#Lemme jus edit some tenses

[tottymatsuno]

Who You Actually Are (Osomatsu-san: Karamatsu x Reader)

Chapter 2:

Dissociation

Author: Roro (halfeviltotty)

Fandom: Osomatsu-san

Pairing: Karamatsu x reader

Category: hurt/comfort, character study, trauma fic

Rating: gen

Summary: A fractured sense of identity watching all at once.

Word count: 1700 or so

Warnings: blood warning, injuries, DID, mental illness, vague mentions of trauma

Commentary: karamatsu is really goin thru it huh EDITS IN FUNNIE KARAMATSU PICTURE BC THATS HOW IM ROLLING FROM NOW ON

| Oneshots | All Fics | Multichapter Fics | Entire Series>| Karamatsu Fics |

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| Choromatsu Part 1 | Choromatsu Part 2 |

With crystal clear eyes you saw right through Karamatsu with a question instead of introduction. You plucked out a single rose and the red contrast against your skin was breathtaking. "Who are you supposed to be?" You twirled it with such a graceful flair and avoided hurting yourself in its thorns.

It caught Karamatsu off guard, why would you ask that. Your tone was neither cold nor overly warm, not much affection or derision. Just a simple question with your head tilted with those analytical eyes taking in each motion and expression that crosses Karamatsu's face.

Your genuine curiosity frightened him, as if you without a doubt thought he must be acting.

"W-who am I? Heh! Well my beautiful Karamatsu flower, I am your destiny! I am Matsuno Karamatsu, the 2nd brother, handsome, suave, a lone wolf who walks a shadowy path for redemption! Ah, my Karamatsu lover, do not get too close for this wolf will have no choice but to bare his fangs into your slender neck. I've got my eyes on my prey, and darling I won't let you go once you're in my Karamatsu clutch."

Karamatsu posed dramatically with each sentence and you just watched. When he was through speaking you clapped.

"Not bad, not bad at all." Karamatsu blinked at your response, "I can see your passion for this character Karamatsu, and your method acting is pretty good albeit a little rough around the edges. Which troupe are you with? I wouldn't mind work-shopping some dialogue with you. You wanna do a quick improv right now since we're both here?"

"You're pretty handsome so I'm sure you're popular in your troupe, but when we're done improvising let me take a couple head shots of you. I know the director of a local theater who has the perfect role for someone like you if you're not married to the Karamatsu persona. "

You smiled at him and Karamatsu suddenly felt embarrassed, you're so pretty. Beautiful even, to the point where Karamatsu lowered the bouquet of roses with his head cast downwards. He didn't even care that you said he was handsome. It did literally nothing for his ego in that moment, but did prove to him that Karamatsu doesn't know himself. He has never felt handsome once before in his life and had only been called that word by his mother.

It'd been a long week.

"I can't do this right now." Karamatsu said painfully with his voice so dried that it sounded very unlike him, far away and much weaker than Karamatsu could ever utter. How many times is this going to happen to him? Today wasn't the day Karamatsu wanted to confront these emotions especially not in front of a woman but the words overflow without consent as suddenly the world shifts into third person.

"Why doesn't anyone take me seriously? I try so hard to be myself and I get asked 'who are you trying to impress, Karamatsu-niisan?' 'why are you wearing that, Karamatsu-niisan?' 'can you do this for me, and that, I need your help Karamatsu-niisan!' 'it's embarrassing to be seen with you, Karamatsu-niisan!' day in and day out. Now strangers are asking me who I'm supposed to be?"

Karamatsu watched himself shout with such pity, Karamatsu in his old uniform on-looked while shielding the ten year old's eyes. All of himselves surrounded with unblinking stares forward and Karamatsu felt ashamed.

"Why can't I just be who I said I am? Why does everyone have to ask me why? Does it matter?! The answer is even I don't know! Who the hell even is Matsuno Karamatsu if I'm not him?! If I can't be him then who am I!"

Karamatsu felt the thorns from the bouquet pressed tightly against the thin wrapping of the paper. His hands shook violently.

All at once like he had been grounded midair, Karamatsu felt your hands wrap around the bouquet. There was blood dripping from a few puncture wounds. You stared down at him with genuine concern, horrified at the display. But your hands were soft and gentle.

"I think I made a mistake, Karamatsu-san. I'm very sorry for hurting your feelings like this."

The bouquet is slowly pulled out of his injured hands and Karamatsu can't help but to reach out to you. You should shy away, Karamatsu thinks once he has the ability to form his own thoughts.

"It's bleeding, don't let me touch you." His words didn't match his actions, you watched him with those analytical eyes and leaned forward. When Karamatsu's hands cupped your face he saw a bit of blood smeared on your chin.

You were worried for him and not afraid of him even in the slightest.

"It's going to be okay, Karamatsu-san. I'll take care of this." Karamatsu is then led to a store, his hands bandaged by someone who took delicate care not to hurt him. You listened when Karamatsu spoke and you took his words at face value.

Hey...

Stop being so nice. The older child inside of Karamatsu pleads pathetically, I'll get the wrong idea if you're this nice. You haven't wiped your face yet, why not? You're supposed to avoid touching other people's blood, aren't you afraid? Don't you know my blood could make you sick? Your hands are so warm, stop touching mine. I'm scared.

Karamatsu was led to a bench on a busy street by his fingertips, so loud that it was almost impossible to ignore the sounds. A sea of people walk by, why are you holding my hand? Asked the ten year old inside of Karamatsu. You should only hold hands when crossing the street, you should know that by now. Girls like this are stupid for not caring, the ten year old concludes.

You haven't stopped talking, your voice carried on the wind's currents and the overcast late afternoon turned into a dark twilight.

Karamatsu finally listened.

"Karamatsu-san, that isn't a red shirt. It's a brown suit." He looked at you for a second and laughed, "Sorry, I didn't notice." There was someone laughing for him. Someone else was making his throat hum out a chuckle, someone who was pulling his muscles to form a smile, someone who's fingers in his cheeks. There has been someone responding for him, using his voice to carry on the conversation. Karamatsu consciously took the reigns back as subtly as ever, making sure you didn't notice the mask being transferred to another facet of himself.

"You don't have to try so hard, Karamatsu-san. Or at least not with me after this." With those words you stood up, dusted your pants off and grinned at him.

"I'll see you again, right?" Karamatsu just nodded once more in a daze.

And you did, you sought him out with those curious eyes. You taught him some acting methods Karamatsu found out years later were coping skills.

"I always wanted to be an actor, my Karamatsu girl!" Karamatsu told you and then it was.

You took candids of him and introduced him to your theater, with the first greeting out your mouth was, "I'm this guy's biggest Karamatsu fan! Please give a warm welcome to Karamatsu-san!"

At first he thought your kindness was pity, then he thought maybe you simply were just kind. Then Karamatsu noticed something about you too, that faraway stare. A rapidly shifting personality, moments of complete catatonic silence that seemed to strangle you mentally. Like you were watching things in third person too and were fighting to get back in control.

"Who are you?" Karamatsu asked you once while your hair laid across the bathroom floor, he only asked because you couldn't stop muttering "I can't tell if I'm not me."

Twenty minutes later you seemed back to normal, the tears wiped away, the episode quietly ended like it began and you were shocked to see your head. "Who did this?"

Karamatsu witnessed your surprise each time you saw your reflection, like you were meeting an overly familiar stranger each time. The subtle wide eye gasp, if he hadn't studied you so closely Karamatsu wouldn't have ever noticed. When you recognized not yourself or a representation of yourself in the mirror but a friend from long ago you would smile. Like you were smiling at someone you accidentally made eye contact with from across the room instead of your own face.

Karamatsu helped ground you just as much as you did for him. You taught him the skills for himself and when you needed him, Karamatsu would pluck you mid spiral and assist you safely to your senses because you needed it as well.

"I owe you so much, I'm not sure if this is okay to ask from you but will you go to the petting zoo with me. As a date?" Karamatsu extended the tickets out towards you which received him a strange look. You glanced down at his hand, and then to the other and then to your own.

You finished your cotton candy quickly, "Karappii? Why are you confessing?" You lifted your hand held in Karamatsu's own. "Isn't this our three month anniversary?"

"C-can I kiss you then?!" And you kissed him while waiting for your turn on the ferris wheel. Then again on the ferris wheel itself, then on the ride home, and then at home.

You helped him a lot. With every small indicator of something vastly unwell, a detachment from Karamatsu's own feelings you asked him to challenge that notion. His bravado slowly stopped peacocking and became true confidence, Karamatsu found himself understanding his thoughts better.

In return Karamatsu assisted with what he learned was dissociation, it was funny since the symptoms sounded familiar. Karamatsu had to adapt, not adjust. All at once he felt responsible for someone else's well being, roses can't fix things that are broken. Neither within himself or you.

You tried to manage him in his moments of forgetfulness, "Karamatsu isn't it Thursday?" therapy day. Karamatsu did the same for you. Two broken people trying to rearrange their image based off of what the other sees. "Have I always looked this way?" You asked with that clarity gone. "Yes, you've always been this beautiful."

"Is this okay? Am I still Karamatsu if I feel like this?" Karamatsu asked in one of many moments of vulnerability. Kintsugi, Karamatsu feels like kintsugi when handled by you.

"I think I fell for you that day we met, at first I really thought you were acting. But I realized you did exactly what you said you would. Once I was in your clutch, I knew I would never escape." You looked stunning two years later in your white dress.

On his wedding night, Karamatsu never cried so hard before. The ceremony ended and all at once it was just Karamatsu and you in the hotel room.

"You saved me that day, Karappii. I was planning doing something I couldn't come back from and there you were. I love you, my Karamatsu angel."

Four versions of Karamatsu have seemed to melded together at this point after all if he knows one truth about himself it's that Karamatsu is in love with you.

[sly-merlin]

killing me- 9

pairing : law student!reader + yuta

genre :    angst , mafia au/ arranged marriage au , smut

warnings of this chapter : smut, drinking ,mention of weapons

words :: 7k

summary : “life’s never fair y/n. realise it as soon as you can . it is the only secret for living a regretless life.”                                  

or              

                    “  curiousity got the cat hitched”

taglist :: (not tagging the old ones because they have read it already bt if u want , lemme know! )  @yiyi4657​ @sorrywonwoo​ @sillywinnergladiator​​ @suhweo​​ @exfolitae​ @minejungwoo​ @leesalts​  @mal-nakamoto23​ @ro2424​

@kafenetwork​​​​ @neowritingsnet​​​​

K.M masterlist

K.M 8  next

note:: unedited! i’m a bit busy so i’ll try to edit it before sleep!

“yuta.”

“bake up.”

Yuta groaned at the foreign force shaking him repeatedly. He moved, crashing his face further into the sheets, swatting the alien hands away from himself.

“wake up you horse!” this time yuta heard the gurgling voice a bit more clearly. Someone was trying to disturb his sleep. Staying on his stomach and titling his half body to face the uninvited guest, he made out a face that matched johnnys. His face fell flat on the mattress again until he realised what or whom he has seen! He jolted upright, squatting, to face johnny.

“what are you doing here.” He mumbled with eyes still closed, stretching his arms on the sheets.

“it’s 1p.m!why you still sleeping dude?” johnny’s exasperated voice sounded too loud to yuta’s morning self. Or afternoon!

“It’s m-” a long yawn stretched his mouth into an oval shape, that he didn’t mind covering “its my house. I’ll do whatever I want but what are you even doing here?” he completed quietly.

“why are you still sleeping. You weren’t even drunk. Get up and tell me where is y/n!”

“so you are not here for me!” yuta pouted at johnny before throwing himself on the bed again, covering himself with sheets.

“what the fuck yuta! You are not a baby and tell me where is she? Did you even drive her back?” johnny asked sternly, removing his layer of protection.

“the only thing I can assure is that I wanna sleep more. And about your big fat crush! She certainly came back with me but she was crying so I won’t be surprised if she left already.” As soon as yuta’s almost inaudible words reached johnny’s ears, he jogged outside the room, checking the lock of your room. He sighed in relief at the secured lock. You didn’t leave and he was glad.

Johnny noticed your movements when you signed those papers. He was cursing at himself for not interfering but not like it’d have made any difference! The best he could do was to make sure you were fine at the end. Regardless of the fact that your phone was switched off, he was trying it continuously since yesterday night. Countless phone calls and messages but all were futile. His anger on taeyong was just fuelling by your ignorance.

Annoyingly, he fisted his hair before going for yuta’s room again.

“is she in university right now?” he asked yuta, who was looking like a dead body with an open mouth.

“bloody hell nakamoto! Wake up!” he shouted at him, this time the sheets were tossed on the floor.

“johnny babes, just track her. Don’t shout at me. I didn’t do anything this time.”

“you seriously ate your ethics yuta. I’m not needed there so I’m staying until she’s back.” Johnny declared, making his way outside on the couches.

“not needed my ass john suh. Ate my ethics! Says the one who’s seducing his own sister-in-law.” He only muttered before drifting back into paradise.

johnny just sat there in front of the t.v, mindlessly waiting for you, unknown guilt corroding his mind and heart.

***************

Doyeon and mingi’s whispering felt like a hammer to your head. The incessant pounding was the result of some expensive alcohol and the stupid tears. If exams were not approaching in two weeks, you’d have stayed longer to sulk but their future was as important as yours and only one more week was left so you just sucked it up. Now you were eating the lunch brought by mingi while testing them for exam.

“civil laws suck.” Mingi exclaimed, hitting doyeon on the arm.

“no! your brain sucks.” Doyeon reiterated, poking his head with her pencil.

“wtf doyie! My brain is totally packed up to the brim. if you love it so much, then tell me the answer of question 6!” a smug smile made its way to mingi’s lips.

“what’s wrong with no.6 mingi?” you questioned, perplexed as there was no difficulty in the paper yet he was still looking here and there.

“umm. Non bis in idem! It’s not given anywhere. Right?” he hesitantly asked for he knew he was wrong, somewhere.

“what was the paper you wrote last time?” you tried not to unleash your anger on them, so you kept your voice as low as possible.

“double jeopardy!”

“and?”

“and?”

“what the heck mingi! Didn’t you mention the legal maxim of dj?”

“maybe not!”

“what kind of law student forgets about legal maxims duffus! Non bis in idem means double jeopardy.” You reprimanded him tiredly, not in the mood to put up much fight with him.

“sorry” he said, head hung low.

“don’t be mingi. I won’t gain anything from this. you need to study for yourself. now complete this before I give you a subjective test. Double prep is always good. Hurry up!”

A collective musical groan leaves them both, as they tend to their paper again, you drowning yourself in your own books.

*******************

Johnny and yuta were engrossed in a football match when you entered the hallway. Upon noticing you, johnny sighed in disbelief, before making his way to you.

“why is your phone switched off?” he fumed at you, hands on his waist as you poured water for yourself.

“It wasn’t charged so I left it here.” he knew he wasn’t doing his utmost in containing his irritation and your casual tone just took him off guard.

“you jus- you should have charged it dammit. I was fucking worried that something happened to you and what kind of girl travels without a phone these days!” his hand ruined his already messy hair as he ranted, the reason of which was beyond your understanding.

“it’s not that big of an issue besides I’m not clearly out of reach right!” you scoffed at him, pointing to your arm where the bracelet was hidden, under the sleeves. You didn’t mean to sound rude at his concern but his position was no better .You had every right to be querulous!

“i-you don’t understand. i just wanted a reply from you. it’s the least I deserve! Or don’t i?” his voice went down as his face lost the previous stern expression.

“I saw my phone only this morning and I was getting late so didn’t bother!” you shrugged your shoulders at him, making your way for the room.

“where are you going?” his voice rose a bit as he held onto your arm.

“in my room!” you replied, matter of factly.

“yeah! I thought you were going to greet your dear husband!” he joked, tilting his head towards the couches where yuta sat previously but he was not there anymore.

“I don’t wanna talk johnny!” you said curtly, jerking your hand away. But he was quicker as he pulled you into him, backing you into a counter.

“just leav-

“no tell me what’s the matter with you. what have I even done?” his voice was barely above a whisper, meant only to be heard by you. the rise and fall in his speech was already shaking your resolution.

“nothing! just turned a normal student into a deadly underground member. But it’s nothing big so yeah!” you replied, mock evident in your words. As you tried to leave again, his hands caught your waist as he picked you up, stationing you on the counter. He secured you against his body, restricting your movements. His hard orbs found yours as he hands tightened around your waist, making you gulp in the process. You stared back with same intensity, as if reading his next step. He lowered his front, demanding eyes never leaving yours,

“this is the first and last time I’ll be explaining myself. I don’t know a shit about why he did that. But those papers won’t be used against you. I won’t let that happen. Ever. I promise that with my life. Just have some faith in me” He whispered. Besides it being the precise validation you sought, suspicion couldn’t be helped!

“and why would you do that. Do you also have some hidden agen-

his lips felt soft as they collided with yours with urgent need to shut you up. You froze, so did he. The only movement in your control was of your hands that were tightly gripped to the counter. The silence in the air being tense, his lips stayed still and contrary to yours, his eyes were completely shut. Johnny’s light breaths fanned your upper lip as his chest heaved up and down. Neither of you made any effort to further it nor any to pull apart. Few more seconds passed and he finally detached himself, the bodies still connected. Your lashes fluttered as he palmed your left cheek, speaking in a low husky whisper.

“I promise. Just believe me and when I say taeyong won’t hurt you, I mean it. With all my heart. Can you trust me on this please?”

He was insisting yet pleading and you merely nodded, lowering your head. His delicate fingers brushed the line formed between your brows, smiling softly.

“you have nothing to worry about. with unparalleled record that we have! You ain’t getting rid of me anytime soon. Yeah?”

His breathy laugh tingled your insides and something like awe transformed his face as he felt the warmness of your cheeks under his hand.

“by any chance, are you flustered?” your face went blank at his shameless comment when he was the very reason for your current state.

“n-no!” you pushed him hard while standing straight. He staggered a bit, giggling uncontrollably at you.

“lying suits you y/n. just like your soulmate jaehyun.” You scrunched your nose at the mention.

“don’t talk about him! He’s so annoying, i’m gonna hang him upside down someday o-or turn him into a stew!”

“and feed him to yuta!” he completed. You gawked at him for a moment before joining him in his laughing session.

“there is food?” yuta entered the kitchen, dimming the commotion.

“not for you!” you snarked.

“we have food y/n?” it was johnny this time. you had almost forgot about the sandwiches that were now probably rotting in your bag. As realisation dawned, you hurriedly retrieved your bag from counter, opening the plastics from the sandwiches with a last hope to save them.

“do you know that you don’t have to be ramsey to stuff cucumber and tomatoes in a bread?” johnny shifted, taking the packages to heat them up.

“I was out of bread. So I just took the easy route.”

“lame excuse! Work better!”

“not everyone got time john!”

You strolled for your room, passing yuta in the way, totally missing the frown and cute smile on yuta and johnny respectively. Though yuta’s internals were screaming at him to open his shitty mouth, his main focus was on his empty stomach that was growling like never before.

“pass me one john!” he whisper yelled to johnny, purposely stretching the last word to satisfy himself.

“no! it’s her lunch or snack or whatever it is.” He warned, hiding the oven with his front.

“oh so you have turned a part time servant for her!” he spewed, crossing his arms against his chest.

“no dude. She’s actual-

he was about to tell yuta but he halted his train of words for he was not in the place to tell any of your secrets to anyone , especially yuta.

“she’s what? Your girlfriend?”

“I swear I’m gonna fry you someday!”

“whatever. Now give me a sandwich before she comes out. Hurry up!” yuta looked over johnny’s shoulders to count the stacked portion in the device.

“one, two-

“three. They are just three yuta! Fuck off.” Johnny knew throwing abuses wouldn’t work but hitting him with his shoulder wasn’t either! He glanced at yuta and he seriously looked miserable. Hungry miserable!

“come on-

“are you done john?” your voice echoed from the hall as you approached wearing your famous tank top and cotton shorts. Yuta cursed under his breath, opening the fridge to get himself something.

“here” johnny handed you the plate. He hit yuta’s arm to grab his attention who was practically trying to sit in the fridge.

“renjun and jaemin are cooking their special ramyeon. We’ll eat there, come on!”

“huh!” he excitedly passed johnny to pick his things up.

With yuta out of sight, his focus shifted again on you. “don’t you get sick after eating takeouts?”

“yup I do! My gut is not the healthiest one in the world. But I’ve fewer options and I do check their health certificates so no need to worry.” Your humorous reply didn’t get more than a shit face from him. He leaned again causing you to take a step backwards.

“your hair!” He pointed and you rolled your eyes like you’d see what was happening up there.

“what my hair?”

“umm. Nothing kiddo!” he said before ruffling your hair.

“aah. I’m not a kid johnny!” you shouted at him though he was just standing by your shoulder.

“oh yes you are!” he pouted dramatically and ran but not forgetting to throw a flying kiss your way. “charge your phone, I’ll call again.”

“eww!” you snapped your head to catch yuta standing behind, making faces at johnny who was standing at the front of hallway.

“oh come on you shit.”

At johnny’s comment , yuta just followed and you totally missed the way he scoffed at both of you.

****************

You were truly jumbled by johnny’s actions, innocent yet calculated. You had maintained your calm but he was aware that you were not blind towards his growing attraction. why didn’t you push him away! What was he aiming at? Questions, questions! From the very first day, all you have are questions with no concrete answers.

But Johnny was not the sole occupier of your worries, taeyong held a significant part of it. If what johnny said was true, if his intentions were not so malafide then he’d easily have skipped it. Despite johnny’s assurance, you couldn’t afford trusting him anymore. Not like you could protect yourself from losing anything but your walls would always be enclosed for him.

Your wandering mind was pulled back into reality by a message from your classmate. The date of thesis topic submission was moved to an earlier one, a week earlier to be specific. In reality, you were all starting it a few months earlier just so the pressure could be minimised but it instead felt like a strategy for your doom. You all were supposed to submit the topic and a little introduction even before the qualification exam! And obviously you were behind the so called ahead-of-time schedule. You could have wrote a ph.d worthy book on mafia and their ploys but sadly criminal law was not the option available for it. So that’s how you ended up in the small balcony, sitting on the cold floor, enjoying the evening cool breeze. Search results on both naver and google had varied from “50 best topics of dissertation in international law” to “how to know what is my area of interest?” but every try had gone to a blank page.

************

By late evening, you got bored of sitting in the balcony and room, so you decided to study with a change of setting and the only place available apart from your room was the hall. After computing various possibilities, you dragged the single seater towards the hall windows and angling the book on the window still, a much comfy makeshift study space was ready. With the newfound determination to complete the task at hand, your eyes browsed every means of information to stumble upon anything you missed earlier, ignoring the blue skies switching to the darker ones.

***********

Yuta noticed the way he was experiencing more fatigue as the days passed by. He never trained this much until he was suspended. He looked forward for it to end so he could feel the same thrill again but two weeks wouldn’t just pass in a blink! He claimed the basement as his new home trying to ignore the activities transpiring upstairs. The desire to stay with his dear roommate jungwoo was irrepressible but his ego didn’t allow him to give in so easily. He wanted to show his anger to taeyong and that was the only reason he found himself coming back to the new home more often.

He languidly passed the kitchen to use the washroom. Only when he was about to enter his room, he noticed the lightening in the kitchen and living room. He groaned at the thought of your imprudent habit of multiplying the electricity bill which eventually he had to pay! Or maybe you were just trying to instigate him! When he was about to put out the lights, he spotted the sofa and a pair of legs perched on the widow still. He took light steps to reach your sleeping figure and suddenly he felt his annoyance melting into astonishment. Your face was covered with the open, visibly heavy hardcover book whilst your half body was on the seat and half in the air with feet placed on the window still for balance that was clearly very very comfortable place for napping at midnight. unconsciously, his hand extended for the book and as he picked it up, you stirred. Panic took over him as he lost the hold leading the book to fell on your face instead. He ducked, cupping his mouth with both hands to stifle the laugh that was about to escape. Luckily you were dead to the world. Hearing no movement, he crawled for the room , getting up only when he was at a safe distance. Without wasting another moment, he did what he was there for in the first place and went to sleep, with a thumping heart that was probably due to the initial dread he felt or that’s what he thought!

**********

The bus stop being far away, you began the long trudge for neos’ house. Taeil had requested your presence two days ago , but being too busy with studying on the first few days of the week ,it was delayed. You’d have never accepted the offer if it was taeyong but taeil suggested you to take your time even though what he wanted to ask or said was important. His readiness to prioritise your convenience warmed you and it were the emotions of the moment that you agreed to him. And now the heat was burning your exposed legs and you were cursing his sweet tongue.

You knocked on the opened door to announce your arrival despite the fact that the main door had automatically detected you to lead you in. you stood there like a statue, moving your neck like an owl, waiting for an invitation but nothing. you banged it again only to hear someone’s cursing from inside.

“who the fuck knocks when it’s op-

A screeched scream met your ears as a man came into your sight. He abruptly started bowing, apologising profusely.

“I’m so sorry noona. I didn’t mean to! I’m sorry. This won’t happen again. I-

“hey, it’s totally fine. I didn’t even hear you in the first place.” You lied, saving him the mortification.

“can I come in?”

“this is your own place. You don’t need to ask or knock noona!” you entered as he gestured you to sit.

“can you call tae-

But before you could say it, he ran inside. You didn’t know or remembered his name but his face looked familiar. Maybe he was sicheng or hyuck or someone else cause you were sure you had met hyuck before!

“I was making coffee for taeil hyung. But he’s late so it’s yours now!” he exclaimed with his eye smile. it was cute and friendly.

“what was your name again?” you asked smiling back at him, noticing the little red on his neck.

“jeno.” He immediately settled on a seat, his focus fixed on you. “I’m making snacks. Do you wanna join?”

You chuckled at his innocent suggestion, “If you meant joining for eating, then I’m all in but if you want my help in actual process, then you’d die hungry today!”

“I’m aware of that but you are never late to learn anything right!”

“wow. Your enthusiasm is admirable but I don’t wanna burn your kitchen.” Your eyes were blessed with another series of his eye smile. it was contagious.

“you are here!” you saw taeil sprinting towards you.

“I’m sorry. I got caught up in the office.” His words came out breathy as he was still panting from the jog.

“no worries but I don’t have much time. I have to study for exams.”

“yes, studying is important.” He nodded before requesting jeno to get him the coffee and water, to which the boy grumpily complied.

“why the fuck is air con off! I’m gonna roast!” He whined and got up again to close the front door.

“now. I’ve two things to tell you or rather order you. you wanna eat first orr-

“no I’m fine really. Just tell me what taeyong ordered this time!” you had no doubt that it was taeyong’s doing.

“forget about that shit. Here, veto power is mine. JENO, STOP MELTING THE ICE AND GIVE ME SOME WATER!” he screamed at jeno who came out hurriedly with both water and coffee.

Jeno took a seat beside taeil but his one glare made him go back. Sighing in relief after quenching his thirst, he continued in a polite voice. “yuta told me about the card. Why didn’t you take it?”

“because I don’t want his money. I’m good with what I have. Besides every transaction related to him would lead me in trouble so why take the risk!” you sounded harsher than you intended but it wasn’t in your control anymore. Mention yuta and you’ll obviously bite!

“the account is already open. Yuta’s gonna transfer same amount of money every month so why don’t spend his money or better, give him a heart attack by paying everything with the card. He’s gonna pay and I promise, he has no say in this so he won’t even scold you!” he sounded quite cheerful which clearly indicated that none of them understood your language.

“no thanks taeil. staying away from his shadow is much safer.”

“shadow runs with the man y/n.”

“the man himself avoids me like a plague so it’s a win win here.”

“what you see is present. Nobody can ever escape a tomorrow! You are evading it today, but one day you’ll eventually face it.”

“I don’t speak quotes!”

“simple! You both collide only to cause harm to each other. For how long do you think this can work. You’ll get tired and I suppose he’d too. when you’ll stop to rest, you’d find him there but at that time you won’t have enough energy to fight off anymore. Placebo is deadly y/n!”

You absorbed his vague statement full of philosophy but your mind couldn’t harmonise with what he meant!

“honestly, I stopped hearing the moment you mentioned yuta so can we continue!”

“yeah sure. Take the card, keep it for emergencies and I’m not taking no anymore. You aren’t hearing me so I’m doing the same. and secondly, can you defend yourself?”

“defend from who exactly?”

“drunken bastards, thieves, goons or whoever comes at you with a knife!” you were puzzled at the sudden mention.

“my personality repels violence and I’ve two strong best friends.” You declared the obvious. The only drunkards you met were outside the clubs and you never went alone so the thought never crossed your mind.

“first is a lie and second is insignificant here. I need you to learn some basics so you won’t need anyone else or just to hold until help comes.”

“what the! Are you actually recruiting me or something? I don’t wanna be a party in your gang wars.” you announced, now clearly understanding what he meant in the first place.

“I’m not telling you to fight with us. You don’t have an ounce of brain do you? it’s for your own safety.”

“safety from what? I live in a rich and peaceful neighbourhood, my dear husband is a corporate of first class, I myself never even go for a simple stroll in a park then who would I even fight?”

“here ,we all are used to the danger that we face everyday. Each and every man you see here is able to dodge anything that comes their way but you.are.not. Just because they are acting like school kids with no care in life doesn’t mean they are any safer. Jeno was making coffee a few minutes ago but after dinner, he’d be going for protection fee collection with others. If shit goes down, you might not even see him again but we won’t let that happen in the first place. It’s not same with you though. god forbid if you attract the attention of wrong people for all the reasons you stated, then how are we going to help you. even if you press the bracelet , it’d take us some time to get there. till then what would you do? You can’t even probably run for more than a mile! can you?”

You just shook your head at him, too baffled to form any words.

“do you devote any time to exercise?”

“I walk enough I guess and some planks when my stomach is out too much.”

“you are no better than these boys seriously.” She rolled his eyes at your statement.

“but despite the exercise or whatever, my strength is nothing against jeno or johhny. I’ll never b-

“if you fail in strength , atleast you can be swift. Or better you can learn to handle a gun or a knife. When do you get free?”

So, that’s why he called you!

“I don’t have a minute to spare for the next 15 days. Prep and exams are more important for me.”

“no worries. We can start after that. But don’t remove the bracelet band under any condition. Some rival mafia has hired a contract killer for you. so run fast if you notice someone following you, press it and we’ll be there. till then just hang on.” Nervousness got hold of your senses as you heard his warning.

“you are fucking kidding right! was I being followe-

“yes, I’m kidding.” he chuckled dryly. “You should see your face. If it was outside the parameters of the room, you’d have passed out already. Panic only leads to death and I don’t want you to die. so do it just for my peace of mind.” You released the breath you were holding till now, feeling relaxed again.

You just nodded at his words. He sounded like some motivational speaker luring you into his lifetime guarantee program but you knew he was right somewhere. you couldn’t depend on the boys to save you from creeps for whole life.

he was good at reading minds, you thought but despite that you wanted to pour the coffee on his head for the heart attack he’d gave you a minute ago.

“it’s risk free and beneficial. What you say?”

“ok. but I don’t wanna spar with the 6 feet ones. I’ll rather learn from you.” it was your turn to cackle!

“we’ll see about that.” He rolled his eyes to the back at your obvious attempt of poking fun at his short stature

JENO, I DIDN’T ASK FOR A COLD COFFEE. MAKE ME A NEW ONE.”

********

Meeting with taeil had benefitted you in every way. The most useful presently was the topic of the thesis he randomly suggested you. “ effect and consequences of veto power in relation to international peace and human rights”.  even mr. kwang, your thesis mentor liked it as it was almost near original. Now you were just left with exams that were just a week away. Fortune was playing in your favour as yuta had been missing from past few days that saved you some extra energy and headaches that you got with his repulsive energy towards you. then there was your newfound love for the sofa that you had permanently dragged by the windows. It helped a lot in relaxing and studying and you ended up sleeping on it, nearly getting used to the cramped neck.

Unbeknownst to you, he did come back, daily. But you were just so occupied that you never noticed the slight shuffling in the midnight. it went on for days until you woke up with a blanket covering your bare legs, evidently not yours!

****************

How to start the finals? By getting wasted? No. certainly not. But birthdays are important, sometimes more than those stupid grades!

The venue for yeong’s b’day celebration was a night club, as expected from yugyeom! He need no reason to get drunk and when his s/o was herself cutting the chains, then it’s the finest deal one could get!

Loaded with university students, the party at the first floor was thundering. The hoots and roars of slightly drunk adults became deafening as soon as the cake was consumed.

“why your classmates are so fucking loud” you screamed in yeong’s ear. You both were seated at the corner on leather seats, drinking away the reality.

“with your dolphin voice, you are in no place to judge them bitch!”

“lets blame this on your drunkard mumbo jumbo!” she jumped in joy at your lame attempt, alcohol speaking out for you.

“btw where’s your boyfriend?” she questioned leaning into your ear.

“who?” you wondered who she was referring to.

“wonwoo! Who else dumbo. His whole army was invited by gyeom but I haven’t seen him yet!”

You just shrugged in response, not wanting to face him. The farther, the better. His possessiveness only elevated your fears. Now that you were bound on taeyong’s mercy, wonwoo would be calling for a danger by being with you, especially when you were incapable of returning his love.

But fate had some cruel plans stored for you. when you were ordering another drink, strong hands gripped your waist. Though beyond tipsy, the moment you touched the protective hold, you knew it was wonwoo. It was always him afterall.

“you could burn me while wearing white and I’d say thank you baby” He whispered, nibbling on your ear, shivers running down to your bare thighs at the sudden action. everyone knew how much you loved white and that’s why yeong had designed this short white satin dress which just screamed “you” and barely left anything to the imagination of the viewer. “and nothing turns me on more than your covered arms.” He continued as his fingers slowly traced the collarbones down to the cleavage, your drunken self melting into his chest. His hands worked swiftly and he guided you into a secluded part to drown the excessive noise. Your back hit a wall as his nose brushed against yours, his slender fingers siding your sling bag to hook at your hips. He bent into your lips, love filled kisses slowly smoothening into hungry ones. The taste he left on yours was of the infamous vodka that he sure had consumed in plenty of amount ,leading him to you. the pledge to keep yourself away from him broke down in figures as he rolled his hips into yours, lips syncing with the movements. His grip bruised your body, hunger lowering from lips to the bare neck. Throwing your head back, savouring his touch, you clutched his shoulders for some control. Scheduled moans became more filthy as his one hand gripped your thigh in a try to hike up your dress. He didn’t do much work as it was already climbing up your hips. A Single move and his fingers graced against your core, tingling sensation burning your whole body. The open mouthed kisses left marks on your cleavage and neck as he fingers fucked you mercilessly.

“I missed you so much baby.”  His wavering yet soft tone met your ears but everything seemed hazy as he drove in and out of you. you felt euphoria in your stomach hitting you once again as he rambled on. “ don’t ever leave me again. you are my only lu-luxury. Don’t you ever dare snatch away the only hope I have! I love you. i fucking love you!” his sped up his actions under the dress but before he could provide you the final pleasure, you came back to the reality he  had divorced you from. you didn’t love him and never would. To his disbelief, you separated yourself from his body, him staggering back with the push.

“wha-

“I don’t love you woo. This-

Your hands filled the space between you two.

“this was never about love. We need to stop. I don’t love you woo. And don’t expect anything better from me. We are over. This is over.”

Your drunken slurs made evident that though you were loaded, the senses were still intact somehow.

“no y/n. don’t do this to me. I’ll wait more if you want. A lifetime if you say. But don’t say you are done with us. I’d die without you.” his words rang like a bell as you attempted to corrected the panties and dress, waving slightly.

You jumped away from him as his words got registered in your head. Ignoring him completely, you turned to enter the blast again but his strong hold on your arm stopped you. you squirmed under him, requesting him to let you go but his confession never halted.

“let go of her wonwoo!” you circled to see jungkook standing there , anger clear in his eyes. “I am not gonna repeat.” Jungkook was indeed dangerous when he was boiling.

“why was he enough and NOT ME!” you shuddered at the raise in his voice as he jerked you away. Timely, jungkook caught you and instructed you to go inside to wait for him. And you complied but not completely.

you were hot, bothered, angry and helpless at the same time so you did what you felt like. It felt like eternity when jungkook found you gulping some shorts in the bar. His brain went haywire for he realised you would’ve reached your peak by now. He cautiously approached you, checking the level of warmness on your cheeks. You were gone and so was he.

“what did you do with woo?” you asked him in the delightfully lovable voice that he found nothing but scary. You acting cute meant it was end of the life for anyone who would witness it. He had tried to record you a few times before in the said condition but it never ended up well with the screen of his phone meeting your wrath everytime. He helplessly dragged you from the bar towards the parking area, ignoring your initial question and the urge to scold you for the whole ruckus with wonwoo.

“I’ll drop you home cutie” he exclaimed, checking the level.

“I’m no cutie! And what about minjunie. And I don’t wanna go with you. I wanna be alone.” He giggled as you pouted at him, a rare sight to behold.

“yeah yeah I know you wanna be alone and blah blah but its past 11 already -

“soooooo. The protocol shall be followed despite the severi-

“shut up! You are not in a class dude. N hurry up, I’ve to pick minjun’s drunk ass as well!”

The discontent in his tone was apparent while he showed you the way forward. continuously wrestling against his strong hands, he finally gave up when you almost tripped over nothing.  

“stop annoying me y/n!”

“am i?” you pouted at him. “I don’t wanna go with you. don’t you understand!” he rubbed his temples in desperation.

“fine I’ll call someone else. But you can’t go alone.” But as he was fishing out his phone, you were gone.

After five minutes he spotted you outside, waving for a taxi.

“why are you so difficult?” his words fell to deaf ears. Watching you continue your frolics, he thought about giving up as a scheme formed in his head. Stopping a taxi , he ushered you in the back seat, moving to talk to the driver instead.

“no you aren’t coming!” you cried, showing your head out of the window. He grabbed his hair in annoyance, narrowing his eyes at you, “I’m not coming with you my mother! Let me give the address to the driver or else you’ll end up nowhere.” He pleaded, clasping his hands, bowing at you.

You giggled pleasantly at his gesture, hands flailing at him. “I don’t live in campus. I’ll give you the address. Wait!” after searching for your phone, you showed him the address saved in the notes app. That indeed surprised him for he wasn’t aware that you changed but decided against asking you. if it was not your new address, it could be trusted enough to be safer as it was saved under “my home”. Commanding the driver with an extreme firmness, he went away. Even in the drunk state, you were sure to some extent that maybe car was not moving.

“let’s go uncle!”

“your friend told me to wait.” you threw your head back realising that kook was upto something. A loud horn heightened your senses as the car moved.

Asshole, you muttered, grasping that he was clearly following you.

***************

“bop bop!” an eternity has passed for you in a futile try of remembering the password. The digits were changing their positions, as you regarded them.

“bop bop!” you tried again, mumbling to yourself, not knowing that you were not even banging the door in the first place. Standing still in your intoxicated state, arms crossed, the daggers you were throwing at the door would give any passer by a food to laugh but unluckily, there was noone there.

Bobbing your head from side to side, you started walking down the corridor, coming back at the your own door every few minutes. Curiously you pressed random button near the keypad. It was a bell, that you didn’t noticed earlier.

“wh- noona! You are here!” it was jaemin. He hugged you tightly before letting you in.

“duh! I’m waiting from last ten years but you won’t open.” Another giggle let jaemin known that you were in inebriated state.

“you are drunk.” He whispered.

“shhhh” you said , throwing your heels.

With jelly legs, you wobbled to the kitchen, catching attention of each and every presence in the living room and there were many of them.

“oh hiya! Home tweet home.” You chanted, hands waving like the wipers of a car. Hyuck and mark greeted you while jaehyun just sat down again, shaking his head in disbelief. However yuta was stunned and hooked to his place. He saw you navigating to the fridge, dropping the bottle, picking it up again, gulping it down, jaemin snatching it from you, apparently for you own benefit.

Jaemin guided you for your room before you got distracted by yuta’s figure staring you down.

“moshi moshi. Don’t you have any Japanese to throw at me today.” Yuta heard jaemin and others snickering as you slurred, walking unsteadily to him. He simply rolled his eyes, waiting for you to complete your attack.

“oh hi hyuck. I heard you don’t change your underwear for years. Go and take a bath right now. Asap” the liquid jaehyun was drinking, came out as a spray from his nose at the insult. Everyone was laughing at your antics except yuta. He scanned you up and down, eyes fixating on the fresh hickies on your visible neck.

“and you moshi moshi. You a-act like an angry young man all the damn ti-time,” hiccups started in between, “ but answer me with your half braincell- what kind of criminal you are! Atleast hid your face while shooting people dude.”

Yuta’s jaw cletched at your use of words, tension rising in the room. His neutral face changed into an angry one as you went on and on, all while poking his chest with your forefinger. “and that knife of yours! What are you? a street goon who hires little kids to scan cctvs for the-

And your body lunged forward, head resting where your finger was, passed out. Yuta’s red eyes didn’t go unnoticed by anyone. Anger radiated his body as he removed hands from his pockets to push you off but mark scooped your sleeping figure in his arms, signalling jaemin to open the door. After finding the key in your purse, mark laid you on the bed, rolling you to the side as jaemin placed a pillow behind to save you from falling.

They arrived in the hall only to find yuta already waiting for them.

“what was the need to baby her? She’s an adult and got drunk at her own expense. Didn’-

“so what hyung? Why are you making it a big deal!” mark replied.

“she is the one who makes everything a big deal. Didn’t you just hear how she was just trash talking about you all! She never fucking leaves a chance to spit at my face that I am a criminal –

“that’s what we are! We are damn criminals and she doesn’t know anything about us”

“but she says it like we are not even humans-

“I don’t understand why are you always throwing her under the bus hyung! Drunk people speak shit and she was totally hammered. Just let it go! Your punishment is over after two days, don’t spoil your mood over something so silly.”

“you can’t ord-

“yes I can and will order you because I agree with her. You do own just a half braincell that is not letting you think properly. Now don’t you dare mention all this to her in the morning.” Several pairs of eyes wandered between yuta and mark as the air became more pressured.

“so you do admit she is in wrong here hmm”

“she was just acting with her pure conscious. She saw a man dying and went to police. Tae hyung just made sure that she isn’t leaving anytime soon. She is trapped with criminals. What else do you expect from her? I know exactly what you want.” Suddenly mark’s eyes softened as he went on.  “You are craving empathy hyung. This is what I have seen in your eyes from the first day. You want everyone to realise that you are also wounded. You don’t despise her in actual but just the sympathy that wasn’t given to you in the first place. Stop acting like a stone. While blaming her you shouldn’t be forgetting that it was supposed to be me. You filled my spot as the killer. It started with me-

“no ma-

“it all started coz I was dammit feeling too sleepy to finish that contract killer. It was supposed to be a sniper attack but you had to go instead-

“I forgot my cover mark. How are you the cause when the problem was my own stupidity in the first place!” yuta shouted, tense silence following. Mark smiled a bit at him before continuing.

“then why do you hate her so much. shouldn’t you be hating me for sending you there or yourself for being careless. We should be compromising, not her. Just stop fighting with running water.”

He quietly said before picking up his jacket, going out. Everyone took that as a cue for leaving as well. Nobody uttered anything. The house was empty but mark’s words echoed in the space for entirety of the night, squeezing yuta into the reality he wasn’t ready to face.

*************

Your head felt like it was carrying all the weight of the world. Light harmed your vision, footsteps made you dizzy as you treaded for the door. Kitchen was suddenly too far away, everything looking too large for the squinted eyes. Water and sugar! two things circled in your head like a mantra, only until you felt a sharp pain in your waist. You slightly cursed the counter for bumping into you and stepped further to get water. the water soothed only your throat, stomach still craved sugar so you placed the large bottle on the counter, returning to open the fridge.

Some shuffling around the corner woke up yuta, who was resting on the couch. It hasn’t been more than few hours that he finally let himself immersed into the dreamland. His night and half of the day was spent in unearthing the deep hole that mark had thrown him into. He got annoyed at himself for failing in reaching a conclusion that would led to mark being wrong and it was the result of this constant thought provoking activity that he was having a persistent headache. He grumbled at the stiff neck as he got up. 13:03. Another sound came from somewhere, stimulating his body to check. With droopy eyes, he noticed you. actually half of you as the other half was searching for gold in the fridge. The hiked up dress was enough to give a free show of your bare legs without any strain. The thought of you eating his food wiped up all the drowsiness, making him go to kitchen.

“its not your bedroom. Close it.” He criticised, yawns escaping simultaneously. You didn’t move for his voice didn’t reach you in the first place. He tsked at your lack of senses as he neared you. but as soon as your figure got larger, his body met the floor brutally, several groans of pain leaving him. You turned around at the noise to see yuta struggling as his knee hit the polished hardwood. His other hand went to the counter for some support but it slipped causing his elbow to hit the cabinet handle more violently. His shout of anguish striked through your sensitive ears, making you swear in irritation.

Your eyes slowly traced the liquid under his body to the top of the counter. the water bottle. It was tilted and empty by the time you noticed and the water was what made yuta slipped in first place.

“fuck it!” he growled, discomfort contorting his features.

Slowly he moved himself to the other side, bruised elbow secured in his hand, grunts exiting him. You knew you were fucked up as soon as his cold eyes fell upon you.

“I guess it’s my time to call taeyong.”

[turtle-steverogers]

Blackened Lungs

i was gonna do a mini greaser au but then this idea came to me instead

warnings: smoking, death mentions

ships: platonic ralbert mostly, but sprace is there for like a second

editing: nah 

“Hey, Race,” Albert cracked open the door to Race’s bedroom to find it empty.  He furrowed his eyebrows, confused.  Race’s shoes had been by the door, he was definitely home.  

The longer he stood there, the tenser the atmosphere seemed to get.  Something was off, but he couldn’t tell what.  He stepped further into the room and wrinkled his nose as the smell hit.  The acrid scent of tobacco drifted throughout the room, causing Albert’s eyes to water.  He frowned, backing out of the room before the sour odor could latch onto him.  The pungent stench of cigarettes hadn’t plagued their apartment since Race had quit smoking half a year earlier.  He peeked his head out to the living room in case he had missed Race asleep on the couch, but there was still no sign of his roommate.  

He jumped when a door opened down the hallway and he craned his neck to see Race, padding out of the bathroom, holding a towel around his waist.  His hair was mussed up from drying it and still obviously damp in some places.  There were dark circles around his eyes and he hadn’t seemed to notice Albert as he crossed to his bedroom.  He startled when he spotted Albert standing near his door and immediately moved to cover himself before he remembered he was wearing a towel.  From where he stood, Albert could smell Race’s strong lavender body wash- the kind he only used when he was about to go on a date with Spot.  Or trying to hide the smell of smoke.  Albert could infer which one it was.

“Heya, Al,” Race said, putting on a tight smile, “What’s up?”

Albert bit his lip, trying to remember what he had intended to ask Race in the first place, “Uh,” he blinked, coming back to himself, “Oh, yeah, Jack wanted to know if we could bring the beer to movie night tonight.”

Race shrugged nonchalantly, “Sure, I think we have an extra case on top of the fridge.”

“Perfect,” Albert said, distractedly, “Are you okay?” He asked, avoiding asking Race about the cigarette smell directly.  He knew from experience that that wouldn’t get him anywhere.

Race’s eyes flashed imperceptibly, and if Albert didn’t know his best friend as well as he did, he would have missed it, “Yeah, I’m cool,” Race said, shortly, “Lemme change, then we’ll leave.”

He left no room for further discussion as he shut the door to his bedroom.  Albert hesitated in the doorway for a moment, debating whether or not to push the subject, before deciding against it and turning to walk to the kitchen.  As predicted, there was a full case of Budweiser on top of the fridge and Albert stood on his tiptoes in order to hoist it down.  It wasn’t the highest quality beer, so Albert grabbed the half-full bottle of Pinot Noir that they kept handy as well.  Race came out of his bedroom, dressed in jeans and a sweatshirt.  He had a pair of cryptid print socks on and was carrying his converse in one hand and a fidget cube in the other.  His shoulders were drawn up ever so slightly.  He was tense.  Albert couldn’t help the worry that was slowly consuming his mind.  What was wrong with Race?

Race planted himself on the kitchen floor, placing down his fidget cube momentarily in favor of slipping on his shoes.  Albert waited until Race stood back up, the usual bounce in his actions gone.  He wordlessly grabbed the wine bottle from Albert and the two of them left for Jack’s, Albert toeing on his own shoes before leaving.

They made casual conversation in the car, but nothing compared to their usual banter.  Race was furiously clicking his fidget cube the entire car ride, which was driving Albert insane if he was being honest.  But Race clearly needed to fiddle with it more than Albert needed his patience, so he bit his tongue.

As soon as they arrived at Jack’s, Race’s rigid demeanor dropped.  Or it seemed to, but as Albert watched him interact with their friends throughout the night, hints to his unstable mood were slipping through his facade.  He’d winced at every loud noise in the bad horror movie they were watching and when Spot tried to put his arm around him, as he usually did, Race flinched away.  Albert could see Spot cast a concerned glance at his boyfriend, but Race kept his eyes transfixed on the movie, though it was clear his mind was elsewhere.  The movie finished and Katherine pulled out several board games for the group.  Albert went to the kitchen to retrieve the wine and they enjoyed some lighthearted competition, accentuated by the pleasant buzz of alcohol.

“Hey, did y’all hear about that guy who broke outta jail?” Jack asked at one point during a game of Sorry.  Race was suddenly very interested in his glass of wine.  

“Oh yeah, the uh, the one that killed his wife and child a while back?” Crutchie asked, toying with the game cards.

“Yeah, I think so,” Jack said, “Apparently he like, went batshit and choked one of the guards, then dipped before anyone could even blink.”

Race had visibly paled by now, but no one else seemed to notice besides Albert, not even Spot.  

“That’s wild as fuck,” Spot mumbled, “I hope they find him soon.”

Race stood abruptly, earning a few questioning looks from the group.  He downed the rest of his glass in one gulp, before saying, “Be right back,” and leaving down the hall without another word.

Spot and Albert glanced at one another, a silent question echoing between them.

After a moment, Albert stood too, “I’ll go.”

Spot nodded and Albert walked in the direction that Race had disappeared in.  It took him a few minutes, but he eventually found the other man on the fire escape, legs dangling over the ledge.  He had one arm braced above him on the scaffolding and the other pressed underneath his thigh.  A cigarette dangled from his lips, the burning end glowing in the darkness.

Albert sat down next to his friend, who didn’t acknowledge him.

“So you have been smoking again,” Albert said after a beat.  It wasn’t a question.

Race simply hummed.  Albert spared a glimpse at him, trying to read his expression, but his head was turned the other way.

“It’s bad for your lungs, you know.”

Race let out a humourless laugh, a puff of smoke billowing into the air with his exhale, “People always tell me that like I don’t know it.”

There was another tense pause as Race took another drag, turning his head to look in front of him again.

“What’s wrong?” Albert asked.  

Unsurprisingly, Race didn’t answer straight away, but Albert waited patiently nonetheless.

“The guy who broke out of jail is my dad,” The statement was made in a monotone voice, yet it sent chills down Albert’s spine.

The momentary fear was replaced immediately with confusion, “Wait a minute, I know your dad.  I’ve met him.”

“You’ve met my adopted dad.  My real one killed my mother and little sister when I was eight.  I got out unharmed, but I watched him do it.  No one knows I was there.  Not even the police.”

Albert sat in stunned silence as the words sunk in.  He tried to think of something to say, but all that came out was, “I didn’t know you were adopted.”

Race shook his head, extinguishing his cigarette on the metal bar before flicking it off the fire escape, “None of you did.  I didn’t tell anyone, not even Spot, because I never wanted to associate with that man again.” He was speaking calmly, but the disgust and anger in his voice was noticeable.

“I’m so sorry,” Albert murmured.

Race was quiet, his head now resting on his arms.  For a brief moment, Albert wondered if Race was crying, but when he spoke, his voice came out steady, “I’m scared.  Terrified.”  The magnitude of his words were not reflected in his matter-of-fact tone.

Albert pursed his lips, “I can only imagine what you must be feeling.”

Race hummed again and reached into his jacket pocket with shaking hands, pulling out his box of cigarettes, as well as his lighter.

“But you gotta stop that,” Albert said, nodding to the cigarette Race had just pulled out.

“I know,” Race mumbled, “I fucking know and I’m mad at myself for doing it, because it took so much of me to quit, but…” he trailed off, shaking his head.  This time when he spoke, there was a waver in his voice, “I don’t know how else to deal.”

His hands were shaking so hard now that it was a wonder how he was still holding the cigarettes.  Albert carefully reached over and took the items out of Race’s hands, placing the cigarette that Race had taken out back in its original spot.

“We can figure this out, man,” Albert said, shifting to face Race, “I’m here for you- we’re here for you.  I know the others don’t know, and I’m not asking you to tell them anything that would make you uncomfortable, but we’re here to help you.”

Race drew in a shaky breath, “I don’t want him to find me,” his voice was small and vulnerable and so unlike the Race that Albert knew.  It was frightening.

“He can’t do anything to you,” Albert assured him, trying to convince him, “I promise I won’t let him.”

Race nodded, scooting over to bury his head in the crook of Albert’s neck.  Albert put a protective arm around him.

“Can you not tell the others?” Race asked against his skin, “I may talk to Spot about it tomorrow or something, but…”

“Wouldn’t dream of it,” Albert promised, “But I swear I’m here.”

“I’m sorry I smoked,” Race said, ashamed.

“I’m not mad or anything,” Albert said, “I can understand that you’re going through something hard and trying best to deal in a way you know that works, but I just don’t want you hurting yourself, dude.  Do you think you can try and stay away from them from here on out?  Come find me when you’re nervous instead?”

Race pulled away and Albert was shocked to see that he had been crying, “Yeah, I’ll try.  Thank you, Al.”

Albert squeezed his arm reassuringly, “We’ll get through this.”

Race nodded, wiping at his face, “We will.”

-

thanks for reading, chiefs

hmu to be added to my tag

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[an-old-telephone]

More Than I Can Take

At long last I have finished this and edited and gotten it to a good level! For @endlesscolddreams, thank you for the prompt “you are more than I can take”! I hope you like this!

Warnings: it ain’t very happy, but it ain’t sad either. Warning for language, implied stuff and alcohol use (well, mentioned). It may not be explicitly clear, but it’s the nations universe. RusAme (what else).

“You have three new messages. Today, 02:23 a.m.”

“Hey, uhm - (what? no, I’m fine I don’t - don’ need yer help…) - hey, could you maybe c’m'ere? Kinda stranded, ha… - oh (where am I? what?) - I’m at… (where?) -”

Another voice, higher, gentler - a woman, probably. “Whoever you are, hi, your friend is here, at Harvey’s. If you get this message, come and pick him up. He’s too drunk to know up from down, and if you’re not here within the hour I’ll check him into the hotel down the street. ’S called the Seaside Inn. He insisted on calling you, so if you get this message jus’ - get him. (Did he answer? Is he there?) Do whatever.”

Click.

“Today, 02:31 a.m.”

“Listen, buddy, I don’t know if you’re getting these messages but I would prefer it if you came earlier rather than later. If this continues, I won’t be able to handle him. He’s talking about - I don’t know, but he’s worrying me. And he’s literally begging for you. If you’re not here in less than half an hour, I’m taking him to the hotel.”

Click.

“Today, 02:35 a.m.”

“Ivan! (No, lemme be, jus’ - give the - give!) Ivan… I need - (fuck) Ivan I’ll jus’ - I’m gonna - yeah… (no - wait)

Is your name Ivan? I’m taking him in ten minutes. You know where he’ll be.”

Click.

A pause, a sigh. A soft curse.

Ringing.

“Hello? (Is it him? Is - is he on the phone?)”

“This is Ivan. I’m coming to get him. You said you were in Harvey’s?”

“Oh. (It is, give me-) Yeah, yeah we are. How far away are you?”

“Not too far - five minutes, give or take.”

“Oh, okay, good. Hey thanks, and if we woke you up, sorry. But you’re the only one he would call.”

“It’s nothing. I was up already anyway. Thank you for watching over him. I’m leaving now.”

“Okay, right, I’ll keep an eye on him. Thanks again. (What did-)”

Click.

He slips into his coat and shoes, and he closes the door softly behind him.

He tries not to think about the calls, about the words - half-sentences, pieces of phrases he needed to hear finished - Alfred so desperately and incoherently poured into the messages. He sees only the flashing and blinking streetlamps, feels only the hum of the rental car. He finds the bar, and parks carelessly in front of it. He pauses for a moment to look at the place, barely taking it in, before walking to the door. He’s assaulted by the enticing scent of cigarettes and the tang of alcohol, the music playing too loud to be background noise. People crowding the place are either talking too loudly, playing darts, or making pathetic attempts at dancing on whatever free space there is. Ivan looks around the place, spotting a man, turned back to him, with a mop of blond hair that has been run through with a hand too many times. The suit jacket Ivan recognises from earlier is discarded, rumpled over the back of the tall chair, his shirt creased from having been worn too long. Ivan makes his way there, and he is spotted by one of the people talking to Alfred.

She looks up, and when he is close she calls out: “Are you Ivan?”

Ivan sees the way Alfred’s head jerks up, before his shoulders shake lightly. Ivan doesn’t know whether the American is crying or laughing.

“Yes, I am. I’ll take him home now, thank you for helping him,” Ivan says tensely, and sees the way Alfred turns to slide out of his seat. Once his legs hit the floor, he stumbles but catches himself with a hand on a chair and another person helping him back upright. He looks long at the jacket on the chair before lazily picking it up. He finally looks at Ivan, bloodshot blue eyes gleaming hazily. His lips break out into a smile that doesn’t reach his eyes, and he begins making his way towards Ivan with certain but wavering steps. When he’s in front of the frowning Russian, he throws his head back and shows his cheap, whiskey-scented smile.

“Hey there, sexy” he drawls, his speech slurring - but it seems more sober than it had been over the phone. “Lookin’ for some fun?” His voice is suggestive, lips curled into a smile - a disgusting smile Ivan hates, hates beyond compare.

Ivan looks at the people watching Alfred with some worry. “He’ll be alright. Thank you again,” he finishes curtly, before taking a long look at Alfred and grabbing his arm. He begins walking, briskly but not too fast to let Alfred stumble. The American turns back for a moment and waved at the people, before letting Ivan drag him into his car and laughing heartily.

“I can’t believe you came,” Alfred admits, his smile fading. His hand is on the car door’s handle, uncertain of what to do.

“Well, I did, and I’m taking you home. Think of this as an aversion of a worldwide crisis. What’s your address?”

Alfred yanks the car door, hard - Ivan can hear the creak as it barely holds on its hinges. When Alfred speaks, he’s leaning on the car’s frame with hooded eyes. “Take me to your place, sweetheart.” His accent is slipping, almost Southern, and Ivan gives up. Alfred can take the couch. Maybe even the bathtub, if Ivan gets too irritated with the American on the way. Alfred sighs, before dropping into the passenger seat. He giggles. “Imagine the horror if I were to vanish. Jus’ - poof, no more Alfred, no more America…” Ivan can see his thoughts are muddled, but he also knows that Alfred is much better at handling his liquor than he’s given credit for. He looks like he’s barely nearing twenty, but the boyish charm and a probably fake ID go a long way for him. He’s had a hundred years of practice, and Ivan knows he’d have a worthy opponent in a case of drinking the other under the table. Alfred just generally likes to act.

“Why aren’t you sayin’ ‘nything? I was countin’ on ya, Eye-vahn,” Alfred says, a whine edging into his voice.

“Alfred, you aren’t even drunk,” Ivan says as he rolls his eyes, Alfred’s overplaying becoming annoying. “Counting on me to do what?”

Alfred shrugs. “Don’t know.”

There’s a pause, and Ivan thinks about flooring the pedal to get there as fast as possible, to leave Alfred as little time as possible to do or say something stupid. Ivan knows he’s going to, he’s bound to, but he doesn’t know when. Two seconds, two hours, two years. It’s always too little or too long.

“Can’t believe you came,” Alfred repeats, a frown on his face. “I thought…” He falls silent, gathering his words before he’s about to hurl them at Ivan. “Thought you would’ve still held a grudge,” he says, his words clearer than they had been a moment ago.

“I don’t know what you are speaking about,” Ivan says stiffly, hoping Alfred would fall asleep before they get to the hotel. But it’s obvious that Alfred isn’t as drunk as he made himself out to be - to say Alfred was complicated was an understatement.

“I fucked you over pretty good,” Alfred mutters, his voice almost blending into the hum of the car. Almost. It’s never enough.

Before Ivan can help himself, he’s gripping the steering wheel tighter, his words strained. “You have a tendency to do that.”

Alfred laughs - it’s loud, it’s obnoxious, it’s too cheerful and it’s a lie. “Guess you’re right. I’ve managed to fuck everyone over, even the one person that only ever really mattered. It’s my greatest talent, my greatest gift, my greatest curse.” Ivan doesn’t answer, because all he’s doing is trying to survive the car ride without insult or injury. “But you still… you came to help me. Even after everything, you came when I needed you. Why’d you do that? I remember everything I said, and none of it was justified. I said it on purpose. I lied to you. Why’d you come?”

Ivan wants to answer, wants to say he didn’t know - but he does know, he knows that he is still impossibly devoted to the stupid youth sitting next to him. So he stays silent, and Alfred continues.

“Do you know why I did that? Why I - why I hurt you?” There’s a pause, and Ivan knows if he applies any more pressure the steering wheel will bend, deform. “You don’t, because I never told you. I never gave you any explanation, I jus’ left you on your own with your broken heart.” He runs a hand through his hair again, and it sticks out in the oddest directions before falling haphazardly back down. “You don’t even know that I left you with my broken heart, too. You don’t know that it jus’ about killed me to - to say - say those hateful, horrible things I said. It doesn’t justify it, it doesn’t excuse it. I don’t have any. I can’t even say I thought I was helping or protecting you, because I know that’s a lie. You can help and protect yourself. I was protecting myself. I knew that if I get too attached I would have hell to pay if anything happened to me. I knew my government didn’t like me having a relationship with anyone. They know that it might fuck up the nation. I was thinking of myself, and of the goddamn heart I ended up giving you anyway.”

Ivan parks the car, violently opens the car door and slams it shut. Alfred laughs with tears in his eyes, and when his own door opens he’s met with a cold, 'get out’. He obeys, stumbling slightly as he steps out the car. Ivan locks the rental and breezes past Alfred into the hotel. Alfred follows slowly, taking in the hotel. When he enters the lobby, Ivan is already tapping his foot at the elevators, and Alfred strolls to him.

“I never said the explanation was pretty,” Alfred says, his voice soft but not apologetic.

“I never said I wanted it,” Ivan snarls, and when the elevator doors open he steps in, Alfred in tow. Alfred leans against the wall, letting his head drop back as he stares at the ceiling. Soft, irritatingly upbeat music is pouring in through it, and Ivan shifts.

“You deserved something of an explanation.”

Ivan doesn’t even look at him. “I could easily have lived without one.”

“Well,” Alfred says, “now you have to live with one.”

Ivan looks at Alfred with a frown on his face - as if he has so much he wants to tell the other nation, while simultaneously giving him a good punch in the jaw. Alfred wouldn’t flinch, because he knew that in all honesty, he deserved it.

“I know that saying I’m sorry isn’t gonna do anything,” Alfred continues, “but… but I am.” The elevator stops on their floor, and Ivan exits first. Alfred follows, but trips over his feet. He never meets the floor, because Ivan catches him. 

He always does, and Alfred understands why. 

They reach Ivan’s door, and Alfred’s standing falters on occasion. When they enter, the silence is overwhelming.

“You can sleep on the couch.”

Alfred snorts. “I can, but we both know I’m not gonna,” he says, his voice too knowing, too confident. Ivan hates it, like he hates everything else about Alfred. Hates, because he won’t admit the alternative. 

“There’s pillows in the closet,” Ivan states, his voice deadpan and as unwavering as he can muster. He knows where this is going, as does Alfred, but he can still try.

“Okay. Okay, I’ll get the pillows,” Alfred says, throwing his suit jacket onto the armrest of the cheap hotel couch, before trying to locate the closet. It takes his hazed mind some time, but he finds it, and carries back a white pillow. “There any sheets I can use?”

Ivan looks confused for a moment, before cursing in Russian. He realises that the only duvet in the room is in his bed - although it’s a double bed and there’s two, he knows that Alfred now has the perfect reason to settle into the bed.

“It’s fine,” Alfred says, waving his hand about dismissively. “Is there two in there? I’ll grab one of them,” he says, before going to the bedroom and returning with one of the two duvets, nearly stumbling on it. “Ivan, I’m not a completely insensitive asshole. I know I could have fooled you, everyone else, too,” he says with a halfhearted chuckle. “But I’m not - and I know I deserve it. I don’t deserve you coming to get me when I get too drunk to really be able to tell a cab where the hell I’m going, I don’t deserve you giving me a place to sleep. I’m not… I know I’m not the best person there is, but I have some manners,” he says, his eyes downcast. “I’ll just… I’ll be out before you wake up. We have an early meeting tomorrow.” It’s accompanied by an annoyed sigh and he turns to look at Ivan, who’s been staring out the window most of their conversation. He now looks torn between going to bed and… something else.

“Thanks,” Alfred says quietly. “And I’m sorry. Good night." 

Alfred swears he hears something that sounds like ‘you will be the death of me’, but he doesn’t say anything. He isn’t sure. He doesn’t want to be sure. He takes off and discards his shoes, but then his arm is grabbed and he’s whirled around to look at Ivan’s angered eyes - and he’s barely holding a sigh of relief.

"I cannot say I forgive you for what you did.”

“I know,” Alfred interrupts, but Ivan isn’t fazed. He resists the want - the need to grab onto Ivan’s arm, pull him closer.

“And this means nothing,” Ivan continues, and they both know where this is going. Alfred nods. “But God, you are more than I can take, Alfred,” Ivan says, his voice threatening and desperate all at the same time - Alfred says nothing, because he knows he might say something stupid; he knows he might destroy the meaning of the words that claimed no meaning. And then, Ivan is kissing Alfred, deeply, like it’s a drug he’s needed for too long - and in a way, it is. It’s as if Alfred melts, trying to draw himself as close to Ivan as he can get, and Ivan’s dragging him away from the couch and towards the bedroom. And in the morning, they’ll both regret it (but not really, they never do), and they’ll both know that Ivan’s words were useless, because it does mean something - it always does. Neither can stand seeing the other walk away.

Ivan will be damned if he lets Alfred go. Alfred knows he can’t leave another time.

And they’re both secretly, deeply glad for that - but neither will ever admit it.

Thank you, and hope you liked it!