. Haibara even called Conan and Agasa out on it and stated that she wouldn't forgive if she were to be treated like that again. Instead of taking her hurt seriously, they just told her she should "be thankful", and dismissed her hurt as "tsundere", refusing to take her trauma seriously after using it and using her as a mere chess piece in their plans (and Akai even triggering her more by gloating about it).
Since then, Haibara has been trapped under the constant, violating supervision of these people who have demonstrated that they don't respect her, and also refuse to acknowledge that the problem even exists. It's not a situation where her recover arc could realistically continue. By all logic, she should be spiraling, getting worse again.
And maybe this is on purpose; Aoyama definitely didn't plan the manga to get this long when he introduced Haibara, and originally the slow-burn of her recovery was a good way to postpone a scenario where Haibara could actually trust Conan enough to give him the kind of information that would lead to the finale arc. But... eventually, even with the extreme slow burn of DetCo, Haibara's recovery arc and relationship development with Conan would have gotten to the point where her continued withholding of crucial information would no longer make sense... and, I guess, rather than start concluding the story at a humanly reasonable rate, Aoyama just opted to nuke Haibara's whole recovery arc and character and relationship development (not only with Conan but also Agasa).
Which could have been tragic but realistic (albeit kind of a major downer out of tune with the manga's usual tone, and upsetting to anyone who had been invested in the slow-burn mental health improvement arc), but then Aoyama can't even be arsed to take it seriously, and is now just pretending that the situation with Haibara and her relationships with Conan and Agasa are still "normal" instead of FUBAR.
It's regrettable and really shows how much everyone dragging out this franchise to milk it for more money just... doesn't actually care about the story anymore, hasn't in a long time. They'll eventually just kill central, fan-favorite, long-running story arcs rather than actually letting them conclude or evolve in a satisfying manner if that would mean risking their precious status quo (which has warped beyond all recognition anyway, so I'm not sure why they bother).
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examining a seemingly normal image only to slowly realize the clear signs of AI generated art.... i know what you are... you cannot hide your true nature from me... go back where you came from... out of my sight with haste, wretched and vile husk
#BEGONE!!! *wizard beam blast leaving a black smoking crater in the middle of the tumblr dashboard*#I think another downside to everyone doing everything on phone apps on shitty tiny screens nowadays is the inability to really see details#of an image and thus its easier to share BLATANTLY fake things like.. even 'good' ai art has pretty obvious tells at this point#but especially MOST of it is not even 'good' and will have details that are clearly off or lines that dont make sense/uneven (like the imag#of a house interior and in the corner there's a cabinet and it has handles as if it has doors that open but there#are no actual doors visible. or both handles are slightly different shapes. So much stuff that looks 'normal' at first glance#but then you can clearly tell it's just added details with no intention or thought behind it. a pattern that starts and then just abruptly#doesn't go anywhere. etc. etc. )#the same thing with how YEARS ago when I followed more fashion type blogs on tumblr and 'colored hair' was a cool ''''New Thing''' instead#of being the norm now basically. and people would share photos of like ombre hair designs and stuff that were CLEARLY photoshop like#you could LITERally see the coloring outside of the lines. blurs of color that extend past the hair line to the rest of the image#or etc. But people would just share them regardless and comment like 'omg i wish I could do this to my hair!' or 'hair goallzzzz!! i#wonder what salon they went to !!' which would make me want to scream and correct them everytime ( i did not lol)#hhhhhhggh... literally view the image on anything close to a full sized screen and You Will SEe#I don't know why it's such a pet peeve of mine. I think just as always I'm obsessed with the reality and truth of things. most of the thing#that annoy me most about people are situations in which people are misinterpreting/misunderstanding how something works or having a misconc#eption about somehting thats easily provable as false or etc. etc. Even if it's harmless for some random woman on facebook to believe that#this AI generated image of a cat shaped coffee machine is actually a real product she could buy somewhere ... I still urgently#wish I could be like 'IT IS ALL AN ILLUSION. YOU SEE???? ITS NOT REALL!!!!! AAAAA' hjhjnj#Like those AI shoes that went around for a while with 1000000s of comments like 'omg LOVE these where can i get them!?' and it's like YOU#CANT!!! YOU CANT GET THEM!!! THEY DONT EXIST!!! THE EYELETS DONT EVEN LINE UP THE SHOES DONT EVEN#MATCH THE PATTERNS ARE GIBBERISH!! HOW CAN YOU NOT SEE THEY ARE NOT REAL!??!!' *sobbing in the rain like in some drama movie*#Sorry I'm a pedantic hater who loves truth and accuracy of interpretation and collecting information lol#I think moreso the lacking of context? Like for example I find the enneagram interesting but I nearly ALWAYS preface any talking about it#with ''and I know this is not scientifically accurate it's just an interesting system humans invented to classify ourselve and our traits#and I find it sociologically fascinating the same way I find religion fascinating'. If someone presented personality typing information wit#out that sort of context or was purporting that enneagram types are like 100% solid scientific truth and people should be classified by the#unquestionaingly in daily life or something then.. yeah fuck that. If these images had like disclaimers BIG in the image description somewh#re like 'this is not a real thing it's just an AI generated image I made up' then fine. I still largely disagree with the ethics behind AI#art but at least it's informed. It's the fact that people just post images w/o context or beleive a falsehood about it.. then its aAAAAAA
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squeakadeeks · 8 months
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if i had a dollar for every time a religious missionary knocked on my door to "spread the good news" while i was actively in an acute mental health crisis i'd have 2 dollars, which isnt a lot but also. how many times does this have to happen before they stop coming.
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crystalkitty1220 · 3 months
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Man I wonder where the leader of the fear realm could've gone, it's alMOST LIKE NEVIN HAS AN
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#had to re-edit the image real quick because the original edit was from a post I made about Drew years ago#and while the Drew thing is becoming less and less likely. Nevin havinv one has basically been canon since#someone mentioned Greg's (was it Britney's) aura being familiar in s2ch1. ive been putting together a list of every line#that points to Nevin's aura throughout the whole thing (most from s2ch1 but then s2ch10 came out and it was really canon at that point)#but clearly i'm running out of time to say ''i fucking called it'' before it's explicitly stated and i dont want to be in another situation#where somebody else will beat me to a theory and me posting anything about it will seem like copying them. sorry about that btw i had#thought i had already mentioned theorizing that nevin was possessed by a demon in that old theory i made but i had forgotten that one was#super old and was about sigma. so no copying there i just got extremely paranoid there was a mention of a cult and i was like ''nuh uh#that's way too specific and out there of a detail to end up in both our theories'' and i forgot the rest of my super old post was outdated#as hell. and echos had gone ''yeah they're so similar!'' and i took their word for it but now i'm realizing they were probably just trying#to be supportive. so yeah no copying there i was just beaten to the punch of saying something. but i will NOT back down from the aura shit#because i have been calling that shit FROM THE START or at least since i started reading ibvs back when ch20 came out.#also not backing down from saying chris was the worse friend because these past few chapters are the first time isaac has done anything tha#could knowingly upset chris meanwhile chris has. let edward drag isaac to the lair after isaac said edward would beat him up. chose not to#believe edward was holding the secrets over their heads because 'it was something isaac had said' and then immediately distrusted edward in#the next chapter because a random person he didn't know said to steal a book (might i mention how that entire scene proves chris' lack of#development and refusal to take responsibility because it perfectly alludes to when chris had brought those fireworks into his old school#and makes me wonder if charlie has actually gotten him in trouble with his past schools or if he's still just not taking responsibility#and if him following nevin to the woods to test out their powers is an extension of ''if something bad happens its not my fault''#like seriously this man would bring a mysterious suitcase onto a plane if he's told to). uh what was i talking about agai#anyway on a related note my mental state has only gotten worse since i left tumblr and the habit of thinking about chris instead of sleepin#or doing schoolwork has not stopped. so i was still failing for a while and might graduate now but am still staying away from tumblr.#so yeah this was a little update and im not going to linger this time im just going to leave tumblr again right after hitting post#addendum because i just can't let things go. and was thinking about chris again. i don't think his lack of development is because of bad#writing (anymore. i used to.). instead i'm certain his character arc is going to continue into him following someone (nevin probably) into#doing something really bad. and then he'll finally get actual consequences and go 'oh shit i fucked up real bad this time'#if you think that theory is reaching too far into the future you should hear mine about isaac dying at the end lmao
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so. leans on the counter. gate huh. slips off the counter and falls flat on my fa
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piplupod · 7 months
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mother: "theres this great job where you'd be on-call to come in!"
me: "ahhh i don't really want to be on-call, that would stress me out a lot because I'd always be on edge,,"
mother: "no you wouldn't, you could make it your thing!"
me: "...my thing?"
mother: "being on call! it'd be great! :)"
me: "i would probably be crying like... a lot ahaha. because I would always be on edge never knowing when to expect having to go into work, yknow?"
mother: "nooo, you could just make it a thing!"
me: "sorry, what do you mean by thing?"
AND I NEVER FOUND OUT !!
#i feel very ill fdsjkl tonight was ... not good#not the worst definitely not the worst#just. a lot of diet talk and making fun of other ppl that she expected us to all laugh at (and we did. idk if they found it funny.)#and brother labelling some influencer having rape charges against him just ''internet drama''#number one: i dont want to hear about that. number two: that is not just ''drama'' that is like. serious. what the fuck is wrong w youuuu#my mother will say that all the food i eat is very bad for me and do that while knowing full well i struggle to eat Anything#and say that simply Adding things to the diet is pointless bc ur poisoning urself still! u have to Take Out things! i cant fucking do that!#im still baffled that two years ago when i tried to go to them for help when i was almost fainting from not eating they just shrugged at me#''okay? why are u telling us this?'' BECAUSE YOU ARE MY PARENTS. AND I AM TRYING TO GET HELP.#i should've known better than to try tbh but like. its so hard to completely let go of every sliver of hope that they'll... be kind#like me saying i was feeling suicidal a few yrs ago just garnered a ''oh don't start this again. we're not doing this again.''#and me admitting my own damn self to the psych ward just had her telling me ''i dont think you actually needed to go :/''#mother dearest if it werent for the other fuckers in the brain (caused by you abusing me) then i would've been dead several times over#i am so fucking tired i am so sick of these ppl it is so incredibly painful and terrifying that this is supposed to be my family#this is the one support system i get in life. and it is no support system at all. i am fucked !! i am so unbelievably fucked!!!#i know other ppl make it thru but they are much stronger than me. i am lacking something that they all have lmao. i am cowardly and weak!!!#i have been trying so fucking hard to figure out how to like. make this work. how to survive in this society and its just. impossible#i think we're back to the clock ticking down as my bank account runs out#i cannot be employed and ppl keep telling me disability won't accept me so i am just. unanimously fucked over i suppose#i have two years !! two years until i run out of money!!! thats a lot of time!! to make all the art i want to make!!#i will make this work for these two years i will cope and make my art and disconnect and daydream through the intolerable parts#i will make these two years so good sdfjkl im gonna make it to the end of them#sorry this is all coming flooding out fsjdkl i've just tried so hard to be like. positive abt things and laugh abt things and be okay#im tired of trying to make it okay fdsjkl i am wallowing tonight i guess. boohoo poor little me fdsjkl i'll probably get over it soon#just need to like. let a little of the pressure leak out so i don't completely crack and do smth stupid#it will be okay !!! or as okay as it can be !!! this will be blocked out by tomorrow morning probably!!#or it'll have to be LMAO i have my silly old lady yarn group tomorrow and i need to be Normal for that#suicide tw#abuse tw#ed tw
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qqqqqqqqqqq0 · 13 days
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#unfortunately i dont have anything to show you foday#or anything particular to tell you either#so how about you look at this flower i bought at the local store and i think about what to say along the way#actually the employee at the store gave me a discount#every time i buy flowers im forced to participate in human interactions with strangers and remember that we live in a society#i think now that summer is over and the grass is no longer that green and touchable we should buy flowers from time to time to remain sane#i had to take a break from meds for a few days last week and it went rather ok. except i was bawling my eyes out at every given opportunity#you know. there is actually a game that keeps making me cry even when i cant really physically do it#its not really that sad. i would say that the main genre of this game is actually comedy. but the topics raised in dialogues wreck my brain#i dont really feel anything at all while reading the text or anything like that. i dont ecen think about it that much#but every now and then i feel the wetness on my hands and realize i've been crying for a while because of what read there#thats how i cry 99% of the time since the day i was born and i didnt really think anything about it untill now#my psychiatrist told me i have severe problems with dissociation and recognising my own emotions#but a few days ago i was watching some silly local soap opera in the background (im binging this stuff its iconic) & it broke my brain#the raised topics in the series triggered me this much i felt The Pain™. idk how to describe it rather then The Pain™ lol#now im back on meds and i dont feel anything at all again. this or my ability to recognise my own emotions just went down to 5% again#sometime i dream of someone who would posses my brain for a few minutes so that they would help me understand what i really feel#or if my reactions to life events are correct. sometimes when i think that i know exactly what i feel i stop myself and recognise#that i dont know nor understand shit#the more i think about it the more materialistic i become#you can always measure something physical. you can touch it or even search every inch of it with a magnifying glass all you want#but you cant measure the feeling#you know its really bizzare that i feel so much attraction towards poetry while having so much trouble with the concept of emotions itself#you can call me pragmatic but im too lenient for that. you can call me lenient but im too pragmatic for that. idk man. im gonna sleep now
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fruitsyrups · 22 days
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blank eyed girl and ghost fly and the first investigation and stakes miniseries (but specifically the parts that involve finn and jake) and also sometimes kind of objects or scenes (like the sword finn gets from hunson and the scene in the same episode where they're all eating pizza after marcy's concert ... all has a certain kind of atmosphere to me... a vibe.. if you will. i dont know what it is though. but im a little bit crazy about it to be honest
#something something night time something something investigation something something pizza. for some reason ? because they're also getting#pizza at the start of blank eyed girl. and that is undeniably part of the vibe.#something something paranormal/supernatural (are those synonyms or no) elements ... smth smth Hanging out while that stuff is going on...#the episodes where marcy and pb and finn and jake and pepbut are hunting the vampires in the woods ... condense that and inject in directly#into my veins. thx#i dont think i ever talked about these much because theyre conceptually very out there and kind of embarrassing but#ive got these aus... heehee... one of them is a modern/teacher au(bonnie/marcy are teachers . finn is a student . jake is finn's caretaker)#and also a vampire au. and you might be thinking Thats not au marcy is already a vampire... but THE THING IS! not in this one. actually.#because the whole thinngggg is that PB is a vampire and its a SECRET and marcy comes from a family of vamp hunters#so she obviously suspects PB of being a vampire but they both talk around it and flirt obviously and its all sooo silly. and i love it.#AND THEN THERES ANOTHER ONE. and it's another modern/everyone-is-human au (sorry i'm boring) EXCEPT finn is a werewolf. so like... finn is#dog (in a way) and jake is a human. you get it.#and pb is studying to become a scientist . and jake is still finn's caretaker because even in modern aus finn is a double orphan to me. soz#btw when i say jake is his caretaker i mean that joshua and margaret were the ones who adopted him but then they died and jake got#custody. finn and jake still have a brotherly dynamic even in this scenario. jake is responsible for him but they still see eachother as#brothers. just to be clear. like it's not a father figure kind of situation. i love their unconventional family dynamic 😽 i love them so#much. ermmm hang on i got off track...#so finn is a werewolf and jake is aware of it and they drag PB into it because she knows Science .#pb is like ... well i can't just NOT cure lycanthropy.#so thats that whole thing...#love it. great idea . whoever came up with all that must be sooo cool. and cute too. probably really smart and funny too. 😇#and aaalssooooo. i was tossing around the idea of another modern/human world au (i knooow im sorry i dont know why i keep doing this) and#it's a chatfic. and i know how that all sounds. BUT!!!! yeah this one has a twist too. because how could it not ! i am Me after all.#actually recently all of my ideas have been grounded af. borderline slice of life even. so boring i know.#but these AUs are all stuff i came up with a little while ago so they all had to be silly in order to even keep my attention for 5minutes.#so the twist in this one is that BMO is an AI (but like actually sentient not just a boring chatbot bc what wld even be the point of that)#and then robots try to take over the word or smth. and then bmo saves the word and stuff#no real plots for any of these AUs but the ideas are there. and i do want to try to do something with them somedayyyyy. eventually.#i hardly ever move on from anything actually. thats my truth.
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bokuwadekinaiko · 2 months
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cw post / tags. sorry
i don't even know if i have the words
to express this
she's gone
and its all my fault
#~ . 🥀#half my brain wants to scream to cry to do something#the other half wants to lie here forever and wait til i go numb#im in such a state of shock rn i .m gonna throw up#for context#2 hours ago as of writing this i received news that a loved one committed suicide#i was one of the only people that knew she was severely depressed / suicidal i shouldve seen the signs#i shouldve helped her more or called her or told someone#i was a coward. i couldn't.#and because i willingly did nothing to stop someone from dying#i am compliant. therefore . its my fault shes dead#.#this isnt some story where you can rewrite the ending#this is real life#and now i watched someone i love die and will have to live with the guilt of knowing i couldve done something but chose not to#the worst type of person.#i didnt deserve to be friends with someone like her.#no one did. she was smart and witty and oh so stubborn (affectionate)#we both loved the same bands. i don't know if i can ever listen to those bands the same way again#god i cant think#im actually gonna throw up#this is the 2nd time in my life something like this has happened. 3rd if you count all COD not just suicide#knowing something is wrong with a loved one but being too much of a wuss to tell anyone or help them or do anything useful#god im fucking worthless#my friends and family will vent to me and share their problems with me and ill say i care and tell myself i care#but givenmy behavior i don't think i can ever say i can#idoly standing by while people i love suffer#fuckin pathetic#this was a deliberate choice i made. this is all my fault#this is all my fault
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early-october-skies · 5 months
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Me when we don't speak anymore by bears in trees
#lizzierants#had a sudden unplanned job interview today. i wanted to cry the whole time but managed to keep it together and now the anxiety has suddenly#caught up to me and it feels BAD the sudden thought of that what if my friends just dont actually like me and they like me purely because#theyre worried for what would become of me if they stopped being friends with me when purely of course id be fine eventually but i worry#that cause im on antidepressants people just think im automatically suicidal when something bad goes wrong which is not the case im doing#good i dont want to die but what if all my friends hate me what if this whole time i have loved them so so much and they just tolerate me#someday my friends will die and i had that i hate that someday we wont be friends even if its decades in the future i love all of them with#my heart that sometimes i feel it is overfilling i love them i love them and what am i without them i am everything i have ever loved i am#overthinking however i cannot stop this what if my own best friend is avoiding me? why am i thinking this? what evidence do i have to back#this up? nothing only for the fact my own brain feels as though i love people too much and they are uncomfortable with it i feel awful wtf#i have learned to keep my emotions from people because i dont want them to worry. i dont want people to do something or not do something bec#ause they think it will upset me i want people do do as they please i want to be open for my friends to share their issues i want to help#and im sitting here wirrying if they hate me so i turn here to shout in the void because the only person i know irl who follows me on here#most likely doesnt read these tags and if you are please ingore this i misjudged your terrible attention span also i love you very much#anyway a few weeks ago i realised my worst fear is no longer death. but the death of my friendship with my beloved friend. and thats fucking#terrifying prospect however if they were to be like yo i dont like you anymore id respect that decision and id be okay because their happine#is the most important thing to me and thats okay but i couldnt bare with the fact that they feel like they had to be ffiends with me because#they have to. i hate the prospect of them feeling trapped in a friendship theh dont want to be in. all the while i feel i cannot communicate#this to anyone because how would i go about it im very anxious i am shaking i am having a bad time very bad time actually im going to start#crying but its okay <3 crying is good for stress and health and its been a while since ive cried so maybe this will help me feel better <3#i will heal and ill be okay <3
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obnoxiousarcade · 3 months
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I have a longing to be understood more than anything else i think
#someone very recently acknowledged something that usually goes unseen and it wasn't even that great of an acknowledgement but ive just been#staring at the messages every once in a while. its great. not really i sort of feel like a real weirdo#im very lonely. i cant say why but let it be known that i am very lonely#ok i have a question to those who lie their eyes upon this post: tell me what you know about me please?#so much lies in my social perception and i am just. not being perceived. at all. darn#i have a lot to cry about but morally i dont think i should-- specifics would mean being mean to the people i love#talking to anyone anymore just makes me feel horrible. doing anything anymore makes me feel horrible..tmbg has my back though ill live for#another.week or a few. and then my birthday will happen and rhen um#.Well. it sucks that sucks man. i dont want to disclose my age but to elaborate on why ACTUALLY HOLD ON#the thing i am about to say is not true; it is a metaphorical thing: it is my 21st birthday soon.#i decided that i wouldnt live past this age around 5 years ago and the only reason ive lived five years is being killed this year. i dont#think every thing ive been desperately clinging on to for the past 2 (?) years can keep me alive past then..i think im going to die. i have#to#NO MORE BEING A DOWNER#fox (vulpes vulpes) on the Internet for the first time#okay maybe a little more..i dont know who im talking to in this post. my friends do not read my tumblr and. i dont know anyone else.really.#uh#I'm listen to tmbg right now i love them#hey reader; i can only think of 3 people who see enough about me to check my blog. so i have separate questions for the each of you.#one of you likes (liked? school came in and i couldnt see your blog much past then; idk if its changed) tmbg. what do you think of The Else?#and uh you there... the guyyy. Google john flansburgh..i dont have a reason to this one ive just not been able to stop thinking about askin#you what you think of him.#um third person..... um#okay theres nothing iecan ask. i do want to apologize to you though: im sorry.#iThis is bullshit#im gonna delete this soon#Um also sorry if my wording here is. really wack. i tend to do that#i dont think anyones going to see this as is always#i think i just like talking to the hypothetical beast. yeah
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nerdie-faerie · 4 months
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Bout to test this public WiFi
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chipjrwibignaturals · 5 months
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i wish i was like. actually Skilled with stories
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makedamnsvre · 8 months
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still it was sooooooo funny and uncomfortable at the psych appointment because she saw ? somewhere in papers/files that my mom and dad divorced in.... 2015 i think and shes all like "so.... usually divorce causes problems in children... how was that for you was it hard on you...?" acting all nervous/gentle like lmaooooo thats not even the worst part i dont think i cared about the divorce In Comparison to Everything Else. hed been abusive to my mom and generally neglectful not great to us (me and sibling) and theyd been separated for 6 years before the divorce because he kept going to jail for drug related things which he would often steal money from us for it and generally made my moms life hell by like manipulating and emotionally abusing her and hed have violent tantrums where he broke things (there are still holes in the walls and other damage in the house from him) and also sorta ruined our lives a bit and then in 2019 he was accused of some crime and he ran away to escape getting arrested or whatever and i think legally he is classified as a missing person and we dont even know if hes alive or not.
so like the divorce was whatever to me i guess.
#i think abt this sometimes and its just weird to me#like not the psych appointment that was just like 4 days ago. like the dad situation#its uncomfortable to think he might be dead and its also uncomfortable to think about what the hell hes doing if hes Out There#before id actually searched him up on the internet a few times within the past few years wondering if something was found out and i wasnt#told or something. seeing if maybe there was a police report or something or even an obituary or something. but there wasnt#this got more serious than i meant it to be :/ but he was diagnoses with bipolar so the psych think i have that. not sure abt that#but like i kinda want to talk about this or like tell people i know about it mostly bc i just feel like idk i feel like this is something.#like. i think it says things about me i feel like maybe this information would give people a more complete view of me in a way#i guess lawl but also i know its uncomfortable probably and im scared of that. the widespread hate of 'trauma dumping' makes me#feel like i cant tell people things that might be uncomfortable#oh and i guess something else about this is while obviously this has psychological effects but the effects feel more. not mild#but. interwoven. they dont seem as apparent or like they dont stand out as much. like i get more upset about the topic of outdoor cats#than i get upset about this. like for me this was just something that happened i guess. mostly bc i know that basically everyone#has some kind of issues with their parents. or at least most people i know lawl. me befriending people like#OMG youre also fatherless !? so twinning right now#or like other things like crappy parents or divorce or this or that.#but i think thats most people but also maybe i just have a skewed perception lol
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sludgeguzzler · 2 years
Text
im so glad im getting better lately and thinking of the future as full of possibilities and options. what really keeps me going lately has been thinking about graduating high school and moving out and going to college, getting a job, living my life normaly and on my own pace, which is such a big change from the plans i had made just a few months back. im feeling sorta hopeful about my future for once and its great. i want to grow old now. its great
#i mean it doesnt mean i have a clear vision of what i want to be as an adult and if im even gonna go to college#but. idk im living through it#gosh im just. im just so so glad i cant put it into words#its funny too cus just a couple of days ago i was in absolute misery because of the big test i had to do dfshgh#but actually doing it made something click for me i think. i came out of the building feeling so#so light i guess#it was raining a bit and i just wanted to walk#so i told my mom it was too crouded and for her to pick me up someplace else#and i walked to a bus stop while eating one of the worst cereal bars i have ever eaten and my shoes were all muddy and i had a headache#but idk. i felt. really good#you see i am a certified teenager im six months away from being 17 im living that late teen blues#where my face is becoming a little less greasy and my frontal lobe a little more developed#and that means its almost time for college and for drinking and for partying and for moving out#and like. man#its dawned on me that the plans i had the ones about offing myself when i graduated highschool#they just odnt hold up anymore#i WANT to graduate i WANT to move out to my own apartment#i WANT to get a job; to come out properly; to study art; to put these years behind me and live#and im not saying i want to embrace everything that comes with adulthood no#what the fuck even is a tax. what do you mean i have to pay for my own internet. what the hell water bill#but just the fact that i actually want to go through all the shit parts so i can live the good parts means a lot to me#idk at this point im just rambling#dont want to kill myself anymore yippie hooray#schools definetelly gonna be Hell next year but i want to get through it so i can live the good part of life#im also ok about not going to college. like fuck man if i dont go then i didnt go thats that#i do have one (1) cringe unrealistic expectation which is omg what if me and my current bf stayed together forever [autism stare]#at this point im just incoherently rambling sorry there was alot i wanted to say and i ended up losing whatever sense of writing i had.#if you read through all of thank you tho. extremely personal i know but idk. im happy#sg.txt
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