Chapter 11. Grief
‘Still, I was bent
and my laughter,
as the poet said,
was nowhere to be found.'
Mary Oliver
“Do you want to talk about it?”
I allowed myself a loud sigh now that I could. “Lately I want to talk about nothing. But what are you referring to?”
I heard Cadie’s steps as she approached and leaned against the door to the the bathroom in my room. “Harry.”
I froze, bobby pin in the air as I struggled with a few loose strands. I avoided my own eyes in the mirror.
“There’s nothing to talk about.”
I finished adjusting my second black fascinator in less than twenty-four hours in silence. Checking my makeup one last time, I made my way out, avoiding her as I did, trying to keep busy.
“We essentially met last weekend, texted a bit-”
“Planned a date.” She offered.
“And then we stopped.”
“And now he’s here.” She continued, ignoring the finality in my tone. “And so is Christopher.”
“So is my brother’s body.” I shrugged, looking at her, dramatically. “So it’s not exactly romantic.”
I grabbed my purse, my shoes, and sighed. “Sorry. I…”
“No, it’s okay. I get it.”
“Still.” I looked at her. “I’m sorry. I know you’re trying to help. It’s just… a lot. Too much, actually.”
She nodded, slowly. “Still. I know it happened so fast you probably didn’t even really tell anyone that something was happening with him. And you probably won’t feel like doing that now, so… if you need to talk about it. I’m here.”
I smiled. “I know… I just, I don’t know… It’s not the time.”
“You’re human. You’re allowed to feel more than one emotion at once. It’s okay to feel grief and also want to talk about a guy you like.”
I smiled. “...I did forget how cute he was.”
“Yes. Even if we don’t… in the future, even if we no longer work together, I’ll always be here, you know? Jobs end, but NDA’s are forever.”
“Are you- do you want to leave?”
I watched her eyes grow worried. “No! I mean, I understand that things have… changed-”
“Cadie.” I took in a long breath. “If you want to leave, I’ll understand.”
“That’s not what I meant.”
“I know this…” I gulped. “This next job I’ll have to do… it’s not exactly what you signed up for, so I understand if you don’t want to do this anymore.”
“Margu-Ma’am,” she approached, quickly, “I don’t want to leave, but I do understand that I… may not fit your new… job.”
“Why would you say that? You’re great at your job.”
She sighed, biting a lip. “Well,”
“Tell me.” I asked, worried.
“I was told that since you’re the Crown Princess now, even if you’re still not addressed as such, my qualifications no longer apply to the kind of help you’ll need.”
“Says who?!” She said nothing, which in its own way said everything. “Why-I don’t understand!”
“Montennon has been training Auguste for nearly a decade so he could work with your brother when he took on a more active role as Crown Prince. I’m not even Savoyen.”
“Thats-That’s so-!” I stuttered, angrily, opening the doors and leaving my room with my shoes in hand. “That’s unbelievable! What do they expect, for me to fire you?!”
“I technically work for the Crown. So you wouldn’t have to, they will.”
“That’s ridiculous!” I turned to her. “You’re not going anywhere. Unless you want to, as I said, and I’ll understand, but unless you quit, you’re not going anywhere!”
I marched to the door, feeling my heart beating painfully as I pondered on how it was possible for my father to avoid any real conversation with me about my future for a whole week and still try to make decisions about it without consulting me.
Downstairs, I entered the reception room where my extended family on both sides and royals from all over the world were congregated, talking. My eyes quickly found, next to a fireplace, tea cups in hand, my cousin Klaus of Luxembourg and his sisters, Josephine and Catarina. Harry had been talking to them before, but was nowhere to be found now. Josephine’s fiance was sitting in a two-seat sofa nearby talking to my father’s first cousin once removed, the Earl of Tròil, whose daughter, Lady Lucy of Tròil was standing by the doors with her first cousin Lord Marcel Freyee. They were respectively sixteen and fifteen years old, and were talking with my first cousins, Princess Maryanne and Prince James, eighteen and sixteen, whose father was Uncle Albert.
I joined them for something to do.
“Is it almost time?” James asked me, and I nodded.
“The coffin must be halfway there by now.” I told them.
Lucy sighed, touching her headpiece. “I thought my first time wearing a fascinator would have been… more enjoyable.”
“Oh, that’s right.” Maryanne smiled. “You turned sixteen. They become less fun as you go along.”
“Well, you look lovely.” I told Lucy, who smiled sadly.
“You do, too, Maggie. You look… queenly.”
I stared at the floor, a rehearsed polite smile on my lips.
“That reminds me, will you have to quit your job now?” Marcel asked.
“Don’t!” James said, “You and Heloise are the only ones in this family with actual, badass careers.”
“She won’t have a choice, you dick.” Marcel returned.
James shrugged. “If someone told me to quit my job just for being born in this family, which wasn’t even my choice, I’d just refuse to.”
“Don’t worry,” his sister, Maryanne condescended, sarcastically, “it’s not like you’re high in the succession line, they won’t need your honorable sacrifice.”
The others laughed as James rolled his eyes, but I felt a weight on my stomach.
The room suddenly quieted when Lourdes’ shrieking voice rose.
“Maman! What is wrong with you?! Just say something!”
After yelling, she seemed to realize she had our attention, and quickly stepped out of the room, which filled with murmurs when she did.
“What happened?!” Maryanne asked no one in particular.
“I should go check on her.” I told them, following Lourdes.
I marched through the halls searching for any sign of Lourdes when, finally, a guard told me she saw her running up the stairs. I sighed, removed my heels for more speed, and ran up.
I turned right, followed along, and climbed the narrower staircase to the West hall at the North Wing; in the last few steps, I started to overhear my sister’s voice, and she wasn’t alone.
“She seems… drunk. All the time, but I know she hasn’t been drinking, she just doesn’t care. Louis died and now she doesn’t care about anything.” My sister said, voice weak, trembly.
“Have you ever heard the saying, ‘people grieve differently’?”
I stopped mid-step, two steps away from the end of the stairs, my heart in my throat. Harry.
“You know, I was younger than you when my mother died. I felt… well, I wanted to cry all day, every day. My brother got impatient, he was a teenager…” I could hear the eyeroll in his voice, “my father got overly protective. My uncle was aggressive. It’s like… no one was acting like themselves. And worst of all, for me, no one was acting like I wanted them to. But they were acting like they had to in order to process the pain and loss.” He paused again, longer this time. “Some people, in grief, cry and can’t stop thinking of it, some need to avoid it at all costs or they might crumble, some have to think of ways to honor the person they lost as a way of making the loss… worth it, in a way.”
I quietly walked up to the last step, straining my ears to hear them.
He went on, as Lourdes didn’t answer, “Ever since humans have been alive, they have died. And ever since humans have died, they’ve hurt, and ever since then people have judged each other by how they hurt. They’re not suffering like me, so they must not be suffering. See, you chose to run out here, the people at the gates chose to bring flowers and watch a building over someone they didn’t know, your mother seems to have chosen to barricade in her room… but, at the end of the day, pain is pain. People just express it in different ways.”
There was another long pause; I carefully leaned in to observe them. Lourdes was sitting in the wide, marbled aperture at the window. Harry sat next to her, both watching the wall in front.
“Does it… does it ever get better?” She asked, not looking quite at him.
Harry considered her question for a while, seeming to struggle to give her an answer that wouldn’t quite be a lie. “You get better at remembering only the good parts.”
There was another pause, and I thought it was as good a time as any to interrupt. I stepped into the hallway looking at the opposite way, to pretend I didn’t know they were there.
Lourdes quickly looked back to her phone when she saw me, drying her tears. Harry looked- well, I didn’t know, as I avoided his eyes by looking at the floor. When I reached them, he stood up, politely, and bowed his head unnecessarily, breaking my heart more than I thought was possible again.
“Hi.” I said, at him, but looking at my sister.
“Hello.” He replied. “I… We- I didn’t get a chance to say earlier… But, Louis- God, Marie, I was so sorry when I heard-”
“Of course, yes… I know, and, I’m sorry.”
“You? Why?”
“I… I don’t know.” I confessed. “I just… we were talking when he-- well, and I couldn’t tell you, and then there was so much happening at once I just turned off my phone and didn’t reply--to anyone! Not just you--”
“Of course, I understand, absolutely!” He nodded.
There was a long, silent pause while we took turns looking at each other and looking away. I was suddenly very aware I still had my shoes on my hands, but decided that putting them on now would only draw his attention to them.
“I--”
“You--”
Attempting to talk at the same time, we let out a short, embarrassed, nasalised chuckle.
“Please, you go--”
“You were say--?”
As it happened again, mortified, I wanted the floor to open and swallow me whole.
“Where’s your boyfriend?” Lourdes interrupted, making me jump slightly.
“Who? Oh,” I was so nervous I forgot to roll my eyes, “Chris is downstairs.”
There was a brief, awkward silence where it seemed we didn’t know how to move on. I tried looking at Harry this time, but he wasn’t looking at me.
“Harry said people grieve differently.”
I exchanged a look with him, who seemed to blush at his own words.
“That’s very true.”
“Is that why you’ve done nothing but worry about the funeral all week?”
I looked at my sister, pretty as a porcelain doll except for the red eyes.
“I suppose.” I confessed. “I guess I… You know, there’s just too much happening at the same time… With my job, and Louis, and…” I stole a look at Harry, without meaning to, “everything else, it’s just a lot. So I… I’ve been trying to focus on one day at a time. I can handle one day at a time. No reason to worry about my job today, we have to focus on the funeral. And yesterday? We had to focus on the vigil. And the day before, I had to confirm the flowers were in order. I can’t deal with my future right now, but today? I can handle today.”
“Is that why you’ve been scratching your hands so much they’re bleeding?”
Embarrassed, I gulped, looking past her through the windows, feeling the scratches in my palms stinging with renewed energy.
“I…” I sighed, approaching to sit next to her in the large window still. “I guess… Well, I read once that the brain can only focus on one source of pain at a time, so when I feel like… like crying, I scratch my palms just a little bit to stop myself from crying.”
I dared a look at her, and she had her brows wrinkled looking at me.
“That’s… not okay, Maggie.”
I smiled, sadly. “I…”
“I thought you said it was okay to cry.” She interrupted. “After Aunt Marilou told me to be strong and not cry today, you told me not to listen to her, you said crying is okay--”
“It is.” Harry volunteered. We looked at him, but he was looking at me.
“It is.” I agreed. “But it’s… it’s different.”
“How?”
“It…” I sighed, wishing Harry would just… leave. “It just is.”
“Because you’re older?”
“I--”
“Or because you’re the heir now?!”
I bit my lower lip, avoiding Harry’s eyes.
The one thing I did not want to remind him of, the one thing I had hoped he might not have quite understood despite all the bowing, and the lack of communication between us. Now, there it was. The truth I had been trying not to face.
“I’m not the Crown Princess yet.” I said, avoiding both their eyes.
“Yes, you are.” She rolled her eyes. “Just because you’re not officially being addressed as such until the mourning period is over, doesn’t change the fact you’re the first in line to the throne. And why should that matter, anyway?”
“Because…” I sighed. “Because when people look at us, they can see a reason to be sad, or a reminder that there will be hope again.”
I raised my head, thrusting my shoulders back.
“So, yes, Lourdes, I can’t cry because I want them to know that it’ll be okay.”
There was a long, silent pause. I dared a look at Harry, but he was now staring into nothing, avoiding my eyes in the general direction of the wall, looking sadder than I had ever seen him.
A walking contradiction, I wanted to hug him. I wanted, at the same time, both for him to leave and forget this entire conversation, especially the part about my hands, and I wanted to hold him close, to be held by him, and to forget there was anything else happening in my life at all. Both options were so equally distant at that time I felt like crying again.
“Why is that your job?” Lourdes asked, whispery.
I couldn’t say the words, even if I knew them. Not without crying. Not with my heart beating painfully in my throat. Not with Harry standing right there.
“Because she’ll be Queen one day.” He said, resolutely.
There was something particularly heartbreaking about hearing it from him, and because the words were the harshest truth I couldn’t hide from, I slowly forced myself to look at him. There was something in his eyes; something so painful and loving I wanted to avoid, and yet, couldn’t look away from.
He gulped, “and people need strength from their Queen.”
“That’s not fair.”
I looked at her. “Nothing about this is fair.”
I didn’t count how long we sat in silence before Harry cleared his throat.
“I should go back downstairs.” He said, and I got to my feet.
“Of course.”
“If…” he started, blushing again, “I know this is terribly difficult, and you may prefer your privacy, which I understand, but… I do know what it’s like… so, if I can be of any service, at all, to you both,” he looked at Lourdes, kindly, “please don’t hesitate to reach out.”
I wanted to hug him again, to tell him how much it meant that he had dedicated time to her, that he’d tried to reach out to this child because he could never forget what it was like to be her. Instead I linked my hands together, painfully tightly.
Lourdes looked at him, then looked back at her phone, timidly. I mouthed a ‘thank you’ I hoped would convey a lot more emotions than I could name. He gave me a sad smile and bowed again, a final nail to my coffin, before stepping away.
Just as I sat down, he returned.
“Incidentally, how do I go back downstairs?” He asked, blushing, making me smile.
I got to my feet and walked him the few steps to the small corridor leading into the staircase I had just come from.
“Down these stairs, then left ‘till the end of the hall, down the main staircase and then left again.”
He nodded, “Left, end of the hall, down and left again.”
“You got it.”
We exchanged an awkward, overly polite smile. He gave my sister a quick look to where she was still sitting at the window, just out of earshot if we spoke low enough.
It occured to me this was the first time I was alone with him since London. After formally greeting him the night before in front of my family and the world’s cameras, I had gone on to avoid him altogether after the vigil, and ever since.
“I was wondering…” He started, whispery, looking at the ground, his cheeks slightly redder than usual.
Then, he smiled; not the awkwardly polite smile we’d both been using, but his own, flirty, slightly naughty grin. It was so familiar it caught me completely off guard. He looked at me again.
“Is walking shoeless around palaces a hobby?”
I looked down at my shoeless feet, wrapped only in my black tights, awarding him a sincere smile, my first in a whole week. “Only with you.”
His smile grew a little, and he bit his lower lip. “Hey, I was wondering… Could we… talk?”
I felt my smile disappear, “Later, of course, I don’t want to… to… well, to be a bother, but I… I was just wondering, you know?” he gulped, “If we… if we could… well, talk.”
“I…” I started, completely unaware of where I should take that sentence, “I am… it’s not a good– I’m… I have my hands sort of full–”
“Of course, yes,” he agreed, quickly, “I just mean, later, after the funeral, when you have some… time.”
I nodded, wanting to say yes more than anything, but terrified of what I may say if we did talk. I decided to compromise with,
“I’ll… I’ll try.”
Harry smiled a sincere, sad smile. “Politely diplomatic, as always.”
With one last bow, he turned to the stairs, and left. I wanted to sit on the floor and cry for three days, but I didn’t have that kind of time, so instead I went back to my sister, and sat at the window next to her, putting on my damn shoes.
“Does Chris know you’re flirting with someone else in your spare time?”
I sighed, wondering if she had returned to her spiteful new self. “He broke up with me, why would he care?”
“So you are flirting with him.”
“No, Lourdes, I am not. I am just… reminding you Chris isn’t my boyfriend.”
She gave me a condescending look. “Really? Is that why he’s been here every day this week?”
“He’s being a friend.”
“Not what people are saying.”
She clicked a few times on the screen of her phone before showing me an article on Vanity Fair: ‘Savoy’s New Crow Princess back with childhood sweetheart amongst preparations for brother’s funeral’. Another two clicks and she returned the page to a google search, clicking on the next article, from a Savoyen gossip magazine, which read, ‘Christopher Massé has been Crow Princess Margueritte’s rock during grief, friends say’. Another article read, ‘Christopher Massé has been a frequent visitor to Callois Palace since the passing of crown prince’, and included a couple dozen pictures of Chris arriving at the gates in his own car.
“I can’t believe they really care about that at a time like this.”
“There’s a lot of articles about… us. They’re really invested in who you might marry now that you’ll be, you know.”
Queen. I did know.
“Also about Faye not having been here until yesterday, which I think it’s too much.” She added. “And the Luxembourg’s arriving late. And everything else, really... So, you’re not back together?”
“N--no”, I stuttered, “I think. I don’t know.”
“Does he?”
I sighed, grabbing the phone from her and half-mindedly scrolling through a Buzzfeed article. “He broke up with me for a reason, Lou.”
“He’s been really helpful.”
I smiled, recognizing the tone of hope in her voice, the melancholic nostalgy for us to return to happier days.
“I know. He’s a good friend, he’s always been.”
She stared at the painting across from us. “I like him.”
“Everyone does”, I sighed.
“Do you?”
I smiled. “I spent ten years loving him. That’s not something you forget easily.”
She grinned. “That’s not a no.”
“Shut up.”
“Do you like Harry?”
I sighed, looking at the end of the hallway where he’d just disappeared. I couldn’t give the answer I wanted, so I gave the answer I should.
“...it doesn’t matter. You heard him, I’ll– Well, I’ll be Queen”, I said, trying to scratch my hands through the gloves, the word felt foreign and scary in my throat, “…he doesn’t want that.”
“Then forget about him. Chris is better looking anyway. Even if Harry is taller…”
I rolled my eyes, grinning. In her phone, something started playing. I had accidentally hit play on a video. It showed the people at the palace gates, singing a song.
“I wish there was something we could do. To let them know we appreciate them.”
The song wasn’t fully understandable because of the video quality, but people’s faces were. Men and women, old and young, children, they were… so clearly sad. It had felt disingenuous before, because surely they didn’t know my brother like we did, but now… my heart just hurt knowing, even if in different ways, maybe in different levels, we were all suffering together.
From my side, I heard more than saw Lourdes trying to stifle a sob, and when I looked at her, she was crying again.
“Hey,” I soothed, scooching over to her, “it’s okay…”
I regretted the words almost immediately. Of course it wasn’t okay, whatever it was. Nothing was okay.
She tried to look away, but it was obvious she was crying. Her face hadn’t really been its normal color all week, it was just in a constant state of red.
“Lourdes?” I tried, fearing reaching over to caress her back. I’d been slightly afraid to touch her all week, scared she might explode at me again.
“I didn’t–”, she tried, stuttering, “I didn’t write it.”
“What?”
She closed her eyes forcefully, “I couldn’t write the letter…”
I reached over with one hand, soothing her back, “The letter for Louis? For the funeral?”
She nodded, hiccuping. “I tr–tried, but I just… I kept crying, and… and it always came out so angry! Not– not at him!” She looked at me, despair on her eyes, “At… everything, and everyone, and I just… I didn’t want– I didn’t think–”
She started sobbing again, and I threw caution to the wind, and my purse and her phone to the side, and pulled her closer in a hug. She let herself lay on my chest as I pulled her hair back, caressing it slowly.
“I didn’t want it– to be about that, it shouldn’t, he– he wasn’t angry, never, but I–”
“Lourdes, it’s okay,” I tried to tell her confidently, but my voice was just as shaky as hers, “I promise, it’s okay.”
“It’s not, it’s not–now I have nothing to read…”
“It’s okay, hey, that doesn’t matter!”
“Yes, it does,” she sat up, “they’ll call my name and I have nothing, I was– I was going to try and improvise, but that’s– that’s so disrespectful, I– I couldn’t even prepare somet–”
“Hey!” I held her face in my hands, so she’d look at me, “Hey, Louis is all that matters, okay? Louis! And you know him, he’d never care about what you do in public! He cares about you, and he knows, whatever it is you want to say to him, he’ll know!”
I caught her falling tears with my gloved hands, trying to give her a steady smile.
“Whether you do it in public, or at the burial, or alone in your room later, he’ll know, and that’s the only thing that matters.”
She nodded, hiccuping again, calmer this time.
“But my name is already in the program.”
“Don’t worry about the program. It only says you’ll do a reading, not what you’ll be reading. I’ll get you a poem. Can you read a poem?”
She took her time drying her tears, and taking a deep breath, before looking at me again.
“I think so.”
“Well, there you go, dollface.” I fixed her hair behind her ear. She smiled a little at the old nickname, and the sight made my heart feel a little less broken. “There’s nothing we can’t fix, okay?”
She stared at her hands in her lap, “Even mom?”
I sighed, caressing her back again. I looked back, through the window at the blue skies beyond the palace, feeling my heart break again. I pulled her in for another hug, and she let me.
We both knew that wasn’t a promise I could make.
--- ---- ---
Outfit
[A/N: Did you notice the moment when lourdes referred to chris as her boyfriend in front of H and MM didn’t correct her and H heard it? Yeah. He definitely thinks they’re back together. SORRY. THANK YOU FOR READING THOUGH IT MEANS SO MUCH TO ME!!!! LET ME KNOW YOUR THOUGHTS?????]
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