#LITERALLY SANASOL

[dutten-does-the-fanfic]

I Want You Here With Me (Is It Too Much to Ask for Something Great) ch. 13

Title:  I Want You Here With Me (Is It Too Much to Ask for Something Great) ch. 13 of 14 (ch. 1)     Pairing: Isak Valtersen/Even Bech Næsheim     Word count: 14.350 Warnings: Language, explicit sexual content, internalized homophobia, closeting, using alcohol as an unhealthy coping mechanism

AO3

Summary:  The one where it’s been two years since Isak last saw or spoke with Even, and no one knows that Isak ever knew Even at all

Present

Nothing is magically solved after that.

Even spends five awful hours yelling on the phone – Isak can’t tell at who specifically, probably more than one person. He’s never heard Even sound this furious and it’s honestly a bit terrifying.

Isak had always been the one who’d been quick to yell and shout, bottling things up until everything spills out. Even had internalized everything, going quiet and letting the hurt fester.

Maybe the turning point had been receiving shady divorce papers already signed and then being completely ghosted except for one phone call where he’d been told to come pick his shit up or it would get thrown out. Not that Isak had thrown anything out. He’d saved the stuff he wasn’t able to part with and then left everything else behind for Even or his team to take care of.

Once the phone call is over with, Even hides himself away in Isak’s room and doesn’t come out for two hours, all of which Isak spends pacing between the hallway, the kitchen, and Jonas’ room, debating whether or not he should go in and check on him.

He wouldn’t have hesitated before, he knows, but things aren’t exactly the same as before. They’re different, because they’re supposed to be. ‘Different’ is going to be ‘better’.

When Even comes back out, he’s hesitant about it, looking at Isak with big, vulnerable eyes. The apologies are falling out of his mouth before Isak’s finished taking the first step towards him.

A lot is learned from that phone call.

The NDA is technically rendered invalid – even if there hadn’t been so many shady legal issues with its existence in the first place, any signature of Isak’s was void the second the information became public knowledge.

The divorce never got finalized – Isak hadn’t doubted that Even hadn’t signed the papers, but at this point he’s far beyond taking things at face value and believing that goddamn legal team couldn’t have wormed their way into getting things to be how they wanted them to be.

Knowing he’s still married doesn’t come as big of a shock as it did when Even had told him, but it still feels like a punch to the stomach, makes him feel hollow and full at the same time and so off kilter he has to sit down.

Even looks at him with worried eyes, so Isak lets him run his fingers through his hair until he doesn’t feel as off-centered.

It’s not that he doesn’t want to be married, doesn’t want to be married with Even, it’s just that he’s spent literal years thinking he wasn’t, and knowing he is takes a bit more adjustment that Isak had thought it would’ve.

Even’s new management team – new in brackets, because apparently the team from hell hasn’t represented him since his second short film had come out – wants him to do interviews, wants for him to be out there, riding the free publicity wave to the fullest, but Even refuses.

It freaks the both of them out, though, reminding them that this is so much bigger than the two of them. It makes Isak question any future that they could have, because Even is a public figure, he’s a world-famous director, and Isak is a university student, hasn’t even gotten his BA yet.

Which is how they end up having their first massive row since that day in the kitchen when everything had blown up and finally come to light.

“What are you supposed to do, show up on the red carpet with me on your arm?”

“What’s wrong with having you on my arm?”

They’re not mad at each other, that’s not what it’s about. It’s years upon years of deeply layered insecurities and being terrified.

Even had ended up doing a series of tweets in the middle of the night when he hadn’t been able to fall asleep because of the nerves. His hands had been shaking, and he’d done typo after typo until his fancy phone had almost given up. Then he’d shut his phone off entirely and had kept his focus on Isak so he wouldn’t be tempted to check what people were saying about him, about them.

Isak can’t remember if they slept that night, in the end so exhausted their bodies had just given up, but he does remember the feeling of lying with Even, so close to him, and doing nothing but enjoying being with each other. It wasn’t exactly like they’d never done this before, but it had been freeing in a sense, the threatening knowing that they had to keep quiet, keep to the shadows, gone.

Then there are the things that you can’t learn from a phone call.

Magnus – for all of his support and kindheartedness – had been the first one to break and ask if they’re done being Debbie Downers yet so he can invite Vilde over.

Isak is left so flabbergasted he doesn’t even get a good one in about Magnus and Vilde apparently being an actual thing now.

Coming out is easier when you’re technically already out.

Telling people isn’t as difficult as Isak had always feared. The words, “This is Even, he’s my husband,” sound weird coming out of his mouth, and most time he only manages to get out “This is Even,” before he clamps shut.

Still, Even meets Eskild and Linn and he meets the girls – Sana he apparently already knows. It kind of blows Isak’s mind that Sana is Elias’ sister, that they’re siblings, that Isak has been so close to the people who mattered to Even and hadn’t even realized it.

In turn, Isak meets Even’s boys, feeling awkward as hell. Mikael he’s already met, but he hasn’t exactly made the best impression on him by first running away and then being the stranger that Even had married and who was now taking care of him after not speaking to each other for two years. It’s weird with all of them, though, because Isak feels like he’s technically known all of them since he was fifteen with how vividly Even would describe everything.

It goes well, though, for both of them. Eskild is clearly still a little hurt, but he’s putting his best foot forward without being forced to by Isak’s begging looks. Eva’s great at being welcoming, but she always was. Yousef is a little stilted with Isak, but Elias has apparently appointed himself to be the tension-diffuser which means telling stories about dumb shit that the group used to get up to. Isak doesn’t tell him that he already knows the stories, that’s not the point.

Sana shows up with an armful of notebooks, giving him a look that isn’t nearly as chilling as it would’ve been when they’d first been forced into each other’s orbits. He grins at her, tells her “thank you, Sanasol,” which makes Sana roll her eyes, but she’s smiling as well.

She doesn’t comment on how this was why Isak had been so wrong, why he’d taken to hiding away from the world, sometimes using her as a means for it. She also doesn’t say anything about his breakdown in the empty classroom. She really is a great best bud, Isak had been right about that.

Isak is lucky. He knows that. He knows a lot of people don’t get to have this positive a response from the people they’re closest to. But then there’s also the fact that it isn’t only the people in Isak’s life that he’s come out to, that it’s everyone in the world who knows and who feels entitled to express their opinions on it.

There are a lot of opinions on it.

Isak makes it a point not to look himself or Even up, but his restraint hasn’t improved in the past two years where he’s been making himself that promise anyway and is yet to manage keeping it.

He can’t remember ever having been called this many names, not even when Elias and his friends had been ganging up on him for most of his time in school. It puts him in a weird mood, a real funk that he can’t seem to shake himself out of.

The boys try to help, but they don’t understand. Isak isn’t sure he understands it, either.

It’s not until he one morning wakes up alone, panicked because what if, what if, what if and stumbling out of bed to check if Even’s gone, that he manages to shake himself out of his rut.

Because he finds Even in the kitchen, bathed in the early morning sunlight, wearing the Jesus t-shirt that Isak probably should’ve given up on years ago, bare footed, and wielding a spatula, scrambling up some eggs and toasting two slices of bread.

He smiles when he sees Isak, albeit a bit concerned at the state of him, and he welcomes him with open arms when Isak treads closer, holding him tightly and shielding him from the heat of the stove as he continues to mix the eggs.

It doesn’t matter, Isak realizes. It doesn’t matter one single bit what everyone online or in real life is saying about him or about Even or about him and Even. As long as he gets to have this, this is what matters.

Even leaves for a week to live with Mikael. Not that they really suspect the forced proximity of basically living together is doing anything good or bad to them, it’s just a precaution. They haven’t even been together in ages, but Isak is still surprised with how much he’d gotten used to Even just always being there.

That week is awful, and the time Even isn’t over at Isak’s anyway is spent texting Even the most inane, random things just because Isak’s heart can’t handle the risk of losing Even again.

They should probably do something to stop it from developing into a codependency that would be really unhealthy for the both of them, but for now they’re both a bit extra clingy, nerves frazzled from finding out that the past two years of their lives have practically been one big lie that could’ve prevented months upon months of heartbreak. It’s not an easy pill to swallow.

It’s still a necessity learning how they fit together again. Isak still remembers how Even takes his coffee and tea and what he likes for breakfast when he’s happy or when he’s stressed, but now there are new things about Even that Isak doesn’t know – like what he’ll insist on throwing into the grocery cart, although Isak’s certain most of it is simply to make Isak laugh.

Isak draws the line at the line of spices Even insists are a necessity to have in one’s spice rack. Isak tells him that he refuses to believe him until he’s able to pronounce Pottagaldrar correctly. Even spends the next minute pronouncing everything just a smidge wrong, and then laughs so hard he has to sit down in the middle of the isle when Isak sing-songs Kardemomme.

Isak is slow at taking off his jacket. He can hear Even in the kitchen, putting away the groceries and rearranging the fridge to his liking, and Isak has missed this.

He had spent so long missing Even that he’d forgotten about all these little things that made up their life together; the grocery shopping and Even putting it away, and Isak picking up after them and doing the laundry, and he has missed this domesticity that they so easily fall into every single time.

The fridge door closes and Even comes out to see why Isak is still loitering in the hall, his jacket hanging limply in one hand.

“Did you fall asleep out here?” Even laughs, then comes closer to grab Isak’s jacket to hang it up on the coat rack.

Even’s leaning down over him when he reaches down for his jacket. He smells good, like clean soap and a scent that’s distinctively Even and a little bit like Isak because he’s wearing his shirt, and he’s all up in Isak’s space and Isak can’t not.

Even steps back once he’s gotten the jacket out of Isak’s limp hold. He’s still smiling and Isak knows he’s just waiting to tease Isak further. He can already see how Even turns to look at him instead of the coat rack.

He’s smiling, wide and with his teeth and so hard that it makes his eyes crinkle. Isak waits until Even’s looking at him to let his eyes wander down to Even’s mouth.

Even when he’s smiling like this, his bottom lip looks plump and Isak really, really wants to kiss him. They haven’t kissed once this entire time, and Isak lets himself have his fill of looking, of following the curve of his cupid’s lip right up to the corner of his mouth that comes closer and closer the more Even stops smiling.

Isak briefly looks up to look at Even’s eyes to see if something’s wrong.

Even looks… so taken aback, but not uncomfortable in the slightest. He misses the knob on the coat rack so Isak’s jacket falls to the ground. Even doesn’t even move to look at it, doesn’t do anything that means he’ll have to look away from Isak.

He swallows, and Isak trails the movement in his throat as well, briefly stopping at his lips when he goes back to look at Even’s eyes again.

Isak licks his lips once, just a peek of his tongue against his bottom lip, but that’s all it takes for Even to take two massive steps and then he’s in Isak’s space.

He pushes him up against the wall harshly enough that Isak loses his breath, and then Even’s lips are on his and Isak can’t keep in his muffled moan at the feeling.

It’s frantic and a bit wet and messy. It feels like the floor is swimming underneath Isak’s feet and he has to touch Even, has to, so he grabs on to whatever bit he first touches – his sides – and curls his hands along his ribs underneath his open hoodie, nails slightly digging into his back through his t-shirt.

Even makes a muffled groan that makes Isak’s blood rush downwards; something that isn’t lessened in the slightest when Even grabs on to his hair and clenches his hand into a fist until his hold is so secure he can move and direct Isak around however he likes.

Even is a warm force pressed up against him, and Isak can feel he’s already hard from where his crotch is pressed up against Isak’s hip. Isak is well on his own way there, if he isn’t there already. God, he can’t breathe, but he isn’t sure he actually wants to. He’s gasping into Even’s mouth at every opportunity and Even is doing the same, but neither of them move away to let the other breathe properly.

It’s so hot and a bit filthy and Isak should probably be worried that they’re doing this out in the hallway, but he literally doesn’t have any part of his brain left that isn’t fully enraptured by Even.

So he doesn’t stop to think until they hear the front door open up and whatever conversation that had been going on halters immediately.

Both Isak and Even tense up before Even draws back. He can’t get far with the way Isak is still holding on to him so desperately, but then again, Even’s hands are still in his hair so it’s not like Isak could take a single step back if he wanted to, had he not already been pressed against the wall.

Jonas is obviously trying to keep a cool, relaxed expression on his face, but Mahdi is grinning like an idiot. Magnus is too far back behind the two of them, but Isak’s willing to bet he’s gaping at them.

Jesus, this is the first time Isak and Even have even kissed in front of them, of course it had to be a heavy make-out session as well instead of an innocent peck before one of them is out the door.

Fuck.

Fuck, Isak can’t breathe and it feels startlingly horrible compared to just seconds before when he hadn’t been able to breathe because of Even.

“Well, well, well,” Jonas is grinning now. “Did you get the grocery shopping done?”

Even clears his throat. This conversation feels very misplaced considering Isak is still pressed up against the wall with Even pressed up against him and they’re in the middle of the hallway and none of them are moving. “It’s in the fridge.”

“Sweet,” Jonas nods. His eyes are soft when he looks at Isak and Isak doesn’t even dare think of how he looks – a bit debauched if anything and quite possibly like his friends are a firing squad here just for him.

Jonas nods again, but this time it doesn’t feel as much as an acknowledgment they’ve gotten the grocery shopping done, but more of a reassurance for Isak. Isak can almost hear Jonas’ thoughts shouting at him across the distance, you’re allowed to kiss your husband!

And Isak – Isak can’t help the grin slowly stretching out across his face, because, yes, he is allowed to kiss his husband. He shouldn’t feel like he’s not allowed, shouldn’t let anyone, whether they’re in his life or not, tell him he can’t kiss his husband. He’s so, so in love with Even, and if he wants to kiss him – and Even wants to kiss him – then he’s going to kiss him.

Jonas must see it on his face, because he’s properly grinning now as he nods one last time.

“Yeah,” Isak should probably clear his throat as well. Despite the interruption, he feels Even’s dick twitch against his hip at the slight raspy sound to his voice. “If that’s all then –“ he leans up on the tips of his toes to press his mouth right up against Even’s ear and whispers, “I’d really like for you to be inside me.”

Even makes a choked sound as his hands momentarily tighten in Isak’s hair. Isak pushes against his stomach until he stumbles back a step, his hands flail for a moment before Isak grabs one and starts tugging him in the direction of his bedroom.

“Alright-y,” Jonas says and reaches over Mahdi to grab onto the door handle. “We’ll just go and play some football, then, if you don’t mind.”

“Really don’t,” Isak calls back. God, he can’t stop smiling and Even is smiling right back at him.

“Wait, what’s Evak doing?” Magnus called out. “What are you do- what are they doing?”

Isak giggles as he drags Even into his room, the slam of his door shutting close keeping out whatever else Magnus might’ve been saying, and then Isak leans up and they’re kissing again.

It’s been literal years since Isak last kissed Even, and he’s fucking missed it. He’s missed Even’s body pressed up against his own, he’s missed the feeling of Even’s lips against his own, against him in general, and he’s missed Even.

It’s goddamn everything.

It’s rediscovering each other, which is a little bit of a weird feeling when Isak remembers just how much time they used to spend just making out. That probably makes it easier to pick it up right where they left off, though, because it doesn’t take long before Even’s kissing him long and deep, turning Isak pliant and needy.

Things don’t feel as terrifying when he’s kissing Even.

Having kissed Even in front of the boys doesn’t feel like the death sentence Isak had thought it would be. Having people know that he likes boys, that he likes – loves Even – doesn’t make his world fall apart.

Isak makes a soft noise when Even pulls back, immediately leaning back in, but Even’s grinning too widely to kiss Isak properly, the way he wants to be kissed. Isak frowns and opens his eyes, hoping a grumpy look will make Even pull himself together quicker.

“I can’t believe you just did that,” Even whispers against his lips, immediately causing Isak’s cheeks to heat up.

He squirms a bit, but he doesn’t feel terrible, not in the way he’d thought he would’ve.

Isak tilts his head back, jaw set as he looks at Even determinedly. “Would you rather I’d have to be quiet?”

All of the air in Even’s lungs comes whooshing out. His fingers dig into Isak’s hips until he’s wriggling forward, trying to get closer or to get Even moving away from the door.

The bed. They should – things suddenly feel a lot more urgent, like it had when Even had dropped Isak’s jacket in favor of keeping his eyes on him.

Isak pushes at Even’s chest to get him moving, but Even is already dipping down to kiss Isak again, delaying Isak’s plans and thoughts for a few seconds before the heat gathering in his center is too insistent for Isak to forget about it.

“Even, Ev, come on – “ the words come out muffled when his lips are still moving against Even’s, but Even still manages to understand him.

“Did you mean it?” he asks, standing still when Isak tries to stumble forward, tries to get them closer to the bed that’s literally so close. “What you said? Did you mean it? Because we don’t – we don’t have to –“

And Even trying to be gallant, trying to let things go slowly when this is hardly the first time they’ve done anything – just the first time this time around – shouldn’t be this much of a turn on, but it is. Isak literally feels dizzy with it, completely breathless as he pulls back just so he can look Even in the eye when he tells him.

“I want it,” he says, then gets shy at the thought of having been too blunt.

Maybe Even had been trying to pause it because he didn’t want it, had changed his mind, had –

“Do – do you?” he asks quietly, suddenly unable to look past the corner of Even’s eye. Asking takes a lot, but that’s a thing they do now, asking. Talking. Because not doing so had been what had made everything so messed up for so long. “We don’t have to –“

Even cuts him off with his lips, which hurts a bit because their teeth end up knocking together and Even somehow manages to nick Isak’s bottom lip slightly with his canine.

“Of course I want to,” Even tells him, licking with the tip of his tongue where his tooth had caught Isak’s skin. “Silly, beautiful boy, of course I want to.”

Even the tips of Isak’s ears feel like they’re a flaming pink.

“Maybe you didn’t,” he counters, not sure why. The knot of anxiety in his heart isn’t easy to get rid of.

Even’s eyes are soft when Isak gets the courage to meet his eyes again. One hand cards through Isak’s hair gently.

“I do,” Even says, sending a hot surge of want through Isak when he remembers an entirely different time when Even had looked at him like that and had said those words to him. “I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t, I promise. Please don’t doubt that, don’t doubt –“ don’t doubt me, Isak knows Even wants to say but probably can’t bring himself to.

Isak not trusting Even and his feelings for Isak had been part of the mess after all. Some wounds need time to heal. Neither of them are entirely okay yet, but they will be. For once, Isak’s entirely certain of that.

“Okay,” Isak says, giving Even two short pecks before he tries to push him backwards towards the bed again. “Okay.”

Even’s malleable this time around, so it doesn’t take more than two seconds before the back of his knees knock against the bed and he sits down, grinning up at Isak.

Leaning down to kiss Even also feels like a novelty that it shouldn’t, because they’ve done this before, Isak keeps reminding himself.

Even must be able to sense the inner turmoil Isak’s tumbling around with in his thoughts, because he pulls back to check on Isak again.

But Isak does decidedly not want to be checked on, so Even doesn’t get further than opening his mouth before Isak falls forward at the same time as he’s pushing Even down so they both end up lying on the bed, facing each other.

“Faen,” Even laughs, hurrying to curl his hands around Isak’s waist again. “God, you startled me.”

Isak’s grinning, wants a little bit to tease Even and tell him, “good”, but he wants to kiss him more, so he does that instead.

Kissing is good. It’s so good. Isak never wants to stop. He twists onto his back so he can pull Even on top of him, improving the angle immensely. Feels Even tongue against the seam of his lips, pushing in just slightly before he pulls away again, breaking their lips apart.

Isak didn’t mean for the whine to come out, but Even hadn’t been there to muffle it, so it sounds a lot louder than Isak had thought it would’ve.

He feels Even’s breath huff lightly against his cheek when he presses his lips there instead of on Isak’s mouth, then feels his lips press against his jaw, and then down, down, down.

The giggle bubbles out of Isak’s mouth before he can stop it, and he squirms away from Even’s mouth, pressing his cheek against his shoulder reflexively.

Even pauses in confusion, but soon a way too satisfied grin splits across his face.

“What was that?”

Isak flushes and kicks out at Even weakly, his knee more so caressing his side than anything else. “Nothing, kiss me,” he tries to deflect, but Even leans back when Isak clenches his stomach to hold himself up.

“You turned into a little girl when I started to kiss you.”

“I wasn’t ready for neck-action!” Isak protests, his cheeks warm, but he’s laughing as well.

“’Neck-action’,” Even laughs, finally leaning down, but he kisses Isak right at the dip of the base of his throat. “If you’re not even ready for ‘neck-action’, then how will the ‘dick-action’ go down?”

“’Dick-action’,” Isak groans, hiding his face behind the palms of his hands much to Even’s amusement. “What the fuck is wrong with you? You did not just say that.”

Even is laughing too hard to reply, the asshole. He’s a heavy weight on top of Isak, body gone too limp to hold himself up anymore.

And Isak should be groaning, should be teasing Even relentlessly for actually having said the words ‘dick-action’ out loud, but instead he shuffles his left thigh out from underneath Even’s weight and uses it alongside his right leg to wrap around Even’s waist, pulling him in closer and closer and closer until he can’t breathe.

This time it feels like he can’t breathe because he’s laughing too hard for Even to be lying on top of him like this. For all of the reasons why Isak has been unable to breathe in the past, this is probably one of his favorites.

“The mood is all over the place,” Isak complains, says more than anything really.

It’s difficult to complain when Even is smiling like that at him.

“It’s good,” Even assures him, pressing his hips down against Isak’s so he can feel for himself just how good it really is.

Isak has to admit that it does feel dizzyingly good.

“I forgot how fun this is,” Even whispers, fingers running along Isak’s hairline softly. “Or, well, not forgot necessarily, but – you know what it’s like when you know about something because you used to do it every single day, like, you know how hard it was to get up at six every morning because you had to go to school, but you don’t remember the feeling of being so tired and just wanting to stay home? It’s like that. I knew I always loved you and loved having you this way, but I wouldn’t and couldn’t let myself fully remember what it was really like.”

Isak knows. Isak knows this, because he feels it too, but he doesn’t know how to explain it to Even, so instead he pulls Even down by his neck and presses his lips against his.

It doesn’t feel as frantic as it had out in the hall, but it feels deeper than anything else Isak has ever felt. He feels it in his stomach, in his heart, in his lungs, all the way down to his toes.

Even plucks at the hem of the hoodie Isak’s wearing. “Love seeing you in this.”

Isak licks his bottom lip, Even following the movement as if in a trance. They’re both breathing a bit harshly. “But maybe not right now?” he finishes for Even.

“Maybe not right now,” Even agrees, and then they’re shuffling until Even’s up on his knees and Isak’s crunching high enough that he can get the hoodie off with Even’s help.

Isak falls back on the bed with an umph, but the sound has barely left his lips before he’s leaning up again to wrench off his t-shirt, and then help Even out as well.

“Too many layers,” he complains much to Even’s amusement.

“It’s late autumn. In Norway. What do you want?”

“For you to not be wearing this many clothes,” Isak tells him bluntly, because this is a thing he wants to get good at, wants to be able to tell Even the truth without hesitating or second-guessing himself.

Even pauses, but his eyes are dark, cheeks a bit flushed, and he’s staring at Isak like he’s a few seconds away from devouring him.

Then he lifts his shirt off as well, crawling his way back over Isak. The feeling of his skin pressing against Isak’s makes Isak gasp, hands flying up to steady himself somewhere, anywhere, to let Even help him feel grounded.

One hand ends up in Even’s hair, the other clutching at his shoulder.

“One day,” Even pecks Isak’s lips so he can keep talking, “I’ll take you with me to see the world. All the warm places so you’ll never have to put any clothes on.”

Isak feels a bit like he’s made out of goo, that he’s actually melted here in Even’s arms. He cards the hand he has in Even’s hair gently through his locks. “I never needed to see the world,” he says instead of joking back. “That was never what it was about.”

Even shifts his weight onto his elbows so he can get close enough to breathe the same air as Isak.

“I know,” he tells him. “I know it wasn’t, that it isn’t. Let me spoil you, please.”

Isak blinks the tears out of his eyes frantically, looking off to the side even though he knows Even isn’t able to miss it, not when he’s this close. He doesn’t want to cry right now, not when he’s this happy. “Well, if you want to spoil me.“

“Menace,” Even grins, pressing his nose into Isak’s cheek until he’s managed to get his tear ducts back in line.

Isak hears the sentiment for what it is, though, hears the darling loud and clear.

It’s what makes him kiss Even again. Or, maybe it’s everything that makes him kiss Even again. Maybe it’s everything that makes him want to never stop kissing Even again.

The heat that fills Isak feels unbearably good. It’s difficult to breathe sometimes, but Isak doesn’t think not being able to breathe has ever felt like it does right now, with Even’s weight on top of him, his lips against his, his hands searing as they make their way around his body, easily manipulating it into moving this way and that until they’re both entirely undressed.

Isak’s breath hitches in his throat and he can’t seem to tug Even back down on top of him fast enough.

He just – he wants. He wants so much, and he wants so much more, but at the same time it already feels like it’s so much – more than he can handle.

He’s so hard, and Even is too. He gasps when he feels him against him, heat swirling around in his abdomen, making him squirm until Even finally manages to open up the lube and pour some out on his fingers. His hands are shaking a bit, though, and a drop spills onto Isak’s stomach.

He hisses from the cold, startled. Before he knows it Even has closed the lid and dropped the bottle in the sheets – which will be a bitch to search through in a second – so he can place his warm hand on Isak’s stomach. He looks positively massive like that, his fingers spanning all the way from his hip to his ribs.

God, Isak loves the feeling of it. That hasn’t changed in the slightest.

Other things have, though. Even’s more careful when he pushes the first finger in, in a way that he hasn’t been since the very first times they’d tried this.

His hair is different too, done up in the way he always does it; quaffed and stylish. It’s a bit disheveled from Isak messing it up right now, though. Isak sucks in a breath and has to grab on to Even’s hair again, just because.

Even looks up at him cautiously, checking if something is wrong, if Isak’s in pain, but whatever sight Isak makes only has his eyes darkening and lips parting slightly as a harsh breath leaves him.

“Fuck me,” Isak whispers, begs probably. He bears down when Even presses another finger against him, so ready, ready, ready and needing Even to just move on already. “Please.”

“Shh,” Even hushes him, pressing his lips against Isak’s right hip, then moves down to his inner thigh.

If he’d expected it to have a calming effect, it does make Isak feel like drawing in the next breath doesn’t feel impossible, but it serves nothing to quell the frantic energy building inside of him. He reaches down to grab a hold of himself, but Even bats his hand away before he can get a single tug in.

“Not yet,” he promises, grins when Isak whines in reply.

That’s a thing that isn’t different, Isak notes. Even is still as much of a tease as he’s always been.

As if Even can tell what he’s thinking, he curls his fingers perfectly. Isak’s legs curl up reflexively as he grows a million degrees hotter in one second. He accidentally bangs his knee against Even’s elbow, displacing his fingers inside of him. He lets out a soft, complaining noise at the odd movement that Even hurries to hush, his hand returning to Isak’s stomach.

His thumb draws small patterns along the bottom-line of his ribs in a hypnotizing manner.

“You’re good,” Even tells him, asks, Isak can’t tell. He wants to always have Even’s hands on him, wants to always feel like this, wants to always have Even between his thighs, wants time to freeze like this.

Or when he’s actually finally gotten Even inside of him. That’s probably better, definitely better.

“Even,” he gasps, trying to get his point across without saying the actual words. His tongue feels too thick to form words, his lips already sore from all the kissing. The skin on his chin feels a bit itchy from the scratch of Even’s stubble.

“Faen,” Even swears. “Do you have any idea what you look like right now? How you feel around my fingers?”

Isak burns with the flush heating him up. “Do you?”

“Christ.” Even doesn’t even bother closing his mouth now, just folds himself over Isak so he can kiss him.

Kissing Even both is and isn’t the same as it’s always been. He still likes to lick into Isak’s mouth, but it’s more controlled now. His lips are softer too, from stylists needing to present him in the best way possible. But he tastes the same, feels the same against Isak, and Isak can’t get enough of it.

Even’s just breathing now, sharing the same breaths between them over and over again. He works two fingers back inside Isak again.

“We’re good together, aren’t we?” Even’s voice is soft, a little shy, a lot insecure.

Isak cups his cheek. “Always. We’ve always been good together.”

Even nods, pressing his nose against Isak’s. “I wish you’d just called me, back then,” he admits in nothing but a whisper, “so I could’ve told you what a load of rubbish it was.”

It’s difficult feeling the pleasure of having Even inside of him at the same time as the cage around his heart tightens.

“I know.” Isak sort of does too, but there’s also a part of his that doesn’t. “I just – what if that had been it? What if they’d said ‘alright’ and made you pack up and leave? I couldn’t let that happen. I couldn’t let our marriage be the only epic story you’d get to live.”

Even kisses him quiet.

“Still,” Even presses the tip of a third finger against where his other two fingers are, “I wish I hadn’t fucked up and made you believe that was a reality. That it was something I would seriously do, that I would feel like that.”

“We both fucked up,” Isak rectifies. “I shouldn’t have stopped talking to you. We shouldn’t have stopped talking altogether. That’s why it went so wrong.”

He tugs at Even’s hair to get his point across, to make sure he has Even’s attention and that he understands and believes what Isak’s telling him.

“We’re already doing better, aren’t we?”

“We are,” Even agrees. Isak loosens his grip on his hair. “I just wish I could’ve had you with me.”

Isak has to bite down on his tongue. “We can’t keep going over it like this, it’ll kill us. We’re going to move forward instead. Right?”

“Right,” Even nods, but he still looks sad so Isak kisses him again. “I just – I’m sorry I hurt you. I missed you.”

“I missed you, too,” Isak promises. “And I’m sorry I hurt you. I never wanted to do that. I don’t want to hurt you again. That’s why we’re working so hard to do better.”

“I know. We will. We are.” Even is the one to kiss him this time.

It’s slow and warm and good and it makes Isak feel like his lungs are able to fully expand inside of his chest. Even also looks happier when he pulls back, when he moves the two fingers he still has inside Isak.

Isak tries to muffle his groan against the pillows, but Even guides him back to face him instead with his free hand.

“Don’t,” he breathes. “Don’t do that. Let me hear you, please. It’s been so long, I want to hear – I want to see –“

Isak couldn’t muffle the noise he makes even if he wanted to. It’s raw and guttural and Even looks breathless from it.

“Fuck,” Even mutters again, and then there are three fingers inside of Isak and he can’t do anything but repeat the sentiment himself.

“Please,” he breathes, not even sure what he’s begging for. “Please.”

“I’ve got you,” Even promises. “I’ll take care of you. Let me – let me take care of you.”

Isak’s nodding, his eyes are squeezed shut so he can’t tell how Even looks. He can’t open them, he’s so overwhelmed with how good he feels and how much he feels.

Another soft noise escapes him when Even draws out his fingers.

“Uhm –“ Even hesitates, and Isak finally manages to open his eyes.

Even looks as disheveled as Isak feels, just as out of it and not wanting to miss any of it. Isak almost thinks that he’s going to ask if Isak’s sure, if he really wants this, or that he might bring up that he’s sorry again.

“You don’t know what happened to the lube, do you?”

Isak pauses as he registers Even’s words. Then – “Oh, for fuck’s sake, I literally thought that when I heard you just toss it –“

“Hey,” Even protests, but he’s laughing too hard to pull it off. “I was distracted.”

Isak snorts. “Oh, yeah?”

“Yes,” Even agrees. “I have the most gorgeous boy underneath me, how could I not be distracted?”

Christ, Even shouldn’t be able to make him blush this easily, not in a moment like this. But Isak’s cheeks are heating up and he’s squirming underneath Even’s intense gaze. “If you hadn’t been distracted, you could’ve been inside this boy already.”

“God,” Even breathes, a bit like all the air has gotten punched out of his lungs. “Fuck, alright, please help me find the lube.”

“The sheets,” he directs, pulling at the corner of the duvet mostly unhelpfully. “Come on, please.”

“Fuck, okay,” Even mumbles, frantically patting down the duvet until he finds the bottle. “Okay, I’ve got you, come here.”

As if Isak has moved.

He pushes his feet up further on the mattress so he can lift his bum up onto Even’s thighs for easier access, his stomach tightening at the noises of Even slickening himself up.

And then he’s inside of him, and Isak has to fight to keep breathing, to not lose his breath entirely.

He slides in slowly, like Isak is something to be careful with.

“Ev- Even,” he breathes, hands flying out until he can steady himself on Even’s arms. “Even.”

Even’s breathing is labored already. He can’t tear his eyes off of Isak. “Christ, you’re tight. Isak, baby –”

“Can you –“ Isak moans when Even rolls his hips, keeps sliding in slowly, slowly, slowly until Isak’s certain there can’t be anything left. “Even –“

“I’ve got you,” Even promises, leaning down once he’s finally slid in the last couple of inches to kiss him. “Baby, I’ve got you.”

Isak doesn’t mean to moan at the endearment, but he does. God, he’s missed this, he loves this, he loves –

“I’ll always pick you,” Even promises him. “I never want you to doubt that ever again. I pick you.”

Isak nods, kisses him again. “I pick you too, you know. Always. Can you – please, move.”

And Even does. He pulls out about halfway, and then spends ages pushing back in to the hilt. Isak pushes himself up even further, hooks his knee around Even’s waist so he sinks in impossibly deeper on the next thrust.

It’s good. It’s impossibly good, and Isak loses himself to the feeling quickly.

He’s sweating. Even is as well, breath coming in short pants as he moves quicker and quicker, working Isak up to the edge dizzyingly fast. He doesn’t want it to end yet, though. Not when it’s this good, when it means so much to him.

This is the boy that Isak had fallen head-first in love with when Even had broken into the Botanical Garden just to get him a picture of a flower. This is the boy that he’d snuck around with everywhere because neither of them dared to meet in the sunlight. This is the boy that he’d fumbled through awkward blowjobs before they’d gotten the hang of it, the first person he’d ever kissed, ever had sex with, ever fell in love with. This is the boy he’d married, had vowed to spend the rest of his life with. The boy he’d thought he would never get to have like this again, who didn’t want him anymore. This is the boy that Isak will get to spend the rest of his life with.

“Baby,” Even croons sweetly into Isak’s temple as he presses a kiss there. “Baby.”

Isak mewls beautifully even as he chokes on a sob. Tears are wetting his eyelashes and he’s feeling so much he can’t process it.

“Baby, you’re crying,” Even tells him, reminds him, Isak doesn’t know, can’t focus on anything that isn’t Even slowing down until he’s lazily twisting his hips, grinding so deeply inside him. “Why are you crying?”

And there are so many reasons why Isak’s crying, but mostly because it’s been so long since he’s had this, since he’s had Even, and it feels like he’s been lost, wandering for years and years and now he’s finally gotten to come home.

“Love you,” Isak babbles, choked and breathy and whiny and so, so beautifully. “Love you, love you, love you.”

Even might be crying a little bit as well.

“My baby,” Even presses small kisses down his cheekbone, his cheek, his jaw, licking away any tears that have escaped. “My sweet, beautiful, brave boy. So good for me, so good to me.”

A sob breaks out of Isak’s mouth. “Love you.”

He should’ve told him a million times, should’ve never stopped saying it.

“I love you, too. God, Isak, I’m so close, please tell me you’re close as well,” Even begs.

“I’m close,” Isak promises, grabs Even’s shoulder to keep from getting pushed up the bed by Even’s hips. “I love you. I’m so close.”

“Isak,” Even moans, lying down on top of Isak so he can kiss him, his hips picking up the pace again once their chests are pressed together, Isak’s dick is trapped between their stomachs. “What do you need, what can I –“

“Kiss me,” Isak begs. “Just that, just kiss me, please.”

And Even does. His lips glide over Isak’s messily, because his hips are losing their rhythm and they’re both panting but also way too close to the edge to really care.

Isak shoots off between them without a hand to help him along. Even’s hips rock up twice into him before he hides his face away in Isak’s neck, sucking the skin between his teeth to control his moans.

“Baby.” Isak whines at the name again, feeling oversensitive and used and so fucking in love. “It’s always been you. It’ll always be you.”

“I love you,” Isak replies, grunting when Even pulls out.

He only just manages to shift his weight onto one arm before he tumbles onto the bed next to Isak, short of breath and flushed and the most beautiful thing Isak has ever seen.

“I love you,” he whispers, not caring if Even doesn’t hear it. He just needs to say it, needs for the words to be out there in the universe.

It sounds like some bullshit Vilde would probably say, he thinks. How if you tell the universe about what you want, it’ll give it to you.

Isak doesn’t need for the universe to grant him anything. Not when he’s already got what he wants the most. Now he just has to work on keeping it, but he doesn’t think that’ll be a problem – not with all the people he knows he has in his corner.

Even’s still lying on his back from where he tumbled onto the bed. Isak can’t stand not being closer to him, so he rolls onto his side, then continues onto his front until his shoulder bumps against Even’s chest.

“Umph,” Even grunts, but it’s for show and he’s already worming his arm underneath Isak’s neck to support his head. “Halla.”

“Hei,” Isak grins, feeling a little silly because of how shy he suddenly feels. “You alright?”

“I’m fucking amazing,” he grins, moving his elbow so Isak rolls a little closer. He’s smiling softly at him as Isak moves to accommodate him. “And – are you?”

Isak hums pleased. “A little sore.”

Even’s free hand lands on Isak’s hips, the tips of his fingers pressing against his lower back wonderfully. Isak groans at the feeling, pushes up against Even’s touch even as he moves further down towards his cheeks.

“I like it, though,” he admits, squirming with it as Even looks fully captivated by him. “I like you.”

Even’s smile is blinding. “I like you.”

Isak’s own smile might be blinding as well. It makes kissing a little awkward, but by god is Isak going to do it anyway –

The front door slams open.

“Hello, fellow remaining roommates!” Magnus bellows, voice a little muffled through Isak’s closed door, but not enough to easily tune him out.

Or Mahdi, for that sake. “We have returned, because the weather was utterly shit and rubbish for football, so we went to get kebabs, and now we’re freezing cold and with no other excuses to stay out.”

“Oh my god,” Isak groans, shoving his head into the pillow. His mouth sort of lands on Even’s bicep, though, which means his head ends up being a bit shaken about because Even is laughing.

“Don’t worry, though, because we are in the mood for music!” the yelling continues, Jonas this time, because all of Isak’s friends are assholes.

“The goddamn theatrics on them,” Isak complains. “And I thought living with you or Eskild was bad.”

“Shush, you,” Even curls the arm Isak’s lying on to gather him closer. “At least they’re courteous enough to let us know they’re back without just walking in.”

Isak snorts. “’Courteous’. Yeah, right, good one. They’re a bunch of assholes, just you wait –“’

The words haven’t even left Isak’s mouth before The Lion King soundtrack starts blaring through the apartment.

Even’s laugh comes a close second in terms of loudness – a full-on belly laugh that leaves him breathless and with shining eyes as he curls closer to Isak.

“Assholes,” Isak repeats. “I hate them. Let’s move out.”

Even’s still giggling, but not so much that he can’t press a kiss to Isak’s temple. “Not yet, baby. Let’s enjoy this a bit longer.”

He’s smiling and beautiful and he’s Isak’s fucking husband, and it’s so easy to smile back and fall a little more in love to the tunes of Elton John’s ‘Can You Feel the Love Tonight’.

“Okay.”

OOOOO

“If you’re late for Movie Night-night one more time, Isak, I will personally drag the two of you apart, do not test me!”

“Five more minutes,” Isak mutters against Even’s lips, stubbornly kissing him even as Even laughs.

“I don’t think we have five minutes,” Even tells him, but then he’s kissing him again, so what does he know.

They do not, in fact, have five minutes.

Isak’s door knocks against the wall, startling the two of them apart.

“Oh god, my eyes!” Mahdi is screeching despite not even having peeked in and the fact that both Isak and Even are fully clothed. Their lips aren’t even pink and swollen yet – they haven’t been kissing for more than ten minutes because Isak had to finish up his reading first and Even had to fix an issue with a colleague’s script directions. “It burns!”

“Shut up,” Isak groans, tries to pull Even back down on the bed to kiss him. Who cares if the door is open, that’ll show them to not interrupt the sacredness of a closed door.

God, what does he need to do, put a sock on the door handle as well?

Even only lets him for two kisses, though, then he’s pulling back and moving off the bed.

“No,” he whines petulantly, making grabby-hands at Even. Maybe if he pouts long enough Even will take pity on him and tell the boys to fuck off, he has a boy to kiss.

That doesn’t happen.

“Up,” Even orders, only leaning forward long enough to smack at Isak’s hip once, way too fast for Isak to grab on to him to pull him back down.

“It’s a movie night,” Isak complains, hoping Even will see sense and come back already.

Even just laughs, the asshole, from out in the hallway. “What is my favorite thing in the world?”

“Me.”

“Second favorite,” Even amends from out in the kitchen. “What snacks do you want?”

Isak sighs for a good minute, loudly so Even knows of his displeasure. “Chips.”

“What flavor?”

Isak stomps into the living room without looking back at Even in the kitchen. “Onion, because like hell am I kissing you again tonight.”

“Hello there, grumpy boy,” Jonas greets him, probably in an attempt at saving Even from Isak’s wrath when he hears just how loud he’s laughing. “Thank you for gracing us with your presence – umph!” he groans when Isak sinks down on the couch, a well-placed elbow ending up in Jonas’ stomach.

Mahdi and Magnus have gotten comfy already; Mahdi’s scrolling through the movie options, and Magnus is sitting sideways in the armchair he’s dragged closer to the couches.

He’s looking at Isak, frowning thoughtfully. “You know, you’ve gone without getting any dick for years by now. Surely going five minutes without Even’s dick isn’t the end of the world.”

Isak wouldn’t be able to bite his tongue hard enough to refrain from giving Magnus a scorching remark. “Said by someone who has clearly never tried it.”

It was meant to be a dis about Magnus being a virgin. In no way possible has Isak ever expected Magnus to interpret it as something else.

Magnus bats his eyelashes exaggeratedly at him. “Why, Isak, are you offering to ‘show me the ropes’, so to speak?”

The snort Jonas makes is entirely unattractive, and Isak sort of wishes he’d recorded it just for holding it over his head, but then again he’s really glad he’s not recording the atrocity that is this fucking conversation.

“Absolutely not,” he protests. “That’s, like, the biggest turn off in the world.”

“Bullshit!” Magnus calls. “As if you wouldn’t fuck me if you had the chance.”

Isak just looks at him. “No.”

The look on Magnus’ face is so shocked and affronted Mahdi ends up spewing a bit of juice out of his nose.

“Bullshit!” Magnus repeats, snapping his fingers at Isak. “Come on! Out of the three of us, who would you bang first?”

“None of you.” Isak doesn’t even have to think about it.

Magnus squawks, indignantly outraged. “Lies. Lies and slander I tell you.”

“Ranking is in, right now,” Jonas puffs at Isak with his elbow, ignoring the chilling glare he gets in return. “Haven’t you seen all the YouTube videos?”

“It’s only three places,” Magnus whines. “Isak, come on! First, second, and third in the competition for Isak’s dick.”

“You’ve all been disqualified.”

“Isak!”

“Magnus,” Isak finally snaps, “look at what I’m working with. None of you compare.”

Magnus blinks. Then blinks again and shrugs. “Fair enough.”

“That’s it?” Mahdi cries out. “I’ve been listening to your whining and you just give up like that?”

“It’s Even,” Magnus stresses, like that’s an explanation in itself. “There isn’t a single person in the world who wouldn’t want Even. You know what – everyone in this room who has ever wanted Even, raise your hand.” Magnus‘ hand flies up immediately. He sends Isak a dirty look. “Isak, you too.”

“No.”

“Isak –“

“Come on, man,” Mahdi breaks in, nudging Isak’s knee with his foot. He has to stretch comically far to reach him, but even the sight of it isn’t enough to lift Isak’s mood. “It’ll just look weird if you don’t. As if we don’t know it already.”

Isak levels a glare at Mahdi instead, but he also sighs and raises his hand.

“There you go!” Magnus laughs, leaning forward to high-five him. Jonas barks out a laugh at the cross look on Isak’s face.

“What the hell am I walking in on?” Even laughs, holding a packet of chips in one hand, two chocolate bars under his elbows and balancing two cups of tea by their handles in his other hand. He’s grinning obnoxiously at Isak, waggling his eyebrows. “So much for not wanting to kiss me tonight, huh?”

“Fuck off,” Isak groans, but it’s ruined by a giggle he has to hide away in one of the sofa cushions once the teasing starts.

This is good, he thinks when the lights have been turned off, the opening credits rolling as they all get comfortable.

Magnus and Even are already complaining about the composition, Mahdi calls bullshit because they haven’t gotten past the movie companies’ logos yet. Isak leans his head down on Jonas’ shoulder who accommodates him easily, then presses his toes into Even’s thigh.

Even doesn’t even flinch, just curls his fingers around Isak’s ankle, squeezing him once before he pulls his feet fully onto his lap. He’s laughing at something Mahdi said, and even in the horrible lighting the TV provides he’s the most beautiful thing Isak has ever seen.

“You alright, man?” Jonas whispers when the opening title music starts.

Isak nods, lets himself finally breathe completely easy at once. “Yeah. Better than alright. I’m great. I’m really, really great.”

Jonas grins back at him. “That’s ‘great’,” he teases, but Isak knows he means it.

It really is, he silently agrees as Even’s thumb draws circles along his ankle joint. It’s better than, even. It’s just really, really great.

It’s dark, but Isak can still tell when Even smiles at him.

Isak grins back.

 Past

Isak flunks every single one of his exams. He only finds out about it because he gets an email that tells him he needs to manually sign up for his second out of three attempts, it won’t be done automatically.

Whatever, Isak thinks, letting the roar of the crowd swallow him whole. He’ll just re-sit come February. It’s fine.

OOOOO

It’s less fine when Isak isn’t drunk anymore.

He’s stuck on the results page, sees the list documenting his failure, wouldn’t be able to look away even if he wanted to. His fingers itch to get a drink in them, but Isak just keeps sitting at his desk in front of his computer, staring at the screen.

This isn’t Isak.

Isak isn’t sure who he is anymore, hasn’t been for months now, but he does know that this isn’t him.

It’s not like Isak believes he’s only worth the number of his grade, but this – Isak isn’t stupid. He isn’t unable to understand the material he’s supposed to have spent the months between September and January learning. This isn’t him.

It would be easier to just get a drink. Much easier. That’s probably why Isak’s been doing it for so long, deflecting from everything and using it to hide away.

When Isak pushes himself away from the laptop, it’s not to grab his jacket that’s now definitely too thin for the weather and find a bar or a club somewhere. It’s to dig out his textbooks from underneath his bed where he’d put them right after purchasing them and hasn’t moved them since.

And when he sits back down again, he keeps the tab with his grades open, but he also opens Canvas so he can see the slides from the lectures and the assignments from the tutorials.

For the first time since starting at university, Isak cracks open his cell and molecular biology book and starts to read.

OOOOO

Isak’s got a headache the first time he attends a lecture when second term has started.

Not as earsplitting painful as the hangover-headaches had been, mind you, but it’s still there and he isn’t able to ignore it.

He knows quitting drinking cold turkey can be a bit of a dangerous approach, but Jonas’ eyebrows had been furrowed an uncomfortably large amount when he’d caught Isak sipping a beer at seven in the morning, so Isak had gotten out of bed this morning and headed to his lecture hall with a headache instead.

Turns out that lectures are a lot of fun when you don’t go there as a means to pass the time or when you’re hung-over as fuck. It’s a lot of fun, actually, and it’s so interesting Isak actually forgets to take any notes, he’s that captured by the professor.

He ends up spending an hour and a half on campus afterwards. He finds an unpopulated nook and scrambles with the keys to get down everything he remembers.

And then feels actually good about himself once he’s done. It’s a novel feeling, if Isak’s being honest. That would be a novelty as well, technically.

OOOOO

Isak’s honestly surprised that the light in his desk lamp hasn’t blown up yet from the sudden switch between having never been used to suddenly never getting a break.

He types up another definition, changing the format of certain words so they’re easier to spot when he scrolls through, then grabs his pencil to write it down on a flashcard.

Two knocks sound on his door.

“Hey,” Mahdi sticks his head in.

Isak immediately lowers his head, focusing on his scratchy handwriting instead. “Hey.”

“We’re going over to the Union,” Mahdi explains, nodding his head in the direction of the front door. “Want to join?”

Isak grimaces. It’s not that he doesn’t want to hang out with Jonas, Mahdi, and Magnus, it’s more that he doesn’t get why they would bother inviting him along. He pushed Mahdi, he’s constantly snapping at Magnus because of his complete inability to take a hint and shut up about Even whilst Isak is there, and Jonas is clearly frustrated with his behavior.

“Sorry,” he says, voice cracking. “I can’t.”

Mahdi nods, doesn’t look surprised, but he also doesn’t look relieved. Isak doesn’t know what any of it means. “It’d be cool if you came, though. When was the last time you took a break?”

Isak shrugs instead of replying. He can’t remember. He thinks he might’ve forgotten to eat dinner as well, now that he’s thinking about it, so going to the Union is definitely a ‘no’, then. He’ll fuck up everything if he drinks something on an empty stomach.

“It wasn’t a big deal, last time,” Mahdi sighs, “If that’s what you’re thinking about. Why you’re saying no. It’s fine.”

Isak winces. It really isn’t fine. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that, I’m not like that –“

Mahdi rolls his eyes. “We know that, Isak, otherwise we wouldn’t be putting this much fucking effort into getting you to go out with us again.”

Oh. Isak flushes a bit, hopes he just looks warm from the scorching light of his desk lamp. “I’m kind of on a roll right now, though. Maybe next time. And I promise I won’t get violent.”

Mahdi points faux-threateningly at him. “Next time, then, Valtersen. We won’t take no for an answer.”

OOOOO

The thing about alcohol that makes it so tempting isn’t the feeling of letting go of your inhibitions, or your sense of reality slipping away until you feel like the impossible is possible. It had provided him with a blissful numbness.

Isak isn’t numb anymore.

So it had been about wanting to not feel anything, and then it had been about how it made it easier to forget.

Or, not forget, because he never did that, not really, but it made it easier to not constantly think about it.

Now that he isn’t drinking anymore, he has to actively not think about it, but actively not thinking isn’t easy at all.

Studying only goes so far. Memorizing and focusing on the coursework helps, but only temporarily. It all – Even, papers, signatures, secrets, lying, the shame, and the guilt, and the loneliness – stays with him now that he doesn’t have a method to make it go away – even if it’s in the background, it’s still there.

And it weighs so heavily on Isak’s shoulders. It leaves him absolutely exhausted to keep up the charade, to make it seem like, no, nothing is the matter, everything is fine and like he actually has managed to get his life in order, when it really feels like he’s about to fall apart as easily as he did back in May when the fantasy world he’d lived in came crumbling down on top of him.

It all leads to sleepless nights and sleepless nights lead to Isak steadily going out of his mind.

Pent up emotions seem to be treading lightly the edge of keeping it in and bursting out of him, and Isak can’t let that happen, he can’t. Not only does he still not want anyone to know anything about him, not like that, but now if something were to slip out he wouldn’t have Even to fall back on. He’d be alone, and a lot more alone than he already is right now.

Isak fucking hates being alone.

But he also doesn’t have a clue how to actually do anything to fix it. Focusing on his studies clearly doesn’t work. Drinking had worked, but he can’t start that shit again, because that’ll lead to him spiraling so far down he’ll never climb back up again. Talking to someone about it is out of the question.

Which means he’s out of options. And getting more frantic which each passing day to just figure out something so he won’t accidentally spill over and ruin everything he’s built up so far.

“Are you okay?”

Surprisingly enough, it isn’t someone who asks Isak that, but Isak who asks Eva.

Her eyes are red and puffy, she’s obviously been crying, but now she’s apparently moved on from being sad to being angry.

She softens a bit when she sees Isak, though.

“Hey,” she mutters, shoulders slumping. “Jonas isn’t here?”

Isak shakes his head. “No, he’s on the grocery run this week, drew the short straw.” They have a rotational shift schedule, but Isak is just really good at getting out of doing his share of the workload. Instead, he repeats, “Are you okay?”

Eva shrugs, but her bottom lip is quivering. “It’s just Jonas being an asshole,” she explains, the anger suddenly coming back. “It’s not like I don’t know you guys smoke, okay? I don’t know why he insists on lying to me about it, because it just makes me feel like shit and paranoid – because if he’s lying about that, what else is he lying about, you know?”

Isak doesn’t know. They’d made it a point not to lie to each other, not when they were lying to everyone else.

Then again, Isak is here, by himself for the rest of his life, so what does he know. “Do you want me to yell at him when he comes back?” he offers.

Eva laughs a little snottily, but it’s real enough. “No. I had a good cry about it. That always helps, doesn’t it?”

Isak hasn’t cried since he packed up his stuff and whatever belongings of Even’s that he hadn’t been able to part with. Maybe that – maybe. Maybe it isn’t all too terrible an idea.

“Anyway,” Eva shrugs, seemingly calmer now that she’s gotten some of it out of her system. “I’ll just – talk to him later, I guess.” She leans in and gives Isak a hug. “Takk, Isak.”

“You’re welcome,” he mumbles, not paying attention because his head is stuck somewhere else.

In a shoebox-sized apartment in Oslo that two people had shared before one of them had gotten a better offer, to be precise.

Crying hadn’t fixed anything, hadn’t felt like the catharsis Eva had been talking about – it had just made him feel sweaty and disgusting and utterly pathetic, and had just about cemented the fact that Even wasn’t coming back, because why the fuck would he when this was what he’d be coming back to.

But Isak is desperate, and this is an option that Isak knows won’t be difficult to attempt, not with all these emotions swirling around inside of him, too close to flooding.

He just needs one thing, and that thing he’s got hidden away in his room, so he walks back inside, going directly over to draw the curtains.

Isak isn’t the one who left. He’s the one who fucked up and made Even stop loving him, yes, but he can’t keep going like this. He shouldn’t keep punishing himself over it; it’ll never stop if he continues like that.

He’s still pissed at Even, absolutely furious, but the hurt is the most prominent feeling now that he’s sober, and the gut-wrenching hurt is the emotion that wins out.

It takes a while, because Isak had shoved the box into the very back of his closet for a reason – that he never wanted to see any of that shit again, but now he does. He wants it, and it takes ages to dig through overdue laundry and random items he’d forgotten he still had.

And then the box is there, with a layer of dust accumulated where it hadn’t been covered.

They’ve been left untouched since Isak stashed them there, and he honestly can’t really remember packing them either, so he’s a bit startled when he opens them up and sees the absolute disarray that it’s in.

Most of the things he doesn’t even remember Even owning, and then there are a few camera lenses that have cracked from neglect – Isak doesn’t know why he grabbed them, doesn’t remember, but feels very stupid that he didn’t at least also grab the camera they go with.

Isak isn’t interested in the cameras or the lenses or the drawings. Right there, not at the very bottom, but far down enough that Isak had started to get worried that he hadn’t packed it, that he’d misremembered, that he’d left it behind for Even to have or throw out, is Even’s hoodie. The one Isak had practically stolen and never given back, and Even had let him because it was his favorite thing to see Isak in his clothes and he’d loved giving him long hugs so he could just enjoy the soft material as well.

It’s still soft, despite having been mistreated so badly for months now. The drawstrings have still retained the color of the paint. It doesn’t smell like Even, probably because Even hasn’t been near it for over a year, now. Doesn’t even smell of Isak, if he’s honest. Smells of dust more than anything.

But Isak doesn’t need to scent to feel like a freight train has run him over.

This is a moment where he’d resort to alcohol, but he can’t do that now, not like this, not over a stupid hoodie. He’s been doing better and he won’t let it be ruined by this fucking weakness of his.

So instead he scoots over on the floor until he reaches his laptop, opens Spotify and presses shuffle and play and turns it up louder than vibe-guy has ever played his music.

Next, he locks his door. And when that doesn’t feel like enough, he tries to push his desk in front of it.

Which turns out to be a complete fail because the desk has been nailed into the wall. So Isak pushes his bed instead and hides away in the corner it had stood in.

The opening of the song hasn’t even settled into the first chorus before the tears are streaming down his cheeks and breathing is ten times harder than it’s ever been.

It’s ugly, and Isak feels horrible all throughout it. His nose clogs up and he can’t see through his blurry vision. His speakers are blaring happy pop songs that Even would’ve loved – which just makes it worse – and he needs it to be loud enough that no one can hear him through the door or the walls, but that leaves him with a headache.

It doesn’t make it impossible to hear the intermittent pounding on the door when people desperately want for him to stop making all of that noise.

For all that Isak feels the positively worst he’s felt in a long time, he also isn’t ready for this to stop. Not yet.

The hoodie is crumbled up in his sweaty hands. There are spots darkening the material that Isak can tell come from his tears. And then another set of spots from his tears when it had gotten so intense Isak was certain people would be able to hear him over the music.

When the tears stop falling and his breath stops hitching and the headache from getting too little oxygen into his system has settled in, Isak wouldn’t say he feels better, per se, but he doesn’t feel as frazzled.

Still, this was the last time he’ll do this, he promises himself. He won’t spend any more time crying over an idiotic past. He’s done.

OOOOO

“Is that a new hoodie?”

“No. Just recently stumbled upon it whilst I was cleaning.”

“Cool.”

OOOOO

Isak does end up going out with them the next time. It’s a Friday evening, he’s just finished his first re-exam, and he doesn’t feel completely awful. It’s nice.

He’d had a beer with the boys before they left the house, and the mix of the warm, pleasant buzz inside of him and the not bitingly cold spring air not making it feel like his jacket is way too thin for this time of year leaves him in a good mood.

They head to the Union, because there’s a deal going on – like there isn’t always a deal going on in a place catering to poor university students – but it’s not like Isak is going to buy more than a beer, so what does he care where they end up.

He should’ve cared a bit more, he realizes once they’re in the midst of the crowd and barely able to hear each other speaking, and Magnus has slunk off to talk to some girl, Mahdi has just disappeared ,and Jonas has gone to the bathroom, leaving Isak all by himself.

Isak hasn’t gotten any better at being by himself, and being in a place like this isn’t helpful in the slightest.

Just because he had a proper cry about it doesn’t mean that Isak is okay. As much as he tries to fool himself into believing it, the hurt is buried so deeply inside of him Isak doubts he’ll ever really be okay.

And standing here surrounded by people who are happy and having fun when Isak has to work so hard just to feel one of those emotions, even harder without the aid of something extra, is way harder than allowing himself to have that cry had been.

He should leave. He’s about to find one of the guys – Mahdi or Jonas, because they’ll make the smallest scene when Isak tells them he’s getting out of there – when a hand clamps down on his shoulder.

“There you are,” Jonas says, dragging Isak backwards towards him and towards the exit. “It’s way too crowded in here, we’re bailing.”

Isak has grabbed his jacket and is waiting by the entrance before Magnus and Mahdi have had the chance to get their stuff ready. Magnus is wearing one of Mahdi’s shoes, apparently, which Isak isn’t sure how they managed to pull off.

It takes them five minutes of jumping around once they’ve gotten outside, Magnus wobbling on one foot because he doesn’t want to dirty his socks, before they manage to switch back around and get on their way.

“Fuck, she was so pretty, though,” Magnus complains, throwing his head back and groaning when he recalls just what the girl he’d been talking to had looked like.

The guilt churns in Isak’s stomach. He should’ve just told them he was heading out, that they didn’t need to come with him. It was obvious it hadn’t been too crowded for them. Just for Isak.

Mahdi huffs out a laugh. “I saw her, too. Trust me, you didn’t stand a chance. You should be thanking us for saving you from a fate of humiliation.”

“Hey!” Magnus protests halfheartedly, scuffing the tip of his shoe against the asphalt, then nearly tripping in the process.

Isak hadn’t seen the girl, and he does know of Magnus’ track record, but that isn’t the point that keeps the guilt swirling inside of him.

“Where are we off to?” he asks instead. He shoves his hands into his pockets, curling them up into fists as he waits for the answer.

Jonas shrugs. “What’s the rush for?”

Isak doesn’t reply. He hasn’t got an answer, doesn’t know how to tell them that he knows why they left and that he doesn’t get why they did that for him.

He expects for them to head into the bar close by that also caters to poor students, seeing as they’re headed towards it, but they pass right by it. And they pass by the next one. And the next one. The guilt makes Isak feel heavier and heavier with each step they take.

“Gutter!” Magnus points excitedly before bounding over to the walkway with an iron handrail. “This is fucking perfect.”

“What the hell are you on about?” Mahdi calls out after him.

“I need one of you, I’m having my Titanic-moment!”

“Oh, for fuck’s sake,” Jonas laughs, hiding his face behind his hands as his shoulders shake from laughter. “Get down, you idiot, you’ll fall off and end up in a coma!”

Magnus sticks his foot between two guards, stepping up. “Then come over here and hold me like one of your French girls!”

Paint, Isak doesn’t correct. Paint me like one of your French girls.

“He’s fucking insane,” Mahdi laughs. Isak tries not to flinch at the word.

“I’ll go,” Jonas volunteers, jogging over so he can climb up behind Magnus. He barely manages to stay up, though, from the giggling. “This is so gay.”

Magnus spreads his hands out when he’s sure Jonas has gotten a hold of himself. “I can’t hear you over how much I’m flying, Jack!”

“You’re an idiot,” Isak tells him once he and Mahdi get close enough. “You couldn’t have just done the I’m the king of the world instead?”

“Do you know what, Isak?” Magnus sasses. “It sounds like you’re jealous that I found myself a Jack and you haven’t.”

“I’m out,” Jonas laughs, jumping off the railing, giggling like mad when Mahdi has to dive forward to catch Magnus to keep him from actually braining himself into a coma.

“Idiots,” Isak complains, but he’s laughing as well. “Fucking idiots, all of you.”

They don’t go to another bar or a club or even to buy something to drink in the 24-hours open store that they pass. Isak doesn’t try and lie to himself as a reason why not, but the tiny spark of happiness it ignites is enough to quell down the guilt a little bit. That, and the fact that they end up making Magnus laugh so hard he has to sit down lest he starts to pee his pants.

Mahdi throws bird seeds at him, which none of them know where or when he got a hold of, but it just makes the situation worse. Or better, depending on if you see it from Magnus’ bladder control point of view or judge it by how easy it is for Isak to breathe.

OOOOO

Isak aces every single one of his exams. Both the ones he’d had to re-sit, and then the next ones.

He did it. He actually fucking did it.

He sits and stares at the results-page on his laptop, can’t stop looking at the row of perfect grades that aren’t supposed to define how good of a person Isak is, but right now the rows of numbers are the only tangible proof that Isak is actually getting better. That he might in fact be worth something.

He likes that feeling. He’s not going to let it slip away from him again, he’s going to fight to keep feeling like this.

Isak is going to get better. That’s a promise he makes himself that he intends on keeping.

OOOOO

“We’ve been looking into a couple of apartments.”

They’re leaving. He’s finally somewhat figured out how to do this, how to live without – how to live and how to make friends and they’re already leaving.

“Oh?” he asks nonchalantly, or he hopes it comes across nonchalantly and not absolutely terrified. “Found anything?”

Jonas nods, taking a sip of his beer. He sits down on the railing of the balcony they’re on. Isak can’t remember whose house they’re at – not because he’s had too much to drink to remember where he’s at, but because Magnus had been the one who knew about the party and his explanation of how he knew about was just too long for Isak to pay attention from start to finish.

He knows all about how this person’s mama used to have a goldfish collection when she was a kid, but he doesn’t know who actually owns the house. Figures.

“Yeah. A four bedroom, not too far from campus. A tram stop or two.”

“That’s cool,” Isak says, hopes it doesn’t sound as detached as he feels.

They’re leaving. They’re actually leaving. Isak should be used to people leaving him by now, but he isn’t. He really, really isn’t.

“Yeah,” Jonas agrees, but there’s something to the tone of his voice, something that forces Isak out of the protective bubble he’d already started to build up so he can look dubiously at him. “That fourth room isn’t the living room, by the way.”

Isak blinks.

Then he blinks again, still not saying anything. He can’t say anything, because if he gets it wrong he won’t be able to handle it.

Jonas rolls his eyes. “Christ, man, are you really going to make me say it?”

“Yes,” Isak doesn’t hesitate, because yes, he needs to hear it. Not for the reason that Jonas obviously thinks – that he’s teasing or self-centered and wants the confirmation that they’d be honored to share a living space with him, but because it doesn’t fit in his head why on earth they would want to share a living space with him.

“Isak,” Jonas starts. Isak barely hears it, his heart pounding too fast and beating too loudly. “Would you mind paying the rent until we can find a fourth roommate?”

“Asshole,” Isak knocks his knee against Jonas’ foot, but it comes out too soft, a little too out of breath for Jonas’ eyes not to soften and his teasing grin to smooth into something a little more sincere.

“Seriously,” Jonas ensures him. “Would you like to?”

Yes, Isak should say, because he does. Yes, yes, yes should be the only word coming out of his mouth.

“Why?” comes out instead.

If Jonas is surprised, he doesn’t show it. “You’re trying,” Jonas takes another a sip of his beer. “And we like you. We really like you, man.”

Isak tries to blink the tears out of his eyes.

“But if we’re doing this, you can’t fall back into your old ways.”

Isak feels cold despite the warm summer air. “I won’t.”

Jonas looks a bit dubious, but he just nods. “Do you want to do this, then?”

There are tears prickling in the corners of Isak’s eyes, and he just hopes he can blame the dry wind or the beer or something, anything, that isn’t something finally going Isak’s way.

“Yeah, bro,” he sounds choked up. “Yeah.”

Jonas grins and holds his hand out for Isak to shake. “Let’s do this then.”

And Isak’s smiling, actually smiling – full-on grinning and meaning it, and he’s moving in with Jonas, Mahdi, and Magnus and it all feels too good to be true.

He folds his hand into Jonas’, and Jonas tightens his grip so much Isak almost thinks they’re going in for that awkward bro-side-hug when all Jonas does is ensure Isak can’t draw back until he gets out the rushed, “And you have to be nicer to Magnus.”

Isak dramatically rips his hands out of Jonas’ hold and groans and whines and moans that none of it is worth it if that’s what it takes while Jonas cackles and nearly falls over the railing, and Isak’s nearly giggling so hard he can’t pull him back down.

Magnus and Mahdi find them lying in a heap on the balcony, giggling like fools.

Mahdi does look at Isak dubiously for a couple of seconds, like he’s expecting for him to be so out of it again despite the fact Isak hasn’t had anything harder than beer the last couple of months.

Whatever he’s looking for, Isak passes the test, and both Magnus and Mahdi grin as they fold themselves around him and Jonas. Magnus starts pointing up at the sky, telling stories about the signs, and both Isak and Mahdi call bullshit whilst Jonas tries to spin everything that comes out of Magnus’ mouth in a claim why the government is shit.

And Isak is moving in with these idiots.

He hasn’t been bad for months now, hasn’t done something he’d regret the next morning and hasn’t done something that would make him forget everything that had happened prior to waking up. He’s better than that, now he just needs to get better concerning everything else.

He can feel it; lying on a balcony at some house party he doesn’t know the hosts of, and he can just feel it. It feels like a turning point of some kind, like this is the moment things will actually start to get better, to get easier.

It’s not like all of his problems have suddenly disappeared. He still gets mornings where it doesn’t seem worth it to get up, still has moments where he just hurts so much he doesn’t remember how to breathe. And then there is the fact that the boys he’s decided are worth betting on don’t know that he’s not actually hooking up with girls left and right, don’t know he isn’t interested in girls at all. They don’t know why he got so bad in the first place.

But he’s moving in with these three idiots he’s ready to call his best friends, and he’s passed his exams with flying colors, and he’s signed up for his third semester, one year closer to getting his degree, and he can feel it.

This is going to be his year. Isak swears he’s going to do everything in his power to make it happen.

This is going to be his year.

Next part

[zepdeans]

there’s not a lot I can say about s3 that hasn’t already been said (and articulated 200x better) but! here are some of my (albeit dumb) thoughts :~)

ep1 -isak leaning against the bathroom wall gets me EVERY time its such a powerful scene esp introducing you to s3 and tarjei..... spare some talent for the rest of us please -LiTeN gUtTeN fRa StRaNgEr tHiNgS -isak rly ties his pants w a shoelace...... -isak noticing even for the first time bc of his laugh.. whew.... also. i love this intro SOOO much bc its so non-monumental? theres no dramatic music or whatever but its not subtle.... like you know right away o shit love interest!! hello sir!! bc isak’s expression watching him :’) i could go on -isak is a bad liar HOWEVER this only applies to stupid nontrivial things e.g. the black sweatshirt. but when you look at him lying about like, his sexuality, he hides that shit well -”c00l” isak. i hate u so much -honestly all u have to do is look at even for .2 seconds and u can tell this boy has had a crush for a solid month bc he just looks awestruck (HOWEVER henrik’s acting is *chef’s kiss* bc its subtle enough to go undetected b4 you actually know eVEN SAW HIM ON THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL) -even isak and emma all sitting on the bench together is funny enough on its on but then a song called threeway comes on and like. julie sdshjsfdjfkjskd ep2 -there’s something so endearing about even’s handwriting idek what -i LOVE even’s video w mikael it reveals so much about him to us- how weird (ok we saw how weird he was w the paper towel thing but) and dorky he is? and his love of film! his view on love stories and how he sees the world :( but it also shows a lot abt isak because he saw even making stupid jokes about vladimir putin and was like yeah we about to fall in LOVE love -isak not using headphones to watch even’s video or r+j?? bde or general incompetence what’s the verdict guys -the isak watching r+j scene hits so hard like yall ever think about isak lying in bed at 3am staring at the ceiling probably thinking about how he’s never gonna get a beautiful world-shattering romance like that like ..... also him changing positions skam get out of my life go away ur too realistic -not to make this even more self-projection-y but isak simultaneously being the least emotionally vulnerable person ever but crying during r+j > -i made a post abt this already but even’s INTENSE staring vs isak’s “i have never looked anyone in the eye in my life” gets me it says so much about their characters -even said i see your bde move (asking me to buy you beer) and i raise u with my own (inviting you to my house after faking not having my id) -”if you listen to music” even is such a dick fsdjhsdff -when the message comes on...... i rlly do owe julie my life huh -”have you heard about my rapping?” “I have actually” have we talked about this enough????? 1. isak finally feels comfortable enough w even to flirt and his first move is to RAP for him jesus christ. keep in mind this is the same man who pulled that smooth af ibuprofen line w emma like...... 2. even has heard about isak’s rapping. either this means im-not-on-social-media even went out of his way to go thru homeboy’s instagram OR isak’s rapping is actually talked about. i- -the group chat messages. cant believe i forgot about the 2016 clown epidemic

ep3  -mahdi is a good friend and i love him. thank u -even wearing isak’s cap until he chucks it at him sjksfjsdjsd -how much yall wanna bet isak’s been listening to illmatic on repeat since last friday thinking abt even (even tho meeting sonja shattered his heart a lil) [also kinda an aside but i think a lot about how isak n even bonded over rap and how some homophobic lyrics in 90s etc rap might have impacted them? or how that little detail ties into julie’s story? e.g. halftime by nas, which is on illmatic] -whats worse. even staring into isaks soul wearing a size xs see-through white t shirt or isak staring at even for five (5) seconds before chugging his beer and immediately making out w emma. OR even crashing that party before it can start “i think you guys are bonding too much” cheesy ass shjhfsdhskdf -yall act like evak didnt invent hands. did even shaking isak’s shoulder telling him his apartment is nice mean nothing to u -im convinced robyn wrote call your girlfriend for this scene specifically bc how could anything fit so perfectly by coincidence -is anything better than egging isak on- even bech naesheim (2016) -idk if yall have read the scripts but i love the sock thing so much bc its soo true to how isak thinks and it makes everything so much more interesting and !!!

ep4  -i will never get over even sending isak bad seinfeld memes -even smacking open isak’s locker. first of all whew second of all u think as soon as he got into the stairwell he lowkey cried bc ow -parallel of isak saying “it’s 2016, why are you religious?” to sana vs. emma’s “it’s 2016, get out of the closet” to isak anyone :( -”takk sanasol!!!!” thank u isak for my life -I wanted to be with you aloneeeee -even’s face when he sees the pool like we get it youre a director -how many times do i need to say even is such a dick sjkfsd “does it look like i care about my hair?” “usually but not right now” like this would only work on isak i love soulmates!! -even just.. fully choking isak out ssdhgfd got em -when the first notes of im kissing you start ooh boy -even going in for the kill kiss and isak going from huh to oooo shit and pushing his lips out at the last minute. phenomenal 

ep5 -ngl as soon as im not in love comes on my heart goes uwu bc like!!!! that song the meaNING.... them......... i jus love this scene sm like theyre in their own little bubble and they both feel so comfortable and at peace :((  -even leaving isak comics about an inside joke of theirs like yall mind if i scream -isak feeling left out from the conversation and his friends whew i felt that... and having them talk about how gross it is to makeout with a girl w facial hair?? blease :( -taking stock of isak’s nicknames: issy k, isabell, izzy, baby jesus, -im not even gonna bother trying to articulate thoughts on Pause bc it’s a literal masterpiece. thank u tarjei henrik and julie for inventing television with this one  -MAGNUS SDFKJSDFJKDSHK "oooh my name is Jonas and I love idealism and reading klassekampen and I don’t like plastic and I skate on a skateboard made of sustainable wood and wear old clothes because new clothes are bad for the environment and I only drink recycled water” screAMMM -what i said abt pause also applies to pride ugh its such a powerful scene and!! the beginning of kicks to isaks stomach. honestly what i fucking love about this episode is how it goes from hell yea best day w even ever to crying in the street within one week (s3 had the best balance of angst and payoff thanks) -even’s Soft Party Flannel... forever tainted by this scene rip -not knowing why even kissed sonja keeps me up at night -speaking of. how used and stupid isak must’ve felt when he saw even completely unbothered, hooking up w his ex at this party?? whew :( -bros is one of my all time favourite clips solely bc of the music?? lift me up gives me chills and when hold my liquor starts i LOSE it -ep5 and 6 remind me of that quote “to see what your characters are really made of you have to break them” because julie rlly goes all in and god it hurts so good

ep6 -never have i ever seen insomnia portrayed as accurately as tarjei did here and i remember when i first watched the cantina scene i was like. winded bc its SO true to sleep deprivation whew -i really like that isak wasnt together with even when he reached out for help and came out to jonas. bc it was him, on his own, being strong enough to talk to his friends and then eventually he was confident and secure enough in himself to be in a good place when even started reaching back out!! -i have no idea what its like to come out to someone, to be afraid of your friends rejecting you, everything isak went through. but tarjei’s acting of when, like, you have something you KNOW you have to tell someone, and youve put yourself in the position where youre going to have to tell them, but youre terrified and eventually just force yourself SAY the words??  -and isak’s smile when he realizes jonas is gonna be his bro no matter what :’)))

ep7 -weirdly one of my favourite isak looks (black t-shirt grey snapback c-c-c-combo) -”what’s your name again?” have i mentioned i love sana and isak bc i love sana and isak -jonas truly is the best friend oh man. perceptive, thoughtful, loving, laidback, a friggen BRO. tbh i was wary of him in s1 and thought he didn’t treat eva well (tho I recognized he loved her a lot, he was just bad at being a boyfriend) but jonas in s3?? just goes to show how powerful your perspective of someone can change viewing them in a different role!! because while jonas was a crappy bf, he literally is SUCH an incredible friend and his actions and words and just! him! in s3 completely redeemed any illwill I had towards him :’) -maybe im a little gay (up there with other s3 comedy classics such as “thats a boys name”) -mahdi season WHEN ugh a legend -’when someone asks isak if hes going to a family party’ literally what other reason for living do i have if not to read the boy squad text convos -isaks locker finally opening and his smile at evens drawing whewwwwwww!! also even rlly is that guy who wont text you back but will leave hand written love letters in ur locker -also. another stellar look from valtersen -slutt a meld meg is a whole masterpiece like what other piece of media has the RANGE -eskild: play hard to get. jonas: no smiley!!! isak: nah fam im good B)

ep8 -this episode is BEAUTIFUL bc you feel practically euphoric?? like hell yeah theyre finally together!! isak is out and accepted and even is done with sonja! but theres also this unsettling undercurrent of worry bc you know deep down something isnt right? why is sonja calling isak? why is even acting kinda strange? whats going on? yknow?? -literally never going to get over 5 fine frokner :~) even is such a goddamn nerd and he’s the man of isak’s dreams can u believe!!  -sana’s little speech is SO important in so many ways ooo i love her so much -also have we discussed eskild making evak do a photoshoot for him. highkey those are my favourite pictures of ALL time u can tell even was like hm strange but im down while isak was more omg guys stop🙄 omg haha eskild i cant believe youre making me cuddle with even for a photo🙄 i cant believe ur making me snuggle this dude for a pic!!!! definitely would not have done this otherwise!!! -magnus only realizing it’s THAT even after seeing how isak looks at him. whew -isak is so brave i rlly love that kid! his text to his mamma <3 -no r*make will EVER nail text conversations like mari/julie did w evak’s this week thanks for coming to my ted talk. i'd quote the best ones but it would literally double the length of this post (ok ill cave. “hahaha shut up❤️” GETS me) -you dont know whats in store but you know what youre here for. hallo -isak running around oslo with even’s clothes looking for him :( his heart is so big he cares about even so so much -when Part II (on the run) comes on in the credits its like a kick in the teeth honestly

ep9 -ive already screamed enough about cherry wine but god it fucks me up -cannot put into words how much I love eskild and how good of a person he is, he just has so much love in his heart  -”wait they have waffles here? see ya” -this convo is why i love skam so much!!!! magnus giving insight and good thoughtful advice to isak was such a brilliant move by julie (also truLy heartwarming) bc like. magnus is a flawed layered character! he’s dumb and ignorant and not very careful with his words BUT hes also such a sweet guy. i genuinely dont think he would hurt a fly and him talking about vilde (in ep10) is ;-; bc he really likes her and respects her and wants to be a gentleman! hes so loving and just. yeah. also i wonder if isak and magnus (and vilde) ever talked about having mentally ill parents and lent on each other for support bc like....<3 [sidenote- this is why i HATE b***** like they absolutely massacred magnus’s character and magnus did not deserve that!] -det er bare slutt........ very cool of tarjei to invent acting here. also the character development makes me WEEP like at first isak lied and told his pappa it was over bc its easier to brush stuff off and say you were joking than be vulnerable especially about 1. having a boyfriend and 2. saying youve already broken up?? but then isak was like hey im done with lying about who i am bc i want my life to be REAL and he told his dad the truth even if it was hard and even if he was trying rlly hard not to cry  -isak reaching out to even<3 standing up for even<3 -o helga natt. another scene i genuinely cannot comment on bc u cant really put into any written language how magical and breathtaking and heartbreaking and powerful and brilliant this scene is. so. -jk. obvs i cant say anything intelligent enough to give this scene justice but probably the most stunning piece of television i have ever had the privilege of watching. even’s text breaks my heart every gd time (esp since we never really see this side of him before finding out he’s bipolar? his guilt, insecurity, feeling like a burden, being scared of losing everyone in his life because he thinks he’ll hurt them). the music is SO beautiful i cry real tears as soon as the strings start. also the brilliance of JUST o helga natt playing and no dialogue except for isaks one line? isak’s realization when he sees the cross. him RUNNING across oslo to go to even. the FLASHBACKS all going backwards in chronological order until them smoking on the bench. isak looking at the bench and not seeing even and u can feel his heart breaking and urs breaks too! but then he remembers the bathroom and he turns and theres even and whewwww. du er ikke alene<3

ep10 -minutt for minutt is THE most healing clip im telling u. and like.. seeing even depressed really is hard and as someone who was very very depressed for 4-ish yrs of their life it rlly hits me? like when youre in an especially bad funk and you cant get out of bed and youre just numb and exhausted and feel so shitty and u want to be alone but you really dont???? could go on but literally i owe henrik holm my life for his portrayal of even  -not to be a soft bitch on main but when isak tucks the blanket over even and it keeps getting pulled off his back so isak just. covers that spot with himself? -i do love that call between sonja and isak bc once again! a flawed (realistic) human being -and isak thinking its his fault even is depressed? it means a lot that sonja told him its no ones fault, even is just bipolar. and i wonder if isak felt that way about his mamma as well, guilty for her being ill, and if what sonja said made him feel better about that situation too :( -lowkey random but when isak is rambling really fast and he goes “maybe we’ll get bombed tomorrow and talking about all this is a waste of time” it continually punches me in the throat bc that is /exactly/ how i ramble and think like tarjei........ pls -like eskild said. there really is so much love in isak’s little grumpy teenage body<3 -isak no longer just passively accepting life as its given to him, now he fights for him and even!!!!!  -isak is such a forgiving person and seeing him able to just accept things and move on? incredible -i remember when i first watched ep1 i was like oooo even and isak are gonna be kosegruppa partners and thats when theyll first get together, cooking food or smth!! but lmfao after episode 3? kosegruppa whomst???? also hilarious vilde thought isak of all people would willingly sign up for kosegruppa just to go to revue parties -even and linn friendship!!!! -cannot articulate how mf heartwarming it is to see even smiling and being more himself after being depressed (also thank u julie for having ups and downs coming out of his depression- its so true to life having one day when youre feeling awesome and then the next you feel awful again for no reason and its SO frustrating) -I had to stop watching passe pa meg cause it made me toooooo crazy! it would just be like: “I like seeing you laugh” and I was like: *SCREAMS* -im the fucking master of lying 😤 -literally don’t know why isak and even ragging on kosegruppa is so funny but “did you think I joined to have fun” gets me every time -I SAW YOU THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL -also even literally radiating love @ isak watching get snarky w vilde on the phone bc it reminded him of the first time he saw him! even rly is that boyfriend who thinks isak being pissy is the Best Thing he has Ever seen -halla boiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiz -literally the glo up of isak telling his friends the order in which he’d bang them -No filter! wow I love symbolism -so nice to see the girls together for a lil bit :) -the boys hyping up mags while also telling him to be respectful awwwwww -take desperate to a whole new level- Confucius  -who’s going to show isak how to properly hold a beer can -literally evak banter gets me thru the day. thank u tarjei and henrik for having phenomenal chemistry + improvisation skills + making isak and even the dumbest nerdiest boys i have ever seen -biology partner. and friend. ;-; -even literally is the biggest stoner blease -isak’s talk with eva is just sooooo<3 and not to be emo on main but every single word of the last few sentences he says hit me so gd hard because i feel the exact same way in my BONES -livet er nå 💛

final thoughts :( <3 -this season is so special. it feels like one really long oscar-worthy movie or smth?? i cant even exblain, its just magical. ALSO very dear to my heart. -julie really said you guys have seen isak sad and alone and repressed for the past two seasons so heres him falling in love with the best person in the world and coming to terms with who he is and being brave and opening up and finally being happy and living a real life -this season definitely feels different from s1/2/4 to me editing or production or music smth wise? as in, its got a lot fewer aesthetic shots and the cinematography seems a bit different if that makes any sense???? I also think this is the season most focused just on the main (i.e. not many- if any? sideplots going on) -literally will never get over the thought, love, and detail put into this season. when i say there is literally nothing i would change about it, i mean it and coming from my nitpicky ass??? means a lot lmfao. the acting, directing, music choices, symbolism...... sublime -s3′s cold rainy autumn aesthetic makes me ACHE for fall and also nostalgic for a highschool experience I never had lmao?? also. all the nighttime clips >>> -don’t know what else to say except thank u skam for my life

[whocaresaboutmyurl]

rules:

always repost the rules

answer the questions given to you by the one who tagged you!

give 11 questions

tag 11 people

I was tagged by @davidfors5 like 5 years ago sorry, i am late

1. fave character from each remake and why?

I haven't watched them all yet

Druck: Matteo! I see so many things of me on him.When i was a teen on school i suffered from social anxiety a lot. The scene of the party when he had a mental breakdown hit me so hard, it was like looking at my old self on a normal friday of 2011-2014. (I actually got emotional just thinking about it) And if you want to get deep on this (warning of oversharing, but who cares this is tumblr, is oversharing culture) all the comments about his mental health made me realize that i was depressed. And i feel connected to him in an emotional level now.

Skam España: she is not my favorite character but Viri is a very interesting Vilde. I love that they have been building her story since the beginning, can't wait for her season (i wouldn’t be mad if we see Nora/Alejandro story from her pov)

Skam France....i don’t have one but i think that Imane?

Skam Italia...don’t have one, maybe Eleonora?

Skam OG: SANASOOOL! 🌻💗🌞 you didn’t ask for this but she is my favorite, i love her so much. I learned from her a lot and not only in her season. When i see Sana my faces is literally heart eyes.

2. fave musical moment?

i had a mini mental breakdown doing this, there a lot of iconic musical moments!

i think that the music of Samstag 20:55 (davenzi first time) is genius, I love how it describes David. I love that is calm, it feeled so intimate. I love how it confirmed that they are soulmates forever. 

3. if you could make your own season, who would it be about and what would happen? 

i wrote this so many times, i had an idea and then it evolve. Is very messy, sorry

I really want a season which doesn’t involve a romantic interest. Because a lots of teens don’t experienced romance during their school years.

And i would like to see a character dealing with their insecure about the future, about their talents, about what they want to do in life. This could work with Noora because she looks like she does very good at school, but that doesn't mean that she knows what she wants to do. Also, she is know as someone who is very “idealistic” and peaceful person, so the struggle of wanting to change the world but don’t knowing how being just a teen is interesting for me. Or maybe Crisss because we didn’t knew much about her :( 

I would like topics about social anxiety, for personal reasons, and because adolescence shows a peak on this.

4. rank the sanas ( I’m evil I know )

jaajajajajajajajjajajaj dgkhsagfhdh 

5. you Sana Italia

4. can't

3. rank Imane (she deserves better)

2. them Amira Mahmood / Amira Naybet

1. Sanasol

5. fave season from each remake and why?

Druck: Matteo!! For a lot of reasons! I relate to him in a superior level, the cinematographic, the acting, the music is *chef kiss* and they said Trans rights! But s4 is coming with Amira (and Mohammed) so this answer could change. I love Yousana story and i feel that Druck is going to fix all those things that we didn’t like about og s4.

Skam France....do i need to answear this? i guess that s3? but not really...(s1 and s2 are the same as the og, and s4 is a mistake in the universe...) but i didn’t feel comfortable watching s3 neither

Skam italia...the only one i was actually involve was s2

Skam España: WLW RIGHTS!!! (i haven’t watched s1 yet...sorry not sorry)

I tag @davidfors5 @bbibbicoolee @2ndbest @moony2121 @hufflevpuff @florenzied @floraflorenzi 

(sorry for tagging you again, you don’t have to do it if don’t want to)

Questions!

1. if you could audition for any character which would it be?

2. Which character is underrated in skam universe?

3. Favorite visual symbolism?

4. Favorite soundtrack season? for any remake

5. if you could travel to any of the remakes location which would you choose and why?

6. What country would you like to have a remake?

7. What do you prefer ... S5-S8 of OG or the remakes?

8. Did you watched the og live?

9. Which girl/boys squad would you join?

10. Rank the Eskilds 😈

11. i really don’t know what to ask, so...how is your day going? 

[chaoswillcalmusdown]

Title: runnin’ on my mind, boy Pairing: Sana/Yousef Summary: Sana gets a part time job in a café, has to face Yousef Acar once again and then ends up as his date to a wedding. Rating: T

 Written for the lovely @stressedoutteenager as my @yousanaexchange gift. I hope you like it!

THURSDAY 23 NOVEMBER: ISAK AND EVEN'S APARTMENT

It really starts in November when Sana sits down with all the Russ budget calculations - because even though their bus is small, it's still a Russebuss - and her list of things she needs to do and buy in the next few months. She and her family only do a small christmas celebration, which started when Sana and her siblings were little and jealous that everyone else got presents but they didn't and has since just become a nice winter tradition, and she usually ends up taking part in a few parties that have a secret santa concept, which also means that she'll want something new to wear, maybe a cute christmassy sweater. Sana had expected to be able to save up money from the summer, but she doesn't have nearly as much saved as she'd like. While Sana is sure her parents would be willing to help her out, she really doesn't want to have to ask her parents for anything. Instead, she applies to every job she can find that she could possibly do. A few weeks down the line, she's gotten zero replies. She complains to Isak about it, about how she really doesn't want to ask her parents for more money. Isak is really unsympathetic because he's not going to be part of any Russebuss so he doesn't understand the stress. They're sacked out on his sofa, trying to revise for chemistry. Or, Isak has begged Sana to help explain something that he missed so he doesn't fail. Still, Sana counts it as revision.

Isak pauses, strangely thoughtful, then calls out, "Hey, babe, didn't you need extra staff at KB?"

Even leans out of the kitchen, soapy gloves and all, "Yeah, we kind of always do," he sighs, "why, what's up?"

"I've been applying for part time jobs, but I'm not getting anywhere," Sana sighs.

Even's face lights up. "Sanasol, come work with me! It'll be amazing!"

Isak looks purposely over at Sana, "You're welcome."

SATURDAY 2 DECEMBER: KAFFEBRENNERIET

Even ends up getting both Sana and Chris interviews, and the boss seems to trust Even's judgement, or they just really make a great impression because they both get hired.The introduction at KB is pretty basic, but the coffee machine looks intimidating. Even assures them that it looks scarier than it really is, and that he has every faith in them.

"But, it's easier if you really get to practice with it so I think we nominate one of you to get the hang of it first."

Christ immediately backs into the back, saying "I'll go wash some more cups," while Sana glares at the door swinging shut behind her.

Even pats her on the head. "You're gonna be a surgeon, Sanasol. Don't let the espresso maker beat you."

Even is a surprisingly good teacher, though he claims that Sana is just a brilliant student, and she picks it up pretty quickly. She doesn't burn herself nearly as much as Chris, and she's pretty good at handling pressure and multitasking, so she prefers making drinks while Chris takes the orders. And Chris, being the social butterfly that she is, also prefers it that way. She chats up literally every customer, and flirts cheerfully all day long. But it keeps the customers from getting grumpy when Sana takes too long or has to redo something, so it's all good.

Of course, once their friends and Elias find out about their new jobs, they suddenly get a lot of customers that they know. Elias tries to get family discounts, which Chris finds hilarious, while Sana just wishes she could escape through the wooden floor. But then Mutta steps up to order, which shockingly stuns Chris into silence for a hot second, before she turns the flirting up a whole lot, leaning over the counter and fluttering her eyelashes. Sana can't help but snort and look over at Elias, only to lock eyes with Yousef friggin Acar. He's smiling like he can't really help it but he's also flicking his eyes between Sana and the Chris-and-Mutta thing like he can't look away, even though he wants to. Thankfully, Mutta doesn't look intimated at all, instead he's leaning into it, heart eyes focused on Chris with a giant smile and just the slightest blush visible high on his cheeks. When it's Yousef's turn, they're still flirting so Sana sidles up to the register to take his order before she makes both drinks.

After Sana has greeted him normally, Yousef smirks, tilting his head, "So, I guess everyone doesn't get that special treatment in here, huh?" He gestures to the side.

Sana laughs, feeling her cheeks flush slightly, "Flirting is more Chris' job, to be fair. Or Even's." Chris finally snaps out of her flirting enough to at least take Adam's order, though he's laughing too hard to really be bothered about the wait.

"That's a shame," Yousef says, still smiling wide. Sana's brain goes into a panic mode and she turns away and grabs two mugs in auto mode, stumped as to how to even respond to that comment without embarrassing herself completely. She hasn't seen much of her brother's friends since she started her last year of high school. To be fair, she hasn't seen much of Yousef since he came back from Turkey and their flirting fizzled out. Seeing him up close like this brings back all the nice memories and the realization that she is no longer desensitized to Yousef Acar and his ridiculously lovely smile.

She finishes his and Adam's coffees, and once she hands them over, she makes eye contact and tries really hard to not react to his warm hands or that smile. "I know you're busy with university applications and all that," he says, "but it's really nice to see you," and Sana thinks she's gonna explode. After all the time she spent convincing herself that they wouldn't work, and that Yousef wasn't the right guy for her, she's still putty in is palm. Somewhere in the back of her mind, she remembers her mother's advice about marrying a non-muslim, and even without that, it's been over a year and there's no way Yousef could actually still like her in that way if he ever had. It's just been too long, and surely he's moved on at this point.  She sighs, moving back to the espresso machine to start the next order. When the boys have all sat down in the corner, Sana turns her back to the cafe and blows out a loud breath, planning to get Chris to take over so she can escape to the bathroom for a while. When she looks up, Chris is grinning like the cheshire cat.

"What?!" Sana snaps, defensive as always when people see her showing emotion or weakness.

Chris' face softens. "It's just nice to see you smile at someone who isn't the girls. Or your brother. You're cute when you prove that you're actually a human and not just the 'perfect hijabi robot'."

It's sweet and at the same time way too perceptive for comfort, but they're in public so Sana rolls her eyes, but bumps Chris' shoulder and then there's another customer approaching and Sana forgot all about her desperate need to escape Yousef's perfect face.

SATURDAY AFTERNOON 09 DECEMBER: YOUSEF'S HOUSE

Yousef has always regularly frequented this specific KB, though not really until he and Even made up, but he'd be a liar if he said he didn't go in more often to see Sana. One Saturday afternoon, a few weeks before Christmas, Yousef's chatting to his cousin Metin, who is the same age and is about to get married, while he tries to figure out a plan for his exam revision. He's stressed and tired and when Metin starts asking about Sana - because Metin was one of the few people Yousef could tell about his feelings for Sana - and how Yousef needs to get a move on with the relationship before she loses interest and the teasing just ramps up until Yousef accidentally says that he's fine on the relationship front, thank you very much. He's never been able to keep his cool when he and Metin end up competing over something, but this is definitely the dumbest thing he has ever said. Even worse is the fact that his aunt overhears him - he may have yelled a little - and comes over to gush at him, then runs out to call her mom probably, which means that everyone in the entire family will know. His grandparents, all his aunts and uncles, just everyone. And they'll all be expecting him to bring someone to Metin's wedding - because that's what his family does to everyone over the age of 15 at weddings - but specifically they're going to be expecting to meet his long time girlfriend. In less than a month's time. Shit. Yousef's left blinking at the screen while Metin laughs at his expression for a long while, and then Yousef just hangs up.

SUNDAY 10 DECEMBER: KAFFEBRENNERIET

As the most reasonable out of the boys - and because Even is busy - Yousef tracks down Elias at KB and recruits him to listen to the entire shitty situation - though he leaves out all the details about him still pining over Sana because Elias is her big brother after all. He rants at Elias for at least half an hour, while Elias sips at his frappe, laptops and textbooks pushed aside. When he's done Elias looks at him for a while, eyebrows furrowed.

"Why the hell did you tell him you were dating someone?" is what Elias has to say. Yousef sighs, dropping his head onto the table. "No, seriously. This situation was so unavoidable."

"Yes, thank you, Elias, I realize that. I didn't mean to do that. Can you help me fix it? Literally my entire family knows. My mom asked me about my girlfriend this morning and why I didn't tell her already, and was that the girl I brought soup that one time, and will she meet her before the wedding and blah blah blah."

Elias looks at him like he's dumb. "I truly don't understand how you could accidentally say you've got a serious girlfriend when you so clearly do not." Then shrugs. "The only real solution is telling everyone you lied, but that makes you look kinda crazy. And showing up to the wedding alone after would make them all pity you so hard. So, I think you should bring a fake girlfriend."

Because Yousef's life is a soap opera, Sana appears at the end of the table to clear some empty plates, and asks, with that slightly condescending, but still playful smirk she has, "what's this about a fake girlfriend?"

If Yousef hadn't mashed his face against the table, he'd have seen the way Sana's smirk faltered a little like she actually cared.

Elias sighed, "Yousef accidentally told his family that he's seeing someone, and doesn't want to tell them the truth because that would expose how truly embarrassing his life is and then everyone would spend his cousins wedding pitying him. So I said he should bring a fake girlfriend to the wedding."

"Wow, Elias, thanks for that." He chances a look at Sana, sighing and running his fingers anxiously through his hair before he looks back at Elias. "I don't know any girls, and I can't ask some stranger to go to a wedding with my entire crazy family. I'm just gonna have to admit that I lied and I'm pathetic."

When he looks back up at Sana, she's looking at him with a slightly tilted head, then inexplicably says, "I'll do it."

Yousef just gapes at her. "Really?"

She shrugs, smiling. "Wouldn't want your whole family to know you're a mess."

He profusely thanks her and promises to make it up to her. Sana rolls her eyes but she's smiling. "Oh, you'll owe me."

Yousef has never been more in love. She turns and walks away, literally taking his breath with her.

"You're welcome," says Elias, smug as anything.

Yousef chokes on his latte. "What? That's crazy, Elias, I can't fake date Sana!"

Surprisingly, Elias laughs. "Okay, so we're pretending you guys haven't been flirting with each other for years? Do you remember that time you threw grass in her face? Or all the times you go to 'get a drink' when Sana happens to be in the kitchen and then you don't come back until we drag you back."

"Oh my god," Yousef buries his face in his hands. "I can't believe you knew."

"Yousef, buddy, pal, friend," Elias huffs, "I can't believe you thought you were subtle."

Yousef's still convinced that Elias doesn't realize that he and Sana might have been going somewhere serious with their relationship, and he doesn't really think that it would be a good idea to tell him.

MONDAY 11 DECEMBER: KOLLEKTIVET

Sana and the girls are making gingerbread after school, Vilde and Chris had prepared the dough over the weekend and they'd all brought in some cute cookie cutters. When Sana gets there Noora is fiddling with the christmas playlist while Vilde wipes the kitchen counter and Chris is stood to the side, sneaking little bits of dough into her mouth. Sana catches her eye and Chris winks while Sana gives her a disgusted look. She's about to say something when her phone chimes and she pulls it up to see that Yousef has been dragged into wedding preparations and he's sent her a frowny selfie of him surrounded by ribbons and dry flowers and other random wedding things. Sana can't help but send a selfie back, followed by a line of crying laughing emojis, and then brag about her free afternoon. Yousef replies with a crying Jordan meme which makes Sana laugh out loud.

"Well, well, well," Noora says, making Sana look up. The girls are all watching her, smirking.

"Who's got you so smiley this afternoon?"

Sana clears her throat, trying to appear unfazed, "It's nothing," she says, shaking her head.

Chris, the traitor, goes "Are you texting Yossi?" causing Noora and Vilde to gasp loudly. Noora had bugged Sana for a while about Yousef, and what had happened.

"You have to tell us everything," Vilde demands, crossing her arms.

Sana sighs, and almost refuses on principle. But she knows that she needs to share more things. So she takes a deep breath and bargains, "I'll tell you while we start baking." Vilde purses her lips as she thinks it over but then agrees and hands Chris a rolling pin, grumbling at her to stop eating their beautiful creations. While Chris is rolling out the dough, Sana gets handed a mug of tea by a winking Noora and she decides it's better to get this over with. So she starts talking about how Yousef's come into the shop a few times and then ends up telling the girls the whole story.

"Wait," Noora interrupts after a while. "You're going to a wedding with him?"

Sana nods.

"But it's not a date?" Vilde asks. "Like, you're his date to this wedding but it's not a date date."

"Right."

"What?! Why would he ask you to go to a wedding if it's not a real date? You don't take a friend to a wedding. Weddings are super romantic."

Sana's phone chimed again and Noora laughed. "Yousef again?"

Sana looked down. "Yeah, he has to get fitted for a lilac suit because he's in the wedding party, and he's not happy about it." When she looks up, the girls are all smiling at her and she realizes she has a dopey smile on her face. She coughs, trying to change the subject.

"I really hope he's not leading you on, Sana," Vilde says. "That's not okay."

--

Yousef agonizes for a while, and then decides he has to try and come clean with someone. He goes to tell his mom that his girlfriend is actually fake because he feels guilty about how she keeps smiling at him and ruffling his hair. It goes like this:

Yousef walks into the kitchen while she's putting away clean dishes and clears his throat gently. "Hey, mom, I just wanted to say something, you know about um my girlfriend-"

"Oh, honey, you know I'm just so happy for you. I wasn't going to tell you but I think you've been different lately, less stressed maybe and I'm just so happy that you've found someone who you feel so comfortable with that you're bringing her to a family event." She looks over at him with slightly teary eyes and Yousef just opens and closes his mouth a few times, before giving up. "Sorry, sweetie, what did you want to say?"

Resigned, he says "Um. Just, that I'm excited to introduce everyone properly." Then he walks back into his room and drops, face down into his pillow.

WEDNESDAY AFTERNOON 13 DECEMBER: KAFFEBRENNERIET

Somehow Yousef gets Sana to agree to help Yousef shop for a new dress shirt, and he needs to go to the wedding suit place to check that his lilac suit fits properly. The fact that they're making plans to hang out on an afternoon feels like a date, even though Yousef knows in his heart that it really isn't. He waits for Sana at KB, having a sandwich and chatting with Even who is wearing a Lucia crown in honour of the day. Even gives him a lot of strange looks, and wiggles his eyebrows a lot during their conversation, but Yousef doesn't understand why, or what it's supposed to mean. He buys himself and Sana some drinks, and when Sana shows up they head out into the snow.

They start with his fitting, and then head toward a fancy-ish department store. Yousef gives Sana control over his shirt and tie choices, and she seems to immediately know what she wants and picks out both items within 15 minutes. It's all very impressive. Sana then drifts over to the jewellry section while Yousef pays, and he can't help but notice which necklaces and bracelets she lingers over. Once they've picked up everything they'll need they go for dinner and then Yousef walks Sana home. All without ever touching on the elephant in the room. Or any hint of awkwardness because of said elephant. A part of Yousef wants to ask why Sana was so quick to agree to pretend to be his girlfriend when she seemed to give up on them as a couple a few months earlier. Maybe her mom really didn't approve of him. Or maybe his struggle with his religion was just too much for her. But he doesn't know if he wants to hear the answer.

FRIDAY 15 DECEMBER: SANA'S PLACE

When Sana gets home from school, texting her mom for help with a hijab style she thinks she wants to try out for the wedding, Even appears and demands details. When she looks at him questioningly, he whispers "Details, from your date with Yousef. I need all the deets, Sanasol."

Sana blinks at him for a while, and can't help but sigh. "There are no details, Even. It wasn't a date."

Even frowns, "But.."

Sana shrugged.

"What the hell," Even exclaims.

Sana's mom calls for her from the kitchen, and Even pats her on the head before going back into the living room.

Sana heads into her room and pulls out her prayer mat. She's starting to feel nervous about spending a whole evening pretending to be his girlfriend so she prays, revelling in the habit and the normalcy, and hopes that she'll gain clarity. She's nervous both because it might be really awkward, but also because they've gone back to kind of flirting with each other so easily that it might not be awkward at all. She doesn't really know which would be worse or what each possibility might mean.

Her mom comes in as she's securing the hijab, fiddling with the back, even though she can't see it, and sits on her bed, looking at her with a thoughtful expression. "So, you and Yousef are going to a wedding.." she starts, and Sana sighs. She'd had to explain the whole thing, but her mom hadn't believed that it wasn't a real date. "Sana, you remember the conversation we had-"

For some reason, even though she doesn't think that she and Yousef are ever going to be together like that, Sana decides that she needs to just ask her mom to trust her in this. She doesn't want to hear a repeat of that conversation they'd had. "I remember, mom, you don't want me to be lonely in a relationship so you think that it would be harder if I marry someone who doesn't have the same kind of faith as me. And I've thought a lot about that, really a lot, and I don't think that's true for me. Whenever Yousef and I have talked about Islam, I don't feel like I'm having to explain myself like how I feel with the girls sometimes. I know he understands me, even if he believes differently or expresses his faith differently. He gets me. You know, what is important to me is marrying someone who has the same values as me, who respects Isak and Even and who respects me, and not just someone who says he believes." Sana stops for a moment and realizes how she'd just blurted out what she wanted to say to her mom those months ago when she should have. Now, there's nothing going on with her and Yousef at all. Trying to backpedal, she says, "I mean. It doesn't matter, nothing is going to happen-"

While she's talking, or ranting really, she realizes that maybe she needs to muster up the courage to actually tell Yousef how she felt and still, apparently, feels. To see if he feels the same, officially. So she can properly move on if he doesn't feel anything. Even though her stomach turns at the thought, she knows she can't just keep flirting with him and pulling back, and then flirt more, and pull back again.

"Sana, sweetheart, I was going to say that I think I was too rash in my advice. I think that your faith is so strong, and you are so strong in yourself, that whoever you deem worthy will be the right person. I would never have married someone I liked at 18 but I know you are mature and I shouldn't dismiss your feelings."

Sana goes into the kitchen for some air, and of course there is Yousef, making tea. He makes her a cup, smiling sweetly at her. Adam comes in to help, and Sana realizes when he keeps looking between her and Yousef that they're completely silent. For once they're kind of awkward around each other, and she doesn't know what that means. She mumbled out a thanks for the tea and then runs back to her room and hangs up the hijab, pulling on a big hoodie.

After the boys have left, Elias begins to worry that something's wrong. Sana's fidgeting on the other side of the sofa, something she never does. Then, suddenly Sana starts talking, more like ranting, and Elias' stomach drops.

"That was really weird, Elias. Was that not weird? It's like. He flirts with me on and off, he sent me all these cute memes on facebook. And then he lied about the vodka to protect me. And -" she doesn't really want to go into further detail. "And now I'm going as his fake date to a wedding. What does he want? What am I doing?"

Elias just looks at her for a moment. "You really like him, don't you? Like, you genuinely like him."

Sana looks away. "I don't know. I guess. I- I shouldn't. There's no point, anyway. He doesn't like me like that. Not after all this time. And we're too different, that's-"

Elias sighs. "I thought he was more into you than you were into him. I didn't realize, or I would've stopped this whole thing."

Elias is woken up at 7 the next morning by text messages from Yousef in increasing levels of panic, which end with "she's literally my soulmate and I just asked her to pretend to be my girlfriend and i messed up our friendship but she's my soulmate. your little sister. what is life. what do i do now? how do i fix us??? how do i ever impress a girl who was my pretend girlfriend bc i'm a mess and a coward??" Elias sighs and texts back a supportive "just tell her the truth, idiot. just ask her out for real" text before he turns over and pulls the sheets over his head. He's not awake enough for this yet.

SUNDAY 17 DECEMBER: METIN AND AMELIA'S WEDDING

Before the ceremony, Sana is introduced to a bunch of Yousef's relatives and she chats with his mom for a while, because she hasn't seen her in awhile. During the ceremony she sits behind Yousef's family, while Yousef stands next to Metin.

When Yousef walks up to her after the ceremony, Sana brings up how lovely the wedding was and Yousef agrees which makes her wonder how he sees his future wedding. So she asks.

"I'd definitely want something like this," Yousef says, shrugging. "As long as the person I'm marrying wouldn't think it was blasphemy, you know. I might not feel totally comfortable saying I believe, like I did when I was 13, but I'm realizing that's partly me being too much in my head you know? Even helped me a lot with that, we've talked a lot about religion and stuff since we started talking again. And I've started going to the mosque, I don't know if Elias told you? I realized that I can question some things within my religion without fully rejecting it. After all, I grew up muslim and it's felt strange to just completely back away. I don't know, maybe it doesn't make sense to you."

Sana's looking off at the other end of the room where the bride and groom are talking to their parents. "No, I get that. Maybe you wouldn't expect it from me, but I do question things, too."

"So how do you fully accept that?"

Sana sighed, looking over at Yousef. "You're asking me like I have all the answers."

Yousef shrugs. "Sometimes I think you do."

Sana laughs. "Wow, Yousef. I really don't have any answers. But the way I know islam is as a religion that thinks every single person is worth the same. So, therefore it doesn't matter if you're gay or if you're a man or a woman. It just matters that you're a good person. That you try to be good to others."

Yousef nods, smiling. He doesn't say anything, just looks into Sana's eyes for a long moment, which both unnerves Sana and gives her massive butterflies. Sana slips away to the bathroom, and once in there she stares at herself in the mirror for a while. She had expected some awkwardness, or for her or Yousef to slip up and say something that showed they weren't actually dating, but the whole night had gone by without any awkwardness. They've laughed with his relatives and danced and laughed. When Yousef's aunt asked how they got together, Sana smirked at Yousef and told the story of how he flirted by criticising her carrot peeling skills and the whole table laughed as he blushed. In the end, it's awful because it's not awful at all. It feels normal to be at this wedding with Yousef, and everyone seems to believe that they're actually dating. Sana even feels like she did in the spring, when she genuinely felt like she could go on to marry Yousef. But now she really doesn't know what to do. She rejected him for what she felt were the right reasons, but she's realizing that she was probably just scared to fully commit.

THURSDAY 21 DECEMBER: KOLLEKTIVET

Because Sana's turning 18, and this is going to mean a giant family affair, the girls plan a nice, chill party for her a few nights earlier, gathering the balloon squad, Jamilla, and Jonas and the boys in the Kollektiv for some food and celebrations. They tell Sana to come over for dinner, and maybe neglect to mention the fact that it's going to be a party. The look of joy on Sana's face when she comes in and sees Jamilla and Elias joking with Eskild and Isak, and Mutta flirting with Chris in a corner, is totally worth the secrecy. They've put on a vegetarian feast with only non-alcoholic drink options and a dessert table, with a Tupac cake as the main attraction, but they hide it in the fridge until they sing happy birthday.

As the party is winding down, Yousef walks over to Sana who is talking to Chris and Mutta, and asks to talk to her for a second. Sana hasn't really talked to Yousef since the wedding, apart from a few texts. They head outside, because there's nowhere else to get away from their curious friends. So, they're standing in the snow, and Yousef steels himself before he reaches into his jacket and pulls out a little box.

"Happy birthday," he says, looking nervous.

Sana opens the box and inside is the rose necklace she'd seen when they went shopping the other day. She looks up at him, brows furrowed. "Yousef, this is way too much."

He rolls his eyes. "It's really not. I wanted to get it for you. And I wanted to apologize for the whole wedding date thing.I- Honestly, I just jumped at the chance to spend more time with you. Because I think you're amazing, and extremely out of my league and I think you know by now that I can't flirt like a normal person when I'm around you. Still, I shouldn't have asked you to be my fake girlfriend when I want you to be my real girlfriend. That's not cool"

He looks over at Sana who's gaping at him, with slightly watery eyes which seems like a terrible sign. Sana swallows. "You shouldn't apologize. I- I think, even before, if you had asked me to be your girlfriend I would've said yes. I've been scared of our differences and what that means but my feelings haven't changed, Yousef. I do like you. Too much, probably."

Yousef kind of feels like crying himself but he looks away for a second instead, thinking and gathering his courage. "I never said anything, because it felt like a lot but. You really make me feel like I'm a strong, capable person. I never thought for a second that we would fight about our differences because we had deep conversations about islam from the beginning and I never felt judged."

Sana hums and takes a sip of her coffee. "I think I kind of got that, but maybe we just weren't ready. We're older and more mature now. At least I am." She smirks at him, then looks away. Yousef bursts out laughing, mostly because the relief he's feeling has him floating.

"But it's. Elias once asked me if it's better to have a guy who says he's muslim and believes in Allah or if it's better to have one that acts like a muslim, and I think the answer is pretty obvious."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

Yousef can't help but grin and Sana grins back, the two of them stood on a street in the middle of Oslo in the freezing cold, snow swirling around them, just smiling at each other like idiots.

[skamfairy]

Isak and Sana’s friendship - throughout the years

The last one gets really really long because I couldn’t stop - I kinda have so many more of these so remind me to do a part 2 sometime <3 if you like of course :)

when Isak and Sana have to prepare for their final exams in third year, Even helps Isak plan a big study session at their apartment. 

there are colourful cushions all over the floor with books stacked in a pile. 

Even has freshly baked brownies placed in the centre, 

and calming music playing in the background. 

Isak claps his hands, raises one eye brow at Sana and exclaims “lets do this” 

they spend the afternoon quizzing each other, yelling at their text books and eating all the sugar Even throws at them before deciding they’ve had enough and going out for pizza

When they graduate, the two hug (something rare for both of them) 

but they struggle to let go, 

when they do Isak blinks his eyes 

and Sana laughs at him for crying 

I just got a fucking eyelash in my eye okay?!

mmhmm that’s it Isabel

but Isak doesn’t know that Sana is struggling not to cry either. Thank god she chose to wear waterproof mascara today. 

Even forces the two to get together as he takes over a million photos of them

Eveeeeeen I think you got enough

Isak are you crying?

fy faen

Turns out the bio dream team ended up both studying at the university of Oslo

Isak is studying med, Sana is studying politics, but still....

somehow they manage to compete and challenge each other for the better

I can’t do this Sana, I give up. Why did I even bother, I am an idiot. I should just drop out

oh okay I didn’t realise you were a coward

what

you too scared of work huh?

sana nei I-

wanna do something easy?

but I just

or do you want to work hard and accomplish your dream like the nerd I know you are?

well when you put it like that

okay give me your book, I bet I can answer more questions than you

Isak grins

your on Sanasol

When Isak asks Even to marry him (by hiding the ring in their bottle of kardammome and insisting Even makes him a kardamomme sandwich even tho it tastes like balls) Sana is the first person he calls after screaming with the boy squad for an hour

SANA I DID IT

You learnt to tie your shoe laces? well Isak that’s-

nei Sana he said YES

she pauses for a few seconds before whispering “you did it?” 

I DID IT

He said yes?

HE SAID YES

well of course he said yes, that boy looks at you like your god or something

that’s cos I am

okay stop 

she smiles on the other end, her heart growing five sizes at the thought of her two best friends deciding to spend the rest of their lives together

congratulations Isak, I am so happy for you...you- you deserve this. 

Isak is gonna cry

Sana?

yeah Isabel?

will you-okay don’t laugh but- will you be our maid of honour?

Sana is speechless

wh-why me?

are you kidding? Sana it all began with you...you and your 10%

her beautiful laugh chimes down the phone

your practically my fairy godmother

oh my gosh say that again and you’ll have to find another maid of honour

well Eskild is keen for the job actually

Sana laughs 

fine i’ll do it

you’ll do it?

i’ll be honoured Isak

When Isak and Even bring home a baby girl from the hospital, Sana stands back as boy squad, girl squad, and the kollektivet fight over holding the tiny human. 

Okay give her to uncle Mags!

Magnus you have literally just held her for 45 minutes, i get her for two seconds and you ask for her back? piss off, Eva says as she presses her face against the small little head

Language! not in front of the baby Noora says horrified,

Vilde grins i’m gonna make her the cutest little aerobics outfit

Is baby aerobics even a thing? Jonas asks as he grabs for the baby

nei back off! Eva says

your being a baby hog Eva 

Eskild shakes his head disapprovingly

now give her to her gurumother

we told you that is not a thing Isak laughs 

I like it Even grins causing Isak to whack him playfully

Mahdi finally manages to steal little evak from Eva and holds her up to his face

hello angel

oh great now we’ll never get her Jonas groans

Sana is standing in the back staring intently at the cute cartoon animals Even painted on the wall

are you going to hold her? Isak’s voice startles her 

um what - uh nah I- I held her before

no you didn’t

yeah um i did

Isak gives her his snake glare

you don’t like my baby?

what? nei I

what’s wrong with my baby Sana?

oh my god

my baby not good enough for her aunt Sana

okay look

hold my baby Sana

Isak- kids are just...I like kids

you like kids?

yes I just

don’t like my kid

fy faen she breathes

LANGUAGE Noora shouts

Isak laughs 

Even Linn held her, why won’t you

okay fine oh my god

She marches over to where Vilde and Eva are tickling the child which is gazing up with big blue eyes laughing at virtually nothing

give me the child she says

Vilde looks up are you sure

Sana rolls her eyes yes i’m sure

she picks up the baby awkwardly and stares at it

she doesn’t get the appeal

Hi baby she says the baby opens it’s mouth and drools

you don’t do much do you?

the baby crinkles it’s eyes in a smile the way Even does and grows red like Isak does when he is embarrassed (which is a lot)

suddenly Sana grows warm. she sits down with the little girl in her arms and smiles at her 

well your not too bad I guess

suddenly she hears a flash from across the room

she looks up to see Even grinning behind a camera

GOT IT he says proudly high fiving Isak

Sana rolls her eyes you two are the worse she says 

she shakes her head at the baby 

your dads are so lame

the baby hums in agreement

i feel bad for you 

the baby pouts

i do and look at those guys over there

she lifts the baby up to show her Mahdi and Magnus playing with a stuffed duck and a stuffed bunny

and then you have Vilde and Eva

she gestures to the girls who are giggling over the baby sock with their arms around each other 

the baby coos

don’t it’s not cute

the baby tilts it’s head in interest

it’s not

the baby isn’t convinced

anyway then you have Noora and Eskild

the babies eyes follow where Sana is pointing

nei Eskild this is plastic, the baby can’t have plastic

oh my gosh Noora you are such a fun sucker 

excuse me?

i’m the fun gurumother you’re gonna be the old hag she tricks into giving her money

You are going to poison her!

Sana rolls her eyes

a mess I tell ya

The baby looks over at Chris who is choreographing a dance routine to the nursery rhyme playing from the music box Noora gave the baby

Sana smiles, yeah okay she’s special, she says 

the baby nods 

Jonas and Linn are in the corner discussing capitalism 

the baby raises her nonexistent eyebrows 

yeah okay I was surprised about that development too

then she finally lets the little girl look at her parents who are laughing at Magnus and Mahdi and trying to tell Noora and Esklid to chillI 

hope you realise how lucky you are Sana says pulling the baby close

I mean they are all crazy, but stick with me kid and i’ll help you through

The baby smiles, she likes that idea

the boys walk over to Sana after a few minutes

hows aunt Sana doing? Even asks

we have an understanding

She loves you Isak smiles, he loves seeing two of his favourite girls together like this

Even picks up his daughter “Okay Lily Flower time for lunch”

Isak grins brightly at seeing his baby in his mans arms

everyone is grinning actually

especially Sana

[stevethehairington]

My thanks and appreciation and love to everyone who was apart of Skam...

I can’t believe that today is the last day of Skam. It feels like just yesterday I was logging onto Tumblr and seeing my feed full of countless gifs of the two precious boys who would come to change my life (and take it over!) making out spiderman style and sharing smokes with each other. I remember reblogging one of those gifs and thinking to myself “they look so cute together and they look so gone for each other, what is this show?” and thus, my downward spiral (really it was totally positive though!!) into the abyss that is called Skam began. I remember figuring out that those gifs were from season 3 and that they were already on the fifth episode of it and I went back and watched all of season 3, found season 1 and 2 and watched those, and then watched season 3 again until I was caught up. I think I’ve watched season 3 about 10 times by now and I’ve seen seasons 1 and 2 several times more as well! That’s how much I love this show, I can rewatch it so many times and still never get sick of it! I really can’t believe that we’ve reached the end- it feels so surreal. I’m so grateful for everything Skam has done for me. It has taught me so many things about some many different topics, I’ve made some great friends because of it, I’ve gotten to learn a new language and appreciate different cultures, I have so many new mottos to live by now as well. God, this show was just so good. It was so real, which is way different from most of the shows I watch. As an American, our television shows love drama and love to drop bombs for “shock value” and they love to use actors who are like 27 to portray someone who’s supposed to be 17, so the fact that Skam had actors that were really 17 playing 17 year olds and that all of the conflicts were realistic and weren’t just there to create more drama but actually had a purpose was so so refreshing and it just drew me in even more. I have loved every second of Skam and deciding to check this show out was probably the best decision of my life. This show, these actors, Julie- all of it has changed my life for the better and I know I’m never going to find something as amazing as this. I will forever cherish this show and everything it has done for me.

To Julie, thank you from the bottom of my heart for everything you have done for this show. You’ve created so many amazing characters that all represent something different and are all so genuine which allows us to see ourselves in them- they’re not perfect, they make mistakes, but they learn from those mistakes and the lessons these characters have taught us are lessons I will never ever forget. You also managed to give so much representation for so many different groups- religion, sexuality, mental illness, gender, race, abuse victims, and so many others that I have not seen before, and that in itself is truly amazing. You chose the perfect actors to be apart of your creation as well, every single one of them seems so down to earth and so genuinely good, and they are all immensely talented and work so well together. The storylines, as well, are masterpieces. Every single problem these characters faced were real problems that people face all over the world and every person that watched this show could identify with at least one of these problems. I especially enjoyed how everything was relevant and how you used parallels and symbolism so so well. This show has not only taught me so much and helped me become more aware of things, but it brought me closer to so many people around the world. I’ve made so many new friends through this show and for that I am forever grateful. Not to mention, this show has sparked an interest of languages in me, and I even started learning Norwegian! It’s such a beautiful language! You are an incredibly talented human being and I have never been more happy to have found this show. I stumbled upon a true gem when I found this one ❤

To Tarjei, god where do I even start? I started watching this show about halfway through Isak’ s season and I knew from the second I started watching that I would absolutely fall in love with you. I was totally right. I was captivated from the start. You are such an amazing actor, I literally cannot put into words how talented I think you are. Your ability to do so much and portray so many different emotions with your facial expressions and just the tiny details of each expression, it blows my mind. You’re only eleven days older than me and you’ve got more talent that I could ever imagine having. I know you’re going to go on to do the most amazing things- who are we kidding, you’ve already gone and landed yourself some wonderful roles (Grease!! My favorite musical!! I’m so excited for you!!) that I know you’ll beyond succeed in! I’ve really enjoyed watching you grow both as a person and as an actor (and as Isak, especially as Isak, that character development is wow, too good!). Throughout the years you’ve only gotten more talented and more amazing, and I am so glad that I was able to be here to witness that! You put so much passion into everything you do and I could totally see that with Isak. The way you played him was phenomenal and the way you handled his struggles and the ways he dealt with things (or didn’t) was so well done. Once again, I am at a loss for words for how insanely proud I am of you, Tarjei. I love you with all my being. Never stop being you. ❤ 

To Henrik, you wonderful, bright star of a human being. I’ve only “known” you since November but it feels like it’s been years. You are single handedly one of the absolute most talented people I have ever had the honor and pleasure of watching. In one of your interviews at the Skam party you said that you didn’t want to make Even a stereotypical character and that you wanted to portray mental illness in a respectful, believable way and can I just say you were beyond successful in this. Anyone that ever has to play someone with a mental illness should absolutely take notes from you! You did Even so much justice and you made him so believable and genuine and you were so very respectful about it all. Mental illnesses are not easy, and you definitely portrayed that. Your portrayal of Even taught me so so much about mental illnesses and I will forever be grateful for that. I know that you resonated with so many people through this role and you should be incredibly proud of yourself. You definitely made history with Even seeing as he not only represented living with bipolar, but also identifying as pansexual, something I don’t think I’ve ever seen before. You are a role model for so many people, myself included, and I’m so glad that Julie picked up that phone and called you. I’m still so upset that we didn’t get to see more of Even and learn more about his story and his background and explore all of his complex layers- he had such an amazing story to tell and so so much potential. Part of the reason why he had so much potential, I think, is because of you Henrik. You breathed so much life into that character and I could tell how passionate you were about that role. Every single time you came on screen I was just so captivated with how much effort you put into Even. I’m truly impressed and so so proud, I can’t even properly express it all. I’m not ready to let go of Even, that’s for sure! I’ll miss him so so much, but I know he will always live on in my heart and mind, and I know he will in yours as well. (And hey, I know a ton of people, myself included, would totally be 100% on board with and in support of you just making Even his own season- I bet you could get some of the other cast to get on board as well, if they’re not already) I know you’re going to do great things, whatever projects you have next are so lucky to have you and I can’t wait to hear all about them. Not only are you incredibly genuine when you play Even, but you’re also so genuine in real life as well. You seem like you’re the nicest human being ever and I am so glad that I had the opportunity to exist in the same lifetime as you. You’re insanely talented and charming and so down to earth and sweet, I’m sure this won’t be the last we see of you! I love you with all my heart, Henrik! ❤❤

To Iman, I’m so incredibly proud of you for everything you have done in Skam. You are a truly wonderful person and an amazing actress. To hear that you’ll be joining the army- I am incredibly proud of you, and Norway is incredibly lucky, their army is gaining such a strong, wonderful woman. Your portrayal of Sana has been amazing, you brought her to life, embodied her sass and her strength and gave her your everything. I learned so much from both Sana and you about so many different things- about Islam and religion, about friendship, about being selfless and always looking out for those you love. Sana was such a loyal character and I admire that so very much. She always stood up for her friends and defended them and would go to the ends of the earth for them. Her heart is so big and so golden and I love her so so much. Her friendship with Isak was one of my favorite things to watch, their banter was lovely and they were so pure. I wish we could’ve seen more of Sana and Even interacting, I feel like they would have been amazing friends. Your portrayal of Sana was a gift to us all, and Sana’s nickname may be Sanasol, but Iman, you really are the sun here, shining so very bright and leaving us all in awe. You are a beautiful soul, inside and out and I’m going to miss you and Sana so very much. ❤

To Ulrikke, you. are. absolutely. stunning. You have a heart of pure gold and I admire you in every single way possible. You are such an empowering, strong, beautiful woman and I consider you to be one of my role models. Every time I see you post something on Instagram, I always smile because I know that whatever it is you posted is going to inspire so many people, girls and boys, young and old, everyone. Your portrayal of Vilde was amazing. Vilde was such a complex character and she struggled with so much, and I’m so disappointed that we didn’t get to see her have her own season- I know she deserved it- but what we did get to see of her was so so wonderful, and that’s all because of you and your incredible talent. Vilde could definitely be problematic, but you couldn’t help but love her. Despite her ignorance’s, she really did mean well and she seemed like a lovely person to have in your life and a great friend. You really brought her to life and I’m so glad I got to be here for this! I cannot wait to see what you do next- whatever it is I know you’ll do such an amazing job at it! ❤

To Lisa, the amazing, beautiful girl who started it all. Our very first ever main character of Skam! When I discovered this show and then went back to watch season 1, I fell in love with it in an instant. I loved everything about Eva’s season and I think it was a brilliant start to a brilliant show. Eva is one of my favorite characters on the show, I absolutely love her. At first, she was very shy and insecure, but as time progressed you could see her coming out of her shell and really finding out who she was and I think you managed to capture all of this so well. You can truly see the difference in her, can see her character development and her growth and that’s so impressive! Eva is so fun-loving and sweet and I absolutely adore her. I loved her friendship with Isak and I’m so happy that Jonas and Eva were endgame because I love them together. You are such an amazing actress and I’m so glad you got cast in this show! I’m going to miss you and Eva so so much but I know both will go on to do wonderful things! I love you! ❤

To Ina, what a fun-loving, big-hearted, beautiful spirit! It is truly a travesty that we didn’t get to see more of Chris, I loved her so much. She was always so funny and always put a smile on my face every time I saw her. Chris was such an underrated character and she totally is one of my favorites! You did such a good job as Chris, I love everything about her and everything about how you portrayed her. My absolute favorite Chris clip was the solo one she got in the last week of Skam. We got to see a different side of her, and it really made me feel for her. Her insecurity about her friendships, the “am I good enough?” feeling is so relatable. Her talk with Dr. Skrulle and the smile that she gets at the end and then how she goes out and sends everybody such sweet messages, I fell in love with her all over again! Chris Berg is the purest soul! She is really an amazing friend and I would love to have her as one of my friends! You really did a wonderful job playing Chris, Ina! I’m going to miss the both of you immensely! And of course, you will do such amazing things in your future! I love you! ❤

To Josefine, Noora is one of the first characters I fell in love with! I absolutely loved her strong, independent vibe in season 1. She was such an empowering character, and she stands up for such amazing things, and has such solid, good beliefs. I wasn’t the biggest fan of her relationship with William, but I knew that Noora’s a strong girl and would be able to take care of herself, something she proved time and time again. Not only is she strong, but she is also one hell of a friend. She stands up for her friends, she helps her friends through tough times, she’s loyal. Josefine, you portrayed Noora so fantastically, there is no one who could have done it better. Listening to your voice is always fun, I think your voice is just so nice to listen to. You always seem to have a smile on your face as well, which I love. Also, you’re absolutely stunning in every way possible. You made watching Noora so enjoyable and I’m going to miss you as Noora! You’re going to do wonderful things in the future and whatever project you work on next is going to be so lucky to have you! I love you, Josefine! ❤

To Marlon, the eyebrow king of the world. Okay, I actually love you so much it’s crazy. Both you and Jonas are so likeable and I just want to be both of your best friends! From the first episode in season 1 I fell in love with Jonas. He’s such a strong character, so opinionated (in the good way!) and wise, and just so genuinely cool, like, god I really do just want to be his best friend. I love how season 1 opened with Jonas’s anti-capitalism speech and I love how season 4 ends with Jonas giving a speech again, it really feels full circle. Marlon, your acting as Jonas was spectacular and I enjoyed every second of it! Jonas was such a loyal friend and when he loves someone, you can really see it and you managed to capture all of that so so well! I especially enjoyed the wide mouthed laugh thing you do in the episode where Isak texts Even to figure his shit out after Isak announces that Even is at his door is my actual favorite thing ever, it’s absolutely precious, and your little “ahh” in the first episode of season 4 is also just great. I wish we would’ve seen more Jonas in season 4, he’s such a great character- I wish he would have had his own season as well, I think that would have been so cool to get to see things through Jonas’s perspective! But Jonas is such a good friend to Isak, so supportive and chill and the scene where Isak comes out to Jonas is by far one of my favorite Jonas scenes. You are truly such a talented guy and you seem like such a cool dude as well. Like I said before, I would love to have you as a best friend, Marlon! I especially enjoy how you would draw stick figure Isak and Even in the places of your home that they used during filming and I also loved the lowkey shade you would throw about your character and whatnot with all of the Instagram posts you liked. Thank you for everything you’ve done with Jonas, he was one of my favorites! I’m sad to see Jonas go, but I know this won’t be the last we see of Marlon! I can’t wait to see what adventures you go on next! Marlon Langeland, I love you so much! ❤

To David, oh my god I love you I love you I love you! Magnus was one of my absolute favorites! He was insanely funny and boy squad always gave him so much shit and teased him a ton (all of it lovingly of course!). He definitely had some moments where I would facepalm and be like oh my god Magnus why? but he always came back from those and he always meant well! I wish we got to see even more Magnus he was a true gem and such a pure soul (despite his dirty mind and desperate need to get laid haha). You truly brought Magnus to life, David, and I am so happy that you were the one to play him! You hit the nail on the head and portrayed his slightly cluelessness and desperation perfectly. He may have been somewhat ignorant at times, but hey he learned from his mistakes and like I said before, he totally meant well! David, I just want to give you the biggest hug, especially after watching Magnus hug Even so many times- those hugs always looked so good and cozy! Magnus’s obsession with Even is actually the purest thing in the world and I adore it so much. He definitely looks up to Even and the way he treats Even just makes me love him that much more. I really really loved the scene where Magnus talks to Isak about Even and bipolar disorder and shares about his experience with it via his mom. That scene showed a different side to Magnus and made me fall in love with him even more because he really loves everyone with his whole heart and sees the good in everyone. David, you are truly talented and I can’t wait to see what’s next in store for you! I think one of my favorite things about you is your laugh as well. It’s so bright and it never fails to make me smile and laugh right along. I feel like you would be such an amazing friend, you seem like the nicest soul ever! I love you with all my heart! ❤

To Sacha, you are a gift to us all! I’m really sad that we don’t get to see much of Mahdi onscreen and that he doesn’t have more speaking lines, but what we do see of him he is truly wonderful! He seems like a solid friend, always seems to have good advice, is totally loyal, incredibly pure, has amazing values, and his love for waffles rivals Leslie Knope’s! The advice Mahdi gives Isak is wonderful, and I really liked how open-minded Mahdi is. In the scene where Isak comes out to Magnus and Mahdi, I love everything about Mahdi in it. He isn’t holding a grudge towards Isak about Isak shoving him, he’s completely chill about it. He gets offended when Magnus thinks it’s funny that people thought he and Isak fought because he’s homophobic (which he makes very clear is not the case!). He suggests that maybe Isak and Even are pansexual. Everything about that scene, I love. You portrayed Mahdi as such a ball of sunshine and as such a great friend and I love everything about him! You’re incredibly talented and I hope to see more of you in the future! I love you! ❤

To Carl, the one and only guru angel. Carl, Eskild was such a fun character because of you! Everything about Eskild, I loved. He was so supportive and so sweet and so energetic and uplifitng and funny and just an all around angel. He was very much like a father figure to Isak and every time I think about how he found Isak all alone, drunk off his ass at some gay bar and how he decided to help him and take him in and all of the support he’s given Isak and how he’s constantly there and in Isak’s corner ready to give him advice or make him smile again, gah it just makes me so emotional! Eskild is a gift to this world and so are you Carl! Your portrayal of Eskild was absolutely amazing! You really brought him to life and made him fun and vivacious and loveable! His numerous nicknames for Isak, his constant support for everyone close to him, his perky personality, all of it was so wonderful because of you! There are so many favorite Eskild moments I have, but I especially enjoyed the speech Eskild gives Isak when he makes the ignorant comment and puts himself above gay pride- you did an amazing job with that scene, the emotion you have while giving that little speech is so raw and it’s so moving. Another one of my all time favorites is the Eskild and Linn clip from season 4 that we just got! That scene legitimately made me cry. Eskild is such a good person and such a great friend and he loves with his whole heart. To see him reassure Linn that they will always have each other made me so emotional. Carl, you are so talented and I cannot thank you enough for your portrayal of Eskild. I love you and I can’t wait to see what you will do next! ❤

To Rakel, a beautiful warrior-princess. You did an absolutely outstanding job at playing Linn. I wish Linn had more screen time, I would have loved to see more of her, especially more of an interaction between her and Even. I feel like they would have gotten along swimmingly and would have been fast friends. Even could have even helped Linn out with her depression maybe, and they could have talked about a lot of deep stuff together. Linn was totally relatable in some ways and I really liked her. You’re incredibly talented and absolutely beautiful inside and out! I can’t wait to see what you’ll do next, I’m sure it will be wonderful! I love you Rakel!❤

To Cengiz, to Yousef, to Simo, to Adam, to Mutta, the balloon boys, the sweetest, purest souls. All of you were so amazing in your respective roles! I wish we would have been able to see more of you guys, and I definitely wish we could have learned more about the balloon boys’s relationship with Even and both how it fell apart as well as how it was repaired. All of you boys seem like such lovely people and are all insanely talented. Cengiz- you were a wonderful Yousef, he was so sweet and such a down-to-earth cutie pie, I loved him with all my heart, just like I love you! Yousef- Mikael was such a sweetheart and I always loved seeing your smile onscreen, it’s absolutely precious! I wish Mikael had a bigger role in this, he seemed like such an interesting character! Simo- Elias Bakkoush was the best big brother in the world. He was so protective of his sister, but in such a good way. Him saying that Yousef would be good for Sana was so sweet and the fact that he genuinely was disappointed when the other boys said Yousef was with Noora. I would’ve loved to see more of him as well! Adam- I would have loved to see more of you and hear you more as well! Adam seemed so fun! Mutta- The same goes for you, it would have been lovely to have you in the show more! ❤

To Herman, to Thomas, you both did amazing in this show! Herman, your portrayal of Perpetrator Chris was funny and you did a really good job at playing a fuck boy, haha. Minus his fuck boy attitude and his playboy “I can do whatever and whoever I want” mentality and his cheating tenancies, I think Chris was a good person, or at least he seemed to be shaping up to be a decent person towards the end. Thomas, I didn’t really like William at all, but you did a really good job with his character. You got the fuck boy attitude down as well, and the onscreen time between William and Noora was sweet at certain times. ❤

To Theresa, to Cecilie, to Kristina, to Ruby, you all had the more “villainous” roles, but in reality you all seem like absolutely sweethearts! You all played your roles exceptionally well and I give you all the kudos for that, those roles always seem hard. I can’t wait to see what each of you will do, I know it’ll all be great! You all are so talented and will go far in life! ❤

To whoever was in charge of picking the music, I just want to give you the biggest kudos in the entire universe. The music of Skam was so so amazing, especially in season 3. God, season 3′s music was the best. Every single song fit the moment perfectly and I will truly never get over that! I’ve found so many new songs and artists because of this show and for that I will forever be grateful! Music is such a big part of my life and getting the opportunity to discover new sounds made me so happy! ❤

To all of the friends I’ve made through Skam, I love you all so so much and I am so glad that we were brought together! It’s been amazing to get to know you guys and I only wish that we don’t stop talking because the show is over! ❤

To all of the incredible fic writers and fanart creators… @shadeandadidas @westiris @bechnaesun @noenoaholi @dahlstrom @isisisak @jydoodles @isaksredscarf @danielhowell @elli-skam @miranhas-art @ravenclawisak @stardefiant @leoniejulie (I know there are many more so if I didn’t tag, don’t worry, it’s just because I’m drawing a blank because there are so many!)… you guys are absolutely amazing! I appreciate all of the time and effort you take to create these masterpieces, these incredible works of art. You all have so much talent and I hope that you all will stick around and keep writing/drawing for this amazing fandom! ❤

Skam, it has been a real pleasure. 😚👏✌

Tusen takk og jeg elsker deg i alle universer! ❤❤❤

[swanismycaptain]

Um I don't want the girl squad to 'forgive' Sana. Like she literally exposed Sara shit taking not only her own friends but Sana AND Vilde and they have more of a problem with Sana then they do Sara. And they didn't even hear her our or ask her what drove her to do that??? Like??? they don't deserve sanasol and they should be the ones begging for her forgiveness for being such shitty friends

[omgiloveyouthismuch]

Before you all jump to conclusions saying I hate Evak or whatever, I really don't I love the fact that they concentrated on a homosexual couple for a whole season it just shows how times are changing for the better... BUT It kinda makes me sad how literally all of the recent top liked posts are just Evak related and you have to scroll really far down to get to any Sana related posts.. It just highlights how under appreciated her season has been.. like now it's just been highjacked by Evak by just one clip. I want my sweet Sanasol to be noticed. It is her season after all.

[artfuhly]

Good but we saw magnus already and... haha. I refuses to lose hope. What I still do not understand, is why sana does not appear. What I think is that on Saturday we will get clip without pov? Or Sana pov? what you think? Since it is the link that unites them

its weird isnt it?? magnus was in 2 clips already (well he wasnt physically in vilde’s but he was pretty much there i feel) but yea

its so stupid sana literally disappeared??? like wtf??? I MISS MY DAUGHTER SANASOL SO MUCH OADJdJAODAS. it better be sana’s pov again or i will riot i dont accept anything else (lmao i kinda think it wont be necessarily from anyone’s pov? but yikessss)

[milkaleksandr]

isak can’t take it anymore. he’s weary of seeing sana like that. they barely talked lately. so isak this day arrives in the classroom and sana is already there studying. so he reaches their desk and takes a sit. “sana” starts isak “we need to talk and figure this out because this can’t go on, this can’t be like this”. he misses her so much, he misses her friend, the one he used to confront with, that sana who educated him in some situations, he misses fighting with her on which is the correct answer, he misses saying “listen to me sanasol, you’ll get a four if you don’t listen to me!!”, he misses his biology buddy. “sana, i don’t know what’s going on, we’re barely talking since that mess at syng happened, you’re avoiding me and you’re avoiding we working together, i- i really don’t know what’s happening but let me help you if i can, because i want to help you. i’m your friend. we’re friends, you know i miss when you contradict me, when we’re not agreeing on some argument, when we gave our opinions trying to reach a common point. you told me "you’re alone”, well, you know what? this could sound like a fuckin cliché or very banal but as long as people care about each other, care about you, you’re not alone, no one is alone. as long as people out there think about how you could probably feel, you’re not alone. you’re not alone sana, i’m here whenever you needed a friend.“ sana is literally impressed by this and can’t say a word. isak notices that and just feels he has to embrace her. a warm, long hug. and while embracing, sana whispers "thank you, isak”.

[horrorsummerromance]

for science, favorite hijab color? and what colors do you want to see sana wear before the season ends bc the yellow one was perfect and as much as i love black i need literal sun sanasol back 💚💚💚

Hiiii, my love!!!My fave hijaab colour is marooney/deep purple, or dark browns. But that's bc they suit my complexion. I'd love to see Sana in pastel colours. Peach, nudes, rose gold.

[evenforisak]

So I got sick last night so I'm literally lying in the fetal position writing this. My entire body aches but seeing Sana get those hate messages hurts SO MUCH MORE WTFFFF. NO NO NO. That's not even an exaggeration. That shit is real...how and why are some people like that. Leave my Sanasol alone you heartless bastards.

[bangzchan]

I'm so excited, today is the day! I'm so giddy like I wanna see Sanasol right NOW, I wanna see her on one of those hoverboards again and I want her to wear dark lipstick and I want to see her yellow hijab again and I want her to have heart-to-hearts with Even preferably and oh my god. so curious to see where they're gonna go with her storyline, I literally can't wait. Think the last time I've been this impatient was back when Even had his manic episode and nobody knew how he was doing. ☀️

i knowwww!!! i wanna see her texts!! or if she posts something on insta!!!! her family situation!!! just !!everything!!!!! i forgot how nerve wracking this is

[thelovelylights]

I've seen literally no one blame Noora more than Vilde.

Anyways Sanasol deserves better.

[girlslovefeminists]

Thanks for the tag @skamthough!! I’m terrible at picking favourites but I’ll try my best 💛

favourite squad:
girl squad 4eva

favourite character:
they’re literally all perfect

least favourite character:
wilhelm and his shitty brother

most good-looking character:
they are all blessed with excellent genes but objectively I’d say even and noora

character you’d like to kiss: noora, eva and vilde

character you’d like to cuddle with:
sanasol

character you’d like to have as a best friend:
even would just be so good to talk to

character you’d like to live with:
eskild for some fun and sana for some order

character you’d take with you on a deserted island:
eva would literally build a boat and we’d be home in a jiff

character you’d have tickling contests with:
jonasssssss

character you resemble the most:
isak and vilde are the most relatable to me

favourite friendship:
isak and jonas

favourite romantic pairing:
even and isak, no question

NOTP:
vilde and males

favourite haircut/hairstyle:
isaks prince hair and noora circa season 2

favourite outfit:
nooras yellow top/suspenders combo, goddam

favourite location: kollektivet


favourite season:
gotta be season 3

least favourite season:
season 2. I loved most of it and nooras an angel but williams a dick

favourite episode: I’m picking one from each season; 1x10 (girls supporting girls), 2x04 (CABIN) , 3x10 (gays got a happy ending when does this happen ever) , season 4 tbc


favourite scene/clip: O Helga Natt (rip me)


favourite quote: “girls who call other girls sluts have 90% more chance of getting chlamydia” and “I’m not gay. Okay then, maybe I’m a little gay”


moment(s) that made you cry: the end of 3x08 had me in the fetal position. In 2x10 when Noora tells the girls she might have been raped and they take her to the clinic like it gives me chills just how real, honest and intimate it is.


moment(s) that made you laugh: Sana recounting with the girls about the guy asking to sit on her face and she asked if their nose was bigger than their dick; The crazy fucking nurse; Noora taking down William in season 1; Isak kicking the boys out of the apartment cuz extra even just turned up; Magnus fangirling over even; chris bergs spoon; ‘my hijab will protect us’

I tag @unicorndust , @insert-starwars-reference , @ebechnsheim , @isxkvaltersen , @happilyevak , @kroppendintrengerpotet (I don’t know all of you but I love your blogs🌟)

[sanaandthesun]

Hey! I read your tags on the post I made with the girls names and flowers (yeah I'm that person lol), and when I was looking for flowers that would fit the girls Sana was the one where I didn't even have to think for a second what would be best because she is the literal sun. So anyway yeah, glad you liked it!

Ah they are beautiful!! and yes Sana is Sanasol after all ;) (and that time she wore the yellow hijab, so beautiful). I also really like your pick of rose for Vilde, maybe because there are wild roses and she wears pink a lot:))) thanks for writing me about this btw aaagh (here is the post for anyone who missed)