#Literally every boss fight in Sonic Rush is a robot.

[melonthesprigatito]

A while ago I saw a post that was essentially "Who would win if your latest blorbo got into a fight with your first ever blorbo?"

I dunno, that would be an interesting match up actually.

[duckapus]

Mario & Sonic Party part 3

(Part 1) (Part 2)

Okay, now we're doing Minigame Mode

So the framing device for the Minigame Mode menu as a whole as well as the Free Play menu is that Peach's Castle ended up in Spagonia and the Submode Selection and Minigame Selection uses magic portal paintings like in Super Mario 64, with Toadsworth and Professor Pickle curating the gallery. If a submode or minigame is still locked, the painting will be obscured by abstract blobs of color.

Fishing Battle

That one mode in nearly every Mario Party where you pick a minigame category (4-Player, 2-vs-2 and 1-vs-3) and whether you need 3, 5, or 7 victories to win. In this case, it's represented by the Players' characters fishing with Big and a Lakitu, and when you win a minigame you catch a fish.

Duel Simulator

Professor E. Gadd and Eggman Nega's laboratories got fused together in such a way that the doors are missing, and they've decided to make the most of it and simulate the playable characters going head-to-head in Duel Minigame Tournaments. We've got the two duels in round 1, then the 3rd-4th playoff, then the final round, as you'd expect. The Players can decide who squares off with who in the first round.

Extreme Racing

The single player Minigame Endurance mode. The Player must compete in 100 consecutive Minigames of any type (except Item and Boss Minigames) and can only lose 3 times before getting a game over. The host duo and racecourse aesthetic are different depending on the difficulty level. On Easy, you race against Storm and the Spooky Speedster through ancient ruins, with elaborate depictions of both Ancient Babylonians and Thwomps carved into the walls. On Normal, you race against Wave and Koopa the Quick through a tunnel that appears to be part of an Eggman base, with a window on one side that reveals the tunnel is hanging over a lava lake near one of Bowser's Castles. On Hard, you race against Jet and Il Piantissimo on a path made of clouds and vines high in the sky, with Sky Babylon visible in the distance. On Master, you race against Metal Sonic 3.0 and a Cosmic Mario on a mechanical version of Rainbow Road, with both the Comet Observatory and a not-blown-up Death Egg visible in the distance. On Super, you're on a comically long wooden pier being chased by the Sonic Adventure Orca. It gives up and swims away at the halfway point, only to immediately be replaced by a giant Cheep-Cheep.

Tile Trial

It's basically just MP5's Mini-Game Wars with a bigger grid, because it's my favorite of the Colored Tile Minigame Submodes. Sticks and Orbulon are the Hosts because I think they'd play off each other well, and there's now a 2-vs-2 version called "Badgers Versus Aliens."

Chaothlon

The usual Minigame Decathlon framed as a Chao Race. It's hosted by Toad and Omochao, and every character uses a Chao that looks like them...with a few exceptions.

Cream obviously uses Cheese.

Ashley's Chao is clearly just Red under the effect of a transformation spell of some sort.

Petey Piranha uses a Nipper Plant

Bowser Jr. uses a Hero Chao wearing a Bandana identical to his.

Metal Sonic and Omega both use modified Omochao Because Robots.

Boss Rush

Kamek and Sage challenge 1 or 2 players to play every Boss Minigame back-to-back. The order is random, with the exception of Dimensional Collision Zone's boss, which is always last. This is the only way for Blaze, Ashley, Junior and Metal to fight the bosses, and it's probably a bit awkward for Junior and Metal because they are the boss fight for BowsEgg Battle Cruiser.

That's it for Minigame Mode, but this post ain't over yet!

Bonus Mode

The Dream World and Maginaryworld got fused just like everything else, but because they're both just Dreams it isn't that big a deal. So, Prince Dreambert and Illumina collaborated on three special dreams that house Bonus Games for the playable characters to enjoy.

MicroDream Mayhem

A single player bonus game hosted by Lumina. It's literally a WarioWare stage with "Mario + Sonic" as the theme. There's about 30 mirogames (which I will not be coming up with. nor will I be coming up with the Minigames. That Way Lies Madness.)

Dream Ralley

Four players race through a platforming course created by Dreambert, because of course you'd put platforming challenges into a crossover between two of the most famous platformer series of all time. Each difficulty level has three courses to choose from (Dreambert has a lot of free time).

Nightmare Shuffle

Void has created a few small, simple boards that use the mechanics of Sonic Shuffle instead of Mario Party. I bet you thought I forgot about Sonic Shuffle, didn't you?

Extras Mode

Hosted by Starlow and Shahra, this Mode houses the Star Bank and has some extra content that didn't quite fit in the other modes. Namely:

Unlockable figurines like the ones in MPDS.

3 special single-player Minigames.

Unlockable artwork of the characters, usually involving the various counterparts interacting.

The soundtrack, available for your perusal and listening pleasure.

Options Mode

Exactly what you expect. Hosted by a Goomba and an Egg Pawn.

[crusherthedoctor]

Can we have some unpopular Sonic opinions?

I tried to cram in a lot, so I hope this satisfies you. :P I tried to stick to the ones that I haven't brought up quite as often, since by this point, we all know that I think IDW's storytelling is dire, SA2's story is overrated, X Eggman is an embarrassing portrayal (at least from season 2 onwards), Blaze shouldn't be handcuffed to Silver, Shadow's backstory had issues with or without the Black Arms, Neo Metal Sonic looks silly, etc. But anyway, here we go:

- Knuckles may be tricky to incorporate into plots that don't relate to Angel Island, but making him obsessed with his duties is no better than having him forget about Angel Island entirely.

- I like Marine, and never found her annoying. Oh, I understood what they were trying to do with her, but I honestly wasn't put off by her, and found her Aussie lingo more endearing if anything. Since her debut was during the period in my life where where I couldn't stand Sonic himself, I instead thought he was irritating (and hypocritical) for getting annoyed with her for doing shit he would often be guilty of.

- Silver is just as guilty of being shoehorned into games and plots as the Deadly Six are. Having more fans than the latter is irrelevant, since we're still talking about a character who constantly has to time travel in order to be present.

- Speaking of Silver, if he has to stick around, please do something different with him. They've pulled the doomed future routine multiple times now, and it's been boring every single time. I wasn't interested when it involved Iblis. I wasn't interested when it involved Knuckles drinking the edgy Kool Aid. I wasn't interested when it involved a council of dumbasses... give it a rest already.

- The Tails Doll can work as a mildly creepy thing, with maybe more to it than meets the eye when it's time for a boss fight or what have you. But the memes about him stealing your soul are just dumb, and I thought it was dumb even back in my teenage youth.

- “Eggman is supposed to be clownish!” Yeah, well he's also meant to be a genuine villain with a 300 IQ. These qualities don't have to be mutually exclusive.

- “Sonic is supposed to have attitude!” Yeah, well that's not the same thing as being an absolute cunt. Sonic was only ever meant to come off as having an edge compared to Mario. He was never meant to be a GTA-tier protagonist.

- Rouge is not a villain, and never was a villain. Literally the whole point of her role in SA2 was to reveal that she was working against Eggman and Shadow the whole time, albeit using sneakier tactics to do so. You'd think all those people who exult SA2's story would remember this, but apparently not. She barely even qualifies as an anti-hero, since aside from stealing the Master Emerald, she rarely does anything morally questionable otherwise. She's got a lot more good in her than people give her credit for.

- Captain Whisker is a better Eggman Nega than the actual Eggman Nega. And as far as robot characters in this franchise go, Johnny's design is pretty underrated.

- I don't like Iblis or Mephiles, but I DO like Solaris, and it annoys me that it was out of focus for most of the story due to all the time spent on its less interesting halves. Had they kept the backstory with the Duke and his experiments, and worked from there, I think they could have provided an interesting contrast with Chaos (since Solaris can also qualify as a monster with a sympathetic backstory) instead of recycling the surface level schtick.

- Black Doom may technically be just as bad as Mephiles, Nega, Scourge, Mimic, etc, since he's yet another villain with one-note characterization and fucked over Eggman. But because he never gained a disproportionate fandom, he doesn't annoy me to the same extent. It's easier to ignore him by comparison, and his Dr. Claw voice and face shaped like a lady's delicate part make him enjoyable to mock.

- Likewise, while Lyric is also on the same level as these other villains, it's easier to dismiss him because I was never invested in the Boom games anyway, and being an obvious alternate universe (compared to Sonic X or IDW, which retain the Modern designs and plot elements), it never had an effect on the main series. I also unironically like his design, and if nothing else, at least this snake didn't start a hypnotism fetish across the internet.

- Sally - and the rest of the Freedom Fighters for that matter - have had their importance in the franchise severely inflated. They may have been lucky to be the face of popular media (SatAM and Archie), but they're not these magnificent entities that the game characters are but a speck of dust in comparison to. Having a “legacy” doesn't make them more entitled to shit than any other character, old or new.

- Conceptually, the treasure hunting gameplay is one of the better alternate gameplay styles IMO. But it was let down in SA2 by its one track minded radar (the levels may have been big, but I don't think that would have been an issue on its own if the radar was better). If they brought it back and made it more like SA1's treasure hunting, I'd be all for it, although it would probably be better suited for a spinoff title.

- This goes for a lot of games, but when it comes to 2D, I prefer sprites over models. Not that the Rush models are bad (though the ones in Chronicles sure as fuck are), but the sprites in Mania and the Advance trilogy are just so charming and full of character.

- I actually like Marble Zone. Yeah, the level design is a bit blocky, but I love the concept of an underground temple prison, mixed with lava elements in a zone that otherwise isn't a traditional volcano level.

- I also like Sandopolis Zone. Again, completely understand why it's not the most popular zone around, but I've been a sucker for the Ancient Egyptian aesthetic since childhood (you can thank Crash 3 for that), and Act 1 is visually stunning.

- I prefer the JP soundtrack for Sonic CD over the US version overall... but I also prefer Sonic Boom over You Can Do Anything.

- SA2's soundtrack isn't bad by any means - I love Rouge's tracks, and The Last Scene is one of my favourite pieces of music - but as far as variety goes, it's a step down from SA1's soundtrack.

- If Sonic X-Treme had been released, it probably would have been unenjoyable and confusing. Whatever your thoughts on SA1, it was probably the better option between the two as far as Sonic's first legitimate translation into 3D goes.

- I have no qualms with Modern Sonic and the other Modern designs and characters, but I also fully acknowledge that changing gears from Adventure onwards - and doing it with a great amount of fanfare - was always going to create one of the biggest divides in the fandom, and fans shouldn't act surprised that this happened. The fact that they felt the need to hype up a new design and direction in the first place (compared to Mario, who has mostly been the same since the beginning, with only the occasional minor change with little fanfare) also indicates that they weren't confident enough in Sonic and his universe being the way it was, which often gets ignored by all the “SEGA have no confidence!!!” complaints you see with their recent games.

- Unleashed did not deserve the incredibly harsh reviews it received back in the day... but it doesn't deserve its current sacred cow status either. It had more effort put into it than '06 to be sure, and I can respect that, but much of it was misguided effort, and even if you like the Werehog, you have to admit that the idea came at the absolute worst time. The intro cutscene may be awesome, as is the Egg Dragoon fight, but 2% doesn't make up the entire game. Chip was also quite annoying, and I wasn't particularly sad when he pressed F in the chat at the end.

- On the other hand, while Colours definitely has its shortcomings, and people have every right to criticse those shortcomings, a lot of its most vocal detractors tend to have a stick up their arse about the game because people actually enjoyed it, and it had a gimmick that people actually liked. Yes, it may have been the first game to have those writers everyone hates, but then SA1 was the first game to give the characters alternate gameplay styles and have other villains upstage Eggman, so...

- Forces is absolutely not on the level of '06. It's nowhere close. A game being flawed does not make it the next '06, clickbait YouTubers. Or should I say, the game they want to retroactively apply '06's reception to, since they've been trying hard to magically retcon '06's own quality...

- To echo @beevean, ALL of the 3D stories have their issues. SA1 is probably the most well-rounded of them on the whole, but even that one isn't perfect.

- To echo another opinion, although I do love SA1, I'm not crazy over the idea of a remake, and would prefer them to just take Sonic's gameplay from SA1 and work from there. Because with a remake, you're stuck in a hard spot: Do you keep it the way it is bar the expected graphical upgrades, and risk accusations of not doing anything to actually improve the experience? Or do you try to address past criticisms, and risk the wrath of the fans who will inevitably go on a #NotMyAdventure crusade about it? What people fail to consider is that the Crash and Spyro remakes were accepted gracefully because their original iterations were still unanimously beloved for the most part, whereas SA1 - and especially SA2 - have always been divisive, and have only gotten moreso over the years.

- People take their preferences for the character's voice actors too seriously. I have my own favourites like anyone else, but I don't make a big deal out of it.

- And with fandom voice actors, they usually focus too much on doing a basic impression of their preferred official voice actor, and not enough on the acting. So you end up getting a lot of fan voices who sound like decent impressions of Ryan Drummond or Jason Griffith on the surface, but they sound utterly empty beyond that impression, because there's no oomph or depth to the actual emotions. They think about the actor rather than the character, when it should really be the other way around.

- The thing with Ian Flynn is that he is capable of telling a decent story, and he can portray some characters well. But he's proven time and time again that everything will go off the rails if he's given too much freedom (ironic, given how quick he is to point the finger at mandates when something goes wrong).

- Ian Flynn and Shiro Maekawa are not the only people in the world who are allowed to write for Sonic. I understand that one should be cautious when seeking out new writing talent, but for all the fandom's accusations of playing it safe, they sure aren't in a rush to experiment outside of their own comfort zone.

- And of course, the big one: You don't fix the franchise's current problems by crawling back to its previous problems. It's much more helpful and constructive to discuss the good and bad alike with each of the games. Less “THIS GOOD, MODERN BAD”, and more “This could work, but maybe without that part...”

[sqgt-blog]

Classic Sonic Levels Ranked: #69 - 61

69. Lost Labyrinth - Sonic 4: Episode 1

It stands to reason that Sonic 4′s take on Labyrinth Zone would be godawful, but ironically, it’s for completely different reasons. Acts 1 and 2 are completely devoid of water! You instead have to wade through some of the most terrible gimmicks in the series. Act 1 is a very long gauntlet of boulders that suddenly appear behind you, drop over pits, and the worst ones of all: the ones that you have to keep balance on as they roll over bottomless pits. Act 2 is different depending on whether you’re playing the console or mobile version. The mobile version is the infamous gimmick minecart level, which is tilt controlled. You basically tilt right to win and occasionally jump. The console version’s Act 2 is thankfully a regular platforming level, but one filled with blocky torchlight puzzles, and not the fun kind. On top of that, you get to ride a button controlled minecart in some sections. Act 3 is the only one similar to Labyrinth Zone, and the only act in the game with water. It’s an even worse version of Labyrinth Zone, now with segments where Sonic randomly curls up in his ball form and somehow floats in the water, and you have to tilt the level to force a block out of the way without tilting Sonic into some spikes. It kills the little flow the level already has. The boss is at least the most original in the game. The first phase is the same as the original Labyrinth chase, but then Eggman engages you in battle with crushing pillars. These are actually well enough telegraphed where it isn’t too hard of a boss.

68. Labyrinth - Sonic 1

I honestly don’t mind Labyrinth much but it is a slog of a level. To be fair, this was the first water level in a series with unusual gameplay so I probably would have made the same mistakes back then. What Labyrinth screws up is that the level is 100% blocky platforming and is almost entirely underwater, filled with dangerous traps. There are also almost no alternate paths. It doesn’t play to any of Sonic’s strengths at all. Later water levels in the series would use the water as a punishment for failing to stay above it, but would always let you recover and reach the surface, eliminating Labyrinth’s biggest sin. Not helping things is the boss, which is just chasing Eggman up a flooding tunnel full of spears. The game designers probably figured no boss they could make would be as difficult as Labyrinth Zone, and they were right!

67. Wacky Workbench - Sonic CD

I considered ranking this level last, but unlike Labyrinth Zone, there is one saving grace: with skillful play you can avoid the shitty gimmick. Wacky Workbench is designed around an electrifying floor, and if you touch it, it bounces you extremely high up, usually into a vertical shaft that you have to climb back down to make any progress again. The badniks and electric cables are also very annoying and placed in some cheap spots. Also, Act 1′s robot generator is hidden in a super cheap spot. Turns out those crushers aren’t crushers, but are warp tubes, and one of them takes you to the robot generator! Almost as an apology, Act 2′s is right at the beginning of the level. The boss is actually pretty cool: Eggman drills through the ceiling, and to follow him you need to climb up some blocks that the floor bounces up to reach the next level. It’s a pretty decent challenge and is very creative.

66. EGG Station - Sonic 4: Episode 1

Like every zone in Sonic 4 Episode 1, EGG Station picks a zone from Sonic 1 or 2 to rip off. The final zone thus rips off 2′s Death Egg. Here, you fight every boss again, now with less health but already in pinch mode. This is made incredibly aggravating by the choice of music, the boss pinch theme which is a five second loop. The boss rush is capped off by another Death Egg Robot, with some key differences. This time you get three rings to fight him, and he doesn’t have wonky hitboxes this time, making him much easier; until you hit him 16 times, upon which he shields himself with electricity and stops pulling punches. He rockets them instead, forcing you to knock his hands back at him to temporarily lower his electric shield. His third and final phase only takes one hit, but failure to hit him after he jumps and lands will cause him to destroy the floor, killing you instantly. He’s actually kind of a decent boss, he just overstays his welcome, and his not-Death Egg Robot theme is pretty lame.

65. Metropolis - Sonic 2

Metropolis is the most hated level in Sonic 2, and with good reason. Every enemy in this zone is out for your blood. Whether it’s the punching crab Shellcracker with his unfair hitbox, the exploding Asteron placed next to the vertical screws where he will knock you all the way down, or the dreaded Slicer who can snipe you anywhere on screen with his boomerang scythes, all of these badniks are placed in the worst possible spots imaginable. The worst part, however, is that Metropolis is three acts long instead of two. On top of being super cheap, it also overstays its welcome, a cardinal sin for Sonic levels. The boss is also pretty hard to not get hit by, thanks to the hitboxes on his orbiting balloons and how close he circles them around him. With rings he’s still pretty easy, but I couldn’t imagine fighting him without any rings.

64. Oil Ocean - Sonic 2

The first six zones in Sonic 2 are an absolute joy to play through and never get old. Unfortunately, Sonic 2′s level design takes a massive dive in quality after Mystic Cave and never recovers. Oil Ocean is the seventh zone and is marks the point where I don’t feel like playing anymore. Oil Ocean is one of the coolest looking and sounding levels in the series, a surreal oil refinery with Arabian music. It’s also a tedious maze where you never feel like you’re making progress. The fans from Star Light Zone return to keep you from running forward, usually right after you exit one of the fifty elevator shafts. You also wind up going backwards a lot. There are also cannon setpieces that are cool for about two seconds before they overstay their welcome, as they drag on forever and tend to place you further backwards in the zone. At least the oil slides are fun.

63. Marble - Sonic 1

Sonic 1 has amazing gameplay, and levels that do not take advantage of said amazing gameplay. Marble Zone, the second zone, is one of them. Thankfully it isn’t hard (though it is a spike from Green Hill Zone). It is, however, a massive killjoy. Marble Zone is almost entirely devoid of slopes and alternate paths, the two key things that make a Sonic level, and is instead filled with very slow paced and blocky platforming. Like Labyrinth Zone, it is the complete antithesis of what makes Sonic fun, but it’s much easier and doesn’t have water which makes it that much more tolerable. Still though, placing it as the second level was not a good idea.

62. Wing Fortress - Sonic 2

This is the final regular level in Sonic 2, and the hardest one by far. What the level lacks in badniks it makes up for in dickish level design. There’s a lot of cool gimmicks in this level like propellers that you can hover above, wall panels to cling to, floor boosters (which are unfortunately very glitchy and will probably kill you). It feels climactic but doesn’t really feel that fun, just kind of brutal. Thankfully, it’s really short, on top of being a one act level. The boss is the hardest in the game too, and this is right before the two final bosses fought with no rings. It’s a laser in the ceiling that you can only hit by climbing on some small platforms with spikes on the bottom. It isn’t too difficult, but if you aren’t too careful it can be easy to get hit since the spike platforms fly right over each other.

61. White Park - Sonic 4: Episode 2

White Park is the most original zone in Sonic 4, and unfortunately the most tragic. Act 1 is the only act that feels well designed. It’s a pretty fun winter level with some cool gimmicks, and makes cool use of the Rolling Combo to plow through snow. Act 2 is visually the best level in the game and has an awesome roller coaster theme. It’s also the series’ most hold right to win level yet. Literally the only change of pace in this level comes from automatic spring segments and some crushing walls here and there. Act 3, however, is why White Park is ranked so low. It is the single worst level in 2D Sonic history, with nothing redeeming about it. Act 3 is a cave almost entirely underwater where you have to use the Swimming Combo to narrowly dodge sea lion badniks that freeze gigantic portions of the water. The worst part is at the very end, where you have to quickly swim through a gauntlet of these sea lion badniks or they’ll trap you, forcing you to kill yourself by drowning or nearby spikes. Even the music is complete garbage. Thankfully the boss redeems things a bit. It’s a cool battle with Metal Sonic on top of the roller coaster tracks in Act 2. He can homing attack the tracks to destroy them, make lighting walls to fly over, and other attacks. He can be very cheap but this is a genuinely cool battle.

[avernale]

Sonic Crisis, Episode 2: Infinite Nightmare

In which we fail the Bechdel Test and take liberties with a boss fight

Sonic Crisis Episode 2: Infinite Nightmare Written by Avernale(Tumblr, DeviantArt)/DesperadoCoyote(FurAffinity)/CrisisRobo(FanFiction.net)

 I know I said my dreams regarding Infinite had changed, but by no means were they gone for good.  I’ve been fighting him ever since I began focusing on my training. I suppose the best path to victory begins with visualizing it, but how do you picture beating someone who can do literally anything?  I don’t always die, but I never seem to win, either.

I guess I have a ways to go before I can even dream of beating him…

Sonic, of course, was a lot more confident than I was.  As soon as he heard Silver had encountered Infinite, he ran all the way to Mystic Jungle to fight him.  You wouldn’t think he’d fare much better than last time, when he was in peak condition, and to be fair he didn’t, but even Infinite seemed surprised that six months of torture and confinement had only made him stronger. I suppose being stuck on your arch-enemy’s space prison is no excuse to skip leg day.

I know I sound like I’m making light of this, but to tell the truth I was scared of losing Sonic again.  It was a big risk to confront him and just demand the secret of his power. I’m just thankful that Infinite was so arrogant as to not just finish off Sonic for real this time.  That’s the thing with Infinite; People’s fears feed his ego.  He leaves survivors to teach others to be afraid of him, but if he had half a brain he’d take out the major threats before they could mount against him.  Then again, with power like that It’s hard not to think he’s justified in his hubris.

I myself managed to pull off a rousing victory in the City. Eggman was attacking with his giant Death Egg Robot sentinels, and we needed evacuate the civilians.  With Sonic and Silver still healing from their battle with Infinite and our remaining forces occupied with other battles, it was up to me to lead the charge.  I pretty much just made a commando run up and down Park Avenue, destroying every robot I could find, but I managed to make a huge impact.  We were not only able to rescue the citizens who couldn’t make it out before the battle started but we actually turned back the invaders!

Everyone was rather impressed with my performance. Vector was even a little jealous of my skill.  To be honest, after Sonic and I took on Arsenal Pyramid together, I was riding pretty high.  I felt like I could do anything, and this victory did little to ease the swelling of my head.

Even so, I couldn’t help but think of the “little talk” I had with Amy after we got back from the pyramid.

“Look, honey, don’t get the wrong idea,” she said. “But Sonic’s mine, alright?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I told her. I honestly didn’t have those kinds of feelings towards Sonic, and I couldn’t imagine what gave her that impression.

“Not that I blame you or anything,” she went on.  “Sonic’s just got that kind of effect on women. But don’t think you got a shot just because you Double Boosted with him one time.”

“Seriously, it’s not anything like that!” I insisted.  “I just… want…” I faltered a little. “…To run with him.  That’s all…”

Okay, admittedly, that did sound a little like a romantic notion. I’d run beside him forever if I could, but I think I’m more addicted to the speed from the Double Boost more than anything else.

“Uh-huh?” she said incredulously.  “Can you honestly say you couldn’t possibly imagine being with him?”

I tried imagining it.  Him holding me in his strong arms.  Me gazing lovingly up into his eyes.

“Sonic-sempai,” I’d say.

“Crisis-chan,” he’d say.

I could feel the blood rushing to my cheeks, but I shook my head.  “No, no, no! It’s just too weird!  He is Sonic the Hedgehog, but… I don’t know… I mean… If he wanted to, I guess. I don’t know if I could refuse him…”

I suddenly imagined him holding me down on a bed.

“No, Sonic-sempai!” I’d say, struggling in vain to break free from his iron grip.  “This is wrong!  You’re a married man!”

“But I love you, Crisis-chan!” he’d insist.  “I must have you!”

I covered my face with my hands as it turned beat red. “Gah!  Stop it!  You’re putting weird ideas in my head!” Another one suddenly occurred to me and I busted out laughing.

“What?” Amy asked.  “What’s so funny?”

“I just… I’m just…” I paused to take a breath and wiped a tear from my eye.  “I was just thinking… You know how prison changes a man.”

“No, no, no, no!” Amy shook her head.  “That’s not possible!  Not my Sonic!”

“We might not even have a chance anymore,” I said, nodding sagely.  “Shadow’s probably more his speed.”

“Don’t even joke about that!” Amy interrupted. I think her nose started bleeding. “That’s not even funny!  Sonic isn’t like that!”

“Alright, alright,” I said.  I put a hand on her shoulder. “Look, I don’t think I could date Sonic anyway.  It would violate my OTP.”

Amy smiled at me.  “Oh, wow, really?”

“Yep,” I said.  “Sonally all the way.”

Amy blinked in confusion.  “What?”

…Okay, maybe it didn’t go quite like that…

Anyway, after I repelled the invaders in the City, Rouge said the instruments were detecting lifeforms near the lab in Mystic Jungle where Sonic had fought Infinite.  A jungle ought to be teeming with lifeforms, but the sensors wouldn’t be worth much if they couldn’t tell common bugs and reptiles from more novel creatures so Knuckles sent me down to check it out.

Navigating the massive water slide that was Aqua Road was a harrowing experience with insane twists and turns.  It took everything I had to keep from being thrown off the side. Knuckles seemed to think it looked like a lot of fun, though. I guess it takes a special kind of person to enjoy being knocked around by Motobugs like bumper cars in a mosh pit.

I found a strange stone with black and magenta stripes just lying on the ground once I reached the lab.  I didn’t even have the faintest inkling of its significance then, and I had pretty much forgotten about it after the next discovery an instant later. The two lifeforms Rouge had told me about were Tails and… Sonic? This was a different, younger Sonic that I later learned was from another dimension that was roughly five years behind ours. Tails must’ve caught me staring, since he asked if we’ve met before.

Tails was pretty happy to see our Sonic after all this time. We all were, but the two of them were practically brothers.  I was a little surprised no one else seemed as weirded out about there being two Sonics as I was, but the two of them apparently met before so maybe I was just the odd man out.  I’m sure Amy was in Heaven, though.

It wasn’t all good news, though. Apparently, Tails learned that Eggman was planning to destroy us all in three days’ time. Unfortunately, that was all he knew. Three days didn’t seem like a lot, but Sonic was confident that it was more than enough time to turn things around.

There wasn’t any time to speculate, anyway.  Eggman’s forces had returned in unreasonably large numbers, led by that turncoat Shadow.  It was only later, after Sonic went out to face him, that we learned that this Shadow was a copy.  The real Shadow arrived to take out the copy and revealed that it was a virtual reality projection created by Infinite using the power of the Phantom Ruby.  Zavok, Chaos, and Metal Sonic were illusions as well, and with the Ruby’s power they were just as strong as the real thing. Worse yet, there was no limit to the number of replicas he could create with it.

I would’ve loved to go out and knock that knock-off’s block off, but Knuckles had other plans for me.  It seems that with the overwhelming force knocking at our door, Eggman’s Metropolis HQ was working with a skeleton crew.  Knuckles wanted to return the favor with a full-on frontal assault he was calling “Operation Big Wave.” He probably put more thought into the name than the actual plan itself, but Tails thought the plan had merit and who am I to argue with a boy genius?  With an extra Sonic and the Resistance’s star rookie, what could possibly go wrong?

There’s an old saying that goes, “The first casualty in battle is the plan.”  When your entire plan is the military equivalent of “Punch it in the face until it dies,” that’s a major problem.  It was going so well until Infinite showed up and literally turned everything upside down.

During my typical commando run I used my grapnel to swing into the air high above the ground and went sailing.  Before I knew it, he was flying right next to me.  I caught him out of the corner of my eye and my blood ran cold.  Even counting the time months ago when he spared my life just to watch me cower in fear, he had only ever been this close in my nightmares.  Did he single me out?  Why?  Did he know who I was, or was I just unlucky?  Or did he use his virtual reality powers to give everyone their own personalized vision of his countenance?

There wasn’t any time to think about it.  He wasted none of it activating the Phantom Ruby and plunging Metropolis into chaos.  I could hear Knuckles in my ear reminding me that none of what I was seeing was real, but I was too busy running on the ceiling and dodging giant Infinites to really pay attention.  Not just me; Everyone was having a bad trip.  Before we knew it, 80% of our forces had been taken down and remainder was MIA.  As far as anyone knew, I was the only one still capable of putting up a fight.  It was up to me to finish the assault.  No pressure, right?

Try as I might, though, I couldn’t make any head way. Infinite was just too powerful, and the enemies too numerous.  Before long, the order to retreat came in and I was forced to flee the city.

I thought I was home-free, but in the chaos and confusion sown by Infinite I got turned around.  Once I realized my mistake, I had to backtrack across the city to the rendezvous point.  Things had quieted down already, so I thought I wouldn’t be spotted if stuck to the rooftops.

But I was wrong.

“More ants to crush.” I had heard Infinite before I saw him. “I wonder if this world can offer me a real challenge.”

He was standing on the edge of the roof, gazing out at Metroplis.  I don’t know how I got this close without noticing or being noticed, but I was thankful for that bit of luck.  Just seeing his back filled me with such dread it felt like my heart stopped beating. Perhaps it realized what my mouth didn’t.  If I hadn’t gasped at that moment, I might’ve been able to sneak away unnoticed.

“And as if to answer, the world sends me a trembling child,” he said.

He wasn’t wrong.  I could feel my body shaking as he slowly turned towards me. If I could have willed my body to move in that moment it would not have made a difference. In less than an instant, we were standing cheek to cheek.  He smelled like a hot, desert wind and reeked of burnt ozone.

“Are you going to fight and die here?” he said into my ear. I thought he had a hand on my throat, but I was instead choking on my own heart. “Or run away in fear again?”

I shrank away from the jackal.  I felt terrified, but also… also shamed.  As he said, I was a lost, frightened child.  I joined the Resistance to fight Infinite, but I was mere inches from him now and could do nothing but hold back tears of panic. This war could be over in a flash, but all I could think of was…

What would Sonic think?  What would he say if he saw me for the coward I am?

“Hey, don’t be scared!” his words echoed in my mind. “This is your moment to shine!”

That’s… That’s right!  Sonic would believe in me just I believed in him! I shouldn’t have doubted him for a second. Even if I didn’t believe in me, I would believe in the me that Sonic believed in!

“Keep going,” he would say. “Don’t let your fear own you!”

I swallowed my heart and grit my teeth.

“For the sake of the world, I will know no fear!” I declared. “Fear is an illusion, and so is your power, you trickster!” I brandished my Drill Wispon. “What is real is this drill! This is the drill that will pierce your sorry butt!”

“Fine,” he said as he pressed a couple fingers between the eyes of his helmet as if it were a pair of glasses. (I swear, he does that just to look intellectual) “I will teach you fear, then pain, and then... ” He crossed his arms and rose into the air. “Well, at least the fear and pain will end.”

The world distorted, and suddenly we were inside the building.

“You must be a straggler that got left behind,” he said as swarms of voxels emerged and swirled around me.  “The strong will always vanquish the weak. You only have your own frailty to blame.”

The voxels swallowed me, despite my best efforts.  I found myself in a distorted world, my vision dyed a vicious red.  It was hard to breath.  Missiles came at me from every direction as cannons materialized and dematerialized around me.  

I had to focus.  This world wasn’t real.  I revved up the drill and thrust it into one of the cannons.  The red vanished as the virtual world fell away, leaving me back in the room with Infinite.

“Well, well. It seems behind that fear is a spark of defiance.” He dove towards me, shrouded in a blazing, red aura.  I thrust my drill at him, but he caught it with one hand.  Sparks flew as it ground against his aura.  “And those eyes… I feel like we’ve met before.”  

He retreated back into the air, but I caught him with my grapnel and slammed bodily into him. We bounced off a wall and tumbled across the floor.

“You’ve put up quite a fight,” he said, rising to the air. “I underestimated just how desperately the feeble cling to life.”  

I scrambled to my feet and revved up the drill again. “That’s a funny way to say you got your butt kicked.”

He threw some energy blasts at me.  As I rolled out of the way, I realized I dropped the strange stone I picked up in Mystic Jungle.  In all the excitement, I had forgotten I even had it.  Funny how I hadn’t noticed how much it looked like the crystal on Infinite’s chest.

“I remember you,” he said as I picked the stone back up. “You ran from me before. You survived then, but you throw it all away now.” With a single pulse of energy, we were back in the virtual world. “Curious.” At the same time, cannons materialized all around me. “This will be good bye.”

I was backed into a corner with nowhere to run. As I braced myself for the end, I realized I wasn’t so much afraid as I was frustrated. I was so close to ending the war I could taste it.  All that stood between him and me was a rapidly-encroaching wall of cannon balls. If those cannon balls weren’t there…

In an instant, my vision cleared.  The air was easier to breath.  I was in the real world again.  There were no cannon balls, just me and Infinite.  The moment of clarity ended as suddenly as it began and the cannon balls exploded behind me.

“What?” Infinite exclaimed, just as surprised as I was. “How is this possible? It can’t be… How did you?”

I chuckled. I thought I had him figured out.  As long as I didn’t believe in his power, it couldn’t affect me!

“Hey, Infinite,” I remarked as I revved up the drill again. “What’s a god to a non-believer?”

I leaped at him, easily clearing the cannon balls fired at me. I thought I had him dead to rights, but just swatted me away like a fly.

“No matter,” Infinite said as he turned away from me. “They only have two days left. Let them contemplate the inevitable until I end this once and for all.”

And then he just left, as if I didn’t even matter!  I couldn’t believe it.  I wanted to scream at him, tell him to come back and fight me like a man!  I thought I was so cool up until that point, but I was just as arrogant as he was. But despite my anger, I didn’t have the energy to go after him.  I just sat there, stewing in my own juices until Knuckles called my phone.

“Rookie, come in!” he said.  “Where are you?”

“Rookie here,” I sighed.  The title left a bitter taste in my mouth, but it was apt.  I was no hero.  Just some rookie who got in over her head. “I just… had a run-in with Infinite.”

“Oh my gosh!” Amy was on the line now.  “Are you alright? Are you hurt?”

“No, no, I’m fine,” I said, a little surprised Amy was showing concern for me.  “I’m just… I’m just…” My head and my Wispon hand slammed into the wall and floor, respectively.  “I almost had him!” I sniffled and rubbed my eyes with my forearm.  “I thought I had him figured out, but…” Even though they couldn’t see me, I tried not to cry but the tears came anyway.  “I’m just useless!  He doesn’t even bother killing me!  I’m useless!”

“Crisis, it’s fine.” Silver this time.  “That arrogance of his is just another tool we can use against him.  Now where are you?”

I dragged myself to my feet and pressed my forehead against a window.  “I dunno. I’m in a building in the middle of Metropolis?  There’s those weird fake trees outside? I think this might be a factory or something?”

“Okay, try to get to the roof,” he said.  “We’ll come pick you up.”

“No, it’s fine, I can walk,” I said.

“Don’t,” Silver insisted.  “Get to the roof and stay put.  We can’t have you wandering around right now.”

“Hey, Crisis?” Amy again.  “You wanna stay on the line so we can talk?”

I didn’t think there was much more to say, but… “Sure.”

Amy’s surprisingly cool once you get to know her. I can see why Sonic hasn’t kicked her to the curb already despite her creepy stalker-crush.  It felt good to get stuff off my chest, and Amy shared a few things, too.  Nothing I would repeat here, of course.  That would be telling.  I was feeling a lot better by the time the extraction team arrived and we managed to escape from the city without much incident.

Still, I had a feeling my Infinite nightmares were far from over.

[crusherthedoctor]

Sonic Villains: Sweet or Shite? - Part 12: THE HARD-BOILED HEAVIES

There are some villains I like. And there are some villains I don’t like. But why do I feel about them the way I do? That’s where this comes in.

This is a mini-series of mine, in which I’ll be going into slightly more detail about my thoughts on the villains in the Sonic the Hedgehog franchise, and why I think they either work well, or fall flat (or somewhere in-between). I’ll be giving my stance on their designs, their personalities, and what they had to show for themselves in the game(s) they featured in. Keep in mind that these are just my own personal thoughts. Whether you agree or disagree, feel free to share your own thoughts and opinions! I don’t bite. :>

Anyhow, for today’s installment, we’ll be covering the rotund oppression squad of Sonic Mania, and celebrated improv artists among the Badnik community: the Hard-Boiled Heavies.

The Gist: Sonic the Hedgehog and Miles "Tails" Prower were heading to Angel Island in pursuit of a mysterious new jewel that their nemesis, Dr. Eggman, was on the hunt for. Unfortunately for them, a squad of Egg Robos had already beaten them to the punch, because literally everyone in the Sonic universe is faster than Sonic. Upon being unearthed, the jewel in question - the Phantom Ruby - wasted no time in working its magic, and with its unexplained distortion efforts, it sent Sonic and Tails (and Knuckles) to Green Hill.

Also, it gave the Egg Robos more than a few nifty accessories.

The king was on his own with finding the tip of his scepter though.

Thus began a new adventure that proved to the non-believers that this franchise can in fact work beautifully when the characters have gameplay mechanics in common with each other and aren't going around picking up guns and turning into werehogs. Sonic was on a mission to get to the bottom of the Phantom Ruby shenanigans, but his upgraded opposition, dubbed the Hard-Boiled Heavies, did whatever they could to stop the hedgehog's pulse, which largely involved making use of old Badniks in refreshing and exciting new ways... much like themselves.

This is a more compelling take on Arthurian legend than the entirety of Black Knight.

All the while, Eggman carried on using the Phantom Ruby to his heart's content to make things even more difficult for our heroes, like teleporting them away as often as a Kirby final boss, and giving Metal Sonic a brand new Final Smash. Eggman planned to use the Titanic Monarch, a giant robot that made the monsters in Shadow of the Colossus look vertically challenged by comparison, to achieve his lifelong dream of taking over the world. Complications arose however, when the leader of the Heavies decided he wanted the Phantom Ruby for himself. Sadly for him, this was not an Adventure Era title, meaning Eggman actually fought back, and on equal terms at that. Sonic, with his super form, was forced to take on Eggman and the King at the same time.

In a stunning revelation, Sonic defeated them both. But not before the Phantom Ruby itself teleported the hedgehog away one last time, to a different time completely, where he would experience a different journey altogether... Then he came back, did the whole thing all over again, and now he's cracking a cold one with the boys (and King, for some reason).

Fucking 4Kids censors at it again.

The Designs: The Heavies are still Egg Robos at their core, so they share the same general body structure. Don't assume that makes them indistinguishable however, for they've been given a lot of bells and whistles that play to each of their thematic motifs, right up to their weapons of choice.

Heavy Gunner is a robo-bobby:

"You're nicked, hedgehog... But before you're sent to the chair, are there any pencils you'd like me to sharpen for you?"

Heavy Shinobi is a stealthy ninja, despite being neon green:

He speaks entirely in fortune cookies.

Heavy Magician is always dressed to impress:

These guys certainly do make me feel like magic.

Heavy Rider is a rough n' tough knight of the round table... if that table was Eggman's:

She dances when'ere she's able.

And the top dog, Heavy King, is suitably imposing without trying too hard and looking accidentally hilarious in the process, unlike certain other villains in this very series:

Why did he watermark his chest hair?

His Majesty also gained a second form during his final battle, which sacrificed his legs for size, power, and high quality Tee Lopes rips.

And a chimney for his head.

These designs already go far to give the Heavies their own sense of individual character. As you'll soon notice however, that's only half of it...

The Personalities: You can laugh all you want, but these Egg Robos in a game with no dialogue whatsoever managed to show vastly more personality than many of the villains in this franchise WITH dialogue. Look at this shit right here, and tell me they don't immediately ooze charm like it's nothing.

Pictured: Love at first sight.

And this extends to your confrontations with each of them. Gunner is crafty, and willing to sacrifice his own men to cover his ass, but the panicked look on his face when things go south for him is very relatable.

"Wait... I'm in a Sonic game...? ...For Sonic fans...? ...Oh god..."

Meanwhile, Shinobi puts up a cool and suave front, and never hesitates to go in for the kill, but he's not above playing around for the sake of his own cockiness.

Magician is a bubbly showoff, always popping up to mess with the heroes at a moment's notice. But she's also rather affable, and well-mannered to her mortal enemies.

Almost makes up for the Strangelove hands.

And Rider is perpetually in the midst of a cocaine rush, as her thirst for thrill and fun never sleeps. Yet she appears to have great affection for her pet Motobug, Jimmy.

Finally, King is a no-nonsense frowny face with a Sean Connery accent who is sick of his fellow Heavies' shit, who can nonetheless back himself up as the group's undisputed leader.

They may be fairly straightforward, but through the subtleties of their animations, there's a lot of life put into these guys, and their characters don't start and finish with their default trait like so many before them. You don't need to be Shakespeare in a Sonic game. You just need to be memorable and entertaining while fulfilling your role. And the Heavies do that with considerable ease.

The Execution: This might come as a surprise to you, but I love the shit out of the Heavies.

How can you hate this???

You have to understand that an overwhelming number of villains in this franchise not named Eggman have not only ranged from mediocre to terrible, they've also had a tendency of feeling the same as each other. When it's not a giant monster with little backstory of genuine interest, it's a guy dressed in all black who does evil for evil's sake. And that's without adding the recolours and their penchant for gaining disproportionate fandoms simply for being recolours.

Why is it, then, that a group who are all based on the same robot succeed where those villains fail?

Well, I'd argue there's a few elements at work there. The obvious one is that they're simply better implemented, and they leave an impression through their boss encounters and animations rather than whether or not they played tonsil hockey with Shadow or Amy in a fanfic. Another factor is that unlike other villains, they were never hyped up to be the Raddest, Baddest, Greatest Enemy of All Time for Sonic, and thus they didn't run the risk of not being able to live up to that claim. They were allowed to simply exist and do their own thing, as one addition to help compliment an overall package.

You could also argue that their status as a group works in their favor too, as it helps to make each of their traits pop out that little bit more. And they're honestly really clever with their strategies, like how Magician transforms into forgotten characters to spice things up, or how Shinobi's shurikens aren't actually shurikens, but rather Asterons, one of the most notorious enemies in the series. And need I mention Rider using a goddamn Motobug like it's a steed? These characters could have been very throwaway, but there's a surprising level of thought put into how each of them work, and giving them a characteristic spin that works to Sonic's tastes, and considering this is the same franchise that gave us a bad guy named Black Doom, I'd say it's worth noting.

"...Please explain why Boobie Bots Weekly is in my search history."

So yes, in this world where Dooms and Mephiles's's's's's's have been running rampant, the Hard-Boiled Heavies share their creator's honor of making a name for themselves. And as much as I have a fondness for the Deadly Six in spite of their issues (Zazz and Zor are still hilarious, fight me), I will agree without argument that the Heavies are a much better execution of the quirky boss group format on the overall side of things. And I swear to GodJesus and the Bear, if they never make a single appearance past their debut, I will be a very sad panda. If they can give Silver and his tiresome schtick countless second chances (and failing to make it interesting every single time), they can sure as hell give these juggernauts another go.

But until then, at least we still have Mania. Now if you'll excuse me, Shinobi's about to teleport behind me. Hope it's nothing personal.

Crusher Gives the Hard-Boiled Heavies a: Thumbs Up!